1)Had no longer wished to be an Auor. Harry had said that... (Harry no longer wished to be an Auror; he said that ...)
2)He’d said he was done with Dark Wizards. (He said that he was done ...)
I won't flood your review page with too much of this. I would suggest that you get a beta to look into this though :)
Also notice that you usually start the dialogue portions with the dialogues itself. I would suggest that you vary it a bit.
"statement here" Harry said.
"statement here" Ginny agreed.
do something like:
"Statement here" Harry said.
Ginny nodded in agreement. "statement here"
varying the dialogue structure helps to make the story better.
Sad piece and being that this was written Pre-DH - I have to congratulate you for having guessed the last Horcrux correctly.Author's Response: Ah, for that first mistake, I had read through it after I submitted the story, and I saw that. I must've forgot to change it. Thanks for pointing it out! As for the second one, I'll change it.
The dialogue... I tend to repaet the same words in stories, or do things lik that the same was repeatedly. It's a bad habit. I'll try to change it up a bit.
Yeah. I never even wanted Harry to be a Horcrux, I just explored the possibility. Thanks for the review, it helps a lot.
Xx-Ginny-xX Report Review
Draco was OOC... He just doesn't feel like Draco. there's the lack of haugthy arrogance that so much imbedded in his characterization. Although some authors does this and get away simply because they showed how certain events changed him. You unfortunately failed to do that here. Draco simply popped out and he isn't Draco.
The story feels a bit too choppy you'd need to work on your transitions on this piece. You can try and set up the mood with some description for each section.
You also started off too many sentences with "She", try to vary it a bit. :) I would also suggest that you vary your dialogue structure. I mean instead of:
"bla bla bla" he said
"bla bla bla" she said
She rolled her eyes and shot back "bla bla bla"
"bla bla bla" he responded.
Move the dialogue position around and try to use alternative to the word said. It just slightly overused here.
You depicted Ginny well and showed her sorrow clearly. Like how her mind wandered and reminiscence on the past and wonder about the 'what-ifs'. A good and sweet ending.
Author's Response: Yes Draco was weird. and I'm working on the novel telling all about Draco's change and many more things. This story comes last. i hope it clears the confusion about him up. As for saying she too much and the dialogue structure I don't know what else to do. I'm not the best writer with perfect writing skills. I'm just making do with the skills that I have. Sorry if I sound snappy. I'm glad you liked the ending. thanks for the review. =] Report Review
Creative plotline and twists :) I love the emotions your showed between Molly and Arthur. Love how your story started dark and even tragic and how you slowly shift the mood to loneliness and ended it with hope. :)
The beginning/dream was a bit strange, Arthur seemed too detached in watching the events that transpired. I didn't feel as though it disturbed him. Although you described the scene well you can add description that uses different sense e.g. smell, touch, sound ... to make it seem more real ... or if your purpose is to make it surreal just state (as Arthur's thought) that it was strange that although he can see everything clearly, he can't feel the wind that blew upon his face/robes, he can't smell the blood, etc.
This was extremely well written. I love your attention to details. Author's Response: Thank you for the review! This fic originally wasn't going to have Arthur/Molly but that scene between them seemed like a fitting addition once I'd written it.
I'll look back over the dream and see if I can fix it up a bit. I haven't decided yet which of your suggestions I'll use but it was intended to be rather surreal so probably that.
Thank you so much for such lovely comments and for the helpful suggestions! I'm very pleased that you didn't find too much to critique, if I'm truthful. :P Oh, and I'm glad that you liked it! Report Review
Sirius is one of my Favorite characters, so I obviously enjoyed this.
Nitpicking on canon details:
1) I could be wrong but I believe Bellatrix and Sirius would not have been in Hogwarts together. Bellatrix would have graduated long before Sirius enters Hogwarts.
2) Sirius got the impression that his mother favoured him greatly and deemed him a perfect match for one of her daughters. (Aunt Druella not his mother. Regulus is Sirius' only sibling. Bella, et. al. are his cousins)
Hope you don't mind, there are some minor grammar errors but this [articular one just disturbed my flow: he demanded that his parents gave him a wand. (give him a wand) You could get a Beta to look into the rest of your story ... there are plenty of minor errors that makes your sentences sound a bit awkward, but I don't this I ought to flood your review pages with them.
Loved that scene with Remus' book. I feel sorry for Remus - *lol* he was reading that book before James and Sirius decided to torture it.
When Lucius enters the compartment and drags Sirius out. Its strange that the other boys (James, Remus and Peter) seemed to have suddenly disappeared from the scene. Maybe include a bit about their reactions to that.
Your depiction on the characters are great... I don't believe anyone was OOC. Lucius was especially well written, although his emotions were easy to read, he still showed perfect control of it.
I enjoyed reading this :)Author's Response: Hey, thanks for taking time to leave such a long review!
First of all, I want to defend myself on the Bella question - according to lexicon there is a quote (GoF) that states that she was in Hogwarts with Snape, that is to mean with the Marauders as well.
I fixed the second mistake. *blushes* Shame on me, but I always get confused with all the relatives.
Actually, I had this story beta-read before posting it, but I guess I'll just have to do it all over again :(
I'm glad you liked some parts of it and found Lucius's character well-written.
Thank you ever so much for leaving a helpful review! :)) Report Review
Regulus is one character that intrigues me. I like your take on him and the song is fitting. You showed his relationship with creature well - especially how he treats the elf thus showed why it adored him (quite a contrast on how Sirius treated Kreacher).
On Orion being Kreacher's ultimate master ... I would have though it to be Walburga. I mean Kreacher showed quite a devotion for his mistress in the books.
One thing that needs to be explained although we know Regulus died for that locket, it would have been nice to see an explaination why he didn't do as Voldemort did, and had Kreacher drink the poison. You delved into Regulus thoughts well and the details shone. I just thought this particular detail was missing.
Enjoyed this very much :)Author's Response: Regulus is love. I never really bothered to dig deep into him, but more and more lately, I've been doing just that. Going deeper into characters and picking up on strengths and weaknesses. And yeah, Kreacher is one of my favourites too, little tea-ragged thing.
I would imagine that Orion being the head of the family, having more control over Kreacher - possibly ordering him around more than Walburga had - considering Walburga must've treated him well enough for Kreacher to have so much devotion towards her and rather would have cared less for his higher Master. I suppose just outwardly, it would seem as though Orion was in charge of the whole show.
I think I can answer this. Regulus wanted to suffer for what he had done - Kreacher didn't deserve to suffer again, and Regulus felt horrid when he figured out exactly what Kreacher had been pushed to do in the first place. I would have wanted to suffer for my sins as well, if I were Regulus. I would have felt as though I would have deserved to hear that stuff coming from my family.
Oh thank you thank you thank you, so much nutty imp! Your review made me smile! Report Review
A minor correction: Its Lily not Lilly.
I would suggest taking that : END OF PROLOGUE part for it disturbs the flow and just make this whole thing a first chapter. Prologues usually have a different feel compared to the rest of the story chapters... (either different timeframe, POV, etc) and your story can usually stand even without the prologue. This start of this feels more like a chapter than a prologue anyway so combining them wouldn't hurt. :)
Some of the paragraph were a bit too long. I would suggest dividing it. Shorter paragraph makes for easier reads. :) My personal gauge is when it's more than 10-12 lines long. Then it's too long.
You've got a nice engaging dialogue going, this story could have gotten more depth if you delve a bit more on your characters' thoughts. Another thing is descriptions. :) Harry was suddenly brought to Australia... what were his vague thoughts? was it hot? then describe the prickly heat he felt or the strange new sounds. Kids usually notice this little things when brought to a sudden new surroundings.
Also, what about James made Harry trust him immediately? Remember James is a stranger and Harry is hardly a social child ... he was mistreated, so wouldn't he be slightly wary and silent? He wouldn't shout that magic does not exist, maybe be more hesitant in sharing his opinion. :)
Good start, definitely different a plot line. I make one wonder what will happen next and how much things will change. I like your depiction of Harry as an innocent child. His future self albeit friendly, does carry a mysterious air that makes you wonder about his full story. :)Author's Response: You are the second person to suggest doing something different with the prolouge. I'm definately going to do something then.
Trouble with the paragraphs, is that they are supposed to be complete thoughts. Back in school I once wrote a one-and-a-half page paragraph. I do try to split them but I'm not going to if it isn't a good place.
The story is mostly going to be in James' POV, I will be showing Harrry's thoughts sometimes but not terribly often. When Harry first woke up he was in a climate controlled bed so all he would have felt was very comfy. I said that. Descriptions are my weak point.
The reason Harry is so trusting of James is that he is convinced he is dreaming. By the time he realizes that it's all real he has already learned to trust his uncle. As far as the shouting thing goes, he was reacting how he thought his aunt and uncle wanted him to.
Thank you for the great review. You made me think and while I do not plan on going back and changing some of the things you listed, I will remember what you said in my future writings.
I have eleven chapters of this fic finished and ten posted on ff.net. I have started the sequel and plan to continue this idea through GOF at least. Report Review
That was amazing! the way her thoughts fly off gives me the sense of her madness. You showed this vividly though this writing style.
A suggestion on the second section; the part where you mixed Alice's thoughts to the actual events in the room. Maybe you ought to make a slight revision by not referring Alice as Alice. What I mean is incluce of saying: Alice looks back try 'Blue eyes stared back,' - gives a better imagery and better flow. It is obvious that the thoughts were Alice's so giving small details and description would help to better see the scene.
The last paragraph seemed too long and it would make it easier to read if it was segragated a bit. :)
Love the ending -- just gives the whole story closure like a full circle - very artistic in a way... that shows that she goes on and on in this surreal whirlwind of thoughts and memories. There but not really there. :) Author's Response: Thanks for the suggestion on the second section; that makes sense. As for the last paragraph, I think I already mentioned this in a review, but that really wouldn't make sense to separate it. I'm showing how frantic and mixed together the thoughts are becoming and contrasting it with how, in the beginning, her thoughts are somewhat cleanly in groups according to age. Thanks so much for the review and I really appreciate all of your comments and critique! Report Review
You started off well with a bit of action/emotions, but I feel that the characters where OOC. I would suggest that you seek help from a nit-picky beta. I've gotten plenty of help from them and made me improve as a writer.Author's Response: i have got a beta going over it.
thanks for the review Report Review
That's so sad. I liked this better than the first part mainly because you have more details here and explored Ginny's thoughts :)Author's Response: Thanks. Personally I preferred this one too, I just liked the idea more, I thought of it while I was writing the forst one. Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Sweet and sad...Author's Response: yeah, that's what I was going for, I was so happy to find out that it works! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
So everything comes in a full circle ... the gift of her thoughts. It fits. :) Great idea for a plot line and I like your characterization of Draco. Author's Response: Thank you so much... Draco is very hard to correctly portray in this kind of fic... as its not quite as angsty as my usual ones - but there will be lots of tension later on... I can't resist! Report Review
Just a question, did you intend for the whole chapter to be bold-faced and centered. Because it's glaring and difficult to read it that way. Maybe you just wished to separate the letter portion to the flashback. I had to track back to discern the different portions.
Powerful beginning. And I like how she ended the letter. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for pointing that out! I hate when things are incorrectly coded, it just makes it so hard to read - especially with this chapter when it jumps around so much. Anyway I have rectified it, and thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
You have more descriptions on this chapter which is good. When Krum pronounces her name as Herm-own-ninny or Hermy-own-ninny I alwayd did found it funny. Well at least you showed that he made an effort :)Author's Response: Thanks, I've been trying to get more description. I'm usually pretty good at it...
I found his pronounciation funny too! I might change it to that... I seriously just put it the way I did because I completely forgot how his accent sounded! Report Review
Good characterizations of Hermione and Ron. :)Author's Response: :D tee hee some people thought my Hermione was too mean Report Review
Interesting plot line. I always did find Krum interesting :)Author's Response: Thanks! I always found Krum interesting too. Report Review
Standing on a bit of a hill in the center of our great circle (at the center)
Although Draco does think highly of himself. He probably admires his own brilliance as well *L* but I never had the impression that he's narcissistic - that certain line where he said 'I really am gorgeous' seemed OOC.
A bit of description like how Voldie looks, the way his eyes seemed to pierce through Draco would help to give a more eerie and scary countenance. Describe how Draco's hand shook as well as his voice whilst he attempted to kill the woman would or maybe how he just closed his eyes as to pointed his wand towards the woman - just a bit of actions to show that his heart wasn't in it.
*lol* Great minds really do think alike ^_^ (as with your Krum story I also have a one-shot that matched this plot-line a bit) *lol* Author's Response: Fear really isn't my thing. Nothing really frightens me except for my own actions sometimes. I'll definately take your suggestions into account in the future and if I decide to edit this, which I probably will eventually.
Haha! Hopefully I can steer away from your one-shots every now and then! Report Review
Correction: He was fired killing curses left and right, but didn’t see Harry (He was firing killing curses left and right, but didn't see Harry) - Although I would suggest a bit more showing versus telling here. Describe how the Bulky Death Eater stumbled and how fatigue lined his face, make him twirl to the left and right screaming 'Avada Kedavras' It'll make the scene longer but will give more action and suspense.
You also need rearrange this to make it more suspenseful: “Sectumsempra!” A voice shouted behind them. The werewolf, who had killed Hermione and was about to go to Ron, doubled up and started to bleed profusely all over its body. (The werewolf, who . about to go after Ron. Sectumsempra! a voice shouted behind Harry; the wolf doubled over ...)
You described the scenes well at from the very start. However I believe this could be better if you try to use other senses aside from what you see. I mean describe something about the heat, the smell of ozone mixed with blood, etc. Basically explore how you can use 3 or more senses and adapt it into the scene. I'll give it a more 3-D feel/effect.
I different alternate ending and although I don't believe that Harry would give up too easily ... The sudden shock/trauma - it may have been possible.
This was a good piece, not many are brave enough to venture into the action genre and you got the pace of the story right. This is a piece but can be a lot better if you add more descriptions, for action/suspense works extremely well if your reader can imagine the scene more. :)Author's Response: thanks so much for your review. I thoguht it was lacking in that area, and you made sure to point out where, and its greatly appreciated. Thanks again, if I edit it I will make sure to keep you in mind :) Report Review
“You’re the reason I haven’t just decided to call up into a ball and hibernate ... (roll up into a ball)
Ron just seemed OOC ... too calm, too mature - not even slightly goofy. But foregoing that I like the atmosphere you set -- melancholic and Hermione's deep sorrow and loss was clearly shown.
Him asking her to dance with him was a sweet ending, but does seem odd to ask someone to dance in such an occasion as a funeral.
All in all this is a sweet piece their sorrow was clearly shown as was Ron's deep feeling for Hermione. Good job. Keep on writing. Report Review
1) She could hear the noisiness from downstairs, where the guests were being ushered to their seats and where Lucius ... (noise from downstairs)
2) She felt both admiration and infuriated (use infuriation or anger instead?)
3) According to their marriage arrangement contract, (I would suggest: According to the arrangement of their marriage contract)
4) This delighted her like-omit in a way she couldn't describe (This delighted her in a way she couldn't describe)
5) but it just was the fact of her being away from home for so long. (but is was just...) Though, omit comma she knew she was going to have to get used to it, (Though she knew she was going to have to get used to it,)
6) Although, omit comma she knew that just witnessing was not enough. (Although she knew that just witnessing was not enough.)
7) Though, omit comma it seemed that after every single time she received one of these rare nods, (Though it seemed that after every single time she received one of these rare nods,)
8) Narcissa groaned, "What was that, young lady?" The lowercase t old woman snapped. (Narcissa groaned, "What was that, young lady?" the old woman snapped.)
9) "Cissy, it's time. Come along now." Came lowercase c her sister, Bellatrix's voice. ("Cissy, it's time. Come along now," came her sister, Bellatrix's voice
You ought to pay attention to your beta's notes. It's scattered in the fic. I took the liberty to individually point it out to make it easier for you to find them. Do correct them for it disturbs the flow of your story whilst we read.
I like your well-rounded and different look into Narcissa. You showed the cold and appearance driven world of the wizard's pure-blooded class well. This was clearly depicted from the beginning till the end of your story. I really enjoyed this one rare look into Narcissa. And its believable that she may not have loved Lucius early on but she grew to tolerate him / befriend him... and you did not exactly close the book on the fact that she may even grow to love him. Report Review
Slight correction: He and Sirius used it often during the summer at his house (He and Sirius had often done so during the summers at his house)
I like your invention, the diligo nemesus, maybe it ought to be capitalised.
Poor innocent Snivellus *L*. I would expect that James will be in trouble. *L* Good ending
It was a fun and light piece - great characterization of the Marauders and convincing OCs. I'm glad you didn't make Peter to be a shifty character - afterall he was a good friend to them during those years. And you also avoided that age-old cliche of matching your OCs with Sirius/Remus. That was refreshing. :) Once again this was an enjoyable piece. :) amusing till the end.
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out to me!
I'm glad that you liked the characterizations of everybody. And yeah, I dislike those stories full of the Remus/OC or Sirius/OC cliches. Thank you for reviewing every chapter, they have been very helpful! Report Review
*L* the boys' spying technique was funny. Are they even really doing homework? *lol*
It would help if you delved a bit on your character's thoughts ... maybe it's be clearer to tell Remus' purpose for giving the flowers to James and stating that they're from Lily.
It was pretty short and maybe it ought to be somewhat longer - more events. Author's Response: Hrm, well I guess I have to say that they are doing homework their way.
Yes, I know that this chapter is really short. I plan on making it longer, and your suggestions have really helped. Report Review
correction: When she saw that James was looking at him, she smiled at him. (looking at 'her)'
Cute how Lily is warming up with James. Sweet but not so sudden, because there were plenty of hint in the previous chapters. Although I have to ask, Why can't they use magic to clean up the mess? Why the mop and water?
I forgot to say. You captured Dumbledore's oddity well in the previous chapter. Author's Response: Thanks for catching that!
I'm glad that you think Lily is not out of character. Well, Filch is there cleaning up with them, and he isn't exactly a fan of magic so I decided to have them clean up manually. I will probably have a line in there somewhere explaining that though. Report Review
A little bit of detail as to why Moxley puts up with Snape would be nice... is it because Snape helps him in homework? It is because he's muggle-born thus the rest of the Slytherins doesn't want to be with him? It just a bit bewildering as to why anyone puts up with that sort of treatment.
Remus is a prefect, so... shouldn't he also be there?
*L* Peter choking on a rice cake and the food fight. Remus is obviously the smart one in that group *L*Author's Response: Thank you for telling me that it seemed confusing why Moxley puts up with Snape. I will give an explanation for that in my later edit.
Hmm. I would say that he has got a bit of a cold or the full moon was recent and he couldn't clean up in the Great Hall.
Haha yeah, those scenes were really fun to write! Report Review
Correction: He only went several times during his time at Hogwarts, and that was because Peter was looking for cheese or eating it and James was at Quidditch (... and that was because he didn't want to accompany Peter's cheese hunting and eating expeditions, and James .) - chearer that way. Anyway I believe that Sirius also plays Quidditch so he's be with James during QUidditch practice. I would suggest that you change it to either James having detention or James was in the hospital wing.
It was surprising that James didn't partner up with Sirius since those two are as inseparable as the Weasley Twins. I would suggest that you add a reason as to why James chose not to be with Sirius. Show how Sirius tried to partner with James, but Remus reminded Sirius about the last time they both messed up and thus needed to do well this time around. Have Remus take Sirius; since James can't risk partnering with Peter (and mess up again), and so - Lily.
From what I've seen from Slughorn, he's obviously more indulgent and gives plenty of special treatment to his favs. So this seemed a tad OOC to me. Maybe you can fix this by showing how he knew Lily to be involved but was willing to have James be punished solely - and have Lily admit her part - Slughorn would then be willing to let her go due to honesty, however make Lily be the one to insist that she be punished equally.
*L* You showed the silliness of those boys well *L* Muffin King... *shakes head*. You obviously don't like Snape *lol* I can related *L*
Author's Response: Thanks for your help! I'm not sure if Sirius does play Quidditch, but he seems like the kind of guy who does. So yes, I think that I will probably change it to James either having detention or spending time in the hospital wing.
I see your point about Slughorn's personality and James and Sirius partnering up. I'll definitely take your Remus advice and change some things around at the end.
You've given me a lot of help, and I'd just like to say thank you! =) Report Review
Correction: “I’m serious, I will beat the crap out of that little bitch if I find him.” (bastard. Bitch is its feminine form)
Snape was pretty anti-social and mean. I guess DH does put this story of yours in a different light but given that this was written before that and all - as well as to avoid spoilers - I'll shut about that topic :)
I have to ask, what's with the flowers? Maybe it would have more significance if you give us a glimpse of Lily's or Remus' thoughts on it.
I know I'm being repetitive, but I used to get the same advice over and over unitl it finally came naturally. Showing versus telling... The best way to do this is avoid narratives e.g.:
Kim was a tall, Chinese girl with long dark brown hair. She was one of the best students in Defense Against the Dark Arts, sometimes even better than Lily - Instead add a few dialogue/scenes stating how she helped Lily on her feet and that Lily had to cock her head upward to meet the other girl's eyes - (thus show that she's taller than Lily). Have Lily tell her that for that tackle Kim ought to help her out in DADA - (thus show that she's a better DADA student than Lily). State that her almond shape eyes twinkled mishievously as she agreed - (thus show that she's Asian.)
Basically do the same for Sammie :)
Good cliff-hanger of an ending :0 I love cliff-hanger endings ... more dramatic that way :)Author's Response: Thanks for your advice and corrections! =) Report Review
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