Okay, this is a really promising start. You've set up the story very clearly (see below for details), the characters look really promising and I particularly like the idea of stalker!Scorpius. In fact, I think his lurking actually had me picturing him as Rose's weird second shadow. I hope you play up on that in the next chapters :)
Just two small problems, mainly to do with your effort to make the story clear. One, Rose just seems a little too insightful to herself. I don't know, it just seemed she was a little too well-aware of her problems/flaws to be normal. Some allusion to a problem she might not be so confidently aware of, maybe leave a couple of details of Rose to the rest of the story. I just think this makes it all of a information overload. Also, the dialogue seems a little succinct to be natural. I think this also detracts, somewhat, from the humour. I couldn't tell you how if you paid me, but there it is. I just think you're a little bit stuck in the details, the description, the emotions (as light as they may be) to let the magic of fluff bring the humour alive. (Any questions or if you want my further insight, hit me up with a PM!)
That being said, this really is right up my street but I thought critique was due since you requested it :|
I LOVE YOU, MARINA.
(Please request the next chapters if you don't hate me already.)Author's Response: Georgia, I could never hate you! This review is so helpful. As you know it's my first attempt at humour and lighter things, and I consider you a kind of expert so your advice and critique is most valuable.
Dialogue is something I struggle with, so knowing that it's too succinct will deffo help me in the future. I feel like I'm improving already! ♥
thank you, my dear. You're a gem! Report Review
Okay. This was stunning, Rachel - as always, you have a gasp on language and articulation that I rarely see in literature, let alone fanfiction. The characterisations are seems, very defined even in just the first chapter. The dialogue, too, I thought to be really natural.
Sometimes, I felt like I was getting lost in your description. I found myself scanning the lines without actually taking anything in. Like, in the first scene, I got a vague idea where they were - the Delaclour-Weasley household - and a vague idea of what they were doing - a sleepover of some kind, but I am still not a hundred percent that's right. But I didn't get a view of age or a time frame (until towards the end, of course, but still) - I feel like this detracted from what I was reading because, to put it bluntly, I was pretty confused. At first I thought they were young, then perhaps a little older. I guess what I am getting at is this lacks a sort of clarity that will keep someone's attention.
I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.
I'm sorry this review might not be very coherent, I am feeling rather restless this afternoon :|Author's Response: Just going to answer the first bit with :wub:
DO NOT FRET. I COMPLETELY AGREE. The first bit doesn't fit at all and that screws up the rest of it. This was me definitely feeling my way around the setting before I even knew what was going to happen or how old they are. The ages in this story get so beyond confusing so I'll (a.) remember and (b.) make the whole opening clearer because that's where that should come out.
You were very coherent, lovely. Thank you ever so muuuch.
xx Report Review
Okay, first off - sorry for taking so long! It's really really unacceptable. I read this last week but was having trouble getting my browser to to acknowledge, yes, I am logged on; no, I will not enter my name! and in the end I chucked a hissy fit and stormed off. So yes, apologies! ♥
Never, never judge your stories worth on the review count! This is a solid story and just because no one is taking the time to review, does not discount it's worth ♥
That being said, while I enjoyed the story, I did find some the way you approached some parts rather...bland (it isn't the word I'm looking for but it's the only one I can think of that comes close). I feel that the extensive self-reflection that Lysander gives to his situation takes away from any kind of genre giving it a very general feel, very vague approach to the story. Take, for example, the first scene where Lysander is injured. This could be funny, it could be dramatic; instead you have introduced it mid-scene without it being any real sort of climax and then kind of gloss over it until you reach the self-reflection/arrival of Roxanne, which then falls into the category, I feel, of telling rather than showing.
I feel kind of like this should be a missing chapter of a story I haven't read, in that it is . Maybe introducing the story at a section that reflects Lysander at a point where he is dealing with his insecurities (Care of Magical Creatures, perhaps mid-class just before the incident?) rather than an almost afternote to the Lysander/Roxanne theme.
I really, really don't mean to be so critical - the idea that Lysander does not want to follow in his parent's footsteps is really original and brilliant and I love that you have taken it on. I just feel that expanding on this one-shot could help - it just feels like everything is a really quick, a little bit unsatisfying build-up to the Roxanne/Lysander theme at the end. Maybe, also, a more conclusive ending would help too.
I really hope you take this the right way - I really did like the idea, and I hope you request again ♥Author's Response: I'm not worried about how long it took to get to the review. Thank you for the review and I'm sorry it took me a few days to respond. Real life's been busy lately.
I understand what you mean about it being bland. I wrote it very, very quickly to meet a challenge deadline and I think it has a lot of 'tell' instead of 'show.' I absolutely understand the point of it being better if it had been developed and possibly as a multi-chapter story rather than a one-shot.
I don't mind the CC at all. CC is what helps us to grow as authors. Normally, I don't sweat the read/review ratio as I know that many readers don't leave reviews, but this had no reviews at all, which is unusual for my work (a lot of love it or hate it, it seems).
I'm glad that you thought the concept was at least solid. I think that's often my strong point in writing; I don't tend to write the same cliched plotline that so many others do. Now if I can just work on the little details to push it to the next level.
Thank you so much for the CC. I'm in the process of re-writing a one-shot into a multi-chapter story to give it more depth and I think that at some point, this story could use the same treatment.
Thanks again for the CC and honesty, I appreciate it. Report Review
Okay, starters; I'm so sorry for the delay on this review, I obviously thought I had time that in reality didn't exist. So sorry!
Now the review: Len, this is wonderful! I really liked this idea; I like the twist you have put on this, the role reversal. The "flashback" in the beginning is absolutely perfectly placed. What, as a reader, you think is predictable becomes twisted so beautiful. I think the fact that she had a family that didn't exist is much more of a personal loss than forgetting a family that does. I can really understand why Lucy feels so alone - though I can't sympathise, which makes Lucy seem even more isolated. All in all, brilliant premise of what promises to be an interesting plot.
Sorry this hasn't been more helpful - I really can't think of any CC to give! Feel free to request a review for the next chapter - I'm only reading requested stories at the moment, so not to neglect my coursework. But yes, I would be interested in reading the next chapter, if you are so inclined!Author's Response: Not to worry, Georgia. I understand completely.
So glad you like what has been written, however, the story is about Lily not Lucy. But yes, Lily does feel alone. I'm glad you like the premise of the plot.
No worries on not having any CC. I'll definitely hit you up when/if you open a new review thread. Thanks for the review. Report Review
I had an honest to God heart attack when I saw this, Mel, I don't even ♥Author's Response: Please don't marry Jack. Marry me instead. ♥ Report Review
OKAY FIRST = YOUR CHAPTER IMAGE. OMG, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS BEAUTY DKSFHDAL;DFHA WHAAAT.
[Translation: I love, I love, I love.]
Second: apology for the late response to your request! Clearly I thought I had more free time than I actually did :P
Third: the review.
History ♥ I loved the way you premised the story with factual history, I am a complete history buff so this really appealed to me. The whole idea of "what if the Muggles found out?" is something that is done a lot in fanfiction (and often, quite unrealistically) but I feel you have hit the nail on head with this. The dispersion of the Weasley children, the way you describe Rose, it all just fits. Brilliant. I particularly loved this: Considering recent events, for the first time ever, Rose contemplated the possibility that Voldemort may have been on the right path. I can really see how Rose would turn to this - it's a beautiful, tragic, malicious thought and I love it.
And Rose, Rose, Rose: I love her. I think you have captured her so well, she's completely realistic, brave without being obnoxious and funny without taking away from the seriousness of the story. I think you have done a brilliant job with her relationship with Scorpius, I love the "forced couple" trope and you're pulling it off magnificently so far, so much so that I don't know if there even will be a Rose/Scorpius element (except I am really, really hoping, lol)!
There was only one part I found a little strange with this, and that was this line: Ron went white but said she’d be fine with Scorpius there. I don't know, it just a little thing that made me pause. With Rose going off on a deadly mission with - let's face it, Ron wouldn't have grown up that much - her father's rival's son, I just think he would be more prone to an emotional explosion rather than passive acceptance. It's just a personal response to a tiny part of the story, and I thought I'd mention it because CC for this story is quite hard to find and, I'll admit, it did throw me off the flow for a second there.
All in all, brilliant start my darling! I do hope you request the next chapter, it's the only way I can put it on my never ending list of things to do! (So yes, feel free to request the next chapter!)Author's Response: HELLO DARLING!!
thank you so much for this review of awesomeness!! I am so stoked you like this!! and there is no need at all to apolgise!
history rules! i love love love history so I am really pleased this appeals to you. thank you - i'm glad that even though the concept has been done before, i have done it in a way that is different. rose is amazing. i adore her - i love writing her. she is just...wow.
hahahaha yes the forced couple plot-point. glad it works - i was so terribly worried about that, but i thought it might be amusing!
i dunno - i see ron as having to change a bit, especially with this war going on. he can't really argue with rose, considering what he was doing at 18, lol, but i can see your point. the thing about scorpius does get explained in a later chapter, about why ron didn't mind that part of the mission so much.
thank you so much darling!! i am just so happy you like it and of course i shall request for chapter 2!!
kate xx Report Review
Len, I am so terribly sorry I've taken so long to review this, there is really no excuse - I'd go on but I think that constitutes as spam :P
Okay, so I really, really like how you've set Molly up - she seems really down-to-earth and quite realistic. She seems like a lovely character, and I can really connect and sympathise with her. However, I don't know if you'd consider expanding on Molly's previous couple of years - she seems kind of down-on-her luck and you kind of breezed over it but, without sounding condescending, I don't think I quite believed it. Maybe some expansion on this area could be worth looking into, as you have set it up as an important premise of the story.
Also, I love the sisterly relationship you've set up - usually it's the "perfect older sister" scenario and I love that you've switched Molly and Lucy's roles, it's refreshing! The only slight issue I had was that it wasn't quite clear what their relationship was like - at first, it seemed like Molly was quite resentful (but not in but-she's-my-sister-and-I-love-her-anyway) but then, in their conversation, she seemed very tolerant and accepting of Lucy's seeming perfection. The change of tone just threw me off a little, so I thought I'd mention it :)
But I don't know whether you've addressed either of the crit I have pointed out in future chapters (and I am in no way an authority on what is right for your story!), so feel free to disregard anything as you see fit :) I really did enjoy this as an opening chapter and dkhfahdshf;a Lysander seems dddrrreeeaaammmyyy ♥
Feel free to request for the next chapter, I'd love to give you some more feedback - it's the only way I can justify spending what could be precious study time (damn uni!) :PAuthor's Response: Hey Georgia :) I completely understand about uni, I'm so sorry that it took me so long to respond to this but I found the time to do it :)
*nods* Ok. I'm glad you pointed that out too, I will try to bring up more of how she got were she was. I thought that starting it where her new life opens would've been good but obviously I still need to explain myself. So I'm working on that. I'm glad that you liked how I set her up otherwise :)
Molly isn't the type (or at least I hope she isn't) to really want to step on any toes...except Beatrice. It's not a particularly nice thing to do but people do it - the quite moaning/resentment of someone else but then at like if nothing's wrong. I did point that out at the end of one of Molly's thoughts after she went on about all the things she didn't like about her sister, she did point out some good qualities and said at times that most people didn't appreciate them, even her. However, this pretence does not last long ;)
Nope, not yet but as I mentioned before these issues will come up soon. Ahahahha, I know. I'm really going to enjoy writing him. I'm glad you like him =]
Thanks for the review! I really really appreciate your feedback :)
P.S. If I haven't addressed all of what you talked about then feel free to PM me :) Report Review
I actually love you.Author's Response: Run away with me to a tropical island? Report Review
Celeste, this was stunning. Truly, truly stunning. I really have nothing else to say but well done on an utterly fantastic story.Author's Response: Georgia! Thank you so much! I really don't know how to respond to this, so thank you, thank you! ♥ Report Review
Melanie, you are my light and life, how do you even exist this is too wonderful for words djkhakhfkdsjlkjfalj
&MELANIE;Author's Response: Georgia, you are my muse and I love you. ♥ Report Review
dkfljad;skj Melanie, why so brilliant?
hearts in my eyes foreverAuthor's Response: Oh Georgia. ♥
It is all for you, my love. Report Review
This is such a fun story! It kind of makes me think film noir old detective stories, by the way Tucker describes everything.
...there is something utterly dispiriting about English rain. It never ends, ever, and it’s cold.
“It was funny to fly him into a wall!”
“Shut up Sirius, I’m not talking to you.”
Such a brilliant idea for a story, Jack, and you executed it fabulously! Well done :)Author's Response: XD I like fun, fun is good! Ooh that's interesting, good point actually. I knew there was something different with this, actually describe things way more than usual.
I like that second line better than the first, class banter :P
Thanks lovely! Report Review
This was such an interesting take on the HP series. I really liked the way you laid this out, the quotes I thought were a really nice touch. This really was brilliant, I can't believe it is your first story!
Happy holidays dear!Author's Response: Thank you! I seem to be getting the "I can't believe this is your first fic" response a lot. :P I dunno if it's the fact that I'm obsessive about what I write, I dunno if it's just dumb luck, I dunno if maybe I was just born with writing talent... but I keep getting that response. :) Makes me wonder what everyone else is churning out for THEIR first fics... :P
Happy holidays to you as well! Report Review
TEDDY, MARRY ME PLEASE. ROSE IS WORTHLESS, I AM THE ONE YOU WANT ♥
What is it with your male characters continuously charming the pants off me, Molly? I mean, really.Author's Response: Oi, Rose isn't worthless! So shush you. :P Report Review
Sometimes, he hated being a snowman.
Sometimes, he hated being a snowman.
SOMETIMES, HE HATED BEING A SNOWMAN.
omfg, i don't even
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
christmas dreams = realised
xoxoAuthor's Response: Haha, I'm glad you liked it, love! It's cracky mccrack crack fic, but eh, it's my OTP to end all OTPs. I'll get as cracked out as I want. Report Review
She’s practically crying now. This conversation is way too heavy for a six-year-old’s birthday party.
Try discussing death in linear and non-linear time before 10AM, Rose, and then you can talk to me about inappropriate timing.
Fantastic chapter, Heather dear! Report Review
No, seriously. Tell me :P
Brilliant, love, can't wait for more!Author's Response: NO :P
Thank you, lovely ♥ Report Review
Poor, poor florist girl - though I adore, adore Dominique! And James is a god awful prat - I felt sorry for that poor girl :(Author's Response: I knooow - I just wanted to get a Bridezilla Dom in there :P
Thank you for reviewiiing
xxx Report Review
Hush, you, Ron and Hermione were perfection - Hermione, kind enough to give in; Ron, stubborn enough not to make it easy.
Well done!Author's Response: Lovely :D Job = done.
xx Report Review
Beryl = ♥
Brilliant, my love! To address your concerns, characterisations are looking very sound indeed and I am thoroughly enjoying catching up ^_^Author's Response: Beryl will get a proper appearance at some point. For some reason that owl was going to be important but I've since forgotten why...
Thank you, my lovelyyy
xx Report Review
UM, I'M MELTING. THANKS. That was the single cutest thing everrr and I'm so projecting myself as Audrey right now!
I AM IN LOVE.Author's Response: XD
Thank you, Georgia! Project away! ILY! Thanks for being so encouraging all the time.
Melanie Report Review
This is perfect, Jane! Plain and simple :) Actually, the simplicity of the story makes it even more of a missing moment. ♥
‘You’re not,’ she said, carrying on with her task, ‘but you will be.’
That is such a Luna thing to say! She's so honest and blunt, argh, I just love her!
As you said, not particularly shippy, but lovely all the more because of it!
xxAuthor's Response: You big eejit. Thank you so much, Georgia ♥. I am a missing moment fiend and I was ridiculously disappointed when it turned out Luna/Dean didn't happen. THEY COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH MORE.
Yes, I definitely have some Luna love going on.
Thank you for taking the time to review ♥ xx Report Review
They (Molly/Harrison) are too comfortable! They need to shake things up or let each other go. Molly is such a cutie and Harrison is just...way too secure and Seb is just weird, as per usual. Actually, this chapter he seemed less weird. It's cool because from Molly's POV he seems a little off and then you get into his head and you're like, WOAH CRAZY ALERT.
Fantastic, my love, I can't wait for the date!
xxAuthor's Response: EXACTLY. Give it a little bit more time. If my memory serves me correctly, look out for chapter 13?
I honestly can't even remember writing this. I've just checked when I wrote it and it was mid-January :P He'll get weird again shortly. I think.
BUT GORGEOUS CRAZY, YES?
The date is cute but not a date but is a date and will be sooon depending on how other writing goes. Just wish death on Fancy and the update will fly up!
Thank you, my darliiing.
xx Report Review
Committed = ♥
I love you for updating. I love for for updating fantastically. I'll love you even more if you update soon.
xx Report Review
WHAT HAPPENED TO LORD SAFFRON?
Disappointed, darling. For shame.
...BAHAHA, 'SIF :P Loved it to pieces and let me marry this James? You can have all the other James, just let me have this one.
xxAuthor's Response: HE COMES IN THE NEXT CHAPTER...OR THE ONE AFTER THAT. I CAN'T REMEMBER.
Anyway, YOU'RE FABULOUS AND ILY! Thanks for the review, dear. *squishes* Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection