Reading Reviews From Member: Penelope Inkwell
  
536 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope InkwellConstant Vigilance: Nymphadora

31st August 2015:
Whoah!

I'm here checking out Silver Scales noms--congratulations!

And wow. Now there's a pairing! And people said Tonks and Remus were a May/December pairing! Tonks and Mad-Eye is a whole new level. But some women like a mature man. Fair enough.

Still, I think you did it well. That's just so Mad-Eye. I mean, not that we ever really knew Mad-Eye well, since it was really Barty Crouch Jr. But assuming he was a good actor, since he managed to fool absolutely everyone, that seems like the kind of thing Mad-Eye would do. Sneaking in, and that whole "Constant vigilance" thing was...weirdly steamy? Like Tonks/Mad-Eye as a couple kinda weirds me out, but that moment still worked for me. It was cute and I could se a spark.

And look, if someone tidied up my room, I think I might feel some romantic stirrings as well. It's a definite possibility. That's an act of love, right there.

Congrats again!

--Penny

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Review #2, by Penelope Inkwell'Bring a Muggle to School' Day: 'Bring a Muggle to School' Day

31st August 2015:
Hey Nix! Checking out the Silver Scales nominations---by the way, congratulations!. Oooh, that rhymed! (er...it's been a long evening)

Anywho, this was such a fun idea for a fic! Fred and George would have a friend who would come up with something like that. "Bring a Muggle to School Day" indeed. The poor things! They must have been terrified!

If you were to ever do a Next-Gen version as a sequel, like George convincing his kids/nieces and nephews that this is totally a thing, I would be so down to read that. It seems like the possibilities are endless! Heeheehee :)

Highlight reel: From there, they were able to apparate to muggle London, where they were surprised to find many muggles gallivanting about the streets.

“They’re everywhere,” Fred commented with amazement.

“I thought you said this was going to be difficult,” George added warily.

“It’s not even necessary to hunt them.”


--Ooh, that made me smile!

CC: You know I always try to give it, but I didn't notice much. The only thing that I took note of is that, canonically, Muggles don't see an empty hill when they approach Hogwarts, but some sort of ruin with some sort of "Danger: Keep Out" sign. Not overly important, but that's the only think I noticed. I would love to hear more of this tradition!


This was definitely amusing! Not that I'm promoting Muggle-napping, here.

Thanks for the fun read :D

--Penny

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Review #3, by Penelope Inkwellcrying lightning: Prologue: yesterday // let's head over to tomorrow

31st August 2015:
Hello hello!

Penny here! I don't know if we've met? But I'm here checking out new snakes nominated for the Best New Author Silver Scale. Congratulations on your nomination! :D

You have a lovely writing style. Very lyrical, very poetic. This prologue just sucks me right in and makes me want to read more. Please tell me there will be more?

It's an excellent beginning.

I particularly enjoyed the rhythmic elements--you're one-two-three, four-five-six theme, as well as your use of "ring-around-the-rosie" It really seems to back up what you're saying here--that no one was safe, not even the children. That the children even made it worse. Since that's a plague song and a nursery rhyme it carries such ominous connotations, and that really fits right in here.

And that part where (I'm assuming) Lily is describing James? That was really great too. I'm amazed by your ability to convey so much with so little. Bravo!

the way people flickered out like candles on a birthday cake
--I really liked this bit.


CC:

It was the way it did a small one-two-three as he shot a dazzling grin.
--the "it" here is just a smidge too vague. I think "it" might be her heart? Maybe? But I had to stop and think about it, which sort of drew me out of the story for a minute.

A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
--this confused me a little, because at first I couldn't place it. I thought someone had actually sneezed (since that's onomatopoeia and would also be in italics), and was trying to figure out how that played into the story--whether one of them was sick? It might be clearer if you went with the "ashes ashes" version right there, since more people know that line and would understand automatically that it was part of the nursery rhyme.

(Her eyes were emerald.)
--this seemed a little out of place, since this first section seems to be from Lily's POV, and this bit here seems like it would come from James? But the other bits in parentheses--in the next section--don't seem like they would come from James? That was a bit confusing.


Very nice work! So glad to have such a talented new snake in the Pit! Hope to see you around soon :)

--Penny

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Review #4, by Penelope InkwellHow to Fix Your Sibling (The Art of Getting Even) : Chapter 5

31st August 2015:
Ohmygosh Professor Nott is in the C.I.--WITH HIS MAN BUN!!!

Hey hey! I'm finally here for our last review swap! I'm so sorry that it's so late. I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but I had some RL reasons I was so behind. But my sincerest apologies for the wait. I've really enjoyed reading this story, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! Teulia and Rose are fun characters to read, and I'm excited to see what scheme they'll cook up to take down the Sucktastic Siblings!


Becca had asked me if I was sad. If she knew me any better she would know that I had long since given that up.
--this makes me sad for her, but I think it is an excellent explanation of her character. I think she is still sad, but she tries to cover it up with anger and disdain.

“Didn’t you used to date Pansy Parkinson? How’s that for your judgement’s reputation?” Rose wrinkled her nose.

Professor Nott’s head hung; in shame, presumably.

--oh. my gracious. That was sooo funny! :D


Assessment of his reaction to item 41 and 42: seemingly positive.

Facial expression given: smirk of smirks.

Conclusion: I was getting away with this.

--Brilliant! This made me smile so much. Oh, the sass!

Professor Nott really is a good sort. It's nice to see a positively-portrayed Slytherin from the books. And he seems genuinely concerned about Teulia, but he's not just one of those authority figures that's such a bleeding heart they make you feel like A Cause. He seems very real, and he has a snarky side, and he's willing to be teased a bit by his students. And I just like him a lot!

I really like how even though Teulia is standoffish, she's obviously sort of sniffing around, side-eyeing the idea of having a friend, cautiously allowing it to approach.



CC: Mostly it's just the tense switches. I can't remember what I said about them before, but just to explain--it's not that they're a huge deal, but it does jar me out of the moment, a bit, when I'm reading, and the tense keeps switching from past to present. I think keeping it consistent will help keep the story smooth and readable. I'm pointing them all out to make it easier for you if you decide you do want to adjust them, since it might be harder to find them, combing through the story yourself for, no doubt, the millionth time. But it's a great story! I just really want to stress that, since my CC section is often kinda chunky.

Quddiotic
--excellent adjective. Missing the first i, though.

dependent-thinking simpletons that they are
--tense switch, are = were

It could be worse, they could be the snobs of mother’s dinner parties where they do this while I am turned away,
--this should be "could have been" and "did this", "while I was"

I want to be alone.
--tense switch.

What are her motives?
--tense switch (hereafter abbreviated as "t.s.")

Still, I suppose I could be grateful. After all, someone who recognises Becca’s mind as ‘out of order’ is someone one step closer in being classified by myself as ‘pretty alright.’
--t.s. suppose = supposed, recognises = recognised, is = was.

but he isn’t heartless.
--t.s., isn't = wasn't

Of course by that time, Professor Nott dispersed the crowd.
--it might be better to say "had dispersed"

It will not be the first time;
--this should be "It was not the first time," I think, since the first time has, seemingly, long since passed.

This girl needs a lesson
--t.s., needs = needed

"No, then let's be on with it."
--it seems like maybe this should be, "No? Then let's be on with it."

to get myself an apartment.
--I don't know if you want Britpicking. I'm throwing this in, just in case you do, but it's no big deal. However, Teuila would probably call an apartment a flat.

with a life—and quite possibly an attitude to it—like mine excitement wasn't something I experienced very often.
--this sentence was a little confusing. I wasn't totally sure what you meant, but I'm guessing she's admitting that it's not just her life, it's her attitude? Some restructuring might clarify, though. Maybe, "with a life like mine--and, if I was being honest, an attitude like mine--excitement wasn't something I experienced very often." Or something.


Thank you so much for the review swap. It's really been delightful! :D I think this story is going places, and you've definitely got the humor down pat. It's got engaging characters, hateful villains, and plenty o' snark. What's not to love? In my mind, that's a recipe for success. Congrats on your excellent collab. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next update!

--Penny

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Review #5, by Penelope InkwellIn April: you lie.

31st August 2015:
ERIN!

ARE YOU DETERMINE TO WRITE SAD STORIES ABOUT ALL OF MY SHIPS?!!

ARE you?

*the sound of shuffling as I pack up my other ships, stuff them into a padlocked crate, and wrap myself around them protectively*

Well! As you probably already know, I'm here because your story is (Congratulations!) nominated for a Silver Scale! I should have prepped myself, after that last one, but nooo. No. I went in, foolishly, unprepared for heartache. "Oh, sure, Erin stabbed Dramione right in the heart. But surely Drastoria will be safe. Surely!"

This is why I have trust issues, Erin.

However, all that aside, you did a lovely job of writing this. It was very lyrical (and painful!) and you worked in that quote quite well. Very nice work.

Stop chipping away at my heart, though! I can only take so much! Yikes! All the Slytherins are trying to kill me. I really do need to go find some fluff to staunch the bleeding.

Till next time!

--Penny

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Review #6, by Penelope InkwellAngel of Small Death: the wretched and joyful

31st August 2015:
I can't even. Everything you post is SO. WELL. WRITTEN.

Seriously, the quality of all your stuff is just insane.

I'm here checking out yet more of the Silver Scales nominations, and I was actually looking through the plot twist nominations--and it was definitely a surprising twist! But what caught me most about this was the dialogue. It was all good, but the bit with Harry and Ginny was really outstanding. Their characters are already established, and you just truly captured their voices. Like, nailed it. And everything Ginny described was so believable, and the way they interacted with Albus was a very realistic parenting style for them.

Albus' heartbreak was just, well, heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I feel about their getting back together--it doesn't seem *the best* time to propose. But I suppose sometimes desperate times may call for desperate measures? I don't know. I just really hope Scorpius is gets the help he needs and is able to heal. I'm kind of iffy on clinging to relationships that look broken, though I appreciate commitment, but some things are on a case by case basis. I'm reluctant to credit change until I see it, but healthy relationship or not, this story definitely brought on the feels.

And it was just SO well-written. I feel the need to mention that again. The polish of your words and the tight weave of all your plots never ceases to amaze me.

CC:
I noticed this one really small thing--

Hermione found a Muggle counsellor and saw her every holidays
--it seems like it would be "every holiday"? But maybe that's a British colloquialism-type thing I'm just not familiar with.

Anyway, good work, as always, and congratulations on your nominations! You certainly deserve them. :D

--Penny

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Review #7, by Penelope InkwellThe Recombination of One's Soul and the Psychological Aftereffects: a Case Study: Tom Riddle

31st August 2015:
Whew! That was a doozy! I'm here reading through all the Silver Scales nominations (congrats!), and boy, this one threw me for a loop.

First off, what you did with the prompt alone was so interesting! The way you managed to make Tom both kind of amusing and yet still come across as dangerous was really impressive. That army of colored paper circles was a great touch, because it adds a touch of humor, yet it still gets really weird and gives us several clear hints that he hasn't really changed.

I also think it fit nicely with your tone to have the narrator be the sort of person we wouldn't feel all that sorry for.

Man, though, I really did not see that coming. Breaking out of the mental ward? Mass murder? Falling in "love" with his psychologist? I guess with 1/8th of a soul, there's just not a lot left to work with, even if some remorse did occur.

Yowza!

Anyway, you did a really good job with this. It was fantastically creative, and a really engaging read.

Highlight reel: "it is a crup-eat-crup world, after all!"
--this was just a really cute touch! I love when people Harry Potter-ify idioms!


CC:
As a rule, I always try to give CC. Here are some things I noticed:

Then the soul shard may be infused with the relic...
--it seems like the relic would be infused with the soul shard, since the relic is the container and the soul shard is the thing it is containing.

We have made some process with the patient,
--it seems like "process" here should be "progress"

“So your attempt tearing of the Medi-Witches face off was-”
--This sentence didn't totally make sense to me. It might make more sense if it was reworded slightly, like, "So your attempt at tearing off the Medi-Witch's face was-" or "So your attempt at tearing the Medi-Witch's face off was-"

but I'm sure your slacking off, as many of the interns do.
--your = you're

"I'm I exceeding my expectations of you to assume you you can at least handle that task?"
--this sentence didn't totally make sense. Maybe, "Do you think you could at least handle that task? It would exceed my expectations of you, but one can hope."

“What are there names?”
--there = their


Very nice job, good plot twist, and congratulations again on your nomination, Rumpel! I really applaud your creativity in coming up with this story. It was a fun read that definitely kept me on my toes! :D (and it makes me glad that Voldemort was defeated when he was. Clearly things could have been so much worse!)

--Penny

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Review #8, by Penelope InkwellHer Favorite Holiday: Her Favorite Holiday

31st August 2015:
Ohmygosh WHY?!!!

I was not prepared for that many feels. Why do you people INSIST on making me feel emotions?! I resent it! I object!

Oh, and the way the longer he kept talking and she kept not responding, the more apprehensive I got. And I began to worry that *something* was wrong, and THEN!

*sobs, glares*

I. Do. Not. Like. Having. Feelings. Selene, this is all your fault!

Anyway, *literally sniffles* im here reading through the Silver Scales noms. Congratulations! You do deserve it. Even if I am bitterly opposed to feeling things. Ugh.

Your description of Arthur's proposal was so cute and so *them*. And I loved the idea that Molly's love for Valentine's Day would have been passed on to Victoire and effected Teddy's proposal. That was really sweet. And I'm glad Arthur was going to Harry and Ginny's, instead of just being alone. I think Molly would be so happy to know about Teddy and Victoire, and to have Arthur visiting her on her favorite holiday.

I guess I'll forgive you. Maybe. :p

Good job!

--Penny

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Review #9, by Penelope Inkwell(wake up, you're dreaming): (wake up, you're dreaming)

31st August 2015:
Hey girl! I'm reading through the Silver Scales nominations (Congratulations, by the way!). Wow. My Dramione ship was just bobbing along happily in the water, and then along you come with this Fleeteood Mac CANNONBALL! :p. And they're both so unhappy, and he's ending it because he feels he has no choice and she's so hurt and he's miserable! And he just lets her go. Pushes her away, really. And he's so awful--he plays the part everyone would expect and you know how that must absolutely *break* her heart and--

*breathes deeply, sniffles*

I'll be okay. I'll totally be fine. I just need a little fluff to dry my Dramione tears on and I'll be fine. Probably.

Good job, Theia (PS, I had the worst week, and I had saved the new chapter of Turbulence as a special treat to make me feel better. And it did, by the way, even though it was a super depressing chapter--in a good, I-connected-emotionally bc you wrote it so well way. Astoria is such a great character. She's so brave; she's such a fighter, to deal with all that. I really enjoy your portrayal, and a review for that chapter is half written and should be coming soon!)

--Penny

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Review #10, by Penelope InkwellHamartia: one.

31st August 2015:
Hey Elisabeth! I'm here reading through the Silver Scales nominations, and your descriptions are, indeed, lovely.

I love the way you describe Slytherin House here--it matches up exactly with so many of the thoughts I've always had about it and have wanted to convey in my story. The booing when kids are Sorted has bothered me for ages. They're 11! Is it any wonder that they close ranks? That they feel less loyalty and connection to the other Houses? I don't think so.

You make Amelia sympathetic, even though it sounds like she's going to end up on the wrong side of this war. She lies because she wishes her life had been better, and because if the Slytherins won't respect and incorporate her, who will? The way you describe her fending off the dementors with her badge because it's a sign that she *belongs* was such a good touch.

The whole thing is extra tragic, though, knowing what's to come, since so many members of the Bones family were killed by the Death Eaters. It makes me really wonder what her response will be to all that. And I'm so sad for her after what happened with her dad. The way you described their relationship--the library and ice cream and wallet size school pictures, and then the way it ends--just really tugs at the heartstrings,

Congratulations on your nomination. You certainly deserve it!

--Penny

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Review #11, by Penelope InkwellHow to Fix Your Sibling (The Art of Getting Even) : Chapter 4

28th August 2015:
Hey there, guys! Penny here (finally!) with our review swap! I finished with my interview stuff, so I am here at last! Thanks for being so understanding!

Heehee, Rose is so sassy! I like it! I think that once she and Teuila really talk, they'll enjoy each other's snark. Teuila definitely seems a bit drier, but I think they could totally be friends. They seem like characters who could play well off each others. And possibly be evil geniuses, if they combined their powers! I have high hopes for future schemes.

I was so proud of Rose. She's had SUCH a crappy day, and still she's totally willing to go on the offensive for someone she doesn't really know or particularly like. There's some Gryffindor for you right there!

Professor Nott's man bun continues to be a star of the show! :) Heehee!

The poor thing looks like she could use a lesson in b*ology.
--this was a good line!

I'm glad that Albus is on Rose's side for this, or on her side enough. It's good to know her whole family won't be against her. I just really feel for her. Admittedly, she did not handle it...the best. But it would be such a hard situation to be in! I'm glad she has someone who's there for her.

I feel like this story is heading really good places. The chapters are snappy and very readable. I could just gobble them up. I'm really liking the main characters and excited to see what's going to happen next!


CC: To be clear, I know this looks like a big chunk of CC. But this is a good-quality fic. I'm really picky, I know, but I'm far pickier on fics that I really like, because I want them to have the maximum opportunity to sparkle! So, here goes:

I couldn't even look at the tosspot, as he stood leaning against the wall waiting to go into class,
--I don't think you need that first comma

which it seems to have done. Parkinson was the pain-in-the-a*** she was speaking about! Poor Lee... That girl is a nightmare.
--This is another moment where you switch from past to present. This would work if Rose's internal monologues/narration were also in present, but the vast majority of the story is in past, so these sections kinda stand out.

whether if it was
--it should be either "whether" or "if"

She stood for a moment and just left it there, looking straight ahead, scowling.
--this part confused me a little because I couldn't tell what you meant by "left it there"--whether she had paused for a moment and walked away, or if she was just frozen, not bending to pick it up, nor moving forward. One possible clarification would be "She stood perfectly still and left her bag to lay there on the floor. She froze, looking straight ahead, scowling." Or something like that? I don't know. It could just be me.

Hmm. So I'm going to commit a double murder today.
--tense switch

I still could appreciate a pretty face when I see one
--"when I see" = tense switch

Does Lee have a sense of humor? Because I don't think there are any mechanics of any kind in that girl's mind.
-- "don't think" = tense switch. Also, what does she mean by saying there aren't "any mechanics of any kind" in Lee's mind? Does she think she's stupid? Because it seems quite obvious just from their Potions class that that isn't the case.

"I have some experience with the t***"
--the way this is followed by "Hugo, my brother," I clarified. doesn't totally make sense. The two sentences don't really line up. Maybe, "I have some experience with t* like her," or something similar?

"They seem one in the same."
--technically, the saying is "one and the same". It might not really matter, because lots of people think it's the other, but I thought I'd let you know, either way.

She's not a talker, this one. I am definitely not used to that. With my family and friends, it's a fight just trying to complete a sentence.
--tense switch

I've had a horrible day so far, and she just reminded me that I have a detention
--tense switch

Drats.
--Drat? or Rats?

I started pulling apart at the grass
--Maybe "pulling at the grass" or "pulling apart blades of grass"?

he is the only person I let get away with that. Although, that doesn't stop me from scowling when he does it.
--tense switch

If Teddy happens to feel the same way
--tense switch

so I could prolong detention.
--"prolong" isn't quite the right word here. That would be making detention last longer. Maybe, "so I could put off going to detention."

I stood up and mumbled a goodbye to my cousins and friends, which was partially answered, partly ignored and left to go begin serving my unnecessary sentence.
--I think this sentence might be easier to read if you added a comma before "and left"


Okay, so like I said, I know it looks like a lot, but it's mostly minor stuff that just makes a difference in terms of how smoothly it all reads. The headspace you've created for your characters, who are funny and clever and enjoyable! I'm having a great time reading about them!

--Penny

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Review #12, by Penelope InkwellNo Strings Attached: one.

27th August 2015:
Ha! HAHAAHAAHAHA!

Okay, I have a general protocol of avoiding pregnancy fics, because, generally speaking, they're not my thing. However I have been convinced to make an exception for this one, primarily because you wrote it.

And the first chapter is hilarious! Ohmygosh, I don't even know what to put on the highlight real. Scorpius Malfoy as an emotionally self-flagellating Hufflepuff! You shouldn't speak ill of the dead (even if they contributed to an accidental pregnancy)! (It was, incidentally, only the second time the award had ever been given to a Head Prefect, the fourth time it had been given to a Hufflepuff, and the first time it had been given to a stammering, beet-red bisexual who had cast a Disillusionment Charm on himself the moment his name was called out in an attempt to melt quickly into the crowd and disappear.) BWAhahaha!

And then, of course. "We're adults"

"I've changed my mind. We're children."


Oh, the laughter has already started. That seems to be a positive sign of things to come. Excellent first chapter!

--Penny

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Review #13, by Penelope InkwellUgly Eloise: Chapter 1

24th August 2015:
Hi again! Penny here for review 3/3 of our swap!

So, apparently I've decided to read all the fluff pieces by you that I can find. It's my theme for the day! :D

I saw this and remembered that someone had actually suggested this story a while ago, and I had been really intrigued by the concept. It's actually been on my reading list, but I didn't realize it was one of your stories!

Oh my gosh. This makes me really feel for Eloise. I didn't really notice her in the books, but I see on the wiki page that she was almost never mentioned unless it was as the butt of a joke. But the bullying she's faced is just awful, and you really bring that to light. What a terrible way to have to live, avoiding everyone like that. That just breaks my heart.

Going to accidentally jinx off your nose again?
--I remember that! Only because whenever it was suggested to me I looked up Eloise Midgen. But I never really thought until now how completely horrifying an experience that would be, whether or not they got your nose back on right!

Man, you nailed Pansy. Her lines are perfect. And perfectly awful--honestly she's just the worst. But you really write her well.

YEAH! Call her OUT on that crap, Justin! When people write Hufflepuffs going into knight-in-shining-armor mode my heart just goes ker-thunk. I have a weakness for Hufflepuff boys, but they so rarely are written as the heroes of the story. But when they are... *fans self, bats eyelashes*

Oh, when he gives her that compliment on her chess-playing! My heart!

I'm so happy that she has one thing that she knows she's good at, something she can draw a tiny bit of confidence from.

Ohhh, that's awful! I totally am with Justin in that moment--it's so horrifying that that's what she thinks about herself. Bullying is just so scarring.

And Justin! Awww! I totally understand why he has trouble believing him at first, after what she's suffered, but he is just so sweet! I'm so glad that she found such a kind person. And I'm so happy that he worked up the courage to talk to her, and that he didn't just try to fill his dance card, so to speak, on Valentine's day, but was willing to be dateless in hopes of having a chance with Eloise.

I LOVE the idea of Eloise beating Ron at chess! Especially since he's always the one in the books making fun of her (Ron was always great comic relief, but Luna nailed it when she said, "He says very funny things sometimes, doesn't he?... But he can be a bit unkind.") He more than deserves it, and I would just love to see that go down. And to see Eloise kind of shyly smiling over her triumph while Ron just sits there, agog.

AND THAT KISS! YESSS!

(also, the second kiss! YESSS!)

I love how it ended with her looking in the mirror and seeing herself in a different way. She really only needed someone to truly be kind to her and to tell her she was worth something. Just, like, once. On the one hand, that's so tragic, that that's all it would have taken (well, maybe that, and to feel like someone could really want her). But on the other hand, it's so heartwarming and encouraging, because after all these years she's finally getting there. And it's totally reasonable, too! People's acne clears. An asymmetrical face can be more interesting and attractive than a symmetrical one. I'm sure that people once made fun of her in part because she was unattractive for a while (but more because she was awkward and too afraid to stand up for herself). Most of us had those "ugly duckling" phases. That's just part of growing up. But we also grow out of it. It's perfectly believable that Eloise would have been quite pretty, but the other girls would have only made fun of her more, and she simply wouldn't have known.

But I love so much that, in the end, she begins to be happy with herself, and to be happy in general. That makes me so happy! Yay for overcoming the bullies!

Yay for Eloise/Justin! Justin/Eloise forever!


CC: It's all tiny, unimportant things--commas and such.

Flush crept up her neck
--it seems like it should be "A flush crept..."

“Back off Parkinson before I make you regret everything you said.”
--“Back off, Parkinson, before I make you regret everything you said.”

Bullstrode
--this family's name name is spelled "Bulstrode"

He studied her for a moment noticing how she refused to look at him.
--He studied her for a moment, noticing how she refused to look at him.

Most of the boys in this school seem to think so anyways.
--I think there should be a comma before "anyways".

Justin held Eloise in his arms and said “I hope your...
--there should be a comma after "said"

Her horrible acne had long ago cleared leaving flawless porcelain skin. Her nose was slightly off center, but it made her face look a bit more exotic and her bright green eyes shone with the happiness that she had long ago forgotten.
--there are a couple of commas missing: one before "leaving" and one after "exotic"

With that she turned off the lights and went to bed.
--there ought to be a comma after "that"


This piece is just SUCH cuteness. I love your unusual pairings! You always do such a great job with them. My heart is still all warm and fuzzy. I ship Justin/Eloise so hard! :D

Thanks, as always, for the swap!

--Penny

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Review #14, by Penelope InkwellMeals With Muggles : Burgers And Chips

24th August 2015:
I relate to Dudley so much about that chicken salad sandwich. There's a local bakery that has one of those, and in the summer I usually stop by about once a week to get some of that deliciousness. It's my special treat and I look forward to it all week long. Yummm :)

You describe that sandwich SO well. You're a chef, aren't you? Or a caterer? Both? I can see where that's coming in. You are really bringing the food to life.

I felt it. I felt that he wasn't going to get to eat that sandwich, and I was legitimately sad for him. I mean I guess things turned out okay ;) But still.

He got the distinct impression that she was no longer solely interested in replacing his sandwich.
--oh, this made me chuckle

She seemed to choose the farthest one away from them and he was forced to awkwardly wiggle between the tightly spaced rows. He didn’t exactly have the smallest frame and had to be careful not to knock things over with his backside as he passed.
--such a great detail

Scanning the menu quickly, Dudley’s eyes were caught by all sorts of strange items. This must be one of those fancy gastropubs, he thought to himself.
-- I like this additional detail that puts him further out of his comfort zone. It might be cool if you listed a few crazy-sounding foods here, though, to make it even funnier.

I like that you have Dudley working for the same company as his father, but not really liking it. I feel like it's a small detail that implies a lot about Dudley's character. Vernon and Petunia were always so proud of Vernon's job at Grunnings--how totally normal it was. Dudley's dissatisfaction reveals that he isn't the same man as his father, and that he might be willing to look for a little more out of life than just boring and normal. I like that a lot. I think that if his children were magical, he might not deal with it *ideally*, but I think he would still love them.

Oh my gosh, all the descriptions in this are SO GOOD. The setting and especially the food. Wow.

Dudley tried to imagine what life must’ve been like for Marietta before, but his limited creative abilities led to him drawing a blank.
--Bahaha!

I think it was a very good idea, to have Marietta give up her magic. I can see why she'd want to separate herself from the magical world, after everything that happened. I mean, people hated Umbridge as much as, if not more than, Voldemort, so Marietta's betrayal was probably not going to be forgiven anytime soon (you can't help but feel for her--that was kind of awful, wasn't it?)

I liked that Dudley and Marietta's panic were mirror images of one another--he because of her magic, and her because of his relationship with Harry. It set them up as being sort of kindred spirits. Vernon and Petunia might like her, although I don't think they'd be so keen if they knew she was a witch. Best to keep that bit a secret (until the Dursley grandchildren get their letters--Muahahaha!)


CC:


filled with curiosity be her evasiveness.
--be = by

“Lamb sandwich for you love and the burger...”
--I think there should be a comma before and after "love", since it's being used as a form of address. That was a really cute detail, though!

Saliva filled his mouth
--everything else sounds delicious, but to me this sounds kinda...unappetizing. Maybe "mouthwatering" would be a possibility? For some reason that sounds good, but "saliva" grosses me out

Also, some friends of Harry’s, and It was tough at first, should both have quotation marks in front of them. When you have two uninterrupted paragraphs by the same speaker, you don't close the parentheses on the first paragraph, but you put a new set in front of the second paragraph. At least, that's how I *think* it works.

The one other thing I had is that it's such a sweet thing in the books when Dudley and Harry kind of reconcile, just a bit. Dudley spends the summer of HBP trying to give Harry cups of tea and stuff, and then before he leaves tells him how he's "not a waste of space", and it's just such great character development, even though it's really minor. As humorous as I find Dudley here, it's sad to lose that improvement entirely. I don't think he and Harry would ever be pals, or anything, but it seemed sort of odd for him to totally dislike him here, too. I do think it was perfectly reasonable for him to be so frightened by magic, though--he really did have some bad experiences!

One thing you could do, if you wanted to, to keep that connection with Marietta but to still portray a slightly better Dudley, would be to make him say that he and Harry don't really get on, but Harry's not an entirely bad guy. And then she could question it and he could hurriedly recount all the horrors he went through growing up to sort of get back on her good side. Maybe he could say he feels like Harry's matured a lot since then, but he still makes him uncomfortable and if he's honest he doesn't want to see much of him, cousin or no. The "matured a lot" bit sounds kind of pompous but well-meaning, and I think it would still appease Marietta, overall. But that's totally just an idea. Your headcanon is still your headcanon and it's perfectly fair to imagine Dudley reverting back to some of his former prattishness. It *was* funny, the way they bonded.


In terms of the quality of the writing I think this is one of the best pieces I've read from you. The description is really top notch, the pairing is intriguing, and they really match up well. There's some humor here, too, and I know you often lean towards horror and angst but this shows how versatile are. It was really cute and just so funny in some places! I really enjoyed it. I think I'm into this Marietta/Dudley thing now. What an idea!

--Penny (swap 2/3)

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Review #15, by Penelope InkwellWhimsy: Rain Rain Go Away

24th August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! Here for our review swap! (1/3)

This is a really adorable piece. I know you said you were worried about not knowing much about children and not getting it right because of that, but I'm a nanny so I deal with children all the time, and I think you did an excellent job. That's exactly what "my" kids would do if I started a game like that (and I've done similar things with them)--the'd elaborate on the animals and generally just go to town!

The image you paint of the Lovegood family is just so sweet and totally believable. I don't know if this is what you were going for, but I felt like Pandora was naming all those creatures to create a fairy tale land for her daughter, who'd have heard about them from Xenophilius. And then he comes in sounding much more sort of scientific about it, and it gave me the feeling that he genuinely believed in all these creatures and told Luna stories about them when she was young, and then Pandora maybe didn't believe in them the same way, but enjoyed telling stories about them because she could see how Luna loved it. It made me think that maybe Luna clung to some of her father's wilder claims for so long because she wanted to believe them, not just for his sake, but because this is one of her most precious memories of her mother. Like maybe Pandora was just telling fairy tales, but Luna didn't know that because she was young. She wanted to keep that dream alive, because it was like a connection to Pandora.

That might just be my interpretation and not what you were going for, but I felt like it was really sweet.

Either way, just the way you paint all the different creatures and the way Luna gets caught up in it? It's adorable! I continue to be regularly amazed by how creative your ideas are for your fics.

“What about the Aquavirius Maggots just in front of your pedestal here? Don’t tell me you mistook them for common brains!
--were those those creepy brain things that were in the Department of Mysteries?! If so, extra points for taking a small detail and elaborating on it!

. Normally, she would spend her days playing with the faeries in the garden or chasing butterflies through the flowers, but today it was raining and the faeries were all hidden, safe and warm in the nooks of the trees that they called home.
--I just loved this bit of set up. It seems like exactly the way little!Luna would spend her days. And also the way you described her as sitting there with her chin on the table. It's such an adorable picture, and just what I can see a little girl like Luna doing when bored.


CC:

I just noticed one thing: All because of your darling!”
--I think this was meant to be, "All because of you, darling."

A lovely job, as always.

--Penny

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Review #16, by Penelope InkwellThe Kings and Queens of Hogwarts : Just Another Marauders Day

24th August 2015:
Hey Katie! Penny here for our review swap!

So, I really think the way you started the story was a cool twist. It's one of the more creative beginnings I've seen. I particularly like how you gave everyone a song, and I kind of liked getting a little bit of background on everyone. There was something sort of "celebrity gossip column" about the whole thing, which goes along well with the idea of their being "the kings and queens of Hogwarts."

and questionable ‘bromance’ with his best friend, Sirius Black.
--Bahahahaha!

Calling Dorcas "Doe" is brilliant. I think that, based on the teeny-tiny bit we know about her, she must be a really interesting person, but that name! I am so glad to see her have a good nickname. And that's such an interesting idea, making her an adoptive sister to James! It isn't really surprising that the Potters would do such a thing, since we know they took on Sirius. I'm really curious to see how that plays out.

I think you portray the Marauders and their dynamic in a very realistic way. I like that they all have distinct personalities, and the characters we know seem true to what we've been told/what we've seen of their personalities in the books.

Man, I have a whole new appreciation for James' and Sirius' bravery (Doe and Marlene, too, but I didn't have much of an idea of them, previously). I mean, there's the typical Gryffindor impulsiveness (to the point of being, perhaps, extremely unwise), but they would definitely have to be brave to do that to Bellatrix Lestrange. I don't even blame Peter and Mary for getting the heck out of the way--girl is crazy, and you do not want to mess with that. However, I'm guessing that this is before Bellatrix became a full-fletched Death Eater, and obviously it's before Azkaban drove her (more) insane, so she probably wasn't as formidable as she is by the time we meet her in HP. Still, she's a scary girl.

'Lilypad!" Ohmygosh! That nickname *wipes tears of laughter from eyes*. He's lucky she hasn't killed him in his sleep.

This chapter definitely starts off with a bang. A brawl in the Great Hall. That's a nice way to get the ball rolling. I feel like there's sure to be plenty of action, and never a boring moment!


CC: I always try to give CC and suggestions, because I really appreciate getting them, but don't feel obligated to take any suggestion. You go with your gut. These are just some opinions and sometimes some grammar things. Alright, on we go:


I really liked the idea of your opening for this chapter, but I read some of the other reviews and saw that some people didn't think it quite fit in with the story. I think there might be some truth to this, but for me it's more of a matter of tone. If you ever were to toy with it again in edits or revisions, I might suggest making it a little more snappy/pop-y feeling, as I think that would match the vibe of your story better. Maybe something even more like an actual gossip column article. You know, like:

James Potter

Position: the Leader

Famous (or Infamous) For:
- his scruffy black hair and wonky wire-frame glasses
- his flawless Quidditch skills
- his (questionable) 'bromance' with best friend Sirius Black
- his relentless pestering and pursuit of one, Lily Evans

Need to Know Details: James is a Potter--as in those Potters--prominent, Pureblooded, and rich as sin. But he's not a bad sort, well known for being kind, confident, and accepting of the 'underdogs'.

Song: "It’s a Long Way To The Top" – AC/DC

(that's totally just a suggestion. It's only one way of doing it, and it's not to say that this is any better than one you already had. These things are always just a matter of taste and opinion. You are the writer, and that makes you the judge. You choose the best thing for your story, and if you love something you should absolutely keep it).


Sirius was equally as arrogant, if not more, than his best friend and was known for being the most desirable bachelor and womaniser in the halls of Hogwarts.
--"equally as arrogant" and "than his best friend" don't quite match up. I know that the "than" is meant to correspond to the "if not more". But I think it's really supposed to match up with the first part of the sentence, grammatically speaking. One way to re-word it might be: "Sirius was equally as arrogant as his best friend, if not more so, and was known for being..."

Then there were the girls; the only people able to have any influence whatsoever on the rebellious Marauders.
--a semicolon should really only be used if both parts of the sentence could stand on their own. I think that in this case, it should probably be a comma or a dash.


Overall, I think this is a good beginning! I love the title of the story, and the fact that you're really including the girls in the Marauders group. And that the girls are actually friends with each other! I'm really glad to see that. It's a promising beginning, and it'll be interesting to see where you take it. Good job.


This was really fun! Thanks so much for swapping with me, and it's absolutely lovely to meet you! :D

--Penny

Author's Response: Hey Penny! :)

Aw this was such a nice review! :)

I thought I'd start by saying thank you for pointing out the little bits that don't make sense! I'm awful at punctuation and proof reading which will probably become very obvious if you read the rest of the story :') I'll change those bit right away.

I really like the idea of it being like celebrity gossip, that definitely a good way of viewing them and I hadn't thought like that but it's really cool! :) I' definitely loving the idea of how you restructure the start and if you don't mind i'll incorporate it, it's a brilliant idea! :) I'll credit you for it as well :)

'bromance' is definitely the only way to describe the two! Lets be serious, it not James and Lily it James and Lily and Sirius :') I'm glad you like the way I've written Dorcas, she's actually turning out to be one of my favourite characters and I really enjoy writing her! I'm so glad you think the dynamic works well! hope fully i'll be able to keep that up throughout :)

I definitely think that James and Sirius love the 'being the hero role' and take the bravary part of being a gryffindor seriously! And I see Doe and Marlene as the female revision of those two :)

Poor Lily haha, If I was her I definitely wouldn't take that, but to me she's too nice to be over the top horrible to James!

I chose the add the fight for that exact reason! I want it to be a really fast paced and interesting fic which keeps everyone on their toes! :)

Thank you again so much for such a lovely review and it was lovely meeting you too! I hope you pop by for another review soon :)

Katie :)


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Review #17, by Penelope InkwellSentience : Debate

23rd August 2015:
Kaitlin, have I ever told you that you're brilliant?

Well, you are.

This is such a creative idea for a fic! I just love the concept. I've certainly never read anything like it.

First off, I liked that you really thought it through and gave the manticores their own unique culture. They value learning, which is apparent in the way that the manticore speaks. I also liked that you gave him such a formal, precise style of speech instead of something rougher, because it let us know right from the beginning that the manticore was going to defy our expectations.

I also love that manticores don't have names as wizards do. That was a small detail that just really sold it for me.

Your writing is good, as always. I loved how you described the courtroom and conveyed the tension, as well as the manticore's nervousness. And the manticore's arguments were excellent. It was so nice to get a peek into the new Ministry of Magic under Kingsley, and the way that they actually are seeking justice over prejudice. The system is changing, and it's such a wonderful, hopeful thing to see. :)

I liked how you had Hermione come in at the end. You set it up so that we'd assume it was her, and it was just heartwarming to see her helping to gain more rights for disenfranchised magical creatures.

“I didn’t really do anything. You had it in you all along. It was just a matter of making them see the light. Now, let’s get you back to Hagrid’s. I’m sure you must be exhausted.”
--it's a simple statement, but it really captures Hermione's voice. I could hear Emma Watson in my head when I read this line.

I'm just still amazed by how creative this idea was. It's really a winner.



CC: Okay, it looks like a chunk of CC, but really almost all of it is just commas or apostrophes. This piece was of very good quality.


It was early Thursday morning and Courtroom Seven was packed to the breaking point.
--packed to the bursting point? Packed to bursting? One of those might be better suited to the statement, since rooms can't really break. But either way, it's a good opening.

Quite a few reporters were present with their quick-quotes quill ready to write.
--Three things here. 1) it should be quills rather than quill, since you're referencing multiple reporters. 2. "Quick-Quotes Quill is usually capitalized; I think it's meant to be a brand. 3. There should be a comma before "ready". So: Quite a few reporters were present with their Quick-Quotes Quills, ready to write.

A long, scruffy, golden beard grew from his chin and mane like fur surrounded his head.
--there needs to be an "a" before "mane". Also, it might work a bit better to say "a fur-like mane" or "a furry mane".

I anger rapidly and watch out when I do because once the rage explodes from me it is unstoppable.
--This needs a few commas. i.e. "I anger rapidly, and watch out when I do, because once the rage explodes from me it is unstoppable."

Kingsley Shacklebolt sat in the center of the front row ignoring his colleague’s commentary.
--I think there ought to be a comma before "ignoring"



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Review #18, by Penelope InkwellFirewhiskey: Chapter 1

23rd August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! Here for review 2/3 of our swap :D

Okay, as soon as you mentioned Firewhiskey, I remembered that I've been meaning to read this! I've seen it before and thought the pairing looked so interesting, but I guess I didn't have time to get to it then. And then I saw it on the Dobby pre-nom list (Congratulations, by the way--this absolutely deserves it!), so I had told myself that I needed to remember to come check it out.

It's so good!

Oh, my gosh, the way you describe everything--it's all so clear. Your details are excellent. Never too much, but still plenty. And the way you described the memorial, and the idea of Charlie trying to carve in the names...

That was heartbreaking.

Also, I'm just really impressed by how you managed to make such an unusual pairing work. It was just right--a moment of companionship, a bit of a kiss. I think you did that just sooo well.

The dialogue is excellent, too. Charlie sounds like a Weasley, and Poppy sounds crisp and precise, exactly what you'd expect from the Hogwarts matron.

Oh, and the part where he has the nightmares about the death of that boy boy--I pictured it as Colin Creevey, since I thought that's who you might be referencing. That was a really nice touch. The trauma of it all was very realistic, and there was something about that--such a violent image, someone he didn't really even know--that really does feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. Tonks, Remus, Fred...all those people may have meant more to him, personally, but it's this boy's death, and the way he just had to watch and could do nothing, that bring him to the breaking point. And I just think that was so believable and so well done of you.


And then they have this really sweet little moment that blooms out of the grief and gives us this brief glimpse of hope and healing.

It's good, because while I don't ship it (the age gap is just too huge. And of course wizards life longer, so it would be one thing if it was the same gap and Charlie was older, but he's so young that it just can't quite work for me), it doesn't come across as creepy, either. Poppy calls out the age difference thing, and it's clear that she's humoring him, but they still have a sort of rapport. It works, which is a miracle in of itself, because that was a tough pairing.

And the way you describe his breakdown--his struggle to hold it together and then his surrender to the grief--was really well done.


It's just really good, Kaitlin. It's so, so good.


CC: (you know me)

Everyone agree that it seemed to be an appropriate monument to those who had fallen in the war and so construction began.
--"agree" here ought to be "agreed", and I think there should be a comma before "and".

His hair was disheveled and his cheeks were red from being so firmly planted to his arms.
--This was a great image, but I wonder if "planted against his arms" might be better than "planted to".

The only other thing I have is that it would be nice if, at some point early on, we were give an idea of what Poppy looks like. Until she said, "I'm almost old enough to be your mother", I was trying to mentally age her down. And even after that, I wasn't sure if she meant that she was nearly as old as Molly--who seems late 50s to me--or that she could, conceivably, have a son about his age, which could put her in her early 40s. But in my head kind she of got stuck between being middle-aged and 60 years old or something, so without any description I had trouble picturing her. It'd be good to have some idea from the get go of how old she is.



You did such a good job with this. Such a good job. It was painful and touching and sweet and just really, really great.

--Penny

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Review #19, by Penelope InkwellThe Sorrows Of The Moon: Catechisms

22nd August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! Here for review 1/3 of our swap!

Man, so this was really interesting! I cannot remember the last time I read a story in second person. Almost never. That's a really interesting challenge, all by itself. I guess to writing all these difference challenge pieces gives you a lot of opportunity to experiment and try new things. That's awesome! I bet you're going to look back after you've completed your goal and just be amazed, not just by what you've accomplished, but by the effect it'll have on your writing. I'm sure it's just going to grow and grow, the way you're challenging yourself like this.

I think you pulled off second person quite well! It's not a style I've read much of, so I'm no an expert, but it seems like it would be hard to do. I'd have a hard time with it, at least; honestly I can't even imagine how to go about it. It would be so different! But you made it work, and produced something of good quality. Especially when I think about how freakin' fast you write...Kaitlin, honestly, I am constantly in awe.

Man, when I realized that this must be Teddy and Victoire's daughter...ooof. Right in the feels. That just made me so sad. But it created this really interesting continuity. There was something about the idea of three generations of Lupins going through this experience in the Shrieking Shack each month that I found sort of...appealing? Even as it was tragic? It gives them this kind of connection.

I think the best part is what you did in the second half, with the transition, and her attempt to retain her grasp on humanity. That was well written, and it was definitely the most powerful part of the piece.

Highlight reel - Those words have become your catechism and you pray that one day, if you say it enough it might come true.

- The moon is the only one who can see you and you know quite well that your secrets are safe with her.


CC: It's mostly just commas, really.

The moon has yet to rise, but its light has already begun to shine just on the horizon casting eerie shadows across everything.
--there should also be a comma before "casting". And I think that you may not really need the word "just". It doesn't quite seem to fit. Maybe, "at the edge lowest of"?

it’s ascent
--it's = its

They too fixated on the rising moon
--I think that "too" should have a comma both before and after it

Without realizing you’ve done it, you place your hand on the window pane in a way that makes you feel that if you push hard enough you’ll be free of your dingy confines.
--I'd recommend two things, here. First, it might be good to split this sentence up: "Without realizing you've done it, you place your hand on the window pane. You feel that if you push hard enough, you could be free of your dingy confines." The other thing is, since you used the word "dingy" in the first sentence, and this is a fairly short piece, you may want to avoid repeating it. Some other options might be "gloomy", "dreary", "dismal", or "grim".

It is whole as if to remind you that that is something you’ll never be.
--needs a comma before "as"

“Très belle,” you whisper sadly though no one is there to hear you.
--I think there should be a comma before "though"

The moon is the only one who can see you and you know quite well that your secrets are safe with her.
--I think I might suggest adding a comma in between "see you" and "and you". It's one of those commas that's kind of optional, but I think it would benefit the sentence.

Those words have become your catechism and you pray that one day, if you say it enough it might come true.
--needs a comma after "enough"


I'm just so proud of you for stretching yourself like this. I think that is so phenomenal. And you've done a good job here. Congratulations!

--Penny

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Review #20, by Penelope InkwellHow to Fix Your Sibling (The Art of Getting Even) : Chapter 3

22nd August 2015:
Hey there! Penny here with review 3/3 of our review swap!

(well, I'm bringing it back. I had to ask one of the validators to delete it briefly because I accidentally submitted it without bleeping out one of the disallowed words from the quotes. So if you're wondering why your review disappeared, that's why! All better now, though.)

I've gotta say, I really like both Rose and Teuila's POV's. Teuila's dry take on everything around her cracks me up. She's fun to listen to, even if she is a bit gloomy.

Ohmygosh. "Man bun" *cries laughing* Professor Nott has a man bun. I like Rose even more now. I feel no fellow feeling with Hugo whatsoever, but I have to say that angry Rose is hilarious.

I like how level-headed Teuila is. You don't just say that she has that quality--you show it. It becomes quite clear in their interaction with Professor Nott that Teuila is capable of keeping her cool and coming up with a solution, even when things aren't going her way.

Plus, I love how she has Hugo pegged from the moment he walks in the room. He is the worst, and Teuila doesn't even know him, but she can tell.

And even though they are clearly on the opposite side of several spectrums, you end the chapter with Rose and Teuila having a bit of an understanding--a moment of truce. I like that Teuila isn't just some angry, anti-social girl with a chip on her shoulder and a hatred of everyone. She's an angry, anti-social girl with a chip on her shoulder and a hatred of most people, but she's willing to look past the surface of someone she dislikes when she sees that they do, in fact, have something important in common.

I'm glad that they ended on good terms, and I hope they're planning to cook something up. I'm not much of a revenge person--I don't believe in it, generally--but in fiction, and particularly in this case, I say GO FOR IT!


CC:

So, the number one thing to watch out for seems to be the fact that, when you're describing what Teuila is doing, you tend to fall into present tense, while everyone else is pretty much always in past.

Weasley took out her anger on picking mint leaves from their stems using more force than necessary.
--This should probably either be, "Weasley took out her anger on the mint leaves, using far more force than necessary to pick them from their stems." Or "Weasley worked out her anger by picking mint leaves from their stems using more force than necessary."

for our Volubilis Potions prep.
--I think it should maybe be "Potion's"

Half way through the potion and Weasley’s grumbling had subsided as did my irritation.
--"Half way" should be one word – "halfway". And I would suggest replacing "did" with "had" so that the end of your sentence matches up. It might also be good to eliminate "and" and to throw in a comma. So, "Halfway through the potion Weasley's grumbling had subsided, as had my irritation."

Everyone else had started to bottle their potions. I huff. I would already be done if I worked alone.
--"I huff" switches suddenly into present. It should be "I huffed".

We were in the process of turning towards each other for a scowl when the cauldron burped, then threw up—exploded. . . with a comical tenor note that I would appreciate—internally, of course, had it not been for my overwhelming rage at Rose Weasley ruining my Potion.
--This is a really funny sentence! I think the humor might show to a little more advantage with a bit of restructuring, though. And "appreciate" slips into present. It should be "appreciated". One possibility would be:
"We were in the process of turning towards each other for a scowl when the cauldron gurgled, burped—exploded—with a comical tenor note that I would have appreciated (internally, of course) had it not been for overwhelming rage at Rose Weasley ruining my potion."

With that matter settled, I work quickly,
--"work" = "worked"

With figurative steel in my voice I answer, “I’ve just moved on.” As I have had to with my father, with my mother, and with my sister. I make a point to clean further away from her to signal that our conversation was over.
--"answer" = "answered"; "make" = "made"

I briefly wondered the effectiveness of this tactic if I applied it to my Becca Issue.
--"wondered the effectiveness" doesn't quite match up. Maybe "pondered the effectiveness"?

Okay, so maybe Weasley and I have more in common than caring about grades: we both have nasty * as siblings.
--"have", in both cases, should be "had".

I nod, surprised that she bothered with the parting words. “Yes.”
-- "nod" = "nodded"


Thanks for the swap! This is a fun story. I'm glad I finally got the chance to read some of it, and I hope to be back soon to read more. I've really enjoyed the beginning, and it sounds like there are plenty of interesting shenanigans to come!

--Penny

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Review #21, by Penelope InkwellA Weasley Vacation: The City of Nargles

22nd August 2015:
I have to say, I understand everyone's concern about the airplanes. Lots of people are concerned enough about them as is. If you had no idea how they stayed up and were used to everything running off magic, it would probably be a much more terrifying prospect.

Aww, Teddy is so sweet. And, yeah, kind of a pushover. But to be fair, I think a lot of people would have offered Molly whatever she wanted. Having a crying kid on your plane is the worst. I'm sure there were plenty of fellow passengers who would have been lining up to offer the same.

I'm trying to even imagine the size of the Weasley family clock at present. What is it, like, Big Ben now? I can't imagine that thing being portable. I guess it's lucky Molly's a witch. Something tells me she's breaking that "no magic" rule.

Oh my gosh, the Weasleys playing charades! That's exactly how it would go down, too, with them pretending not to understand in order to drive whoever is acting completely insane.

Al's ramblings on how to get a hold of some Dutch AA batteries for his collection.
--it's the little things. This detail made me smile. Batteries. Albus is definitely his grandfather's grandson.


CC:

atleast
--should be "at least"

my mums brown hair.
--mums should be "mum's"

I could be wrong, but 10 years old seems a little old to me, to have a crush on your cousin. That's like 5th grade. Typically by that age you know that cousins are romantically off limits, and whether or not you know about the birds and the bees at age 10, you often have some kind of grasp on the idea of inbreeding. At least, that's true of the 10 year-olds I've known. They'd still get obsessed with an older cousin, though, if they thought he or she was really cool. 6 year olds and under would be more likely to have that sort of crush.

I thought I would take after my dad's length.
--height?

"No." Nana said without even giving it a good taught.
This should have a comma instead of a period after "No", and taught = thought. I'd also suggest deleting the word "good", as it's not really necessary. So:
"No," Nana said without even giving it a thought.



I think your premise--a family vacation for all the Weasleys (and friends), where they aren't supposed to use magic--is a really good one. You carry it off with humor, and so far Hugo is an enjoyable protagonist/narrator. I'd suggest going through and trying to clean up a bit of the grammar and mechanics, to make it a bit more easily readable so that it won't distract from the jokes. But, on the whole, I think you're off to a nice start. Good job!

--Penny (review swap 3/3)

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Review #22, by Penelope InkwellA Weasley Vacation: On Their Way

22nd August 2015:
Oh man, no magic, either? That'll be an adventure.

Aw, I don't think they're giving the Netherlands a fair chance. I've heard it's lovely. Granted, I've only ever been there on a layover, so I've only seen the Amsterdam airport. Actually, that was a horrible experience, not that I think of it.

Godspeed, Weasleys.

I am actually legitimately terrified for them to be without magic. Not the kids so much--they're used to it. But the adults? It's like losing a limb. They've probably forgotten how to do tons of things without magic. That should definitely lead to some amusing possibilities.

You continue to have a good, humorous tone that seems very well-suited to the spirit of the fic, and you've drawn the crazy mass of Weasleys well. I shudder to think what will become of them.

Or what will become of Amsterdam.


CC:

Overall it's mostly just general grammar stuff that could use a bit of cleaning up. Commas, capitalization, that sort of thing.

Here are a few specific things I noticed:

"aunt Ginny, nana Molly, granddad."
--All these titles should be capitalized. The only time Grandad wouldn't be capitalized is if you were saying "my grandad" or "Lucy's grandad", but whenever it is being used to refer to a specific person in place of their name, it's capitalized.

"I-I forgot my diary on the airport!"
-- "at the airport" or "in the airport"


--Penny (review swap, 2/3)

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Review #23, by Penelope InkwellA Weasley Vacation: Meet the Weasley's!

21st August 2015:
Hey there! Penny here for our review swap (1/3)

That was a good beginning. You start off with some solid humor, which is always an excellent way to get the ball rolling.

Overall, you've given Hugo a very engaging voice. The whole lot of them are funny.

You've really created a nice tone.

I particularly enjoyed Hugo's assumptions about the Malfoys based on their names (I mean, let's face it: Lucius? Draco? Scorpius? They do sound perfectly ridiculous), and James' reference to Charlie's permanent disappearing act.

Arthur totally would try to get everyone to go on a Muggle-style vacation. And oh, man, there are way too many of them. This is going to be insane. But I have no doubt it will be amusing. With these crazies? No way you could have a boring vacation.

And now I'm really curious to find out--where is he taking them?



CC:

"I can't ," I responded grimly, "Then there'll be no one left to kill me."
--This was a really funny line. But, mechanically/grammatically, it's not set up quite right. Since the second sentence in quotes is an entirely new one, It ought to be:
"I can't," I responded grimly. "Then there'll be no one left to kill me."

It was a, for England, very uncharacteristically rainy day at The Burrow.
--This doesn't quite make sense, since England is famous for being extremely rainy.

Weasley's
--The plural of Weasleys wouldn't have an apostrophe.

"Don't get me wrong, I guess you could say I do love my family," she commented, "But lets face it, we're basically some idiots with wands..."
--This should be: "Don't get me wrong. I guess you could say I do love my family," she commented. "But lets face it, we're basically some idiots with wands..."

Grandads weird obsession
--Grandads = Grandad's

and just hearing there names
--there = their

The Scamanders also tagged along, including Luna and Rolf, the twins Lorcan and Lysander and Loriette.
--This needs something to break up the siblings, either another comma or a hyohen. Without it, it seems like you are saying that the twins are Lorcan, Lysander, and Loriette, which, of course, doesn't make sense. So I'd suggest having it be:
The Scamanders also tagged along, including Luna and Rolf, the twins--Lorcan and Lysander--and Loriette.

forth year
--forth = fourth

There was just too much stupidity combined with an awful much of power
--an awful lot of power, maybe? You can't really have an awful much of something.

Me over thinking the whole situation must've made me snap out from the real world, wich I tend to do.
--overthinking is one word. And wich = which.

"Well at least the weather is going to be better," Rose said. Dom and I looked at her shocked.
--This is missing a couple of commas. i.e. "Well, at least the weather is going to be better," Rose said. Dom and I looked at her, shocked."

"O shut up!"
--"Oh, shut up!"

infact
-- infact = in fact

"I'll go with Oceania," I said quickly, since all reasonable ones had already been picked.
--Why is Oceania more reasonable than Europe? It's a lot farther from England.

alot
--alot = a lot



--Penny

Author's Response: Hey Penny!

Wow, you were quick with your reviews! I left one yesterday (but I guess in my time zone it still counts as today) and then went to sleep. My next two ones I'll get on immediately, while having some breakfast :)

I don't think I've ever gotten so much CC -- which isn't a bad thing by any means, in fact its absolutely wonderful! If you aren't, you should consider becoming a beta reader! You managed to pick out a lot in just barely 1500 words. I glance over these mistakes every single time I reread haha. But I'm not a native speaker & aren't remarkably good at English so yeah, maybe that's why.

2 things about the cc I'd like to comment on though: You said it didn't make sense that I wrote: "It was a, for England, very uncharacteristically rainy day at The Burrow."
But you have to remember, this story is written through the eyes of Hugo, and he's a sarcastic little one. It was meant to be sarcastic :)
Also: "I'll go with Oceania," I said quickly, since all reasonable ones had already been picked."
You didn't understand why Oceania was more reasonable.
The reason for that was implied earlier in the chapter; Basically Mr. And Ms. Weasley are LOADED. And as we all know, Mr.Weasley is rather extravagant. He'd rather choose a crazy destination in Oceania, than a destination in Europe since Europe is alot more similar to home!

Oh, and I wanna apologize in advance: You're gonna see a lot of "alot". Its a bad habit of mine. I use "alot" so much its been adjusted in my phone and it doesn't even classify it as being "wrong" anymore :p
And I write all my chapters on my phone, so yeah... Go figure

Thanks for the swap! Glad you liked it! :D

Alec


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Review #24, by Penelope InkwellI've Already Walked Away: I've Already Walked Away

21st August 2015:
Hey there, Penny here for review 3/3 of our swap!

Ouch. That was some painful Scorose stuff, right there.

I'm really glad that Rose respected herself enough to walk away. It would be one thing if she was always walking away instead of having a legitimate discussion, but this didn't sound like that. It sounded like she was walking away to avoid being verbally ground down to a pulp. Scorpius was no good for her, and I'm glad she decided to break it off and leave him behind.

I was also proud of Hermione. That was totally her. She'd be there for her daughter in a flash and she also wouldn't be afraid to give a Malfoy a piece of her mind.

You did a good job of making us feel Rose's pain. It was hard to see Scorpius falling to his knees like that, calling after her. But I'm glad she stayed strong and still made the best decision for herself. She deserved to be treated right, not verbally abused and constantly berated. If a relationship is toxic, sometimes it just has to end.

CC:

Most of the time I would head for the library, knowing that he’d never be caught dead in there he always sent someone to go to the library for him.
--This is a bit of a run-on. One way it could be fixed might be: "Most of the timeI would head for the library, knowing that he'd never be caught dead in there. He always sent someone to go to the library for him."

I would usually wait until just before curfew before I headed to my common room knowing that he would be in the dungeons already but tonight was different, tonight I was staying in Malfoy Manor for Easter holiday, this time he saw me leave and blocked my path.
--This one's a run-on as well. Ex. "I would usually wait until just before curfew before I headed to my common room, knowing that he would be in the dungeons already. But tonight was different; tonight I was staying in Malfoy Manor for Easter holidays. This time he saw me leave and blocked my path."

"I don’t understand why you find it necessary to leave whenever you don’t get your way.” Scorpius began, “ I’m tired of you running away like a baby every time we fight.”
--This bit isn't formatted quite right. The quote should end with a comma, since "Scorpius began" is still part of the first sentence. Then the next spoken sentence should be a new sentence. Like: "I don’t understand why you find it necessary to leave whenever you don’t get your way,” Scorpius began. “ I’m tired of you running away like a baby every time we fight.”

As much as I wanted to believe him I know things will always be the same no matter what he says, He’ll always be a pureblood Malfoy and I a blood-traitor Weasley.
--This needs to be split up somewhere. I see two good options. 1. "As much as I wanted to believe him, I know things will always be the same no matter what he says. He’ll always be a pureblood Malfoy and I, a blood-traitor Weasley." 2. As much as I wanted to believe him, I know things will always be the same. No matter what he says, he’ll always be a pureblood Malfoy and I, a blood-traitor Weasley."


This was definitely a sad piece, but I was glad to see Rose's strength in it, and Hermione there to represent her supportive family.


--Penny

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Review #25, by Penelope InkwellAway From the Shadows: Chapter 2--A Birthday I'd Rather Forget

21st August 2015:
Like, woah.

WOAH.

That was...that was really quite an outburst. Erm...

I can see why Ron and his kids don't really get on?

Man, I'm like, in shock. There was just a lot there. Like, a whole lot there. Ron just went off the deep end over a 20-something year feud and Hermione just left and took the kids and I do not even know.

Deep breaths.

Whew.

Okay. That was a wild ride from start to finish. I'm trying to get my train of thought back.

Right, so the idea for an enchanted journal was really cool. If it could have immediately rendered illegible and take the fingerprints of anyone who tried to peek, then maybe I would have kept a journal when I was younger. I was always way too concerned someone would find it. Having all my secrets written down didn't really appeal to me. But that is my type of journal. Very cool idea.

And Percy got Rose a new broom? I'll bet that was expensive. I wonder if it's his way of trying to say thank you for the way she's been reaching out to him.

It was really sweet of her to include him, and Heather as well, in her birthday speech, and it's a shame that Ron ruined things that way.

That moment when Rose mentioned that her first instinct was to owl her friend was really tragic.


CC:

On the whole, I'd just suggest trying to break up some of those blocks of text with more description, and maybe saying less of it outright. Some places it might be better to just describe something happening than to have someone say that it's happening.

wither you’re referring
--I think that "wither" here should probably be "whether".


Man, what on earth is going to happen next? Will Ron and Hermione's break up be national news? What will that mean for the kids? What is Rose's relationship with Molly II and Lucy like, anyway.

There's certainly no shortage of questions!

--Penny (2/3 review swap)

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