Here with your review! (finally. 'cause I'm a slacker...)
So you asked me to focus on The Potters, draw and descriptions and flow, so, this is what I'll try to focus on. :)
I might as well start with the Potters. I love the sense of family you have made within just these two chapters. Fabulous job in bringing out their personalities! I can really feel that the Potter house is a safe-haven, for really everyone, almost Weasley like, but different enough and I really love it. I think it would be nice to maybe see a little more physical description of your characters, especially the Potters, we get bits and pieces of people here and there, but it would be nice to be able to put a face to the personalities.
As far as drawing your audience in, I think you've done a good job here! I was glued to my screen and was only torn away for food. (Sorry, I was really hungry lol). You've really got a talent for writing personalities, I can tell who the people are and what they're like, and it makes them very real, the only thing that I think could add to this would be physical descriptors.
You've built the first chapter up very well. You've got everything I like to include in my first chapter 'formula' : powerful, descriptive first sentence. + character entrance + 'mini problem' + resolution of 'mini problem' + introduction of bigger, more serious problem + cliff hanger (because, who doesn't like evilly leaving their readers in suspense?)= perfect first chapter :D
In summarized form: powerful descriptions in that first sentence, right away I was pulled in by your use of luscious descriptors. Right away you start introducing our characters and what sets them apart from every other character, what makes them special, pulling us in again with their oddities, yet leaving enough that we're curious. You give us this mini, distraction of a problem; Sirius' elongated absence and the worry, then you solve it by him coming back and BAM! the bigger, more serious picture - Lily's parents are dead. Cliff Hanger. Wouldn't have done it any differently myself!
The only thing I would suggest maybe taking a look at is in the first chapter.
'Just as Mr. Potter had made up his mind to go find Sirius, a deafening roar filled the room. James shot into the front of the house, his hand gripped the door handle like a lifeline as he thew it open; a blinding white light came tearing in. With a flash, the noise had ceased and the light was gone. James and his parents, who had followed directly behind him, stood gaping at the large boy sitting on a much larger motorcycle.'
I actually had to read this a couple times to make sure I got it right. At first, the way you describe the deafening roar in the room, automatically made my mind snap to a mental image of something going on INSIDE the room. It is then followed by 'James shot into the front of the house'. This sounds a little awkward to me, I'm not entirely sure of the layout of this house, but when I read that I almost think they're outside as per the 'into' part. So obviously, after that, Sirius' entrance is a little confusing. At this point, when I first read it I actually pictured them on like the front porch or on the front lawn or something of that nature. I think maybe altering some things around in there might help clarify what you mean here. I might also, possibly be the only one who thought that when I read it.
Otherwise, you've done a really great job here, your descriptions are really well done and you've done a really great job with this. I really like Lily and James' connection and his worry for her. I also feel like you've nailed everything cannon wise - as far as what we hear about the Potters I think you've done a superb job with them. Keep it up!Author's Response: Hi there!! I am so sorry this review has taken this long to respond to!
I'm so happy this pulled you in, that's one of the most important things to me for a first chapter. I can definitely see how that motorbike scene would feel confusing, haha! I'll have to go through and edit that! Thank you for pointing it out.
I am so in love with the Potter's as a family, so getting a good feeling from them was a huge goal for this chapter. I could go on and on about the kind of people I think they were, but I'll save you the bore ;).
I have been thinking about adding more description to this first chapter for a while, so I think I'll absolutely take your advice and work on their physical appearances some more.
Thanks so much again for taking the time to read and review this, you have a great reviewing style and this was extremely helpful!!
You know, it's really quite unusual how you come about describing things.
You describe the people physically and emotionally quite exquisitely, and yet I'm still a little perplexed by how you choose to use your setting descriptions.
The original post you made requesting a review was very adamant on making sure the story could technically stand alone, as if it were a novel on it's own. A reasonable inquiry if I ever saw one, and so I am perplexed, and I shall explain.
In comparison to the first chapter, there is more setting description going on here, that I will definitely agree. What gets me a little is how and what you choose to use it on, with the idea of what you are wanting.
You describe the 'non-canon' locations with more detail than the canon ones, which could be determined by the fact that you're basing it off of somewhere you've physically been verses somewhere you haven't.
What is the problem with this? Well, if I were to start reading this and didn't know it was related to Harry Potter at all, the original locations, which we see momentarily are described in such a nature, that they seem to hold a heavier importance than the canon, well trodden, well loved locations.
Now, with the assumption that you're kind of looking for something that could stand on it's own I think a little work will need to be done with the distribution of of description, if you know what I mean.
Make the reader see what you're seeing, believe that all the locations are real, breath life into your world. This is your story, this is your world now. It doesn't matter how many times JK Rowling described a place, you describe it how you see it, as if the reader has never heard of it before.
You say the Burrow is a sprawling cottage. What does that look like to you? To some, the idea of a cottage, is a small cozy place, with wood floors, a real wood fireplace, tucked back in the forest where the sun sets to the sound of croaking frogs and the haunting cries of loons echoing across the lake. To others however, cottages are expensive, lake-side properties with full electricity and flat screen TVs, topped off with fancy 'toys' that they spend hours of their days ripping around the water and roads alike on, the chatter from the gathering of family, friends and neighbors the last sounds before drifting off to sleep. So you see, how YOU perceive the location, reflects what we, the reader see. I'm sure both of those little descriptions gave you two distinctly different cottages in your head.
To me, the Burrow is a mash-up of real locations and fictional ones alike brought together. The living room a bit like the layout of a house I lived in when I was younger, the kitchen, somewhat like that we see in 12 Grimmauld Place of the movies, and an upstairs similar to my best friend's old house. All with a patchy, well loved, slightly worn Weasley touch we see of the Burrow in CoS.
We begin to see this love with your original places, and even then, some more can be added, don't spend forever on what your characters are taking in, but things like, he sat down on the wobbly kitchen chair. Even that gives the reader an image in their mind. I personally, immediately picture an old kitchen table set we had at Mum's with the legs falling apart like this one chair at my Dad's.
It's important to describe, but also to distribute. Locations that don't have a strong presence in the story, don't need nearly the detail that the frequented ones do.
Just like in real life, first impressions count for everything, what are the characters impressions, what makes that so?
Remember to try and use the five senses when describing places: touch, taste, sight, smell, and sound. And it's definitely not expected that you use them all to describe everything, just remember that you're not JUST limited to sight. They'll trigger a more realistic experience for your reader ;)
Great work so far, can't wait to read the new chapter! If you want more reviews let me know, hopefully this one was helpful! Keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks very much for this - a really thought-provoking review that, I think, hits the nail well and truly on the head and sums up the way I write/have written the last few chapters.
It has really made me think hard about what I'm going for in the text and is immensely valuable for that fact. My instinctive first reaction when I read that review were "but everyone knows what the Burrow looks like" - I think that sums up where I am with the writing (i.e. lazy with descriptions of scenery and over-reliant on JKR's canon when it comes to that) versus where I could be/need to be if I want to hit the next level. My excuse is that the stories are more about the people than the places, but that's pathetically lame. I should probably clarify that I meant whether this story stands alone without reading my first one, not whether it stands alone outside the Potterverse - the answer to that is, clearly, no!
I know things are unlikely to be much better in the next few chapters (as they're already written) but I will make a conscious effort with the rest of the story to target this depth of description - I know I can be single-minded to a fault and that clearly rubs off in the writing style.
Sheriff Report Review
You asked me simply if your first chapter was good enough to pull the reader's attention in without reading the previous story, and the answer is yes!
I personally, have not read the other story, but I definitely plan to continue reading this piece as it seems it will be really interesting.
Other than that, I did see one spot I believe there to be a mistake in: 'will expected to liaise'
I believe it should say 'will be expected to liaise', otherwise it doesn't really make sense.
You've got the perfect balance of fresh material and familiar material to drag an 'outside' reader in, with the appearance of a couple familiar faces and obviously, your own storyline.
Really great job, the way you've written this, I can see a reader who's read the last one not being bored with it, you've hinted at descriptions and hobbies etc. in a fashion that makes it informative to new readers and a refreshing pick up for old ones.
Maybe some more setting description would be nice. Just something to give us a sense of the space they are in, other than 'the headmaster's office' and 'the open concept flat', things that aren't so vague and may give a little more to the overall feel of things, colours, lighting things like that definitely add a tone, whether expected or not. I think adding just a couple of these things might bring more to this chapter.
Brilliant job! I'm off to read more!Author's Response: Thank you :-)
Spot on with the error - amazing how those things can creep through even after a dozen proof-reads! I think I was trying to make my mind up between "will be" and "are" and went for the grammatically inept compromise...
A couple of people have commented that I can be a bit sketchy on my descriptions of settings and surroundings, so I'll certainly target that a little more closely in the later chapters (writing #12 at the moment). I think I get distracted by the dialogue & emotions [/excuses].
Thanks again - and hope you find the time to look at the rest. Do feel free to drop another review!
Sheriff Report Review
This is quite a powerful piece when the full meaning is taken in. I must admit though, there are parts which, without the warnings at the start (ie. sexual nature, sensitive topic etc.) I would have been left in a little confusion, unsure if what I was thinking was what was meant or not.
You asked mostly for reader reaction and such, so that's what I plan to focus on here.
What I said above is a big contributing factor, I think. There's two ways I really look at this, one is from a readers standpoint and another is from shall we say an 'artist's' standpoint.
From the reader's standpoint:
The descriptions and actions are really quite vague, we don't really know what's going on, past or present. Everything in kind of in snippets and the picture really doesn't come completely to light until the very end of the story. The reader is forced to think deeper into the story, past just surface reading to gain the full effects of the story, which I think is true to most good pieces of writing.
From the 'artist's' point of view:
Very deep and powerful. The passages of what essentially becomes a very powerful poem are very striking and their distribution throughout the story is brilliant. The emotions that your characters are displaying are enforced by that poem so much and it really helps bring them out even more.
The way you write like the character would (I imagine) be experiencing, kind of gliding through everyday life really reflects the characters emotions and their feeling of worth.
Overall, I think what you have here is great. I do think it could be improved with a little more description here or there, but I feel like that's what you were going for- part of the gliding through everyday life, what the character is actually experiencing as opposed to what is physically going on around them.
I think a little more prodding in the direction you intended for this story to go would probably be helpful. I really think what you have here is great though.
Reader Reaction: wow, once overall picture has sunk in.
Emotions: bang on.
Imagery: Slight improvement could be used, overall though fairly good.
Descriptions: Also, I think certain things could use a little more description, but overall, well done.
I Hope this was helpful to you! And I really think you do have a wonderful piece, which many of the readers here would/ will enjoy! :)
Keep it up!Author's Response: Yeah, it is a pretty loaded topic, isn't it? You see, you said you were unsure if what you were thinking was actually meant - that's the beauty of most of my pieces, especially this one - it's all up to you as the reader to define what the story means to you. :)
I sort of like that it's vague, you know? Like you said, it makes the reader think deeper into the story. It gives the reader a chance to exercise his/her awesome brainpower and really dig into /any/ piece!
I like that you've gauged this from a reader/artist standpoint, so thank you for that! Wow, like a powerful poem? Oh, what a wonderful compliment, thank you!
I understand what you mean about a little more descriptions here and there - I guess it's just that I don't want to take away from what you mentioned about the character "gliding" through everyday life. This event is supposed to have negated everything she has known up to this point about everyday life and the world around her, does that make sense?
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hi there, so you asked if I could review on something other than your first chapter so this is mostly for chapters 2 and 3.
So I'm going to start with flow, as it's something you said you would like to be looked at.
There's a couple odd spots that I think you might want to reconsider. You break you chapters into sections, which is completely acceptable, however, I noticed in a couple spots a change in 'narration'. Your story is obviously third person, with a knowledgeable narrator who 'knows' what the characters are thinking and feeling etc. This is great, but means when you're focusing on one character you can't go switching to another's thoughts or feelings. To show you what I mean:
'Ummm... Okay? Have I forgotten to put trousers on? Hermione was racking her brains to try and understand Ron's look.
MERLIN! When did she get those? I mean, Ron tried to look at something other than Hermione's breasts, in seven years I should have noticed them right? Look somewhere else Ron, what is she gonna think of you otherwise? Lacking options, he went back into the house to help his mother bring the food out.'
And we see this in a section that earlier, is expressing Harry's emotions. The majority of this section is focusing on Harry, so you're technically switching narrators without any heads up to your readers. Reworking sections like this will help you improve the overall flow of your story, ultimately making it easier for your readers to read.
As far as characters go, they mostly seem to be to cannon, there's a couple parts here and there, that to the books I would be a little bit iffy on, HOWEVER with the way the characters would have been influenced by the battle, I believe that you're probably pretty close to cannon. (The places I'm talking about are like Hermione saying 'Might I ask why you just turned those stairs into a fucking chute?') I feel like it wouldn't really be something Hermione would say, but after the battle we don't know exactly how the characters change so it's difficult to say if this would in fact become a regular part of her vocabulary.
Also in regards to the Ron/ Hermione section you have written 'blue tank top, a jeans jacket'. There's two ways you can fix the tiny mistake here 1) take off the 's' on 'jeans' ;) or 2) call it a denim jacket lol
So that's that for review, I enjoyed reading your work, and I hope you find this useful! You've done quite a good job and I have to admit, I love the Harry/ Ginny moments! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for answering so fast!
Yeah, changing narrators, I know, I need to work on that. But I felt like I needed to put in a bit of Romione in the chapter, and I couldn't see any other way of inserting that into the chapter. I'll definitely be editing though, thanks for pointing it out!
Ah, Hermione swearing! I may have injected a little too much of myself in that part... Guilty, your honour. Looking back at it now, it doesn't seem to fit. That will also be edited - when I edit...
The jeans jacket is a swap from French, it happens sometimes, and I never notice it. Thank you for seeing that!
I'm happy you enjoyed reading, that last paragraph made my day! Your review was as useful as can get, thank you so much for it!
:) Report Review
Read up to this point so far, and I have to say this is quite an interesting story! I love how you've progressed with the language and grammar even, not only reflecting his age in actions and emotions, but in the physical writing itself- Brilliant!
Very cleverly written, I must say, and your characters, I would say are quite true to cannon. I did see a couple of mistakes throughout the chapters I've read so far (unfortunately I forgot to keep which chapters they're from):
'Then, he stopped breathing together.'
Should be 'altogether'.
'letting them ago and pulling'
In reference to his father's robes, but should be 'go' rather than 'ago'.
'just ran through the words screaming swear words'
The first 'words' should be 'woods', though running through words might be quite an interesting adventure! ;) haha!
as good a chance of attending that school
Is typically written 'as good OF chance' but by common annunciation, is made into 'a'. Might be something you contemplate changing, but as I believe it was spoken it could probably be kept as is.
Great story! And I do plan on coming back to read the rest, but I need a bit of a break now! lolAuthor's Response: Hi there! Firstly fair play for reading this far into the story. Usually in the review tag, people just read and review one chapter, so fair play!
I'm glad you liked the idea of the physical writing expressing Remus's age. I wrote it normally at first, but it didn't quite achieve the effect I wanted it to, so I changed it, and I really like it as it is now, so I'm glad you do too. :)
Sorry about all the typos, I never can spot them all no matter how many times I read over it! I've changed them all, except the last one, just because it's a spoken line and I think it sounds better the way it is (plus the way it is is the way I say it myself)
Anyway, thanks so much for reading and reviewing. If you do indeed come back to read the rest, I hope you enjoy it!
This is definitely a twist I've yet to see in a fic! I think you really did well displaying the emotions that are held between the guide dog and owner. My blind friend has a dog and this seems kind of like that, different obviously, but the relationship I think is similar.
Being as she is deaf, this story really gives the chance for some rich visual descriptors, play it up! What does she look like? You could also go to town on feel. What does the sand feel like? etc.
I feel like this would help flesh out your character a bit, to let the reader know more what it's like to be deaf. When one sense is lost, the others generally heighten to compensate for it, so I really think adding in some descriptors of the other sensory details would add tremendously to this already quaint little story.
Very well done, I enjoyed this piece! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, I'm glad you liked my story :) I'll look in revising this and adding more about the other senses, but I'm glad you liked my portrayal of the relationship between Dom and Joey.
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Love seeing a piece on the relationship between Harry and Hermione! This is really well done and I quite enjoyed it. You've grabbed a very memorable scene here and I love what you've done to it.
So, I'll start with your characters here:
Your characters are quite believable and stay pretty true to canon, however, I don't know how caught up in gossip Hermione would be, but we do see bits and pieces of this throughout the books, specifically the one this scene came from, so it's still passable I think. ;) (and if not quite cannon, still good anyways!)
Other than that I don't really have much to say, other than job well done! :)Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it :D this was actually a chapter of another story. I'm revamping it and now this doesn't fir anywhere. But I love Harry and Hermione's friendship so I really didn't want to completely delete this chapter. Hehe sorry for rambling...
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!! Ohh yeah the gossip part. Hermione did tell Ginny to date other guys. That's why I picked on that. Hope I didn't overdo it :(
Thanks again for the review :D
*Hugs* Report Review
The build up and the revealing of the characters, I always love it!
So first I shall address the characters:
They are both lovely and believable, you give subtle hints through the beginning, so I already knew it was Astoria and Draco before you even had to say it. So, overall you've reflected the characters well, their tones and actions seem to be realistic to what I feel would be canon after the battle of Hogwarts and their school years.
Overall, I think you really did the characters justice, it would be nice to see a few more physical descriptors used. Though, I believe you do touch on some very key ones like grey eyes and fine blonde hair for Draco, but you don't really give us anything about Astoria.
Past the characters, I was left with a couple questions come the end of the story, you mention things like her sister's survival and then that happiness being crushed, which leads me to believe that this probably takes place right after the Battle of Hogwarts. However, I feel like Draco wouldn't have broke his Slytherin ways and tended to a Ravenclaw this soon after the battle. Maybe some clarification on that? I think it might be a nice touch, to really allow the readers to evaluate the true surge of all the emotions the characters are feeling.
Overall though, a really effective story and I quite enjoyed it! Good job, keep it up! :)Author's Response: Thankyou! :)
Well Daphne actually dies a good half year after the war, because I assumed that's probably how long it took most people to resume their lives in a normal fashion and rebuild them. So yeah, it's not exactly right after the battle...and who's to say Astoria was Ravenclaw? ;) I should probably clear that up when I edit the story though! thanks for pointing it out.
I really appreciate the review! :) Report Review
Love it! haha!
I really liked how you switched points of view, you really tied them together well, one ending and then the other would pick up with basically the same thought. It's like there's on the same brain wave without even knowing it, they both feel anger towards each other for basically the same thing.
I really like the descriptions and stuff you have in here, they really put an image in your mind as to what the characters look like. You did very well with your descriptive focus on the characters, which was obviously intentional and well executed.
Also with the characters, their tones and attitudes are so believable. I can definitely see this as being how the real James and Lily felt. However, conveyed through this the one thing I might touch on is incorporating something a little past physical attraction. You've touched gently on him being oblivious or dumb and her being smart, but is it a contributing factor to their attraction?
Here and there I think a little more description of the setting would be nice, but what you have here is solid and if you don't feel comfortable adding more detail to the setting than I wouldn't push too hard for it.
Like I said, this is really good, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! I think you should definitely try something like this again. :)Author's Response: Thank you! haha!
I'm glad you picked up on the POV thing - not many people did, so I was a bit worried that no one would figure it out :/ That was exactly what I was going for with the "same brain wave" thing, so good job on that!
Thank you :D I was kind of going for them "only having eyes for each other," so obviously there's going to be a lot of focus on just the two of them. I'm glad you found the description to be well executed.
Ahaha, well this is my first Lily/James so I'm happy to know that I got them right. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to write them correctly.
To be honest, I wrote this a very long time ago and I haven't read it since I posted it, so I can't speak much to your points :/ I didn't really edit this before I put it up even though I feel I've gotten a lot better at writing since I wrote this. But I'm sure that your points are very valid since you've just read it. If I ever /do/ go back and edit this I will definitely make sure to work on the things you've mentioned here, so thank you so much for pointing them out. And I'll keep these thoughts in mind for any of my future writing endeavors.
Thank yoouu for such a lovely and helpful review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and if I ever come up with some more plot bunnies I'll make sure to try them out. Thanks again ♥ Report Review
haha! The musings of Trevor, now this is a fresh and unique piece! I love how you've made him like a human, the way he thinks, the way he communicates with other animals... I also love how he's completely aware of Neville's standing in the school, how he's bullied and 'stupid' etc.
What the heck even happened to Trevor in the books? Maybe one day he actually got away! :O You totally wrote right before the night of Trevor's escape! :D haha!
Really enjoyed this quirky little piece and for a spur of the moment thing I think you did a really good job on it!Author's Response: Animals always seem to be able to understand things just like humans can, whilst maybe not being able to understand them fully! People tend to assume that they are jut things that do as you say, so I wanted to give him another side for people to think about.
I have always wondered that too! I guess he must have escaped.
Thank you for the review! Report Review
The emotion in this is... powerful. Really lovely piece you've written here. You've done a really good job displaying the emotions of your characters, you've got awkward and nervous Lily and then the emotionally wrecked Severus. The contrast between the two is easily recognisable and I think that adds even more to this.
I never really pictured this moment happening, I don't know why, but in my mind it never happened, so to read it was quite interesting. You did a really good job, and I think regardless of if it did or didn't happen you wrote it the way it would have been!
Great work!Author's Response: Haha this actually happened a million times, in a million different ways in my head. I'm terribly invested in this ship, you see. But thank you so much for the review I'm not even sure I deserve :')) I'm glad that it was able to convey something despite the obviously lacking word count ;o; Thank you! Report Review
Great story here. I haven't read anything Astoria before, but I love what you've done with this story.
I very much enjoyed the web you created with your characters, it reminds me very much of the Black family. One member is cast out of the family, and two remain.
I always find it interesting how people portrait the different points of views during the battle. However interesting, they all eventually become the same; character is torn between staying and leaving underage or not, slips grasp of friend, stays to fight. You've added something however, that I have yet to see: after the decision. It's always written after that an epic battles ensues, and, well I'm sure you know the rest, but what you've added is something unique that I've only seen in this story. And it worked.
Surely other things had to have been going on in the castle at the time, and I could imagine that some people would use the battle as a cover to inflict injury on others. You've got it here, and so I must say, well done! This is a great story!Author's Response: I'd never thought about the Black family parallel, actually, but that's interesting, and I can see why you would - there is a sense of two v. one, isn't there?
Thank you so much for the review. I'm glad you liked this story! :) Report Review
wow. You know, I've never really thought of what Sirius would have been doing the night James and Lily died. I really think you've nailed it right here though.
You kind of breathe emotions into Sirius here, in the books we really only see a very limited range of Sirius' emotion, most of it being joy as he's out of Azkaban and gets to see Harry, we see some others in there as well, but nothings quite like this really.
One spot I noticed that could use some attention is this one:
'Maybe Peter was captured and the Death Eaters wanted to throw Sirius off their trail. Give them more time to torture out the truth from the boy he had been friends with for half his life.'
I don't feel like this should be two sentences, however together like that I think they'd make a bit of a run-on sentence. I would suggest rethinking the fragmenting of it. It's definitely one idea, so I would suggest bringing them into once sentence, however I also don't think a semi- colon would work there either...
You might have to do some rewording to reach the same image you wanted before, but I think it's definitely doable.
Also, this is something to contemplate as well:
'They’re alive! Goddamnit! They have to be!'
When I read this as it is technically written it doesn't really sound right. If I say it the way I would say it in this situation it's 'They're alive, goddamnit! They have to be!' also, goddamnit isn't really a sentence on it's own.
Just my two knuts there, hopefully you find them useful! Thanks for a good read, and great work! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the awesome review! I'll definitely play around with those sentence a bit, although I was pulling more for the choppy structure to match Sirius's erratic thoughts, but I'll see there's a way to achieve that without botching sentence structure too much.
Thanks again for this awesome review!!
Jami Report Review
Awe! It's just so adorable! I can't say I ever tried to return my own brother, can't say I was particularly fond of his appearance at the time either. lol XD
I love how you started this, no one has names, they're just eyes. I was getting the perfect mental picture! I can really picture this happening, it doesn't seem... unreal? It seems perfectly plausible and therefore, wonderfully written!
The detail put into this is really something special, right down to the childish pronunciations, you certainly left no stone unturned!
The only thing I really noticed that could possibly use some attention is:
'Albus took a few minutes longer since his small legs were shorter than James[...]'
Two things about this sentence:
1. James needs an apostrophe on the end, as you are speaking of his own legs. (James' legs).
2. Part of the sentence isn't really necessary and is actually a little repetitive. The manner in which you are using smaller and shorter is the same, so you really only need to use one or the other. You could alter it slightly to achieve what I think you were going for, something like 'Albus took a few minutes longer since his small legs just wouldn't move him as fast as James' '. Of course, what you have there still works.
Just a thought there, but you've got a really great story here, and you've really done a masterful job with it!Author's Response: Aw, don't say that about your brother! Can't really blame you, I suppose. The way I have heard it, my brother didn't particularly love me when I first arrived into the world. The curse of younger siblings, I suppose.
That's so nice of you to say that about the opening! I almost have this aversion to putting any names at all in stories, so I'm glad that you didn't find it too disconcerting when I went on about two little pairs of eyes, haha.
Thank you also so much for saying that about the detail. I do try to put detail in my stories and I'm not sure how well it translates to the reader, so it's always something special when a reader tells me that they appreciated it.
Argh, the curse of editing. I swear, the day that I actually post something without errors will be the first sign of the apocalypse. I will definitely take what you have said into consideration, so thank you for pointing those two things out to me!
Thanks for your review (and apologies in how long it took me to respond to it!),
Jasmine :) Report Review
wow. Definitely a powerful piece, a little confusing as to who is who, but even then- powerful. I think this whole piece seems really planned out and I can only imagine how difficult it was to write, part of what makes it so genius!
I'd say you should maybe consider fleshing out who's who a little more, but I feel like that would take away from the piece you have here. It might be possible, but I think it would be difficult, possibly slip in a couple descriptors here and there that might tip us off as to who you are talking about? Just a thought.
I just don't even know what to say, I think you did a fabulous job here! It leaves so many questions and intriguing ideas! Again, incredible job.Author's Response: Do you really think so? :D So many people found this one-shot a little - or a lot - confusing, but that was such a sweet thing to say so thanks! I admit, I really struggled writing this, and you're right, it was heavily planned but I'm glad it turned out so well and that you like it :)
That seems like a good idea, I might try it out someday if I ever come back to revamp this. Of course, revamping all of my stories a little is on my to-do list, so I'll definitely take your tips into account for this one-shot. Thanks so much for such a lovely review, and I'm so pleased you liked this! :) Report Review
Quite interesting! I'm enjoying this fun, playful story and am interested in where you'll take it!
I only noticed one mistake in there and that was 'payed'. Now, I looked into this to see if there was another spelling for 'paid' and found that 'payed', though a word, is a nautical term for sealing wood on a boat with pitch or tar to prevent leaks of any sort. So you'll definitely want to switch that! haha!
I also might consider in your second paragraph there that you put The Incident into quotation marks or remove the capitals. I assume the capitals are there because they literally call the situation 'The Incident', but if that's the case as it's kind of applying it to the situation it should be in quotations... Not quite sure if I've explained that very well, hopefully you know what I mean.
Otherwise I can see this turning into quite an interesting and amusing story. I love how you've portrayed the characters! Great job!Author's Response: Whoa, I should really change that. And, yeah, 'The Incident' should have quotation marks. Oops. Thank you for pointing those out to me, I'll change them.
Thank you. I'm glad you love the characters, as I've never written them before, and I hope you continue to enjoy reading this fic. I hope it stays interesting and amusing. :P
Sam. Report Review
Okay, trying this again here. So. Review the person above me take 2! :D
First off, HILARIOUS! I love where this is going, it's definitely the making for a mischievous and witty tale. I can definitely see it becoming an epic battle back and forth between the two families.
I did see a couple simple mistakes in there I'd like to point out to you:
1. 'James flooed at his godfather's place[...]'
I believe this sentence would flow better with a 'to' as opposed to the 'at'.
2. '[...]Ron said curiously as he got out the stuff to prepare diner.'
Simple typo here, dinner has two 'n' s silly! ;) haha!
3. 'The wizarding world really is abusing of those poor creature[...]'
Creature should be pluralised here to be creatures.
4. '[...]when he taught about it, amongst all his nephews and nieces,[...]'
I believe you meant thought here as opposed to taught.
5. I also noticed in there my first time reading this that you mention Kreacher, but you added a 't' in but his name has none. :)
I also love how you've given the next gen a little more depth. I see many stories where they have 'personalities' but they never seem to have actual interests. In this story you've got Rose who's all about social causes, James who likes comic books and girls etc. It really adds a unique touch to your story!
I can't wait to see where you take this!
Great work!Author's Response: Hi and thank you so much for this full review!!
This was one of my first stories and I never really went over it to correct the spelling errors and typos but this review just gave me the motivation to do it. Everyhing you pointed out will help me a lot through my review, especially the "dinner" word; I didn't know it was spelled like that in English (in French, it's with only one "n" so that's why it seemed correct to me).
I'm glad you liked my perspective on the next gen. It has changed a bit since I wrote that story but it's still pretty close to how I picture them. Thanks again for your help and your kind words, it made my day!! Report Review
AH! This story is so good! I need more! haha! Love the way you've built it up and really brought out like the two different worlds: war heroes and ex death eaters, lovely work! Please update soon, will be dying in suspense until then! ;)
--C. W.Author's Response: Awww thanks! I gave you some more! Thankss.just wait a few chappies :D lol :D Thanks for reviewing Report Review
Love, love, love! I have, as of late, become obsessed with Draco/ Hermione fics, loving this one so far! Love how it's not Post-Hogwarts but rather their actual time at Hogwarts. Really well done! Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Wow! Thanks so much for the great compliments! I hope to start working on chapter 11 soon! Thank you again for taking the time to leave me a review! I hope you continue to enjoy the story and dramione's!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
Wow. There are very few stories I find that I just have to keep reading, this has turned out to be one of them. There were a few typos here and there but the story itself is what really got me. The thought you must have put into this to have the twists you did (though I know sometimes it just happens ;) ) the more amazing part is that whether completely planned or not at all, you managed to make it come out as an intricately woven tale. Fantastic! Report Review
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