Reading Reviews From Member: marauderfan
1,224 Reviews Found

Review #26, by marauderfanThe unusual tale of Shirley the Squib and Brian the Boggart: The unusual tale of Shirley the Squib and Brian the Boggart

11th November 2015:
Review swap! I was torn between continuing your Lily story or reading this one, but I've had my eye on this one for a while (because of the quirky title!) and decided now is the time :p

one line in and I'm already really curious because I've always wondered what a Boggart looks like when no one is looking at it! there was one scene in OotP when Moody can tell by looking through the floor with his magical eye and knows there's a boggart but HOW DOES HE KNOW!? /tangent but I'm excited.

And let me tell you, she was the most beautiful and terrifying unshaped creature I've ever met. Never knew nothingness could have such a glamorous shade of black. -- Ahahaha! XD I love this so much! Best line of the story.

Omg, the image of young Shirley helping Scandy the house-elf make biscuits and Scandy allowing her to eat the dough because he loves her company but then sticking his ears in the oven to punish himself... gah! this is simultaneously so sweet and so heartrending omg what are you doing to my feelinsg

Aw, I love how you pointed out it's a Boggart's reflex to assume the shape of the scariest thing, and that's what Brian does - but he doesn't really want to scare her. Their ensuing friendship once he goes back to his original form (a black nothingness... with a hand.. haha however that worked) was really sweet. Sidenote though, I can't imagine how scary it would be to be a 7 year old who's just been kicked out for being a Squib! That makes me so sad.

I also kind of wonder what happened to the house-elf, and now I have this headcanon that Shirley hid nearby and was regularly visited by the house-elf, who still cooked biscuits with her (because how would Shirley take care of herself at seven?) and so Shirley and Scandy remained good friends. I also vote for the second option in which Shirley and Brian joined the circus as trapeze artists because that sounds awesome haha.

I just loved this story Chiara - you know I really like stories that are kind of unconventional and this certainly fit the bill. Wonderful writing and I can certainly tell why it won a challenge too! :) I'm so happy I read this! ♥

Author's Response: Oh, Kristin!
Thank you so much!
It's always so lovely to receive your visits!!! :)

Ahahah! Our minds really work alike, because that scene in OotP is exactly what I was thinking about when I wrote this! :D

A lot of people loved that particular line, and I'm so glad because it was quite difficult to word it in a way that satisfied me...

Poor Scandy...sometimes I'm so cruel to my characters...

I imagined that it was more of an instinct and a defensive mechanism. Of course there is also a will component, but in Brian's case he was just caught by surprise and did what came natural to him. Ahahah! I have no idea how it works, actually...

I must confess that I was a bit doubtful about them just running away when they were both just children and living on their own... I like your idea of Scandy visiting her, it's really sweet! :) And yes, the circus sounds awesome indeed! :D

Thank you so much, honey! I'm so glad you enjoyed this story! And you can tell that I love unconventional stories too! :P

Thanks for the amazing review and for swapping!!!
Love you so, so, so much!

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Review #27, by marauderfanHarry Potter and the Broomstick Makers: Eye Healer in a Muggle Town

11th November 2015:
Kenny! I'm glad to be reading this again! I must admit it has been quite a while since I last read this so it took a bit of re-reading to remember what was happening but I think I am caught up now :p

I thought it was interesting how they visited an eye healer who also treats Muggles. It's cool how the wizarding world and Muggle world are a bit less separate after the war. That healer was a bit weird though, doing Legilimency on Harry the instant he walked into the clinic! :S

I must say I loved that you showed this scene with Harry reuniting with the Dursleys, and that Dudley seems to want to be friends with Harry now. Ahh! That's really sweet and I'm so glad you included it. Even Aunt Petunia seemed much nicer, and Vernon despite not really caring about all that happened with Voldemort, is at least civil to him. Big steps forward from HArry's miserable childhood.

The pacing is good in this chapter, but I think the flow was interrupted by some odd phrasing regarding dialogue (which is fortunately a very easy fix!) There were a number of places where the dialogues were separated by the speaker/action/dialogue tags by being in different paragraphs - I'll point out a couple of those spots here: Hermione said in her trembling voice, “Dr. Higgins, what did you do to him?” -- in the chapter this is two paragraphs, but I think it could be combined as such.

Same with this one (which is three paragraphs in the text but I have combined here) : Higgins threw his glance at them and muttered,“Not yet,” and wrote down the words, “eighteen, single” on the parchment on which the two magical photos pasted.

One thing that struck me as sort of odd was that Petunia's first reaction to seeing Harry was that it was James. I found this odd because I can't imagine Petunia met James that many times given her hatred of the wizarding world, and she raised Harry from age one to 17, so she knows him much better. Maybe that's a paragraph to revisit?

Otherwise, I am really enjoying this so far and you have a very interesting plot - there aren't proportionally that many stories following Harry's auror adventures after Hogwarts, and it's always really cool to read about Harry's adventures following the whole ordeal with Voldemort. You're doing a great job with this story! :)

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Review #28, by marauderfanRuins: Ruins

11th November 2015:
Hi Gabbie, I'm here with your requested review! (FYI - I do really like it when people respond to my reviews before requesting again just so I know what CC is the most helpful to you, or if I should focus on different things. So I guess I'm just going off what I did last time, but I don't know how useful it was)

I love the depth you've given your characters here, and your portrayal of how different life is for purebloods after the war - especially those who are sort of disgraced from being on the wrong side during the war. Although Draco was kind of a jerk during the whole book series, I do feel badly for him because after all his family had been involved in, he has a lot to do to rebuild his own life and his reputation which is pretty ruined.

I love the story you gave Pansy, as well! She is very one dimensional in the books and it was really nice to read about how she outgrew her teenage pettiness and grew up to follow her heart and get the job she wanted even if it meant associating with people she previously thought inferior - she's grown up so much :)

Oh, and you also asked about the end. The ending is my favourite part because it's so open ended, and it leaves it kind of up to the reader - maybe Draco and Pansy got back together later, maybe they didn't, but either way Pansy is in the picture in whatever form, and it ends on a really hopeful note where they're both friends again and can help each other. I just love that.

Reporting from the Grammar Police:
A body was lying down the hall as if they had taken a hard dive from some jagged cliff another cry was snatched from her throat as she ran forward, her chest pounding with panic. -- this should probably be two sentences (a full stop after 'jagged cliff' and then capitalise Another)

Draco grunted something foul and sank his fingers into her arm, “it's all right. I've got you—” -- this sentence sounds as if Draco is saying that, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be Pansy.

Her father had been a drinker but even he had had some manner of decency in his worst moments but Draco appeared like some kind of strange beast -- this is something I think I mentioned in a previous review for you - the overuse of 'but's is sort of like when you notice a friend says 'um' or 'like' all the time and you can't help but notice every time. Maybe read through a few paragraphs of the story and keep a lookout for that word, and potentially re-word a few sentences to have some variability?

All in all this was really wonderfully done and i loved the emotion you put into it and the way you set the tone for the whole piece. This was a really lovely one-shot Gabbie, well done! I loved it!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for stopping by so quickly and I'm sorry that I haven't responded to your other review, I'll get to that tonight. I've just been ridiculously busy lately because I'm getting ready to move so I haven't been able to keep up with anything. It's so annoying!

I was really nervous about this one-shot because it was really out of my element. I've never written Pansy before and I certainly didn't have an idea for her character. I've mentioned her a few times in my other stories but I had never written her in detail much, especially not from her own POV.

I actually have a lot of detail about what happened to the pureblood kids after the War because my stories are all interlinked. I have to be careful about what information I put out there sometimes but I did want to show how the War didn't necessarily mean victory for everyone. Of course, you don't really expect the purebloods to be happy about it if they sided with Voldemort but you do get an idea of the consequences.

I feel only the slightest bit of sympathy for Draco. I guess I'm still in another stories mindset but his life is certainly not going the way he planned either. He doesn't have it the worst, out of their old friends but you can see how damaging everything has been for him after everything was over. Plus, he has his own guilt holding him down too so I don't think he's going to be completely healed. I leave that up to you guys though.

Oh, I looked through this the other night and noticed all of the CCs. I wrote this in about three or four hours but it was super late so I didn't catch all of the mistakes, particularly these ones when I went through it. I guess I'll just have to pay closer attention next time and stop writing at four in the morning like a crazy person.

I actually have Pansy and Draco becoming a couple later on but you would have to read "Grey" for that. Draco doesn't go into much detail about it but you get more information on what their relationship was like after this.

Thanks for the review!

Much love,


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Review #29, by marauderfanThe Misfortunes of Misunderstandings: Primus

10th November 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)

I really like the premise of this and how a letter detailing Christine's feelings got sent to the wrong person and awkwardness ensues. Muahaha *rubs hands together and grins evilly* I do really enjoy awkward character interactions. So. I love the general plot idea and I can't wait to see what shenanigans unfold because of it.

And the scene that Christine and Sirius spend in detention together is really amusing! I love that Sirius charmed the clock so they could leave faster - absolutely something I would expect of him, so well done on that bit of characterisation. :D

Other characters though - I admit maybe this is a bit premature of a comment because I've only just read this one chapter and don't know how the character portrayals continue to develop, but as of this chapter, be wary of turning James H into a stereotype. Right now he kind of just seems like the archetypal Sassy Gay Friend, because all we know about him is that he is gay and sassy, and feels kind of one-dimensional. I'd love to see you do more with developing his character. i.e. hobbies, other personality traits, etc. But as I said - I'm aware this is only the first chapter and so obviously I don't know the characters that well yet. Just something to think about as you go forward. :)

other small things: " how do you two know each other?" -- this sentence should begin with a capital letter.

Did he just referred to himself as more fabulous than my James? WHAT NONSENSE IS HE SPOUTING? -- here, a couple of things - first of all it should say 'refer' not 'referred', and second, this isn't really so much as a grammar thing as a personal preference thing, so you can take or leave this - the caps in the second sentence are kind of jarring to the flow; I think that sentence would be just fine without capslock.

Lastly when James is leaving the library and teasing Christine about overhearing her... 'ta' is slang for 'thank you' so I'm not sure it really makes sense to have that word there? unless he's thanking them for saying those things about him haha, but that's not the impression I got.

So overall - I think this is a good first chapter! I hope my CC is helpful and that it isn't too much - I do really love the premise and I think you have a lot of potential in this story. Great work!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Yes, you're right. James does seem a bit stereotypical, so I need to change that and work on developing him a bit more.

Thanks for catching the mistakes! Those were really silly and careless on my part.

I had to be careful in writing the Marauders like they are, so I had to think, what mischief would Sirius Black try to pull off? Haha

I was a bit worried about writing in first person pov, but I hope it's fine.

I'm glad you like the plot and once again, thanks! It's my first story and I really appreciate/need the feedback. :D

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Review #30, by marauderfanHamartia: three.

8th November 2015:
ELISABETH. Truth time: My plan was to work on grad school apps and real life adulty things that I have to do, and not get sucked into fic writing/reading today, but I'm a terrible procrastinator and instead visited your AP because I can always find good things there. How am I just discovering this story now? IT'S SO GOOD

gah, where to start! I just love everything about this! But I think, as with most things I read by you, the characters are really what stand out and shine, and the reason I want to read more of this (new chapter soon pls?) Amelia is such a well crafted character and I love seeing the world through her eyes - she has such strong opinions and feelings and since it's from her POV I can't help but be on her side, and I imagine it's going to make me really confused when - based on the summary - I know she's on the wrong side but I'm still on her side... I'm going to have lots of feelings about that and I'm ready. :P

I also really like how Athena is portrayed as this perfect, godlike person - and even her imperfections are godlike as well, as the residents of Olympus were flawed (or whatever she said) - it's just so good. It's just really interesting how she deals with the fact that Athena is flawed - not avoiding the flaws but seeing what she wants to see. It's really interesting.

Also, the Slytherins. I love stories told from a Slytherin POV, especially during the second war time period. Reading the books we only get a limited and very biased view of what Slytherin House is (according to Harry, they're all ugly jerks, but... for real? obviously I don't need to say how silly that is). So I reeeally love this look into the Slytherin mindset and their perspectives on the Ministry, Umbridge, and Voldemort.

So yeah. I absolutely love what you've written of this so far, and I can't wait to read more.

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Review #31, by marauderfanOnce Upon The Marauders: The Untold Story: Signed, Sealed and Delivered.

7th November 2015:
Hi, I'm here with your review! And thanks to your chapter title, I'm now humming Stevie Wonder before I've even started reading the chapter :p

You asked about a few things in your areas of concern which I'll address:

Dialogue. Most of it I thought was really spot-on, especially for the ages of the characters you're working with. I laughed at James being so insistent on reading his letter, and his father just dragging it out haha! I can so see that. The only area where the dialogue seemed a bit off to me was in the section where Severus is talking to Lily - mostly just here: The muggles always try to wipe us out. Incompetent fools,” he added in an undertone which Lily missed. -- If it's just Severus and Lily there, I don't know why she wouldn't have heard him say 'incompetent fools'. Unless it's really loud outside?

Canon-ness: All seems well to me! I must admit I'm not caught up on Pottermore and haven't really looked at it in months, but I did hear about James' parents names (excuse me while I LOL) so I can at least confirm that your story aligns with all I've heard about Pottermore and to what I would have expected of the Marauders at this age. The Blacks particularly - I have always cherished the idea that Sirius and Regulus were really close as children, and I can easily see Sirius' sorting as having been what made Walburga upset rather than anything before that.

Characters: so far, there's just a little snippet of each one, but certain qualities do stand out about each of them and I'm sure those are traits you're focusing on - James' determination, Peter's desire to fit in, Remus' embarrassment at being different, and Severus and Lily's interesting dynamic of him liking her and hating her background and her not really picking up on either of those things. I'm excited to see where you go with them from here on.

Great start!

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you for coming over and reviewing. Lol, I was actually listening to that song on my TV when I was debating this title :D

That undertone, I pictured it as Snape turning away as he said it. Maybe I should have been more specific.

And James' parent's names are so pathetic. I mean his grandad was called Henry, why oh WHY would his dad be called FLEAmont?
I really wanted to keep the snippets short but convey a lot, kinda like Prince's tale from DH. I'm glad you like it.

Thank you,

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Review #32, by marauderfanAlmost: Almost

7th November 2015:
Hi Gabbie! I'm here with your review!

I love that you're writing more George/Angelina. You have such a wonderful grasp on both of their characters and I just love reading all the interactions between them. I honestly love how this story doesn't come to a conclusion either, it's just like a little snapshot that exemplifies George's feelings for Angelina (and hints at her feelings for him!) over the years. Their friendship really is special and it's obvious that they're very close.

(I only wonder, if all their other friends including Fred seem to be aware of George's feelings, then why does Fred ask Angelina to the Yule Ball the following year? Jerk. :P )

I think the pacing of this was really good, to answer your areas of concern - it didn't feel too jumpy, and I liked that it was primarily just that one scene of the two of them in the library. Fics that are just one scene, set in only one time and place, are surprisingly hard to write!

Some grammar/flow suggestions:

Dumbledore had warned them to stay away from the beasts -- here you might want to say 'the students' rather than 'them', as the previous sentence is about the Dementors and you want to clarify you're talking about the students now, not the dementors :p

She had never been girly but he had noticed a subtle change in her appearance these past few months but felt a sting of jealousy at the thought of her doing this for someone else, “I'm not doing so well in Charms right now and I can't get distracted.” -- this particular sentence highlights a lot of things, actually. I noticed that you use the word 'but' a lot in your writing (twice in this particular sentence). Maybe a synonym? Or the second 'but' could actually be an 'and' in this situation.

Secondly, (and this is something I've noticed before, but I don't think I've ever mentioned) you have an interesting habit of adding the dialogue to the ends of sentences, which I haven't really seen anywhere else. In this sentence, what Angelina says isn't actually related to the rest of the sentence, and I think it'd make a lot more sense as its own sentence. Maybe this is more of a personal preference than anything. But maybe still something to look at - making sure the dialogue is related to the rest of the sentence wherever you have them together in the same sentence.

I really loved this story! And the end just makes me want to smack their heads together because it's OBVIOUS THEY BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER but honestly that's a perfect way to end the story and just leaves a reader wanting more Georgelina one-shots by you. :) Excellent work. ♥

Author's Response: Hello! >:)

Thanks for leaving me this helpful and super awesome review, sorry that I'm just now responding to it.

I've written George and Angelina more than a few times by now but for some reason, I never feel like I grasp George right. He's kind of a hard person to write and so I'm so happy that you all liked how he turned out. Angelina I think, is easier for me to write because I have more experience with her but for some reason, George just makes my head hurt.

I was worried that people wouldn't really respond well to this one-shot because there honestly isn't a plot to it. It's just two friends crushing on each other in the library and that's it. Hahah. I'm glad that it worked out all right though because I was tempted to go back and conjure up some story arc but I'm satisfied that you guys liked how it things were here.

I actually explain why Fred asked Angie to the Yule Ball in the current one-shot that I'm writing so hopefully you'll like it! :)

Hm, this story ended up having a lot of little things nagging at me. I'm going to go in and change some things around because I made a lot of mistakes while I was writing, it was one of those four in the morning stories. Hahaha.

I actually refer to Angelina as a boy at some point and I cringed. Hahahahaha.

I couldn't have them confessing how they felt about each other because it wouldn't have worked. I don't think they were emotionally ready for it yet and plus, it would have disrupted my universe. Hahaha. I didn't mean to leave it on such a cliffhanger though...


Thanks again!

Much love,


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Review #33, by marauderfanOne Last Rousing Speech: and the world was silent for a moment

6th November 2015:
Here for our swap!

Wow, this is such a raw, powerful piece - as I've come to expect of your writing. You have a way of really getting to the core of things and laying all the emotion bare, and I really love how you did it here.

The perspective on the relationship is really interesting, and I especially loved the parallel the narrator makes about feeling outside and looking in through a glass pane. Reading it I felt like I could see the whole spectrum of the relationship - like zooming out on something. I love the way you focused on how the narrator fell in and out of love with the other person, especially how things they used to like about them were then sources of annoyance (yep, isn't that how it always is?)

I also love the way it's paced and how you related it to music. Some sentences are really short, like steps in a dance, and it flows so beautifully between sad and happy and back again. Gah, I just love all the recurring themes in here of things that are circular.

The first two sections give me the idea that they will fall back into the cadence and repeat the cycle they have been in for a long time, falling in and out of love. But the last paragraph is where it hints at something else: the other person being dead. and I get the feeling that it's the person's death that made things final, otherwise the couple would have kept going in the cycle of falling out of love and staying together, but now they can't. At least that's how I interpreted it. And it's sad on so many levels, and so beautifully written.

I don't know what else to say other than that I loved this and it really made me think a lot! Incredible writing, as always. ♥

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Review #34, by marauderfanY5.5: Identical, Yet Inverted

6th November 2015:
whAT IS THIS I LOVE IT AHAHAHAHA. Two lines in and I am crying tears of laughter.

I had started to quote some funny lines back to you but then I realized that my review was going to be as long as the fic and justquoting the entire thing back to you, so I deleted most of it. Suffice it to say that nearly every line made me laugh. Especially the really short section about Laurel just being there but who cares, and the author doing all this research. And the lyrics that subtly reveal character/plot ... brilliant. omg I just loved all of this. What a fine tribute to Y5 :P

I'm sure you're aware how much I ♥ parodies and this has made my heart glad. I have nothing profound to say because it's still after 1 in the morinng, because after reading your other story I visited your AP instead of going to sleep like I should have done. I regret nothing.

Thanks for writing this weirdness. ♥ ya

Author's Response: AH! You are the QUEEN of parody so I'm absolutely over the moon that you enjoyed this! I'll admit, it was pretty absurdly fun to write :P And I'd been revising Y5 at the time so I was hyper aware of little mistakes I'd made in the past (like tagging EVERY line of dialogue, and having EVERY tag start with the verb... *facepalm*)

Thank you so much for your flurry of surprise reviews! They've really made my week :)


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Review #35, by marauderfanRadicalia: Hell is Empty...

6th November 2015:
Another new story!! I think I need to just set up camp on your AP because it's clear I've missed some things. Ages ago I found a story that was about Neville's 7th year and it was never finished, so I'm SO GLAD you're writing this year from Ginny's POV and about all the resistance of the DA and I can tell already that I'm going to get so wrapped up in this. I'm so glad to have found this story!

Sorry I haven't reviewed the other two chapters, btw. I got sucked in and couldn't stop reading :p From here on out though, I'll be better about it!

The scene with the prank shampoo was interesting (and off topic but I did love the irony about shampoo and hygiene rules set by people who've never washed their hair haha) - it's just like Fred and George to play a prank like that and I think under normal circumstances it would have been funny, but with Ginny being the only person in her dorm and freaked out about how different and scary things are now, it was such a tense scene and the prank was just not funny. I was waiting for the violin music to come up like in Psycho and I legit thought she was going to get murdered by shampoo.

Kittens?! That's really cute, but... OMG ROISIN PLEASE NO. I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE DEATH EATERS. They aren't going to do Avada Kedavra on KITTENS ARE THEY?!?!1 I CANNOT HANDLE OMDSFAKASD just. no. don't do that. also the way Ginny's cat burrowed under her neck and purred there reminds me of a cat I used to have, so I'm way too attached to it already. I WILL BE SO ANGRY/SAD IF THAT CAT IS HARMED IN ANY WAY

But real talk. The TONE in this is phenomenal. As you can probably tell from my panicked comments above. That year at Hogwarts must have been so incredibly terrifying and you've showed that - not only in the reactions of professors like McGonagall, and other students, but also in Ginny's internal thoughts - she's such a strong character outwardly, and seeing all the fear and insecurity inside her during this time (which is understandable) really makes her seem so vulnerable. And she really is all alone. Also, I LOVE NEVILLE. I just wanted to cheer for him when he pulled out the snark responses on Day One of dark arts class. Painful to think about what it cost him, but he's a rockstar

some little typos I found:

it could boil away every retched feeling -- should be 'wretched'

Andy waved quieting hand -- missing an 'a' after 'waved'

Luna was Luna afterall -- 'after all' is two words

At the back of the room, and unfamiliar witch stood watching as Filch fiddled with strange-looking device. -- 'an' unfamiliar witch, and there's an 'a' missing before 'strange looking'

Also (and I'm not sure if this is a helpful comment, but this is just how I interpreted this) in the previous chapter, the transition between Ginny's memory of the Death Eaters crashing the wedding and her being dumped on the train kind of makes it sound like they captured her from the wedding and took her to the Hogwarts express. I know that's not what happened, but it took me a moment to realize the time jump. anyway, maybe an extra line could clarify that. again, I'm sorry I'm reviewing the wrong chapter but it's 1 in the morning and I shouldn't even be reading fanfiction at all but I just had to read through this story once I found it! and I'm so glad I did. welll that's about it, I'll be back next time. This story is so good and I'm really glad you're writing this missing year (I'd be too afraid to take that on, but I trust that it'll be great in your hands.)

Sorry my reviews make no sense late at night! TLDR: this story is great. Ciao! ♥

Author's Response: Yayyayayay I'm so glad you like! I can sort of see how "War Era Story From D.A. POV" might get abandoned, because it's sort of tricky to get to a satisfying climax when we all know what's going to happen. A lot of why I'm writing this story is that I think I have a way around this while staying in canon, so here's to hoping I can pull it off!

I'm really glad the shampoo thing came off the way it did to you because it was sort of a WEIRD thing to do, I realize. And like YES for Psycho violins! I wasn't sure if I'd gotten the sort of pace and suspensey stuff right or not, so it's encouraging that it worked as planned.

The kittens thing is inspired by the Hitler Youth and puppies (everyone got a puppy when they joined, which they were then to raise to doghood). I figured that since this is witches/wizards, cats made more sense, and also a bunch of full grown dogs at Hogwarts might cause for distraction. And cats are better for indoor stuff. But yeah, the reasons for the kittens are exactly the same reasons for the dogs in the Hitler Youth.

TONE! That's the thing I worried most about nailing, followed in quick succession by CHARACTER. Like, I really wanted to keep Ginny in character with canon, but then also try to reveal more about her by being in her own head. I think, at least in this story, there's a big difference between how she presents herself and how she feels inside. And YES SO HAPPY you liked the Neville comment! In the first draft it genuinely just said "SOMETHING SNARKY" and I wrung my hands a lot over what that could be.

Thank you for catching those typos! Chapter has been edited :) And I you make a good point about the time jump in Ch1, I'll definitely have a think about clarifying that a bit.

Heehee, I also wonder if you noticed a trend among my novels: "Year Five" covers fifth year (obv), "Radicalia" covers sixth year, "Trials of Scorpius Malfoy" covers seventh year! Unfortunately I might not be able to keep hosting "Trials" on HPFF (the idea originated in one of my entries to the HC collab, and I only just found out about a rule against posting the same/similar stories more than once on the archives). BUT, yes: Y5, Y6, Y7! All stand-alone, but all in-universe!

BUT BACK TO THIS REVIEW: thank you SO much for taking the time to leave such a big juicy and helpful review. It's been very, very encouraging!


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Review #36, by marauderfanSleeping Beauty: What has changed?

5th November 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your review :)

So your main area of concern was whether or not the story is interesting, and I definitely do! There's a lot of mystery built up about what exactly happened to Raine and why she was gone. It's also interesting how you highlighted 'a year, five months, and eighteen days' - I have a feeling Raine's fixation on this is important, but I'm not sure how yet ;)

The last lines where Raine's identity is revealed - it was simultaneously a surprise and also I felt like I should have seen it coming, as she speaks French and her obsession with status and popularity. I thought that was great because the clues were there and had been scattered through the chapter so if I were really looking for it, I could have figured it out! So... I'm assuming she's Rabastan's daughter? (i mean i guess she could be the child of Rodolphus and Bellatrix, but the idea of Bellatrix having children is just... terrifying haha) I'll have to wait to find out!

So yeah ,it's a really interesting start! The only thing I'd watch out for is grammar/spelling errors. They're all little mistakes, like this one: Her eye’s never left his -- (should be 'eyes') and easy to catch with a read through or with a beta, so maybe that'd be something to look into. Also, the paragraph that begins "Raine used to be popular" is kind of long, I would suggest splitting it in two or three paragraphs instead.

So yeah, I like what you've written so far! I think Raine has a lot of potential to be a really interesting character and I'm curious to find out more about her. Great work on this chapter! :)

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Review #37, by marauderfanThe Long Road Down: Pinstripes and Whisky

5th November 2015:

I must say, the sheer uniqueness of this story caught my eye and I knew I had to pick this one. Not only because I love minor characters, but it's an era that's rarely seen in fanfiction. And it's about Unspeakables. Recipe for a story I will love :p

First we start out with the complete failure that is Saul Croaker. Gah, he's really struggling and could things get worse for him? OF course they do, now he's mixed up in something shady without knowing it. I'm assuming that Gorman put that slip of paper into his pocket, but who is he? What was the paper about? Must find out.

My first thought was that the address vanished because Gorman was the secret keeper for something - you know how the address for 12 Grimmauld Place vanished off the paper as soon as Harry read it - anyway, that was my first impression, but Gorman would have to be a rubbish secret keeper. Or, as the Unspeakables mention, a building actually disappeared... !!! What building? How? Ahh, so much mystery and I love it. You've definitely started this off with an interesting hook that makes me want to read on!

Based on the story summary, which states Croaker and Bode will be working together, I'm really eager to see that happen based on Croaker's opinion of Bode, haha. I feel like they're each starting out with the lowest possible opinion of each other and then they're going to have to work together anyway muahaha.

Well, I really enjoyed this so far! Great start - I hope to see more chapters up soon :)

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Review #38, by marauderfanHot Mess!: All work and no play will make Percy Weasley Minister for Magic one day

4th November 2015:
Hi! I'm here with your review! And yay for a Percy/Audrey story, Percy is a rather underappreciated character (for good reason, I guess) and I love stories about unpopular characters.

Yep, I can see Percy as being the sort who is the first to arrive at work and the last to leave. And awww, small thing but the bit about the Egypt trip with his family being the happiest he'd ever been - that just tugged at my heart a little, I just find it really sweet. Back when he was just 'annoying old Percy, the Head Boy' and his brothers loved to tease him about that, but there was no real hard feelings or anything. And Fred was alive. Gah.

Ahaha, this whole scene with the drunk girl, Percy is so incompetent at trying to deal with it and it's kind of endearing. I just want to give him a pat on the head.

And then promotions potentially on the horizon? Griffiths seems a bit too full of himself and I hope he loses. Which is funny because in the books Percy is so full of himself - but here he's so much more humble, as I would imagine is likely after a downfall like being on the wrong side of the war for so long. I really liked how much you went into that, like how weird it is for him to see the Minister of Magic and remember the war, and how Percy is sort of fallen from grace and unpopular at work. It's very believable and also makes him a much more sympathetic character.

As for my overall impression - I love it! In fact, I'm really tempted to just skip on and read the rest, but I gotta leave you this review first :p I love how you've set up such polar opposite characters in the first chapter and I CANNOT WAIT to see the next interaction between PErcy and the drunk girl (I'm assuming is Audrey). I just love characters in awkward situations! :p

Uh, so areas of improvement: 1. this line -- and he hoped it was what he hoped to Merlin it was. -- didn't really make sense.

and this one -- I don’t know really know what’s going on either -- has too many know's :p

Also, I was a bit confused when Audrey (I assume) is first introduced because Percy notes that there's a large lump on the table, and my first thought was that it was a package or some files or something. And then when she starts talking, it's actually not clear that it's a 'she' who's talking, just a voice (whom Percy still calls 'it'.) Maybe when she first speaks, you could insert a line about the tone of her voice that indicates that this is indeed a person and not a talking stack of files. :P

ASide from that, I love the introduction to your characters and the way you've set up the story. I can't say much on plot development so far, as I've only read one chapter, but it looks like it's set up to do so. I'm really excited to read more of this.

I am left with one question after reading this: how have I not read any of your work before? You're a great writer!

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Review #39, by marauderfanAnother Time: The Other One

4th November 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your review. I don't think I had read anything by you before today, so I'm glad you requested! :)

You didn't ask about description in your areas of concern but I just want to gush about your descriptions for a second because they were wonderfully vivid and intense. Especially the transformations - wow. Beautiful job on that.

So to your areas of concern. Grammar - I think you did well at this in general - there are a couple of places missing a punctuation mark (like in the section where Hugo asks to be turned, there should be full stops at the end of the sentences) but otherwise, I think your grammar was good.

And sentence construction - also great. Nothing stood out as awkward and I liked the balance of the sentence structure in different sentences.

The plot/flow are interesting with this one - I must admit, I had trouble following it the first time I read it just because it jumps around in time as well as POV's, but when I read it through a second time, it was a lot clearer. I think the main reason I had trouble with it at first was because I didn't have a frame of reference for the timing/ order of things or how old she was at any point except the snippet where she was 16 and walking with Edward out of church. And as I said, it did make sense on a second read-through, but I think that it could maybe be beneficial to give more clues in the text so it's clear for readers who only read it once. And it can be really subtly done - having seen your very artful wielding of the English language with your descriptions, I am positive you'd be able to find a way to put some sort of timing related clue into a few of the sections. (If you wanted to. :P ) I do like the fact that it isn't linear, though. :)

You really kept the scary/horror atmosphere during the whole thing and I thought it was handled really well - there was this constant feeling of foreboding and tension running under the whole thing so I loved what you did with the tone of the piece.

I realise I just rambled a lot :P but I hope this is a helpful review! Excellent work on this fic and thanks for requesting!

Author's Response: Ramble away, that's all right :hug:

I thought about including the time frames but thought I'd first see if it's absolutely necessary. Judging by all the reviews, I think it is now. I'll fix that :D Thank you for pointing that out the way you did. Now I know exactly where I need to make the changes :hug:

If you were tensed during the whole thing, then my work is well paid off :D

Awww you say such nice things :hug: I was afraid of grammar. Even though the language in practice is English, it's my second language, so the way we use it is a bit different, even though we use British English. I wanted to really know if there are any irregularities and I'm so glad you think it's fine :D

Thank you so much for this review. It really cleared my doubts and helped me a lot in planning ahead. Thank you!

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Review #40, by marauderfanCome Hell or High Water: Extend the Olive Branch

4th November 2015:
Hello again! Saw you had a new chapter up :)

Interesting view we're getting into Valerie's school life. Is she a Hufflepuff?! (was that mentioned before?) I had thought she was a Slytherin (especially because of her behaviour in this chapter), but then she went to the Hufflepuff CR. It's interesting, as she seems a bit prickly and standoffish, but once I reached the end of chapter and realised that most of her resentment stems from the idea that Jake is replacing her as Kimberly's best friend, I can see how that would make any thirteen year old angry. Lol, I do love her angry snark though :p

Also - Professor McGonagall is written perfectly in that scene - even though she says only one line, it is so wonderfully McGonagall that I could really hear her saying that in my head. It's like she's right off the pages of the book! So yeah, well done.

not sure if you mind CC, but I did happen to notice a couple of tiny things that I think could use clearing up of pronouns: here - while Fowler appeared to have not even noticed the shift in atmosphere. It felt much like the sickeningly embarrassing scenes in those trashy romance novels her sister read. -- I think it'd be clearer to say "To Valerie, it felt much like..." because as is, most of the rest of the paragraph is about other people's reactions, the last of whom didn't notice anything.

And here: She made to follow, but was halted by Fowler -- maybe say 'Valerie made to follow'

I continue to love your characters in this story. and I think one of your greatest strengths in writing is your dialogue. Your characters feel very real because of it, and realistic characters are what make a story for me.

Awesome work! :)

Author's Response: Pleased to see you reviewing again! (:

Haha, yes, Valerie is a Hufflepuff! It was never explicitly stated, so I can understand you thinking she was a Slytherin. Personally, I believe she was a near Hatstall and that the Sorting Hat wavered between those two houses.

I have no issue with constructive criticism at all! I like to know these things because what makes sense to me may not be clear to others, so thank you!

Aaahh, thank you so much for saying that! It's so nice to hear things like that!


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Review #41, by marauderfanEidolon: Yellow Cotton

4th November 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review, and this is such a great way to come back into reviewing after a long time away because your writing always blows me away.

I'm really intrigued by your banner and story summary already. And then that first line GAH. teach me your ways. Your descriptions are some of the best I've seen on HPFF. The transitions throughout that whole first section are incredible, from the wine to blood to thinking about his family. And all the while no name is mentioned and I was so curious who it was that left their family - James or Albus? And why? The hint is there that it's related to discomfort in the spotlight, but I feel like it's something more as well, given the note that the narrator makes about his and Anatole's demons - it implies that there's a deeper thing going on there than just running away from fame. But I don't know. And that's what makes it really interesting!

The letter from Albus is heartbreaking. As much as James is hurting, his family is hurting just the same because of his absence and silence, and just, wah. I can see the reactions you described as being quite realistic to HArry's and Ginny's personalities, and even though Albus himself hasn't made an appearance yet apart from his letter, I feel like I know him pretty well just from that. Excellent characterisation all round.

(A note on the letter though: I want my family to happy for me at that party -- I think you left out a word, "I want my family to be happy")

And then James' return. I'm happy he returned, and maybe he can begin to mend things with his family, but gah is this a heartrending scene, how he's trying to be anonymous, and he hates that people are sad/angry/happy about his return. It's a very emotional scene there at the Leaky Cauldron and I kind of just feel badly for everyone involved!

So, to your areas of concern! I love that you've started writing a next-gen. So far, it stands out already as a really powerful start with interesting themes emerging. I do like your characters so far and I'm mostly just curious about why James left and hope that the back story on his disappearance and subsequent avoidance of his family is revealed soon.

I also want to point out the interesting stylistic thing you did with the parentheses - it seems like most of the pieces about James' feelings or emotions are separated away into these parenthetical asides, and I have a feeling it is a reflection of how he compartmentalises things and kind of draws away into his head - or just some way that what's going on inside his head is different to what's going on outside. At least that's the impression I got after this first chapter - I'll be interested to see how his characterisation continues to develop and I'm sure I'll keep watching those parentheses :P

This is a great start! I'm really curious to know where it goes from here. Thanks for requesting this!!

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Review #42, by marauderfanThe Trials of Scorpius Malfoy: The Old House

21st October 2015:
ROISIN YOU HAVE A NEW STORY :D :D And from the looks of it, it's Scorbus! And it's in a non-linear format! Eeee.

I love that you've focused on what Draco Malfoy became after the war and how it affects him and the way he raises Scorpius - like how his Apparition licence was taken away and that this makes him jealous/not wanting Scorpius to Apparate everywhere, the side of the house that was most used during the war is off limits, etc. Draco is clearly still haunted by the war and his role in it, and I think he'll be a really interesting character throughout.

In the little snippet you've given of these characters so far, I feel like I have a good grasp on who they are - and that's pretty impressive for after one chapter. Albus and Scorpius and Draco are all very private people and I'm already really excited for the moment when Draco finds out about Scorpius and Albus and meets Albus... *evil laugh* just because I love awkward scenes. As for other characters - I can already tell Rose is going to be a lot of fun! And Harry and Ginny are wonderfully written, I laughed at the bit about "if you die, I'll kill you". Classic Ginny.

a tiny bit of CC: “Was it supposed to be Quirinius?” -- this struck me as kind of odd because when would Draco Malfoy ever have called Quirrell by his first name? (I'm assuming that's supposed to be Quirrell. OMG random sidenote though: I didn't know until recently that Quirinus was another name for Janus, the Roman god with two faces. I shouldn't still be surprised by how well JKR thought everything out! but aah!) okay, but back to your story now.

The Triwizard Tournament - woah. Because it went so well last time. You know, with Voldemort coming back. And before that it was cancelled due to the death toll. I feel like it's doomed from the start, but eh, wizards always seem to not mind things that are dangerous: i.e. Basically every class at Hogwarts. Anyway, I really can't wait to see how this goes...

I really love this first chapter! You have a wonderful way of focusing on details in your writing and it brings each scene to life. Can't wait to see where it goes from here.

Author's Response: YES I NEW STORIED!1!1!! Thank you so much for being my first ever review on this, it means so much to me! I've been on sort of a HPFF posting rampage. Like, historically I've written things out all the way through and fully edited before posting, but I'm really keen to advance my learning and I finally feel confident enough to just post as I go and hope to keep the plot coherent :P So yeah, I've posted 2 new WIPs this month so I can have a range of styles to experiment with, and this community really is the best place to grow and improve!

I'm so glad you like the way I'm doing Draco here, and that the whole idea and stuff is resonating! Never having posted-as-I-go before, I'm not sure whether or not this is spoilery, but I don't think so: my sort of interpretation is that Draco partially wants to drive with Scorpius because he loves his son and wants to be with him before he leaves for months on end. But in an annoying and distant and flawed way, so yeah, the jealousy stuff IS there, but there's some Love too that Scorpius doesn't fully recognize or appreciate (as is his right).

AH! I'm rather absurdly stoked that you thought Ginny was in-line! And that you like this version of Rose! The idea of a Scorpius/Albus/Rose story as the central friendship is far from groundbreaking, so I wanted to at least try a novel (yet believable) interpretation of how they might be.

I totes agree about the Quirinus/Quirrel thing and am editing that now. ALSO, can I JUST SAY: I thought it was "Quirnius" until WRITING THIS CHAPTER. Like, I spent the last *counts on fingers* SIXTEEN YEARS reading as "Quirnius."

So Wizarding World, right? Being all like "well Voldemort's dead, and that was the big issue last time." But like, wasn't it an issue before that too? They play fast and loose with putting children/teenagers in potentially life threatening situations. Totally their steez.

AND YAY I'm really glad you mention detail here, because I was especially worried about the balance of description in this chapter and being to Telly over Showy.

YAYAYAYAYAYAY I'm totally gonna go work on the next chapter now because this review made me so happy!

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Review #43, by marauderfanAreopagitica: Affiche Rouge

18th October 2015:
Hello! I remember reading the first chapter of this a while ago (the title is very memorable!) and so for the swap I couldn't resist coming back to read more of this one. I absolutely love Hogwarts era - it's my favourite for fan fiction. Especially during this missing year when Harry was away from Hogwarts.

WOW that start with Rita Skeeter - she's not been up to anything good at all! Just the spin on things, wow, Kingsley being seen as the leader of a 'terrorist' group and the poor victims Thorfinn and Rowle who are known Death Eaters.. ah! It's incredible how different perspectives of the same event can almost seem like two diferent events. Just the way she twists the story around... like I can see the truth of what happened in there, but it's so buried under layers of bias, probably because the Ministry's got control of the Daily Prophet and could kill her if she said anything that didn't support the Death Eater's view. Which is so scary, how would you know what news to trust!? I'm getting way sidetracked and I've only read like two sentences. But already there's a lot to think about haha!

OMG I WANT TO JUST HUG GINNY RIGHT NOW. YOU GO GINNY. FOUR POINTS FOR YOU GINNY. She is so brave and defiant and candid and I just love her. Reading the bit where Amycus Carrow tortured her was hard to read but I think really displayed the full extent of the horror of what was going on in the school that year.

Ahaha and then Ginny makes that dark joke later about writing on the walls for the right side - I LOVE HER

Also I just love the way you write Luna, Neville, and Ginny together. They have such a beautiful friendship especially in the face of adversity; they have this shared history of supporting each other through really tough times and difficult things, and their friendship is just so solid. I love how they're always there for each other and for the whole school in a way, as the people who are putting themselves out there the most. I look forward to reading a lot more about the three of them.

The dynamics between the teachers are really well done too. I think that McGonagall is a really interesting character to focus on, as you have, because it's clear how much she wants to help, and she's used to having authority, having been there for years - she has the power to do something, but at the expense of others, and I think you did well writing her in this scene as she wouldn't put her students in danger and would only risk her own self.

Gah, this story is sooo good! I'm really hoping to see a new update soon and thanks much for the review swap!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!

Ah Rita Skeeter. She's something else isn't she? She's an opportunist, she is. Rita goes where the money goes and with the new regime, the money is with them. And she does have a knack for twisting the truth. I think she's definitely a very powerful tool to them.

I love Ginny too. She's so brave and I really admire her character for that. All of them are actually - Ginny, Neville, and Luna. They have a wonderful friendship and a lot of passion in them.

McGonagall too is one of my favourites. She's a tough character to write because she's just so formidable.

Thanks again for your kind words! Hopefully my muse will come back and the next chapter will be finished soon! One can hope...


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Review #44, by marauderfanInstantly: Instantly

18th October 2015:
Finally here for our review swap!

I love stories that are about the twins because there aren't that many out there! Seeing as they're such popular characters it's a bit surprising that not many people actually write about them - but then, they can be a bit tricky to write. I love that you took on that challenge - as well as that you made a pretty big distinction between the two of them and they don't seem to just be the same person (which is an easy trap to fall into).

Poor Percy, he really does think he's trying to help by monitoring the twins but all that does is annoy Fred even more! Percy is such a stuffy, annoying character but for some reason I really like him as a character. In this I simultaneously am annoyed at him for having such impossibly high standards and being a general stick in the mud, but I also feel kind of badly for him because Fred's not that nice to him!

It was neat to see Alicia's first meeting with the twins as well - I really liked what you did with her character. And Angelina was really well written too! She gives off this interesting vibe of being tough but also kind of lost as she's in a new place with new people. I enjoyed seeing the four of them bond over quidditch and just reading all of their interactions.

George's love-at-first-sight feelings about Angelina seemed a bit more coherent and strong than I would expect from an eleven-year-old, but it was really sweet. :)

“I swear, the day I see you crack a joke'll be the day I die," -- TOO SOON, GABBIE. AAAH D:

Before I forget, one minor continuity note - Angelina would have been sorted before the Weasleys as her last name comes first alphabetically.

That aside, this was a really great fic and I'm glad I read it! Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving this awesome review! I'm so happy that you guys have liked this one-shot so much. It means a lot!

There aren't a lot of stories with the twins on the archives? I didn't know that! Wow! I love writing them because I've never tried to fit them in the same kind of mold. I like to make them seem different and I'm glad that you liked them! :)

I have a soft spot for Percy, I think that he means well but he goes about things in the wrong way. Fred doesn't hate Percy or anything but I think that their personalities are so strong that they clash. I feel like Fred is merely wanting his brother's attention though, which is something that George sort of pointed out. Hahaha. He's kind of a brat.

I'm so happy that Alicia and Angelina turned out so well. I had never written Alicia this young before with actual dialogue so I'm happy that she had some personality. Angelina on the other hand has this perfect combination of strength and shyness so I'm SO happy that her personality turned out okay. The four of them are great together and I loved writing them all, I really do enjoy writing children around this age.

You know, I am going to go in and change how George's reaction to Angelina just a teeny bit. I feel like it was too strong for his age but I'll keep the general sweetness of it.

Muahahahaha. NO one likes that line! I'm sorry!

Thanks for pointing out the Sorting thing too! I am going to go in and fix that soon!

Thanks a ton!

Much love,


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Review #45, by marauderfanFor the Greater Good: In the End

17th October 2015:
Hi! I saw your blog so I thought I'd stop by with something to cheer you up! Naturally, I chose this one as it's my OTP (though funnily enough, I've never actually written Grindeldore because I think I'd mess up the characters too much, so bonus points to you for writing two really difficult characters!)

You did really well with writing them too. In particular I love that line Gellert says about how Albus won't have to worry about lost loved ones once they have the hallows - how despite his show of caring for Albus he's still very self centered and focused on his quest of the Hallows most of all - as I'd expect from him. And Albus doesn't really see that because he's sidetracked by the sadness of finding his mother's grave, and also because he's realising that he's in love with Gellert. The character dynamics there are subtle and that's what makes it so good!

Wow, that fight scene was so intense! I was so worried there, I thought that as Albus watched in the Pensieve he would see who had cast that curse that killed Ariana O_O And those lines that came just afterwards, when he says goodbye to Fawkes and knows he won't be returning with HArry - gah! my heart! My feels just got crushed! Uggghh so sad D:

This ends in such a bittersweet way. And bittersweet is my favourite type of ending honestly - and the way you juxtaposed it here, first Dumbledore dies and then only a few paragraphs later Grindelwald hears about his death and then he welcomes death as well - the way it's framed, after all those memories, it's like he still thinks about Albus and cares for him, and wants to see him in an afterlife or something - or whatever the "next great adventure" of death is. Ahh, I just love the way you ended it, it's beautiful.

Well done! You are a great writer :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for stopping by! This did cheer me up quite a bit!! :D

I was very nervous to write Grindeldore so I did as much research as I could to really get a grasp of the two characters and how they differ and how they don't. To hear that you think I did a really good job with them really makes my day!! Gellert reminds me a lot of Voldemort in a way. He is self centered to the core and merciless when it comes down to it, but I think there is that inept fear of the unknown. He wants the safe guards. I felt so bad writing Albus in such a vulnerable way, but he really was. To love a man that doesn't reciprocate is heartbreaking in itself, but when he may have been the one to kill your baby sister... insane!

I am glad that you liked the last bit after the Penseive. I think his memory could be altered like Slughorn's was just because he doesn't really want to know, or anybody else for that matter, who was responsible for Ariana's death.

I think that Grindelwald would have come to peace with the fact that death is inevitable being stuck in his own prison. I like to think that when he welcomes death it is because he does really love Albus too. Even if it is just as a friend. He could see the error of his ways. That is where Voldemort failed.

Thanks so much again for the read, review and lovely words!!


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Review #46, by marauderfanCome Hell or High Water: A Bitter Pill to Swallow

17th October 2015:
Hello! First of all, I see you're somewhat new to HPFF so welcome! Also, I am so glad I clicked on this fic today because it's really wonderful and should totally have more reviews.

My favourite era of fic is the Hogwarts era, and I love how you're weaving this sort of behind-the-scenes story that fits in with the events of PoA - like I recognize all the things happening in the background, such as Harry living in Diagon Alley and the train stopping for Dementors, and as such it's easy to visualize the setting of the story in time and place. It's also cool to see some more of the students in Harry's year and how different their priorities and lives are different from the Chosen One's.

So far your characters seem really well-developed and unique, which is the key to writing a good story. I appreciate the diverse cast, as well! I am really looking forward to seeing where things go from here - you've got an excellent start to this story. Keep writing! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your warm welcome!

It's good you have an easy visualization of when and where they are. I love details and being consistent with canon, so I'm glad it's beneficial!

I'm pleased you consider my characters to be well-developed and unique! (: It's crucial to me that they can all stand alone as their own character and person, despite the bonds they have or may forge with others.

Thank you once more! (:

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Review #47, by marauderfanThe Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Tells Dirty Jokes Like a Man

17th October 2015:
Imagine the lengthy smile upon my face when perchance I discovered a new chapter of this glorious romp through the founders era. (sidenote, when I typed that at first I accidentally typed "founders ear"). I am most overjoyed to see that you have resumed the scribing of this tale.

Your Elizabethan translations in the beginning are always funny but I think that today they were extra good and I have some great new vocabulary words. Nether purse hehehe.

The goofy scene with the Xtra's (haha) writhing around arguing whether or not they're dead (I can't remember which one was dead... they're like the same person, as Max so wisely pointed out before) it reminded me of the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail when that one guy says the witch turned him into a newt. (And I mean only the best things by that comparison!)

I absolutely love the way Max's narration is so faulty and he forgets to mention things and Ivan has to remind him, or else Max mentions things which the characters aren't aware of. Max is definitely one of the most unique narrators I've ever seen and the reason this story is so entertaining! Don’t worry children, there’s no need to tell Nicholi about the little issue of the ocean separating him from the mountain. He will fall into one of those plot holes laying about and find himself at the foot of Beinn Nibheis in no time at all! -- ahahahaha, see this is why I love it! I love your very candid parody style.

Why does she have a wooden sword? Is she trying to defeat Jello? Is Lord Grundyblossom made of Jello? Or maybe wooden swords are merely lighter and then she doesn't look as foolish as Nicholi dropping his sword. My, things are getting interesting. I can't wait to find out. I should bribe Max with some broccoli alfredo so that the next chapter gets posted imminently, eh?

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Review #48, by marauderfanMiddle Clouds: A Matter of Tactics

17th October 2015:
A new chapter!! :D And honestly, this story just keeps getting better and better. This one really shines in all the playful banter between Rose and her friends, I just love them!

Wow, Jonathan is about as interesting as drywall and I'm glad Rose broke up with him. Though I must say, his mum sounds awesome and travelling around researching magical plants sounds like the best job ever (though I'm biased, I once had a job a lot like that but without the magic! haha)

I must ask though... how much longer are you going to drag out the SUSPENSE about what Ruth's secret is?!?! hahaha I mean, I love it, but I also am terrible at not knowing and the suspense is killing meee! I HAVE TO KNOW! While I sit at the edge of my seat waiting for the answer, I've come up with various plausible (and unplausible) theories as to what it is: 1) as mentioned previously, she can turn into a tree or other plant, 2) She is a time traveller from the future or past, 3) She is someone else under disguise of the Polyjuice Potion! 4) She has to duck out from time to time because she has a secret life as a famous singer. Am I close? I'll probably just keep coming up with absurd guesses in the meantime. :P

I love the blossoming friendship between Rose and Scorpius! (though I notice she's still calling him Malfoy.) And the truth comes out about Malfoy and Jeanie - she is a mastermind, isn't she! I love that it was all over a bet about Chocolate Frogs, and the kind of silly insight it gives into both Scorpius and Jeanie, how this is a way they spend their spare time hahaha I just love the mental image.

omg, the Weird Sisters doing a reunion tour when they're old and washed up - this cracks me up because it's something that so many real bands from the 70s are doing... and I am the Albus in this situation, having also gone to a few concerts of bands that broke up 25 years ago and totally enjoying it XD It was so funny to read that bit, because not only does it poke fun at this weird trend but I can totally relate to Albus in the situation!

This was a a wonderful chapter and it is so great to see you still updating this! I'll keep coming up with theories as to Ruth's odd behaviour (WAIT I'VE GOT IT: SHE'S SECRETLY JOINING THE WEIRD SISTERS TOUR AS A BACKUP SINGER) while I wait for your next amazing chapter!!

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Review #49, by marauderfanThe Exchange Student: i

24th September 2015:
Wheee, I'm on a roll catching up on this story(ies) lately! I love that you're telling these two stories concurrently.

I love that Snape's method of calming himself down is to mentally recite the twelve uses of dragon's blood XD that's kind of cute, actually.

No. Even though he and Lily were no longer friends, she had better sense than to wind up with that arrogant prat. -- Hahaha... Bummer, dude.

I like the attention you've drawn to how Hogwarts really is Snape's home, since his real home is a place of abuse and neglect - but how much of the feeling of home that Hogwarts gave him was because of Lily. I do almost feel badly for Snape here.

It was foolish for her to throw away years of friendship over a slip of his tongue. He did not mean it, and he just had to get her to see that he was truly sorry. -- this so accurately captures the essence of what Snape is. He'll apologize, beg, do whatever is needed, but ultimately still thinks it's her being foolish and doesn't step back and look at what he's become and why she cut him out of her life.

And then we get the overlap with SSS! I'm really excited for this because I love the way the same story can be different when seen from two different POV's. This was a great place to leave off too, because just as Lily leaves Snape at the lowest point he's been at, Hermione walks in and you can just feel that things are about to change.

Love it! I know this won't be updated for a while but I'll be back when it is! :)

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Review #50, by marauderfanDisappear : Chapter Two

23rd September 2015:
Hello there! I saw that this story had quite a few chapters and no reviews and so I wanted to come by and appreciate! Your story summary is really captivating and drew me in.

I guess I didn't know exactly what to predict apart from a couple that used to be together and then broke up, so the bit about her having an abortion really surprised me - in the best way possible. I mean, there are a lot of teenage pregnancy fics out there, and in every one that I've read, the girl has the baby. So I like that yours is different in that respect. Most especially, I love stories about controversial and difficult topics so I really admire you for doing just that! And for not shying away from the uncomfortable aspects of that such as Louis' feelings on the issue versus it being Melanie's choice and how complicated that makes things for the two of them.

I kind of also love that Melanie is friends with the Bloody Baron. I really hope to see more of this friendship and how it even works haha, it's great! And random sidenote, I love the name Melanie :)

You've also woven a bit of mystery in here as well in terms of the circumstances of Liam's death; it's been alluded to as something that happened and it obviously still affects Melanie and Florence a lot, so I wonder what happened and when. I'll have to read more and find out!

If you don't mind me giving you a bit of CC, I have a couple of suggestions that might help make your fic even stronger. While you seem to do well with character interactions with one another, sometimes it feels like the characters are just floating in nothingness having their conversations. One thing that might be cool to do is have a sentence or so describing the setting when the scene changes, so the reader can visualise the characters in that setting more easily. Like what room are they in, what month is it, is it cold? loud? For example, like "we walked into the noisy common room, where the red and gold tapestries were illuminated by the late autumn sun." Or something like that. Little details of what a setting looks, feels, smells like - those can go a long way in helping the reader feel like they are there in that scene.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean - I only say this because I think it will make a good fic even better. It's all coming from a place of love :)

I'll just close off this review by saying that I applaud you for your daring to take on a difficult topic and for the wonderful start you've got on this story. I've enjoyed the first two chapters! Keep up the great work! ♥

Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review! And no I don't think it was mean - it was helpful! I'm so glad you are enjoying the story. It is always sort of nerve racking to do such a conversional topic so I'm glad to finally get some feedback on it.

There will be more Baron coming up and I think Liam's death will finally come out here as well.

I truly do appreciate the review and am thankful for the tips! I hope you come back for more and I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!


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