Hello, you! I was excited to see another request from you in my thread :3
So, I really like this idea of Snape knowing the 'real Lily,' and I like it even more that you didn't say it in such a cliched way. The bit about her not being a mother's type, and how she's been canonized as this saint for feminine love and maternity is brilliant. I've never thought about it that way, but you're right. The image of her hair stuck in the bark of the tree was really powerful; one of those seemingly insignificant moments that you still somehow never forget.
I liked your opening, especially about knowledge being power and energy, and I think you should expand and lengthen the idea of knowledge being like a burning house. That is really powerful imagery. My only critique is that it was a little too vague, and almost conflicting. You say knowledge is power, but that knowledge is a burden. And I can totally see the link between these two, in terms of Snape especially, but I think you should elaborate a bit more. The beginning of a story is the most important because it either captures a reader's attention or it doesn't, and I think you have some serious potential here. Just flesh out the introduction; it's written poetically enough that you could even drop in some names and it wouldn't lose any less of its beauty.
I always found it difficult, even in the scenes given to us with canon, to imagine Snape and Lily being friends. But your characterization of her shows just how they could be close; her desire for revenge and her clenching her hands into angry claws; the way she's changed in five years. And the line "regurgitated as a symbol" is so powerful. She really is the Christ figure in the HP series.
Again, your ending is a bit vague. Beautiful, but conflicting. An example is the first paragraph: "Once we cease to be, we are at our most vulnerable and we can only hope that, should there be anything left of the days we spent on this Earth, that it reflect who we were." I'm assuming you mean "Once we're dead, we hope people remember us accurately." But it's written in such a way that differs with the rest of this story (and frankly I think the bulk of this story is the strongest) that it's difficult to understand. It's quite a jump from tone to tone, and the "we" pronoun sounds so much more philosophical than the rest of this story. It's like this tone isn't as easy to relate to, in a way. Like I say, the language is beautiful, but it's so esoteric compared to the rest of it, and (in my opinion) not as strong.
I like how the ending turned out to be Lily. Again, though, it's so beautifully written that it would be fine for you to have some "dumb lines," as my creative writing professor would say. You're a great writer, and there's enough mystery and poetry here, that even if you stated plainly that it was Lily speaking, the story wouldn't suffer.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. This is a great one-shot, and I just wanted to give an honest opinion. Really well done. :3Author's Response: Hey!
No, really, you don't need to fear coming accross as harsh. After all, you know my review style and I sometimes forget to hold back :s Besides, I find that well thought-out critique is more difficult to give than praise. And it should be, or else "literature critic" would not be a paying job, now would it? :P
I really needed someone to cast a critical eye on this story and you have done just that!
"esoteric"! Oh dear! I try to generally stray away from anything carrying that title...Thanks for pointing it out!
The beginning and end are indeed quite different from the bulk (which I also like way more). They were intended as sort of a fuzzy buffer that gets the reader into the story and then zooms them back out again. Hence the vague style. I do see what you mean with conflicting statements. Also, that sentence you quoted towards the end is a mouthful! I'll try to wrestle it into shape at my next edit. *blush*
Your creative writing professor gives good advice! "Dumb sentences" is a great term and a few of those could certainly give some flesh to the dreamy bits of the story. I'll have a look at which details could use a more simple presentation. And I will try to expland the ideas in the beginning. I sure don't want my story to sound like the intro to a "Revenge" episode, those are terrible!
I'm glad you agree with my opinions of Lily in the books. Not only is she a Christ figure, she is also a classical example of the Women in Refrigerators trope, where female characters get killed off only to inspire a character arch for a male protagonist. In the books, she functions as frige stuffing for two male characters at least. Things like that annoy me *angry feminist scowl*
Thank you for a helpful review! Feel free to visit my request thread if you would like me to return the favour :)
Hello! You've been so nice to review my story and I wanted to return the favor. I was drawn to this story because 1: your banner is awesome, and 2: YAY, Neville!
I think you've really captured his character, just within the first paragraph. We see the admiration Neville's had for Harry since First Year, and then the certainty and resolution he developed as he grew older. Then there's that little hint of uncertainty where he's trying to talk himself into it: "Yes, that had to be it." I have to say, I'm really impressed!
What a heartbreaking scene, with Neville talking to his grandmother, and her trying to reason with him. He's becoming full of rage and, like you said, bloodlust. She's trying to bring him back down, but it seems she can't. It must be so hard for her to see how much he's changed (because the Death Eaters made him change.)
I liked how everything comes full circle when Neville pulls the sword out. The story began with him worrying about Harry; the story ends with him pulling the sword out just like in the stories about Harry. And your ending line was very haunting.
Well done!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Your stories are great by the way, and the newest updates are very intriguing! I have to give lots of props to the artists at TDA because I have no idea how they do it. And yeah, Neville is a beast.
I'm glad you think I got Neville right. I have never written from him being the main character/from his POV before so it's important that you think that it's accurate.
I think that Neville's grandmother was shown how bad it was at Hogwarts it really is. I would guess they used Crucio, and since that has been known to drive people mad, it must effect you somehow.
This is my first one-shot that I have completed and since they are meant to stand alone it's a little hard how to end. I was aiming for it to be like the beginning so I'm glad that I achieved that. Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
The description of the locker room was particularly funny--especially the bit about the walls always being wet! Why is it that so many public spaces like that are ALWAYS full of condensation?! haha.
I just love your Oliver Wood. He's trying to be optimistic but knows that he's got a load of goofballs for his team members.
Pippa is my favourite, I think ;D The bit with her mouth guard (where she found it and why she needs it) was hilarious. Actually, I've been laughing at little bits throughout the entire chapter, like Oliver wrestling a pair of binoculars from a stranger's hands, and Thugs United. The scene change when Pippa said "It's still not as bad as that time with the Wanderers" really got me too!
Wait, is that Seamus? IS THAT SEAMUS. I think I'm going to have a heart-attack if it is; you know how much I love him (like a bro.)
Hahaha, "It was Firewhiskey! ...Mostly." Oh my gosh. This is too funny. I absolutely love the Finnegan family here, the mother especially.
And the ending. The ending! So funny! This is going on my favorites right now, I absolutely love this story.Author's Response: Hi there! :D
I know right? Its like the people who design public venues don't get the concept of ventilation! So I added that in for good measure!
I think Pippa is secretly my favourite as well! I haven't quite figured her out yet, but I like her so far! Optimistic with anger management issues!
That is Seamus. I COULDN'T RESIST! You know how much I love him!
Ah Pippa, when will you ever learn! This scene is actually leading into one that reveals more about Olivers personal life, and why he even took the job in the first place!
Thank you so much for all the support! I was afraid I wouldn't do a Quidditch fic justice (as I am just about the unsportiest person you will ever meet!)
Thank you again for reading and reviewing! This has made my day! :D Report Review
I am back!!
Hehe, I giggled at "extremely regulated and secretive family meeting." One of my favorite things to read about Next-Gen stories is all of the goings-on of the Potter-Weasley clan! The family gathering and the detailed list of Charlie's girlfriends were particularly funny! Don't remember if I've mentioned this in a previous review, but I love that the Seasons sisters have their own little clan that's becoming entwined with those of canon. I can just imagine them all running around Hogwarts, practically taking over the castle. xD
The dueling scene was great! Really well-written; I could see everything perfectly. It's so nice that this generation of students is able to to actually practice DADA in class, instead of the poor Trio. I really liked the bit where the professor told Summer and Autumn to try different partners sometime because they may not always be there for one another. It showed their dependency on one another (although they are clearly very independent people, choosing never to marry) and, I think, a bit of foreshadowing?
I thought it was strange that Peeves gave her a straight answer, though. Isn't that who he is as a character: as annoying as he could possibly be? He does care for Fern, which I thought was cute, but I think he's enough of a complete prat to be a pest to everyone else, including her sister. What if he was being himself until she asks about Fern, and then he starts being kinder? That would really show how he feels about their unique friendship. I did like the bit with Miss Norris though.
Bahahaha, Lorcan is defensive over female goblins' rights. Would I be a complete arrogant twit if I thought my Edie had something to do with that? ;D The two should meet!
The snowball fight was cute. Do I sense something going on between Louis and Autumn? Mebbe? And I want to know what's happening with Fern!
Can I just say, again, how much I love the comraderie between friends here? They all mesh together so well, and their friendship seems so genuine. It doesn't seem at all like characters tossed together solely for the purpose of having supporting roles, or "the best friend" stock character. The scene where they're eating banana bread in their onesie pyjamas was so cute.
Louis is totally not just looking for a random date. They're so cute! I know I keep saying this in your reviews, but I can't wait for some CIs so I can see what he looks like xD (What? I am entirely too visual of a person.) I can see Blake Lively doing all of this stuff clearly, and I know a lot of people don't think it's the most important aspect of a story, but I think you've chosen the perfect person to play these characters, with their personality and all.
Can't wait for your next update!Author's Response: YOU ARE THE BEST.
I love the Weasley/Potters too, but heck, writing them all together is insanely complicated! We get to see a secretive and regulated meeting in the future, I hope you'll like it!
That DADA lesson was so much fun to write. I don't actually understand why people leave description of classes aside, it's much more interesting than describing parties or balls or whatever plot device throws characters together.
And yes, perhaps that was a bit of foreshadowing, but I won't say anything else!
The thing with Peeves, yes. I was planning to include some more explanation that I forgot about, but it'll come up in chapter four. Basically, I figured that Peeves would, at Fern's demand, leave her sisters alone as well, unless they're part of a group that Peeves wants to prank. I don't know if that makes much sense...
Nah, you wouldn't be an arrogant twit. Lorcan is very much inspired from Edie, at least at the level of defending female goblins' rights! They should definitely meet though, it would be an interesting encounter :)
Louis and Autumn? NOOO, OF COURSE NOT. Why on Earth would you suppose something so ludicruous? (Mebbe indeed).
I love the girls as a group. And I can tell you for sure that there will be many more moments with all of them!
Maybe, maybe not! I'm slowly getting CIs, and there are some already for chapters 1 and 2. I imagine Louis as Hunter Parrish though, if you're interested.
Thank you so much for your review!
Okay, you had me at Percy Weasley/Stripper. I can't wait to read, so here we go!
I'm really intrigued by the idea of Percy going to a strip club; a Muggle strip club no less. It's interesting that he's sitting in the front, but the fact that he looks so dead to the world says a lot about his decision to be there. This is really witty and a bit sad, too--I loved the line about the heater smearing her makeup, but the men not noticing her face anyway.
One thing that I do notice is a lot of run-on sentences. You could break them up into multiple sentences, or even add in some punctuation to make it easier to read. For example, this: "It had been odd but she’d thought he was a bit cuter before she’d flicked her gaze over his face, noticing the glasses on the bridge of his nose and she’d squinted a bit as he’d briefly looked around to catch their color" could be shortened to something like this: "It was odd, but she’d thought he was a bit cuter before she’d flicked her gaze over his face. Then she noticed the glasses on the bridge of his nose, and as he looked around she’d squinted a bit to catch their color." Of course, you're obviously a talented writer and don't have to use that sentence xD It's just an example.
Oh my gosh, how funny that Lee and George took him out!! It all makes so much sense now--why he's even there in the first place. I like that she singles him out because he's the only one who seems to not be eating her alive with his eyes. Interesting, too, that you mention her relationship with her father. It's so realistic and completely explains why she would choose a job that seeks attention from men (of course that's not her only reason; you said she wanted to be an artist, but you know what I mean).
I laughed at Audrey telling Percy that she wasn't going to take his virginity--and when George said that he could look, because she had clothes on xD Poor guy! Everyone teases him, eh?
WHOAAA. what? Percy, Jesus Christ. Why are you sexually harassing this girl? Touching her without asking? I feel like he went way to far there. Like, way too far. I feel like he was really mean to her too... I know she's a little insecure about herself, but I think he was verging on emotionally abusive with talking about her body and such. Really intense.
I do like that she took him to a seedy burger restaurant though. It was interesting to see Percy suck in another world like that. He seemed really uncomfortable! And I wonder why all the darkness and secrecy? Is she going to see him again?
All in all, nice job :3Author's Response: HellO!
Thank you for your review, I didn't expect you to be able to get to it soon. But thanks for choosing this story, I didn't think that alot of people would really go for this idea. And yet, I'm shocked whenever I get a review and you've made me so very pleased! :3
Have some candy.
Ooh, I see that that sentence needs to go away! Argh. I had edited this chapter on my computer but haven't uploaded it because I've been so busy but I see what you mean with it. :p
I've got tons of run ons and such and that's a problem I try to fix more now.
Yeah, Lee and George taking him there makes you want to burst out laughing. They're vey annoying so of course Percy wouldn't want to be there in first place! He was sort of bullied into it, to be honest. Hahahahhaa.
You know, I don't think that just because people don't talk about it that alot of girls don't have these sort of issues. With her singling out Percy, who didn't look at her like a piece of meat to her job, Audrey's a pretty interesting character I think. Some people don't like that idea but I've gone with it and have just let her tell me what she wants. :p
She's mean to me. Hahahha.
YES. Everyone teases Percy! Audrey actually doesn't STOP making fun of him and well, George. He's GEORGE. He's annoying anyway so picking on Percy is just normal. HAHAHA.
AH! This is the fourth or so comment about Percy's attitude regarding Audrey. I might have to go back and change that because I don't want him coming off like such a jerk. :p
In later chapters, I've changed his attitude quite a bit but this first chapter needs some work on my end. :p
Him feeling her up and such was rather rude and he had this nasty attitude. HAHAHA.
Perhaps you should read "That Night" to understand why, its a one-shot of mine that I've got up. It might not make you like him very much but...I'm not going to justify it. Hahah. Erm, I'm awful.
I like putting Percy in places that he isn't comfortable! Its fun and he can't do anything about it. Oh, and he's so much different from canon, which explains all the secrecy and darkness. ;)
She sees him again by accident! :D
Anyhoo, thanks for your review, it means quite a bunch. :D
Gabbie Report Review
Val, you are on FIYAAAHHH with your updating right now. I'm so excited to see another story on your author page!
Uh. What is going on. How are you getting even more amazing at writing? I was really impressed by your historical writing in Frozen Waters, but this goes so much more into minute detail--minute original detail about magic's role during WWII. I am so impressed! This is incredible!
At first I was worried about there being six characters introduced at once, but you seem to know them all, inside and out. I love the companionship between Johanna and Camille; Simon's devotion to his sisters; the way his mother would call for dinner across the courtyard.
This is so great. Really! I can't wait for some story graphics so I can see what everyone looks like! Of course you did a great job with the physical descriptions, particularly Xavier's and Astrid's. I just get really excited about CIs and such xD
Nice work, again!Author's Response: That sums it up pretty well, yes.
I knew you'd worry about large casts, so the fact that you think it makes sense is the best thing you could tell me. I'll be going into more precise insights of characters though...
You have no idea how excited I am about story graphics too! They're slowly being made, and I'm really excited to get your opinion on them.
Thank you, again, for such an amazing review!
I'm so glad Oliver has finally decided to fix things with Grace! I want a CI with all three of them, being adorable and happy. Their flat sounds really cute. And I loved that he said "squashed strawberries" was his favorite color, and the line "parents with benefits."
It's really realistic that Oliver and Grace still only talk to one another from a distance. It's totally believable that they didn't jump right into a very close relationship.
I'm excited to see their interactions at Hogwarts! More more more!Author's Response: I really want a CI too, but I have no idea who I'll use for Grace... I'll give it some more thought though, but fire away if you have suggestions!
More more more is coming soon, I swear. Thank you for the review :) Report Review
Wow, so good. This story definitely took a turn, but I liked the ending. Especially that you brought back the thestrals, and how they remained a point of this story all along. You're a very talented writer, and I'm so glad to have been able to follow along with Four-eyes Flora and her friends. Really wonderful work.
Eagerly awaiting Counting Daisy Roots!Author's Response: 'This story definitely took a turn' is a bit of an understatement...
Ah, glad you noticed that! Even when this story was still following the original plan (and it was your average love triangle fare) the thestrals were always meant to crop up at the end in some shape or form. Kind of a callback to the start of some form!
Thanks for reviewing ♥ Report Review
GAAAHH first review spot! You have written an Oliver Wood story?! I'm so excited!
I absolutely love the premise of this story. Incredibly straight-laced and serious Oliver Wood having to turn around a team full of goofs? I love it. So does this take place after he played for their reserve team? Or before? Or is it just AU? I'd be interested to know!
I really like that you've got so many diverse characters. The young Seeker was by far my favorite; she seems really feisty, but still absent-minded enough to become distracted by staring at the sky. So great!
I have a feeling that this is going to be a really funny story. I'm so glad to see another WIP from you. Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Yes! I have decided to bite the bullet in every sense and jump on the Oliver Wood bandwagon :P And I couldn't be more excited :D
This takes place when Oliver is much older, I haven't worked out the exact date, but he is in his forties anyway :) So he has well retired from the world of Quidditch :P
My aim was to get a range of different characters and kind of smush them together! I have a soft spot for Pippa as well :P And you will actually get to see just how fiesty she can be in the next chapter, lets just say that her size has nothing to do with her power :P
I know, I know, another WIP! I have a disease! I-can't-commit-to-stories-so-I-just-keep-starting-new-ones-itis :P
Hopefully I should finish Chapterino 2 in the next two days! :)
Thank you so much for reading this :D Report Review
Wow! This is incredible! Like seriously, some of the best writing I've seen from you--I am so blown away by your descriptions of characters and places. And the voice of your main character is so well-written and thorough! The fact that she's no longer like Mathilda is stated plainly in the beginning, and then so beautifully by the line, "I was never one for poetry." Wow!
There are some really disturbingly beautiful images here, like "fragile stomach" "my fickle heart" and "bile black as ink." So I guess Mathilda is much younger than Elizabeth, as she has to ask permission to walk around the ship. I like the age difference here; I think it shows a lot about how Elizabeth had to grow up quickly.
I like that Elizabeth smokes, and isn't proper; and even more that she only began smoking to infuriate her step-mother. She's responsible and level-headed, but certainly isn't going to be walked all over by a woman like that. I really admire her!
WHOA she punched him in the face. Hahaha. That was really great to read; she really wants to prove a point, eh? I like that he came back to return her handkerchief. It was a totally different feel from if she'd dropped a piece of jewelry or something trite like that. ;3 One thing I did notice is that you said "I am having breakfast with Mathilda the next morning when he walks up to your table," which I think is supposed to be "walks up to my table."
Which reminds me, I love the tense you're using here. It's so fun to read. :D
Something I'd also like to know is what class they're in. I'm assuming that Mathilda/Elizabeth are in upper class because of having a porter, a private bathroom, and being chastised for not behaving as "proper ladies," but are they part of the London elite? Their stepmother only gave them enough money for the trip, so is she broke or just a hag? Also, what kind of class does Jeremy belong to? It was a really big issue back then, and especially since they're all confined in one space, class distinctions were really important to keep them separated. It'd be really interesting to know! :D
Again, really great glimpse into Elizabeth's character just by describing her coffee. Black, no sugar, no milk: just the bare essentials. Wow! Val, this is really amazing writing. You've always been talented, but I'm so blown away by this--it seems you've really found your voice with this character. I'm so humbled that it's a present for me! Really amazing work!Author's Response: YOU ARE THE MOST FABULOUS PERSON EVER, YOU KNOW THAT? HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS? HOW?!
Mathilda is, as a matter of fact, much younger than Elizabeth -- eight years (which for some reason seems to be a recurring age difference in my stories, but I digress), which makes Mathilda thirteen.
Comments on my imagery, gah. I'm just incapable of expressing how flattered I am that you like my imagery, because it's not something I'm normally good at. So thank you.
The smoking habit is entirely inspired from Helene. When I read your description of her smoking, my first thought was "Woah. This girl irradiates power." So, Elizabeth is to you what Helene is to me (or so I hope) -- I think we can call it even!
Punching in the face has to be my favourite part of writing female characters, I think (this must be my feminist side kicking in) ;)She /definitely/ had a point to prove! As for the handkerchief versus jewelry, it would have seemed so out of character, in my head, for Elizabeth to even wear jewelry. She's too down-to-earth for that.
That typo, urgh. This was originally written in second person, except that's not allowed for OCs, so I got this proofread and changed, but obviously, I missed that particular mistake. I'll edit asap, thanks for pointing it out!
As for class, well, I /thought/ second class could have adjoining bathrooms, but Wikipedia just proved me wrong :) They'd be second class on the boat, although their step-mother is still the second of the two options! Jeremy is also second class -- this is not a star-crossed lovers type of story, or at least I'm hoping that it won't turn into one.
I'm done rambling here. Thank you for this awesome review, and I'm so happy you like the present! &hearts
Awww, I loved the ending! So are we going to get to see them back at Hogwarts, then? It's really cool how the story went from them meeting outside of Hogwarts to them going back together, but as professors. I would have liked some more descriptions in this chapter though--where were they when Oliver made the announcement? How has Cat changed (or not?) since they'd seen each other? What does Tim even look like?
Also I can't believe Wood. What a complete jerk, completely refusing to have anything to do with Kiwi and Grace and then going back to flirting with her first chance he gets. Urgh.
The scene where Grace sees her mother excited, and then starts screaming along with her, was really cute. Especially the line "like mother, like daughter, I suppose."
I'm so excited you updated!Author's Response: We do see them back at Hogwarts, indeed!
Ack, those questions actually make me facepalm because I know the answer to them without having to think about it. It's all in my head, but of course you're not in there (thankfully for you, you'd probably drown amidst the amount of phsics/chemistry/maths/biology/random thoughts).
Hehe, I like jerk!Oliver. He's fun to write -- you should know that, right? ;)
I love Grace. Enough said.
Thank you so, so much again for your constant reviewing! Report Review
Hello! I am here with your review, after all of that confusion. I don't usually read Founders fics, so I'm excited about this one--especially the 'ship! Hufflepuff is so overlooked and neglected, even a bit in canon, and then in fanon it's just become kind of a joke to be a Hufflepuff. But we need to stay strong! :D
Anyway, here is the review proper. Like I said, I haven't read more than one-shots with Founders era, so my canon is a little rusty.
Your introduction is beautiful. I feel like you have engrossed yourself, and therefore the reader, in the time period you're describing. The fact that the Hufflepuff clan were travelers is brilliant. Did you make her aunt a kitchen maid on purpose? It makes me thing of the Hufflepuff common room being near the kitchens at Hogwarts; really ties it all in together.
I love the line "simple and full of light," but am distracted that she goes from saying this to saying her childhood was marred because she carried a secret. I guess it's just the phrasing used, because it's entirely possible to have a simple childhood with the downside of having to keep your magic a secret. But it seems to go from saying that everything was pretty much perfect and her not having any secrets to hide, which is wonderful, to having a secret. A very minor detail, but it does seem to conflict a bit :)
The relationship between Godric and Helga is really endearing. I wish his wife, Elaine, had a fun and esoteric name! xD But it's nice that she accepts him for who he is, and very rare in those times.
Interesting change to go from Helga and Godric having to hide who they are from their families, to having to hide their families from Salazar. And it's brilliant that her role as a traveler comes back into play when she is able to point them to an abandoned castle to use as Hogwarts!
I'm interested how they contacted their first round of students. If it was so difficult to come out as having magical powers back then, how did they find them? How did these very first people to ever hear of a magical school react?
Also, I would love to see some dialogue here. Your storytelling abilities are wonderful, and for the amount of back story here, you really do retain the reader's attention. But it would be nice to be shown, and not told, certain aspects of the story in real-time.
The line "in hindsight, I suppose that was my first mistake" is brilliant. Are we going to have an explanation as to why exactly Salazar is so prejudiced? Especially since the general worldview back then was that he was the one "in the wrong" for being a Wizard, rather than exhibiting a trait of magical nobility?
The exchange in the kitchen was easily my favorite part of this chapter. Helga isn't like your typical female character, playing tricks on boys out of spite--she only did it because she was challenged, and up until then kept her mouth shut about her abilities. She and Salazar are really compatible. They're equally ambitious and passionate, the only difference I see being that she's much more private about her opinions.
I think this is a really great start--I'm glad I got to read it!Author's Response: Hey! I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to respond, but I so appreciate you swapping with me! This review is wonderful, and you've given me some awesome feedback.
I love getting review from people who don't read many Founders fics. As a Founders enthusiast, I'm always hoping for more readers to enjoy this awesome genre with me :) And I wanted to write about Helga not only because she's the founder of our awesome house, but because of exactly what you said: Puffs are overlooked so much, and I wanted to give Helga a chance to stand out.
Yep, I made her aunt a kitchen maid to give Helga a foundation for her expertise with food. It seemed like a good way to work that in :) And I'm glad to hear that the writing feels true to the time period, because that's been really important to me while writing this story.
I reread the chapter just now, and I see what you mean about that conflict being a little wierd. That's something I'll definitely work on when I edit. And you know, I never really fleshed out their methods of contacting students. But now that you ask, that could be something worth figuring out :)
I've actually been playing around with some dialogue to add here. I'm so glad you enjoyed reading about the backstory, but I definitely agree with you: there needs to be something to break up the monotony of that first section. Maybe sometime I'll actually get around to editing :)
Salazar's motives for his prejudice will be explained later, yes. He's a very proud person, and that plays into it. But I hope to give a more complex portrayal of him than the generally terrible person we tend to think of him as. And that kitchen scene! That was such fun to write :) I loved giving Helga a chance to stand up to Salazar and give us Puffs a good name, haha. She and Salazar have different world views, but they're more compatible than they seem at first glance, like you said.
Thanks so much for your feedback! This review was so awesome (and by the way, so is KC&CO. I think I'm already hooked!) I'm so glad we swapped!
Hello! Back again!
I am starting with a critique, only because it is the first sentence of the chapter. And I'm only being picky because it's so important to capture the reader's attention within the first sentence. Albus Dumbledore stood by the lake, awaiting the arrival of Hogwarts' new first-year intake, who he could see rowing across the lake. The repetition of the word "lake" paired with the rhyming and the length makes this sentence a little sing-songy. What if you said something like Albus Dumbledore stood by the lake, awaiting the arrival of the new first-years. He could see them now rowing across the waters? Just a suggestion of course, however it seems fit to you is what's best! I just chose to mention this because in my last review I said that you speak in run-on sentences but in ways so that it reads like historical literature... this sentence was a bit different though :3
In fact, as I read through, there are several places where you could take out some words to shorten your sentences. An author I really admire on HPFF told me that brevity is important when she pointed out that I sometimes do the same thing. It makes sentences more meaningful and to-the-point, if that makes sense. It also gives readers a chance to develop their own opinions or thoughts, rather than being explicitly told something. An example would be He was almost positive that the dark-haired, dark-eyed girl was Walburga Black, a twelve-year-old girl who had suffered from a terrible bout of dragonpox the previous year causing her attendance at Hogwarts to be delayed by a year. This could be shortened to something like, He was almost positive that the dark-haired, dark-eyed girl was Walburga Black. She had suffered from a terrible bout of dragonpox the previous year, which caused her attendance at Hogwarts to be delayed. If she's 12 and in the first-year boats, we can already assume the information that has just been taken out :3
The conversation between Fee and the Sorting Hat was a clever way of learning her past history. It was a bit strange for the Hat to be mentioning its opinions about her past, but perhaps he was provoking her to see what her reactions would be, and determine her character that way? Nice touch that she didn't want to go to Hogwarts--most young OCs are portrayed as wanting to go so badly. I also love that she wants to be the Minister of Magic. Very Slytheirn-ambitious indeed!
I like how you start us off on the day of a wedding and then flash back to their first day of Hogwarts. Two monumental days in their lives, and we can see how some of them have changed and how they're still the same, too.
This could also be shortened:
Fee flinched when the Hat shouted, having failed to realize its voice would sound louder when it was on her head instead of three metres away on somebody else's head. The reader can put information together, and really only needs to be given something like Fee flinched when the Hat shouted, its voice much louder from atop her own head.
Tom Riddle smiling in a friendly way? It's so hard to imagine! I know he's still a little boy here, but--although it was just in the movie, I'm sure JKR had some input--the scene where Dumbledore goes to visit him at the Orphanage is chilling. He's a quiet, malicious, unhappy and arrogant little boy. I wonder if we get to see more of this in later chapters? Right now he just seems like any other kid at Hogwarts--or maybe that's the point? I'm quite interested indeed!
Since I can't not talk about OCs in reviews, I have to mention Fee. I like her, I really do. But she's got some points racking up against her in terms of Mary Sue-dom. She's American, an orphan, opinionated, beautiful (at least if she looks anything like the gorgeous Keira Knighley :D), extremely logical for an eleven year-old, feisty, more ambitious than Salazar Slytherin, a heartbreaker, and possibly has the most evil Wizard of the twentieth century fall in love with her. Again, I think she's a complicated character with a lot of emotional depth, but these little artificial things that are pitted up against her may distort some readers' views of her. Maybe the OC workshop on the thread could help you sort things out. I really really hope this doesn't sound harsh, because with all of the research you've done with this story there is no way you didn't take time with creating her. I just want to help her be as realistic as possible--and of course, I am just one reader. Just one opinion. :3
Ooooh, so the letters are from her mother? Or maybe just this one. I like that you're ending each chapter with one of those, too. Nice!
I hope this review doesn't sound too harsh, with pointing out sentence structure and characterization and the like. It's just that this story has a lot of potential, and so I feel like I should critique accordingly because this could really be something great! :DAuthor's Response: Hello again! :)
Thank you for pointing out those overlong sentences; I've gone back and corrected them, and while they weren't changed word for word to the examples you gave, I've edited them to make a little more sense. I'll certainly keep an eye out for those kinds of sentences. :)
You are indeed correct - Fee was a Hatstall so the Hat wanted to converse with her to judge her character so he could put her into the House that fitted her personality more. And thank you - I didn't want to put it into the narrative of the story, and she obviously already told Walburga, Alphard and Tom about it on the Hogwarts Express, so the Sorting Hat seemed like a natural choice for me.
Thank you so much! Especially Fee - at eleven years old, she didn't want to be a "posh toff", and now at eighteen she's in the very heart of the upper class wizarding society, and personally I love that contrast. But I digress.
Yes - Tom is indeed smiling in a friendly way! As we see in the books, Tom admits to always being able to charm the people he needed, and this is the beginning of that. Plus, he's happy at being able to leave the orphanage, so that would contribute towards it.
Some of the aspects of Fee's history that we see now are misconceptions made by the characters, and they'll be basically shredded in the course of the story. Also, I think I may need to edit the Sorting Hat's comment - he -thinks- he hasn't seen a more ambitious child at eleven -since- Slytherin, not more than him. Additionally, there are countless children who are ambitious, but those ambitions aren't evident at the age of eleven when the Hat Sorts them. I hope that made sense? :3 (Tom doesn't fall in -love- with her; as I mentioned in the last review, this story will adhere to canon.) Speaking of Keira, Fee isn't quite as beautiful as her, but she was the only actress I could think of who looked similar enough and had plenty of pictures. ^.^ I've used the OC Workshop thread for other OCs, but not with Fee simply because that would mean revealing her family history, which is a part of the plot - and yes, I did spend a lot of time creating her family and working out a way to incorporate her discovery of them into the story. I certainly understand what you mean though, and I'll keep an eye on that.
No, the letters aren't from her mother. Thanks - it's good to hear you like the letters!
Your review wasn't too harsh; it's completely understandable and I thank you for the critique - it was helpful and pointed out aspects of the story that I need to keep in mind while writing future chapters. Thank you! ♥ Report Review
Hello! I have recovered from the English Breakfast Soup dilemma and am here with your review. :3 I've wanted to read this story for a long time and am glad that I'm able to now!
Wow, what a refreshing narrative. I feel like you capture the essence of the time period and its high society so well. Although at first I thought some of the dialogue was verging on running on to long, it fits completely with the tone. I can recall reading similar dialogue in literature from Austen to Tolstoy and I have to say I am really impressed with how you've conducted this. I saw in a previous review response that Fee also went on like that because she was so adamant that she didn't feel like she could be interrupted. I can totally see that in reading it.
I am interested to see how Fiona develops. I'm unsure of her right now, and I mean that in a good way. She's very mysterious without being dramatically so... she just seems to be the perfect embodiment of high pureblood society.
I like her idea of what she wants in a man (during the time and social class I'm sure this was considered to be radical feminism) but at the same time, I wonder why she feels like she needs one so desperately in the first place? She just seems so intriguing right now. Two men are fighting over her, it seems, but Irma detests her. She is friendly to those she cares about, but still retains her hierarchical worldview when she admonishes a House Elf for daring to speak. The fact that her last name is Phoenix and that she is strikingly beautiful and was born on Halloween makes me wary--but then I don't feel like we're supposed to really like her. Does that make sense? I really mean all of this as a compliment; all in all, I think you're setting up the perfect candidate for Tom Riddle to fall in love. (That's who I assume the letter is from, btw!)
I really like Orion the best, I think. He's certainly caught in a tough place with knowing the secrets of Walburga's problems but not wanting Alphard to be upset. Speaking of Alphard, I am interested to hear more about him. He's so austere but is bold enough to make rude comments about Fee and her men (so I assume she's a bit of a heartbreaker, too?)
A wonderful job. You've captured the tense and altogether fragile feeling of how I imagine these "noblest houses" to be; the tensions between people that due to social restraints go unsaid, the secrets, the lies.
I love it! ♥Author's Response: Hello! Oh yes, the English Breakfast Soup. :3 Ooh, I'm glad you're finally here! XD
Thank you so much! I wanted to write a story that fitted in somewhat with the pure-blood hierarchy at its finest, and I'm honoured at the comparisons with Jane Austen! XD
I agree - and yes, it would probably be considered radical feminism. However, Fee wouldn't admit what she really wanted in a man to someone that wasn't her best friend, so the feminist side of her is somewhat concealed. As for why she feels she needs a man so much - the pure-blood world hasn't caught up to the concept of independent women waiting for the right man. Fee's position as an Auror (in chapters three onwards) is in a grey area, but for her to remain a part of the society she lives in, she'd have to marry well. As for the two men - yes, they are fighting over her, but for different reasons and that's all I'm saying for now. Yes, you absolutely make sense and I know what you mean. Thank you! - although, I am planning on keeping this story canon, and since it's canon that Tom can't fall in love, that isn't happening. There are other emotions similar to love though, so I wouldn't give up on the Tom/OC pairing just yet! ;) (And you've already read the next chapter so you'll know that it can't be him.)
Perhaps that's because we haven't seen much of Orion's personality yet. :P I think you got Orion and Alphard mixed up though - Alphard knows about Walburga's alcoholism whereas Orion doesn't. Yet. And I think I mentioned this in another review response - Fee didn't date any more than any other girl her age did, or indulge in excessive impropriety, but Alphard is exaggerating because in his biased opinion, it feels like more.
Thank you so much! That was what I set out to do, so it's fantastic to hear that I was successful! ♥ Report Review
I FELT ALL OF THE EMOTIONS
Oh my goodness, oh wow, oh gosh. I can't believe Scorpius is alive after all--I thought the Ministry studying the afterlife was going to come back into play, but I thought Flora was dead and they brought her back. Oh wow. Okay. I feel better--I can't believe nobody told her! And poor thing, those horrible scars. Oh gosh. You must update soon. You must. I wish I could leave two reviews: one for now, one for when I have calmed down. But I just can't. Please update soon!
PS: I think you should know that I almost used the word "mega" in conversation yesterday.Author's Response: that is one epic keyboard smash, my friend!
don't worry. I feel like I went through the five stages of grief writing this.
also, yes, hurrah! I am not totally evil. I let scorpius escape with...well, a sort-of life. not that I'll ever have time to write it, but the afterlife concept comes from my plans for 'in dreams', a drastoria I'm writing - fact: the scorpius in this story is the child of the draco and astoria in that one. if that accounts for all the angst...
well, you know what happens now :3
thanks for reviewing! (and for using the word mega. heeehh) ♥ Report Review
I really admire Flora for wishing she had never gone to the party at all, and truly resenting what she did with Scorpius. Most OCs would probably be thinking "omg wait does my friend like meh?" but she knew right away that she regretted it, and the fact that she had cheated on Albus was her biggest concern. The line about her not remembering what colour Scorpius's eyes were was really brilliant. :)Author's Response: Omg, you're so on it with every chapter - seriously, best reviewer ever: you're getting everything right. Scorpius is a bit of a meanie in this chapter. It felt about 50% wrong to even /consider/ shipping them together here. Flora puts too much blame on herself, though...
Thank you so much for your amazing reviews :D ♥ Report Review
How sweet of Albus to make sure that Flora gets her sugar quill fix. Ahhh, a wink. I am totally fangirling over this story, but so many feels. It's kind of like Pretty in Pink (which I at least find to be a compliment) with the Scorpius-Albus-Flora love triangle. So good!
It really made me sad that Albus said his friends abandon him often. But it said so much about him, I think: Flora may only have two friends, but they stick together, and have for years. Albus has a really wide circle of friends but they don't seem to be that close. It added a really nice touch of humanity to his character, even if I'm reading way too far into it!
I love when he asks her if she's afraid of ghosts. It's a really unique and somehow personal way of talking to one another--and her response about the fat friar was really funny.
My only critique is how much we see the word "awkward." I feel like it's become a buzzword in today's pop culture; socially awkward/tragically hip girl we see in characters portrayed by Zooey Deschanel, Kristen Wiig, Lena Dunham, etc. You've done a really great job introducing us to Flora, and I believe that you know her inside and out. So the word "awkward" is going into overuse and kind of detracts from her character, like she's really insisting how quirky she is. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh; I really like Flora. and she's a really believable OC. But I think you've characterized her so well that her 'awkwardness' speaks for itself and doesn't need to be mentioned so frequently :3
That being said.
The kiss in the snow! So perfect, so adorable, so believable, how she kept trying to say something; how it took two attempts before he could actually do it. I love that he blew on her face. It's a really sweet and unique gesture that perfectly encapsulates being nervous and not knowing what to do but it's so endearing. Oh my gosh. I am so happy now :DAuthor's Response: I've never seen Pretty in Pink - I'll have to give it a shot! (does it help that my favourite Fall Out Boy song is Pretty in Punk?)
Eee, I'm glad you noticed that! It was a bit deliberate. Flora makes a big deal out of being unpopular when she actually has two very meaningful friendships, Albus seems popular but he's actually a bit of a loner in a way. Five house points for you.
Thanks for pointing that out! I intended for this story to really play up the cliches so I think I kind of flung the word 'awkward' asunder without really thinking. I'll be sure to tone it down in the edit.
Heh. I used to know a boy whose one and only real trick was, er, breathing on your face to make you look at him. Real charmer, he was.
Thanks for reviewing! ♥ Report Review
I couldn't possibly stay away! So I'm back. :3
It's easy to see that you've really invested yourself in this magical world. The ease with which your characters talk about certain bands and their albums and concerts was impressive, but I was really blown away by Albus making the WS symbol at her from across the library. And you actually gave them a reason to click and start bonding, rather than randomly develop an attraction for one another when beforehand they knew nothing about one another. And when he said "mega" I was so happy!
I love "Life's a Witch" makeup. Like too much.
And extra-curriculars at Hogwarts are always overlooked in stories. Baking Club, Book Club, etc.--of course they had these! But we never get to read about them because the trio was busy with the Saving the World Club. I love the normalcy that we get to see in your story; it's something we didn't get much of with canon.
I get the sneaking suspicion that the entire reason Albus is hanging out with Flora is because of his I HAVE TO HELP EVERYONE complex. The way he invited her to Hogsmeade was so cute, but I think that she's reading into it. At this point in the story, at least, the relationship seems one-sided.
So I must continue on then, right?! :DAuthor's Response: Hello again!~
Ah, it was pretty easy! I just transplanted elements of my own life (my obsession with Pulp and Jarvis Cocker, etc etc) into this fic and gave things more, er, magic-sounding names.
I had to put in some extracurriculars - I'd be so unhappy if I was at Hogwarts and they didn't have an art club or anything! Also, heh, saving the world club, I like it.
Ah, you're touching on something there with Albus. He's not as shiny as he seems. Although there's still a good portion of the story to go so I'll keep my lips zipped for now.
Thanks for reviewing! ♥ Report Review
Hallooo! You know why I'm here. ;3
First of all, I am pulled in right away by the introduction. I was excited to see your non-humor stories; they are so so lovely and of I was very curious about your dark/angsty writing. It's still amazing, of course.
I think you've brought a very interesting (and probably very accurately canon) light to the Grey Lady. She's always seemed the most ethereal of all the Hogwarts ghosts; a wisp of a person, less like a human being than the rest, but had a serious dark side when confronted by Harry in DH. So I love that you've given her these qualities in life as well. I feel like the wispy qualities translated to Helena even more perfectly. I've never heard of a "founders next-gen" story before--this is a great idea!
How horrible that her mother makes her take Veritaserum. It's so terrible and almost grotesque that Slytherin confronted her as a child, telling her that he would woo her later in life--even if during this time period things like that weren't uncommon, it is really upsetting to read. And poor Helena, being too kind to tell him no. It's a really interesting character trait that Rowena values keeping promises so highly.
(Although I do love the inclusion of Astragale Trewlaney.)
I would like to see some more relationship buildup between Helena and Adeleine. Clearly the maid cares about her very much if she's willing to risk her job, and possibly her life. How long has she been at the Ravenclaws? Where is Helena's father? So many questions!
Taking the diadem was a really nice touch, but I'd like to know why she did it. Out of spite? To hold on to the memory of her mother? To sell it? All in all though, another brilliant work! :DAuthor's Response: Sarah, you are officially the most wonderful person ever.
How is it that you manage to weave imagery into a review? A REVIEW?! I'm going to steal the phrase 'a wisp of a person' and pretend it's mine, okay?
Rowena is a horrible human being in this story, I completely agree, but for some reason I don't imagine her as the warm, welcoming type -- that sticks more to my vision of Helga.
I'm writing a companion piece to this, that delves into the relationship between Adeline and Helena, that should hopefully answer your questions. As for why she stole the diadem, it would be out of spite -- she wants to take away what her mother cares for the most, and that's obviously not Helena herself...
Thank you again! Report Review
hello hello hello!! I've been meaning to check out this story for a while, so I'm glad you reminded me xD
Your introduction is very captivating. It's really sad and a bit macabre. Even moreso that these poor people--victims, prisoners?--are being held like this in a public street. They're suffering in front of everyone but nobody is welling to help.
Ahh! Minor Hufflepuff characters! I am already in love. They are often overlooked during the "darker times" in HPFF, I think, but of course they were affected just the same as everyone else was! You give us a really nice look into their characters even within just the first scene. This is done particularly through Ernie acting in his 'usual pompous manner' with tears in his eyes. Agh! So sad.
There are quite a few run-on sentences here that could be broken up. One that I noticed was when they're leaving the Leaky Cauldron and stepping into the streets of London. It's such a well-written passage but is eclipsed by its lengthiness. :3
You really captured the Holocaust-esque feeling of the great war, I think. Particularly with the court scene. How frustrating; clearly Umbridge knew he went to Hogwarts, but she was trying to up her numbers and purge the "half-breeds."
I liked Justin's inner thoughts, about wishing he had never gone to Hogwarts. Everyone who has ever read HP has wanted to go to Hogwarts (I still do!) so it's really poignant that things for him and others have gotten so bad that they would rather be Muggles. Could this possibly be inspired by Les Mis? I've never seen it, but I get the feeling they're similar (in a very good way)!
Wow, the scene with Susan's death and Justin's massacre were really chilling. Really well-done. The only suggestions I have are breaking up some sentences and paragraphs into shorter parts, and working on spacing between already existing paragraphs. Really nice work though--I'm glad I finally got to read this!Author's Response: Ah! Thank you for such a nice review :D
I know! Minor characters in general excite me, but when they are from my mothership *ahem* house, I just can't contain myself!
This really turned into the darkest of dark times! It has been bouncing around in my head for far too long! It first started out as the man that Ron hexed to save Hermione/Bellatrix but then I got the idea for this (mostly because I was rwading COS for the billionmth time) and tada!
I agree, the lengthliness is a problem, but I tried splitting it up, and it idn't look right! So for the moment, that remains, but I shall come back at a later date!
I really want to go to Hogwarts (hey! if I lather myself in anti-aging cream, I might just pull it off!) but when you think about it, magic is virtually impossible wiithout a wand, so Justin found himself in quite the predicament!
Thank you again for such a nice review :D Report Review
Me again! I really like your characterization of Scorpius. The only thing that I noticed in this chapter is that Flora acts totally cool and casual around Albus when he talks to her after Herbology. Much of her allure is that she's so awkward and that her brain keeps turning to different forms of stewed/mashed veggies when she's around him. xD I'm sure she's just trying to prove Fauna wrong, and say that she doesn't have feelings for Albus, but there was a stark difference in her character with really no time for her to evolve that much, realistically.
...And then there she is again when she drops all of her parchments and quills xD Handwriting like that of a geriatric donkey on acid! She is entirely too fun to read.
BAH SO CUTE. "I don't think you say silly things at all." And you really capture the feeling of being put on the spot by a boy you like, and wanting to both crawl under a rock and receive more attention. I love the description of it feeling like somebody held up two candles to her face.Author's Response: Eee. Thank you :3 I do like writing my woobie Scorpius.
I'm glad you're finding things to comment on like that! Like I've probably mentioned before, I'm about to edit this fic from start to finish, and I could do with any concrit anyone wants to offer me~
Thank you very much! ♥ Report Review
Here is my attempt to leave a more coherent review:
I love that you didn't make the kiss horribly romantic. It was exactly as it should have been; she was floundering and embarrassed and somewhat excited and then immediately after it was over, it was over. I think the word "linger" is one of my least favorite to read in fanfiction ever, especially during kissing scenes, and you didn't use it once! :D
The bit about her mixing up her plumber uncle with the subject of her paper is brilliant! I really love her, have I mentioned that? She is totally average--and I mean that in the best way. It kind of breaks my heart to read another "aw, man, Hufflepuffs are so average" story, but your OC totally makes up for it.
‘One of the Slytherins, like, hit me,’ I said, sounding as if I didn’t quite believe myself. ‘They hit a girl with glasses!’ Hahaha! So many parts of this story made me laugh, and this really stuck out to me. Your dialogue between characters is so completely natural. It's easy to read and totally realistic, especially for the age group you're writing.
I can tell that you and Flora share the same distaste for "such annoying teenage girls," hehe.
Reading on, of course!Author's Response: Who needs coherence? Your reviews are brilliant enough already!
Barrrgh, I'm not overly fond of writing any variety of physical romance - ergo an obvious lack of elaboration on kiss scenes, etc. And I also hate the word linger! Almost as much as 'deepened the kiss'. Also, why does every boy's mouth taste like cinnamon in fanfic? Just my two pence.
Ah, inspired by real life! Someone in my history class confused Mary Seacole with a Mary in the year below. Much hilarity ensued.
Having just left an all-girls' school that I went to for seven years...yes, I definitely do have a distaste for annoying teenage girls. In a big way. I take it out in fic ;D
thank you for another lovely review! ♥ Report Review
BAH! BEST SPONTANEOUS KISS TROPE SCENE EVER. My jaw is slack. Lit-rally.
Man, I am going to go ahead and apologize in advance for the nonsensical reviews I am about to leave on this story. I am already 100% fangirling for Flora. I mean come on, she's so mega. And I love your personification of Albus. He's so nice.
I can't wait to read on!Author's Response: I LOVE THAT TROPE. Not as much as I love the desperate 'we're gonna dieee!' kiss trope though.
Ah, I love your reviews!
♥ Report Review
Hello! I'm so happy to see an update!
That was a really clever transition between flashback and current day in the Ravenclaw common room. I think it's really hard to pull of flashbacks in stories in the first place but that was brilliantly done!
I really like your description of the Ravenclaw common room; I don't think I've ever seen so much detail about it, actually.
This story already has a lot of plot and sub-plot revealed; I really want to know what the device that Autumn found was... So was it in a collective cupboard where all the sixth-years keep their shoes? I'm confused. But your idea of Bill and Fleur being divorced is really sad and yet, I think, entirely possible.
I've actually never heard that song so I decided to listen to it as I read the rest of this chapter xD and I have to say that it suits the mood of the story quite well, in my opinion.
I think you've really captured the spirit of young people very well... I know that sounds weird, but I think you've got a well-rounded cast here, and that's very impressive feat considering how big it is! From the fact that they keep shoes under the sink at home, to the fact that money is tight but they still want to buy their mum a decent present, to differing opinions on professors, and how Summer's betting problem... I think I like this story even more than W&W (EVEN THOUGH YOU MUST UPDATE THAT ONE TOO!) But I wonder what's going on with Fern? She seems to be the black sheep of the family.
So many questions that need answering! But I'm so happy to see a new chapter from you! Can't wait for the next. :3
(lol@noodle necklace.)Author's Response: I'm so, so sorry for taking this long to respond...
Ah, the Ravenclaw common room. I have such a precise image of it in my head, and putting my thoughts onto paper is way too much fun.
That device (which you will find out more about fairly soon) was in a cupboard that the girls share. It doesn't make sense to me that students would keep their stuff stashed away in trunks, for some reason.
And yes, Bill and Fleur, I have no idea what pushed me to imagine them divorced.
Aaah, Fern is the big mystery, isn't she? Again, more to come soon!
Thank you for yet another of your awesome reviews :) Report Review
~*~HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!~*~ I hope it is fun and sparkly and full of good things like cake and coffee and fun times!
And here is your review. :3
I really like that all of the conversations between Rose and Lucy start the way they do; the way that Lucy always says "nothing" says a lot about her. We can see that she's socially awkward for one, and it juxtaposes their social lives well. It's like she's being asked "What did you do today?" and Lucy has to confront the fact that she's done nothing and has few friends, etc.
Small detail, but I thought it was very nice!
Is Michael Seamus's son, then? And I think it would be interesting to go into more detail about why it "just looked that way," whatever he did. I think you can go into it without having to get too dark, but that's a hugely significant part of somebody's character, and it would show more about Rose as a person if she was supposedly so smart but could overlook something like that.
She considered this for a moment and said, "A sexy shark." Haha! I laughed aloud at this.
There are quite a few punctuation errors in this story, particularly with dialogue. For example, you say "What you said, it's true." she told me when it should be "What you said, it's true," she told me with a comma. I think a Beta reader would help you out! They can always catch the things that we don't notice in our own edits! :3
I also think it would be really nice if after Rose gave her "I get you" speech, Lucy corrected her and finally broke down and got her catharsis moment in which she was able to explain to Lucy how she really is. Unless Rose was actually spot-on with her description... then I think it would help if you made it more obvious that Lucy realized how Rose had really understood her all along. I just think the climax of this story should be made a little plainer :3
All in all, cute. It's nice reading stories that aren't driven by romance--and it's always so fun to see the relationships between the many cousins and siblings of Next-Gen.
Happy writings and another happy birthday to you! Report Review
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