Reading Reviews From Member: MadiMalfoy
484 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MadiMalfoyLong Live The Queen: I

16th October 2017:
Hello!!! I'm about a week and a half late with this review, but here I am!! You requested that I look over this to see how I liked your characterizations and writing style.

So first and foremost, I think this sounds like it could be an extremely interesting story, just based off of all of the fun and quirky OCs you've got here in the opening chapter. You've done a great job of describing each character enough to ground them in their place within the story and the universe you've created without giving away too much information at the same time! Well done on that for all of the characters written here, for sure! Since I'm unfamiliar with the universe you're writing in, I actually thought you were writing from Lily Evans' point of view, not Lily Potter's for the first few lines until I actually thought about it. But anyway, I really enjoyed how you've characterized Lily here -- Slytherin, teenager, who doesn't always fit perfectly with her family's goals and ideas for her, but who also still loves them. This is definitely a new age for me to read of the next gen kinds, which is something that really interested me!! I'm only mildly familiar with the kids being young or just entering Hogwarts, so this age is definitely refreshing!

As far as writing style goes, there's absolutely nothing that I would want to change! You change up your descriptors and "said" is not the word used every time dialogue happens, so that's always an indicator of good writing skills. With scene description, you could add a bit more in, but this chapter didn't really need it as you were jumping from scene/location to location so it was not super necessary due to the short amount of time spent there. Perhaps in later chapters, if your characters are going to the same location multiple times (aka it's an 'important' location) then a bit more hefty description could elevate the importance of that place, along with the significance of the characters being there.

Truly, I'm curious to see where you go with this and if this sixth year will be good for Lily and Hugo. If you'd like another review, please pop on back over to my review thread! Further, if you want me to read a couple of chapters and then review on the last one I read, please just mention that in your post, otherwise I'll assume it's just the one chapter at a time rate. Great job!! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thank you! And I'm sorry for taking such a long time to respond! I have a bad habit of occasionally disappearing from this site for a while, but I'm back now and plan to stay!

I really appreciate your taking the time to leave such a detailed review. I find it so helpful to get the feedback. I think setting description's definitely something I could do with working on so thank you for pointing that out!

And thanks for offering to read on! I'll probably be back soon with another request :)

E xx

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Review #2, by MadiMalfoyProphecy Misinterpreted: Prophecy Misinterpreted

6th June 2017:
Hiya! :) You requested a review from me ages ago over on HPFT and I profusely apologize for taking so long!

You mentioned in your post that this was your first fan fic, so let me just congratulate you and welcome you to the wonderful world that is fan fiction!! It's a wonderful community (usually) and please enjoy every moment you get to spend in it!

I see that you had someone beta for you, so that helps with a lot of common issues and errors that can crop up in early writing, so good job to you for getting that done right away! I did catch a couple of things: in the second paragraph opening sentence, it should be "Luca approached her husband.." as Luca is the wife and uses female pronouns. When it gets to the part mentioning the Lupins, a word is missing in the sentence and should be "...boy that did not look older than ten years of age." Otherwise, it seemed pretty decent on the grammar side of things considering you're not a native English speaker! It reads really well for this as well, if just a bit speedy for my personal preference. Sometimes, a way to slow some scenes down is to add in so-called "fluffy" description to give the scene some more "oomph" and allow the characters to interact more with their surroundings versus just each other in dialogue.

I am not very familiar with this time frame but with a bit of quick research I see right where your interlude can slip right in! However one critique I do have of your placement is that Voldemort had been gaining power and knowledge of the dark arts well before 1970 - this is just when the War officially starts, and Dumbledore had known of Tom's inclinations as early as 1945. The only thing I would recommend would be to maybe set it a year or two earlier than 1969 as this seems far too close to the beginning of Voldemort's first reign of terror to be 100% plausible. With that critique though, you have inserted quite well into the canonverse and I applaud what I assume must have been quite extensive research to write this story! It is very well done and has some characters I'm not as familiar with so great job on writing something different and unique!

Please feel free to request for anything else you've written at your leisure in my thread on HPFT. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #3, by MadiMalfoyStorge: Storge

6th January 2017:
Hi Bex! You requested this ages ago in my HPFT review thread but I'm finally here! :)

You were mainly concerned with your writing style and the flow of the story, but I want to touch on a few other things first. In your author's note, you mentioned that this is your first time writing Ariana Dumbledore and in this type of point of view. I also am rather unfamiliar with Ariana's character (partially due to my continued extended absences from fanfic) but I think you've done her justice! What we get from canon is so minimal and also from the POV of Aberforth. The way you've styled this is conducive to the way she is portrayed in canon as well--an unstable, quiet, odd girl with a strong mind. First person POV can be challenging to write, especially if you forget to stay in it (I've done it multiple times only to go back and read through my words and realize it then), but it truly fits the theme of this story. If you had written this from third person POV, it would have seemed lacking in character traits for Ariana because her battle is waged in her mind. The first person point of view allows for these battles to be seen more visually and their complexity and briefness illustrated. Your way of jumping between thought trains with each paragraph is really neat and helps keep the flow smooth while still transitioning through each different "scene" with ease.

You really have done a wonderful job with this sad story. I do hope you branch out again and write another minor character soon!! Please feel free to hop in my review thread again for another story :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #4, by MadiMalfoyI'll Take the Long Way and It Better Be Worth It: I. i professionally suck at life

12th August 2016:
Hi Lily! I'm here for the review you requested a couple weeks ago on HPFT!

You asked for comments on grammar, punctuation, characterization, and overall flow of the story, so I'll try and touch on all of those!

From what I was able to notice, your grammar is fairly solid. One thing I caught was in the line "Louis, your late." -- it should be 'you're' not 'your' but other than that I didn't catch any obvious mistakes. You do have a few punctuation errors - in the line "I wonder aloud..." you have the comma before aloud but it should be after. Also a general punctuation rule is in dialogue, if your tag (i.e. he says) is after the spoken words, then the dialogue punctuation should be like so: "words words words," he says. with a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence and the pronoun lowercase unless it's a name. Punctuation is good other than that. :)

As far as characterization goes, I think you've done a good job with introducing us to Louis and also Hermione, Rose, and Hugo to the readers. The one thing I would change is perhaps remind the readers that Louis is the son of Bill & Fleur -- while it's canon information, some people may not be familiar with the next generation and whose kids are whose, or may have forgotten (like I did initially), etc. Louis seems like he's had some trouble after Hogwarts and kind of keeps to himself, which could definitely lead to some interesting family interactions! You've set the tone for the plot very easily here and it flows pretty smoothly as well. It's a great start to what I'm sure will be a great story about Louis Weasley.

Feel free to re-request for anything else or the next chapter of this story once it's up! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hey Madi, thanks for reviewing!

Fewf, I'm glad! Yeah, I've gotten a lot better at writing in the past few months since I joined HPFF, so my grammar is getting better. But I definitely will fix the "you're" "your" thing ASAP. The punctuation too!

That's a good tip, I see how some might be confused by that. I'll see what I can do when I find time.

Thank you so much (again), and I hope you have an amazing day!

-ImaRavenclaw xoxo

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Review #5, by MadiMalfoyBroken: Broken

23rd May 2016:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested a couple of weeks ago :)

When I saw this challenge pop up in the story challenges section, I knew that there were going to be some very talented writers out there who would manipulate their skill in a form they may not have worked with yet but who would still create something unbelievable. Your piece is absolutely stunning and I bow down to your creativity and prowess with your craft.

Not only have you managed to show us Molly's perspective of the final final battle of Hogwarts, you've weaved in some Celtic legend with the main theme of the painting overarching as well. It all flows so nicely, I don't even know how you managed to do all of this in 3300 words! I read up a bit on the piece you were given - "Broken Column" by Frida Kahlo and all of the pain and despair and resolve she must have been feeling when she painted that really shine through here. You made it clear that this piece was very strongly based in the painting without focusing on the painting itself.

Your words themselves paint such a beautiful yet horrible picture as Molly must endure the torture and death of her dearest family members and "extended" family one by one after another. Even with this extensive amount of heartbreak and horror thrown in her face for what must feel like days, Molly still refuses to break, and only strengthens her resolve to defeat Bellatrix and save all those that she can. You make the horror present without submitting us to all of the nitty gritty details, which is good--it's obvious this story is dark but we don't need the full visual to get the impact it has on the characters, so that's very well done on your part.

In general, this is a rather phenomenal piece and I would be happy to read something else of yours sometime if you want to re-request from me anytime. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #6, by MadiMalfoyObliviate: Obliviate

22nd May 2016:
Hi Amy! I'm here for my "The 100" Quote Challenge! :)

The quote you picked is one of my favorites from the show, and the fact that it is Bellamy who says it makes it stand out all the more for me considering his character arc through all three seasons. With that in mind, I was really looking to see how you captured those feelings of fear, uncertainty, and resolve into this piece about Hermione.

In my initial read-through, I typically expect the quote to be plopped in as that's easiest to do, so I almost missed the way you weaved it into the theme of the story instead, something that is much harder to do, in my opinion. After reading through it a couple more times I was able to pick out the points where the quote's meaning became most prominent in Hermione's story, which is when she talks about how her parents can no longer be her parents if she wants them to survive the war they're entering. This quote actually resonates with me for Hermione too--she has to do things she may not be inclined to do in her nature, but if she wants to live, she has to do them so that they can defeat Voldemort once and for all.

You've done beautifully with this and the results will be posted soon! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

P.S. Have you watched the season 3 finale yet?!?

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Review #7, by MadiMalfoyHero: One Day at a Time

15th May 2016:
Hello, I'm here with your review from a few months ago!

What a phenomenal opening chapter! I could immediately sense that Hero was someone at odds with her family just from the initial scene at the platform. She is clearly "other" to her family, and she recognizes this but knows there is very little she can do to fix the problems it has caused, considering that it got worse due to her becoming Prefect for Gryffindor. You've made it clear that there were some big events that happened over the summer that greatly affect Hero's relationship with her parents and siblings that will be influencing her decisions this year, and her friendships. You've got a very strong characterization of Hero already, if a bit ambiguous--but that's what makes it so intriguing! Her main traits are shone here, and some of her supporting characteristics are hinted at for later on, which is excellent storytelling--you're not revealing everything right away.

With general flow of the chapter, it's perfect tempo. Each scene leads into the next with perfect and almost unnecessary transitions. I'm very curious to learn what happened over the summer and also what will happen during the school year, not only with Hero but also with her friends and Tom Riddle, of course. You've opened up this story with an exquisitely complex chapter and I believe that you will continue to produce equally fantastic chapters for the rest of this story! Great job with this :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hey Madi!

Well this was a review certainly worth waiting for ;) Thank you so much for your amazing words! ♥

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Review #8, by MadiMalfoyChoices.: Choices are the hardest things to make.

12th May 2016:
Hi Magenta! Wow I am SO sorry for long it's been since you requested this review! I ended up not having time to do all of my reviews over spring break as I got sick after I got back from my trip and then it was full steam ahead for the end of the semester but I'm here now! And you've graced me with a DRAMIONE, you clever person!

So first of all, this has two big things that make it unique in my eyes: it's told from Draco's POV, and it's for the Every Word Counts Challenge and like 3 other challenges at the same time! That is a lot to try and bundle into only 500 words!

The fact it is told from Draco's POV is something that doesn't often get done unless it's for just a moment or two before returning to Hermione's POV or third person. You've made it so that it's something new yet familiar at the same time. He has to make a choice between joining the Death Eaters or Hermione, and he's only sixteen. Sixteen years old is a difficult enough time alone, but the monumental weight of either choice he has crushing him is illustrated nicely here.

I think the overall flow is generally pretty smooth works with the pace of Draco's thinking. However, I think in a couple parts you got a bit wordy (I use that term lightly) and so it interrupted the flow a bit, made it seem a bit repetitive of things we'd already been told. Contractions are your friend! Granted, some sentences deserve to have the full words so they carry more weight and power, but the plot of this piece is already so heavy it doesn't need a lot of support.

In general, I quite liked this piece and the methodical way Draco thought through things before making his decision and choosing what he knew would ultimately lead to a better life for him and Hermione. Great job with this! Feel free to re-request any time. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #9, by MadiMalfoyThe Duel: The Duel

3rd May 2016:
Ah this is such a great piece! What a great song you got too--it goes perfectly with the duel you chose to write about! Really well done, and the numbers breaking up each section echo each of the ten duel commandments as they're sung in the song. You've captured Dumbledore & Grindewald's essences here rather beautifully too and didn't overly complicate the story at all to fit with the song.

You wrote this exceedingly well and I hope you place well in Claire's challenge! Hamilton is so good and I'll have to read everyone else's entries from this too! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thank you!
There were certain elements of the song that just couldn't fit to the situation so I just tried to get the essence of each section and mould it around what we knew of the battle.
Hamilton is the best! I'm sure the other entries are all incredible. I'll have to read them too!

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Review #10, by MadiMalfoyMuggle Studies: Muggle Studies

6th March 2016:
Hello! I'm here for the HPFF Review-A-Thon! :)

Wow. This story blew me away! It's been a long time since I've read something in epistolary format (Frankenstein in high school English class) so this was a reminder of why I quite enjoyed it! The way you've crafted this story in various forms of note-writing, detention slips, and other correspondence is just brilliant! Intertwining the different forms actually makes it flow very smoothly because it allows for different perspectives to be shown all revolving around Tiberius Nott. I was not expecting that ending at all, either! You snuck it in there with excellent skill that it was almost a thought in my brain as I read it but I quickly dismissed it, because surely he wouldn't do something like that, but then IT happens!

This is a remarkable piece you've written here, and I hope you do well in the challenge--you deserve it! Have a lovely day :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi MadiMalfoy! Thanks so much for reviewing and helping to support the site! :D

Thank you! Yes, the epistolary format is something different on HPFF now since most people (including myself) weren't aware of the rule change until recently. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the way I wrote this story! And I'm so pleased you enjoyed the ending and you felt I wrote it well! ^.^

Thank you so much for the review and the good luck -- I appreciate it! :)

~Isobel x

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Review #11, by MadiMalfoyA Tale of Three Children: Muggle-Born

29th February 2016:
Hello Wren! I'm here with the review you requested in my thread a little over a month ago! You were concerned about grammar, character development, and whether or not the story fits canon.

First of all, let me just say how cute of a story this is! It's always fun to explore canon a bit with an OC. That being said, I believe this story fits very well into canon! You've got Hagrid talking to the muggleborn family which is in line with canon and makes for a bit of fun for Joey. :)

Joey is such a cute character! A little boy who refuses to believe that the things that have happened around him/to him aren't purely from his imagination is a great quality that you conveyed very well! The only issue I have is that he is already 12 when Hagrid comes--the children are often contacted if they are 10 or 11 before the beginning of term. Unless you wanted him to be 12 since it's the year after the war so Hogwarts closed for a year to be rebuilt? If that's the case, perhaps make that a bit clearer. Otherwise, I think you've created a wonderful character in Joey here and his parents, the brief time they appear, as well.

With grammar, the only thing I really noticed was with your dialogue-- the end of the quote (if the tag with the speaker is at the end) should look like this if it is a statement without an exclamation point or a question mark: word," he said. There were a couple of spelling errors that can also be easily fixed with a quick reread. Your grammar is consistent throughout otherwise and nothing stuck out as a major problem, so good job with that!

As a whole, this was a fun little one-shot and I quite enjoyed it! Feel free to request for something else! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #12, by MadiMalfoyIntemptesta Nox: The Assignment

29th February 2016:
Hello Alexis! I'm finally getting around to my review thread again and I'm here with yours!

You requested a general review with a slight focus on overarching plot and interest.

Boy was I interested right off the bat! This is the first story I've read in a long time that was really focused on thoughts/memory in a dark manner, and it did not disappoint in the opening chapter at all! You definitely hooked me in with the opening scene. It carefully gave us a look into the "future" of the story-verse without revealing too much about what happened yet--fantastic execution! I'm not usually one to enjoy really horror/psychological thriller type movies/stories, but you keep it toned down some so it's not just straight horrifying, but rather intriguing with a side of scary. In this chapter, you give us a bit more of Aislinn's backstory with her sister and her job and the memories of their Hogwarts times with a seamless fusion I wish I possessed in my own writing! You touch on the darkness Ash has been dealing with for the past year with Caitlin's death, and also subtly slip in some good references to the times (the Death Eaters, obviously the first Wizarding War) without blatantly having to state it. I'm also excited to see how you weave the core of the Marauders into the story as well.

ALSO AN UNSPEAKABLE ALEXIS I HAVE BEEN WAITING AGES FOR AN UNSPEAKABLE CHARACTER-CENTERED STORY! This is such a great idea for the Unspeakable character to deal with and it just makes SO much sense! I've actually wanted to write an Unspeakable story for a while but didn't know how to go about it because there is obviously very little canon information about their jobs in the Department of Mysteries. You just go for it with what we do know and have already begun spinning a tale that I'm sure will end up leaving me in excruciating pain for Aislinn and the rest of the Marauders.

Very well done on these first two chapters, I can't wait for the next! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #13, by MadiMalfoyThe Gifts: Harry: The Gifts: Harry

17th January 2016:
Hi Magenta! Super big apologies for getting around to this months after you requested it--school was keeping me really busy right after my thread filled up so HPFF took a backseat to all of that! But I'm back now for a bit so I finally got around to my review thread!

Your areas of concern were about the flow and any other things I wanted to mention. Congrats on completing the Every Word Counts challenge, though! That's something I still have yet to try because I tend to get long winded. So even though you only wrote 500 words, the smoothness is still there and the scenes don't feel choppy or abrupt at all.

This was such a nice, heartwarming story, too! Gifting Harry a snowy owl in honor of Hedwig is such a sweet idea and I'm quite glad you thought of it and decided to write about it! I'm very curious to see what Ron and Hermione get as well! Great job with this, I think you did splendidly with it. Feel free to request for anything else on your AP :)
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #14, by MadiMalfoyOld Habits Die Hard: Old Habits Die Hard

17th January 2016:
Hello, I'm here months and months late from my review thread! I got super caught up with school and RL and this and other HPFF things took a backseat but I'm trying my best to be more active this spring semester!

But anyway, to the review! You wanted a general and if I found any errors! I'll do the errors first since I saw a couple spelling ones: "diplorable" is actually spelled with an e instead of an i; "up most" is meant to be "utmost". Other than those two spelling things, I didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes, so good job with that!

As far as general impression goes, this is new for me as I've never read a Regulus Black-centered story before, so it was a fresh character for me. You've taken a character that we get just a little bit about in Deathly Hallows and develop a really nice explanation of his change of heart about being a Death Eater and it's really fascinating! The plot isn't too heavy either--it's a nice balance of flashbacks with present and doesn't feel choppy at all either. Overall, I think this is a great one-shot and I hope you placed well in your challenge! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello!

Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply!

Thanks for pointing that out to me! :)

Thank you for your feed back! I'm really glad that you liked it and I made you think of Regulus in a new light! :D

Thanks again :)

Katie :)

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Review #15, by MadiMalfoyThe Biggest Lie: The Biggest Lie

22nd September 2015:
Hello! I'm here with the review you asked for a few weeks ago on the forums! :)

Firstly, welcome back to HPFF! ♥ It's always exciting to have members return after multiple-year hiatuses!

*gasp* A Dramione? Well OF COURSE I'm going to read it! And it's for ad astra's Sink Your Ship challenge too, which makes it even better! I was actually considering an entry for it but couldn't find the time (although I think my most recent story definitely would qualify).

But anyway, back to the actual review! Since you were wanting my opinion on everything, I'll do my best to give you a detailed review without repeating myself too much!

As far as the plot goes, I think it's a cool idea! However, it could use a bit of spicing up--what's the project for Potions, and how/why would Snape ever pair his favorite student with one of his least favorite? What year are they in for this? The setting, when clearly defined, really gives the story more plausibility and allows the reader to become more involved with what is happening. With that being said, you write that Draco and Hermione meet regularly in the library once the project is done; with that it seems natural to show a scene of one of those meetings so we really get a feel for how these two interact with each other and possible feelings they might hold toward each other. Also, it's very important to be consistent with your tenses--when you flip between a thought in Hermione's head to the present, the verb tense sometimes doesn't match the setting correctly, but that can be fixed easily with a once-over. Typically, I write in one tense the whole time and only switch it if it's dialogue being spoken.

With characterization, this is almost too short to really get a feel for what Draco and Hermione are like. By showing, not telling, the readers little details about the characters while they interact, you give them an attribute that makes them less one-dimensional and more like a real person. So, by saying that Draco always flicks his left earlobe when he gets nervous, or Hermione tucks a curl behind her ear when talking about something she's passionate about, you not only give them more depth but also expand on the tone of the scene. Draco's coldness should be much more apparent at the end as well--after he tells her he doesn't see her like that, the next times they interact he would characteristically be rude and cold towards her. You've got Hermione's thought process down pretty well though--she goes through everything logically as best she can before giving up on that part of her brain and turning to her emotional side instead--very good job with that!

Your premise works, but if you expand the details you simply provide offhandedly, I think you could have a phenomenal one-shot here about love and heartbreak. :) Please feel free to come back and request for other stories you may write! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Thank you for your review and for you taking your time to write it :)
You had some very good points about the setting and I must confess that when I wrote the story I was in doubt about where and when I wanted to place the story, so I took the easy way out and left it open, without saying too much. However, now that I have read your review I can see that I did the story more harm than good by doing this. So I'll work more on this for the my next pieces of works.
Your comments about the characterization are really spot on and I completely agree with you. This inspired me to start on working on a bigger story where I can really work with the characters and show their different sides and characteristic.

Again thank you, for the review! :D

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Review #16, by MadiMalfoyGrey Fire: An Unwelcome Invitation

22nd September 2015:
Hello Kapa! Apologies for my extreme lateness with the review you requested for this!

Now, as a forewarning, I absolutely love Ginny/Harry, so that might influence some things I say here, but all in good faith. :) As far as your areas of concern go (characterization, plot, language) I think I'll hit them in reverse order of how I just listed them.

Your language isn't really that bad at all--if a bit awkward in places, but you mentioned you were reworking the story anyway so I won't really comment on that too much. One thing that I think would work better is for Draco to address Ginny as "Ms. Weasley" instead of "Ginevra"--it's much more formal and better suited to the type of social situation they are in. What I would really like to see you expand on is your description. Adding details about the scene, clothing, body language will really enhance the reader's experience and also up your writing skills too. It lets us slow down a bit and get involved in the scene and shows it happening, rather than just telling us what's going on.

With plot, I want to reiterate what I said above: expand! You mention offhandedly that Ginny and Harry were fiances but then broke up--why? Give us one or two sentences explaining why that happened to change Ginny's behavior now. Also, determine an exact year for this to be taking place--it's a bit ambiguous right now so I'm not entirely sure how old Ginny & Draco are--are they only 20? Mid-20s? Find a way to incorporate that seamlessly somewhere and that will also give your plot some more stability. The premise of this story is interesting, for sure! Again, setting a time for this would help too so we know how many years after the War it's been. This is a great start, but I think if you took some time and "unpacked" some of the things you just mention in passing that will really create an opening chapter that makes the reader really want to continue.

Your characterization of Ginny so far is a bit confusing, but not horribly so. You maintained her stubbornness and quick temper, which I always love to see expressed in fanfic. She's also quick to hold judgment and be wary of anyone she deems not fully trustworthy, most likely a trait acquired during/immediately after the War, which you can really play around with in the following chapters. I think if you explain how and why she and Harry broke up, that would assist in making your characterization of her feel less random and more plausible and realistic. Backstory is key to good character development, and if you add some of those details that aren't covered in canon (e.g. directly after the War, her split with Harry) she'll seem less random and her actions/feelings will make more sense to readers. With Draco, I have a feeling you will eventually explain why he acts like he does towards Ginny, so I won't say too much about him here yet. I do like how you've portrayed him as the boy-with-no-good-choices-turned-man-turning-his-life-around. It's a characteristic I absolutely love applying to him in my own writing as well, and I'm very curious to see where you go with it. I would look into his money situation though--I feel like the Malfoy wealth would have dropped semi-considerably due to the War and everything, but that's your decision to make.

On the whole, I think you've got a great idea here and this is a good start of an opening chapter! I would be happy to read more (and feel free to request a couple chapters at a time so I can have a better feel for the plot as it moves, etc.) :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Madi! Thanks so much for taking the time to review this (and going so in depth)!

Also... you thought you were late giving me my requested review, but just look how unbelievably late I am responding to it! Embarrassing. But such is life. Moving along!

Ah, I definitely get loving Ginny/Harry - I do too! I actually started writing this as an experiment, as I had never written Draco before, and I chose to pair him with Ginny because she's one of my absolute favourite characters and because she's the only main character I ship him with – even though I ship her /more/ with Harry (and Luna!).

As for the first of the concerns you raise... I really, really want to have Draco call Ginny 'Ginevra' instead of 'Ms. Weasley', because it's sort of the first step of his plan of getting under her skin. But as this is something people react to a lot in a 'this doesn't work'-way rather than an 'I wonder what this is about'-way I guess I'll have to make it more clear that Draco is choosing this address /because/ it's informal and incongruous in that social situation, and that Ginny picks up on that and speculates on why he'd do that. (Maybe he could call her Ms. Weasley when he calls after her at first, and then change to Ginevra when they shake hands.) You have given me a lot to think about here!

When it comes to adding more description, that's definitely on my to do-list! It's not my strongest suit, but I like to think that I usually do better at it than I've done here, so I have a lot of hope of improvement! Thanks for the pointers on specific things to add! (I'm not great at body language IRL, so it tends to be missing from my stories as well, ooops...)

As for the plot... well, I don't want to give away all my secrets in the first chapter. For example, the reason why Ginny and Harry broke up is an intrinsic part of the narrative web of this story, and I want the reader to wonder and speculate a little before I tell them. Still, I hear you! I'll try to add some intriguing hints about why things ended between Ginny and Harry. As for the year... this story takes place in 2005, which is also and important plot point, and I'm debating with myself whether I should include it explicitly or whether that makes some plot twists too obvious (oops, spoilers!). I might change a little thing in the next chapter to make the year clear, and definitely mention something about Ginny's approximate age in this chapter - perhaps when she muses about Angelica's youth...

(Also, another reviewer actually gave me props for not trying to squeeze too much information into the first chapter, so partly I think it's down to personal taste how long and information dense a first chapter should be to capture a reader's interest.)

I'll also make sure that I show why Ginny has become the way she has - I actually think it has more to do with some isolationist impulses after her break-up from Harry than with trauma from the war, but everything plays a role, of course. After her horrible first year at Hogwarts she's not about to trust anyone or anything too quickly, that's for sure!

There are currently no slots open in your review thread, but if I remember I'll be sure to request a read over for at least some of the later chapters too when there are spots to snag. It really helps to get a grasp of what works and what doesn't when I do my rewriting. Thanks again! : )


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Review #17, by MadiMalfoyTraitorous Hearts: In Dark Spaces

22nd September 2015:

Anyway, can I just say how absolutely stunning and breath-taking your writing was in these last two chapters?? Your descriptions of scenes and emotions were so unbelievable that I legitimately visualized everything in my head as I read on. I don't usually do that when I read fan fiction. But this, this has got me HOOKED and really into it! I actually like that you didn't split the chapter--I think it would have been far too short in relation to all of your other chapters, and there's beautiful character development in the latter half of this chapter that really fits here to juxtapose the opening scene in the broom cupboard.

In chapter nine I quite enjoyed the scene with Draco in the Forbidden Forest--it was just enough of a glimpse to see how things are going for him/what he's doing and also how he feels about the situation (read: LIE) he created with the Greengrasses and Astoria specifically and how he has to determine the best way to handle it once the real battle comes to Hogwarts. You've got his character down pat, and last chapter really exemplifies that. Loving it!! Astoria's characterization is just so complex yet simple at the same time, I can't get enough of it! She's like an mystery that looks solvable and easily manipulated when in reality she's this entirely unknown enigma that Draco wouldn't even begin to know how to piece together. You've done a seriously great job with your characterizations in general too--Amycus Carrow instills fear like no other in me, and I feel Neville's hopelessness like a dagger in my heart, and Astoria's confusion and frustration so much.

As far as the flow goes, like I said above I think you should keep the chapter length as is. Your transition from the end of chapter nine to the beginning of this chapter is smooth and is very logical. The different snapshots of Hogwarts life from Astoria's POV was done fantastically because the situations are all so different yet similar at the same time because of her conflicting feelings. They really paint a picture of how life is at Hogwarts now and the internal battle being waged within the castle by the DA and the Carrows, mirroring Astoria's internal battle as well.

The balance between Draco/Astoria's POV seems pretty good to me--as Astoria is your main character, she should have more anyway, but you strike a good balance to give insight to things happening she isn't around to see/be apart of. Draco is definitely intrigued by her and how she managed to make him lie to the Dark Lord for her and her family, and I think that will play a major role in how things play out once everything comes to a head. Astoria definitely has mixed feelings about him because she doesn't truly know what made him lie to keep her and her family safe, but she also knows she's now indebted to him, which she hates. So she has to devise a way to pay back her debt and also figure out his reasons for lying for her family. It's all very complex and nothing is clear cut for these two, which not only makes things fun and interesting, but also showcases your talented writing skills!

Seriously Penny, such good chapters!!! I can't wait to read the next couple!! ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello there! Finally--FINALLY--I am answering this review. I'M sorry for the delay in that, so think nothing of it. I understand. We all just get crazy busy. Me included :D

AW! Madi, thank you SO MUCH! That really means a lot to me. I put so much effort into the descriptions, especially in those chapters, that it makes me so excited to hear that it's paying off and that you could see it all. I'm a super visual person. I was in theatre for a long time, so everything in my head has to play out like a staged show or a movie--I have to be able to see it all when I write, and I want people to be able to picture it when they read my writing. I'm so incredibly happy that you did! :D

And thanks for affirming the decision to not split the chapter. That's what I thought, too, that the character development just flowed better with both scenes in the same chapter. But getting that feedback helps.

Plus, I just love when elegant, put-together Astoria, who has managed to keep her cool through so much, is stabbing her mashed potatoes like an angry child. It's one of the reasons I love this chapter.

Thank you! I'm so excited that you think I got Draco's characterization right. He's a tricky one, because I wanted to make him more sympathetic without pretending that he's been some great person. He's such a prat much of the time, but I wanted to lend him some of the complexity that I knew had to be there, and I'm really just so glad that you think it's working!

"She's like an mystery that looks solvable and easily manipulated when in reality she's this entirely unknown enigma that Draco wouldn't even begin to know how to piece together."
--I LOVE this description of Astoria! This is so great!

Ick. Amycus. He grossed me out almost as much as Fenrir Greyback. When I've freaked myself out, that's when I guess I know I've gotten it where it needs to be. *shivers*

Okay, I'm relieved to know that you felt that Astoria and Draco's POV's are balanced enough at this point. I agree with you that Astoria is the protagonist, which *is* why she has more face time, but I don't want readers to feel like Draco is getting left in the dust. Problem is, he's kind of sulky and miserable right now, and less is happening on his end, so I only want to subject them to so much of that. But I don't want him to get totally outweighed. It's a problem for the next set of chapters. Until Something Happens on Draco's end to change his trajectory, there's only so much of him that I can show, but I do want to strike some sort of balance. I'm glad to know that, for now, it's working :)

You really just summarize all this so well. You totally get how complex Astoria's feelings about Draco are, which makes me happy. The poor girl. No one ever just does nice things for her, do they? Although, as a rule, not trusting Death Eaters is probably a good way to go. [I can see Ginny here, like, GINNY: "Hey! I invited her along on an exciting mission! That was nice!" ASTORIA: "Yes. Dangerous, death defying stunts are my favourite. So nice."]

Thank you so, so much for your fantastic review! I really appreciate it! ♥


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Review #18, by MadiMalfoyTransparent: Playmate

25th August 2015:
Hello! I'm back for the review you requested in my thread a little over a month ago! :)

Alright, since you just wanted a general, I'll touch on things I think you did well first and then give you some CCs on others later.

Firstly, I had actually forgotten how dastardly and insidious you made Teddy Lupin in this, so his characterization caught me off guard a bit until I remembered. His ruthlessness in threatening Dominique is stellar and his ability to immediately transition into smooth talker is just perfect! Although it does make me hate him a bit :P My only question about his characterization is who raised him? How did he get to be so mean and the like? I think that would better help justify his behavior since the majority of headcanons have Teddy being raised jointly by Harry/Ginny and Andromeda, all of whom are sincerely nice and caring people, so it wouldn't make sense to have such a mean-spirited teenager come out of that loving family. Since you gave the waiter guy a name and relationship to other characters in the story, I do hope he shows up again later on! Especially since he gave Dom that little confidence booster. I can tell already I like him. :P As far as the scene in its entirety goes, I think it flows at a decent pace, although the back and forth between Teddy and Dominique does feel a bit long to me, even with the relevant dialogue in there.

Speaking of Dom, YOU GO GIRL AND STAND UP TO TEDDY! It's very realistic that she lost her stutter when she gets angry at him and spits venom. Love it! However, in the first chapter especially, I feel like you've almost overdone her stutter a bit? Unless she has a very severe stutter I don't think she would be stuttering over every/every other word, but it's a lot less noticeable in this chapter. Obviously her stutter will fluctuate depending on how comfortable she is with the person she's talking to, but I would love to see her have some stutter-free moments of dialogue out of happiness instead of anger, just as a bit of contrast later on. I would also like to know just how Victoire and Dominique and Louis were raised by Bill and Fleur--considering Bill comes from the Weasleys, I feel there should be some sense of love and kindness somwhere, but I also understand Fleur's veela side may be more prevalent in Victoire and such as they all get older, so that could also play a role. Basically I just want more backstory!! :P

Overall, I think this is a great second chapter and I would be happy to read several more of these for you! Re-request anytime. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you so much for stopping by with this great review!

A lot of people don't understand how Teddy turned out to be such a jerk. Hahah. I honestly don't write him as being very nice because I didn't find it compelling enough. There are a lot of reasons why he is this way though and I can't give them away just yet. Harry and Ginny may be his godparents but you don't really get that feeling from this story. I haven't introduced either of them quite yet and don't even get me started on Andromeda.


If you read on, especially if you get to chapter six, you'll know why he is this way and might feel differently towards him.

His behavior towards Dominique is awful but it changes subtly over time. I think that you'll be surprised by WHY he seems to dislike her so much though but that's for another chapter. BUT you can read my one-shot "Glass" if you want to cheat and get a head start. :D

Logan Rookwood (The waiter that Dom kind of crushed on) will show up later on in the story but as of yet, he hasn't made an appearance again.

Dom's stutter is cleaned up in the next few chapters because so many of you pointed it out to me. Hahaha. Victoire and her siblings weren't brought up badly but once again, you'll get your answers if you keep on reading. :D

Thank you for the review!

Much love,


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Review #19, by MadiMalfoyThe Parish: The Parish

14th August 2015:
Hi! :) I saw you posted about this in the Ravenclaw Story Updates thread so I decided to pop over and see what this was all about!

While I don't watch "The Strain" on FX I have heard of it so I really like your tie-in to it! I'm very excited to see how you use Filch's character here as well considering he's not usually touched upon very often in fanfiction. The idea for this must have struck you like lightning or something because this is so different from the usual fics that deal with having to kill something bad and brand-new. I like it a lot!

Your characterization of Hermione so far is spectacular as well! Her growing restlessness in working in the Department of Magical Law seems very true to character for me as well because she is so talented and would want to spread that talent around. I'm also very excited to see how you develop all of these other characters you've created as well.

Branwen does deserve to have a character named after her because she is just such a wonderful person! :) This website is one of the reasons I continue to write fan fiction because of it's amazingly friendly and welcoming atmosphere. A really great start to what I'm sure is going to be a phenomenal novel!! Adding it to my reading list for sure, even though I'm not a huge fan of Romione. :) ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi Madi!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I'm so happy that you liked the first chapter of this! You're totally right to say that the idea hit me like lightning. My sister watches "The Strain," so she's gotten me into it. When someone challenged me to write a dark Romione, my brain just clicked, and this story was born! I'm also not a fan of Romione (at all!), haha! I'm a huge Dramione shipper, but since Laura (tangledconstellations) wanted to challenge me to write a Romione, I couldn't shy away from that! So we'll see if I do that couple any justice.

I'm really glad you liked the story's premise, as well as Hermione's characterization. I love writing for her so much, so that part at least will be a lot of fun. Also, I'm so happy that you liked that I named a character after Branwen, haha! She's so fabulous, so I couldn't resist.

Thank you again for reading and reviewing! I hope you like the rest of the novel as I write it!


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Review #20, by MadiMalfoyFinding Him: morning.

11th August 2015:
Hi! I'm here with the review you asked for about a month ago. :)

So firstly, yay for Scorose! I haven't read one in ages, so this was a nice reminder of why I like the pairing.

You've really intrigued me from the get go with the writing style--even though I've never read any of your other stories (which will soon be changing!)--it's unusual in general, and the fact you had it in your areas of concern made it stand out even more to me. Really, all I have is praise for the way you've started this story off! The style actually helps with the plot, in my opinion, because it is so unique. The plot in general is intriguing too--why does Rose feel this way about Scorpius after four years? And what happened between them and where is he? These are all really good questions for your readers to be asking, especially for the first chapter because it keeps them interested.

As far as grammar and punctuation goes, the only recurring thing I noticed was with dialogue. When you have the dialogue tag after the dialogue, it should be in this format: "quote," he said. So the spoken words end in a comma and the first word is not capitalized, unless it's a proper noun (a name). That's really the only CC I have for you with that, the rest of it is fairly smooth!

This is a great start to what I'm sure is quite the story! Please feel free to re-request for the next chapter or for anything else on your AP. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Ah, Scorose! I sometimes wonder if I could ever get tired of that ship. I'm pretty sure I wrote this story because I wanted to write this ship so bad and I jumped on it when I finally got a plot bunny.

Writing style was a concern, especially with this story since I started off with a different approach. I tend to jump into dialogue and action fairly quickly but instead I started the story off with a reflection. I'm very happy to hear that you think the style is working. Definitely makes me feel a tad relieved.

I'm glad you find the plot interesting! And yes, everything will start to unravel. I think that's the fun part of the story, I get to tell two at once, the past and the present.

Thank you for pointing out the dialogue part! I tend to be more aware of how I'm writing that but I wrote this chapter a fair while ago so I guess I missed that. If I remember correctly I did go back and fix that, it's just that took forever to get this review response up! Sorry about that!

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this! I cherish your comments and I will hopefully be more careful with editing in the future! It was lovely to hear from you!


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Review #21, by MadiMalfoyTraitorous Hearts: The Writing On the Wall

11th August 2015:
Hello again Penny! :)

So you already know how much I enjoy this story and even after not reading it for several months I could still remember everything (thank you for the chapter summaries, those helped a lot!!). But this chapter was--so far, at least--my favorite. You've managed to capture a friendship, however unlikely, between Astoria and Ginny that I feel could legitimately be canon. Both of them are strong-willed and strong-hearted, but exhibit these traits differently, and you express those differences beautifully.

Your main concern was the length of this chapter, but I honestly think it's the perfect length! I couldn't find a good place to split it because it all flows so seamlessly. You've got a great length here because it's not super long and it's not super short. You didn't have too much plot in here, nor did you have too little. It was perfect!

As always, loving the way this is going, and I can't wait to read more. Feel free to re-request for a review where I read several chapters and then respond as well. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hey Madi!
Thank you so much for this BEAUTEOUS review! I was feeling down bc I accidentally left my computer at a friend's house, which is an hour away from me, which means I don't get to write tonight like I'd planned :(. But this really helped cheer me up! Thank you so much!

I am SO excited that you liked the growing friendship between Astoria and Ginny! The first time I stuck them in a room together I was like...but wait, these two *have* to become friends. But, as you mention, it's an unlikely friendship. I wanted to make sure it didn't seem too far fetched. I felt like they gelled really well and, despite everything, that it felt natural, but it means so much to have that backed up. And you think this chapter is your favorite? Yay! *blushes*. :). I'm really fond of it.

Okay. Thanks for your comments on length. That helps. I'm just trying to make sure my chapter lengths are reader friendly, so I've been trying to reevaluate that lately. But I'm glad that this one passes muster.

Thank you so, so much again for your kind and considerate review! I'll definitely be over to re-request!

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Review #22, by MadiMalfoyThe Trial of Draco Lucius Malfoy: The Trial of Draco Lucius Malfoy

6th August 2015:

But really, don't. :P This was a great sequel and I enjoyed it! I've always wanted to see Draco's trial, and you wrote this beautifully and made it all seem very true to real life trials. Or at least as close as they can be considering it's a magical trial, but whatever.

I almost would have liked it to have been very close between the Wizengamot -- more like 40/60 or something where the votes would actually have to be counted. I feel like even with the wonderful romantic story of Draco and Hermione, many of the Wizengamot would still hold his actions as a Death Eater against him, considering his statement of love, no matter how real it is, as a trifling matter and not strong enough to overcome his crimes.

COULD YOU WRITE A SEQUEL TO THIS SEQUEL??? To get Ron & Harry's reaction to finding out that Draco's in love with Hermione and the possible feelings she has for him?? :D

Great as always, Ellie!! :) ♥
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hey Madi,

I'm so pleased you're enjoying the story. There will indeed be a sequel to this sequel. =)


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Review #23, by MadiMalfoyThe second stage of grief: Anger: Chocolate Frogs

17th July 2015:
Hello there! :)

I was just browsing through the recently added stories and came upon yours! The summary drew me in instantly so I just had to see what it was all about.

To be honest, this near about had me in tears. (Granted, it is one in the morning as I'm typing this, but I digress.) The way you've written this is beautiful. Your choice of words is remarkable and your descriptions of the scene and body movements is so fine, I can clearly picture exactly what is going on in my head. I felt Harry's surprise when Teddy metamorphed into Remus. I felt Teddy's anger at Tonks and Remus for leaving him. Really, I just want to continue gushing on and on about how beautifully you've captured this scene. There is clearly a very close relationship between Teddy and Harry here, and you've got that down so wonderfully. Teddy's ability with language as a ten-year-old is amazing as well, and you pulling in Lupin's intelligence as a trait Teddy inherited only furthers the sadness but also goodness of this tale.

Truly, a stunning piece! Wonderful job, dear. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello!
Wow that's so nice to hear!! And I see I'm not the only one with a (quite unhealthy) addiction of reading fanfics in the middle of the night!
I'm always very conscious of descriptions because I know that I have a tendency to over describe things. A lot of editing was required to achieve a description I was pleased with, so it's lovely to hear that you think it's good!
I always felt like Teddy would be quite a lot like his father in terms of intelligence and emotions, so I'm glad you caught the fact that it's an inheritance!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

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Review #24, by MadiMalfoyBetrayal: Dear Remus

16th July 2015:
Hi! MadiMalfoy here with the review you asked for about a month ago. :)

I don't think I've every read a fic focused around Sirius and Remus before, so this is definitely a first for me, so thank you! As far as your concerns go, you have nothing to worry about!

You pulled me in immediately with the letter from this mysterious woman Meredith. It made me ask questions like who is she, how is she important to Sirius versus Remus, why is she in the US, etc. From what I gathered from your story info, I'm assuming she'll be a love interest for Sirius or Remus? You've managed quite nicely in a short intro to capture my interest and keep the attention there to want to continue reading on. You used enticing language to describe the scenes and characters which exhibits your high skill level when it comes to that sort of thing.

I think you've got a great premise here and I'd be happy to come back again to help you improve! :) Feel free at any time to re-request.
~MadiMalfoy x

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Review #25, by MadiMalfoyThe Shadows Within: Prologue

15th July 2015:
Hi! I'm over from the forums with the review you asked for about six weeks ago! :)

Since you asked for just a general review, I'll touch on everything briefly.

You've done a great job setting up what I'm sure is going to be quite the dark story with this prologue! It's a nice length as well--it's not too short so we feel like something is missing, but it's also not too long so we feel like there's too much information given already. I really like your premise for this, I can already tell it's going to be quite the mystery and adventure.

With Voldemort's characterization, you've got him down pretty well so far. The intimidation factor is SO there and I love it! His movements and words and thoughts are so logical and straightforward and you capture that perfectly! His reasoning is sound and the way the other characters react to him give the reader the right perception of his persona. Voldemort's got this sort of eerie super calm demeanor and with the dialogue and body movements you give him it is apparent and there and that is a very cool thing!

Overall, a great start to what I'm sure is going to be a great First War fic. However you pull in the Marauders will be very well done, I'm sure of it! Please feel free to come back for more at any time! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for taking a peek at the start of this story. I appreciated all of your comments, especially about Voldemort's characterization. He is such an intimidating character to write so hearing that I did him justice makes me very happy. I'm glad you like the tone and are willing to continue on if I re-request. Thanks again! =)

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