Reading Reviews From Member: Penelope Inkwell
651 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope InkwellHealing: The Importance of Communication

23rd September 2015:
Hello there! I'm back for more. Took me a bit – Dobby time is crazy! But I'm so excited to be back :D

He planned to sequester himself in Ron’s room until he’d worked out how to speak to Ginny and explain everything without getting himself blasted to bits.
--Hahaha, this is such a realistic Harry thought. And accurate. I love how you've kept the side of Ginny that really gets Harry, and you've let her grow up a bit, but you haven't sacrificed any of her fierceness (or the fear she can instill in all who know her).

- “Were you dropped on your head as a child?”

-"You haven't met the Dursleys yet, have you? I probably was.”

--This was so great! I chuckled. And I mean, honestly, it's probably true. Poor Harry. He turned out amazingly well, all things considered.


“Haven’t your lips long for my touch?
--I'm thinking that "long" should probably be "longed".

“I know. That's part of why I love you. And why I'll get around to forgiving you.
Between the Battle, and Fred dying and coming back, and you doing the same… Well, I’ve learned that life’s too short and unpredictable to hold grudges over silly things.”

--the spacing got a little wonky here. There was an extra "enter" or something, I think, maybe?

So glad to see Harry and Ginny actually talking (and snogging!). And it wouldn't be the Burrow if there weren't a whole host of Weasley brothers there to witness it. Heeheehee. Hey, at least they got applause, right? Could have been worse. I could see Fred and George holding up voting numbers: "4 out of 10, Harry. I'm gonna need to see more passion." Really, he was lucky. And I loved that he just accepted that his life was never going to be without an audience and just carried on kissing Ginny. I mean, it's a rare man who can snog a girl in front of her brothers and have them cheering instead of calling for blood. Just go with it, Harry. Count your blessings ;)


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Review #2, by Penelope InkwellThe Lark and the Nightingale: Help from Padfoot

22nd September 2015:
That's right! TELL HIM he is being absurd!

Oh boy. Lily in cahoots with the Marauders (did I just say cahoots? Oh well, whatever, it fits)! Things have gotten serious. Or Sirius. (Sorry. Couldn't resist).

Oh no. Sirius, no. Rose petals. Candles?! This is just embarrassing. Oh, those poor, sweet babies are going to be mortified. I can't watch. *covers eyes* *peaks nervously out from between parted fingers*

Well, apparently I can. I just can't look away.

And, to be fair to the Marauders + Lily's craziness, these two don't really seem to get far with the subtle approach.

Ha! I love that Chiara has to be shoved inside, but Remus just looks at his friends, knows he's not getting out of it, and gives up. How very in character. :)

YESSS! Yes yes yes yes yesss! They kissed! It happened!

"When will you stop stealing my lines?
--that was so cute!

They are precious! Go Remara! Or Chiaremus? Go them!


(Thanks for the swap, Chiara! It's been fun!)

Author's Response: Ahahah!!! This review just made me laugh so hard!!!

Lily in cahoots with the Marauders, indeed! Who wwould've said? (By the way, it is fitting! Even if I had to look it up because I'd never heard the expression before! :P)

Ahahah! I wouldn't worry about it too much... Firstly, Lily has a bit more common sense. And secondly, Chiara and Remus are used to their friends' craziness! Well, sort of...

Ahahah! Isn't it funny? That Remus is just resigned and doesn't even try to escape? :P

Yes, they kissed! Aww, I'm so happy you found it cute!!! (I think I like Remara, by the way!)

Thank you so so so much again for the swap!!! I really hope I'll see you again here soon! :)

All my love,

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Review #3, by Penelope InkwellStand Tall: There's a Girl I Know

22nd September 2015:
YEEESSS!! She did it! I am so proud of Alba!!! She was a superstar!

James was an excellent Companion, too. It was a good thought, to make the plan sabotage, and it was good of him to ask about the terrain, even if they didn't give the answer.

Oh, and I really loved the wand weighing. I always like hearing about different characters and how their wands fit them, but I particularly enjoyed the way you described it all, as well as the character of Mrs. Zauberstabe. She really popped in a short amount of time. I wonder where it is that Alba had heard her surname before.

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Apparently he hadn’t told them about the blank paper to save his reputation.
--this is said like it's common knowledge, but I don't think it's been previously mentioned that James' paper was blank? It might be good to check on that, because I could be wrong. But if I'm not, it seems a little strange for us not to see that mentioned beforehand.

Ben shook his head, beaming at her. “Whatever you say, dear.”
--This seemed an odd thing for Ben to do, right after she had told James that she loved him. Wouldn't he be jealous? He's seemed jealous of James in the past. I was wondering if that was meant to be James' line, maybe?
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“Then you’re still the best this school has to offer. The Goblet knew that. Don’t forget it."
--Nurse Wainscott is absolutely right! She is very good at giving honest inspiration. I was just so glad that she said that, because she hit the nail on the head. Whatever Alba things--whatever anyone thinks, she is good enough. The Goblet wouldn't have chosen her otherwise.

For shame on the Hogwarts kids, for not supporting their own Champion. But I was very glad to see that the Ravenclaws were on board. I laughed when Ben said that the boys had been working on face paint options. :D Now that's the support I like to see.

And Alba was absolutely brilliant in the challenge! I am just so proud of her! She did an excellent job and used her brains and she rocked it! So excited to see the rest of what will happen. This plot is so interesting and fun to follow! Great job!


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Review #4, by Penelope InkwellThe Lark and the Nightingale: Wherefore art thou, Remus?

22nd September 2015:
Hello hello! Me again!

So, I think it was a bit cute, that Chiara was essentially waiting up for Remus (and a little concerned that he might develop a thing for the other prefect). Poor dear.

And Lily's right – Remus is obviously mad for her. But of course, we know the issue. I always feel so bad for Remus. He's so convinced that he needs to push everyone away that he wastes valuable time with people :(

At first I wasn't totally convinced by how suddenly Chiara sort of dropped her crush on Matthew – I had thought it might be better to let that peter out more slowly. BUT THEN it occurred to me that you might be drawing a parallel between Chiara and Matthew and Remus and Romeo and Rosalind and Juliet, and that's quite clever! So, if that's what you're doing, interesting take and good thought!

Oh, the boys, trying their best to throw her off the trail...and not doing it well. Dragon flu, indeed. Somehow I doubt that Chiara will be totally satisfied with that explanation. Now she'll be all worried about him.

And finally, FINALLY I get to talk about it – he said he loved her! And, I mean, then he ran away (typical Remus). But he said it and he meant it and there's no taking it back! Progress! :)


Author's Response: Ahahah! Aren't they adorable? Oh, Remus... He just can't shake the fear of hurting the people he cares about... The poor bloke... :(

I know, I know... Too rushed... Ah, didn't think about the parallel! I'll pretend that's what I was doing! :P Even if it sorts of make her a bit of a hypocrite, because she was disliking Romeo's character right for that reason... But then, again, she's a bit of a hypocrite anyway...

Ihihih! I love that passage! Dragon flu... Who wouldn't be 100% convinced by that? :P

Oh, yes! He said it!!! :D

Thank you for another amazing review! See you on the next! ;)

With love,

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Review #5, by Penelope InkwellThe Lark and the Nightingale: The Muggle Studies project

22nd September 2015:
Hey Chiara! Sorry it took me a bit to get to this! But here I am and, I have to say, I really enjoyed this chapter! :D

I'll start out with some of my favorite bits of dialogue.

"You're beautiful... As usual..."
--Aww. Oh, Remus. I can totally see him being like that. I love what you're doing with his characterization. He's still shy and studious, but he's clearly exercising his Gryffindor bravery in this chapter, auditioning for a show. And above all, he's got chivalry down pat. He sooo likes her. All aboard this ship!

-"She couldn't be serious..." Chiara complained while Remus and she were moving towards the Gryffindor common room after the lesson.

- "Of course she couldn't, I'm Sirius!" Sirius exclaimed, appearing all of a sudden behind them.
--Ohmygosh, the serious jokes never get old!. What a perfect entrance!

- "Was he serious?"

- "Are you really asking me that?"

--Bahahaha! Round two of the serious jokes, and I'm still lovin' it. Really good comedic timing. Somehow, having the jokes as a set made them even better.

- "For Merlin's beard, Sirius! Is it possible you never heard of Shakespeare?"

- "Is it something to eat?"

--Sirius! Ohmygosh, he's hilarious! (He could use a bit more Muggle Studies, though...)

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I know you're going to comb through all this later for typos, so I thought I'd just pick out a few places .

"Thought you didn't want, too."
--Here it would be, "Thought you didn't want to, either."

"Congratulations, Miss Morgan. And now... Nightingale, Chiara."
--So, in an audition, saying congratulations would imply that Miss Morgan got the part. A director would be unlikely to say that to one particular student like that, though she might say it to the whole group. It's far more likely that she'd end the audition with a "Thank you, Miss Morgan." That's not really a grammar thing so much as it is a theatre thing, and one of my college (read: University) degrees is in theatre, so I couldn't help myself.

She knew he had green eyes, of course, but she'd never noticed the golden reflexes they got sometime.
--"reflexes" isn't quite the right word here. Maybe, "she'd never noticed the golden cast they occasionally took on,"? That would imply that his eyes are sometimes tinted gold, which I think was what you were going for? But if not, lots of eyes are described as having "golden flecks", as well. Just little dots of gold within the iris.
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Now, as for content, I have to say, the idea of the Muggle Studies class putting on a presentation of Romeo and Juliet actually makes tons of sense!

I thought it was so cute that Remus understands her Italian, and can answer her back. Very "Remus" as well. :D

And he doesn't like Matthew. Well, fancy that. Wonder why that could be...

You know, I actually think that Sirius could play a really good Mercutio. Good casting (I mean, I'm assuming he gets it, but I feel like there's a pretty good chance)!

Oh my gosh, Lily and James' episode! Hahaha!

And Lily, saying that she'll just have to hope that Chiara gets sick. I love how she did that. Because it can be super awkward sometimes, being the understudy for a friend, because it's this unspoken thing that you'll only get stage time if something bad happens to them, and it just creates this weirdness. I love that she barreled right through that. And was quite observant. Chiara and Remus were staring at each other quite a bit, weren't they!

Another entertaining chapter! And on to the next!


Author's Response: Penny!!!
Please, don't apologize for the lateness. Your reviews just brightened my day!!!

Aww, Remus! He's such a sweetheart... Ahahah! Glad you're already cheering for them!!! :D

Ok... I might enjoy the old Sirius/serious pun a bit too much... :P

Ahahah! He could definitely use some Muggle Studies!!!

Ok for the CCs, I will definitely fix them (didn't think about the "Congratulations" thing, tthanks for pointing that out!)

Oh, good! So glad you liked the idea of the play!!! :)

I'll say later that Remus' mother is Italian, too. Anyway, it is sweet that he can understand her and answer her back. :) Ahahah! I wonder why he doesn't like Matthew too! ;)

Sirius is the perfect Mercutio, isn't he? ;)

Ahahah! Lily is so fun to write! Poor James... He's such a sweety! :P

I'm glad you liked her attempt to lighten the awkwardness! That's exactly what I was trying to do there!!!

Thank you so much for the swap and the amazing reviews!!!

Much love,

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Review #6, by Penelope InkwellStand Tall: She's Who's Winsome

22nd September 2015:
I am SO RELIEVED that James didn't put her name in. I was so angry with him. Like, whew. I cannot even tell you.

You know, in some ways it might be the best case scenario that Alba is in Ravenclaw. They're less likely to be swayed by emotion, and by how things look than by the facts. Alba can make a logical argument, and they'll listen. I mean, Gryffindor pretty much just tuned Harry out when it happened to him, at least at the start.

I can't help but wonder if Chandra did it. She was terrified to put her own name in.

I'm really glad that she chose Nurse Wainscott as her Guide. She has the strongest connection to her, and Nurse Wainscott knows her best.

Speaking of, what was wrong with Ben? It still does seem a bit odd.

Hmph. Durmstrang. I never had a problem with Viktor, of course, and at least Dimitri seems nice enough, but I'm keeping my eye on him. The Slytherin in me isn't all that trusting. I'd be really glad if he turned out to be a good guy, but it's too soon for me to bank on that.

And Ben is so cute with his little owl!


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Review #7, by Penelope InkwellStand Tall: Don't Wish, Don't Start

22nd September 2015:
YES! Alba got it! I'm so excited! I mean, I'm sure she's terrified and infuriated, but I believe that she can do it. However, James better RUN! I mean, honestly, risk someone's life, why don't you? Without their consent? Not cool.

I loved that Alba was working on crossword puzzles through the whole thing. Very Ravenclaw of her. And I was so proud of the way that she didn't falter, despite everything. She stood tall and handled herself beautifully, even though the student body was no doubt shocked.

CC: Just a few little spelling things.

The deep red and pale blue of there robes
--there = their

The site took her off guard for a moment.
--I think that "site" here ought to be "sight"

Alba stood in shocked reverence of it’s beauty; answers to it’s little riddles.; Her head swiveled to the side on it’s own accord.
--In all these cases, the it's should be its, since they're possessive rather than contractions of "it has". And in the last one, I think the phrase is usually written "of its own accord" rather than "on its".

I'm just so, so happy that Alba is the Champion. For a while, I was worried that she'd just be James' Companion, and I really wanted her to be it! I'm delighted!!! Also, I really like the addition of Guides and Companions being added in, officially, to reduce cheating. That's definitely a step I could see the Ministries taking. And it's great characterization that Alba has already looked into the entire history of the competition. She clearly likes to be prepared and was ready to help James if she needed to. I wonder if she'll forgive him in time for him to be her Companion. And which teacher will she choose as her Guide?!

I have to say, that was just so not cool of James. I mean, I'm sure he believed that Alba could never be picked (which isn't really flattering in the first place, though I suppose I can understand it, since Alba didn't think she could be picked, either. Still, it's one thing to say that yourself, and another to have a friend bank on it). But then, also, he tricked Chandra into entering her name – really bravely, I might add, since she's terrified of water – and he took no risk at all. Not cool, James.

And where is Ben? It does seem odd that he wasn't there. Oh my gosh, he is going to FLIP!

I bet Maude will actually be a great support for Alba in all this. But I'm looking forward to see. I'm really enjoying reading this story. Your plot is addictive! I'm so glad that this was nominated for a Dobby, because it deserves it, and because it set me on the path to reading this great story! Great, great work!


P.S. Loving the Wicked references in the chapter titles!

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Review #8, by Penelope InkwellBeauty Queen: Don't Go

21st September 2015:
“Ah yes, changing the topic when you know I’m right; I’ve trained you well in this art,” I mused, causing Dom to laugh.
--I love this, because that is Natasha's typical reaction.

Dom was right--they've been really distant lately. I was so glad to see her address it, like a good, mature friend, instead of just getting miffed over it and letting the chasm grow. And I'm really glad to see that they're going to work on it!


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Review #9, by Penelope InkwellIgnite: Sackcloth and Ashes

18th September 2015:
Hey there! I remember I enjoyed this story so much the first time, but I wanted to re-familiarize myself with it a bit before Dobby voting.

Poor Scorpius. I mean, Albus had a point--what he did was more than a little stupid and unfair. But, like he says, Scorpius prefers an audience. Having 2/3 of the school or so giving him the silent treatment is probably the worst punishment you could give him. Especially with Al not talking to him, either.

The difference was that where Rose ranted, Hestia was more the kind to conclude her diatribe with informative pamphlets... And according to Albus, Scorpius had taken the pamphlet explaining what a menace to society he was and had it framed. She'd not had the heart to tell Hestia.

Somehow I think that leather pants aren't going to be quite as anti-Malfoy as Rose suspects...

I'm glad that you show us this bit with Rose and Hector. When smart girls are taken in by jerkish guys, I really like when you get to see why, because otherwise it doesn't seem to match up to their character. I mean, 'we're all fools in love' or whatever, but since it's quite clear that Rose isn't at all in love with Hector, I'm glad that we can see why she doesn't realize how he is. He's a completely different, seemingly quite likable and even considerate, person around her.

Oh Methuselah. You're such a frustration, and such a joy *cries*

It cracks me up that Scorpius is so up on the gossip, but it seems very him. He's such a social creature.

I have to say, insulting someone's earrings is pretty catty and unnecessary, but I think Selena's pretty justified in being miffed over getting detention. Especially a Forbidden Forest detention. No earring is worth that.

'Presumed destroyed, Professor, it's not proven.'

Reading this just reminds me of how incredibly well you manage to weave such humor into the angsty, horrible situations that are soon to come. That's such a gift. Congratulations on your Dobby nominations! You've earned them!


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Review #10, by Penelope InkwellTurbulence: Chapter 4

18th September 2015:
Hey Erin! I've been reading through all the Dobby nominees--CONGRATULATIONS!--and of course I've already favorited this story, and reviewed most of it, but doing all that reminded me that I hadn't yet R&R'ed this chapter, so here I am!

You wrote the hospital wing scene really well. I feel so bad for Tori, and all that she's struggling with. You really write her in a way that allows me to connect to her, emotionally.

The fear bubbled, it began to rise, consuming her, tearing her apart from the inside. She gasped, unable to take it anymore, and then… white.
--this was a great transition.

Christy is such a good friend. I really love her. I mean, I'm sure she can drive a girl crazy, especially someone like Astoria, who has so many secrets. But still, she's just the kind of friend that Astoria needs. I'm so glad that she has someone that determined watching out for her. And the best thing is, Christy may push and push, but she clearly knows that there are times to back off. Like, she knows when Astoria is in one of those reminiscent moods and ought to be left alone. She really seems to understand her friend, or she understands her as much as she can with all the information that's being withheld. And she truly seems to care.

How do Fey and Durant know all about her family? And what did she tell Ferdi, I wonder?

Erin, you're so brilliant! I love what you did with Quodpot--Squadders and Cepters and all that! Did you come up with that?! It's so clever! I hope we get to see a game :D

And I'm glad that Astoria has agreed to help Pooja. I hope she might fall in love with Quadpot again, too. It'd be nice to see her doing something that would make her happy.


--this could use a space after the period.

and her small frame as well as a certain knack for flying had made her one of the fastest fliers on the pitch.
--this is pretty darn nitpicky, but that's what's left to me. This was a very clean chapter. But I think that 'a knack for flying made her a fast flyer' [paraphrasing], sounds a bit repetitive. it might sound better to say, "a certain knack with a broomstick had made her one of the fastest flyers on the pitch," or something like that.

I am enjoying this story so much! There are still so many questions I am dying to know the answers to, and I love seeing all the ways that you expand on canon, and put your own twist on things here at the American wizarding school. It's brilliant, and so fun to read. Congratulations on your Dobby nomination, chicadee! It's really exciting, and you deserve it!


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Review #11, by Penelope Inkwellpaper cranes: letters to a (dead) sweetheart

18th September 2015:
Hey! I'm coming by R&Ring the Dobby nominees--congratulations. And wow, this story is amazing. (Okay, I was a bit bad because I came by and read this during nominations, and I didn't review--which is against my usual practice--but I had always planned to come back and do so. And here I am! So it works out, right?)

Part of the reason I didn't review immediately was rushing to read as much as possible so that I could get my nominations in order. But really the bigger reason was that your story quite literally left me speechless. It's beautiful.

Shall I count the ways I love it?

- I love the way Andromeda goes through the story books--Muggle and magical--to remember her family

- I love the way the books have notes in them, commemorating occasions. It really drives home the tragedy, somehow.

- I love that she calls her daughter Nymphadora, always, because she's always her little girl, even when she's "Tonks" to everyone else (and maybe even though it might have driven poor Tonks crazy. From the outside, there's still something sweet about it).

- I love that Nymphadora's hair turns electric blue when she's happy. Like Teddy.

- I love that her parents wrap her presents in bright blue paper, because they know that, to her, that's the color of happiness

- I love that Sirius and Andromeda are close

- I love that Sirius caught Ted in a net

- I love that Sirius tried to catch Remus in a net. No explanations.

- I love that Sirius totally ships it.

- I love the way she writes him letters, and I also hate it. I hate it because it hurts my heart. But it's good.

- I love (and also hate) the way she struggles with, if she could have her miracle, who would she ask for. It's impossible--totally impossible--to choose, but I think it was a very believable thing, to have her wonder that in her grief.

- I love that Andromeda insisted on visiting Ted in the Hospital WIng.

- I love that Dean comes to visit her, after being on the run with Ted.

- I love that all she asks of Dean is to prove that someone can walk out the door and come back.

- I love that Dean does come back, and that he, Seamus, and Andromeda talk, and she comes to life a bit. I love that they're kind enough to care about her, and she about them.

- I love that they invite her to the memorial.

- I love that Andromeda chose her family at first, and then said no. I love that she ran back to Ted, and he accepted her with open arms. I love that they ran away together. I love that he had to ask, because how could he know. And I love how she did not hesitate to say "I love you."

- I love it.

- I love that she does manage to get out of the house. She manages to make a start.

- And I love (and hate, and love) that you didn't end with that, though. You didn't make it that easy. Because it's not that easy, and working through grief takes time. She'll get there, though. She'll have nights when she'll cry, and when the memories will be so painful, but she'll also make a new life. Some of the empty spaces will fill in. I believe that the woman you show us here--the woman who left everything to start a life with Ted Tonks, and who was strong enough to wait while her loved ones went off--I do believe she's strong enough.

You did a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful job of painting Andromeda. It was painful, but wonderful. Congratulations on your Dobby nomination--you certainly deserve it!


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Review #12, by Penelope InkwellEffortlessly Dead: Secret Plans

17th September 2015:
Okay! So, we've met the mysterious Magpie now, too! And his primary accomplice!

You wrote that café scene really well. I felt like I could really picture it, down to the poor-quality coffee. Although, to be fair, maybe the coffee was fine. Murdo did admit he wasn't fond of the stuff. Which already makes him extra-suspicious in my book ;)

I wonder if Gry is right. She seems to have a lot of faith in Murdo, but I thought that bit about how he might lie to other people but would never lie to her seemed terribly ominous.

It was exciting, though, to meet the other side.

You know, you've introduced a lot of characters in the last few chapters, but it's never felt overwhelming to me. I feel like I've been able to keep track of them all. That's a hard thing to do in the first few chapters of a story, especially when you have a fairly sizable cast, and you've done it really well. I really enjoy seeing all these threads dangling--all these different people and pieces of the story--and waiting to see how you'll weave them together.

Is it just me, or is no one in this fic very good with animals? First, Menna had the cat incident--that was probably a cat, but might have been an animagus and is causing her all this trouble. Then Ifan had his cat issue, Harry had to face down that owl, Menna had her magpie issue...these are not animal people, I'm thinking.

So, I'm thinking that Cosmas might be the healer that's working in league with the Magpie? And his son worked with the body of the victim. Now that's a small world. I'm really looking forward to seeing Menna thrown into the mix at their house.

Also, I really like everyone's names!


“I’m going to learn how to control whether with magic.”
--whether = weather

I won’t take the risk that something happened to him.
--since this would be in the future, I think it might be better to say something like, "I won’t take the risk of something happening to him."

“Are you sure that’s everything you have for me to tell?”
--"that you have for me to tell" sounds a little jumbled. "Are you sure that's everything you have to tell me?" or
"Are you sure that's everything that you can tell me?" might sound a bit more natural.

“Although I can’t imagine why Bell wants to have dinner with her future husband’s parents like this is beyond me, I give you that.”
--This seems to be two potential sentences sandwiched into one. Like, "Although I can’t imagine why Bell wants to have dinner with her future husband’s parents like this.” and "Although why Bell wants to have dinner with her future husband’s parents like this is beyond me, I give you that.”

This is a really intriguing fic, and very well-written! I am so glad that I've run across it, thanks to the Dobbys, and I'm deeply curious to see what you're going to do with it. I'll be favoriting it so that I can come back and find out! Congratulations again on your Dobby nominations--you absolutely deserve them! And thank you for sharing your story. :D


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Review #13, by Penelope InkwellEffortlessly Dead: In the Nest of Shrikes

17th September 2015:
he wondered how his brother, who was practically the nicest person in the world,
--This made me laugh. Oh, good, the nicest person in the world is in a gang of assassins. That says comforting things about the state of society. ;)

Oh! Are they Welsh? "Cariad" is Welsh, isn't it? I like that. Scotland and Ireland and England always get represented in HP fics, but I never see much from Wales.

“But people don’t like talking about them,” Ron explained. “It’s as if they believe that talking about them would attract their attention.
--Well there's certainly precedent for that. I think it's really interesting--and pretty cool--that you've turned that reluctance to name a thing into a distinctive mark of wizarding culture, rather than something unique to the reign of, well, You-Know-Who ;) It makes sense, too. There's plenty of magical-type stuff in which names are powerful in Great Britain. Like calling the fairies "the Good Neighbors" so as not to draw their eye. I like what you've done with it :)

Oh! This is gonna link up to Harry in the Auror office. Oh, now that's really interesting. I'm loving seeing things from all these different perspectives! That's really neat. It's like interlocking puzzle pieces, which really builds up the mystery. Plus, I think I'm going to have trouble deciding who to cheer for: the Aurors, or the murderous clan of framed assassins!

Ooh, yup! They're Welsh, yay!!

I'm enjoying the different roles the characters of the Goodwin/Prendergast family play. I can tell you've really thought through their characterizations.


“Whoever it was must have worked pretty hard to find discriminating evidence.
--I think "incriminating" might be more suited to this than "discriminating".

Besides, hadn’t he himself been a long time ago in almost the exact same position as she was now?
--This might flow better as, "Besides, a long time ago, hadn’t he himself been in almost the exact same position as she was now?"

Aled despised violence and killed only as a last result
--it seems like "last resort" might fit better than "last result".

Excellent work! I'm really enjoying the tone and the characters, and the quality of your writing is wonderful.


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Review #14, by Penelope InkwellEffortlessly Dead: Death Comes Calling

17th September 2015:
Hello hello! I'm here checking out the Dobbys nominations. Congratulations, by the way!

So, this is sooo intriguing.

First off, that CI is great for a murder chapter. Ick! It made me shivers.

You did a really lovely job with that first section. I liked the cat-and-mouse opening, and getting to listen in on the murderer's thoughts, watch her process. It was super creepy! But in a good way. You definitely set the atmosphere up nicely.

And then I loved the vibe you set up in the morgue. I've a bit of a morbid sense of humor, so it was cracking me up, the way Galen was hiding out from his mother and sister and wedding details and enjoying the peace and quiet of the morgue. You really did well with walking the line between creating a warmer atmosphere while still giving us those creepy undertones. I mean, the bodies helped ;)

I loved that Rosie was asking the dead woman for her opinion on earrings for a date!

All of that cheerfulness--down to the description of the head mortician as a jovial person. I feel like, when they come up in fiction, people who work in funeral homes are always described as solemn and dreary and kind of eerie, but you flipped that trope on its head. And it makes sense to me. I think you'd need to be a sort of cheerful person, really, to work in that sort of job. Or, at least, it would help.

And then that thing about the Shrikes--it's so sinister--the murders, the impaling, the signatures, the not knowing who they are. And I love that you chose this fluttery little songbird that spears things for the name of the murdering clan. That's great!


So, as a rule, I always try to give CC, because I find it really useful to me, as a writer. However, in the words of Albus Dumbledore, "This is, as they say, your party." ;) I'll give a suggestion or an opinion, but obviously you're the author, so you go with what feels right for you!

From her current position, she couldn’t hear it but she was certain the mouse was squeaking in terror.
--I think it might be more correct to delete the comma after "position" and put one in after "it".

The young woman was one of those few people, although her reasons for staying out at that hour weren’t exactly the most popular nor acceptable.
--It might flow better to say, "although her reasons for staying out at that hour weren't exactly the most popular, nor the most acceptable." Or "although her reasons for staying out at that hour would neither be popular nor acceptable."

so Galen amused himself by holding animate (and entirely one-sided) conversations with the dead.
--I think "animate" should probably be "animated".

"It's only purpose..."
--In this case, "It's" should be "its".

Really nice job! I'm eagerly awaiting this next chapter, so off I run!


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Review #15, by Penelope InkwellChicks Before Broomsticks: Fake Date

17th September 2015:
Aw, poor Hollie.

I really do hope the paparazzi aren't awful. Like, that they don't take Logan's side and imply that Hollie is some sort of homewrecker. That's the last thing she needs right now.

I love that Witch Weekly has better journalism than The Daily Prophet!
I'm really interested to know how Fred Weasley (II) is going to be depicted in this fic.

Man, Roxanne really knows how to work the press.

Hollie really is in deep, in more ways than one. I feel like this is going to be so much more of an ordeal than she realized. But she has an entertaining voice that's warm and relatable. I like hearing--well, reading--her narration of things


You mentioned that there are 'still' magazine pictures--which I'm assuming are Muggle magazines, as Tutshill's not a wizarding-only village? But it's odd that there would be wizarding media stuff in a place where Muggles could run into it. So, it might be good to explain that the Muggles can't see Witch Weekly or the Prophet, or to mention that the owner of the stand is an enterprising witch/wizard selling to all customers, maybe using some charm to make the wizarding papers look like something really boring--like, a magazine for people who collect vintage tea cozies, or something? That's just one idea out of a bunch of possibilities. But it might be good to have an explanation of some sort.

“I only played the two years,” Roxanne said. When Hollie furrowed her eyebrows in surprise,
--It's odd here that Hollie is surprised by this statement, because in chapter 3 Hollie herself had said that Roxanne had only played for two years, during her internal monologue. So, it seems like Hollie already knew that.

This is a super readable fic. It just glides along smoothly, and the characters are interesting, and it really just make you want to know what's going to happen to them. It's cute and really well written. Congratulations again on your Dobby nomination! That's phenomenal! :D


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Review #16, by Penelope InkwellChicks Before Broomsticks: Big Game

17th September 2015:
Whoa! That was an unexpected ending. Points to you, because I love a good plot twist.

I'm guessing that maybe she's suggesting being her 'girlfriend' to get the Prophet off her back and to keep people from wondering about it?

I cannot believe he put stupid Logan out there. He was obviously hung over. Obviously. He was never going to play well. I understand about keeping the fans happy, but you have to be able to win the game, too, and it's pretty hard to win the game without a functional Seeker. This guy. Honestly--drunk at a children's play ground, during a meet and greet with elementary aged kids. He'd already hit rock bottom. I can't believe he wasn't benched for that, alone. I won't pretend things like popularity and publicity shouldn't be taken into account, but it seems like the Tornados have got a pretty crappy coach.

Poor Alec.

“Shall we discuss the white Hippogriff in the room,
--I love when people wizard-ify idioms! :D

Oh, good, they have one more chance. No more mistakes, ever. For a Quidditch team.



The Rival’s Games,

a certain adorable knack for following the rules,
--since the word 'knack' was used just above, I'd suggest using an alternate word, like "tendency".

“Shall we discuss the white Hippogriff in the room,
--I loved this! But the one thing is, the idiom is just "the elephant in the room". A 'white elephant' is a concept/thing, but it means something different. The first means "something obvious and uncomfortable that people want to avoid discussing". The second is "a possession that is useless or troublesome, especially one that is maintained at great personal cost."

Another entertaining chapter! Looking forward to seeing what's going to happen next!


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Review #17, by Penelope InkwellChicks Before Broomsticks: Fast Life

17th September 2015:
Hello hello! I'm here checking out the Dobby nominations. Congratulations!

Hollie seems to be a likable protagonist so far. I like her voice. And her willingness to stand up for herself. Besides, I appreciate that she's sensible. I mean, we've all made poor choices, but when you're trying to work your way up from the bench, you really can't be partying at all hours.

he didn’t know why he insisted on whistling when no one was talking, but he did and she hated it.
--I had P.E. teachers like that, back in middle and high school. It really is the worst.

Hmm...interesting that Roxanne feels the ned to apologize. I don't know that you'd do that if just anyone had walked in on you making out with someone. Why apologize? Unless, perhaps, you were interested.

Look, I'm just sayin'!


I find the stars a little distracting, with the Spanish. I'd suggest putting it in italics. People usually know to look to the a/n if they want a translation for italicized terms, esp. in foreign languages.

a few candid’s
--I don't think ou need the apostrophe here.

Good work! On to the next chapter!

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Review #18, by Penelope InkwellL'optimisme: Similes

17th September 2015:
Even now, when I think of it, it brings a smile to my face, and I wonder what others would think if I told them, in all honesty, that Gellert Grindelwald, terror of Europe, former dictator and Dark Lord, was an avid reader – and lover, indeed – of poetry
--once again, I really like how you give Grindelwald facets. He was ruthless, a killer, yes. But he also loved poetry and apparently enjoyed the opera.

Do they allow you books in Nurmengard? I cannot imagine they do; they are still wary of you, of what you might do if given the chance. Perhaps I should send you some – novels, poetry, history – if only to save you from yourself. Locking you in prison was one thing, but sitting back and allowing you to drive yourself quite mad with boredom is another.
--Yes! Called it!

No, in this we were opposites – as we were in so many things, as we discovered in the end.
--I find it interesting that Gellert really clings to the idea that they were always together in this, that they had thought the same things and that Albus had just kind of bailed, almost chickened out. Or, at least, that's how he seems to think about it. Dumbledore, on the other hand, believes that, at their cores, there were always key differences, even as he doesn't really look down on Gellert. It's interesting.


similies and comparisons,
--I think it's spelled "similes".

since my own linguistic skills have always been poor, despite your best attempts at instruction, my darling.
--I wondered about this a bit, since we know that Dumbledore speaks Mermish and Gobbledegook, at least.

Excellent job, Aph! Your writing really is superb (and I can see why you're so fond of the Romantic poets--it's beautifully reflected in your style. Congratulations on all your Dobbys nominations, once again!


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Review #19, by Penelope InkwellL'optimisme: Words

17th September 2015:
Though their meanings are often simpler to decipher, words are as potent as silence can be – and, in my experience, are far more likely to be employed to hurt, as they require far less skill on the part of the one wielding them. They can bite and nip, wound to the bone, and potentially kill.
--This is a great description, and very true. I don't know that I've thought of it before, but he's quite right: it takes skill to powerfully wield silence. Words are much easier. It reminds me--back when I was studying acting--one of the notes we'd always get as fledgling actors were notes on how to use silence. We could all read the lines, and do it well, but learning when to pause, and how long to hold it, and having the courage to hold it out, to trust your instincts and not break under the pressure and the silence--that took a lot of work.

And, of course, as all mothers seem to know, silent treatment and "being disappointed" can be so much worse than recriminations and loud words.

It is interesting to note here that, of course, all spells are formed of words, incantations, used to focus the magic and so allow it to flow in a concentrated, precise manner. For this reason, non-verbal magic is so difficult and a highly prized skill amongst powerful witches and wizards. If spells can kill, can be unforgiveable, cannot words be the same?
--this is sooo Dumbledore-esque. It's like you've captured how he sounds in the notes in "The Tales of Beedle the Bard. That was a great touch--these kind of intellectual asides. He's so smart, he can't help making them, and he knows that Gellert would be able to keep up.

I love the idea that he went off to work as Nicolas Flamel's assistant after all that. It makes sense that he would flee, really, and that he would want to go somewhere far away. But it also seems the sort of thing that would be a bit prestigious, that would suit his advanced mind. And, of course, it's a nice little fill-in to the question of how the two of them met.

Nice work!


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Review #20, by Penelope InkwellL'optimisme: Wales

17th September 2015:
They have allowed me books, you know – only in recent years, when they have stopped thinking of me as a threat (though I cannot help but wonder if this, too, is your doing. It would not surprise me)
--this was an interesting--and very believable--touch. I could see Dumbledore being concerned for anyone's prison conditions, no matter what they had done. I think, as a great mind himself, he would be troubled by the idea of a brilliant mind turning in on itself and going madder for lack of exercise. And then, of course, it was Gellert. And it's clear in this fic that, whatever he had done and whatever had become of them, there was a part of him that still cared.

Instead of saying that, instead of being utterly honest with you, I spoke to you of how you were wasted here, how we both were, how our talents would be better served elsewhere, anywhere, together. It was what you wanted to hear, no? To be encouraged to want to leave, to have that desire understood by someone who could match you? It was what you wanted to hear, and what I wanted to tell you.
--this was a really interesting idea--the thought that Gellert's urging was initially not based on the idea that they were too good for that place, but his desire to connect to Albus, to be someone whom Albus would feel could understand him. It adds a lot of depth to Gellert's character.

I did not like you distracted, subdued like a whipped dog; I wanted you to be alive.
--this is such an interesting line. It goes from sounding selfish--he doesn't want Albus to be distracted from him, from their plans--to what sounds like legitimate concern, though in a harsh way that fits his character. Once again, you manage to give Gellert some facets and angles, rather than making him a caricature of an "evil wizard". Maybe it was this experience, early on, that made Dumbledore so open to seeing the good in people all the world might judge to be "bad" (like Snape, or Draco). He was so forgiving of the people whom nobody thought was worthy of it, and I can see how that could have begun with Gellert, with his knowledge of how a person can go so wrong, but can still have goodness in them

I could not help it, and I tried to cover it, tried to hide the embarrassment and shame I felt of having such childish emotions (for they are, no matter what you might say about romance and comfort)
--this was another interesting piece of characterization--an opposition to Dumbledore's beliefs about the power and importance of love. And this, too, fits quite well.

As soon as she had died – even as I felt the blood on my cheek starting to dry and my hand trembling because she was dead and I knew her killer and I knew you needed me but how could I stay, how could I – I knew that you had been destroyed. Without her, your passion for the ideals fled (perhaps they had been centred in her all along, and I had simply been too blind and too selfish to see it)
--So he really does know. I'm curious--do you have a headcanon for which of them it was. Do you have a hard idea of what, exactly, Gellert saw here. He's right, though. Maybe Dumbledore did need him, but he truly would have been sent to Azkaban. They wouldn't have believed him. (and, if they could test his wand...what if it wasn't him? That could have destroyed Albus even more. Perhaps in some ways Gellert did the kindest thing for him. We don't know if he was the killer, but if he wasn't, he gave Albus a scapegoat; he gave him the chance to believe that Albus himself had not done it).

I thought that was interesting, about how maybe it was for Ariana all along. I think that was mentioned, in the books, right? That if their plans came to fruition, Ariana wouldn't have to be hidden. I do think a large part of Albus latching onto their plans was a desire to get out of dodge, but I still think it could have been a significant factor, and I liked seeing Gellert reflect on it.


huge, green hills rolling off into the horizon, their sides untouched, perhaps even unchartered,
--I think that "unchartered" should be "uncharted."

No, now as I sit here, fighting cramp and fading sight,
--it might be better to say "cramps" instead of "cramp".

Wow. In just one chapter, you've added a lot of depth to a villain. I'm really impressed!


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Review #21, by Penelope InkwellL'optimisme: Silence

17th September 2015:
Hello again! It's me, reading through the Dobby noms--congratulations, yet again!

In others, we are the oppressors, spiting hatred, a kind of verbal violence. It is in moments like that we feel at our most powerful, when we do not need to raise a hand to make people kneel and crawl and weep.

No one talks about silence.

It is the forgotten part of conversations, the part no one thinks about or considers as important, but, really, which defines everything. There is nothing quite so terrifying as a pause, only a second’s worth of silence. Your heart quickens, your mouth dries and your palms sweat; you wait, anxious, suddenly second-guessing yourself about everything you thought you knew, wondering if, maybe, you were wrong. In the hands of a master, it is an intense, deadly weapon, choking you without requiring any force, any malice, anything other than itself.

--this whole passage is phenomenal. It just really is.

You do a great job with balancing words and emotion. This fic obviously revels in word usage (in a way that I think suits Dumbledore quite well), but it doesn't gum up the works, as can sometimes happen. I feel like the emotion still really shines through--especially the pain and confusion and horror of Ariana's death.

I think you've also done a really good job of capturing Dumbledore's voice--academic, but still emotionally attached. Wise. Occasionally self-deprecating. It really suits his character.

I've never seen a fic in which he was this forgiving of Grindelwald, or willing to be this vulnerable in front of him, so that's a very interesting take. He seems a bit more secure of Gellert's affections here, and I'm interested to see how that's going to go.

I can almost hear you laughing at me; I almost wish I could.
--this was so sad. :(


We are warned against it, wary of their power since young,
--I wasn't sure, or anything, but I thought that "since young" might not flow as well as some other options, like "since we are young", or "from our youth"? But, like I said, I'm not certain those are better, by any means, it's just a thought, because "since young" stuck out a little, to me.

spiting hatred
--should this be "spitting hatred?"

Excellent work, but then I'm hardly surprised. Your way with words really is incredible, though.


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Review #22, by Penelope InkwellThe Orchard: Chains

17th September 2015:
Mary caught herself staring at the cracks in the castle walls for too long sometimes. The places where the mortar was the only thing keeping the stones together. She imagined it chipping away slowly, crumbling as the hands of time clicked away.
--I really liked this opening. It set up Mary's mindset for us without telling us outright. And it was just a very nice bit of writing.

Ha! Florence on the Quidditch team. That'll be fun times. Poor James.

I do wonder about Lily there. It's odd to say that they mean no real harm. I mean, she seemed to think that the Dark Magic the Slytherin boys were getting up to was dangerous when she broke things off with Snape. I wonder if she just wants to believe that, because she can't bear to believe the worst of it? Or maybe she was a bit more protected for a while, by being Snape's friend. If that's the case, I wonder if it'll change now.

Mary couldn’t help but notice the strange shadows they would cast and how the dark would flee with each step they took. Mary tried to let that comfort her.
--I liked this bit, too.

I can definitely see why Florence and Lily wouldn't get along. Mary's right--they're a bit too much alike. Very opinionated, very protective.

I wonder what it is, exactly, that happened to Mary. Was it getting attacked by Mulciber? But then it also seems like something's happened with her family. She's such a sad, careful girl, and for all her living in the moment, she seems really reluctant to interact with anything or anyone. She seems a bit more at ease around James, but apart from that, even Mafalda and Florence seem to set her on edge, and she's so uncomfortable around Lily and Laura. I hope she can break through a bit of this, soon, but it seems as though she's really been through something awful.


There was a slicing chill to the air that some students swore that it was from more than just the cold.
--This sentence seems to be stuck between two different directions. I think this should either be, "There was a slicing chill to the air and some students swore that it was from more than just the cold," or "There was a slicing chill to the air that some students swore was from more than just the cold."

That is what Mary felt, though, if anyone where to look at them they could assume they were the best of friends taking on the windy Scottish autumn together.
--I don't think you need that comma after "though".

maybe she thought it may atone her for something.
--most properly, you wouldn't say "atone her"; you'd just say "atone". I think it would also be more correct to switch "may" to "might".

Man, the mysteries just keep on stacking up: what's happened to Laura? Why did she want to talk to Mary? What was the deal with what Regulus said to Mary? Why did Lily call the Slytherin boys 'harmless'? Why did those people disappear? What's happened to Mary, to make her so lost and timid?

Why on earth does Florence suddenly want to play Quidditch?!

So many questions. You do a good job of linking in little mystery after little mystery, making us curious. I wonder what Mary thinks of the other Marauders, too. And I'm curious about whether she'll connect with Lily, eventually, or whether they'll remain at odds.

Good work, and congratulations again on your Dobby nomination! That's huge! :D


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Review #23, by Penelope InkwellThe Orchard: These Walls

17th September 2015:
She kept to herself as well and would only sometimes sit with her dorm mates at tea time when she couldn’t bully a word out of her Ravenclaw friend.
--It was really interesting to see Mary's perspective come out with the word "bully". From Lily's perspective, or even from Florence (who would probably do the same thing), that word wouldn't be warranted. I like the way you're slipping bits of characterization in subtle places.

She found herself gazing more out of the window in the foggy evening air than reading. She watched the raindrops fall on the glass and zigzag all the way down like shooting stars. Drops of wishes that all too quickly disappeared into the night air. The tip of the chimney of Hagrid’s hut and some of the branches from the Whomping Willow seemed to carve their way through the fog.
--Love the imagery here!

“First years are coming,” Florence said and pointed behind her. Peeves let out a howl and zoomed past the three of them with exuberance.
--This girl. Honestly, she cracks me up :)

Oh! For some reason I had thought that Mary was a Muggleborn, but I suppose she's a Pureblood, isn't she. Ahh, okay. Now I can see it. Well, then I suppose she's just rather sensitive to atmosphere? Or did something happen to *her* family? I wonder...

“Gods, Mary, why are you awake? Why am I awake?” she complained. She yawned and dropped her head onto Mary’s lap. “Friday’s are rubbish. I woke up and saw that I still have this nasty colour of varnish on my nails still. It made me want to get sick on Mafalda, to be honest.”
--every line Florence says is just a gem. You're doing a great job with her. It's good to have someone to lighten the mood a bit.


It was strange for those involved to see such an alive, vivacious girl suddenly cave into oneself.
--I think that, in this case, "herself" might match up better than "oneself" does.

The worst came from Lily who didn’t know what do to with herself now that her friend was back, but a friend so changed didn’t make it any easier for the Gryffindor who was used to getting her own way.
--I think there should be a comma before "who didn't"

It gave an eerie appearance to the grounds as though they were apparitions.
--I believe there should be a comma before "as though". Also, your use of they suggest that the grounds look like apparitions, but I think that you're referring to the branches and the chimney? Might be good to clarify that.

Another good chapter. And I'm just as nosy as the rest of the student body, because I want to know what happened to Laura. I also really like that you've cast James and Mary as old friends--it's nice to get a glimpse of him from that perspective. Oh, and I like that you included Peeves! Poor Peeves, left out of the movies. I like seeing him make an appearance in people's fics!


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Review #24, by Penelope InkwellThe Orchard: Welcome

17th September 2015:
Hi! I'm stopping by, trying to read through all the Dobby nominations--CONGRATULATIONS! by the way.

So, this is really interesting. I've never read a Marauders Fic that didn't start with either Lily's friends or the Marauders themselves, but this one seems to start out with another social group. It's interesting to see Lily from the perspective of people who aren't friends with her, who see her as an outsider.

Florence rolled her eyes and threw the polish out the window.
--I feel like in a very short time, you've been able to tell us a lot about Florence's character. This says a lot. She pops off the page. She would annoy me like crazy in real life, but reading about her makes me laugh :D

They began chatting about the long summer which really was no summer at all and was unseasonably rainy and cold the whole time.
--I love that you included this detail! It's like when the weather went sour when the Dementor presence increase in the books. And it makes a lot of sense, since Voldemort is on the rise.

I think it was very realistic to depict Mary as being sort of disillusioned with the wizarding world as anti-Muggleborn sentiment rises. After all, Muggleborns aren't that common, so her friends probably can't totally relate to what she's feeling (although, to be fair, she does seem to be trying to hide it, rather than talk it out).

I wonder if maybe she'll connect with Lily? It could be a bonding point, between them, that they're both having this experience.

And I wonder what happened to Lily's friends!


So, as a rule, I always give a bit of CC, because I find it super helpful as a writer. However, it's my observations and opinions; sometimes choices are stylistic and not meant to be 100% grammatically accurate, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes you might just like it the way it is, and that's okay! I'm just pointing out some things I noticed, and you can do whatever you want with them. You're the author--you do your thing. :)

The weather was startlingly cold for September First.
--in this case, I don't believe you'd capitalize "first".

Especially since she recieve a free train ride where nothing happened.
--"recieve" should be spelled "receive", and it should also be past tense, so "received".

She said there was no particular reason for this and that it had become a habit since first year however no one pointed out that it hadn’t always been that way. They let it go like they always did as they sat down beside Florence who was sitting about halfway down the Gryffindor table.
--I think the first sentence might flow a bit better if "however" was changed to "and". And I think there ought to be a comma after "Florence".

None of them knew what to expect this year or what was waiting for them, but as the hat opened its slit to sing optimism crept into their dreams for this year had to be better than the last.
--This sentence would flow better with some different comma placement. Something like this would work well: "None of them knew what to expect this year or what was waiting for them but, as the hat opened its slit to sing, optimism crept into their dreams, for this year had to be better than the last. New beginnings always meant that it seemed."

Good job with this first chapter. I feel like I've got a bit of an idea what all the characters were like, and I'm really looking forward to seeing (a) how Lily is going to fit into all this, and (b) what happened to her friend?

Good work!


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Review #25, by Penelope InkwellBeautiful Mess: Beautiful Mess

17th September 2015:
Hello hello! I'm here checking out the Dobby nominations (Congratulations, by the way!), and this story is just precious! :D

First off, I think you really nailed Ginny. She comes from an enormous family, so stuff like messes wouldn't be likely to get her all in a fuss (although, to be fair, it would help if you could clean it all up with the wave of a wand). She'd be far more likely to stop, laugh at all the silliness, and appreciate the moment.

There were certain references that made looking for the kids seem almost a safari-like experience. Since I'm a nanny myself, I laughed at that. It was stuff like when you mention that they were "outnumbered", and the way she reconstructs Harry and the kids' activities through their footprints, searching every potential was really cute!

I loved how much Harry and the kids had gotten into--the flour, pillow forts, the-floor-is-lava! (I don't care what anyone says; it's the best game ever). No wonder they were tired. And then that scene of them all curled up, napping. Awww!

I like how you describe each of the kids individually, with James as the oldest, a bit more independent, but still down for some cuddling; Albus absolutely adoring his father; and Lily Luna as the baby of the family, complete with sleeping on Harry's chest, infant-style. The adorable ratings were off the charts!

"Hey," she said. "The house a wreck."
--I loved this line. I could just hear Ginny whispering it so good-humoredly. And then she just slips right in with the rest of them. Classic Ginny. You write her well.


So, as a rule, I always give a bit of CC, because I find it super helpful as a writer. However, it's my observations and opinions; sometimes choices are stylistic and not meant to be 100% grammatically accurate, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes you might just like it the way it is, and that's okay! I'm just pointing out some things I noticed, and you can do whatever you want with them.You're the author--you do your thing. :)

"Probably James and Albus rough housing" she thought.
--it's a little confusing to put thoughts in quotations marks, because at first it makes you think they're being spoken. It might be better to use italics there? Unless you're saying that Ginny is thinking aloud, in which case, it would be good to clarify that.

Upon further inspection as she walked fully into the kitchen she noticed the paper bag that displayed "flour" hanging out of the garbage bin.
--This sentence seems like it has two conflicting beginnings. It might be good to separate them. Like, "She walked fully into the kitchen and, upon further investigation, she noticed the paper bag labeled "flour" hanging out of the garbage bin." I'd also suggest changing "displayed" to "labeled" as I think it might suit the sentence a bit better.

Stepping around the mess she finally made it to the hallway.
--I believe there should be a comma after mess.

She peaked her head in there
--"peaked" should be spelled "peeked".

His hair was jet black with large flecks of white, she assumed was from the flour.
--This will read more naturally if you delete the comma. Also, since you're referring to flecks of white--plural--it should be "were" instead of "was". i.e. "His hair was jet black with large flecks of white she assumed were from the flour." (adding a "which" or a "that" before "she assumed" might sound good, too, but it would also be fine without them, I think).

Harry's right arm was under his head but that didn't stop their youngest son, Albus, to lay with his back against Harry's side.
--I think that instead of "to lay" it should be "from lying."

This is SUCH an adorable fic. I've heard such lovely things about it, and I've been saving it up special to get me through the (very well written, but still often a bit dark) angst-based nominations. And it did not disappoint! My warm fuzzies are all replenished, and now I feel I can sleep peacefully, with dreams of Harry/Ginny adorableness! I really enjoyed reading this. There's such a big smile on my face, even after all the time I've been typing up this review. The smile is stuck (and I'm a Slytherin!). That's the level of sweetness that we're working with, here.

Congratulation again on your Dobby nomination! And thank you for sharing this adorable story with us!


Author's Response: Penny,

Wow. Many hugs to you for this long thought out review. Reviews like this always make me smile and push me to write more!

Your comments about me writing Ginny had me in tears. I couldn't believe i received such a high compliment. Thank you.
She really would be so laid back I believe. She is kind and caring and silly. I believe she is a great mother and Harry is the best kind of father. They are adorable to me and I think they deserve every happiness in the world!

Thank you so much for the cc. It sometimes hurts to see so much that someone picks out of your story but at the same time I am so thankful for your time and desire to help make me better. It is so kind of you and thoughtful and I just want to hug you! I will get to that right away :)

I'm so glad your warm fuzzies are replenished. I love warm fuzzies so I will gladly share them!

And being a Slytherin doesn't mean you can't smile ;). Your review makes me smile. Thank you thank you thank you!


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