Oh Violet! This is absolutely wonderful. I love the feeling of this story and i love the imagery! It was so lovely and so interwoven into the story seamlessly. I felt this story, all the way through. It's a piece of work that sort of speaks to the soul, you know? I think everyone feel that inadequacy sometimes the idea that there are brighter stars out there somewhere. But what i loved about this is that through it, he was able to conquer it, to find a bit more brightness and to let himself shine by giving the ultimate sacrifice. He was able to find that flame in him and fight back eventually. I think that's all you can ever ask of a person. What makes this piece especially sad is that you know that Sirius would never have been willing to do the same. It was a one way street and it was so haunting and beautiful and the same time that Regulus himself recognizes this but still goes through with it.
You should be so proud of this piece because you wield words so beautifully and lead the reader where you want them to go. I loved the ambiguousness of this and the unanswered questions because it seems to point to a bigger story than the one you've just written. I love when authors can do that.
I loved Regulus here. His character just sent shivers down my spine and i just connected to him. His confusion his search for greatness which only led him to disillusion. I loved how you explored that and packed in so much punch as you did so. The idea that he worshipped his brother, the bright flame made this all the more sadder (gah, yes, i just used that word, but i feel a bit incoherent after reading this, so excuse me ;p) because we see these scenes where he's forced into taking the mark, forced beliefs, and then here trying to get rid of the mark. That in itself is a powerful image and evokes a lot of emotions. I especially liked the repetition of the Blackness because there were so many meanings to it for both Regulus and Sirius. I liked how it also portrayed Sirius and that one line characterized Sirius as i've always imagined him, still a Black and can never get away from that, no matter how hard her tries, there is that blackness in him too.
This is just so beautiful and i hope you are incredibly proud of what you've done here because this kind of writing is the writing i want to read in OF. This is the stuff real books should be made of. You're able to pull in to much into this, all these allusions, references and pull them altogether so seamlessly. great job!! Thank you for posting this!
-zayneAuthor's Response: Wow, Zayne, thank you so much for this! It's unexpected and long and wonderful - hopefully that's enough of an excuse for my speechlessness. Usually it doesn't take me so long to respond to reviews, but these long ones have left me sighing and wubbing over them. But it's been well over a month, and I have to respond before things get too out of hand. *hides*
I'm still trying to get over your compliments - right from the beginning, I don't know what to say except for a big thank you! It means a lot that you enjoyed the imagery and the feelings this story evoked - I really wanted to write something seeped in imagery. Some would say that I love imagery too much, but there's something wondrous about losing yourself in it while writing, and I just have to get it out of my system. I didn't expect the story to become so emotional a read - it was meant to be an exploration of a divided mind, but the further I delved in that exploration, the more pain I discovered. Regulus is a tragic figure, plunged into something way above his head, and there was never a chance that he could survive. Even if he had been completely loyal to Voldemort, he couldn't have been anything more than cannon fodder. Against older and more powerful witches and wizards, he would have had little, if no chance in battle. I don't know if he quite becomes an object of pity, but it's close.
*blushes* I'm still not satisfied with it, but I don't hate it. That's more than enough. :P Though you're right that there's a lot more to this story - perhaps it's that ambiguousness that bothers me because I have the larger story in my head, but I couldn't include everything in the story. It's up to readers to find their own answers to the questions - I'm sure that many readers have different questions, too. Regulus has a lot of potential in fanfiction because there's so much blank space surrounding him, so much that's unknown. But no story could ever wholly capture him - there's something too elusive about him. Even his own family didn't know him.
This response has been little more than a ramble, sorry about that. Thank you again for this fantastic review. It means a lot to hear from you, and even more to hear that you liked this story so much. It's made me very happy. ^_^ Report Review
I'm not even sure where to start because the whole thing set me on edge, even the first time through. I was expecting something to happen and his detachment from his emotions gave me shivers. This is the kind of person who'd become a sociopath killer and never feel any guilt or regret.
I could tell that they knew each other, at least, to an extent when I read this the first time. I thought that perhaps it was a best mate of Lysander or something. Someone who had contact with Lorcan enough to know him a bit but also was tainted a bit because their loyalty was to Lysander.
You did a really nice job with the characterization of Lysander. I really wanted to pummel him the whole time for his narcissism and how he looked down on other people. Also though, in this short piece you brought in a lot of interesting characteristics into him. His need for absolute control over himself and his emotions. I expected some sort of disoganized thinking though, or something more sinister to slip into his soul as the story went along but it didn't happen which made the end really shocking and eerie because although i was on edge with his character all throughout, i didn't expect that it would lead to that.
What i thought was really, really interesting is the more i think about it, the more it seems like it was being led up to the moment Lysander found out about Lorcan's love. How he let himself believe that it was just obsession and he seemed to displace perhaps his own obsessions and his own not able to love onto his brother. Which in retrospect makes his actions more believable in the end. I did however feel like this was an outburst, even if he claims earlier that outbursts don't suit him. This is an outburst, he couldn't take his jealousy and although he didn't have fits of rage, his cold, calculating way of killing his brother made that earlier comment seem inconsistent. I think i know why he did it. Maybe he's worried Lorcan's love will mess up his own obsession, his jealousy and his need to be better than Lorcan in everything, including love, made him need to thwart his competition?
It may be because i was just expecting something darker or more haunting but the end didn't have the effect on me like it could have. It was eerie but i'm not sure if this would stick with me and speak to my soul kind of thing (i hope you understand that :p). I'm trying to figure out exactly why and i don't know if I can put it into words because although i enjoyed this piece and it startled me, which may be your only intention, i was waiting for it to chill me. You almost got there and maybe if i saw more motivation or a hint of more backstory i may have been able feel this more. Was this a growing jealousy? Or just a crime of passion (calculated and cold passion but i think that term would still fit here). However, there is an intensity in his act and the story that i very much appreciated and the ambiguousness of it didn't hurt the story for me.
Your descriptions where fine i think. They are shallow here and not as full imagery, but they fit the narrator which is more important. You gave us just enough to know where this was taking place and that's all, but Lysander isn't the kind of person to notice anything but what he's fixated on. You did a great job at showing that though, so lovely work.
Overall though, this was an interesting, eerie piece that I liked reading. This is a well done piece that you should not be too worried about and although maybe it didn't hit me as much as Come, Sugar (which i think you have just learned to wield the genre better), it's still fairly well done. I loved your choice of present tense. I have a soft spot for people who can use present tense well and i think you don't a great job with that and it fit the story so much better than past. Great job WeasleyTwins and thanks for re-requesting! I hope you liked/found the review helpful! :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for reviewing! :)
You know, you're one of my first reviewers on this to figure out that they knew each other - most haven't had the faintest idea - very perceptive on your part!
Thank you! If it's one thing I like that I've done over the years, it's Lysander's characterization in this story. It just sort of flowed onto the page and worked so well.
See, Lysander is just a bunch of contradictions - outbursts don't suit him, but that's exactly what happens; he doesn't think a teenager knows what love is, but he is supposedly experiencing love himself. He is quite the paradox. And yes, that's where I was ultimately leading it to - it was all a setup on my part to bring Lysander over the edge and murder his brother.
I totally understand what you're saying! I would consider editing it, but it's such a dated story (3 years!) in terms of my style, that I'm afraid I would mess up the piece, you know? It's definitely a testament to the progress that I've made as a writer - your reaction is /definitely/ something I will keep in mind as I continue writing!
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I never know how to respond because you're such a lovely reviewer and so honest! (And please, call me Shelby!). Thank you again! I appreciate it so much! :) Report Review
Hi Jami! I'm back for your review! :P
About your first concerns about the first scene, i thought it was done fairly well. It was actually really interesting to see Bellatrix's weird obsession and that it started so early for her. I hope to see progression from her as well though as she probably wasn't always so devoted as we knew her in the books. I liked the fear that she showed though because it made her feel realer to me, more relatable. It also makes me see how she becomes so manic later on because of this drive to always please Voldemort. That was really well done.
With those scenes however, although i liked how they showed a darker side of the war and it brings a lot of really interesting new plots into your story i felt like there should have been more evil. I hope that makes sense, but i kind of expected to be disgusted or scared by Voldemort and he didn't evoke fear in me as i read this. Even with the other DE's, i expected a little more out of them, something a bit more sinister feeling i suppose.
The transition from the first bit to the second was alright. A bit jolting but it wasn't a turn off for me. Although, I feel like now that i've got a taste of the war, i feel like it's effects should be felt in the castle as well more. Perhaps not in this chapter and maybe you've done it in later chapters but don't put the war just in those small segments. It will permeate even the halls of Hogwarts as students will be dealing with the deaths of family and friends. Also, this war is a bit different than the second too as the second Voldemort was after Harry. For most of the first one, he wouldn't have been and would have been more about blood supremacy and chaos.
You handled the retelling/ glossing over of details in the past chapter really well. It's normal for characters and stories to refer back to past actions and past thoughts. For me, i think it makes the story more continuous. It also didn't seem overly redundant either, which is a plus. I'm curious to know what Lily did so that she didn't have a hang-over... had a potion already?
There were times that i thought that some of the ways you describe things could have been done better or i was looking for more that give me a richer look at the scenes/actions. This for example: Sirius strutted I feel like it could have been more creatively done. What does his strut look like? Does he wiggle his shoulders, does he seem like there is a half hop? Make me see how see how he walked rather than just tell me he strutted. I feel like that would highlight his arrogance more and the imagery would hit me harder. Sometimes, when your describing an action/feeling/scent go into more than just a one word description. I hope that makes sense. What you've done is fine, but sometimes it would be nicer to see exactly how it's done as well. I suppose, make us feel how he struts or how someone. It's the classic line, show, don't tell :D
Alrek is weird. I'm not sure if i like him, which isn't bad, of course, it's great when you can write a character that is generally unlikable but still make him a well rounded character. But he's suspicious to me, how does he already know that she's smart and been hearing things about her... didn't he just transfer? There were a few things i think he mentioned in the last chapter that seemed weird that he would know that. This may be intentional and he may just be a stalker with unseen motives or i'm just reading way to much in that... I have a tendency to do that. :P
I was a little worried with all the POV changes. typically though they were consistently done. I noticed at the beginning Bella's POV slipped into Dobby's and then back again. I found that a bit distracting. The end switch to McGonagall's and Dumbledore was the most jolting one however. It didn't seem to fit with the rest of the chapter and felt like an odd place to end. I think it might have been because there was this lead up to the meeting and then suddenly the meeting didn't happen or it did but you skipped it in the narrative and then changed POV's. For me, it just seemed a little disjointed. There would be no issue if you stayed in the same POV but skipped the meeting or glossed over it as you probably don't just want to retell the events of last chapter. (one a side note... wouldn't the Heads know the password?) However, I think i understand the motivation behind that, you want to introduce the Order but i'd just suggest making that transition from Lily's POV to Dumbledore and McGonagall.
On a final note and because i didn't have enough time in the last chapter to mention this but i love what you've done with Peter so far! For one, he EXISTS!!! and two he's not a fat, dim-witted fool!! I could hug you!!
I'm curious what the Marauders will do now since they have an idea how Bella got into the castle... is it going to affect them? Will they consider telling Dumbledore? Will they try to stop her themselves or is everything just going to go on normally?
Anyway! Thanks for requesting me! I hope this review helped a bit and that I covered your questions well enough! Feel free to rerequest :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Ahh actually there won't be much in terms for Bellatrix and character development in this :(. And that's mainly because the DE scenes aren't always told through her. For example, the next one in Chapter 6 is from Lucius's PoV just because it made more sense. So whoever it fits more is really who it will come from. I hope that isn't too disappointing! I'm happy you liked her fear, I loved playing with the idea that having her mark taken from her was worse than any kind of pain.
Yes I've been really working on the show don't tell! I'm happy you pointed that out, I'll have to go through this chapter and really implement what I've been attempting in the later ones.
I'm happy you have your concerns about Alrek, as I've said before *no one* is introduced without a reason, keep your eye on him ;) And you're reading absolutely as far into this as you should be, I strongly suggest you continue that attitude because I do leave a large amount of subtle hints about what else is happening in the next few chapters ;).
They actually did tell Dumbledore about Bellatrix getting in during the meeting. Maybe I could find someway to sum up the meeting to make it more clear and try and keep the PoV's stable? I'll definitely have to look over that!
I'm so happy you like what I'm doing with Peter! He's actually much more fun to write than I originally thought. And I really dislike when he's made into an idiot, because despite the things he did, he still played a double agent for over a year (that's going only on Lexicon dates) and was smart enough to get through it.
So with the castle, that sense of doom (for lack of better words) will of course come. I guess I just can't stand when it seems like everyone's frightened of the war, but we don't actually see what has happened to make them frightened, so I'm trying to start this off at the point where everyone has that 'it's Hogwarts, nothing matters here' mentality and then really show how these students become part of the chaos. The first chapter that really hits into Hogwarts, and shows everyone that even *they* are at danger, is the end of 8/beginning of 9. I'm so excited to see your thoughts on it!
This review was amazingly helpful, I'm anxious to play with different ways that I can make that last scene more clear and yet leave out any monotonous feelings! I hope you enjoy chapter 6!! And seriously, if I'm requesting too much, please tell me! ;). Report Review
Hi! I'm here from the puff review tag and i'm so glad i've chosen this piece!
It's so hautingly beautiful. Every sentence is packed full of meaning and imagery that sent shivers down my spine. This is an incredibly sad piece that makes me feel so sad for Ariana and Aberforth! I love that you've tackled this subject and executed it so well. I think it hit me half way that she was being kept in her limbo state because of Aberforth.
Your descriptions are lovely, i could feel and see everything that you were writing. I love the ambiguousness of the friend of Abertforth and it makes me wonder about her, did she ever give up on him? Is that why we never saw her with him in the books? It just made me feel worse though thinking that he'd been deserted once again.
The last sentence was great, really well done with that. I do wonder though, how are those memories being held on to once that person dies? Or is it because the person never let go in their life that make the ghost stay well past the death of the ones that are holding on?
Anyway, either way, this was a great read and i'm glad i picked it! You have a lovely way with words!Author's Response: Thank you sooo much for this awesome review :D I really tried to make this as vivid as possible, so I'm glad you could see everything :)
I think the woman is of less importance in this piece. She could be anyone, really - a relative, a friend, a stranger; all the same, none of them can really truly console him.
I had to read that last question a few times to get my head around it haha. A very good question and a tricky one too. I think rather than the ghost disappearing with the person when they died, they'd more likely be stuck there. In this, Ariana isn't a ghost in the canon sense of the word. No one else can see her. She's all that's left behind of his memory of her and that is what keeps her bound to the last world. If he dies, she'll never be anything but his last remaining memory, and that was one that never let her go. So she'd be stuck.
WHO KNOWS THOUGH, EH? I'm just talking waffle. I'm glad you enjoyed :D Report Review
yes, this chapter was a marathon, but it wasn't hard to get through. There was enough happening in it to keep it going that it really didn't feel like it was dragging. However, i don't know where to start with this review! There was just so much! :P Be warned, this may be a long review!
I think you started off this chapter really well! I was very engrossed with your description and you way of telling the story. It was quite lovely and I liked how it just seemed like it was taking part in a school. So many put their plot at Hogwarts but forget that school is actually part of it. So it is refreshing to see that as an important part of the story.
Character-wise I think you have some nice things done here. I really enjoyed Remus and i think you played into some of his better traits here. Using his empathy, intuition and cleverness to try and help Lily. The story was particularly clever and i think it's clear to what he's talking about. However, how that part is structured is a worded a bit awkwardly, I think I just tripped over some of the sentences themselves. Which I think may be why people may get a little confused. I did want to see a little more from the story however, maybe how it tore the boy to pieces as that part was sort of glazed over for me. It seemed like the boy dealt with everything like a champ. I suppose I get why you did that, for the sake of the story perhaps he just wanted to let Lily know that you can get through tough situations. I feel like if we felt the anguish the boy felt at that time or continued to feel would have made it more impactful.
I liked the playful arrogance of James here when Lily barged into the room. I like how we see his funny side and we begin to see the man she falls in love with. I imagine that she actually did like his confidence and humour to an extent. That scene however brushed even more on the heads sharing a dorm cliche. I'm trying to ignore it as i know you've said there are reasons behind what you do, but be careful with littering your story with moments like that as, to me, it seems bit of a contrived plot point to create tension between them.
Lily here seemed great, especially at the beginning. I felt like you really showed why Sluggie liked her so much and showed her dedication to excellence. I also thought that her needing to know what James was up to seemed like her too as i don't think she'd be someone to let things go. However, her needing to get drunk to drown her feelings seemed a bit OOC as are we sure that Lily has discovered her feelings for James yet or are you doing this as to show this unconscious attraction she has for him? I can see her drinking perhaps and it would make an interesting characteristic for her, but I’m not sure if she’d turn to it in jealousy. Anyway, i'd be interested to see where this is going with this and how you are going to use it.
I was impressed with Sirius. I'm usually quite critical when it comes to him but i think that you've done a good job with him, even if we haven't seen a lot of him at this point. I'm still interested in what part he play's with Lily on that night her parents died as you hinted that 'people lie' in your response to me on my first review. The answer to that has been tantalizing me as i continue to read! The only advice i could give you with him is to be careful with him and Belle. Give them time to grow and give her a character that is full of weaknesses and strengths like a real person. Too many authors fall into the trap of giving Sirius a pretty lady and nothing more. But think, who would Sirius actually fall for? Maybe someone who can match his wit, but remember that he is a damaged and dark man as well. This may play into the kind of woman he falls for. Anyway, i'm interested in seeing where they go and how you continue to write them!
The party itself seemed a little odd, the blonde kissing James, McGonagall approving the party and so forth. I think it started with McGongall approving it and giving him the captainship. It felt a bit uncanon to give that as term is in session (same as the heads from what I gathered, they had no idea they were heads until the Feast, that struck me as odd that they’d get no forewarning or no time to prepare for the position, plus it shows in the books that the prefects get their badge during summer and so did Harry get the captainship then I believe). That made me disbelief her giving permission for it as it seemed to be forced.
Also, during the party itself with James, maybe he was a bit drunk, but would it have taken that much time for him to push her off that she was able to keep her mouth on his neck long enough to give him a very visible love bite?
About your question with the flashback, yes, I think the smell is a very strong sense and can bring back incredibly powerful and potent memories. I’m also glad you brought back Petunia because I felt like she had gotten forgotten and since she was such an important part to her grief I hope she doesn t remain forgotten.
I like the name of the prospects and I'm not sure if I really understood all they were talking about so it made it harder to understand why they were being so strongly opinionated however I was definitely interested in them. Overall, I think that you have an interesting concept here and I like how Remus was being sneaky, even with Lily in tow. I like how it shows his mischievous side as well as we rarely see that side of him in many Marauder stories. About your question about Bella, I wouldn't say you made it incredibly clear that it was really odd and strange that she made it in, maybe it was because Remus didn't seem very shook up by it all. His actions speak louder than his words.
Great chapter though, i'm curious to know where how this transfer student is going to play out and what's your motivation to bring them in. It seems like you're taking cliches and trying to work them into plot to prove that they can be used! Great job! :DAuthor's Response: Zayne you have no idea HOW badly I want to answer the questions you've pointed out in this! Or answer your points of CC, I suppose. Belle! You'll love her, or you'll at least love what kind of person she is for Sirius. She's probably too blunt to be lovable, but I promise that she has a lot of very important back story that slowly comes out that will make it clear why Sirius is drawn to her. I can also tell you that you get a bit of that in Chapter 7 :)! Lily drinking, I actually didn't mean for it to really relate to James at all, more of the fact that she's been trying to forget everything and stay busy, and that just threw her off enough to have her fragile emotional state crumpling. You'll see her explain that more for herself in chapter... 6 :).
Actually I thought the same thing about not being clear enough when I went back to edit your lovely suggestions for chapter 3, so now that includes Dumbledore explaining to them why he waiting until term to tell them, which was also Mcgonagalls reason for waiting to present him with captain. But it's no secret, it was just because he wanted to see them for himself before he decided if they could handle it after the summer they had. If you want to read that put into better words, it's in chapter 3 which is now validated :).
I like the idea you've pointed out for Remus, I think I'll definitely go back through and work on that a bit. And see if I can spot the oddly worried sentences!
The party with James and the blonde, again I know it feels incomplete, but it'll make more sense in chapter 6 ;). I told you that I wanted to answer your questions! Haha! Also, can you remember any blondes (besides Belle) you make have briefly met? (cough cough).
Don't worry, you weren't supposed to understand the prospects just yet. You'll find out more in the next chapter, but it will still be very rocky.
Thank you so much for this awesome review, you've given me a lot of good things to think about as well as showing me that the points of curiously I'm trying to install are working :).
Also, just added chapter 8: No More Secrets, into the queue, which is Sirius's tell all chapter. :D!
Thanks again so much for your support, it's so wonderful to find a reviewer that really pays attention and *reads* the chapter/story. I have already stalked out your review thread for chapter 5.. if I turn into a bother let me know! ♥
Hi! I'm here for your requested review! :D
So i think it's interesting that you've decided to bring the Tournament back, especially since it hasn't been that many years since the last disastrous one. Some of the new rules are interesting, and i especially liked how you're doing a few different schools that we haven't really heard about. Also that the tasks themselves are going to be in each school. That's an odd twist but i think it can work.
You say that there is an age limit of 15 or safety's sake but i can't help but want to know why they've lowered to age for safety's sake. It would be great to see the motivation behind that as it'll make your story feel more real and rounded. Also, I hope i'll see their motivation to bring it back as Voldemort rising from the other is a pretty big deal and i think having another tourny may generate a bit of fear. Are you going to be dealing with this?
There were a few grammar issues that i feel getting a beta would greatly improve this story. There were things like run on sentences or just awkwardly phrased lines that i found a bit distracting. For example:
relationship a he scratch the 'a'
I could hear Emerson's hysterical walks (did you mean wails?)
There was also a couple sentences that i've copied and pasted that seemed a bit inconsistent with the rest of your story.
The Forbidden Forest is, of course, forbidden. (this wasn't inconsistent, but it reflected too much of Dumbledore's own wording when he did his own speech, there were a few other lines in Sprout's speech that seemed to be taken from Dumbledore. She is her own person, so to make her own characterization stronger, give her own words)
you had to climb seven steps. That prevented boys from getting into the girls' dorms. (how does seven steps prevent boys from getting into the girls dorm?)
“The one that you dad saw also had Voldemort, but nobody mentions that.” I pointed out. (Although i think it's interesting that you've made it seem like it's a very taboo subject, this interest is counteracted because just a few paragraphs before Sprout herself mentioned it. It just seems a bit inconsistent to me, but maybe Sprout is different and she is the only one who speaks of that. If she is, then elaborate that with later chapters.)
I noticed that when you did describe things, you would go the whole nine yards and say a lot of unneeded details. Like when you are describing her dorm. It got a little repetitive with the continuous repetition of 6. It doesn't seem to be done for stylistic sake so i'd probably say we got the point that there was six of everything after the first time. I liked that you were trying to give us readers a picture of the rooms as we haven't seen the Slytherin rooms in canon but as i'll be mentioning below, use all the sense rather than just sight to describe. I find that helpful anyway when I write.
I think you have a nice start with your main character however and she's interesting to read about. You've put in some hints of some later characterization for her which make me wonder how she got to that point and what will that mean for her later? Like it seems like she doesn't like to be alone and if she does she thinks everyone has disappeared? Scorpius and her have great interactions and they seem comfortable with each other. I'm interested to see if that will stay like that or if there will get some wear and tear over this year. You've set up questions to be answered so that is a great thing for a first chapter as you want people to wonder about where you're headed so good job with that.
I'd really like to see more description and narrative as well as it seems to lean a bit towards dialogue here. I like to imagine that i'm sitting there with the characters and as they talk i look around and notice what happens around them. Obviously, not everything you notice will be written here, but it'll help balance the story out and give a bit more for the reader to imagine. (like what are the character doing when they are talking to each other? What do they smell, hear, feel? If you include the senses the reader is going to be able to relate to your story more.)
I hope this review wasn't ubber critical or anything as i felt like it was a bit heavy laden with that. I don't want to you feel like this is a bad piece of writing or anything because it isn't. I think it's really commendable that you're trying out this idea and i wish you much luck on it! I hope you found this review helpful and if you liked it, please feel free to re-request. :PAuthor's Response: Wow this thing is huge. I love it!
So I'm not even going to bother to try to respond to all of this, since I'm half asleep and probably couldn't manage it fully awake anyway, but I'll be referencing this review a lot. Thanks so much! Report Review
I'm here to thank you for your work in the house cup and for being such a star in the podcast reviews! I know this is ubber late, but better now then never :D This is also my 200th review!! yah!
This is a really great beginning! I loved the simplicity of some of the narrative and yet you get the angst and the confusion across so well. I like how you slowly build up to him wondering what's the point of hanging on anymore and how he's so close to just stepping over the line to madness.
That does make me wonder what happened to his family and why Lysander and his parents have complete forsaken him. Four months really isn't that long so it makes me wonder what happened within those four months that drove them away. Was it his insistence that she was real? Or was it something else?
I like that your exploring mental instabilities (or is it?) and you seem to be doing a really great job of it. I've heard of this particular one before I think, or at least, heard of something where people think that there are demons or a whole different world out of the periphery of our eyes. So i think this is going to be a really interesting read for sure! I'm really hoping that she's real because i think that would add such a weird and dark aspect to this story and i'm looking forward to where you're taking this ;D
Great job Maybe with this piece and i think you've done an excellent job with the prologue! I've always been wary of them because they can just be extraneous information the author puts in but i think that this really sets the stage for later on. Report Review
Hi manno! I'm here for your review :D
I wouldn't be worried about the change to be disappointing at all! It did take me a couple minutes to get orientated to it but i honestly like how you've done it. It's really neat because it's a story being written within another and i've always liked stories that do that. It also gives you a little leeway with the other chapters that will focus on the Peverall brothers as now we know that it's a story being written by someone else. To an extent anyway it will allow you to get away with more. Another thing i find really neat with this idea is that the stories are going to parallel each other to an extent as we now know that the story is based off a real life one. So it'll be giving a lot of background information to what happened to Alphard and Jenny and Scorpius through the eyes of Ignotius.
I like Val, she's interesting and quirky and the whole tone you write her in is really unique and different. It makes me really connect to this chapter and these characters, probably more than i did with the characters in the first. I don't think she rambled too much, it was kind of sweet and funny how she'd start thinking about bubbles and tea scalding etc.
There were times that her rambling got a little confusing and hard to understand like this for example:
If I'm not used to burning myself with tea –I have the attention span of a two-months-old infant, even a fish is more attentive– I probably would've been crying by now.
I understand what you were trying to say but I feel like it got a little convoluted. There were some other instances of this throughout which were a little distracting. Mostly just sentence structure kind of things and nothing that a couple extra comma's or a beta wouldn't be able to help you out with :D But yeah, those are the things that stopped the flow of this from being perfect.
I'm interested in Alphard, a twin of Scorpius who doesn't have magic. I think that's an interesting dynamic but i hope you explore it further so as to explain it more. It can make sense in my head because if there is a lot of pureblood intermarriages, i think that things just get screwed up in the genetics and makes squibs more likely to happen. Is this your reasoning? whatever it is, i'd love to see it in the story itself. Also, how did Draco take having a squib son? This is very interesting to me how that all played out and i think you've introduced a of questions here to make me really interested in the outcome of this story.
Description wise, I'll repeat what Alphard said ;) is that there does need to be a bit more description here. Generally i think you did a descent job but i think that a bit more would help balance your story out. For example, Astoria was quite present at the beginning of the story, but then as the dialogue continued between Val ad Alphard she sort of faded out. How i try to do it in my work is that i pretend that i'm sitting with my characters and as they're talking i'm looking around and noticing what's happening in the surroundings. Obviously not all that you notice needs to be brought in but it does help give a bigger view of what's happening in your story. I hope that makes sense and i'm not just talking jibberish. :P
I hope you found this review helpful to you and overall, i really enjoyed this chapter and thought you brought in a lot of interesting questions in my mind that would make me want to continue reading this. Good job and feel free to rerequest if you liked this review ;DAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thank you for coming back with yet another marvellously helpful review; it really means a lot to me.
I'm quite happy that this chapter hasn't made the story seem less interesting. I really had considered cutting out this whole Valeria-Alphard part and secluding it in an individual novel, so you have no idea how relieved I am to know that it hasn't been disappointing. And having you guys see a portion of what happened with Alphard, Scorpius, and Jenny through Ignotus's (and a few other people's) eyes is exactly what I am aiming for, even if it'll be mixed up with a bit of fiction created by Val.
I'm glad you mentioned the adjective quirky when it comes to Val; she is, after all, Luna's daughter. She must have some quirkiness in her blood. I'm also glad that you find her interesting as she's my representative in the fictional world. When I have her rant about the problems I'm facing with the stories of the Peverells, she and Alphard help me find solutions.
And I'll try to work my around those unnecessary sentence and straighten them out. :)
As much I wish I could include everything about Alphard's life in this story, I know that I can't. Things like Draco's reaction to having a squib for a son is something that's happened in Alpahrd's past, one that Valeria wasn't there for and will mostly make up. Nonetheless, the issue will be touched further on in the story.
And your advice regrading description seems to be very helpful! I sort of get what you're trying to say and I'll try to apply it. You are definitely right about Astoria disappearing all of a sudden in the kitchen.
Thank you so much for this review and I surely will request once the next chapter is ready and up.
Hey Jami! I'm here for your request :D
So, i like how this is a natural continuation from the last chapter and I like that you're introducing some other characters slowly. It's nice to see a full cast of characters come into play but i really appreciate how you're doing it slowly and not just throwing them all at the readers at once. Which would definitely be character and info overload so i think that's really great. You've focussed on James and Lily and Sirius in the first 2 and now you've introduced Frank a bit and there is this mysterious Belle who's also floating about :D
Speaking of Frank and Alice though, they were in Hogwarts before the Marauders. I know that's such a small canon thing but it does get under my skin a little when i see them in their year, kind of like how sometimes people put Lucius in that year as well. They were fully fledged and respected aurors by the time they were tortured. Something i'd see as nearly impossible if they graduated the same year as Lily and James. (auror training is three years i think and they wouldn't be respected being rookies)
I wouldn't worry about the cliche at the moment. It really just matters how you use it and what their purpose is. It only annoys me when it's just there for some contrived plot point, but you say that it becomes important later on so i will withhold my judgement for now. XD
I'm not actually sure what I feel about this chapter, character wise to be honest. I know i mentioned that i wanted to see a spark of Lily trying to be strong in the last chapter so i feel weird that i'm commenting on this now. But at this point, especially since the last chapter was so heavily focussed on her grieving and this one she's feeling joy and strange new feelings for James. It was too much of a juxtaposition for me. I think her own grief would sort of take precedence over romantic inclinations and i think it would be too early for her to realize this heart jumps and the like. Don't be afraid to let them take it real slow and have Lily come to a slow realization of seeing James in a new light. Also, i guess i just didn't really feel like she would've let him take her to bed without any complaint, especially after their fight. I think she might still want to prove a point or she's just uncomfortable with the whole situation. From what we know of Lily in your story so far is that she hasn't had any romantic feelings for James before and doesn't want to be just a notch on his bedpost. So, it seems fast, that in a course of chapter she's feeling something and is asking herself why she's so scared of it. The last weeks probably showed her something of his character but again, back to her grief, I'm not sure if she'd be thinking clearly about James as a potential mate.
About Lily's outburst, although there were parts that i obviously didn't agree with (which is what i mentioned above) it was interesting to see and i'm not sure if this is where you are going with her outbursts. But i think it would be kind of neat to see that a consequence of her grief she becomes a lot more emotional and has a lot of these sort of outlashes at people (not just James but her other friends as well) Anyway, that's just what i imagined as i read it and i do think that having her little attacks do make sense because when you're grieving sometimes you can take it out on other people and show a different emotion like anger because they want to feel something other than sadness. So yes, that part i liked :D
James wise, i'm a little uneasy here too with him. I liked how you show him flair some anger at Lily. I feel like a lot of writers make him this perfect match for Lily and is just this patient never wavering in his love for Lily. So i did like that he got irritated and mad, it showed a human side to him. I think you also did a good job with showing him consistently with your version of him. He's still the same person as the last chapter so great job with doing that! Also, I know our headcanons of him are different so take this with a grain of salt, but i'd like to see his motivations to why he thinks they'd be a perfect match. The impression i've gotten from this story so far is that they didn't know each other well before this year, so i'd like to see eventually why he thinks they're so perfect for one another. And he just seems to wonderful here, don't forget that he's also just a teen boy. Even his anger didn't take away from this wonderful picture because as soon as he got back he was back to cooing over Lily as if they had been married for 10 years.
I hope all that makes sense and I feel like i'm being ubber critical of this chapter and i don't want you to feel like i hated it or anything. I'm a bit more critical when romance is the driving force behind the story so that may be why. I think there were some great things that you've written, McGonagall for instance i thought you did a great job, even if we only saw her for a moment and i like Dumbledore, you showed that wise side of him and made it look so easy!! Great job with that because i can never do it! :D I also really liked the idea of the castle changing itself to suit the needs of the students. It played along the idea of the Room of Requirement.
Thanks for requesting from me and i hope you found this helpful and not overly harsh! I definitely didn't mean for it to be! :P Feel free tom come back and request again if you liked this.Author's Response: Ahhh I know what you mean about Alice and Frank, but I just couldn't resist. Although I have thought about how to get them in the position of respect they'd be at at the point of death, so I'm excited to see of what you think of that when we get to it ;).
Hmm... your comments on this chapter really make a lot of sense. I think my biggest problem is that I write this like everyone knows what happened those three weeks, and they just don't (obviously because it's in my head). With Lily - yes, this emotional roller coaster is definitely not just directed at James. The next chapter she has a really good talk with Remus, and that sets the road to helping things, but then when she thinks James does something stupid she just lets her crazy amount of roller coaster-ness get the best of her and doesn't handle this well.
There's not much I can respond to with this, because I actually really agree with it all. Oh! And the perfect match. That (to me) is kind of just James acting like a spoiled brat. Haha. I think if I decide to keep that though, there are better ways to portray it. Okay! I'm going to rewrite!! Thank you so much for your help!!
Okay - I just paused in this response and rewrote the chapter. Parts of it! I think you're going to be really pleased.
Hey! I'm here for the TGS review swap :D
You started off with some lovely description. It really had me entranced with the story from the beginning. I think my favourite bit was the description actually because it just flowed so easily and you have a really lovely way of showing the actions of interactions of characters here. I liked especially how you included the actions when the characters were speaking as i feel like it really gave me something to picture. I find that many stories i've read recently have been forgetting that and it's like the characters are hovering in space. So great job with that.
Speaking of your description, however, i felt like it started out really well as i mentioned but i felt like as the chapter went on it fell a little by the wayside.
I think this was a really nice start to your story. There is a lot of conflict that you've already set up and a lot of emotions. This raises a lot of questions and curiosity for me and makes me interested in what is going to happen next. However, I also kind of feel like i've been sort of dropped into the middle of a story rather than a first chapter. I think this is probably just because i haven't read Wildflowers though and i feel a bit behind on what is going on and i felt a little removed from the emotions that Elsa was having. I also had a hard time really connecting to Sirius and her as well. But i'm sure that this would be different if i had read Wildflowers and if i continued reading the rest of this story. So i don't really think it's anything to worry about. I still think there is enough here to be a stand alone story and wouldn't be too hard for the reader to become adjusted too once they started reading it.
Even if i said i felt a bit removed from her emotions, i think you did a terrific job at exploring them and being able to show what a tough time she must be having because of not only getting her dad back but losing Damon. As i mentioned before i think i would be more attached if I had read Wildflowers.
Overall, i enjoyed the beginning of this story and I think you have done a great job an introducing conflict and it makes me wonder were you are going to take the rest of this story! Great job! Report Review
Hi! I'm here for your requested review!
I don't even know where to start on this kind of story! I just want to fall into mush and hug Snilly for all it's worth! I've never thought of them as an actual couple or ever had a notion that it was anything more than unrequited love. But you made me believe ever single moment of this. There is very few stories that i read that make me believe the pairing so full heartedly as this. Usually they're written in such a way that the characters fit well enough together but this just felt like you couldn't take one without the other. I think the fact that you haven't read many Snilly's actually works in your favour here because you haven't been tainted by how other people see them. It makes this story so fresh and alive like new parchment.
Your take on Lily is absolutely mind jarring and absolutely lovely. There is something about her that i really just like because she's so real. She's definitely recognizable in a weird way. She's different from a lot of Lily's i've read and i think you really executed her well and made me believe her. I think there are many people who try to break the mary-sue Lily who's both fire-y and passionate yet booksmart and good. I think this is is the best rendition of that that i've ever read. I'm not sure why and i'm not sure i can express my awe with coherent words but I like this version of her, a lot.
Severus too, i've never read something that's ever captured his emotions for her so fully. I haven't read many Severus stories myself which may attribute to that but at the moment i'm not sure if i want to because i feel like you really captured something really beautiful here. He just seems like Severus. So utterly and inescapably him. I love how you didn't make them just end when he uttered that word but made it drag out across the rest of their lives. It wasn't the end of a chapter of that life but rather it kept coming back, poking wounds into both of them.
The flow and coherency is absolutely stunning. I loved the disjointed moments you showed and how they all seemed to revolve mostly around his encounters with Lily. There were times that there was some break-up with the flow and i was confused at where some of his thoughts were coming from and where they were going. It was mostly nothing serious and i feel like it actually added to the story. People's thoughts are usually disjointed to an extent and they can be all over the place and sometimes they don't make perfect sense. So the fact that there was sometimes (and trust me, it was few and far between) a bit of confusion it does not hinder your story at all.
I'll point out one of them although it's not a big deal, but it was with the paragraph were the doorbell rings and and he's asking about difference and what would have made a difference. I think this was an important moment and showed something really beautiful in parts of it but it was one of those that it didn't hit me as hard as the others and i felt a little more removed from them there. I think i was waiting for something to put them in a specific time or location or give them something a bit more concrete to hang onto.
Speaking of some time and space issues, i suppose another thing i noticed was that there were times i felt like there was a bit of switching within the text itself between past and present and i wasn't sure what time he was speaking of. However, as i write this i still feel like it wasn't that big of deal because it does show this disjointed emotional train wreck he's on. I'm sorry, that's not helpful at all because it doesn't give you a thought of whether it needs work or not because in the end, i still would think it's a beautifully written story no matter what.
Another thing and don't think this as any means of a deal breaker and it's probably because so many people have used this as a plot device that it's started to turn me off a little. It's the use of the death of James' parents that suddenly makes him a better person. Although i understand death can make a person want to be better or that it can change their perception of life, i just don't see it as something that can suddenly make James a viable option for Lily. I feel like there would have had do be something else she saw in him that made her fall for him. I think this also seemed a little off for me because it was so glazed over in this story that it made it seem a bit superficial to why she chose him. But maybe it just made her see him better. I don't know. I'm definitely not saying go into more detail of how it changed him though because it wouldn't suit this story and i'm not sure if i'd even suggest changing it at all. It just made me frown a bit but it's probably just my own preconceptions of the use of death rather than anything wrong with the story.
I'm sorry, i don't feel like this is a very helpful review, i just wanted to do some mindless keyboard smashing because i loved it so much. Honestly though, this piece was so lovely all the way through. You had me drooling at your writing and i'm quite jealous that you were able to express this story using such beautiful imagery and description. I'm a legit pool of mush here! Bah! Such beautiful work.Author's Response: Hey there!
I loved this review. I know you said that you weren't much help, but you helped me a lot nonetheless. I've edited the reason Lily fell in love with James now, because you're right. I never gave it much thought before, but now that I think about it that IS how many people think it happens. I think I was more focused on Lily's aspect of it; that she had lost a father. But I've changed it now and I actually think it's better this way. (James wants to change the world with her). As soon as I changed it, it just kind of fit into her characterization as a fierce girl, wanting to do a difference. I've been looking at the other part too, and I've tweaked it a bit, plus some new stuff just came out and it was added to the story - that's just how it always work out whenever I edit my stories...
I am so, so happy you liked my characterization of the two. I really wanted Lily to be strong-willed, fierce and loyal. But I've just had enough of her goodie-two-shoes image? That was me breaking that image, in case you didn't notice :p I also don't believe you just stop caring for your best friend/the person who showed you the world you belong to. I don't believe she would be able to let go of that connection.
So this review was absolutely a help, I'm really happy you liked it. And I'm happy it was a breath of fresh air to all the other Snilly stories out there. Thank you so much for reviewing and for those kind words. Report Review
Hi! I'm sorry how long it's taken me to review! Honestly i hadn't realized that the whole month slipped by without me getting to this story! I feel so bad!
Anyway, I think i really liked this chapter. I loved how you broke the sections down and i think it fit her depression perfectly. Usually i don't like the line breaks and think it's awkward but i think that it really fit with this specific story really well. The disjointedness of it really brought out her depression and made me feel what she was at the same time. It sort of also made me feel like those were her only sort of lucid moments and she was sort of flashing in and out of her feelings. This was really cool to read it that way because it made me think there was a lot more to the story than you wrote about.
I liked how your portrayed her depression as i've mentioned before and i think that it was very real. There were some parts with Lily herself that i wasn't sure if she'd handle it that way. That may be because of my head canon for her but i see her as a bit stronger and i suppose i wanted to see her trying to fight past it or at least hold onto a shred of herself. Now, if your canon of her is different and you're trying to show something different in this story than ignore this. :D
Another thing i was wondering about was Violet, this probably seems small but i'm very weary of skeptical of the whole fan club thing of James and Sirius. Although it wasn't serious here, i felt flashes of mad women throwing themselves at the two boys. I don't know if this is in the future for this story but i'd just be careful with it and i do believe cliches can be written well if the author is being intentional about it. :D
I like James here too, he has this quiet strength that i've always imagined him to have. I know he would have eventually grown up and this does seem like something that may knock some sense into him. I think he has great potential to be a really strong figure and i liked how he's found that strength here. However, I felt like i needed to see more of that growth for me to really believe that he's growing up beside Lily's grief. I think that although this quiet strength of him is true, I think it would be more believable if we saw the journey of him discovering it and discovering his maturity. It felt like it happened overnight for him. Maybe see some more reflection from him or make it clearer in the first chapter of where he was maturity wise so that we have a better backdrop for this chapter. But yeah, the transition was a bit too quick for me, i think he would definitely be there for Lily and i think this would help her see another part of him. But i just felt like there was something off about the interactions. It might have been that she just accepted his comfort without really questioning it and was incredibly willing to or that i just didn't feel like he would be at that point quite yet.
Saying that, it wasn't really that bad and i could still read and enjoy it as it was. I think how you've done it is believable to an extent and i think there would only have to be a few tweaks to make it even better.
Flow was really really great! Spot on really, it was so easy to read and picture and i felt like there wasn't anything that made me wonder how you had come to that thought or that action. Really great job with that, i honestly loved it.
I did really enjoy this chapter and i think you did a really great job with it overall. It makes me really interested to know where you're taking this and what you have planned. :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Hi darling! Thanks so much for this review, and you've finally pushed me to add something that I've been thinking about, which is starting this the night before the Hogwarts Express and revolve a lot around what's been happening the last three weeks. So, thank you for finally giving me the motivation to do that, because I really think it's the necessary transition I need to make the strength and growth James shows here realistic.
It may also have to do with the fact that I've never really seen him as that immature. He was a prankster and overly loved, but I feel like after the 'mudblood' incident things improved from there on out, so in my head canon he's already turning into a young adult then seeing what Lily's suffering through just really puts him into a position to show his own maturities.
But, I also realize that a lot of people don't have the same head canon so I'm happy that you mentioned it seeming too quick, because like I said I've been playing around with an idea and you've made me want to try it now :)!
This is a hard road for Lily, you'll see her strengthen as time goes on, but it was important to me to show that it wasn't the same kind of pain as breaking up with a boyfriend or learning that her grandma is ill. But right now she isn't Lily Evans that defied Voldemort and did so many incredible things, she's just a seventeen year old girl whose lost her entire family. I wish I could say that you'll see some drastic improvement soon, but you really don't for the next few chapters. You will see improvement of course, and around chapter six is when she's finally getting back to Lily, but until then she's still struggling with all these emotions and trying to figure out how to move on knowing that she's basically completely alone in the world.
I'm so happy you liked the flow!! And I'm very thankful that you pointed out how quick James seems to change, I'm really excited to work on that a bit.
Thanks for this awesome review!! Finding things I can improve with this story is one of my favorite things, and of course I'm extremely happy that you liked this chapter as a whole :)!
Jami Report Review
Hello! I'm here for your review request!
I'm sorry it's been a few weeks! August has just flown by me without my consent!
This was quite lovely, I really like Regulus but unfortunately I don't read enough of him! So i'm so glad that this story featured him in his brightest of moments. It's a really important moment too because it's there we realize that Dumbledore died for something that had already been done.
So it was interesting for one to see that part repeat itself and parts of it did remind me of Dumbledore's experience with the locket. Which was nice to see the continuity with that and grounded this piece in canon.
I really liked how the dynamics of the family was explored here. It's really interesting to see how much Sirius was so loved and it killed me to think that Regulus was made to feel inferior to anyone. But it was drilled into him as a child and it would make sense that he would both love and hate his brother. Also, what would drive him to try to be brighter. He looked in so many different ways to distinguish himself and it didn't seem he found it till the very end. I'm also a big fan of themes and the theme you had here with the stars was really nicely done and fit in with your piece perfectly.
I also liked how at the end of his life and when the madness overtook him he thought of his family and those huge moments of his life. It really helped flesh Regulus out as a character and made me sympathize with him. I just wanted to hug him and tell him not to give up on life.
The challenge prompt seemed a bit oddly placed and didn't really suit the mood. I think it could have easily but when i read it, it seemed more disjointed and threw me out of the story. Maybe if there was a better lead up to that emotion, a stronger sense of his fear or confusion of his act and it might have fit in better.
I also sort of expected more pureblood supremacy from his parents. We know from Sirius that they believed that Voldemort had the right idea and even though that doesn't have to be a prominent plot point i think it should have been mentioned a little more than it had to really help characterize Orion and Walburga better.
Other than that though, i really enjoyed this and it flowed fairly well, there were some grammar issues but nothing big that really disrupted the flow of the story. I really enjoyed the description and narrative as well, it is a really well written piece and i'm so glad you requested from me! feel free to stop by me thread anytime :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Hello!! It's fine! I understand :D I didn't even realise that it's nearing the end of August until today :(
I'm glad you said that because I actually had to research everything to do with the cave to try and make it as accurate as possible (with the exception of rowing the boat - I thought a minor uncanon moment there would be okay :$) so I'm really happy you do think it's canon.
I think I've always had a soft spot for Regulus when learning about what he did. There's so much mystery behind the dynamics of the Black family and I think that Regulus was just so interesting to learn/imagine about.
About their parents, I only decided to show their feelings towards the two boys. My main idea was to convey how much love they had for Sirius because he was the true heir, but I do guess it woudln't hurt to add some snide comments :P
I'd like to thank you for reviewing this piece! I really appreciate it :D Report Review
This has taken a while but i wanted to thank you so much for all your work in the HC and especially with all the podcast reviews! You were such a star!
I really like how you've done this story and the perspective you chose to write it from is unique for me because i rarely venture into Pansy tales. I love how you've chosen to tell it from the moment she was escorted out of Hogwarts. I've always wondered about it and i think you did an excellent job at portraying the Pansy we all know from the books. I find that some authors when they write characters that were pretty jerkish in the books try to make them nicer around the edges (like Draco for instance) because they want readers to relate to them better. You didn't do that and were able to just show her for what she was. Sure, i can't really relate to her but i appreciate that she's stayed in canon.
You did a great job with writing in a bunch of little details, like how she was listening for the animal grunts and the cries of terror to Milly holding the edges of her pillowcase. It almost seemed to show how Pansy related to house elves and expected them to have a certain stance or something. Anyway, it was really nice because i love when authors pay such close attention to details like that! It also just showed her really pureblood attitude toward the whole war and although it really irritated me you really dug into who she was as a person at that time.
I particularly liked her never fading belief that her side would win. She leaves no other option and her steadfastness makes me almost believe it along with her. I liked how she showed her belief as well by being the one to take care of all the young purebloods and thinking she'll be rewarded for it later. You really made her unlikeable in some of her shallow thinking and one-sidedness. But through this chapter i couldn't help but think how fleshed out as a character she seems to be. You've taken a generally unlikeable character and made her just as unlikeable and yet i'm still interested in her story so great job with that!
The ending was really nice as well because you just see that she's just a reflection of what she's grown up with. She's mirroring her mother with exactly how she deals with issues, she ignores them and waits for the outcome. It makes me think of how may other things in her life she's simply mirroring. It makes her a very shallow character but there is so much you can build on.
Great job with this, i loved reading it and i'm definitely going to try and continue on with it.Author's Response: Hey! You were just as brilliant with the HC and don't worry about the time- look at how long it took me to respond to this review (in my defense, I was on vacation...). :)
I'm so glad that you enjoyed the manner in which I started off this story. You're not alone in finding Pansy-stories unusual... I think I've only read one or two myself. And I'm glad that you think I did a good job portraying her. We didn't see a lot of her in the books but we did see enough to get a sense of what is or isn't canon for her.
I don't think that Pansy would be Pansy anymore if she wasn't so prejudiced and narrow-minded. It certainly is harder, but I do think it is possible to make a character "human" without removing their rough spots. Not all humans are good and I think that it's possible to even get to like those characters if you understand why they're doing what they're doing.
I'm glad that you liked the details I included! I find that sometimes I focus too much on one thing and then forget to describe the whole... And I don't think that happened in this chapter, which I'm happy about. And yes, as irritating as her pureblood thoughts can be, I don't think that she would have been thinking anything else that night. What reason would she have to believe that Voldemort would lose?
As I mentionned before, I'm glad that you liked how I portrayed Pansy here. It's how I pictured her reacting in those scenes and I truly believe that she held no doubts that Voldemort would win. Yes, she can be unlikeable... But I hope that she grows on you as you follow her in her story.
I'm glad that you liked the ending (and how many times have I said "I'm glad" in this response?). Pansy truly is a reflection of her upbringing, as you said, and her family will continue to play a pivotal role in her life.
I look forward to seeing your thoughts on the future chapters! Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
Sorry it's taken so long for this review! August has been a pretty crazy month for me as well as i'm trying to get my worker visa completed so i can move.
So, I really love Lily/James and so i enjoyed this on a basic storytelling level where it was just a cute story to read. You characterized both Lily and James well too i think. I especially liked how the problems they had didn't just disappear when they were married but they still fought a bit and what not. It made the story feel real and alive.
This was written in chronological order and even if it had flashbacks, i wouldn't count that as the story jumping back and forth. It seemed more like a reflection from Lily. Anyway, it didn't disrupt the flow at all for me and i think you put them in really seamlessly. I really don't like flashbacks as they never seem to fit with the story but i felt like how you've written it it seems like its woven into the seams of your work. So great job with that.
I also really liked how this just captured some of the most important moments of Lily and James' life together. Particularly, i liked how they ended up marrying. I liked how she was pregnant first and then they got engaged. It seems like most people write it like they were married and then had the child. However, that always bothered me a little as i've always just seen them as being so young and i've always liked the idea that Harry might have been a bit of a surprise/mistake. Anyway, i thought you did a good of doing that and just showing this as as real relationship and not some fairytale.
The ending really startled me as i didn't really feel like it ended at all. It just sort of stopped and i think that really took away from the piece itself as it made me fall out of the story without really getting the emotional impact as i should have. I feel like you should have had something that that wraps up the story or has some sort of closure. I don't mean something that says they lived happily ever after for a time because they had each other but something that has a more key end. Whether that be a snappy one-liner or an added paragraph that gives their life more depth- just something more would probably add to this story.
I also felt like this could have had a little more description. It was mostly okay but i think that sometimes i felt like i wanted to know about the setting or the smell of a place or simply the actions of the characters. When Lily tells James she's pregnant for example, there was a lot of dialogue but what were they doing in those moment? Where there hands flapping around? Where they holding each other? Interweave description like that with the dialogue so that we can see what's happening.
This was lovely though and i'm glad you requested it from me and i hope you found this helpful! (oh and i really liked your choice of present tense here, i forgot to mention it above but it made me feel more present while reading this). :DAuthor's Response: I am so, so sorry for the epically late response. D: August has been so busy for me, so apologies for the delay.
I'm glad you liked the story in terms of its storytelling. Ha, of course couples would still have arguments -- most married couples do yell at each other, so yeah, I wanted that to be realistic.
Yayay to the flashbacks not being sudden or anything! I was very worried about that, I must say, so it's great to know you liked it despite not usually liking flashbacks and non-linear stuff.
Lolol, I actually don't believe in sex before marriage, myself, but that doesn't mean premarital sex doesn't happen in the world, or something, haha. I also like the idea of Harry being an accident, because I doubt Lily and James would've planned the pregnancy, not when they were fighting for the Order.
Okay, I get that people have had issues with the ending :-/ I was thinking of expanding it, and I may, one day, but I'm still not sure exactly how I would end it, so I'll have to see. Maybe I'll try to think of a snappy one-liner; I totally get where you were coming from with that one.
And, ha, I do get told a lot that I don't use enough description. I am trying to work on that, promise. I understand how description adds to things, and I will definitely work on that in teh future, so ta for the tip.
Thank you very much for the review. I am really glad you liked the use of present tense and that you enjoyed it -- apologies for the uber late response. D: Report Review
Hi, just wanted to stop over and thank you SO much for all your help with the HC and especially the podcast reviews! You were such a star and when i saw this had no review, I had to come and give it some love.
This was so interesting! I haven't read very many Luna stories and this was such a nice take on a moment of her life. I can definitely imagine how having friends might impact her. She went from someone who really had no one to hang out with or care for her to having a slew of people. I haven't ever really thought of how that might affect her but it really gives a human voice to Luna and how she wasn't just up in the clouds without really caring if people liked her or didn't. It
The tarot card reading was an interesting take and i think it was pretty legit too. Although i've never thought of someone who relies on Divination, the may be a fault of my characterization of her and i think it matches her quirks really well.
I did feel like this piece was a bit too short of the *A couple days later* thing. there are better ways to show time passing than that for one thing, but mostly because this is such a short drabble it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the story. It brings me out of Luna's world and there isn't enough story left for me to get back in and so the impact that this might have had was lost for me.
I also felt like it lacked Luna's actual voice, although you had some great characterization bits here and a lot of it i can could see Luna in (like the tarot cars and the painting), i felt like the tone of it was a little off. We know Luna is a little up in the clouds and a bit strange (in a good way though, i love her to pieces! :D) and since she is that way and her personality is so distinct when i read her, i expect to hear her in the stories i read with her. I hope this makes sense with what i'm trying to say, it just seemed too earthy for me, too normal. You have a great writing voice and the narrative was very good and straightforward. You write well but i suppose i was waiting to get a bit more into Luna's mind and emotions.
Honestly though, i thought this was a great piece and a really neat look at that moment in Luna's life. I'm really glad i read this because it was an good take. I could really see Luna sitting there in front of the cards, just waiting for one to really speak to her. Great job! I hope this was helpful and I enjoyed reading this! :PAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the CC.
It was very helpful and when i go to edit it i'll keep in mind what you said, so thanks for that.
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
Hey, i'm here to thank you for all of your amazing help with the reviewing the HC podcasts! And, i've always wanted to read this story so i've just killed two birds with one stone (straw birds, of course, wouldn't dream of killing real ones!! ;P ).
Anyway, this was absolutely lovely. I love how you've written Josephine, she's so real and lively and yet she rarely says a word. I like that and although i've always imagined Fred to be friends with people who are about as lively and witty as him, this strangely works. Their interaction in the flashbacks were stellar. I also like how you even described their relationship and how he liked to figure her out and brought out her insecurities to why he even liked her. It answered a lot of questions but it was so beautifully and seamlessly done that is seemed natural! Which is a great feat because it sometimes seems like sometimes authors (me included!!) just throw this information into the chapters without thought of how to do it. It just seemed normal coming from Jo. I don't know how better to explain it or if i got my point across at all, but so you know, I liked it a lot.
I think it's because I just love Jo's monologues and her narration. It's really relatable, even if i may not have experienced what she has or i don't have much in common with her, i feel what she does. I think that is such an amazing accomplishment honestly.
This is incredibly sad as well. I can't handle Fred stories very well because i'm STILL mourning his death (how weird am i?) and the way you wrote how Fred Weasley is in a box just really struck me. And the scene with George and Molly!! GAH!! it's too much for me to handle! I was so close to bawling my eyes out like a school kid. You wrote it so well though and you description is brilliant because you can capture these really emotional, heart-wrenching moments with precision.
There is one thing i do wonder, does George not know of their relationship at all? Like, at all?? I feel like that is a little unbelievable as they were so close and even with Fred's promise to not talk about her at all, i don't see how that could fly under George's radar. Especially as it seems like they were friends before she started working for them. Maybe he does know about it though and that just hasn't been shown yet... :P
Whatever the case, this is really, really lovely and i hope you continue on it because it's so intriguing and it makes me want to know what's going to happen next!
-zayne Report Review
Hey! So i'm here for your review request. So sorry that it's taken so long but it's been a busy few weeks!
The idea of Snape babysitting is fairly hectic and i couldn't help but laugh at the image in my head of him running after a fire breathing Draco (which isn't too far off the mark ;P ).
This is definitely a different look of this couple and you brought in a completely new characterization of them as well. They seem like this young couple in love and it's rather sweet. Lucius is very different from his canon self and it's a different take on him to write him scared and as if he accidently got in too deep. This happened all the time with some of Voldemort's followers, like Regulus for instance. I've never seen the same thing be for Lucius though. I don't know if you quite pulled it off. There were moments that i really liked and thought you did great showing them at their more innocent stages of life. It reminds me that everyone is just human and that people change. However, i don't think there is much indication in canon of Lucius regretting it or being scared, especially at the beginning when he was still popular and trusted. he believed in this cause of pureblood supremacy, that's why Draco turned out the way he did. For me to believe this, i need to see more motivation and a lead up to that or a hint of how he will begin to actually believe it one day.
One final thing i noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of really flowery, pretty language here that just didn't fit. To me, it felt like you were trying too hard and the wording was really convoluted and i found myself stumbling over all the adjectives you were using. Like dexterous palm for instance and in that one sentence alone i think there was probably 3 or 4 other words used to describe something else and it felt like the meaning and emotion got lost. It's okay to use nice language but a rule of thumb that i use is to make sure what i'm saying and how i'm describing something actually means something to the story. That the mere wording of it expounds the emotion of the piece rather than putting in there because it sounds nice. It just seems out of place and chunky to me, sometimes simpler is better. I think there is a balance between telling a story, like JKR did, and then making the prose elegant and poetic. I hope that makes sense, it's an abstract concept that is a bit hard to pin down.
I'm not certain of the flashback either, but that may just be me and not liking them in the middle of stories in general. I felt like it was a little contrived just to make the story longer. There were parts of it that were nice and i understand why you put it in because it shows that moment, but i feel like there could have been a better way of explaining how he was so brazen. Even if it was never really mentioned what happened on that night would have been fine as when authors leave some stuff out that hint to a bigger story that surrounds your characters can make the story richer. It's like an author secret of sorts.
Thank you for requesting and i hope you found this helpful! I hope you don't take offense to this as i think there are some great things about this story and i think it's great that you're giving a more human voice to Lucius, which we don't normally see. Just practice some more and keep writing them because you havee the beginning of a really lovely writerly voice.Author's Response: Hey there, thank you for the honest review!
Honestly, in the books/films, we never really see the private conversations Lucius and Narcissa share. Seeing as Lucius really does love his wife, I'm trying to show, in my opinion, that Lucius regretted joining the Death Eaters because of the danger it put his son in. Now he is depicted as an arrogant pureblood, and that is 100% true, but in my fanfic I wanted to show a side of Lucius that could be true, a side of him that he only showed to his wife.
Sorry, I can't help it, but I love showing off with adjectives. Sometimes I tend to make things a bit too complicated, and though you may see it as expounding emotion, I kind of see it as mixing a bunch of different flavors into one sentence. Thank you for the honest opinion though :)
When I started writing this one-shot, I planned to have a flashback in there somewhere. I didn't add it to extend the story, because the one-shot is still quite long without the flashback. Though it may not play to your flavor, I am quite fond of flashbacks. In my opinion, it added more sweet and spice to the romance and let the readers know that Lucius and Narcissa did indeed have a love marriage.
I really do appreciate the honest feedback, and I completely understand where you are coming from. Thanks a ton for your review, I hope to hear again from you :) xx Report Review
Hi! I'm here for that requested review i owe you! Sorry it's taken so long, it's been a busy few weeks for me.
I've never read an Ignotius's story before, ever. So this is really interesting for me because it's such new territory. I think you began an interesting spot which seems to beg more questions than it answers. This is always good and i love first chapters that are a bit ambiguous and don't lay down everything. It makes me want to continue on with a story when the author does that because i feel like there is more to the story. I don't feel like I really know what to expect with this story or where you are doing with it. These questions will need to be answered soon but for a first chapter i think it's good to leave the reader guessing a little.
Your descriptions were good here actually. I felt like i could easily picture in my head the house and what was happening around them. Keep paying attention to detail and being able to describe what's happening around them and you shouldn't have to worry about anything. However, saying that, there were some grammar issues like misplaced comma's or just twisty sounding sentences that broke up the flow of this and sometimes made it hard to imagine what was going on. It tripped me up some so i'd suggest going back and maybe reading it out loud to yourself to keep iron that out. Although it is difficult to write with older english and to keep the story in that time period, it shouldn't be chunky which i felt at a few places it was.
I think Ignotus seems believable at this point. He does seem a lot older than his age and the only thing i can say is just be careful to not go overboard with it. For me, at this point it does not seem justified to why he's like this or what made him such a serious kid. I'd like to see that motivation at some point. However, i do think this has a good start on the character we know in canon. I just think that he'll need to be expanded on in later chapters for me to believe his wisdom.
I liked the feeling of this chapter, it seemed old fashioned and it worked for me. There was stiffness and formality in a lot of the relationships here which made sense to me as it's how i imagine those dinner parties would be. I liked how his interest in Anastasia evolved and how it was only when he realized that there was something that needed to be solved that he became interested in the conversation. That was a great piece of characterization for him and i thought that it was this interaction that gave a little of the plot away of the story and what we can expect from the story.
You switched POV's a few times in this chapter alone. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not but i just wanted to point it out. Sometimes POV changes work really well as long as it isn't too quickly and the transitions are intentional and smooth. I don't think there was too much of an issue of that in this chapter, but just keep watch out for that in later chapters as well :D
Thank you for requesting me! I hope you found this review helpful :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Thank you so, so much for this wonderfully thorough review! And I'm so sorry for taking this long to respond; I've been having a busy week as well. :)
First of all, thank you for all your compliments. It really is such a relief to hear that you thought this was an interesting first chapter. I'm never really good with beginnings... And I think some of the questions will be answered soon. Gradually, but soon.
Also I'm glad to hear that the description was okay here. As for the wonky-ness of the sentences, well, a bit after you've left me this wonderful review, an edited and beta'd version of the chapter appeared on the archive.I hope that some of this chapter's technical problems have been fixed in it.
And I'll try my best to not make Ignotus overly mature! I think we'll see him relax a little as the story moves on.
Again, thank you for the amazingly helpful review and thanks for reading!
I loved this beginning chapter, it was a lot of fun! I think you've done something really neat here and really captured this mother/daughter kind of interaction. I like the playfulness and Audrey's love and adoration for her mum. It was really cute. I also think you got the dynamic right, as a single mum she's going to be really protective of her daughter, maybe even a little overprotective but being such a young mother she's going to just want to be her friend. It's a hard dynamic to write but i think you have done a good job with it. Especially with touching on some of the issues like she has no idea what she's really doing.
I also really like your style and I don't know why i haven't stopped by before to read some of your work! It's really nice and you make it seem effortless! I like that they are such unknown characters! i'm a huge faun of minor characters and i like the story you've given them. We don't know much about them other than Nott's dad was a DE and that Nott did make fun of muggleborns (or at least snickered when other people were making fun of them). But you have so much leeway with them that it'll make this story fun for discovering who they were.
One thing i noticed is that there are some grammar and spelling issues like spelling apparting as appearating. Not too big of deals really but it does disrupt the flow of the story a little. Also, the use of muggle electronics. Although i don't think they'd go crazy since there probably isn't that much magic in the house. However, i felt it odd that she'd use a blow dryer... she can just charm it dry. So although that scene was nice for description and easy to imagine... i just found it odd. The TV makes some sense as her mum was muggle right? So she obviously is part of both worlds.
Otherwise, i really enjoyed this beginning and am really curious what Nott's intentions are and how her having a daughter is going to affect their relationship! Great job with your writing!
-zay! :PAuthor's Response: Wow thank you so much for this! This story is one of my favorites to write though I have sadly lost my outline for it so I wont be able to work on it until I find it but the story really just flowed so well for me! I'm so glad that you felt I did a good job with Tracey and Audrey. Tracey and Theo are one of my favorite pairings, I'm not really sure why or how they became that way but I do love them so I'm glad that you are enjoying reading them! For me, I think I have her using more muggle gadgets than using spells and such to show her daughter that while magic is nice, there is another way to do things. Being that Tracey was raised with a muggle mother, she would have done things the muggle way so I think its just her picking up habits from her mother. I'm awful at spelling and grammar issues and I'm thinking about getting a beta for this story as well. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Hello, i'm here for your review!
I really like how this began. You descriptions were spot on and you really painted the emotion of that part really well. I could feel Rose's terror practically ooze from the page there. It was just so intense that i was sitting on the edge of my seat hoping for it to be a dream! Which is it was but maybe not for long. :D
I like what you've done here, i've not read any seer kind of stories before and i'm sure there are loads of them hanging about the archives but to me this is new and unique and i love how you've written this. Her uncertainty about the reality of the dream, how it keeps flashing before her eyes, and the quickness of the dream's outcome are all really brilliantly done!
Characterization wise, i think so far it is excellent! I like Scorpius here a lot, even if we juts get a small glimpse of him i like how you've done him. I've read a lot of this optimistic bubbly character or the complete push over (which I like just fine in fanon and it's adorable to read) but in my head canon your Scorpius seems a little more realistic. He is part of a gang and not the leader (which is really great and different) and it seems like he may have some of Draco's pretentiousness and arrogance in him.
Aria is really neat too, she seems, at this point, well rounded and interesting. I like her bluntness and her her and Rose's interaction in general. Rose seems normal here (well except for the seer bit) but she's wanting to pull pranks, has grudges that are realistic and she's not at an extreme where all Hogwarts loves her or hates her (which i've seen in too may stories).
Your flow was really nice too for the most part. I noticed there was a few run on sentences which seemed to disrupt the feelings of the piece so keep a watch out for those. Otherwise though, i liked how this read and it was quite beautifully done.
Thanks for requesting me and i hope you found this helpful! :P
-zayne Report Review
I'm here for your requested review :D
I have a big thing for Marauder era stories, they are my absolutely favourite! But there i something intrinsically sad about them though because, unless you're writing an AU, their friendship just disintegrates and gets ripped apart. :( so sad. Anyway, onto the actual review before i start blubbering.
I liked how you began this it reminded me of how JKR wrote her work. There is nice imagery and description and it's simple but it gets to the point. Which i think matches your story really well. You don't need the flowery language to tell a good story. I liked that here because it focussed on the important aspects of the chapter, namely, Sirius being missing.
I really liked James, he was so concerned for Sirius and was jumping out of his skin to help him because he knew what it might be like if Sirius were to tell his family. It was nice to see his concern and his acknowledgement that Sirius had a bunch of pride. I think that would take some maturity on his side to realize that which may mark him being ready for Lily. I'm also glad you explained why Sirius went to talk to them because otherwise i'd have been wondering why he would have went back
I really felt bad for Lily and i think you wrote her shock well. However, i thought it was a little weird that Sirius would be trying to get into her house for some biscuits or something. I guess because we don't have any background in their friendship but at this point, i'm going off how i imagine them to be. Which obviously is friendly, but i'm not sure if he'd turn to her after such a huge row with his mum. Would he want her to see his wounds and weaknesses? If he has that much pride, i'd imagine he'd try to hide that from most people. The Marauders are one of the only ones to see past the walls he's built. It would have been more believable for me if he just found her wandering the streets or something and then picked her up.
About your questions... i think it's a good first chapter. There is a lot of action and characters that are introduced that makes the reader want to figure out what the answers are. I think you had some really interesting characterizations here too, Sirius not getting good grades for instance was different and i really liked it. Most people put him at the top of his class. I liked how you've added that aspect to it. It was believable.
I hope you found this helpful and thanks for requesting me! :DAuthor's Response: This was very helpful, thank you so much! I'm happy you don't think this story suffers without the flowery language, because like you said, I'm telling a story.
So happy you picked up on Sirius! You'll see some more clues for that. Just remember, characters can lie ;). mwahahaha.
I think they would all be so intelligent, but I think Sirius would be the one to lay motivation for grades. He reminds me most of one of the Weasley twins. He's very smart, but until he knows what he wants to do, he's just not motivated enough.
I'm so happy that this chapter seems to be starting out different for you than other Marauder's era. And I totally know what you mean about it being sad. Every time I go over my outline I get so sad. I think I've finally found a way to leave the readers with at least peace by the end of this, but we know there's now way actually make it happy.
Especially since this definitely won't be AU, and it will go until... well... the end ;(.
Okay, I'm going to start blubbering. Thank you so much for this wonderful review!
♥ Report Review
So i see this as an excessively old story but i love creeping the archives for jewels like this one. This is truly a great and emotional piece that i felt like i wanted to cry or hold Neville in my arms and tell him it's okay. I think you captured this sense of worthlessness in him so well and was able to expose this deep rooted inadequecy that i'm sure everyone can relate to on some level.
I loved how you brought plants into this story and how trying to help his parents was his motivation to become a herbologist. I thought that was very poignant and how he even wanted to become a plant because at least then he wouldn't feel as much.
I never really thought much about how Neville felt after the prophecy thing and this just made me feel even more for Neville and you did great showing how he internalizes all his failures and takes the blame for them.
When he was hit with the Cruicio... that was probably the most jaw dropping moment of this chapter. I also think it was my favourite part as you could just tell how desperate Neville was to have that connection with his parents.
Great job with writing this! This is lovely. Report Review
. i don't even know where to start with on a story like this and i'm trying to resist doing some mindless keyboard smashing to get my feelings across. This is quite a masterpiece here and i want to cry and sing with joy at the same time because this is beautifully written but it has this gritty haunting feeling to it that you just feel right down to your toes.
I really love your tone here and your occasional repetition of words and phrases. I think that really exposed Rose's feelings and gave them even more depth. I'm a big fan of ambiguity and being vague and love when authors can really pull it off well. I think that's what you've done here as there are so many clever details and hints about what happened and phrases that say more than just the words that are written. Also, it seems sometimes that writers just want to put it all out there, like they're scared the readers just won't 'get it' so they write explicitly and make sure it's obvious what's going down. I appreciate and love that you've trusted the readers to make their own interpretation of it and let them feel their way through your story.
You imagery is absolutely lovely and i love LOVE all the references to nature it was brilliantly done and nicely executed. It wasn't so in your face that you felt the author was shoving it down your throat but it was written so that it felt like it was guiding you through the story and very much belonged to the story. It really made the emotional impact for the reader that much greater. The emotions bled from this story for sure.
I think you handled this really well too, i think it was because of your vagueness and your tone that really helped with that because you nailed how someone in that situation would act. You're not going to tell other people about it easily, if at all, and saying the word is like poison in the mouth. It's like admitting that it actually happened and no one wants to do that.
The end! Gah! it was so brilliant and raw. When i first read through it, i thought initially that she was standing up for herself was a bit off. That she wouldn't have been quite ready to realize and accept that they were her own scars to battle. However, the second time i read it, it seemed to work better for me so i probably wouldn't change it, but my initial reaction was that it was a little off. However, not enough for me to not love this any less :D.
As morbid as this sounds but i love these haunting mad stories where the character is teetering on the line between life and death, madness and sanity, reality and nothing. I love those gritty human stories that seem to speak right to the soul. You've done that here. And i love the hooded figures which seem to be a mixture of real and not real, a figment, if you please of her trauma and can seem like a real person. I don't even think it matters what they are but i loved their entrance and it really pulled your story together and made it all hit home.
Great story! I loved being introduced to this and thank you so much for requesting me!Author's Response: I don't even know how to respond to such a fabulous review! I'm just so over the moon - I am so glad that you enjoyed this! :)
I'm really glad you liked the tone, especially the repetitions - with a short, emotional piece like this, I feel that a little repetition is good - I think it also compliments the tone of the story because it's so devastating. Gosh, I love finding a reader who loves all things vague and ambiguous! I've noticed that a lot of readers like everything to be spelled out for them so that they really don't have to do any thinking and the interpretations and perceptions and thoughts are already ready-made for them. That's not me at all (it used to be, but I grew out of it really quickly) - I want readers to think, feel, hate, love, I want them to experience emotion when they're reading, you know? I like what you said about "feeling" your way through a story - it's what I'm going for. It's about the emotion and the depth.
I'm super stoked that you liked my references to nature. I'm Southern (USA) and grew up immersed in all things nature and so that sort of imagery and passion comes naturally. I love description, but I don't ever want it to be overwhelming to the point that a reader becomes confused or lost or disinterested, so I'm glad you thought it was more of a guiding force! Haha, the emotion bled from the story? I love that. You're right - that description is so fitting.
You've hit the nail on the head! I wanted to emphasize the fact that NO ONE in this kind of situation is going to put their trauma into words. And if they do, it's going to sort of tear them apart because of what they are describing, you know?
I can totally see where you're coming from with that - her standing up for herself is a bit wonky, isn't it? It doesn't seem in-line with the rest of the piece. I don't really like to edit pieces like this, but I think I might need to tweak that. Thanks for pointing it out!
It doesn't sound morbid at all! I really do love them too. I always like something deeper and more profound, you know? I'm just so over the moon that you think it's one of /those/ stories that touches the soul! It makes me all giggly and junk! :D
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I appreciate it so much and hope you enjoyed the read! :) Report Review
I'm here for you review request :D
So i think i like where you're going with this, it's a great idea actually and i love the plot that will be moving it forwards. I think the idea of the gene pool being small has been mentioned in the books before by Sirius, however although it may not be necessary novel, it doesn't seem that many people have acted upon it. I love how it's Hermione who is going to be pushing these changes into the society and it makes sense, characterization wise, that she'd do it. She hates inequality and fights for change and so i think you did a good job at presenting that part of personality. The whole genetics thing is a great idea though and i do like where you're going. I love when authors mix in muggle medicine and ideas with the magical ones. So what you have going here is really great in that aspect and will be enough conflict for later chapters.
I think it's interesting how you've made the ideas of pureblood supremacy so prevalent in the Ministry and that the war didn't seem to change that. I can see how the war might might it go both ways (that is, they are either being overly nice to them, which typically happens after wars against a minority group, or that it goes the other way and it doesn't change things and the majority just get scared and try to hang onto their power because they feel it slipping away.) However, i'd really need to see why the war didn't change things, that is a lot harder for me to believe without some kind of explanation to why it's like that. I also find it a bit hard to believe that the whole Ministry would be against her. I don't know how close you are going to canon, but we do know that she did get a job in the Ministry and no matter if she's muggleborn or not, she helped save the wizarding world. That's hard to write off and i'd almost see everyone in uproar if the Ministry dare do that. i'd like to see more motivation to their denial of her. This will make it easier to follow and more believable.
Just a note as to my above comment, i did love how she reacted to the whole thing and i think you wrote that really well.
The break-up. Hm. I'm a little hesitant to believe it myself at the moment. I felt like there just had to be more because i didn't really believe that Harry and Hermione would kiss, even under the influence. I suppose since it's such a big part of the books i felt like it needed a little more explanation. I'm all up for not having Hermione/Ron but it seemed too rushed here. However, i did like Harry and Hermione's reaction to it and how they talked about it and how Harry was making light of it. I thought that part was very well done and well written.
You have an interesting start here and i think it has potential to go somewhere really neat :D Thanks for requesting me and i hope you found my comments helpful. Feel free to re request if you'd like. :DAuthor's Response: I guess I hadn't thought about explaining how the war changed society much. Looking back, I really should have, though. That's really the major way that my story is diverging from the canon Epilogue. Thanks - I will definitely go back and add a paragraph about that now.
The reason the whole ministry seems to be against her is VERY well explained later. It's sort of going to be her main opposition. :) I'm hoping that people will hold that skepticism until the third chapter, when that becomes clearer.
The break up? Meh. It's pretty important to the story, and I'm sorry that it's not believable. I tried to make it believable - I even included alcohol in the equation. I tried to stress how lonely they were and how awful the kiss felt. However, I think it's generally weird for people to think about Hermione and Harry kissing, when they seem sort of like brother and sister in the books. I personally don't think friends of the opposite sex can ever completely become like brother and sister. There's always going to be some awareness of the possibility. They aren't attracted to each other, but they love each other. I think that's something meaningful, and it could lead them to try it out, under certain circumstances. Maybe in a few weeks I'll have a better perspective and can make it more realistic.
Thank you so much for your very helpful review! I'm glad you think my story has potential. :)
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