Reading Reviews From Member: Serendipitous_love
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Serendipitous_loveAssignment 101: Meeting Maia

2nd September 2012:
Itís good to see the marauders done well! I love them. Yes, theyíre not too jokey right now but it shows that they do have serious sides, a truth not many seem to realise. The whole scene works well because it just fits! Iíd entirely expect this to happen. Itís well written too- the scenery is described perfectly so I might aswell be at the table too.

I like how you didnít make Sirius as suave as most do. How he relies only on his looks is a new concept and I quite like it. It makes him awkward and cute.

The whole idea you do need to be careful with- it can be clichť. I donít think it is yet, I think itís early days and does look promising. Yet, you have to think of movies like Bodyguard. Maia is pretty funny too, very stubborn and determined, I like! The whole piece is really good and full of promise. I like how the friends are, how itís written and everything. Keep it going!

Author's Response: Yeah, it's set when they're about 20 so the wars almost climaxing and it's hard for them to joke around as much as they used to. In saying that, there will be fragments of their humour flying around here and there :)

I'm also so used to Sirius having the "sex god" persona that I thought that there should be much more to the lost Black boy. He should be mysterious and reserved.

Yeah, I'm aware that this has a great potential of being a cliche. It might appear even more so at the end of the next chapter, but I can assure you (and all the other readers) that it is not! Expect the unexpected ;)

Hehe, thank you SO much for reviewing! I really appreciate you taking the time to write one!


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Review #2, by Serendipitous_loveAll You Need Is Love: The Next Generation: Fred

2nd September 2012:
Okay, let me begin with the first paragraph. Many say it is the first sentence that draws a reader in. Personally, I think it is the first paragraph. Which I love. There are a couple of mistakes but theyíre only minor. The paragraph is short and sweet and for a romance lover like myself, it is perfect. Since it goes on in the next with more explanation, brilliant.

The explanation of the double Fred problem was done perfectly. When next gen is written, I always expect one to absolutely loathe the rest of the Weasleys for some reason e.g. they love their sibling more or theyíre not as perfect as them. None actually have done Fred, which has so much promise. The thing I really like is his portrayal and how he still does love the family which I think is right- I mean, who wouldnít love the kind Weasleys? Címon!

Whilst not much happens, so much comes through! I really like that about this piece. Although it may be worth adding some description of past visits and his thoughts on her since this crush has a bit of suddenness about it, I think it is perfect. Itís full of promise and thoughts, letting us think about what might happen. Itís only a sort-of happy ending too, just the right sort for a piece like this!

Your descriptions are amazing. I loved Ďunder layers of cold stares and cracking knucklesí and some more. You really have a way with words that pull people in. I loved it. Overall it works well and I have no idea why you worry about your Fred- you went with it, it worked well in a whole different way. Oh, I forgot to mention- the idea of romance one shots for all is amazing.

Author's Response: Hello!

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly!

I can see what you mean by errors in the first paragraph - I submitted this in a hurry and I really must edit! I'm happy you liked the start, I agree with what you say about about the start of the story being important, and I hope I managed to get it right here!

I'm so happy i got the "Two Freds" thing right, and his relationship with the family. I didn't think i was hitting home there, but it must have been ok if you picked up on it!

Finally, I'll have to iron out the Anna thing - the crush is supposed to be sudden, but I want the reader to get a sense of why it happened - I'll definately keep what you said in mind when editing!

Thanks again!
B


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Review #3, by Serendipitous_loveOne Last Time: One Last Time

1st September 2012:
Starting with two big paragraphs is not a good idea. They look kind of daunting, like it is too much to read. This can be easily changed with a few spaces though so it is nothing to worry. Just make it into a few, easy to read paragraphs. The first line was really interesting. In addition to the explanation below, it works wonders. Itís not something a person reads about every day.

I just loved the use of pitter-patter. Personally, I would have just developed on the whole rain. Like, did you know it intensifies smells and with them being on the hillside it would have really added to it. How they got wet too, how heavy it was, would have added. That is just me though, it works so perfectly as it is. The scene is easily seen from your explanation already so well done.

ĎThe brilliant mind of Albus Dumbledore had gone blank on words.í This really is such a powerful line, Iím not sure youíre aware. It might do with some elaborating, just for some emphasis.

The whole scene is brilliant. I think you did well with slash and two very strong characters. Albus seems torn and Gellert is boyish and naive, perfect. This can be done differently, the characters can be changed and even made to maddeningly hate eachother. Each to their own then, you went with your own idea. You did brilliantly, might I add! I loved this whole idea- itís not something I get to see much so well done. (:

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Review #4, by Serendipitous_loveCome, Sugar: I Am Not Saved

31st August 2012:
The first paragraph is full of short sentences. All being either slow actions or thoughts(for want of a better word) or quick actions that seem to need to be rushed, helped on by the short sentences. The thoughts, like Ďthey say I will be okay.í It can be sort of confusing. I love the first sentence and if it were just all action for a start then that would be brilliant. I hope Iím making sense.

The sudden change of scenery is a bit... confusing aswell. I mean, after a few sentences we can understand. Yet, nothing is made clear. All in all, I do think this could honestly do with a go through. Itís good, you have a great idea and Iím not trying to say different but there is a lot left hanging- what happened before? Who? Why? Even simple stuff like what the weather is like give it a good basis, even for a small one-shot.

I do like your Scorpius. From the small amount he says and does I can comprehend how much has changed that he is now friends with Weasleys and such. It shows a comprehension and so well done. Your vocabulary is good. Very smart! However, it might do to simplify in some places. Just so as not to over explain or work. In other places, like when she describes herself, it works so well. It gives us a deep understanding not many can do! Your italic sentences are great too. Could be lyrics! To me theyíre like luring words from this hooded figure and I liked that fresh imagery!

I hope this review helps! You did do an amazing piece, well done.

Author's Response: I understand your confusion with the first paragraph. However, this is a stream of consciousness story, so technically, anything can or cannot make sense - it's all in the actual technique. It's meant to be that way.

Like I said, this is stream of consciousness and so, you're really not supposed to know. It's all about what's on the page for you to interpret. I'm an advocate of the notion that readers shouldn't have everything handed to them on a silver platter - they should have to interpret things for themselves and make their own conclusions about the text (like in literature class and what JKR did).

I'm glad you liked my Scorpius. Yes, my vocabulary is elevated, but again, I'm not a fan of simplification so that the reader can have everything they need to understand for the story. It's about art for art's sake - the beauty of the piece, the metaphors, the multiple interpretations, the similes, the willingness of a reader to look beyond the words and see the meaning.

Thank you for your review. I appreciate your time and response.


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Review #5, by Serendipitous_loveSimplicity: lavendula et viola tricolor

29th August 2012:
Blimey. Where do I start? I loved it. I didn't have much of a clue as to what it was about to begin with and even now I am a little bit baffled. Still, it was so brilliantly organised, written and explained that I love it.

My major question is, what happened with Pansy? That's a good question to leave someone with from your piece. But, for all we know she was sick, troubled or just moved on. I don't know!

This shows their development in such a strange, brilliant way. Character development is important to writing and here you've managed it, shown it, so well. Well done!

Little happened, we're vague, but it's the perfect style for this piece. Yes, I would love more. I would happily read a novel on them- let me know if you do!- but I guess it is good to leave me thinking. I love the use of flowers and the bleeding. Very symbolic and can easily be interpreted and visualised.

All I can say is well done! Hope this review explains myself but basically, I love it! Well done!

Author's Response: I'm so glad that you liked it! I was rather nervous about this one, since it's kind of different than something I've done before.

I've decided to leave the question about Pansy unanswered and up to the reader's discretion about what happened with her, because even Lavender herself never really did find out why she stopped coming to the garden.

Character development was really important in this one, as I wanted to show how Lavender changes throughout the story, and I'm really glad you think that I've shown it well!

Ooh, a novel on them sounds pretty interesting. I think I might be able to turn this into a short story in the future, but I also rather like it as a one-shot, because I meant it as a short, simple piece, so I don't know about making it longer, but I might try it in the future.

Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a wonderful review; I'm so glad you liked the story! :D


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Review #6, by Serendipitous_loveStill Life: chapter one

29th August 2012:
I love this piece! Right now it is raining too. Good ol' English weather making me picture this better. xD

I have nothing to criticize. I think everything was done so well. You went with a good idea and though you only made a one shot of the aftermath, it was brilliant! I love that sort since it gives the reader chance to imagine and come up with some conclusions whilst having questions buzz around their mind.

The emotion was perfect. Two men trying to be brave and wear masks but deep inside both broken. It came across even in Ron even though it was based on Harry so well done! I suppose Ginny's death didn't shock me but I have written it before and I don't care for her too much. Harry does though and the way he reacted was perfect.

All in all, it was a great one shot. Well written with good imagery, emotion and so on. I'm glad it gave a hopeful -because it's not happy but there is promise of a better future- prospect on the future.

Well done. (:

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Review #7, by Serendipitous_loveGone: Gone

29th August 2012:
The use of commas after speech is normal, except in some cases I have been taught not to. I always was told that itís only if it describes what they say, e.g. ďThat will be all,Ē he said, voice dark and dangerous. I hope that makes sense since I see cases where it is done wrong here.

Your image of Narcissa was perfect. You touched on how we know her with the splendour and how she has changed due to all that has happened. Like how you explain all that has changed you have done it in such a way that gives an image across to the reader without being too heavy.

The coupling of Lucius/Narcissa is not one I am keep on. I take them for granted but they arenít anything special to me. You show the other side, the one hidden behind the front that they want everyone to see. In such a way that makes it possible- my favourite kind of piece.

Your characterisation was done well- in all fairness they changed but that was to be expected. I also love how this is set after the battle, which is explained, and so we can imagine it well. I donít know what else to say but I hoped Iíve helped, it was really brilliant!

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

Yeah I tend to mess up a little when it comes to punctuation. I am working on it though :)

I am glad you liked my image of Narcissa. I am flattered that this fic of mine was your 'favourite kind of piece' xD

Your comments really made me smile. Thank you!


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Review #8, by Serendipitous_loveSectumsempra: Sectumsempra

28th August 2012:
I have no clue what to think. O:
Firstly, this is so well written. Your wording, punctuation and everything was perfect in my opinion. I could just imagine it all. Something that doesn't happen too often, not even with a published book!
What happened was the main part I considered. The kiss was a bit difficult- I couldn't help but wonder /if/ that would happen but then again, I'm not a major Drarry fan so that might be an influence- but it did seem to work in a strange, shocking but well written way. (That will probably only make sense to me but there you go.)
The last part too. Well done! You left me confused! It made it more possible- like that happened, they forgot and then went back to their normal lives. It gave me, the reader, something to think about- what happened? Who did it? All questions I get to consider!
Great work. It siriusly is so well written. (:

Author's Response: Thank you so so so much for reviewing!! So happy that you enjoyed it. I'm not a Drarry fan myself (I wrote this for a friend and as a challenge to myself) so really great to hear that it sounds sort of realistic ^^


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Review #9, by Serendipitous_loveArthur: Original Story

28th August 2012:
Oh! I thought this was really good. (:
I saw a few odd mistakes like wriggling instead of wiggling her eyebrows. To instead of too and such but they were only minor. C: My only other concern was it seemed like a quick run through but you did warn us. I think you should give it another good look at though, it deserves it!
It really is a good little piece though! I know you didn't give it much thought but you have done well. Arthur/Molly are such a sweet pairing that I love. They are taken for granted, though. Like they've always been together. This shows the other side while keeping true to character. Well done on such a sweet piece!

Author's Response: Thank you! I probably will go through it again at a later time and fix it and make it longer. Thank you for your review!

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