Reading Reviews From Member: SilentConfession
  
330 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilentConfessionSilent Rumors: A Kidnapping

30th May 2015:
Goodness, who could do this to poor, unassuming Ernie. He doesn't seem to be anybody, but a shop owner. So, it makes this mystery even more intriguing because, at this point, there is no fathomable reason for this to occur. It makes me feel like there is something large beneath the surface. A new group rising to try and change the world in some way - even if it's just to prove that society likes to be in conflict and they want to provide that conflict.

Your writing style continues to be nice. There is a good flow between ideas and action. It's easy enough to understand and makes for a quick read. The details you include here are really great too - from the school rush to the small interactions between Ernie and his wife. It was great that you included that scene because it makes use like the characters and feel invested in their relationship. It's exactly what you want to make the rest of the chapter actually mean something to the readers. If we didn't care about the characters or didn't see how cute they all were together it wouldn't matter as much if they got taken.

I'm also a bit mad at Ernie because this is directly from him not taking the first not seriously. It just shows how naive he was and now his family would have to suffer because he dismissed the other threatening note. He must feel like utter crap for that.

One thing I had to go and read over again was the beginning because when Ernie got up to take his shower Lydia was still peacefully sleeping and yet after... I think Lydia must have some sort of super power to suddenly wake up, get the kids up, have breakfast ready, and have kids behaved and eating by the time Ernie get's out of the shower. There's a lot happening and yet it seems like it happened in the split second.

Another thing I wondered about was the big scene at Ernie's house. If they didn't want anyone to know about it - why did they make such a show about it? You got Ernie's emotion of having his family snatched from him - but it seemed to contradict the note. I'm curious to know why they even took the family first like that and taken Ernie so quickly after the family was taken. To increase the tension and conflict - perhaps more time could have passed between that. However - i'm assuming there must be a reason for this that will come up in further chapters.

Great work with this chapter, thanks for sharing it. I'm intrigued to find out the answers to this mystery. It seems so random and yet i feel like something is going to come and everything it just going to fall into place.

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Review #2, by SilentConfessionSilent Rumors: A Letter

25th May 2015:
Hi! I'm here for our swap, finally! Sorry it's taken so long, one thing led to another and I've spent literally no time on this site for the last week. I'm so sorry you've had to wait so long!

The story is intriguing so far. There aren't loads of stories about Ernie and I personally love stories about the Hufflepuff characters. Not only that, but scene is set for something very unexpected to happen. There's a nice juxtaposition between the beginning of the chapter where it's such a normal, domestic scene of someone working late into the night to getting a threatening letter.

I think you handled his character well so far. We don't know a lot about him from the books - perhaps a little pompous, but kids can be like that. He has seemed to calm down here and appear to be a man who simply cares for his family. There doesn't seem, even in this chapter, that there is anything extraordinary about him. He was a wife and child who seem equally normal. People who'd usually slip by the radar of people of interest. It's interesting then to bring these people into the limelight.

I found myself wondering how Ernie could so easily dismiss the Death Eaters. Can anyone be sure all the DE's had been caught and the DA could have made other enemies at school who weren't DE's. I mean, how aware would DE's even be of the DA? Not a lot would be. It seemed far to naive to write it off as quickly as he did.

I think the suspense was pretty good so far, but in more of a calm kind of way. I think if you'd wanted to heighten the suspense more you should focus more on the details of the night. The feeling of the air the shake of his fingers as he opens the letter etc. Even the beginning where it's calm and no one seems to be about could have included a few more details to set the tone. The end itself felt calm, which was nice because the reader can never trust it and feels some suspense simply from Ernie's passivity. I did feel though that there was a bit too quick progression from Ernie's fear of the letter to the end where he was calm and fell easily asleep.

You have a great start here though. There is enough tension and questions rushing through my mind to want to continue reading and to see what's going to happen to him and his family. I'm wondering who this 'we' is and who they represent. I'm curious to know which of the 'we' was watching him that night. Great work! I will continue chipping away at these reviews!

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Review #3, by SilentConfessionFounders Four: Pillars of the Ages: Chapter Two: Every Beginning is an End

14th May 2015:
I really like reading Ingvar's and Godric's relationship here. It's really natural and it feels like they've known each other for a long time, which they have. Great job at capturing that and making the bond between them feel very strong. I also like how you've characterized Ingvar here and how he likes to spend time in the dark because it masks his emotions. I think we can all relate to that in some ways. It also shows a little Salazaar - how perhaps the boy grew from being the son of a man who was balanced to the person we know him as.

Nice pacing with the action too. It is all to childlike for Salazaar to not think first about using magic before he does it. It's only after that he realizes the danger he may cause. Danger we see first hand at the end when the family was attacked. I feel like this event is going to shape Salazaar into who will be.

The choppiness was much better this chapter. The description and narrative flowed really well. The only thing I was left wondering about was where Godric had gotten to. I am guessing he has left, but I don't think you mentioned it (unless I missed that). It made the end seem a little disjointed because I was looking for him and couldn't figure out why he wasn't there. You did mention he was staying for the birthday party though...

Good work with this chapter though. I like how the action and tension keep building. It definitely shows that this story will be interesting with lots of twists and turns.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review and feedback, I edited the last chapter for that, by the way. About maybe 400-500 words were added after that???

And I love writing for those two, kinda sad they won't be together the entire story. It's fun to do their banter. Then again, Salazar is his son, so there's likely going to be plenty of snark from him. Ingvar is a fun character to write, and he's my first OC since the first story I wrote, which was horrible. I'm surprised I did him this well, honestly.

And it will certainly play a part, a big part, but there will be OTHER parts. Don't worry, you'll see.

Oh, Godric is there. I'll tell you that much, but no more than that. I can't give away all my plans.


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Review #4, by SilentConfessionFounders Four: Pillars of the Ages: Chapter one: The Beginning

14th May 2015:
Hey, I'm here for our swap. I don't read a lot of Founders, but I thought this was a neat start. Usually, I see Godric and Salazaar meeting other ways, but having the connection come from a mentor is a really interesting way to bring them together. I also like how you let us see these characters before they were friends. We have a moment to see who they are and build that characters before all the action begins.

Furthermore, I like how you've also let leak that there is something brooding for wizard kind. It lets us know that the action is going to start happening, but now all we know is that something has forced Godric to search for his old mentor after 10 years. That's pretty substantial and it must be serious. It makes me think as well that it may have to do with the world not being safe for wizards and witches if Marcus' actions were at all telling.

I wonder how this fairytale telling is going to work. I think it's an interesting way to try to tell a story and I think you have a pretty good start at getting the tone right for it. Just, when you insert yourself (the narrator of the tale) into the story like you've done in this chapter try and make it a little smoother. Generally, I think it was done well, but it seemed a bit choppy and a little jolting as I was reading. On that note, your transitions from paragraph to paragraph and the chapter as a whole seemed a little choppy and didn't flow smoothly all the time. Not to the point it was hard to read, it just seemed like sometimes the smoothness of writing wasn't quite there. Something to watch for.

Generally I like how you've started this. The characterizations you have for both Godric and Salazaar are starting to unravel and take hold which is great to see in a first chapter. I like Godric's brashness and cheeky personality. I'm excited to see where you will take this next. Onwards to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Honestly, I'm not ever completely sure how I came up with the mentor idea, I think it just happened. I don't remember really planning that, my first draft wouldn't have had him in there at all, or anyone else besides Amara, Salazar, people coming to attack them, and Godric who'd been tailing said people. Godric wouldn't have known any of them, but I wasn't happy with that version and this came out. Very happy I trashed that first draft, I like this much better. :)

And, well, you'll meet who Godric came to talk with him about soon. Some people will be there I'm going to have a lot of fun writing.

Thank you again for the feedback, and I hope to see you again later on!


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Review #5, by SilentConfessionThrough the Black: First First Date

13th May 2015:
Hey, I'm here for our swap! Sorry it took so much time to get here!

The first three chapters help set the stage for your story really well. I'm pleased that you haven't just thrown Sirius and Julianne together. Rather, you've established they are friends, but haven't made it completely obvious that they have a thing for each other. I like how you've begun your story before all that. It lets us get to know your characters better this way! It's only in this chapter Sirius has been acting weird. Jealousy makes people do weird things.

I actually quite like Cameron. He seems nice and awkward, especially at the beginning where he was just floundering on what to make of the date. I'm glad it went well and they have a love for Quidditch to bond over. I also like their banter and relaxed demeanour together. Also, showing that they have now reached that stage of a relationship which they don't spend every waking moment together but not even realizing that it's happened. I wonder how that will play into the chapters yet to come. I hope he doesn't get too frustrated either over Sirius and James' antics. It would be the worst if he were to ask her to choose. I'd hate him so much!

I also like your characterization of Julianne. She's down to earth, a little sarcastic and witty, but not over the top either. It's a nice balance and it works well with the story you're telling so far. She has a strong enough voice to carry the story on and make it interesting and dynamic. I also like how you've worked in how logical her brain works. She seems less dependent on emotion and looks for a logical conclusion. I think this is a great trait of hers and shows that Ravenclaw side of her. I loved how you've finally let on why Julianne and Lily don't get on. It's a great glimpse into the life of Hogwarts then and how Lily was actually like. So many people make Lily this character everyone just adores and gets on with. However, you've twisted that a little here and have them having a slight feud over an accident. It makes goths characters feel more realistic.

Description wise you have a nice start, but I felt like sometimes I felt like you could have had more description to help set the scene and create tone and tension in the story. I felt sometimes I wasn't able to see where the characters were in any given moment. Like James sitting down beside Julianne. Where were they? Library? Since they are from different houses some explanation and setting the scene and tones can help further the action and emotion you want to express.

Good start on this story though! I'm excited to see where it goes and you've set the action and drama well so far! Glad we swapped so I could be introduced to this story!

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Review #6, by SilentConfessionHourglass: a spell

11th May 2015:
This note is actually going to drive me crazy. I just want to know what it means and how it has such power over him - to the point it seems to be influencing his actions! This is the sort of thing I could write better, the underlying suspense and things happening to make readers really want to read on. I'm much more of a slow writer who gets to the suspency bits eventually or I put in a lot of obscure clues no one seems to get and so there really isn't much of a point. But hey ho, I have really enjoyed reading how the note with no explained origin keeps coming back and hanging on to Albus. It's thrilling.

I also love Rose. I'm so glad you haven't thrown Albus immediately into that 'other time' and we've had a chance to get to know present characters. She's so much fun and hopeful. The descriptions of her actions are so realistic and clear it's easy to see this story play out like a film in front of my eyes.

I also think Albus should go to practice this whole not going places that he loves is making me feel uneasy. What's going to happen to him?? Especially with that dream that made him scar in his waking life. So strange and I can only think that it's the other time and this timeline getting moulded together. Like they are on top of one another and Albus has to live through both of them, but every time he leaves that other timeline he doesn't remember it, leaving this strange and mysterious girl heartbroken. Just a theory :)

Great job again with this chapter. It sets up your action really well.

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Review #7, by SilentConfessionHourglass: indian summer

11th May 2015:
Great second chapter. Even though there didn't seem like a lot going on it was nice to get introduced to the characters in your story, have them interact with one another, and get a glimpse at how obsessive (and it is obsessive) Albus is being with his note. It probably seems like the biggest deal to him right now, like it's all he can be or his fate is tied up in a little note. Very well done at capturing all that.

Scorpius seems like such a punk. I don't know what I feel about him, right now, but I'm glad you've made him that way. It seems more in character that he isn't pleasant. He isn't overtly horrible either - just sort of rough and angry which I think plays well with how you're characterizing him.

I think the biggest thing I like so far here is how natural your characters are. They just seem like friends and act in ways you would with people you've been around your entire life. I like Rose and how she refuses to let Albus dwell because she things its dangerous and is just trying to look out for him. I like the brief mention of Joel too and how we now know him as a best mate.

This story just seems like it would happen at Hogwarts. You paint a really nice picture of the events - the library scene, outside in the sun, then into the dormitory. It just feel like Hogwarts. Really nice job! I'm digging it!

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Review #8, by SilentConfessionHourglass: morning

11th May 2015:
Hi! Sorry for lateness in reviewing! Today ended up being hectic!

You have a really great writing voice. I think it really helps capture Albus' character here and how he's this sort of this careful, very detailed orientated, confused fellow. It works really well and he's so sweet here I just want to give him a hug. I think it's also a common, normal feeling for a teen to get to that age and just ask 'what have I done' I've lived for 17 years and what do I have to say for myself? It's such common feeling and you displayed that angst really well in him.

The dynamics he has with Scorpius is fabulous. I love how it isn't quite a friendship, but it isn't not a friendship. You balance that line very well and it seems so believable because I think there are always those people in your life that you kind of get on with, but if it were to happen you never saw them it'd be okay because it was more friendship out of obligation - whether it was a shared feeling like Al and Scorpius or just years and years of knowing each other which makes you feel like you have to stay friends.

I'm excited to see what happens to Rose. She's already stands out as being a little bit different than I've read her before and that's exciting for me. She doesn't seem uptight, angry, or incredibly overbearing and it's interesting to see what you will come up with. However- with the hints of time travel here i'm not sure if i will get to see this.

Great start! This has just enough mystery of where does this note come from, why is Albus like he is, to keep a reader interested. I also like how you describe things. Things like the syrupy note and keeping coming back to that which really drills that image into my head. That or Rose's tangled mess or droopy eyes. It's really helps me visualize the story and feel the story alongside Albus.

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Review #9, by SilentConfessionThis Time.: The Storm

6th May 2015:
What an ending! I reckon this isn't the end of Louis, but he is going on a completely different journey than what he is used to. It makes me want to continue reading just to know how this weird storm came about and what will happen to Louis next! I think the acknowledgement at the end about wishing his family would forgive him struck me the most. I wonder if this will come into play as the story continues. Will he try to go back to them- or not. It also shows something really nice about his character. It makes him seem human and recognizable.

The description of his sailing was also really great. It helped get a person in the mood for the story and feel how much the sea affected Louis. It shows his free spirit and need for adventure. I liked that a lot and it really just made me want to go sailing as well! The description of it also set the premise of the story well too and i'm hoping this continues to play a part in his character.

Nice job at setting the tone and premise of this story.

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Review #10, by SilentConfessionA Terrible Mistake: A Terrible Mistake

6th May 2015:
I was surprised that this was from Lucious' POV. I thought it was Draco and was confused for the first few paragraphs and then I realized what you'd done! This was refreshing to read it from a perspective that wasn't Draco's and regretting his part. It was nice to see if from Lucious and see how he was thinking in those moments. A tormented man who realized that his choices have led him further from what he wanted. I liked, also, how you mostly stuck with how he wanted power and dominion over others which bodes well with his characterization.

It was neat as well to see it from his POV because we don't get that chance all the time. It's a huge contrast of what we see from him in the books as well. He accepts his mistakes, his shortcomings, and even thinks he would accept going to jail for it. That's huge. I think i'd have liked to see more examples and specific moments that brought him to these conclusions. It is such a big contrast some more information could have helped make it more believable. However, you did a good job at making his perspective unique and sympathetic.

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I may expand on it in future.

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Review #11, by SilentConfessionTraining: Training

6th May 2015:
This story is fairly amusing glimpse into life after Hogwarts. Besides the fact of them having to lift Sirius manually when they could have probably used magic to do so I thought it was a fun read. You played Sirius being close a child while intoxicated consistently. I'm misty worried of the flooing and wondered how that would have went. I can imagine Sirius just sticked out his limbs every which way... :)

It was cute showing their struggles with being new parents and the breakdowns that ensue because of baby meltdowns. It made me sad though seeing that for a very brief moment of his life he had patient and loving parents and that was soon taken away from him when he went to live with the Dursley's.

It's all just too cute! It's a nice story to read that shows that life after Hogwarts for them wasn't all bad. They had their bright moments where they could still be teens. Great work on this!

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Review #12, by SilentConfessionStill Into You: Need you now

5th May 2015:
Hey! I'm coming in for the swap! I strangely like stories with Teddy and Victoire breaking it off. Guilty pleasure. This was loads darker than I thought it was going to be. But I think you captured the essence of her being so obsessively in love without being melodramatic about the whole thing. That's a very thin line to get through and I think you did it phenomenally.

You also were able to get at the complex emotions someone must be feeling in that situation. The knowledge it wasn't healthy but knowing that you would always feel this way. Also there is a slight madness to it, I think I get that from how long she's been pining for him, how she's let it control her. I thin ought as well it made it more realistic when you examined how he's always been at her side. She took her first steps with him and now suddenly without that, she is nothing.

I liked how ambiguous the end was. How we don't know the outcome, but we can imagine what happened. I can almost see her becoming a vegetable or becoming permanently emotionless or numb. Or the combination of drink and potion killed her. Either way it was chilling to read how far she's gone in her pining that she would seek out an illegal potion (and it doesn't matter so much how she got it here, only that she has it) and would take it without knowing what it would do.

Great work!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for reading and reviewing.

Haha I am not a Teddy/VIc endgame fan so I like writing their break up too xP I am pleased you liked this over all and found this dark. Victoire was definitely obsessed and I'm glad that came through.

I have been in a similar situation (not a good time) so I tried to channel those emotions while writing this. It's good to know you found them realistic.

The ending was open to interpretation - she could have simply passed out or she could have died. In my mind, she dies though. The illegal potion here was the equivalent of drugs. And I'm glad you liked it all.

Thank you!


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Review #13, by SilentConfessionOne of a Kind: The Extensive Failings of the Modern Magical Education System

19th April 2015:
Another really interesting chapter. I like how you've jumped right into the action of the story and starting to put all the pieces together. I know I have a habit of meandering for a while putting ambiguous pieces in place for a bit too long. I find it inspiring to see how there is already this underlying tension. I mean, if I was offered a job at a place that I could not research at all right away I'd feel really apprehensive. I can't decide yet if Lucy is just naive or I'm far too skeptical.

I really like how you've provided a little background knowledge on the place. It's a small amount, but we know they have access to the Hogwarts library, there is some really old things there that could start wars, and they never have a Gryffindor working for them. The web is tangling around Lucy who seems to be falling right into it.

Again, I really enjoy Lucy as a character. She perfectly reflects this sort of 'who am i' 'what do I want' 'something that isn't what I have' feeling where she's ready to jump into whatever opportunity comes her way. It fits perfectly in how she accidentally falls for whatever this printing press is involved with. Furthermore, I like how you slowly introduce Lucy's family. Even though we all are probably aware of them it's nice to be slowly introduced to them so we can get to know how you've created them to be.

Nice job on the chapter, excited to see where it goes.

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Review #14, by SilentConfessionOne of a Kind: Prologue

18th April 2015:
Hey, here for the starting of our review exchange! I've never had the chance to read any of your work before now, but I'm glad I was able to. This is an interesting start on a story. I really like Lucy so far. Her character is very distinct and fun. This is great because it'll make the interesting so much more interesting hearing it from her side. I also like how she interacts with others. It is so natural and flows well. The conversations don't seem forced or rushed. Very natural, like you would talk to a friend or family member. I loved that. I could actually see this conversation happening in real life. I also like the little nuances you have that support her independent yet quirky personality. Just how she interacts with Percy, his stunned expression at her actually asking for help. It all worked really well.

I quite like James too. He isn't over the top like some people make him out to be. But he still seems fun and spunky himself. More charismatic I'd say than how some people create him to be. I liked that though because he seems like a real person. Great job! I guess I could say I liked all of your characterizations. They were really well done and you have a nice amount of background knowledge or little allusions to what happened in the past to create interest in the Emily/Lucy dynamic. Their interaction was fabulous. Loved all the sarcasm.

Great start on the story. This introduces the characters and the beginning of the plot really well. I'm already so curious to know about this printing press and what it stands for. How can someone like Lucy get caught up in and I find it very ironic that Percy would be the one to make the suggestion to work there (not that he could really know what was going to happen). This prologue really helps set the scene and tone of the story, i'm excited to see where this goes.

Nice job! Glad I got to read this! I shall be back for further chapters.

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Review #15, by SilentConfessionRisk: One

9th April 2015:
Hey!

I'm here for your review! This is such an interesting start! I really like how it features Molly. She's one of my favourite next gen's to read and write about. I like how you've started this story with her clearly as the underdog here. She's had no real cases. Has no idea what to do in a situation like this one. I'm sure it will bring a lot of interesting conversations about whether she has what it takes to be an Auror. As a character I think she's pretty good. She seems to have that young flare for adventure still in her. Still feels hopeful alike she's just got out of Hogwarts.

The beginning of the story was done really interestingly too. Switching from one character to the other. It was a neat juxtaposition between the two people. I wonder if this format will continue in the chapters to come and who you would approach it if you do!

I'm definitely curious about how you are going to mash the present and past together. Molly definitely has a lot on her plate for a first case. I can easily see how it could either make or break her career, depending on the outcome of the story.

Author's Response: Hello!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this, and that you liked how I'm writing Molly! I've never written her before, and I read her as being very stuffy a lot of the time, so I wanted to do something different.
I'm glad you thought the beginning worked! When I first wrote it, I almost didn't keep it in the story, because I wasn't sure how it flowed, but hearing that it worked well makes me glad that I kept it!
Thank you so much for the review!
Cassie :)


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Review #16, by SilentConfessionA Beautiful Ruin: Just Breathe

29th March 2015:
There just isn't enough Hermione/George stories out there. I'm glad I ran across this.

I like how you've made the war affect Hermione so strongly. A lot of people usually make her the strongest and so unaffected because she really was portrayed as a strong leading female. However, I think there would be scars on all of them. Hers are extremely visible in her interactions with others, very much like how PTSD could look like in soldiers. I'm curious about Molly's reaction to her though? I felt like Molly disapproved of her or was annoyed by it?? Which doesn't particularly seem like a Molly thing to do who was always so supportive and welcoming. She should understand what a war could do to a person. I'm curious if there is more to this than meets the eye? Does she also know about George and Hermione?

Overall, you have a nice premise. I like how you've included the horror of the war in a different way than i've read recently. I think it would be believable for the three of them to get a flat together, and I like how you've continued with the banter between the three of them. They really did seem like good friends. I should have probably looked but is this following canon or AU? It doesn't matter either way just curious to know if Harry was with Ginny or not?

Nice start :)

Author's Response: I'm glad you ran across my story too! :) I really wanted to go about this story in a different way than A Wonderful Love. By the way, have you read that? I don't mean to push a story, but I'm not sure by your review that you've read it. It's the prequel to this story, so that may be where your confusion is coming from. The characterization of Molly stems from it, because I wanted to try to play with her a bit more than what I commonly see while trying to keep her as realistic as possible. Anyway, A Wonderful Love is the root of George/Hermione. This story is about the after effects.

This isn't following canon completely, because I've changed some things since DH; however, Ginny/Harry will be seen in this fic together. I took liberties to make Hermione/George an intrigue, but most of the events are the same or similar. I hope you continue to keep an eye out for updates :D Thank you so much for reviewing!

Amanda


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Review #17, by SilentConfessionPorcelain Hearts : Prologue

16th April 2014:
I really like how you've formatted this. I am actually always a fan when someone formats stories a bit differently because it raises so many questions and I felt that with this first chapter. I also liked how you've packed in a lot of information into the first chapter and yet it was done in such small snippets. That is really a neat thing to be able to do and capture it well enough so you get the readers attention.

I think that is your strongest bit here is how you've introduced your story. You thrust the readers into the world were we see James finding out about Bellamy and Scorpius. Then we learn that they were together, James was going to propose, a friend knew that Bellamy would break James' heart but, for some reason, cannot actually do anything about what she knows. I think it was skilfully woven into the first chapter and definitely makes me interested in what else is to come.

I think the only thing I felt was a bit more needed was some more narrative. Maybe not entirely for this chapter as it is more of an attention grabber, but perhaps for future chapters keep in mind balancing description and dialogue and inner thoughts. I want to see the world they live in. Right now it almost seems like the characters are hanging in space. It will make me care about the story more and make me remember and think on your story. It's the small details like that, that make a reader get in the mood for the story (hope that makes sense).

Another thing I quite liked was the moments you chose to show in this chapter. I like how we can see how these characters interact with one another. What their relationships are as well. Hannah seems really close to James, so much that he has his own nickname to her, she's also close to Rose and Lily. We get to see the dynamics and it'll make it an interesting cast to work with and read about later.

Lovely job, glad I was able to read this. Good luck with the rest of it!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I've been working on adding more detail into the prologue (so many wonderful people have suggested this) and I have put more detail into the following chapters.

Yes, I'm rather in love with the prologue. Everything there is important and crucial to the rest of the story.

Thanks again for the lovely review. I hope you like the other chapters! :-)


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Review #18, by SilentConfessionRabbit Heart: 3. Cold Toes, Warm Heart

31st March 2014:
I'm still loving what you have here. I like how you have this concept here and yet we're still in the dark about what that actually is. To an extent anyway. I think you've structured it really well as you want the first few chapters to really spark some sort of questions and ambiguity. So, although there is very few answers thus far, it isn't disheartening because you keep packing on these layers that make us question everything that is going on in the story. I really like to read stories like this because i'm constantly spinning out theories of what is actually happening and how it is all going to tie up in the end. You've also don't a great job at introducing it slowly and subtly so it isn't just shoved into our faces. It makes the story loads more interesting.

Saying that there are few concrete answers is a bit of a lie as we do know or, at least feel, that this rabbit means bad business and Wren is completely going off the rails at the moment. It adds to the tension and fear of the story simply because something that is normally quite innocent is turning into a horror. Like it's possessing her, or bonded with her in some strange way that makes her act like she is. She is, however, slowly beginning to question. Sort of anyway. She's wondering how she could've forgotten the film and how so much time has passed. I think that shows that perhaps she won't always be in the dark of how her world is twisting out of control. I am left wondering if she'll figure it out too late though.

Again, I like the tone of the story. Having this told from Wren's point of view is lovely as she has the is really lovely way of perceiving the world around her. Also, you have show a lot of their youngness in this. Which I like because it is so easy to write characters and make them seem older than they actually are. However, Wren is young, so is Albus and I like how you explored Albus hitting this awkward stage of puberty and Wren being awkward (though that could have something to do with this fuzzy bunny that is taking over her). I liked that because it made the story feel a bit more real as they're dealing with normal teenage things. It grounds the story and I hope this continues throughout.

You've done an excellent job at introducing questions and giving the bare minimal answers to anything. It makes me want to continue reading so I can learn more about the characters and figure out how a bunny of all things can be so evil. Or maybe it's just a bunny and Wren's emotions and confusion are being displaced onto something that is just an animal (doubt it!). However, there are plenty of ways this story can go and i'm really interested to see how you take things.

Author's Response:

I worry sometimes that I've complicated the story mechanics so much that people won't be able to follow it once I start explaining things. I tried really hard to show how things worked instead of telling the reader. One, because it's more fun that way, and two, it's easier to understand when you can see it happening. I'm glad you have lots of theories! It makes it more fun that way!

This is my first attempt at writing a "horror" type story. I wanted to use all of those elements that horror stories have, while keeping the overall tone from falling into the blandly morose melodrama. Who knows if I'll end up succeeding or not. It's a challenge, definitely!

The teen thing does have a grounding effect on the story, doesn't it? Some things just have to stay normal enough for the reader to not have to grapple with it. I guess it's a lifeline of sorts to what is "normal" in this world that we're writing in.

Thanks so much for your reviews! I enjoyed reading your thoughts on my story!


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Review #19, by SilentConfessionRabbit Heart: 2. Trusting Hearts

29th March 2014:
I really like the pacing of this story so far. The first chapter was such a brief look into what is going to happen and I think with this chapter you've added just the right amount of layers into it that give it a really full and dimensional feel. One thing I like is the atmosphere and tone. Where we feel this sadness from Wren and through Wren we feel Grans' sadness as well. There is despair there, the knowledge that someone who used to be so strong has become unravelled at the seams. It's also sad to see how they're losing hope. All that is lovely because that is already quite a few layers, but then you go and add this other layer with Dillon and the light and rabbits. It'll be interesting to see where you are taking this and seeing that unravel from Wrens' eyes will be really interesting.

Speaking of Dillon, he gives me the creeps. I do not like him and I kept telling Wren to stop being so nice to the kid. He is not normal and why isn't she stopping to ask herself why he's lugging about a bunch of rabbits. Who does that? Kid or not. Use your head Wren! It's weird. And, the whole biting of Wren's hand... does that mean something? Why was Dillon saying she would definitely keep the rabbit now? Is she forever bonded to that thing or... or maybe it's a tracking device or maybe SHE'S the monster your summary is referring to (haha, right). But I like the mystery and the suspense this chapter has. And the fact that this suspense is built up by rabbits of all things. But i'm really curious to see where you are taking this because of all the tiny hints and details you keep dropping. I can't help but think that Gran wanting them to move has more to do with it somehow. Perhaps she knew something was off and demanded that before she lost her wits completely. I don't know, but I'm now insanely curious.

Another thing I really love about this is the perfect balance of her thoughts and grief and the outward action of the story. It's all very subtly done, but it has a really beautiful flow to it that way. It feels real to me. It doesn't make me feel like anyone is overreacting and beating their chests, but it's just regular people dealing with life's ups and downs. You are handling it really anyway because it is hard to decide where that line goes, how far does grief go? When do you stop? Can there ever be acceptance?

You still continue to have a firm hold on the mystery and suspense. None of this felt forced, too ambiguous, or frustrating. You've added layers and yes, there is a a lot of ambiguity to this chapter, but in a way that adds to the story and makes it feel so real. It seems to this point you are still very much in control of it and I would say that the ambiguity is good as it makes people want to read more to find the answers. (like who are you Dillon and why are you masquerading as a boy?) I have so many different theories floating in my head and I feel like they are all completely off the mark. But hey ho!

Great job with this chapter. You're writing is so nice to read and I like how you you keep packing in the mystery here.

Author's Response:
Yay for pacing! I was concerned about the tone being too depressing for the first two chapters. I like to mix it up, but the story needed to have some low tones at the beginning before I could lighten it up.

Yeah, Dillon's weird like that. You're asking all the right questions, and I love that you're curious about the story. I found it interesting that both of our stories dealt with grief, and it's fun to read how another story handles it.

I'm glad you're finding the story easy to read. That means a lot!


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Review #20, by SilentConfessionRabbit Heart: 1. Have a Heart

29th March 2014:
Hi!!

I'm here to start on my reviews. Since we were also paired for the review exchange i'm going to do more than I would regularly do for my thread (which is two each request). :) So expect at least 4.

I need to comment first on how i'm shocked I haven't read this story before now. Or any of your work. There is a really beautiful quality to this and it shows how much you are in control of your writing. It is something I very much admire in writers. I think that's because i'm so not in control when I write. I'm far too impatient and distracted. However, I love all the small details in this chapter. It really gets me into the story. I can literally feel her emotions and the descriptions of her surroundings really help a reader get into the mood of it. For example, describing how the dew from the grass soaks into Albus' trouser's, or describing that whole scene with Wren and her animals. There was something so simplistic about it, but it really seemed to capture this whole leaving your childhood behind and being thrust into the unknown.

I already feel like your characterization is strong. I get a strong feeling of who Wren is with this first chapter and I feel connected to her life. Which is saying something as it is only the first chapter. I like how, at the moment, she is so focussed on the past (who wouldn't be in her position?) but I like how that it seemed so contrasting to her currently situation. Like how you focus on if her Gran was here she'd go investigate or she'd go and tell her to be practical about it. It gave a really beautiful sense of how much is changing around Wren. It made me feel really sad for her to see her life ripped apart so completely. The scene with the animals nearly made me cry because she's so compassionate with those animals and yet she has to let them go before they're ready. (the line i absolutely loved the most 'Fly. Be free.' because it seemed like that was how Wren was feeling herself.) It was such an emotionally charged moment and ending it with the bunny 'disappearing' or what have you with the flash of light made it that much more poignant. It immediately grabs the reader's attention and makes them want to read more because we're so involved and caught up in that moment.

On to your concerns of story dynamics. I've brushed on this a little, but at the moment it feels very in control. I don't think you have much to worry about with this first chapter and I don't think it confuses readers at all. There is a sense of suspense and foreboding in it, but it doesn't get convoluted or twisty in ways that would make it difficult to understand.

The only thing I found a bit off were those few paragraphs near the beginning introducing the problem with Gran and her grandparents. It seemed a bit convoluted with a lot of repetition of Gran and grandparents. For me, it was hard to keep it all straight especially since it was the introduction of it. It made it hard to focus on the details of what was wrong. I think if perhaps there was a bit more clarity of the difference between the two (as Gran and grandparents are used so interchangeably it almost felt like they were the same). Even if it was something as simple as using Gran Augusta once to differentiate them and say who you're actually talking about. It would probably make the rest of the chapter go smoother as well.

Overall, I think you have a powerfully written first chapter, there is mystery and suspense that you want for a firstie as well. I'll continue to keep my eye out for the story dynamics you asked about, but for now, it is looking really good. I am a fan of a bit of ambiguity and I think how you've introduced the story really leads to interest rather than confusion.

By the way, i really, REALLY hope that it isn't Albus that the summary is referring to!

Author's Response: Hi there!

I know it's after the end of the month, but I really want to get to the last two posted chapters of your story. RL is banging me over the head at the moment, so just know that I'll be over there by the end of the week. :)

Wow, so I am in control of something? That's great! I'm so glad you get a solid feel for Wren and where she is in life.

I struggled with the Gran vs grandparents thing here, as you could see... so did my betas, but I like the idea of adding "Gran Augusta" somewhere. That would definitely distinguish her from the others. I'll try that when I tidy things up a bit.

It's good that you're a fan of ambiguity. So am I. But I've learned that too much of it makes the story difficult to read, so at the same time as I'm developing the mystery, I'm also keeping a firm eye on my clarity. Since you weren't confused much, I assume that it was okay here.

Thanks so much for the lovely review!


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Review #21, by SilentConfessionInside Death: 02: My Little Ana

28th February 2014:
I've enjoyed this story so far and I think you've created another excellent chapter. There was so much tension and emotion, but it did not feel overwhelming at all. It had a natural build up to the end where she realizes that her mum has left. This is such an emotional moment and I think you captured it fairly well.

I like how you really showed Illyana's thought process. It helped me connect to her even more as she searched the house desperately for some sign of life. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to come home expecting something and getting what she did. I also liked how you really contrasted the beginning with the rest of it. There is so much hope and happiness from Illyana when she's walking up to this house that I actually expected something bad to happen. It made a really nice contrast when she gets in and realizes that her home really isn't her home so much anymore.

I also liked how she focussed on how empty it felt, the space around her seem to swallow her up and it gave the house more feeling. That was great that you introduced the house that way rather then just telling us about the objects. Rather we see the empty and clean pots and feel the coldness of it. It really helped the atmosphere of the chapter.

I like how this sort of brings in the prologue as well. It helps tighten up the story a bit more as well. We see that her mum has remained this brave for her child this long but now that she sees the world changing again she flees, leaving the only thing she's ever protected, behind. It sort of makes me wish she took her daughter with her, but perhaps she was just far too tired to do it anymore. It makes me dislike the mother a little, but I wonder what effect this is going to have on Illyana. Will she push for more answers? Will she reject everything her mum has ever taught her now?

I do hope she pushes for more answers, even if it lead her to reject her mum's teachings or whatever. I feel like it would tighten up this chapter a bit with the end. I think initially Illyana would have this numb feeling and simply cry about everything that has been lost, but it would probably make sense that as the chapters continue she would try and sort out why this has happened.

Another great chapter though! :)

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Review #22, by SilentConfessionInside Death: 01: Whispers in June

27th February 2014:
Ooo! I love how you've decided to continue this in Illyana's voice. It is a really interesting voice to take because there are so many ways you could take this. I love how this begs the question of where her loyalty lies and that there are definitely conflicting thoughts that are really going to move this story forward. This makes the story really interesting and dynamic as you aren't relying simply on action, but also this inner conflict. Illyana does not seem to know exactly where she stands, but at the moment, she's not on any side .Just sort of going through life and i'm interested to see where she is pushed before she'll actually take a stand in some way.

I think you have some really delightful parts in this chapter. I really liked your portrayal of Pansy. I think it will be interesting to to see her later on as well if she continues to play a part in this story. You captured her really well though and I liked that you seemed to give her a stronger personality which is great to see rather than her snivelly ways we usually see in stories.

That brings me to another point. I really like how you are diving into aspects of a story that aren't always touched upon. I rarely read Slythern stories and I like how they seem to be portrayed. How they aren't closer then they need to be, there is this propriety that they seem to adhere to that makes the dynamics really interesting. I also really think that it's great to see how you've even incorporated a muggle born into Slytherin which I think i've never read before and it'll be interesting to see how that plays out and how she was even sorted there. I do like how you're trying new things though and it makes me very intrigued in this story!

Great story so far! Glad I could begin reviewing it!

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Review #23, by SilentConfessionInside Death: Prologue: June 1980

27th February 2014:
Hi! I'm here for our review exchange!

I actually read this chapter ages ago, but I've been bit busy that I couldn't sit down and get my thoughts into this box. So anyway, sorry for the ages wait!

I really like how you have begun this. I think you've already managed to capture the attention of your readers as you have a very intriguing character. I think it is going to be really interesting to hear the story begin told from her eyes and we'll get to see it in a completely new light. Which is awesome because sometimes war stories can get a little dry when all you hear about is from Lily's perspective or something. I think you've really chosen a fabulous standpoint and i'm already really interested to see where this is going.

I also think you do a really great job at hinting at the backstory and already are starting to open up some of the demons that are fighting at this woman's conscious. It's great that you haven't just dumped a lot of information on us, but rather gave us small snippets which really made me far more interested than if you'd simply told every bit of story from this characters life.

This is a really great introductory chapter! Your writing tone is really smooth and lovely to read. I like how you're quite simplistic about some of your descriptions, but in a way, that is exactly what this chapter needs and it helps get your point across. It also really helps me feel alongside your character. Great job!!

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Review #24, by SilentConfessionThe Art of Small Talk: Introductory Measures

21st January 2014:
Hey!

I'm here for our review exchange! I hope I can get to the other chapters as well!

First, I like the introduction to the story, specifically the characters. I really like how I feel like Audrey is being shown. Her characteristics come off quite clearly in the beginning where we see her a little flustered, a bit kooky, but not massively over the top. I like how she seems natural. I liked her immediately. Also, it's lovely not reading a block of description of said characters. It's so much more vibrant to read how you've done it. I also like that you're exploring Draco as well. I'm really interested to see where that goes and how you tackle him. He's such a fascinating character. One I don't particularly like as a person, but i'm excited to see how he turns out here.

I like Percy. He is still Percy and that's so awesome because i've read so many where he seems to be a changed man and it doesn't make sense to me. He may have realized that family is important and standing up for a side in the war is important as well. That doesn't mean he isn't going to be still strict with rules and still a bit pretentious. It'll be interesting to see the two of them work together in some way as they do seem a bit different, but I think they could balance each other out well. The way you incorporate a bit of backstory and history to this story was also fabulous. It makes this story seem so much more canon as we are reminded that he dated Penelope. We also know who Penelope was to these girls. It gives an extra dynamic that i'm sure will be interesting later on in the story.

On that note, I think it's great that even though this is a romancey story, you've let us know that Audrey's work is important to her and we get to understand Audrey a little more before her love interest comes in. It lets me get more invested in who she is as person.

This is a really nice start to a story. The writing and flow is really easy to follow. It makes reading it loads easier and I can get a nice visual of everything that is going on in the story without having much pull me out of the story! Really lovely job!

Author's Response: Hey Zayne! I hope I can get more chapters done for you too, it's just a question of time!

I'm so glad that you liked Audrey because this is the first time in ages I've ever had to create a whole personality for someone so it did faze me a little because the dangers of Mary-Sue are known a little too well :P Haha, vibrant is probably a nicer term to describe the craziness in this story but it's great that you liked. Draco is an odd one for me, so I know what you mean about him, at times I think he's fascinating then at other times he just irritates me so exploring him here seemed like fun.

Haha, I know what you mean! He will obviously change towards the end, but he does have a lot of familiar characteristics that we saw in the books. I'm glad that you thought there was room for some change though because I didn't want him to come across as a complete sticker to the rules. :P Haha, yes, that was my idea for when I created Audrey because I thought that given how he went through so much during the war it would almost make sense for him to find the reverse of himself. Yes, those girls like Penelope are often known a little too well for my liking :P It's safe to say, writing those sorts of girls is a lot nicer than talking to them in real life.

I'm glad that you liked that as there are several different dynamics introduced to the story later on especially so when it comes to Draco and her family. Thanks for such a great review and I'm so glad that you're already feeling something for the story as it means so much to me to hear that!

Thanks again for such a fab review!

-Kiana


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Review #25, by SilentConfessionDetox: Making Choices

15th January 2014:
Hey CambAngst

I'm so sorry for how long this review has taken. I read the chapter quite a while ago, but didn't have time to review and i've been working ever since. Anyway, ever so sorry for the long wait.

I like the fullness of this chapter. There is so much happening in it, but it really adds to the atmosphere you have here. You not only go into what is happening to your characters, but there is also this other stuff that's going on that gives a really rich look into the trip of Hogwarts. This other stuff has less to do with your main plot, but it just seems to add to the story and give a wider view of the world you're writing in. I hope that makes sense! (Harry and Ginny for instance, or just the mention of what else is going on and what it look alike).

I think right now I have less of a feel on Astoria. You write her as if you want her motivation to be simply figuring him out? You've got that in there a bit, but I feel like there is other things sneaking up with her that seems to make that less believable. She has the naive youngness to her that makes this seem more like a school girl crush (which isn't necessarily bad, she is young and has a naive feel about her. It just doesn't help the motivation of her there to figure him out). She seems to ignore, at the moment at least, most of the rubbish about Draco as being rumour (she was at school with him before, it's not like she wouldn't have seen him being cruel). There is also in her character an almost saintlike feel to her which makes her less believable because she seems perfect. I mean, she's able to look passed someone's faults and actually believe in them. She doesn't let other people's opinions sway her, she's non judgemental, she looks for the best in everyone. She seems angelic. It's great to have a lot of different characteristics in a character, obviously, but I think that she falls flatter for me. I'd have to see more of her to really believe she is all of that. I don't see a lot of weakness or faults unless you count naivety as a fault. I suppose she's clouded by her own optimism which could account for her actions. I feel this way too because every other character i've read so far seems so full and round. Then there is Astoria and I feel like, although, she isn't a bad character, she just isn't great like the others. She seems bit too mary sue or too something and I don't believe her motivations of just wanting to figure him out. It seems more like an excuse than anything. I hope that doesn't seem mean or anything because i don't think you've done badly, she's just not as well done in my eyes as your other characters.

Ron seems very Ron. He has absolutely no professionalism and lets his prejudice and preconceived ideas take him to challenging Draco. I don't think that bit is overboard at all as we see Ron acting on impulse all the time in the books and only later regretted his decisions. So you did fabulous with him and made me just roll my eyes at Ron for being so stupid and not being able to hold it together, especially for being an Auror. Though, i suppose you can't get too angry considering everything that he's experienced Draco to be. He just needs more time to see that Draco is attempting to get a hold of his ego.

I also have to comment on Hermione and Draco. That bit was perfect. I had chills run up my spine the moment he called her a mudblood. It was too perfectly Draco to let his temper take over and be blinded by rage. It also just portrayed where he is in his growth and how hard it is to truly change. He's done himself no favours in the eyes of others by screaming that in the streets of Hogsmeade. It'll just reinforce everyone's ideas of him. Really great job.

The moment between Draco and Astoria... hmmm i'm a little undecided about it. I think it's fine by all accounts, but then I think it may be a bit too soon if it was meant to be utterly romantic that he'd try and save her, but then I don't see him not trying to protect her at all if their wands were trained on her. Especially since she's the only one giving him a chance. We don't know what his intentions are with her really (which I like). So... I don't feel like i can be much help with that. I'm sorry!

The end bit though... what? I'm trying to figure out who those people were and why on earth they'd ever try and kill someone in the middle of a street with lots of witnesses. How stupid could someone be? I could understand Draco, but to take it out on Astoria as well? Very curious. I suppose this really just shows that whole idea you have here about the fine line between good and bad.

I'm just going to reiterate that I do love this story. You've done such a good job at creating this atmosphere and really keeping it consistent. I love all the topics and themes that are coming into this and it's simply beautiful. Really great job! Thanks so much for requesting and feel free to continue to do so.

Author's Response: Wow. Let me start by saying that this is one of the longest, most involved and thoughtful reviews I've ever gotten. I apologize for taking a while to respond, but there was a lot to think about here. Thank you so much for putting so much time and thought into this.

I'm not a big fan of stories that focus too narrowly on their own plot and fail to work in the context of the surrounding world, so I'm really pleased that you felt like I was able to show a broader picture here. Just because a character has a romantic interest doesn't mean that's the only thing that character thinks about.

What you've written about Astoria really lends credence to a lot of the concerns I've had about her character in the early chapters of this story. Once I got into the later chapters where more of her faults and less mature traits start to play more of a central role, it dawned on me that she wasn't well balanced at all in the beginning. What she's meant to be feeling toward Draco -- at least what I had in mind -- was partly a desire to figure him out but with a sizable schoolgirl crush lurking just beneath the surface. So it sounds like that didn't work all that well. I can also see where her reactions and thoughts about Draco make her pretty one-dimensional. He and Ron are both behaving like jerks in some parts of this chapter, and she lets Draco off very easy for that behavior. It's a lot to think about, and I really appreciate your honesty and the effort you've put into detailing her good and bad points. I don't get that from most reviewers.

It pained me a bit to write Ron as such a jerk. I really don't like stories where he's written like this. That's mostly because while he's kind of immature and a bit obnoxious by nature, I don't think he's a bad guy. Also, most of the stories that portray him like this are Dramiones. Enough said. But I felt like it was necessary to set the scene for what happens later on in this chapter. I've tried very hard throughout this story not to portray Draco in an overly sympathetic light. He's done some terrible things and he's not a character that deserves unconditional sympathy. At the same time, though, the world is definitely not giving him a fair shake. Se la vi.

I really liked how both Draco and Hermione ended up in their exchange. She's trying to be helpful to him and he's too blinded by anger and pride to have any of it. He crosses a line. She reacts in much the same way that she responded in Prisoner of Azkaban. It was immensely rewarding to write.

Again, you may be right. Astoria does rise to his defense in a way that's not quite set up by anything that's happened between the two of them so far. Needs work...

There is a valid explanation for why the old witch and the two wizards attack Draco. You'll find out in the next chapter. It goes back to his actions during the war.

I'm pleased that you still love the story in spite of its flaws. Again, thank you for being so honest about them. Unfortunately, I don't hear people's negative reactions as often as I'd like. They're as important to improving as the positive ones. Thanks so much for such a great review!


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