Reading Reviews From Member: wolfgirl17
168 Reviews Found

Review #1, by wolfgirl17Saving Severus Snape : 1st September 1976

24th January 2015:
Oh my gosh. So there I am, sitting at work (the only place i currently have internet access due to moving house) craving a Snamione story that I didn't write myself, when I immediately think of you and your wonderful story.

I loved this chapter. It was exciting and interesting and I just know I'm going to leave an inadequate review for how wonderful it is beause I've got to hit the next button and read more. I can't wait to see where you go with this and just ARGH!

More please. You simply must update ASAP because I'm going to run out of chapters and then I'm going to sit and pout and cry like a ninny (or alternatively, like a child whose been told there is no more ice-cream) so pretty please post another new chapter soon.

I loved it!


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Review #2, by wolfgirl17Nargles Under the Mistletoe: Nargles Under the Mistletoe

24th January 2015:
Oh my Gosh! I loved it!

Seriously, this story is wonderful. I love the way you went the route of such innocence. It's such a Neville/Luna - esque way to portray the suggestion I threw you. I especially loved the way you described the Castle as Christmas time, and the way you described the candles revolving like ballerinas. Very cool description!

That was such a great way to run with the idea and I really like the way you had Luna kiss Neville's cheek rather than his lips. It just makes the whole story sweeter.

Thank you so much for writing this for me! I love it. I wish there was some way we could portray these stories we are all writing for each other on our pages. I mean, other than by putting it in a favorites list. I wish we could ave something like a 'Gifts' page the way we do an author page where I could show off the wonderful stories people write for me the way you have!

xx-Wolfgirl (Ellie)

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you liked it. Generally, pure fluff isn't the easiest genre for me so that means a lot. (I like making people cry. Characters, readers, myself. Whoever.)

I wasn't planning for it to be a kiss on the cheek at first, but I don't think I could have written it any other way. As much as I love Neville/Luna, there's such an innocence in their relationship that almost makes it hard to write the relationship as anything more than a school crush.

That would be a cool idea. It'd be nice to have a little collection of them all in one place. I'm seriously loving the stories offered section! :)

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Review #3, by wolfgirl17Through the Black: Nothing Is Immune

14th January 2015:
Hey Claire!

Ellie here with your requested review. I'm sorry it took me a while, but I finally got here =)

This chapter was fantastic. I mean, I really loved it. I know you said it was a bit of a filler, but it didn't feel like a filler to me. It felt like an exciting progression of the plot. This may be because I was dancing around like a ninny over the make-out session between Jules and Sirius, but that's beside the point.

The point is that you're a fantastic writer and I love your story and where your going with it.

Also, I wanted to apologize for getting Jules's name wrong in your stories offered thread. I knew it was Julianne, but then I saw someone else had posted as Juliette and I started second guessing myself because in my head I think of her as Jules anyway. So, sorry for getting it wrong, I hope you are still up to writing those missing moments, even though I messed her name up. =)

Anyway, this chapter felt really realistic and it was exciting and wonderful and I just need more! It's brilliant. You're one of my favorite authors!

Don't forget to re-request, otherwise I get all gushy and mush-headed and leave nonsensical reviews instead of focusing on offering whatever help I can. Keep it up. I love it!


Author's Response: Hey, Ellie!

I'm glad you liked it so much! I had a really hard time figuring everything out for this chapter (which is why it's so short), but I'm happy it didn't come across as fillery.

Haha, don't worry about that, I didn't even notice until about the third time I read it. And I'm so excited to write those!! I already have some ideas in mind for them!

Oh my god, I don't think I can tell you how much it means that you love my writing so much!! Ahh, that just made my whole day!!

I'll be back again soon!

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Review #4, by wolfgirl17Roleplay: ONE

14th January 2015:
Hey Maryam,

Wolfgirl here with your requested review.

Let me start by saying that you've got a pretty cool concept going here. I love stories that involve pranks going wrong and awkwardness and all that jazz, so I'm really keen to read any subsequent chapters you pump out =)

Onto the more gritty part of the review, I think the story could really benefit from a thorough edit. You've actually got quite a few mistakes even in the very first sentence, where you spell Elliot as "Lelliot" (maybe the is intentional but I'm not sure). You've also got a slight grammatical issue going on in this sentence:

"pulling out his infamous 'puppy dog' face in action"

I could understand what you were trying to say, but I think the correct way to write this sentence would be:

"pulling out his infamous 'puppy dog' face and putting it into action"


"pulling out his infamous 'puppy dog' face to try and soften my stance on the matter"

Do you see the difference? It just improves the flow a little and makes it easier for the reader to understand what you're getting at.

Another example is:
" an imitating position."

I think here you meant:

" a rather intimate position."

They are just little things, but they really do contribute to the overall quality of the reading experience for your audience. Mistakes tend to jolt a reader out of the immersion into the imagination that you're providing and some will actually stop reading over mistakes like this because they don't like the interruption of the flow and the bump in their smooth ride out of reality.

Onto the characterization. I really like the characters you've painted here. Blake is interesting and relatable and her friends are just the kind of friend one needs, getting them into trouble and laughing at all the wrong moments. This is what friends are for.

Anyway, let me know if you'd like to review any more chapters as you publish them, and don't forget to do an edit of this one and fix up those little mistakes to really make this story phenomenal!


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Review #5, by wolfgirl17Betrayal: Chapter 3: An Old Face

14th January 2015:
Ooh! They meet up!

I'm here for your requested review, by the way.

Anyway, this chapter was interesting. I'm really enjoying the way you've been characterizing Meredith and this chapter gave us a little more insight into her as a person, so that was really interesting.

I still can't seem to work out if this is a Sirius/OC or a Remus/OC with Merdith. I mean, I know it says Sirius/OC as the ship, but so far there's no hint of them together, excluding Sirius's reaction from the first chapter. When you mentioned only two people knowing her address and one of them being her brother, I assumed the other was Sirius, but then Remus shows up so now I'm totally confused.

As for your AoC being that you wondered if the chapter was a little boring, I don't think you need to worry. This one doesn't have much in the way of plot progression, but it's not boring.

Usually by chapter 3 I can tell where the story is likely to go but for this one I honestly have no idea. I think that maybe this could be the reason you don't have many reviews. So far the reader doesn't get much in the way of emotional reactions because not all that much has happened to endear us to any of the characters and you've not had much happen in the way of the plot at all.

A way to fix this could be coming in the next few chapters, I'm not sure, but if not then might I suggest including some kind of action that indicates where the story might be going? It's not boring by any means, but it does seem to be lacking that something that really lures a reader in and hooks them into needing to know what becomes of the characters. Probably because you've not really given the reader much incentive as to why we should care about Meredith or Sirius so far.

I hope this was helpful =)

As I said, I really do like this story, but it could just use a little direction, maybe.

Anyway, feel free to request to have me review your following chapters. I'm going to be working on some of my gift-stories for people, so hopefully the wait won't be too long, but if it gets longer than a week PM me to get my butt into gear =)


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Review #6, by wolfgirl17Wrapped Up in Light: Wrapped Up in Light

13th January 2015:
Hey Kyle,

This is a really cool story. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for contributing it to the archives.



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Review #7, by wolfgirl17I Hope She's In Hufflepuff: I Hope She's In Hufflepuff

13th January 2015:

Happy Belated Hotseat Review Day!

This story was absolutely perfect. I really enjoyed it. I love the way you ended it and I loved the Hufflepuff theme throughout.

Great story!


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Review #8, by wolfgirl17Touch: Touch

13th January 2015:

Happy Belated Puff Hot Seat Review Day!

This story was amazing. I really liked the way you told it from Dean's perspective and the way you placed so much importance on the concept of being touched after so long spent on the run, alone and scared.

I think you captured the horror of such circumstances perfectly and that Dean's reactions were spot on to find himself finally safe again, even for just a little while.

Great story!


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Review #9, by wolfgirl17Love is for Fools: Not a Fool

13th January 2015:
Hey Dee.

My god you are good! I literally didn't even connect that this was for the alphabet challenge at all until I saw you A/N. My mind vaguely recognized that there were a few random bits like the Xenophelius bit but even then the story flowed so smoothly that I just sort of glossed over the slight randomness of the sentence and how it changed from the tone of the rest of the story.

It's really cool that you took a whack at this. I saw this challenge on the forums but I was too chicken to sign up as I doubt I could so effectively weave a story that makes sense the way yours does whilst still actually following the rules of the challenge.

A huge kudos to you. You've done this really well. I'd vote for you if we could vote on who should win challenges =)


Author's Response: Ellie! ♥


The alphabetised challenge was SO hard, but I'm really trying to work on changing up my writing style so it was something I really wanted to do. The Xenophilius line bugged me but X is such a pain in the backside letter to start a sentence with :p

You should definitely try it, your writing is brilliant so I've no doubt once you started it, you'd create something amazing :)

Thank you again, so much. This review made my day.


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Review #10, by wolfgirl17His Only Downfall: Smile Lily.

13th January 2015:

Happy Belated Hot Seat Review Day.

I spotted this story in your collection and I couldn't resist. It's such a powerful piece that speaks so truly about Snape and Lily. Theirs is such a sad relationship and such a toxic one at times and I think you really captured that.

I really enjoyed reading this story, even if it had left me feeling sad for Sev all over again.

Great work!


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Review #11, by wolfgirl17"Love you Teddy": "Love you too Lil"

13th January 2015:
Hey Emz!

Happy Belated Hot Seat Review Day!

This story is the cutest I have ever read! It's so adorable the way you have Teddy being so wonderful and looking out for Lily. I love it. It's just so sweet and innocent and marvelous and I'd love to see more of this story. Maybe a sequel. I may have to head over to your stories offered thread (you do have on right? If not you MUST get one so I can bug you for more lovely stories) where I can request a sequel.

Brilliant work Emz. Seriously smashing stuff. Loved it and I want more.


Author's Response: Hey Ellie!

Why thank you! I'm so behind on the hot seat *bows head in shame*, I'll make sure you're on my list to review 'first' (there are quite a few on this list...).

Oh! Thank you! That's so sweet! It was for challenge so I only really adapted the song and prompt to make the story!

I have a thread now! Request away, but to help me out, if you could express where you want it to go... that would be great!

Thank you again!

Emz xxx

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Review #12, by wolfgirl17The Deathly Children: A Funeral

13th January 2015:
Hey teh!

Happy Belated Hotseat Review Day!

I couldn't remember if I had already reviewed this story for you. I think I did on one of the later chapters, but I wanted to come back and just let you know how absolutely intoxicating your writing is. It's like a drug I've begun to crave with wicked intent.

You have such in-depth and moving descriptions and this way of painting the picture in my mind that you yourself are imagining as you write that I find myself constantly hoping for updates and for more of this brilliant story.

I can't get enough of it. I love the way you portray this younger version of Albs and the problems he faces with an unwell sister and a resentful brother. I love the way you can transport me into your imagination with you cleverly wielded words. I just love everything about you and this story!

Please keep up the utterly breathtaking work! I'd love to see a new update posted soon if you have the time =)


Author's Response: Hey Ellie! ♥

Wow, I don't even know what to say with this review! Sorry it took me so long to respond; RL has been slowly killing me and I just escaped from least for a few moments. Which I'm not using to respond to your lovely comments.

I'm pretty much blushing at all your compliments on my writing; honestly, I'm over the moon that my writing can affect you in such a way!

Glad you like young!Albus; He's a tricky one to write, but I do enjoy writing him nevertheless, and every time he appears, I feel like I learn a little more about his character, even as I'm writing him. :)

I have finished the whole story! I finished it last November, but unfortunately, there's quite a lot of editing to be done. I'm trying to reread the whole thing and edit the next chapter and hopefully I can post it up soon! Stupid RL, though. *shakes fist*

Thanks once again for your amazing review, Ellie! ♥


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Review #13, by wolfgirl17Sympathy, Tenderness: Offer Me Your Embrace

13th January 2015:

Happy Puff Hotseat Day!

Let me just say: "Wow!"

I popped over for review hot-seat, but when I spotted this gem amongst your collection, I couldn't resist a Dramione tale. I know you said this was your first Dramione, but you seriously did it so well that you were pulling at my feels and making me well up with all the raw emotion in this one-shot.

I loved the way you characterized Draco and Hermione in this, keeping to their personalities perfectly and yet bringing the together in such a way.

You've left me breathless with this one. Absolutely fantastic story!


Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for coming and for reading my story! Wow, really? Thank you so much! This is my first time writing a Dramione and let me tell you--it is HARD! Haha! They are such different characters, it's hard to imagine a world in which they could conceivably be together, so this was the closest I could bring them. Thank you so much for reading my story! Your encouragement means a lot to me :)

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Review #14, by wolfgirl17Crossing the Borderline: Aaliyah: The Reaction

11th January 2015:
Ooh it's just getting better and better.

Ic an't wait to read more. I definitely think that Seth thought having Ellie dropping those hints meant that Aaliyah was into him and to suddenly find out she's not is killing him. It's a very Hermione reaction to a Ron/Lav situation. He's totally jealous.

I can't wait to see what comes of his jealousy too. I'm intrigued by the other Ravenclaws, and by the way you had Albus drop the bomb on her friends like that.

Great chapter!


Author's Response: Hello again!

It gets better and better? I think you are spoiling me into thinking my writing is actually good. :P But thank you, I now have a huge smile on my face! :D

Seth is jealous, I'll give you that. And Ellie dropping hints made him realize that he may have a crush on Aaliyah. Poor Seth. Unrequited feelings can be a bummer.

And I love you that you mentioned Hermione's reaction to the Ron/Lavender situation.

Albus likes causing awkwardness, I think. He's kind of Slytherin-y like that. :P And he finds the whole situation more amusing than he lets on.

Your reviews really make my day! THANK YOU! *hands over chocolate*


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Review #15, by wolfgirl17Crossing the Borderline: Albus: The Decision

11th January 2015:
Hello again.

Me here with your second review =)

So I know you were worried that the switch in POVs would interrupt the flow, but I don't think it does. I actually prefer stories like this where the POV switches because it means the reader gets a glimpse of the thoughts and feelings each of the characters are dealing with.

I actually really liked this chapter too and a huge kudos to you for managing to have such differing personalities for Albus and Aaliyah. It's not an easy feat to write several characters in a first person narration and have them still have differing personalities because as an author your own personality bleeds into fist person narration much more than in third person.

I do like the way you have them both coming across as a little snarky, which I'm assuming is a hint of your own sassiness showing through and making them all the more likable and all the more exciting as characters.

This chapter could probably do with an edit, you've just got a couple of missing words in some of the sentences that could use touching up to make this chapter perfect =)

You've definitely hooked me now, and so I find myself needing to press that next button to keep reading. I can't wait to see where you're going to go with this and I'm even more intrigued to find out Aaliyah's secrets and what Fred did to her and why this Ronan girl is so nasty.

You are weaving a masterpiece here and I find myself needing to continue to enjoy it. =)

Seriously fantastic chapter and such a brilliant story!


Author's Response: Hello. Sorry for taking so long to reply!

When I was originally planning the story, the POV switch wasn't the way I wanted to do it but specific scenes in my mind were from specific points of views so it ended up being a switch every chapter. :) It's great to hear that the flow works even with it.

I think it is easier for me to write from the point of view of two characters in first person rather than third person. Third person for me gets a bit confusing haha. Their personalities come out different, don't they? I sometimes wonder how they get along when they don't relate much to each other. :P

Me? Sassy? Nooo... okay maybe just a little. The sassiness does come from me... I can't really help not putting it into my characters as well lol.

I'm actually planning to go back and edit the beginning chapters as you recommended since even one writing mistake pops out to the reader easily. :D

I don't think anyone has called Ronan nasty yet so that is a first! I think I'll add that to the list of words describing her. :P

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! And thank you for all the compliments, I'm undeserving but thank you so so much!


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Review #16, by wolfgirl17Magnetism: Magnetism

11th January 2015:
Now this was a nice story. I really enjoyed this one.

Harry and Ginny has always felt so right to me and so it's nice to read stories of how they are just following the end of the war as they try to readjust to life without fear and trepidation constantly.

Absolutely lovely story and a great contribution to the archives.


Author's Response: Hey lovely!

Thank you so so much for your reviews! I'm so glad you liked this one - it was so secretly fluffy hehe, I felt like such a fraud writing it compared to my usual angst-fests ha! I do love Harry/Ginny though - they're such a good couple, I think.

Laura xxx

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Review #17, by wolfgirl17He: He

11th January 2015:
Oh wow. This is a powerful piece Laura.

It's so deep and emotive and just. Wow. I'm in awe of you right now. It's so breathtaking that I actually don't know what to say. I'm speechless.

You have such a powerful way of expressing yourself through your writing. I hope you always have it.


Author's Response: You're too kind! Thank you!!

These reviews are the best ever! :D

Laura xxx

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Review #18, by wolfgirl17Life Drawing: Chapter Two

11th January 2015:
Me again with another prize for you =)

This chapter really helped further the plot. I now have a better understanding of what Teddy is doing and why he is so down. I can't imagine anything worse than having magic only to one day have it fail me.

He must be going through some really tough stuff dealing with that idea.

I like the way you're developing the interaction between Teddy and Megan and am very interested to see where you intend to take this story. It's really cool that you're experimenting with new and exciting ideas that test your skills and abilities.



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Review #19, by wolfgirl17Life Drawing: Chapter One

11th January 2015:
Hello hello,

Ellie here with your Christmas Challenge winnings =)

This was a really interesting take on Teddy. I've read him a few different ways but never as an artist with a smoking habit and depression.

I'm intrigued by Megan and I can't wait to see where you're taking this story.


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Review #20, by wolfgirl17Year Five: R

11th January 2015:
My dear Roisin you've done it again.

Wowed me with your ability of weaving such an exciting tale for me to enjoy. As always, I loved this chapter. I love your whole story. It's just so exciting and interesting and wonderful.

I must admit, I really didn't think I was going to enjoy it when you first requested, simply because the drug thing has never been me. I mean, I tried a puff of a cig at 14, coughed and choked on it and haven't touched anything stronger than booze since. As such I am very inexperienced with that scene and mildly disapproving of such addictive behaviors, and yet this story has opened my eyes to the possibilities surrounding such a scene and those who dwell in that life.

Not that I'm going to start up anything. I'm too chicken for that. But anyways, onto the review.

You've got a couple of typos in this chappie, just things like missing letters, but other than that it's pure genius. Your characters are growing by the chap and becoming more and more dear to me. I love that you had Tristan being Snape's fav. It made me giggle. I love the interaction between Tristan and Emily, and I loved your descriptions of her reactions to Harry being at Hogwarts.

I'm really enjoying this perspective on Hogwarts too. I've not really read anything like it before. Usually I gravitate to the Trio or next-gen or marauders so this is really opening my eyes to the possibilities.

I can't wait to read more from you, love.

Keep up the positively fantastic work =)


Author's Response: Ah! I'm VERY glad to here you made smarter choices than these characters! Having a personal affinity for drug use is not a pre-requisite for reading, indeed, I hope readers don't have one! I did want to present the issues rather without judgement, and not treat it like an afterschool special, but I think the 'drugs are bad' thing is pretty implicit throughout. Basically, I kind of trust my readers to be smarter than these characters :p

Thank you for mentioning typos! Will scurry to edit straight away!

And I'm so stoked you're enjoying the alt perspective! It was so so so fun to write--like, the nerdiest self indulgence EVER.

Thank you so much for this review, and so sorry for the late reply!


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Review #21, by wolfgirl17Victoire: The Guard

11th January 2015:
Wow Emma.

What a cliffhnager! What a chapter!

When you began with Cormac's perspective I was a little reluctant as I don't much like him, but seriously, just wow!

I love the way you've started this story. I love the way it reads as though JK were writing it. I love the idea of Teddy and Vic being friends and being so relieved over Greyback being dead. I love the way you've left so many niggling questions of what's to come and what Malfoy was talking about.

This chapter is brilliant. I know you said you were worried that this story might not get much attention, but if you don't continue it I may cry. I absolutely love where you seem to be going with it and your writing style is divine.

The characterization of Teddy and Vic is brilliant and I'm excited to see what's to come in regards to that cliffie.

I can't wait to see more of this story and when you add a new chapter you simply must request so that I can read it.

Keep up the fantastic work. I'm hungry for more.


Author's Response: This review - Wow. Thank you so much!

I've had somewhat mixed feedback about Cormac's presence, as lots of people seem not to like him very much, but I wanted to show Azkaban through the eyes of a canon character and he was one of the few I dislike enough to feel justified in sending off to work as a guard. I'm glad he didn't affect your overall enjoyment of the chapter!

And THANK YOU for comparing the writing to JK's. That's such an honour!

Honestly thank you so much for such a kind review. I'll definitely rerequest for number two! It should be up in the next few days.

Emma xx

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Review #22, by wolfgirl17Betrayal: Chapter 2: Meredith

11th January 2015:
Ooh! Bethanex I must say I'm intrigued even more now than I was yesterday. I'm very interested in Meredith and what it is exactly that she does. Very intrigued indeed.

This chapter is most certainly engaging. TBH I have no idea why your review count seems low. I actually really like this concept so far. I'm interested to know where it's going to go and intrigued by you OC, not to mention her sway over Sirius.

I'd love to see some interaction between them and maybe a flashback or two featuring who and what Meredith and Sirius are to each other. But I can assure you that your worries are all for naught. This story is exciting and interesting. Maybe you need to plug it a little harder on the forums. Another good way to get reads is to edit every now and then to bump the story in the queue so that more people see it. Most don't scroll past the first few page listings, so if it doesn't show up anywhere in any of their ships they are likely to skip it or forget about it. Not because it's bad, but because we are all busy people =)

Seriously though, I like the idea and I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work =)


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Review #23, by wolfgirl17Crossing the Borderline: Aaliyah: The Meeting

11th January 2015:
Oh my gosh Sama!

I don't know how you even found anything to include in your Areas of Concern. Seriously, this chapter has it all. It's everything a first chapter is supposed to be. It's got so many great plot foundations, so many hidden secrets and gems to lure me into reading more. So much characterization that I'm going to wind up professing my love to you before the story is through.

Seriously, as of right now this is on my list of favorites. I really, really enjoyed your story. I want to read more and more and more. I love the personality you've breathed into Aaliyah and Albus. I love the way you've painted such a villain in Ronan.

I'm itching to know what secrets they are trying to protect and why James and Gabby had to fake a relationship. You've hooked me. It's official that I am one hundred percent lost to this story. All other Next-Gens need not apply, nothing will top this and it's only the first chapter.

But seriously now, down to the nitty gritty stuff, you do have a couple of very small mistakes in spelling that could do with fixing, like I think there is an incident where you wrote 'difference' and meant 'differences' but I really had to dig for that one just to give you any kind of concrit on this review at all.

It's just so good. How have you managed it? Why can't all authors have writing of such a high quality as you?

You simply must continue requestng reviews from me because if you don't you're going to get them anyway, only with less structure.

The flow of the story is fast-paced but I like it. It works with where you seem to be taking this. The characterization is to die for. Seriously. I've not read anything with such an exciting intro to some new characters in a long time so a huge pile of kudos to you for that!

Please type as fast as you can to get more posted for me to devour! I love it. It's fantastic. I must have more!


Author's Response: I literally woke up this morning to your review and I read it on my ipod and I just kept smiling and I'm STILL smiling now. :D

I honestly don't think any response from me will match the sweetness of your review. I sometimes feel like I don't give enough information to my readers so I always rethink if I should tell them this or if I should reveal this earlier or later. And yay, you like Aaliyah, Albus and Ronan.

I'm so happy that you like this story so much that you are showering me with so many compliments that I don't deserve. And there are many other Next Gen stories that are amazing like Clash by shenanigans and justonemorefic's etc etc.

I'm not very good at revising and editing so thank you so much for pointing out that mistake. I'll have to add that on my list of things to fix when I go over and edit the beginning chapters again.

And I'll definitely try and re-request some more reviews from your lovely self.

The first chapter is a bit fast-paced but it slows down a bit, that's kind of why I put pace as an area of concern.

I'm planning to start writing the next chapter today so you won't have to wait too long I hope.

Thank you SO much for taking the time to stop by. It means a lot and thank you for taking the time to find a way I can make the story better!

And to answer you question of how I managed it is definitely because of the wonderful feedback and suggestions I get. :)


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Review #24, by wolfgirl17Her Choice : Meeting Your Worst Nightmare

10th January 2015:
Hey Lindsey,

Happy New Year!

Wolfgirl here with your requested review. I apologize that it's taken me a while to get to it. I got busy over the holidays with family.

Now, onto the review. I have to be completely honest with you here, as it's a resolution of mine for the New Year, and so I feel l should warn you that this review is going to be a lot of concrit.

First off, I should mention that I really do love the concept of this story. The idea of Voldemort sending in an unknown and unwilling spy to take down Harry is genius.

However, there are some things you really need to work on.

The first is the way you switch between past and present tense mid-sentence. It's driving me bananas.You really need to pick a tense and stick with it. You've got so many sentences that start out in past tense and then jump to present tense, and sometimes back to past tense again all in the sentence that it's doing my head in.

It really interrupts the flow of the story and makes it hard to read, simply because it's so convoluted. I recommend picking a tense and sticking to it. No beginning and with 'had' and then switching to 'have' midway through. The best way to avoid this is to read your work out loud so you can hear yourself making the mistake. Writing should be delivered in much the same way as talking. If you wouldn't word a sentence a particular way because it would sound funny, don't write it that way.

Does that make sense? You've had this issue from the start and it's beginning to grate on my nerves because you've not edited your work for them after I pointed them out in the beginning.

Secondly, you need to do something about your formatting. You jump all over the place with segments of the story with no indication of how it went from being morning to suddenly being afternoon. You did put in a page-break type symbol between her going to sleep and waking up the next day in this chapter, but there were a few other sections that just jump about. It interrupts the flow because in my head the words just run on to make up a scene, only you've not got a marker to indicate that you've switched to a new scene, so I end up having to go back and re-read sections because I realize a few sentences later that it's not all the same scene.

To fix this you need to use the Page-Break line in the formatting tool when you are publishing or editing a chapter to be submitted to the queue.

Thirdly, your characterization is a little off. Now I don't know many people who are brilliant at writing villains, especially fangirls like you and me, simply because we love them all so we like to overlook certain things about the characters. Canonically speaking, Voldemort, Bellatrix and Draco are all a little off in this chapter.

Mostly it shows through during the dialogue, simply because you have some of them saying things in ways that those characters simply wouldn't say them. My recommendation there is to really immerse yourself in that character. Re-read sections of the book where those characters are speaking and try to replicate them as best you can. You've capture their cruelty quiet well, but only through the descriptions of their nastiness, rather than through their dialogue, and because the dialogue doesn't match up with your descriptions of them it's making the characters seem a little 2D.

Lastly, the whole chapter could do with an edit. You've got a bunch of missing words in sentences, and several words spelled wrong. The most prominent one in my mind is the word 'ridiculous' which you spelled 'rediculous'. I know they are knit-picky things to be pulling you up on, but as this is the 3rd chapter I've reviewed, and as I have found the same things consistently wrong, it's wearing on my patience a little.

I really do love the concept for this story and I can't wait to see where you're going to take it, but you must fix those things I've mentioned because as long as they are all part of the story, the overall value of the work is diminished. Your goal should be to write in such a way that your reader secretly wonders if you are JK writing under a penname on her own fansite. =)

Please feel free to re-request future chapters for review once you have edited them all to fix the things I've mentioned.


Author's Response: Hi Wolfgirl,

Thanks for reviewing my story and I am sorry most of it is getting on your nerves, I will work on the editing. However, if you read my first story from early 2013 then you would see that I have improved a great deal. I never have understood the past and present tense thing, guess I need to study up on it a little better again since I am not in school any longer ha. I appreciate your critique and I do try my best even though sometimes I do get a little hurried with my writing since I have a lot of things going on in my non.HP world lol. I appreciate it.
Hopefully once I re-request the issues will be resolved.


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Review #25, by wolfgirl17Betrayal: Chapter 1: Dear Remus

10th January 2015:
Hey Bethanex!

Wolfgirl here with your requested review.

I really like this beginning. It's short and sweet and really draws the reader into wanting to know what's going on with Sirius and what he's done. I want to know who this Meridith is and why she has so much hold over Sirius. I want to know why she is likely to forgive everyone but Sirius.

Needless to say, you've certainly caught my attention. I'm really intrigued by the concept of this story and would certainly like to read more from you.

In regards to your areas of concern, about your character development, I must say it's hard to achieve much in the way of character development within a first chapter. You've certainly captured Sirius well with him being so emotionally unrestrained, and Remus as being the polar opposite.

I'm intrigued by Meridith and would certainly like to learn more about her.

Overall I think you've got a great story here and I hope you continue to request reviews from me. Sorry I'm not offering much else in the way of critique, it's so short that there isn't a lot to work with.

You might also want to do an edit as you have a few minor mistakes that interrupt the flow a little bit =)


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