I read the first paragraph, and then I had to stop.
Already, I could tell that this was going to be something special. Something to be savored and allowed to linger, and I didn't want to have any interruptions while reading. So I made myself dinner, pulled the phone off the hook (metaphorically, as we have cordless phones), and made sure that everyone knew not to talk to me for an hour. I may have to up it to two or three now that I'm done, as it's still lingering.
This was amazing. I could toss out so many other adjectives to describe it, but amazing was the one that popped into my head, so we'll stick with that. You've somehow managed to completely capture the voice of a highly precocious child. Ironically, this is the second time now that you've penned a story that reminds me of one of my very favorite books. This time, it's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Perhaps the best young author around. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to you should you ever need inspiration for Orange. It is actually a bit scary how close Orange and Oskar Schell (the protagonist and narrator (mostly) of EL and IC) are. I have him listed as one of my heroes on my Myspace page, so that tells you how highly I think of him, and subsequently, of Orange.
Orange is the best original character I have seen in fanfiction, and I say that without an ounce of hesitation. I do, however, hesitate to say what I'm about to. I think he's almost too good for fanfiction. I wouldn't be doing my job as a reviewer and a huge supporter of yours if I didn't point out that I thought this story is eminently publishable, even without the Harry Potter tie-in. I'd hate for you to do it (as then I wouldn't get to read the rest of the story, which would indeed be a tragedy), but it might be smart to stop here and then re-work this and subsequent chapters so that it's an entirely original story. Then shop it or self-publish using a site like cafe press. Heck, I'd buy it in half a heartbeat.
There is just one negative to the story that I'd like to point out. Orange's colorblindness requires a fair amount of suspension of disbelief. It is extraordinarily rare for a person to be unable to see any color whatsoever. In fact, I just went and looked it up, and there are approximately 500 men in the whole world like that (It's got an incidence of 0.01% in males). Orange could certainly be one of those, so that's not the part that's difficult to swallow. Instead, it's that he's able to function normally. These individuals have a very rough go of it. They are not able to see very well except out of the periphery of their vision, and have a very difficult time with bright lights, having to wear dark sunglasses even indoors during the daytime. On the other hand, I've found during my research that it would be possible for Orange's loss of color perception to be neurological rather than genetic. Brain damage, a traumatic event, all of these could lead to true color blindness, and they won't necessarily be saddled with the problems of those who inherited the disease, as they'll have a full set of working cones in their eyes. Plus, it would allow for a fantastic moment later in the story when a second traumatic event allows Orange to see in color... Not that I want to write your story for you, or anything :) You do that more than well enough :)
So now that I've said all of that... I want to make it very clear that I wouldn't change anything about Orange. You've got him perfectly. So he's got an exceedingly rare form of colorblindness that's not been described before... I don't particularly care, and I'm sure your other readers won't either. This is fiction after all. And, as I've mentioned, amazing fiction. I love the way that he takes everything literally, the way he eats oranges, his affection for his mother's lap, his peculiar manner of narrating, his precociousness, his world view, gah... I love it all. Period, end of story. (Please don't let this be the end of the story, despite what I said earlier! I'd hate not getting to read the rest of this! hate)
Speaking of amazing... how about those secondary characters? I've fallen in love with Johnny Banks, as well as Paula and Mum. You said you have trouble writing OCs? Are you delusional? I would kill to have just a fraction of your talent at generating fully three dimensional characters in such a short space of time, and with so few words. I've never seen the likes of it in an amateur.
You know I loved the way you wrote Alice, I really and truly did. But this is so much better. You've outdone yourself to no end. You've now got my two favorite pieces of writing on the site (heck, online period, and honestly I'm having trouble justifying not putting you amongst my favorite authors, period, up there with the Foers, and the Vonneguts, and the Saramagos)
I could go on and on and on about this story. Seriously. And it's just the first chapter. But the longer this is, the more time you'll be spending reading it rather than writing chapter two. And so, I will close with the following.
If, for whatever reason, you wind up in a career other than writing, the world will forever be a grayer place for it, colorblind or not.
Thank you.Author's Response: When I read your first line, I braced myself for a tough critique. I was afraid the first paragraph was so awful that you couldn't get through the story. Well, was I in for a total shocker! I can already tell that this is going to be a long author's response. First of all, my general reaction of your review is as follows. I was actually in the middle of writing the second chapter of this story when I decided to check to see if I had any reviews. I read your review once. And then again. And then again. And then once more. Honestly, tears came to my eyes at how lovely your review was and I sat there for a good half an hour just thinking about your review and feeling quite overjoyed. Wow. You made my day. No, correction. You made my week. You made my fanfiction "career". Okay, now moving on to the specific parts of your review. I'll definitely check out that book as soon as I can... *prepares to scurry off to barnesandnoble.com* I've never heard of it, but you've definitely made me really curious. Not to mention you made me seriously blush. And wow about what you said about Orange as an OC. Eek. Publishable? Whoa. Seriously. I am going to continue on HPFF with this, but I may tweak it in the future to make it entirely original and see where that goes. But gosh. You'd buy it?! That's absolutely insane. Moving on to the colorblindness. I did a fair amount of research on that and I discovered basically the same statistics as you did. However, it was at that point that I decided to just ignore everything and write, since I was getting highly sick of research. But the neurological colorblindness sounds very, very interesting... you've definitely helped me out with that point and I couldn't thank you enough for that! And gah, you like my secondary characters?! There's a new one coming in the next chapter and I think I kind of like him... kind of. But eee, I hate Paula! It makes me really happy that you like her! And golly, just wow on this whole review. Wowowowowow. And the last line [aside from being ridiculously complimentary], is really clever. ^^ Hah. Anyway, I can't express words to thank you enough, so I'll end this here. THANK YOU x 394734878347843! Report Review
I quite like it! I didn't know that you were a mother, but even if I hadn't read your little bio-blurb before reading this first chapter, I probably could have guessed it. You've got the children spot on, and with the type of accuracy that only being a parent can give you :)
Your writing is very, very good, and there was not a single moment where I had to sit back and make a mental correction or an adjustment. Trust me, that's very rare in fanfiction, up to, and including, my own stories :) However, you do punctuate your dialog a bit differently than I do (you end yours with periods, I end mine with commas. Usually... it's all a bit tricky :) ), but it wasn't at all distracting. I don't know how much advice you'd really like on it, or even which one of us is right, so I'll just say that if you were going to look into changing anything at all about the chapter it would be that. But like I said, it doesn't change any meanings or lead to confusion, so I see no real problems with it.
I really love what you've done with the kids! Albus in particular, strikes a resonant chord with me. I was the kid in the seafood department hoping the lobsters wouldn't get boiled alive. They say you can hear them scream as you boil them, you know... not my cup of tea (which merely whistles merrily).
As for the plot, I'm very interested to see where you're taking it. I never gave much thought to what actually happened between Harry and Dudley in my story, and it will be interesting to see him interacting with wizards and magic on a level he hasn't had to since we saw him trying out a Ton-tongue toffee. Needless to say, I'm adding this to my favorites so that I can keep track of where its headed :)
I'll give you a 10, and let it be said that you deserve every one of those points, I'm not just doing it because you've been so wonderful to me in reviewing my own story :)Author's Response: Thank you so much, I truly appreciate your opinions. My girls both insist on stopping by the lobsters on our weekly trips to the grocery store.
I'll keep the comma thing in mind. I actually had a friend beta read this, and she caught a few typos and things that I fixed in Chapter 2. I still need to fix some of it in Ch 1.
Thanks so much again, I hope where I end up taking the story proves worthy of the praise. Report Review
*Gasps for air* That. was. wow, just wow. Literally, I can think of nothing to say other than wow. Wow.
This may just be my very favorite piece of fanfiction. Risk-taking, mind-bending (breaking?), and above all else, wow.
While I'd love to tell you that your writing is immaculate (w/ the completely forgettable exception of one 'here' that should be 'hear' in the second paragraph), that the story is rhythmic in the way it traipses through the mind (Wow!), and that every punctuation mark is eagerly anticipated in hopes of seeing a familiar phrase come after it, to do so would just sully such an extraordinary bit of writing in the world of the mundane.
Your style in this really reminds me of Jose Saramago's Blindness. In that brilliant work he writes in such a manner such that the rider is effectively struck blind. Here, you've managed to create an illusion of insanity using very similar means.
He won the Nobel Prize for literature... Wow.
Wow. Author's Response: I have a humongous goofy smile on my face right now from that review. Seriously, I'm like, grinning from ear to ear at this moment! I've never heard of that author or Blindness, but if he won that prize, being compared to him is just... wow. Thank you sososososososososo much for making me smile like this and I'll fix that hear/here thing as soons as possible! Report Review
Oh my goodness... I LOVE this idea, I truly do. It has a very Memento feel to it, and that is one of my very favorite movies. This has such fantastic possibilities, and I truly hope that you'll explore them. But if not, my mind will still wander through them from time to time now that you've planted the seed there.
Please make it grow. Please.
I'm giving you a 10/10 because this is seriously a great idea. Have I made that clear enough?
The way that Harry interacted with himself through the letter was very cute, and brought much needed levity to such a dark premise. That being said, if I was going to offer any constructive criticism at all, it would be that you perhaps over-used the device.
When I realized that Harry was standing in the remains of the Burrow, I actually gasped, and the fact that he took the picture of the Weasleys with him really moved me.
I assume that the person in the summary who won't let Harry go is going to be Ginny, who will somehow survive whatever her current affliction is, and if that's the case, I think it'll be brilliant. But if not, I'm sure that the mind ingenious enough to come up with this plot will have something extra special cooked up.
So let me just say this. I truly hope that you continue you this, as it would be tragic to see such a novel idea die here.
-Butch Report Review
The first paragraph of this chapter hooked me, and I wasn't able to stop for any reason until I reached the very end. Even then, I could do naught but stare at the screen absently for nigh on a minute. Wow. Just Wow.
The imagery in this is truly amazing, and were I one of the producers for the movies, this is the ending to Deathly Hallows I would have preferred. A slowly shrinking arena with death lingering through every archway? Good God! I was literally trembling every time Harry would come close to falling through! But of course he wouldn't allow himself to be finished off by Voldemort, not without a fight, and his realization that love was truly his ultimate weapon made me well up.
And this ending is so very reminiscent of JKR's own, what with Harry giving Voldemort a chance to redeem himself. The difference of course being, that you are willing to see the slightest bit of good in any human being, while JKR feels that there are the odd few who are beyond saving. Honestly, I like your way of thinking better.
And it looks like I was right to think that Voldemort was a fool for trusting Wormtail to sacrifice himself. If I were to point out any weakness though, it would be that we never do find out what happened with Snape and Wormtail outside the vail (unless I missed something, which is entirely possible). I'd be quite interested in knowing what happened on the other side!
But the ending... oh! the ending! Brilliantly understated, and that's tough to do. Often the temptation is to go all out, and that can really water down the emotion of a moment. But no, you've managed to nail Snape's sacrifice on the head, and draw a coarse black underline beneath one of the greatest fics I've ever read.
Thank you so many times over for taking the time to write this, I will cherish the memory of reading it for many many years.Author's Response: Oh, Butch, it's always a thrill now to see a meaty new review from you, and it's hard for me to think that this will be the last. Thanks so much for being my first and most interested reader! It's meant the world to me! I was almost shaking when I started to read your review, because, like I said earlier, I really struggled with this last part and was excited but scared to know what people thought. I mostly had trouble with the logic of linking the love spell with what Harry has to do now (it's a stretch, for sure, and had me worried, because I wanted to live up to the feeling of reality in JK's stories). It's a real relief to know that the story's not weak in the end, though of course it could stand to be touched up, but what doesn't?
As far as the stuff with Snape and Wormtail goes, I was hoping to imply that they were completely deadlocked when Harry left, and nothing could be done, and both were close enough to the veil to have their chance to enter if they went for it. So Wormtail could have saved Voldemort if he'd wanted to, and chickened out (as you predicted!), and slunk off with his tail between his legs, leaving Snape there to wait for Harry. But I'll bet you saw it as something much more interesting than that, and I feel that perhaps I didn't give enough thought to that part of the story, if there's potential for more.
As we agreed, the fact that Voldemort used Wormtail to cross was the greatest overall weakness. The purpose was to squeeze in Wormtail's life debt to Harry. But HP fans will definitely be skeptical, and it's something I should consider revising for sure.
Last of all, a quick, big thanks for the favour you tried to do for me on your page. I'm sorry to say it didn't work (my read rate has pretty much died!), but the intention was worth as much as the reads would have been, and I can't thank you enough. I'm wishing now that I'd had more experience with fan fic-ing before, and maybe I'd have chosen a more imaginative title and used a banner, and perhaps I would have gotten myself in the public eye a bit better. But that's a small thing to concern myself with! I'm just happy for the experience; this is my first 'published' work, and it's been well worth it.
Leigh Report Review
Random and pointless? Yes. Completely and utterly hilarious? Merlin yes! I found myself smirking and rolling my eyes and laughing out loud, and that's quite a bit of praise coming from a stoic like me :) The whole idea of a wand abusers anonymous is enough to get me going, but then to have the actual writing be as terrifically witty as it is... fuhgeddaboutit.
I'd like to point out a few of my favorite lines, but it's going to be really difficult to single out just one or two... the whole darn thing has very very funny. But, I must say that upon reflection, "I think with a little help from some friends, and counseling, possibly shock therapy, you will be like any normal person…only with squinty eyes and freakishly pale skin,” may just take the cake.
That being said, it is just a tad bit out of character, don't you think? (j/k) :)
I'll give you a good solid 10/10Author's Response: Wow, your review has totally made my day!!! Thank you so much!!! And I loved that you quoted it! Thank you sooooooooooo much!!!
~LB Report Review
Aww, this is such a sweet little story, and it is very well written to boot. I am desperately in love with Ron and Hermione stories, and this one is right up my alley. Ron's almost declaration of love was so very telling. I was of course rooting him on, but at the same time I realized it couldn't possibly have happened on that particular night in Deathly Hallows. So what you've arrived at is a very nice compromise... somewhere between unconditional love and an overwhelming crush. They're both growing up so well.
If I were to give you one piece of constructive criticism, it would be to lose the one italicized thought of Harry's. It's the only one in the whole story, and it's ever-so-slightly jarring to have to jump out of the fic momentarily to try and figure out that it is actually a thought that Harry's having. There should be an easier way of getting the point of this thought across without actually having it be a thought (confusing enough for you? :) ). In addition, that's the only place I noticed a punctuation error in the piece, with a period being used after the italics instead of a comma.
But as I said before, I really did enjoy reading this :) It was such a fantastic moment in DH when Harry wakes up and thinks that Ron and Hermione fell asleep holding hands, and it just begged to be expanded upon. You've done a lovely job :)Author's Response: wow! Thank you so much! Thank you for your advice and I totally understand what you mean. I'll keep that in mind for future stories. Again, thanks!
~AmericanRonnyBabe Report Review
This fic is like the tide. I keep rushing back to it, and reading it again and again. You've nailed this one, LostMaeblleshire. This is in all honesty, the very first fanfiction I have ever cried while reading (other than my own, but that was mostly just because the smell was making me well up).
And any author that can make grown men cry has a very special gift.
Use it well.
The easiest 10/10 I've ever given.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so very much, JKButcher! I'm very, very flattered! Report Review
You have touched many, many lives throughout the years, mine included. Without your influence my love of Harry Potter may have waned rather quickly. You see, I had only just discovered the books when I first found this site way back when. But you set up a place for people to discover more about the fantastic world and more about themselves. It is the latter that I think will be your greatest legacy.
A website more often than not takes on the attitude and quirks of its founder/administrator, and that is the largest part of what made HPFF (And VH) so great. You were patient and understanding with new people, creative and willing to improve the way things worked, and a work-aholic. These are traits that I saw rub off on many many people throughout the site, and it is you who are to blame. Not only did you give people a place to let their imaginations run free, you also gave them an education at the same time.
I respect you tremendously Jay, and I can say no more than "Thank you."
Thank you for giving me a chance.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Thank you for your faith.
Thank you for the playground.
Thank you.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! Report Review
What a sweet little story HarmonyRose. I'll readily admit that this sort of thing is not my usual cup of tea, but I enjoyed reading this.
You're quite talented; you've managed to write the dialog very well, which is something that tends to trip up a lot of other authors, and your sentence structure does a good job of emphasizing important emotional aspects of the story. There are few things I dislike more than an overwrought sentence that begs the reader to feel something. Simple is almost always better, and you've nailed it.
That being said, I'd like to make a suggestion for something to pay a bit of mind to when you write your next story. Your second sentence: "The snow was falling slowly; big, fat flakes slowly drifting to the ground." is a bit repetitive. Try to avoid reusing the same adverb (or adjective for that manner) in a given sentence. Try instead something like: The snow was falling slowly; big, fat flakes drifted heavily to the ground.
The fact that the above is the only thing I can really constructively criticize should tell you what I really think of your fic (I quite like it, if you hadn't gathered).
I did have a question about what happened to Lily's family though. For the purposes of this fic it doesn't need to be explicitly explained, and you're certainly well within your right as the author to withhold the information, but I'm curious, so I'll ask. What exactly happened to them, and why haven't we heard about it in canon from Petunia? If Lily feels at all responsible for the death of her parents, you can bet that Petunia will blame her too.
But don't let my silly inquisitive mind keep you from thinking I liked the story. Because I did. Very much.
Cheers!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your constructive advice! Okay, so originally this was a one shot. BUT, I've decided to go on and make it a short story. Chapter 2 is waiting to be validated and I've already written Chapter 3. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure the upcoming chapters will answer some of your questions! :D Report Review
What do I think? What do I think?!? Bloody brilliant, that's what I think...
This is a fantastic bit of writing. Well paced, exciting, and executed perfectly. I couldn't locate anything to find fault with in this (and believe me I looked). You've managed to capture Bellatrix very well in particular, and I also enjoyed your Wormtail.
Very good use of italics throughout, both for spells and for emphasis.
And speaking of baited... I am now awaiting the next installment of this with baited breath. I'm a sucker for a well-written fic with a cliffhanger.
A very easy 10/10.Author's Response: That really means a lot to me, thank you! I'm so glad that you liked it. And all of those compliments...you've left me blushing. I've finished writing the next chapter, so it'll be up as soon as I can edit it and get it validated. Report Review
Well now... isn't that an interesting idea. You've done an excellent job of setting the mood; the desperation, hopelessness, and resignation of a life under the reign of Voldemort. I also enjoyed the little touches like the exclusivity of the Death Eaters, the eradication of Muggles and Muggleborns, etc.
"I still keep the music box Harry gave me. I have lost the key so it can’t play, but I keep it. It sits on the mantel over the fireplace and on my birthday I will dust it off and hold it. And I will cry."
The above quote was lovely, and it actually did provoke a physical response in me. Simple language and sentence structure as above is often much more effective at tugging at the heart-strings.
I do have a few bits of constructive criticism. You've made a few errors concerning the Harry Potter universe; Voldemort is spelled incorrectly, and Ginny would actually be 79 or 80 in 2060 (she was born August 11th, 1981). In addition, there are a number of other words that are spelled wrong, faithful should be fateful, barley should be barely, insrumountable should be insurmountable, Saint Nicolas should be Saint Nicholas, etc.
While a spell checker would pick up a few of these, there are others (barley and faithful) that would require a bit of proofreading to catch. I would suggest obtaining the services of a beta-reader to help you catch these small errors.
So to sum it all up, I think you've got a highly creative and well-thought out idea. I can tell you've had fun coming up with the idea, and that comes through in your writing. You also have a good sense of voice, and do an excellent job of setting the mood. A few small errors here and there do not detract from the readability of your fic, but could be fixed quite easily through the use of a beta-reader and the lexicon.
I'll rate you at a 7/10, and would ask that you continue with the story despite its supposed status as a one-shot. The idea really is intriguing, and I think you can do it justice. Report Review
A fantastic start, I must say. I've often regretted not just jumping in at the deep end of my own story, as now I have to slog through a whole bunch of stuff to get to the ending (my pride and joy). Oddly enough, your fic has a few similarities to a couple of mine. I too will employ a lengthy bit of time-travel, and I've used the 'Harry sees his parents on the night of their death' plot before (albeit that was in a 'dream' of Harry's when he was connected to Voldemort, and the dark lord was using a pensieve). I've no clue why I've told you this, as it isn't really relevant :)
In any case, I love what you've managed to do with the trio in just a few short lines of dialog. It gives me great hope for the rest of your story (and I will assuredly be reading). It is just like Hermione to be more concerned for Harry than she need be, and Ron's "never again. Not ever." Is note perfect. And as a vehement R/H shipper, I'm loving the subtlety of their relationship here. I can't stand fics that make the romance the most important part of the story (unless its touted as a romance of course).
I also enjoyed your portrayal of Lily and James' home life, and how you've managed to get all of the canon pieces surrounding the night in question into place. Sirius and his motorcycle, Hagrid, Dumbledore with the invisibility cloak. Very nicely done.
You are a very good technically, but if I was going to make any suggestion, it would be to break up your paragraphs a bit more. Whenever someone new speaks you should start a new paragraph. Additionally, some of Dumbledore's lengthier speeches become a bit difficult to read (especially on the internet), when the paragraphs are that long.
I too work a full time job, and find it hard to find the time to sit down and write when I get home. Unfortunately, I decided not to take the route you did, and am writing a full-lenth seventh year fic. I'm paying for it now. Perhaps I'll just have to settle for living vicariously through you.
I am definitely looking forward to the second and third parts of this.
Cheers!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the read and the review! I definitely see what you mean about the paragraphs being long; I've gone back and tried to break them up. I think they looked ok in Word, especially from my perspective where I could read it at the rate I wanted it to go at, and not from that of a new reader. It's definitely a lot of talk, regardless of paragraph breaks; I felt that that area was weak but haven't decided what exactly to do about it yet. And thanks for the great encouragement! I'm definitely going to have a look at your things today; I haven't had much direction in my reading on the site up till now so it'll be great to read yours. I look forward to seeing what you meant about the similarities! And a sincere congrats on the dedication to write out a whole novel! Report Review
I had been wondering as to the gender of the author, but I think this chapter made it quite clear :)
Your young couples are very sweet with each other, and it's fun to read, but I do hope for a bit of conflict at some point. All fluff all the time gives you cavities, you know?
I like the nods to continuity with the Celestina Warbeck and the Yule Ball reference. I also particularly enjoyed Mrs. Weasley dealing with the gnome.
I was not, however, a big fan of Harry and Hermione being in the wedding party. It would seem to me that Fred and George would be more obvious choices for groomsmen, and I didn't think that Bill and Fleur had had much if any interaction with Hermione. But I suppose I'm just trying to find things to quibble just to be contrary.
Onwards and upwards!Author's Response: so i have read all of your reviews and they are very helpful. thank you so much for telling me all of this. also please keep reading and reviewing, it really does help me with the future chapters. thanks so much for all the help. Report Review
Well now I'm intrigued by the two missing employees. I do hope that they play a larger part than just being throwaways. We shall see.
It would seem that Voldemort has just been dealt a serious blow. That many of his most loyal Death Eaters being put out of commission at once would be devastating. I'm sure his revenge will be swift and terrible.
You've done a good job at giving this chapter a sense of melancholy.
You've probably noticed that my reviews have changed a bit since I started back in the first chapter. This is simply because you have got me more interested in reading this as a story than as a fic in need of some constructive criticism.
Well done, you. Report Review
So that's how Snape dies, eh? Hardly going down in a blaze of glory. I take it you're one of those who feels that he's thoroughly evil? Nothing wrong with that.
You do write action fairly well (it's one of my weaknesses), and you've done a bang up job (pun intended) of injuring nearly everyone Harry cares for in one chapter.
I liked the use of Imperius!Ginny, and the thought of her throttling Harry is one that will live on in my head for quite some time. Report Review
"That’s a great idea little bro" said Fred and George, and they both apparated to the kitchen to tell everyone the good news.
"I was only joking! Come back here!" and Ron sped out of the room after them.
Well you certainly are good with those one liners, aren't you? I have to hand it to you, you are consistently surprising me with how much you have managed to engross me with this fic.
That being said, your punctuation took a bit of a holiday there in the middle section during the twins' dialog.
I am also slightly concerned about Mrs. Weasley's reaction to the news that Ron and Hermione were finally together. Sure Ron was a prat, but she didn't even acknowledge that the fact they were finally together was a good thing.
As for Ron, I think that in general you're doing a very good job with keeping him in character. And his revelation about Romilda Vane was well played. Report Review
Aww... sweet. There is a lot to like in this chapter, so I'll go ahead and point out a few things in particular.
"Everything had a good healthy coating of white on it, including it appeared, the chickens, which seemed to all have bow ties on."
That might just be my favorite quote from a fanfic ever. And I am serious when I say that. Very cool, and very imaginative. I knew there was a reason I chose this fic to read and review.
"What happened?" she asked as she saw Harry and Ginny standing there, Ginny holding a ring. "Wait! You didn’t...she didn’t...Oh my goodness!"
A nice piece of dialog, and an authentic Hermione reaction.
I do think you've rushed the romance slightly, but I'm a big supporter of OBHWF, so I shouldn't exactly complain about it, should I?
Oh... and I would totally read a one-shot about the Pre-wedding party from Mrs. Weasley's point-of-view :) Report Review
Color me slightly confused... I was under the impression that it was the dead of night? Didn't Harry wake up at midnight and then get packed immediately to leave? By my reckoning, that would mean that the MoM was fully populated and giving Apparition exams at approximately 1am... when does that Wilkie Twycross sleep? :)
On the other hand, I really really enjoyed what you did with Stan. This was a fantastic way of resolving his little plot-line (something JKR will certainly do as well). A fantastic bit of authoring that was.
Beyond that, your dialog punctuation was again lacking slightly, and as mentioned in another review, the others had been on the Knight Bus already. But all in all, a nice little chapter. Report Review
Very nicely played. I've always been a fan of the cliffhanger, and this one works quite well. Additionally, I really love what you've done with Harry warning the Dursleys that an attack might be imminent. A very imaginative bit of writing.
I also got a bit of a laugh (albeit unintentionally, I'm sure) out of the idea that a magical 'signature' can be gotten rid of using common Muggle household cleaners.
You did a LOT better with dialog punctuation in this chapter, and now I feel kind of silly about harping on it in the last chapter. It is always very nice to see an author get better as they continue through a story, and I can see that you are definitely headed in the right direction.
Just a few small quibbles. You've managed to misspell 'stupefy,' and apparating. For words such as this, which wouldn't be caught in a spell checker, it is best to use the Harry Potter Lexicon (a fantastic free resource). I go there pretty much every time I use a spell to ensure that I spell it right, as I have made this mistake before (Expacto Patronum... ::smacks forehead::)
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Report Review
Well, seeing as you said in one of your responses to another reviewer that you liked constructive criticism, hold on tight :)
First, I want to emphasize that I would not be writing a review like this if I did not see something in you that I liked. Though this chapter was short (I did note that subsequent chapters were longer, though I have not yet read them), there was enough to get me interested. I particularly enjoyed your comparison of Hedwig's look with Hermione's; it's something I haven't seen used before, and it worked very well.
You use proper grammar and spelling for the most part, which is very important. I'd just like to suggest that you work on punctuating dialog. It is one of the tricker aspects of writing to get a handle on, and while you did far better than most, you consistently made tiny mistakes with it. A Beta-reader would be invaluable for this type of correction, though you should be able to get by just fine if you were to take a look at a website that had the dialog rules listed.
There are, however, a few things in the chapter that confused me regarding the canon. You have Harry performing non-verbal spells with ease, and this just does not coincide with the Harry from the books. Sure, Harry could perform one non-verbal spell (the HBP's), but he struggled with all others to the point where he was told Snape, his supposed enemy, that he needed to work on them to defeat Voldemort. If you want Harry to have gotten better through practice, then that is an excellent way to do it, but you should mention it. Of course were he to have practiced, he might have gotten in trouble with the Ministry for using magic while under-age.
Secondly, you insinuate that the copy of Advanced Potion Making that is laying in the room is that of the Half-Blood Prince, when that book was last seen when Harry left it in the Room of Requirement. If you want it to play a part in the story, that's great. But you should really explain how he went about getting it.
All right, on to the next chapter.
Perfect. Absolutely, positively perfect. I usually enjoy leaving nice long reviews, but you've left me a bit speechless. I was certainly not expecting a fic quite this good when I clicked this link on a whim.
Many thanks for bringing a smile to my face.Author's Response: You're very welcome. I'd glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
Pssst. It's Hermione, not "Hermoine."
Certainly not my cup of tea plot-wise, but I can't hold that against you.
I would advise running your story through a spell-checker, or possibly obtaining a Beta-reader, as there were numerous mistakes in both spelling and grammar. Unfortunately, this seriously detracts from the readability of the fic. On the plus side, the vast majority of these errors can be chalked up to simple typos, and could be cleared up quite easily.
Author's Response: thanks i'll have to admit i'm not a very good typer :) Report Review
I always love these get back to classes and into the swing of things chapters because they give you a real feel for the author's willingness to be creative and go after new things. You've really hit the nail on the head with this one. You give good depth and background on each class and things that are being taught (with the exception being HoM, but who cares) The trio's interactions seem to be pretty spot on, though I'm still very wary about the whole love triangle thing that you're still building up. Another humorous error... (besides Ron was warming up to Michael after they had broken up). I had no idea you'd written a slash prequel :) Off to what I'm certain will be another excellent chapte!Author's Response: hahaha! WHAT?! If you're going to over-analize every sentence like that you'll certainly find more mistakes.... and if you're wary of the triangle then... well, that comes up in basically ALL chapters, so prepare for serious wariness. thanks for liking the class descriptions, i try to put them in because i feel they're left out of many fics.. Report Review
Excellent stuff. I'm not a fan of this Fletcher girl at all, nor do I particularly care for Patricia. I certainly hope you don't let Patty onto the Quidditch team, though with how far behind I am you probably already have. So Ron fancies Hermione, Harry fancies Hermione, Hermione fancies both of them... I don't like where this is headed. A pretty comical mistake in this chapter...
"Harry, are you awake?"
Harry's eyes snapped open, and he groaned at the sound of Ron's voice next to him.
"I was before you woke me up!" he said in a strained voice.
Good to see that you started to use Viktor rather than Victor. And the plot finally kicks off... can't wait to see where it goes.Author's Response: lol, that DOES sound stupid. and yes, i've created myself a nice little triangle, haven't i? Patty will in fact be on the Quidditch team, but not in it's best interest... Report Review
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