Reading Reviews From Member: marauderfan
  
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Review #1, by marauderfanLiar: Heartbreakers

19th September 2016:
I'm sorry it's taken me so much longer than I expected to get here! I had computer issues but they're fixed now.

That scene with James yelling at everyone and being angry at them in the aftermath of the werewolf prank... honestly, I really loved that scene. I mean, it was sad and heartbreaking and all, but I love the way you drew out certain aspects of each of the four characters that is rarely shown. I've seen a lot of fic focusing on the fallout of the prank between Remus and Sirius, but never James, and he was the one who prevented anything horribly serious (lol Sirius?) from happening, and in a way was betrayed by his best friend and everyone's just mad at each other and no one stops to thank him from preventing them from going to Azkaban for murder. He's so vulnerable at that moment and I just found it to be a profound character moment, so I loved it. I think that's one of your greatest strengths as a writer, to get into the characters' heads so well, and you do so well with this particularly when you write the Marauders.

And I love what you did with the Snape's Worst Memory scene here from Peter's POV, especially with the context of all that came before it in Peter's life, especially between him and Remus. It sets this scene in such a different light, and I really liked reading this fresh perspective of it.

And the split between Remus and Peter is so sad. I think you paralleled it really well with the Snape/Lily fallout, how just one word ruined them both, and in the case of Remus and Peter, it brought up all the insecurities Remus has been managing to push away, about him being a monster and not deserving any love. The fact that he actually believes that about himself just kills me. In a way I don't think Peter can see how vulnerable Remus is, he's just tired of being pushed around by Remus closing himself off, and even when he realizes he said the wrong word, everything just kind of crumbles, because on top of that there's all this latent jealousy. I feel bad for both of them, but at the same time I just want to shake them for their bad communication.

So anyway: I loved this chapter, as always! Such wonderful writing. You are amazing.
Snowball hug! Love you ♥

Author's Response: Kristin!!!
Snowball hug!!!

(And apologies for answering so late... the truth is, I loved this review so much and liked to have a quick access to it... :P)

And no worries about the lateness. Technology issues are the worst... glad they are solved now!

Ah, it's such a relief that you were particularly impressed by James' scene, because it was the one I was most worried about. I felt scared it would be too heavy and confusing, since I only quickly hinted at a lot of things going on for him in that moment (why on heart did I think that seven sections thing was a good idea???)

Anyway, I'm glad that you liked that scene as a character development moment and that you could feel him and his rage and frustration so well. You're right, he is the one who saved them all and he only received resentment and loneliness in return. I've always thought that friendship was what mattered most for him and now his friends are deceiving him in the worst way possible... erm, am I rambling too much? Point is, I'm glad you liked what I did with his character!

Ahahah! Horribly Sirius! You are Siriusly the best, Kristin! :D

Gald you liked Peter's POV in the Mudblood incident scene as well! I wanted to bring out his uncertainties for the future and his suffering about Remus and also a bit of his darker, vengeful side. I hope it all came across well...

And, yes, I know... it broke my heart to have them breaking up (plot necessities, plus Remus is that stubborn...) I'm glad you liked the parallel with Lily and Severus, too.

Poor Remus, he always think so poorly of himself... he definitely needs both the hugging and the shaking! And Peter should've understood better his state of mind, but as you said he was just tired of being constantly shut off and sent away... my poor boys...

YOU are amazing! Thank you for stopping by and leaving such an incredible, stunning, encouraging review! It made my day a thousand times!!!

Snowball hug!!!
Chiara


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Review #2, by marauderfanThe Smell of Lilies: 4 a.m.

12th September 2016:
Curieee! I'm so glad to see you're still around here and still writing and posting your magnificent stories! :)

Okay, so this story was so good, and so sad. I really loved the way you did the timeline of the story, the alternating past and present. The way the reader already knows the relationship is doomed puts this sad tone over the happier scenes of them falling in love, and makes it really bittersweet.

And the second person POV! Seriously, this story has everything I like - queer Lily, bittersweet tone, unusual POV and non linear narration. And I really love how the second person perspective adds to the story here. It's far more personal than 3rd-person, and for a story about heartbreak, that's appropriate. And the fact that it's 'you' as the main character going through the heartbreak - it makes that heartbreak hurt just a little more.

And it's so sad the way she noticed too - but something small like that seemed so realistic - as simple as the perfume she used when she came home later and later. I wonder if the girl was named Rose... or even if she was Lily's cousin Rose. That would be the saddest. I mean, it's already sad, but you know. In a way, I like that you left the identity of the new girl hinted at but still a bit vague.

This was so good! I'm really glad I saw this story today :)

♥ ♥ ♥
Kristin

Author's Response: KRISTEN OH MY GOD I WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING AT ALL AND I SAW THIS AND WOW.

Thank you so so much for the review man!! I really am around a lot-- mostly reading though (life's a bit hectic this year but hopefully I'll be back soon).

And thank you again! I really did want it to be vague and 2nd person was actually chosen to enhance the pain, so I'm glad you noticed that!

And honestly i have no idea who the girl lily's girlfriend was seeing is actually I didn't even write Lily's girlfriends name into it intentionally too! It was all meant to be vague and confusing and I'm glad that worked.

Thanks again for the review Kristen! You actually made my day!

Curie xx


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Review #3, by marauderfanSeven Hills: Prologue

8th September 2016:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review from HPFT. Sorry about the delay!

This is really cool. I love this first chapter - it's so different from everything else I see here, and your writing style really stands out. I don't read a huge amount of AU so that makes this particularly interesting to me, what you've done to make this world your own.

I really love your descriptions.
as the night grew uneasy and the flames from the braziers guttered to cinders. -- like this one, it's so vivid. The whole way through though the chapter, you provide perfect detail - not lengthy descriptions of everything, but focus. You draw attention to the small details, like dying flames or the one guard's chipped tooth, as a way of being very specific but not heavy handed with the description and it's so effective. I love it.

As for characterization: Portia is clearly someone who is used to having her way, and above all having control. And, well, Tom is much the same, which makes their relationship very interesting to me. I can see what drew them together in the beginning, and why it would never work with such clashing personalities. And she still loves him (and he probably knows it), and hates that weakness about herself but still loves him - ah, so many complex feels about this. I love the characterization of both of them and the way they interact is fascinating, with their history sitting heavy between them.

As for plot, I do really like it so far, though there's not a huge amount I can say about the plot seeing as it's just the first chapter. But you've set it up well with all the political and emotional games here, and clearly there's a lot of interesting history (which looks like it'll be the basis for the story, given that this is a prologue). So based on what's here, the plot is very interesting!

My CC is pretty minimal, because on the whole this chapter is well polished. There's a line at the beginning when Portia tells the house elf to tell Tom she will see him now, which makes it sound like she's waiting for him to come to her (which I realize is what she wants, haha) but then goes to visit him, so why is she telling the house elf to tell him she's coming when she's almost there? (I'm not sure I articulated this very well, but basically - that line could potentially be reworded for clarity... but maybe that was just the way I read it)

A couple of typos-
Portia shook him off at once and entered of her own violation -- Here, I think you meant 'volition'

it forced its way passed her lips -- should be 'past'.

All that small stuff aside, this is a REALLY powerful start to your story, and I loved this introduction! Portia is a really vibrant character, and even after one chapter her personality is quite well developed. And Tom is really interesting in this context as well. I'm so eager to see what you do with these characters. Very well done! ♥

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Review #4, by marauderfanElaborate Lives: The Siege

8th September 2016:
(transferred review)

RENEE ♥

At dawn, the light spread across the lake like dye in fabric. -- this is such a wonderful visual!! Honestly, ALL of your descriptions in this are beautiful. I'm just going to sum it up like that, otherwise I'd probably be quoting every other line back to you to point out how beautifully worded it is. But it is - your word choice is so deliberate and delicate, it really sets the reader into the time period so effectively.

I don't know why Founders Era is often overlooked, but to me it's one of the most interesting eras for HP fanfiction there is. It's just so different from any of the more modern eras and there's so much that you can do while still within the confines of canon since canon is pretty scant. Besides, it's just a really interesting time historically. Aside from mine, I can't think of any other Founders era stories I know of that even discuss the Vikings, when the invasions were a huge deal back then, so I'm really glad you included that in yours. I'm interested to see where that plot will go. (-:3
(the 3 is raised eyebrows :P )

You've also done a great job with Helena's character even after only one chapter, as well as Lora in the brief scene she was in. And by the way, I think that comparison between the two of them did well at explaining Helena's motives for staying around to fight in the battle, despite not liking battle the way Lora does. You've also given a pretty good indication of Helena's relationships with those around her, such as her mother, and Salazar. The glimpses of the other two Founders, even though only a glimpse, perfectly capture the personalities of those two - Godric leading a host into battle, and Helga reassuring and helping those who are preparing to fight.

The description of the battle was really cleverly done. It's blurred and vague and rushed, but in honesty that makes perfect sense, especially for someone who doesn't regularly fight in battle. It's a new thing for her, and everything is confusion and happens so fast. To me it kind of reads as if she's just there, in the midst of battle, but not necessarily fighting, if that makes sense. If you wanted, you could add detail about what Helena specifically is doing (i.e. is she holding her wand, or the dagger?) but it's not necessary. It's really good already, that's just a suggestion :)

HOW can you end the chapter with that cliff hanger though. I guess it wasn't even a cliff hanger, it was one step further than that, like falling over a cliff. aah! That's cruel of you :P but very effective as I am so eager to read the next chapter already.

If you hadn't guessed yet, I loved this chapter and I love this story! Amazing work - it really doesn't feel like your first ever Founders, it's as natural as if you'd been writing Founders forever.

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Review #5, by marauderfanLa Salvezza: Inferno

5th September 2016:
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Where to start! Aah, this is just... amazing.

I love all the metaphors and imagery and the flame motif that occurs throughout. Your writing style, as always, is incredible - it's so rich and layered and so unique. There are about 50 lines in this chapter I'd love to quote back to you in my review, and most of them are long, and I think it'd probably end up being the whole chapter quoted back to you by the time I finished! But every line you write, every phrase, it's so well crafted and practically a work of art - a complex weaving of description and metaphor in every sentence. I don't know how you do it. You're such a talented writer.

The way this story draws inspiration from the Divine Comedy and mirrors Hell in Gellert's imprisonment in Nurmengard - this is so brilliant and I love the way you wove the themes of suffering and religion and atonement. I find it very believable that Gellert would not regret the actions of his past self nor have any want to atone for them. And in this he seems to have some sort of bitter enjoyment in the idea that Albus is probably trapped in suffering too, guilt about his past. While Gellert is trapped in the physical building of Nurmengard, which is Hell for him, Albus is no less trapped but it's in his own mind, as he can't forgive himself, and that's a brilliant juxtaposition, especially the way you enhanced it by interspersing the fire imagery. The style, and the way you worked those themes together so cohesively, are really admirable.

I also love that you had a few sentences in there about Gellert thinking about his parents and his sisters and brothers. I think, due to the fact that he arrived in Godric's Hollow alone when he met Albus, it's easy to forget that he had a family back home, and that he wasn't just a completely independent, solitary being. What I loved was how something as simple as him remembering his family puts him in such a different context than he is usually portrayed in.

Tell me, what makes something right? ... -- this whole paragraph is so, so good. What does make something right? A question even the philosophers have never figured out, and it's just so interesting here because probably some of those questions apply to Gellert, who, after all, probably thought he was doing the right thing. Its not like his Muggle domination thing was like "Imma just be really evil because I can"; he thought he was doing something for the 'greater good', however deluded he was in its correctness. But yeah, what is it that defines good? The intent? The ratio of beneficial/harmful outcomes? this is just such an interesting thing to think about and I love that you included that subject in here and in this context.

Ooh also I noticed that mention of Albus being half English and half Indian, which I'm sure is a reference to that one-shot you wrote about Kendra (which I loved, btw) and I loved that little connection there :)

Thank you for writing this beautiful story for me. ♥ Your dedication was so sweet, btw! I'm so lucky to have had you as my gifter :) And you're a wonderful friend too! *hugs*

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Review #6, by marauderfanCase Study of Lily Evans & James Potter: An Exploration and Analysis of the Development and Root Cause of Attraction Between Two Teenage Subjects

1st September 2016:
Gift Tag!

Em, this is gold. I might even say that it's Au. (Not AU.)

I think this has got to be the most original James/Lily piece I've ever seen. I've read parody Jily, fluffy ones, sad ones, but never a scientific article explaining how Lily went from hate to love. I love how well thought out everything is - clearly a lot of research went into this study.

I did notice however that it was missing an abstract. :P Perhaps that will aid in its submission to the journal of your choice.

Bahahahaha all these references are hilarious too. I mean, the rest of the fic takes itself seriously, or at least pretends to, but the references are just like LOLOLOLOL. Absolutely Completely Legitimate and Ethical and Undoubtedly Trustworthy Journal of Psychology, -- Oh this is my favorite scientific journal! The Not Freud one made me laugh too but I don't think I can copy and paste it here due to a couple of the words :P Also the fact that the section of James' diary used in this study is like 1700 pages haha

P.S. I would also like to inform S. Black that he has been fined 50 galleons for manipulating and potentially falsifying data in such a groundbreaking study.

Awesome story, Em :D

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Review #7, by marauderfanTwo Birds, One Stone: Two

1st September 2016:
Here with your requested review! :)

Deamus as parents, aahh! This is really sweet, and haha I love that you put in how Hannah is such a typical teenager regarding having conversations with her parents. She clearly loves them, but there's also this hint of 'ughhh dads, just let me live my lifeee!' haha which I love because it's so accurate XD

Also I can't believe she left such a delicious sounding breakfast mostly untouched.

sometimes even he could surprise me.
Which is what I was,

-- here, I don't think the transition works 100%, probably because it's a verb in the first sentence and an adjective in the second. like, the word "which" doesn't seem to apply to anything there. I think it might sound better if the second sentence starts out "And surprised is what I was" or something.

Ahh, the scene where they practice kissing/being a couple, was so... awkward. haha. Not your writing, but just, all the awkwardness Hannah feels and all her confusion radiate clearly off the page, so as a reader I feel just as weird about it as she does. Which means that you've done a wonderful job writing this part, since it's so easy to feel what Hannah feels here.

Also... James. I wonder if he is actually interested in Nat at all, as he claims to be. After all, he seems very comfortable with everything and with kissing Hannah. :P

Also, James and Hannah 100% won the battle of wits with Ben and no-name-blonde. Haha. Ouch. :P

Aaand the media has found them. That certainly didn't take long! You know, one thing that comes to mind - they never really discussed how long they're going to keep up this charade. Just... indefinitely? :P

Okay. So! Characterization seemed very consistent with the first chapter, and built up the characters more. I like seeing more of the snarky side of Hannah, because in the first chapter we only really saw her like immediately post-breakup when she was understandably glum. This seems like more of the real her.
And Ben is as much of a shallow jerk as he was before.
James is even more of a smooth talker. I don't trust him. :P

As for descriptions: I think they are definitely sufficient. You have a good balance between dialogue and narrative of what things look like/what is happening.

I'm kind of curious why neither Seamus or Dean like James. I'm pretty sure I know why Seamus is weird about Ginny, because I know you :P but I can't think why they're both quite dismissive of James even though he's been Hannah's friend since birth.

I like your new summary a lot better, btw. It's great!

(ps oops I should never do reviews at night because this review does not follow any pattern and jumps topics all over the place, I'm sorry :P )

This was a great chapter, Jill! ♥

Author's Response: Kristin, I love your reviews. They're just so detailed and well thought-out, and I might request them purely for selfish reasons, but I wanted to say how much I appreciate them!

I'm glad you loved that scene. I really wanted to show her with a supportive family, but there's some tension in certain aspects as well, like all families have. Whatever you do mean, you might know why Seamus is weird about Aunt Ginny?! Haha :P

I know, I really wanted that breakfast for myself! Geez girl.

James *is* very comfortable with kissing Hannah, isn't he? Hmm, I wonder what that might be about. He really is interested in Nat, though - or at least, he thinks he is. *innocent whistling*

I'm so glad it was awkward! I didn't want it to be one of those "EVERYTHING FELT AMAZING, WAT IS THIS". I wanted it to be "omg I'm kissing my best friend, WAT IS THIS" so I'm so glad that that came across well! :D I had a lot of fun writing that scene, though.

Erm, that's totes my fault, because I didn't really put a timeframe on it, haha! I'll be sure to include that next chapter. Hannah, no doubt, has noticed that by now.

I'm glad you like the snarky side of Hannah; I wanted her to be her own person too, to not rely so much on James for humor. She can definitely hold her own, and I'm glad that came across in this chapter as well - and I wanted her to wallow, but not be horribly depressed about it, either.

You don't trust James?! :D Errr keep on that. ♥

Ooh, thanks! I've been trying to work on description balance, so I'm happy there's a good one here.

They *like* James, for the most part. There's *certain parts* of James they don't like. I'll leave that to you to ponder...

Thanks! I actually had some help with it from my friend Liz, but it summarizes it a lot better.

(don't even worry about it)

Thanks for the great review!!
♥Jill


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Review #8, by marauderfanMaking You Smile: It

31st August 2016:
Okay. So, I was going to read the next chapter of MTR but then I saw your author's note asking for no reviews yet. So, I'm here instead.

Aw, this is a cute little story. Based on Molly's mention of OWLs I gather that this takes place while she's still at Hogwarts, and I can't help but wonder who the mystery admirer is, since there's no name! I have a feeling it's Cedric Wood from MTR, since I know he went to Hogwarts as well and I think he was friends with Joseph. Or is he just someone from her past who didn't go to Oakshaft with her? Guess we'll never know :P

Either way, this is a really sweet, fluffy story and I loved this little moment between them.

"You'll be there" - gah, that's cute. ♥

ooh also a small thing, I love that you included the detail of her switching her broom between hands a lot as a nervous habit, as I noticed she did that in MTR as well. It's such a little detail but I loved the consistency of her quirks. :D

Great story!

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Review #9, by marauderfanMaking the Reserves: Making Mr. Wood's Good Books

31st August 2016:
EVEN MORE GIFT TAG!

Aw, yeah the divisions of teams would totally make a divide socially as well. I hope Molly doesn't get too much grief about being in first string. I felt bad for her that she thought it was because of her name rather than her talent - that would be tough, as she is trying to make a name for herself when Weasley is already such a big name in Quidditch.

Woohoo! Quidditch! I thought you did a great job writing the game. I always feel I'm rubbish at writing Quidditch matches but you do a great job of putting the reader in Molly's mind and seeing what she's seeing during the game.

I can't believe she stood on her broom during the game. Like... danger aside, it would make you go slower! But I guess it's worth it for the shock value, and how easily it distracts the other team - no one would be expecting that sort of stunt at all. And attracting the attention of recruiters looking for people who stand out. So that was effective, for sure, and strategic thinking on her part. But like... leaping off your broom mid-game and then summoning it while you free fall?? That girl is fearless. :O

I really like Vicki. She seems nice, and I love how easily she and Molly click. And, maybe I'm reading too much into it but the way she was kind of shy and blushing around Molly, and the nervous hair twirling... I ship them. I know you had a poll going on the forums about which guy Molly should be with but I say Vicki. :D There's chemistry there, I see it!

*climbs into canoe and raises flag* This ship is sailing! Don't worry I have a bucket to bail out water just in case

Omg that professor just told them that PS, YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR MONTHS INSTEAD OF NINE UNTIL YOU TAKE YOUR NEWTS! MUAHAHA SURPRISE?! that would be the worst. I can't imagine having that kind of news dropped on me and I feel bad for the students. Especially because Molly HAS to get outstandings on her NEWTS now that she got that new broom. :P

Wonderful chapter!!

And on to the next one :D

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Review #10, by marauderfanThe Harder They Fall: Stand and Deliver

30th August 2016:
BIANCA! ♥ ♥ ♥ I am here with many hugs and also this fact: Did you know that wood frogs, which can live above the Arctic Circle, hibernate by freezing completely solid?

And also I'm here with your requested review.

Why is Finn sitting around listening to Tom Riddle and failing at spells when he could be eating dinner? I thought he had more sense than that. :P

Wow, Tom is definitely becoming a lot more Voldemorty and it's really easy to see how he eventually becomes Voldemort. That line about "not by his side, but I will rule" -- eek! Dun dun dun...

Oh my. Family drama for the Avery's. Ben isn't very good at playing it cool, anyone can see right through the way he just angsted his way out of the dormitory haha.

Finn has such high hopes about how his project of kidnapping and threatening will turn out. Ah, Finn *shakes head*

Yikes, that was an intense dueling club meeting. Finn kind of comes across as pathetic here because he's obviously so desperate for Tom to like him, and still at the end Tom and Malfoy are whispering together and ignore Finn.

Also do you have to keep reminding me about Hero? :( It's sad. But also I think it says so much that Finn still cares and things keep reminding him of her. Things like this make me think that when Finn finds out about Tom's role in her death, he will instantly stop being on Tom's side. In his heart if not officially.

Birds flying low overhead is a big deal. I sympathise, Finn!

Lol, of course his owl is named Adonis. I don't know why I found this so hilarious but it is.

I like that Brindley isn't afraid to be blunt and say that Finn is basically a sheep following Tom around. The one question I had about this section is why Brindley is reading that book in the owlery. Like, she comes up there to find moths, and next Finn looks at her she's reading about Brocken Spectres. Is that just to pass the time until she senses a moth is in the area? While I love that this is how the Knights of Walpurgis discussion came up, I think it could use a tiny bit of clarification ;)

Ooh, and the Knights of Walpurgis make their first appearance. I like that it was Finn's idea, and of course that the original Death Eaters names came from something mentioned by a Hufflepuff who is like the complete opposite of them :P And that it started out as simply the name for their dueling club - you're doing really well at building all of this up.

I especially like that all that dramatic build up happens just before this line: He stepped back to admire his handiwork - and their number of points - pleased to have done something with dignity before he went to hunt bugs. -- hahaha.
Did he find any millipedes?

Bahaha, Finn just can't abide the fact that Brindley doesn't find him attractive. Please tell me that next time he sees her he's going to be like, casually flexing his biceps or something in an attempt to show off and change her mind. XD

oh man I can 100% relate to Finn having issues concentrating and having to work 10x as hard for his grades. That is me. It sucks. Poor Finn!

Oh no :( I think your writing of Tom is PERFECT in this last bit though, everything from his slimy ingratiating himself with the professors in order to sneak information out of the office, to torturing Finn when he failed to get the information. What is it going to take for him to realize he's better off out of Tom's group? Or is he just in too deep now? *bites nails in worrying about Finn*

This was a great chapter! Things are really starting to get intense now and aaah. !!! Excellent work ♥

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Review #11, by marauderfanSurvival of the Fittest: Tell me that isn't Harry Potter

30th August 2016:
Your reviewing spree on my stories has made me decide to attack your page with love and reviews.

Bahahaha, her description of what she imagines Harry will look like! Golden eagles perching on him XD Omg, I saw this amazing nature video once where golden eagles were literally picking up mountain goats and carrying them over valleys, it was so epic and impressive. /tangent

I feel like I could fill up a whole review just quoting the great things that Riya thinks/says. Such as this: I thrive in madness! Iím the queen of chaos!
Or this: Okay, but Voldemort was pure evil. I'm pure awesome - hahaha

The Potters really are doing this in style! The fancy tents that are more plush than how I live in RL haha.

he was suspiciously nerdy for a Hufflepuff. -- I have never related to Theo as much as I do in this moment. Now I think he is my spirit animal.

Also, thank goodness for Theo. I think he's the only reason the Potters are civil toward Riya at all, as he's trying to be friendly and offer to help. At least Riya helps with the dishes, which is definitely something.

I was curious about who he knew that was now dead, but it would be rude to ask. -- I'm curious as well, but I also don't want to know because then I'm gonna be sad. :(

Bahaha and Riya wins again with that last line. I really love her as a character. Same with Theo. I love them as individuals and how they balance each other out. The Potters seem very cranky and annoyed thus far, but I really can't blame them. :P I'm excited to see how things develop now that they're forcing the Potters to provide hospitality to them.

Eee, this story is so good. ♥

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Review #12, by marauderfanMaking the Reserves: Making First String

29th August 2016:
Thank goodness for Cedric to shout some sense at her. Seriously, going that fast and standing on her broom... it's like balancing on a speeding twig 50 feet above the ground. I'm not surprised that she fell off.

Good for her friends for having lightning quick reflexes though. Omg, that must have been so terrifying for everyone involved.

Aw, I kind of feel bad for the people who only made Second String. like, clearly they're exceptional Quidditch players or they wouldn't be there, and they're there to be good at Quidditch, but only day 1 and the authority figures are already saying they're not likely to be chosen for reserve teams. :( Are second string able to advance when they improve? I guess they have to separate people somehow though. If people are able to move up to first string, it sounds a bit like the system of varsity/JV, so I like how you kind of adapted that - but yeah it'd be hard when there's only seven slots!
*is too much of a Hufflepuff for any sort of divisive competition*

you do a really good job of writing the teenage mindset, and I find your characters really believable. Everything from their rebellious disregard of rules (whether it's about broom safety or about using fake ID's), to the way friendships are formed and disintegrate, they feel like real people, and to me, characters are the most important part of any story.

This is a great chapter! I love the way you've continued to develop the world of Oakshaft Academy and the culture of the students there. Lovely work, Lo :)

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Review #13, by marauderfanMaking the Reserves: Making it to the Academy

29th August 2016:
Hi Lo! (haha. does this joke get old to you?) Anyway, I'm here from the gift tag!

Oh no, falling dreams are the worst! Especially when you're a Quidditch player, I imagine.

Watching a quidditch match with the Weasley family would be quite an event, with everyone so loud about their own team, and with so many teams in the mix! Makes me wonder who gave her the Magpies t-shirt when she was a kid.

Your characterization is stellar, btw! I love how you've introduced Molly and her mother and even in only a few short sentences I feel like I know them. Her family are all super sweet! Also LOL at Percy for essentially bribing his daughter with a really great broom to remind her to get E's and O's on her NEWTs :P

I found the bit about Fleur's saint necklace really interesting, and I love that you included that. I don't often see religion of any kind mentioned in HP fanfic, so I thought what you did with that was really cool and I like the way you show these things about the characters rather than tell.

You also do a really good job describing that feeing of anxiousness and excitement that comes before something big like going to a new school or a new phase of your life, particularly when you're on the way there.

I love that you mentioned how her Aunt Ginny is even more of a big deal there than Harry is. Everyone always remarks on how Harry is important and famous, but it's nice to see Ginny getting some of that glory (as she should, in a fic about Quidditch!) :D

Leave it to Percy to know all about which brooms are the safest!

Aw, I love how quickly she and Juliette became friends. It kind of feels like camp in a way

I have to say I love your world-building. You've included just the right amount of detail that I can clearly imagine what the school looks like, and the way you've come up with their different names for things (the Canteen) and stuff, it's so well formed already and you did a great job with that.

If it's okay to give you some cc, I noticed that the first four paragraphs (after the dream) all begin with the word I. If you go back to edit, maybe that'd be something to mix up a little just for sentence variety, but it's not really important.

And here: the sleek shape causing my breath to be taken away -- this seemed unnecessarily wordy/in passive voice, I think it might sound better as just "the sleek shape took my breath away".

Okay that's it for cc, I honestly loved the rest of it. What a great start to this fic! I can't wait to read more!

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Review #14, by marauderfanSelfietastic: #QueenoftheSelfie

28th August 2016:
Bahahahaha Tammi this is glorious. So happy to know this story exists. Wow Sirius is such a complex character! :P I also love the historical accuracy, regarding all the twitter, and of course his medieval betrothal that he narrowly avoided. (to Barry Kinder Egg... hahaha what a name. I know his real name was longer but I'm sure he goes by Barry Kinder Egg for short/ I'm too lazy to type it all out) Thank you for all the laughs! :D

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Review #15, by marauderfanA 1960s Cadillac: The Art of Angst

28th August 2016:
This is such a great story about Angsty Silences Potter. Or is it Albus Severus? eh, same letters, same thing.

Angst is so difficult to look past so he needs a girl that will be willing to forget her social life for him. -- Did you just sum up all the bad fanfics I've ever read? Yes. Yes you did. :D

It's like if I suddenly went around and told everyone to call me - to call me - Alsevter or something! It's ridiculous." -- I'm telling him, there's always Angsty Silences!

Matty Matthew growls. "Your in 'Claw territory now, Potty."
"First of all, you're*.
-- THIS IS THE BEST QUOTE FROM THE STORY. OR IN FACT ANY STORY I HAVE EVER SEEN. I like actually guffawed out loud at this. Yes, guffawed.

The fingers crossed being such a plot point XD HAhaha, I just can't with this story.

his eyes are closed so it's dark and he thinks he's looking at his soul. This is so brilliant

cashew eyes :P She's really a nut, isn't she. Ahaha.

Plums, this was BRILLIANT, thank you for writing such a wonderfully horrible story and sharing it with the world. I'm not sure whether it should be awarded an Outstanding or Troll. I think probably just "Outstanding Troll."

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Review #16, by marauderfanTwilight: Unbreakable Dawn

28th August 2016:
This is a literary masterpiece.

The end.

(Also, regarding Ed's 5 to 6 skills: I see what you did there.)

Author's Response: Why, thank you ;)

(I'm so glad you noticed)


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Review #17, by marauderfanThe Tantalizing Temptation of Teenage Tropes: The Tantalizing Temptation of Teenage Tropes

28th August 2016:
What an amazing work of art and adverbs. I also loved the description and the well developed plot. Their true love seems so realistic. You should be so proud of this story! XD

Author's Response: Oh thank you! You know, I really think it was a social commentary on the romanticized notions of young love. Very insightful. I'm quite proud! :P

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Review #18, by marauderfanThe Sorting Of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Are you sure?

27th August 2016:
MORE GIFT TAG ♥

I've never seen anything like this story before so I had to read this one! No one ever writes 11-year-old Dumbledore.

Omg, I am an idiot. Confession: when you mentioned the strange boy with auburn hair I was like "oh, I wonder who that is?" ... I forgot he had auburn hair. I forgot that he didn't have white hair when he was 11. XD *dies*

Hahaha, the lies about the sorting test (from siblings, etc) seems to be a tradition through the ages!

Albus is so entitled and sure of himself even at that age! Ha, of course he wants to show off his magical skill :P I honestly love reading Dumbledore like this, so incredibly different from the one we know from the books, but it's also possible to see how this bright, arrogant kid ended up as the wise, regretful old man of the books.

I love that you wrote a sorting hat song! I liked it. And I find it easy to believe that the sorting hat would re-use an occasional line from time to time. After 1000 years of coming up with songs it probably struggles to come up with totally original ones, so the reused last line absolutely fits :D

I love your reasoning as to why Albus ended up in Gryffindor, and I can absolutely see that being the case, especially that he had done enough introspection by that point to see that about himself. He would have been a really good Ravenclaw or Slytherin, for sure.

Aww, and I love that you included his friendship with Elphias Doge at the end (and a hint that Albus displayed characteristics of Hufflepuff as well).

This was so great! I would never have expected to find a story like this and it was such a joy to read. :)

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Review #19, by marauderfanThe Next Great Adventure: Chapter 6: A Pitch Black Dungeon

27th August 2016:
GIFT TAG ♥

the idea of Bellatrix's laughter echoing off all the walls in a dark space is TERRIFYING. I don't blame Dobby for wanting to run.

I almost... feel sorry for Bellatrix? Almost. I mean, I still very much hate her for killing off my favorite character but here she's just being left to die but can't die. All she can do is scream insults at people (which she still does very adeptly) but she's literally just chained to the floor to rot there. I can't believe you've made me feel sorry for her, after all she's done! But Dobby is right, Bellatrix isn't worth their time.

That bit about her killing Sirius again... I assume that's a lie. I assume. It has to be! ...right? I mean, Sirius is regularly more impulsive than sensible, but he was told that running after Harry would endanger Harry's chances (I'm pretty sure someone said that?) so I don't think he would run after him because as annoyed as he might be, he knowingly endanger Harry.

I think you wrote that forgiveness scene really well, and the 'motives' of the afterlife seem to be a bit clearer now. All the negative emotions, grudges, and hatreds during life are brought back and the person has to let go of all that negativity in order to pass, at least that's how it looks so far. Harry did well. I really liked what he said about all he'd lost to Bellatrix in his life, and how he wouldn't make that mistake again.

Kind of makes me wonder how Sirius and Snape get along in the afterlife, because we know Sirius is there, and, well, with Snape I'd guess that the good outweighed the bad, as we already know he had a lot of remorse, so I think he's probably in as well, but... would they have had to forgive each other? Would they be able to stick with it? I would love to see these two interact and how they've dealt with that very angry, bitter past between them. but yeah, kind of a sidetrack :P

Anyway... I don't think Bellatrix is gone for all eternity. I think she's around somewhere, but I don't know where. Part of me wonders if that was the real Bellatrix that Harry saw there, or if she was an illusion created just for Harry's test.

Your Dobby dialogue is really good. There was only one spot where it was a bit off, which was here, one of the last lines in the chapter: ďBut I is thinking we should find a way out -- I don't think Dobby uses first person much, you might want to change that to his name.

So anyway this is really good and I'm so glad I had a chance to come back and read more of it! What an amazing chapter!

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Review #20, by marauderfanTwo Birds, One Stone: One

26th August 2016:
Hiii Jill! I'm here with your review from HPFT!

Okay first things first: her surname is THOMAS-FINNEGAN which I am so happy about because yay for deamus.

Her ex is SUCH a jerk. There are a lot of words I want to use to describe him but most of them are not 12+ so I'll just say that I agree with James' assessment of him :P

OMG IT'S A FAKE DATING STORY. I have a secret weak spot for those if they're written well, and I know you write well, so I'm really excited for this :D I think the second half of the chapter really sets up the mood for the rest of the story, and it is light hearted with a touch of revenge and manipulation, so really, it's ideal. :P

Descriptions are good, particularly of the setting of the Leaky Cauldron when she walks in - enough to give the reader a sense of the atmosphere, and I like that you don't forget about that after you've introduced it (i.e. later, Hannah mentions people's heads turning towards her). You include a lot of visual details about James, so that's well done. There's not a huge amount of description of herself, but that's okay, especially considering that it's from first person pov. I mean, you don't want to overload the reader with something like "I have auburn hair that reaches halfway down my back, brown eyes, and I am 5'3" with a long neck. I have a freckle on my chin, and my eyelashes are long and thick." haha so yeah what you have is good for a start, it's kind of just a basic description of her (her hair colour). You could maybe include another detail about her in this chapter, but otherwise I think a more detailed description can definitely be built up naturally as the story goes on.

So the main thing you asked about was characterization. I think you've done really well with this so far through the actions of your characters. James comes across as impulsive and very protective. Hannah strikes me as more of a planner, someone who really thinks about things before deciding what to do, but as she's pretty distraught in this one, her agreement to James' plan seemed more like it was motivated by her distraughtness than something she would do normally. I kind of wonder if she's going to have second thoughts when she has time to think about it! Regardless, I think you've done well at establishing the characters. :)

A few items of CC:
At the beginning Hannah says that James is her best friend, but later on she says Natalie is her best friend. Are all her friends her best friend, or are they like, equal as they both have the status of BFF, or... I guess this is a picky thing but could be good to maybe specify?

This might not be important to you, but I seem to remember in the DH epilogue Harry mentions that Albus is the only one of his kids who has green eyes. Again, not important, but if you're a canon nut maybe it's a thing to look into :P

and last, here: she all but laughed in my life -- that's probably meant to say 'face'

okay, I think that's all :) I really enjoyed this first chapter, thanks for requesting! Of course please feel free to re-request whenever chapter 2 goes up! :)

Author's Response: Oh hello, Kristin!!

Yay for Deamus! I'm super excited to write them as dads in a story because I've wanted to for a while. I'm glad people are as excited about the idea as I am!

I LOVE FAKE DATING TOO! But I've surprisingly never written it. I'm glad you're on board with that too :D

Ooh, thank you. I've been trying to work on balancing my descriptions by adding more detail without it being too overwhelming, so I'm glad that it seems to work well here. I'm not huge on description when I read, so I'm trying to find the nice balance when I write as well. And wait a minute, you DON'T want a super clear image of what she looks like?! :P

I like that you're able to nail personalities based on their actions. That's exactly what I'm going for, so their relationship seems to balance each other well. She keeps him in line and makes sure he doesn't do stupid things. sometimes. And about the second thoughts... *innocent whistling* XD

You know, that's a good point. I'll try and specify that more; James has been her friend since childhood, but Nat's only been her friend since Hogwarts. It's a best girl friend/best guy friend sort of deal, but I'll try to make that clearer in chapter 2.

Ooh, I didn't know that! I'll go back and edit :D

lol, I totally meant to say "face" and I totally giggled when I read that. Thanks for pointing it out!

Thanks so much for the lovely review! I might take you up on that offer ;)

♥ Jill


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Review #21, by marauderfanStorge: Storge

22nd August 2016:
Hi Bex! This is for Gift Tag!

I love stories about Ariana, so I was really excited to read this. And what a great POV you've used here. It can be hard to write characters in first-person who are a little out of touch with what's going on around them, because they don't really see themselves as out of touch with their surroundings. They just see their surroundings in a different way. And that's what you've done here, in a way that says a lot about Ariana.

It feels very appropriate that you chose to write kind of a stream-of-consciousness pattern to this. It jumps around a lot, focusing repeatedly on certain themes such as goats and eyes, and she says very little out loud compared to all that's going on in her head. In her head, this flow of thoughts makes perfect sense to her, but to an outsider who only hears what she says out loud, she would seem to be not entirely there, hence the pity she gets from Gellert and from her brothers - but unlike how they assume she is, she knows that they pity her and she doesn't like it. She knows she's sick, at the end. But she sees a lot more than everyone else gives her credit for.

I also like the way you gave an insight into how Ariana felt. Among other things it's plain she suffers from anxiety, what with how she has to remind herself to breathe. I really liked the way you showed that so clearly without having to 'tell' anything. The whole story really is a great example of 'showing rather than telling', you did a great job with that.

This is really lovely! I'm so glad I stopped by to read it!

Author's Response: hey!

I don't see Ariana as having anything 'wrong' with her, and I'm sure Ariana wouldn't either, which is why I wrote her as any 'normal' person, but just with a different outlook. I knew third person wouldn't do for this kind of story, because it might distance her too much. I'm glad you think it worked!

I've done a few stream-of-consciousness exercises before at uni, but they were more for drama based stuff, but it made it a lot easier and fun to write rather than just straight 1st or 3rd person.

I think she would've had anxiety, I mean she's aware that she can't control her magic, and I think the effects of that would be a lot of panic attacks afterwards. But in that period anxiety definitely wasn't really known of or spoken about (v early 1900s??? I don't think people acknowledged mental health, i may be wrong.), and i suspect that the wizarding world would be the same.

Such a lovely review, it's nice to see someone who loves Ariana just as much as I do!! Thank you :D

Bex


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Review #22, by marauderfanThe Harder They Fall: A New Day

22nd August 2016:
Gift tag! I couldn't resist coming back to read more.

Finn. Seriously this is what, the second day of school, and he's already given up on the idea of punctuality. Oh well. I can't complain if it sets him up with Brindley.

Legitimate medical reasons...? like... a cold? please say it's nothing worse

"The pretty things are dangerous" -- something Hero found out the hard way, but I think it's fair to say butterflies aren't dangerous. Nor is Brindley, just FYI Finn. Maybe she's dangerous to his current status as Tom's BFF, but that's a good thing :P

Broken hearts were weak. -- *SOBS* I know Finn would not appreciate my sympathy, but I just feel so bad for him here.

WOAH, so Grindelwald is planning to hold Illegitimate Potter Child hostage until his father gives up the Invisibility Cloak? (I'm assuming) Eek.

I really don't like the way Jameson treats his son. It seems to me he's just using him as a piece in a game, so to speak - he cares about him as a son, I'm sure, but equally so, he cares about Finn in terms of what Finn can do for Jameson's cause, without thinking of whether or not Finn even wants to be involved. Ugh.

Also, Finn is SUCH a jerk, blowing smoke at Brindley just to be obnoxious. Hahaha. I still like him as a character though, but for this I kind of want to smack him over the head with a book.

Aww, poor Sebastian! I can't blame him for reacting towards Finn as he did, but that must hurt. I hope Finn starts to open his eyes after this, because his second-year cousin sees more than he does...

And stealing from the Headmaster? Bold move. Of course Tom would have Finn do it instead, but that's got to be a daunting task. I mostly want him to fail, except then Tom will probably make some tragic "accident" befall him. O__O

This was a great chapter though! I love the way the story is shaping up!

Author's Response: Oh bless you. I'm so happy you're back!

Yeah, Finn wouldn't appreciate your sympathy, but I do, if that means anything :P

You assume right! That's Grindelwald's plan, dun dun duuun.

You have no idea how much I laughed at you wanting to smack Finn over the head with a book, hahaha!

Thanks so much again Kristin! Always so amazing to hear from you ♥


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Review #23, by marauderfanFallen: The Birthday

21st August 2016:
Yesss!!! I am so stoked there's a sequel to Complicated, and especially that it's from Cassie's POV. Oh man and it already starts out with a heap of angst and heartbreak, I know I'm going to love it. :D

Cassie is definitely different than how she used to be as a teenager, but it's subtle - exactly the way change is as someone grows up. But in a lot of ways she's the same too; she still has that same tendency to run from her problems and hurt people in the process, without really thinking about consequences. I wonder if that's what she did with her kid, like gave it up for adoption or something, because there's been no mention of the kid so far, and knowing Cassie, taking care of a child was too much for her as a seventeen year old so she probably ran from that responsibility as well. But... I find her POV really compelling, and I can't wait to read more of this story.

This is awesome. I know you said at the beginning of chapter 1 that you weren't planning to write this story but I am so glad you did!

Author's Response: Yay I'm so glad you enjoyed reading! I know I said I wasn't planning to write this but I think deep down I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist. I'm enjoying Cassie's point of view a lot.

Thanks for reviewing :) xx


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Review #24, by marauderfanSurvival of the Fittest: We're being followed

21st August 2016:
Gift tag! I couldn't resist coming back!

If the entire world would just take a few measures to not be [non 12+] the world would be such a better place. -- PREACH. but like actually this is SO TRUE, and so simple!

Wow, the little snippets of back story here about the characters - that's heartbreaking about Theo's sister. And even more than events, you're so good at showing rather than telling what his and Riya's relationship is like, how she can read him so easily, and they can predict each other's actions.

I love the background on the goblins. So much. What I appreciate most is that you make the 'villains' understandable - yes, they're taking over and have created the mess that all of Britain's wizards currently find themselves in, but they were being used as a scapegoat by the wizarding community and blamed for wizards' problems and they're fighting back. I love that the 'enemy' is complicated here, and that even though I worry for the protagonists of the story, I can sympathise with the goblins as well.

But what do they do with the taken people? Hostages? Or killed? eek

What are Harry and his family doing there? And given Riya's paranoia about him being there, I can't help but wonder whose side the Potters are on... otherwise wouldn't she be happier to see other people? things are about to get very interesting. things were already interesting, but this is a whole new level of interesting.

Great chapter once again!

Author's Response: Hi! :D

It's so easy! Why can't people just try!

I'm so glad you say that because I usually struggle with telling instead of showing so I had to keep going back and editing it in to make it sound more natural.

Understandable villains are my favorite villains because a little part of me is kinda cheering on the goblins as they go be completely savage.

That is the question of the hour! It will be exposed though!

The Potters are all kinds of complicated during this war. And the Weasleys. Hermione has always been on the side of intelligent creatures, y'know!

Thank you so much for such a lovely review!


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Review #25, by marauderfanThe Harder They Fall: Left Behind

21st August 2016:
GIFT TAG

So um. Somehow this story has been sitting here for months and I haven't read it yet, despite how much I loved Hero. I'm here to remedy that.

Before we even begin I'm so excited to be reading about Finn. Throughout Hero's story there were hints that Finn was kind of having second thoughts at times, and I'm really looking forward to this insight into his mind. Also I know there's a Slytherpuff romance and I have a weakness for those. :D

A spider bite. An allergic reaction. Preventable. But Finn hadnít been there, hadnít been able to protect her as a brother should.
Now he wasnít a brother at all.
-- guh this just kills me :'( Also, I wonder how long it will be before Finn finds out the truth about his sister's death. And whether Tom will tell him, or whether Finn will accidentally discover the truth...

ďIf youíre going to die, can you do it quietly?Ē -- *narrows eyes at Bianca* THIS BETTER NOT BE FORESHADOWING. After the final chapter of Hero I really don't know what to expect from you. Don't do it. I'm suspicious mainly because of Saffron's reaction. What was she doing?

The resurrection stone appears. The previous owner 'no longer had need of it'... yeah, that's one way to put it.

Hahahaha at Radbourne convincing Benedict to go to the meeting with Slughorn because "There's food". Hilarious because it's so true that this is a sure way to get anyone to go to a meeting!

WAND JOKES. XD Of course, this is a group of teenage boys, I shouldn't have expected otherwise. And Tom doesn't even laugh! He has about as much of a sense of humour as plasterboard.

Ahh and that last section is so sad. Particularly how he admits (to himself) that she was what he wanted to be, and that he knows he is what she was afraid to become. like, he doesn't really think a whole lot about what exactly it is he's doing and how much he personally aligns with it, but he's self-aware enough to realize that he envies Hero in how she's not like him. Cue angsting from Finn in upcoming chapters as he struggles with who he is and figures out Tom's role in Hero's death and/or simply grows tired of Tom's lack of a sense of humour.

This is great so far. I can't wait to read more. :D

Author's Response: YAY Kristin! I'm SO glad you're here! Welcome ;) I'm ready to break hearts all over again?

What? Nothing.

Kristin, I'm shocked that you think I would foreshadow such things :P But I like how I'm clearly going to be keeping you on your toes throughout this story! Muahaha.

I'm glad you like the boys! My first time writing such a group of people, and I was nervous about it, but if it's coming out like I wanted, then I'm happy :D

Oh yes. Cue the angst.

Thanks so much for stopping by Kristin! Much love ♥ ♥ ♥


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