Reading Reviews From Member: Penelope Inkwell
  
244 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope InkwellFlawless: Flawless

31st March 2014:
Hey! Penny here for the review swap!

First off, good choice of song. Classic Taylor Swift. I approve ;)

Second, I’m fond of stories that explore Fleur’s character. She comes across as a little snobby here (as she often does in the books), but she realizes what’s most important in the end, which I like.

I also liked the idea of what you’re exploring here with Fleur. Of course, she makes such a bold declaration in the books when Mrs. Weasley questions her about her love for Bill. But Fleur was obviously a catch--part Veela, Triwizard champion. And she’s also quite proud. So it makes sense that, as much as she ends up loving Bill, at some point she would question if he was what she really wanted, and that’s an interesting premise for a one-shot.

CC:

"She believed that love is unconditional and it just happens.”
--You switch tenses here. It would be more correct to say, “She believed that love was unconditional. It just happened.”

"The night was still and so was the hospital wing. The air was chilly and the inky black sky peppered with stars. The moon was slightly covered by a wispy cloud, adding to the darkness. The white walls of the hospital wing stood out against the darkness, filling the room with a soothing calmness.”
--This is a nice description . I really like the words you’ve chosen. However, beginning each sentence with “the” kind of distracts from that. If you mix up your sentence structure a little here, it will really highlight the lovely picture you’ve painted.

"thoughts were whirling like a whirlwind”
--That’s a smidge repetitive, “whirling” and “whirlwind”. May I suggest “spinning” like a whirlwind?

"nor did she plan to get married when she hadn’t met him.”
--I didn’t actually understand what this meant.

"She craved for his company.”
--No “for” necessary. Just, “She craved his company.”

"It was like clear that she was in love, but she wouldn’t admit it for one silly reason.”
--This is a bit confusing, since in the first sentence she claims that she’s fallen in love with Bill. She’s already admitted it.

"who was used to dress herself”
--“dress” should be “dressing”.

Writing two challenge pieces in one is always tricky, and my hat is off to you for doing it, Ashwini, because I have never been so brave. Way to go in pulling all that together, and I wish you luck in the challenge!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi there! Sorry for the late response. RL was pretty busy this time. :(

Haha, thanks! Actually, I love her classics more and this quote is one of my favorites. I couldn't resist writing something on it. ;)

Well, she is a bit snobby! I mean that's sort of a part of her character, isn't it? I wanted her to be real so couldn't help adding it. XD

I agree with you! Fleur was very close to the word 'flawless' and she knows that. So it's pretty natural that the question I have explored hits her mind at some point. :)

Okay... Thanks for the CC! I appreciate that. :) Will correct the errors as soon as I can. :D

I know, it's pretty much tricky! But I'm glad you liked it! :)

Thanks for the wishes and the lovely review! That really made my day!!

Ashwini


 Report Review

Review #2, by Penelope InkwellLaws of Attraction: Science and Magic

30th March 2014:
Okay, first off, I like the way you set up the scene, talking about Nicholas’ apartment. You don’t go on and on forever about it, but there’s enough detail that the scene is painted, and I can picture it well. It works especially well because you’re talking about Nicholas, who is a science-y type, and they don’t usually wax romantic over a room setup. But Nicholas does find a little romantic in himself, so your description is a good mix of straightforwardness and detail.

Did that make sense?

"His stomach was filled with a warm feeling yet his acidity was normal.”
--This made me chuckle. It was such a cute little science-y thing to think. I don’t know. Something about this sentence is just adorable.

I like the idea you have here of Magic vs. Science, and how Nicholas, as a squib, kind of walks the tightrope between the two. It’s a good story idea and I wish I could read a longer account of this pair’s story.

-“You forgot that you needed one, didn’t you?”
-“Maybe.”
--Also, the timing of this worked out perfectly. It was very cute.

CC:

"At a glance, one would assume that the apartment belonged to a scientist and that assumption would be correct.”
--I think this would be a little punchier if you separated the sentences. Like, At a glance, one would assume that the apartment belonged to a scientist. That assumption would be correct. But that’s just a style thing, which is obviously super objective.

"Muggle Wolds
--In need of an “r”

"but what really was love.”
--In need of a question mark.

Also, in general, I’d sprinkle a few more commas in here (I am a comma fiend, and I use them to liberally in my work, so I’m no Comma Usage Queen or anything, but I think there are a few spaces where that little pause would help the flow of the story).

Obviously, those are all tiny things. I’d say the main suggestion I could give for this would be to give us a few more details, especially in the scene where he catches Rose at the train station. You know how to paint a picture--it’s a skill you utilize nicely in your opening--and I’d love to see a little more of what is going on. A little more nervous shifting, or confusion, or moments where Nick is stuck trying to catch his breath. It would be nice to get to linger here a little longer, to get the full picture.

I enjoyed reading your one-shot. Since it’s so short, I’ll probably throw in another review for you. Thanks for swapping with me!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #3, by Penelope InkwellHarry Potter and the Plot of Power: 02 Cassandra's Gift

28th March 2014:
Hey! Now I am also here! :D

Okay, I LOVE Sir Podmore. He is hilarious!

The part about the nurses at the hospital being practically the same as the Healers--they’ve seen all kinds of crazy things--just cracked me up. I have several friends who are studying to be nurses, and that sounds very accurate, based on what I hear from them.

"There were machines that he was sure his father-in-law would love to get his hands on. All of this around him was a different kind of magic that Harry wished he knew a little bit more.”
--I liked this. First off, because sometimes it seems a narrow line between technology and magic. Second for the Arthur Weasley reference. He would go crazy for that. Can you imagine him in a science lab? Now that is a great visual. But you also point out something that I’ve never much thought about. Harry really wouldn’t understand a lot about Muggle society, would he? I mean, granted, advanced sciences is a pretty niche topic. When we see him in the books, he’s kind of forced to keep abreast of those things, just because he’s grown up with the Dursleys. But he never went farther than Muggle elementary school, and after he left them, he was totally entrenched in the wizarding world. It’s sort of interesting to think about, how in twenty-something years he probably wouldn’t be up to date on many Muggle things at all, even though he grew up as one.

Oh, my gosh, when they began describing what had happened to the body, my heart nearly stopped. I was afraid it was Hugo. And it was Lorcan, which is still HORRIBLE. Why is it always the twins?! And oh. my. sweet. goodness, where is HUGO?!

So, I’ve got to say I really enjoyed this chapter. We started off with action--Harry thinking that his office was being ransacked. Then we got some light comedy. Intrigue. Suspense. Horror. Foreign language if we count the Swiss victim, so throw in some Romance and you’d have every section of Blockbuster covered!

(Well, Blockbuster doesn’t exist anymore, I don’t think, but Netflix has too many sections to work for that joke).

I liked hearing the background of how Harry made connections with the Muggle police force and the whole Dolohov capture. I always like some good backstory. It’s fun to find out how you’ve imagined them spending the past couple decades.

I’m still so curious. Scared, because you’re obviously not afraid to KILL PEOPLE OFF (I’m going to have trust issues with you forever now. Poor Luna). But I guess I never know what’s going to happen, so that keeps me on my toes. And I enjoy a good mystery. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

CC:

Okay, you know--you know how nitpicky I am. So there are several things here. But most of them are picky little details.

"or any enemy he might’ve angered off recently; he had too many of them to really keep track of anything he had done recently.”
--I’d cut out “off”. I don’t think you really anger people off. And I would avoid using “recently” twice in the same sentence. My suggestion would be to say, "or any enemy he might’ve angered recently; he had too many of them to really keep track.”

"As Harry was settled for the day he contemplated on how boring and slow his day would be.”
--I’d suggest replacing “As Harry was settled for the day” with “As Harry settled in to work...”

"He didn’t bother to show up at Mrs. Granger’s dinner last night
--It seems kind of odd that Ron would still be calling his mother-in-law for 20-odd years “Mrs. Granger”. Maybe just, “his grandmother’s dinner” or “Hermione’s mum’s dinner”?

"next visit if they tried it out the new product on Harry first.
Then an idea struck him and a small smirk form on his face.”

--It should be either “if they tried it out on Harry” or “if they tried out the new product on Harry”.

"Harry remembered well of that weekend,”
--Harry remembered that weekend well?

"Aye, it was to take a look at the tourist’s body”
--‘Aye’ is kind of jarring here. It doesn’t seem like something that would be part of Harry’s normal lexicon. I’m no expert, but it’s something I associate more with people from the northern part of the U.K.

"how they had survived the rampant waters Harry didn’t know.”
--I don’t think rampant is really the right word here. I get that it’s meant to convey wild/raging, but I don’t think it’s a word that can really describe water, unless you’re saying, like, “the rampant waves”.

"Harry, instead, gave Braxton a portrait of Sir Merek Podmore as a gift, something Ron was glad to get out of his cubicle, and instructed him that if anything out of the ordinary started to happen. Things that he couldn’t quite explain in a report, to just let Podmore know and Harry would come to help.”
--This should probably be one sentence, all together, or should split in a different place.

“If Lorcan is here, beaten to death, where my boy, Harry?”
--“where is my boy” would probably be more correct. And less gangsta.

So, forgive my pickiness! I know it looks like a lot of things, but really it’s usually, like, a missing word. I’m really enjoying the plot and I hope you’re planning on updating soon because I have GOT to know what is going on here. You use suspense super effectively. TOO effectively! How am I going to handle the wait?!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #4, by Penelope InkwellThe Keeper's Daughter: It's going to be fine, you know

28th March 2014:
Bahaha, I’m really enjoying the light-hearted tone. And I like how Matteo seems...actually nice. I mean, maybe he’ll turn out to be horrible, but you know how in a lot of stories the heroine’s initial boyfriend is so obviously awful? And there are stories for which that’s the right choice--I’m not a big fan of the blanket disparagement of plot points that can work. But it makes the girl look a bit dim if everyone can see he’s wrong for her right off the bat and she just can’t figure it out (which, I mean, does happen in life and so should be reflected in literature. But I’ve seen an awful lot of it, and I like that it seems like it’s going to be different here). Besides, it’s far more common for relationships not to work out for reasons other than “he’s evil”.

So yeah. If she was going to fall off a house for someone, at least he seems decent.

Nice to meet Sofia, Isla, and Leo. I always appreciate when an MC has good, supportive friends.

I’m really interested to find out what’s going to happen when Gee has to reveal all. And to really get to know Albus. I mean, I know we’ve met him, but it was so brief. I don’t yet know much about him, aside from that he’s Quidditch-obsessed and seems concerned about Gee’s well-being.

Also, meeting the infamous Pippa should be fun!

Favorite Quotes:

“I’m really good-looking,” Dad said when I told him, which was not helping.”

"Admittedly, he enjoyed power and thought it best exercised over Slytherins.”

"Last year she tripped Aurelia when she was walking down the stairs with her friends. Ten stitches. Aurelia had it better, trust me. Pippa ended up overnight in the hospital wing and I had to clean toilets for a month. Worth it.”
--Loved this, because it showed that as much as the sisters don’t get along, there’s still strong family loyalty that ties them together.

“She told Aurelia to get a thesaurus because her swearing wasn’t creative enough to warrant her last name.”
--Bahahaha

CC:
It’s all just little spelling things. I’ve got nothing to say in regards to the story, other than that I’m really enjoying the characters and am eager to read more!

"Lucky for me because she kicked the crap out of Anthony Meijer fourth year for breaking my heart.”
--There should be an “in” before “fourth year”.

“Pity. I was just telling Gee that I think it’s admirable to admit faults and only up until last year did I realize how to pronounce some of them.”
--removing “up until” might make this a little bit clearer. Or saying “...faults, and up until last year I didn’t realize how to pronounce..."

“I mean, you won’t, obviously, be maybe if something goes wrong because of Pippa.”
--“but” instead of “be”?

That’s it! Thanks for another chapter. It’s really amusing and enjoyable and I’m already hooked!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #5, by Penelope InkwellThe Keeper's Daughter: It Happened in August

28th March 2014:
Oh my gosh, I love it already.

You have such a talent for making extraordinary circumstances (i.e. being a witch, playing a magical sport) seem totally real and relatable.

I can already tell that Gee is going to be a great protagonist. Aurelia, is a little brat, but she is at that age, and everyone has to start somewhere.

I ADORE Gee’s interaction with Alicia. Comedic skill, right here. I’m favoriting this story right now. I already know that I’m going to want to read the whole thing.

Also, I love the idea of finding something new to do, of having to pursue other talents than those you’ve always depended on. Starting over. It’s a good problem to explore.

So excited for this new fic. Hooray!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #6, by Penelope Inkwell30 Days of You and Me: Hope

28th March 2014:
First, how has it taken me so long to read this chapter. I like it. You know, i really do understand Scorpius. I mean, really it was the more selfish thing, but I can get the desire not to burden people when you feel hopeless. The thing to remember is that people who love you usually don’t see you as a burden, or even if they do, you’re a burden they’d rather have than not.

But I thought his escape attempt fit his character perfectly. And I love how Rose knew just where to find him.

I liked that you brought back that “girls being brave” quote, though I am still curious as to who ever told him that, and why. Was it his mother he was speaking of? Was she already sick back then?

CC:

“Rose,” he breathed, face mirroring the shock.”
--what shock is his face mirroring? Because Rose isn’t shocked--her voice tone is bored. Maybe it’s the shock in his voice? Anyway, I couldn’t quite tell, and it distracted me for a second. It’s pretty nitpicky CC, but what other kind could I give with a story this well-written?

Favorite Quote:

"And Dad knew little about plants other than which ones to pick for Mum when he made her mad.”
--This was just so cute, and so Ron. I just love him in this story!

I cannot believe that the story is almost over. I’m excited to read the last chapter, but sort of nervous, too. Will there be an epilogue?

And how did I not realize that you were writing another story? I’ll have to go take a look.

Thanks so much for writing “30 Days”. I’ve really enjoyed it.

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #7, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Flashback

23rd March 2014:
So, for a while as I was reading this, I totally thought her name was Anaxanandra Snyder. I have a long history of having sort of weird name-dyslexia when I read. My family has made fun of me for this for years. It’s so bad that, when I was in second grade, I named my dog after a book character. Years later I picked the book up off my shelf and realized that I had missed a letter in the name, which had turned it into something completely different. And this happens all the time. No other problems with reading--just names. I realized a few chapters ago that it was Anaxandra, which has a much better ring to it. But I just now realized that her surname is Synder, which fits her unusual name much better than Snyder. Also, Snyder kept making me think of the pretzel brand. So this is a wonderful discovery, and I thought that it might give you a laugh.

Or want to bash in my head for mentally butchering your characters’ names for 7 and a half chapters.

Either response is acceptable, really.

Love to see Draco working alongside Harry. For a while, I’d actually forgotten that they must work together, since Harry and Ron went to the Auror Department. I can’t imagine how that slipped my mind--just didn’t put two and two together. I think you do a good job of giving them a decent work relationship without making them inordinately chummy. It fits this version of Draco nicely.

Wo-oah! Did not expect that! What on earth happened here?!!!


“People have forgiven me for much worse than a blow to the face, and you deserve no less.”
--I just love this line. Things like this are why I adore Draco Malfoy: the Redeemed Edition so very much as a character.

Super. Creepy. Creatures. What in the name of chocolate chip cookies are those things?! Ick!


CC:

"the deep gnarls became even more pronounced,”
--I’m thinking that “gnarls” should probably be “snarls”.

It cautiously stuck its prominently large head.
--“Prominently large” is a bit redundant. Just “prominent head” would do.

"she’ll move slow enough”
--You switch tenses here. To go along with the rest of the passage, “she’ll” should be “she’d”.


Pardon me, I’ve got to go figure out what happens next, because for real, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Yikes! Very scary. I’m currently scanning my living room in search of possible weapons to see what I can use if the Neanderthal rats invade (I’m envisioning the R.O.U.S.’s from The Princess Bride, by the way. Ew).

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #8, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Happenstance

22nd March 2014:
Ick. Knockturn Alley. What a place.

LOOOoove Anaxandra’s dragon knowledge. She’s got a lot of spunk, but if she’s going to be successful, I’ve got a feeling she’s going to have to learn to fly under the radar a bit better, huh?

“Nyx”, hmm? Is that her real name? Is Anaxandra a fake name? Or the reverse? Or are they both real. Being named for the goddess of night does sound rather huntress-y. But then, all her siblings’ names started with “A”. So, I don’t know what’s going on with that, but I’m eager to find out.

Okay, pulled out the old Google translate, since Latin is not so much a thing that I know. And I still have no clue what that means. I reckon we’ll find out, though.

-“Are you even listening to me?” Draco angrily called to her.

-“I’m trying not to, but you’re making it really hard with all that hideous noise coming from your mouth.”

---Bahahahahaa


CC:

"watched as it slightly popped open.”
--“popped slightly open” would probably be a better arrangement.

Oy! Draco people in the face probably isn’t her best bet. I can’t imagine he’ll be pleased. However, when she says those lines about letting him get away, I really felt her pain. Just reading the sentence hurt, so that was very well done.

Now to find out what Anaxandra/Nyx is going to do about all this...

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #9, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Confession

22nd March 2014:
I LOVED that little bit from Draco’s POV at the very end. I had been thinking about that during her confessions--how, if there was anyone who could understand, it was Draco. And the way you wrote the bit where he admits that to himself was just right. Gah! You two crazy kids just need to talk more.

Man, that guilt really has to be eating at her. And that’s just the worst outcome possible, isn’t it? You say something you don’t mean, and you never get the chance to take it back. How painful.


CC:

“I should have went back to help them,”
--“should have went” ought to be “should have gone”. Unless you meant for her to use incorrect grammar. That would be a fair choice, but it seems a bit unusual for her.

That’s all I’ve got. Another very nice chapter. I still have so many questions. I want to know why Draco’s sleeping there. Cough u! the answers, Malfoy. ;)

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #10, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Freedom

22nd March 2014:
Dude, what is up with super-happy cheerful Gawain? And I thought that he didn’t like Draco? Has he been, like Imperiused or something?

Ooooh! FIELD TRIP!

Okay, so I love this broom you’ve dreamed up. And I want it. Really, I just want any flying broom, but this one seems particularly snazzy. Poor Anaxandra never learned to fly? And her brother did? That is all kinds of unfair. I mean, it’s bad enough that I can’t fly, but she’s a witch. It’s, like, her unalienable right! I object on her behalf, and I really hope Draco teaches her.

Aaand she has only had icecream ONCE?! This is just tragic.

What did Draco see that made him dart away like that. My best guess would be that Astoria saw him with a strange girl and got the wrong (but hopefully right in the future) idea. But is it something worse than that? I have to read on and find out what the deal is with this abrupt exit. It must be pretty important, because it was looking like he might get some information out of Ana, so for him to give up that opportunity...I am so curious!

It’s really interesting how she seems to be able to do magic without a want. Wondering what the story is there. The Ministry did take her wand, didn’t they? Did she get it back?

Poor girl, she’s been through a lot.

CC:

"I’ve told you once, and I’ll tell you again,” Gawain asserted, sitting down in his own chair and leaning forward on his elbows, then changing back to his overly cheery self, “call me Gawain.”

--when you say “changing back to his overly cheery self”, I wasn’t aware he had left it? At what point does that happen? Is it when he’s saying, “I’ve tell you once and I’ll tell you again,”? Because when I was reading, I imagined him saying that in a joking manner, but that’s the only point I could find where it seemed like he might have slipped back into a harsher tone. MIght be good to clarify that. That’s all I’ve got.

Another intriguing chapter! Looking forward to reading more :D

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #11, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Lonely

22nd March 2014:
Hey Monica!

Hooray! I get less free time than I’d like, but I’m back and I’m reading and reviewing! And to answer your previous question, no, you didn’t request reviews. I just like your story ;)

I enjoy the way you write Draco and Ana’s dialogue. It’s snappy and funny and it sounds true to their characters. I laugh at pretty much every interaction between them.

"the scene outside began looking more like a smeared, gray watercolor painting.”
--this was a lovely image

Interesting. So Anaxandra’s afraid of storms. Well, I suppose it’s good she has a weakness, for character purposes. Usually she’s so tough. I also like how Draco was kind of a jerk about it, because it’s not what I would have anticipated. So many times, this would be when the heroine shows her weakness, and the hero demonstrates his softer side. And this isn’t that at all. It’s true to his character--Draco may be a better guy now, but he’s not perfect, and Ana hasn’t done much to endear herself to him at this point. His reaction makes sense, and defies expectation. And I like both of those things in a story :D

Also, I like how she makes him coffee. They can’t even do nice things for one another without a whole internal monologue. It’s kind of cute.


CC:

"the aching lonely of this room.”
--“lonely” should probably be “loneliness"

"If there was anything she hated more, it was thunderstorms. Correction: if there was anything she hated more it was the fact that she was afraid of thunderstorms.”
--When you say, “hated more”, more than what? The rain? I didn’t quite get that.

Really liked this chapter, and am totally shipping the two main characters. Also, you paint some very pretty pictures with your words. Nice work!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #12, by Penelope InkwellOff the Rails: sixty

22nd March 2014:
Yay! New chapter.

Arggghle. I’m dying to know what’s going to happen in this final match! I need to know! This is worse than my family during the deciding games for conference championships (college football, I mean).

Poor Brigid, she really is stuck. And I feel bad for Maddie, too. Ain’t it always the truth? You finally meet a guy who’s attractive and charming and with whom you share common interests, and he moves to Australia to play wizarding sky hockey.

...Not a common problem? Really? Oh, well sorry, Maddie. You lead an interesting life, at least.

You really do think through the details, don’t you? I like what you said about Lily’s job. That would totally happen in the real world--some girl comes straight out of school--high school, no less!--and lands a job like that? Yeah, I’m sure she has made some enemies.

If you ever consider doing a spin off, I would *love* to hear more about Lily’s story. She might actually be my favorite character, and the story you’ve given her is so fascinating.

Also, while I’m putting in requests, can I ask for some more Carlotta/James screentime? I love the Quidditch elements in this story, and you’ve imagined them so richly, but it would be great to see a bit more of them together. I feel like our time with them has diminished in the last few chapters, and I know it’s because you have a lot of Quidditch-plot stuff to get in, which is obviously super important, and there is much more to life than romance, of course. But still. It’d be nice to see some more interaction between those two crazies. They’re adorable.

I love that, even after all James’ issues with fame, he’s actually still a pretty humble guy. He doesn’t just expect to get anything. I think that’s one of the things that makes him a really likable character--he’s grown up with every advantage, yet still doesn’t expect the world to serve him. And I like that.

I hope that Cato or Clea do run into Uncle Ludo. Where’s he been hiding out for goblins this long, anyway? That was a really cute detail!

And Harry and James, having a healthy father-son relationship. My heart!

As a side question, and you may have mentioned this, but I can’t recall, does the English team use the colors of the Union Jack, or the red and white of St. George’s cross, since they’re playing against other countries that are part of the U.K.?

Enjoying this story, as always, and eagerly awaiting the WORLD QUIDDITCH CUP FINALS!!! Go England!

Thanks for the new chapter :D

--Penny

Author's Response: Aha, this review just about made my day. Wizarding sky hockey! Yep, that's about right. :)

ANYWAY. Your excitement about the final is, I won't lie, PETRIFYING. Because it means there's a strong chance what I've written will fall short of expectations. WAH. I hope you enjoy it when it's posted! :)

Maddie. Maddie Maddie Maddie. It's a rough hand she's been dealt, isn't it? Still, she's a strong girl, she'll cope with it. Her life is, indeed, an interesting one.

I LOVE your Lily request, because I do in fact HAVE a spin-off fic in mind, from the time she finds out she's a Squib, up to just short of Rails probably. I can't promise anything, in terms of either when it might turn up or in what form (I was initially thinking novella-length but it might just be short-story now) but it's certainly in existence in some form. :) But then I have lots of spin-off ideas which will hopefully materialise over time. So requests are always welcome! No firm promises, but the ambition is there. :)

Ah yes, more James/Carlotta. They get a fair bit of screentime in the last few chapters, once the Final is over with, so hopefully that will appease your cravings. It's difficult in a sense because their arc in Rails is done with now, so there's little to write about aside from them being adorable - but then I do like writing them when they're being adorable. :) Lots more juicy James/Carlotta to come in the sequel though!

The thing with James is I imagine he - and Al and Lily - WOULDN'T actually have grown up with all that many advantages. At least, not pre-Hogwarts at any rate. Harry and Ginny would certainly have tried to keep them grounded. And I think James would at first have been quite cocky at recieving the attention at school, but the novelty certainly wore off soon, when he realised people only cared about his dad, not him. Poor James. So yes, he's humble, because he doesn't WANT the advantages. And that's his saving grace really; even when he was an obnoxious so-and-so, he was still LIKEABLE. Which I'm glad about, obviously. :)

Oh, the Harry/James makes me melt every time. Love 'em.

I'm guessing you're thinking about Great Britain in the Olympics, when all the home nations compete together. Actually, that's pretty much the only time that happens. In basically any other sport, they compete separately, and England compete in the red and white. Mainly white, as Wales of course have red. So that's the colours England wear here. And that will be mentioned in the next chapter. :)

Thanks for the lovely review!


 Report Review

Review #13, by Penelope InkwellPlay the Devil: The Burrow (Part II)

20th March 2014:
“Albus looked uncomfortable: he and Scorpius had actually been quite chummy during the year and a half we were together, and the pair had often spent time on their own when I wasn’t around.“
--Poor Albus. Oh, the awkwardness when we make friends with our family/friends’ significant others, only to be in really uncomfortable straits when they break up.

Louis is very observant. I like how you really built that trait in him up over several chapters, though, before just announcing it here and then adding in mentions of his observant-ness from here on out. I felt like I’ve noticed it about him before. What I’m saying is, a lot of writers use these moments as a sort of crutch to describe the key characteristics of their characters, but you didn’t. It was already there. And that’s good writing.

“But don’t you think you’d prefer to be polite, and calm and relaxed, and not let him ruin this glorious night with your beloved extended family?”
--Excellent advice, Louis darling, but why do I have a feeling that it isn’t exactly going to work out that way?

“He had opinions about the break-up which I refused to hear about: opinions that maybe Scorpius had dealt the final blow, but that we had been fighting and acting immature for months; that I wasn’t always the nicest girlfriend either. But Scorpius had lost his right to pity after what he did, and my cousins – well, at least these two cousins – were obligated to see my side and my side alone.”
--I’m assuming that he cheated? That seems the direction that this is all going. But I like that, deep down, she knows that even though what he did was worse, the problems in their relationship were a two-way street. It’s a nice change-up from the “spotless victim” coming out of a breakup.

“Part of my irritation towards Molly was that she was so bloody short: being around short people made me feel hulking and awkward.”
--Hahaha, Rose, the teller of the truths we never want to admit! I’m not even tall. Probably slightly below average height. But I know that when I’m with my tinier friends, I feel like I’m some sort of behemoth, so I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be truly tall and feel that all the time. And then, taller people make me feel 5 years old. We just can’t win--none of us, huh?

“The rest of George’s siblings had been called into the kitchen to help Nan prepare supper: apparently, she didn’t trust her fifth son around hot things or around other people’s meals. “
--Another detail that I love. Smart woman, that Molly Weasley.

-“Albus stared at my enviously. “I wish I could do that.”
-“What? Be an expert in classes you aren’t even enrolled in?”
-He scowled. “No. Raise one eyebrow at a time.”

--Hahahaha. Love this exchange. I spent years trying to learn how to raise one eyebrow because my older brother can do it so well. That’s probably the most exercised muscle in my entire body, just from all the time I spent as a child trying to get it right ;) Sigh. He’s still way better at it.

I really like Rose and Al’s dynamic. They’re snarky and sassy and it’s cute.

Yay! Quidditch! And good work with the songs. They made me smile, especially Rose’s.

Oh, poor Rose. Of course, she did handle that poorly, but I think I can understand why. I mean, if you gave me a stick and told me I could hit projectiles in the direction of an ex-boyfriend who had hurt me like that, could I resist? Probably not. In fact, my family would probably be shocked at my sudden development of athletic prowess. At least she didn’t put Scorpius in traction at St. Mungo’s right? Poor Matt, though. Welcome to the fam!

And yay! Run from your problems by escaping into the past, which is probably illegal per both the government and the laws of space and time! But it’s so romantic.
...perhaps...I should not be giving Rose this advice. But I really want her to see Richard again! A little bending of the laws of space and time never hurt anyone. Or, at least, it was never proven to.

Oh, poor Richard, too. He’s been through such awful things. It’s nice to see his devotion to the king (his cousin, right?). But his brother sounds like he could be a bit of a problem. My War of the Roses knowledge is a little bit rusty, and I don’t want to go and look it up, because spoilers. Really, really old spoilers!

Woah, how did Rose met that old woman? Is she a witch, too? She’s got “strange powers” and all. 

Richard! Ugh. Poor choice. You’d better be back, mister. When someone travels across hundreds of years to pay you a visit, you owe them some courtesy, sir!

Well, I suppose he has just been on a rather long journey. I get tired when I travel, too, and I don’t usually do it by horse. So there’s that. Still, I’m hoping to get a bit more Richard-Rose togetherness time in the next chapter!


CC:
“At the mention of self-esteem I saw Al take a little step back as if it was too much for him to handle.”
--Not sure I totally get this statement? It’s not, like, tampons. Why is a self-esteem discussion something that makes Al want to scurry?


“But I was first accosted by Auntie Angelina, who was lovely at the worst of times and wanted to hear all about my job and how I was getting on with Hazlehurst, who she said she’d known at school with an amused grin on her face. “
--You might consider rearranging this sentence and not putting the “with an amused grin on her face” at the tail end, just because it kind of makes the sentence’s meaning murkier. Does that make sense? It’s not like it’s unclear what it means, but I did have to read it twice. However, once again, we’re getting into super picky territory. I’m always in super picky territory with your stories, because they’re so well-written.


Another excellent chapter. SO excited to see what awaits these two! I must gain this knowledge, posthaste! Love it love it love it!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

Ah, I know! Especially since they were in the same year, I imagined things would get quite awkward. And also, while Rose villian-izes (no idea if that's actually a word, oh well :P) Scorpius, he's definitely not the only one at fault here, and Albus is sort of aware of that.

Thank you! :) I'm so glad you noticed that, and it's certainly a trait that Louis and Rose share. I imagine Louis as being usually rather perceptive as well, though he didn't really catch on to what was going on between Rose and Archie. And haha, despite this it doesn't mean Rose will take his advice of course. :P

Yes! Even though Rose acts like Scorpius is the bad guy, so to speak, she's not entirely innocent either. It gets revealed a little more in future chapters, but I did try to put in more hints about how Rose wasn't always the nicest to Scorpius either. My philosophy on this is that people like them don't do bad things completely out of the blue.

None of us can win! :P That was a little insensitive of Rose to say, but it's the kind of thing she would worry about and that I think a lot of us tall-ish folk have to think about. But yes, being short would have its effects as well!

Haha, I imagine that George as an adult wouldn't be too different from George as a young man. :P

Haha! I totally agree, I wish I could raise one eyebrow flawlessly. It's a wicked skill. I can sort of do it if I concentrate really hard, but I agree, it's the sort of thing which is very enviable.

I'm glad you like Al and Rose! I imagine them being best friends from the cradle and having an almost brother-sister relationship as well as being best friends. The Quidditch songs were so fun to write - I wasn't sure if they really fit the chapter but honestly couldn't resist. I will never forgive that they weren't in the movies - though there might have been a deleted scene, hmm.

I agree! And the bad thing about being a Beater is that you're supposed to be hitting Bludgers at the other team, so she can get away with it for a little while. And hahaha, the Matt moment sort of made me cringe to be honest. The poor guy - he's actually pretty nice!

Hehe, well I needed to get her back into the past somehow, and it's the sort of impulsive decision she makes when she's annoyed and upset and not really thinking. :) I'm glad you're rooting for her to get there, despite it being illegal! And well... it's only the beginning, so if there are consequences, Rose won't realize them for a long time.

Can I just say I love how you don't want to look up history because history is spoilers? :P Hehe. I'll just explain that part quickly in case you didn't look it up though - he has two brothers, his eldest one is the current king and the one he seems to rather worship. :) His other brother is also older but is a bit of a troublemaker. :)

I agree, traveling from London on horseback would be exhausting! To be fair, he does have to do that all the time so he really shouldn't be complaining that much. Right now he's sort of being a jerk and assuming that she's a peasant and he doesn't need to waste time on her - people were just lovely back in those days! But he might come around, we'll see. :P

Thanks so much for pointing those out, I've just gone and clarified/fixed them.:)

Thanks so much for the lovely reviews, darling! :) I really appreciate each of them and you're always so thoughtful and detailed. Thank you! ♥


 Report Review

Review #14, by Penelope InkwellPlay the Devil: The Burrow (Part I)

20th March 2014:
"Floo powder used to travel to other locations was quite pricey and Mum insisted we only use it in emergencies, grumbling about inflation and unnecessary spending. “
--You’ve really thought through a lot of details of wizarding government and economics, haven’t you? I’ve never really thought about the price of Floo powder, though it does make sense that it would be pricey. Then again, these people don’t have to pay for gasoline. Don’t come crying to me, wizards with your easy, emission-free transportation. But there was a bit about housing stuff in the last chapter. How did you become interested in thinking out all those details? How fascinating.

Glad to hear that Dudley’s children apparently turned out alright!

How very sad about Mr. Weasley. I’ve a good bit of experience with dementia, and it’s really one of the worst challenges that can face a family. It makes me sad to think of him that way, but I do like how very real you’ve made this family. They face the same sort of problems that we all do. Magic doesn’t always mean a quick fix, and that helps Rose to be more of a sympathetic character. Sure, there are wonders in her life, but she’s also a pretty normal girl.

"Dominique was a wild-card: nobody knew when she would show up and with which beard-sporting, guitar-case carrying boyfriend in tow with odd names like Sven and Jangles and Steak. Yes, “Steak.”
--Oh my gosh, dying. These details--these are the ones that kill me! Now that I think on it, it’s a miracle that no one in my family married someone named along those same lines. I’m pretty sure some of them came close.

“Oh, lau it,”
--Haven’t heard that one. Where does that come from?

LOVE the little details in this, like Nearly Headless Nick lying for Rose’s sake (that seems very him), and that Hagrid’s next dog was named Molar (please tell me his litter included a “Canine" and “Incisor”?) And IS HE CHEWING ON THE TRANSFIGURED BODY OF BARTY CROUCH SR.?!

Scorpius, you do NOT crash your ex-girlfriend’s family party at her family’s house. It just isn’t done. Isn’t there some sort of wizarding Emily Post to warn you off of these situations? You should know better.


CC:

I don’t have anything specific, like misspellings or words in the wrong place. If I had to give something, it would be that this chapter is a little bit slow. There’s a lot of background information, much of which is necessary, and I liked learning what the family was up to. But, just for pacing, it might be worth considering to cut out a short anecdote or two. Maybe cutting down the Malfoys background section, for instance? This whole critique is getting quite picky, of course, because the chapter is well-written. But if you WANT to be really picky, that would be my best suggestion to improve this chapter.

It was fun to hear all the background, though. Perhaps instead of cutting things, a few little descriptions/anecdotes could just be moved to different parts of the story, instead of having a whole chapter that is basically devoted to exposition.

Once again, it’s a good chapter. This is just the whole, “If I had to find one thing to polish, this would be it,” sort of thing. I had a lot of fun reading it, and I’m really impressed with how much detail you’ve given the backstory here. You’ve really thought through everyone in the family, which is, like, super impressive, because there are 10 million and 2 people in the Weasley family. Your ability to keep all that straight and introduce it in an organized fashion is impressive :D

Looking forward to Rose time traveling soon, since Richard is going to have a strange visitor!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hello! :) Ah, sorry for taking so long in replying to your amazing review - life has been crazy. :(

I'm so happy that you noticed that and liked it! In scenes like this I end up venting my concerns about how easy it is to be a wizard with transportation and possibly not having to pay Muggle taxes and things, so I try to make it as difficult for them as possible. :P If Floo powder was that easy and cheap, then why would they even bother using a car ever, so it makes sense to give some disadvantages to it and Apparition. And yeah, they don't have to deal with petrol, that is so true!

Aw, yeah! I'd love to read/write a story about how the next generation of Dursleys turned out sometime.

I'm pleased you found Arthur's dementia something which felt realistic in the family. I have experience with it on both sides of my family and it really affects so many people, and I think it adds a more serious dimension into the family. Rose is quite normal, and I'm glad you think so!

Hahaha, after writing this I decided I love Dominique and Steak so much that they leaked into my Louis-centered story as well! :P Which isn't otherwise connected... ah well.

When I lived in England a few years ago they would say "lau it" as sort of meaning "oh, forget it" or "nevermind." I'm not sure if they say it in other regions but I thought it was a good way of expressing themselves - sometimes I'll throw it into conversation here in Canada, but the Canadians are just confused.

Yes, Nick was quite fond of Rose... :). And Molar! Hahah, those are excellent names for adorable little boarhound puppies. Now I can't stop thinking of weird dog names to do with teeth. And ew about the Barty's bone thing, well... presumably it might still be there... :P

Scorpius... yeah, occasional recklessness is something he shares with Rose. :P

That's such a good point about these chapters, I definitely got a bit carried away with the background. Description and context is my Achilles heel. :P Hmm, it might be a bit late for this chapter but I'll see what I can do, and keep that in mind. I know that Chapter 21 has a big chunk of backstory, but it's sort of relevant, but I'll see what I can do. :) Thanks so much for pointing that out!

Thank you for the awesome review! :D


 Report Review

Review #15, by Penelope InkwellPlay the Devil: Barnard Castle

20th March 2014:
Jeeennna! I love this story! Sorry if it’s slow going, but I’m going to review every chapter if it kills me. Hah!


" Once again, he began to quietly hate cursed magic, which haunted the nightmares of his childhood. The witch. He loathed magic for bringing him Rose and taking her away from him. Like a knight and faerie lady in a romance of King Arthur, they could never belong to the same world, be entirely as one. Magic brought him peace, yet snatched it away with the fleeting sweet smell of her hair lingering upon his skin.”
--this is beautiful. Well, really, all your sections of this type are lovely, but I love how careful the balance of your word choice is here. I can really feel the tension: how grateful he is to know Rose, and how much he curses his fate for giving her to him only to take her away. He seems to be struggling with the whole, “better to have loved and lost” thing here, and the way you do it is lovely, I think.

I like the way you depict Rose’s reaction to what’s happened. For a moment, I was like, “Doesn’t she want to go home? Sort things out? Why stay where she’s going to have to put on an act?” But then, when I thought about it, it seemed like such a very human response. She doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to have to sort it out yet. It’s terrifying, and she wants to put off questioning it and be with people that make her feel safe. And I think that makes a lot of sense.

Maude seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I can see why she’s a crucial part of their little group. I’ve heard so much about her that I’m quite happy to finally meet her. Also, am I picking up that she’s gay? Good on you for writing diverse characters. That’s the one thing about HP. There is Dumbledore, of course, which is alluded to, and of course there ARE PoC characters (the Patels, Shacklebolt, Dean Thomas, Angelina), but they play very peripheral roles. And in fanfic we have a bit more freedom, I suppose, so it’s good to see all sorts of people being represented!

Cecelia is really growing on me, too. I feel like things could never be all that boring, so long as you were friends with her. But the poor girl really does attract some...interesting characters.

Cecelia and Atticus Voltaire Smith are CRACKING ME UP! You paint him so perfectly, I can just see it now. I’ve never known anyone just like that, but I FEEL like I have. Also, making his last name “Smith” and the whole “PaPA’s yearly salary” bit? Bahaha. He’s so horrible and hilarious at the same time.

What is Richard going to do? Oh my gosh! The waiting is going to drive me mad, isn’t it? Richard, don’t do it!


No CC for you this time. It’s another great chapter, and while I throw it in there as a rule, there’s no point searching up problems when I didn’t notice any. Good work! Loving this story!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi Penny! :)

Ah, you spoil me! Please don't feel you have to review every chapter! I've really enjoyed hearing your thoughts on the story, no matter when they arrive. :)

Thank you! I really love writing Richard's thought patterns and the way he sees the world at this point. Yes! He is just like that, and part of his problem is that he usually sees the world in quite binary terms of right and wrong, loyalty and disloyalty. So his conflicted feelings for Rose are all the more difficult to negotiate.

Yes, I imagined that Rose is a little confused and shocked, and being around her friends helps both distract her from it and give her time to process what was going on. I think, too, that she's a little afraid to be alone at a time like this - I would be, at least. :)

I'm really glad you liked Maude! :) She's the more level-headed one of the three but definitely has a mischievous side as well. She is gay! I've been trying to include at least one main or secondary character in a lot of my stories who is gay or part of a minority as it just feels more realistic. And I agree about HP, it's too bad that at least one main character who represents a different group, but what can you do.

Haha, I agree about Cecelia! She's fun, but can be a little overwhelming. And Atticus Voltaire, hahaha. I honestly googled "pretentious names" or something and that was the name which came up and I fell in love. Characters like that are so fun even if real people like that aren't so much. :P He is a bit of a caricature but he'll be popping in and out every so often.

Hehe, this is the thing about time travel, evil author can make the readers wait forever to fill in the pieces. :P

Thanks so much for the amazing reviews! ♥ I really appreciate your thoughts and feedback on this story, and I'm very excited that you're enjoying it! :)


 Report Review

Review #16, by Penelope InkwellPlay the Devil: Hunt

3rd March 2014:
So, I loved this chapter. Unsurprising. First interaction between Rose and Richard! And it was so heart-rendingly short! That’s the last time he saw her? My heart!

I ship them so hard already, and I’ve seen them together for like 20 seconds.

You do a lovely job with working in the speech differences. Richard is understandable, but obviously from a different time, so good job with that! I feel like it’d be hard to get it just right, but you’ve done it.

Have I mentioned how much I like this incarnation of Rose? She grows on me more and more every chapter. I like how you’ve made her a sort of every-girl. And I don’t mean that like the dreaded “Mary Sue” term. I just mean that, despite her famous family and brilliant mother and all, she’s fairly normal. Endearingly flawed. It’s a different depiction from what I usually see, and I like how you’ve done it.


CC:
Really, it’s all just little spelling/word choice details. I have nothing to critique in terms of content. :)

"it’s comforting and familiar weight”
--“it’s" ought to be "its”

"for it dug its long heels into the ground.”
--I read “long heels” and think of a rabbit or a hare. It doesn’t seem like a very horse-like movement/description. Maybe, “dug its hooves into the ground,”?

"How now, Rose, how I am supposed to proceed to quite uncertain.”
--I didn’t quite understand that sentence. But maybe that’s just me.

"Some of them I was perfectly fine pushing away, especially if their breath tasted of sick or whiskey (indeed, the latter was likely to induce the second on my own part)”
--This sentence structure seems a little wonky. Specifically, “The latter was likely to produce the second on my own part”. Following back, that would be, “[Whiskey] was likely to produce [whiskey] on my own part,” or at least that’s how it seemed to me. I thought you were maybe saying that if their breath tasted of sick, Rose might end up sick herself (a very relatable sentiment!), but I had some trouble understanding the sentence.

"was missing a tooth fan back in his mouth,”
--Is “fan” supposed to be “far”?

Anyway, so that’s all the nitpicky little things. But yeah, this chapter was excellent. I want more Richard and Rose! When can that be a thing that happens? Also, nice job creating chemistry between people who, from our perspective at this point...don’t know each other. That was a well written kiss, especially between strangers (I know that he knows her, but you know what I mean? Usually, by the time characters kiss, the audience has been waiting for it so long, it’s automatically a good scene. Since we haven’t been waiting in the same way, you had to work harder, and I think you pulled it off excellently! It was romantic and smoldery without being too much, considering the strangers thing). I read this chapter this morning and have been looking forward to getting back and reading more all day. I’m definitely hooked, and this story has officially been added to my Favorites list!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hola! :)

Yay, I'm so glad you liked it! And yes, it is the first and last interaction in the past in a way, haha. It made me sad to write about it too, poor Richard! Hehe, I'm glad you're shipping them!

The speech differences are so tricky! I've been playing around with them quite a bit throughout the story so I'm really excited you thought they were well done. It's not quite authentic, but hopefully enough to show how they would sound differently to one another.

I'm really glad you like Rose! She's quite fun to write and her character feels very real to me, so I'm glad you feel that way. She has a lot of flaws, of course, but who doesn't?

Thanks so much, I've gone through and fixed those. :D I really should get a beta for this. :P

I'm glad you like them, and it will be a thing... eventually. :P I'm pleased you liked the way the kiss was written as well as it can be hard to write a good one! The timeline of this story is all messed up, which does make things like that more challenging so I'm really excited you liked the romanticness and strangeness. :)

Thanks so much for the amazing review, dear! ♥ It really means a lot that you're liking the story and taking the time to leave these lovely comments!


 Report Review

Review #17, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Pawn

1st March 2014:
I’m back! It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, but I’m glad to get back to reading this story! I’m really interested in where it’s going to go :D

"For all she cared, they could be playing nude wizard’s chess for chocolate frogs and she still wouldn’t give a damn.”
--Haha, nice to see a bit of Ana’s (may I call her Ana?) humor.

You paint the room quite clearly. I really feel like I have a good sense of it.

She can do magic without a wand? Awesome! How does that work?!

"'Better feed the beast, Synder,' Draco warned, taking a bite of his sandwich, 'before it breaks loose and eats us all alive.’”
--I just liked this little bit of banter here at the beginning of their relationship. It was funny and cute.

"He was nothing more than a pawn on her chess board, a tool for protection, until she was ready to make her next move.”
--I think this really tells us a lot about Ana’s personality, and her past, in some ways. She’s definitely not used to trusting anyone outside her circle, is she? I like that she’s smart and focused and not allowing herself to be a damsel in distress. And she sounds like she might be a rather good match for a certain formerly-ruthless and rather devious Slytherin we know...

Ugh, I am really not a fan of Gawain. Not ideal boss material at all.

And here we have Astoria! Interesting...don’t quite know what to make of her, yet.

CC:

"She just wanted some time to herself knowing that it would be a very long time until she would be alone again.”
--This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe, “She just wanted some time to herself. Unfortunately, it seemed unlikely that she would get it anytime soon.”

"then you will be dropped off to Azkaban.”
--"dropped off" doesn’t sound very harsh, considering that they’re threatening to take her to wizarding prison. Maybe, “you will be immediately removed to Azkaban,” or, less formally “will earn you a one-way ticket to Azkaban."

So, in the shower scene, she’s never taken a shower, but she knows the word for a showerhead? How does she know? Has she just heard of them? Because if she’s never experienced it before, it might be more fun to just see her toy around with the strange object and try to get it to work (not that she’d have no idea, but I’ve definitely traveled to places where I couldn’t work the showers, and I’ve taken many).

Really enjoying this chapter. Can’t wait to see how this whole baby-sitting system works out!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hello! I'm surprised to see you back here! Was this requested? Haha, I don't remember :P

Thanks for your CC. I've been needing a fresh pair of eyes on the new edits I made.

Yeah, she knows the word for a showerhead. I guess I should have included the tidbit in my mind that I was thinking of while writing this, where her brother describes it to her. (He got to travel more often than she did.)

Thanks again for your help :)

--Monica


 Report Review

Review #18, by Penelope InkwellUpper Class: Chapter Four

22nd February 2014:
I love that Harry got so upset over the article. And he and Ginny give decent advice. After all, Harry has certainly had to weather bad press. He knows that kicking up a fuss only makes it worse. Really, she would be better off getting some help.

"He reacted quite calmly, his eyes not leaving the pages, '10 minutes early, as usual' he drawled, 'you haven’t changed a bit.’”
--Love it!!!

After the description of how hot it was I was craving that tall glass of iced tea. Yummm. :)

"“I take that as a good sign” he said, leaning back.
-“What do you mean?” She asked.
-“I could easily have poisoned the drink before you came” he said.
-Hermione laughed, “And why would you poison me?”
-“I don’t know. I just wanted to see if I was overestimating your hate towards me, people get crazy ideas when they hate someone.’”
--This entire section was adorable. It just sets them up so well. I love the little signs of banter to come!

“Infiltrate? You make it sound like it’s a mission.”
--This is another great line!

Oh my gosh, Pansy?! Ugh! How can this possibly go well? I hope Draco knows what he’s doing!

CC:

One thing I would love would be for you to mention the headline of the article. It gives us a clear idea of what’s going on immediately. Maybe, “HERMIONE’S FATAL SOCIETY FAUX PAS!” or “HERMIONE GRANGER’S FASHION DANGER" Something to that effect. The types of awful titles you see waiting in line at the grocery store, you know? It would make us angry for her immediately, before we get all the details from the dialogue.


The sentence, “Oh, you lost your vocal?” doesn’t totally make sense. Maybe, “What, lost your voice?” or the ever-popular, “Cat got your tongue?”


Another intriguing update, Avi. I love how you work in the humor, as always. And don’t apologize for the longer chapter! I love long chapters. Speaking of which, how am I already to the 4th chapter out of 5? This story is going too fast!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi again!

Penny :D You make me smile like a fool in front of the laptop!

I love that you point out the parts you like! I really appreciate it.

I could seriously not come up with any good 'horrible' headlines! I tried to come up with something for a day and decided to skip it... Now I'm kind of embarrassed haha.
I love the ones you've come up with! Can I borrow one of them when I get to re-write this chapter?

Oh, thank you. I didn't know that line was odd in english! I translated it directly from Danish, word for word. I'll re-write that too :D

Thank you so much for your review! Love you!

Big hug!
- Avi


 Report Review

Review #19, by Penelope InkwellUpper Class: Chapter Three

22nd February 2014:
“Have you seen your parents’ house yet?” Ron asked; his mouth full of spaghetti. Hermione was amazed with his ability to speak so clearly when he was so stuffed, but she guessed that practise apparently made perfect.”
--Hahahaha!

Aha! So she did Malfoy’s teasing a secret. That really does make sense, the way she explains it.

Oh, poor Hermione. Wearing the wrong attire to a party is so uncomfortable! But I’m glad to see that her parents still seem fairly down to earth. You know, despite the mansion.

It’s been three years since the war, then? Okay, now I’m really curious as to why her parents decided to return to society at this moment.

Also, are Hermione and Ron together? I suppose she’ll address that if it comes up. Just me being curious. :)

So, she’s thinking she might need Draco’s help, after all, hmm? That could be interesting...

Another intriguing chapter. I’m eager to see where events will take us next.

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi Penny!

Finally had the time to respond to your lovely reviews!

I've re-written the first chapter and put it the queue. Thank you so much for teaching me what to do with the dialouges!

I'm so happy you like how I write Ron! Makes me more confidence that I'm on the right track. He really is funny.

I'm trying to keep Hermione's parents normal and as you say 'down to earth' kind of people. After ten years pretending to be muggles before Hermione went to school must've have knocked some sense into them, I suppose. That's the reason I'm going to use when explaining why they aren't like the Malfoys. I'll get to that later in the chapters :D

I'm probably revealing too much... I hope none of the other readers won't read this, haha!

Ron and Hermione aren't together in this, just really good friends. But we all know how unpredictable he is, so who knows... maybe he'll say something later.

Thank you so much for your review! now I'm off to the next!

- Lostmyheart


 Report Review

Review #20, by Penelope InkwellUpper Class: Chapter Two

22nd February 2014:
Oh, my gosh, I’d forgotten how much I love Dramione! There’s nothing like a different take on a story to remind me why I love this pairing. You had me cackling aloud several times.

So, the Malfoys were spies to the Order? A bit convenient, but after the whole Snape thing, I suppose anything could happen. I hope you’ll expand on that. I’d love to hear the whole story later.

Oh, look at Draco, giving truly good advice. I suppose Hermione might be needing his help after all, eh?

Enjoying the story (but that’s hardly a surprise!)

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi again :D

Yes, they were. I thought it would be an interesting add to the story, that the Malfoy family weren't a bad family after all. Or not entirely bad.
I'll explain it later in the story when Hermione and Draco get to know each other better :)

So glad you enjoy my story! :D

- Avi


 Report Review

Review #21, by Penelope InkwellUpper Class: Chapter One

22nd February 2014:
o, I finally got to read this and I am so excited that I did! Your dialogue is great. The characters speak very naturally. Like, I’ve told you about how amazing you are with the English, but I should really re-iterate that, because I know a thing or two about writing in a foreign language and many people would consider me fluent but I COULD NOT DO WHAT YOU DO.

I am sending so many gold stars your way, it’s practically a meteor shower. This is me, just sitting here in awe of you, my friend.

"'Ron looked confused and appalled, 'they said that to you?'
Hermione groaned and closed her eyes, 'no Ron.’"

--So, I literally had to stop reading this for a moment, until I could stop giggling. As I have previously mentioned, you are hilarious!


"Now I understand why my mother always, ALWAYS had trouble with the coffee machine when I was with her, but when I left the kitchen for ten minutes, she suddenly had a fresh cup of coffee in her hand and I hadn’t even heard the coffee machine brew it…”
--This is a really brilliant detail! It makes it all so much more real. Like, how you come up with these things, I can’t even imagine.


So, I’m curious--did Hermione never tell her parents how Draco had bullied her? But she wouldn’t, would she? From her perspective, they were sending her off to this magical place where she was being given such a great opportunity. She wouldn’t want them to worry about something they had no control over.

I am so curious! What were the details of why they went into hiding? How did they adjust to life as middle-class “Muggles” after being rich wizards? What made them decide this was the moment to change? Voldemort’s death? What does all this mean for Hermione?

CC:

Avi, this is amazing. There is...what, one word, two words maybe (?), that I noticed which seemed a bit out of place. And just in small ways, like “annoyingly mimicked” should be “mimicked, annoyed.” BUT THAT IS SUCH A MINOR DETAIL! Your vocabulary is incredible! For real!

Now, you might get more readers if you had a beta. Like, I know that sometimes I skim stories, and if commas are consistently in the wrong place or something, I might not read it. I have now realized that this makes me a total grammar snob, and is ridiculous because this story is engaging and readable and well-written, commas or no. So, yeah, sorry for my earlier stupidity (I now know better). However, more people might read it if those little grammar things were resolved, so if you had a beta, they could help fix it for you.

Really, most of what you’ve got is so close to being right. Just, as a general rule,

“That doesn’t sound so bad” Harry said, “maybe you’ll like it?”

should be

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Harry said. “Maybe you’ll like it?”

--so, if the sentence continues after the quoted part is over, put a comma in before you close the quote. That would fix a lot of things and make it easier to follow, visually.

Also, if a character is speaking for the first time that sentence, capitalize their first word. So,

Hermione groaned and closed her eyes, 'no Ron.’”
would be
Hermione groaned and closed her eyes, “No, Ron.”

You know I’m pretty picky about this kind of thing, but I’m so impressed with your story that I can’t not give CC. If you can make those adjustments, or find someone to help you make them, I think you’ll get a lot more reviews!

I am really excited about this story! I’m adding it to my reading list. I told you how much I love a good Dramione, and I cannot imagine a plot written by you could be anything but excellent. I’m excited to see what happens! And so, so proud of you!

Enormous hugs!

--Penny

Author's Response: Pennyyy :D

Wow, this may very well be THE longest review I've ever gotten! *screams yay and dances in the gold stars you throw towards me*

Reading this review made me so happy! I love your constant support! It totally boosts my confidence so much and I want to write even more, after I've read this.

I love writing Ron like this, kind of, stupid yet so lovable character! I'm so glad you find him funny and that I made you giggle!
Mission accomplished *blows away smoke from my cool James Bond gun*

If you saw me when I read what you thought was the reason to why Hermione hadn't told her parents about Draco's bullying, you'd probably laugh!
You were spot on with what I was planning to use as the reason, to why she kept it a secret from her parents! You actually scare me now... haha. Nah :D Just kidding.
But seriously, that WAS what I planned.

Hermione spends so little time with her parents, that she didn't want to trouble them with 'little things' like how she's bullied every time she meets a Slytherin. I find it a reasonable choice, since she wants to spend quality time with them.

I'm working on the 6th chapter now, where Hermione finally spends some time alone with her parents and she finally gets her answers!

And thank you so much for giving me advice on the punctuations and commas! That was exactly what I needed!
I actually rushed to the forums after reading this. I remembered there was a topic about the grammar guidelines, so I read that as well.

To be honest, I never really listened in Primary School when they talked about grammar... Which I now regret. But I'll do my best to improve it!

I actually posted this story in the 'Beta reading offered/wanted" section more than ten days ago... no one has responded.
I'm not old or anything but... years ago I would have gotten a much quicker response! Haha. Really.

I'm already looking through my first chapter and correcting the things you pointed out and more! Thank you so much Penny, you really opened my eyes.

I may have to re-write all the chapters before I post the 6th chapter... hmm.

Thank you so much for reviewing this and I'm so happy you loved it! And again, thank you for giving me CC! I really needed that.

Big hug!
- Avi


 Report Review

Review #22, by Penelope InkwellThe Sea Serpent of Cromer : Beginning

22nd February 2014:
One thing that does confuse me--is the grandfather more than 300 years old? Because I know wizards can have a long life, but do they really last that long?
--Oh, I just figured it out! This is NIcholas Flamel, isn’t it? Nellie is Perenelle! How clever of you! I really couldn’t fathom how he was so old. You might have noticed how I am about trying to figure out all the little details, so it was just churning around in the back of my mind, driving me crazy, until you mentioned his “nightly dosage” of his “special cordial”. What an idea! You always find the most interesting perspectives for your short-stories and one-shots, and yet I never saw it coming till that moment. :D

Your beginning is beautiful, as they all are. Oy, I do not have any idea how you do it. And the folk song set the stage gorgeously.

“This is why the sea serpent was such a problem.”
--just one of those one-liners that makes you choke on your tea. Understatement, you have it to an art.

I just love the sort of salty tone you’ve added to this tale. Something about your descriptions, I guess. It just fits.

I like that you’ve sort of inverted the way I’d assume the story would be told. Peakes appears to be the monster. And while I’d certainly be interested in your typical David-and-Goliath, man vs. monster tale, this take on it is all the more intriguing. You are just so clever!

Besides which, I’ve been interested in the Sea Serpent of Cromer story for a while. It’s one of those gems I had noticed on the HP wiki, so when I realized that that’s what your story was about, I was so excited!

CC:

"I will describe it to you – it had a head like a dragon, but with slippery, soft scales, as you would find on a fish. It had large, intelligent eyes, and very sharp teeth. Its body was long and fluid, and had small fins which protruded and allowed it to swim very quickly.”
--This is a wonderful description. It might flow a bit better, however, if all three sentences didn’t begin with “it” or “its” (Super nitpicky, I know, but your stories are always so good that nitpicking is most of what’s left to do when it comes to CC).


When the narrator describes looking out the inn’s window and seeing “him”--whoever’s leg is too short--is that the boy or the hunter? I’m guessing the boy, but I’m unsure.
--okay, further along, I’ve realized that it was Peakes, but that was momentarily confusing.

Then just some spelling things:

"Something I have often thought about our family was now very dearly we commit ourselves to those we love,”
--“now” = how

twisting the large, black rich
--“rich"=ring

Cadmus Boyne
--“Boyne” = Bode


You’ve done a lovely job, just as you always do. You create such a vibrant world, even for short stories! It’s incredible.

--Penny

Author's Response: Hello! :)

Hehe, I love how you figured it out! :) There was no place where it felt "right" to outrightly state he was Flamel in this chapter, but I'm really happy that clue was what gave it away. I've really enjoyed hearing reviewers' reactions when they realized!

I'm glad you liked the beginning! The song was so fun to write, it's become a bit of a habit for me to begin historical stories with a song to get into the mindset.

Haha, such an understatement! Glad you liked it! :) I also really like the "salty" quality you described - it's odd, but I know what you mean. This story was a very new perspective and voice for me to write in but it was still very fun.

Thank you, I'm happy you like the perspective! :) It sort of turned out this way, and I enjoyed imagining the mystery surrounding the sea serpent and the actions in Cromer. It's really cool that you noticed it on the Lexicon as well - I looked on hpff and couldn't find any stories about it, but there are so many little gems on the lexicon which I wish there were more stories about!

Can I just hire you to nitpick all my stories? :P Thank you, you're so helpful and I've just gone through and corrected all of that. I'm the laziest editor ever when it comes to my own work, so I love review that take the time to go through and point out the typos! :) (and I often have some pretty odd typos...)

Thank you for the lovely review, I'm so glad you liked this chapter! :D I really appreciate hearing all your thoughts. ♥


 Report Review

Review #23, by Penelope InkwellNaive: Chapter the First

22nd February 2014:
Told you I was gonna come check out this story! Sorry it took me a few days--busy week of classes. But I had to come see. Your “My Characters’ Facebook Status” caught my eye. I just had to actually find the time to come read it.

So, obviously I didn’t initially expect Glitter to be a guy, but I feel like that’s a pretty solid set up for this story. It gives you the idea that it’s going to be a very playful tone, with a strong emphasis on how crazy family can be. And if that’s the case, I’m liking the premise!

Glitter made me laugh out loud (actually, several of Lily’s descriptions of her relatives are pretty funny. She’s an amusing narrator). I have no trouble imagining that flat (I study theatre, so I know a lot of colorful characters. Who all have equally colorful opinions about proper decor. And it’s wonderful). I am very interested to think of what staid old Petunia and Vernon think of their grandson.

Also, the hunt for a job is a very relatable topic, so I already feel Lily’s pain. Ack! That day is ever creeping closer *buries self in a pile of resumes*.

Ugh! McClaggan! He *would*! Well, Lily would hate working for him, anyway. Hopefully she’ll find the right thing.

I love that Albus joined a Muggle band. That sounds like its own most excellent adventure! Any hope of a spin-off? Short story?




Oh my gosh, Lily exclaiming, “Merlin!’ and Glitter convincing people that she’s just religiously devoted to the show is FABULOUS! I just died. Tears in my eyes. HA!
--also, I really like that show, so I totally appreciate the shout-out.
And what is this mysterious shop that James is running? And what on earth is this holiday they’re prepping for, anyways? I’ve been trying to guess, but there’s not much to go on. Cooking? Fairly normal celebratory activity. But then there’s the “boys’ and girls’ decorations”. My best guess is that maybe Victoire is going to reveal the gender of her twins, and this is a party for that? Something they always do? I don’t know. Guess I’ll have to read forward and find out.


I have one small bit of CC, and that’s on this sentence (edited to be 12+):

“She probably is off work but instead [redacted-ing] Scorpius.” I think it is grammatically correct, but it seems an odd line-up for the words. It might sound a bit more natural to say,

“She probably is off work, but she’s just off [redacted-ing] Scorpius instead.”

Very fun opening. I like the sense that we’ll get to know the whole clan, and I’m definitely wondering what sort of job Lily we’ll be getting. A very nice first chapter. Good job!

--Penny

Author's Response: Okay, it's official. I suck at responding to reviews!

Haha Glitter came from a mutual friend who likes to be called something obscure instead of his actual name. Although, for Glitter I consider it as his stage name kind of thing but everyone just calls him that anyway because he prefers it. :p

I still haven't written Petunia and Vernon in, I should do that soon! But I'd like to think that they were initially extremely shocked but they still like to hang around him, they just are super uncomfortable with his... flamboyance :p

Yeah, I've been there. Thankfully I finally got one but it's so stressful when you don't have a job! I hate not having a job but I also like not having one :p If only money grew on trees, ahaha!

Nah, at the moment there's no spin-off or short story about Al but maybe one day!

The shop James runs in an apothecary, Lily tells Hugo when they're put having lunch :)

And gah! I thought I put in the reason for the party! It's Lucy and Molly's birthday! I swear I put it in, I can't believe I've gone this long without putting it in! D:

Yeah, that does sound a bit natural. I just tend to speak like a robot and leave out words (I think it's pure laziness) so my characters tend to do the same, haha! Thanks for pointing that out! When I'm at my computer I'll change it and add the part about Lucy and Molly's birthdays, haha! :p

Thanks for the lovely review and I'm so sorry for the ridiculously long time it took me to answer this!

- Kayla :)


 Report Review

Review #24, by Penelope InkwellPlay the Devil: Rose

20th February 2014:
Hola!


So, I’ve been looking forward to reading more of this story. The past week has been madness, and this is the first chance I’ve had to get some reading done, and, lo and behold, who do I see posting for a review swap? I immediately knew what I had to go read (though, honestly, I would’ve read it anyway).

“I like it when I can see your eyes, Rose.” Haha, this is just such a mom line! In high school I was on the color guard, and our parent sponsor (sweet, sweet lady) was always ordering me to, “Get your hair out of your pretty face!” I totally feel Rose’s pain.

I remember that article! I love that that’s how you begin this whole adventure--with an allusion to a newspaper article about the person she’ll soon be meeting. What’s even cooler is that it really was a famous article, not just made up for plot convenience. It makes me feel sort of in on it, if that makes any sense at all?

The bit between Ron and Hermione about how to properly wave a wand is so great. Takes me right back to the days of “Levi-OH-sah”. :D

This exchange is all that is adorable in this world”

“‘I’m not old,” Dad pouted, sitting down and dropping his wand rather clumsily on the table in front of him. “Though it’s sometimes hard to believe I have a daughter old enough to have a paying position at the Ministry.

‘Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over twenty-seven,” I reassured him, patting his arm amicably. “And I don’t get paid much.’”

Haha, as bosses go, I think Hazelhurst might not be so bad as a boss. There would, at least, always be plenty of entertainment. I love that even your smaller characters are so fleshed out. Within a few lines of description and dialogue, I already feel as though I know them, have worked with them for years.

Cecelia sounds like one of those friends. You know the ones? They’re actually fantastic, and you couldn’t do without them, but when you try to describe them to someone else, they don’t like them until they meet them.

Poor Rose, with her NEWT results. I mean, that could totally happen. Come to think of it, the wizarding system of employment is kind of awful, isn’t it? It all depends on standardized testing. Yikes! So much pressure! The SAT was bad enough.

I adore this part: “As a boy, his nurse had told him tales of Faerieland, where nymphs and sprites danced until the dawn tickled them, where fairies drank mead from acorn cups and reveled, drawing mortals into their bowers and dens. He had thought sometimes, as a small child, looking at his elder sisters, famous beauties, and his elder brothers, strong and strong-hearted golden young men, that he himself was a changeling child, a fairy child, dark-haired and sallow and small and weak of limb, brought from Faerieland while his mother’s own babe, golden and mighty like his brothers, had been spirited away to join the revels and be a pet to the Faerie queen.”
--first off, the phrasing is just gorgeous! Second, it immediately makes Richard so relatable. You feel for him. The Faerie bit you wove in, with the notes of being a changeling/outsider, and Faerieland (a place where all was happy) not existing, and Rose being his Faery lady, was a stroke of genius!

I am so eager to see them meet each other. Everything about this chapter is brilliant. I didn’t actually find anything to give CC on, which pretty much never happens. Rose strikes me as a bit young and lazy, but that’s actually a realistic portrayal of a normal person. It makes gives her lots of room to grow, and makes her a bit more normal, so to speak. I like the versions where she seems so much “Hermione’s daughter”, too, but it’s really nice to see a version of Rose that is more like Ron (and, let’s face it, all of us mere mortals). 

I love this. And I will definitely be reading on! Thanks for the swap!


--Penny

Author's Response: Hello! :)

I'm glad to see you back! :D

Hehe, I'm glad you liked that line! It really is SUCH a mom line and was inspired by the kind of thing my mom says all the time. I'm happy you can relate!

I'm so excited that you know about the article and how this was big news - that's so cool! Yay, it's lovely to know how you like how it tied in and that the reader is in on the story. I love that!

Haha, that was my intention! I imagine Hermione nagging Ron and Ron being silly all throughout their marriage. I love writing them as adults - I'd be terrified to write them as children! :P

I'm glad you found it adorable! And yes, Hazlehurst really isn't bad at all, even if Rose's job is quite boring and unfulfilling.

That's exactly Cecelia! She's a lot more likable when she gets a little more screen time, I think. :P

Ah, I know! I would hate to be a wizard going into the wizarding world of employment, it's even scarier than the Muggle one I'm facing at the moment. :P Rose is a little lazy and had some bad luck with the exams, but that only makes me like her more to be honest. :P

I'm so happy you liked that section. I loved tying in the faerie mythology and what people might have thought in those times. The changeling thing just fit perfectly with my idea of Richard. I'm glad you're excited for them to meet!

Yay, I'm really glad you liked the chapter, and find Rose to be normal! She gets a lot better, and at the moment she's in a bit of a rut and doesn't let anybody forget about it. :P

Thanks so much for the brilliant review, I really love hearing your thoughts! :D


 Report Review

Review #25, by Penelope InkwellPicking Up the Pieces: Impression

14th February 2014:
Wow! I like this even better than I remembered. I’m always a sucker for a redeemed Draco, and I am already a fan of your version. Still prickly, still arrogant, but at least working for the right team, nowadays. And Anaxanandra! She’s great! I’m assuming they’re a potential pairing (I should really go read the summary--it’s been ages and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten). Draco needs someone who can be as stubborn and frustrating as he is, and that girl’s got spunk. I already like her tremendously.

Sounds like she comes from a family of an interesting profession. Part of me is going all Hermione at the idea of the unsanctioned killing of magical beings, so I’m interested to see if Anaxanandra’s parents were really performing a useful service or were extremists. Either way, their death (and that of Anaxanandra’s brother and sister) is just awful.

You do a very good job with dialogue. It sounds snappy and realistic and entertaining. And as for the mystery element, i’m definitely hooked. I’ve already taken a shine to both MCs--that’s some good work for a second chapter, girl! It really flowed well, and I enjoyed it immensely.


Actually, this story reminds me a bit of mine (a tiny bit). Different styles and all, but my second chapter also involves a report from Epping Forest, and an interrogation by Draco Malfoy (of a potential love interest, who also gives him some trouble). In reality, they’re small similarities, but it makes me smile all the same. It’s like running into a distant cousin or something--totally different from you, but with enough common background to have things to laugh at. I don’t know; it’s just cool. :D

CC:

As far as constructive criticism goes, I’m very picky, but I’ll have you know that I did have to hunt. This read very smoothly--you’ve done an excellent job in writing and editing. Here’s what I did note:

"Maybe what they say is true: old habits die hard.”
--The tense changes here from past to present, and it distracts a bit. It might be better to have it as, “Maybe what they said was true: old habits did die hard,” just to keep the flow going.

"He was never personally approached by his boss, who quite blatantly, looked like it brought him pain to be talking to Draco.”
--I think it might be better to replace “blatantly” with “frankly”. They are synonyms, but “blatant” isn’t quite as correct in this context. Or, maybe, “He was never personally approached by his boss, who was quite blatantly despised Draco, and had never pretended otherwise.”

"The need for a more stable and less shaky relationship with his boss and his need for a change of scenery gave Draco the strength to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”
--I think this gets a bit wordy. “More stable” and “less shaky” mean the same thing, anyway, so I would suggest cutting the latter and rearranging. Maybe something like, “The need for a more stable relationship with his boss, as well as a desire for a change of scenery, persuaded Draco to give in and do what Gawain had asked of him.”

"Always be weary of strangers, no matter who they are.”
--“weary” ought to be “wary”. Also (and this is really nitpicky), maybe saying “no matter who they claimed to be,” would convey your idea a bit better, since the point is that she doesn’t actually know who a stranger might be.


I had to really look to find things to pick at, though. I do CC as a rule, but you didn’t make it easy. ; ) You’ve done a really good job with this. Oh, and whenever I give suggestions, it’s not that I’m saying you should use my words (I mean, you’re welcome to, if you like). But I just prefer when people give examples along with their suggestions; I find it more helpful. However, if it offends you or anything, or you prefer a different format of CC, please let me know! There’s no point to it if it doesn’t help you, and everyone’s different.

Also, I don’t know if you’re British or not, but if you aren’t then you’ve done a good job of sounding British. At least by my American standards. Great job, overall. I’m excited to read more (including those under-reviewed later chapters).

--Penny

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the CC!! I'm trying to do some major editing, because my earlier chapters were written when I had no idea about my writing style and what was proper. Hopefully you didn't read on yet!

I really strive to make good characters so I'm happy that you like both my Draco and Anaxandra :) They are my potential pairing, so look out for that when the time comes :)

Again thank you for reviewing. You had awesome CC that will help me so much in my writing!

--Monica


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>