Oooo ... interesting. Strange how you use Diana's death as a more tearful situation than their close friends. I would never have done it, but I suppose it's a good little twist to it. I am hoping this story will be Harry/Hermione and not Ron/Hermione. I'm slightly put off reading your other story, due to it being Ron/Hermione and them having kids. I really have a problem with shipping any other ship. Oh well, good start and good luck with the rest of your writing.Author's Response: Thanks for reading this, it is a story very fresh in my mind, combining two of my favorite loves, hp and punky brewster. My other story is mainly canon ships at the beggining but keep reading as i post you will be pleasently surprised how it pans out.Many thanks for reading again. and tell your friends about it , the more reviews the happier i am hehe Report Review
Hmmm ... I've just picked up on exactly what you're doing. You're copying films and tv shows. Now, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, it's good to use action, but you use too much. I mean, my stories are unrealistic to the fact that it is uncanon, with Harry and powers. But, your story is just way over the top. I realised the characters you're using. Bart Allen, A.C, the Green Arrow, Oliver Queen ... am I to expect Viktor Stone soon? Listen, I hope your plot doesn't turn out like the Smallville episodes. Because readers will already know who the Green Arrow is. I won't ruin it in this review. But I've just realised that most of it is actually just based on tv shows and films.
Sorry, I just don't like you manipulating other media products and writing your own story. It reduces the amount of work you've put into it. And it just limits your imagination and of course, your talent as a writer.
I was liking this story, but since I realised what you were doing, my liking for it has fallen greatly.Author's Response: I'm sorry that you feel that way but not all my ideas are media based. Victor Stone will not be used in my fic. There's no story line for him that I can think of. I expect that at least half or maybe all of my readers will know Green Arrow's identity, i just wanted to bring him in so he can help the League of the Phoenix financially since they will be in a turn for the worse at the end of Part 1. When I sat back and thought of it, it sort of limits my imagination, but not to its entirety. I can't reveal further about the fic. I'm sorry that you don't find our fic no longer entertaining. Report Review
Hmmm ... interesting story. However, you have quite a few errors, just as I did with my first two appalling stories. You miss letters out, place in wrong letters or completely spell the word wrong. I am going to ask two questions ...
Is English your first language? If it isn't I can vagually understand why the errors.
Do you pre-write your chapter on a word processor? If you don't, then I highly suggest you do. It will tell you your errors and you can fix them before adding it to the site.Author's Response: yes, english is my first language. i was born in michigan, i'm a true michigander :)
i am starting to pre-write my chapters on a word processor, so as not to make as many speeling and grammer errors. i used to not...but now i do. if my grammer gets out of controal WITH the help of microsft word, then i'll give you a holler. Report Review
Another good one. You've improved since the last chapter. There is, once more, something where you could improve. When you get Harry and Jasper talking through their minds or when someone is thinking something, then you should make the writing italics. This makes it stand out and it is easily understood.
That's all really. I don't like the Light-Saber thing, because that's Star Wars and it just doesn't suit Harry Potter at all. But hell, it's your story.
Another good chapter. However, once more, there is something you need to be careful about. When you have them saying sentences, you forget to put a question mark when one is needed. You place a comma in it's place. Here's an example ...
“So what’s the plan,” Ron asked Harry.
It is supposed to be "So, what's the plan?" Ron asked Harry.
Also, there is this bit you tend to do a couple of times ...
“YOU COWARD! WHY DON’T YOU FIGHT ME!” Hermione screamed.
It should be "YOU COWARD! WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT ME?" Hermione screamed.
Right, so that's the said. Also, this is a personal choice, I doubt it's in the rules of English. But I only use one puntuation mark, such as explanation and question mark. But I don't think that matters. The final thing, is that when you use dialogue, you don't put in an emotional word.
Here's a made up sentence for you ...
"Why are you doing this? It's so unfair. Please, don't leave me," said Hermione gently, pausing to focus her attention on Harry's green emerald eyes.
You see, you do the dialogue. But you don't place the stuff after "said Hermione". You don't put it there all the time. But to truly describe the feelings and thoughts, it's good to put that bit of description.
I hope this helped and I hope you don't think I'm just pulling out the bad bits. As I do like this story.
Author's Response: THANK YOU! I appreciate your review. I will definitely keep that in mind before I admit my next chapter. And don't worry. I know your just helping. It's good that you took the time to point these things out. So, thank you again:) Report Review
Right, I like it. However, there is something I don't like. Harry is the leader, but you are making the members better and more useful/powerful than him. I think, if you aren't already going to do so, that you should give Harry some sort of power that is superior to the rest. When Bart was running around, you made it seem that he could over power Harry. That shouldn't be so. You should make Harry more powerful than them and able to defeat them easily, if need be. That's what a leader should be. Anyway, that's my thoughts. Keep it going.Author's Response: First of all, thank you for review, this one got me thinking. It took me a long tiime to answer. Harry is the leader, he has powers which are not fully developed. He still has to perfect his 'Verse Modre', and he has his animagus form. Giving Harry all the toys would leave us with a bunch of Dean Thomas' and Seamus Finnegan's. They may be more useful, but Harry is Harry, this gives him the leadership and rise above the rest. Keep in mind one character is not more important than the rest. Bart could run around for as long or as much as he wanted, but he is not superior ro the rest. Bart has weaknesses, which will come later. On a side note , I had to fight my co-writer, to give some characters better traits/qualities. Thank you again for this review, I hope to get more like them. Report Review
Keep it going. However, I can't stress how important descriptive paragraphs are. They are vital to set the mood and feeling in a story. So, try to place more paragraphs, which are none dialogue.Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. And I have been using your advice too, for the later chapters. Thank you for your support. Report Review
Interesting twist to the story. Dumbledore and McGonagall, what a pair.Author's Response: You like it? Report Review
Right. First of all, change to the simple editor, so you don't have these huge spaces. Secondly, to make your chapters long, add a lot more detailed paragraphs. It's all just dialogue. You need to describe the setting, what the characters are doing, feeling and thinking. But, I will read on.Author's Response: The other chapters are a lot better. Thanks. Report Review
Ah, the horrible spaces. Please try to use the simple editor, the huge gaps put people off. Anyway, other than that, it seems like another decent chapter. Keep up the work.Author's Response: ok i was wondering why the big spaces were there and i am currently working on my 3rd chapter thanks for the advice
-Gin Report Review
It looks like it's going good to start with. Keep it up. You have the spelling, grammar and puntuation errors here and there. However, we all have them. There is one thing though. You say Hermione is trying to find out if she's an animagus. You aren't born them, like you are a Metamorphagus. You have to spend three years learning it.
Anyway, good start. Keep it up.Author's Response: ok thanks i really mean it Report Review
Hi, well, I liked this story. The spaces are still large, but much much better. I am waiting to read more. I am curious, have you read my own stories? If you do, I recommend you read Harry Potter and The Four Heirs, followed by, Harry Potter and The Kings of Magic and then my latest one, Harry Potter and The Rise of The New Lords. These are my better stories and I am not proud of my other two, as they are terrible.
Anyway, I will keep looking out for the updates and I hope you read my stories. Thanks.Author's Response: Thanx for the feedback. I have read one of your fics Life After Death. It was an excellent fic in my opinion. But seeing that you have more, I will definitely look into them. I'm putting less and less space between my lines, so thanx for the advice. My fic gets darker and darker in part 1 of it. There are alot of twists and turns. My next chapter is under validation right now. Report Review
Hmmm, it's good. However, you should add the chapters in the Simple Editor format, so you don't have these huge spaces. It really is very frustrating reading it. Therefore, I place it as a 7, since I found it annoying scrolling all the time.Author's Response: Thanks, but we found out later about the simple editor, read on and you will see less space. Report Review
Looking good. I have read the other stories as well. I am curious as to whether we will read more about what the different types of wizards are in more detail. Like S-Class etc. It would help us understand the difference in power etc.
Author's Response: yep, we would see the results of the examinations and dumbledore will explain what the rankings mean. Report Review
Right, interesting things going on. However, I have some points to point out. Firstly, this is so short. It may be how you want it, but some readers like a decent length chapter. I usually try to aim at a minimum of 2000 words and a max of like 5000.
Second point, you really need to space things out. Place dialogue on seperate lines and place new paragraphs on a new line. It gets difficult and confusing to read.
When you seperate things with the dashed line, try to leave a line space before and after it, to make it clear.
One last thing, this is something I don't like, but others may not mind it. When you end a sentence with punctuation such as a question mark or an explanation mark, try to only add the one. Don't put something like "?!?!" It just looks terrible. In my opinion.
Anyway, good start and I hope you continue to attempt new ways to write, as I do.Author's Response: Thanks for the advice friend, I was wondering about my format myself. the chapters are going to get longer as it gets into the Philosopher's Stone for those of you who are reading these reveiws, read this guy's stories, he is damn good. Report Review
Hi. You have spaced it out fairly well. However, you need to use punctuation more. Such as commas and more fullstops. Just try to break the sentences down.
Also, you seem to list what the characters are doing. Like Harry decided, Harry did that etc. Well, this is a basic way to put it, but you need to sort of describe it more. Use more words.
Let me try give you a example. This may turn out completely wrong, but here is goes.
Harry decided to stroll over to Magnolia Cresent and call upon his dreaded transportation of the Knight Bus. The wretched vehicle that almost killed its customers.
Before Harry called upon the big purple bus, he decided there and then that he ought to write a letter to the Dursley's to tell them what he was doing and not to worry (like they would).
I will stop here. But, I hope you get the picture I am trying to put across. Just entering more words makes the actions more described. Good start however and I hope you continue to try out new writing styles, like I do. Reading helps this a lot.Author's Response: Cheers for the advice this should make my stoiy more intresting Report Review
Looking good so far. I am wondering if this story will contain any ships. If it does, which would it be? I would be most pleased if it was your previous ship of Harry/Hermione, which is also my ship.
I look forward to reading on in this story and your others. I wonder if you have read my stories? If you haven't, please read Harry Potter and The Four Heirs, then Harry Potter and The Kings of Magic and then finally my newest release of Harry Potter and The Rise of The New Lords. The other two stories on my author's page are terribly written and I need to get around to rewriting them in the future.
Author's Response: Wel, it will be a more canon attempt, so I presume shipping would come into play but don't expect this to be a romance/fluff story.
I'm back into reading fiction these days so I'll check yours out too. heh- this is cool, Harry Potter himself is the first to review my Seventh year effort. Roar! Respect man! Report Review
By the way, I did not mean write it on another site. I mean save it on your word processor and then post it onto this site once BIB is almost completed or completed. Write the post HBP for yourself until BIB is complete. OR another solution is to make BIB a short story. Report Review
Right, I am a great reader of your stories and I don't think I have reviewed before. For that, I am sorry. However, I thought I must upon reading your statement about dropping BIB and going to do another story. I think that you should write the post HBP but not post it on the site. Whilst doing this, continue to post BIB chapters. I really do not think you should end the Legacies. I hope this has been helpful and I hope you jump over to my stories and give a quick read. They are nothing like these, but I get quite a few reviews. So maybe it is alright. I hope you continue BIB and in the future I look forward to reading your new story.Author's Response: Well, thats the thing, I don't think that 'posting on a different site' is going to make much of a difference. If i post there, might as well post here, huh? The problem is that it's the lack of time and the enthusiasm I had somehow waned. i still would love to finish this story, but I want to try the Post HBp first, I have some cool ideas. Read the other review responses for more info. Report Review
Looking good. I look forward to reading more. As you know, I helped in the correction on a few things. If you want me to read it through before you post it, then I will. Up to you though. Anyway, good luck with the story and I hope to see some good chapters later on. Author's Response: thanks Luke, i changed the bits that yuou pointed out and a few that i just spotted so hopefully it will be ok :P
Second chapter WAS written but because this site is sooooo over protective i had to change a major part so it will have to be changed :P Report Review
I liked it. There were some slight errors. Such as; you would place "him" when it was suppose to be "he". It has given me some slightly ideas to do with one of my stories and I thank you for giving me that. Good work. I'll look for sequal.Author's Response: Thanks for that. I knew something was wrong with it. Report Review
It was way too rushed. You got them meeting after several years, that alone should be one chapter. Then you should slowly make them show their feelings. That should be another chapter. Then in the story, it should go by a few months, then they should get married. When Harry proposes, that should be the end of a chapter. The wedding was rushed and nothing was explained. Readers want details and more information. Then Hermione became pregnant and had a baby, within a few paragraphs. You have crammed in about six or seven chapters, all into one. Harry also propsed way too sudden. You should also space out your dialogue. Use "these" to seperate the dialogue. There is nothing more I can say. I may or may not read on. Sorry.Author's Response: Fine...I will change it... Report Review
I think it was rushed. It was good, but it was too fast paced. I know you are talking about me, in your author's note. I have school, my final year. It is the hardest as I have exams soon. I have an evening job and I travel on weekends, where there is no internet. I do keep my grades up to some C's and mainly B's. However, I still am able to write a chapter. Report Review
I think it was rushed. You did too much in a short space. You also need to space out your writing. Look at my chapters, I space mine out. Other than that, it sounds a good story.Author's Response: Sorry, And thank you for being honest. I do agree, I should space it out a bit more. I will try and fix it. This is my first fan fiction on any site so I am not the best writer yet. And thanks again for your review it really helps. Report Review
I like it a lot. There is one more thing. Why can Hermione perform magic when the age limit is 17 in the wizarding world?
Witches and Wizards can only perform magic when they are 17 or over. I think you have messed up somewhere. Report Review
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