Jack this is hilarious ^_^ I don't read humor - at all. I don't find much worth in it usually (hence why I am repeatedly banging my head against a wall trying to do Shiloh's prompt - which I hope you will read and tell me how much of a fail it is ^_-) Anywho - back to you. Like I was saying - I don't like humor and yet, for some reason, unbeknown to me, I love this. Your voice is absolutely hilarious. It must be incredibly difficult to write an entire novel in this structure and I admire that. I will continue to read this for the original characters, strong women, intriguing plot, and yes, the hilarity snuck between the drama. Maybe you'll make a believer of me yet, Jack.
- AhnaAuthor's Response: Aww thank you! If you think you're bad with humour you should see me with angst! I am actually the worst. Of course I'll help you with it - well, I'll try to anyway.
Funny you mention the structure. It's actually completely addictive now, find it hard to write any other way. Even in this you can see traces of it.
Oh gosh! You said something positive about a plot of mine! I don't think I've ever had a decent plot EVER.
I really am so glad you enjoyed it, hopefully enjoy the later chapters just as much ^^ Report Review
Wow, Greta. This is something magical you have here. The grammar is a bit shaky here in the beginning but I am so intrigued by the idea of an original story that I will ignore this and continue on. I am really quite excited for such a piece of originality! You're description is great, if a bit hurried at times, but again, there is a lot of information to get out there. You sound a bit worried about getting people to stick around, believe me, I completely understand this fear ^_-. Try not to worry so much! Look for more from me, even if they come slowly. I will do my best to review every chapter. ^_^
- CelticAuthor's Response: Celtic,
I'm terribly sorry I didn't see this sooner!!! I took a break off of HPFF for a while. I moved since my last post, and have started up at a new school where I'm taking an insane load of AP classes (what was I thinking?!?!? oh wait... that's right... I wasn't ;) ) And just didn't have time for HPFF, as sad as that is ;)
Anyway, you think it's magical??? *blush. You're too kind, really. The beginning is rough though, I know this. I'm still brainstorming of ways to segue into the game, but can't seem to think of something entirly plausible. I know WHY it has to happen, but I can't figure out how ;) lol. I'm happy you enjoyed it though. At first, it was just meant to be an action adventure kind of thing, but now I feel as if it's about to be something far far more! : ) As far as emotion and angst go, because these characters are being presented with someone far more extreme than ever, and I feel as if they themselves become an extreme version of themselves. And show their true colors? But I could be wrong. I'm just writing the story ;)
But thank you so much for stopping by, you have no idea what it means to me that my Dramione inspiration waltzes in and leaves me a review!!! Really? I should write this date down! haha ; ) But truly, on a more serious note, thank you. It means alot that you believe in me.
9/30 Report Review
Marina how refreshing! I usually don't like short pieces but this was quite the little vignette ^_^ Thank you for sharing this. It was beautifully crafted.Author's Response: aww, thank you so much! What's refreshing is that there are other Filch fans out there :) thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
First off - Yeat's "Stolen Child" is one of my all-time favorite poems. ^_^
This was a very beautiful piece. I am still adjusting to this trend of writing the story backwards but I enjoyed this one - it embraced that style and yet moved very seamlessly from one scene to the next and I was not lost - which is always enjoyable ^_^
I was saddened by the way things turned out, I feel everything was wonderfully explained but I felt a little empty when I reached the end because it had sounded as if how Tom became how he did would be explained a tad more - rather we just watched it happen. I did enjoy this however. All in all - beautiful language, great flow- I think it was a very well written piece of work Kali Author's Response: Hey Celtic!
Oh, I know - that poem is absolutely inspiring. I adore Yeats. :) You know, the style seems to be taking off. I think it was Steph (Romina Stephanie) who set it off first. I'm very pleased to know you thought I pulled it off! I wasn't sure of that myself. XD
Empty? Hmm ... well, I always think it's better to show, rather than tell, which is perhaps why you got that 'watched' feeling. I like leaving things up to the reader's imagination, for them to pull their own conclusions from the fic. But I see what you mean. =) I'm happy you liked it! Thank you so much for reviewing!
XOXO, Kalina Report Review
Wow. I can't review it. I have nothing to say. That was the kind of story I like - what I look for in real literature. All I can ask is: Why, in the name of all that is holy would this be a one-shot?? God almighty make this a novel! Now! You must! First 10/10 in a very long time.
Could you delete the review from the other account? >_Author's Response: Haha! Sure! Thank you so much.
I'll copy my response here:
Aww! Wow! Thank you so much, Kate and Celtic! I really appreciate it! It's a one-shot for the staff challenge, but I'm going to create a novel for it.
I hope you two come back and read it! xD
Thanks so much for the review! You made my day!
-Drue Report Review
Wow. I don't even know where to start Gubby. There are so many great things about this. What an innovative idea! Nicely done! The only thing I did not like was that it was second person - In my opinion (which may or may not matter at all!!) the second person put a damper on what would have been a flawless story. That is strictly my opinion and the only thing I struggles with. The plot was perfection. A perfect dose of intrigue and confusion - just how I like them ^_^ I have never read a Tom/Minerva fic before so I cannot safely comment on the validity of the relationship other than the fact I liked it and found the characterization to be lovely. Your usage of the English language is nothing short of exemplary - truly beautiful Gubby! I guess I have nothing constructive to say!! I loved it! Report Review
Wow sweetie - I found this to be truly beautiful. There were parts I adored and parts I didn't find entirely believable - but those were few and far between. First - the overall idea of this is beautiful and hits home for many people. This is the culture I live in, as an ally and avid gay activist myself, and some of the closest people in my world have struggled with this very thing and I have held more than one hand as they battled these very thoughts. Thank you for so beautifully putting that struggle in to words. I loved your characterization of Cedric. I loved his inner dialogue and I LOVED the juxtaposition between his moments with Alica and his moments with Ken. The only things I didn't like was that he did not find the strength in the end - I find that heartbreaking, truly tragic as I imagine the men in my life who struggle with this. The only other thing I didn't like was the character of Ken - but that is strictly my preference against your vision and must be taken with a grain of sand. I would reccomend this fic. Thank you for asking me to review it. Truly.Author's Response: Thank you! It's my first slash so parts that you didn't believe were probably inevitable =P I know a few friends who are already 'out' but I've never known anyone who was going through the struggle, so this one was kind of a stretch. I'm really glad you thought it was okay, though.
The fact that he didn't come out in the end was my preference for unhappy endings =P And Ken... I don't know why but I imagined him to be a snake-like jerk.
Thank you so much! This review has made me so happy ^_^ Report Review
Wow. Epic. Favoriting - can't wait for an update ^_^Author's Response: Thanks, the next chapter is waiting for validation so it should be up soon! Report Review
oh my god. You two are brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! Report Review
Alright. There are good and bad things in here so let's look at them all! First, this is very original and I like that a lot. Kudos to you for staying out of the box. I thought you might be in literary danger what with the typical train scene in the first chapter but you proved me wrong. I would suggest checking out some grammar stuff however. There are a few grammatical errors in this chapter and the previous. I was also confused by the idea that the three of them could apparate - how did that come to be? There were some minor problems with the flow of the paragraphs - it got a little dull in the descriptions at some point but the overall idea was enjoyable - you still have my attention.Author's Response: Hey Celtic- thank you for another lovely review.I am glad you are enjoying the plot - and I hope the next chapter is not as cliche as I fear it to be - I'd hate to ruin a good trend. I will definitely take another run through this chapter and look at the grammar- thank you for pointing that out. Harry, Ron, and Hermione can apparate because they are entering seventh year- so they have all passed their tests; I should insert a line to make that more clear. Work on flow and interrupt the excessive detail to keep interest - got it ;-) That you so much for such a nice, honest review! I really do appreciate it.
Wow. So, here I am after an almost two year hiatus, reading a fanfiction. Look how you twisted my arm ^_-. First off - remember you asked me for analytical reviews so I am going to treat this just like a writing workshop; with love and honest critiques and the desire for improvement. That's the beautiful thing about writing - there's always more to do! Remember everything I say is completely subjective and only accounts for my opinion on writing, other people might say completely different. That put out there - off we go!
Your opening is not bad. There are three types of openings; monologue, action, and failure >_< . I think I usually take the monologue option (that's what the prologue to TFO is) and in one shots I feel pretty certain I do the action (plunge in in the middle of a scene). You seem to be balancing somewhere in between the two. I like that you don't stop to explain every little detail (which is unnecessary - we readers will figure things out eventually - thats half the fun). The only thing I would suggest in the beginning is to change the bathroom thing a bit. It's very cliche (I did it SO MANY TIMES before I was like.. wait a minute.) The idea that the character rolls out of bed and plunges into the bathroom is dull and honestly - who cares? We're going to assume Hermione has good hygiene, we don't necessarily need to follow her every bodily function. Try throwing in something perhaps you would do hen you wake up - heaven knows when I first wake up, even when I'm late, I lie in bed in denial for a few minutes and curl up in the blankets like they are my last life line to the living world. Maybe she wakes up and her shoes are missing or she's on the opposite end of the bed than when she went to sleep. That's a little more surprising than brushing your teeth.
I find it interesting that you begin with Harmony in a Dramione story. I like that. The few glances between them is setting up the premise for conflict later on in the piece, very nice.
Harry is incredibly witty. nicely done. I'm not sure if he was OoC but what he described was very IN for Ron so I didn't care if he was OoC becasue it was funny and plausible for the other character in discussion. Did that make sense?
Halleh. I was worried you'd thrown in a cliche train ride with the teeth brushing however I was pleasantly surprised as the use of the dull train ride as a lulling tool for the conflict and mystery introduced by the appearance of the hooded figures. All together not bad for a beginning chapter - these can be the hardest as they have to grab and hold attention.
^_^ CelticAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing. I cannot tell you how much this helps me as a writer. I definitely will do the beginning of the next story in your workshop- your advice is extremely helpful.
Now that you mention the bathroom scene - the more I think about it- I cannot believe I chose to open this story with Hermione brushing her teeth. It's so cliche- I don't even want to think about it. One of the interesting things that I would have never suspected before I started is that the first chapter would be the most-read chapter (I know, logically it's up the longest, but I never had that epiphany =). And you are absolutely right- teeth brushing is not quite the boom I wanted to come in on. For her to lie in bed in denial (I do it too =) is more plausible- more relatable- and her thoughts would be more interesting.
I'm glad you like the Harmony undercurrent. In the beginning, I was worried it would become a distraction, but I decided that Harmony would be an interesting angle to add. And you're absolutely right- they will have that conflict eventually. Very perceptive.
And I'm so relieved that you like Harry. As he's the most well-known in the entire series, it would indeed be a disaster to get his character wrong. I hope you continue to enjoy his viewpoint.
I'm also glad that you like the train ride attack. That was one of those "sit back after writing and wonder where the heck that came from" moments - and but I decided to follow the bunny. I don't think even I could muster the tedium for a train ride and opening feast. =)
Thank you so much for reviewing. Your comments were so insightful, and I cannot believe that I did not think to twist your arm sooner - haha. Looking forward to a writing workshop. *sends hugs*
< x ; - ) Sarah Report Review
Aw -sniffles- So I just accidently stumbled across this.. Did you tell me it existed?? Why didn't I know? This is sweet. I like it very much so far. What a doll you are! Thank you for the dedication! The only things I would suggest would be to not use the "start flashback" and then "end flashback" titles because when the text goes to italic we assume it is in flashback or private thought mode. Other than that, very nice, my dear ^_^. Keep an eye out for TFO it is on its way! Report Review
Ah, dearest Maji. How I love your writing. I am extremely impressed with how you handled this. I'm glad I could be inspiring! I love the pain in this: how reminiscent of "Wait For Me" it is. Your details are always so vivid that you paint pictures instead of describe them. Its all in your choice of adjectives. Very lush. The only suggestion I could possibly make is to be careful not to over explan things. When you say "“I remember how you left in the morning at daybreak,” she spoke aloud, the sound of her voice echoing through the empty dark. “So silent you stole from my bed.” She had woken one morning, during the height of summer, to find him gone." you don't need the explnation after te lyrics ("she had woken...my bed.") because it is redundant. You just told us "So silent you stole from my bed." and then in the next sentence you say again how he stole from your bed. Very nice handling of the lyrics turning into dialogue. And a very powerful song choice. I loved it!
Author's Response: *squeee* thank you sweetie!! i am so very pleased you liked this, and of course you are inspiring!! it was actually after reading Wait for Me that this came to me, and I was listening to the song at the time, and it all rolled together in my head.
i paint pictures? wow. that is probably one of the best compliments i have gotten. thank you.
*slaps head* oh that line...gah, i was reading this the other night and saw that and thought i should get rid of it, but forgot again!! I shall do so now i think!! thanks for picking that up!
so pleased you liked it darling!
xx Report Review
Aw my dearest Maji... here is a prime example of why you are one of my top favorite authors ever. I love it. I don't usually find stories I like here... but well here it is! I am very excited to be reading this. Sorry it took ever so dreadfully long for me to get to. Bad Celtic.Author's Response: oh thank you my dear!! i'm so incredibly pleased you like this so far - if i can impress you, then i am very happy indeed ^_^
this fic is fast becomming my fav to write. so glad you like it *dances*
*hugs* thanks Celtic!! and don't apologise - you've been a busy woman! Report Review
AH IT'S CELTIC! Heh heh purple knickers. -shakes head- So here I am, finally, getting to check out this story ^_- heh heh don't tell my readers I am reading this instead of writing or they will come after the both of us. It'll be our secret heh heh.
Lavender annoys me. She's just -ick. Which means, to me, you've got her characterisation right, because I usually hate her ^_-. I have recently noticed, and it amuses me to absolutely no end, that the beginning chapters of stories like this are always of less quality then the ending chapters. (at least in mine!) So if that is the case, I am extremely excited to get deeper into this story, because the level of the beginning is already so high and involved!
Wow what a beautiful piece. Did you intentionally use my name (Ahnaliese Malfoy) as the characters name or was that just a coincidence? Cause I loved it ^_- it was like reading about myself.. and who doesn't love that?
Thank you for such a thoughtful dedication! What a sweet thing to do! I really appreciate it. Thank you for being such a wonderful supporter. I hope this "minor break" is over very soon!
Author's Response: YES! I have finally manged to achieve a review from the all might y celtic kisses! (jumps around happily) But seriously, I am over the moon that you enjoyed it. I just thought that since you're gone and we wnat you back so soon, I'd dedicate this to you. I hope the minor break is over soon too. ^_& Report Review
Wow Maji, I am so proud of you! That was better than half of the one shots on my author's page, you have a real gem here! I am so honored you took the time to think of me while writing it and I was even happier to see some of the tricks I use in my own writing appearing here in this piece. It was absolutely magnificent and the only words I can give to explain it are just those; it is a gem. Your descriptions were beautiful and vivid, giving the piece a wonderful majestic feel. Your subject matter was novel. Your characters were tragically beautiful. Again, I am very honored to have such a wonderful piece of work dedicated to little old me. I miss you as well my love!
(Ha ha this is only the second time I have ever given that rating! Whee!)Author's Response: Celtic!!!!! *tackle hugs*
Hello darling! Oh my i'm so incredibly happy you liked this! Your beautiful Flower in the Fire was my inspiration, and its been a long time since I read that fic, but it stayed wtih me, you know? the whole idea of Draco and Pansy and a deeper side to their relationship, whatever it may be.
hee hee yes! you are truly inspiring!
wow a 10!! *dances* I feel very special at the moment xD
Miss you babe and I hope you're back wtih us soon!
Maji Report Review
Heylo there darling. Celtickisses is here with the requested review! So onward we go!
On this day, the humidity was low and the air was starting to turn bitter in a cold way. This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps it is the odd phrasing of "..bitter in a cold way." or perhaps just that it is a confusingly structured sentence.
She could not stand James with a passion. Again, it is a bit jilted in the structure area. I understand what you are saying, but I think you meant to say it as such; "She hated James with a passion." or something like that.
I am noticing that alot of times you will make a statement and then in the next sentence refute what you have just said. Try to be more decisive with your words. Make a strong conviction and then stick to it.
Very cute ending. I feel the characters were in character, or at least a consistent character throughout the piece. It was a tad short and things happened a bit fast, but all in all it was a nice piece of work. To help with your sentence structure I reccomend reading some of the stories on the site or even reading more books. I promise it will help ^_-.
Nice work my dear,
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I appreciate the help! Report Review
Aw that was sweet! Very simple plot line, which I enjoyed. I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors worth pointing out. I see what you mean about working on conversations as there was not much dialogue in this story, but I also believe more dialogue would have ruined the feel of this piece. Your Draco was a tad fanon, but that does not bother me any as I love fanon Draco. Very nice all in al my dear. NIce work. Author's Response: Hey Celtic.
Thanks so much for reviewing and the lovely comments. I really appreciate it!
xxLils Report Review
The overall idea to this story was pleasing. I greatly enjoyed the irony concerning their birthdays and the joke. It was difficult to concentrate at points because of the odd format to the spacing. Your description was very good. You use a lot of adjectives and at some points you may even want to cut back on their usage. The tone of the story was from Molly, so it felt a bit awkward. Your Molly's voice sounded like a teenager at times. Be careful with some of the thoughts and expressions you use such as: "..twins first told me they were opening a joke shop; I blew my top..." Overall, nicely done my dear.Author's Response: Thank you for the feedback. The spacings are a problem and I have tried editing them but it just won't work. I shall take the adjectives into consideration when I get a minute or two. I still have some changes that I want to do... you have mentioned one that are the teenage expressions. Thank you for bringing some of these points to my attention and thanks for the helpful review! =) x x Report Review
Hello there darling. Celtickisses here with your requested review! Firstly: spellcheck your summary my love. I noticed a few spelling boo boos in there.
I see what you mean about the difficulty you have with dialogue. It's not horrid, so don't fret. It is a bit choppy, so I have some suggestions to strengthen your technique. First; read your dialogue aloud. Some of the errors I have noticed is just that it doesn't sound appropriate for the character (be it something a male probably wouldn't say, or something a specific character wouldn't say). Second; to figure this out I reccomend listening to the people around you. Sit in the cafeteria, or the library, and listen to boys talk to each other, or to girls, and vice versa. It helps loads, promise.
He remembered that day. Every single detail, every single word they'd exchanged. It was the sweetest mistake he'd ever made. But it was a mistake. He'd broken his vow – he'd allowed himself human contact and emotion. And the worst part of it all was the fact that he'd allowed it with the most unlikely person. A Gryffindor, and a Mudblood.
The wording in the beginning of that passage is very nice. It becomes a bit disjointed towards the end as the grammar falls apart. Check into using some semi colons and combining some sentences.
"You don't have a choice. If you don't kill me, I'll kill you." That was reminiscent of my own writing, so I liked it very very much.
Your Snape was very passionate, which through me off for a bit, but as the story evolved I came to understand him and I believe he could have been handled no better way.
If I had been writing this story I would have cut the last paragraph and left just Lily's line; ""Then we have nothing more to say to each other.", which I believe is a very powerful ending that needs no explanation.
Nicely done my dear. Author's Response: Hello there, CelticKisses! Thank you for the splendid review here, it helped loads! I shall fix the summary immediately. And dialogue - yes, it's been my problem since forever. I will take your suggestion and listen to people talk, which is something I never do, but hey, for the sake of writing, anything is allowed :). I'm happy you liked that sentence (the one where he says he'll kill her) - I really thought it would confuse people into thinking he actually couldn't wait to kill her which is, of course, completely wrong. I struggled a lot with this stoy, because I was torn beween saying some things bluntly so everyone would understand them (which would've completely ruined the mood of the story) and keeping the subtlety. I settled for what seemed like a compromise, and hoped people would understand the meaning behind the words. The compliment on Snape is the best I could get, he's such a difficult character, and I was beyond happy to hear that you liked him. About that last paragraph - I've been thinking the same thing and, originally, the story ended with Lily's words. But then people came and told me the ending was kind of sudden, and that I should perhaps add something more. But I think I'm going to cut it and have the story end the way it originally did. Thank you a million times for this spectacular review and the helpful suggestions, it's very much appreciated. Much love, CJ Report Review
Brava my love. A magnificent creation. I thoroughy enjoyed it in every way possible. Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to read and review every chapter! Report Review
Holy crap...that was beautiful. What did he hand her???Author's Response: You'll figure it out in the epilogue :) Report Review
AW. OKay, so I love this story. I don't fall in love with stories very often. Author's Response: Wow, I feel flattered. Thank you ;) Report Review
AHHH! YES! -does jig-Author's Response: Again? My, my, I'm feeling chipper now x) Report Review
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