Reading Reviews From Member: SilentConfession
318 Reviews Found

Review #51, by SilentConfessionThe Twenty Two: Scotch Bonnets, Cakes and Buses

13th July 2013:

This was an excellent piece. The narration you have for this story is really quite strong and poignant. Your main character, although we never find out who it actually is, has a strong voice and carries the story on really well. I love her observations about life and buses as well. They were dryly observant at times and other times a little outrageous. I like how you named the boys by something that signifies them - elbow patch boy, scotch bonnet etc. Tibbie seems so normal, so lovestruck that it's quite funny actually to see the similarities. Her slightly stalkerish ways just made me laugh and her obsession with drawing the back of his head. Excellent use of her skills I think ;) .

It was also cool to read a completely normal and almost insignificant way to travel. Buses. It made the story unique though and true to life. I don't think people make as good of use of that as they could. It adds a lot of hilarious content to it anyway.

Aww, Henry! Such a sweet guy to come to her rescue like that. I liked how it was just so natural between them as well. His absolutely adorableness and sweeping in when she just experienced rejection as well.

The only thing i could suggest with this is I wish i could have visioned this a little more and got a feel for the place. It started out good because you gave these smell of smoke and mint there but as the story continued I felt like some of the description was lost a little.

Anyway, lovely entry to the HC! Glad I was able to read this!

Author's Response: Hello! Wow, what a fantastic review!! I'm so glad you reviewed because this is lovely and also very good and satisfying and YEAH I'm sorry I took so long to reply because you know this is so nice idk.

I'm glad you liked the narration because, idk, I feel like that's important in this kind of fic? I think really the only way for Tibbie to use her drawing skills was drawing the back of her stalker-crush's head- I mean, why else would a teenage girl /need/ to be good at art?

I really liked buses, even though sometimes they intimidate me a bit haha- it's really interesting watching people on buses because they all behave like they're in these little tiny wee bubbles, when really they're in a large, moving room, haha. Anyway, it makes it a really interesting location to write about.

Ah, I know what you mean about the description! I think I got a bit distracted by the plot; maybe later I'll edit this to put in a bit more description!

Thank you so so much for the fantastic and detailed review, I'm so glad you liked it!! Really this was like the /best/ review!


 Report Review

Review #52, by SilentConfessionFear and Loathing in Branson: Around the World, Wizarding Style

12th July 2013:
This is such a bizarre story and a weird take on Neville. I think I like it as i've never really thought what he might be like drunk but if i were to imagine it I think it would be very much like you've done it. I can't imagine what would be going through Rick's mind as he's hearing all this stories which he clearly think are complete rubbish. If someone walked up to me and talked about brooms and magical swords and cutting snakes heads off it would be absolutely ridiculous to hear.

I absolutely loved the differences you portrayed between the american and britishisms. It was hilarious because it made his explanations so much better. I just keep feeling bad for Rick that he has to deal with poor Neville and has to try and understand what the heck he's trying to say. It just makes the whole thing so much more difficult and funny to see the barrier between them. I couldn't stop laughing at the whole entire thing.

Great job! I really appreciated reading this and this really funny take on Neville's and Luna's personality and what they experienced after the war. 'm so used to reading angsty stuff that I think it was a good break for me to read this!

Author's Response: Hi, there! Sorry to have take so long to respond!

Poor Rick obviously doesn't believe what Neville is telling him. He just can't decide whether Neville is pulling his leg or completely crazy.

It was fun to try to figure out little cultural differences that would throw the characters for a loop. This is the first time I've ever written a story where I take a British character and drop them into the middle -- very nearly the geographic center, in this case -- of America. Maybe I'll do that more often.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #53, by SilentConfessionFollow Me Down: Follow Me Down

12th July 2013:
this is an absolutely stunning story. I absolutely loved the tone of your writing and the slightly whimsical feel of the tale. With the wishing well, the flowers, the songs, poems, - it really gave the whole thing a really beautiful feeling to it and made it seem more bittersweet. I found myself sad for Rosemerta for being so attached to her first love and not being to let go of him. This whole story seemed like a self journey as well as she finally left the one place she'd always been and as her journey continued her memories also came and it seemed to bring her comfort and closure.

Rosmerta was really well written as well and i liked her characterization. Her hard working spirit, and the way your wrote her sadness. It seemed to permeate even her actions at times, especially at the beginning she had this air of acceptance that she'd never be quite happy.

The only thing i'd have liked to see is why she felt attracted to the brother. A little more lead in with that might have made it flow a little more clearer so that it didn't feel like she was replacing Jax with Jay. But honestly that's such a nitpicky thing and the rest of the one-shot was really nice. You're tone of writing is really lovely and makes it easy to get lost in your writing and in the story itself. It was perfectly described as i felt like i could get a good image of her surroundings and yet i didn't feel like there was a description overload either. So great job with that!

Good work with this!

Author's Response: SilentConfession,

Oh, thank you for your lovely review of this heart-breaking, but hopeful story. You point out so many things, it is hard to know what to say.

Yes, this story was meant to be heart-felt with a bit of whimsy and magic, but with hope in the end.

Yes, Rosmerta was attached to her love, very attached. I think the pub really took over her life and she found a certain peace in continuing the dream.

I'm so glad that you like her characterization. She is not written about too often and as a business owner, I feel that she would have to very intelligent. And yes, she has loved and lost and learned how to live with the hurt. ;(

I agree, I should've said more of their differences so that it wouldn't seem that he was just a replacement, but the word count wouldn't allow it. I had to cut and cut and cut it down. It was painful to do and I felt like I was butchering it, but it had to be done for the competition.

Thank you so much for your in-depth and wonderful review.

From my heart,
Thank you,
Dark Whisper

 Report Review

Review #54, by SilentConfessionGoodbye, Molly Prewett: One

12th July 2013:

This is ridiculously sweet. I liked how this began so drearily with so much suspense and drama though and the way that you set the stage for the rest of the story. It really captured the sort of pressure and fear that was around during that time and i loved how all this was happening in the early 70's. So many people write the first war as if it started the last year of the Marauder's time at Hogwarts. However you have it already beginning then which is canon! Anyway, small detail but i enjoyed it nonetheless. I liked how it seemed like it was the idea that life was precious and fleeting that made Arthur finally ask Molly to marry him. It seems like the thing that would happen anyway as people realized that life wasn't guarantee.

I liked the dialogue too. The way you had Moody speak and even Rufus just seemed to on par with how I see him in my head and how he acted in the books that i'm honestly amazed at how you were able to nearly perfectly reflect that here.

The small details you have here as well make this story special and stick out from all the rest. How Arthur doesn't know the exact way to pronounce the muggle objects, Molly's family's knowledge of plants, and even bringing Aunt Muriel into! It settled this story right into canon. (on a completely unrelated note Arthur's brother called Lancelot!!?? Loved it!)

Great story! Really glad i could read this!

 Report Review

Review #55, by SilentConfessionsoul of the city: soul of the city.

12th July 2013:
I love this piece so much! I just wanted to hug Ron and tell him it was all going to be okay. I loved the journey feel of this though. They way you made it seem like each one was a new stage of his life and a new reason to celebrate not only the differences in the world but the changing of seasons, and of life.

I loved how you described each new place, the detail and the way you've written it makes me actually feel like i've been there myself now. Also, the fact that you also gave reasons behind each celebration and festival was incredible. It seemed like a very Hermione thing to do though, to write out a plan like that and to have that sort of information in it.

Everything about this one shot though was really well written. You can tell you've either been to many of these places or researched it enough that you could get the feel of the place in just a few snapshots. Which is an amazing feet to be honest and I really enjoyed reading this. There is this sense of wonder that you captured that I think anyone who's travelled will be able to relate to because, for me, there's nothing as awesome and inspiring but to be moved by the world around us.

(can I also say i really liked Cho, it was awesome to see her in a different role than what many portray her as and that she's happy and that she's friends with Ron, enough anyway to let him stay with her)

Great work!

Author's Response: I'm so glad that you were able to enjoy the journey that Ron was on. That's really what I was going for: an understanding that it was a journey, both physically and emotionally, that someone would be able to feel like they were with him, and also that someone would be able to come to their own conclusions/realizations about how and why this was taking place.

I'm very happy that you were able to relate to it and thank you!

(I was very glad to portray Cho as something more than usual because she's Asian like me and also a 'Claw! House pride whaddup??)


 Report Review

Review #56, by SilentConfessionDown Comes The Night: Chapter Eight

11th July 2013:
Now i must wait for an update and can't vicariously read through your wonderful work. These last couple chapters have been absolutely wonderful! I couldn't help but smile at all the little Helga/Salazar moments! They are so perfect for one another. She brings out the best in him and is his strength were his weaknesses lie. He does the same for her. It's wicked how you've worked that together.

Also, Godric! Yes, i'm so pleased that he could see right through her little act and knew she was behind Salazar's changes. Brilliant. I loved her reaction too and she just splashed water on his face. It was very sister/brother like and it was great to see their interaction again. He doesn't disapprove of it it seems which is good but i wonder how it will develop over time.

There's one thing i've noticed about the way you write this, especially writing their dialogue. Most of the time you are spot on with keeping it formal and very on par with the period. At least, enough that makes it believable. I also like the moments where you hint to propriety and having her go down to his chambers and wondering how proper that was. Obviously Helga doesn't have those kind of restraints on her as much being raised a gypsy and Salazar only pretends to have it. It works but I wonder when Rowena finds out how she will view it or how the kids would view it.

I have this sense of fear though. I read a one-shot of yours which i think ties into this and they aren't together and she's with someone else and obviously the founders split at some point and all i can think of is NOOO! I don't even know why i like them so much. I mean, Salazar killed someone. He isn't a good person, but there is something about how you've written him earnestly wanting to be different than what he was that makes me believe in him too. I think i'm just as optimistic about change as Helga is and although i fear that it won't work out I want to believe in him growing past his hate. Or i'm just under his weird charming spell like Helga and I wonder when she (and me for that matter) will wake up and see what he is. Or maybe he's just a good person and when he finds out she's lied to him all this time he loses it completely.

I'm massively tied up to this story! Can't wait to see what you have in store next!


Author's Response: Hi Zayne! I'm finally going to catch up on responding to your wonderful reviews...they have really meant the world to me. I am so happy that you've enjoyed this so much!

I loved writing these last few chapters, because we get to see Helga and Salazar really connect with each other. They've grown to appreciate what the other has to offer, and that's been a wonderful foundation for their relationship. Not to mention Helga's instinct to seek out those who need help. Combined with Salazar's troubled past, they were definitely on a collision course :)

I'm so glad you're still liking the style of this! I've described it at "earthy" before, but I don't think that's the word I was looking for. I want this to feel sort of folk-ish and whimsical, but still formal enough to fit the time. I'm glad the dialogue fits that! As for the propriety issue, I never put much thought into it. But Rowena is more straight-laced than the other three, so she might very well wind up voicing some objections. And I always imagined they would keep their relationship a complete secret from the students.

I wish I could just tell you what's in store for Helgazar! But I will say that this story is winding to a close soon, so all will be revealed before too long. You aren't the only one who's conflicted about Salazar. He's got such enormous potential for good or bad, and at this point it could easily swing either way. Hopefully I won't keep you waiting too long for the answers!

Thank you so much, again, for liking this story and taking the time to review! I have loved responding to these, and I hope you continue to enjoy it :)


 Report Review

Review #57, by SilentConfessionDown Comes The Night: Chapter Five

11th July 2013:
I think it's official. I'm addicted to this story. Actually addicted. I love the dynamics and the heightened tensions that are building up in this chapter. The idea that Helga can't turn her back on her ideals because having feelings for Salazar could very well mean that very thing. Pursuing him could easily mean her fall. It's not an easy situation by any means and I like how Rowena was able to see those feelings Helga had. It's given Rowena a deepness that she hasn't shown before now and it's made her seem more human and relatable as well. The walls of her propriety were torn down momentarily and we see the kind of friend and person she is.

I loved Helga's anger. I just wanted to punch my fist in the air and scream 'FOR HUFFLEPUFF!' She really is a strong character. I love how you showed this side of her, how hard she is to anger but when she does get angry it's for a just cause and that she can also put aside this anger in order to care for someone else.

Salazar and his secrets! I'm still gunning for the idea that his family was killed by fire or something by muggles. That's why he hates them so much and why he fears fire. I love his character still. It's so opposite from Helga and if i knew him in person i'm sure i'd dislike him but he's wonderfully complex and is a challenge for Helga because she catches glimpses the man behind his prejudices at times and it keeps her hoping that he will be that man again. It would be maddening i'm sure.

:) Excellent chapter! On to the next!

Author's Response: Hey! Wow, I'm glad I've got you hooked! Yes, things are starting to get a little more serious with this chapter. And I'm so happy to hear that you like Rowena here. This is kind of where she begins to open herself up, and I'm glad you liked seeing that about her. I'd love to write a fic with Rowena as the narrator, just to allow her to tell a bit more of her story than cones out here.

I really did want to show Helga's fierce side, because she does have one! But as you've seen, it doesn't come out too often. And she can't stay angry with Salazar long ;) I'm glad you enjoyed seeing that part of her personality--I was really searching for a way to include it.

I'm kind of the same way about Salazar...I'm not sure I'd want to meet him in real life either! He's been a real challenge to write because he has so much going on internally, and it's hard to represent him the way I want to. But I'm so happy you're catching glimpses of his potential, like Helga is. He's not a completely bad guy, and I've tried to show that (but sometimes he just won't quite let me :P) And if you can't tell, he has a soft spot for Helga. He can't keep her out forever :)

Thanks again for the wonderful reviews! I'm getting through them slowly but surely :)

 Report Review

Review #58, by SilentConfessionDown Comes The Night: Chapter Four

11th July 2013:
Oh Helga is so smitten with Salazar! She keeps digging and I love the comment 'don't come too close' from Salazar. Just perfect. It adds all the dimension you need for him. He's obviously terrified of people seeing beneath his mask and Helga is one of the few who will continue digging till she sees everything she can. I'm curious to know what will happen with them though because he won't lose his prejudices and when he learns of her heritage what will happen? How will Helga continue to stand up for him be be drawn to him when it's her kind he hates? As great as it is that she sees the best in everyone, how far will this go?

I liked her scene with the Boggart. It was intense but really hit a cord with me. It was also great because a lot of times we see the Boggart take on tangible things but taking on a more abstract fear like losing freedom was interesting to read about. As was her reaction to it. Her need for freedom seems to be a massive pull for her and I wonder how this will affect her later especially with her secret heritage. Will Salazar putting constrains on what makes a good witch/wizard affect her as strongly. It is in a way caging her and saying that because of her heritage she isn't as good.

The flow and the way you tell stories is really nice. It just works well together. You have the perfect balance of description and dialogue. You don't go overboard with either one of them and you give a really great mental picture of what's going on rather than slapping your readers in the face with everything.

Anyway, i'm loving how this is developing and you continue adding new elements to the story that keep the plot moving at a great pace.

Author's Response: Yep, she's under the spell for sure! And as to the digging, Helga's a badger isn't she? ;) She's bound and determined to get behind that mask. And you'll just have to keep reading to find out how she navigates that conflict between her heritage and Salazar. There are rough waters ahead.

I love hearing people's reactions to Helga's boggart. I'm so glad it resonated with you, and actually, you read more into it than I did! Now that you mention it, though, it does bring up a good point; the way things stand now, Helga could never be free to be herself with Salazar. But the story isn't over yet :)

I'm trying to be kind of earthy with the style of writing here, and not go overboard, like you said. I'm so glad you're liking the feel of it! Thank you again for the lovely reviews :)

 Report Review

Review #59, by SilentConfessionDown Comes The Night: Chapter Two

11th July 2013:
I loved this chapter. I like that beyond their differences there is parts of them that connect. I'm really interested to see the other ways that they connect and why they are drawn to one another. I think it's a lovely ship and that he's been watching her just as much she him even though she cannot hide a thing. It's cool to see her get under his skin and how she can see past everything he tries to hide.

Helga continues to be my favourite character here. She's so free and open and walks around with bare feet! What's not to like about her? She's lovely and you write her in such a consistent and relatable manner as well. She has this spirit that I think would draw a lot of people towards her, like a bird about to take flight or something. Salazar could definitely learn something from her.

Salazar as well is brilliantly done. He's cold, harsh, has this weird superiority complex about him and yet we just saw in this chapter this vulnerability from him when he gets his feathers ruffled. I like how underneath his 'noble' facade there is something se there that's engaging.

I like the cliffie too and the Boggart? they are fighting. I'm curious to know how this is going to play out in later chapters. His fear of fire? (was his family burned at the stake or something?) anyway i'm dying to know what happens next. You've developed your characters and your plot brilliantly so far!

Author's Response: Hi again Zayne! This chapter is one of my favorites too, because this is the point where Helga's curiosity about Salazar is really sparked. At first glance they don't seem like they would work, but they do have some things in common. I think even Helga and Salazar themselves are surprised by that :)

Helga is absolutely my favorite character I've ever written. You're right, she doesn't think much of convention and enjoys marching to a different drum. I'm so glad you're finding her relatable, too! It's funny, I've tried to describe her from the POV of other characters, and it never works the way I want it to. She comes off as this out-of-touch, Luna Lovegood type, which isn't exactly her. It's only when she's narrating that she comes across as down-to-earth and real. It's so strange how that works out!

Salazar hides his vulnerability very well most of the time. He likes to do it by placing himself above everyone, and he's a very convincing actor :) But you're right, there's much more to him than meets the eye.

And as to that last paragraph, those are very good guesses :) Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review, Zayne! I hope to catch up on my responses very soon.

 Report Review

Review #60, by SilentConfessionDown Comes The Night: Chapter One

11th July 2013:
I've been wanting to read this story for ages and i've finally decided to just sit down and read it. I really love your writing tone and how you've written this. It has this story telling voice to it as if i was sitting at the feet of an older woman in front of a fire. I don't know why the tone feels like that but it's cool.

I like your characters so far. I love Helga for one. You've really characterized her well, her kindness, mother hen like ways. Her freedom and laughter. How she was in a traveling troupe and i like how that ties together with the qualities of a Hufflepuff. I guess i've always had the impression of troupes to be all accepting, very open, free individuals who go with the wind.

The histories you've made for all of them are brilliant actually. From what we know anyway it just seems like it fits perfectly with what we know of the houses. I'm curious about Salazar's history though. Where he got his magic. There's an underlying mystery with him that i'm curious about.

Really great start on this! I love your description and your story telling skills. It makes the story easy to read and makes me want to come back for more!

Author's Response: ZAYNE. These reviews were a day-maker for sure, and I just love going back to look at them. I am so thrilled that you're enjoying the story! Now I'll try and respond coherently :)

I wanted to go for a folk tale-ish sort of style with this. I love that image of a storyteller...I'm so glad the tone conjured that feeling for you! And oh goodness, these characters. I have grown to love them so much, especially Helga. Your description of the traveling band fits what's in my head exactly, and I just knew that's how I wanted Helga to be.

I'm glad you liked hearing a little about their histories. I don't delve into Salazar's early life much yet, but that comes :) I wanted to keep just a touch of mystery about him.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and review! Your kind words just mean the world to me :)


 Report Review

Review #61, by SilentConfessionChanged: Changed

10th July 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge.

It makes sense to me that someone whose experienced what your main character has would hide from the world. Would punish herself for being a coward. It shows how much the war and the event affected her. I mean, i think if anyone is faced with that decisions to save oneself or your friends and they chose oneself it's going to leave them hollow afterwards. Or, at the very least, questioning who they are. I liked how you rolled that into this story. How she's doing penitence for her regret and it makes me think like it is easy for us to make the decision that of course we'd chose to stand up and fight for our friends but when you're actually in that situation I can't imagine it being as easy as that.

I wish there could be more and I almost feel like having a bit longer story would have made this a little more impacting. Sometimes it is hard to get the emotion and the horror really apparent in such a small amount of words. You spent a quite a lot of time describing her looks and the beauty around her. Sometimes horror relies on the way you use words and how you describe these things. The hopefulness of some bits of this (how you describe the autumn, the colour of the sunlight etc) negate the horror that she went through a little.

I don't mean to say this isn't a good story because it is. I think you've done a nice job at capturing an OC's role in the war and the pressures that people face, namely my life or theirs? Really lovely work, thank you so much for entering my challenge! i really enjoy being introduced to this piece!

Author's Response: Hello!
First of all, thanks for the wonderful challenge. It was hard to fit everything in 500 words, so I was afraid the story wasn't effective enough. Your review made my day! :)
I know I should've written more, but at the same time, I wanted to try my hand at the Every Word Counts challenge. =]

Thank you so much dear! :D

 Report Review

Review #62, by SilentConfessionLosing the Happy Ending: Tears in the Dark

3rd July 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge!

This is such an interesting time to explore! I don't think i've ever read a story that documents the last months/weeks of the Longbottom's life. It's part of the first war that definitely gets ignored. But I think it could be one of the most powerful times because although Voldemort was gone was the war truly over? Did all the murders, tortures, and abductions just suddenly end? I would probably say no and i'm excited to see where you go from here.

I like how you described some of the things they had to do for the war and how their house had to become another extension of their office at work. It's like they could never have a moment of reprieve and a moment to be away from the war. it consumed them.

The moment you chose to kick start the story too is really great and I feel like there is a more horrifying story to come because of this. I feel like it's going to push Alice over some ledge.

It's interesting that explore how they chose certain calls over others. It makes me wonder though why they wouldn't have send some to tend to the muggles and others to tend to the wizarding folk? Also another question I had while reading this is would the Ministry allow files or reports to leave the Ministry and to stay at a home? It would be much to easy for those files which would be confidential to get in the wrong hands if the Longbottom's are attacked (or any of the other Auror's who do the same).

You have a good story telling voice though and you've chosen a good moment to start your story. There is a weird bittersweet sense to it because we know that the war is over but Alice doesn't and we also know that it eventually takes their lives. It makes this moment especially sad because I can't stop thinking of what's in store for them and that their horror isn't over yet.

Thanks so much for entering my challenge!!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I was actually pretty excited about writing this one and I am currently working on the next bit which would be the one the dooms them both. I think the Longbottom situation really intrigued me for precisely the reason you pointed out...just because Voldemort was dead, that didn't mean the war was over. This is something that armies in the history of the world have dealt with so many times over in real life that I thought it was important to delve into. Just because peace is declared or the evil tyrant in charge is beaten, doesn't mean soldiers at the front just get up shake hands with each other and go home.

I like that you caught on about the files being at their home. My whole point in that was, in a way, to showcase just how chaotic things were at the ministry. In regular, peacetime operations, the thought of bringing files home would have been a HUGE security breach and not have been allowed under any circumstances. But also along those lines, a case, in non-wartime situations, would never be ignored and/or forgotten about either. Their home office was symbolic of the whole desperate times call for desperate measures. The increased operation tempo and the dwindling staff members caused certain things to be overlooked or ignored. (But this will be made a little more clear in the next chapter as well...)

Be on the lookout for the next bit, because I have some awesome ideas if I can get them to translate to paper! LOL!

 Report Review

Review #63, by SilentConfessionSoul Set Aflame : Chapter 1

1st July 2013:
Ah! Jami! What can I even say about this? This is a really powerful story and the perspective you chose to write it in is absolutely perfect.

The beginning bit was really well written and you got across Tully's emotions of disgust so vividly that I felt it myself. Images of acidic vile, the million cries for mercy, hopeless faces. It really brings across the horrors that were happening in just this one family home. It makes me think that if this was happening in this one place than the carnage that were outside the walls were so much worse. So even though you were writing very specifically here I got a bigger sense of what was happening in the world, weirdly enough.

I love how you chose Tully to tell the story. It was was a lovely choice to make to really see through the eyes of an elf. It made me really sad though to see the progression of her thoughts. How she used to love her master but then he got cruel and those feelings were slowly chased away. It made it really seem like it was a hell that poor Tully was having to live through each day. Also the fact that the destruction was happening all around her and she couldn't do much about it. It takes a really special elf to break the rules of their master (like Dobby did sort of though there were things he couldn't say even) and to see how it ended for her, although inevitable, made me massively sad. Obviously I wanted her to just go but I think it was a lot better you did it the way you did. You gave her a hopeless situation and she died in an equally hopeless situation. That has a more impact than if she had some grand exit.

There was also this disturbing theme of death throughout the whole thing and tied your story even with the slaughter of the Bones' family (?? I'm assuming anyway). It was all really well tied together and I like how you sneaked in that little canon detail in there. It helps ground your story and makes it that more believable.

I also love that you snuck James and Sirius in there! *swoons* I love how you've written them, Sirius with his dark humour and James' sarcasm. It mixed really well together and I liked how you mixed some of their plans with Tully's own commentary of how she knew they wouldn't get free. It just made it all seem more chilling and dark. Also, it is exactly how i'd see them act in that situation and humour is a way that some people use to disassociate themselves from the current situation.

The ending as i've mentioned before is great! It really ties the whole story together I think and makes this story really special. It just reminds me of the theme that being good won't always get you out alive. Really lovely job at writing this Jami and i'm so pleased that you entered the challenge so I had a chance to read this! Thank you! :)

Author's Response: Hi Zayne ♥

When I saw your challenge I really wanted to join with something that wasn't any of the 'big' first war tragedies. I've always wanted to make myself write something dark without using the dark canon facts, like Lily and James's death or Alice and Frank's or Peter's betrayal. Whenever I think of writing horror those always come to mind, so I was super excited to try and write something that involved first war horror but not as much in my comfort zone.

Ahhh I'm so happy you liked Tully! The idea of showing something terrible through the eyes of someone who had no choice but to experience it totally drew me in. Naming Tully was a pain, though. I always have trouble naming house-elves :P!

I wanted to give her a happy ending too :(! But it didn't seem realistic. Dobby is actually who I used for a point of reference trying to figure out how MUCH elves could disobey. And it just didn't seem like Tully would be able to break the bonds that easily when Dobby couldn't even tell Harry exactly what was dangerous. I'm so excited that you understood why I gave her the ending I did, because I felt kind of mean for it, haha!

Yes! This ties in with the slaughter of the Bone's family! I'm super excited you picked that up. That's the best part about other Marauders writers, they pick up on the small canon details most people don't :P

Hahah I couldn't resist getting those two in there, could I?! :P I'm so excited you liked them in it! I'm just excited about everything you're saying in general, and you're making me feel too happy and fuzzy ♥

I'm so, so happy you liked this and thank you so much for holding the challenge! It was a lot of fun, well, sad fun... to write and I loved the challenge of trying to come up with something!

♥ Jami

 Report Review

Review #64, by SilentConfessionPeriphery: Periphery

28th June 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge!

I just about cried when I read this because it makes me so sad to think of what Barty could have been given better circumstance. Given that the war wasn't there and his father wasn't obsessed with it. You made him vulnerable here, a boy who was forced into an adult world. He still needed his fathers love and approval and it was interesting to see how far a person can go just to be accepted and needed.

I liked how you described Voldemort. I've always seen him as someone who will make people feel included, needed. Almost fatherly, especially in the beginning when he's accepting new followers. That evokes more people to follow a leader blindly. More than just plain fear. Obviously a lot of his followers came from fear but I think a lot also came from him being able to accept them (Giants, werewolves for instance) and give them a place amongst his ranks. I think it's great that you decided to explore that and also show Barty's resistance to killing people. It shows that what he was doing was rebellion against his father and his need to find himself. He didn't find himself and he realized that in this because he knew that the acceptance was only to gain and groom more followers. More people to do Voldemort's dirty work.

The ending was great too. How it leaves in question what Barty is feeling and I think opens up Barty to becoming the man we know in GoF. His father did not save him, left him to rot in Azkaban and therefore he realizes what he was to his father. Dead. And he just reciprocates that and his father becomes dead to him. I think it completely destroys whatever was holding Barty back from being a complete maniac follower of Voldemort.

Also interesting was your mention of how he used his fathers use of Unforgiveables as being okay so it really wasn't bad to use them and it made both sides just as wrong as the other. I loved that little detail and I agree with it so much. If we can't show a better way to live rather than dipping to the level that the people we fight against than we don't deserve to be seen as the good side. Just a side fighting for power. Some may find it necessary but it's not showing the DE's, people who are leaving school, or children, that killing someone or torturing someone is wrong. As long as there's a 'reason' why you're doing it, it's okay.

Anyway, back to Barty. He was a victim and he let that dictate his actions. He could've been better, could've went another way, it was his choice to be what he was but he wasn't strong enough. This shows his weakness and i think you've done a great job at exploring that while exploring how the war can effect a family, and an individual.

The only thing i can mention is the first couple sentences in the first paragraph in vii was a bit awkward and confusing. I think i get what you're trying to say but it's just worded weirdly. Also the bit with Bellatrix and her storming into his flat seem a bit odd. Not that how you've written it wouldn't be how it happened. It's just, i guess i'd have liked to see some lead up to why she'd chose him of all the other DE's to come along with them to the Longbottoms. It seemed random as he's mentioned the feeling of acceptance had worn off from being included with the DE's so it leads me to think he wasn't a massive part of the movement. So why would someone like Bella think to call him to find Voldemort?

Those are just small things though. I think overall you've done a great job weaving this story together and showing the war through a characters eye and how it ruined this families life. Thank you so much for entering this challenge! It was lovely to read this! :)

Author's Response: Wow is all I can say to this review, and I'll definitely do my best to address all the points you said!

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry that I nearly made you cry! I never really thought much about Barty and then when given him to write about his life I realised how insanely tragic his life is mainly due to, like you said, what it could have been like and it really is interesting to ponder what he could have turned out to be.

I'm glad that you liked my description of Voldemort, because that's what I imagined him to be like to those people who weren't entirely sure about joining up, because giving them that comfort would make them want to stay. I'm glad that you liked the bit about him not wanting to kill others because I never thought he would be like that and it makes him even more vulnerable to a certain extent.

I'm so glad that you liked the ending, as I was really get nervous about them due to the climatic build-up to them. What you said about his father was really interesting as it almost shows that they are both as bad as the other due to Barty snr. giving up on his son and then his son turning into what he was.

I'm so glad that you loved the bit about the unforgivables because I think that was a really amazing theme JK included into the books and I really wanted to show it here. I completely agree with everything you said, and it shows with Harry because he never killed anyone but he still managed to defeat Voldemort, whereas others who did resort to those levels, such as Barty, suffered as a consequence.

Re-reading those sentences, I feel so stupid for not realising how awkwardly phrased they were beforehand. I'll definitely go back and make what I'm trying to say more clear and easy to read! I know what you mean about the Bellatrix scene because I felt as if something was missing from it but no one had said anything so I thought it might just be. I'll try and explain his feelings towards Voldemort and Bellatrix better and hopefully that will straighten out the section!

Thank you so much for this fantastic review, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it! I'll be looking forward to seeing the results :)


 Report Review

Review #65, by SilentConfessionWolf Calling: Decision

27th June 2013:

This is a wicked beginning. I really got a sense of Louis here and i love that because i'm already connected to him as a character. Which is cool that you were able to pack so much characterization within a single chapter and yet I didn't feel like it was an overload either. The best thing, for me, is having good characters in your story. I don't mean they have to be on the good side or necessarily even likable but if they are well thought out, rounded, and human then the story is loads better. It makes me want to continue reading.

You've done that here. You've made this really interesting character. He's analytical, he's introverted but it doesn't mean he can't talk your ear off, he loves his family, he has a big heart. You introduce some of these characteristics gradually and subtly and all the while you are also introducing the plot and increasing tension. There's a werewolf on the lose and who better and more connect than Louis to help with the team? I like how you've made it personal for him, his nephew is a werewolf, his brother in law's father was one, and his father was bitten by one. There's a lot of questions for me of where this is going and what to expect but i love that and it's a really lovely way to set the scene.

I'm sorry this review focussed so much on Louis but I like what you've done with him and that there is a story that is featuring him as a main character! I shall be back to review some more :)


Author's Response: Aww, thanks, Zayne! ♥ I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying Louis's character already. I hope you continue to enjoy the story when you come back to read more. I really wanted to write a fic from one of the next gen characters that often are pushed to the background because their minds aren't explored as often as say James Sirius's, Albus Severus's, Lily Luna's, Rose's, Molly II's, or Scorpius's. And it makes me happy to know that I've created a character in Louis that is fitting for the plot and makes you like him the more you learn about him as a character. Thanks again for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #66, by SilentConfessionShackle The Bolts!: Soap, Mirror, Hairbrush, Doll

27th June 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge!

This is an interesting premise you've started with. It's not something that gets explored a lot in fanfiction actually. The prison of Azkaban that sits lonely on top a rock. There is a lot of potential for this sort of story, especially in the horror/dark department considering the nature of the place. I think you capitalized on the eeriness and some of the darkness that surrounds the place. It kind of reminded me of Shutter Island actually with the lighthouse. With that image in my head it made the tension build quite a lot.

I'm also curious to know the significance of those items. If they were chosen at random or if they items mean something deeper for Kingsley or Dorian. But it seems like that room is going to play a massive role for the characters sanity. Did Kingsley find a old prison cell of someone from the past and he's experiencing time lapses to when they were kept there? You've introduced a lot of questions for your first chapter and that is a good thing as people are going to want to read on to figure out what's going to happen.

Dorian Rosier is an interesting character. He's tied to the Death Eaters but he's made the choice to not be part of them and fight on the other side instead. This is going to add a lot of tension into the story already. It makes me wonder if he is Dean Thomas' father? Anyway, I like that this bit of the story has a lot of potential to be developed in later chapters and I can see it playing a role when they actually get to Azkaban to do their interviewing.

Kingsley. He's younger here, more inexperienced. It is interesting to see him like this because we're used to the powerful, centered man of Kingsley and so having him now being plagued by ghosts? or plagued by his own mind adds an interesting twist to his characterization.

One thing i'd suggest is to break up your blocky paragraphs a little. It made it hard to read and detracted from the feeling of the story as i spent more time making sure i was reading the right line than just being immersed into the storyline.

I'd also say watch out for your dialogue a little. Some of it seemed a little forced and scripted. Dialogue is massively important as it can characterize a person just as much as action or description can so make sure that what they are saying also matches you images of the characters in your head.

This is an interesting start you have here and I like that it's exploring a theme that isn't explored very much in fanfiction. Great start! I'm glad i was able to read this!

Author's Response: thank you for reading this. i'm glad that you like the premise and i can guarantee that the more answers you'll get might lead to more questions.
yeah, what you said about the dialogue is true, i actually went back to reread it and it did sound forced and unnatural...i'll work on that in the future chapters.
Thanks for reading, i really appreciate it, and your challenge helped me get back into the hpff world cos i've been awol for some time now.

 Report Review

Review #67, by SilentConfessionA Flash of Green Light: James and Lily

25th June 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge! i've really enjoyed reading this.

You're the second person to chose this moment to portray and I think you've done a great job at trying to capture such an important, emotional scene. This is where the whole books starts really, it all comes back to this sacrifice. It's a huge moment and i commend you for exploring it more and making it your own.

What I really liked about this is just the despair Lily feels when she realizes that she can't save Harry. That she's trapped and it's only a matter of time before Voldemort comes for her and him. The fact that you went into some detail about the night also made this stand out. You showed that it was just a regular day, that they had enjoyed themselves today with seeing their mates and it was a strange juxtaposition that those moments only just seemed to happen and yet now they are facing their death.

I like how the ended was focussed on Harry. How she thought that if she could she'd give up everything for Harry. It showed the love she had for him and showed her sacrifice as being pure. The kind of sacrifice that would stop Voldemort from being able to kill Harry in the end.

It's great also that you were able to convey so much with so little words as well. That is definitely something you should be proud of because it's hard to get across a moment in 500 words for sure. I wished i could have seen some more sensory and emotional detail. However, i felt like with the small amount of words you used you were able to paint a picture of the sadness that a loss of a son and husband would mean to a person and how the darkness of the world was just choking them all.

I really enjoyed this! Thanks for entering!

Author's Response: This is really such a lovely review. I felt like writing James and Lily's death is something so delicate because it needs to be approached with so much care and thoughtfulness that I'm glad you enjoyed this one-shot!

I definitely will take into consideration the fact that there could be more sensory and emotional detail; that really would have added tons to this story.

Thanks for reading and it is my pleasure to enter the challenge! Thanks for your lovely review! (:

 Report Review

Review #68, by SilentConfessionThe Signing: The Signing

20th June 2013:
Hey! Thank you so much for entering my challenge! I've really enjoyed reading this.

I'm such a big sucker for minor character stories. They are honestly my favourite because it opens up so much more to JKR's world, which i love, obviously. I have never read a Barty Crouch story and it's definitely an intriguing moment to capture. It's interesting to see this because it's a pivotal time in his life and asks a lot of moral type questions. Are we better then them if we stoop to their levels? That's just one of the things you address here and i can see how it would be something that someone would struggle with. It was interesting to see it from his perspective too because everything in the one-shot just screamed Barty. You nailed his characterization i think. The seriousness of him, the way he seems almost cold in how he makes his decisions and yet there is an underlying caring about him as well as he thinks of how much the world is hurting.

It makes me wonder though how this affected him later one. Does this start a spiral for him where he does change? Where he becomes even more focussed on destroying the DE's and everything they stand for? Will he dip and be at their level as the times goes on? I guess it just makes me want more to see the repercussions of this decision. You can't explore that with one-shot but i think it's great that this story has opened up those questions!

I liked that you gave a view of what the wizarding world and muggle world were becoming. The mysterious deaths, the climbers gone missing, close friends dying, family in danger. It gave a rounded idea that there was chaos outside his door and this moment of him trying to decide what was right or wrong was the perfect choice for you to explore some of that chaos.

This is a very straight forward kind of way of exploring how this choice was brought on and what the pressures where that pushed him to make it. His logic was clear and easy to understand so it was no surprise really when he signed it. It really showed Barty for who he was. A no one sense sort of guy who's just doing what needs to be done. I wonder if he'll regret the choice as we know that he had a rise and fall with the Ministry where people wanted him for Minister but in the end he was demoted.

The only CC i could give and i only say this from the perspective of what i set out for the challenge was that i would've liked to feel the horror more. It's hard seeing the character you're using but I wanted to get a deep, gripping sense of horror and darkness. I think that although you explained the chaos really well and gave a really neat look into the pressures that a Ministry official would face, a more tactile, organic approach where I felt along with him the chaos and fear that was around him might have made this seem more emotional. Perhaps a little more imagery and different uses of the senses would have brought this closer to home. Like what was he smelling, how did the parchment feel under his fingertips? Was the air hot or cold around him? These sorts of things give a broader and rounder impact to the story.

Otherwise you do have a great one-shot here and you have a really nice writing style! Thank you so much for entering my challenge and I hope you enjoyed writing this as much as i enjoyed reading you story! Really lovely work! :)

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for such a long and detailed review!

I completely agree with you about minor characters - they are my favourite to write because they give you so much freedom to explore in your writing. I'm really pleased that you could sense the internal conflict that he experienced in this moment and that you thought I got his characterisation right. I wanted to show him for the sort of character that he's portrayed as in the books, but at the same time I wanted to show a different side to him, one that wasn't necessarily seen by the general public.

I'm happy that it made you think and ask questions, even if I couldn't answer them with a one-shot!

After writing this I realised that there probably wasn't as much horror as you would have liked for this challenge - I found it quite hard to write with a character like Barty, since he's so down to earth and methodical in his thinking. I'll definitely look back at this and consider your suggestions, because I've found them really helpful!

I did really enjoy writing it, and thank you for setting this challenge - I'm happy you enjoyed reading it as well! Thank you for the lovely review!

Sian :)

 Report Review

Review #69, by SilentConfessionThe Worst: Reflecting and Brooding

13th June 2013:

You're characterization of Dom is good so far. I like this added bit of her fear of werewolves is that she fears she will become a monster even in the other days. It'll be interesting to see how this manifests itself in later chapters because that could be a very powerful force. I think the only thing you could look at with her is to be sure her emotions feel real and that she's not just thinking emotionally (angry, happy, sad, depressed) but is also acting that way as well and it would probably even show in her dialogue as well. It will make us connect with her even more.

The boss. I am suspicious of her. I was suspicious of her the minute she came onto the scene because her caring seemed fake. I don't know if you meant for it to feel that way but if you did great job. She seems like the only thing she wants Dom for is to capitalize on the condition and if Dom was to refuse and not want to be used and paraded around then things could easily turn out very badly between the two. I think the way you've written her adds a very interesting dynamic into the story and i'm excited to see where it goes. I don't like her though and Dom probably needs to watch out.

The flashback was interesting. It gave us a look into how the relationship began and showed that they suited each other well. It was good to show that this story won't have the awkward Dom-Teddy-Vic triangle in it. However, i felt like some of the dialogue in that bit seemed scripted. I thought it flowed with the story alright because something set off her memory of it i would just suggest trying to smooth it out. Maybe add more description with the talk so we get more of a feel for the moment? This has less to do with the flashback but i am interested to see the dynamic between Teddy and Dom. We've heard it talked about but it hasn't really been seen firsthand yet so i'm curious to know how they will seem when they are finally interacting together (even though the end gives you a hint that something bad is up!)

The pace is going fine at the moment I think. We see Dom just trying to get her bearings and understand herself. We see that she's trying to ingest what's happened and it's still haunting her. The biggest moment you had of that is when she is looking at her scars. The ending is also really interesting and leaves the reader begging to know why her boyfriend who's supposedly been really supportive through their relationship is so unhappy to see her!!

Thank you so much for requesting! I hope you found this review helpful! :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a ton for reading and reviewing once again. All your reviews have been so helpful since I really want to improve, so I'll be definitely referring to them once my holidays begin and I get editing!

I am glad you're liking Dom's characterisation. I'll surely follow your advice and try to incorporate her emotions into her actions as well, though in my mind she's more of a person who likes to keep her emotions in her (except for her outburst in the previous chapter which was slightly unexpected) so it may not be much. I'll definitely try to explore her further though.

It's a relief (what a word) that you find the boss suspicious as that was entirely my intention and you'll see why (if you read on) in the future chapters. Dom definitely needs to watch out, lol. More of the boss will be seen later!

Yeah, I wanted to show the fact that there is definitely no triangle here so I am pleased you liked the flashback. I am not too good with dialogue, but I'll try to fix it as much as I can. I'll definitely try to add more description and such. You'll surely see plenty of Dom and Teddy firsthand in next chapters!

I am relieved that the pace is going fine, and it's not too slow, though things are going to pick up from chapter four. I am glad you liked that scar moment as it was one of my favourites to write. More on why Teddy looks unhappy in the next chapter.

Thanks a ton for all your lovely words and advice and I'll surely re-request for next chapters.

 Report Review

Review #70, by SilentConfessionThe Joker and Her: Birthdays

12th June 2013:

I really enjoyed this chapter. I liked the lightness of some of the parts and I think what really stuck out to me was how spot on you were with the twins in this chapter. They seemed perfect in this chapter, their humour, weirdness, and yet seem to still be a good friend. You've done an excellent job at capturing them! Honestly!

This chapter had all sorts of awkward in it. I mean just cringeworthy kind of stuff! I loved it because it really shows George and how it's really hard for him to do things and be smooth without his twin. It was also the perfect awkward 15 year trying to portray his feelings and failing oh so miserably at it. It was great and i want them to catch a break but i love how you keep the tension there. Why did you have to lunge George? It was also just so typical for him to start laughing like a fool just before he seals the deal.

I thought it was interesting that you decided to centre around their birthday's here to show the passing of time. Generally this was a good idea but i did feel that it was a little forced and rushed. I guess because so much time passed (feb - june) I think that throughout this chapter the dramatic tension did ease for me because if little happens in those months then maybe everything is alright. It could be interpreted as the calm before the storm however this being one of the last chapters of your story I think it might have been more build up.

I don't know what you could do seeing as you are the only one who knows where this story is going. But perhaps use some foreshadowing?

However, saying all that the end was brilliant. It brought everything that has been underlying your story right up front because i'm immediately suspicious of it and i keep wondering if she sent it or the person who's after her. It gives the feeling like the last few months have just been lulling her into a sense of security and she's about to experience another massive upheaval.

Generally this chapter is good. You show a lot about the relationships in this chapter, you wrap up the school year, and keep it focussed on canon OWL events. The only concern i have is the slowness of the bulk of the chapter but that doesn't necessarily make it a bad chapter, it just depends where the end of the story is going. Sorry i could be more helpful! Thanks for requesting!

Author's Response: Hi! Great to hear from you again :)

Really wanted to make Fred and George stick out here, and give them some characterisation. Also wanted to add a "milestone" (kind of) for Brienne and George. Baby steps to a breakthrough hopefully xD

I think what I'm going to do is make Paisley's birthday in March instead of February- it isn't crucially important that her birth sign be Pisces anyway xD I very much don't want it to feel forced or like I couldn't think of enough stuff to happen in those months xD I just thought it would be a neat way to link up the rest of their year. Perhaps I could add some of Brienne's uneasiness in there :) Thank you for your help in this part of it!

I'm so glad you liked the ending! I feel mean dropping such massive cliffhangers in there, but it's drammatically satisfying to me to write them :)

Thank you so much for your review! :D

 Report Review

Review #71, by SilentConfessionHer Emerald Eyes: Her Emerald Eyes

11th June 2013:
Hi, I'm here for your review!

So this is a very intense moment. It's really one of the biggest moments of the series in my opinion as the story revolves around this sacrifice of Lily's. So i commend you for trying to capture the last moment of Lily's life. It's interesting to see what she might have been thinking during that moment in her life when she realizes that her family is going to die.

There was a weird sense of hope throughout this. I'm not sure why i picked up on that at all since it isn't a piece that really portrays that. I suppose it was because Lily was reflecting one the fact that she wouldn't change anything and that, in the end, she'd be with those who she loved and had died before her. With those few things it took the edge of a sad, destructive moment because Lily, although is giving up, is also looking forward and still appreciating that she was able to live the life she lived.

I'd have loved to have gotten a deeper sense of this moment. Some of the smells, the feeling of Harry's soft skin under her lips. What does Lily look like in the scene? How is she standing? I felt detached because there were times that Lily felt like a floating entity in the room without anyone directing her actions. The main purpose of the challenge was to bring people into the moment, for them to feel everything Lily was feeling. To feel the horror that she was losing her life, that she was losing her husband and her kid. That with their deaths so goes the hope of the wizarding world. I would have loved to get a sense of that. There were times you did this well, especially with how you portrayed some of her emotions and how she mourned the loss of the love of her life. But sometimes getting the atmosphere of a moment is more than just describing the emotions. If you worked on that and creating a deeper more rounded atmosphere you'd have an even better piece than you already do.

I don't mean to be critical but i'm just looking at this piece through the eyes of what i was looking for with the challenge. I think that you've chosen a really cool moment of the first war to explore and i can't imagine what it would be like to look death in the face like that! Thank you so much for entering y challenge! I've enjoyed reading this piece!

Author's Response: I totally agree - I do think I could improve the mood and could make the reader more attached to the scene.
Thanks for reviewing,
~ Macy

 Report Review

Review #72, by SilentConfessionThe Marauder Years: An Expected Letter

10th June 2013:
Hey! I'm here for your review request!

You have a nice writing style. It makes reading this so much nicer and clear. It's simple but very to the point and it allows me to see everything you're describing clearly. You also have a really great balance of dialogue and description here which is great! It gives the first chapter a very rounded feeling to it. (i would however suggest to work on what you say with your dialogue because dialogue can characterize characters just as much as description and so far it seems quite formal, making the Evans family seem slightly stiff.)

Generally you're flow is really great and easy to read but there are times that you misuse commas and the sentences get really long. It disrupts the flow a bit and takes the reader out of the story briefly. I'd suggest going over it one more time to clear that up.

So far you've played it quite safe characterization wise. I think Petunia might be my favourite because we see the hurt that she experiences loosing her sister, feeling left out and not special because she didn't get any magical ability, and that she really loved Lily at one point. It brings a lot of emotion to your story because with this once thing it tears everything that Petunia knew away from her and she can't handle it.

It's hard to comment on your other characters as it is so early on in your story and you may have other plans for them. But right now it seems like they are this perfect little family and Lily appears almost saint like even as a little girl. It would be great to see you make her your own and give her a twist in her personality. Just don't fall into the trap of making Lily perfect and a wonderful person, she was human after all. What you've done really well though is giving her soul and spirit. You've kept her canon which is great, but as i said before don't be afraid to round out her character as the story continues.

The parents seemed a bit flat to me and although appeared loving and kind they also showed no resistance to the fact that their daughter was a witch. I'm not sure if that would be something that could be easily accepted or believed. To me it made them seem unreal as parents.

You also asked about plot and at the moment i can't comment on it as you haven't give too much about what is going to push this on yet. This is okay as you've just introduced your characters, you've also introduced the fact that Lily is going to have to deal with the loss of her sister, and that she'll miss her family. This is all a great base to start off with and shows that there is a story to tell.

Thank you for requesting me! I hope you found this review helpful :)

Author's Response: Hey! Thankyou very much for the great review.

I have thought my writing style was quite simple (and am rather envious of some of the fantastically talented authors on this site) so it is nice to know that it's nice and that it works, and is not too simple. It is also good to hear that the balance between dialogue and description is great :) I have had a few comments about the dialogue being quite formal and am going to edit to (hopefully) make it better.

I'm glad you thought the flow was generally good. I will go over the chapter again to work on the long sentences and comma use.

I have quite a bit planned for the relationship between Lily and Petunia, and the downfall of it. These plans include Lily being far from saint-like and will hopefully show that it was not all Petunia's fault. I'm glad you liked Petunia - I actually feel quite sorry for her!

I agree with your comments about Lily's parents and am going to work on this chapter to make them more believable.

Thanks again for the review! I found it really helpful :)

 Report Review

Review #73, by SilentConfessionHowl. : Howl

5th June 2013:
Hey! I'm here for your review request

You asked specifically about defining the era properly. From what i can tell - and that's from the A/N at the end that this happened at the end of the first war and went from there. If i had not read the A/N though i probably wouldn't really know where this story was placed. The only thing that you did in the story itself was mention The Dark Lord and Death Eaters. How would you define the era? you could add some more detail in. Who is this person that is stalking her (give us some hints, is it an OC is it canon, why are they so obsessed with following Voldemorts orders, even after he's gone?), you could also ground your story in canon a little more. Mention the outside events a bit. Like in your A/N you said that it's the night Voldemort dies- mention that in your actual story. It would only have to be one or two sentences where you might mention 'even when the Dark Lord fell/was destroyed by a child i knew what had to be done, that the woman had to be killed.' Something along those lines would help us with the era issue. It would also show the insanity of your narrator as well as he has this intense compulsion to carry through with orders even if his side has seemed to have lost at that moment

There are a few other things that I think you could be clearer with - like the person became a vampire? Add more details perhaps to so that there is a little more clarity as the only way i knew was the A/N at the end. I suppose i missed the sharp teeth bit, but i think i took that as a of a metaphor for the woman's anger of being held captive and then stalked and perhaps turned into a cannibal or the whole ending bit was just a metaphor. Either way it's a chilling way to end the one-shot but if you cleaned up some of your description and added a few more details surrounding your characters you'd have a really nice piece here.

A couple more points that i picked up on

- you mention that she's looking at her torn clothing at one point but this doesn't follow with how you described the woman before as her being naked under the robe.

Also be careful with your word choice. Word choice can mean everything in a story and can have a really strong effect on the atmosphere you want to create in your story. You usually use appropriate words to get the feeling across though there were a few times i felt jolted out of the scene by how you chose to describe things. An example would be when you describe you character prancing out into the field after the woman. In my mind i have this image of the character frolicking gaily through the meadow, sort of like a character from a fairytale.

I do think you have an interesting plot here and you describe things well in many respects. How i can see you character in the cell, her bruised and battered body and the animosity of the narrator seems to really spill of the page well. You have a nice writing voice which makes reading your work really nice. Thank you so much for requesting me. I hope that you found this review helpful :)

Author's Response: This review has been more than helpful, you've really pointed out some stuff that I feel stupid to have missed out on. :P. Like you pointed out. I'll develop it more. Both the characters and the ambiance.

 Report Review

Review #74, by SilentConfessionThe Joker and Her: Information

4th June 2013:

I'm really happy you requested in my thread because i'd been meaning to read and review this chapter for ages but things just kept cropping up! I'm here now though!

What i really liked about this chapter was how well it ties in with canon and yet you've made the canon event fit perfectly with your own plot. It's wicked to be honest how you've made this event be a catalyst for her blurting out what she's going through. It really grounds your story and makes it feel like it was actually happening during that time. Which is quite cool to be honest. I also like how it explores other people's experience with the second wizarding war and how it affected them as well. It gives a really broad view of how destructive this thing was and that no one was left unscathed.

the reactions of her friends- at first i didn't like it and i thought it fell flat. Like they seemed really chill about it and almost just disregarded it. But then i started thinking about it and thinking of the twins and how they reacted to Harry going through a rough time being called the heir of Slytherin in his second year and how they basically just made a joke out of it. They didn't take it seriously although i know that they cared about the outcome, which was fine because that was who they were. I also thought that these guys are like 15 and they don't know how to respond to this! If i was that age and someone told me a murderer was after t hem i'd just be like 'oh' and ' oh dear and really? why' There isn't something that dictates what to do in that sort of situation and I think many would try to brush it off or make it seem as if it's not such a big deal because the idea that someone is after your mate is almost too much to bear. So, in the end i really liked how you had them respond. How George was still uncertain about it and made a joke and how they just tried to almost pretend that everything was fine and it wasn't such a big deal.

Some CC i could give is that at the beginning where she's freaking out and then annoyed at herself for blurting it out i felt could have been more emotionally meaningful. Just a suggestion but maybe you could have her freaking out over it mixed in with the three friends talking over each other or even before they begin talking over one another. It would increase the tension and emotion of that moment where it would be a little chaotic but that would be good in that situation considering what she just said. She may not even hear their exact words either because she's hyperventilating.

Another quick question - how did Nyx get the letter from Stanley? Did she send the owl to him? Usually its the individual's own owl that will deliver the messages rather than the receivers owl.

The ending was quite cool as well. I liked the ominous tone of it and the mystery of it because it makes me feel like things are really going to be changing for Brienne and not in a good way either.

Thank you for requesting again! It's been a delight to read this chapter! Feel free to request again :)

Author's Response: Hi! :D Thank you very much!

Yeah, fitting this with canon is both difficult and fun :) I don't want to change canon but fit this story into it, so I'm glad you think I've done that well in this chapter :)

I'm very glad you think the guy's reactions were realistic xD I didn't want them to be too nonchalent but also not like 'OMG we need to fix this right now right now!' because like you said that's not really who they are xD

Brienne did send Nyx to Stanley, and looking through the chapter I can see I didn't specify that xD Thanks for pointing it out, I will fix that sharpish :)

I'm so glad you liked it, and thank you very much for your review :)

 Report Review

Review #75, by SilentConfessionThe Girl from Slytherin : Prologue

31st May 2013:
Hey! I'm so sorry for how long this requested review has taken! I've been so busy lately with work that I haven't had time to really read much ff lately. Thank you so much for your patience.

I can see why your prologue would have a good response as it is a great start to the story. It pulls the reader right into the action of the story and leaves the reader with a lot of questions. Which is always a good thing for a prologue to do. It also gives us enough information to know bits and pieces of who this woman is and what pressures she has to deal with. It definitely draws the reader in and functions really great as a beginning of the story type chapter.

From this chapter you can tell that your main character seems to have some issue with what's going on and may not agree fully with the practices that are going on around her though there is no way out for her. So she just goes through the motions of trying to just survive. I liked some of the ideas you brought in that made this chapter more sinister how that even though she was dressed by these people, played with their sons and daughters they would not hesitate to kill her as well. That was really vivid and brought out the harshness of these people.

One critique I could give is that I wish there was a little more description. I felt like seeing the action a little more in my head would have pulled me into the tale a bit more however there were moments i just couldn't really see what was happening. You did a good job of getting across her emotions and her fears but it just felt like she was floating in space sometimes without a setting. Description and detail will help make the chapter even more pulling than it already is. It'll make your story stand out from the rest.

Everything else about the chapter was fine though. I felt like it wasn't at all confusing and you did a good job at showing where your characters are standing and i'm really interested to see how this girl has come to this point in her life and why, after being surrounded by Death Eaters, she hasn't adopted those beliefs herself.

Great job! Thank you so much for requesting from me and i'm really sorry again for how long it has taken. If you liked this review feel fee to request again :)

Author's Response: Hi! No worries at all, I'm just glad you see you got the chance to read the story! :)

I'm glad you liked the prologue, and that it pulled you into the story as that's the intention. It's good to hear it raises questions, and let me tell you many of those won't be answered until much later in the story! :P

I'm glad you could identify the characterizations of the main character and the contradictions she goes through. You're right, there are certain expectations even if she's learned to question them, and I'm glad you liked the sinister contrast of her familiarity with the Death Eaters yet the danger they present.

That's an excellent point, and I'll keep it in mind when going back to edit the story! :) I definitely agree, and will try to flesh out the story a little.

Thank you very much for this lovely review, it was certainly worth the wait! :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>