Hehehe, i like the idea of failed spellwork and how is massively made her hair a disaster. It reminded me of all my failed dyed hair attempts and i can just imagine her disdain. :D
I recently read a blog post about tired NextGen romance's and using the same plot line over and over. When i read this i was reminded of this because i didn't agree with the blog because it's the different twists in the stories that make a story great. This seems different already. It's not set at the Burrow, you're using Louis and Dom. I think you do have a great start to a story here and creating something really interesting. The tension that is bound to happen from the kiss and I like that it comes from her trying to use diverting tactics rather than her actually wondering if she likes him or not :D
Tam seems like an interesting character, she's spunky, a little out there, but fun to read about. I would like to know more about her, but i am glad you didn't shove all the information about her right away. No one likes information overload ;D
This mysterious critter though intrigues me and why Lysander is using his girlfriend as a smuggler. It makes for an interesting story and a nice twist on all the nextgen stories out there. Great job!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review! =)
I'm glad you find this story to be fresh amongst its peers. I guess the dilemma with Next Gen stories is that they need more character development from writers, where as Hogwarts era or Marauders are already filled with strong personalities ready to use.
I love the Shell Cottage and the sea, so it was easy to choose it for main location. There will be some other places, but I will try to stay out of typical Weasley gatherings.
I'm glad you like Tam. She has pretty strong personality, which makes her quite fun to write. She and the rest of the gang will have quite a summer adventure ahead of them.
Happy holidays! =) Report Review
I could tell it was a dream pretty early by the language you were using and just the overall tone of it. I thought it was a nice touch because it shows a lot about your character right away and it gave us an idea of how much she cares about healing and her job. It makes her hating being late and irresponsible more poignant and real. I wish we had spells as quick as her to make hair lay flat so quickly, it would be helpful for when I lay in! ;D
I really like the set up you have with this story and i've always had this idea that St. Mungo's could be a really interesting place for a first war story to take place. I connected to it because I suppose i see it the same way (at least, from what i get from the summary) that the Order may use it for their own advantage and that they wouldn't necessarily go there to be healed as the years go on because of mistrust and fear of which side the Healers are one. This is really intriguing and i'm definitely interested in reading more after this point.
I liked how Sirius introduced himself, he has this cocky way about him in your story that we can already tell which is great since we see so little of him. Although, it was a little hard to imagine she wouldn't have been able to figure out who it was as not many people were called Sirius at that time i don't think... though i suppose it would depend on their association at Hogwarts where she'd make that connection or not.
Lia also seems to be interesting and i think she'll be a strong voice to tell your story. I wonder how Sirius or the Order will convince them to help her and basically throw away her dreams of being a big time Healer.
Anywa, overall, i think this was a great first chapter and i really enjoyed reading this! It's a really interesting premise! Report Review
I love this! I'm such a fan of gritty post war stories that shows how hard it must have been for the students of Hogwarts to cope. I think you've done an excellent job of showing how hard it must have been and captured the haunting feeling of desperation and pain. Everything you wrote, the imagery, metaphors were negative and it really got across the terror that must have been occurring at Hogwarts during that year. I especially liked the image of kids screaming at nights in their bed because it just seems so poignant that it wasn't just the DA that were experiencing the harsh rule but everyone.
Neville's nightmare, oh my, it was just so real and emotional. I think it really highlights what Neville must have been feeling too when Harry hails Snape as one of the 'greatest' of war hero's. That would be a hard pill to swallow for Neville and for the students of Hogwarts because he turned his eyes when they needed someone to protect them the most. It doesn't help that Snape has always had that kind of bullying personality and has scared Neville into submission for years prior. It would be his worst nightmare to see his biggest fear hailed as a hero, as if everything he did was okay.
I loved that he didn't hate Harry for it though, just saw that their opinions would always be different and i have to say, i probably agree with him. Although Snape was Dumbledore's man i can't see it excusing his actions, especially prior to the last year especially for someone like Neville. Which is why i think choosing Neville as the narrator was such a good choice!
The ending was perfect because all people really need sometimes is someone who understands, who listens, and accepts. It tells them they are not alone in their troubles. It was great to see them connect like that and be able to then heal together. Really lovely work here!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your kind review! I actually had a lovely time writing this story. I think you're spot on about your thoughts between Snape and Neville. One thing I wish I would have done a little more of in this story is bring up the fears that Neville had had about Snape, have that play more of a part and its still something I might edit someday.
I don't think that Neville could ever hate Harry. I mean I think he is growing by not following everything Harry does anymore, but I don't think he could openly dislike Harry. I think it just shows how much he has matured as a person.
I am so very glad that you enjoyed my story, thank you so much for reading and reviewing I really appreciate it! Report Review
I've never read a Draco/Astoria story before. I'm not sure why as i'm sure they'd be really interesting but I guess i'm always a little apprehensive of some people's Draco's and turning him into an angel. I liked how you didn't do that with him here. He even knows his own fallacies and mistakes. He knows what he's done and he's haunted by the savagery of it. Haunted by his memories. It makes him relatable in a way because i think we all have something like that in us. Mistakes. Probably not as grisly as his though.
Anyway, i really liked this Draco if you couldn't tell. I liked how he still has this sense of darkness in him and how he just didn't want help. especially at the beginning you get this feeling of this idea he just wants to be in control of everything, of himself and his life and being at a therapist can mean letting go of that. It would be hard for someone like him.
And gah! Astoria. I really, really liked her. I was training to be a psychologist for a brief time and this feeling of being new to the field and trying to help even though your out of your depth is so familiar. I think you've done an excellent job at portraying a psychologist though. Her trying to stay cool through his outbursts and his desire to get under her skin. I can tell she's trying to figure her style out and keep her professionalism but i think that the situation is complicated because she was there for all the things he's talking about. I think that will probably make it all too personal in the chapters to come.
I think one of my favourite lines was "Azkaban or not, there is no escaping hell.' Absolutely stunning job with painting this really grisly post war tale that doesn't let anyone go unscathed.
I've really enjoyed this and i'm definitely favourting ;DAuthor's Response: I could never see Draco as an angel. I think it's strange that happens so often because it's his flaws that make him - or anyone - such a fascinating character! I am quite vocal about my love of happy endings, but even so, I know it's /all/ about the catharsis and struggle along the way, whether a story ends happily or not (but hopefully satisfyingly!).
Totally. One of the things that I don't like is when Draco opens up too easily, and I could never imagine him leaving the war all too cheery about opening up. He wasn't even like that before.
Eek, you make the second of psychologists to pass through, and I'm terrified of writing you guys incorrectly xD I'm going on absolutely nothing right now, except TV. But I think what's struck me most about that profession is how intimate it must get but always with a layer of professionalism in-between. That's always been very fascinating to me!
♥ thank you so much! ^__^ Report Review
I really like how you've begun this! This is absolutely lovely! I'd read this chapter ages ago and favourited the story but I haven't had the time to properly review or read much more. However, this will have to change soon!
Pippa seems like such a great character and she's so distinctive already even though there is only this first chapter. I'm really interested to see where you take her because I have this feeling like there are many layers to this story. Whatever the case is, Pippa has a strong voice that will do an excellent job at carrying the story forward.
Albus also piqued my interest with his sarcasm and his dead looks. It seems like there is something under the surface there because most people aren't described as having 'dead' looks without it actually meaning something.
Your description so far is absolutely wonderful without it being overly flowery. I think this matches Pippa character well too. She's just... i don't know a little out there at this point. Trying to be tough and scary but the things she says or her actions (like mindlessly going into the cupboard for instance) makes it hard to take her seriously. Though, i like these different ideas we're getting from her because it makes it seem like she has depth and layered.
Anyway, really lovely job with this chapter! Report Review
I've been meaning to get back to this story for a while now and i'm glad i finally have the chance too! This is another really excellent chapter!
It's so cleverly done and I love how she has this calm conviction that Voldemort will win. I noticed that in the first chapter as well and i like how it has continued on here. It's something she must have grown up with as a pureblood heiress. It makes it really interesting though when she realizes that everything she's ever known has changed and will continue changing. You can start to see the cracks start to happen, wandering around in her nightgown for one and her not frantic but her attempts to get out of her home. You can almost feel the panic start to build up inside her as she realizes that she's in a prison that was once a home. This feeling continues till she has the inner desire to throw a huge fit. The emotions you played with were really well done simply because a lot of them were below the surface in your characters.
I love how you've kept her mostly in control of herself. (except for maybe snapping at her mother, or walking around in her nightgown). It goes further the characterize her than a massive breakdown on her part. It just seems like now there is a layer that has been torn off her but she's still determined to be a lady and a pureblood. She hasn't lost everything she was before in a day which i really appreciate and i find too many authors try and do with post war fics.
I also liked the repetition of the house that was now a prison. It just seemed to bring to the front this girls fear and her desperation to be in control. She isn't someone used to being that she can't do something and must stay in one place. It really is a nice way to bring out her feelings and her emotions in a time like this. It doesn't make me relate to her but it makes me feel a bit sorry and sad for her because she's spent her whole life learning not to show her emotions and to be this perfect lady that the only thing that makes her real or human is this desperate feeling that she's caged. Trapped in the one place that should have been safe.
This makes me really curious to know how this is going to shape Pansy from here on out. Really great job with this!Author's Response: I'm glad that you've returned (however briefly) to this story! I really enjoyed reading your review!
I don't think Pansy would be Pansy if she didn't believe that Voldemort would win. It's a belief that she's grown up and into thinking and for her it would be impossible to think that purebloods would lose. They were purebloods, after all!
Yes, poor Pansy underwent a bit of a shock in this chapter. Everything in her world has changed and nothing will ever be the same. I'm glad that the emotions came through well for you, especially since Pansy doesn't tend to show them very openly.
I don't think that Pansy is quite capable of a breakdown. :P Her whole education has been on retaining control of herself, as that's how a lady and a pureblood would act. I really appreciate your comment about how Pansy hasn't lost everything that she was before because then she wouldn't be Pansy at all... And this story wouldn't exist, since it's a story about Pansy adjusting to life after the conclusion of the war.
I hope that it's made you curious enough to read on! :P Thanks for your lovely review! Report Review
I still really like how you're exploring two characters who are really under loved. It's really interesting to read them simply because we know so little about who they were at Hogwarts. I think you're doing a good job at fleshing your characters out and giving them a voice.
You have a really lovely way of mixing dialogue and description so i don't feel like this chapter was dominated by either. I think it made it easier to read and imagine what your characters are doing and thinking. You've also really captured some really common, everyday things that i think helps us relate to Theo. I can't say the amount of times i've been at a job i don't care too much about and i just want the day to end but the clock doesn't seem to be moving at all!
The only thing i'd give as critique is that there are some spelling errors (apparate for instance) and it seemed strange that the boss would be giving Theo more responsibility since, at this point anyway, he hasn't shown any love for his job or showing that he was good at it. I'm guess Theo's feelings or special aptitude toward his job will be explained later :P.
This was a good chapter though and i think you're really helping push the story forward. I'm really curious to know Tracey's feelings towards him because she seemed a little cold to him, though, that may come from the fact that she has a child and she doesn't want to muck about.Author's Response: Yeah Tracey's feelings are more that she does have a child that she needs to think about and she knows that its hard to find a guy who would be willing to just jump right into a family life. I can never seem to spell that word right no matter how many times its in a story, sigh. Hopefully some day I will come back to this story as I enjoyed it very much and it seems like everyone else has been as well! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
This was a really lovely one-shot, your descriptions are so beautiful and they convey this heavy sadness that permeates this piece. It really breaks my heart, smashes it actually. I've always found that the tales of how the Marauders fell the saddest. You've done a really great job at telling each of their stories and how they were haunted by their memories and the tree. It helped bring the stories together. I think the only thing that could have made this flow better together was to have a Peter story. I only say that because you began this with the four of them and it seemed like there was a gapping hole in the story where his should have come.
However, I did really loved how this progressed. How the beginning was of the Marauders and their desperate attempts to stick together and protect one another. Then you move the one shot into different individual points of time, part way through the first war with James and Lily to the beginning of the second and finally the end. The structure of it flowed really nicely together even though we have four different narrators they all somehow fit together seamlessly. It came down to your choice of where you placed the narratives, it wouldn't have been the same obviously if Remus's and Harry's were switched in time.
I loved your characterizations in each section and how they all seem so real and alive. I like how there is this gap between Ginny and Harry because he can't let go and can't let her in completely until then. I've always imagined their relationship to be like that, especially at the beginning. I loved the weakness you had in Remus, his need for approval and for others to help him off his knees. It was so heart wrenchingly sad to read that bit because you see how much he needed the three of them. The other two also had similarly beautiful ways of describing their characterizations and life.
This is such a great one-shot, you've done a really great job at capturing this big moments of their life. :D Report Review
Lovely work here, i think it really sets up your story well and grabs the readers interest. It makes me really sad because there's Felicity and she's so in like with Lorcan and i just feel so bad for her because she'll have to watch her best friend with him. (it made me think... is Lorcan helping Lily with Herbology really 'helping' or is it a snogging session? ;p)
The beginning made me laugh and her little pep talk to herself. It really helped us connect to her as a character and let us see a bit of who she is. Even though this is a really short chapter i feel like you've done a really great job at giving a lot of detail. For one, we know she's guarded with her emotions (not telling her best friend of her feelings and she's shy because she's liked him for ages and she hasn't been able to tell him yet).
Anyway, i like the start you have here! You've done a great with introducing your characters and the main idea behind you plot. I'd love to see some more description but i'm sure that will come in future chapters! Good luck!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really happy that you liked it! Report Review
Hullloo! Thanks for stopping by my holiday review swap! It's been ages since i've seen this story! 19 Chapters! Holy moley!
I really enjoyed this chapter! It was really powerful and i loved how all the canon events played perfectly in with your story. It seemed like each event added to this sub story you've created about Brienne and co. It's just really neat to see that because it feels so real.
It was a really good move on your part because it fit really well with her growing anxiety and you can really feel her hysteria and paranoia here. It would take a big moment like this (Sirius breaking in) to push those emotions so much that she's forced to tell people about her situation. I'm really glad she did but it leaves me as the reader on the edge of my set wondering how they are going to react to this secret!
Another thing i appreciated about this chapter was how you captured the bigger picture here. it wasn't just focussed on Brienne and her friends but also you could see that other members of the house are looking for their family members or best friends etc. It gave us something new to see that the HP books didn't really cover themselves and how everyone else was affected by the break in.
I love the growing tension between Brienne and George. It's like this simmering pot that's ready to boil any minute :D But you're doing such a great job at pacing the story's romance and still keeping the story interesting.
Great job with this! I'm so pleased i was able to read the new chapter! :PAuthor's Response: Hi! :D Aw, thanks for returning the review!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter, I know it's kind of emotionally heavy at the end, so I'm glad it's not anticlimactic or anything like that xD
Thanks again! Report Review
Hi academica! I'm here for the holiday review swap! I've always wanted to read this story but haven't ever found the time so! Also, I love Gregory Alan Isakov!! Such a wonderful artist.
Anyway, you've done such a great job with introducing this story. The Barons guilt is so rich and distinctive which is really great for such a short chapter. I already feel sympathy for him and i'm insanely curious to know how the rest of the story is going to play out.
What I especially liked was his obsession with the Mirror. It must be ten times harder to deal with it because he can't waste away in front of it but it was interesting because it was that action that seemed to bring humanity to him. He did it to be like the men who wasted away before him. It would make sense though that he would do that, to torture himself again and again of a life he never lived.
Your descriptions here are beautiful too, all the jewels and the lace. Some facts you put in too where really cleverly done, like the emerald S and her blue tiara. It was a subtle way of pointing out who these characters where and what house they belonged to without telling us upfront about it.
I also liked the subtle signs of her uncertainty over him in how he remembers her being so indecisive over her dress and how he hadn't seen that blissful smile of hers. It really adds a lot of richness and depth to your story that's absolutely phenomenal. I love when writers can put a lot of information into few words and not spell everything out for the reader. I feel like you've done that with this beginning chapter especially.
Great job!! I'm really pleased i was able to read this story!! Happy Christmas!Author's Response: Hello, and thank you for swapping with me :)
I'm so happy to hear that the Baron's emotions seemed realistic. It was intimidating to try to get into his character, but I've really enjoyed writing him, and this vulnerable moment is no exception. I agree that it would be difficult to face the mirror as a ghost because there really is no escape from the pain. Instead, he has to relive it over and over.
It's great that you liked the imagery, because I know I put a lot into this little prologue and I was afraid it was too burdened. I did try to use it to insert subtle hints about the characters' histories and to set the stage.
I definitely didn't want to just come out and say that the wedding didn't work out and so they didn't have a happily ever after and the end :D Instead, I tried to focus on those little moments of indecision that can so easily add up. I'm glad that it worked well for you.
Thanks so much for this lovely review, and I hope that you return to read more soon!
Amanda Report Review
For one, i'm so sorry how long this review has taken for me to do! I feel absolutely ashamed at my tardiness! Especially for a piece like this! I read it quite some time ago actually, just haven't had the time to put my thoughts to words.
Right, so I really enjoyed reading this. It has such a visual effect to it. I don't think there is any issue with your imagery and i think that and your style is what you use best in your writing. I'm always partial to nature so all the imagery of the daffodils or leaves really just gave this a natural, dreamy feel to it that almost made this whole thing feel like a past rememberance of someone else. A pensive memory if you will. To me anyway, i know that wasn't what you had in mind but it just gave me that feeling for some reason.
I think maybe I feel that way because although the writing here is lovely and the style is so different and unique i feel detached from your main character, i don't feel emotion for this piece. So i feel like i was an outsider looking into this really emotional part of this woman's life but knowing nothing about her i didn't feel what she was. Which is a weird place to be in because I think that you meant it to be emotionally driven. It was strange to still feel like a stranger to the character after everything is said and done. I think there is a point that you need to balance your use of language and style and then the actual human story of Eileen. Don't get me wrong, i like the ambiguousness of this and the abstraction. However, bringing it more down to a level where people can connect more to Eileen wouldn't even take much or change that ambiguousness either. It would just be a sentence here or there that may point more towards her and Tobias' relationship perhaps? Anything really that gives us something else to hang on to.
There was also the dialogue bit with the young man, i liked how she imagined it being Tobias and loving him because he was angry, that was a great bit of characterization mind you but then it goes into this younger man and i felt like it didn't fit with the rest of the piece. This could be improved i think in either changing how they say what they say (namely him) or just integrating the dialogue better, as in, have some of your stunning writing around the dialogue which may help the visual and emotional bit during that part and help it seem like it's part of the story. I hope that makes sense.
Honestly though, this was really well done. Your language is absolutely stunning and the way you handle your descriptions is beautiful. What was really cool was how some of the smallest actions, like her picking at the frayed bit of her robe, or falling down the bank was probably some of the most poignant lines that showed me her state of mind.
I liked how she seemed to be at the end of her rope, where she can't seem to distinguish past and present and the general repetition of pastpresent and how she felt so distant from herself at the moment. I'm really glad to have read this because it is a good piece of writing and i hope that my comments before didn't make you feel down because although i said that, how it is now is still a lovely piece of work. It's very haunting and gripping.
I hope you've found my comments helpful and i'm so sorry for the long wait for the review, yet again!Author's Response: Hi darling! Please do not apologize for the delay - it means so much to me that you reviewed at all! (And I would like to apologize profusely for not responding sooner - I'm graduating university in less than a month and have been swamped!)
It's interesting that you get that kind of feeling from that piece - I understand where you're coming from - it feels like this twisted time warp remembrance piece about the past. It's so intertwined between the present and the past that it does seem to give off that kind of vibe, no? I'm really glad that you like my imagery! I could go on for days. I'd love to write like I do here and in my other piece, "Come, Sugar," but it would probably be too much to handle in a novel - it would be too Faulkner and Woolf for current audiences. I have to be honest and say that it has taken me years to cultivate my style and voice - if only it didn't seem so...literary!
I have to admit that, at first, I didn't see where you were coming from about the main character, but now I understand having reread the piece. I've got to learn to find a balance between the style, the imagery, the voice, and the characterization. Stories must be carefully crafted and while I wrote this with the utmost attention and honed it just so, you are definitely right. This piece, unlike "Come, Sugar" has very little connection to the MC which is its downfall. Thank you so much for pointing that out - it's definitely something that I will continue to work on!
Dialogue is one of my weakest points in writing. I'm Southern and my normal speech patterns and the dialect(s) that I hear and speak are different for what should be in fanfiction. It's difficult and something I continue to work on, so thank you!
I do hope you liked it despite the discrepancies concerning the characterization and dialogue. Thank you so much! I really pride myself on my language and style (probably because they're my strong points as a writer! :P). Please don't think you've offended me! No matter how much experience any writer has, they need CC, me included! Your CC will help me grow as a writer and become well-rounded.
Thank you so much again, darling! You're a gem!
Shelby Report Review
Hi, I'm here for your requested review! I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to get here! It's been utter madness here so getting back involved with the site has been hard! But i'm here now!
So, you asked about flow. I think you're flow here is fine by my eyes. It's actually quite lovely and almost poetical in a sense. Which is nice and makes it easy to follow and I think it adds to the overall meaning to the story. It's always great to see the style of writing also reflect the emotion of the piece.
Saying that, however, i felt like although this was a really nice piece writing wise i felt like it could have said the same thing with less words. It felt like it dragged a little, not because it wasn't enjoyable to read, but because it focussed so completely on her suffering and angst that i felt like i got the picture of that emotion quite quickly. It almost seemed like she was suffering for the sake of it to an extent. What might help this if there is some more background story because it made it hard for me to really connect with her because I didn't know who the narrator was and who the sister was. (was she a witch, why did the narrator hate her for so long? Was it because her sister could actually do magic?) Things like that made me feel a little disconnected from the story as there really wasn't many answers to those and also it would make the story feel fuller and more round if there was something other than just her regret and guilt. This may be because i'm not partial to second person but i also felt like maybe you should make it clearer that it's Mrs. Figg earlier because i spent a good chunk of the beginning just being annoyed that i kept being referred to in the story.
I do think you were able to describe the emotion well though and i do applaud that you could do it with this narrative. I do think it's well done and the writing itself is lovely. I don't think you really contradict yourself here at all from what i could tell. I think it was well done in that the thoughts and emotions did seem to come naturally.
There was some awkwardness in some of your sentences, nothing serious but here is an example:
You've seen her tear apart and you could never be the reason for her to go through it again.
You've seen her being torn apart... or something because i think there needs to be reworded because at the moment it sort of sounds like the mother is tearing apart something rather than the mum is being torn apart by the loss of the other sister.
This was interesting however because you never see a story featuring Figg so it was awesome to see a glimpse into her life before we know her. To see her torment and it actually makes me so curious to see how she comes out of this in the end to become who we know her as.
Anyway, sorry for the delay in the review but i hope that this was helpful to you and thank you so much for requesting, i did enjoy this. Report Review
Guess who's finally here to review!!!??? Yup, mee!! *lollops in shame* i'm so sorry how long this has taken for me to get over here, i'm absolutely embarrassed! Thanks for your patience Jami!!
Right, to approach your first question with characterization. I think Lily continues to be consistent mostly. Although, the first scene seemed weird to me. She seemed to have gotten over Violet's thing in the last chapter so it was weird to see her flying off the handle this way and for her to suddenly really care about it. It made it seem a little forced and awkward. I do like how she's taking charge of herself and what she feels and isn't sheeing away from the topic but willing to talk about her family (or her sister anyway). That leads me to another point, i think you did the flashback well, but it seemed to focus a lot on Petunia which is great in a way because their breakup is really interesting but since they were talking about Lily's parents and how they were it seemed a little out of context to me. However, it did give some nice background information and i'm not sure if i'd suggest changing it really because i liked seeing the positive side of Lily and Petunia's relationship. It'll be interesting to see where that is all going and how it's going to affect Lily.
I think you got across a more light hearted feeling with this chapter. You're characters interacted well together and I particularly liked the Quidditch scene for some reason. I felt like that was a really real aspect of people's lives at Hogwarts that often gets overlooked in many fanfics. I also liked how you steered clear of the 'oh my ays i'm scared of heights, save me' damsel in distress thing which generally irks me.
You were able to capture that feeling of war but also making it seem far removed. It's the kind of conversations i would hear in University when something bad on the other side of the world happened. So i think you managed to get across what you wanted. How they say Voldemort's name is also a nice touch. I've always wondered how people in the Marauders era would approach that, would they be as scared to say it during Hogwarts or did that come after the graduated where the fear of him came to be so overbearing?
On another note, i did notice that this changed POV quite a bit throughout this chapter. This may be my own personal preference but i found it distracting and hard to connect to some of the characters simply because sometimes it felt like you slipped into one only briefly and then went back to your original. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not but i find that since most of your story has been in Lily's POV that this change part way through your story was a little awkward.
I did like Peter's heroics! It made my heart smile a little to see him being clever. It also added to his final choice though because we see that he's good at being clever, sly, and spy like. I do like what you're doing with him so far and the Lily/James moments made my heart smile :D.Author's Response: Ahhh so nice to see you here ♥! Sorry I've taken forever to respond, RL is a bit on the crazy side.
So with Lily's anger, in Chapter 4 when the incident happened she walked away before she saw who the girl was. Then in chapter 5 she was polite to James, and Alice kind of points that out here that she seemed fine earlier that morning, then we learn while Alice is asking Lily what changed (in this chapter) That Lily overheard the boys talking and learned that it was Violet Clarke (the girl from the Hogwarts Express) that he'd been with. So the fact that it's Violet is what got her all angry again, because James knows how insensitive and horrible Violet has been up until this point. I did just edit in a bit more to try and make it clear that that's why she was angry, but it must still be a confusing. I'll definitely go back through and try and see if I can make it more clear that it being Violet is the reason Lily's angry :). Thanks for pointing that out!
I'm so happy you liked the flashback! I really writing those. So with those, throughout the story I'll be using them to show how Lily and Petunia split ways. So that's why this one, despite it being centered on her and her dad's closeness, involves much more Petunia. We saw her as a young loving girl in the first one, and now we'll start to see more and more of what broke them up through these.
That's exactly what I wanted! The kind of removed sense of fear. Because up until now (well, until chapter 9) nothing has really touched them at Hogwarts just yet. And you actually start to see the beginnings of that 'you know who' stuff in chapter 10. That's always been something I've wondered about as well :).
Bah I know I absolutely use and abuse third person omniscient in this chapter! I had a few random Alice thoughts in there that I've now taken out, so it's just Lily and James up until the end with Remus's section. Hopefully that helps! But I really wanted to get James's thoughts in during the almost kiss, I just couldn't resist, haha!
Thank you so much for this awesome review, and I'll absolutely look over the PoV again to see if there's anyway to smooth out the transitions and see if I can make Violet a bit more pronounced. Thanks so much m'dear ♥
This is a crazy piece and i'm really happy i read it. It packs a lot of punch and horror in a very short amount of time. I like how immediately we're pulled into this person's emotions and their brokenness. It's really hard hitting. I liked how you described how these scars were part of them, like without them, the person was nothing. Which is true in a sense that the scars, both figurative and literal are what would define this person after the war. This is so true because when you've gone through something, it's easy to hang onto those pieces as if they are the most important things to you, even if it's those very things that kill you in the end.
I also liked this piece because it makes you think and feel with the character. I think you handled the trauma well and instead of going into gruesome details of her scars you were able to get the aching horror of it in more subtle ways. I think that is more realistic anyway than going into hordes of detail.
Great piece! I have this strange feeling like this is Lavender after the war. I've always imagined her life to be full of turmoil because of what happened. But i liked how you didn't say who it was but left it up to the reader to decide.Author's Response: Hi there!
I'm glad that you're happy you read it!
Your compliments are just so nice oh my gosh, thank you so much! I don't know how to respond to them, they're all just so nice! ♥
I'm so glad that the 'less-is-more' technique worked with this, I've never gone through anything like this (although I researched it a lot and I know of people who went through similar situations) so to hear that I pulled it off is so heart-warming!
You're actually the third person who's said it was Lavender! I didn't even think of her when I was writing it, I just pictured a faceless person - but I must have been subconsciously thinking about her! :p
Anyway, thank you so much for this review and I'm glad to hear that you liked it! :D ♥ Report Review
Now i can say i've read this whole thing and i'm really glad i have. This is absolutely fantastic and i love the details and the descriptions you have. What i really like about your style of writing is that you give such a full picture of what's going on and yet your not describing every detail and yet i feel like i know more about what things look like than if someone spent paragraphs beyond paragraphs describing the wedding. You were able to find just the right wording that got what you wanted to say quickly and to the point but it was done with really lovely language as well. That's not a skill many authors have and i'm dully impressed. ;D
I do have a bit of CC though. I suppose this may be because i'm always a little uncertain about romance's and a bit critical of them but i feel like their thing is happening so quickly. Their second meeting Lysander asked Scorp out and then now they are kissing. It almost feels like this moment they have here is the only one they've had since their meeting a month ago. Whether it is or not i don't know. It may work better though if there was more build up before the kiss even might make it smoother.
Also, i felt like it was weird how aware Lysander was of Scorpius during the wedding but then suddenly during the reception he doesn't have a presence in Lysander's calculated mind. It's only when Scorpius runs after Lysander that we see that Scorp is even at the reception and that Scoprius was at the same table even as Lysander... at least, i think he was.
On a small note and even though we haven't seen much of him, i really like how you've done Lorcan. He characteristics are really shown well in his actions and match with Lysanders own descriptions of him.
Other than that though, i really do enjoy this story. I think you've done a really nice job of it and i like the two of them as a couple. I think they work well together and I like how Scorpius takes Lysander's awkwardness in stride and isn't tripped up by it. I think Scorpius will be good for Lysander indeed.
Anyway, great job with this! I'm really pleased i was able to read this because it really has turned my view on slash couples as i believe in this couple, it isn't awkwardly written and it seems like it could potentially be real (even though i'm still weirdly suspicious of Scorpius) and i hope that there will be another chapter of it soon :D
-zayne++Author's Response: Ah, description! Thank you - I'm always afraid I'm going to go overboard or something, so please tell me if I do end up doing that. I'm really glad you like it, though. It's something I concentrate really hard on.
CC is always welcome, I assure you. And I've actually received that comment a few times: it moves a little fast in this chapter. I didn't really notice because I've sort of planned out the story in my head (and therefore everything just feels natural to me, you know?), so I'm glad that people have brought it up. I'm not going back to "fix it," but rather addressing it in the next chapter, and hopefully giving it some context so that it makes sense. I'll be interested to know what you think if you come back to read it (though no pressure!).
We see a lot more of Lorcan in the next chapter (I'm almost done writing it). Thanks for mentioning him, though! He's one of my personal favorites.
I didn't notice that disconnect - thanks for saying something, because, again, I've said something about it in the following chapter!
Thanks for the reviews! They're so long and lovely and I just cannot begin to thank you enough!
xx Rin Report Review
Ah! I'm so pleased with this you have no idea. Everything is happening so naturally and authentically which is really neat. I know i said this in my last review but i'm going to say it again because at the moment it's even truer than before. I like how their relationship is built, i like that it's not overdramatic and a lot of relational baggage here about if he's gay or not. It really shows where this story is going and how you are approaching the plot i think. I like that there is more than just their relationship that is going to drive this forward and that it seems to be a story of substance, as in, one that is going to tell you something about life.
I'm distrustful of Scorpius for some reason. I'm uncertain of his motives and his reasons behind accepting Lysander. I'm not sure why but i'm having images of him using Lysander this way in order to get what he wants later. I'm not sure why i expect the worst out of him or what hints you've given that would even point to that but there is something that makes me wonder about him and his sincerity. I do like how you've done him though, he has this easy way about him that makes me like him even though i'm wary of him.
I'm also wary of how Scorpius knew of that pub, it doesn't really seem like a place a wealthy man would even be aware of or would even visit. But maybe a broken, wealthy man would, who knows. Anyway, i'm interested in Scorpius and where he is going character-wise. I know you'll bring all that long in good time though and i think your pacing here is fantastic.
I'm very shocked that quiet, introverted, introspective Lysander had the guts to ask Scorpius out though after only their second meeting! I didn't expect that he'd get to it or that he'd sort of trail into nothing and Scorpius would have to finish it or he'd know what Lysander was asking and then ask himself or something. Perhaps though it's because he knew that he had to ask now or he wouldn't get the chance to later.
Anyway, this is a great chapter, i like how Scorpius is not with Rose! (so not a ScoRose shipper :P ) and that he's always referred to as the Ministry man. I feel like this means something for some reason... i'm probably just looking into things too much. I do really like what you have and i think your characterization is still strong and the dialogue is simply fantastic. It makes me jealous because it flows so well!
-zayne++Author's Response: Oh, thank you for coming back for the rest of the story! I was not expecting you to! Especially because you had more chapters to review than I did, anyway.
ANYWAY. Thank you for the review! I'm a little overwhelmed, to be honest, so I'll try answering as coherently as I possibly can (which won't be very coherent, I think - just a warning).
You are exactly right: there is definitely more than just their relationship that is going to drive the story forward. It's not just a romance story. It may be developing like that right now, but the coming chapters will reveal... more. About both characters. And I'm hoping that it will really, truly be a story of two men instead of just, "Oh, look! They're in a relationship! Isn't that nice?"
Ha, I could see how you could be distrustful of Scorpius, honestly. He has a certain way about him, and I'm definitely referring to him as a Ministry man on purpose - it's very intentional. I'm glad you picked up on that!
Gah, you're just seeing right through me! You insightful reader, you. Of course Scorpius wouldn't know about the pub if everything was perfect. I mean, rich man with good job in a shady pub? Yeah, not really. I'm really, really surprised you noticed, and even more pleased that you did.
Thank you so much! Your reviews are super insightful and I really appreciate them!
xx Rin Report Review
Hey Rin! I'm here for our review exchange! I had half of this written out and my browser decided to be a major fail and shut down! *grumbles at annoying technology*
Anyway, back to the actual review bit! This is absolutely lovely. The writing itself is simple and smooth and your transitions are really nice. So i'm really impressed with that as it made reading this so easy and it flowed like music would. I also really appreciate you attention to detail and the imagery you provide here, it's not overbearing by any means but it really gives a feel for the rest of the story. I really liked how you described the herbologists and how they preferred the darkness and the longer you walked down the hall the darker it got. This sort of reminded me of your story itself as you mentioned that the further this story goes the darker it gets. A little foreshadowing of the things yet to come?
I'm not a usual slash reader as the ones i've come across seem badly constructed and awkwardly written that i could never believe the couple. So i have a tendency to avoid them. However, i like the start of this and how it isn't over the top and they aren't proclaiming their love for each other already. It was subtly done in Lysander's thought process and his logical assessment of Scorpius and you hit the reader finally with the idea that Lysander is indeed attracted to Scorpius by him thinking he's good looking.
I really like how you've portrayed Scorpius. He's in control, crisp, and you can tell that he has had a wealthy upbringing. That sort of mentality practically oozes from his pores. It's quite nice to see t hat his heritage is so obvious as you read this and it's great to see that his upbringing actually had an effect on who he becomes. Many authors tend to forget that and i've only read a couple of stories that really explore him in detail well.
There is a lot of mystery and foreboding as i read this first chapter because i can only imagine what foolhardy thing the Ministry is going to try and do with the plant and i wonder what tension it will bring to your story and where Lysander will stand with it all.
Great job! i'm really pleased I read this and you've done such a good job with it! (i shouldn't be surprised, you do have a nice way with words in your other stories). I am going to try and continue reading this and leave a couple other reviews for you as well!
-zayneAuthor's Response: Gah, thank you so much! You really are too lovely. I'm not quite sure how to respond because all this praise is a little hard to handle (and obviously not good for my ego, though perhaps it'll boost said ego from "nonexistence" to "a little bit of something," which maybe isn't a bad thing - rambling!).
I actually tend to avoid slash relationships as well, and for the same reason that you mentioned up there. It usually happens really quickly (and this one sort of does, but hopefully it will explain itself later), just like you said, and I feel like sometimes they're not sincere - they're just slash for the sake of slash. So thank you so, so much for saying that! I'm always concerned when I write slash, so you've completely eased my fears.
Scorpius is one of my favorites, actually. I just thought that if he came from a wealthy, well-to-do family like he did, that would be the personality he would have developed. I'm glad you agree! It's always nice to hear that some of the choices you make as the author read well with your audience.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I really appreciate all your kind comments!
xx Rin Report Review
I really like how they've all found new life here and it's not paragraphs and paragraphs of people being sad that they are dead or that they miss their loved ones. there is some of that but it's truly great how you show them come to terms with this new and twisted deathlife you've given them. I like the simplicity of their lives, how they go day to day finding amusement in the smallest of things, are still gruff in the mornings before their tea or just finding new ways to love what they have.
I'm not sure how to describe this, but i loved how there was a mixture of this loving what they have theme going on here and this other angsty bit where you're reminded that these people are still dead and that they can't exist like they normally would have. That everything changes and they're still trying to find ways to just survive in this. Like Cedric and how he thought of Cho and was driven a little mad by his longing for her. Or even Crabbe, that part i was completely impressed with because even if it was short it showed how he was just a human and wanted to go home. It made me sad because no matter what he'll always have to come back to this place, this place which he probably imagines as a prison, a place surrounded by people he doesn't get on with and has no one from what i can tell.
The new friendship between Rowena and Snape is interesting and i'm really curious to know where you are taking it. I do love how Snape seems to be growing here and getting past that stage of his bitter and sorrowful life. It gives me hope that he'll have redemption of a sort and not one where he and Lily fall madly in love and live happily ever after. But maybe one where he can life fully and stop living in the past.
Another lovely chapter and really well done at being able to dip into these contestants lives and and make me believe every moment of it.
-zayneAuthor's Response: Hello again, Zayne!
I think that paragraphs and paragraphs of people moping and despairing of their old lives and about being dead would get old so fast. Not only that but I'm too naturally happy to be able to stand such a thing. This is why angsty chapters are usually followed by lighter ones. Writing angst makes me mopey for the rest of the day, so I vastly prefer looking at Cliodna's Clock like the glass is half full. The characters have to look at the brighter side of things or they're going to destroy themselves. I liked taking that journey with them, following as they realized that they needed to move on.
It's all very much a process. Everyone's in different emotional places - Cedric is mostly settled in but he still gets lonely. Tonks isn't as much lonely as she is sad for her son. Sirius is perfectly content, Regulus is happy with day-to-day activities that consume his focus, and others have been here so long that they've become fixtures of the environment even if they haven't completely adjusted (like Salazar and Rowena). It was important to me while writing this not to make everyone's grieving/adjusting process too similar, because everyone deals with this in different ways.
I do feel bad for Crabbe, not really having anyone. :( One of the goals I had for this story was to give Severus a second chance at life. He had such a raw deal on earth, pining after a dead woman who didn't love him back; so here, he's dealt with it. He's fully realized that the Lily he loved is not completely real, and the real Lily belongs to James. I feel like Severus is finally in the present now instead of wallowing in the past and what could have been. I'm so glad you recognized that and we're on the same page. :)
Thank you endlessly for your awesome reviews! And thank you for reading. Report Review
My heart can't take this. I am quite literally in tears from this chapter and i'm not sure if i can even remotely leave a proper review for this one. You really did a great job with the George/Fred moment and you got their speech down so well. As much as i hate this, i cannot ever root against Fred and so... sorry Colin as awesome as you have become in this story you cannot root against a guy who's just so selfless and so heartbreaking about this whole thing. I loved how he was fighting the morality of this tourny and how he didn't want to lose but didn't want to snuff out Colin either (i don't want him to be a killer either, and in the end, i'm not sure if he could ever become that). You wrote that part really beautifully and hit his character right on the head.
Another really cool thing was his death. I hadn't thought too much of the aftereffects of it either but that you gave him his purpose for dying was a nice touch because i've never been able to see anything positive out of his death. But it was neat to see that his death gave Percy more meaning at least...
anyway, this is a really well written chapter even though it gave me all the sad feels and i pretty much feel like a pile of sad mush i loved this one. If i could favourite chapters i'd favourite this one times a million (i'm feeling like i've been saying this a lot in recent reviews how each chapter is better than the last), but seriously lovely job at being able write this. I hope that we're all surprised at the end and you do a weird mind thing and change up all the rules somehow. *flails* why do people enter this and destroy their chances of having life? Everyone should just take a page (a few of them) out of Sirius's book (and now Fred's) and just enjoy what they have here!!! wahhh!
-zayneAuthor's Response: Eeep, I'm sorry! This chapter was difficult to write. :( I have a soft spot for Fred and George. Taking George out of the equation and teaching Fred how to live on his own, functioning as an individual instead of half of a whole, has been depressing at times. Fred has no choice but to learn how to get on without George, but at the same time he can't help but search his old life for comfort. I would imagine that he dreams constantly about his family. George's advice was something he needed to hear, even though it wasn't quite real.
Fred vs. Colin is a nightmare. Neither of them deserve to die and neither of them deserve to be labeled a killer. It's just so hard.
Fred's death was awful and for the longest time I saw absolutely no point in it, but it gives me a small amount of comfort to think about how Percy would probably step up now that Fred was gone. I truly do think he will become a much better person because of what happened to his brother.
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, WHY DO PEOPLE SIGN UP FOR THIS. D: I wish they could all be as well-adjusted as Sirius and just accept everything completely. :(
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I've been wanting to pop over and read this story for ages. The pairing strangely intrigued me and i wanted to see how you would handle it.
I like how you've started this from what i presume to be the end. It's a structure i really enjoy reading. I also like how you've begun it at this moment of really intense and high emotion. Where we've learned that Victor's life seems to keep getting worse. There is that word Redemption and i'm curious to know what happened (her?) that brought him out of his downward spiral.
In any case, you've opened strongly and brought in a lot of interesting questions that make me want to read more to find answers to them. The story really is intriguing and I love the description and your general tone for this chapter. It has this dark, mad way about it that really gets under the skin. I'm really curious to know where he actually is... his is in a madhouse? In a criminally insane prison? The man in the suit seems too brusque and harsh to be any kind of doctor and it makes me wonder, is Victor actually mad?
So yes, tons of questions and I personally think that's a great way to start a story and your attention to details were great and made this story come alive for me. It's also interesting that you chose Rose, the daughter of someone he dated ages ago. I suppose that adds to the horrible scandal of it all! Anyway, great start and i'm really interested to see where this goes!
-zayneAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking a look and taking the time to leave a review!
I'm glad you found the chapter to be a bit intriguing. That was definitely my intention when I sat down to write it. As more time has passed and I've gotten further into the story, I'm not sure anymore how well the prologue reflects the tone of the chapters to follow, but you're right, it is pretty much the end of the story -- the question being not where does the story go but how did it get to this point.
And it's true, I guess, about the scandal. That honestly wasn't my main motivation for picking the pair, but I guess it's really hard to avoid. I was much more drawn to what Ron would think than Hermione!
Thank you again for the review. If you read on, I hope you enjoy! Report Review
What have you done!? I'm flailing here like a big giant flaily fish. Colin and Fred??? I somehow knew it would come down to them, obviously it wouldn't be Crabbe, that would have been too easy for the next round. Now we're much more emotionally attached. BUT FRED??? If he dies for reals i'm going to kick the bucket myself. Not that i want Colin to die either. He can't leave Orla and where else will those strange photographs come from? Sigh. I felt so bad for Fred in this chapter, seeing all those dark endings for his family! It gave me images of something taking over the wizarding world again... maybe Cliodna does... Hm :D Or his mind is just being played with but they do have that book that lists every person who goes into the Clock and their deaths...
What is weird though... Crabbe saw himself an old man... what does that mean? he will live to an old age? WHAT ABOUT COLIN THEN??? why is it a copy of him? *flails* mirrors are weird things, i don't like them at all.
Anyway, i'm feeling overly emotional with this chapter... clearly and i don't think i'm making much sense in this review and i'm apt to start mindlessly smashing the keyboard because i can't believe you've written this chapter. Although, i'll cling onto a hope that they cheat their way out of the games somehow and there will be an uprising and no one will actually die and they'll see the Clock as the evil place it is... pitting person against person like this.
This is a terrifyingly good chapter. I'm really impressed by your writing and being able to imagine this 'fun' house and using what is familiar to us and twisting them into something else. Super impressive, really that you are able to come up with this and also write it so believably as well.
On a final note.. Tonks i liked the last image of her because i imaged her saying goodbye was really her saying goodbye to Teddy and her life before she died. But I can't wrap my head around why she did what she did. she pitted Colin against Fred! I'm really curious to know her motivations behind that and how she'll cope if the outcome is different than what she wants or if she ends up being the reason Colin dies (if he does anyway, it could go either way because i've learned to be surprised by this story). Great chapter, as always!Author's Response: FLAILY FISH, HAHA.
Colin and Fred. D: I'm mean to myself. When I initially drafted up all the winners and losers of each round, I knew it would come down to Colin and Fred because there is no clear frontrunner. Both deserve to live. If I'd made it Fred vs. Vincent or Colin vs. Vincent, everyone would root for one over the other. Being the awful person that I am, I wanted readers to be divided.
And just when the wizarding world thought it was safe, it looks like something dark is indeed approaching in the future. Seeing all of those fates, real or not, would hit Fred where it hurts and disorient him just enough to put him at a disadvantage in this round. But that blew up in Cliodna's face because he put himself together and managed to come out on top.
Tonks was indeed saying goodbye to Teddy! She knew she was out of the running, so she was taking some alone time to acclimate herself to that. At this point she isn't fully aware of what she's just done, pitting Colin against Fred.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
This is, if possible, better than the last chapter. I'm speechless for words but i loved every moment of this chapter and practically melted with Sirius's story. It's all true though, there weren't as many things tying him to earth as there were for the others. I also loved how you explored his character and what he learned from that awful prison experience and highlighted his strengths, his ability to grasp hope when there doesn't seem to be any left.
This chapter made me feel sad though, bittersweet may be the better way to describe my feelings after reading this. Because no matter how happy Sirius is about this reunion how much hope and happiness he can grab there is this underlying idea that nothing will ever be as it was. There is a whole past that each of them have that can't really be shared with the rest of the group. It's a line that keeps them from becoming as close as they were before because they all have their demons to fight.
I loved the ending scene here, Snape's acceptance and realizations of James and Lily both. I like that they remain platonic and that they can both share those moments of happiness together [their childhood] but that again, that past is gone and what they have is in front of them and he needs to accept that. I'm so glad Snape was able to to an extent. The lead up to his realization was marvelous too, how he realized that James too died for the ones he loved and was able to respect it rather than reject it. (J/L for life!)
I loved the character work you did here though, every bit of it was absolutely fantastic and it made me feel along with the characters. Feel the highs and lows of their life and emotions. That is an incredibly powerful writing tool, to make a reader feel like they are alongside your characters and experiencing what they have.
What is going on with the clock? Such a curiosity and you keep putting small hints here and there that put me on edge about this place. I'm just waiting for it to screw these characters over or to become some hellish nightmare where none of this was even real but that all these characters are somehow trapped within themselves. Or something. I don't know but it worries me greatly... Plus... this chapter was too wonderful, it gives me a sense of foreboding that things are going to go very, very badly later on... =0
-zayneAuthor's Response: It was honestly so refreshing to be able to see everything the way Sirius does, outside of the box. It's sad but true that he doesn't have attachments to earth in the same way his friends do; not to say that he doesn't miss Harry, because he very much does. But he can appreciate the fact that he will someday see Harry again.
J/L forever!! I wanted to do justice to the ordeal between Lily and Severus without making it anything more than it ever was in reality - a friendship. I wanted to bring peace to Severus, to let him finally accept that she is with James and that's not a bad thing. It took him ages to figure that out, but I'm happy that he's going to be moving forward in his own life now.
The Clock is not as wonderful as it's made out to be! Just when it seems like a quaint little village, I like to drop in reminders that this is more than just a place of death - it's a place that doesn't let you escape death. It does things to the people who live there.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
This is such a great chapter. I loved that the focus of this was on the Founders and that messy triangle. it made me really dislike Rowena though because I feel like she doesn't deserve either of them. I can't imagine this turning out with a happy ending for any of them as their love has either been half hearted, torn, or just a dead heart for centuries. That can't be good for anyone. Also, in this whole thing, i found myself sad for Helga of all people. Poor woman, she had no one. Anyway, that's a side thing with nothing to do with this other than i send love to Helga. And Salzaar because his heart was dead for centuries and that made me sad. I think that was my favourite line of this whole thing. It just hit me really hard and i wanted to squish life back into him.
Your narrative here is so lovely and different then your other chapters too but it fits because it is of the Founders and it fits their persona's and their time period. But the fact that you can go from the chapter before this (which was excellent by the way and i love Regulus to pieces, fair warning, i'm going to try and steal him one of these days and put him in my pocket ;p) and then wrote this kind of chapter where it's melancholic, the tone is different, heck, you even dipped into second person too is fantastic! You should be very proud of how you wielded this chapter because the imagery, description was phenomenal. Everything just read like a breeze and everything seem to just add to the atmosphere you were creating! Very good work!
What is going to happen to Crabbe? Ah he has to be in the last because i can't bear to see any of the other characters kick the bucket for reals!! NOOO!!! I hope he's brighter than he looks and is and that you sprinkle smart, witty dust on him somehow. Although... he is a Slytherin... he's cunning then... somewhere.
I can't believe the end! Salzaar being vulnerable??!! What is this world coming to? I like it though and it makes their whole story so heartbreaking although i do feel sad for Godric up on the bell tower with all his loathing and jealousy. I hope he goes and runs to Helga and they live happily ever after... :D
I kept having Snape/Lily/James flashes through this and it has some scary parallels and same wording dealio's going on but i'm hoping that their story doesn't end up like this at all. I have a weird spider sense going on inside my stomach but i feel like that triangle if you call it that didn't tear Lily up nearly like it did Rowena. I think (or hope anyway) that Lily actually made the choice she wanted.
Anyway, great chapter, again! *scurries off to read more*Author's Response: Since I've been mentioning the ordeal between Salazar and Rowena since the very beginning, I thought it was only fair to readers to flash back to the past for a minute and shine light on what they were like when they were alive. And the result is unsatisfying because as it turns out, Rowena was always torn between the two men. She was never sold on one or the other. Together they would have made the perfect man for her, and individually she couldn't choose. It's not fair to any of the people involved. Poor Helga! I neglected her so much in this story. She's just sitting on the sidelines in her tree house, not involved in any triangles. Maybe that's a good thing. XD
The atmosphere really surprised me! My favorite thing about writing Run was that I could change the tone depending on which characters I was writing, and the time period and mood. The duels are different from the melancholic bits, which are different from the lighter, humorous bits, which are different from bits about the founders. I loved being able to set the mood of this chapter with imagery, and being a fly on the wall that witnessed Rowena hesitating about being seen in public with Salazar.
Bahaha, Godric and Helga! Now there's a thought!
I'm quite pleased that you noticed all the James/Lily/Severus and Godric/Rowena/Salazar parallels. The difference between them is how Lily handles her situation vs. how Rowena handles it. And Rowena handled it very poorly, in my opinion.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Your feedback is so awesome and warming to read. :) Report Review
I usually steer clear of ScoRose because they seem ridiculous to me and too many people like them. That turns me off and I usually don't give them much of a chance. However, the summary was intriguing and it made me curious to know how you were going to handle a re-telling of Romeo and Juliet (which is one of the Shakespeare play's i don't particularly like very much either). But the combination of them made me curious because if anyone can pull it off, i'm sure it's you.
I'm glad i clicked on because this was a really lovely way to start the story. All passion and fire, the dark vs. light. You set up typical plot lines here, the Slytherins vs the rest of the school each one wanting to prove itself greater. However you are able to pull it off so beautifully and make it so believable. I'm just incredibly envious of that skill to turn a cliche into something worth your time. Which just points to the fact that it's not the cliche that matters, it's how you write it. You clearly make something that some authors completely butcher and make it into something that is just good. (that's bad wording who uses the word good for something? i wish i could be more eloquent here but that's as good as i can come up with at the moment as it's late here and well past the time my brain turns to royal mush.)
I think the strongest part of this is your language. Your ability to make it sound sort of Shakespearean and told in that air. If that makes sense but it add so much to the story and captures a spirit of woe and foreboding. Which i love. I'm a huge fan of fluff but this makes me feel on edge because of the fate of the star crossed lovers in R&J.
There was some confusing parts however, not plot wise, but I think it sometimes happened in you descriptions where there were a few longer sentences piled together and a lot of characters around where things got a little convoluted. Like when you describing Hugo's hair? I initially thought it was James who had the red. That's an example anyway of some tiny distracting things throughout the story that brought me out of your tale. Also when Rose revives her queen, epic moment, but you say white queen... wasn't she playing black? Or did i miss something there?
Anyway, honestly, this is a lovely piece of work. I just finished reading and reviewing The Mark of Cain and then i came over to this and it's just remarkable how you can go from that style to this!!! I'm blown away because the tones are so different and you are able to write them both so well!
I think the ending was my favourite but too the scorpion imagery and the piercing of her heart which let in this poison. It's such strong imagery and it's incredibly haunting because it points to a sort of fear of what is to come for these two if love is likened to poison.
Another great job Violet! This is excellent work and I loved how Hogwartsy it seemed. With all the chess, gobstones, and homework. It actually felt like a school! I hope this review makes sense, as i said before, it's late and i feel my eyes getting cross-eyed and i fear it's gibberish. :D
-zayneAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh, Zayne! Two super long reviews in one night! I wish I had your reviewing abilities - this is brilliant! Thank you very much - as always, it's a great treat to hear back from you. ^_^
This story came out of my own dislike of Scorose - that ship might have been interesting once, but now it's just overdone and so laden with cliches. I've been writing it all the same, both to try it in new ways and to take out my negative feelings in a productive way. :P If you get to the end of this story, you'll see how that works, haha.
For some reason, I love working with cliches to try and recycle them - perhaps "restore" is a better term, like an antique that needs fixing up. There are many in here, but they needed to be told in different ways, often subtly, but in the case of Rose and Scorpius's characterizations, drastically. In this story, they're exaggerations of how they often appear (I seem to always do this to poor Scorpius, but he is a Malfoy, after all :P). I'm so glad to hear that the cliches are believable - that's exactly what I tried to do, and it's wonderful that it proved successful! *blushes* There are parts of this story that feel pretty butchered to me, but not in this first chapter. If I may say so myself, it turned out better than I expected - writing school scenes is always a challenge, but for some reason here, it just /worked/.
I've adjusted a few of the sentences to make it clearer who is speaking, and I corrected the colours of the chess pieces. It was primarily the length of the sentence that was confusing things, I think (I made the changes not long after you reviewed, so I can't remember exactly what it was). The old fashioned linguistic style I used in this story more often than not got in the way - I like it, but I kept losing control of it. XD Thankfully I've been able to fix it, though there are probably still places that need work. It became a more complicated story than I thought possible for something only meant to be three chapters long. ;)
Oh, your review makes perfect sense - and it's perfect too, with all the things I love to see, including some good old CC. :D Now I only hope that my response makes sense, as it's getting late on my end too. Thank you so very much for reading and reviewing this story - it means a lot that you've admired the imagery (particularly that one at the end - it's a favourite of mine). ^_^ Report Review
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