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Reading Reviews From Member: my_voice_rising
  
251 Reviews Found

Review #1, by my_voice_risingMasquerade: It's a Long Story

2nd June 2017:
I love it! This first chapter was definitely setting up the storline so I'm excited to get to know your characters better! A lot happened but it felt easy to follow along, and your MC is likeable for sure. One thing I'd like to see more of is some descriptions of appearances, scenery, etc, or other little things to let us get to know Issy and Albus better. Great work though, off to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Ah thank you so much!! Yes, that's something I've noticed and I've tried to include more of that in future chapters! Would love to know what you think of the rest!
Thanks for reviewing!
Alice xx


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Review #2, by my_voice_risingHow not to be a Woodley: A Pocket full of Secrets

28th March 2017:
Hi there!

I've just binge-read this story today and am so excited that I did. Congratulations on all of your Dobby Awards, by the way--I see that it won Best Post-Hogwarts and that only makes me more interested to see where this goes!

Seth is such a likable character; all of your characters are very rich. Sam and Tarquin are two of my favorites, and I enjoyed reading about the Woodleys' interactions and particularly the grandmother's, as cringe-worthy as they are.

Katie is the erratic, funny best friend but she still has depth and doesn't seem to only be there as a sounding board for Seth to talk about her troubles. I would definitely like to know more about her (particularly her family, since we spend so much time hearing about the Woodleys) so that she becomes a little more three-dimensional. But she has some great one-liners and I like her distaste for Tarquin, who is clearly smitten with her.

Albus's flirtation with Seth is interesting because this story is clearly marked as a James/OC, and the whole mystery of why James is not showing up to tutoring, etc. is great. I feel like he got out of their first detention by using the Invisibility Cloak and bribing/blackmailing the Head Boy, which would be interesting because then it would have been James saying "I'm sorry," which seems unlike him.


In fact, there are so many side-plots to this story and I really appreciate that it's about more than just romance. Sam being to one to steal the pregnancy test potions is another interesting side-plot. I also like how you've added in little changes in Hogwarts with the next generation, like the beginning of term dance and parents coming for Quidditch matches (or maybe I'm totally spacing and that was in the books.)

My only critique would be some editing in terms of sentence structure, and general tidying, but the story and characters are very rich and I can definitely see why this story won so many awards.

I haven't actually read this chapter yet--I wanted to be sure that I took the time to stop and review. So off I go to read! ♥

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely feedback! I'm glad you enjoy the Story line and also the characters... I try to write thme in a way that seems plausible and realistic, both main characters and supporting cast ;). Flat side-kicks only make for flat protagonists :)

I'm really happy you enjoy the side-plots and General twists to the Story... I really wanted to make it as multi-faceted as possible but I also promise that everything is going to tie together nicely in the end :)

I know that especially older chapters need some tidying up but since I struggle to find the time to finish new chapters I might do that when the story is finished, I guess :) But thanks for letting me know!!!

Thank you so so so much again for this amazing review and for reading, I hope you've enjoyed the chapter and that you come back for the next :)


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Review #3, by my_voice_risingSocial Darwinism: The Happening That Happened Before the Happenings Began Part II

21st March 2017:
WELL I'M AN IDIOT, I got you mixed up with another reviewer so ignore my last comments about "omg thank you for reading my story." Either way I've been looking at this fic for a while and am glad I finally stopped by, even if it was due to a selfish mix-up ;)

I snorted at "You know it's casual." This probably makes me sound a thousand years old but I'm really enjoying the millennial speak here? At this point, McCartney seems a little frivolous, a little ungrounded in reality, and impulsive--because we haven't really seen her do much more than make fun of her family and worry about her appearance. But the millennial speak really adds to that and I have to say, even though it doesn't feel like the "old generation" of Harry Potter, it really works for this story.

Whoa! James is *really* tall! I don't know why but that is such a cute touch, like when you have a friend who is inexplicably a billion feet taller than his/her parents. I wonder if his personality is going to be different from theirs, because the height would be a nice touch of visualizing how he doesn't exactly fit in.

Also can I just say THANK YOU that they have a normal relationship at this point. So many fics would have taken the Apparating onto Your Crush motif and turned it into an argument, wherein it doesn't actually make sense for the characters to hate one another, and is clearly a flimsy backstory to a budding relationship. So much about this fic takes a lot of areas that have already been explored and turns them on their head. I mentioned in the last review that the fact that she is very wealthy and isn't a cold, distant wealthy Pure-blood in Louboutins is refreshing, too.

I mean come on! Snowflakes in New Orleans! Who honestly doesnt know that that means cocaine! I feel like I've seen this quotation floating around the site and it definitely made me giggle.

I also liked Magenta? What in Merlins name is magenta? . It sounds like a German foot disease."

There are SO many characters in this scene, and it gets a little confusing. The banter is nice but I wonder how many of them will be integral to the story, and if you can cut any of them out? We get the impression of a mass of wealthy people, which is important to the scene, but I wonder if they all need their introductions and their physical descriptions?

Ariadne is a nice touch to the chapter. I'm glad you've manifested most of the two-facedness and Holier than Thou bollocks into one character, rather than all of them, because they all seem to come from money. I also like the Breakfast at Tiffany's reference because McCartney almost seems like Holly GoLightly. She's swept up in this world of wealth and material things, but you've made her different without being too obvious. Her concern with her appearance seems mostly self-conscious, and done by comparing herself to her sister, rather than a real interest in material goods.

Which is totally stupid, I mean Voldemorts been dead for like forever, people just need to let it go. oH MY GOD Ariadne is such a

ugh

Some things that could be included here: more description of the building they are in. I'm imagining a very clean, Muggle-looking sports arena but that probably isn't the case because, you know, Harry Potter. Also McCartney keeps calling her sister very selfish and awful but she hasn't actually done anything to be unlikeable? She was late to brunch because McCartney purposefully didn't tell her about it, and asked her sister to help her find Scorpius, which McCartney made into a much bigger problem than it was. If anything, at this point, it makes the narrator seem mean to hate her sister for no reason--other than her insecurities. But maybe that's the point here, and McCartney is going to have some growing up to do.

Author's Response: Oh that's fine! Ha ha! Even if it was a mix-up, I'm glad you stopped by!

The millennial speak was really important to me which seems kind of crazy, but I want this story to have a totally different tone than the original novels. I wanted this, because this story isn't anything like the original novels. It's very frivolous and silly and just generally fun and modernized. I wanted the tone to reflect that. I also wanted each individual main character to have her own tone and I wanted my writing to reflect that, so the reader can know whose POV it is just from the tone. And I wouldn't say it makes you sound old! The millennial speak is very over exaggerated in this story! Ha ha!

James is very tall! Part of this is selfish, because I'm a sucker for tall boys and part of it is meant to outwardly show James's difference from his family. He has a certain mental difference that is very startling and I wanted his outward appearance to reflect that.

Yeah, I'm an avid lover of the "take cliches and turn their world upside down," because I hate cliches! So, you are very welcome for a realistic relationship and a realistic wealthy person!

Those two quotes you mentioned are some of my favorites to come out of McCartney's chapters! They are just hilarious!

The amount of characters is confusing and like I mentioned in the last review, these are older edits! And when I first wrote this, I really had no idea who would emerge as central to the story! But now that I'm much farther into the story, I can cut the lesser characters out of this chapter.

Ariadne is something. She's more of the Queen-Bee-type than any other character except Maxima and that's what I wanted to reflect. She is Holier-Than-Thou and Two-Faced, but she has the potential to become a more multi-faceted character which is something I like about her.

I know that quote ugh, she's kind of the worst! Ha ha!

And setting has always been one of my faults! So thank you for pointing out that this section could use more description! I always get so caught u[p in characters and dialogue that setting becomes optional for me which is never a good thing!

And yes, McCartney and Lennon's issues are a little hazy right now, but that's intentional. Lennon has a lot of secrets and even McCartney doesn't know all of them! So, you'll just have to keep reading and see what's going on! ;)

But again thank you so much for your helpful and sweet reviews! You are so kind! I absolutely love them and they mean the world to me!

Sincerely,
Ireland


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Review #4, by my_voice_risingSocial Darwinism: The Happening That Happened Before the Happenings Began: Part I

21st March 2017:
Hi there! You were so sweet to review my fic. Social Darwinism has always been one of those stories I've seen around HPFF and thought sounded interesting, but I haven't been good about reading fic lately... I'm so glad I stopped in, though! This is like Harry Potter meets Gossip Girl and I'm pretty excited about that.

It's refreshing that McCartney has such a good relationship with her parents. A lot of times we see these "lifestyles of the rich" themes in stories, movies, etc, and it's an attempt at saying money can't buy happiness (okay cool, writers, try working for minimum wage). But McCartney's family seems to genuinely enjoy one another, even though she gets a kick out of stressing her mother out. It's a refreshing take on the idea. The scene with her interacting with her parents before their brunch was funny, and I like the goofiness of her father especially.

This chapter could use a bit of editing, just because of the amount of information. We get to know her entire family (omg I love Baby Krum) and their appearance and her relationship with them, so adding in all the "he said, she laughed, I rolled my eyes" between every line of dialogue is a bit tedious. Brevity is always a good bet for comedy, and some of these really funny lines would zing even more if shortened. There's a great comedic voice here, and it would really shine with some de-cluttering :)

Just an example: Father! You did not! I exclaimed. You know I hate that song! I roared. Shes a bint! I pulled at my tangled, brown hair in horror. We already know she's exclaiming, because there's an exclamation point. We also know that it's her speaking, as she addressed him as Father. The tangled brown hair is there to give us an idea of her appearance, but you could nix the first two "I exclaimed" and "I roared."

Omg Owlstagram, I love it. Next-Gen stories are the best for joining the Muggle world with magic and I'm so excited to see that it's here in this fic!

Lennon and McCartney? Brilliant. Posh people giving their children weird names is always a good thing to poke fun at (lookin' at you, Gwenyth Paltrow). But McCartney is a suitable name, too, for this character--she's playful and blunt and somehow the name reflects that.

This is cute! Not a lot of action happens in this chapter, because you're building up some character relationships, but I would like to know more about why McCartney's family is such good friends with the Krums, etc. It's interesting that she doesn't drink while being surrounded by so many people who nurse whiskeys in the morning. And obviously there's going to be some drama later, and tension with James Potter... I have a feeling he's going to have a snobbish outlook on her wealth and frivolous lifestyle.

This is a good start! Maybe fleshing it out with more action and backstory, because right now we are very aware of what everyone looks like, and what her room looks like, and her wardrobe, but information like her age, their relationship with the Krums, etc., is lost amidst all of the dialogue.

Great start, though! And your summary is very captivating and definitely makes the reader want to continue.



Author's Response: Hi! I like to respond in order, so I'll respond to this one then your second review! You are too sweet! Thank you so much for dropping by to review my story! I really didn't notice the Gossip Girl influence until the later revisions of this story, but it's been pointed out to me so many times I can see it now!

I know exactly what you are talking about with stories about wealth. It always seems to reflect back on like you said how money can't buy happiness which is true, but I wanted to point out that just being rich doesn't mean you have to be miserable. I also wanted to destroy the 'rich pureblood' archetype by having McCartney's mum be a Muggle and her dad a pureblood who refused involvement with the Death Eaters. I really enjoyed the idea of a wholesome relationship between parents and their children, and because it's something really similar to what I have with my parents, so it's easier for me write which is kind of lazy, but also works well for the story.

Trust me, I know how much of an information dump the first chapters are! I've re-edited them a lot, but these are still old edits. I've been working through them recently and trying to clean them up a bit, but it's still a WIP and since I have three main characters I have three sets of background stories and characters to set up!

And ooh, I do love your idea of brevity and shortening the dialogue tags. I never really thought of it that way! And again, these are old edits, so in some of my newer drafts I have the dialogue worked on a little more. But thank you so much for pointing this out to me!

I'm glad you like the idea of Owlstagram, because some people really don't! I feel like people love it or hate it! Ha ha! I thought it was pretty funny, but I'm a cheesy kind of person!

I had written out a backstory behind the girls having the names of Beatles, but for some reason the moderators wouldn't allow me to mention the Beatles in the text! The story was that McCartney's parents met in a record store and they were both trying to buy the same Beatles album for their significant others. They walked next door to have coffee and the rest is history. So, they named their kids to honor the band that got them together. The name really does suit McCartney though, it really matches her personality and I'm so glad you enjoy it! (And, I totally agree! I mean, Apple? Really!?)

I agree, there isn't a lot of action in this chapter. I mainly just wanted to set up for the later chapters and the drama that takes place there!

And again thank you so much for your sweet review! It really meant the world to me that you enjoyed my story! Thank you, thank you!

Sincerely,
Ireland


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Review #5, by my_voice_risingThe Lucky One: Cross Your Fingers

15th February 2017:
OH MY GOD A PITCHFORK PUN

I HAVE LITERALLY READ JUST THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AND AM ALREADY SO EXCITED

I can't even go three paragraphs without pulling out something that I love. Albus becoming "Al," feeling emasculated by the feather in his latte, how he's trying so hard to be COOL, also is that Sondre Lerche because omg. This world balance between magical and muggle hipster is absolutely perfect.

"a vague irritation at being famous for merely being pushed out of his mother's uterus", I am dying. Okay so this is a long shot but consider continuing this fic! It would totally hold up if you just went along without any serious major edits. I know you were worried about not being PC but because your narrator isn't PC doesn't mean that you as an author aren't. If Albus at all follows in his father's footsteps then he's an awkward and oblivious person who might not realize when they're being offensive. He's a fictional character and seriously, Albus is perfectly flawed and a believable human being.

"Her eyes widened like chocolate saucers ― or burnt pancakes, or other things that are brown and round ― as she realised she had indeed blurted all of this to Albus in a spectacular display of word vomit."

STOP IT, this is too hilarious.

This fic has everything that we love about Muggle AU stories without having to be AU. Wizbook is a brilliant idea! I love the thought of Next Gen characters befuddling their parents with the integration of Muggle technology and magic.

Ironically, the black-framed glasses that rested comfortably on his nose were for corrective purposes, as he had inherited the same, hideous abomination he called "vision" from his near-sighted father.

How am I supposed to read this fic if I keep pulling my favorite lines out and showing them to you, like a cat bringing t a decapitated bird into your house huh???

So Al has been writing about the same girl for years, under a pseudonym, and she is going to find out? I'm hooked, seriously, baited and hooked! And it's refreshing to be reading the story from a canon character, when their infatuation is with an OC. Usually the OC narrates but this is unique! I love how it all started because he caught her using mustard, rather than ketchup, on her chips.

I really appreciate that Al imagines his female readers being indignant that he has given up on "Blossom." You could have done the Sea of Fangirls bit, but you didn't. Obviously Becky the barista shows that he's like any other celebrity, with his doting fans, but it gets tiresome after a while to have packs of girls chasing after boys like a flock of geese. This is a nice change! And I like the bit about Al getting a cat (put me down for "Yes, he should get a cat.")

I'm interested to hear why Violet is working as a barista, if she was indeed going to be an Auror. Is she scratching the career entirely or just working for some extra money? More importantly, is Albus going to scurry away from her or try and chat? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS WHERE YOU LEAVE US.

I know it's so irritating to hear "Please continue this!" but, as you mentioned you're thinking about continuing, I have to say I fully think that it's a brilliant idea. Honestly, I am in love. This story is witty and funny and clever, and very well written, like I'm amazed you were feeling self-conscious. You've provided us with quite a bit of information in the first chapter, but it doesn't feel like an overload. I'm completely hooked! And I'm always around if you need someone to bounce ideas off of. You know where to find me ;)



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Review #6, by my_voice_risingTales of the Death Hunters: Shades of Anger: Wrath

27th December 2016:
RON!

I am already so excited to read this chapter!

Oh my gosh, of course he would be laughing at Susan's (Susan! I get it now!) situation. This kind of reminds me of television shows that are set in hospitals or police forces where the workers are so accustomed to the daily traumas of their work that they're able to joke about it. To me it seems horrible, but Susan seems very in control of her emotions, and that's oddly empowering. I kind of imagine her calling Kaspar a certain name ending in "boy" and beginning with an F. I also would imagine that the lightheartedness of the introduction serves the purpose of what you mentioned, about this fic progressing deeper into the characters' anger. It's a nice juxtaposition for where this story is undoubtedly headed.

I really enjoyed reading about the task force. The fact that they've gone from being "Hogwarts' Heroes" to the bottom of the barrel of the Aurors (in some eyes) is refreshing. Their banter was really well done. I particularly love Susan, who you rarely see portrayed as formidably as she is in this fic.

Harry's command over the group--whether done intentionally or not--makes perfect sense, as does Ron's observance of it. The fact that he feels bad for Harry for being put in the role is *so* canon, too. Of course Harry's given a position he didn't really ask for, and Ron is there by his side to back him up. Ugh. The feels.

It's interesting that Harry has almost taken on a Dumbledore-like role, in that he is keeping secrets from those whose lives could potentially hang in the balance. Knowing Harry this isn't intentional, but I thought that was an interesting parallel you've made.

Ron's comparison of a raid to chess was brilliant. It would be cliche for a lot of other characters, but not for him. Especially the part where he says that sacrificing pieces is out of the question. I'm with him--this seems far too easy. I have a really tense feeling while reading this, so well done you but also why are you doing this to us.

WOW. Okay, I wanted to continue reviewing as I went but that last scene was too tense. So Bizzy was the informant, maybe? She had reason to want Jugson dead, certainly--or you could be trying to confuse us. Either way, the last scene was very well done. Not being able to actually *see* Jugson in his hiding space, and just hearing a disembodied voice was very eerie. It also made me eager for another confrontation when his appearance is revealed. The tactics of their raid were entirely believable and realistic as well--or at least what I would imagine a raid to be like. Even Harry's determination to save the Muggle woman, and Ron's trying to talk sense into him while looking out for the others, was perfect. I particularly liked how Hermione was with them even when she wasn't, as Ron imagined her telling them not to move with their injuries.

I really enjoyed reading this chapter! Thanks for asking me to check out this fic. Consider me a new reader.

Sarah

Author's Response: Hi, Sarah! More responding...

Susan is an Auror, through and through. She is completely devoted to her job and willing to take risks and make sacrifices to see that scum like Kaspar end up in prison where they belong. And you're absolutely correct. A few light moments here and there are thrown in to try to break up the progression a bit.

I feel the same way about Dumbledore's Army matriculating into the real world. They would have had to work their way up, even after Shacklebolt realized there was an advantage to keeping the team together.

You know, I thought about Harry keeping secrets a lot as I was writing this. It felt a little wrong and, I agree, a little Dumbledore-esque. All I can say in this case is that he has a very good reason to keep this secret.

You are correct, Bizzy was the informant. And she paid a terrible price. To her, it was worth it. Whether Jugson was sent to prison or whether he killed her, she was going to be free of him. I didn't think much about Ron assuming Hermione's voice, but I see your point. She was bound to rub off on him a little. Wait a sec, that sounded wrong...

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #7, by my_voice_risingTales of the Death Hunters: Shades of Anger: Malice

27th December 2016:
Hey Dan!

Thank you so much for your reviews, they really were so lovely to read. Here to return the favor.

Okay, first of all, your introductory sentence is brilliant. It's concise, and it pulls the reader in and also makes us feel uneasy because we know that it has either been A) 21 minutes in the wake of something significant or B) someone is running out of time. I'm already eager to read on!

It feels like we know a lot about this character within just the first few paragraphs. Obviously there are the aspects you've spelled out: that he's on the run, he's a wizard, and he's been hiding amongst Muggles. But he seems very prideful in that he feels the life he's been living is below him. The sentence Hed never had much use for elves struck me--I'm guessing he's Pureblood or at least not a fan of those who aren't. Also, there is a very good chance that he's about to die. The details of his past are nicely woven into the countdown to his death, which jars the reader back into reality.

His fondness for his years of burning and pillaging speaks a lot to his character. I wouldn't say he's becoming panicked when the woman with the survey arrives at the door but man oh man, I was certainly panicking. The line about the house not possibly looking more uninviting even if he'd planted Devil's Snare was brilliant; and the easiness that he mentioned the dead Muggles in the cellar says a lot about him. No mention of remorse after he'd become familiar with them and their home--nothing.

(One thing--are you purposefully not capitalizing Muggle? It could be an interesting look into Kaspar's character, who obviously doesn't like them. But also I think that JKR has always capitalized the word.)

Ugh, I think I read the entire scene with the Imperius Curse making a grumpy cat face. Can I change my mind about finding Kaspar somewhat intriguing? Now I just hope that the Aurors catch him. He's obviously not truly repulsed by Muggles if he was going to try and rape her.

Yes, Mary Goldstein! That was so satisfying to read. I wonder if she really was a ploy for the Aurors, or if they somehow counteracted the Imperius Curse and she fought back on her own. It seems strange that they wouldn't do anything to prevent her from being harmed in some way. But I'll have to read on to find out!

This was a brilliant opening chapter. You mentioned concern about flow, and obviously I can't speak to the overall narrative yet, but this chapter flowed very well itself. If there was one thing I could suggest it would be some sort of scenic description. Obviously this is a fast-paced chapter and there isn't time to wax philosophical about the time of day and the light etc etc etc, but some little hints about either Kaspar's appearance (did he allow himself to grow disheveled, or is he too proud to not maintain his appearance?), or the house (small? Big? Homey? What kind of people were the Muggles?), etc.

Really this chapter was well done, and I'm excited to read on!

Sarah

Author's Response: Hi, Sarah! I have decided that I am answering reviews this evening, no matter what. Unless, you know, the power goes out or something.

This chapter was one big experiment for me. I'd never written anything from the point of view of an unknown antagonist. I was afraid that it was going to be too much of a leap for readers, but overall I'm pleased with how it turned out.

You more or less nailed Kaspar's character. He is arrogant, prejudiced and there is a very good chance that he could meet his end before the chapter is over.

You're correct that Kaspar is not so repulsed by muggles that he won't use them for his own entertainment. He's a thoroughly horrible person. but he's about to get his...

Hmmnn... I see your point on more description of the scene. On the flip side, it's all told from Kaspar's point of view and he's not really a stickler for details. I'll give it some thought.

Thank you! On to the next review...


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Review #8, by my_voice_risingLiar: Children

3rd October 2016:
Hi there! Thank you so much for the review on Periphery. I'm glad to be here finally upholding my end of the swap :)

Peter/Remus! (??) (!!!) Wow, I definitely am intrigued by this.

I like that you've integrated the magical world in so nicely with children's games, particularly "building Hogwarts castle" and pretending to be a Phoenix. Sometimes authors tend to overdo the cutesy stuff when writing children, but yours is spot on, from Peter not listening when told to be careful, to Remus quickly growing bored of his Mum running into a longtime friend.

The relationship between Remus and his mother is a nice touch, too. It's so sad that his father wasn't around for Remus's first transformation as he seems to have promised to be. But I like that she is honest with him, telling him that yes, it will hurt. The sentence about her sitting outside the garage all night and staring at the moon is very beautiful; very haunting.

Peter coming to Remus's rescue is such a nice touch! So often Peter is completely written off as a spineless backstabbing monster in fic, but realistically he must have had some admirable traits, or the Marauders wouldn't have given him the time of day.

So even though Remus and Peter grew up together (for a short while, anyway) Peter won't find out about Remus's lycanthropy until Hogwarts? That's a nice touch. It will certainly add another level of surprise to its discovery.

Oooh and the darkness in Peter's voice that creeped his mother out. Foreshadowing much?? I love it!

My only suggestion is clarifying who is speaking in the last three lines of dialogue--at first I thought Remus's parents were saying that they wouldn't write and I was like *gasp* rude. Of course if I'd been using context clues, Remus's attitude, etc., that wouldn't have happened. But speaking of dialogue, you're so good at writing it! The chapter doesn't have much descriptive language at all but you do such a good job setting the tone with dialogue alone.

Nicely done! ♥

Author's Response: Hello, Sarah!
Welcome! :) And thank you for swapping!

Yes, Peter/Remus. Crazy, I know, but that's just how my mind works... (there is a reason, this is sort of a prequel to an AU fic I'm working on where Peter/Remus just sort of happened... anyway, I'm happy you're intrigued!)

Ah, I love to add little wizarding references in normal life, that's one of the things I adored in JK's books. And thank you, I'm glad you found my children believable. :)

I've always loved to imagine Remus' parents to be very caring and sweet, especially his mum. How else would he turn out so amazing despite everything he's gone through? I love that line too!

Ah, yes... my little Petey showing some Gryffindor bravery and loyalty. :) I've written him a lot and I've developed quite a precise headcanon for him that's probably different from what people would normally think. I'm actually quite fond of him (at least of the young him). But I'll save you any more rambling on the matter.

Yes, Peter will find out much later. And, well, keep reading and you'll find out his reaction! :P

Definitely a foreshadow... I wanted to show a glimpse of his darker side. He's vengeful and egocentric and can hold grudges, which are the elements that, in my opinion, led him to the betrayal, even more than his fear. (I know... I said no more Peter rambling... I'm sorry...)

Ops... it was actually John who said that "maybe"... I was thinking it in a sort of mocking way, but re-reading it, it does sound rude... I definitely didn't mean it that way! :O

I should go back and see if I can smooth that bit a little. And maybe add a few tags, because I have the bad tendency to write long bits of dialogue without specifying who's talking... Same for description, I'm not very good at it, but I'm improving... Glad you liked the chapter anyway! :)

Thank you so much for the swap and the lovely review!
Much love,
Chiara


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Review #9, by my_voice_risingWays To Ruin A Wedding: Fake Girlfriend

17th July 2016:
Hello!! I am finally here to read the story I've been so excited about :)

I love that Albus is clearly going by what he's read in books/seen in Muggle movies, about Angsty Men in Pubs who down whiskey like it's no big deal. It's so cute that he's trying to play a role here, at least that was how I saw it, like he was so at a loss and upset about Scorpius that it just seemed the thing to do.

(Also omg the curly straw ♥)

Poor Albus! What a terrible situation. I'm interested to meet your version of Scorpius--he must be either extremely in denial or a big pushover to be engaged to someone he (probably, if this fic goes the way we all want it to) isn't interested in. I also wonder how Rose could be so horrible and evil! Especially because her parents are pretty cool... unless she is the perfect storm of Hermione's superior, haughty, know-it-all attitude and Ron's foot-in-mouth, judgmental personality. Okay I can actually see how Rose would be unlikeable.

Something I noticed: "Im not judging if you say shes a horrible person I believe you" -- Is there meant to be some punctuation in here?

Oh okay, so obviously the fake-girlfriend thing is a trope (and one of the more amazing ones at that, does it ever get old? no) but I like that Albus has already been lying about having a girlfriend. It's much more believable that A) he would do that to avoid coming out to his parents in the first place, and B) that this "girlfriend" role already existed and Hayley was just filling the shoes. If two virtual strangers had met and randomly decided to create this character it would have felt a little more far-fetched Hollywood romcom. It's a small touch but it really has made the whole situation more believable!

It's even better that Hayley acknowledges that this is like "one of those cliched novels," and that she willingly says that she loves them. Ahhh! So good. ♥

Ooooh and we hear about James! Already I love him if he's been kind enough to his brother to keep his secret *and* to help him through difficult times. I'm already shipping James and Hayley and they haven't even met yet!

Ah! The ending two lines are brilliant. I love that Albus was like "No, you don't have to..." but clearly was begging for help with his secret signals and eye-glances. I loved this first chapter!

The only real suggestion I have is to shorten some of the sentences, particularly action sentences. It's really easy to describe every single hand motion and eyebrow twitch and weight-shift because we can see it so clearly in our heads, but it's a lot for the reader to trudge through, and your humorous dialogue is really what shines here! Here's a few examples:

With my eyebrows raised, I reached for a bottle of the finest rum my uncle had in this pub, and walked over to Albus Potter. Albus was slouched on the stool with his head in his hands as I brought the bottle over. You could shorten this to With my eyebrows raised, I reached for a bottle of the finest rum my uncle had in this pub. Albus Potter was slouched on the stool with his head in his hands as I brought the bottle over.

Or this: You didnt ask me, I offered, I told him, shifting where I sat on the bar, moving my feet up so that they werent in the way of the mop that was cleaning the floor behind the bar. It could be shortened to ... I told him, moving my feet up so that they werent in the way of the mop that was cleaning the floor You already mentioned that she was sitting on the bar, so you don't need to repeat it :) Also is the mop magically cleaning by itself? That's a nice detail that could be made a little clearer!

All in all this is a great start, and I love your characters already. Hayley is perfectly balanced between genuinely wanting to help this person and having her own motives for going to a famous wedding. Albus seems like he's going to be a great underdog character. I'm really excited to read on!

Yay!

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Review #10, by my_voice_risingWalking the Line: one [with a little help from my friends]

12th July 2016:
Hello!

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here to review your story! Let's get started.

First of all, your summary is very intriguing. Gryffindor Rules sounds like the worst band ever but I feel like I already love them.

I think my favorite thing about this fic so far is how tiny they all are. AHHH! Like Celeste's chin barely reaching up to the Ravenclaw table and Louis's arm not being long enough for the mashed potatoes. Sorting ceremony scenes are so cute to read. It's like looking at baby pictures of the characters you'll be reading about. I like Alex's certainty that the three will remain Best Friends (and that it only took them the course of the train ride over to become such) even though they aren't all in the same house.

Alex kind of reminds me of Harry as a narrator. I like that he poked fun at Louis, saying that being recognized as a Weasley would go to his head, and his innocence like, "It was just a cleaning potion. Duh."

Also this line: but Alex was exhausted and stopped paying attention after he heard the word rules. Haha!

Um, is it just me or have you perfected the JKR Hogwarts-age-boy dialogue? "I'm Mr Weasley, which makes me really stand out from the loads of other Weasleys here." This sounds straight from the books; I can just hear Ron saying it in canon. In fact, the three of them (Alex, Louis and Celeste) are very reminiscent of the Golden Trio, and I think it's really working for your fic here!

Ohhh your ending is intriguing! I was curious to see where the challenge and the cause-and-effect changing of canon would come into play.

The only critique I can think of is that the first three paragraphs are very dense compared to the rest of the fic. My guess is that you were trying to condense the sorting ceremony to shorten the length of the chapter (and then again I could be totally wrong) but a bit of dialogue, or at least breaking up the paragraphs, would help here!

Also the last paragraph is a bit jarring with the sudden jump in time. Up until then, the story is presented in "real time," but suddenly Alex is looking back on a memory. Maybe if you started the fic with him reminiscing or something, or worked a little more smoothly into the transition of the final paragraph, it would help with the flow?

All in all this seems like a great start! Your humor is perfect and your characterization is very clear. We get a strong idea of what each of these students is like, without you explicitly saying "Louis was funny," for example.

Nicely done! ♥

Author's Response: Sarah! Hi! Aah, this was such a wonderful surprise!

Your assumptions about the band's talent based on their name are indeed well-founded. :P That comes in a bit later though. I'm glad you like the summary, thanks!

:D Ickle firsties :P Aw, I love what you said about sorting ceremonies being like baby pictures of the characters you'll read about - I'd never thought of it that way but it's so true! Aw. Harry was just lucky in that the Best Friends he met on the train happened to be sorted into the same house as he was, so I really wanted to explore what happens when that isn't the case.

Writing eleven year olds is really difficult because it's been many years since I was eleven, so I'm thrilled that it seemed perfect to you. And saying that it sounds straight out of the books - thank you, that's really great to hear. I think Louis is kind of similar to Ron in some ways.

Hm, as for cause-and-effect... eep, I'm sorry if I misled you, but the cause and effect is actually a different story, called Icarus. If I'd known you were interested I would have specified, but I didn't want to just talk about myself in your review! I'm so sorry :S

Yeah, those paragraphs are much denser than the rest. I think that's because the rest of the chapter is mostly dialogue, which naturally lends itself to shorter paragraphs, but maybe I'll go split up those first paragraphs a little just to make it look better. Thanks for pointing that out.

And the last paragraph has always felt a bit weird to me as well, as there's absolutely no transition, but the first three chapters take place in different years, so it felt weird to start at the end, go back, forward, and then back again... I still haven't entirely decided what to do with it. :P Thanks for your comment though, it is good to know that that paragraph reads awkwardly to other people as well as just to me, so I'll get to working on that.

Thanks so much, I'm glad you like this so far! This review was such a lovely thing to find today, I appreciate it! ♥


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Review #11, by my_voice_risingLoony: Loony

9th July 2016:
Hello there! I'm happy to be reviewing this story, and love that the HP fandom is widening its subject matter to discuss important topics like this.

Your choice of second person narrative is interesting; I'll bet it was difficult to write so bravo! It goes very well with the almost mocking tone, as if Luna is chastising herself the entire time. And it's unique in story narration--just like our Luna!

Some Ravenclaw you are. Wit beyond measure. Oh, this is just heartbreaking. To be sorted into a house known for its wit and feeling--unjustly so--like she doesn't belong. You're really driving home how cruel it was for everyone to call her "Loony" in the first place. And Luna's always such a positive character; maybe aloof, but I'd argue that she kept Harry sane on more than one occasion.

WHY ARE YOU BREAKING OUR HEARTS THIS WAY? The shirt that was once her mothers, that she's worn all of these years even though it was far too big? And now she finally fits in it, and it's the start of her Fourth Year, and she feel like she may just be coming in to her own? And then right away all of the fidgeting with the shirt, and the jewelry feeling too heavy--she's physically aware of the items that make her different from everyone, and they're literally making her uncomfortable.

And she's even finding nice things to say about Ginny right after she called her a name. This scene is so sad, because in the books everyone has just assumed that she's sitting there serenely, not really paying mind to anything. But all the while she's fidgeting under their scrutiny and oh gosh I'm just sobbing here for poor Luna!

One thing that does confuse me is this part: After the interaction with all five Gryffindors, you think about the way you laughed for days. You remember the way they looked at you about your overreaction. I'm guessing that in the book she did laugh and laugh at something they said until they all got uncomfortable, but maybe make that a little clearer? (Honestly I'm really searching for things to critique here.)

AWWH gosh the ending is so sweet. Okay, so maybe I do wish you embellished just a teensy bit more on Luna's experiences with Harry and the Order, particularly going to the Department of Mysteries and flying on the Thestral. But I love love love LOVE the ending. So sweet. Harry and Luna's friendship is probably one of the greater things to come from the HP books (in my biased opinion).

Great job writing this! I'm glad that we spoke and that I was able to read it. Lovely work ♥

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Review #12, by my_voice_risingBeautiful, Ugly People: chapter one

14th June 2016:
Wow!

This is some really nice writing. Your MC is perfectly self-deprecating with humor, and you've given us just enough information into the story to keep us informed, but so little that I certainly want to know more. The relationship between Roxanne and Philippa, in particular, is intriguing. And I'm excited to see what Hugo and Philippa have gotten themselves into. Very nicely done! I hope you decide to continue :)

Author's Response: Oh wow, thanks for reading! Philippa is very self-deprecating. She feels inadequate and lost - kind of just drifting along on the waves of life and struggling to accept herself. I'm very pleased you found her engaging. I'm also pleased it's kept you interested enough to continue! There's multiple secrets in the plot, and while it perhaps isn't completely indeterminable what happened, things will of course become clearer as this progresses. Her relationship with Roxanne will definitely be covered, and as for Philippa and Hugo - well, they've gotten themselves into a situation. Whether it's good or bad is up to them.

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Review #13, by my_voice_risingSomeone to talk to: May 3, 2005

12th May 2016:
Hi there! I'm here, albeit very late, with your review. As soon as I saw Ginny/Hannah femmeslash I was sold! I pretty much ship Harry with a long-deserved feeling of peacefulness and solace and Ginny with Luna, but I haven't read Ginny/Hannah before... And I'm a sucker for crackships!

Anyway, now that I'm done rambling about myself...

Your dialogue is really strong! The reader definitely knows everything that's happening (tone of voice, actions, etc.) just through your punctuation and careful choice of language. It doesn't feel too expositional at all, either, like when she offers Ginny her handkerchief and Ginny asks for a hug. We still clearly see everything that's happening.

This advice might be pointless, if your goal is to write an only dialogue-based story, but I would really love some descriptive language. I only say this because this story is going to be about Ginny and Hannah realizing they have feelings for one another (and likely Ginny's first actual realizations about her sexuality) and I worry that the subtle nuances, like Hannah's fingertips on her wrist as she slides the glass across the bar, or eye contact, or touching their hair, and especially that damn hug, are just lost. Like I said, it's really impressive what you've been able to display without any descriptive language at all, but I wonder if a story like this would be missing something without it.

Or, if you really want to avoid all description, maybe just lengthening the dialogue and adding in some small-talk to ease the reader into their conversations? The fact that Ginny mentions Hermione's pregnancy quite early on, with very little hesitation, for one. This realization is interesting but it could benefit if we knew, say, how many drinks Ginny had? Or there could be some subtle backstory with the two of them if they catch up since they last saw one another (and was this days, weeks or years?)

Either way, some length--whether description or more dialogue--would add quite a bit to this really unique fic. It's definitely an interesting read and I'm glad that you asked me to review!



Author's Response: Hello Sarah, and thanks for this super thoughtful review!

It's good to hear that you think my dialogue works – as this is what this story stands and falls with, haha! I worked really hard to try to get things like tone of voice and important actions across - but as you say, some things are lost. One thing that you bring up and that I actually struggled with a lot was how to get across what amount of alcohol Ginny (and Hannah, in the next chapter) is drinking. All the ways I tried to work it in came across as either stilted or super judg-y from Hannah's side, like 'Oh, Ginny, you are now on your third Fire whiskey.' Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but you get the gist... : P

And yeah, my goal IS to write a dialogue only story - or rather, that's the rule for one of the challenges this story was written for! So adding in descriptive language is not an option, sadly. It really was a challenge to make it work as well as it does, but there certainly is room for improvement, heh. Especially in the later chapters there's some subtle actions of attraction a la "Hannah's fingertips on her wrist as she slides the glass across the bar" that you mention that are just... lost. Because of this I took the story in a somewhat different direction than what I'd originally planned - but maybe some day I could write a sequel where I get to explore all those 'subtle nuances' that you mention... (This will probably make more sense if you read the other chapters too, haha.)

I really like your idea of adding in some more small talk, and working in a reference to when Hannah and Ginny last saw each other, though! When I sit down to give this a touch up in a few months, as I am wont to do, I'll make sure to keep those ideas in mind! : )

Again, thanks for this really helpful review, and I hope to see you back some time! Maybe we could do a swap? (Oh, and by the way I ship Ginny/Luna too, but generally in some sort of poly arrangement that has room for Harry as well...)

/Kapa


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Review #14, by my_voice_risingSanctuary: Sanctuary

6th May 2016:
Hey there! Here with your requested review. I love stories about Percy so this seemed like an obvious choice to me!

The opening paragraph is brilliant. The salty ocean air reminding him of blood and sweat, rather than something serene, is something I haven't seen before. And his heart being a "useless thing" is so poignant and so Percy--I'm hooked!

It's so realistic, too, that Percy wasn't accepted back by his siblings right away. Their reactions were so like them, too, with Ron and Ginny giving the silent treatment and Charlie giving him a long talk.

I like the conversation between Shacklebolt and Percy (who of course can't keep his mouth shut or stop the sass) but some trimming down may be helpful here. You've already set the tone wonderfully and a few key phrases in between dialogue would be helpful, but otherwise being succinct would really help the reader absorb the meat of the conversation. The "Percy said, tiredly" and every expression Shacklebolt has on his face while speaking every line, etc., could be removed and you'd still have a great scene!

"...sobbing until the tears in his eyes tasted like nothing." There's that salty ocean angsty brilliance again. Love it!

Okay I already love Audrey just because of her owl. She seems like the kind of spirited person that rule-abiding tightwad Percy could use in his life. It makes sense that they could come together the way they did, despite their difference in personalities, as they're both escaping pasts that they aren't too proud of.

I love the scene where she attacks him with the frying pan, especially when he mentions the birth mark on her breast and she's all eye-rolls like "Um, literally a hundred men could tell you that." Haha! This is definitely another place where humor would shine if you trimmed down the descriptive language between their conversation. The dialogue is quippy and that's what makes it so funny, but plowing through the he-said she-snarled they-gasped in between all of the spoken word detracts from how funny it is.

Ooh! Another thing--the spacing between the paragraphs could be shortened. That's just a technical thing but it would definitely make the fic more readable too!

Oh my gosh, how cute is it that he calls her "Dearest?"

I fully ship this couple. She's so embarrassed by her emotions in her letter that she wants him to burn it?? OMG a woman after my own heart. And the dynamic between Muggle who calls Apparating "poof"-ing and Prefect Percy Weasley who aced all of his exams and could tell you the exact velocity at which an Apparating person is traveling... But they just work so well!

I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for requesting a review! ♥

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Review #15, by my_voice_risingBroken : Why Did You Break A Perfectly Good Heart?

6th May 2016:
*blows air through cheeks*

I mean, damn.

I haven't read anything dark in a long long time and THIS is pretty dark. Dramione is a guilty pleasure of mine but this one-shot seems unique in that it's after the "happily-ever-after." He wooed her, she finally let her guard down, and came to trust him, and it was all an act. Somehow this feels more canon, anyway.

Hermione's perseverance and the fact that she never told him about Harry is just so good. Of course she wouldn't betray her friends. Your language is very poetic here, and even without going too deeply into description and visual language, the reader can clearly see the scene.

"Two years of fighting, one year of betrayal." This is very interesting. One thing that this story leaves me wanting is some Showing and Not Telling, as they say. Not so in-your-face as flashbacks, but some specific memories would tell the backstory that's hooked us.

Moments of when Hermione finally came over to Draco, for example, would be really interesting, and Ron and Harry's reactions. Or the moment when she realized that he had actually been playing *her* all along.

Especially after you mention "the love they shared"--so he did indeed have feelings for her at one point? Is this all because he's being put up to it because of his parents and Voldemort, or is it because he was really truly using her all along?

I want to know more about this torturous tumultuous relationship!!!

"Destroyed by nothing but love" is such a powerful ending, too, paired with the muted sound of the gong.

Nice work! ♥

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. Glad you found it dark as that was my aim!

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Review #16, by my_voice_risingDear Myrtle: Dear Myrtle

3rd March 2016:
Hey you!! So there you were, months ago, kind enough to lend me a hand with writing my fic and then I just go and disappear. I'm so sorry about that! But I'm back to give this story a good R&R-in'.

First of all, I LOVE the name Olive, so I'm already hooked. The first scene is great! I love the mother's uneasiness at Olive's questioning about Spot in the afterlife--we can learn a lot about her character through her bluntness of speech and inability to talk to her daughter about things like dogs going to heaven. And the forgotten crumbled ash on the cigarette, and Olive's childlike inability to comprehend the state of the world. Wonderfully done!

The second scene is nice in that the reader knows that Olive is Muggle-born just from the fact that she can't take her eyes off of the ceiling, and her wonderment that the candles are floating on their own. Lovely job of "showing, not telling," as they say! Hehe.

Ghosts arent the same, even the Hogwarts ones. Grow up. Ooohh, foreshadowing!!

Ohh, I love your mentioning of jazz! It was called "degenerate music," right? By the Nazi party? That's a nice juxtaposition. Your mentioning of Olive's jewish heritage is very well-done, too, and laced in nicely with the story in a way that isn't expositional.

OOOHHH CREEPY!!! "Are you sorry you laughed at my glasses?" Gah!!!

One suggestion--what if you wrote a little more about Olive's confusion. She opens the door to the bathroom and her friend is lying there on the floor. Maybe she's confused about why Myrtle would just be lying there for a moment? Does she touch her and realize how cold she is? Or is there blood, etc.? As readers we know that Myrtle is going to die (and what terrible timing, with trouble with a friend!) but Olive wouldn't have been expecting it and probably would have been slower to figure it out.

The relationship between Olive and Myrtle is really interesting--yes, Olive was a bad friend to Myrtle before her death, but it was done out of the pressure of dealing with her grandparents' disappearance. She was a bad friend, but does that mean that Myrtle is right in (literally) haunting her?

Oh gosh, and the scene where she refuses to get glasses--brilliant!

One more teensy suggestion: what was it that made Olive able to forget Myrtle? What happened in those two years? Was it simply the passing of time, or did she devote her time to a career or her family or something else? I'd love to know! :)

This was very well-done! I enjoyed reading it! Thank you again, so much, for helping me with my fic :)



Author's Response: aw no worries! real life does that sometimes! Eee, thank you for stopping by though! ♥

I like the name too! But I can't claim credit for it - Olive Hornby is a canon character (albeit very minor). As sad as it was to start off a story with a dog dying, I wanted to set a precedent of Olive trying to hang onto things that are gone, which ends up haunting her (literally!) later.

And thank you, I'm so glad you liked the introduction of her Muggle-born heritage through her fascination with floating candles :D

Once I realized that a sizeable portion of this story would take place during the second world war, I really wanted to tie that in. Despite the separation between magical and Muggle normally, there's no way wizards would be unaffected by everything that was going on -it was just a really interesting time period to work with, and I loved approaching it from that historical angle. And small things like popular music of the time are so effective at really grounding something in its time period, so I'm glad you appreciated the mention of jazz! And thanks, it's wonderful to hear that Olive's Jewish heritage was woven in well.

Truth time: As for the sparseness of the scene where Olive finds Myrtle, and the rather abrupt ending where Olive lets go - in fact, both of these are things I wanted to expand while I was writing it, but the word limit for the Writer's Duel was 2500 words - and as is, this story was BARELY within the word limit :P Now that the writer's duel is over though, I've been thinking of going back and editing the story to get those two scenes the way I like them. I'll definitely keep what you said in mind while I'm working on those sections, thanks! :)

I'm so glad you liked the relationship between the two girls - Olive comes off as a sort of villain in canon but all we get is from Myrtle's very biased POV, and one of my favorite things to do in writing is dig into back story and put a different spin on it. I'm really glad you enjoyed the complexities of their friendship.

Thanks so much for stopping by to read this! I appreciate it so much ♥


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Review #17, by my_voice_risingOh My Darling: 1

3rd December 2015:
Hello, here for your review! ♥ And obviously I'm going to choose one of your OC fics to read, because they are the greatest.

I love your OC's name (and Saoirse Ronan!), your banner, and your title. The opening line is catchy, but are you really saying that every single other girl in Hogwarts is superficial? That seems kind of harsh! Also it perpetuates some stereotypes. Sorry to mention this right off the bat, and I truly don't think you did it intentionally, but think about girls like Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Tonks and Cho just to name a few: strong characters who happened to be women, who went to Hogwarts, and who were so much more than materialistic beings (several of whom were even bookish, like our sweet Clementine here!) Not to mention the thousands of people on this site who all are, by some standards, "nerdy" and "bookish" for liking HP and for devoting hours of their life to it.

Anyway! I don't think this completely ruins your story by any means. Please don't take it the wrong way, I am seriously saying this in my head in a friendly voice--but you know how it's easy to misinterpret written word on the interwebs! The language of that first sentence fits the kind of storybook-esque narration style, too, and makes me think of Pushing Daisies, but it's just something to think about. Who are these "other girls" and are they really the overwhelming majority of women? :)

One really simple way of fixing all of this is say that she isn't like other students. I mean, there are boys at those parties too, right? :) With all of Elizabeth's jumping and hip-swiveling.

Anyway! Onto this super-cute story.

Like I said, your narration is very nice. I saw in another review response that you're trying a new style, and you're doing well with it! It even fits Clementine's very cut-and-dry demeanor: she only hangs out in one of three places in the castle. She makes her bed every morning. She sits at the same spot at the Ravenclaw table with her one good friend. I find her very interesting! A lot of OCs these days are so loud and quirky (and that's fun too) but this is very refreshing, to have a genuinely shy person.

Ahhh Martin Creevey and his finance! I love it. One of those students who already has a job offer before graduating, ugh! No wonder Clementine doesn't like parties, if she ends up with that guy every time!

Elizabeth and Clementine really seem to balance each other out. I have such a clear picture of both of them: you described them very well without getting into their "sparkling sapphire eyes," etc. They're the perfect counterweight to each other!

I like that you go on to give a little "narrative introduction" to Albus much in the way you did Clementine. It pits them against each other (he went to parties sometimes, and dated around) but also shows their similarities (he apparently didn't get crazy at parties--something about him sounds reserved, like Clem!) I also like that he's popular, as in well-known, but keeps to a small group. Just like his ol' dad!

Also, I love that they don't have some unfounded rivalry or something. They had spoken a few times, and she doesn't feel strongly about him either way. This is refreshing--and it fits Clementine's character well. She's just so level-headed, not to mention focused on her studies, that she couldn't possibly be hopelessly crushing on him or hating him for no actual reason.

I laughed at Lizzie's gentle chiding of Clementine for being behind on gossip. I just wanna knit Clem a sweater and read a book with her ♥

Also, this interaction is cute: "Clementine Amelia Moore, I don't understand how you can be so nice when you're talking about people you don't even know."

"Practice?"


Oh gosh! And how lovely that this is one of those stories where life could have gone on being perfectly average, were it not for one tiny little thing: that he noticed her staring. Those kinds of ideas are really interesting--not quite to the extent of, like, the Butterfly Effect. But Albus and Clementine were just two people existing near each other and he happened to see her glance his way, and that was all it took.

I really like this story! Again, I hope I didn't come off too harsh with the "not like other girls" bit. It's just something that I feel strongly about. It's been a while since I've taken time to read fic on this site, but I'm glad you asked me to review! ♥

Author's Response: Hi there!
I'm definitely not trying to say that every other girl is silly and superficial, but I can see how it could come across that way. I've been looking at ways to reword the opening so I don't generalize so much while still getting my point across. Thank you for pointing that out though!
I'm glad you like the narration style! It's been interesting to experiment with, but it's been a lot of fun!
It's so lovely to hear that you like Clementine! She's pretty easy for me to write, because she and I are incredibly similar. I don't see a lot of really shy OC's, either! I wonder why?
Oh, Martin. He's not exactly the most fun person to be around. Poor Clem, always getting stuck with him.
Lizzie and Clem definitely balance each other out. I think they're the type of friends that people wouldn't really expect to get along, but actually could barely function without one another, if you know what I mean? They really love and support each other, even though they're so different.
Albus is much more social than Clementine, and has done a fair bit of partying in his day, but I think because his family is famous, and he gets so much attention because of it, he's kind of over the whole thing. He likes going with his friends, but doesn't really care about having tons of people (or I guess admirers?) hanging around him all the time.
I think Clementine is too busy to think about having crushes! That and she's never really entertained the thought that people could have crushes on her. Dating and whatnot just doesn't cross her mind all that often.
She'd love getting a knitted sweater and reading with you!
Ah, those tiny moments that change everything! They're wonderful, aren't they? I love the idea of small moments causing big changes, too.
Thank you so much for the great review, and the CC about the opening of this chapter! The feedback was wonderful!
Cassie :)


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Review #18, by my_voice_risingNot My Own: The Switch

3rd December 2015:
Hello there! Here with my review.

I came for the intriguing summary (is this a story with an identity switch?? I hope so!) and I stayed for the Ewan McGregor banner. I'll leave it at that.

There are a few grammar errors, and quite a bit of sentence-cleaning that needs to happen some attention! It looks like you already have a beta reader, so I'll point a few out just to help a bit :)

"In hopes of keeping some peace and prevent those involved from pointing fingers" should say "preventing."

Also, with "mistrust and prejudice against werewolves against him," you don't need to add the "against him" in there. Readers know that he's a werewolf so it's unnecessary. In fact, you don't even need both "mistrust" and "prejudice."

You also don't have to say "wonder about and question the wolf in the pack," as wondering about something and questioning it are the same thing.

"Don on" is also redundant; to "don" means to put something on :)

"All the same he lowered his wand swallowed and took a seat in one of the chairs Dumbledore had apparently conjured up for them to sit in." Chairs are for sitting, and the word "apparently" is unnecessary because you are already describing it, so it's apparent. "All the same he lowered his wand, swallowed, and took a seat in one of the chairs Dumbledore had conjured" does the trick just fine!

You have a very nice tone that fits the mood of the story--just clearing up the extra clutter will really benefit this chapter! I have the same problem in my writing, so when editing I make a point to remove unnecessary phrases and words. It makes such a big difference, really!

Your characterization of Dumbledore is nice--he's one of the harder people to write, too. The juxtaposition of the gravity of their meeting place (I'm picturing a very dark room--but some description would be nice too!) and the lemon square is a nice touch. I particularly like when it goes very dry in Remus's mouth.

Seeing James this way is also interesting. We've heard nothing but their brotherly love in fic, so seeing their tense meeting is intriguing to say the least. And, knowing Dumbledore, there was a reason behind forcing them to meet one another after they'd had such a bad interaction the last time. You could even expand upon that, especially if you shorten some sentences and free up some length to use in the chapter. Their exchange was so brief--instead of them describing the interaction, you could use Remus's memory. Visually showing us, instead of telling us, is always good!

Some more trimming to be done: "His tone was very solemn as he continued to speak" can just say "His tone was solemn."

"assured Dumbledore, his voice steady and unchanging" is redundant, as an assuring voice is constant and comforting--you don't need the second half of the sentence.

"said James interrupting drawing Remus attention," can simply be whittled down to "interrupted James." The fic is from Remus's POV, so the reader already knows that he is paying attention.

I like Remus's line, "Knowing about it and experiencing it are two very different things." No matter how much James went through to make Remus comfortable with his condition, he never had to experience it himself, and Remus was always an island in that sense. And his relief at experiencing friendly human contact after so long without it--how sad!

Your description of Dumbledore's spell is really nice! But, again--ack!--it's crowded with too much text. "As Remus stood there he blinked and his vision shifted. As he blinked things moved from one perspective to another that he began to grow unsure of which was right and which was wrong." This is basically the same sentence twice, and really the first sentence is perfectly strong enough to stand on its own.

Oh wow!

Was the sudden unveiling that he was actually becoming James intentional? I didn't even pick up on it--maybe I was just paying too much attention to sentence structure, but I thought the whole conversation between James and Remus and Dumbledore had to do with being an Oathkeeper and keeping their location secret. But this makes much more sense.

Yay, it is an identity switch after all!

Another thing you could mention is James's vision--he is without James's corrective glasses, I'm assuming, so things would be blurrier. That bit with his sense of smell not being as acute is really interesting.

And seeing how James *finally* understands what being a werewolf is like--that is a good passage, too. The only thing is the weird switch in POV from Remus to James in that paragraph. Is the story through Remus's eyes, or is the narrator omnipotent?

This is interesting. How is Lily going to react? I'd like to have seen Remus question this, too. Her husband won't actually be her husband anymore, and they'll obviously have to continue on as they did before. This could make for a very interesting plot point, too! I'm sure it would be very difficult for her.

Hope this was helpful. It's a great idea for a story, and just needs some tweaks here and there. Thanks for asking for a review!

Good luck!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this review! Seriously this is probably one of my favorite reviews ever! My jaw dropped when I saw how long it was and how amazingly detailed! Honestly while you are pointing out the bad you are pointing it out in a good way and I love it. I will be taking a lot of what you have to say to heart. I don’t know when I’ll have the time to edit this first chapter but all the same knowing the weak points in my writing helps me to do a better job of writing! So again thank you!

Now that I have my generic thanks out or the way there are a few comments here and there that I want to remark back to you on. Your fist line about the intriguing summary I’m glad that actually is working and I do not blame you for staying for the Ewan. I don’t blame you at all. I’ve always had Ewan in my head for Remus since before POA was cast, and I really have not been able to depart from the image ever since.

As for the clutter and repetition, I feel like that is my Achilles heel. I have an editor for an OF that I’ve been working on and she points out the same to me all the time. To be honest in some ways I blame Nano for the bad habit of repetition to stretch sentences out. I’ve got to work on stamping that behavior out. Course it helps to have it pointed out so again, thankyou.

I will admit that added description is on my list of things I need to look into. I’m bad at getting a mental image myself and thus the lack of image on my part translates into my writing. It is on the forefront of my mine much like the repetition issue!

Show don’t tell. You are honestly hitting on everything that I am trying so hard to work on! I appreciate it though honestly I do. The more times it’s pointed out at me the better I can work on it. Seriously as I said before I’m in love with this review.

The reveal of the switch I was not meaning to be a surprise. I’ll look and be sure that it wasn’t me and how I wrote things, but yes and identity switch is what I was aiming for indeed. As for the vision, James was wearing his glasses at the time of the switch so yes Remus would be having to adjust to corrective lenses and the smell that I mentioned. If I didn’t mention it in this chapter then chapter 3 does mention the vision thing for Remus as he has to get used to the limiting edges of frames. (Something I notice every time I get new frames my eyes has to readjust to the new shape.)

The store is supposed to be mostly through the main character’s eyes. I’ll have to look into tweaking that because POV hopping is not a good thing. I can’t explain why I did something so silly there. >.<

As for Lily, if I didn’t mention her here, she is mentioned in the third chapter. She knew what James wanted to do but she didn’t know if Remus would agree to it or not. Still I’ll look into mentioning her a bit earlier in this chapter, when I get the time to review things fully. I feel like I hardly have time to write review responses at this moment . >.<

I have gushed lots and lots about this review so I’ll stop now with one last thank you for such a wonderful and stellar review!


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Review #19, by my_voice_risingIcarus: Prologue

3rd December 2015:
Hello!!

Thank you again for your help with Keep Calm and Carry On. I'm here to put my words into action!

Ooh, the beginning entry is very cryptic. I'm assuming by "ship" you don't mean the seafaring variety. As someone who's never read a science fiction HP crossover-y type fic, I'm very intrigued. The writing within the log is revealing enough to give the reader information but it doesn't feel clunky or expositional. Nicely done!

Remembrance Day! Is that canon? Why have I never thought of this? I love the idea, and how realistic Lily's reaction to it is: it is significant because it is from such recent history, but as somebody who never lived through it, it's just "a week off work." Time moves on and people forget, and you've portrayed that nicely.

The balance between Lily's annoyance at her family (the repeating names, the unwanted fame) and her interest in what things would be like, sans Voldemort, is well-done too. You could have easily taken the "If only poor mummy and daddy were able to have a normal life" path, and you didn't. She's mostly apathetic, and apparently only spending time on the thought because she happened to straighten a picture of them in her boredom. That was another nice touch, by the way: the fact that she noticed a slightly crooked photo tells us a lot about her character.

I love the idea of her as the atypical hero, too. She's an unemployed daughter of two Very Famous People. She sounds like she has a lot to live up to and feels she isn't quite making it. Albus is the Golden Child and even takes an interest in his uncle's Muggle item-collecting hobbies, but Lily doesn't seem so involved with her family. You paralleled the "atypical hero" bit nicely by mentioning her neighbor and their habit of watching superhero movies (which, you are totally right, do usually have terrible female characters.)

I am interested to know why she's unemployed, too! Is it the economy, or did something specific happen? Did she have a job and lose it? I'm sure time will tell.

A great start to a story with a very intriguing title! ♥

Author's Response: Hi! You're very welcome - and thanks for stopping by my AP! :)

I'm glad the beginning is cryptic and not just a random clunky paragraph, haha. This isn't technically a crossover, although I do admit much of the science fiction elements which come up later are inspired by sci-fi books/tv. I'm glad you're intrigued by the idea! I haven't found many other sci-fi fics out there.

Remembrance Day, I don't think that's canon, but it's my headcanon! Given all the days meant to commemorate ends of wars in our own society, it felt fitting that the magical community would have one too. And along with that, Lily's reaction. I'm really glad you liked the way it showed the passage of time, thank you!

I'm also thrilled that you pointed out how Lily seems such an atypical hero and that you appreciated that. As you said, her parents are Very Famous People and war heroes and it's made Lily about as opposite of a hero as she can be. And yeah, can you imagine having to try and live up to people's expectations of you based on your famous, world-saving parents? :-/ Or your famous, world-saving grandparents? I think it'd be a lot for someone to handle.

I'm so glad you liked the start to this story, and the title :) Thanks so much for stopping by and reviewing! ♥


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Review #20, by my_voice_risingYear Five: The Hex Head Express

19th November 2015:
I AM SUCH A MORON.

Not only did I actually *read* this chapter, with the intention of reviewing it, I wrote you a PM on the forums telling you how excited I was to read/review and then got distracted by some internet thing or another and never actually wrote anything.

(For what it's worth, I just wrote a review and HPFF ate it and I'm rewriting it. Better? Maybe?)

Anyway, this is just some quality writing. Your character development is so strong, and we're only two (technically one) chapters in. Tristan and Isobel are both really interesting, as are their friends--I appreciate that we're not really supposed to "like" Laurel. The way they were all talking about Harry, and how they'd kind of forgotten about him, was interesting. In canon we only see people being like OMG UR HARRY WOT so this was a nice, fresh take. Their ties with Fred and George, and the twins' characterization, was really nice too. Even though *weep* Fred.

Even your graphics and banner are cohesive and fit the mood of the story well. Really nice job! I can't wait to read on and get to know the other characters.



Author's Response: AH I'm sorry it's taken me sososo long to reply! So yeah, no worries on your end about anything! (I really love responding to reviews, so I promised myself I'd hold off until I'd updated a few things, and that took FOREVER).

Hee, I really loved the idea of seeing how other people would objectively view Harry and his whole mythos. Like, you know how if you haven't seen a small child in a lot of years, you still imagine them being tiny and then are like "WOAH, WHEN DID YOU BECOME A BIG KID??" I figure that since Harry was this really famous Baby, a lot of people would kind of imagine him as eternally being a baby, and then be a little like "woah, he's a person."

As for the twins [sobs], I had a lot of fun playing with perspective here. In canon, they're always the cool older people. Here, they're a bit younger than the MCs. It was a lot of fun trying to keep them in line with canon, while also looking at them a slightly different way.

And devastatingly sad. [sobs again]

Yee I'm SO GLAD you like the graphics!

Thank you SO MUCH for this review!

xoxo
Roisin


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Review #21, by my_voice_risingIn turns: Stealing Bicycles

2nd June 2015:
This is so cute! I love that James actually chased her for miles (miles! Miles?) because it's something that Harry would have done. Writers of Next-Gen fics that make characters behave similarly to their canon parents have my heart.

Alex's internship is funny, especially that they pay her in candy. Her relationship with her parents is pretty unique, too! I like that you have a strained relationship without the typical reasons for it that we find in fic.

The only thing I thought was a bit weird was how angry she got at James after she had to give back his bike--maybe angry isn't the right word. She *did* call him a git, though, even after he was considerably nice to the person who stole his bike! Either way, this is really cute, and a good start. I'd love to see where you take it!



Author's Response: Sarah! You reviewed! I feel guilty bec I haven't given Keep Calm a good review and er, I will! I promise!

Anyways, yes, that part. I guess she was irked bec she was late and James was holding her up and I don't know, really. Teenagers, psh.

Thank you! You're amazing! You made me real happy! :)


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Review #22, by my_voice_risingetc. etc. (and life goes on): A Kingdom For My Name

23rd April 2015:
Hiya! I wanted to leave an actual review instead of just a tumblr ask... I read this chapter on my break at work and it was all I had time for huehuehue.

This is seriously your best writing! You can really tell that you put a lot of thought into making every single word count, and move the plot along. A couple phrases that stuck with me are Here, with only each other to want, we kiss and kiss until it could fill a language. Here, we make sense, and I want fame; I'm fame's girlfriend. The way that Clemence has fallen for him is so wonderful too. You've done what everyone tries to do in fic--the accidental falling in love with your enemy--and done it so wonderfully!

I have to say that part of me thought/wanted (still wants?) the last scene to actually be Pickett and not Albus! Though I blame that on the Clickett tumblr graphics ;)

Seriously Gina, you should be so proud. This is really amazing writing. Can't wait for the next!

Author's Response: Eeee thank you! I agonized over SO. MANY. WORDS. this time, like I totally forgot how to write. One punctuation at a time *pats typing muscles*

"fallen for him" ;) DEPENDS.

And I will say cryptically for the readers reading reviews: BUT WHERE ARE ALL THOSE CLICKETT SCENES I SUPPOSEDLY WROTE? THE CLAPPY SCENES? Oh, this is just the lull before mobs. Pitchforks and ships will rain from the heavens. No umbrella will help you next chapter.

♥!!


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Review #23, by my_voice_risingChaos Theory: ii. the journey

20th April 2015:
OH MY GOD Headcanon that Oliver Wood named his son Harry, because Harry caught the Snitch and won the 1993 House Cup for Gryffindor. PLEASE let this be true!

You've got a pretty diverse cast of characters, which is very refreshing! I loved Kit's crush on Harry. Is Orla the daughter of Romilda? And it was so funny that they were finishing (or starting, ahem, Kit) their homework on the train.

It's also very interesting, and realistic, that you've chosen to explore Post-War magical Britain and how Muggle items are becoming more commonplace--even coveted, hence Nox's existence. I particularly liked the mention of Sinistra's pre-war robes; that was a very nice touch.

I'm a little confused about what's happening with NEWTs/no more split-level coursework, partially because I'm very sleepy and partially because I don't really remember much canon about schoolwork, whoops. But this is very well written and I'm interested to see where you're taking things!

Author's Response: OH MY GOD HAHAHHA YES SURE LET'S GO WITH THAT. my headcanon was he named him harry bc he just thought harry potter was such a great hero and friend and overall great guy but I can just imagine his wife having just given birth like "oLIVER ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND" "NO BUT LISTEN [INSERT NAME] YOU ~DONT UNDERSTAND~ THAt SNTICH CATCH WAS INCREDIBLE"

orla IS the daughter of romlida, yes! she started off as lavender brown's daughter but I changed route haha. one of will's dads is richie coote, if you remember him from the 6th book

hopefully the education thingy is a little better explained now sorry for making it so so confusing yikes

anyway thank yaa for the review!!

- jess, xo


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Review #24, by my_voice_risingChaos Theory: i. the introduction

20th April 2015:
Hiya! So I have to let you know--in case you're wondering if your experiments have been working--but I decided to read this fic because of all the tumblr posts you've been making! Haha. There was a recent story preview that I can't quote right now due to 12+ rules, but it really had me laughing.

I like Lucy so far; she's a tad bit unlikeable in that she's pretty grumpy--although rightfully so, with her family. And even more on her family, she's kind of like Percy that way! He's much more insufferable, but they are similar in many ways and you've done a really nice job! Her friends seem funny. I'm excited to hear more about them, and their physical descriptions and such, but I think you also did a really nice job not info-dumping in the first chapter. That's always difficult not to do.

Excuse this not-so-great review. Can't wait to read on!

Author's Response: OH wow I didn't even think ANYONE read my tumblr posts tbh hahahha wow it's so weird that you've come here because of them hah

oooh yes lucy is designed almost to be one of those characters where you're in the between feelings about. she's neither likeable nor unlikeable; she's just a girl in the middle who is forever grumpy and very pessimistic

thank you for the review! and for reading my tumblr hahahaha

- jess, xo


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Review #25, by my_voice_risingCareful What You Wish For: The Dementor on the Train

13th February 2015:
Jeez, I turn my back for a minute and suddenly there are
30 chapters to this fic! I have so much catching up to do
♥ Hope you've been well, lovely.

Can I just say again how much I love retellings of the HP
books with minor characters as the MCs? So excited to
read on! (Nice CI, by the way.)

Agh, so cute! All of the characters squished together in
the car, listening to the radio... Obviously it's a bit
of a dark moment, with hearing about Sirius, but it's
still such a cute picture. You have a very nice cast of
characters started up here and I love reading about their
group interactions. The arguments about Quidditch were
cute... Sweet Oliver has no idea he'll be playing for
Puddlemere one day!

I like their teasing of Percy, and how Penelope already
seems like such a good fit for him, with the "important
tone" she takes when speaking about him. We all have
those friends who are dating a person we don't like, and
you've done a great job interpreting it here. I'd
forgotten what happened to her in the Chamber of Secrets
and it makes a very interesting addition to her
character.

One teeny, tiny thing that isn't super important: I think
JKR calls her the Trolley Lady. ;) I only bring it up
because I have a soft spot for her and her minor
character-ed-ness (it's a word.) As I'm typing this I'm
realizing how insignificant it is, but all I'm doing is
gushing about this story and now I've had my tiny bit of
concrit and can go back to gushing.

BRAVO! *Standing ovation* When Penelope talks about how
Oliver is annoying and then lists reason that aren't
really reasons to dislike someone, Dani defends him! And
she's so nonchalant, too--it's clearly not a big deal. I
don't know if you did it on purpose but you've totally
taken the trope of "I hate this male character for these
really flimsy reasons that don't stand up and solely
exist to prolong the buildup to our romance" and turned
it on its head. I don't know if it was intentional in
that way but seriously, well done.

Really nice chapter! I can tell that the romance between
Dani and Oliver will take its time and not be rushed.
Glad I picked this fic back up after so long, especially
now that there's so much to read. Can't wait for more


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