Reading Reviews From Member: Penelope Inkwell
  
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Review #1, by Penelope InkwellThe Keeper's Daughter: Potterific

3rd May 2016:
Okay, so I saw that there was a new chapter up, and I absolutely leapt upon it like a crazy person. And then:

For Penelope Inkwell.
--I'm screaming. I literally just got *all* the warm-fuzzies. *attacks with a hug* Thanks! :D

Okay, this whole scene with Jane Perry Wood as a mother brings me so much joy. I love the way you've written her and Oliver. They've matured, and they're parents, but they're also still very much themselves. They're fun and, despite Aurelia and Gee's differences, they've created this warm, loving family that is so wonderful to see in a sequel. Jane's mix of supporting and poking fun at her daughter is just adorable, as is the fact that she's too proud of her for throwing a party and kissing Albus to be upset about the illicit NYE festivities. It's so cute!

“I want you to be careful, but I’ll be damned if you’ll be limited. Understood?”
--such a great mom


Albus' letters were wonderful! First, the image of him at a beach house somewhere, piled high with blankets, writing a letter to Gee while wearing mittens, was adorable. But then Albus on whiskey? Ohmygosh. (A++ thank you James Potter for making this happen). I loved the contrast between that and his first letter. Like, initially he's more Albus The Captain, only a bit more open--he's clearly into Gee, caring and cordial and cute, but still comparatively distant. And drunk!Albus' letter is hilarious! Everything from the poor spelling to his lowered inhibitions and the way he talks about their kiss in the hospital wing. Ah, it cracked me up. And, of course:

POTTERIFIC

Potterific!

I think I almost cried laughing. I loved how Georgiana proceeded to address every letter to him thusly. I dearly hope it's her petname for Albus for all time.

Aww, poor, poor Leo. I think we all had a feeling that wasn't going to end well. I love his and Gee's friendship, though. I like how, even though the romance in this story is strong, you also develop Gee's relationships with her friends and her thoughts about herself. That's just good storytelling.

Oh, and Sophie. I was so proud of her for the way she agreed to dial things back when Leo truly was hurting. I mean, she had a very legitimate reason to be upset, but I was glad that she was able to move that a bit to the side and still care about her friends, even though Leo had hurt/annoyed her.

And SPEAKING OF, I was so curious when they couldn't find Sophie on the train. But then the whole team gearing up to look for her was kind of a treat. Isla's immediate action plan with "losing" her diamond earring made me proud of her. And of course I enjoyed Albus and Gee's careening through the compartments, making out and checking for Sophie at the same time. I mean, why not multitask. I bet the Candy Lady saw them and didn't stop them because she shipped it so hard ; )

Leo quizzing Albus and being legitimately happy for him and Gee despite his recent heartache was really sweet. And his teasing about her name brought back a big of levity before the BIG REVEAL.

WHY ON EARTH IS SOPHIA IN JAIL?! What happened? I cannot wait to find out.

CC:

I only had a small question--how did Gee get that letter? If someone, like, chucked it at her, and we're going to find out in the next chapter, that's cool. But if it was an owl, it might be good to see it fly away, just so that we understand where this has come from and it isn't like the envelope appeared out of thin air.


This chapter was wonderful and I just enjoyed it so much! Getting some fun time with Gee and Albus, as well as a cute conversation with Gee and Jane, was such a treat. And the cliffhanger you ended on? I love it! I absolutely cannot wait for the next update, and I'll be looking forward to it eagerly!

--Penny

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Review #2, by Penelope InkwellLike a Multiverse on Fire: Spider

2nd May 2016:
Hey there! Penny here, reviewing for the Slytherin Hot Seat!

Is Pinepple more or less than loved it? Is Pear negative? Is Pomegranite "I want to be trapped in this world 6 months out of the year?" I need to understand the fruit-based scoring system before I'll know how to properly respond ;)

So, I've been meaning to get over to Like a Multiverse on Fire for ages now! You remember how much I was enjoying LAHOF before. Then the Slytherin Hot Seat finally gave me the kick I needed to get over here and get to reading.

Can I just say HOW EXCITED I AM about this?!

I almost never read AU's. Usually it's just not my thing. But I adore this idea. First off, I usually get sad during Marauder's fics, but an AU means that it *doesn't necessarily* have to end in utter tragedy! WHOO!

Besides which, the idea of Hogwarts as a magical college is a really fun idea. I'm already really enjoying the little hints of how you're going to turn it collegiate, like the mascot, their living in "Gryffindor Hall", and likening the Marauders to frat presidents, so I can't wait to see how you incorporate other aspects of collegiate life into this!

Millie and Sirius are as cute and funny as ever. I liked Millie's dry sense of humor and deadpan delivery. And Sirius' crush is cute!

and Sirius was plenty mighty, he knew.
--this guy *rolls eyes forcefully*. Well, that sounds like Sirius, all right.

“You never mentioned it was an Acromantula,” she replied evenly.
-- this! This is the kind of Sirius Black mockery I am here for.

And Sirius had no doubt in his mind that the spider considered him prey. Why else would it have been lying in wait for him to return from his shower, unarmed and vulnerable?
--Sirius' POV is so quirky, but I really buy into his voice. It seems like a younger, more carefree Sirius Black than could ever have existed in the Potterverse, but like Sirius Black nonetheless. I actually really like the way you write him. It's lighter and less angsty than a lot of Sirius fics, and I find the change of pace refreshing.

These crazy kids and their antics. Good gracious, considering how much mischief the Marauders managed in middle and high school, I cannot imagine what they'll get into in college. But I'm certainly eager to find out!


CC: So, you'll remember that I'm a great Millie/Sirius enthusiast as well as, quite possibly, the worst nitpicker on HPFF. All of my suggestions are just that--suggestions--and obviously they're yours to take or ignore as you will. :)

she focused on her annoyance and asked, “Can I help you?” as cool as the liquid nitrogen they used at the ice cream store in the town.
--(1) I believe should be a comma before "as cool" here, since it's a comparison rather than an adverb, like "cooly". I can't explain the grammar rule for it, but I think that's correct. (2) "the ice cream store in town" might sound more natural than "in the town."

It seemed a *little* odd that Sirius would be so concerned about making a good impression by not stuttering or being rude, but didn't seem all that concerned about crawling to his cute neighbor's door at 3 a.m. because he couldn't handle a spider. Like, most guys I know would be at least a little self-conscious about how the girl was going to see them. It seems like he'd be angsting a bit more over looking like a coward in front of Millie.

Sirius followed Millie around his room, as she looked in every place a spider could possibly hide.
--no need for comma

He’d dragger her away
--dragger = dragged

that she only liked to study in the common room downstairs between the times of nine and one, and that her favourite teacup featured their school mascot, Boris the bumbling dragon sleeping belly-up.
-- (1) "between the hours of nine and one" might sound a bit more natural than "between the times". (2) there should be a comma between "dragon" and "sleeping".

Millie’s eyes widened, before she gave a little gasp and closed her eyes tight.
--(1) There's no need for the comma in this sentence. (2) Since we already are talking about her eyes, it might flow a little better to say, "Millie’s eyes widened before she gave a little gasp and closed them tight."


This already looks like so much fun, and I can't wait to work my way through these chapters and be eagerly awaiting updates! So glad the Hot Seat reminded me I needed to come over here! You really know how to right humor well.

--Penny

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Review #3, by Penelope InkwellSettling In: The Common Room

2nd May 2016:
Hey Kapa! Penny here!

‘little Puffies’
--maybe it's the Slytherin in me, but I do not think I'd deal well with Louisa. I'm comforted by the sense that perhaps Scorpius feels the same way. But it's a fun bit of characterization!

I really liked that Scorpius first thought the room was a bit tacky (and I'm not throwing any shade at the Puffs when I say that). It just gives him a bit of that Malfoy-ness, so to speak. Scorpius seems like a sweet boy, and I'm glad, but I'm also really happy that you didn't just leave his roots behind. Basically, in like 2,000 words you've created a more well-rounded Scorpius than fics I've read with 10 times the word count.

like how the members of the House helped the house-elves hide wounded goblin refugees in the kitchens during the Goblin Rebellion of 1612
--is this a canon thing, or did you come up with it? Either way, I really like that detail!

BAHAHA, the Badger Song! Why are all the songs at Hogwarts so horrible?! I imagine that some headmaster in the past took the Dumbledore approach to hiring staff (i.e. Hagrid "Sure I'm not qualified as a teacher, I sometimes endanger students, and the sub is by every measure a better educator, but I'm a very nice guy!" I say that while loving Hagrid tremendously). So now I'm imagining some early Hogwarts chorus teacher, hired despite their complete lack of competence, forced to become the Hogwarts Head Lyricist, just because the Headmaster/Headmistress thought that it would be really fun to have ridiculous school lyrics forever

Good--and by good, well, you know what I mean ;) --job with the song, haha!

I really want to know who Scorpius thinks wrote this thing.

You know, I have my questions about all the laced cookies, but if you told me an hour of my sleep could count for 2, I think I'd eat pretty much anything you gave me.


CC: You write really well and cleanly, so I hope you don't mind that I had to get a bit nitpicky with the CC.

Now he and the other ‘little Puffies’ had instead been led by Louisa Boivin and another Prefect to a round, warm, and earthy, underground basement.
--There's something about all the commas at the end of this sentence that keeps it from flowing as well as it might. I say this knowing that I throw commas absolutely everywhere, personally. But I think it might be smoother if you took out the comma before "underground". I know it's technically an adjective describing the noun "basement", and I can't actually explain why, grammatically, but for some reason it looks like you could get away with losing it, and I think doing so might make the sentence flow better.

(Scorpius couldn’t see how anyone could get it wrong after Louisa’s agonisingly slow demonstrations, except perhaps by pure spite.)
-- "out of" pure spite might fit the sentence better than "by"

the bright yellow pillows of the bulky sofa he was quickly being led towards was round.
--"was" here ought to be "were" since it describes the pillows.

First: How many of you expected to end up in another House?”
--I think it would look better here if "How" were lowercase.

anecdotes about badgers (for example, that badgers would share their burrows with rabbits and foxes)
--technically, those are facts about badgers. It would only be an anecdote if someone told a story about an experience they had with a badger, or something like that.

So, as you can see, quite nitpicky. I just always try to do some CC, but you've got great grammar and mechanics skills, so I had to dig a little deeper.


This is a really cute fic, and I want to keep a lookout for more chapters in the future! It's nice and light and fun, and I could definitely use some more stories like that. Plus, you just write so well! I can definitely see why you won the Dobby for best new author last year! I think you certainly deserved it! Thanks for the swap. We should do it again some time; this was fun!

--Penny

(P.S. I saw a reference to the Lizzie Bennet Diaries on your profile page! I loved those! Me and my friend ran into the actor that played Mr. Collins once at Disney world, which was kind of crazy and fun!)

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Review #4, by Penelope InkwellSettling In: The Start-of-Term Feast

2nd May 2016:
Hey Kapa! Penny here for our review swap!

I love the idea of Astoria sending Scorpius off with that reminder. She equipped him for what he was going to face, but she made sure that he knew that nothing--nothing--was his fault. I imagine Draco and Astoria being fairly protective parents, so something about that just really resonated with the way I imagine their family.

- You have an admirably open mind for someone who isn’t Muggleborn.”

- “Er… thanks?”

--This was so CUTE!

There had been a few claps just after the Hat made its verdict, but they had echoed hollowly and quickly died out. Scorpius suspected they’d come from newly sorted muggleborns who didn’t know better.
--I loved that detail. Oh, poor Scorpius. This really is terribly awkward. But I'm glad he went with his gut and let the Hat do its job!

Oh! It kills me that Scorpius would have to deal with his surname being in the most recent edition of History of Magic textbooks in a negative way. That just makes it all so much harder! And to imagine him getting all his text books and having a peek at them early, gearing up for Hogwarts, and finding that for himself?? Oh, I just want to hug him!

I think you balanced Hufflepuff house out well. I'm glad to see that some of them started clapping for him, eventually. I'm sure that they were stunned at first, but that fits with the idea of Hufflepuff warmth and hospitality. But still, not *all* of them did, and that was good characterization, too. After all, everyone has their prejudices, and they don't just have all their house traits in equal dosages. I just appreciate when people don't write the houses as though they are monoliths; not all Gryffindors are brave, not all Hufflepuffs are warm and fuzzy, not all Slytherins are ambitious, and not all Ravenclaws are brilliant. I think you did a good job of portraying the mix of traits, both in the conversation with the Sorting Hat and in the Hufflepuff's response. It's the little things that get me :)

“Cool name!”
--Scorpius, make this kid your best friend right now. You may never find anyone who responds to an introduction that way again.

Kevin, on the other hand, only really learned that Scorpius liked lamb chops a lot.
--for some reason, this little detail just cracked me up!


CC: So, I always try to give a bit of CC, but of course you're the author and you know best what'll suit your story. It's yours to take or leave as you will :)

Scorpius Malfoy took a first, hesitant, step towards the stool where the Sorting Hat stood.
--I don't think you actually need the comma after hesitant. So: "Scorpius Malfoy took a first, hesitant step towards the stool where the Sorting Hat stood."

but the only one he could find was that of his aunt, Sagitta Malfoy, seated at the Slytherin table.
--how does Scorpius have an aunt whose last name is Malfoy, when Draco was an only child? Did Lucius and Narcissa, like, adopt later in life or something? Could it be a cousin? Sorry if this is a tie in to another fic of yours and I just don't know, but the title of "aunt" just gave me questions.

Other than that, I really only wished it were longer!

It may be a short chapter, but I had great fun with it. And I loved seeing someone (or maybe 2 someones) sorted into Hufflepuff who possessed a bit of snark! This piece is quite clean and well-written, and it's also just plain adorable. It's crazy that it doesn't have more reviews yet! I'm really glad that we did this swap so that I could enjoy it.

I'm gonna go ahead and bop over to leave a review on the next chapter, because any of mine will be about twice the length, and that doesn't seem a fair trade. So I'll see you in the little grey box at the end of chapter two! Till then!

--Penny

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Review #5, by Penelope InkwellMagpie: The Clearwater Remains

2nd May 2016:
Hey Jenna!

So first of all I've been terrible. I thought I had reviewed this chapter, because I'm quite sure I read (and loved) it, hitherto. I'm normally good about reviewing, but I guess I got so caught up in this when I first found it that I forgot! Sorry! On the bright side, I'm back to do it now. I saw that you'd added some chapters and I'm so excited. And I did need to brush up anyway. I never got caught up before my hiatus last year, and I'm so excited to be catching up now.

Your details are splendid! Honestly your writing style just inspires me so much. I always want to really paint the picture in my writing, and reading your work just sort of feeds that.

It’s only half-ten in the morning, and already the day is heavy.
--that description is so simple, but so relateable

Is this "Drey" the Audrey that Percy ends up marrying, I wonder? I could see how they could fall together, if he's around. After all, it must be hard when your former girlfriend is murdered. I could imagine him coming into a bar looking for comfort, and Audrey seems so sweet.

Penelope changed: she bounced around the corridors, smiled sappily at Filch as he sent a suspicious look her way, her quill scratching with sappy love poetry long after the rest of us in the dorm had put out textbooks and torches to rest.
--the bit about smiling at Filch was so great. I could just see it in this little Hogwarts love montage

Oh my gosh! You draw out the suspense and intrigue so well. Penelope has a photograph with the murdered boy? At first I thought this was just a Muggleborn thing, but is it more connected to Penelope than we realize? I am *so* curious.

My boots click on the marble floors, the great vaulted ceiling glimmering high above my head. Gringotts is a place of ancient prestige, where voices and gazes must be lowered: the very air is stale and smells of must and money.
--your description is so fantastic. Seriously, I could go on and on, just gushing over your word choice and ability to really *paint* a scene into being.

Quills scratch in stern silence
--another little snippet that I loved

Your entire description of Weasleys Wizard Wheezes is positively magical! I really enjoyed that.

Aw, George is such a cutie. I like how you're really differentiating between their personalities. The way he's a bit shyer, but immediately becomes more at ease with his brother around was a great detail.

I've never known anyone who died,
--oh this made me so sad, considering the future

Okay. They've had like 2 interactions and already, I ship it :)



CC: You know that your writing is unbelievably excellent. I just have one of those crazy minds that notices these things, and you'd mentioned before that it helps you whenever you feel like going through and tidying a chapter, so here's what I noticed in the way of typos and such.

because of it’s location right behind Gringotts
-- it's = its

the assorted mix of gossiping white-haired men that once seems to find
-- once = one

Tugging my black raincoat tightly around me, I accidentally step right into a deep puddle, soaking my foot past the ankle and curse loudly.
--there should either be another comma before "and". Or else "curse" should be changed to "cursing".

and included a proud photograph of Professor Sprout, my old Herbology teacher, proudly clutching
--since "proud" and "proudly" are both used in this sentence, it might be good to use a synonym. Cutting the first proud would also work, since it's covered in your description of Professor Sprout.

No quotes from Dumbledore. Reads one cramped line in her familiar hand.
--I think this should be No quotes from Dumbledore, reads one cramped line in her familiar hand.

The word "familiar" may be getting a little overused in this chapter. I noticed it cropping up a lot.

in the ice tea Audrey has sent over our way,
--It's never previously mentioned that her name is Audrey, so this came as a bit of a surprise. It might be good to slip it into her introduction, or have her mention it personally at some point, rather than just throwing it in without us knowing how they learned her full name.

I adorn my raincoat and wander
--Adorn isn't quite the right word here. Maybe "don"?

clausterphobic
--sp = claustrophobic

a tiny, flaming horse and rider gallop in a circle of curling, browning paper, so quickly that I nearly imagined it.
--this is a wonderful image! I loved that idea. But it might make a bit more sense as "so quickly that I nearly thought I imagined it."

"Want to see something cool?" He replies,
-- "He" here should be lowercase.


I am absolutely loving this! Your writing is so beautiful! I cannot wait to read more. Well, I might have to wait a little, bc I might fall asleep any second, but still. I cannot wait in principle. Lovely work, Jenna!

--Penny

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Review #6, by Penelope InkwellA Wedding: A Secret

1st May 2016:
Swap 1/2

Hey Gabbie! I've finally worked my way over for our swap! Here I am, ready to give chapter 2 some love!

There was a sea of red smothering the landscape and Albus thought that the Burrow was on fire before he realized that it was merely a large crowd of his relatives.
--Baha! Love that you're launching right into the humor. All those Weasley redheads.

I love how Albus tells Lily that there aren't going to be acrobats while kind of eyeing the joint unsurely.

-“I don't think she's been this bad since Bill and Fleur's wedding.” She finished, shuddering.

-“Don't remind me,” their father said, paling.

--I loved this little throwback to Molly's wedding craze back in Deathly Hallows!

You do a good job of dropping a hint with that scar. It makes me eager to find out what's happening there. So Draco & Pansy got divorced? Did he marry Astoria? Or someone else? I'm quite curious!

Lavender was very good at magic but she would probably conjure a flock of demonic bunnies to eat Scorpious if she were angry enough...
--Hahaha!

“I can't believe there's more of you?”
--I have to say, that seems like a *pretty* innocuous comment, but I could see how Ginny would take offense. She & Fleur didn't get on in the books & I could imagine that rivalry & negative bias continuing through their entire lives.

Oh my gosh, a crazy Pureblood cult tried to use Scorpious' blood?!? That's where his scar comes from? Oh my, but that is some dramatic backstory! I suppose I can see why he's so short-tempered. To say he's had a rough go of it would be an incredible understatement. Do you have a separate story about that?

Lavender was a wonderful person but out of the three of them, Albus had to admit that she was probably the weirdest
--Really? Weirder than you, Albus, a boy who reads his little sister's diary for tips on "coolness" & is currently sporting what *may* possibly be centuries-old womenswear? Stranger than Scorpious "Temper at the Drop of a Hat" Malfoy? Really? Those in glass Burrows shouldn't throw stones, Al ;)

-“You look like you're hyperventilating,” Albus said dryly.
-“Then let me, dammit!”

--You've nailed exactly how it feels when you're blushing & your friend decides to *call attention to it*! Why?! would they DO that??

Albus wondered why it felt like he had just walked in on his parents snogging.
--that's another fun description of the awkwardness when 2 friends have ~romantic tension~.

Oh poor Scorpious! I'm guessing that Lavender won't have him bc he has a history as a player. And then next thing she's saying she might move off to India! That is tragic! I mean, for Albus, too. I know it's easier to travel with magic, but it's hard to have a dear friend move halfway round the world. And judging from the group dynamic I'm seeing, things *really* could never be the same without her.


CC: The main things are still some run-on sentences. Those chiefly arise from the way you're doing the dialogue, though, so it's an easy fix.

The problem is that most of your dialogue isn't in the right format. Typically, unless the sentence before is describing *how* the dialogue is said, the dialogue will being a completely new sentence. Then, stuff like he said quietly *isn't* meant to be in a new sentence. You just separate it from the dialogue with a comma. I've pulled a few examples from the text:

(1) The damage had been done and he would probably be buried in these ratty old robes by the end of the day, “It's so crowded.” He heard their mother murmur after a moment as they all seemed to take in the giant mass of people milling about.
--This should be: The damage had been done and he would probably be buried in these ratty old robes by the end of the day. “It's so crowded," he heard their mother murmur after a moment as they all seemed to take in the giant mass of people milling about.

(2) ...as if she expected Aunt Fleur to be lurking around the corner like a Boggart, “I don't think I've seen so many of our relatives being in one place in a long time.” She said, sounding baffled.
--Here it would be: ...as if she expected Aunt Fleur to be lurking around the corner like a Boggart. “I don't think I've seen so many of our relatives being in one place in a long time,” she said, sounding baffled.

The exception would be like: He dropped his voice and whispered, "Where have you been?" But in the cases I saw, the sentence prior to the dialogue doesn't tie in that way, so they should be split. I point this out bc your dialogue is SO funny, & I don't want anything to take away from it.

- The Malfoy's were still infamous
- some old grudge they have against the Weasley's
- the true nature of Wendigo's

--watch out for using apostrophes to indicate plurals. This should be Malfoys, Weasleys, Wendigos.

Albus was really looking forward to getting out of the heat, he felt like a baked potato and the high, lacy collar was making him itch.
--This sentence is really funny! I loved it. However, it should be split by either a semicolon or a period, as it's a run-on. i.e. Albus was really looking forward to getting out of the heat; he felt like a baked potato and the high, lacy collar was making him itch.

I just had a question--why is Percy doing so much for Roxie's wedding? It might be good to explain that somehow. Maybe she's his favorite niece? He lost a bet with George?

Scorpious, canonically, is spelled Scorpius.


This chapter was super cute & fun, just like the last one. I really do enjoy reading a humor fic from you. Albus' voice is so woebegone & funny! I'm already enjoying the characters, & I feel connected to them, you know? You're great at writing characters that people want to root for, & connect to quickly. That's such a great skill! I enjoyed this chapter & look forward to more!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for stopping by with this review! I haven't forgotten about yours, I've just been kind of busy doing stuff. I had to get my hair done and I've been packing for another move. It's been a mess. Hahaha.

Anyway, this!

I wasn't quite sure about this chapter and I struggled with it a lot. It originally doesn't start this way at all, I actually open on a fight between Scorp and Teddy of all people. That didn't quite fit at the time so I decided to save that for later and thought the visual gag of red would be a better opening.

You know, there might actually be acrobats at the wedding. I'm not quite sure just how crazy I want it to get, I might not do the dancing elephants though. Hahahah.

I haven't actually written Grandma Molly yet but I love these little odes back to canon. It had to be a nightmare, I'm sure.

I explain the scar in the next chapter, it's actually some pretty grisly stuff so be prepared for a mood change. Haha. Draco and Pansy are divorced but he's not married to Astoria. I haven't really talked much about his new wife but I'll have her included briefly so I don't confuse you guys.

I feel like Fleur and Ginny will never get along. I'm exaggerating their animosity for comedic reasons but I honestly don't think they hate one another. It's more like a mutual misunderstanding that they have never cleared up.

Yes! A crazy cult DID try to take Scorp's blood! That actually is a reference to my other story, "Albus Potter and the Dark Lord's Prince." It's my first fanfic and although these specific events haven't happened yet, it is a very important part of that story.

Awkward teen romance is fun! Hahah.

Well, to be fair: Out of the three Misfits, Lavender really is the weirdest for some of the stuff she does. You would have to read Albus Potter and the Dark Lord's Prince because it's clearer in that story. Hahaha. Albus is a goofy kid and Scorp has his temper but Lavender is something else entirely.

I'm not quite sure what.

Oh! I've corrected all of these CC's in my edited version of this chapter. I wasn't really feeling it and went back a while back to clean it up. Most of these things I changed but I appreciate the help, I can always go through and sweep up a few more.

Percy is doing so much for Roxanne because he loves her dearly but at the same time, he and George are having a competition to see who can throw the most outlandish parties. I think I scrapped that from this version of the chapter because Harry mentions it to Ginny and the kids shudder at how awful both of them are. Hahahah.

Also, Percy and George are very close in my universe so it's not that unusual for him to do this for Roxanne. He kind of spoiled George growing up and he does the same for his kids.

I spell Scorpious with that annoying "O" because it's kind of like...making fun of myself for not being able to spell. I kept messing up his name in my other story and oddly enough, it just stuck. He feels more like mine and not quite like the other legions of Scorpius's running around on the forums.

It's the same reason why in A Force of Wills, Astoria's brother has the same spelling. I'm a lazy person, don't judge me.

*Shakes fist*

I'm glad that you enjoy the story so far and I hope to see you again for the third chapter. It has a slightly different tone than these first two, so it'd be nice to hear from you. :D

Much love,

Gabbie


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Review #7, by Penelope InkwellThe Unmarried Weasley: The Unmarried Weasley

1st May 2016:
Hey Ysh!

I'm just popping around, trying to do a few random reviews before bed, and I thought I'd come check out this story. I'd been thinking lately that I'd never read anything of yours and should rectify that and, what can I say? The lovely banner pulled me in.

Well dang. I'd never thought of a Tonks/Charlie relationship. Tonks and Bill, maybe, since I seem to remember that Molly preferred her to Fleur, but I don't *think* this pairing had ever occurred to me. But it does make perfect sense. Charlie and Tonks were the same age, and I can see how someone who went on to raise dragons for a living fell for someone as good-natured and low maintenance as Tonks.

I was really glad to see that you worked her characteristic klutziness in, but that she was graceful on a broom. That was a nice detail. Really, the whole way you wrote Tonks was great. She valued herself and had her pride, but she was also kind and forgiving. And maybe, sometimes, she was a little oblivious.

Baby!Tonks and Baby!Charlie were so precious! I loved all the times you worked in her use of her metamorphmagus powers. What a score for Hufflepuff (a truly underrated house), having someone as awesome as Tonks!

Yeah Tonks! Defend the Slytherins! I was so happy to see the shout-out to Andromeda, and to see that it made Tonks less prejudiced than some of the Weasley boys were.

I also thought it made a lot of sense that, even if she wanted to kiss Charlie, Tonks would never cheat on her boyfriend. It's that Hufflepuff loyalty. But still! How different things could have been!

The saddest part was the fact that they weren't incompatible. I could imagine Charlie and Tonks going on to have a happy life together, and who knows what might have happened? I mean, in a relationship there's rarely only one party at fault, but it seems like the biggest problem was that Charlie couldn't quite get his act together. First, he was horrible to her boyfriends, which was no way to win her over. But I also felt that was perfectly in character and standard Weasley--after all, it's not like Ron was exactly smooth. He managed the Hermione/Krum situation almost exactly the same way. They got their stuff sorted probably half by Hermione being a very perceptive person, and half by the fact that circumstance kept drawing them together when, in another world, they might have fallen apart. Tonks and Charlie didn't quite have that luxury.

It's like, if he could have stood his ground once and just risked it, you know? I mean, I know he felt rejected when Tonks stopped kissing him, and on the one hand I'm glad that at least he sort of respected her choice? BUT if he had just said, "No, we're not gonna forget it. Not yet," and laid it all out on the table--that he'd had a crush on her for ages, that he only dated Sarah Griffiths to try to forget her, that he wanted to be with her and would she just break up with McCain--if he'd just been straightforward... ugh How different might their relationship have been? At the least, how many years of friendship might have been saved.

Same thing with the ring! If he'd just told her that she was wrong, that she wasn't tying him down, that he loved her...Ugh, my heart. But it also really fit well with his character that he never quite understood about people. After all, Charlie really was best with his animals.


CC: Okay, I always try to give a bit of CC. And in the words of Albus Dumbledore "This is, as they say, your party." You're the author, and you know what's best for your story--I won't mind if you take or leave it :D . Your writing is really excellent, so I had to be much nitpickier, but here are the little things that I did notice.

Molly Weasley was a quintessential mother
--I think that, when using that word "the" quintessential mother would be more correct than "a".

Human.That heavy thing
--these sentences need a space between them

After the game -
--it might be good to put this in Italics. It seems like it might be meant to be more of a timestamp.

with it’s force.
--"it's", here, should be "its"

It was chilly outside, but he didn’t seem to mind.
--The word "seem" doesn't, well...doesn't seem quite right, I don't think, since we're more or less in Charlie's head here. He'd know if he minded or if he didn't, wouldn't he?

boys behaving extra boisterous
--boisterous = boisterously

“This isn’t the end of a relationship, but the reunion of a great friendship.”
--It passes, but it doesn't seem like "reunion" is the most correct word here. Maybe "restoration", or "return"?



I'm love Remus and Tonks, and I'm so glad that you didn't sink their ship, but still gave us a very realistic high school romance and a reasonable explanation for why Charlie stayed away until the final battle. And, even if he'd been frustrating (somewhat sympathetic, but frustrating), I'm glad we got to see Charlie be a good guy in the end. It's like his biggest act of bravery was letting Tonks go, pushing her towards Remus, and that's the moment when you can really see why Charlie was a g I can't imagine what it must have been like for him, losing his brother and seeing the love of his life dead, all on the same day. I hope he found some happiness in life. I know this was a longer one-shot, but I enjoyed it from beginning to end. You have a great writing style--nice and smooth, with good grammar, plenty of description, and good dialogue. You've done a great job with this piece, and I'll have to pop back by your AP and read some more of you excellent work soon!

--Penny

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Review #8, by Penelope InkwellThe Sorting Of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: Are you sure?

30th April 2016:
Hey Kaitlin! I had a minute, so I thought I'd come and give your incredible AP some well-deserved love, since you've met your incredible goal.

What a great idea for a one-shot!

Gravely, the Headmaster nodded, the edges of his mouth bent downwards in a deep frown. “Yes, my dear. I’m afraid so.”
--BAhaha! The headmaster's a jokester. I love it! I wonder if Dumbledore modeled himself a bit on that in later years. Now he seems so severe, but down the line, when he isn't taking himself too seriously, I can imagine him thinking back to good old Headmaster Trimble and deciding that humor was an excellent quality to bring to the job.

He’d always imagined it sounding differently in his own mind and wondered if it was like that for anyone else.
--I like this detail

I'm always so amazed by the way you're able to come up with so many ideas so quickly, and I really loved this one. I don't think I ever thought about Albus Dumbledore, but it's true--we see so many different house qualities in him. He was obviously brilliant, with a thirst for knowledge, and could have fit well in Ravenclaw. He was ambitious and superior, so he could've easily been sorted into Slytherin. And we know he was also compassionate, which is a Hufflepuff trait. So, where did the Gryffindor element come in? I mean, we see him being quite brave later in life--taking on Grindelwald despite all the underlying emotions (and potentially having to face the truth about who killed Ariana); facing down Voldemort; choosing to die earlier than he might have, so that Draco could be spared. He *was* brave. But it seems like a lot of that came out later in life, and it makes me wonder if Dumbledore was always brave. So I love the idea that he chose Gryffindor to learn how to be brave. It seemed very Albus Dumbledore, and it also warmed my heart.

I also really enjoyed the way you painted his character as an 11 year old. He does come across as very cerebral, and initially you almost expect him to be cold. You really bring that air of superiority across. But you also have him show kindness to Elphias, which rounds his character out. Still, that pervasive superiority is great, because I definitely got the feeling in the books that Dumbledore's humility was a developed trait, something he got through the wisdom of age.

CC:

Although he simply introduce himself as Albus when asked,
--introduce = introduced

Once all of the students were properly sorted, they filed quietly into the hall.
--it might be better to avoid the word "sorted" here, since in this context that means something different. At first I was confused, like, wait, they've all been sorted into their houses already? "Organized" might be a good alternative.

firey orange color
--firey = fiery

“Albus Dumbledore,”
--this is nitpicky, but the only other student was mentioned with her last name preceding her first, and we know that's how they usually call out names for the sorting, so this broke the pattern.

Names Elphias, by the way,”
Names = Name's


This was a cute little glimpse into Albus' life! I've never read a one-shot about him being sorted before, and I think it was an excellent idea. And it was adorable to see Dumbledore and his future lifelong friend meet and just be casually discussing Dragon Pox cures during their first year Welcome Feast :D I can see why they were friends for so long. Oh, and I loved that he wore purple robes. It just made me think of the school supply list in Harry's day where it specifies "Three sets of plain work robes (Black)". I wonder if Hogwarts made that rule after Dumbledore--they just couldn't handle his fashion! ;)

I enjoyed this, and once again I'm so proud of all you've accomplished! You're phenomenal!

--Penny

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Review #9, by Penelope InkwellIris: Challenged

29th April 2016:
Hey Ella! Here for 2/2 of our review swap!

So, James is in the forest on a dare, is he? Makes sense. Very Gryffindor ;) I like that as a beginning; it launches us straight into the action.

I'm really interested in your depiction of Fred as someone who loves fun, but who has a temper and can be a little cruel sometimes. I think it fits in well--it was always a bit of a Weasley trait to have a great sense of humor, but the main fault that, say, Ron or Ginny had was occasionally taking things too far. I've never seen a version of Fred like this and, as I said previously, I really like seeing something new.

“You sure you can handle this, mate? You never know, you might come across a puddle in the forest and run out screaming.”
--Okay, I laughed. Sorry James!

I'm definitely interested to see why James has a fear of swimming. I can't wait to see how that will come into play.

He always used to say it was the one thing he loved more than our grandmother.”
--of the car. The CAR. That was super cute and funny!

“FILCH! HE’S COMING! ABORT, ABORT!” a first year we had put on look out at the bridge, cried out in utmost fear.
--the image of this first year running after them screaming about Filch was, frankly, hilarious. Also adorable.

James is such a cutie, bringing meat just for the Thestrals. Kindness to animals--especially strange ones--is a quality that bodes well in a guy. I'm glad you showed us that side of him right off. James may swagger around a little, but that doesn't mean he isn't a great guy.

He's definitely got the Gryffindor chivalry and bravery (and a bit of recklessness). Reviving the wolf when he saw that the body-bind curse was upsetting Charlotte. Putting away his wand despite all the unknowns of the situation. I wonder if he's always good with animals. He seems to have a real skill for dealing with skittish creatures and frightening situations.

I had meant to mention, last time, that the way Harry was described as a dark wizard really amused me, but it was interesting, too. I definitely want to know what Charlotte will think when she finds out James is his son.

Wow, she can summon an actual storm? I wonder if Charlotte will be a very powerful witch, once she's got a proper wand and education. Which I dearly hope will happen!

So, she has a French accent? I'm definitely wondering where that could have come from. You're very good at setting up questions that we're just dying for the answers to. You know how to string us along with intriguing little tidbits which, to me, is one of the most important qualities of a good writer. You definitely leave us wanting more, in the best of ways.

Okay, that ending!!! He called her Iris! I wonder if that's her real name; if that's what her magic is trying to tell her by producing iris flowers after she forgets something?


CC:

There were fist pumps and slaps on the back while every Gryffindor from, first year to seventh, stared at me.
-- you don't need any commas in this sentence

To them this was simply the usual crazy bullshit that my cousin Fred and I pulled on a weekly route...
-- a route is like a path. I think "at a weekly rate" might suit the sentence better.

knew of that place within me that swarm with my darkest desires and impulses...
--this should either be "the place that swarmed with" or "the place that swam with". Either of those would work, but "swarm" isn't past tense like the rest of the sentence.

Albus, who was a good headshot shorter than me, held the usual look of concern, he picked away at the loose thread of his school robes and I didn’t need a genius to tell me he was frightened I wouldn’t come back.
-- (1) "who was a good headshot shorter than me" should just be "who was a good head shorter than me". (2) This is a run-on sentence. It needs to be split up a bit. For instance, "Albus, who was a good head shorter than me, held his usual look of concern. He picked away at the loose thread of his school robes and I didn’t need a genius to tell me he was frightened I wouldn’t come back."

remember it’s whereabouts.
-- it's = its, in this case

He smiled sadly and I shared the same expression as he walked me closer to the forest edge where we were out of eavesdrop, “and while we’re at it, hand me over the invisibility cloak. Can’t have you hiding from the acromantula now, can we?”
-- (1) "out of eavesdrop" isn't quite right. The usual phrase is "out of earshot", but you could also say "out of eavesdropping range." (2) The dialogue should begin a new sentence, i.e. "And while we're at it..."

let out a shrill like noise
--shrill is and adjective, not a noun or a verb, so you don't need to say "shrill like". Just "a shrill noise".

they were followed by more scares,
-- "scares" here should be "scars", I think.

Her heart shaped face, which I thought was faultless from a distance, was infact tired and worn.
-- "infact" should be "in fact"

"speak english”
--English should always be capitalized.


Please don't be scared off by all the CC! I really put it in because I like the story so much, and because, when I make errors, I never want people to feel bad about telling me. If I can correct it, it makes my story lay smoother. And I'm nitpicky, but you've done a great job. Your characterization so far is really good, your dialogue is natural, and your ability to paint a picture is excellent. I'm thrilled that you switched to James' perspective for this chapter! I'm a big fan of multiple POV fics, so the fact that we'll see this story from both James & Charlotte's perspective really excites me!

I am SO intrigued by what you've done here. You really know how to weave a good tale. I'm gonna be keeping an eye out for your next update. I'm really eager to know where Charlotte (or is it Iris) goes from here!

--Penny

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Review #10, by Penelope InkwellIris: Found

29th April 2016:
Hi Ella! Penny (Penelope Inkwell) here for our review swap!

So, first off, can I just say I am so intrigued?! You really kick this story off with a fascinating start, and I am so curious to see where you'll take it.

The beginning was inspired. The way you launched right into the action like that--I could really feel the stakes. Even when Charlotte first woke up, I had questions about it being a dream, and when she had that blood on her wrists? Yikes! What is going on here?

The story has a sort of Rapunzel feel to it, given that Charlotte's "mother" is clearly using her to try to stay young (or something). Based on your summary, I'm gonna guess that she's a hag, which is so original! I've never read a story on HPFF about hags before, and I'm really excited to see something new!

Oh my gosh, when her mother told her to say Obliviate? I was just like "Ohhh no." Yikes! I do wonder what is up with this flower thing. But I like it, and I'm eager to find out the meaning behind it.

Oh, and ohmygosh, I loved--LOVED--the thought you put into Charlotte's magic! The fact that she could do little things, like summon water, but couldn't channel it well enough to heat it fits in so well with witches' need for wands. That was really well thought out, and it was a detail I very much enjoyed. Oh, and speaking of great details...

The car! The Weasleys' Ford Anglia! I just got so excited to see it included. It's the perfect refuge for Charlotte, was such a fun little shout out, and it gave us an idea of place. Since we then realized we were in the Forbidden Forest, it made perfect sense to see James Potter there. Feeding a Thestral, I presume? Another detail I enjoyed.

They say curiosity killed the cat, but it was satisfaction that brought it back
-- FINALLY someone remembers the second part of the adage! It made me so happy to see that.

I'm definitely curious about this book--how did it come to be buried there? But I hope she reads it & finds out about her mother, soon! This girl needs to get the heck O-U-T of there.

Oh, & poor Charlotte! She doesn't know about magic! She doesn't know that James didn't hurt Beast! All she knows about wizards is that, supposedly, they're dangerous. I absolutely cannot imagine what she's going to do next.



CC: Okay, anyone can tell you, I'm big on the CC (ask Gabbie; she'll tell you ;) ). If I think the story is really enjoyable, I often become even more nitpicky. Feel free to take it or leave it. In the words of Albus Dumbledore, this is, as hey say, your party. But I definitely enjoyed this chapter, so all my CC comes out of that love.

The main thing really comes down to grammar & mechanics. I've picked out a few examples, here:

my small and danky bedroom.
--danky isn't a word. Maybe dank? Like, "my small, dank bedroom."

Everything was the same, from the paintings of the forest that surrounded our home to the one's I had composed..."
--"one's" should be "ones"

The women had gone berserk
--I think it should be "woman" rather than women, here, since it seems to be referring to her mother.

The memories from last night felt too real to dismiss, the pain I felt in my wrists were evidence of that.
2 things here. (1) Since both parts of these sentence could stand on their own, I'd recommend splitting them with either a period or a semi-colon. (2) I think it should be "was" instead of "were". Your referring to the noun "pain", which is singular. So, for example: "The memories from last night felt too real to dismiss; the pain I felt in my wrists was evidence of that."

For as long as I could remember he had always be referred to as the abomination of our life, I never asked why, I had always been too afraid too.
--This sentence needs to be split, somehow. "Be" ought to be "been". And the final "too", in this case, should be "to", though strictly speaking you could delete that word altogether. One way to do it would be: "For as long as I could remember he had always been referred to as the abomination of our life. I never asked why; I had always been too afraid to."

I was not sure how long we had live here in this forest
-- "had live" should be "had lived"

I stripped off all my bearings and winced
--I don't *think* "bearings" is a synonym for clothes. Maybe "I stripped off all my garments"?

She curiously seemed to inhabit some sort of sixth sense, and right now I had a bad feeling my mother was letting on more than knew about these marks.
-- you can't really "inhabit" a 6th sense. And her mother seems to be telling *less* than she knows, not more. So maybe, "She seemed to possess some curious sixth sense, and right now I had a bad feeling my mother was revealing less than she knew..."

It makes sense that Charlotte doesn't read well, given her limited education. That was well-thought-out. But, if she can't read all that well, why is she annoyed by her mother's mispronunciations? How does she speak so much more properly, if she's really only ever been exposed to Mallory's way of talking & can't read well enough to have an expanded vocabulary? One possible fix would be if they had a dictionary. I do love the thought you put into her reading troubles, but if Mallory was able to teach Charlotte the basics, maybe she could research words on her own. If she *was* able to read a bit more, it could explain why she sounds so much more educated than the only other person she knows. You could still work her lack of education in by having her mispronounce words she's only read & never heard? That's only one idea. I just hate to give CC without also providing some sort of solution.


I truly enjoyed this chapter, & I'm looking forward to the next! You are so creative, & even though I'm nitpicky about the little details, please know that I think you write very well!

--Penny

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Review #11, by Penelope InkwellThrough the Black: Trying to Get Ahead

28th April 2016:
Hey Claire! Penny (Penelope Inkwell) here for our review swap!

So, to start out with, I want to compliment you on your writing. It's clear, very grammatically correct, and easy to follow, which is a huge deal for me! I love coming across first chapters that are already so put together. :D

I thought you did a great job of showing us, right away, who Juliane is: she takes no crap, she's not too serious, and she's clearly very devoted Quidditch without coming across as a total fanatic. And can I just say, thank you so much for showing us a Ravenclaw who isn't that good at school?! I'm sure Ravenclaws all value knowledge and cleverness, but that hardly equates to good grades. As I've seen others say elsewhere, it's just as likely that lots of Ravenclaws would do poorly in school, blowing off homework in classes that disinterested them to focus all their energy on their subjects of choice. I love seeing an MC who isn't the 'traditional' Ravenclaw, but still fits into her house in a logical fashion. And you also didn't make her one-sided. Julianne may pretend to not care about her work, but even after "giving up" for the night, she does spend several more hours slogging through her assignments. It's like maybe she wants to be perceived as being a little more carefree than she truly is. Either way, I was glad to see that she really does try, even in the subjects she's not enthusiastic about.

Besides, Charms is my personal favorite fictional class, so I've got a soft-spot for anyone who favors it ;)

Ew. Snails. Ew.

By the end, Julianne hadn’t even been able to get her snail to look paler.
--haha, I just quite enjoyed this line.

Ivory so far appears to be a student more after the Hermione mold--lots of discipline and more than a bit of scolding. I can't tell, but it looks like maybe Julianne has a bit of fun pretending to spend less time on assignments than she really is, just to wind Ivory up. I'll be interested to see how their friendship progresses. They seem like opposites, but like they could balance each other out.

It was fun to see her rapport with the Marauders. They don't seem like best friends, but like they're comfortably friendly. And look at Sirius, accompanying her to the library *waggles eyebrows*. I seem to remember in one of the flashbacks that Harry saw, Sirius used to brag about not really needing to study. So perhaps he had some, shall we say, underlying motivations? ;) I suppose we shall see.

I'm definitely curious about what happened between Julianne and Lily. It could definitely be a problem if the girl James is obsessed with doesn't get along with Sirius' possible flame. Definite drama possibility. You reveal just enough to make me curious.

Your ending was really cute. I'm already enjoying Julianne's tongue-in-cheek sense of humor. :)


CC: I always try to give some CC, because we all want to learn and improve (or at least I do!). Your writing is so clean that I didn't find much in the way of errors, so it was harder, but here's what I did come up with--

I love that you open with McGonagall lecturing. It feels like the opening of a scene straight out of the movies. However, it would be great if we could get a little more of a visual right at the beginning, just to hook us in, since what she's saying isn't particularly dramatic. A little more visual detail there could help yank the audience into the story right away.

Behind her, James and Sirius-who was sitting next to him-started snickering.
--I find that, since words are hyphenated with the single dash (like-this), it's easier for the eye to follow an en dash or an em dash (––). If you're interested, on a Mac that's ALT + 2 dashes. But if you've got a computer without a good shortcut, I'd still suggest doing a variation. Maybe, "James and Sirius - who was sitting next to him - started" or "James and Sirius--who was sitting next to him--started". It's all about personal preference, though.



I like your style. I felt like everything played out in my imagination clearly, and I'm definitely interested in your characters. Your dialogue is also nice and natural-sounding. I want to know more, which is the most important quality in a first chapter. Well done!

--Penny

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Review #12, by Penelope InkwellAll In: All In

27th April 2016:
I didn’t understand why George and Angelina couldn’t just get together already.
--ah, yes. We begin with hypocrisy ;)

I liked your choice to make Harry late. Seamus' angst and impatience shows us a lot more of how he's feeling, but it also seems realistic because Harry is famous in a whole new way now. I like the idea that this level of craziness surrounding him his still new, and he's still learning how to navigate things like, well, just getting to the pub on time, in light of the paparazzi.

“So when’s the wedding?” I blurted out. “Are you here to ask for me blessing?”
--Oh, Seamus, you poor dear! "Blurted" was the perfect word to use, here. It implies that he's trying to sound blasé or even bitter, but he just can't quite hide the true strength of his feelings. I dunno, that word made me read it differently. It makes it seem like he can't be quite in control, talking about the woman he still loves.

Poor Seamus; this idea that he can't compete with Harry--I wonder how long it's been haunting him. I mean, obviously he believed in his and Ginny's relationship at first, but it sounds to me like this worry has been simmering under the surface from the very start. Underneath all that confidence, it looks like there was still this (very understandable) speck of fear, that then grew out of control when she admitted that she wasn't sure she was totally over him, even though she wanted Seamus. I mean:

“I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you. I - it’s the history, you know. How am I supposed to compete with that? He’s Harry bloody Potter, Gin.”
--like, I feel that. It's a hard place to be put in. And I'm glad that she told him he didn't had to compete--that her choice was her choice. I liked that line. But I still understand that he had to see her choose him before he could really fully believe that.

But I love that you did it this way. It's the most natural way I can see it going. Harry's been *gone*. Of course Ginny needed some time to sort out whether her feelings for him were really in the past. And of course Seamus would feel insecure about dating the girl that the Chosen One still has feelings for. You've made them very human, and very realistic. And even if they are being stupid, they're stupid in the ways that we all are sometimes. You've taken a rare pair and made it so believable and relatable, and I really applaud the way you've done it.

I was so happy about the way that you portrayed Harry. That felt very accurate, too. He loves Ginny, but he legitimately wants the best for her. If that's not him, then he's going to be a stand-up guy about it. He goes above and beyond, essentially trying to get Seamus back for her. It's true to his character, and I love him for it. Also,

“Yes. And you’re going to have to deal with it - but I’m her past. Her future lies with you, assuming you two bloody idiots can work it out.”
--*There's* that combination of frankness and sass that is so very Harry James Potter :D Love it.

Mum tried to stop me as I was walking out the door, telling me that it was still dangerous “out there”, but I shrugged her off.
--I liked this touch. Molly is still clearly traumatized, mourning a child, and she's still afraid of the outside world. I am so glad to see Ginny being her usual self--charging down the world bravely, no matter what it's done to her! She's both brave and sensible, and I appreciate that about her.

I'm also glad that Ginny held her ground when faced with Seamus' dad. That Gryffindor bravery (and stubbornness) comes in mighty handy in cases like this. And it makes a lot of sense that, even though Seamus' dad may have made a bit of a breakthrough, he's still a difficult man who doesn't particularly want a bunch of other magical people hanging about.

“Ginny’s always invited.”
--My HEART!

It's kind of funny that his dad, curmudgeonly as he is, is still interested enough in Seamus' love life to listen at the door :D

Oh! It still was awful that she didn't go visit him in St. Mungo's--I'd have been so hurt, were I he--but the elaboration she gives here puts a different twist on it. The fact that at least a part of her blamed herself--thought she could have gone with him, that maybe she could have protected/saved him--gives me a bit more sympathy for her staying away.

YES! YES YES YES YES YES!

Oh, and he told her he loved her in Irish! I love that! I'd forgotten to mention that I've loved the little bits of Irish language that have shown up in this piece, but that...I'm just a sucker for languages. But it wasn't that it made the interaction, like, windswept and exotic. Somehow that just made it all the more heartwarming and utterly Seamus

His mom! Hahaha! So cute!

CC:

“It’s just stupid bloke trouble!
--I'm not British, but it seems to me like they'd say boy trouble rather than bloke trouble. Maybe get someone to double-check that? But it read a little awkwardly to me.

The only other thing I had is, I loved the way you described the kiss once they were kissing--perfect :) But "I couldn’t take it anymore. I pressed my lips against his." might benefit from a little drama, since it's such a climactic moment. Maybe if she threw herself into his arms and he had to catch his balance or something? Just a little something in the description to highlight what a big moment her initiating that kiss is. It's their new beginning!


Jill. I loved it; I truly did. I've never shipped Ginny with anyone but Harry, but I really enjoyed this pairing and you did it so well that I shipped it, too. I do hope there'll be more! ALL the Ginny/Seamus fics! I truly have loved them so much. You're a very talented writer, and I'm really enjoying reading your work. I have more I could gush over, but I'm about to be out of characters! Alas!

Thanks so much for the swap! This is wonderful!

--Penny

Author's Response: First of all, you and this review are just glorious! I can't believe you were about to run out of characters!

Anywhoo...

Ah yes, I'm glad you picked up on the hypocrisy of that first line. You're actually the first person to bring it up, even though it was totally intentional that I started it that way!

Aww yeah, you have a great reading about that line with Harry & Ginny's wedding. He IS bitter and is trying to act cool, but this is the Chosen One/his girlfriend's ex. He doesn't have control even though he's totally trying to play it chill. It's just not working out very well for the poor dear at all. I really want to huggle him throughout this whole piece.

You're right about that as well. (Man, you just have the BEST observations!) Ginny needed time to process with Harry actually around - it was the only way she'd know 100% for sure that she was in love with Seamus instead. I wanted it to feel authentic and real and not like she was swinging from boy to boy, so I'm glad that came across well.

And yeah, I really, REALLY loved writing this scene with Harry/Seamus - it might be one of my all time favorites to date. Of course Harry's going to be stand-up about it. He's honorable and he just wants Ginny to be happy, and he's going to do whatever it takes - including confronting Seamus - to make sure that it happens. And that's one of my favorite lines in this whole thing too ;)

Molly's definitely still traumatized. Even though the world is at peace right now, she's definitely still mourning Fred and is shaken up about the battle. Ginny, though, is going to be stubborn and brave and not care. I'm so glad you felt like she was being her usual self there! I've been trying really hard to keep the characters as close to canon as I can.

And Ginny won't back down. She doesn't know the full story, just that Seamus/his dad have a rocky relationship, but she's here to see him even if only for five minutes. And you're right: he's had a breakthrough, but it seemed completely unrealistic to have him welcome Ginny with open arms, y'know?

She's a Weasley, so of COURSE she's going to feel like she could've saved him if she'd gone. It's her guilt about everything that forced her to stay away, and her fear of him almost dying. I'm so, so glad you had a little more sympathy for her after hearing her side of the explanation.

Now that you point it out, you're right. That is a bit awkward. I'd have to double check next time.

Annnd you're right about the kiss. Now I sort of wish I had built it up more, I was just so excited about getting them there! Haha.

Thank you so much! I'm so glad that I had you shipping them too in the end. They really are my favorite rare pair. ♥ I've actually got a Ginny/Seamus novella in the works, which takes place at Hogwarts during Seamus' 7th year. Be on the lookout for that!

Thank you for this amazing review, and all of your other amazing reviews. They all really brightened my day. And of course, thanks for the swap!

♥Jill


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Review #13, by Penelope InkwellActions Speak Louder than Words: Bound by Love: Rose and Scorpius POV

27th April 2016:
AAAHHH I KNEW IT!

I mean, the hints were there. Probably most people guessed it. But still!

You know, I'm really glad that he proposed *before* finding out she was pregnant. It's such a cliche to propose just after, and it allows Rose to feel the full strength of his support, hopefully, as she faces this news.

Also, A++ to Scorpius for that proposal. Tossing a Seeker a ring instead of a Snitch, on the professional field of (what I think is) her favorite team? Ravenclaw colors? Just, very well done.

I'm also so glad he was finally insistent about her taking a look at her symptoms! We finally get down to the bottom of all this!

Man, that's gonna make Healer training hard. Of course, I suppose that's the least of her worries, what with the giant scary prophecy and all...

Oh gosh. Ron's gonna murder Scorpius. Just... murder.

CC:

“Just dress warm and comfortable,” having won the debate, he hopped off the bed,grinning in self-satisfaction.
--Two things here: (1) I think "having" should probably begin a new sentence, rather than being attached to the dialogue. (2) there needs to be a space between the comma after bed and "grinning".


I cannot wait to see how this goes over with the fam. And what they're gonna think about the prophecy in light of these new developments. Oh boy.

--Penny

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Review #14, by Penelope InkwellActions Speak Louder than Words: Bone Tired: Scorpius POV

27th April 2016:
Pregnant. She's sooo pregnant.

I was worried that she knew it and was pulling away. I can't totally tell, though. She seemed sincere. But she's also a Healer trainee. But then, I suppose, that happens. She's very caught up in this baby she sees as being part of a distant future; maybe the idea of having a baby right now is just so far out of the range of possibilities that she legitimately hasn't noticed. Or she could be in denial.

CC:

Rose had just started her most difficult round of courses and all us Auror trainees were gearing up for our S.N.A.K.E.s. (Specialized Normal Auror Knowledge Exams) there are two exams, one is written and one is a practical exam in defense, offense and ministry procedures for different situations.
--I think "there are two exams", should probably be the start of a new sentence, here.

or if we can become an entry-level Auror and work as full-fledged partner.
--it seems like this might read smoother if it were "and work as a full-fledged partner", with that "a" added in.

I was really glad that she likes the color blue.
--tense switch. I think it should be, "I was really glad that she liked the color blue."


Okay, off to the next chapter! There are so many realizations that could be happening any time now! I'm so eager to see how it all falls out!

--Penny

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Review #15, by Penelope InkwellActions Speak Louder than Words: Baffled: Scorpius and Rose POV

27th April 2016:
Ugh. I had a whole long, well-thought out review written up here, and it just refreshed and lost it. So this might not be as coherent, but I'll try to get the main points down.

No! Poor Ruth. Murdered--I mean, just how sad. And Rose! Now Stannous is coming after the people she cares about? How on earth will she deal with that? Or *was* that what he was trying to do? I wonder if he tried to torture information out of Ruth. I don't know what sort of info she might have had, but she *was* Rose's therapist.

Okay, I'm just gonna call it--Rose is queasy. She's looking peaked. She's pregnant. Or, possibly, having a pregnancy square. With you, it could certainly go either way. But I'm thinking that this "who's the daddy" question could come to a head much sooner than anticipated. Of course, I guess it doesn't say that it's Rose's firstborn. Stannous could keep trying. Oh, ick.

It was interesting to finally get to see the prophecy. Come on, guys! Clearly this could refer to Scorpius! Come on!



CC:

The only people who have heard this, other than a few Department of Mysteries employees are the Aurors and trainees.
--I think there should be a comma after "employees" and before "are"


Have I mentioned my distrust of Samara. Of course, she *could* turn out to have (positive) hidden depths, but I just find her super suspicious. She's privy to a lot of sensitive information, and she doesn't come across as remotely trustworthy. *Problem*.

I'm so glad that Hermione is on the case! If anyone can figure out some of the details of this prophecy, it's her!

I just love this story so much! Even with all the drama, reading it takes me to this calm, happy place. I just really enjoy it.

--Penny

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Review #16, by Penelope InkwellA Wedding: A Wedding

26th April 2016:
Hey girl! Finally here for our review swap!

So I was gonna beeline for some more Percy/Audrey, since I recently read and enjoyed Sanctuary. But then I saw that you had this multi-chaptered WIP and it had been recently updated and it was Next-Gen, and I don't think I've previously read any Next-Gen stories by you, so I wanted to come and check this out.

I should have known. I always enjoy your sense of humor that peeks out through the angsty fics, so in a Next-Gen comedy, I should have known that I'd want to copy and paste like half the lines to show you "Ooh! I laughed here! This made me smile." As it happened, I couldn't possibly paste in *everything* that cracked me up, so I've chosen a select few, for your reading pleasure:


(He sometimes read his sister's diary to know what was considered “cool” with younger kids)
--this is wonderful. It's hilarious, and it automatically tells us a good bit about the characters. Lily is apparently a trendsetter, and Albus is clearly more hopeless than we might have first thought. Plus, it's just cute. Most brothers would read their sisters' diaries for blackmail material; Albus reads it for *advice*. :')

The three of them were rarely apart, causing most of the teachers and students to treat them like they were either a horrible jinx or as one living entity.
--I just liked the visual here. I could completely imagine the professors' reactions when these three walked into their rooms.

He scowled irritably, wondering how many bottles of their mother's hair products he'd used this time to achieve such perfection.
--Gabbie this is brilliant! It's these little details that I absolutely love. Like, you've set James up as someone who is clearly considered super cool, but this little dig is wonderful because it shows us that it isn't effortless. James may pretend to be all carefree and cool, but he's primping and fixing his hair with Ginny's stolen product! That's such a hilarious visual! And it not only adds humor, but also depth to his character. He's not just the stereotypical cool kid. Plus, it's just the sort of thing a little brother would know about you. Save this information, Albus. Use it when the time is right!

There was something about engaging a pretty girl in conversation that was far more terrifying than being burned alive.
--Bahaha, this kid is hopeless.

“Are you scared that he'll break up with you?” James asked blandly.
--this speaks for yourself. The comedy here is in the timing.

knock it off up there or I'll jinx your mouths shut. I want you downstairs in five minutes or I'll come up there and get you myself—it isn't funny, Harry!”
--I LOVED this glimpse of Ginny. She's her old, spirited self, just with that spirit now working to keeping 3 children in line. It was the aside to Harry that really made it, though.

Phlegm will never let me hear the end of it.
--Another throwback to old school Ginny. It's fun to imagine their feud going on forever. So glad to see the reappearance of Phlegm!


CC: You know me. You love me.

(A) Okay, so the main thing here is that you have so much great humor, but it's sometimes being a little bit obscured by sentence structure. Mainly, there are a lot of run-on sentences that just need to be split up. But there are also a few that just need some punctuation adjustments.

(B) Also, I noticed a lot of this:
James had been roaring with laughter with Lily in the living room while their father had hidden quickly behind his Daily Prophet, “I promise that it won't be as bad as it seems.
--Once the dialogue begins, it should be in a separate sentence. Like,

*James had been roaring with laughter with Lily in the living room while their father had hidden quickly behind his Daily Prophet. "I promise that it won't be as bad as it seems."*

--There were a good many areas like that, where the dialogue should have stood on its own but was linked to the sentence before, which made it kind of hard to follow. That also accounts for a lot of those pesky run-ons.

(C) (He sometimes read his sister's diary to know what was considered “cool” with younger kids)
(Out of politeness he was sure)
(And the attention from ravenous boys)

--when you're writing something in parentheses, you don't usually need to capitalize the first word. It's not really a separate sentence so much as a side-note tacked onto the current one.

(D) Finally, I think the heart of this piece, as well as the lion's share of the humor, are found in Albus' conversations with his family. But it takes a long time to get to that. I think it would be good to cut some of Albus' musings on his friends' adventures and antics at the beginning. Definitely keep some of it! There are some funny bits, and we do require some exposition. But we can gather almost all we need to know about the Misfits' social situation from Albus' conversation with James. His initial musings on the subject go on, I think, a bit too long, which slows down the first part of the story. Once we've got dialogue and we're not only in Albus' head, things go at a really fun pace! It got so funny! But yeah, I think if you could jump into that place a little sooner, it'd be great.


I'm really enjoying seeing you take a go at a Next-Gen humor fic. Gabbie, you're hilarious. Albus in his robe! How could they be doing this to him! Didn't Harry and Ginny see what Ron went through 4th year? (There's a part of me that wonders if the robes are a giant practical joke engineered by George or Fred Jr.) What will Ron have to say about this? :)

Albus is certainly an amusing narrator. He has all that teen melodrama that can be such fun, and I think you've captured sibling relationships wonderfully. I really loved your take on Lily and James. Given that there can only be disaster to come, I am *definitely* curious about what these 3 are gonna get up to!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hey! >:)

I haven't forgotten about our swap! I've just been in kind of a slump lately (laptop died and then I got this wonky stomach virus) and I'm super great at being lazy.

My apologies!

I honestly didn't think that this would capture your attention, it's gotten a warm response but it's not that popular. Hahah. I could say that about all of my stories though but it's so nice to get reviews for this! ;__;

I really enjoy writing this story because it's not meant to be taken too seriously. I write a ton of angst so it's great just writing a story for once that doesn't rely on making you guys cry or anything. Even though that is really fun too. Hahaha.

I wasn't sure about the humor in this because I thought it might not make much sense. Albus is a lot like me, humor wise and I tend to be a little out there (I'm honestly a little more pervy than Albus is though) but you guys have been awesome!

The Misfits are like a curse and you'll see that gag being repeated a lot. I've actually written three other Next Gen stories so feel free to read those too! Hahah.

Albus is like, the most awkward kid in the world for some reason. I don't know why he turned out that way but I've written him like this in my first fan fic. He's just this sweet, goofy kid who can't catch a break and that just makes me laugh.

I put him through too much. Hahah.

I was actually surprised by how well you guys liked Ginny and the others! I've never written Ginny or Lily before this and I tweaked James slightly from how he's written in my other fan fic. He's twelve in that story but nothing really changes about him. Hahaha.

Albus might blackmail him about the hair thing and thank you for mentioning that he reads Lily's diary! Not too many people caught on to that. Hahah. That's another gag that I use in my other stories too, it's funny that he's dorky enough to read it for advise. Hahah.

He's so cute. :3

THE CC'S! PENNY< WHY?!

Honestly, though these make a lot of sense like they always do. Hahaha. I'm still not very happy with how this first chapter turned out so I will be going back and cleaning it up.

I just can't get certain parts to flow the way I want. I think it needs to be a bit shorter too, I tend to use way too much detail. The Misfits have such a deep and weird history that I wanted to expand on it but I should have pulled back a little because Scorp and Lav don't even show up until chapter two. Hmm.

Oh! The thing with Albus's robe is that it is a shameless homage to Ron's robe from GoF. It's my favorite HP book and the thought of this poor child sweating in that thing just...you don't know how much that makes me laugh.

Disaster will happen! I promise! The next two chapters could use a bit of your love and I'd totally appreciate it. Chapter three especially because I'm kinda worried about it.

Thanks for the awesome review! I'll be headed over to your AP soon!

Much love,

Gabbie



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Review #17, by Penelope InkwellThief: Scones & Jam

26th April 2016:
KAITLIN!!!

OHMYGRACIOUS YOU DID IT I ABSOLUTELY KNEW YOU COULD BUT I AM SO PROUD OF YOU I CANNOT EVEN! AAAHHH!!! YOU DID IT YOU DID IT YOU DID IT!!!

*gasps for breath*

Seriously, what you have done is remarkable. It takes a true Gryffindor to be brave (and, maybe, just a little crazy ;) ) enough to take up the task you set upon yourself, and which you have done so incredibly! I mean, I'm actually in awe. Me, I've done like 2 or 3 challenges, ever. Usually I find them absolutely killer, and most of the time when one does peak my interest, I still can't bring myself to venture into another story--especially not succinctly. But you! Look at what you did--what you've done. Your AP page is so beautiful and amazing. You've created so many characters, so many wonderful stories, and you've usually done it--this is what boggles my mind--in the form of one-shots. One-shots, to me, are the hardest format. You have to know how to trim the fat, to cut to the chase. You have so little space to develop your characters or make a statement, and yet it's something you can do incredibly. Sometimes I have trouble enjoying one-shots--I just don't seem to usually connect--which is why your AP is such a treasure trove. Because somehow, when I'm reading yours, you just do such a good job that I can care about characters I only just met; I can get swept up in the experience. You're a particular talent, of course, but you've also made me reconsider a genre of writing that I used to avoid, and realize that it can really be wonderful.

You are amazing. An actual living legend. You are a champion *hands Kaitlin the growing blue Triwizard Cup*. I'm literally just so consistently astounded by how you manage to write so much, so well, so quickly. 100 stories--100 challenges! You didn't even switch prompts or combine. I mean, wow. Just wow. I am so glad that at some point I met you and made my way over to your phenomenal AP. It's such a privilege to know a writer, and a person, like you.

Whew. Okay. Now onto this story.

I love that you wrote about Romilda Vane. Love it love it love it. Because I feel like all we know her as in canon is the underclassman psycho who spiked Harry's chocolate with love potion. It was funny, yes, but we never got to see her in any more depth. But here she is, and you're right--you showed us why that girl is in Gryffindor! Her self-sacrifice and her courage were fantastic, and even if she was a bit reckless, it was for such a good cause.

Plus, since I've written about the Carrows withholding food as a punishment during DH, I really enjoyed getting to read something from your imagination about how that would have gone down. That was really great! The idea of all the first and second years hiding down there, wasting away to the point that Romilda was willing to do about anything. Oh gosh. She was so desperate, and just so brave.

And then the way everything played out. I was like..."What's she doing? Well surely there's a purpose to this? No? She's just gonna eat it?? Girl, I know you're hungry but *priorities* !" And then I just got this inkling of "Oh. Ooh no. No, don't do it, don't--!" That really built so well. Something about the way she thanked them so solemnly, I just realized and yowza. She faced down being Cruicio'ed for those kids. She was incredible.

And I love that she took a bite of the scone first. Something about that--about her having this almost 'last meal' moment savoring one good thing before she went and brought something horrible upon herself in order to save the others--something about that was just so good.

CC:

Room of Requirements
--I think it's actually the Room of Requirement, singular.

“Hurry, Winky, we has to make sure the masters isn’t seeing what we is doing,” whispered an old looking house elf with gray hair sprouting from his ears.
--I was wondering if there was a more subtle way he could word that? I mean, Romilda clearly heard him, and so would the Carrows, if they had been in there. Also, I was a little confused--what were they hiding? It didn't seem like they were initially planning to smuggle food to the kids in the RoR, so what were they up to that needed to be hidden?

“I was hungry,sir,”
--just needs a space after the comma, before sir.



But well done! You really completed this Herculean task. You can breathe now! Not like I haven't said it plenty of times above, but really. You. Did. It.


Oh, and I had wanted to say, there's something so sassy about how she goes from calling Amycus "sir" to calling him a mountain troll! :D


Once again, I'm so excited to read this fic, the triumphant end to your incredible journey. I was so happy for you. Also, weirdly, I kind of seriously want a scone covered in jam now. But I want to cheer for you even more! So incredibly proud of you, my friend. You rock!

--Penny

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Review #18, by Penelope InkwellThe Obliviator: Deer Dinner

25th April 2016:
Hey Jo!

I thought I'd come over and leave you a review, just as a little thank you for your help with my icon size issue. You're such a gem! Anyway, I thought I'd dash over and check out your AP, and let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed this. What a cute idea! Mrs. Hamilton--sorry, Danielle--was so funny! I mean, the best thing is how calm she was about everything. Like, "Well, I thought I saw a car on the roof. And a giant canary. But I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Old eyes, you know." I always imagine Muggles being freaked out or launching into conspiracy theories when they see magic. But this was so much more amusing and, really, just as likely. Danielle is chill about it. It's fine. These mistakes happen. She's not even really worried. That's the best part! She just sounds like this delightful old lady who's maybe a little dotty, but is actually telling the truth. You wrote her so well.

Like, the insisting on tea and biscuits, saying that her son is always telling her to write down the details for insurance purposes--she sounds so wonderfully grandmotherly!

I also like what you've done here with the Obliviator. Starting with "Who is it?" "Your Obliviator". They don't even lie in the beginning! I guess they're about to erase the memory anyway, so what's the point? I'd love to see how that would go down at another house. Say, the Dursleys. "I don't *have* an Obliviator! I don't know what you're about, but we're not buying whatever it is you're selling. Get off my property!"

But, besides the comedic value, it also gives some insight. I mean, I always think of Obliviators as the Big Bad, but really here, they're helping her. Danielle is clearly getting on in years, and if her son heard her talking about these kinds of things, he'd probably think she was losing it! She could be hospitalized. Or maybe they would put her on dementia meds she didn't need. Something like that. For once, I see the Obliviators as not just serving the Wizarding community's interest, but also truly helping a Muggle. Danielle wasn't scared or even terribly perturbed, but here I can see it may well be for the best if she forgets this incident.

So, yes, this chapter was wonderfully amusing, but it also made the Obliviators seem more kindly than I usually perceive them.


CC:

It got out of the car with the boys and one of them clapped on its shoulder.
--it might be more correct to say "and one of them clapped it on its shoulder."

It might also be good to mention that it was a giant, like, human size canary. Canary creams, I'm guessing? But at first I was picturing a small bird, so it might help to have size described.

You’re wellcome Mrs. Hamilton
--"wellcome" should be spelled 'welcome"



Thank you again, Jo. I'm so glad that I stopped by to read this. It really made me smile.

Also, Deer Dinner. Oh my gosh. Actual laughing out loud :D

What a delight!

--Penny

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Review #19, by Penelope InkwellHanging by a Moment: Hanging by a Moment

24th April 2016:
Swap 2/2,

Jill!

Why are you doing this to me, Jill? *whimpers*

Ugh. Just ugh. The worst part is I can't even resent you, you know, because you did it so well.

I loved the way you switched back and forth between Seamus and Ginny's POVs. It was a really good choice that helped me connect to both sides of the equation. On the one hand, it was really crappy of Ginny not to go to him in the hospital. It was. And maybe I could forgive her with the Fred excuse, and not being able to watch Seamus die. But after? Afterwards she really had no excuse.

But then, in a way she does? Because it seems to me like she couldn't bear to face Seamus with her feelings so torn. And seeing him would bring everything to a head. She was hiding. And maybe she would have hid from Harry, too, if he weren't living with her. I mean, she did tell Harry she couldn't be with him, that she was with Seamus. But even so, she's pulled between the two of them.

And as much as I hate hate hate feeling this, I'm glad you made this choice. It makes it seem more real. After all, Ginny *had* been in love with Harry all her life. And everyone around her knows that Harry--Harry who just risked everything, saved everyone--still has feelings for her. And he'd never want her to feel that she owed him anything. But still, I'd be surprised if there wasn't some pressure to return his feelings. Though it's good to see that George is pro-Seamus.

Anyway, I just imagine that there's pressure inside and out. She started dating Seamus when Harry was gone, and it was easier. But now she sort of has to face him and work out those feelings. And it's probably better, in the long run, if she and Seamus aren't together while she sorts that out. But I'm still holding out hope for them.

And then Seamus--poor, poor Seamus. He comes out of the hospital. The girl he loves hasn't been to see him at all. He's stuck walking with a cane, which is hard enough without feeling like your competing with The Chosen One. Honestly, now that Harry is back and has defeated Voldemort, it'd be almost unnatural for Seamus to worry a little, even if Ginny hadn't been MIA. And the fact that she didn't see him...well, that makes it so much worse.

I did feel for Ginny when he asked that question about if she'd have been visiting St. Mungo's, had it been Harry. Because she didn't lie, but the truth is, that's a totally different scenario. Harry is part of the Weasley clan already. If Harry were in the hospital, they'd all be camped out there; there'd be no choice in the matter. Besides which, even if she does have some residual feelings for Harry, they aren't as strong as what she felt for Seamus. And it seems like it was the strength of her feelings, and her confusion, and her deep desire not to hurt him that drove her away from Seamus in the first place.

But still, he has every right to be upset. Every right to call her out. And he's probably right to end things, for now, at least until Ginny can figure out her feelings. But I feel for him so much. Ginny has a whole enormous family and friend group that can envelop her. If she wants an immediate romantic option, even if it's just to numb the pain, she has one. Seamus has a rough relationship with his family. He has Dean. But the rest of his friends are probably retreating to lick their own wounds right now. It just seems like he'll be in such a lonely place!


CC:

- It was because of this stupid wooden stick that I couldn’t just Apparate over here in the first place.
- I hobbled inside, hating my cane with every step. It was the reason I had to take the stupid bloody Knight Bus to get here in the first place.

--you explain that he couldn't Apparate because he had the cane twice in pretty quick succession, but only once was really needed.

The other thought I had is that it was absolutely lovely to see George up and about and not wanting to be tiptoed around. But it also seemed kind of sudden after such a loss. He seemed so upbeat, even in his moments of sadness. It might be good to just mention something more about him that would give us an idea of what he's suffered, or how he's mourned, even if he's now putting on a brave face and doesn't wish to be handled with kid gloves.



Like I said, even though I'm very sad that the series took this turn, I think it was necessary. If Ginny and Seamus can come out of this and pull it together--and I really hope they can--it'll give their relationship a lot more legitimacy. It won't just be her flitting to Seamus and easily saying, "Sorry Harry, but I'm over you." It'll be an emotional arc, and something she's considered well. It will make sense, and their story will be richer for it.

But still, I'm sad :(

Another thing you really captured well was their mutual frustration. Each was angry at the other. Each had a sort of "Why are you doing this?" moment, and in both cases, the question was a little unfair. Everyone is doing their best here, and it's just heartbreaking that it wasn't enough to keep them together.

Ugh, and the desperate, tragic kiss in the rain? And Seamus with his cane, holding on to Ginny, and then having to let her go?? The visuals! Whyyy, Jill? Why must you do this to my heart?

Sigh.

Anyway, this is another really well-written piece. Your writing is so clean, so well-constructed, and you connect us so well to the characters' emotions. You really do some of the fastest complete character development I've seen here.

Thank you, as always, for the swap! It really is a pleasure!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi Penny! So I see that you're reading Ginny/Seamus in the appropriate order. How lovely!

For the record, it killed me to write this.

I'm so glad that you liked the switch! I was really conflicted about it, but I figured it would be good to see where they were both coming from. That they had their own frustrations with each other and that they couldn't just give in and be together.

You really are quite observant. She WAS hiding from Seamus, and you're right: Harry is different because he's already part of the Weasley clan.

George being pro-Seamus seemed like a good choice; he just wants his sister to be happy, and it seems that Seamus does the job these days. He's quite observant himself.

I'm glad you feel like he has every right to be upset and call her out - that was what I was trying to get at. They both have their own reasons for being upset with each other, and they're the type that aren't just going to sit around and let it be. They're going to fight, even if it doesn't end well. Seamus is in a bit of a lonely place - he doesn't have the same support network that Gin does, so I'm glad that came across well too.

You know, you're right about George. I honestly hadn't really considered it, since he was more of a device in this piece (*squishes*) but if I ever go back to edit or rework it, I'll think about throwing something else in there as well. To me, George didn't bounce back but he doesn't want everyone to be treating him like glass. If he's not happy, he's going to pretend that he is.

You're right, they both have their own reasons, and their frustrations, and they're both being a bit unfair to one another. It's just so heartbreaking for them to fall apart quite like this.

Ah, yes. The kiss. The moment my heart shattered as I was writing :(

Thank you so much for another amazing, thoughtful review, Penny! You really are spoiling me. The swaps are always a pleasure! I hope we do more soon.

♥ Jill


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Review #20, by Penelope InkwellThicker than Water : Thicker than Water

24th April 2016:
Swap 1/2:

So remember how I said that the last thing I read from you was the favorite thing I'd read from you so far?

This surpassed it.

Jill. Jill. This was SO GOOD. I felt like J.K. could have written a novella about Seamus and his backstory and this would have been it. It read so smoothly, and everything you said about him--the way you embroidered his past--all felt perfectly true.

I mean, we don't really know that much about Seamus from canon, but you took what we did know and turned it into a story that felt so real. We know that it was considered 'a nasty shock' when his father found out about his mom being a witch, but here you showed it to us in such precise terms. Somehow in my mind, they'd gotten divorced. But what this story showed us, with Seamus dealing for years with his dad's disapproval, acting out in school and explaining his 'pyrotechnic proclivities' as it were, was just so much richer than anything I'd ever considered. You took a couple loose facts and turned them into a complex person with a history. And I just loved that.

And obviously Seamus' dad was a piece of work, knocking him around, hiding his letter. It makes you sad for his mom, you know? But then, it was kind of nice to see her sort of win, after all this time. She was right, after all--there was more to Seamus' father than met the eye, despite his many failings. We'd like to think that everyone who doesn't fit the modern standards of a good parent is a monster--more often than not that's how they're portrayed. And sometimes it's the truth. But you gave us some nuance that I think was good. Maybe Ciaran Finnigan will never be a great father, or a perfect man; maybe he and Seamus will never have a great relationship; but you gave him some redemption, some depth, and I think the story was better for it.



CC: I always try to give some CC, so here were the couple things I noticed.

I didn’t want to get anymore bruises
--I think that in this case, "anymore" should be "any more". I think that "anymore" is only used in reference to time, where as "any more" is what you'd use to discuss volume.

The other thing that I did wonder about is, when Seamus wakes up, why isn't he worried that Ginny might have died? He's been out since the middle of the battle, and it's out of character for her not to have visited. I'd have expected that he'd be in a panic. I also wondered that he didn't ask whether they'd won the battle. Or, even if he didn't ask, it might be good to see the moment where he decides they must have won.


But yeah, this was wonderful. I'm really glad you wrote this piece as part of your series of Ginny/Seamus fics. Even though there was no romance in it, knowing all this about Seamus makes me ship them so much more, now. It makes such a difference, having him drawn out and knowing who he truly is. I'm rooting for these two!

I really want to linger for a moment on how well you captured the characters. I truly have rarely read a one-shot that managed to characterize people so well, so quickly. Seamus' conversation between Dean seemed easy, friendly, and natural. His childhood flashback felt so real, and I just ached for him as he hoped for and dreaded his father's arrival at St. Mungo's. There's a part of me that really wondered what his father felt about magic in that moment. Did he still hate it? Or was he thankful for this place--this gift--that may well have saved his son? The fact that I was even able to wonder that showed that you'd given his character significantly more depth in just a few short lines.

His mother really popped out, too, and I was so glad to see her have a moment of happiness after what can't have been an easy life. Even if she left the wizarding world behind easily, it must have been hard to see such trouble arise between her husband and her son.

Okay at the ending, I didn't actually cry cry, but I got that prickly feeling in my nose? Like when you know you're gonna cry if you don't pull yourself together? When his dad hugged him, I...ack! My heart, Jill!

And, finally, "Dean was right. Bloody hell, I owed him fifteen galleons."

It was so perfect to have this right before the ending, after all the emotion. It was great to see Seamus work through all these feelings in this story, but this gave us a bit of a reminder of his funny side, which is one of the reasons I love him. And I love him even more, now. This is great!

Jill, I'm loving reading your stuff. My only regret is that soon I'll be out of new things to read and will be eagerly awaiting updates, leaping upon new stories & chapters like a woman mad, no doubt. But that'll be fun, too ;)

I really, really enjoyed this. Thanks so much for the swap!

--Penny

Author's Response: Hi Penny!

So happy to see you on this story!

I'm honestly so glad that you feel that way. That was kind of the intent of the piece - I wanted to take what we KNEW about Seamus, and weave it through with the head canon I've always accepted. I wanted there to be a reason why he was always setting things on fire, why he never seemed to take anything seriously.

And you're right, it does make you feel bad for his mam, and I always have. The "nasty shock" was kind of the jumping point that I took, so I'm very glad that it felt very real and true and like it could be JKR canon. That means a lot to me! *squish*

Thank you! I really struggled with that moment because I wasn't really sure what his father would say to him. I wanted him to be proud, but there's so much history between them that they really needed more than a moment at a hospital, you know?

Ah yes, I wanted to lighten the mood a teeny bit after we'd gone through all that angst.

Well, I will tell you that the feeling is mutual, my dear! I hope to be updating new things (chapters, one-shots, etc) fairly regularly as I tend to post something once a month, but I always like to hear it when people enjoy my writing.

Thank you so much for another incredible review!

♥ Jill


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Review #21, by Penelope InkwellLess Than: Less Than

23rd April 2016:
Hey Meg. It's Penny, here for our review swap,

First of all, let me say that this story--it's really well done. I could feel Hannah's heartache and Neville's insistent love, and how his heart broke for her loss. It was wonderful to see their love--a love that could absolutely survive this hurdle.

It's good to see this feeling represented. It's so much harder to face this sort of thing when you've never seen it--it makes you feel so much more 'other'. But I think it's really brave and wonderful of you to write about it.

I don't normally like to mention things this personal, but since you've been so vulnerable and open I think you deserve to be backed up. I completely understand. I've faced something quite similar. A few years ago, in college, I was told that I could have trouble getting pregnant, if I ever wanted to. Not that it was absolutely impossible, no, but even just the knowledge of the problems I could face--the possibility that, if I decided I wanted it, the answer could be no. That there were problems. The possibility of a miscarriage. The possibility that someone could decide he didn't want me, because maybe I couldn't have a child. It put me in absolute tears, even though I had barely cried at all in years. I'd never even really liked the idea of pregnancy, even though I love kids and everyone's told me for ages that I'd be a great mom. Pregnancy itself hadn't seemed that appealing, hitherto, but I was young and viewing it as a very distant future. When I had to face the idea that there could be problems, I absolutely broke down. Suddenly I wanted it so much , and I felt like something had been taken from me.

I kept it a secret for a solid year, too. I only told my mother. I didn't have a boyfriend at the time, and honestly if I look back I think it made me hang back from dating, just a little. I didn't want to have to tell that truth and be rejected. I was caught between being a feminist and knowing that I should be valued as more than a walking uterus, but still being afraid and a little ashamed, and then ashamed of being ashamed, you know? It was a year before I told my best friend. She was studying to be a nurse, and had been ribbing me good-naturedly when I said maybe I'd just adopt--I'd turned it into a joke about not wanting to deal with getting pregnant and fat. And she was sort of poking at me in a very well-meaning way, telling me the cool things she was learning about all that, until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to tell her. And she held me together, really. I don't know what I'd have done without her. She was my (platonic) Neville, and when you have something like this, you kind of do need* someone who can support you and help you be alright.

So I know what it's like. But now I've had a couple years to come to terms with it. I know that there are options. I know about all the children that already need homes. That helps. I've had a friend a few years older with the same problem who did manage to get pregnant. So some positive stories. It makes it a great deal better. But that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes hear that voice whispering "less than". You captured this so powerfully, so well, that there are actual tears in my eyes as I type this. Thank you for writing something like this. Thank you for being so brave.

Everything about Hannah's fears--the knowledge that Neville really loved her, of course, but that maybe this would be too much. Even knowing that, from his perspective, that was ridiculous. Even then, she still felt it. The way she was fighting to keep from breaking down in public. That was so familiar. It was so well captured.

I was so happy to see Neville be so firmly in her corner, so insistent that she could never be "less than". Not only was it true to his character, but it was also just frankly comforting to see that in this story. It was good to see that love and support could get her through such a thing.

I just think you did a great job with this story. Even though it made me sad, it also made me happy. Whew. What an emotional read. But good job, girl. I'm really glad you did it.

Lots of love ♥

--Penny

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Review #22, by Penelope InkwellMaking You Smile: It

22nd April 2016:
Hey there!

I saw that your birthday was yesterday, so I wanted to swing by and write you a birthday review--Happy Belated Birthday!!!

So, this is a cute little one-shot! Molly's beau, so to speak, is adorable. “Wow, I didn’t actually think I’d get this far.” That was so cute! And his little French accent when he suggested the ice cream parlor? This kid. I've known them for less than 1,000 words and already I'm starting to ship it!

One thing I noticed--and this might have been intentional, to avoid spoilers--is that you never said his name. I just thought I'd mention it in case it wasn't intentional. But for now he can just be Molly's Adorkable Gentleman Caller. And that's fine with me :D

This definitely feels like a snapshot out of a larger story, but it gives us a cute little sample of it. For my part, it makes me want to read more. I'm gonna add Making the Reserves to my favorites (my reading list is so long, I know it will get lost), so that I can pull it up next time I'm in a Next-Gen kind of mood. Be expecting some more reviews from me soon, when I get the chance!

But yes, this is a fun little peak into the life of Molly, her struggle to fit in school and Quidditch (with Percy as a father, that sounds about right), and her Adorkable Gentleman Caller. I enjoyed it, and it definitely made me want to read the main story. Good job!

And, once again, Happy Belated Birthday!

--Penny

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Review #23, by Penelope InkwellDrown: goodnight, i love you

21st April 2016:
Hey Kayla! Here I am with the promised birthday review!

Okay, wow. That was definitely...I was not prepared to feel so sad for Regulus? I've read sympathetic portrayals of him before, but usually he's either a jerk with some redeeming values, or else he seems kind of too sanitized, you know? All scrubbed clean and perfect. And really, your Regulus is more innocent than some of those, but it doesn't come across as making the character unrealistically good.

You really did well skirting the line. It's not like Regulus did the right thing. I was horrified when he told his mother. But his reaction was realistic. He was uncomfortable with Sirius' relationship with Remus, but he didn't reject him. It would probably be unrealistic for someone who's grown up in the kind of environment Regulus has, who clearly hasn't had the friendships and broader horizons that Sirius was exposed to, and who is so ruled by his family's opinions, to find out his brother and be outright, immediately supportive. But you can see that he still is supportive of Sirius, as a person. He doesn't get it, doesn't approve, but he wants to protect his brother. He truly didn't want for Sirius to get hurt. That's a really nuanced representation, especially for a one-shot, and I thought it was a good choice.

Also, I think you did quite a good job with the second person thing. At first I thought it might distract me, since I rarely read stuff written in that style, but the story quickly pulled me in and I pretty much forgot all about it.

“Tell me what you saw. You know I hate it when you make me use spells on you.”
--this line was SO chilling. I've just got to give you props on giving me goosebumps. Not only did it very quickly up the stakes, but it gave us such a glimpse into Regulus' life. He may not do the right thing, but it's more than just him being a coward. He is very clearly a victim of abuse. And when you think about it, Sirius was away as much as possible. He knew his parents for what they were, and he had other places to go. But did Regulus? It's pretty obvious that, terrified as he is of his mother, he still is able to convince himself that things might not be that bad. So I wonder if he's really been able to recognize fully that he is abused. Which means he's probably had less escape from it than Sirius has. So, then, his choices are still frustrating, but I felt like I could understand it. I could forgive him for folding under the threats from his terrifying, abusive mother, no matter how badly he might want to do better.

When you’d returned downstairs, the house was silent, the tapestry was smouldering, and Sirius was gone.
--this line really stood out to me. I liked it a lot.

It was so sad that Regulus never got to speak to Sirius again. That James--understandably, if perhaps wrongly--warned him off, and that he never worked up the courage to try and repair their relationship.

The fact that he died, in a way, trying to redeem himself--in part, to redeem himself to Sirius--ugh, that was just...

And that ending, the flashback to happier times, when they were just kids and brothers--that just sunk hooks into my heart and pulled.

Also, his cowardice in the face of his mother--however understandable--and his less understandable but very realistic cowardice in never speaking to his brother again really makes it such a big deal that he had the courage to defy Voldemort himself, and to steal his horcrux. He died doing a good thing, and it's made all the more powerful because that was probably harder for him than it would have been for another person. Regulus wasn't born brave, but he died brave.

Good work with this one-shot! It definitely packed some emotional punch, and I thought you drew Regulus really well.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Kayla! I hope it's been wonderful!

--Penny

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Review #24, by Penelope InkwellThe Keeper's Daughter: Happy New Year, Georgiana

21st April 2016:
And LO, THE SKY ERUPTED IN A RESOUNDING CHORUS AS THE JOYOUS CHERUBIM MELODICALLY DECLARED "'Tis most certainly about damn time!"

Finally, finally they not only kissed--although that was WONDERFUL. But they kissed and talked about it

And ahahaha they are both so terrible at it. But it's adorable. I ship it so hard.


We were all adults now and able to make adult decisions.
But just because we were able, did that mean they were sound?

Of course not. I dated Matteo.


--best. The relatability factor here is astounding.


Other highlights include:

- “What’s his name?”

“Towel boy?”



- Sophia's letter

- every word spoken by James Potter in the entire chapter! He really pops off the page--you're great at bringing your minor characters to life. And I love how he and Georgiana have such a great rapport. Not to get ahead of myself or anything, but they'd make great in-laws. Just sayin'.

Ugh I am just so excited for them to get back to Hogwarts and to see what comes next for Gee and Albus. I'm loving it!

--Penny

P.S. Your mention of 30 Days reminds me how it is the first story I remember reading obsessively after I'd made my HPFF account. Good times :D

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Review #25, by Penelope InkwellThe Keeper's Daughter: Rotisserie Chicken

21st April 2016:
I saw that there have been new chapters added to this story since I went on hiatus and I am SO excited!

Gee gnawing on the chicken was a wonderful visual. And then Albus coming in like that. I have this feeling that Oliver and Jane are snickering in the next room.

Speaking of gnawing on chicken carcasses without cutlery, I love how you've written Georgiana...the type of girl she is. She's just...real. She isn't some stereotype of girly, but she isn't unfeminine. There are times when she's *quite* "girly". But she also will tear apart a chicken with her bare hands when she's hungry, and she's hugely into sports. I just really love seeing a female character that doesn't fall into a stereotype of any specific "kind" of girl. She just seems like a person.


“Seriously?”

“Sure.”

“No, I mean you have chicken grease all over your hand.”

-- Bahaha, this bit was wonderful!

The explanation you gave Al for his behavior is quite sympathetic, but I agree with Gee--the best part is that he had a legitimate explanation, but not an excuse.

It's a bit sad, that moment when he asks her to come back to the team and you can see she kind of deflates a little, because she thinks that's all he's there for--for the good of the team.

But then that bit where they freak out over his hand on her leg. These two are such dorks! It's wonderful. And I kind of like this direction you've taken Albus. He's also a complex character. As a captain, he's often pretty confident, or at least knows how to take a firm stance. But you can also see that he's kind of a dork. Gee is smoother than he is (which, I mean, is really saying something). Usually depictions I see of him have Al as this super smooth individual, so this is a fun departure from that.

And they're drinking red wine together! I'm telling you, it's meant to be! :D

--Penny

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