Reading Reviews From Member: Leonore
  
49 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LeonoreA Black story: Hogwarts

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

Nice start to the story, and I'll pop back every now and then to catch up. I like your new summary, by the way.

I would just like to mention the "new speaker, new line" rule - it makes conversations so much easier to follow :P Otherwise, good grammar and spelling, and you write conversation well.

In answer to your previous response: no, it is not weird to respond; in fact it is very much encouraged, especially for long reviews when the reviewer is often interested in the author's views. So respond away! We all make it up as we go along anyway ;)

Anyway, I don't have much time so I'm just going to have to say keep up the good work and goodbye!
- Leonore

Author's Response: Hi there,

Thank you for your new review, I really appreciate it!
I'll try to put in the 'new speaker, new line' rule in the next chapter haha, I hope the last chapters weren't that hard to follow :s

Thanks again!


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Review #2, by LeonoreEvil Will Prevail: Checkmate

21st March 2014:
Hi! Thought I'd finally get around to that promised review and get in on RRT at the same time.

[QUOTE] "I could've sworn that this is the place," said Tonks, stamping her foot in frustration, her hair turning a blinding shade of red. [/QUOTE]

This is so unexpected and really effective, the way you cut through the tension - kind of movie-esque, a scene change with a cliffhanger to something unexpected.

[QUOTE] Bellatrix pressed one long, dirty finger to the dark mark on her arm, the fingernail leaving a crescent shaped indent on the unkempt skin. [/QUOTE]

This is a really beautiful piece of imagery.

[QUOTE] A motionless disarray of limbs was curled up a few feet away, characteristic bushy hair sticky with gleaming blood. [/QUOTE]

And so is this. I like the way you keep it back, don't confirm it yet so it takes the reader a moment to realise who it is. Then when they are confused and still wondering whether they'd misunderstood it, you confirm it. Master of the plot twist, you are!

[QUOTE] His sister was dead. The little girl who had once climbed on his back and pretended he was a broomstick, her cheeky smile keeping him wrapped around her little finger, was now nothing more than a cold corpse.[/QUOTE]

I love that bit so much! First of all, Ron's memories are really effective to get across his feelings. Yes, Harry's sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, but at this moment Ron is the one we relate too and feel sorry for.

The wooden queen - so effective, the simple way Hermione replaces herself not with any old piece but a queen.

[QUOTE] Ginny opened her eyes. [/QUOTE]

As I said before, this it just a perfect impact sentence - and this placement is much better. Plot twist, again, and this is really the pivotal moment of the chapter. Infinityx, queen of the plot twist!

The attack works so well with your single sentence paragraphs, giving it so much impact. Certainly reading it first time through, the reader is constantly going "What? What? What?" - you just have to keep reading to find out what's going on. It's also so effective that the reader has little more idea than the boys what is actually happening.

Really dramatic, just be a little wary of overdoing it. At times you get close to the edge, but you manage to pull it back in again. It's the adjectives - mostly it's effective, but occasionally it risks becoming artificial. I think that's one of the things you just pick up with practise. Try to stay a step or two away from the melodramatic, keeping humour for the lighthearted stories otherwise it unfortunately doesn't work (a mistake I've made WAY too many times! Still do. Oh well, do as I say not as I do...)

[QUOTE] "Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived." [/QUOTE]

I might have already told you what I think of this ending, but I'm going to do it again. Perfect. Ironic, and final. It's been a crazy ride to get here, but the final line is so simple and effective.

The whole story is gripping, and even if there's the odd point where the flow begins to slide you grab it back quickly with one of your perfectly-executed plot twists. One of those stories you just want to read right through in one go, no matter how late it is or that you should be going to do something else.

Love it!

- Leonore

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Review #3, by LeonoreA Black story: From orphan to witch

9th March 2014:
Hello! I thought as you're new I'd welcome you to HPFF and give you your first (I think) review.

It's a great first chapter, fast-moving so that it doesn't drag and you can get to the focus of the plot quicker. One point I have is that the end is perhaps a little too rushed - especially when Professor McGonagall explains why her father is in Azkaban. I'd expect her to be more gentle about it, perhaps pointing out that no-one would judge Gabrielle (but knowing that it wasn't true). Or even struggling to hide her prejudice (that is especially if you want to make a bit of a theme of her being judged on her father). And Gabrielle's reaction - perhaps disbelief or anger, not just a nod. It's going to be a story about her, so you need to develop a character - I'd recommend making lists of her likes and dislikes, good and bad traits.

It works well anyway, that's just what I would do with this situation. There's a lot of underused potential. And OC development is the biggest obstacle when writing - I'm suffering the results of a lack of characterisation now (16 or so chapters in) so don't make the same mistake!

I love your opening, that picture of orphanage life. It's so often predicted as cruel, but you say that they skipped the meal - not were deprived of it - suggesting that they have a certain amount of freedom. And the stars stuck on the ceiling show a certain affection for the children (not just a job).

And your short last paragraph rounds the chapter off nicely.

> Gabrielle concluded it were coins.
I think you mean "concluded that it was coins" or something similar - take another look at that line, anyway.

I may well come back to this story when you've written a few more chapters (time permitting). It's shaping up well. Although could you please do something about your summary? You need to get people interested in the plot, convince them to read, not go "this isn't very good". If it isn't, then they won't read on. If it is, you've lost the chance by putting them off at the first stage. Think of the kind of blurb that attracts you to read a novel.

Good job, especially as your first chapter on the archives. Just sort that summary - we're all amateurs here and the favourite authors on the site started where you are now. Sell yourself, because when you're starting out you first need to get readers following your story. Then they'll read everything you post, and suddenly you're off.

Again, welcome to the site, and enjoy being an author!

-Leonore

Author's Response: Thank you for the advice! I'll do something about the summary - although I suck at writing summaries - And thank you for welcoming me, that's so nice of you. I hope you didn't think it was too horrible! This is my first story and I'm not that good of a writer anyways, but I'll try my best.

Thanks again

Ps: I'm not sure if I have to respond to reviews maybe it's weird or maybe it's not, sorry if it's unusual or something


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Review #4, by LeonoreChoreographed Affair: Choreographed Affair

4th March 2014:
Hi Rose! Popping by from Blue v. Bronze.

I've actually just finished a Helena Ravenclaw, so this one caught my eye when I was looking down your author's page.

I absolutely love the structure, those short chunks separated by lines. It's a really good method of covering such a long period of time, and I might have to look into using it myself! The way it develops so much in so few words doesn't feel rushed because of the way it is structured.

It's an interesting ship. Godric seems younger than I imagine him, but you do say at the beginning that he is the youngest and I suppose it makes sense as he fits his House's traits. The unhappy marriage is a good touch, explaining why he is actually interested in Helena - she is the daughter of a close friend, so if he were looking for a conventional relationship I think he might be more wary.

"...which recently have included Godric – no, Lord Gryffindor."
I love this little slip, the way she corrects herself. It shows how she thinks of him, and that she knows she shouldn't.

"It is in this letter that he asks what it is Helena studies, given that she is past the age for basic education. She writes that it is alchemy that occupies her time recently but she omits that the brilliance of gold only reminds her of the daring Lord to whom she often writes."
Great way of making it clear that it isn't a teacher/student relationship - I know I struggled a bit to do that in my story, but here it is not just effortless but important for the plot. Then the way she is still pretending that their relationship is that of friends, because she is afraid of ruining it - she has admitted it to herself.

I love this story, and I will have to go and find the other part. I struggle a bit with reviewing, but I'm making myself practise in the hope that it gets easier :P

By the way, I love the banner. Also the way the bloody baron is "Lord Gaunt" - I remember worrying about the fact that Barons didn't exist at that date, and I always like stories to be accurate like that - bonus points to you!

-Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore!

I'm really glad you picked this story! I'll have to check out your Helena story sometime soon!

Using the lines to break out sections was quite helpful. The challenge I wrote this for had a word limit so I couldn't elaborate too much on the story and give it long transistions. I'm quite a fan of using visial tricks like that to break out different scenes or times.

I'm really glad the scene I set for their relationship worked out. I didn't want to give them too much of an age difference and I didn't want Godric to seem sleezy for hitting on Helena. My partner for this challenge thought of the ship - I wouldn't have put them together otherwise but now I totally ship them.

The slip was my way of showing people that Helena wrestled with her feelings and wasn't just giving into a flippant desire.

With Helena's age, I never considered Godric to be one of her teachers. I don't think the founders taught students from the other classes either - so they're safely out of the student/teacher zone. She is very much struggling with her emotions and trying to contain them into a socially accepted relationship.

You should definitely check out Bow, Begin by nott theodore - it's just lovely! YOu do really good reviews!! :) Your feedback is really nice and thorough.

I'm so glad you like the banner! I struggled with it and still feel a bit meh about it. I think Bloody Baron might have been a nickname given at a later time by students. Just like Helena goes on to be called the Grey Lady.

Thank you so much for a fantab review!

-Rose


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Review #5, by LeonoreEvil Will Prevail: Into the clutches of the dark

20th February 2014:
I don't even know what to write. I've just read the whole lot, and I'm gripped. I just can't think about it objectively until I know how it ends. It's creepy, and so full of suspense I couldn't stop reading until I ran out of chapters (I was going to review every chapter but didn't have the words)

More twists? This whole thing is unpredictable, and the surprises help the reader relate to how Draco must be feeling.

There's just one thing that has stuck out slightly through re-reading this chapter - "a triumphant look combined with a seriousness on his face that twisted his features into a strange grimace" feels a tiny bit awkward.

As for Hermione - definite canon craziness, and I wouldn't like to meet this one on a dark night or at any other time! She's creepy, both ruthless and seductive and so completely in control.

There's that moment when you highlight the contrast between Hermione and Bella. Bella is obsessed with the Dark Lord, while Hermione is absorbed by power and cruelty. She's with the Dark Lord because she agrees with his aims, not just because she wants to be close to him, and that's what is really creepy.

The way Ginny is killed then immediately afterwards you jump to Harry saying that she's currently being tortured and then shouts that she could be dead - I can't even-

So the whole mission is futile. Usually there would be some chance of success, even if it failed, but here the mission has failed before it's even begun. "They could not afford to fail" - that is a perfect final sentence, showing just how unbalanced the situation is and how helpless they are.

An incredible story, so gripping I just want to keep on reading. This will have to go onto my reading list - and I try not to put too many there because I already have too many on the go. Wow, just... wow.

-Leonore

Author's Response: Wow. I don't even know how to respond to this! This must be the most descriptive, complimenting and encouraging review that I've received!

I can't tell you how happy I am that you read on till the fourth chapter. Thank you so much!

I'll re-read the chapter and see if I can make that sentence a little less awkward. Thanks for pointing it out. :)

I think Hermione is my version of a great personality. (The evilness just adds to it. :D) She's confident, poised, ruthless, sticks to her cause, and she knows exactly what she's capable of. I think that's the quality that I really wanted to bring out in her.

Ginny's dead...mission failed... well I'm not going to give out my secrets now. ;) There are going to be a lot of unexpected twists though. I hope I do justice to each scene.

Thank you for such an insightful review! It's wonderful to know that I've caused such a reaction. I'd love it if you keep R&Ring. It's a pleasure to read your reviews. My happiness is just boundless at the moment. :)

~Erin


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Review #6, by LeonoreFor the Greater Good: For the Greater Good!

30th December 2013:
Hi!

I thought I'd take a look at your stories, and decided to start with this one because the title is familiar!

It's interesting to see your version of the story, told from Albus' POV rather than Grindelwald's. You have Albus' fascination with Grindelwald, and the hints of slash are good but perhaps a little artificial in places, rather than seeming a natural part of the story. But as worse happens when I try to write romance, I can't really talk.

I love the idea he knows he is failing before Grindelwald arrives. How much he struggles to accept that and the way he feels guilty about being jealous of Elphias.

The way he thinks of his younger siblings sums him up well - he sees them as being younger than they are and less capable than him. He is too proud to admit that maybe Aberforth would be better at looking after Ariana than him.

Then Gellert arrives, and Albus wants to prove himself. That pride is clear again - he won't admit to not knowing things. He wants to impress Gellert, and has an unhealthy admiration - the way he hangs on to every word is worrying.

Then they move on to the Hallows and Albus realises that the Resurrection Stone could free him from looking after his sister. It turns out he doesn't want world domination so much, only to prove himself somehow. But Gellert links them, and his obsession is back.

Albus is so condescending towards his brother - feeling that he didn't really understand and he was jealous of Gellert. He thinks Gellert is so great that Aberforth sees it too.

The hints of Grindelwald's character that we get show that cold indifference towards others and his own ambition. But he also seems slightly childish, when he taunts Aberforth about his reading ability.

Albus' reaction to Grindelwald's Cruciatus curse is a little surprising but just about fits with the character you've created. He doesn't act immediately, and it takes him a minute to rethink his opinion of Grindelwald. Then he struggles to understand, resorting to a basic spell while Grindelwald is using unforgiveables.

Ariana's death - Aberforth really does care for her more than himself. He knows what Grindelwald is capable of, but abandons self defence when he sees her. "Ignoring the fact that Gellert was still firing spells at him" - nice reflection on his character, but considering the types of spells Gellert was using surely the consequences of this would have been nasty. Did Albus protect him?

And Albus' inability to understand that she is dead - "Is she... she going to be all right?" That is the most vivid line in the whole story. For a moment, he's abandoned his pride and is seeking comfort from the little brother who he was so condescending of earlier. He's frightened of the responsibility.

But then his character changes again, and this change doesn't work quite so well. The reactions - writing that realistically would be pretty much impossible. I'd expect a bit more before Aberforth gets angry like that (although he would when he'd got over the initial shock), and reading it back over several times I guess Albus is dazed with shock - perhaps that could be clearer?

Albus coming to understand at the end - he needed to grow up like that, but it's horrible that it had to happen in that way. So much guilt! He realises that Aberforth understood better than him, and he feels guilty for ignoring him. And he cannot accept that it is easier to see things looking back than at the time. He blames himself.

On the whole, a good story with hints if brilliance. The flow slips occasionally, like the conversation after Ariana's death where it jumps from checking her pulse to Aberforth shouting, but you pick it up again immediately.

A small thing - at one point you refer to "The Tale of TWO Brothers"

Interesting characterisation of Dumbledore, particularly the change to how he is when he is older. A worthwhile read.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hiya. Thank you so, so much for such an awesome, detailed review. I really wasn't expecting it. Thank you again.

I reread the story to check exactly what you were referring to in certain places, because it's four years old and I didn't actually remember all of it. I remembered the basic plot and so on, but not exactly how the transitions happened. And yeah, you're right, it is kind of jerky and clumsy in places. I'm half tempted to rewrite it from scratch when I get a chance and the queue reopens, but I have a few different chapters of stories to edit when the queue reopens, so might be a while.

I was actually thinking of this story when I read your Grindelwald one. I was thinking it was pretty much the other side of it.

I think there are some similarities in our stories actually. We both seem to have a few from the point of view of villains. I've "The Road to Hell" about Barty Crouch too. And "No Room at the Inn" has some similarities with your story about Remus, although all the characters in THAT are OCS.

I'll definitely correct that "Tale of Two Brothers" thing. Thanks for pointing it out.

The artificiality in the parts which focus on Albus's crush on Grindelwald might be because I've always seen Dumbledore as pretty much asexual and until J.K. Rowling SAID he was in love with Grindelwald, I always just interpreted it as teenage hero-worship, but I wanted to bring in the canon relationship as ignoring Dumbledore's feelings would be changing the story pretty considerably in a way, as it is the catalyst for some of his actions.

And yeah, he feels that being the oldest it's his responsibility to take care of his siblings, even though, as you say, Aberforth really would be better able to care for Ariana.

I guess I find it hard to see Dumbledore as having ever been truly after world domination. In the book, it seems like what the resurrection stone most meant to him was the chance of getting his family back. And I very much feel that a really bright boy forced to give up on a really exciting educational opportunity would seize on any chance at sort of using his intellect and imagination, which trying to find the Hallows certainly would, regardless of whether he wanted them or not.

Dumbledore is my absolute favourite Harry Potter character anyway, so I'm biased here. He reminds me of an Irish historical figure, de Valera, who I'm a big fan of. While reading Deathly Hallows, I actually put the book down for a while and asked myself "does he STILL remind me of de Valera?" and two words immediately came to mind, "civil war," when Dev, along with pretty much everybody else made some very bad decisions. At one point, he apparently said "the views of Rory O'Connor, which I was so stupid as to support are now the greatest barrier to peace that with have." Can't you imagine Dumbledore thinking the same thing about the views of Gellert Grindelwald?

I tend to feel Grindelwald was somewhat using Albus, playing on his crush on him. Though of course his reluctance to let Voldemort desecrate Dumbledore's grave indicates he DID feel something for him, but not enough to prevent him attacking his brother.

Thanks again for the review.


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Review #7, by LeonoreHow I Killed my Lover -or - Why You should Never Love a Werewolf: Is it Hard?

2nd December 2013:
Hi! Here from RRT.

Remus is so sweet and shy! I was hoping to catch you in review tag as it's an opportunity to find out what happens next - I'm trying to pace myself.

Remus starts off so insecure but throughout the chapter he's gaining confidence. The speed at which you're moving is good for setting the scene, establishing a background before the real action starts.

Sirius must be really irritating! Very childish at times, and doesn't appear to know the meaning of "tact". Poor Remus, having to put up with it.

The "security rabbit" is such a lovely touch - the sort of thing a parent would do after that sort of event once they'd recovered enough to think. Then "Elton John". It's lovely, and terible, that they both have that common ground - they're both afraid of sleeping alone because of memories, Remus of being bitten and Tonks of Death Eaters.

I still haven't replied to that review you gave me! I will get around to it, it's just so nice I want to do it justice.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore!!

*hugs* this review really made me squee. :D

He does slowly gain confidence here but it doesn't last terribly long. He kind of has a self-esteem roller coaster.

Sirius goes through mature phases too. A few (where it helps the story :P). In the end Remus doesn't mind too much to have Sirius around.

:D When I wrote my SS A Boy Bitten, I accidentally/on-purpose wrote Freckles into the story. They end up having quite a bit in common where it counts.

No rush on responding to that review! I take forever with mine too!

-Rose


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Review #8, by LeonoreEmbracing the Madness: That Would Be Telling

1st December 2013:
Hi,

Fine, I won't complain about all the paradoxes in your version of time travel...

Still a great story, though Hermione doesn't feel like the same character as Canon Hermione. I guess you did explain it earlier. And she's consistent within the story, which is the most important thing.

I especially like the humour and fluff, like the comments on Sirius' hair. You do those bits well. And the swimming pool, before Sirius started getting suspicious.

I'd be a little concerned about your apparent depth of knowledge when it comes to flirting - pity the boys! Except it never works quite the same in real life as it does in books, does it?

The thing that seemed most unrealistic to me was how quickly Sirius accepted Hermione's explanation. That should be a really big moment, as it's something he didn't believe possible. The way she spoke about not wanting to live through that future again might have convinced him a bit, but in my opinion its such a big thing for him to accept that she would surely have needed stronger evidence. Her recognising him would go some of the way, and knowing about the werewolf/Animagus stuff. but a lot of evasion and turning the sad bits of truth into a joke then they're back to wrapping themselves around each other with no more thought of the serious matters they've just been discussing. The state Sirius was in when she first met him was a result of Azkaban, but she jokes about his appearance when really I'd expect her to be sad about the change from the handsome young man she knows he was before. Turning something so serious into a joke doesn't seem right, particularly Sirius completely rethinking his views on what is and isn't possible.

Sorry, not a great review. I like most of it, just that section stuck out for me. Stick to the humour, fluff, and romance as you do that really well. Pretty good flow and writing style, too.

Leonore

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing.
xx-wolfgirl


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Review #9, by LeonoreHarry Potter and the Three Lockets: Protests Too Much

26th November 2013:
Wow! This is just priceless! Hagrid giving McGonagall away, and Harry as Dumbledore's best man. It's been a long wait, and I'd almost given up, but this makes up for it. Please write another one soon.

Leonore

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Review #10, by LeonoreEmbracing the Madness: Oldest Friends

22nd November 2013:
Hi!

Decided to read a few of the earlier chapters
again. Your Hermione is rather different to canon
Hermione, but is at least consistent right the way
through. And you justify most of the changes in
her character.

> "Can I try them on?" Hermione asked when she
had five pairs of pants some in different colours,
some different styles, a skirt, a dress and twelve
blouses and a jacket and three jumpers and two
pair of flannel pyjamas.
The long list gives a good effect, but there are a
few too many "and"s! Just one, at the end, would
be sufficient!

You said you'd love me to make you a banner, as
requested in your other chapter, but cannot get it
to you unless you have an account on the forums so
we can discuss it and I can PM you a link when
it's done. If you decide it's not worth it, that's
fine, but if you do sign up or have an account
message me on there.

I like this story enough I want to provide one!

Leonore

Author's Response: Hey,
I don't kow it you are able to access these. But if so I have now created an account on the Forums, just waiting for the email validation so I can PM you.
I hope you still want to do a Banner for me which will be super awesome, because I am looking forward to having one.
xx-Wolfgirl.


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Review #11, by LeonoreStakes, Tree Bark and Chocolate: His Eyes, Expression and Emotion

22nd November 2013:
Here from Blue v Bronze!

A little more romantic than I tend to go in for, but well written. While there is a lot of swearing, it does at least seem natural not awkward.

At the end, Oliver's opinions of the photos!

Grammatically:
"Chels, u need to do something." - I don't like use of "u" here - fine for social media and casual chat, but not for this situation.

"just because you're pulling out the big boy words..." - you had the wrong form of "you're"

Generally well written, anyway, so keep writing.

Leonore

Author's Response: Thank u so much! I was actually really worried about my writing in this piece. It wasn't meant to be good, just interesting. It was written for a request :)

The 'u'is a complete accident. And thank u so much for the review!! :D


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Review #12, by LeonoreThe Marauder Years: The Sorting

20th November 2013:
The pace has picked up already, particularly as you can put in more dialogue. These conversations are brilliant for developing characters and explaining background information without just writing accounts. Peter's introduction - he got himself noticed, anyway!

The Sorting Hat's song - I bet that took a bit of thought! Rhyming throughout, with a reasonable rhythm. It might be more effective with the same rhythm pattern for each stanza, but it's obviously not worth spending the time on that unless you're the book is to be published or you have a LOT of spare time!

Great story, improving all the time as the characters develop. This story is definitely a lovely light read for when I'm not in the mood for serious angst, horror, or action ;). I wouldn't have chosen it normally, but that's the great thing about Blue v Bronze.

Author's Response: Hi Leonore :) thanks for the review, and like my previous response sorry for taking so long to get to it!

I'm glad you think the pace has picked up a bit and tht you liked the conversations in this chapter :) I enjoyed writing Peter's introduction :D I hope you like his character development as the story continues (if you read on that is!)

I debated whether to do a sorting hat song or not when I wrote this, but I felt it had to be included (at the time anyway, if I was writing this chapter now I probably would have glossed over it ;))

I'm so happy to hear that you think this is a great story that is improving as the characters develop :) Thank you!

I totally agree, the review battle is a great way to read stories you wouldn't normally read - its what I love most about the review battle! Hope to see you again in this month's battle :)

Thanks again for the review!

Haronione ♥


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Review #13, by LeonoreThe Marauder Years: Diagon Alley

20th November 2013:
Lily's father reminds me of Arthur Weasley, except the opposite way round. So excitable. And Lily's fear when the first wand doesn't work for her that maybe she's not a witch.

Nice to meet Remus - he's none of my favourite characters, especially to write. You're last lines - that's two of them now where you build up a happy mood then knock it down. Cruel, but good writing technique.

These chapters are good scene-setters. Enjoyable light reading, with just enough tension to provide interest. I expect the pace will build up as they arrive at Hogwarts, but this is fine for now. Some stories launch straight in to action, but obviously that wouldn't work here and this is a much more appropriate opening.

Author's Response: Firstly I have to apologise for the ridiculously late response to this review!! Real life has been crazy.

A few people have said Mr Evans reminds them of Arthur Weasley, I did not do this intentionally it's just the way he came out :) I'm glad he came out that way though!

Sorry the ending to this chapter was a bit cruel, but I'm glad you thought it was a good writing technique. I'm a bit cruel to Remus for a few chapters but it won't be for long :)

I'm glad you found this to be an enjoyable light read and that it was interesting. The pace does build up a bit soon - as you said, I felt it wouldn't have worked here to go straight into action and I'm glad you thought this was a more appropriate opening to the story :)

Thanks for the review, and sorry again for the late response!

Haronione ♥


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Review #14, by LeonoreThe Marauder Years: An Expected Letter

20th November 2013:
Blue v Bronze!

Poor Petunia! I love how you just had her being jealous and mean until right at the end. And Lily doesn't understand why her sister is so horrible, but its because she's upset.

The accidental magic she's done, particularly the ice-cream... Surely that would be pretty noticeable! I hadn't thought about it before, but your story made me realise that there should really be people to explain magic to parents of muggleborns after serious accidental magic. They should know because it's underage magic.

Yes, the ending is the highlight for me. Lily's fear of the unknown, leaving home for the first time. And her mother, upset but hiding it for Lily's sake. Then finally Petunia, trying not to cry.

Excellent grammar and flow added to the storyline make this an easy and enjoyable read. Well done.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore :) Thank you for the review!

I don't think anyone is as mean as Petunia is to Lily without reason. I picture Lily and Petunia being very close as children and then all of a sudden everything changes because Lily goes off to Hogwarts. Here Petunia channels her upset at this change into being mean to Lily - changing the relationship between them even more.

You make a good point there, about the accidental magic. There should be people to explain accidental magic to parents of muggleborns, some of the accidental magic could be pretty scary - people may think they are going mad when they see it. Sorry waffling here...

I'm glad you liked the ending, it's my favourite bit of the chapter :)

I'm glad you found this to be an easy and enjoyable read! Thanks again for the great review :)

Haronione ♥


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Review #15, by LeonoreEmbracing the Madness: Game On, Sirius Black

20th November 2013:
First up: banner. I make all of my own. Do you have an account on the forums? If so, PM me (Leonore) and I can try. Not as good as the people on TDA, but I've figured out a graphics program and I enjoy making them.

Sometimes over romantic stuff makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't mind this. You make it seem natural, this long slow build up. And Hermione hasn't turned helpless but is very much in control. As I would expect from her!

Then Dorea Potter especially - she is such a wonderful motherly figure, and her relationship with Sirius is perfect. They're so comfortable together, and she looks after him.

Then that long battle over the hair! That fits Sirius perfectly.

Now on to a couple of things I picked out.
Grammar points:
Extra commma to improve flow:
"We wouldn't dream of harassing the girls, Mum"

Correct use of "they're" and "their"
"They're always like this. I swear THEIR one true love in life is each other"
"Now you're mine"

Canon police:
Once 17, students ARE allowed to use magic outside of school. The law is against underage magic only. On the morning of Harry's birthday, he uses magic to summon his glasses and tie shoelaces despite still technically being a student and not at school.

I spend too much time researching minor details.

Anyway, this is different from what I usually read but I'm enjoying it. Good job.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you're liking the story. When i was re-reading/editing i did pick up on a few of my grammar mistakes.I've been working on fixing them but i still miss a few =(
The canon, yeah i picked up on that too, but not until after i had already submitted and waiting for the queue takes so long... i'd love to have you make me a banner =)
xx-Wolfgirl.


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Review #16, by LeonoreLaws of Attraction: Science and Magic

19th November 2013:
Blue v Bronze!

Science! Yay! Respect for scientists. If I couldn't be a witch, I'd like to be able to do that - fit in with muggles, with a normal job, but also watch quidditch and if magic would be really useful for something I could ask a friend.

Nick is so adorable! Perfectly satisfied with being a squib. He wants to understand everything, can't just accept it. Like looking "love" up in the dictionary. And then so quick-thinking, coming up with excuses. "Consider this an imaginary ring..." Cute, quirky, and not afraid to be himself.

I do think Nick failed to look at human biology (which would have been vastly more relevant) and hormones, which is a pretty big oversight, but we'll ignore that as it wouldn't sound so good in the story and might even provide something approaching a (rather less romantic) answer.

Rose is so patient to put up with him. But it's worth it for her because he is such a lovely guy. Well done on a believable and loveable character! She'll be good for him, as she's down-to-earth while he's a dreamer. She'll look after him, while he keeps her amused, and they'll be happy together.

So many strokes of genius. Checking his blood pressure and stomach acidity, even having a full check-up. Schrodinger's equation, Archimedes jumpin gout of the bathtub. Then the fact that she can't simply accept "I ran", and finally the "imaginary ring". And of course the science.

Humour and fluffy romance, combined beautifully. I wouldn't say cringe-worthy - very cute and cliche, something most people avoid writing. A lovely lighthearted read, perfect as I'm not feeling like processing anything serious. Guaranteed to make anyone (except possible Voldemort himself, and maybe Bella) smile.

Thank you!

Leonore

Author's Response: Hey! I'm so glad that you liked the story! I was worried that it might be a bit too fluffy, but your kind words put that thought to rest.

Ooh, I completely forgot about hormones. Let's just say that Nick didn't specialize in biology at all shall we? Haha, I'm glad you found him adorable :)

Rose is like the perfect balance for Nick. She's calm, collected and willing to put up with Nick's crazy antics.

Thank you so so much for this unbelievably wonderful review!!


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Review #17, by LeonoreDragons of Dawn: Newt Scamander

18th November 2013:
Here for Blue and Bronze!

I've never read a story about Newt before, but particularly considering the challenge it fits. I'd expect Newt to take a camera, but actually maybe it's set too early before they were invented.

The Lemon Drops were a nice touch. And this:
"Newt tried not to think. It interfered with him being nuts."
Love that line!

I really like the fact that he does what he wants to, regardless of what other people think and not caring for profit. He loves the animals, and is willing to pass up and opportunity like that. You get across the impression of an enthusiastic amateur, which he is at this stage.

One tense inconsistency:
> They may be useless in all other aspects but muggles sure KNOW how to make candy <

Love the story, love your style.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the lovely review!

Everyone seems to love that line, which sadly was a stroke of Rick Riordan's genius. Not mine :(
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the story! Newt is an enthusiastic amateur with a craze for fantastic beasts. The dangerous the better. I think that even though he considers himself to be able to do what he wants, his mother's words do have a bit of an influence over him.

Ooh a camera! Never thought of that one. I suppose that Newt is a bit old for that (I mean he was older than Dumbledore so yeah cameras were probably invented a little later). I'll fix that tense mix up right now, thanks for pointing that out!



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Review #18, by LeonoreAllergic to Fun: Invitations and Unwanted Interventions

18th November 2013:
Poor Lily! Especially having to put up with having Alison in the same dormitory. And over-enthusiastic Lucinda. You've got a good character for Lily - she feels really that she has to live up to her own expectations. Many of her friends would be pleased to get an E at OWL at all, and she'd worried she only scraped it. And convinced that she's going to fail.

She's having a really bad day, probably something that's been building up for a while. She can't concentrate - giving up and slamming the book shut - and she's doubting whether she made the right decisions earlier. Not just doubting herself, but doubting McGonagall. Convinced she's been underestimated.

And then she wants to get away, or at least have a bit of sympathy, and she ends up stuck with her friends who don't care how she feels. I love the way Lucinda is over the top, exaggerating even in her mind. And very innocent, not suspecting anything even at such a surprising move. The opposite of Alison, who sees the worst in people and doesn't care (unlike Lily) for trying to be nice to her friends. So Lily's not only worrying about work but having to keep the peace. It fits her character perfectly that even feeling like she does she's trying not to show it.

Alison is the unpleasant girl who doesn't care for other people's feelings. Lily is trying to be nice to her, but as is natural she gives up and snaps half way through - not to defend herself but to protect Lucinda. Lily's a character I have trouble with because there's so little about her, but I love your interpretation of her.

The verbs you use for Lucinda are well chosen - "swooned" and "whined" - suggesting that irritating childishness. And she's so eager to help that she doesn't stop to consider whether she's really helping. I think a lot of us can relate to her.

But despite everything, Lily doesn't break down and get really upset. She's strong, but also under a lot of stress. The kind of character I feel I understand, and I love the way you have such a good picture.They feel like real people, with problems we all understand. A lovely change from most of the stuff I read, which tends to be rather darker.

Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore! I am really sorry about how long it has taken me to respond to your reviews!

I'm glad you thought Lily's character was good. She is often portrayed as a student who excels at all subjects and finds the work easy etc but I think she would have had at least one subject that she struggled with - no-one is good at everything! It's good to hear that you loved my interpretation of Lily :D

She is having a bad day here - exam pressure is getting to her. It does seem like she is stuck with friends who don't care how she feels, they do care really they just each have their own issues to deal with at the moment and they are used to Lily getting like this at exam time ;)

Alison isn't usually quite as grumpy and mean as she was here, something has upset her... I'm glad you thought the verbs used for Lucinda were well chosen :)

It is really good to hear that the characters felt like real people and that you found this chapter to be a lovely change from what you usually read :)

Haronione ♥


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Review #19, by LeonoreA Werewolf's Revenge: A Werewolf's Revenge

17th November 2013:
Short, sharp, and vivid. I've done Lydall's POV, but not Hope's, and I love this kind of story. It did not disappoint. You managed to get the picture across vividly in the short time available. No wasted words, just swift action, and if fits the plot you've chosen - bewilderingly fast.

Technically, you have lovely flow and excellent grammar. Usually I'm picky, but this time I can't find anything. Well done!

Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore, sorry for the late response to this review!

I found it hard to write this in so few words so I'm glad you found it vivid and that it did not disappoint :) I might have to make my way over to your author page to check out Lyall's POV!

It's so good to hear you thought it had lovely flow and excellent grammar :D Yay!

Thank you for the lovely review!

Haronione ♥


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Review #20, by LeonoreNomenclature: Signing the Map

17th November 2013:
Hello!

This is a lovely lighthearted piece. Peter sounds confident and happy, which I don't normally think of him as, but why not?

> James took his quill off the parchment and rolled onto his back. Tapping the point of the quill on his chin, James looked thoughtful. "You're right, there’s only one secret passage there – this is a broom cupboard," he said repositioning himself to continue drawing. <

I love this one, although is "thoughtful" the right word? He seems to be teasing his friends. Otherwise, imagery is excellent - that little trait, tapping his quill on his chin, shows how relaxed he is.

> "We should have a name for the map," Sirius said looking up from his work on the dungeons. "It should sound cool, suave, and debonair."

"We are not calling it the Sirius Black Map of Hogwarts," James said with a slight smirk on his face. Peter laughed and shook his head in agreement.

"It should represent all of us," Peter said quietly, keeping his eyes on the part of the lake he was drawing. "We've all put into it."

"Well, we've been 'those pesky marauding kids' to Filch for a few years," Remus said dipping his quill in ink to jot the name down on a scrap of parchment. <

This conversation puts across character nicely. Sirius, not trying to hide the fact that he comes from a noble family but joking about it, and also a bit of a charmer. James can pick up on the hints, suggesting the close friendship between them. Then Peter, very earnest and wanting to be fair. He's most insecure, not quite so confident with the banter. A serious boy, and shy. Remus is the one with the genuine suggestion, not just teasing.

And then you're building Sirius' character especially - you've given him that bitter side - referring to Kreacher as "that old toe-rag." While he jokes about his background, he also hates it.

Actually, you're building on his relationship with his family - "I thought the name of Black commanded more respect than that." You could really have added Sirius' reaction to that. It's just a reminder that he is from this noble family but doesn't want to be.

> "We might get more attention with a dog, a rat, and a stag roaming into the kitchen than four slightly visible pairs of feet and ankles in the dark. Just a thought, mate," Sirius said with a rogue grin. <
Haha, lovely. Sassy Sirius.

> Sirius smirked as he took a bite of ice cream. "Wouldn't be the first time someone's called me a dog," he said waggling his eyebrows. "What about Peter's rat? Is it because he eats three times as much cheese as the rest of us?" <
Yes, Sirius is definitely confident - he's not afraid to make fun of himself. He's proud of his bad reputation, highlighting the difference between him and his family. Then the Peter/cheese thing! Hinting that this is something they tease him about a lot, and the way he responds suggests he's not insecure about it as you might expect (surprises me a little)

> "I am a stag, not a reindeer," James said pointing his spoonful of treacle tart at Peter. "I don't want to be (mod)associated with prancing." <
I can see why you used that one in your summary! And I do like the way you've got those little gestures in, giving more of a sense of real people.

> "At least I won’t be the only one with a furry secret," <
So Remus is not at all insecure about his condition - he's joking about it. I guess that shows the extent of their friendship.

> "Every time I have to follow him onto the grounds I just tell myself to follow the worm." <
While this is a bit of a tease, it's also got that slightly cruel streak - the bitterness is there again. I don't think the others would say something like that, but Sirius would. That Peter doesn't object suggests he is too happy to be accepted at all. He takes being insulted - even mildly - very well, certainly better than I personally would expect.

> "If you start calling me Big Foot…" <
Yes! Love it!

> Grabbing his vial, Remus dipped his quill in the brown-red ink. Bending low over the parchment, he signed his new name in a large curly signature. Peter went next and signed Wormtail in an untidy scrawl. Sirius signed Padfoot as if he'd been signing that as his name for his entire life. James went last and managed a very smooth copy of the name his friends picked for him. <
This is a brilliant paragraph. You've got so much of their character in those small action. It's the details like that which are the highlight of this story for me.
And a lovely last line.

Overall, I find it a bit strange because the personalities of the characters aren't what I expect. Peter is more confident, Remus more secure in his condition. James is less arrogant. I think the one you do best is Sirius, with that sharp edge and the bitterness but also his easy friendship with James. The way he makes fun of himself. Small details, little movements that you drop in here and there, make the characters more real. Although I'm not convinced your Peter would betray hid friends at any point - they're all too close.

You could go into more depth, getting some emotional input from characters not just an account. Some of it is too quick and easy, but it is only a one-shot so that development doesn't matter so much. You've got some great lines in there, sassy and funny.


I am terrible about picking through grammar and typos, but actually I only spotted one thing - the first piece of speech is a question, so requires a question mark: > "Are you sure there's a secret passage there, James?" Remus asked <
And watch your sentence length - some of them drag on, divided only with commas, and it can become harder to take in the main points.

An enjoyable read,
Leonore

Author's Response: Hi Leonore!!

I have to say, this review was such a lovely surprise!!

Peter has always been a puzzle for me to write. I think he had to be a good friend for a period and then something broke which made him turn a bit evil.

I did think of James as having to think about what was in that hallway, though I can see why it sounded like teasing. I'll have to think through what I wanted to convey there.

When I wrote that bit with sirius saying the map should be named for him, I was thinking more of his ego than his family. I'll have to mull over that implication of what he says and see if it sparks changing that up a bit. I do like how you've interpretted their banter/discussion here. :D

Part of me sees Sirius as quite a bitter person, even as a teenager. I hadn't explicitly thought of him that way before but I do tend to write in bits where he's angry or bitter with the world at large. I blame his parents.

I had to make Peter a little cool. I couldn't see James, Sirius, and Remus hanging out with someone who was a complete dork unless there was *something* redeemable about him. So, I let Peter have a few good moments. Maybe I give him more good moments than others do because I feel he's often painted with an unfair brush.

In other company, I don't think Remus would dare mention or joke about being a werewolf. There was a bit of this in Snape's Worst Memory in OotP where Remus jokes about the werewolf question on the test but gets kind of miffed at Sirius (or James) berating Peter for running with a werewolf every month and not being able to answer the question. I saw his joke about having a furry secret being his okay with it side and his reaction to the name Moony as his not okay with it side. I could definitely scale back his ease with his bffs knowing and talking about his condition in closed company.

I'm so glad you liked how their personalities showed through signing the map. :D I really enjoyed writing this so it's great to hear that it was an enjoyable read.

I'll have to ponder how I characterized the guys in this. I considered them to be in their ultimate comfort zone while doing this. I'm not sure when I see Peter turning away from his friends. My gut says he was rather close to them throughout school (if he hadn't been an outstanding friend, James wouldn't think of having him as their secret keeper). Though, you've given me a lot to think about here.

Ooh, I did mean a question mark there. :) Typos are kind of my thing (thing that kill me when I write). I'll watch the sentence length too. I'm probably overcompensating for feedback I had on older stories that said I was too choppy when I write.

Thank you so much for such a detailed and thorough review!!
-Rose


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Review #21, by LeonoreDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: Of Dancing and Scars

16th November 2013:
I'm really enjoying this story. Just to check - is Alexandra Voldemort's daughter? Generally very well written, except for a lot of apostrophe errors slipping in. Not in this chapter, I don't think, but a lot of previous ones. "Death Eater's" is belonging to a Death Eater, belonging to more than one Death Eater "Death Eaters' ", and the plain plural would be "Death Eaters" with no apostrophe (Using that as an example as I've noticed that a few times - usually using the first example where the context requires the last).

I like the bits of flashback you throw in - they really help to explain the background. You've definitely gone AU. Do you have the background, and all the back stories, planned out in detail? Because it seems fairly well thought out and it's good how you're concentrating on the important action while just slipping in the odd snippet of extra information.

You've got a few one-shots / short stories in it, like how Harry ended up with Alexandra and who is she anyway? And you hinted at something with Remus biting Devlin to save him (werewolves don't have hands), but what from? If Snape is known as a traitor, how is he still alive?

What I really like is the "Grandfather doesn't like it" kind of lines, which are strong imagery. The quotes, especially the "If you can't speak to me coherently, child, then do not speak to me at all." one. Voldemort combining impatience with a certain level of fondness - like a strict parent.

The chapter from Voldemort's point of view was a nice contrast, and gave another side to his character - one only suggested before. He cares about the boy, and not just as a challenge.

I do get a little worried that you may be drifting towards a cliche - Devlin discovering that Voldemort lied to him, and starting to accept his parents. The "family love" thing. Nothing wrong with it as a story, but your summary did say cliche-less! Be careful when making that kind of specification for yourself. Of course we could just be building up for a plot twist.

All round, an excellent story so far and I look forward to reading the rest. Minor grammatical slips, mostly apostrophes, but not enough to ruin the story for me. Well developed characters, and an interesting plot. A good job writing from the point of view of Devlin - excellent insight into how someone in that kind of situation might feel and especially someone of that age.

Well done, and keep writing,

Leonore

Author's Response: Hello! What a nice surprise to find an unexpected review! :)

I am horrible at apostrophes and don't mind admitting it. I do know how to use them, but when I end up in the writing zone I sometimes forget.

This story was started before Half Blood Prince came out, so it was going to be AU by this time regardless, but it was AU back then, too. So yeah - very AU. I know most of the backgrounds and most of the side stories (that is to say, most of them are written and the others are just floating half-certainly in my head waiting for me to decide on small details before committing to them). This story has been written in it's entirety - this is a rewrite. A sequel was even begun, but that will need to be rewritten too. So yes - I know what will happen.

I have written side stories about Alex and Harry, Remus biting Devlin, and so on - but they were more for my records than anything else and the quality would need some improvement before I posted.

Alexandra is definitely Voldemort's daughter.

Are you so sure Voldemort truly cares for the boy beyond a challenge? That would be a bit cliche, wouldn't it? ;-)

I am confident that as a whole this story is cliche-less. While I will not reveal the ending I can assure you that Devlin is a complex character (like anyone true person). He can come to care for his parents without becoming a 'golden boy' as you seem to hint in your cliche (sorry for the cliche Harry Potter term). I guess you'll just have to stay for the ride to find out.

Thank you so much for the review (it's nice to know someone has read all the way through!). Can't wait for you to get a look at the next chapter (it's in the queue right now).



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Review #22, by LeonoreWaiting for a Train: According to Severus...

26th October 2013:
Definitely not bad for your first story. I'm sure as you write more you'll develop the characters more and build a good plot. One thing I find a bit odd - haven't you marked this as a one-shot? A one-shot is a story only intended to be one chapter long, and judging by your summary you intend it to be a lot longer than that. You label your story depending on how long you intend it to be, not on how long it is right now (just in case you hadn't realised - it is your first story).

You could do with a little more description, and also try to get some action in immediately to get readers interested. But definitely not bad for a first try, so keep writing.

Leonore

Author's Response: Thanks, and no I didn't know that one shot meant that so thanks

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Review #23, by LeonoreOperation Wandless: Chapter 15

24th October 2013:
This is a really good story, and I haven't seen one like it. Having never read Spooks, I can't compare but you've thought it out well and it works. Well done, and keep writing.

Leonore

Author's Response: I am glad you are enjoying it. Spooks is actually a TV-series, not a book.
Thank you for the compliment and for the review. It means a lot!


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Review #24, by LeonoreEmbracing the Madness: Starting Anew

15th October 2013:
Nice original start, and I can see this developing well. Keep working on it! I like the godfather bit.

Leonore

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing. I have heaps of chapters pre-written, I promise it only gets better from here =)

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Review #25, by LeonoreDeepest Desire: The Mirror of Erised

15th October 2013:
Wow, this is beautiful. And that ending! Although why isn't Hermione in the mirror? I like George's death explanation, in a way - funny but sad. A good story - I'm sure you'll be writing more.

Leonore

Author's Response: I'm really glad you like it! And yes, I will be writing more . . . . as soon as inspiration strikes.
Thanks so much for the review!


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