:)) Welcome back, forsaken!Author's Response: thanks ;) Report Review
nice, the ending tied up nicely. logistically, however, im surprised that hermione didn't really care much about harry not missing ginny.
eh, the epilogue in dh kind of killed a lot of possible fanfiction. dont make me into a harry/hermione convert. i think in the movies, h/hr are more compatible. anyway, back to the story.
im surprised. still surprised that our writing has improved so much over the years. c: Report Review
'stain of chocolate' hah! at first i was like, 'chocolate? why chocolate, that's weird'
How very human: 'but sometimes constructive criticism was a necessary measure'. This is why my closest friends are my closest friends.
'Harry never objected at the wedding of the woman he loved, so for all intents and purposes they were even.' ironic, perfect.
'When Rose Weasley was born, Harry was on a double-shift, covering for Ron. Harry never congratulated the couple on the birth, instead deciding for an easy grin and a fake air of happiness.' extremely picky, but 'fake' seems a little blatant? it may just be me.
'Hermione would never forget that day, the day when they sat on her sofa with chicken salad and pork chops laughed about Kingsley and Ron and everyone in between.' do you mean ' (,) laughing about..."
The ending is more perfect for this story than a fairytale. We've grown as writers, haven't we? :P Report Review
It starts a little too fast, with a huge block of text from Jon.
Very quick story overall. If you could length it just a bit that would make a huge improvement.
Nonetheless it is really cute and I like the sweet conclusion! Report Review
Haha, the ending was quite amusing! Good story. Report Review
"You're instructions are on this desk." " Your, not you're. Report Review
"Would someone mind explaining how Mr Potter comes to have wings," the woman asked evenly." Question mark in there, please.
"That also translated as 'we're going to my office and having a little chat' in McGonagall speak, but who was Harry to argue and he followed his head of house meekly." I would go for "That translated to "We are going to my office and having a chat" in McGonagall-speak, but who was Harry to argue? He meekly followed his Head of House." I took out also because there is no other translation, made as into to because it runs smoother, capitalized when necessary, and expanded we're to we are because we're is not "McGonagall-speak".
""I'm going to eliminate my problem before I can't think anymore and I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life in Azkaban," the Slytherin really was very annoyed." The punctuation, the punctuation... Make it: "Azkaban." The Slytherin really was annoyed." The very & really together overemphasis and create overkill on that sentence.
Otherwise, good chapter and interesting ending. Report Review
Oooh, trouble. Nice chapter. Report Review
You've made H clever, if not a bit dry. She seems more capable of coxing humour into a situation in the books. Otherwise, interesting. Report Review
I like the idea. It's very interesting and unique! Report Review
"âIâll bring them by, but only the good ones,â he replied. There was a fierce protectiveness in his voice that reminded her of Sirius, and she grinned." She's old/old people don't grin.
"Just so you know, Iâm really not sure what Iâm supposed to do too much as a godfather. " Repetitive. Not sure & too much are overemphasizing when put together.
"As much as Andromeda doubted that Lucius would like to see a half-blooded Metamorphmagus baby whose father had been a werewolf, she nodded." Amusing sentence!
All in all, very nice. I like it, bowlsies.Author's Response: Glad you liked it, Sophiasies. (Doesn't quite work there, does it?) Report Review
Somehow there were points in the story where you spelled everything out a little too much and left little mystique about the scene. I love your writing, but one of the earlier chapters would rate better description wise. The last bit was more like you, though. More emotion filled. Nevertheless, The Wild is an awesome story!Author's Response: yeahhh. it was even worse before... i was really playing up the cold and whatnot because i was having a block and trying to fight through it. it needs to be fixed... thanks for letting me know. :] Report Review
Cute first chapter! :)
There are a few minor errors but it's nothing a beta can't smooth out. One example: 'âWell thatâs not gonna happen.â Thought Minerva firmly, âMy mum deerves to be happy!â' Deserves, not 'deerves'. Report Review
AW! They're so cute! This story never fails to make me happy! Tell me if you publish, okay?
Moody had no trouble explaining. âThe Ministry gave up on your search a long time ago,â he barked. âWe are the very people, if anyone, youâd be turned into.â Um, will Eloise and Malfoy be turned into the Order? I think you mean 'in to', with the space inbetween.
Lovely chapter. 29301823/10 :)Author's Response: Ahahaha, that's actually a pretty funny mistake... I have a problem with trying to run words together that don't belong, like "eachother," I do that a lot. I love that you can always find those mistakes for me. Thank you, as always, for your kind words! Report Review
'âIâm positive. Iâve kept hundreds of articles since Scrimgeourâs murder. Her photograph is everywhere. I cannot believe i didn't recognize her that day in Diagon Alley.â She paused. âMaybe she just went into hiding from Voldemort. Itâs a sensible idea.â' The I needs to be captialized. Other than that, this chapter is perfect. Harry is irritating, though. Author's Response: I can't believe I didn't notice that... Haha. Thank you, of course, for pointing it out. And yes, isn't he? :] Report Review
The spacing is kind of funky... Pains my lazy eyes.
Otherwise, I really like the names, especially Edolie/Elle.
"Here's the part you might not like" was a cliche line I didn't like all too much either.
But all in all this is a pretty solid first chapter. I think I'll favoritize it and see how it goes from here.Author's Response: Oh, darn, I'll have to go fix that. Sorry.
Okay, thanks for pointing that out. -headdesk-
=) Thank you!! Report Review
Ohhh, how sad! That was a surprising twist. Something minor: Kristina doesn't sound like the name of someone in HP... More modern & unWizardlike, I think.Author's Response: Oh. Please forgive me. Thanks for the review. Report Review
Whoa! No H/G? :'(
The title is really funny and I htink it'd be something that someone young might say. The beginning of this chapter was really amusing as well, what with the conversation of the mugger. I think it's because it's an internet novel, but the part about Ginny leaving Harry came up really really abruptly in my opnion. But nonehteless i really liked the beginning! Good first chapter!Author's Response: It was supposed to hehe =D
Thankies! Report Review
Don't you think trunks are more Hogwart-ish than backpacks? Anyway, interesting Sociology idea. Author's Response: Well, they aren't going to carry their trunks from class to class, are they? But thank you for input and for reading and reviewing. Report Review
'He, however, after the sob did not apologize.' Sobbing? I don't know about just plain 'sob'. But other than that I have to say that I really like your descriptions in this story: I agree with your author's note! The descriptions are good. Report Review
Noo, not a vampire! I'm very, very hesitant about reading about vampires in FF because it's so... Mary-Sue possible? Nonetheless I think the way you have all of the past/present/etc mixed up is very interesting.Author's Response: I love vampires and they are indeed very Mary-Sue possible. It takes some trial and error to learn what you can and can not do. This will be my third story with vampires and I haven't had to many problems. I wanted to try something different with the mixing of the past/present, I think it will work. Thank you very much for the review! Report Review
What a soothing first chapter. The beginning paragraph of description was very nicely written.Author's Response: Thank you very much. I liked that description very much. Thank you for the review. Report Review
Whoa! Very intense chapter. That drew me in immediately and made me very curious. But the last part, about Voldemort smirking... That doesn't seem like something V would do. Draco, maybe, but not V. Author's Response: thanks! There's a reason behind the smirk...I don't recall what it is off the top of my head, but in my notes I remember I had a reason for it...and it'll come up later... ;) Report Review
Hehehe.. Um, I tried to be serious but I never thought Draco/Luna could ever, possibly come true. It was hard for me to read this one shot because of the ship... Good idea, but... it made me laugh too much. I'm really sorry. I know I should be serious about it but I just can't!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Eh, a bit Gary Stu-ish in the beginning in my opinion. Unless his Quidditch skills come in really, really necessary you shouldn't elaborate about his amazing, unprecedented skills. It also seems as if you use a lot of commas as well. On to the praise (you know, save the best for last and whatnot :)) I liked the beginning of the chapter humor with the sock and broomstick fiascos. Oh! Do you have beta? In the fourth to last chapter you forgot to capitalized the first word, 'um'. Author's Response: Hello again Sophia!
Gary-Stu-ish? Oh my, that's no good. Believe me, he's not a super-star Quidditch player, oh no, I hope you didn't get that idea. His father worked in the Broom Regulation Control, so he always had some fun with the Brooms. He is a good flyer, and a fair Quidditch Player, but he isn't like an all-star, Hogwarts super-player. No no, he just likes the game, and he's a good player. The Quidditch skills will come in handy when he goes to the World Cup, since he'll know some of the things the players are doing and such. Plus it helps explain his liking of the game (it seems, as JKR puts it, those who play the sport are generally the most avid fans of it).
Ha, now I'm using too many commas. I have a weird way of using those things don't I?
Sorry about the problem with the 'um' there, it'll be fixed. This story hasn't been beta'd, no. It's my lowest priority story to be honest (as you can see, it hasn't been updated since October), but I'm hoping to get all my stories beta'd with time.
Thanks again Sophia for reviewing! I know it took a few days, but it was worth the wait! Thanks again! Report Review
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