So, mini novel number three ;) . I swear these are shorter than usual :p . Well, where to start really? I am so loving the fic, I think it's actually my favourite of all the fics I've ever read, and I'm only on the third chapter. Really, you're doing pretty good to have managed to trash all previous standards by chapter three ;) . But not to give you a too swollen head, you have quite a few typos and minor grammar issues that could be fixed, just because I like to point out something :p . Besides, you're writing abut a guy who loves perfection (except when it comes to offering Hermione the place as his future wife), the fic should be too :p .You captrue Draco's personality so well, I can easily imagine him being like this, and I truly don't think you could write it in such a way as to make it funnier. I mean That and most of his robes were prone to staining at the slightest drop of water. The havoc a sobbing Mudblood could wreak on his wardrobe was barely worth considering and Such language,’ he commented, clutching at where he was fairly sure his heart was supposed to be are just completely Draco.I absolutely adored the last half of this chapter when he actually approaches the trio *dies laughing* (there you go, Draco should practice his wit and charm on Harry and kill him that way, through laughter. If all else fails, perhaps it will make Harry see him in a different light and Draco would get his wish of preferring harry over Hermione despite the gender issue ;) ). Where was I? Oh yes, wit and charm. I thought you couldn't possibly go better than his views on women when we had He wasn’t cut out for romance. In his opinion any woman should be bloody grateful he even breathed in her presence, and speechless if he so much as talked to her and His atrocity of a future wife was talking again. She hadn’t even asked his permission but then when he actually spoke to her?! Come, ingrate. Let me whisk you away from such vulgarity where we can live happily, it almost made me pity him. Almost. I cannot imagine how you're possibly going to get htis pairing together, but if the first three chapter are anythign to go by, you'll manage it with style and I look forward to reading. Another wonderful chapter :) .Author's Response: I struggle to get a third of this length when I review, so I am impressed. And, naturally, very happy. There is nothing like a nice long review to make your morning. Favourite all ready? I am honoured, especially since knowing how much you read. *takes a moment to deflate oversized ego* Typos and grammar? Okay, well I admit to being a bit of a clutz when it comes to typos, and somewhat oblivious when it comes to spotting them after. I'd read over it again to look for them, but if I haven't spotted them up to now I probably won't be finding them any time soon. Perhaps it's time to invest in a beta reader? Someone who can keep their head on this planet for long enough to notice that I occasional write in complete gibberish, and have a tendancy to make up words when I can't find one that fits (adding an 'ly' to the end of a word to make it more, you know, whatsity, is my favourite method of this). It’s not so much of a problem in my more serious fics, but for some reason my inner language creator seems to have taken this piece as its time to shine.I am so glad you like my Draco too, although writing him like this can be a bit wearing. I certainly feel more empowered after spending a morning or afternoon in his head though. I have to say, his views on women did really take me by surprise. He started as arrogant, and then just kind of grew into a complete and utter sexist pig who has no idea that he is so, and could never understand why anyone would consider him this way. I did, briefly, worry that someone somewhere would find it insulting. But then I consoled myself with the fact that if, by the end of this, there is anyone left who I haven’t insulted, then they can feel free to complain.As to how I am going to get them together, that is a trade secret. Or I could have absolutely no idea, and hope Draco comes up with something, since he seems to be leading the show somewhat. I have a couple of potential ideas though, but the ending I wind up writing depends largely on whether any of the chapters leading up to it get too hijacked. I hope you enjoy the rest of the fic as much, although I do now feel a strange anxiety that it can only go down in your estimation from this point on. Thank you for the lovely review, I really enjoyed reading it. Report Review
It's even better than the last chapter!! I was already having a good morning, and then I decided to come along and read another chapter of yours and you just made it even better :D . You did make me giggle, and wow, I even, like Pansy after this, and you didn't even change her personality to make me. She was still very Pansy, especially with As I can no longer be assured of the benefits of your name, I fail to see any reason why I should continue to flatter it good for her! *snigger*The way you played them off each other was so well done, and I just had to love all the suggestions Pansy made and the way you, through Draco, effectively ripped to shreds a few cliches, though my personal favourite was the leather trousers and it's a shame he didn't agree to that one :D . The whole argument was just hilarious.I think I particularly liked the beginning and how Draco couldn't find a Slytherin who had taken Muggle Studies, and then a particularly good moment in the conersation I do have,’ Draco enunciated slowly and emphatically, ‘to marry a Mudblood.’
‘You might want to consider expanding on your vocabulary then,’ Pansy suggested irritably and then it just got better. Ah, I'm going to go add this to my favourites, be back to read more soon, great chapter once again :) .Author's Response: It's odd, but Pansy is my favourite to write in this. She has a special place, and has grown quite a bit throughout the chapters. And I do enjoy ripping cliches, and bashing them mercilessly against rocks. It's also so nice to see you quoting some of my favourite lines back at me too. Thank you so much for coming back, and reviewing again, and adding it to your favourites. I am honoured =) Report Review
hahahaha! Oh god, I think I may love this story and I've only read one chapter! I actually had intended for the next fic I read of yours to be An Issue of Trust, but I've heard good things about Inbred and decided to give it a shot (would never have thought anything could make me willingly read Dramione again, but there you are ;) ). Oh it's so original, and funny, and well characterised. It's just a refrshing change from what I normally read here.Well these reviews aren't going to be as long as the ones I write for one-shots, but I do like to do my fair share of gushing here. Right from the beginning you had me hooked, poor carpet ;) . And then the interaction between Draco and his father was brilliantly done, I could easily imagine Draco saying such things, and you made me laugh. Especially the part where he'd rather have Potter, and Lucius's some obnoxious woman somewhere would have discovered and exploited it to it’s full, and probably painful potential. *laughs some more*.I htink I most liked when Draco realised who his father had in mind, You would subject our future generations to that hair…to those teeth, and god I can't believe your logic works out so well for this, never would've thought it, and yet it really does follow along well. Now my absolute favourite bit just had to be Merlin’s bunny slippers *snorts*. The first time I read it I just kept reading, then there was this moment it registered that what I had read wasn't what I'd call normal and I had to go back and read it again just to be sure. It's my new favourite phrase I think :D . I will be sure to come back and read some more soon (should be writing at the moment, sort of avoiding it), this is a wonderful chapter and I look forward to reading the rest of the story :) .Author's Response: *shudders* I never thought anything could make me write Dramoine, as I avoid the ship like the plague. It's only amusing to validate. And not as long? So I should only expect mini-novels? You say so much and leave such lovely reviews I really don't think I can complain =)This chapter was very lucky, as it just kinf of flowed at. The conversation was written in one sitting without pause, and it worked, somehow, although I'm still not sure how. I am so happy you pointed out the bunny slippers bit. I was sitting at my desk wearing my doggy slippers, and whilst dogs didn't seem to fit bunnys worked quite nicely. I am so glad to know you enjoyed it though, even if you did avoid writing to read it. Thank you veyr much for leaving such a wonderfully detailed review =) Report Review
Heck, you keep writing like this and I'll keep up the reviews ;) . oh, and I am also a few years younger than Anthony and co., and yes, I appreciate your kind of humour (but this isn't the place to go sharing too much personal info :) ).So, Your character development just keeps getting better and better. Padma is shown especially well here. I really have to wonder if Anthony's going to stay with her or not. I find her quite irritating, and I particularly loved Looking like a stupid idiot does not earn brownie points if your girlfriend happens to be an intellectual snob. *snorts* now that one made me laugh :D .I also like how you build the dynamics between all the characters, they interact incredibly naturally and it all flows really well. I loved the idea and reaction to Terry wanting to put an ad in the Daily Prophet and eagerly await finding out exactly what he's going to do. The beginning with the argument over whether Zacharias would stay with them was also wonderfully written, and the whole 'intimate' comments was hilarious. I am most curious as to where you're aking all this and how it will all play out. Another great chapter, update soon :) . Report Review
Amazingly I managed to grab your chapter before anyone else and am once again here to gush about your writing ;) . Oh and thank you for the lovely note in your chapter summary! :)Your characters are just so wonderful, you write this age of them so well and everyone is still really canon. Although Anthony is by far my favourite (how could he not be?!), I think I liked how you wrote Ginny and Terry best this chapter, their argument was great, and I loved how Anthony steppe din to avert disaster there. The conversation of such a large group flowed really well and was easy to follow, which a lot of authors don't often manage to achieve, I particularly liked the part about Dean and the excitement over the prospect of a partner with A Real Job and Maybe Even A Future and to go out on a real limb, Possibly Some Money. It's all just so realistic, and well written!Again you made me laugh at many points in this, the humour in this is great and subtley jumps out at you at various times. I loved the end when they were dreading what Zacharias would ask them (and the way he asked was very very Zacharias). I can't wait to see how that one goes, and where you're going with the plot. You've set everything up really well, and I completely enjoyed reading this, another great chapter :) .Author's Response: If you're enjoying this, you must also have one of those dark/sarcastic senses of humor! I'm glad that you feel I'm keeping them in character despite the fact that they're now adults -- I'm a few years younger than Anthony & co. myself, so this thinking like a twenty-year-old guy thing is a bit of a tricky business. ;-) Again, thanks for your comments... I'm getting spoiled by long reviews! Report Review
I just had to come over and tell you that you made my day with this story. I was lucky enough to hit on your story while validating and it was so good, I stopped what I was doing and came to put you straight on my faves :) . You just made me laugh multiple times (and really, that's no mean feat, humour is generally terribly written).I loved the set out of this story, it's really original. And what I like most is that the main character is an OC, and one that you've given a very distinct character to. I already adore his character and the way you've written him (he kind of reminds me of Bartimaeus from Jonathon Stroud's trilogy). In fact you contructed all of the charaters in the story brilliantly, everyone was spot on, and I particularly loved how you wrote Dawlish and Zacharias, I could well imagine both exactly as you have them. The clinginess of Zach was just perfect.I just adored the beginning with how you had Anthony fighting Harry and it didn't become clear until a little further in what exactly was going on. That was very effective, and also very funny :D . I can't wait to read more, and I'll be looking out for the next chapter from you, great story :)Author's Response: Though I've only read the first book in the triology, I'm a huge fan of Bartimaeus, too. Can't beat a sarcastic protagonist! I'm glad that you're enjoying the story; it's a lot of fun to write because there's so little involving Anthony in the canon that he's basically just turning into a male version of myself. Some of the more familiar characters will come up in the second chapter. Thanks for the feedback! Report Review
Ooo wow! This was just such a great twist to the night Sirius played that prank. Never read any R/S using this, so it’s very original :) .I couldn’t find any mistakes in here (and I do look when I’m reviewing :p ) so either the queue has dulled my ability to catch these things or there weren’t any ;) . Personally, I’d say go with the second, it was really well-written :) .Now basically I just loved all of this, you wrote it all brilliantly, but I think I particularly loved how you wrote Sirius; you captured his character to well. I had to grin at A virtual messiah, that’s what I was, I could just imagine him taking that view. I also loved how you contrasted things like that careless air and indifferent tone of voice was the last thing Remus wanted to hear that so easily scream ‘Sirius’ with the subtler side, the insecure one You need me,” Sirius stammered. I just thought you played that all out really well.I liked the side of Remus you brought out here that is not often shown He had never been this forceful or this full of anger in his entire life, and it was that force that allowed him to break out of every inhibition he had ever possessed. I think it really fit with the event and betrayal of one of his friends in such a way. I also loved how you built the relationship between Sirius and Remus in that short first scene in the bathroom, stemming from a time when Remus was drunk. I thought it was handled really well and though I didn’t want Remus to say We’re being friends it seemed to fit here.I loved Sirius’s attitude to the actual prank Snivellus wasn’t going to die, even I can admit that he’s too clever for that, and if he became a werewolf then Remus would have another buddy to play with, that just made me laugh. I like how you made it clear how much it was really affecting Sirius, but how you had him keeping up this façade of indifference, that was written really well.I have to love the end too, how it came back full circle, and your use of ‘in the dark’ throughout the fic. The line So many words for repulsion exist… was well constructed and I like how you used it both as an introduction and a conclusion. You rounded it off nicely, and I just thought you wrote the ship amazingly. Really enjoyed reading this fic :) .Author's Response: Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to this, but I thought it would be unfair to reply to yours first and leave all those other unanswered ones. I'm such a slacker.
Anyway! I'm glad you think it worked for you, as I always question the story :) I've always thought Sirius was the real joker/immature one who just could cross boundaries too easily and end up either embarrassed or shamed. I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Ah Lyn I love your stories, you certainly have a talent for writing and this story is no exception.There are a few mistakes this time, but not many :) . One could think that if a heart is burdened so, it will perish under their unbearable weigh would. they come to take once again everything I have tried to collect with the last remaining strength left in my body word order, move ‘once again’ to the end of the sentence. toward their most favourite convict either their favourite, or their most favoured. The man responsible for a tragedy so great that I could not even grasp at first grasp it at first. And then it strikes my tired mind like lightening lightning.Now I love this glimpse at Sirius’s mind inside Azkaban, and everything he went through. You describe him and the place so well, making it real to the reader. I really liked this bit near the beginning It is not a place for the weak, rather for the lost. I am such. I have lost everything there is to lose, and I lost it to my own drug – my recklessness a fantastic introduction to Azkaban and immediately you have something immensely Sirius here already. I also thought you wrote the Dementors perfectly, especially in this line They drain my last drip of energy, my last remaining memory… I have lost my friend all over again that was so heart-wrenching.I love how you wrote Sirius’s thoughts about himself and how he had been A life so different, life with an awaiting future and present full of paths to take and choices to make, and I especially like how you make him afraid. It is not something associated with him and just shows how much of an effect Azkaban really has had on him Fear of my own memories, ghosts of the past that will haunt me for as long as I breathe. Fear in the face of the darkest creatures of all.Then I loved the way you wrote about each of the people he remembers for a few seconds before the memories are ripped from him. James was especially good I am grateful for all the adventures and every moment we shared. I am grateful for his loyalty, trust and honesty. I am grateful for his being my best friend, but I think my favourite was Remus He was more than a friend, and more than a brother. He was the person who kept the group together. He owed us so much, and yet we owed him even more that was a lovely look at the bonds between them all as friends and the dynamics of the group. I also think it likely that Sirius should dwell on Remus and how he was wrong about him being the traitor.Sirius’s thoughts about Peter were also amazing, I liked how you included how Sirius blames himself too The fault was not solely his. I am the one. I am the fool who sentenced so many people to their demise. I am the one to blame for the triumph of evil. I also just adored how you wrote a word and then elaborated on it Betrayal. The biggest sin of all. The most unforgivable crime and Hate. Deeper than any well and greater than any ocean being my favourites, just wonderfully captured there.Loved the end, and how you made Harry the one thing keeping Sirius going and determined to stay sane How could I forget? The one being that can keep me sane. The one creature that deserves to live in a safer world. I love how Sirius wants to give him that safer world and make sure he knows the truth, thinking he owes that to him. It’s just a wonderfully written story as always, loved reading it :) .Author's Response: Me? Tallented? Oh, you are so nice, I have never considered myself as such, especially when my native language is not English! I still have to look some words up in the dictionary :P
Anyway, I really appreciate the time you spend on leaving such long reviews! I know it takes at least 30 minutes! Thank you! You are such a sweetheart!
As this is positively my favourite work so far, I am so grateful and relieved to hear positive response! It was easy to write, but hard to edit. I had to add some details on the background, meaning the cell, sounds, touch, and so on.
All those memories were actually the things I imagined him to think over and over again in Azkaban. All this time, from PoA till now, I have had this idea of him, of his emotions, of his thoughts, memories, and now I practically read everything with him as a main character, and consider writing some 'Sirius moments' not mentioned in the book.
Enough with my rambling, everyone loves when I include Harry in my fics. Maybe I should do it more often, even though I only write in Marauder era!
Oh, I always thought that Sirius blames himself! After all, he should :P No, just kidding! He is what he is, or should I say was?! There is one thing I never forgave Jo and it was his death, and by his cousin! Honestly, he could have helped!!!
Thanks again for reading and reviewing. I am glad you really enjoyed it! Now I want to write more, just because of those great reviews of yours :) Report Review
Ooo! This is an amazing R/T! I thought you really captured something of the essence of the dynamics and feelings between them.You have no mistakes that I could see except for maybe 2 or 3 commas I thought were unnecessary, but hardly anything worth mentioning :D . There’s a couple of spelling that can be changed to British and that’s it :) . Even without looking, I know that it is the armor armour. Does he realize his obviousness realise.I really loved how you started this, I thought you built the feelings and tension in the room between them so well. From Even now, I am in the same room with him and there is only silence to There are no words to utter because we have done this a thousand times before and nothing good has ever come of it you really painted a vivd picture and got across the feeling of this never-ending cycle they both go through, unable to break free and punishing themselves by not trying.I thought you wrote the characters amazingly well. And I particularly loved the style you wrote this in, how you switched between perspectives and ran their thoughts and questions together. I thought It is irritating that I can never figure out what is going on in his mind was an especially Tonks thing to think because I imagine she would want to know, would try to see and that Remus wouldn’t let her. It just really rang true of their characters. And then when you say Even though I came to eat, I cannot concentrate on this simple act. I am frantically looking for a reason to keep my hands busy I had to smile there too. Again very Tonks and easily imaginable.The section on Remus that I loved the most was the first one, where he thinks I find myself sneaking glances at her perfection, he is just trying so hard to resist that which seems inevitable, and you want him to stop trying so much, but at the same time it would not be true to him if he did give in. I particularly liked Whether to remain distant as always and continue my quiet admiration from afar, or to declare my feelings and burn in hell afterwards as I thought it really summed up his dilemma well and got across exactly which of the choices he would very much like to take.I thought the kiss and the moment Remus gave in and weakened for that short time was brilliantly written, you switched between the two seamlessly and described everything ever so well. The desire was almost tangible and you just had everything down so well. I think my favourite aspect of this fic was it’s reality, you had so many things readers could relate to, Tonks is a great character for that. I loved if only’s If only I could tell him what he means to me and the what ifs were especially well written If I keep silent, I will forever be haunted by the most dreaded question… What if… my heart stops beating when she leaves? What if it is too late tomorrow? What if I hurt her? What if. And then came my favourite line in the whole fic Maybe it was better when I did not know what it felt like to be loved because again it’s so real. I think she would think that and wish for it, and the frustration would build again before breaking until something happens to interrupt once again. You could just see it all happening over again and it was an excellent quality you wrote into your fic. Really, it’s a brilliant fic and I loved reading it :) .Author's Response: THANK YOU, PhoenixStorm. What would I do without you telling me all those things! I cannot even try to make the answer as long as the review :P
I am so excited you liked all those stuff. It was funny when I wrote this fic, because for the first time, I could acrually see the scene before me, and enter their thoughts! It was a very vivid picture in my head, so I just had to sit down and write it. I guess betas are really great ideas, too, because those two one-shots you just read are both proofread!
You know me and commas... But my beta helped a lot with the transition. as for the switching point of view, I just try to add something new every time I write. So, it would look original and interesting that way.
I was so happy when I read all those quotes you included in your review! I do that when I really liked the fic, so this is always a good sign!
I was worried about the love scene, because it simply does not work with me. It turns out awkward, but you really gave me hope. Maybe I will try that again some time. I never thought that I will write so much romance at once! I am talking about the fics that are yet to come. So, thanks again and have the greatest day :) Report Review
Ooo that was such a good story, you wrote it so well to the challenge; I just loved it :) .You had a few mistakes in here, though not many. What was most noticeable was some unnecessary commas, some very odd placement at times in fact, so maybe have a re-read for those :) . If anything, they seemed out of place you just said in the sentence just before this one that they are out of place so to then seem they seem out of place doesn’t make sense. his breathe carrying through the air breath. as the air once again became still word order, as the air became still once again. That only the bell had bore witness to had borne. he wondered, but he never would know would never know. its poignancy, forever to stay with the beholders its poignancy to stay with the beholders forever. The movements of the once agitated survivors was now slow and sluggish were now.Your description is just incredible, there wasn’t a thing critical to say about any other aspect of this fic. Right from the beginning you started out with an amazing description of the bells The bells stood against time and against fate, having sat atop the spire for nearly five centuries, unwilling and unable to bow down to the wiles of nature, and you kept it up throughout the whole fic; you really painted the picture well.I loved the contrasting things you said, like but all too soon and all too late and about his secretive and telling bell I thought they really added something to the fic and your descriptions, it just seemed to fit with everything you were saying.I also just adored the sad tone you had in this with the images the bells called up. I am guessing that was Lily and James’s cottage that flickered in memory, and that it was Harry leading the group (though I might be wrong on that). This line the many nuances of the sound touched the hearts of all those that heard the dreaded tone was particularly powerful I thought.I think my favourite part had to be They had rest; they had peace. But the ones that remained still had to fight and carry on, with no respite. All they had gained from the victory was one more burden to carry because it’s so tragic but true and so real. I thought it was really good how you managed to write it accurately like that. This is a great story, I really enjoyed reading it :) .Author's Response: Thanks PhoenixStorm! I'm glad that the description was done well. I changed all of the suggestions; I do tend to mix up words dreadfully. And you're right, it was Lily and James's cottage and Harry leading the army that I was describing. Thanks again. :) Report Review
Hey wow, this is a really cool fic, I love how you describe things and this is a really different Draco/Hermione :) .Though there are very few, I did still notice a few mistakes, and some words that can be written the British way if you want :p . she sharply turns and drags him off into another direction I’m pretty sure that should be ‘turns sharply’. One of them rushes before them… the part beginning with this is very confusing, I wasn’t sure who was shooting spells at who or who everyone was really so look to revise just those few sentences. Escape the deatheaters it should be Death Eaters for the couple of times you’ve mentioned them Sighs of relief then escapes her If you keep ‘sighs’ it should be ‘escape’ or you can have ‘a sigh of relief then escapes her’. The noisy window shuttles clang together I think you mean shutters. widen in realization as he sees a figure find them realisation.Now your description is just amazing, there isn’t a single thing that was not written well and described perfectly. You had incredible sentences like her quiet whimpers drowned out by the roaring growls of war, you just capture the imagery so well and I was really pulled into the scene and the story.I loved how you kept writing one of them and then the other so that they were always together, like they could not be mentioned without the other. Like She could hear the prattling call death sent out, the shadowed voices that beckoned her. He could feel the fires beneath his feet, feel the rush of coldness under his skin, it made your AU world that much more realistic, and I thought you wrote them both really well.I think my absolute favourite part was They can never live in his world, nor in hers. Together, they must strive to create another world, another time. Perfection in its own. A different reality. I just loved all the ideas in that; it reminded me of a book I once read, a strange book but with a sort of twisted logic that you can’t help being pulled into. This fic had the same kind of feel, and it’s amazing you can write like that. Although this was pretty short and the ending obviously not happy, I really loved reading this, another great fic by you :) . Report Review
Well this is a great look at the final battle from Hermione's perspective, and you weaved a lot of ideas into it :) .You have a few mistakes in here and some spelling that could be changed to the British spelling if you want, I also suggest you look this over for commas, you have a lot of unnecessary ones. It was not the bright and noisy Hogwarts she used to know, and loved should be 'she used to know and love' suits of armor with her pale trembling fingers armour. she didn’t realize they were already on the battle field realise. The Order of the Phoenix (which had recruited more members after Dumbledore’s death) was bravely dueling with the Death-Eaters I’m pretty sure this should be ‘were’ as you then go on to refer to them as they, even if Order of the Phoenix sounds like it’s singular. Sectumsempra,” she yelled I don’t have my copy of HBP with me but I’m pretty sure Sectumsempra is a non-verbal spell only. due to have fallen down a few times in her pain to falling down. that had ruled and terrorized them for years terrorised.Now I thought you write this really great. The only thing I didn’t like was your portrayal of Snape, but this is your story, not mine, so I’m letting that one go ;) . I really liked the beginning, how Hermione was walking through the halls and that and you had some really lovely description in that part. And the bit in the common room was good too, especially the short speech Ron gave fight for our right to exist. Let’s show them what true Gryffindors are made of I thought that was really great :) .I really lovd your description of Hogwarts in recent times, since Dumbledore’s death and that. Everybody traveled in groups; even the laughter that rang through the tense halls sounded artificial and shrill, and was quickly stifled was a really good image to create, and I thought it was also very real and easy to imagine. The only thing that could have been made a little clearer was where it was that Harry had been called off to, because I got a little confused about where he actually was, though I liked your reasoning that the battle between him and Voldemort would be a private affair.I liked how you played out the battle, especially Draco Malfoy, who had come to the good side, finally get rid of his pest of a father because it seems right that it should happen that way. I thought you were a bit too focused on revenge around this part for the characters involved, but you probably get away with it. So, really liked reading this, great imagery and action scene :)Author's Response: I'll correct all of the mistakes that you pointed out, PhoenixStorm. I really appreciate your honesty. The fact is that I am an Indian; so I generally tend to make spelling mistakes where British and American words are concerned *sigh* We still are not sure if Snape is on the good or bad side. So, I thought I would portray him as bad (it's not that I don't like him). Thank you very much for the wonderful compliments. You just made my day! *hugs* Report Review
See, said I'd review this :D . I love this story so much, you handle an unusual ship amazingly and I think it's possibly my favourite of yours. In fact, I'll go recommend it after this, if I can find a place to put it. If not, I'll make a new thread for it :p .Ok I still think the first sentence is too long as I said :p , it's especially noticable as it's the first sentence. Also you changed a sentence from the very first time you sent me this, and I didn't notice it (*gasp*) in the second version but I noticed now. Remus stood his ground, causing Snape to stumble slightly, pulling Remus with him and Black to fall unceremoniously to the floor I don't think makes sense. what was wrong with Remus stood his ground, causing Snape to stumble slightly and Black to fall unceremoniously to the floor?Even though you already know this one, I feel the Or wet, slimy moss in his ear needs a mention because I like it so much :D . I think it was the line that got me into the story, from there I couldn't stop reading. I also think your description is really good, you paint a scene well. I think I particularly liked the kitchen description Drying herbs and copper pans hung on racks from the ceiling; the air smelled of sage and sausage and tea because it appealed to more than just the usual sense (sight). Description is my personal weakest point and you write it really well.I loved everything you wrote about Snape, you got him so well. I especially loved when he first saw Remus and he had to make himself see what he knew was there, that tight control on himself was so Snape. Even so, he couldn't help the odd thought and it just contrasted really well Even Lupin's eyes were the colour of cheap, second-rate sherry. When he smiled, they looked translucently, deceptively sweet, I also like the subtle note that he does actually notice when Remus smiles. All the little things set this fic up brilliantly.Later I also loved how careful Snape was about what he showed and said Snape leaned forward, biting sharply on his tongue. It would not do well for others to know his secrets or talents and He had already gained an advantage that he’d file away for a later date. This precision and cold calculation of people seems very him, you captured it well.I also adored Remus, I noticed the small changes you made the second time I read this and I think they were great. How Remus is still showing signs of wh ohe becomes but still has the slightly nervous deference that comes with feeling inferior was just amazingly written. I especially loved his resopnse And that’s why you’re constantly trying to follow us and look for an opportunity to drive us apart to Snape's Friendship is merely an illusion the weak need to survive. And then when Snape slipped and thought For a moment, he wanted Lupin to understand him without a word, without a breath of explanation, or not at all I just smiled and thought of the what ifs. That you could manage to get me thinking of what might have happened just shows how much you pulled me into the story. I really loved reading this, incredibly story :) .Author's Response: As always, a nice long and detailed review and my first for this piece. I thank you very much for that and I say notice that I am responding. Even if you think the first sentence is too long, I find it difficult to seperate them and it still have an effect. Any suggestion you have would be welcome, but if not, it stays. The sentence is not a run-on and it it does flow, so I cannot find my own fault in it to change it.
I did change Snape stumbling and grabbing Remus in attempt to explain the next part...Remus hand on Snape's shoulder was what caused Snape to feel sparks at Remus's touch. He feels it a few other times, but the fact that Remus's own strength, in his case his fingernails, dug so deep into Snape's chest, that it left scratches. This is a changing point for Remus's characterization in this piece. Instead of completely shy...he becomes angry and concerned enough at the same time, that he tells Sirius to besically shove off and that leads to his determination to make sure Snape is ok. Snape doesn't know he's a werewolf, but Remus isn't sure how much damage his werewolf strength caused.
I know how much you love Snape, so it means a lot that you like this piece so much. I am trying to get into his character a bit more and you are constantly pushing in that direction. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Report Review
What a lovely story :) , I thought it was really sweet and well written.You have a few mistakes in here. She sat, although not obnoxiously, with proud confidence I htink the word order here is odd and that it should maybe go 'she sat with proud confidence, although not obnoxiously,'. Lilly, I have to tell you something This is consistent throughout the fic, Lily has only 1 L (or atleast JKR's Lily does). the only sign of acknowledgement James’ received no apostrophe. thought that I achieve all my dreams effortlessly thought that I could. whatever you did to me wouldn’t go away not matter how hard I tried no matter. it was me aswel as well. watching a bleary eyes smile bleary-eyed. I also thought there were a few aspects that didn't seem that canon, I know it says in the books that James 'deflated his head' during 7th year, but this does kind of seem a complete personality u-turn. I htink you could get away with it though, but Lily seems too regretful to me. She was right all those times she rejected him, he was an arrogant prat, and I'm not sure how guilty she should really be feeling.Having said that, i did really like this and you had some really lovely moments in this. I loved the way you started this, the description of how James was feeling about Lily was really good and vivid, i could really picture it easily. The merest traces of a smile dancing around her lips sent shivers of joy down his spine. I also really liked the very first line, that was a nice opening to the fic It seemed as if she was but a dream, on the brink of reality, you have some lovely imagery in here.I liked the raw honesty you had in places, like in he couldn’t be a friend to her – it was just too painful. I've known a few who thought they could settle for 'just friends' but found it unbearable and I like how you include this idea and how real it is. It makes the characters relaly easy to relate to and really adds something to your fic.I loved how James mistook what Lily was saying, and the whole reconciliation in the rain. It was a lovely setting and you wrote it well. The parallels you drew between the two of them were great and a lovely touch to the story. I also liked the little details like how she looked him straight in the eye before answering, they just really added to the moment. Lovely fic you have here, I enjoyed reading it :) .Author's Response: wow... thank you. that was an amazing review! all that help is amazing and I don't feel deflated at all because of all the compliments! I was actually very proud of this one - it just sort of flows I think.
I will go through and correct those mistakes you mentioned because, thinking about it now, you're right!
You mentioned you think Lily feels guilty but I was trying to propose more than that although I admit it probably didn't come across quite as well as I hoped - she doesn't feel as much guilty about rejecting him as being too imature to understand that he was just being a little boy. Even though she was alittle girl, she grew up very fast in my opinion - perhaps too fast and although she knows she wasn't old enough to understand he just wanted her to think well of him and showing off was the way he thought was best to gain her good opinion, she still feels it could've been so much better if she had realised. make sense? haha probably not but that is what I was trying to say.
I like writing about Lily - she reminds me of myself. So thanks, this was the best and most useful review I've ever recieved. It truely made me smile. Report Review
OMG! I LOVE it! Seriously, one of the best Ron/Hermione's I've ever read. You made me laugh a lot in this, I think I'll go recommend it when I'm done writing this :D .You seem to have a thing about lacking in credit :p , you need to credit the song lyrics. dance with her.’ Said Harry this is a consistent problem in this fic. when someone speaks you use commas not fullstops like '"blah," said Harry'. I'm sure there was another thing to do with dialogue that I've noticed, but I've forgotten, sorry. Just check it over for the dialogue though. frolicked around in that patronizing way if we're going for british spelling that should be 'patronising' but if you're not then just ignore that one :) .Well now, where to start? Let's go for Ron because I just adored how you wrote him here. You had his personality down so very well, in fact you characterised everyone perfectly i think, but as this was from Ron's POV, he shone through the most. From It’s a battlefield! You could get killed out there! and there was no way I was going out there. It was dangerous. Men could die out there. I didn’t want to risk it to I’m not good enough for her you had him down so well. I could just picture and hear everything Ron said in this and I loved it. I also thought I’d rather be her friend and like her from…y’know, afar, then not have her in my life at all was really sweet and also incredibly real, I'm sure most people have thought something along these lines at one point or other.The humour you have in this fic is great, I loved it all. You made me laugh (really loudly I might add, it just took me by surprise in places :p ) with things like I’m not that stupid even if I look it.’ Truer words were never said and I didn’t know how to dance but if you just step around in a big circle with the girl by your side then it’s basically the same thing. heehee, I'm even grinning now :D . I also really liked this line from harry Honestly Ron, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard and you say heaps of stupid things! it made me smile and it was a really Harry thing to say to Ron.I loved the part when he's dancing with Hermione of course, it was wirtten so well. And Harry's part in that dance was also great Harry was standing near the Weird Sisters with a smug look on his face. I would kill him later. My absolute favourite line in this fic was also in here We had a moment. One of those real, “look-deeply-into-the-eyes-and-actually-see-something-other-than-an-eyeball” moments, you just have a wonderful way of phrasing things. It was touching and lovely, but funny and very Ron at the same time. Loved reading this, amazing fic :) .Author's Response: wow, that's a ... beautiful review, im kinda lost for words. yeah, im sorta over here in australia, patronizing would be different... but again wow, im really glad you liked this story so much, and its great when you can connect with the characters, its satisfying in a way. ron's such a hilarious character and i think the love/hate relationship he has with hermione is really good to expand on in stories. lol, that was purple_peppermint_25's favourite line in the story too! im really glad you liked it and thanks so much for dropping it a review! it means a lot! Report Review
It's odd, I had never read a fic continuing on from where HBP left off with Giny, but in the last couple of weeks I've read three :D . I like yours, you captured the emotion well.First and foremost, my memory of HBP is not the best, but is that first section a direct quote? The part in italics. If it is, you're violating the ToS, up to 3 lines of quoting may be used, and you have to credit where it comes from (author, book, page number). Otherwise I have a few mistakes to point out, mainly with tense and mostly in the bit just at the beginning. It should all be in past except the direct thoughts of Ginny. Her frustration that she and Harry both feel strongly for each other and now after all this time they can’t be together ...felt so strongly...couldn't be together. thinking that she can’t take care of herself, but then Harry’s whole wizarding family is dead, so he’s doing this because he cares so much about me she couldn't take care. and you can't change to her htoughts in the same sentence you refer to her as 'she'. so 'but then, Harry's whole wizarding family was dead; Ginny knew he was doing this because he cared for her so much.' and that thought was the most daunting emotion that Ginny wasn’t ready for it and thus she was in this state 'was such a daunting realisation that Ginny' emotion doesn't make sense, and the sentence didn't make sense as a whole.Otherwise I really liked this. you captured the emotions really really well and followed on seamlessly from the book. I liked the expansion on this canon event and the insight into what could have happened after. You wrote everyone's reactions really well and the story was just well written.I especially loved the characterisation of Ginny. It was very her to say I’m not going to cry! and then it was just all the more emotional and powerful when she did, you really ogt into her character well. I liked the facade she put on for everyone else and how she onyl let herself cry when Ron and hermione had left her.Rona nd Hermione were also really well written. I liked hwo they came to see Ginny and only left on her insistence. Ron especially stood out. Then the end was brilliant and very Ginny. Her decision to believe in him really showed her strength in that she dared to hope and believe. I just thought it was very her and the last line made me smile too. This is a lovely fic, really enjoyed reading :) .Author's Response: oh thanks heaps! im really glad your overall opinion was good, but yeah i see what you mean with the tenses....thanks. Report Review
well this is a very original story, a great take on the way the Potters' betrayal came about :) .You have a few mistakes in here and words that could be changed to the British way of spelling. in an even dirtier old neighborhood in London neighbourhood. before he ducked into shadow against the building I'm not sure if this makes sense or not, i htink 'into the shadows cast by the building' or something of the sort sounds better. and in walked a very sleepy-looking Severus Snape I htink this is opinion more than a mistake as such but I'll tell you anyway :p . I have a hard time picturing Snape 'sleepy-looking', he strikes me as the sort who would instantly be awake no matter what time he is woken up, he just doesn't seem the type to be not alert at any time. to the yipping of his neighbor’s terrier neighbour's. The garden had at one time been splendid the word order is awkward, i think it should be 'the garden ahd been splendid at one time'. Add to that the onset of fall autumn. will kill me, my family, if this plan does not succeed sounds like you're saying Peter is his own familiy, I think it hsould be 'and my family'. just have to put the finishing touches on the potion to the potion. I also thought the end a bit rushed. I was expecting to read up to at least the point the potion was taken and thought you could have written the completion and taking it to Voldemort.Otherwise I really liked reading this. I thought this was a wonderful take on how Peter came to be secret keeper and great expansion on the Fidelius charm needing to recognise the keeper as having only good intentions. That was really interesting and was a great touch to the story, I also loved how you made Snape be the one to make a potion to combat this detail of the charm; imagin eif Harry knew that!I liked how you wrote Voldemort in the places we saw him, I am starting to question your use to me, Pettigrew! was great and I could easily imagine the effect it would have on Peter (though I think you could lose the ! , I just can't hear Voldemort exclaiming like that, more of a softer, menacing statement than an exclamation). I also really liked Look at me when I speak to you just after Peter had been worried about coming out of his bow :D .Peter's characterisation was well done and i thought you wrote him really well. I liked the twist of having the dog hair be Sirius's and this added betrayal that Peter has committed. I did wonder how he was going to get dog hair from Sirius without him being suspicious but taking him to the Shrieking Shack was a great solution, and yet another added aspect of Peter's betrayal. I thought you wrote this all very well and I enjoyed reading it :) .Author's Response: Wow, thanks for the amazingly thorough review! I love the Brit-picking, because I do prefer to unify my stories, and I tend to overlook it in places. I'll be editing those asap. I see what you mean about the Snape thing, and it's an interesting note. I'll have to think more on that one, because I want to show he was pulled from his bed in the middle of the night but I don't think he would have taken the time to comb his hair before seeing Voldemort. Maybe I could just take out the "sleepy-looking" part and leave the rest...Another good point was the exclamation point by Voldemort, I'll be editing that as well. I had a wonderful time writing this and I'm glad you liked it. It was so difficult to get into the mind of characters I don't relate to, so I love the feedback! I appreciate your honesty.Your points about sentence structure are true, too. In my mind things make sense but sometimes I worry about the wording of particular sentences. The ending has been bothering me too- I still intend to add more to it, I just haven't had the time. If I ever do get around to adding another chapter, I'll send it your way for an opinion. Thanks again for the review! Everything you said will be taken to heart. xoxo Nephele Report Review
well sorry it took me a while, but here I am! And what an original story; I don't read or have any particular like of D/H but I thought you wrote it well :) .I have a few mistakes to point out, all very minor and some words that could be changd to the british spelling. He had never liked elevators much lifts. they had seen eachother afterwards each other. Apologize? He had never done that before Apologise. Forcing a laughter and trying not to look at Hermione's horribly rejected face Forcing a laugh, or forcing laughter. noticed all the homy details she had pinned on the walls homey. concealed by dozens of posters of Aurors and pamphelts from the Ministry pamphlets. Right time, Draco, there was never the right time, can't you realize that? realise. And there have moments where I wanted to see you again have been. I dunno, just hate you. But I couldn't - I dunno - I just couldn't I find it very hard to hear Hermione saying 'dunno' here. laying down on the blanket and realizing the depressing truth realising. Then let's not let eachother go each other. I also thought there were a few places they were a bit OOC, but mostly you had them pretty much right :) .I have to say, although there were parts I didn't find completely believable like I said, there were others you really nailed the characters and told the story really well (love the flashbacks), this 'Or are you simply buying a relic to place on Weasley's grave?' for instance is very Draco and I thought the little lines and times when he rejected Hermione were really well written. The attention to detail really made him seem real to read too like Draco leaned over the sink, grasping the edges and looked at himself in the mirror. Actions like this that everyone does at some time or other were just relaly nice aspects to the fic :) .I have to say I absolutely adored this line pushing Draco out of the way so closely that he managed to catch one of her tears that's just lovely imagery and took me quite by surprise (not that you used it, it just jumpe dout at me in the fic I mean :D ). And I also really liked the transition to the flashback in the field Draco grinned as he walked with Hermione through a field of high grass and how it related back to the beginning where you mentioned it. You wove the story really well :) .Finally this line struck me in the end scene (last time-wise, not the way you set it out) And then, suddenly, unwantingly and horribly, he knew it was too late (although, by the way, 'unwantingly' is not a word perhaps 'and then suddenly, crushingly and horribly, he knew it was too late'?). The realisation of having waited for the right moment, of having left old wounds open and never healed until it was too late would be so destroying and I really htink you captured some of that here. You get trapped in the if only's, the what if's, and it was just so sad here. I loved how you ended it And like so many other tales, this one does not have an ending open to interpretation and the imagination, very well done. I really enjoyed reading this, great fic :) .Author's Response: Alrighty then, first of all, thank you so much for this amazing and long review!
I can't believe that you took the time to nitpick it through - which I can see you have done, because you found all the annoying mistakes I've made. Thanks tons for that, though I'm not quite sure if you can't say 'realize'...? I'll look it up later.
I've never written Dramione before, and I was really quite afraid that it'd be OOC - but then, so many Dramione fics are OOC because it's very difficult to find any common traits between these two different characters. So all in all, I'm pretty pleased with that part of the story.
I thought the flashbacks were incredibly important - I love writing flashbacks, it's a trademark of mine (there's always at least one flashback in my stories), so perhaps that's why you like them: I'm finally starting to get them right!
I was really afraid that the line 'pushing Draco out of the way so closely that he managed to catch one of her tears' would sound very corny, so I'm pleased that you didn't. I had some difficulty trying to get Draco to feel guilty enough to talk to his enemy, and there's something so personal and vulnerable about Hermione shedding tears - because she's a bossy, know-it-all - that it fit here.
The very last part with Draco realising that everything is lost was also incredibly important for me to get right, because it's the one thing my friend just couldn't explain in words. I remember asking what she felt when she got rejected and when she realised it was too late, and she said something like, 'It just hit me, like that - it was just over and done with.' There's something so tragic about time making relationships impossible, about it being too late, and I think that really got through to the readers.
Again, thanks for your absolutely awesome review! Report Review
well I finally got over here to read this so now I can make up for nicking all the good questions in Missy's thread :p .You had one mistake and a brit correction so almost perfect :D . But did he realize that what he had done to me could cause my own death? realise. But was sort of wish was that? what sort. There was also a bit somewhere in here when Ginny thinks Harry has just rejected her, but I've lost hwere it is. I wasn't too sure about that because right at hte beginning you talk about how it would have been better if Harry had told her they could never work that he didn't like her anymore or something, which is more rejection and what he did was worse than that. So not too sure baout that line, wherever it actually is.I've only read one other fic about this, Noblevyne's I'll Follow The Sun, and you both wrote it great. I thought you really got into Ginny's emotions and characterised her well. I especially thought I am not a book to be put aside, a marker keeping the page where he had stopped was a very Ginny thing to think.I really thought it was clever to note the similarities between Voldemort and Harry in Each had the will to prove himself and the ambition to finish what he started. Both are leaders and powerful wizards, I've never really thought about it before but it's very much there in the books and mentioned often. and then you had Ginny think And I am the girl who knows and has loved each of them which I htought was great and really well done.I liked how you included the if only's If only that moment could have lasted forever and wondering about the might have been's, very real and I could easily picture Ginny thinking them. And for some reason I really liked The paths that Harry and I had to take from that moment were not the same, nor would they ever meet.I htink my favourite line was An inexplicable silence that filled my heart with despair and hope, like being lost by one thing and found by another it was such a lovely paradoxical image. And then I loved the reflection on Dumbledore's words, they are at his funeral after all I believed him then, but now I understood what he had really meant it was good that she undertands now and i liked how you ended it. Lovely fic, really liked reading it :) .Author's Response: Wow. This is quite a review. =D It's wonderful to hear that you liked the story (and that there was only one small mistake =P). Ginny's an interesting character to write - or maybe it's something I picked up from fanon (like Lauren's story). I enjoyed writing her thoughts, especially when she compares Harry to Tom - a comparison that I couldn't help noticing in the books. Thanks so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it. =) Report Review
yay! Have finally read one of your fics! I chose this one because anytime it has ever been mentione din passing that a. I've only read one S/L fic, or b. I've never read anything of yours people have said 'oh you should so read Noel!' And wow I'm glad I have :) .Well I've never reviewed you before so this is when I'm going to point out all the nitpicky mistakes I found :p . I also changed it to british spelling etc. but you don't need to use these of course; just there if youw ant them :) . a sure sign that he’d definitely imbibed in too much Christmas cheer the night before not sure about this one, is the 'in' really necessary? realizing she wasn’t going to leave realising. I couldn’t right just send them off drop the 'right' or add in something that makes it make sense. cream colored sweater she was wearing coloured. as she pressed her back into his chest as he pressed her, or as she pressed herself. Sirius turned a mischievous grin her direction grin in her. There’s still time to get you home in time for Christmas repetition of time, maybe change one. His light tone had been easy for her to recognize recognise. it was a defense mechanism defence. tiny white lights bathed them in sea of milky white shadows a sea. and high laced collars the color of parchment colour. He had followed Lily into each store If we're going British, every time you mention 'store' it should be 'shop'. When he realized she was headed for the door realised. No more rationalizing tonight rationalising. feeling a bit sheepish at how childish he had reacted again not quite sure here but I think it should be how childishly he had reacted or how childish he had acted. of long ago Christmas’ with her family Christmases, an apostrophe is never used to form a plural. realizing his comment had come out sounding arrogant realising. She asked her as several couples twirled faster around them asked him, or it might have been he asked her, I've lost where it was so it's one of the two :D . Sirius felt the tug in heart move from something friendly and merry to connection he’d always refused to recognize tug in his heart...to a connection....recognise. all leading to a single moment of perfection, colored their world coloured. with more visibility that she had intended than.Sorry went on a bit there, I'm too picky really *rolls eyes*. Well I hardly know where to start with everything I loved about this fic, I guess I'll start little and hope I remember everything :D . Your descriptions are just amazing, you painted every scene so beautifully and I loved how you phrased everything. I particularly liked the initial description of when they went shopping in London (oh, i have a question. Why are they in London? Considering they're in Hogwarts in Scotland it seems an awful long way to go, or are they old enough to Apparate in this fic?)What I loved most about this fic was they beauty and elegance you wrote it with, the captured moments of them dancing and the gift of snow were lovely. In contrast there were also some moments that made me laugh and I really liked these, like She quickly realized where she was and jumped out of his bed with as much dignity as she could manage and I completely adored the present they eventually got James knowing it held a pair of plaid boxer shorts that sang “Holly Jolly Christmas” and blinked with magical Christmas lights *laughs* that was just perfect.Your characterisation was spot-on, everyone that got mentioned was IC (and though he only got the smallest mention I have to love this about Remus it was a defense mechanism to hide his inner turmoil (as Remus had so eloquently informed him)). I loved your Lily, she's the character I probably find hardest to balance in my fics and I just thought you wrote her so well, from What am I? Hippogriff fodder? to her reaction to Sirius's One day you’ll be old and fat and barefoot and pregnant. No one’s going to be buying you gifts then comment (which I htought was very Sirius too). Sirius is just perfect here, I think my favourite part about him was She had even had the audacity to try and kiss him days earlier to which he had laughed and told her the mistletoe must have affected her brain and the careful way he doesn't want to allow her to love him. You just wrote that wonderfully. And I liked when he was undecided over his clothes before they left but they both dressed up, that made me smile. I thoughtou played them both off each other really well.Well how could any part of this be my absolute favourite except when they're dancing (oh, I loved the part about the old couple, that was such a lovely image and concept) when Sirius says What could possibly be the perfect thing to say when the first completely perfect moment finally arrives in your life? and how she then doubted if she was understanding it properly. Wow i just loved that moment. A truly brilliant fic, I really enjoyed reading it :) .Author's Response: Gosh, if you always review like this, I’m going to start begging you for reviews! This was fantastic! As to grammar – I admit, I’m terrible at it. The British/American conversions I never seem to get right and even when I try with syntax it seems I always miss things. Thanks for those corrections, I will definitely get in there and make them all. Very few of my fics are beta read for grammar (only content) so I love it when I get the corrections I need to fix things…it’s the only way I learn! I appreciate all the kind, kind comments you made. I’m not sure about people sending you to this fic..its wordy and rambling and well, just not my normal writing style. I ramble, don’t get me wrong :P but I took an extraordinary amount of care with this story in hopes of giving the site and my readers a gift they would really enjoy at the holidays. Your review was amazing and you’ve no idea how much I appreciate hearing what you liked, what I need to fix and what worked for you and what didn’t. Thanks ever so much! Report Review
omg I think I might cry! Elfie that was so sad!!! and just...wow...*composes self to write coherent review* :DWell let's get the mistakes out of the way first before I start gushing about how brilliant this fic is. around the midst of the clearing alerting this sentence is too long, putting a comma between clearing and alerting (which should be there anyway) may solve it, but not sure if it's just too long a sentence even wiht commas. my dear Moony” missing a full stop on the end here. is impeccable, Sirius” Remus whispered softly as the nearby tree’s missing a comma after Sirius and it should be trees. his minds eye watching mind's. a small laugh escaping his lips as he memorized his friend’s wide-eyed gaze this sentence is too long. Also in my reviews I usually point out brit spelling, I would not have expected ot have to point it out to you Elfie but we spell memorised with an s :p . Oh, Padfoot” Remus whispered missing comma after Padfoot. ok, after this point I stopped picking out your fullt stops and commas at the end of dialogue, you need to read this through and add them in, there's 5 or 6 still after this point in the story. his heart pulsing with deep anxious as he became conscious anxiety.Now other than that, this is such an amazingly written story. I'm going to go recommend it after I've written this but you've bene waiting for a review for a while so best get it done before distracting myself :D . The thing that strikes me most in this is your description, it's just phenomenal. Things like The unspoken song of the morning thrush dancing with a luxuriant abundance of hope were just amazing and you kept it up throughout the whole fic instead of just having it at the beginning or something.I loved the way you wrote them together in that beautiful scene. And when Sirius said That maybe so, my dear ol’ Moony, yet I was always paramount in catching the girls I just had to laugh, that was perfect. And then you matched it with lines like he could still feel the sincerity and warmth of his friend’s heart, the gentle reassurance he gave him when they were alone, and the immensely accredited trust that drifted between them with ease, that was one of the best lines, it was such a lovely image to paint of them and to describe the bond between themThen you went and hit me with His hand was poised in the cool autumn air as the vibrant space in front of his flushed face lay empty allowing him clear sight to the distant clouds in the sky. He was alone *sniff*. That whole last part just had me, it was really well written and so very very sad. My favourite line of hte whole fic was in this part the memories will always and forever stay within his heart like a tomorrow which would never come, now that got me teary. The wording is just so well done and then when you ended with Remus saying he'd always have him too, it just all came together so well and was just so so touching. Brilliant fic, really loved reading it :) .Author's Response: wow! Stormy I am lost for words. This is such an amazing review - you have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so so much. I am speechless and wow! thank you Report Review
wow, well that was certainly different, I thought it was a very imaginative take to where the books could go :D.You only have one mistake that I could see (apart from a few missing/misplaced commas), and a couple of words that you could change to the british spelling if you want :). “gaining incredible yells and screams from my relatives” 'gaining' isn't really the word you want I don't think, causing or something like that would be better. “I have no idea how I memorized their stuff” memorised. “I had only brought my wand for self defense” defence.*giggles* really, imagine if Harry did wake up one day and think “Screw the Horcruxes!' I thought to myself. 'I'm going to look for my own soul!”, highgly unrealistic and very OOC, but I'll forgive you for hte purposes of writing a humour fic :D. The wizarding world would be at a bit of a loss if this happened, to say the least.Have to say I think my favourite line had to be “Maybe he wasn't as witty and smart as he wanted everyone to believe” about Snape. Well, I'm inclined to like anything about Snape but that made me laugh. I like the tone you take with that even from canon, carelessly brushing it off and having Harry just go off on a journey to discover who he really is.I loved all the little scenarios you put him into, though what I had to love most was the fact he went all the way on a bike! It would have been amusing if he had found his purpose in among any of those you wrote him with along the way :D. Probably my favourite part was the confession to the catholic priest “He told me that I was possessed and needed liberation or something like that” *laughs*.Was it significant that he winded up in Scotland by the way? I thought it would've been ironic if he had discovered his true purpose in life was the purpose he was already being made to fight for. The end was also amusing, especially when we found he had been gone for a year and the part where Hermione nad Ron got confused as to what he'd been doing. Really nice fic, I liked reading it :).Author's Response: Wow! Huge review! lol Thanks for the pointers on British spelling. I've just learned about that recently. With supposedly "standard" English they teach us to write words like 'memorize/memorise' with 'z' instead of 's'. Even online dictionaries seem to have the 'z' version rather than the 's'. It's very strange to learn there are two two standard English versions.I just hope than when I return to U in a few months to College of Education to make a master's in Teaching Eng. As 2nd Lang. I won't mess up. lolAnd yeah, this is very unrealistic and just done for philosophical humour purposes. I'm glad you still liked it. I did think about Harry having arrived to Scotland, precisely where Hogwarts is, but decided to leave that open in the end. I'll try to fix the wording a bit to make it more British when the archive is open for everyone to update. I'm not worried about this one to go into queue again, seeing as it is a one-shot. It won't affect other chapters or anything by disappearing, if that happens. :) Thank you for your review! Report Review
ok wow, firstly let me say I simply loved this fic, it’s such a good portrayal of the Malfoys and I can’t believe I’ve never read anything of yours before. Secondly, you have that song stuck in my head, and it’s creepy, this is your fault, I hope you’re satisfied ;) .You have a few mistakes in here which I’ll just quickly run through but not that many :) . as he lifted he heavy robes the. regardless of need, he have them had to have them. the brief flicker of love he had held for had quickly diminished held for her. revulsion evident in every word that past his lips passed. Shall Dobby be fetching the Masters trunk Master’s. Also, would Dobby address him as THE Master? Surely that’s Lucius, you could just drop the ‘the’. missing the pained look that past across his mothers face passed.I think my favourite part of this has to be your use of the lullaby, it’s very cleverly changed and used within the fic. I love the changes you made to it and think it fits Draco perfectly, and hearing that lilting tune in my head at each interval in the fic was very eerie and effective.What I can’t get over are your characterisations, they’re just so spot-on, completely accurate in my opinion. I like how you start and end with a canon event of Draco, though I feel the fic is more about Narcissa. Right from the start of this you have Draco’s mindset down as the only son he had been required to attend; it had been his duty to attend. and After all, they were the best money could buy; comfort ranked only a close second were just so fitting for his thought patterns. And I had to love how Narcissa fussed over his hair and he said I am fine with my hair just the way it is, mentioning Draco and not his hair seems never to happen.Now Narcissa, wow I thought you wrote her perfectly. I particularly loved the whole part with her when she was pregnant with Draco and fighting to regain some of the man Lucius used to be. It was a wonderful take on their relationship and very well written. It was also really touching, especially when you wrote She was, after all, merely his wife.Lucius was also captured perfectly, with the whole scene with the lamb and the snitch. He was chilling and manipulative and I just felt so sorry for Narcissa, she was never going to win that battle. Very sad when you ended that part with He never noticed the lamb was even missing. It was like it was showing how it would always be from then on. You just wrote the whole dynamics between the family so well and it’s such a good look at the environment Draco grew up in. Really great fic and I loved reading it :) .Author's Response: Thank you very much for your lovely comments. I am so pleased you enjoyed this, and flattered that you think it a good portrayal. I'm afraid though that yes, I am satisfied. You have no idea how long I suffered with it going round and round in my head, and I think it only fair that others suffer too. :P
Thank you also for taking the time to point out the little mistakes. I can never spot them myself, and had to read the piece several times to find them now even with you telling me where they are. I can be incredibly blind in that way. They are all fixed now though.
I took me ages to change the words the the lullaby, and I am very pleased to know they had the intended effect. Trying to find rhyming Wizard alternatives was, to say the least, a challenge. The first part of the fic was actually taken from a different fic I wrote on Draco/Pansy. And yes, I couldn't avoid mentioning Draco's hair. The two are inseperable.
I was surprised by how much this fic seemed to centre around Narcissa at the end. She rose from a minor part as I enjoyed writing her so much. She was, after all, merely his wife. This was one of my favourite lines, so I am incredibly happy to have you point it out to me. Lucius was a bit harder to write, as I had to play with his character to get the right balance between his coldness and his love for his family.
Thank you again for taking the time to leave such a wonderfully detailed review. It means so much to me, and all you kind words and comments are greatly appreciated. Report Review
Wow, that was a really original fic. I don’t read all that much humour, but I have to say I loved this fic :) .You have very few mistakes in here, the odd place where there should be a comma and such, but I took out the words that could be changed to British spelling if you want to as well as the couple of mistakes I picked out. If not, just ignore them :) . It has come to my attention… this first sentence is much too long, you need to break it up. You do realize realise. you just have the worse luck shouldn’t this be worst? you do realize Harry will eventually kill you realise. is the reason that you are so dense is because the seond ‘is’ shouldn’t be there. so many colorful failures colourful. do realize you have just doomed him right realise.Now what could I like more about this piece than the humour? The character you created was just wonderful for it and I particularly loved the insults you kept slipping in that became so characteristic of the letter-writer real smooth Riddle. Real smooth and But NOOO gloating is so much more funI can’t choose between the next two lines which were my favourite so I’ll talk about them both :D . Say it with me Avada Kadavra…see not hard in the least just the image of someone getting Voldemort to practice Avada Kedavra just made me laugh, I loved it. And I also loved It’s people like you that give Slytherin its dreadful reputation! because it is but for a differet meaning and I just loved how you twisted that double meaning there.Another great part was the advise to take up gardening, that made me laugh too :D. Not entirely sure that sentence about the gardening makes complete sense, but I love it all the same :p . Oh, and the ego one, an excellent point :D . The end when we found out who was writing the letter was brilliantly done too, I especially liked the bit about pinning his hopes on Draco, lol. Really liked reading this, wonderfully written.Author's Response: wow I love big repsonses...makes me feel SO LOVED! *SQUEE* I am glad you enjoyed it...I would change those british bits but I am horribly lazy lol...thank you! Report Review
Ok, at your insistence here I am :p . And I have to say wow, this is quite the opening to your story! I really liked it, though I think the first half is a little difficult to get through and jumps around a bit, maybe look to re-working this.You have a lot of mistakes in here, mainly grammar. I suggest you get a beta to help you with the story, I recommend finding one from Perfect Imagination, they have excellent beta’s. I also corrected any words that weren’t spelt the British way, feel free to disregard these if you don’t wish to change them :) . Tender wind carried, what seemed like forever, so many colourful petals first sentence, it makes no sense and I’m not quite sure what you meant but you need to change it. had its charm and mesmerizing power mesmerising. and even barely tangible presence in the air and even a barely. she would be given the key to her future, which will inevitably open the door to the past. Then only time will show… you change tense, all will’s should be would’s, and that last bit I think would be better as ‘only time would tell’ rather than show as that’s what people normally say, I guess show does make sense though. there was no sign of a single ray of light because the curtains did not let a single ray of light penetrate the complete darkness enveloping everything in sight that whole first bit ‘there was no…of light’ is unnecessary and seems repetitive in the sentence. sender was someone who she believed to never hear from again whom she had. seeing they did not even know seeing as. went by her side went to her side. She was crying and holding tightly the girl word order, the girl tightly. They had gone afterwards to the local pub local pub afterwards. Rene could not bare looking into their bear. She had known when Rene had went to school had gone. as she realized the absurdity of this formality realised. Realizing she had to be strong realising. They had the bulgiest round eyes and little black dresses the House Elves could not wear dresses as this would make them free. Take the House Elves at Hogwarts, they wear tea towels stamped with the Hogwarts crest (if memory serves) or Winky before she was freed (tea towel draped like a toga). It’s time for you to realize how vital your choices realise. and even the humble house elves looked disapprovingly disapproving. Even if it was not underground, it was ominous enough to be mistaken for one sentence doesn’t make sense. Renessa could recognize a map recognise.Now I really loved pretty much everything else :D . I just have one question, how do you pronounce Rene? I mean, I said Ren-ess-a in my head, but couldn’t decide if Rene should be Reen or Renn (I prefer the second one, but the spelling would indicate the first pronunciation).I loved the character of Rene, she was wonderfully written. I particularly liked Rene could not bare looking into their eyes, which were full of sympathy and... pity, it made her very real to the reader and easy to relate to. I also really liked your description, it was a bit heavy right at the beginning in my opinion, but then you had things like There was only one room that contained answers, and even more questions which is just wonderfully phrased and made me feel really curious about the room.I adored everything you wrote about the will and the letter Only an hour earlier, Rene had seen saw her mother in that coffin, and now she had to hear her words, as if awakened from her eternal sleep especially made me think how I would feel hearing someone’s will and it would be like that. I had never really thought about it before and you fit it really well in the story, made me shiver :D . This line had to be my favourite from the whole chapter I know it’s going to be hard at times and you will want to ask for my advice. That’s what prayers are for that’s just so very touching and powerful. You write really well and I think you have a great plot starting out here. It’s a wonderful opening to your story and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your story :) .Author's Response: Thanks again, PhoenixStorm. Really, can you even write a short review? Guess not :P Wow, I know I already answered that review, but I cannot just leave empty space under it! It is so helpful really, and do not worry, I found myself a beta reader who is amazing, and soon I will be able to edit that first chapter. I will also post only proofread fics from now on. If someone is to read them, they have to be perfectly written. I am really glad you enjoyed the will. I put a lot effort into writing it, and at the same time, the words just came naturally, you know. And just to make it clear for everybody else, it is pronounced [re'nei]. I know it is weird, but it sounds like that in my head :) What you say about my character, makes me really happy! She was the hardest part to figure out... Last but not least, I am amazed that I have actually written something TOUCHING! YAY for me :P Thanks again for this wonderful review! You're the best :) Report Review
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