Reading Reviews From Member: Leonore
  
98 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LeonoreThe Rise of the A.W.L.: Reactions.

15th August 2014:
Right. I have my teddy bear. You've been scaring me about this chapter.

Um, uh oh. This is really not a promising start.

Missing apostrophe - "From the looks on her classmates' faces,"

Dora's smirking again. Surprise surprise.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO BLACKBURN? CUT THE SUSPENSE!

*laughs at Neville having dropped his wand*

I would expect a question mark here, to indicate the way it's spoken: "Yes, Rose?"
Missing word: "...and that if she just waited..."

Phew. I mean I don't like that Blackburn's not sleeping well but at least Dora isn't directly responsible (again).

Oh. Oh no. Here's the bit you were talking about.

"Rose had the impression she was quite stressed." This sentence isn't really necessary. The previous sentence shows very effectively that Blackburn's stressed, so you don't need to state it explicitly. In fact stating it like that detracts a little from the effect.

Oh no, she's blaming herself for being on edge. Vicious circles.

That kid is unbelievable: "On edge about what, Professor?" Dora asked slyly. "Turning into a werewolf tonight?"
Good response from Blackburn, at least. But really? Dora is a disgusting creature with no sense of decency.

Missing word: "Can you just get on with your transfigurations, please?"

Punctuation: "How could anybody, even Dora, ask something so hurtful?"

"She looked pretty upset." Well duh! Genius, Rose. Maybe more effective to "show, not tell"? Although why I'm encouraging you to torture her in even more description I don't know. Plenty of that already. But yes, write what makes her look pretty upset to Rose, rather than simply stating it.

DORA IS SMIRKING AGAIN. HEX HER, ROSE. But then Blackburn would have to give Rose detention. But Rose would then have time alone with Blackburn to maybe talk to her. Blackburn would probably feel so much guilt about having to give Rose detention for protecting her, but she'd do it because that's her job (and Dora would get her fired otherwise). But Rose could point out she didn't care, that it was worth it. But then Blackburn would feel the professional sense that she hadn't given an appropriate punishment. But... ARGH, THIS IS CONFUSING. JUST HEX DORA, ROSE, AND NOT IN FRONT OF BLACKBURN.

HEX HER

No, Rose. Don't mention Dora's parentage. That would just be hypocritical.

NO BLACKBURN, STOP FEELING GUILTY ABOUT BEING TENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. *squished Blackburn in a giant hug*.

"I think Blackburn's pretty stressed," GENIUS, Rose. I mean seriously.

Chocolate. Yes, she needs chocolate. Aww, they're all so sweet. PLEASE DON'T LET THIS GO WRONG. CAN THIS PLEASE JUST BE A NICE GIFT?

Fionnuala made a good suggestion. That's character development! She's aware of what's going on! Nathan's still stumbling around, though! Aww, they're so cruel to him. :P

"a small pile of gold" - if they've only got 14 sickles and 5 knuts, the pile is mostly silver, no gold. (Technicalities :P )

Fionnuala is very involved in this! Fully awake and conscious and making very sensible suggestions! (CHOCOLATE!!!)

Yay, it hasn't lead to disaster! (at least not yet) Those kids are so sweet. Please can this make Blackburn happy? Or at least a bit less miserable? Pretty please? *Dobby eyes* (Apparently Dobby eyes work on JKR herself; so they must work on you too, right?)

Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for this awesome review. *hugs you*

I've corrected those mistakes. I don't usually make so many. I just ended up rewriting most of this chapter as a lot of it sounded REALLY bad the first time and then got so fed up with it that I couldn't be bothered editing properly. So I knew there'd be a few words and punctuation missing, but I decided to post it anyway. *laughs* I've been working on this chapter for a couple of weeks, so got to a point beyond caring.

The parts about Rose thinking she's stressed or upset were more to show what Rose is worrying about, but you're right; apart from anything else, it flows better if I leave out that "Rose had the impression she was quite stressed" line, so I've removed it. Plus, there are too many of those comments. Something else I'd have noticed if I'd read it through in one go, rather than writing a few hundred words at a time.

*prods self over the gold/silver thing* I actually meant to check that, but forgot.

And yes, Blackburn is working herself up into a complete state, isn't she? But you know, it's one of the hard parts of being a teacher (and one you don't think of until you're in the situation) - you're supposed to be the adult and the person responsible, which can add extra pressure if you're already stressed or upset about something.

Hmm, I'm not entirely sure about Blackburn's response. In a way, it is letting Dora know how much it's getting to her.

Oh, believe me, a certain amount of that stuff about Blackburn seeing Rose hex Dora occurred to me too. I definitely think she'd be torn between knowing that as their teacher she should punish Rose, being grateful that at least somebody is concerned about her and feeling guilty for having set the whole thing in motion, so to speak. And I think that if Rose said it was worth it, she'd both think Rose was just saying that and also that she should be discouraging her from thinking that way.

I agree it would be hypocritical to give away Dora's family background and while there are many things Dora should be blamed for, her family isn't exactly something she can help. Rose just finds it hard to keep quiet Dora is mocking others for not mentioning stuff, when she isn't herself. And Rose can be somewhat impulsive.

*laughs at your comment that Blackburn needs chocolate*

And do you really think I'd make them giving her sweets go wrong? *grins evilly* No, seriously, that is just a gift, that's all. I'm not even sure how it COULD go wrong.

You really expect me to be consistently nasty, don't you? With good reason, I expect.


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Review #2, by LeonoreThe New Pride of Portree: Friends Again

6th August 2014:
Hmm, has Mariah given up or is she planning something? So she was shocked to find out that Fitz and Molly were actually serious... but I'd almost say jealousy is more likely than acceptance in that situation. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Ooh, Fitz does care about Mariah. If he'd really moved on, he wouldn't be wanting revenge or being keen to not look at her. It's that it's revenge for the affairs - not just for being the cause of his injury. I guess it might be a pride thing, that he's embarrassed that she wasn't happy with him but felt the need to have those affairs. *shrugs* Well, something tells me there's going to be some Mariah trouble later.

Good ol' Percy. Getting thing sorted out. And making Fitz actually think about Molly's feelings rather than just making assumptions. I love the way he hints at his own experience of coming back into the family for the battle.

Love the cottage pie thing - it's just so normal and relatable.

Molly and Fitz, just friends? Mmm, not sure about that. No, Molly, you're more than friends, as everyone except you can tell...

I'm half surprised that nobody made a sarcastic comment about Hilarion "watching" the game on the wireless. I guess it's not my family, and they aren't really in the mood for picking up on technicalities like that.

Hilarion's so sweet.

Hold the baby. The cure for everything :)

Love it, as always.

~ Leo xx

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Review #3, by LeonoreHead Girl Evans: Lily

1st August 2014:
Hi Grace! Dropping by from BvB!

That list of all the ways she's been bullied... poor Lily! And worried that she's not a Gryffindor because she runs away, because even though she knows logically that it's the sensible thing to do she's still got that doubt that maybe it makes her a coward.

Something I spotted: "when the meeting resumed" - as it hasn't get begun, I think you mean "began" ("resumed" implies there's a break in the middle of the meeting).

Yes, Lily! Definitely a proper Gryffindor! Bravery isn't necessarily about standing up for yourself and picking fights. It's about refusing to give up and sticking to your beliefs no matter what, and that's what she does. She deserves that badge.

A general comment - some of your sentences drag on quite a lot and can be a bit confusing. Maybe break them up a bit? A lot of the long ones, it's just a case of having the right punctuation to make it work, like this one I'd makes something like: "She couldn't question him about why he'd been chosen as her partner - the meeting was due to start any minute. She could express her shock for as long as she wanted afterwards."

Yes, Lily! Well and truly in charge. She showed those bullies what she's capable of! And in regards to your A/N - nope, not dark! I'd say it's happy, not pure fluff but very positive. Just keep an eye on your sentence length and punctuation to keep the flow smooth. Otherwise, lovely story! And great choice of topic!

~ Leo xx

Author's Response: Hey Leo! Thank you for stopping by and I'm glad that I caught you in Crit mode.

I can't really blame Lily for having that doubt that running away from the threat because she's from Gryffindor and I don't doubt that she had heard people say that running away from a threat made you a coward and that would've probably stuck with her.

I took your suggestions about the sentences and I cut some of them up into two sentences to make them shorter.

Lily is my baby so I really wanted to write about her overcoming the trouble that she must've gone through while attending Hogwarts.

Thanks so much for reviewing!


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Review #4, by LeonoreThe New Pride of Portree: Widdershins

26th July 2014:
Hi! Dropping by with another classic Leo-review (nonsensical rambling and all)

I LOVE the superstitions bit in the middle, and the comparison to 'The Scottish Play'.

Ooh, awkward parents/Fitz stuff!

Poor Fitz. Practically the first thing anyone mentions to him is his shoulder. And he screwed up in front of Molly's family.

Yay, Prides! Haha, Jinks and "Chariots of Fire". Definitely a good move on Fitz's part, showing them those films. And they get on so amazingly, with their inside jokes and friendly insults.

Great press interview technique - "please don't print that" "don't print that" "or that". If it was anyone but Ginny...

Yes! Don't let Rakes get away with it. Though if he hadn't cursed Fitz then Fitz and Molly probably wouldn't have ended up as coach and captain...

Fitz + Molly = :D

I think you're the only author who's made me really care about the romantic side of the story. I guess this one works for me because their relationship is pretty complicated - injury, manager, temper, OCD, being coach and captain, worrying about the team, and of course the parents. It actually seems realistic, which is something I hardly ever feel.

By the way, I'm jealous of them getting to spend so much time on Skye. I went camping a few years ago, just for a couple of days, and it is the loveliest place. It may have helped that in out week going round Scotland, we had the best weather for those days, but even ignoring that it's lovely.

Yeah, it genuinely does rain a lot in Scotland. Not all the time, but a lot. And they get a lot of snow in winter. Though there are many days when it's beautifully sunny, there are also many with atrocious visibility due to light rain/mist.

And Brits do talk about the weather a lot. It's not just a cliche. I am living proof (and I'm not the only one obsessed with it, either) :)

~ Leo xx

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Review #5, by LeonoreThe Rise of the A.W.L.: Howling at the Moon.

22nd July 2014:
*gathers Blackburn into a big hug* You're not having her back unless you promise to play nicely! *glares*

Yes! That bacon! They definitely did deserve it.

"Roosters aren't animals," she pointed out. "They're birds."
Honestly, Rose... Considering the official scientific definition of an "animal" (with assistance, as ever, from Wikipedia): Animals are multicellular, eukaryotic organisms of the kingdom Animalia (also called Metazoa). Animals are divided into various subgroups, including vertebrates (birds, mammals, amphibians, reptiles, fish). Roosters are birds. Therefore Rose is actually incorrect: roosters ARE animals (just not mammals).

Ahem. Yes. I have a habit of picking out things like that (I wrote a short essay brit-picking on washing machines in a review for someone not that long ago).

Poor Scorpius. He's making stupid decisions, but I can see why. I suppose you can make his life hard, and Angie's, and anyone else's you feel like, but I'm keeping Blackburn. *glares again*

I want to say at least Dora'll fail Transfiguration, but then she'd blame Blackburn and there'd be charges of incompetence not just of being a werewolf.

Haha, Binns is a useless teacher.

I'm all caught up now :D (I just reviewed this chapter not the next one because what I have more to say about it specifically). Bye bye! *waves*

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, thank you for this review. It made me laugh out loud and cheered me up on a somewhat stressful day.

And I LOVE your nitpicking. LOVE you proving Rose wrong. You need to have a conversation with her. She needs to be proven wrong occasionally, I think. She's a little too sure of herself. And Albus isn't sure ENOUGH of himself. *laughs*

Please feel free to Brit-pick anything that isn't quite right in these stories. Sentence structure is what can be most difficult actually as I am progressively beginning to reaise we use a fair bit of Irish-language sentence structure directly translated into English, one of the most obvious being "I'm after doing..." instead of "I have done..." I once spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out how non-Irish people would say "it's after snowing." "It has snowed?" "It's has been snowing?" "It's snowed?"

Scorpius was actually about the hardest character for me to characterise, as it seems like both the idea of him being a repeat of Draco and the idea of him being completely different and having to prove himself have been used so often. I've seen both done fantastically, but that's the point. I didn't want to just copy something I'd already seen somebody else do. I guess he is different and trying to prove himself a bit in this, but mostly he's too caught up in Quidditch to even bother about proving himself.

And I liked the idea of a Slytherin who is ambitious in a non-typical way. It's not wealth he wants or to be the centre of attention, but rather to excel in his chosen area. We haven't seen much of that kind of ambition in the series, probably because most of the main characters - Harry, Ron, Sirius, Hagrid - are rather biased against Slytherins.

And yeah, Dora and her father would probably blame Blackburn if she fails Transfiguration. She can't really win on that one, because if she tries to make Dora work, she's setting herself up for hassle. Of course what she SHOULD do is report Dora whenever she makes comments. And people like Flint too. But considering she can barely hear the word "werewolf" without getting upset, I don't think she'd find it too easy to discuss their behaviour.

And yes, Binns is useless.

Thanks again.


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Review #6, by LeonoreThe New Pride of Portree: Let Us Break A Few Heads

12th July 2014:
I thought I'd finally let you know that I'm reading and loving this story. I found it during diadem voting, then a few days later opened about ten tabs with different chapters to read while stuck waiting in a place with no internet. It definitely kept me from getting bored!

OK, I read this chapter and went to watch a bit of the World Cup third-place play-offs before reviewing and found myself just sitting there watching and thinking "Falcons" every time the Brazilians fouled (which was a lot, even in just half an hour). Although unlike the Prides, the Dutch seem to be pretty good at keeping their play clean (I may be biased, being 1/4 Dutch...). Anyway, going off on a slight tangent. I like tangents. *Insert dumb mathematical ramble here*

Yay, Molly and Fitz! Ignore managers and ex-wives and all of that. This fic has the perfect balance of romance and other stuff. Just romance really isn't my thing, but there's so much backstory and other factors and complications and their relationship is more than just "she is so beautiful and I gaze into her eyes and feel something stir inside me and we are soulmates" but all of the arguments and her kind of looking after him and worrying about him and then feeling guilty because the manager says no relationships in the team and trying to keep it secret and... *list gets out of hand* And then all the training and match details, not blow-by-blow accounts because that would get boring but all of the key events and bits of information like drills and archive footage and fouls and seeker search patterns and stuff. But yeah, action and drama and angst and Molly's OCD as well as well as the romance. And technical details! I LOVE technical details! (Like all of the medical stuff.)

Just like any muggle professional sports team, with the management and coaching and the healer team. And the ice baths and painkillers and everything. I love the way they've got the team drinking culture, going to the pub and having too much and all that. They're not perfect, they don't sacrifice everything to play on the team, they're people who happen to love Quidditch, be amazing at it, and do it for a career.

Urgh, I hate Rakes. It's one thing for it to be some random member of the public... OK, that would be horrendous too, to attack just because their team was being beaten. But he was already in the wrong being with Fitz's wife and then he convinces himself he's being wronged in some way - or just curses Fitz because he's used to getting his own way, or just wants an excuse. Whatever, it's horrible.

Good old Ron. He scared Fitz a bit talking about the Cannons, but he doesn't really hold a grudge. (To be honest if he held a grudge against every player who played against and beat the Cannons he'd have a lot of grudges). And he lets Molly know about the fight so she can come pick him up, knowing it's not worth a scandal.

Now I want to know why Rose and the random guy are covered in treacle. There has to be a story in that...

Yay, the Prides won! *doesn't actually dance round room celebrating because that would be a bit weird and my family might notice, especially as it's past 11pm* I like Hugo. That's all I'm going to say about him. All your characters are amazing. OK a couple are amazingly unpleasant, but they're all nice and complicated and like real people.

I hope you like long inane rambly reviews with lots of tangents. I am in that mood. And I'm making it long because this review partly covers my love of the whole story so far not just this chapter.

OK, I have no idea how much of that consists of my random comments and how much is actually relevant to, well, anything. Shall I stop talking (typing) now? ;)

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #7, by LeonoreHC Event 3: The Last Time: The Last Time

12th July 2014:
Hi Amy!

Awww. And yay! And awww again. I love the moment you've chosen to do! Sad, that he never went back to the shop after Fred's death, but at least he kept on inventing - which I would actually expect to be harder. I mean the shop is just a shop, but inventing is something they always did together. But then he doesn't have to go to the shop, and he does have to keep inventing if he doesn't want it to close.

Some of your sentences need some extra commas to break them up, like this one: "He opened his eyes and pushed himself into a sitting position, which was easier to do than he had expected." Just to make them a bit easier to follow.

Um, I think I'll have to ask you to explain the joke because I've thought a bit and I can't see it. "Pre-gorgeous" Yeah, probably me being slow ;)

I LOVE THE ENDING SO MUCH. Together again. Forever. Yay!

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: I couldn't see him stopping altogether, even if Fred is gone. He would want to keep the shop alive even if he couldn't stand to be there.
I shall keep an eye out in the future for missing commas!
Drop-dead gorgeous. It's a terrible joke and you're not the only one who didn't get it :P
Thank you!


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Review #8, by LeonoreSolace: Comfort

12th July 2014:
'm all sad now. Poor Oliver, poor Katie. Absolutely beautiful descriptions, natural-sounding dialogue. And the first section is too sad.

Gorgeous characterisations - they're such normal people, Oliver all awkward asking her out, the nurses not superheroes knowing exactly what to do but scared of anything new. I love how Oliver just talks about Quidditch, not knowing what else he can mention. He doesn't know what else to talk about so he just falls back on Quidditch as a safe option. And she reminds him that she wants to know about other things too, like how her friends are.

I WANT A NIFFLER. It's so cute! All fluffy and calm and snuffling around.

Sad and beautiful and sweet and 10/10.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Hey Leo!

Yeah, I always try to make my characters as normal as possible. I read back my dialogue and see if I can picture it coming out of the character's mouth or if it flows naturally, the way normal speech would.

Glad you enjoyed the story! Thanks!

-Amanda


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Review #9, by LeonoreOutsmarting Umbridge: Outsmarting Umbridge

10th July 2014:
"The Haggis is on the fire now". I love that - a nice demonstration of her Scottish roots. Poor McGonagall, and well done her for trying to remain professional and follow the rules. And she can remember the numbers of the decrees! I suppose she has to know so she can warn students of violating them.

And the fact she's protecting her House. They broke the rules, but she's sticking with them. And good old Flitwick, offering to take the blame. Umbridge deserved that Canary Cream - you've presented her as suitably ghastly and right in character.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #7

Author's Response: Thanks!! I read on Pottermore that she was a hatstall between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, so her intellect and memory would make it easy for her to remember the decrees. Plus, I can only imagine what staff meetings were like under Dolores.

And Flitwick? Yeah, I have no problem imagining him trying to outsmart Dolores. Especially film Flitwick, and that little hand gesture he did when the Weasley twins made their exit.


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Review #10, by LeonoreHave a Biscuit, Lupin: Have a Biscuit, Lupin

10th July 2014:
Hi Lisa

This is perfect in so many ways, there's no surprise at all that it won overall! Seriously, I'm jealous of your writing.

Their relationship... just the right level of complexity. Ex-student - I adore how he can't call her by her first name, and how she doesn't force him to, and how he can't help but feel nervous sitting in her office. And the professional side, as colleagues - talking about lessons, in particular the extra ones he's giving Harry, and referring to Snape politely as a colleague. And then the friendship that grows, the way she looks after him when all of that stuff happens. It starts off cute and quickly gets sad, and all the way through is that little bit of normality: the biscuit. A truly great friendship. Gah, can you share your talent please?

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #7

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Review #11, by LeonoreThe Last Tomorrow: The Last Tomorrow

10th July 2014:
It's just sooo sweet! Little baby Teddy, with his changing-colour hair.

The way Remus refers to the moon like it's capitalised, The Moon. He's afraid of it, and kind of fascinated. Remus is one of my favourite characters (he was my absolute favourite, but I'd have to give that to Hugo in my novel now). It's such an interesting situation, the way he's stuck with Lycanthropy, hating that part of him and terrified of passing it on, desperate but also afraid to be accepted. Anyway, I'm waffling now.

You've captured him beautifully, and that ending... I know he was reluctant to marry Tonks, and he tried to run away when he found out that she was pregnant, but he had to go back and despite all of his fears he's happy to have the baby. Really, really sweet.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #7

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Review #12, by LeonoreA Child's Cry: A Child's Cry

9th July 2014:
Meh. Can't even...

I read this a while ago, voting for the diadems, but that description of George at the end just gets me. And of Molly as well. The pair of them. Gah.

Going back... haha, I love how the descriptions of their first cries indicates their later characters. And Molly, calmly understanding them. I like that little touch that she had complications during the pregnancy - she didn't just pop out kid after kid, she had difficulties like any other woman. And she found it easier with practise (ie. when it came to Ginny) suggesting she didn't get the hang of it straight away.

Beautiful, happy then so sad at the end! Excuse me while I go cry.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #5

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it, both then and now +]

I don't think anyone just get's the hang of it right away. And every baby is different, so you end up just trying to figure out which shortcuts work best for everyone. (Oldest of 8 siblings by 7 years. I had PB&Js down to a science!)

Haha. It's ok. My hubby only read it once, and refuses to read it again. +] Thank you so much for this review!


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Review #13, by LeonoreThe Riddle of Lord Voldemort.: The Riddle of Lord Voldemort.

9th July 2014:
Helllo! It's ME! (I know, me actually reviewing, shock horror!)

Today is not a "coherent" day, sorry in advance. This is not going to flow at all.

Voldemort seems so normal, so logical, and it's the calm way his ambitions are presented that gets to me. His calm belief that muggles are beneath wizards. Urgh, this shows it rather clearly. "He wanted to be more than human; more even than a wizard." Wizards are more than humans.

"Lord Voldemort was the smartest boy in my class" - haha, yes! Definitely not the reputation he's looking for!

Just catching a comma which I don't think should be there, after the word "although" in this sentence: "It sounded slightly disrespectful, although, of course it pleased him that people did know who." And perhaps it could do with a little more detail on his rebirth, on how he feels when he's inhabiting the snakes in Albania.

But I really like your characterisation, on a character I see a lot of people struggling with. His calm certainty of his own superiority (ignore my grammar, I'm speed reviewing). He's often portrayed in a slightly mad way, but he's charming on the surface while entirely sure of himself inside. And his pride in being a descendant of Salazar Slytherin! That's definitely very important to him, and I really like the way that's mentioned at various points right through the story.

A joy to read, like all of your stuff!

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 - Educational Decree #5

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. *grins*

I'll take out that comma. Actually, I'll do it after responding to this, before I forget.

Characterising him for this story felt easier than it should have. Actually, I think this might interest you, he comes across as a textbook case of RAD to me, although I wrote this story before I even heard of RAD, so it hasn't much to do with that.

I was thinking of the fact Tom Riddle grew up in the English equivalent of an industrial school and while I don't think things were as bad there as here, nonetheless books like Agatha Christie's show that orphans were pretty much looked down on there too. Miss Marple's employing of young girls from the orphanage as servants is pretty much seen as charitable, although she likely couldn't afford a maid otherwise.

So imagining how it would feel for somebody who was looked down upon by all of society to then find out they belonged in another world where they were descended from one of its most famous historical characters and where those who looked down on them are themselves looked down upon. I think it is easy to see how he could have bought into that.

Although of course, it's not an excuse. He could just as easily have decided he'd never look down on anybody, knowing how it felt when people looked down on him.

Thanks again. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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Review #14, by LeonoreThe Black Dress: The Black Dress

9th July 2014:
Awww, this is so beautiful! I'm not sure whether I can find words for it. Cho's fiance is such a lovely guy, she're really lucky to have him. And the point where she remembers those lines he said to her - especially the last one! Because of course he doesn't stay safe in the maze and come back to her.

You are a talented person! The flow is gorgeous, like the description - I can just imagine that dress! And the sort of person she is, that being the only simple piece of clothing she has. And then the watch - a bit of the muggle world. It makes Cho's feelings seem even more relatable, realising that it doesn't matter that she's a witch or that Cedric was killed by Voldemort, just that she's lost something like that.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #5

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Review #15, by LeonoreThe Fatal Flaw: The Fatal Flaw

8th July 2014:
Hi (again) Lisa!

This line is so Sirius: "He liked to think they’d had a connection." I love all the 'favourite dementor' type remarks.

And the pretend hate but actually liking for the hippogriff, calling Buckbeak names and telling himself that Buckbeak isn't self-aware, and that he's just an animal but actually knowing Buckbeak is self-aware and a good friend.

And then accepting that they were both in trouble for being proud! They relate beautifully, a lovely friendship.

"If I die, look after my Hippogriff," LISA NO! TAKE IT BACK! YOU MADE IT SAD AND IT WAS SO KIND-OF-HAPPY

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #4

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Review #16, by LeonoreViolet Hill: a glimpse of infinity.

8th July 2014:
Hi Kiana!

So short, and so pretty! Absolutely gorgeous description - and likening him to the thestral! So much lovely imagery, lovely description, beautiful flow... beautiful everything. The way it's sharp and angular and flawed but despite all it's generally considered to indicate he finds it peaceful and a sign of hope. Lovely.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review, Educational Decree #4

Author's Response: Hi Leo!

Aw, thank you! I'm so glad that you liked the description as I really did work hard here to make it etherealy if that even makes any sense :P Thanks for a great review :D

-Kiana


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Review #17, by LeonoreEvent Three -- The Firework-Maker's Daughter: Songbird

8th July 2014:
Poor, mischievous Fwooper. Stuck in the cage. Although it's hardly the best behaved of birds. It's understandable, wanting to be free, and horrible to think of the poor thing stuck in a cage with a silencing charm on. Good Roxanne! It might not be legal, and she'd certainly get in trouble of she was caught, but she sees that the treatment of it is wrong. And she even has the sense to cover her ears after removing the silencing charm, not underestimating it!

Aww, so sweet.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review, Educational Decree #4

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Review #18, by LeonoreThe Start of Something: Prompt 1 - Lily's Fairy

8th July 2014:
Hi!

This is so sweet! It starts off kind of like a passage from a non-fiction book about fairies. Especially until you refer to a specific fairy. It's a lovely opening.

It's all so sweet! Short, and really cute. And how at the end Clary says that Lily would make a good fairy. And fairies and Christmas are the perfect combination. So sweet, I loved it!

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #4

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Review #19, by LeonoreStatue of Us: Autumn, 1978

8th July 2014:
Hi again!

Naughty Lily! Not such a good girl after all...

"Pick another facet, then." Good retort!

Honestly, Sirius! As we agreed in the cabin, he's an idiot. And James isn't very happy with him. Um, NOT a good moment to go interrupting...

Your marauders banter (in fact all your banter) puts a smile on my face. Witty comebacks, more witty comebacks, and sass. James HAS changed quite a bit, gotten a lot more responsible, and I think the death of Fenwick is actually a great cause of that (not just trying to prove to Lily he's not an idiot), shocking him into realising that at the end of the year he'll be at risk of the same happening to him. It's shocked him into seriousness - although of course not enough to make him boring!

A joy to read, as ever. And I can't even find any washing machines to give CC over... :P

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #3

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Review #20, by LeonoreThe Fred Weasley Memorial Scholarship: the spirit of fred weasley [or] exit, pursued by a bear

8th July 2014:
Hi Lisa!

Love this chapter! The way they combined all of the pranks, and involved the whole of second year, and... the TEDDY BEAR! With the "Hoggy Hoggy Hogwarts" conga. And yep, you making literary references again...

Beautiful characterisation, I always laugh at your dialogue. And you actually created exam questions! I know you were writing exam timetables earlier...

Absolutely love it! (like the rest of the story)

~ Leo xx


House Cup 2014 Review - Educational Decree #3

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Review #21, by LeonoreLove Lost to the Greater Good: Adult

7th July 2014:
Hi!

I just reviewed your more recent one-shot and I have to say I like this one a lot better! You've got some nice characterisation, especially for Albus, nicely getting across his frustration and resignation with the situation.

There are points where you need to remember "show not tell", especially when Albus and Gellert meet. It's very much "this happened, this happened, Albus felt that Gellert was..." when perhaps you could present those facts without actually stating them.

The list of things Ariana's destroyed is something that really works. At this point it's more appropriate than showing particular moments as it gets the scale of her destruction across.

As I said before, you have some great description, just perhaps try to describe a few more non-romantic events? :P

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Leonore,
People who review twice are amazing. Thank you. I always liked this story, and was disappointed that it was less popular than some of my other fics. Thank you also for the advice, it is really helpful. Romantic events are the easiest to describe, because I am best at describing emotions, (Death scenes are also fun!) but I really should try some other stuff. My favorite non-romantic fic that I have written is called: The death of Severus Snape. It is also my most popular fic. If you enjoy my writing I would recommend it.
Gladis Gudgeon
P.S. Sorry of the shameless self promotion.


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Review #22, by LeonoreScylla's Misbehaved Midnight: Scylla's Misbehaved Midnight

7th July 2014:
Hi!

I thought I'd pop by and give some of your stuff a read. It's descriptive, particularly once you get into the flow of it, and there are a few lines which work especially well, including the last one. I think perhaps longer chapters would allow you to get into it properly.

I have a few suggestions: firstly, it's Roxanne (with 2 Ns!). And "peer" not "pear" pressure" Secondly, I think you could do with varying your sentence length. There's a bit of variety, but you can go far more to extremes - particularly in terms of having longer sentences, including having more sub-clauses broken up by commas. And semicolons. Semicolons are amazing. #random

It's very promising, and you've got a pretty popular kind of plot, just fill it out a bit. It gets especially good when you get into the story, so towards the end, and if it was longer it would probably be easier for you to get into the flow of it. And it's hard to present characters in so few words, so especially hard with OCs (where we don't have any idea of them beforehand). Great descriptions, especially in the second half but all the way through. Not bad at all. :)

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Leonore,
Thank you for reviewing. I totally need a beta reader, or just to read over my writing before I post it. Thanks for the spelling tips, I'm absolutely hopeless at spelling even with spell check. Semicolons are amazing! Characters are my favorite part of writing, and I believe they are my strong suit. Story structure, not so much. This story is so shot because it is a spinoff of a longer story called Hostage. It has six chapters now, but half the reviews of this one shot. If you liked this story please check it out (and review)!
Gladis Gudgeon


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Review #23, by LeonoreThe Quidditch Wars: Pre-Battle

6th July 2014:
Hi!

Great characterisation. Cordelia's absolutely obnoxious, and unfortunately that's realistic.

One little thing I'd like to point out, just at the beginning. This is in present tense, while the rest is in past: "Ah, the very sound of it pleases my ears." There are a few points like this through the chapter, where the tense slips just for a paragraph.

The formatting, with the new line for each word for the dramatic angry sentences, is a really appropriate style.

Cordelia does as you say seem very unpleasant, but as you say, characters grow.

Beautiful flow and excellent grammar. Good job.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

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Review #24, by Leonoreetc. etc. (and life goes on): Manic Panic Mondays

6th July 2014:
Hi!

Straight away, you've got a great MC. This sums her up pretty nicely: "Just because we report rubbish doesn't mean we need to write like it." Ambition, and common sense. She may not admire the magazine, but she's not going to cut corners or mess around with it. It's her project, she's taking it seriously.

I also love this: "...for those unwilling, a double-chocolate cauldron cake thrust under their nose does wonders."

I'm trying to think of CC because HC review requirement and struggling a lot. It's so good! Um, so lets be ridiculously nitpicky: "You don't really want to know if your friendships are stronger than your stomach." This sounds like a threat, but the previous sentence said that the method of using a chocolate cake worked wonders so apparently all of the stomachs are stronger than friendships and people all end up knowing. Um, don't know if that makes sense, hope so.

Beautiful writing style, lovely original plot. Gorgeous characterisation. 10/10!

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Antics like the first chapter are super nostalgic for me, because this story stops being about the newspaper very quickly, but I'm former newspaper staff and I miss the processes and team banter. The nitpicking, distribution, due dates that are never met!

Teehee, I'll take the nitpick for your HC requirement. I'm forever editing this story, though I'm stopping soon since I'm doing an OF rewrite.

Thank you! ^__^


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Review #25, by LeonoreStatue of Us: Summer, 1978

6th July 2014:
Hi Lisa!

Clearly I have some idea where this is going from the cabin/CR...

I absolutely love your Marauders banter! Especially James spending the entire summer delighted and reminding everyone that Lily said he was growing up.

I'm going to have to pick out this sentence as a demonstration of all that is awesome about this conversation. "I don’t need to know about those dreams, mate." Everything seems perfectly natural, right in character.

There are so many brilliant little quotes I want pick out, but then I'd end up picking out a third of the story! "How reliable is a dog's income?" is definitely one of them.

The idea of testing him for the Order with the Head Boy badge is so good!

I'd usually think of Remus as the bright one, but Sirius is the one coming up with Animagandi and stuff. Which actually makes perfect sense, particularly with the fact he had a tutor. Remus works hard, Sirius is brilliant.

He charmed his sock on. And yet it hasn't occurred to him to clean them by magic. Sirius is a bit of an idiot. A lot of an idiot, even.

"Not much bigger than a broom cupboard." So approximately equivalent to a broom cupboard... Remus and Sirius in a broom cupboard equivalent... ;)

Aww Remus, so innocent and unsuspecting... ;)

I'm going to britpick on something: "He lifted the lid on the washing machine." UK washing machines have a door on the side and a small drawer for washing powder etc. not a lid on the top. I wouldn't tend to expect a dingy place like Sirius' to have one at all - even now, people in that kind of place would tend to go to the laundrette - but it could be there (especially if he acquired it from somewhere) and it does make for some good lines.

Naughty Moody... Sirius is having a bad effect on him. Magic is useful.

Good, they've acknowledged fifth year, now they can move on and not have it between them too much for the rest of their lives. And excellent subtle hints!

The last paragraph is poetic.

~ Leo xx

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Heya Leonore! I apologise for taking so long to respond to this - I've left responding to the House Cup reviews till Event 5 finished.

I'm glad you're enjoying the Marauders banter! I flatter myself in thinking I'm pretty good at banter, but taking on canon characters like the Marauders who are so well loved by the fandom is another thing entirely.

Yeah, exactly - it's definitely canon fact that Sirius is one smart cookie, while Remus I think is more a high achiever and hard worker, while he maybe lacks some of the natural brilliance of Sirius and James. Not that he's unintelligent, by ANY stretch of the imagination, but it's a different sort of intelligence.

Sirius is an idiot. A brilliant idiot.

Ah, the Britpicking on washing machines. I do actually appreciate that - and you've now volunteered yourself as my go-to British culture expert. Thanks!

I'm glad those hints were subtle and not "smack you over the head with blatant Wolfstar tension." And I'm quite proud of that final line, so thank you!

Thanks again for the review!


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