Hi there! Tagging you from the "Review the Person Above you"!
So first off I love Marauders stories as you already know! :) So I was very excited to read and review this chapter. I think you have a great idea for a plot going on here. You have an original character with a tragic background and a dark secret, this always draws interest and adds great depth to the character or characters.
I really wish these was a little bit more to the opening. Maybe in the argument between the Minster of Magic and the Healers.
I do have a few CCs for you. First one is that the dialog and the sentence structuring get a little confusing to follow and occasionally feels very rushed, this makes for a hard read. Maybe add in some more transition sentences and phrases.
"The only person missing was Remus, and he was in the prefects’ meeting. (Lily had already gotten back.) They all love to laugh at my pathetic love life, "
You go from Remus not being there to her friends enjoying poking fun at her love life. That just comes out of nowhere and is a little confusing.
Maybe phrasing it like this might work better: "The only person miss from our group was Remus. The group did not feel complete without him. Once he arrived than the joking would really start, and I would be their main target. My friend's enjoyed poking fun at my pathetic love life."
I also spotted several grammatical errors and words missing. Getting a Beta can help with that. I know it has helped my storied a lot!
My last one is the length of the chapter. It's so long. May break it up into two chapters.
Other than that I think you have an awesome story going on with a mysterious OC who is a Seer attempting to live a normal teenage life. While as normal as life can get or a young witch.Author's Response: Hello again!
I like Marauder stories too! Writing this is fun.
The Minister and the Healer will come back into play later, I have plans for Daria's memories... *evil laugh*
And thank you for the CCs, I need to edit some stuff because I was just so ready to post I forgot the whole 'let's see how this actually flows' thing I'm also only just going into High School, so my writing needs some work anyways.
I do plan on getting a Beta eventually, but for now I just want to force myself to crank out some writing. I'll do a BIG edit after I finish posting all the chapters.
The reason the chapter was so long was because I didn't want to have to wait to update and not all my individual planned chapters were 500 words. They're getting longer, so I'll post each chapter by itself now.
I also eventually want to go in and add some stuff in, edit wording and seperate each chapter, but that won't happen until I'm done, maybe later.
Again, thank you for reviewing! Term one is almost over and then it will got more into detail about the relationships (friend ones included).
Honestly, this book was mostly to introduce the relationship between Kaila/Sirius and Lily/James, but I'm really enjoying writing about Daria and Noah.
Part three will be up soon, but I'll be on a Two Week vacation, so I'll try to send in the next bit tomorrow.
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
I thought this was a nice take on Lily's struggle with her feelings for James. I really liked the fact that Lily's reasoning was not simply because he had annoyed her for so many years, but instead because she was dealing with abandonment issues. The annoyance was an easy cover up for her fear.
I like how Alice broke down Lily's arguments and continued to go back to the root issue. Though I think at this point using love to describe Lily's feelings is a little too soon. But that is just my opinion.
There were a few errors in wording and sentence structure, but overall the story was good. I enjoyed it!Author's Response: Thank you!
Yeah, annoyance just isn't enough for seven years of hatred. There needs to be an actual reason for her rejecting James. If it's just annoyance, it's a lot easier to fix then having the fear of being abandoned.
I agree, Alice describing Lily's emotions for James as love isn't quite how I wanted it to go, but it was the only way I liked it. However, it's also toward the end of their seventh year, so 'love' isn't too far off.
Thank you for pointing out the grammar stuff! I'm not exactly Mrs. English Language, but I'll try to fix that.
Again, thank you for the lovely review! Chapter 2 will be up tomarrow or the day afterward!
Shay_Gryff :D Report Review
That was sweet. I thought it was very interesting that you chose to have Mr. and Mrs. Weasley come over with Ron to explain to Hermione's parents about what was happening with Voldermort instead of Hermione simply erasing their memories. It will be interesting to see how that plays out later.
I like how this story was classical Ron and Hermione interaction with the added in attraction that had been building between them. I love how Ron is still awkward in his attempts to explain his feelings to Hermione and how Hermione flys off the handle thinking he's insulting her then suddenly realizing what Ron was trying to say.
One thing I really like about this chapter and take on the story before they set out with Harry, is that they have already shared two kisses. They have now expressed their feelings.
This chapter does a nice job of setting the tone for the rest of the story. You know that there will be danger ahead and that they are focused on helping Harry anyway they can, but also setting the stage for the focus on their growing romantic relationship.
Great opening chapter! Really well done!
Thank you for all your work in the House Cup!
- MysticPhoenix Report Review
Wow just wow! This story is so emotional! I read the first chapter and just had to go on to the next! I made myself stop to leave a review before I keep going!
The first chapter had me practically in tears, and that is hard to do! The agony James was in while he remembered Lily was heartbreaking enough! But when he held Harry for the first time I nearly lost it! Especially when he manged some form of a smile for his son.
One CC I would have about the first chapter is that some of the sentences when James was remembering Lily ran on a bit too much. I think breaking them up some would help.
This second chapter was not what I expected it to be, and I liked that. I like how you did not just jump right into what happened after the hospital, but instead took us back to a few years into their marriage after Harry was born. You did not make their marriage perfect which makes it more real.
Lily was still a know it all who managed to put James down on the occasion and not trust him to be responsible. Then there is James still acting like he is back in Hogwarts from time to time, admitting he is still figuring out how to be an adult.
This take on Lily and James relationship is refreshing and as I mentioned before more real to life. Yes their love was very fairy tale like, but relationships are work and you did a good job of showing that.
Great job! I am excited for the rest of the story! Report Review
Hello there! First off thank you for entering my challenge!
That was such a sad, but touching story! Honestly it was not what I expected. I thought that you were going to write about how they both survived.
I really liked how you weaved together his struggle in dealing with Tonks death, taking care of Teddy, and his attempts to move forward with his life. I also liked how you had Harry be, once again, the person to give Remus the nudge he needs to get back to living his life. And while the story is sad you have a glimmer of hope that Remus will be able to move forward that continues to grow towards the end.
I felt that the story flowed very nicely. Despite the concerned your expressed I think your followed the theme well. You have Remus struggling to figure out who he is in his life with just his son while at the same time wondering what his life would have been had Tonks lived.
Thank you again for entering my challenge! Results will be posted in February!Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I loved writing this challenge as it was so different to anything I'd written before.
If Remus had survived in the books, I couldn't have even imagined it if Tonks hadn't have survived too! I thought that he'd have such a difficulty adjusting to his life without her even though he didn't really want her there in the first place. Harry needed to be the support really in the story rather than anyone else because of their close relationship and Harry calling him back with the resurection stone really did show that. I couldn't have just left it without him getting a glimmer of hope. That would have been far too cruel!
I'm glad you liked my entry! Report Review
I must say I was slightly surprised that Haley did not show Snape her hand. I am sure he could have easily fixed up a potion to make her hand better. Than again he does have a temper and that could possibly make things worse for Haley.
One little thing in terms of writing technique. I would suggest replacing "Detention= not good" with "Detention equals not good". When using symbols like that in sentences, whether dialog, thoughts, or description, the sentence structure ends up reading more along the lines of a text message rather than a sentence in a story.
I do find the idea that Pansy does not actually like Draco both interesting and completely plausible. Pansy does strike me as being a girl who cares more about status than feelings as well as one to do things just to get at others who annoy her.Author's Response: Yes, at first I was going to have her show her hand to Snape, but then I changed my mind.
Yes, thanks for pointing that out. I am actually rewriting every chapter except for the prologue, so I hope you will go back and read the new ones. Report Review
And you add another twist! She's on a mission for Voldermort! Not that she could have said no even if she wanted to. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
I enjoyed how this chapter was both serious and humorous at the same time. The part that made me laugh the most was when she said Snape had better fashion sense than Umbridge! I must agree he does! His all black is far better than her all pink!
Another thing I like is how, going back to her mission, even though she is on assignment from Voldermort Haley still maintains her childishness. I have read a few stories where the character in a similar position to Haley become very moody, cold, and withdrawn. I appreciate the liveliness that Haley maintains.
Good job! Report Review
This chapter was definitely a very fun chapter, you really get to know Haley. Her side thoughts made me laugh. :) I like how you don't make Draco fully afraid of her, since frankly if I was him I would be afraid to show my face at Hogwarts after breaking up with Snape's daughter! O_o
The chapter moves along at a face pace which works nicely for your story. However I think there could be some more transitions or descriptions of what is going on in between Haley's thoughts. I found myself a couple of times wonder how she had ended up at different places.
Over all I enjoyed this chapter!Author's Response: Haha, sorry this took forever to answer. It was a very fun chapter to write too. Yes, breaking up with Snape's daughter does seem rather stupid, but since when was Draco afraid of Snape? :p
Thanks for the tips, I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter :) Report Review
I'm so sorry I took forever to get to this!!!
I think you have an interesting story idea here. The idea of Bellatrix being a mother is defiantly something I have never read before. I'm not 100% sure what I think of this side of Bellatrix as we only know her a crazy woman who is completely devoted to Voldermort. Though that is not to say that if she had a child she would not have developed a softer side for the child.
Having Bellatrix entrust her daughter to Snape if also a very interesting choice. I also look forward to reading how Snape and Bellatrix will interact further on in the story since Bellatrix did not trust Snape.Author's Response: Haha, that's fine! :p Sorry I took forever to answer. *blushes* you think I have an interesting story idea?? Thanks soo much!! yeah, I think anybody, except for good old voldy, would have a softer side for their child. haha yes, I chose Snape because he is my favorite character.
thanks for the review :) Report Review
That was really good and really sad. Even though I knew what would happen in the end I found myself hoping that Edmund would come in time and that Helena would not die. T_T
You write very well. I love your imagery! As I was reading I could picture the story playing in my head like a movie! I am so glad that I saw this story and decided to read it! ^_^ Report Review
Hey there! Sorry my review took so long. I am very impressed by how well your story reflected the idea of the song and flowed with the actual song. I put on "What Hurts the Most" while reading your story and really enjoyed that it follows the song, but at the same time you made it your own.
I'll admit I've never been a big Draco fan, but I found his character in your story to be very relatable and open. He wasn't cocky or arrogent, but hurt and sad. I really enjoyed how you played with his character. We also know that in the end Draco and Pansy did not end up married and I could see what you wrote happening between them and being the reason he married Astoria.
Once again excellent job.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you liked; i enjoyed writing it too because I adore that song. :) Report Review
I think you have a really interesting character in Bee. I can't wait to read more and see what happens! Report Review
I totally thought I had already reviewed this chapter! Good thing I checked back to see if you had updated! Well one thing I can say for Vira is she is not one to be pushed around. I like the fact that when others try to intimidate her she turns it right back around on them, even Ginny who makes most people run and hide! Good job! Hope you update soon!Author's Response: Thanks. ^_^ I'm definitely hoping for enough free time soon for that. I have many updates I want to do. :] Report Review
Talk about a curve ball! First we find out that Vira and Lucius are intimate and now we discover that Draco and Vira had been/are intimate as well! At this point I am a little unsure of what I think a Vira. She is obviously strong willed and very much her own person. This is definitely getting more and more interesting.Author's Response: Haha yes. Vira is definitely unusual. It's hard to tell if she does it on purpose of if she just can't make up her mind.
I'm glad you're finding it interesting and I love reading your reactions to what's going on. ^^ Report Review
I find Vira's connection with Voldermort interesting. The fact that he 'speaks' with her is even more intriguing. Also I thought at first that the man that came to her room had been Draco not Lucius, that defiantly adds a twist. Is Draco upset because he thinks his father left his mother for a younger woman? Or does he like Vira?Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I love reading what you're thinking as you go along. It's nice to know what kind of effects events have on what you're thinking and on the questions you ask. Very helpful. ^^ Report Review
Very interesting beginning. You give the readers just enough information to know that she is part of a large plot and involved with a man, but other than that the reader knows nothing, but wants to find out more. I am looking forward to seeing where this story goes!Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. ^^ Report Review
Congratulations on completing my challenge! Your story was very interesting. I liked how you used Rose's thoughts to convey the feeling of the story instead of dialog. It was very clear how torn Rose felt between her family and Scorpius. One place I really would have liked to see dialog would have been them actually saying "I love you" to each other. Overall it was a great read and I enjoyed it!Author's Response: I have to admit, it was a very difficult one for me to write. I don't usually try to write romance in that way, even tragic romance, so I feel I could probably improve it.
It was my intent that the last part was actually spoken dialog and it's just his reply that isn't communicated. I'll try and make it clearer. ^^
I'm glad you enjoyed it though. It was certainly a challenge and I enjoyed trying it out. :] Report Review
I just found your story and read through all six chapters! Sorry for not reviewing all of them, but I just had to keep going! You're story is very good and definatly keeps the reader wanting more! I can't wait to find out what happens next now that Lais and Sirius have been reunited and she has just been introduced to the Order! Write more soon!Author's Response: THank you so much for reviewing :) I'm glad you like it so far! I'll update asap! Report Review
That is interesting about the bracelet. Write more soon! I want to know what happens next! :)Author's Response: Thanks:) check back soon for updates :) Report Review
Interesting start can't wait to see where the story goes.Author's Response: thank you :) xx Report Review
I have spent the last few days reading your story and I have very much enjoyed it! Also your story offered a wonderful break from all the papers I have to write, so thank you. I find your plot interesting and by no means a sterotypical James/Lily story.
I do have one suggestion for your story and that is to break up your paragraphs both when characters are speaking and otherwise. Your paragraphs have a tendancy to become rather long which makes them hard to read. Other than that I think you are doing a great job and I cannot wait to read the next chapter! Report Review
I just read all the chapters and I really like your story! I can't wait to read what happens next!Author's Response: Glad you liked it! thank you so much for reviewing! much love! Report Review
Fudge really is a idiot, but that was definatly a close call for Mia. Poor Izzy I feel bad for her. Hopefully she gets to meet Sirius soon. Report Review
I can't wait to read what happens next! Report Review
Yes I agree Professor Binns needs to enjoy his death where he isn't going to bore people to death. Mia being a teacher should be interesting. Can't wait to see what happens next. Report Review
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