Reading Reviews From Member: MC_HK
148 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MC_HKAncient Wonder: Ancient Wonder

1st March 2014:
GvS Blackout 1/10

Hello! I have to say, I really enjoyed this :) I like the friendship you having going on between these girls, it's obvious that they are close enough to joke around with each other. Speaking of which, you gave them each a distinct personality, which is something I always enjoy reading in stories. I also relate to Lily, since I would totally be the same way if I ever got the chance to go to Rome :)

I only noticed a missing words, but other than that, it was very well written and mistake free!


Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you for stopping by and sorry for taking so long to respond!

I love these three girls and so it means a lot that you see the closeness between them and the different relationships they have. I was definitely like Lily when I was lucky enough to visit Rome!

Ooh, I'll have a look out for the pesky missing word! Thanks for letting me know!

Lauren :)

 Report Review

Review #2, by MC_HKGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Chapter 7

28th February 2014:
I miss youuu :(

Anyways, this is a freaking AWESOME chapter. You showed really good development for Sadie and her relationship with Ginny. The way you wrote their scene really painted a vivid picture of Sadie's past and how it ties into her present and her emotions. Basically, I understood what you were trying to accomplish, and you did it with really good writing.

FRED. OH FRED. HOW I LOVE THEE. I am sensing there is some Fradie (yeah, I just did that) going to happen soon, and I can't wait! No, really, I can't wait and I' screaming. Loudly.

I am so excited you're adding more to this again! WE!

--Monica :)

Author's Response: Aw, what a way to start a review. Now you're gonna make me cry... I miss you, too.

But I'm so glad you liked the chapter! I was worried it would be boring, but people seem to have enjoyed it. It was fun to give Sadie a friend for once, and let her be a normal girl.

Fradie? Hehehe. You gave them their own name. Nice. LOL. And there might be, but I intend for this relationship to move slowly, so don't get TOO excited yet.

Thanks again for reading. You are the best.

 Report Review

Review #3, by MC_HKHarry Potter and the Plot of Power: 00 Prologue

16th February 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review!

This is really intriguing, because I am currently writing a virus story as well! Haha, great minds think alike. Anyways, to your review.

You have an interesting plot here. I definitely appreciate what you're doing with your characters. Who is the director? What exactly are these people trying to accomplish? Where do they work and who do they work for? All questions that keep me wanting more.

Your style of writing is awesome. It's very easy to read, and the flow was very smooth.

Your characters have very distinct personalities, and I enjoy the science brain of your MC. She's fun to read, especially because I have a science brain too :)

The only thing that kind of bothered me was how you weren't saying her name until the end of the chapter. This is really nitpick and I understand you're doing it for mystery, but it was something that really stood out to me. You say 'she' so often and use it to start so many sentences that it almost becomes monotonous. Again, this is just something I tried really hard to find and can totally be ignored.

All in all I say this was an awesome start. And I can't wait to see what happens next.


 Report Review

Review #4, by MC_HKDefiant Blood, Defiant Love: A Pettigrew Party

13th February 2014:
Hello!! In your request, you didn't really put anything specific in your AoC, so I'm going to be really nitpicky. Sorry if any of it comes across the wrong way!

-You have an interesting start to your story here. Introducing the main character in such a vulnerable state is a great way to show the reader right away the personality of your character.

-You've got really good description/imagery happening here. I especially like the line: "...his pure-blood status worn conspicuously on his sleeve." That is a really lovely line, and I hope you include more of that kind of description in your story. That being said, I wish you would include a little more of it. Like, taking the time to really describe the scenery and how Andromeda is feeling. This would be a good time to show the reader environments, emotions, habits, etc.

-You're doing a good job telling your readers information about your characters. You're giving them the bits that they would have never deduced on their own, and that makes for really good writing. I favor the "show don't tell" method, but sometimes that rule has to be broken. If you have a piece of information you want your audience to know about, it is so okay to just tell them instead of putting in a million subtle hints that a reader might not deduce for themselves.

-I enjoy the characterization in this. The Marauders are on point. You do a really good job of creating this contrast between Andromeda and the rest of the Slytherins, which is fabulous.

-You do introduce Narcissa as Narcissa Malfoy, when she is still unmarried. Just thought I would point that out :)

Overall, this is a really good chapter. I enjoyed reading it, it was really easy to get through, and you are a lovely writer :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much! I will definitely work on some of that. I especially think showing a lot of her little habits will come in useful for when the story develops more.

I can't believe I said Narcissa MALFOY. Omg I didn't even notice that hahaha. I'm just so obsessed with the idea of her and Lucius that I subconsciouly wrote it out without realizing it! I'm going to fix that right now haha.

I'm so glad you liked it, and thank you so so much. Your review was very helpful! :))

 Report Review

Review #5, by MC_HKKamikaze: Untitled

12th February 2014:
You better re-edit it or so help me Merlin I will bother you until I get the full thing! I mean this is the most endearing way possible, brain twin :)

--The EVIL brain twin muahahahaha

Author's Response: I'll do it for you! Thank you for looking this over, dear brain twin. im sah glad u lyked it ;)

 Report Review

Review #6, by MC_HKTwo Sides of the Coin: Ambition and Power

11th February 2014:
Hello! Here with your review!

Areas of Concern:
-I believe that Slughorn is very canon in your writing, so don't worry about it :) To me he was always that professor that really cared for his students. I mean, all the professors do, but he liked to almost be a friend to them and they were his greatest treasure (kind of.) So for you to capture that in this one-shot is really awesome.

-It does keep me interested! You've got really great description, and the voice you give Slughorn is a very expressive one. Not once did I question his emotions through the whole chapter. There are interesting tidbits where you kind of fill in the gaps (like you say in your A/N) with students and what he thought of them after they graduated, and that really gives me insight to him, even though he's a book character he never went out of canon.

There isn't much else for me to comment on. This was a very well-written, emotional story that left an impact on me. There were no spelling/grammar mistakes, and it was very easy to read. Thank you for requesting this! I quite liked it!


Author's Response: Hi Monica, thanks so much for coming by! I apologize that it took me a while to reply.

I'm so glad that Slughorn feels canon here! I never realized before writing this piece just how divided people were in their opinion of him. I agree with your viewpoint, that he really does care deep down.

I'm pleased also that you liked the imagery and emotion and felt that the story kept you interested. I always get a little scared when I post something that doesn't have a lot of action; character-driven stories are more my style, but sometimes that doesn't sit well with readers.

Anyway, thanks so much for your kind review!


 Report Review

Review #7, by MC_HKA Blossoming Romance: Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

5th February 2014:
Hello! It's been a while, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything from the previous review!

Areas of concern:
-I see lots of areas that could use commas. They will help in breaking up your sentences a bit, as they are currently very run-on. There are also a few punctuation errors that need to be addressed.

-The characters you have are very good, and I enjoy the personalities you give them. Terry the Creep really was creepy O_O

-The flow was alright, but due to the run-on sentences and punctuation in the wrong areas, it seemed a little monotonous. This can be easily fixed though, don't worry.

Things worth mentioning:
-"...which did a good job of covering up my cleavage which was very much on show." You have 'which' twice in the same sentence, and it sounds really repetitive and the sentence in itself is run-on. When you mention that there is cleavage to be seen, you already imply that it's 'out there'. It's not something that could be subtle. So if you just take out the last part, then the sentence would be better. You also do this same thing with the word 'bit' later on in the chapter, and it might not seem like it but it's something that could make a reader stumble over what they're reading or even drive them off. Repetition is not really favored much (in my opinion.)

-I noticed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Like, you use "pray" instead of "prey." There are more, but I'm sure you could comb through carefully to find those. I also noticed a handful of missing words.

-This kind of ties into repetition. There's one point where you say that Terry sees Alyssa and calls her name, then in the next paragraph he is actually calling her name. This is redundant, and you can probably take out the part where you say he calls her name.

-"Terry went for steak with chips, plus a side of chips..." I don't know if you meant to put chips twice, but if you did you might want to add that he ordered an additional side of chips.

-"I had eaten my burger because I was starving and plus eating didn't seem to stop him." Goodness, I noticed how rude I must sound, and I'm so sorry. It's not my intention at all. But I would consider removing this sentence or modifying it, only because they are at dinner and she's meant to eat her food.

-"...A) I was getting cold and B) it would stop..." I would like to mention that this kind of change of format is kind of awkward and unnecessary. Although you're telling it from a first person POV it's passable, but I'm just letting you know that in my opinion, it's a bit awkward. If you took the A) and B) out, then you still have a perfectly good sentence.

-"Memories, isn't it." This is kind of a confusing sentence. I suggest modifying it to be clearer, like, "Memories, for when we're old and grey."

Overall, a good, well-rounded chapter :) I enjoyed it!


Author's Response: Hi,

It's fine and sorry I've taken ages to reply.

I think now that I have a beta and I've re-read and most of these have been sorted. I've yet to edit this chapter on here yet.

It's fine honestly and thank you so, so much I'll get around to going over and fixing things!

Soph :)

 Report Review

Review #8, by MC_HKWide Awake : I Shot the Sheriff

4th February 2014:
Hello! Sorry this took so long!

Areas of Concern:
-My thoughts on the group's different POV is that I can see why you want to do it, but for me personally I didn't want it to be the first chapter I read. I like to have a chapter with one POV change maximum, usually. I can't really say specifically why it put me off, probably because I like consistency, though. It has absolutely nothing to do with your writing. Your writing is great. I think it's just with how many POV changes there are it kind of shakes me up.

-I love love love your Marauders! They are very realistic, and I love how realistic you make the other characters as well. That whole smoking scene totally seemed appropriate, considering what era it was, and I liked the way they interacted!

-It seems pretty smooth to me. I have no problem getting through it.

-I'm not seeing any punctuation or grammar mistakes, and I do think you've got a good start here that will hook your readers in!

The only thing I suggest is to limit your adverbs. You can keep some of them in there, but there are some that I didn't feel needed to be in there. For instance : "muttered meekly" meekly doesn't necessarily have to be in there. Muttered already implies that it's kind of soft and submissive. If it weren't he would have grumbled, or groaned. Those verbs already have a specific meaning attached to them, so putting in adverbs is kind of repetitive.

Hope this helped!


Author's Response: No worries, you didn't take long at all!

Ok, this is review so helpful, you don't even know. I always wondered if the first chapter was too much - most people read it and say "Omg, love it" but no one has specifically said "I don't like it, it's too much".

I wanted to start the fic off with all 4 Marauders because I know I write them differently than most. I like to think they're all still canon, but for instance, I wanted to showcase Peter at the end to write the start of his betrayal. But I have been second guessing myself about starting everything off with a group one, mostly because it messes up the order of everything - the fic relies on having 4 individual chapters, followed by a group one and gender POV change. But it is also a lot of information to start off with, so thank you for saying there are too many POV changes. When I'm done writing this whole saga, I may go back and edit things, so this is going on my list.

I'm happy you like my Marauders! As I said, I know they are not exactly canon, but I still think they're fun and different. And omg, it has been so fun for me to research the 1970s to make the era feel right. So yay!

I definitely need to limit my adverbs, you are SO right. When I'm in the middle of editing chapters, I usually come across of "ly" words and think, hmmm, maybe should cut a few out. So it sounds like I should do the same of the first chapter as well XD

This helped so so so much, thanks again Monica!


 Report Review

Review #9, by MC_HKThe Debate of Secrecy: British Wizard’s Council Meeting

27th January 2014:
Hello! Here with your review.

Areas of concern:
-Your story flow seems fine to me. If anything, you have areas where the sentences seem a little short and fragmented but it's really not that big of a deal. (At least, I don't think it is)

-Your characterization was done very well. I think you've really given each character their own unique personality that I enjoy reading.

-For you balance between dialogue and description, I think that you've got a good amount of both, but they don't work well in how you have it set up. You kind of have a block of description and a block of dialogue, with not too much of it meshing together. I suggest going through and kind of trying to sandwich them. I believe this will make the flow that much better.

-The only thing I want to mention is you start a lot of sentences with the same word when they're next to each other. In the beginning, you use "the" for three of four sentence beginnings, and it already seemed very repetitive. This is something to look out for.

Otherwise, I like what you've done with this! Good job!


Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I'll go back and fix the sentence lengths as well as checking that I vary the beginning word of the sentence a little better. I saw what you were talking about when I reread the second paragraph.

I've been working on adding a little more description of what's happening with the dialogue.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #10, by MC_HKRepentance: Old Faces

26th January 2014:
Hello! Here with your review!

Areas of Concern:
-You only had one specific area of concern, and this was repetitive words and phrases. I do agree with you on this, as I found multiple places where you do this. It's not terribly hard to fix though, so don't be scared! I highly recommend you read through very slowly, and make sure you don't end too many sentences or begin too many sentences with the same word in a row. That's a terrible explanation, so let me show you an example:

"Hermione had a cat named Crookshanks. Hermione loved her cat."

This is pretty repetitive wording, right? I use both Hermione's name and the word 'cat' in both sentences that are right next to each other. Now, we change it to:

"Hermione had a cat named Crookshanks that she loved."

So just by merging those two sentences, that rids of the problem. Or if you can't merge the sentences, you can try to rearrange words, and a thesaurus comes in mighty handy! Same thing with groups of sentences that sound the same. If you can find a way to blend those two parts together, it would flow much better.

What I think is worth mentioning:
-At the very beginning, you are in Hermione's POV, but when she runs into the lifts, you change into Draco's POV just for a moment before transitioning back to Hermione. This is kind of confusing, and should remain consistently in one character's POV. If you only mention it for a moment, it probably isn't worth mentioning in the chapter (trying not to sound mean here!)

-You have a couple word slip-ups peppered throughout the story. You use "career" and I think you meant "careen", and "wondered" instead of "wandered".

-Plot wise, I don't really know what the plot is yet, but then again it's the first chapter. This was a lot of reflection on Hermione's part, so if you end up re-requesting, I can give you more feedback on that.

Overall, good job!


Author's Response: Hello Monica, thank you so much for the review, what you've pointed out is very helpful :)

I agree with merging sentences, I think that will be a simple way for me to get over the repetitive problem I seem to have so thank you for the idea. I think throughout the chapters I've corrected this problem on a few occasions so hopefully it's getting better already :)

I've looked over the slip-ups you mentioned and 'career' and 'careen' have the same definition used in the context I wrote it in so either could be used, but yes I see the mistake in the other instance.

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this, I really appreciate it :)

Hannah x

 Report Review

Review #11, by MC_HKIn Absentia: In Absentia

26th January 2014:

Seriously, the way you started it out I had no idea how it was going to end. I kind of just thought that her and Harry got a divorce or something, so I was interested and read more until the end and my MIND WAS BLOWN. *CONFETTI CANNONS* This is so original and well thought out, I love it!!!


Author's Response: Wow, thank you! :D Honestly, when I started it out even I didn't know how it was going to end, haha. I'm glad you liked that twist at the end, and that you thought it was original! This ws such a wonderful review, thank you so much!

 Report Review

Review #12, by MC_HKmystify.: mystify.

26th January 2014:
This is the best Christmas present I've ever received :)

Thanks brain twin! I love it!


Author's Response: You are more than welcome, dear :)

 Report Review

Review #13, by MC_HKA Blossoming Romance: Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

23rd January 2014:

Areas of Concern:
-I like the plot of this story. It'll be nice to see these old friends turn into lovers after so long of not talking. It's almost like you have a blank slate for them. I do hope to see some really good development of the relationship.

-Your characters are very well done. You've done a really good job giving each a specific personality and letting it shine through. I especially like Alyssa's personality :) Keep this up and your story will always be really great!

-I can't pick out every grammar mistake, but I can say you've got quite a few of them. I highly recommend a beta that can pick those out for you, and help you with punctuation errors as well.

Some things worth mentioning:
-Although I thought this was well written, I was having a really hard time keeping up with all of the characters, but maybe that's just me. I felt like so many people had been introduced I was getting everyone mixed up and had no idea who was who and forgetting about other people. I know you can't not introduce them, but I feel like maybe there's a way to do it that would give more flow to the story and have people remember who is who. I would suggest as soon as they are mentioned, explain who they are. You do that a couple times, but with Deano and Hayden I had no idea what was going on for a moment.

-Overall I really like this! You've got a great start and I'm eager to see what happens next!


Author's Response: Hi and thanks for R+R'ing so quick!

I think now they've grown up as well and they're more mature that the blank slate is even better as their past is behind them in a way. I'm glad you like it and the characters! Apart from Chloe, Alyssa is my favourite to write so far :p

Definitely not my stong point and I've put a request for a beta reder over at the forums, so hopefully I get get around to sorting those out as well as re-reading and editing.

You're not th only one to say that so don't worry. Thanks for pointing it out! There are quiet a few people in this first chapter as Alyssa has four siblings as well as her parents and nephew plus the others so I do understand the confusion. I'll be sure to edit and add little bits in as well as trying to get the flow better. Hopefully a beta will help out with that.

Thank you for a great review!

 Report Review

Review #14, by MC_HKAn Account of Downfall: Chapter I

23rd January 2014:

Areas of Concern:
-Alright, one of your concerns was general flow, and I agree with you. You have a couple of sentences that are kind of confusing to read. For example: "Ozymandias Stroulger had stood in that field, under that magical umbrella, on that day, and despite the weather Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." I understand what you're trying to do with your writing, but sometimes simpler is better. It would be much smoother to read if it were: "Ozymandias Strougler, magical umbrella in hand, had stood in that field. Despite the weather, Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." Just a simple rearranging of words can help immensely in readability and fluidity.

-I see nothing wrong with your character. He has a personality that is showing through, which is what you want. The only thing I suggest is to maybe try and bring it through a little more. What you have now is awesome, but adding that much more could make it perfect.

-It doesn't feel anticlimactic at all! I like it a lot, to be honest!

Some things I found worth mentioning:
-You throw in the word "had" in some areas that I find to be rather unnecessary. Such as, "she had said" after a quote. It's not needed here, and just saying "she said" would work much better and help the fluidity of your story.

-You've got some really good description skills. I mean, they are totally awesome. But I do feel like there are some things not really going into detail about. They're only small things, like the gloves being Dermagrip. That's not really a detail worth mentioning, at least in my opinion. Or even the hipster bit at the beginning I felt like was a bit much, and didn't really add to the story. I like that you mention his coat was on sale though, because that gives the reader a better look into who your character is, rather than telling your reader he thinks he's a hipster. Subtle details, in my opinion, are the best details :)

-I think you've got some good monologue going on with your character, and I urge to play on that strength! I like that some bits like: "A power nap, he liked to tell the other post-grads in the shared office, is vital for the mind!" are in there, and add so much to characterization! More of those details, and you're on your way to perfect characterization.

-I don't really think that you have to point out that there is a Part I and a Part II. A simple horizontal rule would split up the parts just fine :)

Sorry if this review sounded mean! I hope not :( I actually really do like the concept of this, and I really admire what you've done with it. I like the idea of there being a wizarding college and what they do there. This is really a good read, and I applaud you for your creativity! DEFINITELY re-request!


PS, do you play Dragon Age? You just mentioned blood magic, and I hope I'm not looking like a fool right now LOL

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review and for the suggested points of improvement, and no worries - you didn't sound mean ;) I wanted someone to let me know how I could improve it - If I'd wanted blind never-ending praise I would have gone to my sibling :p
I will look into the points you made ASAP, thank you very much :)!
And no, Im afraid I don™t know what dragon age is :p I just made up the blood magic thing...

Thank youuu!! :D

 Report Review

Review #15, by MC_HKThe Brave at Heart: A Message and a Mess

21st January 2014:

I thought the prank you used in this chapter was really good and clever! At first I didn't really get the flowers and the vines at first, and then it played out and it was really good! Hope I can think of pranks that are just as funny for Warfare :)

Now I'm wondering about her brother and family :/ That's pretty sketchy that letter he sent to her. Hope everything is okay! I guess I'll just have to read more ot find out.

Marauder's personalities = priceless. I LOVED them in this chapter. I thought they were so funny and sarcastic, and GAH! I haven't read many Marauders fics before, but I really like this one :P


Author's Response: Thank you! I love thinking of pranks the would have done haha. I'm sure you will come up with ones that are just as good! :)

It means SO much to me that you like the Marauders personalities in here! That's pretty important for a Marauders fic haha. I'm so glad you like this story, that's just wonderful to hear :D

thanks for your amazing review!

 Report Review

Review #16, by MC_HKPsyche: Prologue

20th January 2014:

Areas of Concern:
-I see nothing wrong with the believability. While it might be kind of odd to see that Hogwarts would allow for a gossip magazine, it's not totally off-putting. I mean, the whole school was practically wearing "Potter Stinks!" buttons without any repercussions, and that was pretty bad in my book. I do see what you mean about lack of suspense, although I don't think this is a problem. When I go into reading this story, I don't expect there to be a big suspense element there, but your writing is very good and that is enough to make me want to keep reading.

-I really liked the characterization here. So far, I haven't read much with Victoire in it, but what I have read of her she is a very level-headed person. You present a major flaw at the very beginning, which is her vanity. I think this is a very smart move, as it makes the character (while not more likeable) realistic.

-Your description was very good. Since the beginning you give really good imagery, and it definitely makes me appreciate your writing a lot more.

-Dialogue was also really good! I got a total 'Mean Girls' vibe to the whole thing. And it also seems very characteristic of a gossipping teenage girl to act this way, so good job on that!

-If you've based this on a greek myth, maybe try to read more into the myth? I am not familiar with it, so I can't help you very much. But you can go more into Dominique planning her revenge, or you can have her go around asking people who they voted for. Kind of make her go crazy, because she already seems crazy lol.

What I thought was worth mentioning:
-I am kind of wondering who will be your main character. I know we see a lot of Dominique, but we also are introduced to Rachel, and then we have Pricilla. Is this a multiple POV thing?

Overall, a really good read, and feel free to re-request!


Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for this very insightful review. I'm glad that the chapter seemed realistic to you. It's a bit far fetched to be having a gossip magazine at Hogwarts, but compared to Troll's in the girls' bathroom and a chamber of secrets, I hope it's relatively normal ;)

Dominique is the major antagonist of the story, so I'm glad that her defining features were very obvious. The story is supposed to told from two perspectives. One from Pricilla's and the other from Louis (both of whom will be introduced in the following chapter). I really wanted to give the reader a sense of what the other characters' personalities are like, hence the prologue does not contain either of the two protagonists. It's a bit different from what I normally write and I hope that it isn't too confusing.

Thanks for the compliments about the dialogue! I really just let it flow on it's own and I am pleased that it had a 'Mean Girls' feel to it. Of course, Dominique's cronies have a lot more to them than tittering in agreement to her plans, but that will be shown later on.

This is one of the major issues about basing a story on a myth- not many people are going to know the myth. In this case, I'm hoping that the storyline will speak for itself so while it's welcome that some people are familiar with the myth, it isn't really necessary to know it. The story isn't strictly following those plot lines because I've tried to put my own twist on things.

Anyway, this review was absolutely gorgeous! I was literally gaping at how well you break down the story into its respective elements, making it much easier for me to know where to plug in some holes in the chapter. I will definitely re-request once the next chapter has been posted. Thanks again!

 Report Review

Review #17, by MC_HKIn My Time: i.

18th January 2014:

I found this to be an awesome start to a story. I got to really get a good look into Walburga's personality and opinions on her life and life in general. It totally hooked me, as those kinds of stories are some of my favorite. I like knowing so much about the main character so quickly :)

I also appreciate the way you explain the pureblood life. I mean, everyone on the site knows what some of it contains, but you really flesh that out in this story and you let your reader know exactly what your MC thinks. Kudos to you for providing such a rich environment for your story.

The only things I noticed were some spelling and grammar errors, and some words that probably got overlooked in editing. Otherwise, this was really well done :)


Author's Response: Hi, Monica!

Thanks for the great review! Yes, there are a few errors that I've been meaning to fix, but haven't found the time. I will though, and thanks for pointing them out!


 Report Review

Review #18, by MC_HKBeat It: Beat It

18th January 2014:
Review tag! :)

What a fun read! I have never read a story with Roxanne in it before, so I was excited to read this. I find her personality to be hilarious, and the personalities of your other characters to be the same way. The tension/chemistry going on between Jason and Roxanne is executed so well. There are some cheesy lines, but that only adds so much more to Jason's character (which I love by the way!). Everything is spot on--description, conversation, and plot. Sorry it's not much of a helpful review! Not much to improve in my opinion :)


Author's Response: Hey!

I'm so happy that you were excited to read my story. :D

Ah Jason/Roxanne tension, that is so much fun to write! I love them! He is so cheesy! He is the king of cheesy lines.

Thank you so so much for your amazingly wonderful review!!! :D

 Report Review

Review #19, by MC_HKCommon: To Be Mary

18th January 2014:
Hello! :)

-I think your characterizations are very good! I feel like I don't know too much about Marielle yet, but I do like what you've done with Westley *swoon* and that nasty Capt. Gregson. They are both distinct characters that I enjoy reading because of their strong personalities.

-I don't think the ending was weird, haha.

My Opinions:
-You've got a great start here. I really enjoyed reading this! You have freaking AWESOME descriptive skills that I would kill for, and you definitely have some creative scenes here. The environments you create are phenomenal.

-I do have to wonder if Westley would have recognized Marielle? Just wondering, personally.

-I found a few spelling and grammar hiccups, but those can be fixed with a thorough read-through.


--Monica :)

Author's Response: Hi Monica!

Yay for characterizations! Yes, Westley is a doll! I love him! And Captain Gregson is not very nice, whatsoever. But don't worry, he will get what's coming to him! :)

And yay! Thank goodness the ending worked! I was quite worried about that!

Wow! I've never really been that good with description, but I guess I'm getting better! And if I could, I would definitely give you some (even though you don't need it!). And the recognization (is that a word? I don't think so...) of Marielle is something you must wait for!

I will definitely look over this again for the typos, so thanks for pointing those out!


Thank you so much Monica, this was really helpful!

 Report Review

Review #20, by MC_HKThe Persistence of Memory: Periphery

17th January 2014:
Hello :)

This is probably one of the most interesting stories I've read on here! I have yet to come across something like this, so I wonder what you're going to do with it :) I'm excited to read more!

I do think there could be a couple little details added in that would flesh out the story a bit more. They had been in St. Mungo's for a very long time, right? Thought to be completely mental. Maybe you could go more into how hard it was for Frank to get a job back at the Ministry. I don't think that after something like that they would just hire him back right on the spot, so maybe you could go more into their spontaneous recovery. Maybe he had to go through numerous psychological tests, he had to be observed before leaving the hospital, they questioned him day in and day about about what he remembered, things like that. Otherwise, I find this to be a very good story that is well written! Eager to see what comes next :)


Author's Response: Ooo yay, thank you, I'm glad to hear it's interesting and that you want to read on :D

I'm also glad it's raised these questions for you - that was really my intention with this chapter. As it's meant to be somewhat mysterious, the answers to those questions are intentionally not included yet, but they will be in subsequent chapters. (If I answered all questions at the beginning no one would bother to read on, right? :P ) I hope that doesn't take away from this chapter too much.

Thanks for your lovely review!

 Report Review

Review #21, by MC_HKMistletoe Revenge: Chapter One

15th January 2014:
Hello! Hope you're well :)

Your requests:

-I really believe your characters are in canon! Hermione is quick and witty, while Draco is incredibly arrogant and annoying toward her. I believe that the way they interacted was very well done! Now, I'm all for Dramione, but you've caught the characters at a time where interest in romance isn't huge, and they still wage war like children. And because of that you don't have Draco fawning over Hermione, or even noticing things about her that make her beautiful. Hermione doesn't care for Draco one bit, and I think that was executed so well!

-I really like Mistle as a character! I thought it was funny that you mentioned Peeves, because afte rthe first couple pieces of dialogue that's who my mind shot to all of a sudden :) I think it worked perfectly, just as Peeves was fantastic in the books :) Not too over the top, but just right.

-This is such an interesting read, and a very original plot. At least, it's something that I would have never imagined to think of! Kudos to you for being super creative! :)

-Hmm.. I don't think there is much wrong with the pacing. You've got enough dialogue that it doesn't seem slow, and nothing really seems forced. It's a one-shot after all, so it's supposed to be quick :) Nothing wrong there that I can think of!

There were a few things I had an opinion on:

-There is one instance where Hermione tells Draco that he has a Transfiguration essay to write, but I don't think she would have known that. So maybe add in a real insult there, like, "Don't you have to complain to your daddy or something?" (corny, I know). I think that would make a bit more sense.

-Also, this quote: "She had had it; all the time and effort she spent with helping not just Ron but Harry too to make sure they passed their classes every year was doing her head in." There could be some added commas to bread up the Ron and Harry part. Like, "...helping not just Ron, but Harry too, to make sure..." or even simplify it more by saying "with helping both Ron and Harry" which could potentially make it sound a bit smoother in that area. Right now I think it sounds kind of "run-on" in a way.

-Not being mean! Sorry if it sounds like it! But this has a lot of punctuation errors, and some grammar errors that should be fixed for sake of fluidity. This can be solved with a quick beta though, so this isn't a huge task to tackle :)

Overall I really liked it! It was such an entertaining read!


 Report Review

Review #22, by MC_HKThe Brave at Heart: Counterstroke

14th January 2014:
Hello, Monica here!

I really enjoy the friendship between Remus and Melanie and how it developed. I think you did excellent relationship development between the two. Their personalities work really well together, and it's refreshing to see the MC become friends with someone other than Sirius first!

Melanie is so SASSY! I love it! Her interaction with Sirius is so well done. There's resistance, but at the end there's a kind of neutral ground they stand on that makes their interaction enjoyable.

Also, GREAT way to end a chapter! With all different students from different houses siding with her after she got bullied, it was awesome. I'm literally applauding my computer screen. The only thing I would think to mention is that I would think the Slytherin hate would have been so strong, that I feel like even though people admired her for what she did, they wouldn't acknowledge her as a Slytherin, but more as a person. Like when they say, "It's nice to know there are Slytherins speaking up for Muggle-borns," I don't think they would kind of generally refer to that house. If they referenced her house, it would be directed towards her more. If that makes sense? I mean, that's the most nit-picky thing about this chapter and I don't know if that made sense lol. All in all it was such a good read!

The only error I found is that you have it written, "II felt myself falling..." at some middle point in the story.

I really enjoy this, so expect more reviews heading this story's way :)


Author's Response: MONICA ♥

I'm so glad you like their friendship and its development! I think Remus is definitely the friendliest of the four and I had so much fun writing him and Melanie.

Honestly, I never saw Sirius as being super outwardly friendly, certainly not to Slytherins. For the two of them there's no reason to be hostile, but also no reason to be friendly either :p Anyway, I'm really happy to hear that you like Melanie, and that interaction with Sirius.

Ahh, I'm so glad you liked the end of the chapter! :D I think with that scene, what that was about is that they knew she is a Slytherin , but now they see more of her than just the label "Slytherin". I don't know if I'm making sense either, haha it's late.

Typos, the worst! Thanks for catching that, I will go fix it asap.

Thank you so much for this lovely review!!

 Report Review

Review #23, by MC_HKIn Sickness And In Health: The Truth in The Orchard

8th December 2013:
Hello, here with your review.

The premise of this chapter was well executed. I liked that Draco opened up to Hermione a little, allowing them another opportunity to get closer. Your description was very well done, and I think you did a really good job of conveying emotions to the reader.

The only few things I do have to say are all of technical merit. There is probably an excess of commas (which I am honestly also guilty of). There are a few parts that use repetitive words like in the beginning you use Hermione's name twice in the same sentence right next to each other, when the second name could be replaced with "she". And I do want to ask about this part :

Regardless of all of that; his upbringing, his morals, the voice in his head was telling him that he was doing the right thing in telling Hermione his past.

I was curious about what in his upbringing would make him feel like it was right to confide in Hermione. Not trying to make you feel bad, but I'm interested to see why you felt that needed to be put in there since he's a pureblood and she's muggle-born.

Overall, a very good chapter, and I'm excited to read more.

 Report Review

Review #24, by MC_HKThe Perfect Moment: Perfect

6th December 2013:
Hello! Here with your request!

I do like this flow of this. I think if anything, and I'm being really nit-picky, there are hints of repetitive words and a couple run on sentences that I kind of stumbled on as I read, but really aren't a big deal. I always try to read quickly, and it's such a bad habit of mine, so that comment can be disregarded if you totally disagree. I also really love your writing style. It's very easy to read and how you did the third person switching back and forth. That normally bothers me, and again I'm being nit-picky by saying you could have cut down on that a little because there were a lot, but it didn't irk me too much. You provided so much emotion in each POV switch. There were memories and loves and hates and personality traits (HA THAT RHYMED!) and that is what makes a really good story to me. The premise of this is also SO fantastic, as I'm almost completely fed up with fairytales in FF.

One thing I do see that stands out to me is dialogue. The dialogue seemed a bit stiff. There were times that I really thought it was well done, such as, "Damn you, Teddy. I thought you'd never ask." But then you have Teddy being nervous, and I really get that, but the actual dialogue itself didn't reflect nervousness to me. "It is something big. Something I never want to do again for as long as I live. Something I've waited a long time to do. But it seems like the most amazing thing I'm going to do also. I sound so contradicting." This part I think is an example of that. I think with how many fragmented sentences there are, it just seems choppy to read, and that choppiness can really detract from emotion. Now, if you had him do a lengthy run-on sentence (in this case it would be fitting), that would be really believable. The dialogue must complement the actions of your character, but if you have Teddy acting nervous but not speaking like he is (stuttering, rambling, etc), then it doesn't really mesh together, you know what I'm saying? And I'm only saying this because you have awesome inner monologue of the characters. Very, very strong in that aspect. But again, that emotion should be reflected through the dialogue, not just accompany it.

Although, I did find this to be terribly cute and it was really fun read. So glad you asked me to review, and sorry if I sounded harsh! I don't mean anything by it, honest.

Feel free to re-request with whatever you need!


Author's Response: I totally squeal when I hear 'cute' since that's exactly what I was going for when I began writing this story.
My dialogue definitely needs help, I agree. I've never been particularly strong at it, to be true. Which is particularly sad.. Definitely going to work on it.
Thanks for the gorgeous CC and the totally awesome review.

 Report Review

Review #25, by MC_HKRoyal: The Letter

6th December 2013:
This review is like, two months over due and I'm so so sorry!

I'll try to make this as best a review as I can. I'm going to start with what you asked me to look at in the chapter.

Improvements: I would say that you tend to be repetitive with some words. I know it's so hard to come up with different words sometimes, but you can also spread them apart more to make them seem less repetitive. A few that stand out to me are "day", "letter", and "yeah." I also love that you put this in first person because it's a very intimate point of view. I do suggest that you stray away from this very repetitive inner monologue of "Yeah, I have this" or "Yeah, I have that" type of thing. While it may be okay once, I think that it is kind of overused here. I think that because you've already told the audience that she is royalty, they will get the point that she has all of these things like body guards and weird letter openers and such.

Believability/Characterization: I think it's quite believable. A young girl having the weight of a whole country on her shoulders at such a young age would be very tired of this kind of thing. It's boring and she surely didn't have a normal childhood. I do also want to mention to be careful with that, because that kind of attitude can make her seem like a flat character. I'm sure once the story gets going though, there will be much more than this :) Also, I did want to ask just out of curiosity, does she not carry her father's last name? you mention her mother having the Evans blond hair, but is Evans her last name or her father's last name? If this is like a royalty thing I have no idea about, then you should definitely touch on that fact in the story itself.

Overall, I'm curious to see how this plays out! Thanks again for being so patient (although you probably forgot you requested, and I'm so so so sorry for that again). Feel free to re-request!


Author's Response: Hi!
As for the overdueness, I'm totally cool with it! I'm pretty bad at answering reviews, so it's completely fine by me! :)

Repetitiveness: got it! I will definitely try and switch some of those words up, so thank you so much for pointing that out!

And yes, that inner monologue I will definitely rework! Again, thank you so much for pointing that out!

And yay! I'm glad it has an air of believeability (even though Avalyn is completely made up!). And yes, don't worry she will be very interesting! Imagine a female version of George Weasley. :P

And she carries her mother's last name because of how the Avalyn royal system is set up, so I will definitely touch on that when I rework this chapter. Once again: thank you so much for pointing that out! Oops! :)

Thank you so much and I hope you do find out what happens! Again, I'm good with the wait (this response is already a month late, so no worries!). And I will try to as best I can!

Thank you so much Mon! This was super helpful and made me very happy!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>