Reading Reviews From Member: Breakaway615
352 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Eight - Severus

2nd March 2008:

Intense chapter... That's all I have to say. Well, no, it's not.

I probably sound like a sick fool, or something, but I totally loved reading this chapter... It was so intense.

I wish I had more to say. I don't, though, which is really weird. It was just so intense!


Author's Response: It's really funny that you said "intense" so much cause some other reviewers have said the same thing :) Thinking back it really is, cause once the emotional action gets going, I really don't give it a rest until the end... It is pretty weird that you didn't have more to say! Hehee, I don't mind :) Just makes me think that perhaps I left you at a loss for words XD Hopefully the next chapter will be validated in a day or two. Hope you like it! Thanks for the review!

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Review #2, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Seven - Avrille

19th February 2008:
I think I ran out of languages… I said something about German, didn’t I? I can’t spell it, even though I know it. It’s, like, Guten tag, or something. That’s “good day,” I believe…

Anyways, I apologize that I don’t have enough time to review both chapters that you updated with. You can’t imagine (actually, you probably can) how busy I’ve been. I believe I am 99.9% done with fanfiction. For, like, ever. Your fanfiction is the only thing I’m reading right now, and probably the last (unless you write a sequel!). I’m pretty sure I’ll have to abandon everything I’m doing now… I just… don’t like fanfiction anymore. I don’t know why. I’m so busy with my originals (which are going quite nicely right now; I’m revising my revision!) that I have zero time for anything else.

Anyways, you didn’t write this to hear me rant about fanfiction! I apologize for that… it was supposed to be, like, a two-sentence apology for not reviewing both new chapters…

I’m combining both into one, anyway.

“Bloody Lockhart had to go and thank the students who sent him valentines already! What an egotistical, narcissistic prick! I’ve always hated God-damned Valentine’s Day!”

I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY MORE! At least you have a man that loves you, Avrille! At least the guy you like knows you exist!

Sorry. Again.

Oh my gosh, the first chapter was SO long! I loved it so much! It was amazing. I loved all of the memories—they were so well done. Wow. I loved the last sentence, too.

Onto chapter twenty-seven: I’m so proud of Avrille for being able to do magic!

Aww, poor Draco feeling sad that his parents weren’t going to go. But he was egotistical enough to try to cover up his sadness rather than let his true feelings show…

Whoa, she can Apparate!

Aww, the choker sounded so beautiful! And the last line, again! Holy moly, I love your last sentences…

Once again, I apologize for the pitiful review… I wish I had more time. Still, I really enjoyed reading it again, and I hope that you’ll update soon! Hopefully I can review right away!

Great job!

Author's Response: Don't feel bad about your little rant :D I totally understand! I swore that I would be done with fan fiction, but I am so feeling the sequel bug lately. So if I can ever find time, I'm probably going to do it. At the very least, just for me cause I really enjoy writing about Severus and Avrille and I have SO many cool ideas for new scenes!

Yay! I'm glad you like the last sentences so much...I tried hard to make them memorable, I guess. That last line of Avrille's in chapter 27 I actually got from Sailor Moon XD

Thanks for taking the time to review because I KNOW how hard it is to find time! There's one story I'm trying to get through for an online friend and I seriously don't have time to do more than 1-2 reviews a week. I feel awful, but there's just so much stuff I have to do everyday! So thanks again, and I hope the next chapter goes through quickly cause I know you're going to love it ;)

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Review #3, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Five - Avrille

13th February 2008:

I'm running out of languages, here. I know German... kind of. Well, I know, like, two words. Maybe I'll use that, next time, though.

'“Yes, I’m a Muggle-born so it is actually safer out here,” Nan added, sitting back on the ice on her scarf which she had folded up. “All of the attacks happened in the school. No one who’s been petrified was feeding grindylows, so the odds are with us.”'

That was pretty cool of them to notice that, actually. I mean, it is pretty logical once you actually know what the monster is and how it travels around, but they don't yet. So, that was intense.

Nan bothers me, though, just because she seems so young. I like little kids and all, but asking about Severus was kind of annoying...

'“Our daughters wouldn’t be,” Severus replied simply and rose from the couch to go back to his desk. I sat there and it took a moment for what he said to sink in. I couldn’t tell if he had said that on purpose or it had been a slip of the tongue.'

Before I even read the rest of the paragraph, I was like, "Our daughters?" Well... at least we know what he's think now... it's apparently on his mind. Which is scary.

"That would be the mental equivalent of rape."

Whoa, it totally is! That is so strange... And kind of freaky. Really freaky...

Anyway, I loved this update! This keeps on getting better and better every single update. It's getting too happy, though. I know something bad will happen soon. Darn.

Great job! I can't wait for the next update! Yay!

Author's Response: Hahahaha...yeah, Nan's weird! She is *very* loosely based off of my little sister (who is actually scarily intelligent!) and I wanted to give her a little cameo. There is more to Nan, though, than meets the eye. She is pretty gullible and childish, but I think that will contrast nice with her character if I write a sequel. *sigh* We'll see...I really want to but I don't know when I'll find the time!

Yeah, Severus is ready to settle down and have like 5 kids with Avrille. It's scary, but kind of cute I think :) He was an only child and had a horrible childhood, so I think he wants to have a large family. But, of course, there is that pesky little curse in the way...

'It's getting too happy, though. I know something bad will happen soon. Darn."'re pretty observant :) Well, yeah, you're right. But, like the flu, sometimes things have to get a lot worse before they can get better. You'll see ;) Thank you for the wonderful long review!

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Review #4, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Four - Severus

8th February 2008:

'“What are you talking about, Goyle? Your shoes are in your hand!” I snapped. Goyle looked down and seemed genuinely surprised to see the shoes there after all. Crabbe seemed about to fall over and was barely able to keep his eyes open. It appeared that the two of them were somehow filled with a different kind of Christmas spirit and were stone drunk.'

Haha, that's so funny. That was hilarious. I could totally picture that happening, too.

'She grabbed both of my hands with hers and squeezed them tightly, her nails digging into my knuckles. Then she said in a softer tone, “I wouldn’t care if you told me that you were actually the Dark Lord himself. Nothing you could ever say could make me stop loving you.” Avrille finally dropped her eyes from mine and looked down at our entwined fingers.'

That was an "AWW" moment, I believe. It was so adorable! It reminds me of all of those chick flicky moments when the girl finds out he smokes, or something like that... Actually, I've never seen one like that. But still. It was an "AWW" moment.

"Avrille placed her hands on either side of my face, lacing her fingers through my hair, and pulled me to her lips. I almost wish she hadn’t. Every time she kissed me made it so much harder to say goodbye, even if it was only for a day."

Aww! Again!

This was such an adorable chapter. It's so nice when you don't do mean things to us. This was such a lovely chapter... Avrille is so kind. I mean, I would have expected her to be alright with his past if she really loved him, but you've been mean before...

Anyways, I can't wait for the update! I think I was the first to review this chapter! Yay!

Author's Response: Aw...I'm not mean ALL of the time! Mwa ha ha...I am pretty mean though, aren't I? I liked that part a lot with Goyle and his shoes...that just seemed like what would have happened once he and Crabbe woke up in the broom closet. And of course Avrille would understand Severus' past mistakes :D If she had lived a really sheltered life, then she might have had problems with it, but since she had a lot of bad stuff happen to her before she understands that issues aren't always black and white. I never really did it intentionally, but Avrille sort of ended up having a past where she had no close friends at all. Severus had Lily, for a while, but Avrille had no one so I think she would latch onto Severus pretty quickly and pretty much forgive anything he did :)

Thank you for reviewing, and your multi-lingual greetings are always a nice surprise :D See you later!

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Review #5, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Three - Avrille

6th February 2008:

Aww, the last line was so sad! It made me feel bad for eating earlier, actually. Oh well, I like food. Even though they're sad, I think food is a great way to fight away pain! Just not overexcessively.

Severus and his rules. I would hate to, like, love in the shadows like that. No one would ever know, and I would totally want to flaunt it! Especially Severus and his awesomeness! She isn't technically a teacher nor a student...

"Inside were two stunningly gorgeous hair combs exquisitely carved from red-lacquered wood. Their delicate scalloped edges were detailed with cherry blossoms made of inlaid mother-of-pearl and gold. They were so beautiful that I couldn’t speak for a moment."

The combs sounded so lovely! I want them!

Wait, should I know why Fred and George are acting so strangely? I haven't read Chamber of Secrets in so long... I can only remember the basic plot line, and that's mainly because I watch the movie so often... Hmm... well, I suppose I'll just wait and see. Since I can't remember anything.

I feel as though my reviews have gotten exceedingly shorter... That makes me sad. It probably makes you sad, so I apologize for that. Stupid school/writing-my-outline-thing/sports/boys...

Anyways, I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm so excited. You know, technically I could go read the rest of this right now on Fiction Alley, but I don't think that's as fun. :D

Author's Response: "Oh well, I like food" --Me too! It would be hard to be at a Hogwarts Christmas feast and not eat, but I guess they had very good reasons. Personally I tend to sleep when I'm depressed as opposed to eat, but that's just me :D

Ah yes, Severus and his rules. But he wouldn't be Severus *without* the rules! They do need to keep it quiet, though, for all the reasons Severus already thought about. I bet he really wants people to know, though. He'd be all like, "Yeah. Look who *I* get to come home to! In your face, Lockhart!"

About Fred and George, it isn't something that actually *happens* in that book. I'll give you a hint by saying: Remember that this book comes before Prisoner of Azkaban. What's a large part of PoA that has to do with the twins? :D If you're still stuck, PM me and I'll tell you since it's never really explained. I just wanted to see if anyone could figure it out! XD

And your reviews still seem awesomely long to me!! Don't worry about it, I'm just so excited when I see that I have one! I have barely any time to review lately. Stupid work/work/work/sleep/work!

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Review #6, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-Two - Severus

2nd February 2008:
Buenos dias/tardes/noches!

Ooh, scandel. That was seriously the first thing I thought when Avrille came down to his room. I was like, man, that girl is intense. But I felt a little better when she said she couldn't sleep. Except then she was like, "You can sleep in the bed, too," and I was like, there she goes again! Avrille, Avrille, Avrille. Tsk, tsk.

'“Um…around a hundred and twenty pounds, give or take a couple,” Avrille replied.'

I now officially hate Avrille. I wish I weighed that much. I mean, I'm not overweight, I just weigh more than her. I would love to exclaim to the world my weight if that were it. A hundred and twenty pounds... Lucky.

Oh, but still, this was a beautiful chapter. I love Severus... He is such a caring individual...

I wish I had more to say... I'm too brain dead right now, though, which is unfortunate. I've been working on my outline for my original, and I'm way too dead now. Darn.

Oh well. I thought thatchapter rocked! I can still read! I know it did. Excellent job! I can't wait for more... bwah ha ha, I'm so excited!

Author's Response: Mwa ha ha...I know! Absolutely scandalous! Well, Avrille's in her mid-20's and she knows what she wants at least :D She doesn't have that whole British reserve problem.

Yeah...I was wondering if someone was going to mention her weight...I just kind of wrote down what I weigh (sorry! I used to be a dancer! I can't help it!!!) but I always pictured Avrille being pretty short, like 5'1" at the max, so she'd still be a little curvy.

I'm so excited that you have an idea for an ORIGINAL novel! That is really cool! Someday I'll get back to my work, but I still have Avrille hammering in my head saying she hasn't had enough "screen time" yet. So I'll probably write a sequel. I don't know when I'm going to find the time...but...sigh. Thanks for reviewing!!! *heart*

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Review #7, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty-One - Avrille

2nd February 2008:
Howdy! I'm sorry that I haven't been reviewing. I've been so ridiculously busy--not to mention that I had this amazing epiphany of sorts... I swear, I think it's the best idea for an original romance novel I have ever had. But besides that, I really have been busy. And then there's boys/crushes, and friends, and all this other stuff. So, I apologize.

But... YAY! I think this chapter was the best one yet. Well, I'm mostly saying that because they finally kissed (THANK GOODNESS! FINALLY!) but it was a really great chapter otherwise!

The snowball fight/Shrieking Shack thing was so cute! I thought that was amazing, and... I'm just in fanfiction heaven right now. I've been bored reading fanfictions, and now I'm so excited! YAY!

I'm too excited to leave a long review--I apologize, once again. I have to get to the next chapter NOW! Yay! Yay for Severus/Avrille! And I'm sure you're not done torturing everyone... What about Severus' father and that curse thing? Yeah, you lied. You'll just torture us more later.

But YAY!

Author's Response: Oh man, don't worry about it!! I'm way too busy to read anyone else's fan fics...I think I just have to close my review thread and offer my apologies to people. JLHufflepuff and I started a forum for older HP writers, so I've been busy with that too :)

Anyhoo...I'm glad you liked it! That chapter is pretty darn cute...but not too cute I hope! I just wanted something light-hearted for a change because a lot of the story is pretty dark and depressing (all those petrified kids...waah!)

And of course I'm not done torturing you! If you didn't have anything to look forward to or have questions that needed answering, you wouldn't keep reading!

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Review #8, by Breakaway615The Virgin Count: A Little Fun

2nd February 2008:
Hello! I am SO, SO, SO, SO sorry that I have taken so long to get to this, and I'm even more sorry that I could only review this chapter. I have had no free time at all, but I knew I had to get to this. I'm sorry, really. I'll try to leave the best review possible.

First of all, you said that you wanted help with the grammar, and I would be glad to help. You have a few fragmented sentences, but I think that's okay since most of them are when people are talking. No one talks in complete sentences anymore...

Also, I would like to point out some information about commas. Commas are needed in front of interjection-like words. For example, (hey, that's kind of an example! And the hey!) you said somewhere, "Oh I know..." (or something like that). It should be more like, "Oh, I know..." You need commas when you are connecting two independent clause, as well. For example, you do not need a comma here: "I was sitting here talking and fell off my chair." However, you need one here: "I was sitting here talking, and I fell off my chair." Yeah. That's my lesson for today. I hope that helped!

I didn't really see any other grammatical things other than the commas, which rocks! Yay!

Secondly, I would like to comment on the fanfiction on the whole. I think your idea is really cute. The first chapter was hilarious, and the second chapter was interesting. I thought it was especially funny about the "twins" thing.

The third chapter was funny, as well. I especially like the last line (well, the note that Hermione wrote back). If I was Harry, I would be so scared. The note would seem a little sketchy to me, if I was Harry. :D

Anyways, I'm really sorry that I took so long and only had time to review this chapter. But I really do like this fanfiction; it's creative and funny. It's nice. Great job!

Author's Response: Its okay, I'm sorry its taken me so long to respond to this! Its fine that you only review one! I'm not going to demand more of you or anything!

THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THE GRAMMAR HELP!!!! My commas appreciate it verrrrrrry much! ^_^

And thanks for the praise aswell, its nice to get compliments ;P

Thankyou SO MUCH for reading and reviewing!

Lv Wizardora

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Review #9, by Breakaway615The Language Barrier: The Letter and the Meeting

28th January 2008:
Hello! I apologize for the long wait on the review, but I have been very busy as of late (exams, sports, other random activities). I'm sorry about that. Anyways, onto this.

I thought the letter was too... casual. I don't really know that man very well, but i would think a letter of that importance would be more formal... There was also a spot where there should have been a semi-colon instead of a comma, but that isn't a problem.

"Does that letter say anything about the girl that'll be coming in your place?"

Haha, I thought that was really funny. It's totally something that Ron--no, any boy--would say. I could totally picture it. :D

“We thought you was dying. The way you sounded.”

There is a grammatical error in that sentence, and I'm not really fond of that period. I think it should be more like this:

"We thought you were dying, the way you sounded."

I liked the end when we were introduced to Avril! I like that name, too.

I wish this review could have been longer, but my time has been cut short once again! I apologize for that. Still, I thought it was a nice start to what I expect to be a nice fanfiction! Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm trying to get a beta, so hopefully those errors will be gone. I thought it would be best for Ron to say that, since it was a touching moment and he "has the emotional range of a teaspoon."

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Review #10, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Twenty - Severus

25th January 2008:
Howdy there!

Ah, I'm glad that he gave a good report instead of lying and saying bad things about her just because he didn't want to be obvious about his feelings. Wow. That seemed like a really long sentence. Anyways, yeah, I'm happy about that. Yay for Avrille! And Severus is such a nice man...

"Severus, I appreciate every single day of work you have done these past few months. I am not so selfish as to impede your duty. Go home. The school will be fine for one night."

I thought that was so Dumbledore-ish! Especially the "go home" part! I just thought that was so cute and exciting! Dumbledore is so caring! I love that man--although, I have to admit--I was kind of scared of his character in Deathly Hallows... even though he technically wasn't there, I was so freaked by him. But you made me excited again!

The whole scene with his father was so brilliant! I mean, it was really awful--his father seemed so cruel and evil. I really liked that whole part though. And the last line was so sad... Poor dude. Anyways, I hate Severus' father. What a sad, pathetic man...

I loved this chapter a lot! I can't wait for the next chapter so we can see what Severus wrote--since, hopefully, we'll find out from Avrille!

Yay! Great chapter! I cannot wait for the next one!

Author's Response: Hey! Haha, I just got your fish names...I'll have to think about it, though I think Rex is funny. It's like Avrille was too young to realize that should be a dog's name!

Dumbledore also kind of freaked me out in DH...just the whole way that he was setting Harry up to be killed! I guess I just wanted a bit more of "nice Dumbledore" in this :D I really really love the conversation that he and Severus have at the end of the fic...but you'll see!

And, yes, you'll find out what Severus wrote in the next chapter. Oooh I love this one coming up! I can't wait until it's validated! I know you're going to like it XD

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Review #11, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Nineteen - Avrille

24th January 2008:

Wow, that WAS a short chapter. Not too short--I've read shorter, you know. But it was still a good chapter! I liked it a lot!

The fish thing was really sad. Poor Avrille and fish... I didn't know dogs ate fish... I would have taken the offer for another fish though... even if I had supposedly killed it. But still, poor Avrille.

Hey, no, don't suck it up for another six months! What does she think she's doing? Stupid work... it always seems to get in the way of everything. Not that I'd know. It just seems that way on all the t.v. shows and stuff...

Great chapter, even if it was a little short! Poor Avrille's fish... :(

Author's Response: Aw, I know! Now I feel really really bad about the fish...I never even gave it a name! We should name the poor dead should owl me with a good idea :D I don't know if dogs eat fish either...I just kind of assumed that if dogs eat out of the cats' litter boxes then a fish isn't THAT weird...

Okies, I'm going to go finish up YOUR reviews now! I just finished watching OotP so I'm all Harry Potter hyped-up! Yay for smexy Snape scenes!

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Review #12, by Breakaway615Regret: Regret

21st January 2008:

I liked the beginning a lot. I thought the fight was perfect.

"I didn’t know, then, he spend every last cent he had to buy us a room at the Hog’s Head. I found that out later. After he left. But that’s usually how stories work, don’t they?"

Too true you are. Not that I would know or anything, but that always does seem like the case. I liked that paragraph. It seemed very realistic, so... yeah... It was nice!

"I was angry with him and he was mad at me."

You need to have a comma after "him." You've done very well with the commas, actually. That helps my need to be a perfectionist. :P

"He isn’t alive, he body breathes no longer."

I think you meant the second 'he' to be 'him.'

"So as I lay in my cold, cold bed at night, wondering about what might have been, I wonder about that night."

You need a comma after 'so.' :)

"What if, what if."

Isn't that really the question that every single person asks themselves all of the time. I mean, no one can deny that they've asked that question before.

I really, REALLY loved the ending of this fanfiction! It was brilliant and so realistic. I feel no regret for reading this! :D

I think you switched tenses a lot during this fanfiction, but I suppose it was okay because of the way you were writing it. And switching tenses is ridiculously hard to not do in first person!

Great job! I really liked it!

Author's Response: Hi! I realized after a I posted this story that I had a bunch of grammar mistakes, so I've gone back and edited all of them, including yours. (:
I'm glad you liked that line; I didn't want to make the story too cliche, so I added that bit.
Thank you so much for your review!!

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Review #13, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Eighteen - Severus

20th January 2008:
Hello! Haha, I updated my fanfiction, so I was looking at the "Recently Added Stories" section and saw this! Haha, I win!

"After all, she hadn’t pulled away from me when I tried to kiss her…"

More proof that you should just lay one on her, Sev. You should just walk up to her, let her ramble, and then say, "Shut up," and kiss her. Okay, so that's how I want my first kiss to be, but still. That would be amazing if it actually happened!

Oh, poor commas. No, you know what, I will say nothing. I will be quiet--I swear, I must have OCD or something. I'm sorry. I'll shut up about the commas.

"I left her reluctantly in my office, lighting a good blaze and assuring her I would lock the door."

Bwah ha ha. I can tell that the romance will be coming soon! He will have to comfort her eventually, which will hopefully lead to making out!

'“What, with entertainment like this to be had?!” Draco called out. Most of the Slytherins sniggered.'

How awful. And here I was, a true Draco Malfoy fan. Then you just had to kill it. What a jerk! I mean, I have a better word for it, but since I don't swear, I won't say it. But wow. Justin could have died, and he wouldn't have cared...

"No, Avrille. I’m the one who is useless. Useless for being unable to ease your suffering."

That was the most beautiful line in this whole entire fanfiction! I thought it was so touching and sad and beautiful and great... It was amazing. I'm probably overreacting, but it really was amazing.

Oh, but he could ease her suffering if he kissed her. -dies-

That was an amazing chapter! I really loved it, and I adored the twist added on with Avrille's Seer ability thing. I really liked that!

Great job! I wish I had more to say--this review wasn't as long as some of my others, I don't think--but this chapter was too brilliant for words!

Wonderful work!

Author's Response: Oh thank you thank you! I think it's funny that you knew I had a new chapter before I did XD Um...commas. YEAH. Haha. Oh well. Don't worry, don't worry, the making out IS coming! I swear it! I just had to wait for the opportune moment. Unfortunately the next chapter, Avrille's, is a bit short, but the one after that is a good, enlightening Severus one!

Yes, Draco is a bit of a prat in this story, but I figured he's young and still very impressionable. If sure I would make him grow out of that a bit in a later story.

I'm glad that you didn't think the Seer thing was cliche because since writing this I've learned that it can be...since I wrote this before reading any other fan fiction I had no idea! But it does have a point in the story, I promise!

Thank you again for the review, and I WILL get to your story soon! I've been totally knocked out from work. I'm going to try and finish up the story before yours now!

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Review #14, by Breakaway615Vertigo: Room 337

20th January 2008:

I thought that was a lovely first chapter! I liked it so much, I think I will add it to my favorite's list, so I can see when you update! I'm looking forward to it!

"Naturally she is very confused; she keeps on rambling about pig warts, magic, and she has several times asked to see a ‘Ronald Weasley’."

Haha, I liked the 'pig warts' thing. That was cute. Oh, but you need a comma after 'Naturally.' I'm sorry, I'm anal about commas.

"Right then Ophelia pushed past her parents and ran into the room, looking around at the nurses and doctors for a second before she raised a finger to point at Hermione."

You need a comma after 'Right then.' I like Ophelia, by the way. She seems bright for her age, but she still seems like a little kid--just the fact that she pointed at Hermione was so little kiddish.

That was an excellent chapter! Really, it was brilliant. Oh my gosh, I would have been freaked out if my whole life had been a dream, too. What if I really am dreaming right now--well, why would I be reviewing fanfictions in a dream?

Anyways, great job! I really liked it, and the description was awesome. I like the title, too! Great job!

Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much :)

Haha, I'm a comma-perfectionist as well, although I sometimes forget to put them in :P So thanks for pointing out my flaws; I will edit it straight away.

Ooh, I like Ophelia, too :) I was reading Hamlet while I wrote that part, hence to unoriginal name :P But I wanted to make her seem smart, seeing that her sister is Hermione, although I still need her to be puerile and childish for good effect :)

I'm so glad you liked it :D And yeah, the thought is freaky. Whenever something really good happens in my life, which is rare, I refuse to celebrate until I am sure it's not a dream. Which it usually is XP

Thank you so much for leaving a long a detailed review :) It means a lot to me.

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Review #15, by Breakaway615When He Was Young: Blood Is Thicker Than Porridge

20th January 2008:

I thought that was a really cute start. I liked it--I thought Draco was so adorable! I wanted to hug him. He was so cute! I liked it a lot.

I also liked the way you portrayed Narcissa. Although I would have expected her to still be nasty, I liked the way you made her coddle Draco. I don't think it's OOC. It's just different, and I thought it was nice.

I did see a bunch of mistakes/things, but I'll just point out a couple of examples:

"...Dorian’s hair..." Who is Dorian? You should specify that somewhere.

"Draco twisted away un-comfortably..." The word 'uncomfortably' doesn't need a hyphen.

"...un-sure..." And neither does 'unsure'.

All in all, I thought it was a nice start. I though Lucius was just a hideous thing, which was nice.

Nice job!

Author's Response: Ahhh, another person spotted that mistake too. Dorian is Draco, i just wrote the name wrong :D. And i will change those hyphenated words :D!
Im glad you like it.
Thank you for your review!

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Review #16, by Breakaway615Internal Cinders: Internal Cinders

18th January 2008:

First of all, I like how you started with just one word, Dawn, and ended with just one word, Dusk. I really liked that to start with.

The only problem I had with this fanfiction was the fact that almost every paragraph was so big. I mean, people have said that about my writing, and when I went back and looked it over, it was hard to read. The big paragraphs make people lose interest, I think, because they get lost in them. You could try to separate them into smaller paragraphs, if you want. It's just a suggestion.

Either way, this is still an amazing fanfiction. This could possibly be one of the most chilling and descriptive fanfic I have ever read. It was beautiful, really. It was written very well.

There were a couple things I was iffy about... but I think you were right about them, so I won't comment on them right now. I thought it was written very nicely.

Excellent job! I really liked this! I think other people probably will, as well!

Author's Response: 'Ello, 'ello,

First off, I am so very sorry that this has taken me so long to respond. Just finally getting caught up with everything in life, go figure. But, at any rate, on to responding.

Thank you, glad you liked the starting and ending of the story. I thought it was fitting, and I tend to do that when writting.

Yeah... *raises hand at her guiltiness* that would be one of my more larger problems, but I have been working on shortening my paragraphs and what not, and when I find the time, I will be sure to go back and space everything out. Cause after reviewing it again and again, I'm finding that it is a right head ache to have to read through all that. Not to mention the getting lost part! So, my apologies:(!

Thank you again! That's so nice and makes me smile! Description (if I'm allowed perhaps ten seconds of tooting of my own horn) is what I do best of all! And I get more and more into the story when I do that. So, I'm glad that you liked it and that it made sense to you so that you could enjoy and get into the story!

Thanks a bunch for the review and once again, so sorry it took forever and a day to respond.

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Review #17, by Breakaway615Whisperwood Court: Whisperwood Court

18th January 2008:

Okay, I've said this about a lot of fanfictions--mostly because I don't read them all at the same time and views change--but this was literally THE cutest fanfiction I have ever read.

I adore little kids. If I could work with them forever, I would. They are my favorite people in the world. And you totally captured the personality of little kids so perfectly. It was adorable.

'I didn’t like it. “I don’t like it,” I said to Lily.'

That is SO little kid-ish. I loved that line. I think it was one of my favorite in this whole thing. And it was a long fic--which is totally awesome! I love long fics, and I wish you had gotten this in for the Writer's Duel, because I totally would have voted for it.

I also loved the way you ended this. It wasn't a particularly happy ending, but at the same time it kind of was. It's... It gives me the feeling that I'm a little younger, watching my new friends go home.

I really loved this. It's going on my favorites, and I'm going to give you a 10/10, which is kind of hard to get from me! Great job! I really loved this!

Author's Response: :DDDDDDDD This makes me dance. I'm so happy you like it! And I kinda took that line from 'Artemis Fowl,' where Eoin must have that kind of scenario at least five times per book and I always like it.

Thanks for the splendiforous review!

~ Caroline

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Review #18, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Seventeen - Avrille

16th January 2008:
Hola! Buenas... well, dias, tardes, manana, noche... I don't know what time of day it is where you are... So, nevermind.

"She also learns that Severus + firewhisky = a very drunk Potions master..."

Yeah, first of all, that totally made me laugh when I was reading the summary for this chapter. I can't wait for this part... Maybe he'll kiss her! Maybe he will FINALLY kiss her. Oh, and this chapter is so long! That's awesome!

You're killing me with the commas... I'm pathetic, I'm sorry. I was correcting a form/kind-of-application yesterday, adding commas where they needed them and correcting the spelling... That's what my life has come to... editting forms... It's awful.

'“School was the only thing I did well in,” he remarked simply.'

Oh my goodness, I would cry if he told me that. Avrille is such a dear, telling him that he was wrong... Seriously, I watched a movie in one of my classes the other day about people with genetic disorders, and I almost broke down crying when they were talking about an overweight lady. I thought it was so sad! I hate when people have low self-esteem! It's so sad!

Aww, I don't really like Lavinia after this chapter. The whole part with her and Avrille... she was insulting poor Severus. I was getting so mad. And sad. Again. But really, Lavinia seems like the gossipy type of person that I hate... It's a pity that her name is so pretty...

"He was looking wonderful in a crisp white shirt and waistcoat of dove-grey."

Oh my gosh, I'm in heaven. Severus in white...

"He moved one of his hands from mine and cupped my cheek with it, wrapping his fingers in the damp tendrils of my hair. I dared not breathe, afraid that this moment was a waking dream and a single movement of mine would chase it away like the crystals of ice flying by our window. I closed my eyes, dying for his lips to touch mine."

You just had to kill the moment by making them arrive at the castle... Oh, you're mean. You are so mean. I think you must hate me. My heart was thumping and everything!

That dream was so freaky! Wow, I would have screamed when I woke up too, if I'd had that dream. Avrille--don't drink ever again!

That was such a lovely chapter, but I really do think that you hate me... I'm waiting for that kiss. Come on, Sev, lay one on her!!


That was a lovely chapter! I really can't wait for the next update! I'm so excited! :D

Author's Response: Hmmm...Lavinia's kind of a tricky character because deep down she really is nice and understanding, but like you said, she's also very gossipy. I never really addressed in this story Lavinia's reaction to when Avrille and Severus get together (cause you KNOW they're going to soon!) but I think after a few minutes of "WTF did you just say?!" she'd be very happy for them.

Hahahaha! Sorry that I totally ruined your moment. I did originally have them kiss there, but then I decided to draw it out a little bit more :D I think I just didn't want it to happen when Severus was drunk. Seems kind of like cheating maybe? But I think you will really like how I do write that scene and it's in 3 chapters (Avrille's POV after her next one) Sorry I'm making you wait, but I wanted the reader to know first WHY Severus is so scared of letting himself be in love. I think it will make sense to you soon.

Yeah, that dream is pretty messed up, huh? And it actually had nothing to do with the alcohol, though maybe that lowered her mental defenses or somethings...oh well. You'll see what I mean next chapter. I put it in for validation this morning, so maybe tomorrow? I hope so :D Thank you a million billion times!

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Review #19, by Breakaway615The Dream of One Night: Chapter Sixteen - Severus

16th January 2008:

"The logo on the drummer’s bass read, “The Screaming Crucible,” and the band members’ hair consisted of a variety of colours ranging from lime green to blue. Oh, this was going to be wonderful."

Oi, I'm worried now. Just the band's name makes me shiver--it's probably like some of the band's names at my school. I can only imagine what they sound like... I should go to a Battle of the Bands contest...

"Avrille would be pleased to see that Lockhart’s dress robes did not disappoint: they were salmon pink."

I hate that color pink. Oh, I totally love pink--and black, and purple, and really light greens, and baby blues--but salmon pink is awful. I could totally picture Lockhart wearing those, though. I would have so much fun making fun of him, if I were there.

"I was at an absolute loss for words since the only thoughts circling endlessly through my mind were that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever beheld and I would very much like to marry her this instant."

AWW! How cute! I love Severus... He is such a lovely person, and I want to hug him!

"I usually spent each Yule Ball in the Slytherin common room reading and wishing for a life that did not so closely resemble Hell."

Um, yeah, that would be like me. I could picture myself bringing a book with me in a purse to the prom... That's how pathetic I am. And I'm bad at dancing, so I'd probably just sit somewhere the whole time, anyway. Severus and I are so alike! ;)

'“Are you fancying dancing with anyone tonight?” Lockhart asked, trying to sound innocent, but the slurring of his words wasn’t helping.

“Not with you, if you’re asking,” I replied dryly.'

Haha, that was so funny!

The whole dancing scene with Lockhart kind of reminded me of the scene in the movie "Enchanted." I love that movie. Anyways, yeah--it reminded me of that, with the whole slow dancing song and stuff.

"Lockhart still held her tightly to him, but now looking closely I noticed that his hand was slowly moving from her waist down to her hip."

GASP! Tsk, tsk! Lockhart is kind of sketchy... and clearly oblivious to the fact that Avrille, like, hates him. What a sleezy guy...

"(I’d certainly never been called “pretty” before)..."

That was so cute! I loved that whole part! I loved the whole time Severus and Avrille were dancing! I'm so happy that you let them dance! I love cheesy romantic stuff like this!

Can you tell that I'm a sucker for chick flicks?

But you didn't make them kiss. That was kind of depressing. Maybe in the next chapter? You updated so fast! Are you a TA now? I love it--it's so convenient!

Oh, and I read what you said about the commas in your last reply, so I won't comment on any of those things--there were a couple, but it's okay!

Nice chapter! It was SO adorable! Yay!

Author's Response: Hehehe...I actually named my band "The Screaming Crucible" in Guitar Hero XD I don't know if you (or anyone else) noticed, but I made another reference to "The Crucible" with Headmistress Abigail Proctor. Yeah. Too much English Lit in school.

Ok, as for salmon pink, that's a reference to this really bad anime I love called "Shinesman" which is like a retarded Power Rangers where they all have lame colors like Moss Green! Sepia! and yes, Salmon Pink! I just HAD to do it...

I haven't seen "Enchanted" yet, so can't comment on that...but I liked dances, at least the ones I went to with my then-boyfriend-now-husband XD

And yeah, Lockhart is sketchy. Unfortunately that's pretty much it for him in this story...sorry! He was fun, but he served his purpose of making Severus jealous. And I'm not a TA yet (buggrit!), the queue was just *really* short that day. Sorry the commas are driving you nuts...I seriously am considering reading through my future chapters to check for that just for you. Haha. We'll see, I am REALLY busy so probably not.

Thank you so so so much for your always awesome super-long nice amazing reviews!! *heart*

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Review #20, by Breakaway615The Aftershock: The Voice

15th January 2008:
Hello again!

"Well, Fleur joined in; Bill went along with the other guys in just pretending to listen, adding a comment here and there that could qualify as meaning anything. "

That was really funny--especially because that probably does happen. I wouldn't know, but I can guess so. And, well... the woman's parents have to pay for the wedding, so I think the man would feel embarrassed to help. But, like I said, I wouldn't know.

'Ginny rounded on her brother. “She can’t have white!” she exclaimed shrilly. “That’d be way too ordinary!”'

Haha, and I love Hermione's reaction to that. It's perfect. I love Hermione--and Ginny and Fleur are so... insanely girly. It's funny.

"Of course you have, The Voice cackled. If you were still sane, you wouldn’t be hearing me, now, would you? Funny how that works. Insanity itself is the one that always makes you see the truth, in the end.

You’re evil. I almost became a murderer thanks to you!

If you believe that, then you really are a fool. I make no decisions for you, I’m just here to tell it like it is. Think, boy. You didn’t hear me when you wanted to kill her, that was all your choice. I’m the one part of you that hasn’t been damaged. Things have changed despite your best efforts, but it’s nothing compared to what will come. You are powerless to stop it!"

I was a little confused about that part because I didn't know who was really talking/thinking. I think the second part was Harry, right? The rest was the Voice. But I was confused at first. Maybe it was just me, though.

That song was really well written! I thought that it was cool that you wrote it, so good job on that one.

And the ending was not lame! I liked the ending a lot. Come back to my review thread and tell me when you update, because I like this a lot!

Great job!

Author's Response: Hello again!

Yes, the second part was Harry, the rest was the Voice. Sorry it confused you.

I'm especially glad you like the song. I'm working on my poetry, and it's good to know that I can write my own little song when the need arises.

Again, thanks so much!

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Review #21, by Breakaway615The Secret Vacation: A Miracle and A Prayer

14th January 2008:

The last chapter was so intense! I really wanted to review it, but I wanted to know what was going to happen so badly! So, here I am with my final review! I have enjoyed reading this!

That was such a beautiful chapter! I loved the... death scene things. Like, the parts with "the redheaded man" and stuff. They were really cute, and you described everything so nicely.

I was so worried throughout the entire chapter about Hermione's wellbeing, but I really admire you for doing the right thing. I have been in the position about life and death situations with my fanfictions, and I'm pretty sure I know how you felt writing this.

Great job with everything! I definitely enjoyed reading and reviewing this! Update soon!

Author's Response: Hey again! I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this chapter and my story. It was a challenge for me to write the 'white light' scenes. I didn't want it to sound too cheesy or unbelievable. But I think it worked out and that is my favorite part of the chapter and maybe even of the whole story. I always knew that Ron would save Hermione. I couldn't let Hermione die because Ron had just confessed his feelings for her. How sad would that have been? Once again, thank you so much for your time and your reviews.

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Review #22, by Breakaway615The Secret Vacation: Waterfall Adventures

14th January 2008:
Hello again!

'“I was thinking that I’m hungry,” Ron said turning to face his girlfriend.'

Wow, he is such a boy. I would be deeply upset if someone said that to me when I asked them what they were thinking about... I mean, okay, I would understand it if it was my friend. But not my boyfriend... Wow, Ron.

"She whipped back around and saw something black whip around a tree several yard away. It almost looked like a cloak whipping in the wind."

Holy Moly, that's freaky. Wow--I hope nothing happens to ruin the amazingly cute moments that you have written for us. That would just kill the moment(s).

"Just outside the tent, however, someone was watching them. The four had just entered the tent, so there was no chance of being discovered. The plan was to stay hidden. Stay hidden until the right moment. Then there would be pain and torture. There would be hell to pay."

Oh my gosh! How could you! Don't do anything, please! That would be cruel and unusual... you can't ruin a perfectly happy fic like this with violence! Well, actually, I like fics like that, but still. I will be sad. :(

"Finally one flew up out of the water and into his hand."

There should be a comma after "Finally." I love how I'm all sad and complaining, and then I act so serious. Weird.

'“Just say you will meet me here and I will show you.”'

There should be a comma after "here."

"They said good night and Hermione left to join Ron."

There should be a comma after "night."

"He turned and looked over at her. She smiled at him. He took his trainers and his socks off. She stood there watching him, not taking her gaze from his eyes. He walked into the pool. He used his wand and mumbled something under his breath. He motioned for Hermione to join him. She did not avert her gaze from Ron. He watched her intently as she walked closer to him. She walked into the pool and instantly realized what Ron had mumbled. The water was warm against her skin as she waded over to him. He immediately took her face in his hands and kissed her passionately. They broke apart and he walked her over to the waterfall. He turned to her."

In that paragraph, you started nearly every sentence with either "he" or "she." And most of the sentences were really short and choppy, which broke the flow of the story. I think you could combine a few of the sentences and change the beginnings so they don't start with "he/she."

"There in front of their tents was Harry, standing in front of Ginny, a death eater pointing a wand straight at their chests."

Aww, now you killed the moment... Darn. I loved that as a cliffhanger, though. It makes me want to read the next chapter right now--which I will.

Great chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing again. :D I know that was weird for Ron to say, but couldn't you just see him saying that. Haha! And yeah, that line about the black cloak whipping in the wind sounded really creepy to me as well. Thanks for all of the CC you offered and I will go back and reread that. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter. I hope it wasn't too much of a 'ruin the moment' moment for you.

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Review #23, by Breakaway615The Secret Vacation: The Secret Plan

13th January 2008:
Hello! Sorry I'm taking so long to review! I have been really busy lately!

I really adored this chapter! Especially the ending when Ron saw that Hermione was going on the vacation. I'm actually worried about this... Hehe!

I also thought that it was cute at the beginning of the chapter when Ron asked Hermione to stay for dinner, and then outside under the tree. That was sweet.

Overall, I really adored this chapter! I love Ron/Hermione's! They're really hard to do, too, considering how much everyone expects of them, so kudos to you!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I'm so glad that you enjoyed this chapter. I could just see Ron being all flustered when he found out that Hermione was going on the vacation. I really liked the tree part as well. I wanted them to be able to know something was up, without it all coming out. And don't worry about taking long to review. It's cool. I know things get hectic. :D Thanks a lot.

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Review #24, by Breakaway615:

13th January 2008:

I really liked this first chapter. I loved that guy's name--Lase; I've never heard it before, and I like it. I also thought it was funny that he was so... well, that he and Ginny had just met and he kissed her. That was intense.

'“I am sorry I am so late, I got caught up,” explained Harry.'

I think you should use contractions instead of actually saying, "I am." It doesn't sound natural, you know? Read through that sentence and think about it. It just sounds a little strange when he says, "I am."

"Harry sat next to me and pulled me closer. I felt so safe in Harry’s arms. I forgot about my anger at Harry. Then I began to kiss him and he pulled away looking serious."

The flow in that pagraph is a little iffy. I think that you used "Harry" too much, so you might want to try changing it around. And you missed some commas. It should be: "Then, I began to kiss him, and he pulled away looking serious."

"I cried my self to sleep that night and almost missed breakfast if I had not been woken by one of my room mates."

It should be "myself," not two separate words. Also, I think it would sound better if you said, "I cried myself to sleep that night, and I would have missed breakfast had I not been woken up my one of my roommates." I think that would sound a lot better.

"I flew down the grand staircase hoping to fall to take away my pain but only managed to I went knock over several frightened first years."

Read that sentence over. I think you might want to edit it so it sounds better. I understood what you were trying to say, but I think you were tripping over your words when you were writing? I dunno.

"I ignored them and sat by myself. I grabbed some chocolate chip pancakes and began to eat. I saw Harry glance up at me and I could see more tears in his eyes. Why the hell was he sad? He broke up with me not the other way around. I quickly burst out the doors as soon as I finished and walked to Transfiguration."

You started almost every sentence in that paragraph with the word "I". Try switching it up a little! It isn't WRONG. I just think that if you switched it up, it would be better for the flow of the chapter.

"Then we walked out of the hall and I held his hand."

You missed some commas again: "Then, we walked out of the hall, and I held his hand."

"Then his lips met mine and his tongue begged entry which I soon granted."

More comma things (I'm sorry, I'm really intense about commas): "Then, his lips met mine, and his tongue begged entry, which I soon granted."

I was interested at the way you ended the chapter. It was an abrupt cut off, which I have never actually seen before. So, I liked that.

I'm sorry if I sounded mean, pointing every little thing out, but I would just like to help! So, really, I'm sorry if you thought I was a jerk! I don't mean to be!

Overall, it was a good beginning to what I expect to be a great fanfiction. If you update, you can come back to my review thread and tell me so I can review the next one!

Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so very much! I love this type of reviews! I do not think you are a jerk and I must say that you sure helped me a bunch. The next chapter is up for validation so I will fix the changes right away!

I made up the name Lase because I liked the sound of it, lol. Glad you like the abrupt cut-off, I thought it may get my readers attention. I will most certainly let you know once the next chapter validates!

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Review #25, by Breakaway615The Secret Vacation: Beginnings

10th January 2008:

That was a nice start! I liked that you started it off with Ron already liking Hermione. Most of the fanfictions I have read are the casual-starting-to-like-her types. That just proves how long it has been since I last read a Ron/Hermione. :)

I believe I will read every chapter and review every other chapter, if it is all right with you. I still have to update my fanfic! It's been quite a while. But, don't worry, I'll try to leave good reviews!

I noticed a couple of things that you might want to fix. Okay, well, you don't have to if you don't want to. But whatever. Here they are:

"Did you want to apperate?”

I believe it is "apparate."

"They turned thinking of the Potters front yard and then they vanished."

"Potters" should be "Potter's." Also, there should be a comma after "yard."

I think that is all I noticed. Great first chapter! I look forward to the rest of the fanfic!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your positive words and CC. Thanks for pointing out some of the stuff that I missed. I find now when I go back and read it, I see stuff like that. I do have a beta now so those kinds of things should get better.

Reviewing every other chapter is great, if you need to make it less than that, that's cool as well. I hope you enjoy it first and foremost. Reviews can come as you see fit. :D

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