Not much technical stuff to comment on. Just,
“…even the frames on the walls were empty.” This isn’t wrong, but I’d suggest writing it something like, “even the portraits lining the walls were empty.” So it is clear what you are talking about.
“The air that entered from it was filled with dust and she could smell blood in it.” Again just a suggestion that might read a little better, “The air that flowed through it was filled with dust and the smell of blood.”
“…as they neared the large oak front doors; except that they didn’t look like doors anymore.” Should be a comma here, not a semi-colon.
“The explosion was so powerful that it shook the whole school.” Should be in past tense. “The explosion was so powerful that it had shaken the whole school.”
“Antonin Dolohov was sending spells and jinxes at Ginny, who was too busy dodging them rather than firing some of her own.” “…Ginny, who was too busy dodging them to return with some of her own.”
“She watched Dean Thomas, Parvati Patel, Dennis Creevey, Ernie Macmillan and many more succumb to death.” “Parvati Patil”
“Draco Malfoy, who had come to the good side, finally get rid of his pest of a father.” past tense, “…got rid of his pest of a father.”
You did a really good job describing the battle, however I don’t think Harry would be grinning as he came back from defeating Voldemort. His whole life has been leading up to this point. I think he would be tired and relieved its over. So perhaps instead Ron and Hermione could see him walking towards them deep in thought but when his eyes meet Ron’s, it hits him that it is over; it’s finally over. Then he’d grin.
Your characterisation of Hermione was good and believable, the tone and mood seemed a little detached until Charlie and Fred died. Then you made me cry. Anyway, your descriptions and imagery were wonderful; the setting was fitting and consistent with the tone, mood and characterisation. An emotional ending and a really good story!
Author's Response: Wow, that was a great review! Ya, now that you pointed these mistakes out, I realised "yeah, some of them are such silly mistakes" and I am gonna rectify them ASAP. About Harry, yes, you're right, he wouldn't grin like that after killing Voldemort but I think at first he'd be relieved and happy and then, after sometime, the truth that he had KILLED someone would finally sink in. Secondly, I didn't want any interaction between the trio (honestly, I don't know why) so I let the facial expressions convey what happened. I hope you understand what I am trying to say here :-) Thank you so very much for the honest review. You rock! Report Review
I really like how you have introduced this story. For a moment I was wondering why Dumbledore was the one coming with her letter before I recalled he was the Transfiguration teacher back then, which makes it more plausible. I know am nitpicking, but I found a few things to comment on.
“She told me that my papa had died, but I knew better.” Depending on the tense, it should be “She told me that my papa had died, but I know better.” Or “She had told me that my papa had died, but I knew better.”
“… I stumbled over to the wash basin…” “… washbasin”
“… loosely-fitted” just has a space, “loosely fitted”
“nonmagical” needs to be, “non-magical”
“Not the fake smile which I used” you should have a comma before “which” but that doesn’t fit in this sentence, so “Not the fake smile that I used…” is right grammatically speaking. (look at me getting all knowledgeable about grammar!)
Overall I loved everything about it. The characters were original with shining personalities; the plot was great, and flowed well; the setting was good and not just fitted but added to Myrtle’s personality. The dialogue was excellent; tone and mood fitted perfectly with the little we know of Myrtle’s life and you had some really good description.
(note: this is not my full review. Will be going through remaining chapters today, and tomorrow)
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the detailed review! Sorry it's taken me ages to respond. Thanks for your help with the grammar - I'll try to fix those thing soon. I'm really glad you liked this intro! Report Review
It is because I love the originality of your story that I’m going to be harder on you than I have been on the others so far. You have done a really good job of making the American wizarding world and the slight changes to familiar things just make it even more believable. You write well and the hints of what is to come are subtle and don’t give anything away, though I think the occasional big hint wouldn’t hurt your story, even if it was false. An example would be how in the first book, J. K. Rowling led us to believe Snape was the bad guy.
The characters while original, I have the feeling they could be deeper. As it is written in the third person focusing on Patrick, I think the impact of this story would be greater if it either used the third person completely, showing the whole picture (though not obviously) or was written completely in the first person.
The setting seems to be consistent to the characters’ personalities and the dialogue is good and conveys emotion without the need to explain how the words were spoken.
It has good description without going overboard and the tone and mood of the story is consistent and always fits with the situations and how the characters are reacting.
This is a great story. I loved it! There were a few spelling mistakes that I noticed near the beginning but nothing to serious. Well done!Author's Response: Koooool. I'm glad you liked it. Report Review
Ooh! I missed that! I'm better at picking spelling and grammar like here you worte "as crazy smile lightening his face." it would make more sense written "as a crazy smile lighted his face" or "a crazy smile lightening his face."
"Looks like it’s just you and me for the next few hour or so." "hours"
"longing more then ever" "than"
"The roar of the crowds all ready inside were nearly deafening," "The roar of the crowds already inside was nearly deafening,"
All easy mistakes to make, and equally easy to miss. I will be waiting impatiently to read the next chapter. Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out. As soon as the option opens again, I'll go and fix them up. Glad that you liked it. I'm trying to finish up the next chapter so I can get it up ASAP. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hey, long time no review!
Sorry about that, no excuse I have just been lazy. I still love your writing though. With my vast "knowledge" of these things (note the sarcasm) I still couldn't tell you if there's anything wrong. It is so damn hot today. 45 degrees, (that is Celsius). Not that it in anyway affects your story. :-PAuthor's Response: Glad that you liked it. Sorry that it was so hot for you, we have it 45 degrees Freinheit. No problem with being lazy - so am I! Report Review
So it is over. *sigh*
Well all good things must come to an end as they say. I don't know who says it and why. Why should all good things come to an end? Anyway, back on topic, as I recall saying repeatedly (I must say that by no means means I have said it repeatedly it is just how I remember it) I love this story. I would have liked to know what happens to the locket in the end but who cares really? (apart from the whole wizarding world of course). You finished it well. you started it well... you did it all well.
Here is the line from the previous chapter that confused me.
" I had singlehandedly managed to destroy one-half of the Dark Lord’s soul " I'm lead to believe if he hadn't destroyed the locket the part of Voldemort's soul would still be in it. That is what had confused me.
Overall I loved your story and am sad to see it finish. Perhaps I will read through it again when I have time. :-)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lengthy review! I'm a little sad to see it end too, but I suppose the people hoping for more frequent updates of my other stories will be pleased, lol. Thanks for pointing out that sentence, too - I'll go back and change "destroy" to "confiscate" or something... Thanks again for all your lovely reviews! =) Report Review
Did Regulus actually destroy the locket? That's what this chapter leads me to believe but I remember it being swapped, not destroyed unless I have misunderstood something. An option I wouldn't rule out. Don't take too long to update! Author's Response: No, he didn't. Sorry about the confusion. Please let me know if you think of a way I could make that clearer. Anyway, thanks for the review. The epilogue's just been submitted, so hopefully you won't have to wait too long, lol. =) Report Review
I love how original this story is. You could have just made it the Harry Potter series set in America but you didn't. It is better. I love it!Author's Response: I'm so glad you're enjoying it...I hope you read on. There is much of more this world to explore. Report Review
I really like it! It is well written and you kept the characters in... character.
I wish I could give you something, tell you of things you could change or improve but I can't see anything. So good job and update soon!Author's Response: Thank you! An update is on the way. Until then, I hope you will go and read some of my other fics, most of which are sensless and random.
Hobbits Report Review
Hmm... I wonder what this William Quinn guy will be like? There isn't much to comment on in this chapter, all I can say is very good! I love it! Report Review
Intriguing... you have not yet revealed much of the story line and plot, yet it is still very interesting.
It is almost depressing how much better this story is (in my opinion) than my own stories... almost. :)
Very good start! I really like this story, it is so original and well written. I have read too much of the same thing over, and over, and over!
There is a problem with writing a really good story. People like myself don't want to waste time leaving a review, we want to read more, more, more! So I'm off to read more... Report Review
So the Horcrux has not been destroyed?
It was very well written, I like how you described what happened to Regulus as he drank the potion, and a good explanation for why Kreacher is so weird.
It says this story is not yet completed so when will the next chapter be up?Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked this chapter - it's one of my favorites too. And yes, the story isn't done yet - there will be two more chapters. I've started Chapter 13, but it's proving to be the most difficult yet (when you read it, you'll know why...). Also, The Wizard of Uk is long overdue for an update, so that's my first priority now. But I will be sure to PM you when Chapter 13's up. I'm really glad you like this story so much! =) Report Review
So that is how Regulus knew about the locket? The initials R.A.B. made me think immediately of him when I read the book. Well, I'm off to read the next chapter.Author's Response: Well, that's my version. I doubt it's the same as JKR's (if Regulus is indeed RAB), but hey, that's what fanfiction's for! =) Thanks for the review. Report Review
Ooo WEE Ooo!
The Dark Mark ay?
the Floo Regulation Panel hmm?
What kind of mischief will Regulus get up to? I know, I know keep reading. That I will!Author's Response: Yeah, I know the Floo Regulation Panel's a kinda weird twist, but it does have it's reasons. Besides, who doesn't love weird twists, lol? Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
So, Regulus didn't have much choice did he?
I wonder how long it will take him to realise the true motives of Voldemort?Author's Response: you'll see, you'll see. *cackles evilly* just keep reading. =) Report Review
Poor Regulus. How will he deal with this new blow?
I guess I'll go and see...Author's Response: yes, very sad for him, isn't it? =( Report Review
Did you know that Snape is a Halfblood? His father was a Muggle. You mentioned in your story he was a Pureblood. I'm being picky, I know but it's 'cause I like this story so much.Author's Response: Oops... thanks for pointing that out. =) I did know that, but I wrote this chapter so long ago... I'll have to go back and check to see if there was some reason I did that on purpose. It might have been because Regulus wasn't supposed to know that Snape was half-blood yet. When I write, especially in first person, I tend to get so completely wrapped up in that character's brain that everything comes out how they percieve it, even if it's incorrect, lol. Report Review
Hmm... will young Regulus ever find out that the world does not revolve around The Most "Noble" and Ancient House of Black? His belief are very obviously deeply ingrained, so i don't think it will make too much of a difference if he did.
Facinating and absorbing, Regulus is a very real character and the plot so far is in keeping with what we know of the Black family from the books. Don't ever change!Author's Response: Yes, Regulus is quite the brainwashed little child, isn't he? He'll grow up eventually though, lol. Thanks for another great review! I'm excited to see what you think of future chapters! =) Report Review
I love it! love, love, love it! Have I mentioned I love it? Seriously though, I wish I wrote it. Or could write that well but hey, practice makes perfect apparently. Author's Response: wow... glad you enjoyed it that much! i feel very, very happy now. =) Report Review
I liked this story, it was well written and had a plausible plot. The characters were recognisable and interacted well. I can see asolutely nothing to critisise. Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much for the wonderful review! I'm glad you liked it so much, and found it realistic. =) Report Review
It is interesting. You have got my attention and I want to read more.
There is one thing, maybe it's just because it is the first chapter since it got better towards the end of the chapter. But I found the sentance structure a little shakey. Author's Response: Yea, I know, I had a lot of trouble with the first chapter...Thats actually a redo of my original chap that I decided to change, so if you think the sentace struc was bad on this one, you should have seen my original. When I first started writing it, when I got up to chap 5 I think, I went back and read what I wrote, and I was disgusted with myself, so I completely changed chap 1, most of chap 2, and some of chap 3...chapter 8 is also a redo, because I realized that I made things happen too fast, so another idea poped into my head, and if it hadnt, this story would have been over after 8 chaps lol...Thank you very much for the constructive criticism...I really appreciate (not sure if thats spelled right, after all, there is no spell check on reviews lol) your honesty, and I hope you continue reading...Thanks! Report Review
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