Reading Reviews From Member: wolfgirl17
222 Reviews Found

Review #1, by wolfgirl17(4) States of Matter: Lights Out

26th February 2015:
Hey Wistful,

Wolfgirl here for our review swap! So this fic is really interesting so far. I clicked over earlier when I saw your 'a wild chapter appears' status. I couldn't resist the pokemon theme of it so here I am and like the total nerd I am, can I just say:

Wistful uses flow, plot and characterization! It's super effective!

No but seriously now, nerdism aside *clears throat self-consciously* there are a few things that could use tightening.

The most noticeable is the present to past tense way you've jumping during sentences, like this:

"It begins for her when the lights went out."

It's just grammatically and flow-ishly (this is my new word) incorrect. They just don't match up, ya know.

It should either be:

"It begins for Lily when the lights go out."
"It began for Lily when the lights went out."

If the tenses don't match up it seriously disturbs the flow of the sentence and messes with the readers head. It can work if you are beginning in past tense and then changing to present as the character moves forwards, but even then the situation is tenuous.

I must say though that I'm very intrigued by the concept you've got going here and I'm interested to see where you're going to take it.


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Review #2, by wolfgirl17Lilium: Chapter One: A New Start

26th February 2015:

Wolfgirl here with your requested review.

So first off, I know your areas of concern were that you wanted to know if your writing style worked well, if the fic has any direction and whether or not people want to keep reading.

Therefore, in regard to the style I will say that there is some room for improvement. It's not bad, by any means, there are just some things that could use polishing and tightening up. The biggest one is the typos throughout, and the formatting of your paragraphs. Such huge hunks of text tend to turn the read from enjoyable into a slog. Like chewing a really rubbery steak. It can taste good, but it's in your mouth so long as you try to break it down that by the end it tastes like your eating cardboard and you wind up with an aching jaw.

The trick is to keep your paragraphs short and sharp. 3-5 sentences maximum, and depending on the length of the sentences, less is more.

The less is more thread actually leads me to my second point. The trick with writing is to give the reader enough to sink their teeth into so they know what's going on and to paint the picture, but let them wield the brush too. Sure, in your mind it might be super important the way the light hits the characters hair or whatever, but they are the types of details that make for those chewy paragraphs. I'm not saying leave things vague, but I am saying leave something to the imagination of the reader. The thing about painting a picture is that everyone looking at that picture will see something different. Some might see the trees against the skyline, others only focus on the facial expression of those within the picture. Trying to force them to see more usually leads to disinterest in the reader and you don't want that.

Now, I'm not going to nag on about canon and the effect of AUs because it's probably redundant, but for me your characters are a little too OOC to be completely enjoyable. Lily is depicted in the series more than once as being incredibly and unwaveringly kind. Even Dumbledore thought so, and he saw through most.

I don't want to nag either about Beauxbatons an Dumrstrang, but they are supposed to be Co-Ed as per the books, not the movies.

The thing about a story like this is that while the idea is certainly original, you need to keep it somewhat relatable for the reader. The reader needs to care about your characters and what happens to them. They need a reason to want to read on. If they don't like the characters there's a good chance they don't care what happens to them and so stop reading.

You've definitely got an original idea here though, so kudos for that. I hope this was helpful.


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Review #3, by wolfgirl17A Muggle's Wand: Prologue: Bellatrix's New Pet

26th February 2015:

Wolfgirl here with your requested review. Finally.

So I noticed you've got a couple of typos. However, I'm very intrigued by this concept. How did he use magic if he's a muggle?

Also, at this point Bellatix hasn't been in Azkaban for years and years, so she really shouldn't be as off her rocker as you've made her seem in this chapter. Even in canon she's not this barmy.

Your flow for this story is good, though your characterisation of Serahn needs a little more polish since at this point we really know nothing but that he is a muggle, homeless, a theif, and by some strange twist of fate can do magic.

In regard to plot, thus far there isn't much of a foundation other than that he can do magic and has a wand. Not to mention an unfortunate history with Bellatrix, which I suspect might get him in a good deal of trouble. I suppose the most important thing to consider when writing a story, when really introducing it this way is to ask yourself the all important question:

"Why should the reader care enough to continue reading?"

I do this every time I write. Why should a reader care about the character being invented? Why should they care what's going to happen to them? It's really important because if you can't think of a reason, chances are the reader won't either. That's around the time they get bored and navigate away, and no one wants that.

Personally I want to keep reading purely out of curiosity about why he can do magic and what he's going to do with the power. But at the moment, with so few redeeming features amid the characterization you've given Serahn I find myself not really caring about him in particular, and more about the wizarding world not knowing muggles can do magic.

Certainly an intriguing concept. Keep up the good work and feel free to re-request.


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Review #4, by wolfgirl17Through the Black: Gryffindor Versus Ravenclaw

26th February 2015:
Hey Claire,

Wolfgirl here with your requested review. I'm so sorry it's taken me so long. I don't have an excuse other than that I'm a total slacker.

Now, onto the chapter!

So there are a couple of typos that could use tightening up, just things like leaving the s off claws and that kind of thing. You'll catch them in an edit.

The flow of this chapter is a little off too, due to the way you jump between the scene on the train, with Flitcwick, class then Quidditch. Don't get me wrong, it's got a very movie feel in the way the plot and scenes are constantly shifting, but there's not a lot of plot development going on from what I can see. I mean, I love reading about the day to day lives students would lead at Hogwarts, but each chapter should be doing something to further the plot, no matter how subtle a progression it might be.

Now the bit about the cousins being crazy and homeschooled might come up again later as an important point in the progression of the war. The idea of her becoming a teacher certainly provides a sense of expectancy for the future, and the bit about praciting Shield Charms is good because they'll be useful later, but right now they are just kind of fillers for the chapter.

Does that makes sense? I hope I'm not upsetting you. I just felt like this one didn't progress things in any substantial way, and when the story begins to feel like it's going nowhere, readers tend to wander off.

All of that being said I did like the interactions between Sirius and Julianne getting kicked out of the library for snogging. It feels very Sirius. I'd love to see more moments like that.

Now, to the game. It was interesting to read and you made it feel like I was right there in the stands watching. That's great, it really is, but since this fic is predominantly from Julianne's POV it would've been even better if you could give us a feel of actually being in the game, and being there right on the broom behind Jules.

Also, I was wondering how things are going with the fic i requested from you, the missing moment from this fic?

As always, I love reading this story. Keep up the good work.


Author's Response: Hey, Ellie!

Yeah, this chapter was more fillerish, just because of the scenes that ended up together in it. The train scene was a way to really fully explain her dad's specific viewpoint and to start to hint at the whole Animagus thing. The career advice I felt was necessary, but that may have been just me. I may be going overboard with it, but I really wanted to drive home the whole 'Ravenclaws don't have to be good at school' thing that I started, as well as show more than just the traditional 'Ministry or Healer' route that seems to be popular.

Yeah, the Quidditch match wasn't as action packed as it could have been, but I honestly am shocked that I even managed to make it work as it is haha. I've played sports my whole life, but I don't think I could have written it just from Julianne's point of view. Plus, the chapter was already starting to get on the longer side, but it wouldn't have made sense to put the match anywhere else. There will definitely be more Quidditch matches in future and I'm definitely attempting to keep the focus on only Julianne's playing.

Hehe, I'm glad you liked the library scene, it's one of my favorites and I had so much fun writing it :)

For the fic, I'm definitely getting to it. Between college and writer's block, I've been having a really hard time finding the time to write. I'm trying to get out another chapter of this story first (it's almost done) and then I'll definitely get to your requested story. Hopefully I get to it sometime this month!

Thanks again for your review!


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Review #5, by wolfgirl17love and lycanthropy and other institutions: institutionalisation

25th February 2015:
That was amazing Teh! This story was brilliant. It's so gritty and real and in you face that I love it.

Fantastic work, as always.


Author's Response: Awww, Ellie! ♥ Thank you so much for this lovely surprise review! This made my entire week. :D THanks for stopping by and taking the time to read such a long one-shot. This really means a lot to me; thank you once again for being so supportive of my writing. ♥


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Review #6, by wolfgirl17Beyond Forgiveness: Beyond Forgiveness

25th February 2015:
A very dramatic story. It feels a little unfinished to me. maybe you could do an edit and extend it a bit more, or a sequel or something. Also, you'r formatting is a little off, by the looks of things that's due to you copy-pasting the text into the chapter box when you posted the story rather than using the paste as plain text button and then re-formatting it in the chapter creation div. That's why the spaces are so big between paragraphs but the words in the paragraph are so jammed together.

Author's Response: Thanks for bringing the formatting issues to my attention! I was considering a sequel, but I have a couple other stories I need to work out first, plus my multichap Coming Out of the Shadows (check it out!) so that's probably going to be a long term thing. Thank you so much for reviewing!

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Review #7, by wolfgirl17A Single Point In Time: 1982

25th February 2015:
Hello again.

You're breaking my heart with these little stories. They are so tormented in the aftermath of the loss of James and Lily and I can only imagine the sadness and the horror that must've rules those early years when Harry was still such a baby.

Thanks for writing such a wonderful collection. I hope to see more soon.


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Review #8, by wolfgirl17A Single Point In Time: 1981

24th February 2015:
Hey love,

Here I am for our review swap. I remember seeing this idea when you mentioned it on the forums that you wanted to do this collection and I must say it's off to a heartbreaking, yet fascinating start.

I particularly enjoyed the way you had Dumbeldore so conflicted over the end of the 1st war, and of his choice to leave Harry with the Dursley's. I agree with Phineas. It'd have been better for Harry to be raised in the castle. Perhaps not safe - what with the lack of protection provided by Petunia's blood - but a far happier childhood for Harry nonetheless.

A tender thought must be spared for Severus in his anguish and pain and fury over the loss of Lily.

This was a very moving chapter. Thanks so much for writing it. I'm going to continue reading this one. You'r style is so captivating.

I also just remembered I still owe you a few reviews as your winnings fro the Christmas Challenge. I'm so sorry to have forgotten. I'll get right on them now, I promise. *blushes and flails*.

Great story. Serioulsy, I can't wait for more, so please post every time you update so I see it and can continue to read your marvelous work.

xx- Ellie

P.S. I do hope there will be a chapter from Sirius and one from Remus? Maybe even one from Peter too? I feel the collection would be incomplete without them.

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Review #9, by wolfgirl17Ugly Eloise: Chapter 1

19th February 2015:
Hey Kaitlin,

Ellie here for our review swap =)

This story was so sweet and lovely. I was particularly amused by Malfoy and Bulstrode being together. I really liked the way you had Justin being so sweet to Eloise and the way you had her really see herself there at the end. It's always nice to read and Ugling Duckling turns Beautiful swan story and this one just might be the sweetest I've ever read.

There was one little issue where you accidentally wrote that she "shook her head, yes" when you meant nodded, but other than that this story is positively delightful and so fluffy that I think I may have cavities now lol.

Keep up the great work. It's nice to see you expanding your writing horizons.

xx - Ellie (wolfgirl)

Author's Response: Hi Ellie,

Thanks for taking the time to review this. I have to tell you I was terribly nervous about writing this as romance and fluff are not my strongest suit, so it really makes me happy that you liked it.

Originally, this started as a really depressing story, but I always write darker stuff. Since it was for The Valentine's Challenge, I thought it was a good time to breakaway and try something different.

Thanks for catching my typo. I need to get better at sifting that stuff out. I just get so excited when ideas hit that I type incessantly.

Thanks again for the review!


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Review #10, by wolfgirl17Forbidden Wanderings: A Surprising Encounter

19th February 2015:
Hey Nix!

Ellie here for our review swap =)

This fic was really interesting and I must admit I enjoyed it immensely. I liked the way you really framed Draco's psychological state with this one, and while the bit about killing people was a little inaccurate (his failure to kill is his biggest redeeming feature and the reason he stays out of prison) it was still intriguing to read.

I like the way you drew the parallels between Draco and the Thestral. During the war it's very accurate likeness.

On a side note, I absolutely love your banner. It's so pretty. It's the reason I clicked this one. A pretty banner and a Draco story and I'm hooked every time.

Keep up the great work. I hope to read more from you soon.

xx-Ellie (wolfgirl)

Author's Response: Hi! I had to go back and reread this story before I could answer this because I haven't looked at this one in ages.

I'm really glad you liked it though. I know it's not perfect and it could have been better. Of course, Draco never kills in the HP universe as far as we know, so I did take this a bit far AU-wise, but I really just wanted to emphasize on his sorrow and grief. Maybe I should rewrite it though, since it's been so long since I wrote it, and the House Cup has been long over and done with. I don't know.

And thanks about the banner, even though I did not make it. It is very pretty. Thanks so much for the review, I hope you get to read more soon, too.


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Review #11, by wolfgirl17(Soul)Mates: Prologue: Mates

19th February 2015:

It's me. I saw that you'd posted and I just had to come over here and gush some more about how much I love this story and this whole idea and what a wonderful writer you are. Seriously, I've beta-d for others in the past and it was a slog, but beta-ing for you is a breeze and I love everything about this story and can't wait to read more chapters.

Totally going to be here gushing over every single one by the way (as though I don't gush enough in the PMs lol) Anyway, keep it up! I can't wait to read more.


Author's Response: Hi Ellie!

Thank you for all the support you've already shown this story. I'm so excited by it and I've been having a blast writing it. You're enthusiasm is so nice, because sometimes I think that what I'm writing is too silly until I get your feedback. I really appreciate you beta-ing this! Now, I've got to get on to the next chapter! I'm feeling inspired! :)


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Review #12, by wolfgirl17To Fear A Full Moon: Chapter 1

18th February 2015:

This story is so powerful. I saw it in the list of status updates, and being that I love all things werewolf related, I couldn't resist clicking it.

I'm so very glad I did.

I love the way you've written this as though Pansy is giving a speech or an exclusive interview. I love the way you've framed the mistreatment of werewolves through Pansy's own misconceptions regarding them.

This fic is pure gold. Please keep up the fantastic writing, good luck in the challenge, and thank you for contributing this fantastic gem to the archives.

xx-Wolfgirl (Ellie)

Author's Response: Hi Ellie,

Thank you so much for your lovely review. I'm happy to hear that you thought it was powerful. I tried to write this to mirror how people with AIDS were treated in the 90's.

I was a bit worried that it wouldn't be believable for Pansy because she's such an uncaring person, so that's why I started it with the misconceptions. Originally, I wrote this as a newspaper article, but because of site rules I had to modify it a bit.

Anyways...thanks again for your comments. It really made my day.

~TreacleTart (Kaitlin)

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Review #13, by wolfgirl17Halcyon Days: Chapter One

18th February 2015:

I saw this link in the status bar and followed it. =)

I liked this very much. I'm intrigued to read the next two chapter and to see how you portray Blaise and Ginny as a couple. It will be very interesting indeed. Great chapter.

A couple of your sentences feel a little clunk in places, as though thy don't read smoothly in my mind. Maybe try re-wording a couple by reading the piece aloud (record yourself doing so if you have the app on your phone or computer) so that you can hear the parts where it's a little interrupted, flow-wise.

Once you're happy with it, you could even use it as a podcast of the fic. I'd love to listen to it with all the inflections of the author-voice. Sometimes it's difficult to hear the author-voice over ones own reader voice.

I'm looking forward to reading more from you soon.

xx-Wolfgirl (Ellie)

Author's Response: Hi Ellie!

What a lovely surprise :) I'm so glad you liked this chapter, and hopefully you'll like the rest.

As for the wording part, I don't really know what to say. I've re-read this chapter at least three times, and send it to my beta-reader who only fixed one phrase.
Since english is my third language, I doubt I'll be able to find any errors in this, let alone be able to make a podcast :)
I'll try though, later today, to see what can be improved.

Thank you so much for your review!
- Avi

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Review #14, by wolfgirl17Love At First Sight: Did It Hurt When You Fell From Heaven?

18th February 2015:
Oh my gosh I'm so glad you've started this new story. Seriously. I'm favoriting it. I love it. It's hilarious and I want more. Please tell me you're updating soon. You can't leave me hanging in suspense this way.

Loved it!


Author's Response: YAY! I'm so glad that you're excited about this story! :D I'm planning it whilst at work, so I'm trying to work on an update. :D I'm pretty excited about writing this one. :P

Thank you so much Ellie! Stay awesome! :D

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Review #15, by wolfgirl17Not in the 'Mood': Conspiracy

17th February 2015:
This was wonderful. I really enjoyed it. It wasn't what I was expecting when you mention a Mad-Eye Valentine fic, but it was definitely heart-wrenching just the same. Lovely story indeed.
*toasts you*


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Review #16, by wolfgirl172% Cotton, 98% Boyfriend Material: Puns

17th February 2015:
This was fantastic! I loved it! Positively brilliant. Seriously, no pun intended ;) this was just what I was hoping for. I couldn't stop grinning the whole time. Absolutely gold.


Author's Response: I'm so glad to hear that you loved the story! I'm so happy to hear that you thought it was funny (and I was hoping that it would bring a grin to reader's faces).

Thanks so much for reviewing!

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Review #17, by wolfgirl17The Worst: Settling

13th February 2015:
Hey Aditi!

It's nice to see a new update on this fic. I
was beginning to think you'd abandoned it and
you had me worried because it's far too
compelling to be left hanging like that.

I'm here with you're requested review, by the

Anyways, the flow of this chapter is good;
you've got a few separate scenes, but they
smooth together neatly, meaning it's not clunky
or jumpy, so kudos for that.

The pace is good too. After the build up to the
full moon, it's nice to finally have it arrive
and then have it over. I like the way you
captured the relief that Dom would be feeling
in that kind of instance to have it over and
done with the month.

As always, the quality is good, and I'm
intrigued by the cliffhanger at the end there.
Please update again soon so I don't have to sit
around gnawing my nails wondering what he wants
and whether or not he intends to seduce her
away from Teddy. I hope her and Teddy can work
things out eventually too.

Keep it up!


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Review #18, by wolfgirl17Upper Class: Chapter One

13th February 2015:

Wolfgirl here with your requested review. I feel absolutely terrible, because I realized whilst reading this chapter that I'd read your story before and had obviously just forgotten to review or something. Like a total slacker. I'm so sorry for forgetting and for being o rude, it's just awful of me. Especially when in the past I've been known to rant about the idea of folks reading and not leaving a review and how positively lazy it is. *hides*

In all honesty, I love this idea and actually have a fic of my own that I've been working on where Hermione isn't a muggle-born (though in mine she's secretly a Zabini) and so the idea is very appealing to me indeed. I especially love the way you had her so shocked and less than pleased by the knowledge. It really fits with Hermione's character I think, because she's very proud of being muggle-born.

It's a good first chapter that really throws the reader into the world you're creating and results in a very compelling and intriguing read. I especially liked that you went the route of having the Malfoy's be her parent's best friends and I know that with where you take this (I can't believe I forgot to review *hangs head in shame*) that the interactions you paint between Draco and Hermione are awkward but brilliant because they're very realistic.

A really great first chapter, and I promise that in future I'll remember to review when I read. Feel free to re-request with the additional chapter of this story. I think the first time I read it I got to about 3 or so, as that was all you had posted at the time, but then I wandered off and have been super slack about reading fics on the archives when I've got so many that I'm working on myself.

I always love a Dramione too, so don't hesitate to request for every chapter if I can be of service. =)

xx-Wolfgirl (Ellie)

Author's Response: Hi Ellie!

Haha, don't worry about it! It can happen. I used to do it all the time.

Really? Then I should go check it out someday, because I've gotten a few reviews that mentions the stories where Hermione is a sister to Zabini, instead of her becoming a witch "by herself" (not as a sister etc.)

I'm so glad you liked this chapter, and I'll go re-request as soon as I can ^_^ I'd love to hear your opinion of the rest of the story.

- Avi

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Review #19, by wolfgirl17The Family Job: The Opening Job

13th February 2015:
Hey Claire!

So I know I owe you that review on Through the
Black, but when I saw you had a new fic too I
just HAD to check it out and I'm so glad I did.
I love the concept of this story, and I loved
the way you had the cousins all bickering
amonsgt themselves and being on edge, but still
willing to help with this sort of plan.

It also brings new meaning to that topic you
started a while back (I think it was you) about
the idea of adoption and fostering in the
Wizarding world.

A very cool idea indeed and I can't wait to
read more. I should be over to Through the
Balck tonight or tomorrow at the latest too, so
keep an eye out for that review too.

As always, I love your writing and find myself
begging you for more. Love your work!


Author's Response: Hey, Ellie!

If you like the way the story is going, I'd definitely recommend having a look at the show because it is so incredibly amazing!!!

I'm so excited to write all the Wotters in this because most of them are a lot different than what I normally do. But no matter what, I've always seen them as an extremely close knit group.

Can't wait for you to read more once I get it posted!

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Review #20, by wolfgirl17Mistletoe Kisses: Mistletoe Kisses

13th February 2015:

Argh! This one-shot was so cute! Totally
adorable to see Scorp so flustered. I'd never
read a Scop/Hugo fic before but this one was so
fluffy and cute that I want more!

Lovely and wonderful!

xx-Ellie (wolfgirl)

Author's Response: Hey Ellie! :D I'm so glad that you liked this one shot :D I had so much fun writing it :D

I really want to write more about them, so I might be convinced to write a short story on them.

Aww you're lovely and wonderful, Ellie! :D

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Review #21, by wolfgirl17(500) Days of August: Many Things

13th February 2015:
Hey Joey,

I'm here for our review swap!

This was fantastic. Seriously, I don't know how
you did it, but I feel like you totally nailed
the concept of the 500 days of Summer idea and
the way you captured it here was really well
executed. I liked that you didn't have them get
that happily ever after, and that you had Fred
realise that life goes on and one break-up is
not the end of the world, no matter how much it
might feel like it at the time.

The way you managed to keep the days in order
was cool too. I'd have gotten so confused if
I'd tried to write this. I'd totally vote for
you as winner of the Non-Linear challenge.
Seriosuly, you're writing has been so great, I
feel like you're improving in leaps and bounds
with every fic I read.

I think the first fic I read of yours was
Morbid, about Teddy, and I must admit that
these recent one-shots do read with a high
level of quality than what I remember from
Morbid, though I was highly intrigued by Morbid
too. You're writing is just so compelling and
fascinating that I find myself always hoping
for more.

You also have a rare gift for portraying
relationships the brings them to life in a way
that others simply don't manage.

As always keep up the positively beguiling
work. I can't wait to see what you come up with


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Review #22, by wolfgirl17Pride and Scorpius: Well met on the Hogwarts Express

13th February 2015:
Hey Andy,

Wolfgirl here for our review swap.

Sorry it took me so long, I got really busy at
work and didn't have to time jump on and read
uninterrupted. I'm a Receptionist, so the phone
pretty much constantly rings and there's
nothing more annoying that getting into a story
and being interrupted by some idiot asking if
we have free parking. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, onto the story.

So I totally see what you meant about needing
to read your other story first, and so I'm a
little confused on the goblin bit. Is she
actually a goblin or is she half-goblin? When I
first read it I thought maybe Rose was just
being mean about the poor thing's appearance...

Anyways, I love the way you've framed the
future relationship between Rose and Scorpius
as being less than friendly with one another. I
did kind of think Scorpius was a little wimpy
in this, what with him actually crying, but I
suppose that being afraid of going to school
with all the Potter's and Weasley's it would be
pretty terrifying to meet Rose and Albus right
out of the gate.

I get the feeling you're going to go with the
idea of an enmity between Scorp and Rosie that
builds and cracks when they finally realize
that they're perfect for each other.

I'm very curious about the Goblin girl and how
she's going to fit with the story, and about
where they'll be sorted, since they obviously
are going to wind up rivals, I'm hoping
academically in addition to on the Quidditch

Thanks so much for doing this swap with me. I
need to get back in the habit of reading more
Scorose fics. I do hope you'll be back to check
out chapter 2 of Trying my Patience when it's
published. Great work, I enjoyed this.


Author's Response: Thank you for the review swap, I like doing them, but when it is such a delicious Rose/Scorpius as yours is shaping up to be, then it is a real pleasure.

Yes, the two girls who enter the carriage at the end are both goblins. I establish all the ground work for the premise in the other story, but the upshot (and all you really need to know) for this story is that about one goblin a year will get to go to Hogwarts.

Scorpius is a bit wimpy to begin with. This story will be very Rose centric, because of the POV, but in the background Scorpius will grow up a lot and overcome his initial trepidation and fearfulness. Everyone had been avoiding him so far and he hadn't minded that, but then to have the two people who would have the greatest reason to hate him (he thinks) enter his carriage...

The enmity is going to be mainly on Rose's side. She is going to be getting a few wake up calls before she realises her true feelings. Scorpius will come to the realisation much sooner than she does.

The 'goblin' factor will not play a significant part except for some cosmetic, surface stuff - she should really be thought of as just another girl who becomes Rose's best friend. There will be differences here and there, like when she goes home for the holidays, but it is mostly for a bit of extra spice for the story. There is a small factor in what it says about Rose, that her best friend is a goblin and not a human.

So thank you for the swap and we shall have to do it again once you publish your next chapter.


As of this response the total reads for the story are 577 and this chapter stands at the delicious number of 199

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Review #23, by wolfgirl17The Department of Spectral Affairs: Darkness

13th February 2015:

So I couldn't resist coming over and checking
this out and s far I love it! I love the way
you've written it in second person. It makes it
all the more personalized and I really enjoyed
this beginning to your new fic. I can't wait to
see where you take it. Pretty please update
again soon!


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Review #24, by wolfgirl17Atonement Is Coming: A Shadowy Threat

11th February 2015:

I'm finally here with your requested review! I must admit this was a very intriguing start to the story and I'm curious to see where it's going to go. I like that you had Hagrid be godfather to little James.

As for the flow, it is a little jumpy to be honest. I think it's because you've not used page breaks or any kind of symbol other than an extra space to break up the segments of the story, and without them my brain just runs on the next paragraph, so maybe to improve it throw in some page breaks. They can be done via the line button in the Advanced editing option of the chapter posting div.

You've also got a couple of instances where you've wrapped things up a little too nicely, like Harry and Ginny announcing the baby and then everyone leaving and going to bed peacefully. It kind of felt as though you threw the stuff about the pregnancy in to align the reader with the 'world' you're creating by introducing all the characters and all the factors, but you've done it in such a way that I feel like you were bored writing it and so it's sort of skimmed over somewhat. It does introduce things, but it does it in a rather obvious way. I think maybe, what with everything else going on in the chapter, you could've opted to leave some of that other stuff out. Leave the reader guessing at first what's become of Luna or Seamus or Dean. They're (as far as I can see) not that important to the story, and so they don't really need to be in there. It just felt a little clunky.

You misspelled 'fairy' when you typed the bit about the fairy lights and accidentally wrote fairly. There are a few other tiny spelling mistake that could use fixing to improve the quality of the writing.

Overall it's an interesting concept, and I'm intrigued to see where you take this.


Author's Response: Hi Ellie,

Thank you for taking the time to review my chapter. I really appreciate the feedback.

Your advice on page breaks was very helpful. Truth be told it felt a little bit jumpy to me as well, which is why I requested reviews. I just wasn't sure exactly how to remedy it without splitting it into separate chapters. Page breaks make sense.

As for the part about Harry and Ginny, that was the part I struggled with most. I re-wrote it about 3 separate times, playing with different methods of introducing the characters, but I was unhappy with it. I will definitely go back and try to edit it because I want it to feel natural. I really dislike neatly wrapped up stories and yet here I've fallen prey to it myself.

I'm glad you liked Hagrid as Godfather. To me, he seems like the natural choice after all of the years he spent helping and protecting Harry.

Thank you for pointing out the typo fairly which was absolutely supposed to be fairy. Sometimes I get excited and type a little too fast. I edited it, but somehow I must've overlooked it.

Again, thank you for your quick response. I will keep your critique in mind as I try to carefully edit it.


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Review #25, by wolfgirl17Head Girl Evans: Lily

11th February 2015:

I'm here for review tag, and I must say, I enjoyed this fic. I really liked the way you focused so much n Lily's personality. I've always been a huge fan of the idea of Lily being a no-nonsense young woman with her head screwed on right and her priorities straight. I especially liked that you made her vulnerable behind her strong front.

You've got a couple of incidents where you're computer and auto-correct Lily's name back to lower case thinking you meant the flower and not the name, but other than that this story is lovely.

Great work! Keep it up!

xx-Wolfgirl17 (Ellie)

Author's Response: Hey Ellie!

I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed the fic! I haven't read a lot of fics that focused on Lily, and I really love her so I thought it would be fun to focus on the kinds of things that she probably felt and had to endure through her years at Hogwarts.

Thank you for pointing out the autocorrect thing, I completely missed some of the lowercase Lily's and I haven't realised this sooner.

Thanks for the lovely review!

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