Reading Reviews From Member: toomanycurls
  
810 Reviews Found

Review #1, by toomanycurlsA Weasley Vacation: The City of Nargles

10th August 2015:
Hello!!

Your reviewing spree reminded me to come back and keep up on your story. In this chapter some of your characterizations were a bit weak with the teenaged girls all seeming to have the same personalities (especially in the beginning with the diary stuff). Lucy's fit about forgetting her diary was kind of odd in the last chapter but having the almost same thing happen with Molly's diary on the plane was a bit repetitive. I get feeling hurt because Teddy was able to retrieve one diary but not the other but I'd expect some of the adults to tell her to get over it and stop crying on the plane (especially as an older teenager).

I'm not sure that Schiphol would be difficult for someone to pronounce. At least Schi and ski make the same sounds in English.

It made sense for Molly to want to bring her clock - you have her still quite protective of the family which I could see (though it makes me a bit sad she hasn't gotten past the trauma of the second wizarding war better). So, I get what you mean by Rox being fond of Hugo but having an actual crush on him is a bit against the site rules. While I don't think you mean for her to have romantic feelings, just that he's her favorite cousin (?) - it really should be toned down into her favoring him rather than having a crush on him. It's a subtle difference betweent he two ideas but one negates any romantic overatures.

After reading Hugo's thoughts on everyone he could possibly be paired with for sharing a room, he doesn't seem to like anyone in his family very much. Overall he makes for a rather negative narrator. I suppose his commentary could be taken for humor but it strikes me as rather sarcastic and negative.

I liked seeing everyone together for the meal but the adults seem kind of stuck like they were at the end of the HP series. Ron hasn't learned table manners and Hermione hasn't really accepted or learned to ignore that annoying habit (in relationships people either get over or get the other person to stop whatever it is that irks them. for them to be married for so long and her to be easily annoyed by that still makes me feel that they really haven't done much growth as a pair).

This is more of a continuity thing but Hugo leaves the table with Dom et al where Harry and Ron are in a deep discussion and make their way to the living room where Harry and others are playing charades. Unless they detoured somewhere for a while, it doesn't flow well for Harry to be in both places immersed in two quite different activities.

It is nice to see them try to wheedle their way into a few hours on their own in the new country. I'm not sure why Molly is so reluctant to let them leave (or why it isn't up to their parents to decide). Teddy is about 24 here so I think he's certainly old enough to be responsible for the kids.

There were a few grammar things that popped out while reading this.

Ofcourse is two words.
There are a few instances where you have 's instead of s to make a word plural.

I felt as if this chapter and the previous one could be a combined chapter. At the end of this chapter I feel as if something interesting is about to happen (or I hope so wtih a group that large venturing out into a foriegn country).

-Rose

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed review! I like how you often bring up things in your review no one else has ever mentioned!

I don't really understand what was odd about Lucy losing her diary? She's 12 years old and slightly spoiled, just like her sister Molly. And Molly losing her diary as well was actually important for underlying things that bloom further in the story. I'm sorry it felt repetive to you -- I promise no one will ever lose his/her diary in this story again!

As a Dutch guy, I've found that foreign people nearly always have trouble pronouncing Schiphol properly. You see, the correct way to pronounce it is actually in a way you're probably not familiar with, 'Sgiphol' but the 'g' is made in the back of your mouth. Sorry, its difficult to explain. Its a Dutch thing. Words like 'Schaar'(Scissor) or 'Schuilen'(Hiding) are pronounced the same way.

I don't see how Roxie having a crush on Hugo is against the rules? Its not a serious romantical crush, obviously. She's barely 10. She doesn't even fully understand what 'a relationship is and the feelings are anything but mutual.

About Hugo's commentary: He does like his family, its just that he's really a sarcastic jerk. He likes to complain about his family, but really he's very similar. You'll find later in the story (as soon as chapter 5, I believe) that he cares deeply for all of them.

Besides this, I think his sarcasm is mostly a 'hate it or love it' kind of thing. You'll discover quite soon that this story is written through several Pov's so maybe you'll like the other characters better ?

The family members are the same as in the end of HP 7 because that's just their personality. Do you really think there would ever come a day were Ron eats all properly and behavedly? That just wouldn't be Ron, imo. Besides, things like that is why many people (including me) love him. Changing these characters like you imply I could have done would result in a lot of people finding them ooc, I reckon. And it would just be less fun if they didn't have the strong personalities we like em for :p

As you'll find if you read on, you deem Teddy responsible enough to care for these kids, but you haven't met my Wotters properly yet if you think that ;p You have no idea what kind of trouble they easily get themselves into.

And finally: The charades/table scene. You got me there, the transition should've been more smoothly. No space left to explain :/ But thanks for the review! Love the criticism!:D


 Report Review

Review #2, by toomanycurlsAreopagitica: Affiche Rouge

30th July 2015:
Hi Stefanie!!

I'm here for the next chapter and wow. After reading such a sweet and touching prologue, this was very, very emotional (but in a completely different way than the last chapter. Of course they're writing lies about Kingsley and probably the rest of the Order - it makes perfect sense to do during a war.

I love Ginny x a large number for her behavior and winced as buttface, I mean Amycus hit and then tortured her. :( This stuff was in the background of DH but you've made it so real to me now. They weren't on the run camping in the woods but the kids at Hogwarts really were heroes for standing up to Amycus and Alecto. Poor McG, watching her students be treated like that too. Madame Pomfrey's reaction was the saddest to me, mainly because her job is to protect kids and heal them.

It was really nice to see Luna and Neville take care of Ginny and !!! we got to see what the objects were for!! I'm so glad it's a way to communicate with them and let them know what's really going on out there. I'm curious about his sources (mainly if that's what gets him into trouble).

Ah! Their idea to spread the right news around is awesome!! I can just imagine the way the halls would look wtih posters and grafitti. I love them.

:-o this is where they go into hiding, isn't it??!?!! McG is tough stuff here. I hate hte position she's in but love her moment of defiance against them.

I'm so excited to see more of this.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hello Rose!

Thanks so much for the review!

I'm so happy you like the next chapter! I've been quite insecure about it for whatever reason.

The kids at Hogwarts are definitely heroes in my eyes. They're sort of forgotten heroes, I think, but so important to the effort.

I hope you read more when I finally write something :)

Stefanie


 Report Review

Review #3, by toomanycurlsAreopagitica: Prologue

30th July 2015:
Hi Stefanie!!

I think I validated this chapter and I remember being curious about your story when I first saw this. The weekly packages are clearly more than the items appear to be - based on Ernie's reaction at least. I could see Luna and Xeno having some weird gift passing of objects that were purely sentimental.

It's lovely to think they're giving the students something to inspire hope during this year at Hogwarts - or something to help them fight.

Each section has a lovely and unique feel to it. You do a great job capturing the three perspectives in this chapter without making them sound the same.

The care that Xeno puts into each package really tugged at my heartstrings. I think in part because I was close to my dad like Luna is to hers (less cray cray with the ideas though) so it's easy for me to get father/daughter feels. I just also think it's a more normal expression of affection between them than we usually see which is lovely as well.

Thanks for doing a BvB swap with me - I'm excited for the next chapter!

-Rose

Author's Response: Hello Rose!

Thanks so much for the review and for being the bestest validator ever! The work you do for this site is just amazing :)

Xeno and Luna really tug at my heartstrings too. I know we're meant to see him as a selfish old man who sold out Harry Potter, but he just loves his daughter so much, how can you fault him? Luna's all he's got left in the whole world. I just think they've got such a beautiful, lovely relationship.

Thanks again for the lovely review Rose!

Stefanie


 Report Review

Review #4, by toomanycurlsA Weasley Vacation: On Their Way

29th July 2015:
Hi Alec!!

I'm here for our review swap.

I was surprised by the reactions to Amsterdam. At least in US culture it's hyped to be a really cool place to visit because of the history and liberal laws (let's just say James nailed it). It also stood out to me as stranged that Albus would know how far of a plane ride it is to Amsterdam. I travel a bit (3-4 times per year on average) and I still have a tough time guessing the flight time to various places (unless I've flown there a handful of times). Now, if they were just visiting the Holland countryside, I'd be with them 100%. It's pretty (I've heard) but maybe not as exciting as the city.

The no magic rule makes sense and it'll be interesting to see how long that lasts.

I feel as if they'll find more differences than Hugo is thinking of going to Holland - at least when I go to Canada (which is closeby) I always noticed cultural differences. I'm not sure if he's being shortsighted or just doesn't know.

Hugo's conversation with Loriette is very cute and it's nice to see that she is also fascinated by Nargles. I'm kind of surprised there wasn't a reaction to Louis calling Loriette a name - unless he said it just loud enough for Hugo to hear. His inner-dialogue about James being Aristotle was amusing.

I felt like there could be more about them getting into and through the airport. Mainly what sort of muggle ID they'd need to travel. I also assume that the technology used in airports would be fascinating to them (luggage conveyor belts, x-rays/metal detectors, etc.). I can't blame Hugo for feeling a bit overwhelmed with his family already - that's a large group to be travelling with. i'm remined a bit of the travelling scenes from Home Alone. :)

There were a few weird phrases that I thought I'd point out:
- diary's should be diarys
-Scorpius the git would read better as a title with it written as Scorpius-the-git
-ensemble should be assemble
-pathetic begging tone is a bit harsh but whether you change it or not, pathetic and begging shold have a comma (which you should almost always do with two adjectives in a row)


Overall this chapter is rather enjoyable and you did a great job keeping up each person's characterization. It did feel a bit rushed considering how much happened that would have been interesting to talk about.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hey!

Yeah well for us Dutch/English people it can be different. For an English person, I think you'll agree it's understandable to get sick of the awful weather there. You hope to go to somewhere completely different & exciting, but nope: you end up going to nearly the same place.

Most English/Dutch people I've found actually know the flight time between their countries. I think primarily because they're so close to each other and because its exactly 1 hour.

I agree expanding their journey to Amsterdam could've been more funny but I wanted to keep the pace quick -- I feel like in the earlier chapters, when people aren't very in to your story, they'll have a shorter attention span.

Thanks for the CC! Since I'm still looking for a Beta, its very helpful. I'm sorry the chapter felt rushed to you, I just wanted to keep it fast paced.

Thanks for the multi swap! My review is coming soon!

Alec


 Report Review

Review #5, by toomanycurlsSaving Severus Snape : viii

28th July 2015:
Meg!!!

Yay for some progress in this chapter. If you didn't have some soon I was going to stage a protest :P I really felt for Hermione at her being overwhelmed by the magnitude of her mission and questioning why she'd do it. She really brings up a good point about how they did win but I feel like stopping the second war from ever happening would be such a good thing to have happen. She really is alone there too - I mean, she can't tell Amelia what she's going through or trying to do. *hugs poor Hermione*

I really love Snape here - showing concern for her but also not wanting to admit that he felt concern at the same time. I'm going to want to strangle him at some point, aren't I? Hermione's attitude with him is great - while it'd be fun for them to just fall in love but I do like the angst of two people trying to come together.

Sirius and James cracked me up (at least at first) with their sneaking around under the cloak. I kind of felt like they were a bit tweedle dee and tweedle dum there but it was hilarious. I do wonder how often Snape thought he heard James and Sirius in the past and shrugged it off as his imagination being overactive.

Whyyy is snape so... well, okay, he was just jinxed and that can't put him in a good place but whyyy?!?! does he have to react like him. :( :( Good fighters or not - it's so upsetting that he hit her with sectumsempre (though it seems to not have been intended for her). I was so glad McG got there. I'm also glad Snape used his healing spell thing on her to help out.

their month of detentions should be interesting *waggles eyebrows*

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #6, by toomanycurlsClimb: Climb

28th July 2015:
Hi Kaitlin!!

I've always felt an uncomfortable connection with Umbridge and the first few paragraphs of this remind me of what we have in common and how those things are often put down by others. Ambition and drive - that's me to a T. Plus I'm a Scorpio which makes me even more classified as malicious and scheming (the darker sides of ambition). I was almost having a life crisis with this and thinking I really *was* a non-magical Umbridge until her questionable methods started to show through. But really, up until she outright stole someone else's report, I was able to see where she was just working hard for what she wanted in life.

You definitely make a good case as to why ambition and ethics should go together because Umbridge definitely missed the marks when it came to integrity. i really like the workplace politics and gender-issues you bring up with climbing the corporate ladder - I found myself thinking 'they wouldn't talk about her if she weren't willing to walk all over people' but I wouldn't say that about a man. Umbridge could be a white paper on so many workplace issues that I've seen.

By the end of the story, she's not at all someone I identify with (apart from visualizing herself in the top spot) because she's just pushing through stuff to further her own political agenda. I love how coy and devious she is and really like this version of her.

Thank you for swapping!

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #7, by toomanycurlsThe Exchange Student: Prologue

28th July 2015:
Alright - this hardly feels fair but I have to review this because you've totally ruined me and made me love timetravel stories. I also consider myself the master and commander of companion fics so I love that you're making one for SSS. AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T BE UPDATING THIS FOR A WHILE?!?! YOU CAN POST A TEASER AND NOT FOLLOW THROUGH!

*focuses*

I really like that you start with his death in DH and that he thinks both of Hermione and Lily in his final moments. You get a definite A+ for making this feel like it could have been part of what happened to him and that he'd hold back parts from Harry.

I'm really excited for this story AND YOU BETTER UPDATE SOON.

-rose

Author's Response: Rose!!

I'm really glad you did read and review this! *frolic*

Ah, come to the dark side, Rose. Let the time-travel stories consume you. And I LOVED what you did with your Remus/Tonks stories. That might had been a part of my inspiration to do this. If mine even end up half as good as yours were, I'll be happy with that. :)

*hides* I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!! I don't want to have spoilers, so I'm only going to be posting the first chapter of this, around the middle of September, and then probably not any more until SSS is finished. But I'm going to be writing this all out along with SSS, so the updates for this won't be as long. Does that make it better? I hope? *offers cookies*

Eep! Yay for A+! I'm really happy to hear that you liked how this was done. This will all make much more sense later on, but this scene HAD to be in this. It makes me super thrilled to hear that it feels like it could fit in cannon, because of me trying to make it all feel as cannon as possible. :)

Thanks so much for checking this out! *dances* I really hope you end up enjoying both stories!

Tons of hugs and so much love,
Meg ♥


 Report Review

Review #8, by toomanycurlsTick Tock: time is running out

28th July 2015:
I need to know more! Who killed her and why?!!? Was she targetted for being a mudblood or was it just a random murder?! Why did she apply for Borgin and Burkes, knowing their reputation? Was it one of them who killed her??

I've never felt so much suspense in just a short one-shot. My heart started to race and I was very nervous for her. I thought for a bit that maybe she had an omen telling about her death but then saw it was just nerves. WHY WAS HER TIME RUNNING OUT!?? I also need to know that.

with the focus being on her murder, I love all the other details you give in this. About the death eater trials and post DH - not to mention the struggles Romilda had going back to school to finish her education. I love that they're still hiding stuff for former death eaters too. How can you make this so rich while it is so short and focused too??

love
-rose

 Report Review

Review #9, by toomanycurlsIn April: you lie.

23rd July 2015:
I think you've written about the one thing that makes me cry regardless of my hormornal state. Losing a spouse, escpially to a disease is something I don't know if I can face in my life but one of us will go first. Two of my aunts have died of cancer and this is exactly what I imagine their husbands going through.

There are tears and i need to know there's hope after this too. Promise me there's hope.

-Rose

Author's Response: there's always hope. i promise.

 Report Review

Review #10, by toomanycurlsWatching: Chapter 1

23rd July 2015:
Hi Kaitlin!

This story really stuck with me when I read it in the queue (as well as when you PM'd me about the ending). I haven't read a creepy stalker fic quite like this but this was incredibly scary to read.

You did such a good job capturing Goyle's one-sided fascination with Cho and how unhealthy relationships can fester. Stalking is something I've only read about and watched in media but he definitely hits all of the markers for a delusional stalker. It's so arrogant for him to think any part of Cho's life was directed at him but that seems to be what stalkers do - take everything a person does and internalize it. I wish he had told his friends about his obsession because they would have gotten him to snap out of it (for stupid pureblood reasons, but it would have saved Cho I think).

I wasn't surprised that her relatinship wtih Cedric triggered his attack. Oh how I wish someone would have been there :( When you sent me this I thoughe he killed himself but now I'm reading that he's there and waiting to be caught. Azkaban does seem like a good place for him after this horrid act.

Wonderful job with such a difficult topic!

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #11, by toomanycurlsHermione Granger: Ron Needed Her.

21st July 2015:
Beth!!

This is such a powerful chapter and view into Hermione in the weeks after the battle. You bring up so many realistic points on just some rather simple things people would have after the battle. The cough, the cosmetic issues that still hurt like a physical pain, ah. It's all too much.

I really loved your paragraph on Hermione trying to fight Bellatrix with Luna and Ginny. The description of Molly's fury and rage was so perfect and heartbreaking.

It's only natural to consider that it easily could have been Ron instead of Fred that died in that corridor (or her) but I hope she doesn't dwell on that for too long.

Part of me feels like Molly wouldn't really fuss with them sharing a bed at that point but I can understand wanting to put things back to how they were before the last year. I would have hated for Hermione to try staying byherself through those horrible nights.

As much as Ron does need her here, it's unfair to not say that Hermione also needs Ron. In the last chapter she was 100% selfless but here I feel she's also benefiting from Ron.

Absolotely lovely chapter!

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi there Rose!

You're the first person to review this chapter since I made a few changes. No content was altered, but I just cleaned up a few sentences and added some emphasis about Hermione missing Fred as well. This review has solidified that I did all right with that- so thank you!

I'm not exactly sure if Molly insisted on certain sleeping arrangements or if they all just sort of fell into what they thought would be proper after everything was all over - Molly was probably too far gone in her own grief to even notice.

And I can't tell you how happy I am that you noticed that Hermione also needs Ron. The next chapter dips into that area as well - where Hermione is insisting (to herself) that she is needed, instead of addressing what *she* needs.

Thanks so much for this awesome review!

♥ Beth


 Report Review

Review #12, by toomanycurlsSpoons: spoons.

21st July 2015:
Hello!!

You have such a touching story about Molly and Arthur after Fred's death. My heart broke for them several times over reading this. I imagine Arthur is being strong for Molly but apart from the physical things you described, he didn't seem as caught up in his grief. I imagine he's being strong for Molly though.

In years since DH, I haven't considered the clock and how they'd need to adjust it for one less family member (or if I did think about it, I let myself believe it would take care of itself). There are a thousand reminders of people after they die that family has to take care of but something as personal as the clock is especially devastating.

I felt horrible that George had been in his room for pretty much the entire time since coming from. In a way, his sorrow was just as impactful too.

Great job on this and good luck with the challenge.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose!

For Arthur, I didn't want to ignore his grief, but you're right, I do have him playing the role as being strong for Molly.

I was very curious about what happened to Fred's hand, seeing as there wasn't a specific place for it to be.

I thought it would be wrong to write a story about Fred and not mention George so I kind of snuck that in there. I'm glad it actually worked!

Thank you so much for the kind review!

-Joanie


 Report Review

Review #13, by toomanycurlsThe Netted Sunbeam: The Netted Sunbeam

16th July 2015:
I have a habit of not reading the era or characters in a story before jumping in so I was convinced this was a next-gen until you talked about Tristan Potter - then I loved this story even more.

One - I love that James' parents meeting in such a sweet way. I love that Isolda rebuffed him in the beginning and that Tristan pursued her (very brashly but sweetly too)

two - I love that you have Isolda coming from a conservative non-white family. It makes me so happy to see characters from different ethnic backgrounds.

three - Isolda and her mom have such a believable, genuine relationship. I love her mother's assumption that Isolda is pregnant at the end. I laughed. really hard.

four - I love that Tristan is going to pursue Isolda following a nice courtship tradition instead of... whatever he would have done with someone else.

five - their romance is borderline clandestine but also my favorite thing ever. Can you write a novel about them? I need more scenes of stolen kisses and small intimacies. I also love how Tristan carefully lies to Isolda's mother about why he's over visiting. I am curious as to why Isolda doesn't want a public relationship with Tristan - perhaps she doesn't 100% trust his intentions. Her comment on them spending too much time unsupervised reveals so much about how she's compromised a bit of herself already but it also shows that she does want something wtih him.

I'm pretty sure that if Iz's mom didn't find them together they'd be in a secret relationship forever. A+ for nosy moms. :D

Isolda might be my new favorite person. She's almost angry that she had to say she was in love with him. I get where she's coming from a bit - Mr. Popular doesnt' seem like her type. I can definitely see a lot of James in Tristan (popular, pursuing his love interest). I do hope you write more about these two.

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #14, by toomanycurlsFinding Him: manor.

16th July 2015:
Hi Sama!

I'm back for chapter two!

I really enjoy how this goes from present to past - and that the past scenes aren't just to spoonfeed info about the present. It gives the story an abstract feel.

So, despite her claims otherwise, I do sense that Rose has some feelings for Scorpius - that much came out clear in the past scenes. Between finding him attractive and feeling leery of him moving abroad, there's something there.

I thought Harry denying them information fit really well with his personality - I don't think he'd cross any sort of line like that at work (even if it was annoying for his kids). I do feel as if Rose's life is a bit empty but she seems to at least enjoy her lonely life.

With Albus being such good friends with Scorpius, I'm kind of surprised he didn't go off and try to find his friend without Rose. Besides his claim that she loves him, I'm not sure why he needs her to lead the search.

Rose's visit to Malfoy Manor was my favorite part! It really seemed like the manor was under slight neglect (with the squeaky gate and... something about it). That could defently reflect how Astoria and Draco feel about Scorpius being gone. I really thought Astoria would completely deny Rose any sort of information but I'm so excited that she got an address!

Great chapter
-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose! It's great to hear from your again!

I was really unsure if the present to past thing would work, especially since it switched more than twice in this chapter. I'm glad you thought it worked. It gives me some relief.

Ah, Rose she was in denial forever. She's kind of accepted it now... well sort of. She has feelings for a Malfoy. It's as simple as that. It's just that she doesn't think it's that simple.

Ah, Harry! I could always see him being loyal to his work so that's why I had him say no. In my mind he's a really kind person that likes to have his professional and personal life split from each other.

Scorpius is away for job reasons so that's why Albus didn't interfere. Since Rose has something she's had bugging her for years, Albus is pushing her to face Scorpius and get everything cleared for her sake. I hope that cleared everything.

Rose's visit to Malfoy Manor was fun to write. I wish at one point in the story I could make her meet Draco but alas I don't think that'll happen. Astoria was really close to not giving her anything but if she didn't, Astoria knew she would have regretted it. And I think she had some hope that Rose would somehow bring him back quicker.

Thank you for taking the time to review! You understand the story really well and it's great when that happens.

~Sama


 Report Review

Review #15, by toomanycurlsFinding Him: morning.

16th July 2015:
Hi Sama!

I really like the thoughts in the beginning about love not always being obvious to the people who experience it (and I laughed about her daydreaming about treacle tart).

I definitely feel as if a lot happnened between the intro and present day. Like, did Scorpius run away, was he kidnapped? Is he just a recluse?

Albus and Rose's friendship is one of my favorite aspects in next-gen stories. I'm so glad to see that in your fic as well. I get the feeling that Albus is as much there for Scorpius as he is for Rose. It's almost as if both Rose and Scorpius are recluses with Rose at least staying connected to her family. It's sad that Albus refers to scorpius as his best friend in the past tense. Albus' insistence that Rose loves Scorpius is so interesting - besides the dreaming about him, is there more he's going on?

Very good first chapter! This looks like an interesting story indeed!

Author's Response: Hi, Rose!

I'm glad your liked the beginning. Rose is stubborn... I think that's why she didn't realize that she fancied someone. And sweets are distracting... I can't blame her for dreaming about a dessert.

A lot has happened. Scorpius hasn't ran away and nor has he been kidnapped. More about what happened to him is coming in future chapters. It actually has to do with his job.

I feel like an Albus and Rose friendship is a must in next gen. Rose and Scorpius are both his best friends. But he hasn't seen Scorpius in almost a year... they have a lot of catching up to do when they see each other again. Albus can read people pretty well, especially Rose. There are a few more things that hinted to him that Rose loves Scorpius such as how she acted around him after they graduated.

Thank you for the kind review! It's always great to hear from from readers who understand the story line pretty well.

~Sama


 Report Review

Review #16, by toomanycurlsL'optimisme: Silence

16th July 2015:
Dear Laura,

I feel that it is long past due for me to start in on this. I feel as if the first chapter was so complete that I am curious as to what the rest of the story is about. It will be difficult to address everything I like about this chapter but I will try.

The exposition and theme around silence gave this chapter a wonderful tone and thoughtfulness that I'd expect from Dumbledore. I thought it very fitting that Dumbledore would use the pensieve to keep his private, treasured memories as well as those of great importance to the rest of the world.

I appreciate that you started with Gellert and Albus already together - and I'm guessing that this will either go through the fallout of their relationship or go back and start from its beginning. Their intimacy is delightful. I love that you managed it with such tenderness and discretion. Even in their tender moments, I can sense a bit of a power play between them (not wanting to ask him to stay but not wanting him to leave).

This might be my favorite Ariana death scene that I've read. Albus' response in the moment certainly seemed to anchor his guilt in later years. I liked his concern for Gellert and almost disregard for Aberforth (I'm pretty sure he was barely mentione in the last section). One thing that also stood out to me here is Albus' need to see the best in people - wanting to think Gellert agonized over Ariana's death.

You have a brilliant opening chapter and I will jump into more of this later!

-Rose

Author's Response: Hey Rose! :) Thank you so much for stopping by! :)

Thank you so so much! :) Yeah, it's strange because the first two chapters, especially this one, sort of go through an entire relationship, almost - the two months - so they sort of are pretty complete, in their own way? So yeah, I totally get that! :)

Thank you! I really like having themes for chapters, tbh, as they help me to focus on things (I'm so bad otherwise...) so I'm so glad you liked that - yeah, I always kinda assumed those memories would be in there; too precious and too painful, and also too secret, almost, in their own way.

Yeah, it's going to go on forwards, though there will inevitably be glimpses of that summer and what happened, so it sort of does both, in a way? But I always wanted to explore more what happened afterwards, since to me that was always more interesting :) I'm so happy you like their relationship - I really wanted to make it seem so real, if a little tense, and yeah, there is a sense of power between them, definitely!

Haha, thank you? :P But seriously, thank you! I quite like writing death scenes (coz that's not weird at all... :P) and hers was fun, if difficult to write. I really wanted to give Albus reason to feel guilty, but equally less reason than perhaps he takes on himself, if that makes sense. And yeah, he really wants to think it mattered to Gellert - a side-effect of still caring, I think.

Thank you so so much for the amazing review - it was so so lovely to get; I'm so glad you liked the chapter! :)

Aph xx


 Report Review

Review #17, by toomanycurlsA Weasley Vacation: Meet the Weasley's!

15th July 2015:
Hi!!

So, I know you're looking for feedback on your later chapters but I'm a start from the beginning person. I plan to work through your story over the next week or so to give you feedback on each chapter. A few things I'll get out of the way: I tend to be straightforward but polite and if you have questions on a bit of feedback you can PM me on the forums. I focus on plot more than grammar but I can point out grammar things that stick out to me. Don't be discouraged if there's a lot of feedback - you said you were asking for constructive feedback so this is more focsed on that than I usually am.

Plot and characterization:
I found this to be a very good opening chapter for a novel. You did a good job introducing the cousins with clear personalities and managed to give them unique voices. Hugo definitely stands out as the narrator and his commentary on their family and the upcoming trip is fascinating. Hugo's descriptions of the Scamanders and Longbottoms gave me a good sense of how well he knew and liked each of the families.

The only plot item you could add to this is a better sense of place. You state at the beginning that they're at the Burrow and that it's raining but I wasn't sure if they were all inside/outside, seated/standing, etc. It's not a huge thing but with as much dialogue and narration as there is, having a defined place certainly helps add another dimensionfo the reader.

You paced this all out well where it didn't just read like a roll call of next gen kids and kept it at a reasonable lenght (which is important for a first chapter).

A few grammar things stood out to me - I usually wouldn't comment on these things (and most of them would have gone unnoticed if I weren't looking) but I've included the for thoroughness.

Pluralizing a surname does not require an apostrophe -- Weasley's should be Weasleys. You'd use Weasley's if you were referring to the family as a single unit and providing a possessive modifier to their name.

This sentence kind of tripped me up but I added a suggested edit in brackets that makes your meaning clearer. "I've kinda grown into thinking sarcastically because my sister[, who] probably invented the word."

forth and fith should be fourth and fifth
wich says a lot should be which says a lot. Wich is an old English word that doesn't really hold meaning any more. Which is used to differentiate between two things.

O shut up should be Oh should up. It's pronouned the same either way but it's written with the h so people know it's not ooh (a soft vowel).

Where they're talking about Arthur paying for the trip, I think a better phrasing would be poop for money (with the swear word you have in the chapter instead of poop).

I heared James should be I heard James

If you have any questions on my comments, please feel free to shoot me a PM!

-Rose

Author's Response: Thanks again for your review!
I already responded to this review, and I don't have the original anymore, so I hope you don't mind this short response. Still, thanks a bunch for your very helpful review!

Alec


 Report Review

Review #18, by toomanycurlsMy Brother: The Stages of Grief

11th July 2015:
I was so close to not crying when I read this until a song came on Pandora that we played at my mom's funeral and I lost it. So, congrats.

Colin's death always upsets me because he was so young and not very highly appreciated in the books before his death. One thing that stood out to me in this is Dennis' characterization - in the few stories I've read that include him (at any age), he's pretty much a mini-Colin. I love the contrasts you have between them.

Each stage of grief felt so real and raw for me. His anger at Colin for going back was very fitting as was his own guilt for not being able to talk him out of returning/staying. I loved Dennis going into Colin's room for the first time. I don't know why it touched me so much but I felt like it was a true turning point for him. Dennis returning to school in the fall was a perfect ending to this - he's at such a different place and I think that being around other people who have buried loved ones will do further good for him.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm so happy that you liked the story! I really wanted Dennis to be different from Colin, and I really wanted Colin's death to have affected him in a powerful way. I'm sorry I made you cry, and I'm sorry about your mom! This story, I think, needs some updating. When I wrote it, I'd never had someone close to me die, but I recently suffered a loss, and I think it would be good for me to channel some of those emotions into writing. But I'm glad that you liked how it is right now! Your compliments mean so much to me! Thank you again!

Emily


 Report Review

Review #19, by toomanycurlsMoment of Clarity: In These Walls

10th July 2015:
I looked at this previoulsy for BvB (which is how I remembered it for the SotM quote nomination) and it broke my heart. I just didn't have time then to review so I had to pass on that chance.

Alice post-attack stories *always* get to me. Yours did even moreso because it's wonderfully written. There are a few things I love in general, such as the disconnected flow of thoughts which fits very well for a mentally unstable person, the way that color stood out to Alice in her perception of people and thinks around her (another fitting move for her), and the confusion of Frank, Neville, and the baby (okay, I mildly hate you for that).

I think my first heartbreak in this was Alice working through the danger they were in at the end of the first war and that something had happened to them. the whole realization that she had gone through an ordeal (and knowing she's likely had this realization multiple times before) just kills me a little.

Her recognition of Augusta is also painful. The fact taht she recognizes her mother in law but also realizes she's older is sad (I'm out of fancy words right now, I guess). Then her mistaking Neville for Frank and the baby for Neville just kills me (it's worst the first time). It's also just so horribly sad that she feel relief at knowing Neville is safe when that's a 20+ year ago concern. :( :( I was hit so hard when she connected that the man is Neville and not Frank. There aren't enough sad faces for that.

And now I'm legit crying because the moment of recognition must have meant so much for everyone there and to have it be just a momentary lapse (if you will) makes me want to curl up into a sad, sad ball.

I loved the way this hurt me.

-Rose

Author's Response: Heya Rose!

Sorry I'm slow at responding to this! I've been a professional slacker all month and keep putting off doing things...but now I'm going through unanswered reviews, so it's all good! :D

And again, sorry! I know I'm completely and utterly cruel for what I did here, and there's definately grounds to hate me just a little bit for it. Because having Alice have these lapses into reality, and recognizing time has passed and that Neville is safe and grown up...well, it is really heartbreaking. It killed me to write it and I'm just so happy I was able to get the right emotions across and get readers to really feel for Alice, and Neville and just everyone in the situation. Because it really is a hard situation for everyone to deal with, even though it is so great to have something, even if it is just momentary.

I'm so very glad you enjoyed this, and nominated a quote for SotM (Thank you so much for that, by the way! Was totally shocked to see it menioned in the nominations thread!)! I also thank you so much for leaving such a lovely review! I was so happy that you felt so hurt (not in, you know, a bad way, but like, it was the point of writing, to get people to feel things and I'm really sorry, but it's what the intention was...) and felt so much for these characters.

Thanks again!
Mikaela


 Report Review

Review #20, by toomanycurlsSweetheart Tom: Little Red Riding Hood

10th July 2015:
Aph!!

I remember you mentioning this in the shout and I'm so excited it's up! Fleur is such a great person for Little Red Riding Hood and (I feel kind of dense for this now but) I was happily surprised to see Bill's roll in this. I like how the story book-ends with the wolf (at least I'm rather sure it's the wolf...) and has Fleur's perspective in between.

It would have been better to have lions instead of foxes, then it could be an analogy for non-Claw houses. :P Although, lions in the forest wouldn't make sense. You do a great job making the forest at night seeming creepy and showing Fleur's reaction to the uncertain dangers.

Wow - Fleur packs a punch. I love her ring of fire (minus the part that reminds me of the shout last night *shudder*) and her magical ability. I also love that the plea for luck was directed at her - not that she was asking the world for help. Dunno, it makes her distinctly not a damsel in distress.

Bill sounds hawt. I said it. I also waggled my eyebrows. Snuffles? IS SIRIUS BILL'S PET DOG?!?!

The interaction between Bill and Fleur is great. She's not needy and he's not instantly wooed like an idiot. I was surprised that Fleur didn't think of magical animals/non-humans to be concerned with.

I need ot know who the wolf is. Desperate need here, lady.

Great chapter and you better have more soon (or else...)

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose! :) Thank you so much for dropping by! I'm so glad you're excited for this - it's something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I'm so so happy I finally got a chance to write it! :D

Thank you so much! :) I tried to give characters roles which suited them, though were perhaps not exactly entirely expected? (To say the least... :P) And yeah, it is the wolf - though the wolf and someone else at the end ;)

Haha, yeah, it would have! Well, foxes are red, at least? :P (I did actually realise it when I wrote it, thought about changing it, but left it as it was...) Thank you! I do love writing creepy settings and nature, though I've never done them together before, so this was so much fun for me to write - I'm just glad you liked it too! :)

Thank you! :) I love writing Fleur - she's one of those characters I think is hugely underappreciated in fic, and I especially love writing her being a little bit boss :P She's really not a damsel in canon, so I really wanted to avoid her being one in this - so yeah, Fleur-in-control-and-not-needing-any-help :P

Haha, he does :P It is from Fleur's pov, though, and she thinks he's hot ;) Snuffles... um... hehe, there's some backstory there, haha. Next chapter? Maybe? :P

Thank you! I really love writing them interacting, haha - I really like that kind of first impressions sort of thing, where it's not quite so clear cut as like either one of them is desperately in love at first sight or anything... I've always thought they as a couple would have great chemistry so it was so much fun to write! :)

The wolf - you will find out, I promise! (I hope... I'm planning on it, at any rate...)

Thank you so so much for the wonderful review - I'm really just so so glad you like this since I was pretty nervous about it since AU is not something I've ever done before. And yes, new chapters hopefully soon! *hides* :P Thank you so much again! :)

Aph xx


 Report Review

Review #21, by toomanycurls(Parenthetical) Asides: Unattainable

5th July 2015:
Hello Mallory!!

I'm here for the BvB and absolutely love this story!! I don't think I've read one iwth the parenthical counter-narration going on and it's just brilliant. Your portrayal of Lily and James is pretty close to how I see them starting off. James with the arrogant conquest of a beauty he only knew from a distance (though I like to believe in canon he actually got to know her and cherish her personality and listen to her). I love your version of Lily in this - she's so - gah, I can't think of the right word... blunt/not into the whole scene in front of her... kind of like me???

I really feel for her with the regret of saying yes. Once I got more comfortable standing by the word no, people who push for a yes really bother me. I think Lily's experience with being pushed into saying yes for a date (or anything from a guy) is so relatable. You do a great job making James not just sound like an arrogant jerk - I mean, he is but he's also blind to how he manipulates Lily and sees his actions from a place of privledge.

This line hit me really hard "You caged my spirit and took away my voice. I could not even think of marriage to anyone, especially not you." because I feel it's so true of many relationships with someone like James.

The cynical side of me is surprised that James stopped at a kiss before realizing Lily wasn't interested and backing off. Though, I'm sure the site rules and your own comfort levels played into that. After your author note about Lily, it does become clear that she is either not sexually motiviated in general or not attracted to men when she says she is not attracted to his kind.

Now we hit the part where James makes me cringe a lot and Lily really shines as a strong person. I just want to shake him and tell him to get over it. gah.

My favorite part hands down is Marlene and Lily. It's also the section where I hate James the most - his objectification of Lily here and not understanding why she would seek out anyone else, much less another woman, just ires me to no end.

I'm glad she changed schools but it's also upsetting that she had to - and that the school couldn't help her out.

Wonderful story! I love the theme and way you represented Lily and James.

-Rose

Author's Response: Rose!! ♥ Thanks for such a lovely and detailed review!

I don't think I've ever seen a story written like this before (although I'm sure they exist!), which is why I was worried about the point getting across. However, it ended up working out alright, I think, and I'm so glad that you liked the way I characterized Lily and James!

For this AU, I focused a lot on the fanon aspect of James Potter. In fanon, he's made out to be a persistent, almost stalker-ish guy, and I really hate that. To me, that isn't romance--that's not knowing how to understand the word "no." I mean, I think he started out kind of like this in canon, but he changed. He grew up. And this AU James didn't. Lily is awesome, and the reason I liked writing this version of her is because she takes after me a little bit. I'm not exactly into the frat party scene, and I would rather be left alone than stalked (wouldn't everyone prefer that, though??). But yeah, she's very much removed from that life, and James is in the thick of it--one of the many reasons why it was a bad idea for them to go on a date in this universe.

The word "no" is really important to me. Like, if sales associates who ask you if you want to open a credit card at their store understand it, why can't people who want to go on dates with other people understand it as well? And although I wrote James as the one who doesn't understand the word no, I know that it could go both ways--some girls also have a tendency to behave that way too. But for this one, since James came from money in canon, I used the whole "not understanding no" thing to parallel with his wealth and status. He's definitely above Lily in social class here--he's a frat legacy, she's there on scholarship that she'll lose if her grades drop. And you're right, he's so blind to that distinction, which makes his persistence even more disgusting.

The thing about that line is, it could've been so much worse if the context had been worse. I'm so afraid to write things that push the ToS to their limits, which is why James wasn't after a hookup or anything. But even pushing for dates is bad, and the way he behaved on those dates was enough to make Lily feel trapped and uncomfortable. So I'm glad that the line stood out to you for that!

If I were more comfortable with pushing the boundaries of the ToS, James would try a lot more than just a kiss. Alas, you're write--I am neither comfortable writing about it on a personal level nor am I okay with possibly writing something that earns me a slap on the wrist. :O

James really needs to get over it and stop harassing people. I'm sure that he's done this in the past (in this universe), and he's not going to experience any repercussions from it, unfortunately. Re: that the school couldn't help Lily out: You see that a lot on college campuses, especially in the Southern US. I mean, there is so much stuff that goes on right under the university's nose, and they just ignore it! (I'm talking about my university in particular, but I'm sure others do the same.) People don't even report the stuff that goes on because it'll just be ignored. That's the problem that I was sort of hinting at in this story, and again, if I were more comfortable writing about things of that nature, this story might've been a lot more damaging for Lily.

Marlene/Lily is my favorite part, too! ♥ It just made me happy to write her a happy ending, even though she'd gone through that mess with James. James is really, really at his worst here--when I was writing all those things about Marlene that he said, I just wanted to punch him in the face repeatedly. Blech, he's awful, but Marlily is just so perfect. I think I want a story about them without James to cause problems, actually. :P

Thanks again for your review!

♥Mallory


 Report Review

Review #22, by toomanycurlsFounders Four: Pillars of the Ages: Chapter Two: Every Beginning is an End

3rd July 2015:
Hello!!

I found Godric and Ingvar's exchange really interesting. First of all - it was weird timing that Godric would avoid bringing up the reason for his visit and Ingvar waited the same amount of time to ask about his visit. Even before they brought up the purpose of Godric's visit, their discussion was very interesting. You do a great job bringing in the mentor/student vibe between them. With their conversation focusing on Marcus, I'll be interested to see how he plays into the story.

I can't remember if you talked about Godric's reason for seeking out Ingvar for help but I'm now desperately curious to know what it is that has him going around to garner help/support.

Ingvar's reflecton and hte revelation that his wife is pregnant gives such a needed depth to his reactions and character. Each character in this story has a nice complexity to them which makes me eager to keep reading.

Seeing Salazar speak to (or at least understand) the snake was very cool. I enjoyed the moment between mother and son but am worried that he snake bite will turn into something worse.

dude! Did muggles just attack them!??! O.O when are you writing more?

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #23, by toomanycurlsHigh Romance: Prologue

3rd July 2015:
Hello my dear!!

I'm here for the BVB. I think this is the type of romance I could really get into and I don't know why. There's something about the style you've written this in that makes me want more. You include such beautiful detail in the narrative that gives a rich sense of place and hints at the interesting relationship in this story.

This reminds me of a book I read in college - it was a Pulitzer prize winning book (the title and author escape me now) but it also felt like an instant classic when I started to read it. I really hope you post more of this soon - is it your JulNo story by chance? I'm not a huge ScoRose fan but I get the feeling this will transcend a typical ScoRose story.

-Rose

 Report Review

Review #24, by toomanycurlsTo Prevent An Unfortunate Series of Events : I would if I could, but I can't.

9th June 2015:
Hello dahling!

I've had your chapter open all day but I was distracted by this and that and I'm just now finally leaving you a review.

Good job Hermion on turning in her v-card. It's sad that she can't help but think about having to leave Sirius one day but the cynic in me knows most first relationships aren't really meant to last forever so... yeah.

Oh boy, meeting a young Vernon had to be *fun* - like Argus Filch levels of fun. I do like Hermione's gift with their patronuses on a necklace but Hermione's ability to accidentially hint that she's from the future is kind of hilarious. Wait, does "made it happen" mean have sex? I'm using that from now. Oh boy, I think this is cynic Rose reviewing tonight - I just want to shake Hermione and Lily for going on about meeting the one.

Hermione totally ships James/Sirius.

When Hermione thinks the Potters know how to have a good time, I interpretted that as she thinks they're lush. Mainly because I use that as a coded way to call people drunks (or excessive partiers). But I'm a judger.

haha, they thought it would be a good idea to send the lovebirds off together for hide and go make out? I'm really intrigued by their conversation and Sirius' instant realization that one of his friends (or he) got James and Lily killed. I wonder if he is suspcious of Remus because he used his surname when he realized it would have to be "Lupin or Peter." It's really unfair of him to expect her to just tell him that - especially when they're all shut in together.

Or, wait, I just noticed your'e calling Remus by his last name in this section of the chapter. Are you going for variety or something else?

It's fascinating that Dorea and Charlus know about them being animagi and are cool iwth it. I can't think of an exact non-magic equivilant but they're very, very lax about any sort of rules.

I really like the talk between Lily and Hermione - saying she's been all wrapped up in Sirius. People can go a bit overboard with new relationships (and probably more so because they know there's a time limit on their relationship).

I think an eyeroll and "boys" sums up their reappearance from outside. It is hilarious that James wanted Lily to ride on his back (and that she complied).

okay okay okay - I know I'm skipping over a bit to jump to this but WHAT IS THAT?! HOW DID HE GUESS? JUST A 50/50 THING?! anyway, great chapter!
-Rose

 Report Review

Review #25, by toomanycurlsThe Legend's Obsession: in a little while surely you'll be mine

5th June 2015:
Hello my dear!

I quite love all the muggle au stories going around. At first I was kind of meh about these stories (as a genre) but they've really grown on me. I particularly enjoy the way you write yours wtih the whole movie star/normal person dynamic. Romilda does seem like your average working girl - too poor to buy a new hair dryer, not able to work a glam job because she didn't go to college, and hoping for a fancier life.

You definitely give a good idea as to who Romilda is and what she's like. I can definitely relate to her morning routine (minus the bus part). Her conversation with Pavarti made me laugh a little. I guess most people do have their romantic life a bit in order by 29 but plenty of people don't. It's nice that she can share her interest in the contest with Pavarti and not go all "deep, dark secret" about it like I would. erm... anyway. It's definitely not a good idea to start off with how much she loves him (save that for their in person meeting).

It'll be interesting to see where this goes from here. Hopefully the two weeks goes by fast (and she wins - though, I assume she does).

-Rose

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>