"...stood out in her tan face." it should be "tanned", just a small thing!
I like the idea of the one-shot, but it seems to me like you are trying to get a whole story cooked down to only a thousand words, and that is too bad. In a story like this I think you should concetrate on the mourning girl, instead of what happened to everyone.
The strongest parts of the story are when she shifts between being angry with Harry and missing him, that really spoke to me (almost cried at one point.).
You mentioned the Weasley, Hermione and some other people we know of, but who is her mother?? I couldn’t help but wonder about that.
Ron seems like a character you are comfotable writing, it is really too bad you didn’t use him more... I think it confused me because you seemed to be in the mind of both Danica and Ron, I would have choosen one and stuck with it. Actually, the more I thimk about it, the more I like the thought of seeing it from Rons point of view, then you could have all the background story and still hearing Danica talk to her dead father... It is just a thought!
Well all in all I like the story and the plot, but I think you could have given us more... am I totally off base here?
Accept for that one little thing I mentioned in the beginning, I saw no gramma mistakes or anything of the sort... You did a great job with that! To be perfectly honest, I think this would make a great chaptered fic, but maybe that is not what you want to do...
Thank you for a good read; Heidi
Author's Response: Thanks, and actually, there is a chaptered version of it, a sort of continuation of it, it's called 'Moving On' so yeah. Her mother was not important, just someone Harry met after Hogwarts. I'll fix the tan thingy. I'm sort of rewriting it, and it probably will be from Ron's PoV. He'd just have to get there earlier, which is no problem. I'm really glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing! -sarah Report Review
Hallo Step! Ok, here it goes... gramma wise, your story seems flawless to me, very good, it helps me focuse more on the plot!... I like your take on Draco's misery, but I feel like something is missing; let me give you an example: "I could feel tears warming my pale cheeks" I would tell more about his feeling and not so much about the fact that he has tears running down his cheeks... like this maybe: "A lump formed in my throat, desperatly trying to hold back the tears I only sobbed more when they finally came. I couldn't hold it in, not when I was alone, not when my only witness was me. I couldn't hide from me. The tears were warming my cheeks. This..." One thing I also noticed was that you use "I" a lot in the beginning of your sentences, I know it is easy to do so, but try and refraise some og them.... example: instead of "I dried away my tears, amd..." It could say: "Drying away my tears, I..." ------------------------ Another thing; I really like your portrail of Narcissa, she complains about him hurting her, but seems to regret it when she sees how Lucius acts... For me that is very believable... she is a bit hysterical and I could see her get wotked up over some little thing, but then want to take it back or even help Draco... if she wasn't so scared of Lucius... And speaking of Lucius... he seemed a bit OOC when he spoke... your descriptions of him were very good, but in my head he is a bit more subtle when speaking... maybe not using words like "<<tag not allowed="red">tag not allowed="red">censored" "damn" and "stupid".... Keep in mind that this is just a personal view of him... well that is often what a review is... right? Welll I hope you can use some of this! And just to be clear; all in all I really liked your story! Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Wow, it's long. I'll try to fix the things you pointed out, thanks for the cc! Report Review
It really is worth it... I found this chapter inspired... In the beginnig you seem to have some trouble with mixing dialogue and description, but the as you begin Cats and Sirius' talk it reaches your narmel standerd!! Nevertheless I liked the Diagon Alley part because it lightened the mood before we had to deal with something serious... Well done! I have one little thing: "The shoppers seem to fall under a trance" it should, as far as I can tell, be "seemed"...a typo right?! Author's Response: Thanks so much! Report Review
Even better! and a bit of background... yeah! just disregard my last request! Ok this was really great, Ron is a bit on the stupid side... slightly too much for me, but that is your call! I will try to keep up with this, otherwise feel free to PM me when you have a new chapter out! This story reminds me a little bit of Artemis Fowl in the structure (that is a complement!) Well at the rate this is going I should be looking forward to the next chapter, until now it has gotten better and better!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad it gets better and better! I know Ron seems a bit stupid but I don't know how much he should know about the muggle world. Do wizards and witches know about nuclear bombs and guns? LoL... I'll try to brighten Ron up as much as I can. Maybe I'll make Hermione give him a crash course on all things muggle. Artemis Fowl? What's that? Since that's a complement, I say thank you so very much! Report Review
Hm... again interesting! I find our beloved trio to be a little OOC but that is probably only because of your somewhat rough language at times... (hehe) I liked this chapter a lot better than the first one, not as many mistakes it reads a lot easyer! You sometimes have a bit of past-present confusion but nothing that a beta wouldn't snatch right up! All in alll this is looking quite promising... ifyou have the time, could you PM me on the forums with a short explenation of "Recident Evil" I have no clue what it is all about! Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out, I don't want anything OOC and I'll definitely work on the past-present confusion. Better yet, I'll try to get a Beta reader to proof-read for me. I greatly appreciate all your suggestions and will be taking it to the heart! LoL. Oh, about the short explanation, I'll send one right over to you. Report Review
Ok... very different, I have never seen "Recident Evil" so I am a bit confused... You writing is good, but you have a long section were you have almost no descrtiption and that is too bad... One more thing; sometimes you repeat yourself a bit like: "The only other sounds that could also be heard" Do you see it? you don't have to use both "other" and "also" it provides the same thing. Here is another example (a bit different): "Not even the scurrying of a frightened rat or the moaning of the undead calling for them couldn’t bring their attention at hand." You souldn't have both "Not even" and "Couldn't" in there, they even eachother out!
Other than those little things you are in great shape, the overall structure and gramma is very good!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks... you'd make a good candidate for a Beta reader. Would you mind? Anyway, thanks so much for your review. I've been meaning to go over the chapters with a fine comb and re-edit a few things but I tend to zone out, especially after I read the chapter like 8 or 9 times. Thanks again! Report Review
This is a really good chapter, it explains a lot. The fact that she is honest with him is very important, Sirius has enough deceat in his life, he needs something real. I can't believe she kissed Lucius, but I can see the pull you mention... It is alwayslike that in real life as well, I mean, that kind of boy... Lucius, Draco and Tom Riddle, everybody is drawn to types like that with strong emotions... Hate, love, lust... something! ------------- Should I believe Sirius when he said he didn't want to kiss her? The first thing I thought was; Liar! but then I figured that maybe he doesn't think of her that way, or maybe he just doesn't know it yet? Well keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
"I'm... Pain! Loads of pain" - that's just like in "A Knights Tale"... cool! This was a beautifull chapter, I really like the fact that you are taking your time with them, not rushing the relationship! Very unique idea about the "Blue Room" I like it... that means not even Fred and George can know everything about the school, and that also explains why Dumbledore said that he found new things all of the time! This is really great! I can't wait for an update (well I will have to!) Oh and thank you for telling me about the update, I had actually missed two chapters! ARGH that can never happen again! Author's Response: Aya, I forgot to mention that Ron's line... the idea is from Firefly and it's a bit similar to Wash's reaction to something or other, I can't remember the exact scene. I have to remember to add that disclaimer there. It was just so Ron and I had to use that. I really didn't remember Knight's Tale had that too. :) I loved that movie. Must remember to add it. I always forget to mention these small things that inspire me... Thank you for the wonderful review. :) Report Review
OH , I love this, especially Harry, he was so mature and grounded, and for the first time he seemed to get "it". By accepting Draco now, this way, maybe he could help make him "good"... I mean I could never see Lucius saying "I can live with that" if Draco said that he wasn't sure of the Dark Lord... Amadeus is such a great character, I hope he is allright! -----“I mean, we’re being separated. No more magic together.” I laughed so hard when I read this... well on to the next chapter... I just love this story... Author's Response: It means a lot to me that you liked this. :) And I'm extremely happy that you like Amadeus. I adore him and I would like to write an OC story of him someday. :) Thank you, dear. Report Review
"Or the self absorbed brat from hell" Ha! that is what I call a seer... and at such a young age, his mother must be proud... I really enjoied this chapter. I like the way we slowly see Sirius drifting away from his family, little by little, inch by inch, nicely done! And Narcissa she is just as I pictured her! One thing I really liked was the way Narcissa talked to him when she was on orders from "someone". The way you discribe, from the inside, what is so special about being a Pureblood, we never hear that in cannon! Well thank you for a great story so far, now that I have catched up I will stick with it, it is so wonderfull! HeidiAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Cat was a bit "teenage" in this chapter, but I kind of liked it, she always seems so grown up and it is nice to see her get exited about the little things sometimes... Lucius was perfect in this chapter, how he just brushed over the fact that he had done something so horrid to Sirius was great... I am glad Sirius chose to help his brother, I wouldn't have expected anything less of him... I have been wondering; what kind of timeframe do you tend to put this fic in (if you even know...?) Is it only going to be his first year or is it going to be catching up to Reckless at some point?? On that note; it is really nice to get some backstory on Cat!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I don't mind the jump at all, we know a lot about how Hogwarts is and well, even though these are different people it is kind of the same... I love to read your thoughts of Sirius' home life and am looking forward to the next chapter... I didn't find any little mistakes in this one, maybe I am loosing my touch or maybee you are just that good?! I like your James, he seems like a cross between the Weasley Twins and Ron... I like that, I pictured him smarter though, but they are only in their first year! Well that was it for this chapter I think... I'll take the next one tonight!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
"...He’s sitting her bleeding to death and – " it should be here.. right? Ok as for the "real" review; As always I love your writing style, the thing I found particularly good was his uncles reaction to this. You handled this chapter well, even though I didn't quite get why Cat was so upset... maybe I am just slow! I almost forgot: Sirius’ eyes darkened. “Even a half dozen of ‘em.”
That was great, very forshadowing , explaining a lot of his later behavior!
Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Poor Sirius, I really hate Lucius! This was a good, wellwritten chapter as always. I liked the introduction of Lily and Peter adn I am looking forward to say hallo to Remus! I have a few things to correct (I think, sometimes I'm wrong of course!); “oafs were trying to make him to eat owl droppings.” Isn't there a "to" to much? and; "Neither James nor Sirius were exciting at the prospect of..." Shouldn't it be "excited" instead of exciting? Well on to the next chapter... I have a bit of catching up to do! - HeidiAuthor's Response: Thank you! Report Review
I can’t wait to see how you handle the whole “getting in to Gryffindor” thing... I just know it is going to be good! This was a really strong chapter, I loved Sirius’ talk with his uncle especially these two fraises: “He knew his uncle cared for him, perhaps even loved him if there was such a thing.” and ““I think we’re no better than anybody else.” Sirius lowered his voice. “In fact, half the time I think we’re worse.”” They really captured the essence of his problems I think. This is really well written and I must say that I am a bit worried about Cat, now that Sirius is leaving! So she wasn’t his cousin... I’m glad! The fact that you already mention Voldemort is very good, I think it is important that he builds up to be more and more powerfull, and not just emerges out of nowhere... Well good job, as usual!Author's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
Oh, I love this... It is so sad that he has to leave her to go to Hogwarts, but she is strong, she can handle it right? I am beginning to wonder how old she is, a bit older than him... thirteen? She treats him (as Sirius mentions) as a child, a little kid, sometimes so I imagine her older... Ok a sentence I really lover here was-----> “I’m old enough to know you’ve lost your mum and your freedom in one day and you’re afraid you’ll never have another friend again.”*****************“A vague idea tugged at Sirius, but he just couldn’t place it.” This sounds important! How well did Sirius’ uncle know Cats mum? I don’t think he is her father I mean then she would be a witch right? (or a squib, but that is not that common...) I am really wondering about this! -- HidurasAuthor's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
Hey Timeturner! So I am finally reviewing this fic and I must say it is great... The first chapter was very intriguing, I like Cat she matches Sirius wonderfully. As always you writting is good and I think you have found a great balance, it suits your wording (if that makes any sence??) I found one little mistake, I think, but it could be that I am just not familiar with this sentence stucture... if that is the case, just ignore me!------> “...they’d more be more than happy to take a substitute.” I just thought that there was a ‘more’ to much in there...Oh and finally for my favorite little part that says a lot about both Sirius and Cat: ----->“Ten, almost eleven.” “You don’t act ten, almost eleven.”Author's Response: Thank you!! Report Review
That was a fun sweet little fic! it wasn't totally in cannon but hey, that is not that important when we are talking about humor fanfic! I really liked this side of Hermione! She was great! I couldn't see imagin her not knowing the names of the people in her own familie but it added an even funnier twist to things! "I can’t remember his name, though. Oh well. For sake’s purpose we’ll just call him Joe." That was fun!! I liked Joe!
Well nicely done...
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! I know Hermione was OOC, but as the books portray, she is slowly becoming more layed back (though still pretty uptight all the same). I was playing on the fact that they are a number of years older and hopefully she'd be only minorly anal-retentive by then, but still, it is a long stretch. Report Review
that's sweet... short not quite enough description but really sweet... Maybe a couple of flasbacks would do this fic some good! It has good real potential, it just need a bit more attention, and don't be so hard on yourself! If this was just something you whipped up, you can be proud...Author's Response: lol....ok thats good advice, I'll see what I can do if I ever have the time. thanx for the review ^_^ Report Review
It seems a little rough around the edges to be frank. It is a good idea for a one-shot but you badly need a beta to pick up on the small things (my work was saved the day I got a beta!) I have some comments to give you just now, there is a pasage where I would like to give you an impresion of what I mean: Lily lifted her son towards the light blue october sky and whirled him around her midst with a smile placed defiantly upon her face. The worries were hidden, for now. She placed her son gently in his crib and leaned over his tiny fragile body. Placing a soft kiss on his forehead she silently tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear. As she turned to leave her head whipped around facing the window. She could have sworn somebody was present, a mothers intuition. Realizing nobody was outside she figured that going into hiding was making her a bit jumpy. They were safe though…They had him as their secret keeper.-------------- Do you see what I mean? sometimes it helpes to have someone else look it over, just to catch thoose little things! But I will say one thing, it is a very goog idea and an interesting one... Peter often gets overlooked. One more thing... you write:“What have done?” Came the harsh and threatening..... It should be "What have you done?" --- right..!?
Hallo again... What I have said in the other reviews still goes for this chapte, but I find this style of writing frsh, I really like it! quote: I never thought you would write me an entire letter all about James Potter!
Author's Response: thanku for all your reveiws...i hope u will keep reading and reveiwing even tho u don't have to... and i'm glad im "fresh" thanks for the compliment! Report Review
Ok for the real review... I just wanted to say: nice tell about the rat! Author's Response: i wondered if anybody would realize what i meant... :) Report Review
WOW!Author's Response: THANKU! lol...sometimes the shortest are the best...haha! Report Review
This was a fun little chapter, I have never seen one like it! The letter are still a little to teenage, but only to James... Oh and you should remember that it is different to write than to talk, sometimes it sounds like they are just having a conversation or writing an sms... A line: I don’t even know everything about myself at timesAuthor's Response: i figured james would bring out a bit of lilys immaturity... and i will try and go back, but like i said, i'm pretty busy as is. i'm really glad you liked that line, though, i kinda thought it would be interseting to put in. Report Review
This chapter felt shorter than the first one, maybe because nothing really happened to get it going... James' letter was fun I don't know if he would actually do that but I wouldn't put it past him... T he letter Lily wrote was a little to 21st century teenage girl, I think she is a bit more mature than that... but hey that is just my opinion! Hmm... favorite line: mine used to be a delivery owl, and he just flies off, most of the time, without waiting for a reply. That was fun!Author's Response: thanks again! if i have time, i'll try to go back and fix some things, but i don't know how soon it will happen! Report Review
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