OH MY LIFE WHY. ITS SO FLUFFY AND MY SOUL. IT HURTS.
Ugh that was such a good ending and it was all really fluffy in the middle and then Lorcan was being Lorcan-ish and wanting to prove himself even though he never needed to in the first place.
Still, I'm glad that it feels that there's a genuine feeling of no regret because the things we do, the choices we make, the way things happen that are not in our control affect us and make us who we are and even if we don't particularly like the person we are its better than being something unknown because then we could just be anybody and we're not - that's the point. We are ourselves and that's beautiful and in a subtle way that's what Lorcan shares with us.
And while there's a pause to this story that are the characters they can never really have an end. Its just the continuance of their story - a new chapter unfurled and tons of grief and happiness to come.
I love Lucy being so honest with Lorcan, too, because really - what is left to hide after all they've gone through? No false pretences can be put up, no lies to fabricate - just them.
Blah all the feels. Its so great.
This has been beautiful.
Aphrodite. ♥Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing this! Totally made my day to see four such awesome reviews waiting for me. ♥ I'm happy you liked it. This story is one that I really quite like, so I'm glad others do to. Report Review
dsfjdsfiusdf aw harsh reality comes crashing down at the worst of times when we all think so ridiculously optimistic. Or fantasize, rather.
So I liked what you did with this chapter - a pinch of realism and making things just that little bit harder and tense. I think its really important you had Lysander there to have that conversation because his words are applicable to most situations and is a reminder - especially to teenage girls - that the fantasy of a love story isn't going to suddenly come about. What happens in your imagination is going to stay there and you have to go and work on yourself and on the situation you need to deal with.
So, yeah, this was a good chapter. :)
There were a fair few typos in this, but nothing too taxing and you'd be able to spot them if you gave this a quick read-over!
One thing however:
"Er - oh. Um, you know. Working."
^that line sort of floated out of nowhere in the context it was in - meaning that there was no other speech for Lorcan to reply to. You must have missed out that small bit.
Its almost over. :(
Aphrodite.Author's Response: AAAH! Thanks for pointing those out. At some point I really do need to go through and do some little edits for things like that.
Lysander is the realist. I pulled a lot about Lysander and Lorcan from my relationship with my sister. We're not quite so dual as these two, but we definitely have very different personalities. I'm more emotionally controlled, but I'm also the flighty, spontaneous one. While my sister bottles and explodes and hates change. So I took the same idea and applied it to these twins. Also, some of that came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine, who, like Lorcan, just kind of expected things with her boyfriend to just fall into place because it was 'fate'.
So yes, lots of things from my own life went into creating this chapter. Report Review
Second chapters, in general, disappoint me. Mostly because they're very filler-ish and not relevent and... are, frankly, boring.
I guess it may have something to do with the fact that this is indeed a short story, but you have surpassed my expectations for a second chapter.
A lot more information is given, there are humorous moments, authentic conversation and lots of cute stuff going on. I particular like your Rolf/Luna moment because you don't imagine anyone saying that to Luna and it made her and her marriage more human and relateable. You have very nice personal touches here. :)
You also have an affinity for perfect last lines that really stick with the reader a while after they've been read.
You're doing so great and I'm already sad that there's only two more chapters left!
Aphrodite.Author's Response: I know what you mean! Second chapters are hard. But if memory serves, this one actually came out fairly quickly for me. It was the third that I agonized over.
I adore Luna, she's one of my favourite characters and I can just imagine what sort of person her husband must be. I can't see there being two people quite so batty in one marriage! And I always imagined Lorcan being more like her than his dad. I just love Lorcan.
Thanks for another great review! Report Review
So that's all I can physically feel right now considering I've been turned into goo after reading this. It was so perfect that i have no words on how to even begin telling you how perfect and beautiful it is.
Honestly, the monologue and the intense imagery at the beginning made my soul soften so painfully that I felt a horrible sadness as I knew that this beautiful reverie of living in that moment with beautiful images in my head would have to end.
And then as if that wasn't enough you tacked on this little bit about a bride and a man and oh its so hard not to leave this review and just click on the next chapter but i know that i'll only finish it and favourite it and won't review and that isnt good.
and softer than the hair of kitten. - missing word, a.
I spent all my time moving in as tiny of movements as I could manage - here, this sounds particularly awkward and distracted me a little.
other than those two I think its fine, but then you may want to have someone check it over for you or edit yourself seeing as you may not have looked at this chapter for a while (I just spotted when this was first published!).
Gah this is an amazing first chapter.
Aphrodite.Author's Response: Holy cow! What an awesome review :) Thanks so much for reviewing as you read.
And yes - it's been awhile since I looked at the first chapter. They probably all need some minor edits like that. I tend to miss those things when I'm posting.
Glad you liked it!
♥ Report Review
Your writing is absolutely fabulous for someone who's first language isn't English - you have a good grasp on general grammar and word structure, etc. I do suggest, however, to sign up on the forums (if you haven't already) and get a beta to look this over as I did find some awkward phrasing here and there but nothing too distracting.
I really like where you've gone with this - its fulfilling, its short, its fluffy and focused. There's a clear point from start to finish, but its not methodical. There's some places where you tell a lot of the story and about the characters rather than let the audience deduce what you want to tell them by showing them in different scenes instead, but then its hard to do that in a one-shot.
I feel like the ending was complete, too, that its been wrapped up nicely. It makes the reader want more, but not need more, if you know what I mean.
You've done a great job and have tons of potential. Keep writing!
Aphrodite.Author's Response: Thank you for such a long review and all the nice words :)
I'll definitely look in to the whole beta thing, that'd be useful. It's really nice when people show me what I could improve on, because it's difficult to do that yourself sometimes. Report Review
You've got a great start here in my opinion. It definitely reels me in and Elliot seems like an interesting character. You've left questions unanswered, but in a good way so that its no confusing - its hypnotising and makes you want more. That's my favourite kind of start to a story. :)
You have a lot of misplaced commas and sometimes run-on sentences - I'd suggest getting a beta on the forums so that they can let you know what you can improve on exactly.
You've got a great start here - so much potential!
Aphrodite.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'll definitely look into getting a beta- I have been known to abuse commas and use run-ons, haha.
But thank you again, for your lovely review, it means so much! ^.^ Report Review
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