Reading Reviews From Member: randomwriter
  
307 Reviews Found

Review #26, by randomwriterclipped wings: the rejection.

20th June 2015:
Hello again, Sian!
(review for House Cup 2015- Gryffindor)

A!! Didn't I tell you that I knew something like this wold happen? Doesn't mean that it didn't hit as hard though. I was quite shocked to see how Edmund treated her. I can't believe he disappeared without as much a warning. He could have just asked her, spoken to her. But but but... sigh.

Horatia is such an evil manipulator. I'm fairly certain that she was behind some vile rumour that tore Edmund and Hepzibah apart. It' so unfair. Horatia strikes me as a sour, dull lady, who will do whatever she can to get what she wants.

Poor Hepzibah though. I'm really curious to know how she reacts and takes it from there. I hope she can fix this. She really does love him beyond words.

Speaking of words, yours are the best. I'm really loving this story, and I'm upset that there isn't more to read because it's so lovely. Plus, this is a bit of cliffhanger you've left us on. We're left wondering what the rumour was, what Horatio's involvement was, how will Hepzibah try to fix this, what will society think of her, and so much more.

Your writing is just as beautiful. But there's something a bit haunting about this because of all the pain and heartache. Once again, you managed to capture the love, longing and heartache so the perfectly. The sentiment behind your words sprang off the page.

Your descriptions make me want to cry.
Nothing else to be said.
Once again, amazing work &hearts: Update soon.

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Review #27, by randomwriterclipped wings: the fall.

20th June 2015:
Back so soon? Yes! Hi Sian :) This is for the 2015 House Cup, and I'm here for Gryffindor!

Remember how I mentioned earlier that your story reminds me of richness and opulence? Well, this is everything I sense when I read these chapters. This one captured the feeling completely. It's clear that they're both from high society, but for Edmund to be in a level that's far beyond what even Hepzibah has imagined is something else altogether. I wonder if this may cause a rift between them. It has happened in the past. I hope not though. They seem so happy and far too in love to care about anything external.

I'm pretty sure you're going to get sick of me saying this, but your descriptions are out of this world ♥ I could picture myself being there. So vivid, the emotion behind your words is almost tangible. It's so strong. I can feel their love.

Hepzibah has made her choice. I'm curious to see what Edmund wants. Will marriage come soon? It seems to be the next natural step given the circumstances and how they are. But I'm still on edge. I'm expecting something bad to happen, thank you :|

I like how this whole story seems to be like a scene, in a way. We barely see any dialogues or details, and yet we know everything with great clarity. I don't know if this makes sense, but it's almost as if it's an incredibly painting or mural, detailed and colourful and I'm walking past it from the beginning, till the end.

I'm sorry. I don't know if that made any sense to you at all. It's beautiful though, and you should be proud for being able to write something so incredible ♥ Great job!

Author's Response: Hehe thank you, Adi ♥

I kind of imagine both of the families to be well off and move in the same circles, but Edmund's family to be one of those that has a lot more wealth and status while Hepzibah's has the status but less of the wealth - kind of like a poorer branch of the family. It definitely has to be a consideration when it comes to anything like marriage.

I don't think I could get sick of you saying it - it's so sweet of you and I'm so happy that you think I do a good job with the descriptions in this story!

The choice Hepzibah makes here might be pivotal in this story. I can't complain that you're on edge since this story was written for the Angst challenge, after all :P But I'm giving nothing away!

Thank you so much for such a wonderful review, Adi!


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Review #28, by randomwriterclipped wings: the passion.

20th June 2015:
Hello again, Sian! House Cup 2015, go go Gryffindor! ♥

I love, love, love this! There are no words for how beautiful this, and your writing are. And I'm so jealous that I've never managed something like this. It's so smooth, but I feel like I'm drowning in something rich and opulent while reading this.

I really like your continuation from the last chapter. You haven't bogged us down with any details, and yet, you've managed to tell us a lot about them and how they are together. Hepzibah is too far gone, and I don't blame her. The way you've written Edmund, even I've fallen for him. He sounds so dreamy and wonderful. Ad their love seems so warm and wonderful, I'd hate the thought of it ending.

But I know you and I know that this is for the Angst Challenge, and honestly. That scares me. Will you ruin Edmind for me? :(

You've done a great job of capturing the essence of societal life of that period. I feel like I've been transported back in time. You also do a great job with descriptions, as usual. Over here, you've described her feelings for him so well. You didn't just say she was in love. You showed it in such a lovely way. That takes a lot of skill.

Also, the flow is perfect. I know it can be a bit sketchy in second person. But that doesn't happen here at all. In fact, now that I've read this., I can't imagine it in any other voice at all.

You are a writing goddess, Shaarn. I'm far too jealous. I want to quote my favourite lines, but I'm afraid I'll just end up quoting the whole thing back to you! So ♥ I'll see you soon on Chapter 3.

Author's Response: Hi again, Adi! ♥

*blushes* You're far too sweet to me, you know that? I don't even know what to say to your compliments on my writing here, except to reply that yours is amazing and you shouldn't put yourself down!

There's not really room for a lot of detail in chapters of just 500 words, but I'm glad that you thought I was still able to continue on from the first chapter and the plot made sense. Hepzibah has completely fallen for Edmund, you're right - it's her first love, and she's fallen hard. As for Edmund, I couldn't possibly say anything :P

I'm really pleased you think I captured the society at this time! I can't flatter myself to think it's entirely accurate, but if it gives the reader a flavour of the era then I'm happy with that.

Ah, I can't even say anything now, you're too sweet! ♥ Thank you so, so much for this amazing review, Adi!


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Review #29, by randomwriterclipped wings: the meeting.

20th June 2015:
Hello Sian! I'm here for the HOUSE CUP 2015! For Gryffindor, obviously :p

How sneaky of you to put something up so quietly. But I'm glad for it has given me the opportunity to review it now. I've missed your writing far too much. It has been ages, unfortunately.

One thing that struck me from start to finish (though your chapter isn't very long) are your descriptions of Hepzibah. And when I say that, I don't mean just her appearance. Even her thoughts, actions, everything. I think it speaks volumes about her social standing and the kind of society she lives in. That aside, those descriptions were absolutely gorgeous. You make her sound beautiful and elegant.

I'm curious to know what this ball is about, and whether Edmund Prince plays a greater role in this story, what happens of her cousin, and everything. I think you do a great job of bringing in that element of suspense by not giving us a clue about any of those things.

Your writing flows so incredibly well. I was mesmerised. This could have been 10,000 words long, and it would still have had the same effect on me. I couldn't have torn my eyes away if I tried.

I think the flow is aided by your spot-on word choices. You've picked carefully, and not a single word is out of place.

Lastly, I'm excited to see a story about Hepzibah. It's the first one I've read, and you always do such a fabulous job with minor characters.

Amazing job, Sian ♥ And away to the next chapter I go!

Author's Response: Adi ♥

Haha, I wasn't being sneaky, honestly - I just had to get the story up in time for the deadline so published the first two chapters quickly and then went from there :P And I'm excited to receive one of your reviews, too!

I'm really glad that you liked my descriptions of Hepzibah here! I wanted to put a lot of description into this, but at the same time, since each of these chapters is part of a longer story, I needed to include enough action and plot so that it made sense. I'm glad that you thought I managed to convey that in so few words!

The ball, in my mind, is just some sort of social occasion that they're all going to. As far as Edmund is concerned, I think you know a little of his role in this story already but I'm glad you're intrigued.

Phew, the flow is always something I worry about, and especially in a story like this one, where I've only given myself 500 words for each chapter. I'm glad that I still manage to tell the story well in that limit!

Thank you for a wonderful review, my dear!


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Review #30, by randomwriterEternity: Eternity

12th June 2015:
Hello Ribbons! I've had my eye on this story for a while now. I saw that it had placed first in Roisin's challenge, and I'd been meaning to drop by.

Speaking of dropping by, this is for the House Cup 2015. I'm a Gryffindor!

This story was so different from anything I've ever read before. The formatting was quite unique. It had a very poem-y flow to in, on the whole. It seemed to speak directly to the reader. As an advantage of this style of writing, I felt everything you seemed to want us to feel. Overall, I was a bit edgy.

I love your choice of words. You've used the same words over and over again in different ways in a very clever manner. I love the repetition.

The subject of this story was rather intriguing. I can't say for certain that I know who you were talking about, and a lot of possibilities entered my mind at different points. I did think that it was Flamel for the longest time, but then you brought in the mention of the portrait and I was confused again :p

One of my favourite things is how this story/poem thing doubles up as food for thought. It really pushed me to think and question concepts like time, and how fluid it is, in a sense.

I like how you have single words and then short sentences. The short burst of impact really makes a difference every now and then.

All in all, this is all sorts of wonderful, and I understand why it won. Great story. Keep up the amazing work ♥

Author's Response: I know I'm responding to this a little late, but I just realized that you left me a review on my birthday, so thank you so much!
I haven't been on HPFF for a while so it's actually news to me that this won anything, which is bizarre (I guess I'm gonna have to go check it out???). So thanks for alerting me to that :)
I am so glad that you felt the feelings I was trying to portray in the story and that you liked the rhythm and style. It was all new to me as well so I'm glad it turned out!
Have a wonderful day
Much, much, MUCH love,
Alena


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Review #31, by randomwriterle ciel saigne pour nous. : la lune et l’étoile.

12th June 2015:
Kiana ♥ This is from Gryffindor for the House Cup 2015! Oh how I've missed your writing!

This is so utterly gorgeous. I love your vivid imagery, and your descriptions make me so unbelievably jealous. HOW can anyone be this good at it? It's completely unfair! I want to cry.

I love your usage of French phrases. While I don't speak it, I've always felt that it is a beautiful language. Here, even though I only understood snatches of it, I still felt this sort of elegance and beauty pervade through this piece simply because of your choice to use French, if that makes sense. (sorry if it doesn't though. I've barely got any sleep).

The way your writing flows is so seamless. It aids the stunning imagery and the beautiful language. Your choice is words is flawless. I can't pick anything here that was even slightly out of place, and I'm a very nitpicky person. So great job on that!

Honestly? I've never read a Vic/Scorpius. I'm a massive ScoRose fan, as you probably know, and I ship Teddy with Vic. But somehow, I couldn't bring myself to resent this pairing. I love how everything is dreamy and floaty between them, and the role reversal where Scorpius longs for her in the beginning, and leaves her by the end is so clever.

Gahh, I love this! I'm sorry I have to go, but there is a task to be finished. So :p

Well, amazing job. I need to read more of your stunning work! Kudos :)

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Review #32, by randomwriterAnd Now A Word From Our Sponsors: Five

12th June 2015:
House Cup 2015- Gryffindor!

Hey there :) I'm here to restart you story as a part of this edition of the House Cup. I'm picking up from where I left off last time. That being said, I have read this story many times in the year that has passed. I don't know why I've never reviewed it.

Moving on to the story, I love Rose and her nonsense. She's just so funny. I love that you've written it from her point of view because her thoughts are every brand of crazy and that takes this to a new level of ridiculous hilarity.

Pippa's gum chewing is quite a unique characteristic, and I love how she's always by Rose's side, feeling generally amused in life. Hugo's little part was pretty funny too. Oh, Hugo! When will be ever learn?

My two favourite parts were Rose's interaction with McGonagall and the part where her list flew to exactly where Julian was sitting. At both points, I was literally laughing out loud, much to my mum's puzzlement.

While Rose's thoughts and actions never fail to have me chuckling, I think your writing and how well it reads has a lot to do with how this story is delivered as well. I think that the flow is very smooth, and I love how you just induct common phrases into the 'wizarding vocabulary', if I may call it so. For example, I love how 'bigger fish to fry' became 'bigger cauldrons to charm'.

Anyway, this was fantastic, as usual. I know why it has become my go-to happy story. Great work ♥

Oh, and one last thing. I want a Scorpius. Can I have this one? ♥

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Review #33, by randomwriterA Disaster In The Making: Mr. Evans

26th May 2015:
Hello! I've been sent by Castiel to review your lovely story. Isn't he the best? :)

I was so excited when I saw this because it's a James/Lily, and even after so long, I love them. It's so hard to find unique, original stories about them now though, unfortunately. Which is why I enjoyed this chapter even more.

One thing that stands out in these one, as compared to other James/Lily stories I've read, is where you start off. It may seem like a small detail, but trust me, it makes a huge difference. I don't think I've ever read a story which takes off here, where she has fallen for him and is introducing her to her father. It's usually her hating him or her falling for him or him changing, it never starts off a few months down the line, so I thought that this was interesting. Another thing is that as of now, we know very little about your James and Lily. The only details we know are through her father's eyes. Also, generally whenever authors introduce their parents, their parents, there's always more focus on James' parents than Lily's. For all these reasons, your story stood out to me.

Now, about the characterisation, I found it interesting that Lily's father is that worried to hear that James will be coming. It makes me wonder how much Lily has told him and what exactly she has said to him to evoke such a strong reaction. Petunia too, seems more involved in Lily's life than I've seen, which is really great! However, I like that she's trying to pass it off and act as if she couldn't care less about her sister. You're written her well by giving her some dimension, and by also not writing her like the forgotten, neglected or un-favourite (yes, I know it isn't a word) child. I like that her father actually reveals his worry to her. It shows that he holds her opinion in importance, which is natural considering that it's just the two of them for most part of the year.

I am curious to know more about Lily's mother and her illness. I feel sorry for her. I couldn't help but think about the details, the elation she shared with each of her family members, how she dealt with the magic and everything. was Lily close to her? How old was Lily? Did she come back from Hogwarts to be with her towards the end? I know that these questions are beyond the scope of your story, (or at least, it seems that way at this point), but I still can't help but question some things.

It's amusing that Lily is bringing James home the same day that Petunia is bringing Vernon home. That ought to be interesting. I always enjoy scenes where the four of them are together. It's hilarious because I picture Vernon as someone who'd easily be able to beat up James, but is actually scared of him because he's a wizard. I'd love to read that scene. I doubt they'd reveal it to Vernon in the first meeting, but I still feel the their interaction can only bring laughter.

I love how you've written this. It's short, simple and doesn't feel like you're loading us with information. Your writing flows smoothly too :)

My one suggestion would be to include some more descriptions to connect the readers with the characters more. Maybe some more insight into their emotions? Or maybe some details about the scene? Something visual? I don't know. But just a little extra detail.

All in all, this was a lovely first chapter, and I'm glad Castiel lead me here. :) Good work, Lotte ♥

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Review #34, by randomwriterHarry Potter and the First Mission: Life Still Goes On

18th May 2015:
Kenny! Hi :) I'm here for the Red vs Gold review battle. I should have been here a while ago, but it slipped my mind. I'm so sorry!

I was excited to start reading this because you love Auror centric fics so much that I was certain that your passion for this... genre (shall we call it?) would come through clearly. I was not mistaken. You jumped right in there.

One thing I really enjoyed was that you picked this right up from where Deathly Hallows ended. I think you're very brave to choose to do this because it's difficult. You need to have the same characterisation, the same emotional understanding as JK Rowling did when she wrote them because there's absolutely no change who they are or what they're feeling from her ending of the battle to the beginning of your story.

About the Harry/Ginny pairing, I've said this before, and I'll say it again. You're very good with writing them together. Their gentle love and passion comes through very clearly without you having to drill it in. when you're writing them, your characterisation is quite excellent as it truly represents who they are, really.

I liked that you included Kreacher in the beginning because it shows that he still remembers him even immediately after the war ends. I think Hermione'd be proud ;) It also ties up with canon nicely since he does wonder if Kreacher can bring him a sandwich in the books too. What I would add here, is a line where Harry asks Kreacher how he's doing. He did lead the house-elves against the Death Eaters in the battle, and you can show Harry's concern by asking that question.

I love that you got stuck right into the part where they become Aurors, however, I do feel it was a bit rush. I'd give it at least three weeks to a month before Harry takes such a big decision. I think the primary thought on every body's mind immediately after the battle would be rounding up the Death Eaters, rebuilding the school and stabilising the psychological health of the people who were affected, if possible. I do get the urgency of rounding up the Death Eaters though. So maybe you could have written Kingsley asking the trip if they'd be willing to help with that. After that's done, maybe Kingsley could ask him to join them full time?

Also, I think that the teachers and Dumbledore would have a better idea of what to do with the wand than Harry. I like the idea of him returning it to the tomb, but I don't think he'd tell them what exactly to do.

There's this nitpicky thing too. I felt that Harry and Ginny would have conversed and kissed somewhere more private than the Great Hall. That's entirely you call though.

Finally, I'd love a little more description. How did the sandwiches taste? How did Harry feel at every stage of this? How were the surrounding? How bad was the damage? How are others dealing with the aftermath of the war? Just somethings to enhance the picture you're giving me.

All that being said, I do love that you started off so soon after the war, and I love that the action is taking off. It draws me to your story and makes me want to read more of it. There were also a few (very few) grammatical errors. Maybe getting a beta would help? But I definitely see an improvement in your writing :)

An intriguing start for sure, Kenny, I'm sorry I can't really say more because I've been insanely busy, and even though I've been meaning to add to this review (I've had it saved for a few days), I just haven't found the time, and I don't think I should make you wait any longer. I hope that's okay! All in all, this chapter serves well as an introduction. It makes me want to read more. Great job ♥

Author's Response: Hi, Adi.
Thank you for leaving reivew on this. I understand you're extremely busy. But your review is always awesome. I wish I could write the lovely long review like you did.

This story is very old, and I need to rewrite with help from my beta. They did good for me. It'll take much more time to fix them all but I'd like to carry on.

Talking of psychological health and Harry's decision you're pointing out, I was too eager to jump into the Auror things. But I don't forget how strong Harry suffered the sorrow for the dearest people who died. I tried writing about the feeling later on the other chapters, so if you have time to spare, please stop by again.

Hmm, the sandwiches taste, I should've written about it.


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Review #35, by randomwriterLove is for Fools: Not a Fool

6th May 2015:
Hey Dee! Here I am, a little (ha!) too late for our exchange :p Sorry about that! In short, it was a combination of not having internet for a while, and completely forgetting the existence of this review exchange on the forums.

Anyway, onto the meat of the review, so to speak. Before I forget, I want to tell you how much I loved the title. It drew me in, and it made me want to know what about love makes it so, from the wolfstar point of view. Now I'm not a massive wolfstar shipper, but I've really gotten into the pairing recently, and I'm enjoying your take on them. I liked how it was unrequited because I kind of picture Sirius as someone who can't be tied down. Also, I get the whole 'not wanting to affect their friendship' thing. They're like brothers, and there's so much to take into consideration. Plus, given that they went to school in the seventies, when LGBTQA rights were still not widely accepted, probably much less in the pureblood communities, it probably made sense to them to lay low. Anyway, I'm rambling and going off on a tangent. Sorry! Basically, I like how you've written them, and it makes sense to me :)

I love that you've written this in second person. I find that it is a voice that requires great skill and constraint. If not done well, it comes of as awkward and clumsy. But you wrote it very well. I never felt as if it was strained or repetitive. Also, after reading this, I find it difficult to imagine it written in any other point of view. Like, second person just fits now.

I'm always impressed by stories that are written for the classic Every Word Counts challenge. Try as hard as I might, I've never managed it. I always struggle with editing beyond a point. I must applaud you on your mad editing skills though. Now a word seemed out of place, and the fact that you managed to fit their entire story, from beginning to end, in five hundred short words, is extremely impressive.

It hurt me so much when you got to the part where James and Lily death was mentioned. I just wanted to reach out across the screen and give Remus' shoulders a good shake and scream out the truth. Of course, it's not really his fault, but still. I also felt sad for him because it became clear how much he loved Sirius and how little he could do about it. Then, you got to Sirius' death and very nearly killed me again. I think that's one death I'll never make peace with in my life. This was no different.

I mentioned that I loved your characterisation of them together. But I also loved them individually in their own right. I smiled so much at that bit about Zonko's being Sirius' heaven. And then I felt sad about how he never got see Fred and George's shop. See what you did? You took me on an emotional rollercoater in just five hundred words!!

Your writing is stunning! It drew me in completely and I totally forgot about everything else. I was just so involved in the story. The flow is perfect. You write their whole story, and yet, it doesn't seemed rushed or unnecessarily fast paced. It reads smoothly, and your word choices are so great, and in such a short piece, your word selection makes such a huge impact on the reader. Also, I love the tone. It's very melancholic from the start, and it played to my emotions so well.

Finally, you did this for the Alphabetised Challenge? WHAAAT. I didn't even realise till I got to your note at the end. I was so mega-impressed, and I re-read it like thrice to just marvel at it. Now, I must bow down to your greatness at managing something like this. I like that you ended with a sentence starting with A. Apart from that sentence itself being rather powerful, I think that it kind of came a full circle there, with it starting with A. Wow. I still can't believe you managed that so well!

Overall, a lovely story. I'm so, so happy I got to swap with you and read this. I'm sorry I'm so late though :( I hope it's alright!

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Review #36, by randomwriterBlackwater Side: Blackwater Side

2nd May 2015:
Hey Kenny! Here for the battle. I was on Team Red last time, so I thought I'd try Gold this time! :)

I've been meaning to come and check some of your work out for a while now. I know I've read Hogmanay, but you have over 60 chapters up, so it doesn't feel like I've much of your work at all.

I think the first thing I should comment on is your characterisation of Harry and Ginny together as this story is focused on them. I felt like you managed to capture their love and passion very well. This moment did mean a lot to Harry, after all, and it's nice to see that you built the story around that. Even though this was quite short, I think it worked well in this case because it threw all the spotlight on this shared memory, rather than on other events of inconsequence to this one-shot. All the importance was on that moment alone. That bit where you described the kiss was quite steamy and it shows us how passionate it was. It resonated with the thoughts Harry was having at that moment. Thoughts like how he can only ever love her, and how he might not see her again if the hunt for horcruxes did not go well fueled his interaction with Ginny at that moment, and it came through very well in your story.

Another thing I really liked was how the song properly took him back to the moment. I think things like music and art hold so much power to actually transport us back through time to relive memories and emotions. In a way, they serve as markers. Sometimes, when you think back to important events in your life, you remember the smaller details that make the moment like the song that was playing, or the dish that you were eating. This was like that for me. I think that it was clever of you to actually use the song in your narrative like that because it was so much stronger than just having the words included in the piece. The fact that it played a role was excellent.

I love how you've written Harry and Ron together. Their friendship is such an important part of stories that have them both, and it's something I'm a bit terrified of writing because I'm unsure of whether or not I can pull it off. You managed it very well here. I like how Ron is easily distracted by things like how neat Zabini's desk is and stuff, and at the same time, bring up a sort of serious topic. I laughed a bit at that comment actually, and I'd really like to know how Zabini, of all people, ended up becoming an auror!

One thing I was curious to know though was what exactly reminded Ron of that moment then, and what made him apologise for it at that particular point of time. Was there something that triggered it off? Also, harry and Ginny are together at this point, yes?

Before I forget, I also want to compliment you on the world you've built here. The Auror department seems to have grown, and the idea of them having their own Quidditch team is brilliant! How is Harry not Seeker though?! And the idea that a team of trainees can beat Puddlemere is quite amusing. I can't imagine what a big fit Wood would throw! Haha! I'd love to know more about this Quidditch team and the meeting that follows this one-shot and everything else :)

As I mentioned, I really liked your use of the song. It didn't feel out of place or anything. I also liked the image of the girl playing this in a busy subway. It certainly seemed plausible and could picture the whole scene so clearly. Plus, this song (even though I haven't heard it), seemed like something musicians of that sort would pick up to perform.

I think this was very well written. It was clear, and the flow was perfect. It wasn't too choppy and the pacing was done well. I liked your word choices as well. Little details like the 'holly wand' and descriptions of Ginny's hair add to the overall effect and tie it back to canon. I also liked the squeaky chair and the plane memo. It made the whole so much more visual and easier to picture.

I did spot an error or two, nothing a quick read through won't fix. For example, in the last part, it should be lay her down, not lie her down.

I also like how you ended the one-shot. It somehow felt like there was a sense of closure, maybe? I don't know what it was, but I enjoyed it.

Overall, great work Kenny! Keep it up :)

Author's Response: Hi, Adi. I feel struck with awe for your long and lovely review. You showed for me how to write(type) desirable review.

You're right, music and art comprehend power to be markers for special memories. In my country, many couples take much time to choose their music for their wedding party.

This song, I think it's an old traditional song about a girl who spent time with an Irish lad over the border river, Blackwater in Britain.

As you found out, I like to put the two Gryffindors together. Their frienship plus Hermione is forever in my mind, too.

Talking of romance part, I had no confident. Thanks to Kayla I could edit right.

I always try writing in picturesque way, so I'm happy to know you understand my intention.

Thank you for your kind advice and encouragement!


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Review #37, by randomwriterSweet Sorrow: Only A Memory

28th April 2015:
Alishya ♥ Every time I come around, I tell myself that I should read more of your work. It's unfortunate that I haven't gotten to it, even though we're such good friends!

As you may know, I adore James and Lily together. They're as good as my OTP, really. Well, they're one of them. Anyway, I love how you've written them here. You've managed to show their relationship grow through Lily's eyes, and it's nice to see it unfurl slowly. I like how you stuck to canon, where she hated his guts till much later in their school life. I don't think she'd have fallen for James had he not changed a bit either.

However, because of the slow unfurling of them I felt quite sad. We all know how their story ends, and even though yours is so short, it doesn't make it any less harder to let them go in the end. I was wishing that you'd gone AU, and that's huge, coming from me because I hardly go for AU. Anyway, I really wished for a better ending for both of them. They had so little time together :(

I loved your chracterisation of their relationship. You showed it so well, and I actually could feel Lily's (as good as from canon) emotions as she thought about James over the years. I also like the voice you've employed here. It's very reflective; like she's fondly reminiscing the years that they've known each other. I like the little facts and details you add, like the stuff about James' detentions and Lily being a prefect. It only makes the whole thing more real. I especially love how you make your Lily speak about James. She doesn't hold back, but when she speaks abut his bravery and passion, the world resonate, stronger than anything else, and as a reader, you know that he is everything Lily says he is.

I'm always in awe of fics that manage to say a lot in so few words. What you've managed is certainly a great achievement and you should feel proud of yourself. I don't think 26 words is a big deal. That's much closer to the goal than I've ever managed, if I'm being honest. And you got such a lovely story out of it. I'm impressed with how you managed to cover the entire span of their relationship from beginning to end in just over five hundred words, really. And you've done it so well, too! It's never felt as if it was rushed, or that certain chunks were missing. It was consistent and steady.

That ending, oh wow. So I read it a couple of times and I was wondering if she died in front of a mirror or something, and then I realised what you'd done. It's because Harry has her eyes, isn't it? Wow. That is so clever and poignant. I felt a bit sad though. To die looking into your only child's (a one year old too!) eyes must be so painful, even if that pain was short lived. But still, I marvelled at how wonderfully you put that. Brilliant!

This is a tiny, tiny pet peeve of mine, and believe me when I say that you haven't done anything wrong to warrant this, but I have a small issue with double spaced paragraphs in short stories. I prefer single spaced paragraphs, but that might just be me, honestly. :p

As for CC, I did spot some grammatical errors that can be easily fixed after a quick read through. A couple of quick examples would be:

Your eyes bright of curiosity, wonder, and love--You repeat this phrase over the course of your story. I think 'bright with curiosity, wonder...' would be better than 'bright of'.

mines should be mine. Mine indicates possession. I know it's confusing, but mines doesn't refer to possession. It refers to well... mines. Those things you blast with ores and stuff inside. (forgive me for such a crude explanation. It's a bit late :p)

That being said, there were lines I absolutely loved! Especially those describing James and his bravery and Gryffindor traits. Your writing is lovely and your descriptions are absolutely beautiful. It's been a pleasure, reading this, and I hope I get the chance to read more of your work soon ♥

Author's Response: Hey Adi!

You wrote me such a really long, lovely, awesome, heart-filling review - I can't even respond to this properly. *hug*

Honestly, don't worrry about getting to reading my stories! I appreciate it whenever you get the chance or want. I wuv you! ♥

James/Lily has now officially became my OTP too. I mean, they were my favorite before, (particularly for Harry to be born) but ever since writing this, I definitely fell hard for these two. I have a new sense of love for them. It is sad knowing their fate. (Maybe one day I'll write a story with James and Lily. ;) )
Anyways, thank you, thank you so much! It was fun writing a timeline basically - of their relationship. I'm happy you enjoyed reading it! (Can't wait to write about J/L again!)


Thank you for complimenting me on characterization and detail and just my writing ^_^ (especially when it comes to details - I don't feel very confident in.)


Haha, yeah, I figured many would be confused by the ending, but you eventually got the picture! Though the only thing was, this is an AU, and instead of Lily dying with James, she survived with Harry. She's still sitting at the table in her kitchen watching Harry. From beginning to end, but as you already know, he reminds her of James. :3


Ahhh.. I see. Thanks! I'll try to fix the errors whenever I get the chance.


Lol no worries, I know what you mean now too with the double space. I'll keep that in mind for future short stories. ^_^




Oohh... I feel like my response is a jumble of unorganized grateful mess. I just can't leave your review unresponded though, because it so awesomelovingamazingbeautiful...




Thanks for taking the time to read and review this! You really made me happy with this review, and forgive me for taking so long to get back to you.


- Asphodel


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Review #38, by randomwriterObsession: Obsession

10th April 2015:
*jailbreak post* Capture the flag- round five.

Lauren, this one shot cannot possibly be real. It's too good. I don't have the words to tell you how amazed I am. As you know, I've been reading Rules of the Game until now, so it's massive shift in genres for me, coming to this, from that story. But you've written this so masterfully that I have no doubt in mind that you can tackle any of these genres or story types with equal ease, and that is a marker of a great writer.

It's incredibly how deeply you managed to go into Pansy's character. I'll be the first person to admit that I don't like her. She's cowardly, dependent, and immoral. But you actually made me sympathise with her over here. The motions you dealt with were so human, and so relatable, that I couldn't help but feel terrible for her.

Love is beautiful, but it can be just as devastating, and you showed that alternate side to love so well over here. I am so impressed because this one-shot is nothing short of incredible. I want to say that it's hard to believe that someone can long and pine so much, but I know that it isn't. But I still wish I could say it because Pansy's pain is beyond fathomable in this one-shot. And the way you've described it is so heart wrenching. If you can get me to feel sorry for Pansy, then you've certainly done something.

The writing is the most gorgeous thing ever. Your story just glides and waltzes through, if that makes sense. It's so poetic and reading it makes me feel so disconnected from everything. Almost like I'm somewhere floating.

The descriptions were so amazing. As I kept reading this, I kept thinking to myself that I need to quote 'this line' and 'this line', and as I read on, I realised that I was having these thoughts for nearly every single line, so I thought it would be prudent for me to not quote your entire story back to you :p But be assured that every line was quote worthy and so beautiful that I want to cry my eyes out for never being able to do this! I'm so jealous. And I think your story flows and reads so well because of how intricate your descriptions are. It's just too ♥

As for the plot, WOW. When I started reading it, I definitely did not expect that to happen. I just thought she's be pining over Draco and that's that. But when we got to that bit, I just stopped, and went 'wow'. I appreciated how you used the remembrall prompt to tie it up with that. I was mindblown, because that was honestly genius.

Also, this can't possibly be your first attempt at first person? Because it was done so well.I find that a lot of people struggle with the flow and the structure of this point of view, but clearly, you're not one of those people.

Your understanding of love, pain, grief, helplessness, and human emotion in general astounds me. You've dealt with it is such a realistic and relatable manner, but at the same time, it's incredibly delicate.

Lauren, if I keep going on, I'm just never going to stop gushing. This is one of my favourites on your page (and I've been on your page a lot, especially off late!). This is one of those stories that is going to stick in my memory for a long, long time. Just splendid!

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Review #39, by randomwriterRules of the Game: Things Could Be Worse

10th April 2015:
Hey Lauren! CTF-Round Five. On lookout for a flag, reg and gold with a picture of the giant squid on it. Seen it anywhere? :p

Anyway, onto the review.

I'm really enjoying this POV shift. I love that we're learning so much about each character from their angles. It's an excellent way to wield this style, and it is quickly becoming one of my favourite nextgen stories, mainly (but not just) because of this.

It was really nice to get into Hugo's head :) I suspected that him and Alice would have something going on there, but I didn't quite have any hard evidence of it up until now. I feel a little more sorry for Ivy though. Because I can see Lily/Jimmy happening, and I can see Alice/Hugo happening, but she likes Al, and he isn't even in Hogwarts :(

That task that Hugo got assigned does sound incredibly dull. I mean, who wants to hang back and check the train when they can be riding to the castle in carriages with their friends, right? And it was so awkward with Kate there :p That being said, I felt something happen there. I could be gravely wrong though, but I feel like they'll become friends over the course of the year. Maybe Kate will even develop feelings for him. Or maybe I'm just seeing things ahead of time :p

I love how each character has a distinct voice. One risk that you can run with so many POV shifts is making every character sound the same, or similar. But over here, you've managed to give each of them their own individual voice. Like, in this chapter, it became clear how Hugo is more of a thinker and observer. He's very reflective. Also, not only did you manage to give him his own voice, you also managed to show us that you write male POVs just as well as female POVs, and that's a great skill to have! You truly understand your characters so well.

I love how you've described his feelings for Alice. Clearly things have changed over the summer, and he isn't sure what to make of it, or how to react to it. It's very sweet to see how deeply he cares for her. So many guys are too oblivious, but as I noted, Hugo is an observer, and it's nice to see how he catches every subtle hint in her behaviour. He just understands her so well, and gahhh &heart; it's already so sweet!

I'd guessed about the threstals by the time the chapter reached that point given how you'd built up to it. It was really well written and realisitc. Though they are lovely creatures, they're symbolic of something so negative, that it's only natural that there are people who fear them. I wonder whose death poor Alice had to witness though :( I feel quite sorry for her. I just hope that it isn't Augusta Longbottom. I love Augusta Longbottom . She seems so unbeatable. She came closer to immortality than Voldemort ever did :p Though, she wouldn't be my first guess. I'd think it was either Frank or Alice or both, and that's just as bad. I can't handle that, sorry. Or maybe it was someone on Hannah's side. I know it's just as bad for her, but atleast then it won't be a character I'm already attached to :p

Jimmy lightening the mood was great :) I also wasn't surprised when he didn't realise that all that Quidditch talk was boring Alice. It seems so in character, and I can imagine Oliver Wood being that way too. You know what though? Jiimmy may be my favourite so far, and we haven't even had a chapter from his point of view yet!

I don't think I'll ever stop gushing about how perfect your dialogue was ♥ You must teach me, Lauren. It's the best! And you always have a little bit of humour tucked away. I know that this was comparatively serious, but it still wasn't too overwhelming, you know?

All in all, you've done an amazing job, and I can't wait to read more. I can't get enough of this story!

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Review #40, by randomwriterRules of the Game: Boys Gossip Too

10th April 2015:
Lauren! :) BACK for for. CTF is giving me such a great chance to read this. This is for round five, by the way.

I have to admit, this stuff is your jam. There are so many nextgen stories like these, but there are few that I've enjoyed so much, and we're only in chapter two so far!

Okay, so you're rotating POVs (while keeping it in third person). This is interesting!It gives a very ensemble cast kind of feel where every character is important and has their own story. I don't see this being used much in fanfiction, to be honest. And that makes it all the more impressive. I also wonder why it is this way though. Because it can be such an effective tool for story telling!

I love how you've portrayed each individual character here. And in some cases, there's a bit of their parents in them. I was just thinking about how Jimmy's competitive urges must come from his dad before you mentioned it. I also love how Hugo is the resident chess champion of Hogwarts, and how he's thinking up plays in his head. Lily, in all her Quidditch captain glory, is a bit like harry in that regard. Then there's Alice, and I've never seen her written like this before! I know she's an OC, but so many people include her in their nextgen fics! Your take on her was so fun and refreshing :) And poor Ivy. I know that being head girl must come with a fair share of bitterness from those who lost out, but I'm really liking what you've written of her so far, and I hope that despite all the negativity, she has a good year in the end.

I like the little group you've got here as well. They seem well-balanced and fun, and I think that they're a bit mischievous as well, which is always nice to read about ;) I'm more excited about their year now that they have the cloak and the map. The potential speaks to me!

I think this chapter serves as an important public announcement as well because... BOYS DO GOSSIP. All the time, seriously. Who're they kidding when they act like they don't care, really? :p I loved how Ivy decided to use that piece of information to prove her point. It was rather clever of her.

The dialogue, once again, was amazing. I found myself smiling ad chuckling at a lot of different points. There's something that makes the dialogue seem very natural. Like, I can imagine a group of friends sitting in a compartment and just saying all these things, you know? It didn't feel strained at any point.

The flow of this chapter was also excellent, aided by the smooth dialogue. It wasn't choppy, and at no point did I feel that it was too much.

I love the exchange after the Hufflepuff captain comes into conversation. I think the interhouse dynamics within this group makes things rather interesting. Just to be clear, is Wood the only Ravenclaw out of them all? I'd love to know how they became a group, but since we're only in chapter two, maybe I'm speaking too soon :p The Hogsmeade incident also really caught my interest. I want to know what happened, and I hate waiting *pouts like a child*

The introduction of the map and the cloak just made this a whole lot more interesting. I love the idea of it being passed down from one sibling to another through their years. Possessing these two items is definitely like striking a gold mine, and it can make all the difference to their year. I hope they use it well, and I can't wait to read more on that front. Also, these two things were some of my favourite magical items. I've always wanted to own them :p So, it's a favourite really.

I'm shipping Lily/Jimmy so hard now, that I can't even tell you, really :p I want them to get together, and it's only the second chapter.

I'm so glad I've gotten to this now, Lauren, and I will be following it and pestering you for updates regularly. Great job, love ♥ favouriting.

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Review #41, by randomwriterBreathe: i. Consequence

9th April 2015:
Hey Kayla! Here for the Review Battle! Go Team #Red!

I was really excited for this when I saw the banner because I get excited by little things like the fact that I can read the Devanagari script, and I know that it says 'Saas Lena', which means 'To breathe'. Also, while I'm a firm believer in canon, and ship Remus/Tonks, I must admit that I am not too opposed to a well written Wolfstar even though it's not a ship a ship, if that makes sense?

This was a great start to the story. It was short, yes. But that's perhaps the beauty of it because you managed to get the reader the hooked. You've given away very little. But the details that you have given out have made me curious, and now I want to know so much more. So in terms of creating suspense and drawing the reader in, you've nailed it!

I felt so terrible for Sirius. whatever he has has done, if it caused the marauders to break apart, it must have been beyond serious. To me, the four of them are brothers, and I can't possibly imagine a universe where they're not, which is why this broke my heart extra hard.

Indian James is interesting, and more so to me because I do have a vested interest here. :p It's nice to see that you've included so much diversity in one fic. You're looking at both sexuality and race, and we're only on chapter one. I'm impressed!

I will admit that I'm one of those people who have that embarrassingly tropey headcanon about Sirius being a (straight) playboy. So this is interesting for me, and I think that it works well :) I love that you're writing about him though, because he's my favourite and I've always been a bit too terrified of writing him for the fear that I may butcher his character.

Anyway, back to the story. Snape is involved, eh? I have such a weird take on Snape, and I'm not going to get into that now. I do believe he's an excellent character to write about though, and there's so much potential, so I'm left wondering how you're going to wield him. What's interesting is that you're adding the whole equation of alternate sexuality in an environment where bigotry based on blood status and loyalty is already so rampant. I'd love to see where this goes from here.

I love the writing. It's simple, but it flows well. It isn't choppy or doesn't leave the reader feeling as if something is amiss. It reads so smoothly, and I think that there's great beauty in it's simplicity.

I really love how you progressed through this though. The part about writing a letter, especially to someone you care about to apologise for something grave, is never an easy process and you're always left thinking and wondering about what to say and how to say it. Letters help me, so I always write them even if I don't end up sending them. I guess, though, that sometimes just writing a letter doesn't suffice, and you're left groping in the dark until you get a response. So that part was realistic and I loved it. It was so relatable.

I'm interested to see how James responds, and how Remus comes into the picture. I hope the marauders get back to being themselves soon. As much a I hate (like detest) Peter, he's instrumental in this phase, so I hope to see how you go on with that. I'm also curious to learn more about the prank.

Overall, great story, and I'm excited to see more :)

Author's Response: Wow, Adi! Thanks for the amazing review! I think Kevin beat you to it in terms of the review battle, unfortunately :P But I really, really appreciate this review, so hopefully you don't feel that your time was wasted!

It appears that I didn't make something clear enough here, and that's what the prank was. It's meant to be what we Wolfstar shippers refer to as "The Prank" - the one Sirius played on Snape towards the end of their fifth year when he told him how to get past the Whomping Willow into the Shrieking Shack. Everyone who beta-ed this for me also ships Wolfstar, and I guess I didn't think about whether my intentions would be communicated clearly to someone who wasn't reading about this event constantly (It's sort of a trope in Wolfstar fics, actually). My bad. :$ If you have any ideas on how to clarify this in the text, I'd appreciate hearing them!

I too detest Peter :P Like I told Kevin, though, this story actually mainly explores the friendship between James and Sirius. Both Remus and Peter will eventually play minor roles, but they're not really going to be a focus at any point.

Also, I will say this - the Wolfstar in this is actually unrequited. So if you don't ship it, you don't have too much to fear!

I hope I didn't spoil anything for you with this response! I just wanted to clear things up, since it seems that I wasn't clear enough in-text.

Thank you SO much for this wonderful review! It really means a lot to me :)

-Kayla


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Review #42, by randomwriterJumble: HodgePodge

9th April 2015:
Hey Kaitlin. So I reviewed this, and the internet ate it up. It was a long one too. So instead of curling up into a ball and crying in the corner, I'm going to attempt to do this again.

I think this was a really refreshing one-shot. The idea is so unique. I haven't read something like this before, and I love the idea of Harry returning to Quidditch.

I loved how you started this off. It showed how Harry was still good at it, and that while he was confident, he was also uncertain. It's like getting back to a sport you're good at after a long time. You still need to get the feel of things before getting properly stuck in. You managed to write about it and make it sound so beautiful. That was amazing!

I love your choice of words and the phrasing. It makes the whole thing flow so naturally. It was such an easy read, and no point did I stop because of how it reads. I love that you took something that I think, is a little tricky to write about, and you did it in so few words, and so well, too!

Your characterisation of Harry was absolutely spot on. I know that it seems like there wasn't too much, in terms of character, to portray, but I beg to differ. You brought out Harry's love for flying so well. It's one true thing that was his. He loved it. He felt connected with the wizarding world when he was playing Quidditch. It was obvious that despite everything he was going through, Quidditch was his constant. It kept him sane. So obviously it meant a great deal to him. You've managed to portray how much he truly loves it here, and I'm in awe of how well you've done it!

I also think that you Oliver and Ginny really well. The ending was quite funny. The part about the hexes and being on opposing teams made me laugh out loud. It was the perfect way to end it. I can see Harry and wood joking about things like that, so if you wanted to follow this up with a one-shot of Harry's first practice, I wouldn't complain ;) (it's a hint :p)

I loved your descriptions. It was the best thing about this one-shot. Since you weren't actually writing about a match, describing the whole experience of flying in a vivid manner was key, and you nailed it. I love you how described the wind, and the quidditch pitch, and even the feeling of his skin against the broom. It really made a difference, because I could picture and feel everything so well. It's truly a mark of a great reader to be able to incite that in a reader, I think :)

I think, on a more personal note, this really rang true with me. I'm a swimmer. I stopped swimming regularly a few years ago, and as time went by, and as I got busier, it became more difficult for me to make time for it. Swimming is one of my greatest loves though, so whenever I manage to go to a pool, I feel such a huge sense of freedom, and in a way, it's the same feeling Harry experienced here. It's indescribable and you wrote it in such a realistic and relatable manner. I used to play other sports too, so there was a little bit of that as well in this :)

That word! Oh gosh, it must have been hard to use, but you managed to out it in there without making it seem awkward or out of place, so kudos :p I know I wouldn't have managed. I was lucky to get an easier word :p

I don't really have any CC for you. Just a suggestion. Maybe you could expand this just a tiny bit by focusing on his core emotions- like, nerves before lifting off, the exhilaration, the liberating feeling, etc. This is just a suggestion of course. You can take what you want from it :)

All in all, you've done a fantastic job. And I'm absolutely in love with this! ♥ well done.

(For the Red Vs Gold battle!
Go TEAM RED!)

Author's Response: Hi Adi,

Let me start by saying you leave the best reviews. I am constantly amazed by how detailed and thoughtful they are. Reviews in general make me happy, but yours are a whole nother level.

When I started writing this I was originally going to have a scene about his first time flying at school, but then I thought it might have become his release as an adult. I know that motorcycles are like that for me, so I figured it would be logical for Harry.

The fact that you thought the chapter read well and the choice of words were good really means a lot to me because you do such a beautiful job with description. I always feel like my descriptive passages pale in comparison.

I had to throw in a mention of Oliver and Ginny. I mean Oliver is the reason Harry is coming back to Quidditch and Ginny is the center of his life.

I hope that at some point you get a chance to get back into swimming. There's something special about having that type of a release through sports. I think it's very important.

The word was definitely a difficult one! I'm not going to lie. I really had to dig deep to figure out how to use it without making it too jarring. I'm glad that you think it didn't seem out of place.

Expanding on his emotions isn't a bad idea. Maybe when I go through and edit my different one-shots I'll do that.

Thank you so much for this review, Adi! It's certainly brightened my day!

~Kaitlin


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Review #43, by randomwriterStill Into You: Need you now

9th April 2015:
Hey Aditi. I'm here 300 days too late for our swap, and I hope you'll forgive me for that.

I will admit that this was a little difficult to really get into in the beginning. For one, I like this ship as an endgame pairing, but mostly because I felt that I'd seen this whole Teddy leaving Victoire plot before. But as I read on, I realised that this was nothing ordinary. You completely made it up with your great writing, and I loved (but hated) the ending. I definitely didn't see that coming!

I think you've done extremely well with recognising and understanding complex emotions here. I'm sure we're all familiar, on some level, with heartbreak. So I could understand her emptiness and need. I was quite surprised when I saw how much time had passed though. Three years is a long time to still be pining after someone. But as I thought about it more, I realised that it is perfectly plausible if you loved them this much. To top that off, Teddy was someone she'd had in her life since childhood, and to lose that, would pretty much be like severing all connection with familiarity, and that must hurt more than anything. The line where you said that she didn't know of a life without Teddy hit the nail right on the head.

Her reaction to the breakup was fairly realistic. Sometimes, it hurts so bad you cry for ages, but sometimes you feel hollow and numb and you don't really want to do anything with yourself or your time for a while. Hers was a killer (probably shouldn't use this word here) combination of both of them. I felt so bad for her for so many reasons,but mostly because she didn't seem to have any idea that it was coming. She seemed to think that they were fine, and when it comes out of the blue, I'd imagine it to be the worst.

I think the way you portrayed her slow disintegration from the breakup to the present very well. Even though you didn't do it in too many words, I think you managed to convey every emotion so perfectly. Perhaps the fact that it is short made it more compact and concentrated. It was very intense, but as a reader, it works well because it makes it very relatable and it helps us understand the character better.

One thing I really liked is that you strayed away from even bringing looks into the equation. Teddy and Victoire are often thought to be beautiful people, and I admit that they are even in my headcanon. Almost any Teddy/Victoire story ends up calling to attention how good looking they are. The fact that you didn't pull this one out was a refreshing change.

I really liked the symbolism of the dark near the end. Her seeking comfort in the dark was indicative of how she was spiraling into nothingness.The light hurting her eyes symbolised how she wasn't readying herself to attempt to move on and give life and happiness another chance. It's so very heartbreaking to see this.

The last bit with the potion was really creative. I'm always interested in things like these, and inventions. It's such an important part of fanon, going beyond what we see. I feel like it's the wizarding equivalent of drugs, so I can understand how grave it is that she's dependent on them, and why she hasn't told anyone about it. I really enjoyed that bit. It was so dark. The one thing I'd have liked is for more elaboration on how she felt when she was about to take the potion. The anticipation of relief? Or liberation from the pain? And then the crushing agony of overdose.

I loved how you kept describing snapshots and vignettes of how she sees Teddy in between all of this, through her thoughts. It was an effective medium to bring out her feelings of love that still linger, though it's still painful to read that she's going through so much.

One thing I'd suggest adding, if you'd like, is more on why the break up happened, Obviously it must have been a big decision for him, having to choose to of such an integral part of his life. But I understand if that isn't in the scope of this story. Also, maybe little snapshots of important moments together (just a line or two on each) interspersed in between, here and there, would enhance her pain and grief to the reader, and make it more angsty (muhahaha).

All that aside, I loved the flow and description and thought that you did a stellar job of rallying her story through this. The description was the main reason why this was so hard hitting.

Overall, great job :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I'm sorry for taking so long to respond!

I am glad you managed to get into this especially since you ship teddy/vic as endgame. I am pleased you found my writing so good, thank you!

It's great to know you could understand why Victoire felt the way she did and her depth of love and hurt. I am also happy to know that her reaction to the break up felt realistic. I've been through something similar and I tried to emulate that here. I am glad you could feel for her.

Ah yes, I've noticed the focus on looks in Teddy/Vic stories a lot too. For me, it's the inside that matters so my focus in this story was entirely on the emotion that Victoire is feeling, in the now.

It makes me so happy to see that you understood the symbolisation. I enjoyed writing that so it's good to be appreciated!

I saw the potion as an equivalent to drugs of sorts, yes. It definitely was dark and I liked exploring it so I'm glad to see you liked reading it too. I'll definitely take your comments into account and see if I can add more detail.

Yes, Teddy was present throughout in Vic's pain and I'm pleased you liked that addition.

I'll see if I can expand more into the break up and the snapshots. Thank you so much for your helpful comments!

Thank you!


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Review #44, by randomwriterAtonement Is Coming: A Shadowy Threat

8th April 2015:
Hey Kaitlin :)

I'm here (very late) for the review exchange. I was excited to be paired with you this month!

I love this chapter. You had me cooked from the word go. I think that the premise is really interesting, and the combination of an intriguing plot, spot-on characterisation and
good writing is more than enough to draw the reader in.

I was surprised by this, actually. We don't find stories like these very often. As I said, the premise is definitely interesting. The idea that there may still be some disturbance years after the war is very realistic, yet it hadn't crossed my mind up until now. It's also nice to see you taking a brave step and featuring a story in this time period. It took me so long to really appreciate the post-Hogwarts era as a writer, but this specific period is something I've never considered. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm impressed that you took this up, and you did an excellent job with it.

I've always been slightly apprehensive about writing about McGonagall. She's such a well established character, and all her mannerisms and speech patterns are so distinctive. Despite all that, I think you managed to get her almost completely right. Kingsley was also pretty well written. He was extremely professional, abut at the same time he treated McGonagall like an old friend, and I really picture them like that after the war. So I really do think you did a good job of characterisation.

The plot itself is slightly mind bowing. I love it. even though we're only a chapter in. I hope to see quick updates on this because I'm already hooked. As of now, it looks like there's a group of Ravenclaws, who are, of course, using their brains for what they believe is the greater good. They started off harmless, but are slowly growing more powerful and dangerous. It's funny because all these people are painted in a fairly good light in the books, in terms of their allegiance, if not personality. But here the tables seem to have turned completely, with them hunting down purebloods. It's interesting, and I'm curious to say the least. The phrase 'Atonement is Coming' is very ominous sounding, and it fits this so well.

This is a slightly unusual thing to touch upon, but I'm going to comment on it anyway. I think the length of this piece is perfect for enticing the readers. You've given us enough to get hooked, but not so much that it seems expository or overly informative. I think it's perfect for a prologue.

I love how easily this piece flows. So much has happened, and it's pretty heavy, but I couldn't stop reading, and there was no point where I paused because the sentences seemed choppy or forced. So good job on that. I love stories that read this well. I also really think you've included some great description here. It seems so natural, and it works so well here.

Now, I don't have concrete CC as such, but I do have some things you could perhaps take a look at.

For one, five years after the war seems a little late to be trying people for the first time. Maybe you could introduce a little bit about the procedure, and why it took so long. This is a trivial matter of course. And if you include something, don't go into to too much. Maybe just a side note?

Another thing to look at is that a lot of Ravenclaws come from pureblood families. I don't know if you're planning on targeting only Slytherin purebloods, but if you are, it may be worth a mention.

Another small nitpicky thing that I have is how you used the word 'graffiti'. This is completely personal, so feel free to ignore me, but I don't feel like McGonagall would use that word. I feel as if she would describe it differently :p

Lastly, in the end, calling the imposters 'Fake Minerva' and 'Fake Kinglsey' took away from the serious a little bit. Maybe just calling them Minver and Kigsley, or Penelope and Roger, or maybe imposters would work better.

All this aside, I think you've done the most excellent job, and I'm so excited for more. can't wait! ♥ I'm glad I got a chance to read this!

Author's Response: Hey Adi,

Don't worry about being late on the review. It happens to the best of us. Life always has a way of preventing us from doing things when we mean to.

I actually love this particular era. I find 5 years after the war ends to be the most interesting because for the most part people are starting to move on and re-adjust to life, but it's still recent enough that there are underlying issues.

Kingsley is one of my favorite characters to write, so this was fun for me. I've always pictured him as a bit more formal, but still kind of a cool guy. McGonagall is definitely a bit of a challenge. As readers we know her really well from the books, so I was nervous about trying to keep that up.

As for their relationship with each other, I've always imagined that there would be a lot of mutual respect between the two of them. War and tragedy has a way of bonding people and I imagine them very much bonded over their loses and the horror they've witnessed. I think since I picture McGonagall as being significantly older than Kingsley, I imagine her popping in to give him advice, kind of how Dumbledore did with Fudge in the beginning, except that Kingsley is more willing to hear it.

The mysterious group hunting down Purebloods is definitely comprised of some Ravenclaws, but there are people from other houses too. They just haven't made their appearances yet. You may be surprised by who turns out to be in the group! I have been looking into which students come from Pureblood families, but I will point out that there were several Death Eaters who were not 100% Pureblood...Lord Voldemort himself included.

I'm glad that the flow and length of the story work well for you. Originally chapter 1 & 2 were just one whole chapter and it seemed to be really awkward. I think splitting it up really helped. Going forward each chapter will focus on the things that are happening in specific locations. It will kind of rotate between all of the different going ons.

Your note about the word graffiti is noted. I honestly am not very familiar with how Brits speak. I've only met a very few in my life, so I'm not quite sure what an older British woman might say in that case. Where I live, it's often called tagging, but that sounds like something a younger person would say to me. I guess I'll have to do a bit of research.

I'll have to think about how to address the imposters. I thought it sounded a bit clunky myself, but since the real Kingsley and Minerva will be appearing regularly in the story I thought it might get too confusing if I didn't identify them somehow.

Thank you for another spectacular review Adi! They are always so helpful and give me so much to think about. I really appreciate all of the detail you go into!

~Kaitlin


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Review #45, by randomwriterHow I Met Your Father: Chapter 3: Fred's Got a Secret

6th April 2015:
*attack*

Wow. I'm marathon-ing your work, right Lizzie? ;)

So, what can I say about this chapter? (Seriously, my fingers feel like they're about to fall off from all this typing).

Anyway, one thing that I'd really like to say again (forgive me, I'm sure I sound like a parrot) is that Rose is definitely acting less freaked out than she should be. She's only sixteen, and getting pregnant is sort of a big deal. So I'd like to see a lot more chaos on that side of things. :p

Coming to James and Fred, I'm a bit weary of the whole butterflies prank. I seriously hope they were dead first. I'd hate it if he killed them and then pinned them to her bedpost!

Fred seems pretty cool. I think it was sweet, the way he went into over-protective bug brother mode with Roxanne. The blood and dung thing sounded disgusting. And it's sad too, the reason. She should be able to go out with whoever she likes.

The ending was a complete surprise. You literally dropped a bombshell on us! I never expected Fred to like Alice. This certainly puts a new spin on things!

Since I need to get a move on, I can't elaborate on everything, but some of my CC stands. In addition to that, I'd like to see you write the characters in a more well-rounded manner, if that makes sense. Everything seems a bit too perfect right now.

Sorry I'm hurrying, but there is no choice at the moment. SERIOUSLY, where IS the damn flag? :p I'll see you soon on another chapter, most likely. :p

Author's Response: Hehehehe! Hi Adi!

*more parroting* Yup. Rose'll freak out. Don't worry. It's intentional, I promise. It's going to reach a point where REAL chaos reigns and everything goes to hell.

Basically, reality is a *bleep*.

Fred didn't do anything for the prank with the butterflies! Why does everyone include him in that? That was all JAMES!

Fred's not THAT mean. I mean, he didn't put those boys in detention. He doesn't have the heart to be that mean. Mischievous? Yes. Mean? No.

And yes, the butterflies were dead. (He stole them from someone's collection - can't say, spoilers!)

Mm, Fred and Alice, Alice and Albus...ah, wait till later. Some serious...ahem...stuff, is going to go down.

Ah! You caught that it's all a little TOO PERFECT. Yup. Also intentional.

Thanks for the reviews Adi! I'm glad you're still reading!
LL


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Review #46, by randomwriterHow I Met Your Father: Chapter 4: A Close Call and a...Kiss?

6th April 2015:
*attack post*

Hahaha, Lizzie! Your author's note. LOL. Thankfully, I will not be doing any consulting. So that really wasn't much of a cliffhanger for me.

Moving on to the chapter, I really enjoyed this one in particular. I suspect it has a lot to do with all the Scorpius/Rose interaction. I love them too much, and I love that they're already so sweet with each other! I still do think that Scorpius could freak out a little bit though. But well, it's your story. :p

I like how easy going they both are with each other. Conversation is flowing quite easily and they seem to be very comfortable with each other, which is always a good thing. Especially because they're having a baby, you know? :p One thing I would note is that they seem way to knowledgeable about their position and their options, which I suspect wouldn't be the case even for pregnant couples their age. If you could add some confusion or some sort of uncertainty, it would make this more realistic.

The part with James really cracked me up. The infamous James Potter, no match for a flight of stairs! And Scorpius made a really clever save there. I was impressed!

I absolutely adored the last section, but I wish you hadn't ended it so soon. It was adorable, and especially vivid. The idea of the list is very unique. I don't think I've read it before. It's a really nice idea though, and I like it. I can guess what #1 could be though ;) Also, is Lia going to get together with James?

Anyhoo, can't stick around for too long right now. Good job again, Lizzie, and I'll see you when we capture the flag ♥

Author's Response: Adi! *happy dances*

I'm so VERY happy you didn't need to do any consulting. It's good to know you've got the birds and the bees figured out.

Hmmm...I'm gonna have to think about them knowing so much about their options. I guess I'm basing their knowledge on what I knew at 16, you know? We had a really intensive sex ed program the first year of high school, so by 16, I knew a LOT. Maybe you're right..more questions, less answers.

Scorpius' freak out...I dunno, it just doesn't fit him. Well...the freakout that I have in my head happens much earlier, which won't get explained until later in the story (because I like doing things in the wrong order).

This is the chapter where I tell everyone that maybe not everything is as it seems. Hehehehehe.

Ah, James. A complete idiot. A lovable fool. Grade A jerk. He's a lot of things, and most make me laugh.

The last section is the most important part! That's why it's so short! Once again...maybe everything is not what it seems!

I do like the list though. I need to remember to bring that back.

Lia and James. Oh, that's a fun adventure. ;)

Thanks again for your reviews Adi! They make me smile every time!
LL


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Review #47, by randomwriterHow I Met Your Father: Chapter 2: The Hospital Wing

6th April 2015:
*attack*

Hey again Lizzie! I'm back! Just wondering how soon you're going to get sick of me. Just give me the flag already? :p

Haha, okay. Jokes aside. I'm glad I'm back to read more. I just had one small question. I don't know if it's a bit unnecessary, but how exactly does Scorpius have a hunch that Rose is pregnant before she herself knows?

Anyway, that aside, this was a really interesting chapter. As you'd mentioned at the start, it's where things really kick off. I felt so sorry for Rose. She mnust have been so terrified, and what with all the crying and the morning sickness and everything? I can't imagine having to deal with that at the tender age of 16!

I must say that I was a little surprised to see how calm everyone was about it, especially Scorpius. I'd imagine he'd be freaking out the most (apart from Rose). That'd be more realistic. But maybe he's had time to prepare himself since he had suspected it for longer? I don't really know about that :p

I loved Rose's friends. Dom and Lia and really great! Dom was a little too sweet for my liking (meaning that if I met her in real life, I'd probably get a bit ticked off), but her presence really worked well in the story. I really liked Lia though. I can tell that I'd totally get along with her if she was real. Snarky, daring, reckless and a little cunning... sounds good to me!

Al was also really cool. His relationship with Rose fits completely with my headcanon, so that was pretty cool. I'm not the biggest fan of corny nicknames, so I might have hexed him if he'd used something like that on me, but Rose seemed to like it, so well.

Finally, I absolutely loved that reflective section where Rose is just evaluating her position and thinking of what will happen when each of them find out. It was so insightful. I enjoyed that bit.

As for CC, I the stuff I pointed out previously stands. There were also some issues with the dialogue tags. But the main problem for me was that I felt that McGonagall was out of character.

If you want any more details or clarifications, fell free to shoot me a PM. I must move on now, in search of the flag. :p

A pleasure, as always, Lizzie!

Author's Response: Adi!

You're back! I love your reviews! They make me so happy!

Well, to start off...I'm afraid I'll have to tell you that Scorpius suspecting Rose is pregnant before she does is sort of a...complicated scenario. It makes sense later. Although I think I'll have to do some more clarification on that in my edits.

I think Scorpius isn't freaking out as much because it's not really in his character (as I've imagined it). I think you'll find that he's not really one to become particularly flustered or panicky. His way of freaking out involves taking a walk and just thinking quietly for a while.

Rose's panic doesn't set in until MUCH later. Like, it's-way-too-late-for-you-to-be-panicking-about-this-now, later. Once again, I should probably do a little bit of clarification there.

Dom and Lia are some of my favorites! I think of Dom as a bit of a walking contradiction. She's always doing something that contradicts what you already know about her...which sort of keeps you on your toes. But Lia is solid, and doesn't do much changing, but is pretty firm in that snarky character that she is.

Lia is my absolute favorite really. I think I work really hard to give her all my favorite little lines and scenarios. She's loads of fun to write!

Al's corny nicknames...ugh. I don't like them either. Normally Rose would hex him too, but she's too distracted by what's going on to care.

Yeah, McGonagall. She's the reason why this is my second least favorite chapter. I can't seem to get her character right! I'm going to have to do some more editing, and work with my beta...

Thanks again Adi! You're awesome!!
LL


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Review #48, by randomwriterHow I Met Your Father: Chapter 1: The Weasley Clan

6th April 2015:
*attack*

hey Lizzie! Having read the first chapter of this, I knew that I would be back for the second one at some point. Unfortunately, I can't be as detailed as I'd like since we're looking for a flag at the moment. But I'm willing to trade ;) Give me the flag, and I'll leave you the review I want to. *sigh*

Okay, so I was quite amused and surprised that vania hadn't actually figured it out. The math isn't too hard to do :p Maybe she trusted her parents that much. Lol.

I love your little introduction of each character. It's like a crash course in nextgen, or a brief refresher :p I also love how you described Charlie. He's always the coolest, isn't he? ;) I also absolutely love that Fred II was born on Fool's Day, though it does break my heart a little. I'm never going to get over Fred's death!

I love how vania has these little quips in between to keep her mother from digressing too much. It's so typical of any mother-daughter interaction! I definitely chuckled a bit. I especially loved the bit where Rose childishly badmouths Lucy and Molly. It's so common in nextgen fics, but it's funny how you brought it out here. I also really like the descriptions you've given of each of the grandchildren. It gives us a glimpse into their dynamic.

Al squared couple. HAHAHA. I laughed at that too. Seriously, Lizzie, you cracked me up in so many places that if I keep listing them all out, I'm going to run out of space.

“Wait? A rivalry? Between Gramps and Grandfather? But they love hanging out together! They’re always joking and having a good time!” Val looked shocked. WHAT!!
I was so shocked at this bit, seriously!

That ending was so sweet! The kiss bit :) Oh gosh, I'm really enjoying this story, Lizzie!

As for CC, I'll try to wrap this up quickly.
-there was some confusion with who/whom
-I spotted some grammatical and punctuation errors, which you can fix with the help of your post-beta ;)
-The tenses ended up intermingling a little bit when they weren't supposed to.

In addition to this, I suggest you add some more description. Your dialogue is set though :) Great work! ♥

Author's Response: ADI!

You're the bomb dot com. Have I ever mentioned that? 'Cause you are.

Val has never really done the math because she's always been told that she was born after they graduated from Hogwarts, and (being a typical teenager) she doesn't actually remember what years her parents were born in, so she didn't do the math as to how old they were when she was born. Also, there's a reason why nobody else, in the family or otherwise, has told her (why? not telling! You'll have to read on, sorry!)

I definitely wanted there to be some sort of crash course on the extended Weasley family here, but I think it still comes off as a bit much...I think there will be some editing that will happen, which will be a good time to fix some of the other errors you mentioned!!

Fred II being born on April fools actually comes from Rowling, I can't lay claim to that one. Can't remember where I got that. Maybe Pottermore? Maybe I'm imagining things.

The more I've written of this story, the more I've found Val has to say. Originally, I had no intention of having her really have a lot of commentary throughout the story, but there are moments that I've discovered are perfect opportunities for a teenage girl to laugh at her parents and their story.

Who wouldn't badmouth Molly and Lucy? I mean, some people do a great job with them, but I just don't like Percy, and by default don't like them, and I already have a HUGE cast of characters I'm working with. Easier to badmouth them and pretty much ignore them most of the time.

I'm SO glad you laughed and found different moments funny! It's one of the things I'm really most self-conscious about when writing. i LOVE humor, and like to think of myself as a funny person and a funny writer, but the biggest problem with writing is overthinking the humor and fearing that readers won't think it's as funny as you do.

Oh yeah, Ron and Draco come to an understanding. Hakuna Matata style. (I'm not even joking here. That's how it's gonna go down.)

The kiss...yeah. I'm made of cheese. That's all I can say.

Thanks again for R&R'ing! It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy!!
LL


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Review #49, by randomwriterMeeting Norberta: Reunion

6th April 2015:
*attack post*

Hey Lauren! Don't mind me. Just searching for a flag. Hand it over if you see it, won't you? ;)

Jokes aside, I don't know why I haven't read this before. It was such a heartwarming one-shot. Even though it was short, it spoke volumes, and I really think you managed to convey a lot despite the word limit.

I am awestruck by your marvellous characterisation of Hagrid. I always shy away from writing him because I think he's one of the harder canon characters to nail, especially because of his speech pattern. But you got that perfectly. Even his mannerisms were so in sync with what we know of him from canon. I could see Hagrid doing all those things and behaving like that. The ending of this too was so in line with his character. I was amazed, really. I'd never have been able to write him so well. *bows* In addition to all this, you really managed to capture his childlike mannerisms and blatant disregard for safety (sacrifice for the creature) so well.

I loved how you wrote Norberta as well! Throughout this, you kept repeating how Hagrid felt that they were misunderstood creatures. But you really showed us that in the last scene of this. I love that she remembers Hagrid. It shows the kind of bond animals and people end up building. As an animal lover, I felt my heart break when they were shooting spells at her, but I was so relieved and happy when Hagrid stepped in. So what if it's mental, right? ;) In many ways, her loyalty and recollection reminded me of how dogs are with humans.

I loved the descriptions you've used. The first part with the sky, and eve later, when you described Norberta. It was so simple, but extremely well done. I could picture exactly what was happening in the story. It was a delight to read!

I would love to see you expand this to maybe a short story or something? Maybe one chapter to cover each day of his stay at the reserve? It'd be really nice to see how Hagrid feels around so many dragons, and I'm sure we all would love to read about his adventures with them!

Anyhoo, great job with this, Lauren ♥ I loved it! Sorry, but I need to take your leave now. I'm still looking for the flag, rememeber? ;)

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Review #50, by randomwriterUgly Eloise: Chapter 1

22nd March 2015:
Hey there Kaitlin! :) I wanted to leave a review for everyone on the Quidditch team as a way of thanks, and that brought me here. I was going to read one of your newer stories, but I've been reading too much angst, and I'm always writing too much angst, and I wanted to read something light and happy and this seemed to fit the brief.

Honestly, I'm really glad I picked this up to read. You've dealt with some very important themes, and I really like how you haven't gone the conventionally serious route here.

I can't say that I've ever read a story about Eloise, or Justin before, let alone together! And I'm a huuge fan of minor characters and rare pairs, so I was really excited by this. It probably would never have struck me, actually. To ship them, but you know what? It works. I like how even though Eloise is shy and under confident, Justin urges her to come out of her shell. He's so gentle and understanding with her. They're certainly a great fit!

While we're on the matter of characterisation, I think that we can treat both Eloise and Justin as OCs since we don't know much about them. I genuinely felt bad for Eloise here. She must have really poor self esteem, but I don't even blame her there. A lot of girls struggle with their looks and it makes them feel so inadequate that they don't even have the strength in them to stand up for themselves. I feel like you dealt with that aspect very well. Another thing I liked about your portrayal of Eloise was that it was very realistically done. She hears of her inadequacy so often that she has come to believe it herself here, and that's something that happens in real life. I felt so sorry for her and they way she just wanted to be invisible.

As for Justin, I really loved him ♥ If you've read 'Keep Calm and Carry On', you'll know that Justin is characterised as a pompous boy, very much like Ernie, actually. And it had sort of become my headcanon. But reading this was such a refreshing change. I liked how sweet he was here, and it was really nice to see him treat Eloise like an actual person. Just an evening of company and respect helped her so much. I hope you write a sequel to this because I want to see Justin being awkward and sweet with her. I think it'd be smile worthy, and I'm not much good with fluff, so you totally should write it :p Anyway, I can see why Justin is a Hufflepuff. And I'm glad he acted the way he did.

Pansy was ugh. I've always hated her with a burning passion, and over here, it was no less. What an absolutely nasty creature. I don't think anymore needs to be said other than that you nailed her characterisation perfectly.

I liked the plot. Usually, stories that deal with serious issues are very descriptive, angsty and serious. But I like that you chose to make it light and positive. It's effective on a different level. I was a bit worried that Justin might be pranking her at one point, but I was so relieved to see that he wasn't.

This is a very well written piece. I didn't see any errors, and it flowed quite nicely. It was an easy read, and I didn't have to stop to figure something our or because something was unclear. So well done on that! :)

As for CC, I don't really have criticism, but I can attempt at giving you a constructive suggestion. I think you could be a little more descriptive and give us more of a build up. Also, adding more dialogue between Eloise and Justin wouldn't hurt. Just some casual and fun conversation to show us that they'd bonded or something, maybe?

That's about it with the suggestions. I applaud you for tackling such an important theme. It's so relevant in our world where beauty is seemingly unattainable and there are people who still strive to reach unrealistic goals bolstered by media portrayals. In that sense, Elise struggle and Pansy's bullying was just a figment, a small part, that stood to symbolise a whole issue. Well done on that!

Great job with this story, Kaitlin, and I'm glad that I got the chance to read it! It was a pleasure playing Quidditch with you ♥

Author's Response: Hi Adi,

I totally get the need to read something a bit lighter. I actually fall into similar habits with reading and writing mostly angsty stuff. This piece here is literally the only really fluffy type story I've ever written.

I know that Justin and Eloise stories are rare and their ship is non-existent, but there was just something that really made me want to write about Eloise. I really hated that in the series she was only ever known as a joke because of her acne.

The self esteem issue was really important to me because as you said, so many women struggle with their image. Because Eloise has been so terribly bullied she is unable to see any worth in herself and I felt like that's something I witnessed in a lot of my friends growing up.

As for Justin, I've never read anything about him either, but in my mind I just imagine him being a nice person. Maybe because my best friend is named Justin? Either way, I figured he's a Hufflepuff for a reason, so I wanted to show him being what Eloise needed.

The plot was interesting for me. It was hared to try and keep it light...and it definitely swerves into the angsty stuff in the beginning, but overall I wanted it to be happy.

I appreciate your cc on the dialogue. Once I get my next short-story for The Trope Challenge finished, I plan to go through all of my existing work and edit, tweak, and adjust based on some of the suggestions I've received.

Thank you so much for such a lovely, detailed review! I always look forward to getting reviews from you! Thanks for being such an awesome teammate!

~Kaitlin


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