Hermione’s dream was very intriguing and I liked how you showed Hermione’s mums reaction to the news about what’s happening in the wizarding world, I’ve hardly ever seen this in fan-fiction so it was a refreshing surprise.
The only thing is, I think the ring idea has been used before but as everyone has a different take on everything, I’m sure your story will be much different and I look forward to see what you have planned for the rest of the story.
Good job, the description was great.
:)Author's Response: Really? It's been used before? Well, if it has I've never seen it.
I'm really glad you liked it. I hope you keep reading! *Eli* Report Review
‘“And go sit next to Harry. He thinks you’re kind of cute.” My eyes widened and I giggled. Harry blushed. I had a feeling this was going to be a great year’ - please, please, please do not make Harry and Haley fall in love. I have read so many stories where Harry and an OC meet on the train, start talking and fall in love that it might just drive me insane to read another one. However, if you do decide to do this, please make it different from the countless other stories that have a similar plot.
Also, call me stupid, but I’ve just realised your penname is the same name as your OC’s name. I hope you’re not writing Haley to be either you or what you think is ‘cool’ as fics like that never work.
Again, this chapter was pretty good although a bit rushed.
What I like about this fic is the fact that it flows so easily, making sure it is never boring.
Author's Response: wow you obviously havent seen the "Harry/OC" tag under pairings huh? but trust me ill take it slow. and as for my name, i had already had this story written like 2 years ago and i signed up in february. i never dreamed of having the story up on the site. anyways thx! Report Review
“On the drive home, we quickly became friends.” - this sentence really bugged me. From your description of Haley, she doesn’t seem like the type of person to make new friends easily. To make this more realistic I suggest re writing this sentence so it sounds something like, “On the drive home, I realised how much I hoped we could become friends.”
“This wand is willow, 10 and ½ inches, and it has an unknown core.” - surely he’d know what was in the wand as he made it!
Anyway, apart from a few spelling errors and what I’ve mentioned above, this was a pretty good chapter. It was a little bit rushed but overall I thought it progressed your story along nicely.
Author's Response: i shall change that! thx.the explanation for the wand is in the chapter; Mr. Ollivander gives it himself. Report Review
It was well written and portrayed Hermione’s emotion very well.
The dialogue was nice, I always like to read a fic where Neville isn’t written to be either stupid or miserable and I think your fic captured that perfectly.
I liked the ‘5 Rubber Balls’ idea, where did that come from?
Overall, I really liked this, there was only a few minor spelling errors however one was the spelling of your title which put me off slightly.
:)Author's Response: Thanks :) I don't believe Neville is stupid, he's just erm...unlucky :) I think he'll grow up to be a really nice guy.
Ahh! Your actually the first person to tell me that! My spell check never noticed nor my beta or another person who read it before I posted it! I have to change it! Ahh, My banner...
Thanks for reviewing and pointing that out! Report Review
Although I’ve read quite a few stories like this- I’m going to give yours a chance.
It’s nicely written and the character of Amanda seems interesting.
This chapter is also a nice length and I think it flows well.
I suppose the only thing I don’t really like is the similarity of Haley’s life with Harry’s but that’s only my opinion and apart from that tiny thing I think this is a great start and I cans ee lots of potential for it.
:)Author's Response: great im glad u like it! the story is actually all written I just have to edit it on Word andget it on here. thx so much! Report Review
This was really good- it was well written and I thought it was definitely original and well thought out.
I was shocked when Remus attacked Tonks - how could he do that? But it added to the effect of the story that Remus can’t control what happens to him when he changes into a werewolf.
I also thought what happened with the others characters was fairly realistic and I really liked the flashbacks.
Good story and what a lovely poem to have inspired you.
:)Author's Response: Actually, it wasn't that well thought out, lmao. I thought of it, fished out the poem, and wrote it within three hours.
It KILLED me to have Remus attack Tonks, but it's true. If someone was there, he'd attack them, whether to kill or to bite.
The poem IS beautiful, I love it♥. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Although I’m not really anything but a canon shipper, I still found this interesting and thought it was quite well written.
I liked the dialogue with Ginny and Hermione, it was realistic and didn’t make the story rushed.
The only thing I can think of to suggest is perhaps some more description although I know how annoying that is to write when you just want to get the story moving.
At first I thought this might be a Harry/Hermione fiction but know I’m not too sure…ah well.
A great start - I don’t know why you don’t have more reviews.
:) Report Review
That was really good - I really liked it.
It was sweet but not in an overpowering sort of way.
I liked how Emma is a slytherin and yet doesn’t really fit their stereotype. Also, the fact that both Emma and Remus both envy each others lives is refreshing and it shows they have great potential.
Good job, this was well written.
:)Author's Response: thanks! emma's slytherinness will *hopefully* come out in due time..yet not in the stereotypical way. :)
First things first; that was very short! I think if you expanded this into a multi-chaptered fiction the story would progress easier and you’d get more reviews (lol).
Apart from some grammar mistakes, this was a nice little story. As I’m mainly a Ron/Hermione shipper I find reading Hermione/Any-other-character-that-isn’t-Ron weird but I thought this was sweet and to the point.
Good job on your first fiction!
:)Author's Response: Hmm... maybe i will expand it. I no it was very short and there were mistakes but it will be betad eventually. Anyway thanks for the review. Report Review
Great chapter, my favourite so far.
I loved Draco’s interaction with Erin, it was really sweet and realistic and from what I tell so far she seems like a great character for Draco.
So, now we know what the prophecy is and I really like the idea. I know that similar plots have been used before regarding using a prophecy to tell who will fall in love with whom but I can’t wait to read your spin on it.
(I also really like the fact this chapter is called 'Her Life' and the last one was called 'His Life'.)Author's Response: THANX SO MUCHH AGAIN!
I'm glad you liked their interactions.. it always takes me while with dialogue, especially important conversations because I want to get it as close to perfect as I am able.
Yes, the prophecy. I'm glad you like it, however I think later on you'll be pleasently surprised at the total revealing of the prophecy. As you've said, many people have used prophecies like this, but I believe this one's a little different.
I'm glad you caught the thing about the chapter titles too!!! hahaha
well thank you very much again! =]
That was really good! It was well written and I thought you portrayed the characters of Lily and James really well. I haven’t read a fic like this before so it was a nice refreshing change from all the usual Lily/James fics (which I admit, I’ve written one). Great description and just great story overall although I did find it a little bit too long.
9/10.Author's Response: Thank you very much- it means a lot to me that you think I go the characters correct ^_^ Report Review
Another good chapter, the only thing I had a problem with is I think you might need to format the story differently as it’s quite hard to read as it is but that’s no reflection on your writing.
I really liked Draco’s thoughts on his father, it shows he can see past the Malfoy’s projected image of power. I also liked the fact that although Draco obviously doesn’t agree with his father he hasn’t changed his personality completely to become a nice person. This line made me laugh: “a well-fit body”.
Also, just so I know, would you like me to review every chapter or just the chapters i think need reviewing?Author's Response: Yes, I've been having a lot of trouble with that. I didn't want to enter twice after every line someone said, but I also cannot tab over any either so I'm running out of options for spacing. ((If you know how to tab over, I might hafta love you forever haha))
Thank so much! I'm so glad you liked Draco that way. I wanted to keep him in character, but at the same time give him a little maturity and perspective on his father. It doesn't make him a better person. Infact, it may make him worse, because he wants all the power, etc. for himself and doesn't fell bad about manipulatinghis father (If he can)
It'd be fine if you just reviewd the ones you think need to be, I just request that you review chapter 12, because I'm really attached to it, and it's different.
Anyways, THANK YOU SO MUCH. It meant a lot to me, and I'm gonna try to fix the spacing, etc. ! Report Review
I really like the description, it wasn't too much as sometimes happens in stories. This was a nice chapter length and I again liked Voldemort's characterization.
My only criticism would be I found it quite hard to concentrate on this chapter for some reason but that may not have anything to do with your writing, probably just the fact my attention span is not great!
Good chapter, 8/10! Report Review
I really liked your characterization of Voldemort, it was realistic and although he's a hard character to write i thought you captured him really well.
Your description was vivid and the fight scene great to read.
This was (again!) a good chapter and I really hope you get some more reviews as you deserve them. Report Review
Another good chapter!
I liked Lazarus' characterization, in this chapter you really get a sense of who he is.
Harry's characterization was also good, and we get to see his hero-complex in full swing. Again this chapter was quite well written and it shows your plot developing nicely.
Also, how old is Harry in this chapter? I can't quite work that one out. Report Review
That was a really good chapter- I really did enjoy it, it has a nice feel to it.
The story flowed nicely, was well written and was never boring.
The only thing I didn’t like, and this is no reflection on your writing, just a pet peeve of mine, at the end of the story you wrote ‘To Be Continued ...............’ which for some reason really annoyed me. I don’t know why and please don’t take this badly, to me, it just makes the story less professional if you now what I mean.
Anyway, apart from that, this is a great start and I really don’t know why you don’t have more reviews. :)
8/10 Report Review
The chapter seems a little rushed but apart from that this was a good first chapter.
The plot sounds very interesting and I really loved the repeated rhyming message.
This chapter was just the right length and I’m definitely intrigued.
:)Author's Response: I'm so glad you're interested!
Yeahh, with a couple of the first chapters, some things may seem rushed. I was so anxious to get to the meat of the story you know? They get better though, don't worry.
Haha, I thought a rhyming message would be kind of cute.
Thanx sooo much for this awesome review =] Report Review
Wow, what an interesting idea.
I'd never thought of history in that way.
A great little piece of writing!Author's Response: Thank you very much. ;) Report Review
Okay, here goes:
I am not usually a Hermione/Harry shipper, in fact, in all honesty I really do not like the ship but I will try and make sure that doesn't get in the way of my reviews.
I really like your description, it is just the right amount and doesn’t overpower the story which can make a story hard to read.
It was a little short and could probably use a little bit more dialogue but I appreciate this is the first chapter and so it more of an introduction than anything else.
A great start, I couldn’t spot any grammar errors (which I usually have lots of!), your story sounds very interesting. Author's Response: thanks for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
A really good start.
This is my first time reading a marauder fic like this.
I really love the idea for the story and it looks very promising.Author's Response: And that is my first attempt at such a fic.... glad it caught your attention. Report Review
lol, this is one pretty funny story.
I did like it, i thought James' narration was a really good idea.Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it! Report Review
As you said you’ve realised that Jamie is very Mary Sue-ish, I won’t comment on that as I’m sure someone else has. I’ll just comment on you’re actual writing.
I thought it was very quick into the story that everything froze. I think a little description of the surroundings and some dialogue would have added a bit more realism to the story and the reader could have got to know Jamie a bit better.
“(i.e. upside down egg)”: You really don’t need to put this, your description should be enough and it stops the story from running smoothly.
However, I thought the your spelling was great, the dialogue was realistic for Jamie’s character and the chapter length was just right.
If you work on Jamie’s character and add a bit more description I’m sure this story will be very promising.Author's Response: Thank you!
~ronfanatic13~ Report Review
Again, I did love this chapter, but I do have a couple of criticisms.
To me, Ron seems to be portrayed as a bit stupid, I don’t know if that is intentional or it’s only me who thinks this but somehow I think his character is being downplayed. The only reason I can think for this is because Ron isn’t as big a character in this story as he is the books - which is fine.
I’ve got to say I’m glad to see Kat’s stutter is starting to clear up, to me it made her character seem somehow too awkward, like she was a character in a fairytale that needed saving.
However, as I said earlier I did love this chapter.
I loved the emotional aspect you brought to it; I don’t think most stories have enough of it.
Also, I like how Kat is slowly starting to trust the others (especially Harry), it shows that Kat is a complex character as most OC’s trust others instantly which doesn’t really reflect actual life.Author's Response: Wow! Again, spot on! I felt as though, since Ron was particularly effected by the Dementors, that he was being rather cast aside. Not talking and such. I suppose it was just easier for me to write it this way, but there was a reason he was like that. I just need to figure it all out, is all. . . . Yes! Her stutter.. . I just REALLY got tired of writing it in. And when he gets used to people it lessens. It's not a major character trait or anything. . . just something there. That contrubited to who she is. Okay, maybe a pretty important character trait she has. I'm going to pitch in with a comment that may not make sense, because I know where this story is going to go, but let's just say her stutter is very much like the sky of Godric's Hollow. OOOooooOOOoh. Clue. YAY! Now you must wait for chapter 5! YAY! Now I must write it. . . *thinks*. . . hehe thanks so much for reviewing EVERY chapter! I hope you hang in there! Thanks so much and what an insightful, omnicient reviewer! T H A N K S! :) Report Review
Great chapter, again it was well written and flowed nicely.
I’m not sure Harry would try to kill himself though, I thought he was stronger than that. I also don’t know if he’d take Kat with him, but, then again I suppose he needs to, to develop the story further.
Author's Response: yes. My insecurities again, right there. However, I've noticed them, and am working on a backstory and future that eliminates those problems. I really want this story to turn out. Thanks OOBERLY for all the reviews! You seem to really be spot on! Report Review
Another great chapter.
If I’m honest I didn’t think I’d like it because I’m not usually an Harry/OC shipper. Usually, most H/OC stories always end up with Harry falling in love with some beautiful, out of reach girl who doesn’t realise how famous he is.
This story is really starting to change my mind though, it’s well written and only has spelling mistakes if you’re not American.
Again, the only criticism I can find is that for me the chapters are a little bit too long and my attention span tends to wane towards the end of each chapter. That’s not because your story isn’t good, I’m just not very good at concentrating!
8/10.Author's Response: Thanks again! I can completely relate there! I am just not much of a reader of Fanfic because of that. It's sad that I'm incredibly guily of it as well! Ahhhhhh. If I could read my own stuff from another perspective. . . I really don't know how I'd feel about it!
8/10! That's awesome! Like a "B" or something! hehe!
Thanks again for all the reviews! I really appreciated them! And oh how lovely they are! Report Review
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