Reading Reviews From Member: blackballet
171 Reviews Found

Review #1, by blackballetAtonement Is Coming: Nightmares And Caterwauling Charms

24th August 2015: maybe it wasn't Draco. Anyway, can't wait to read more!


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Review #2, by blackballetAtonement Is Coming: The Dungeon

24th August 2015:
Ah! I'm even more excited about this chapter. I'm going to predict that this mysterious figure is Draco Malfoy. I could be completely wrong, and you don't have to acquiesce me, but I feel that this would be a good redemption story for him.

Also Minerva seems like the type of person to know how to deal with a kidnapper. She'll tell him everything he asks, but no more.

Can't wait for the next one, honestly!


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Review #3, by blackballetAtonement Is Coming: A Surprise Announcement

24th August 2015:
Okay, so I love this chapter even more. I do this excessively in my novel Valour, which I'm almost embarrassed to admit. In one chapter, everything is going to the toilet and in the next everything is blossoming. I can't wait to see when everything comes together and ruins Harry's happiness again! Hooray for pessimism!

Other than that, I'm so glad that you decided to make Hagrid James' godfather. I think it is a smart decision, and seems like something that Harry would do when considering that Ron is already his brother-in-law. It also proves that Harry has grown up since the war.

This chapter further provided to give an update on everyone's life, and that is particularly helpful for those of us who aren't exactly pros at Next-Gen lineage.

I can't wait to read the next! (Sidenote: I might review the next chapter, making that my fifth review win our swap. This doesn't mean you have to review five of my chapters. I just love this story!)


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Review #4, by blackballetAtonement Is Coming: A Shadowy Threat

24th August 2015:
Wow! It is so great to start a novel of yours. First off, I simply love the premise. I've truly never read anything like it, and I think it's an interesting concept. It makes sense, especially because Harry's generation was basically torn apart. It makes sense that these Hogwarts Era kids don't trust the Ministry, and have on problem taking down authority because really, what have they ever done to gain the trust of the youth? I love it.

It's a perfect start to your story and a great introduction to your characters. I could feel the tenseness between the fake McGonagall and the aurors when she realized that Kingsley was missing an earring.

The only thing I found slightly lacking were your amazing descriptive skills! I know you have them, and I think this chapter could've used some more setting analysis.

Nevertheless, I love this and can't wait to read more.


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Review #5, by blackballetThe Sorrows Of The Moon: Catechisms

24th August 2015:
Again, oh my gosh!

This one-shot gave my heart the shivers, I swear. I felt so connected to Madeliene instantly. She also reminds me of Remus, and I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it sure did pull my heartstrings.

I think your description was spot on, as I usually think. I know that sometimes you can feel insecure about a specific part of your writing, but I think that description is one of your strong suits. Whatever you're writing, I feel like I could be there in a flash if I just closed my eyes. It's truly amazing to read.

Again, I'm so glad I have the opportunity to read one of your masterpieces!


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Review #6, by blackballetPitch Black Night: Chapter 1

24th August 2015:
Oh my gosh! I'm suddenly in love with wolfstar.

Beyond that, I absolutely loved the structure of this one-shot. Your descriptions are so well developed and intricate I feel as if I am in the scene myself.

You never resorted to telling the reader what an object was. For example: the Invisibility Cloak was never a cloak or a sheath. All you told us was that Mrs. Norris didn't detect Sirius. That was all you needed, and it's all you gave.

I commend you on your ability to only use what's necessary. I have definitely not mastered that yet, and it makes your story have a purpose that doesn't seem forced.

On to Remus and Sirius. I feel that Remus' reaction was spot-on. It was a perfect reveal, and also a perfect description of Sirius transforming. The only problem I had with that scene is that I would've expected all they boys to be there. Although, I suspect Sirius just wanted a moment alone with Remus *wink wink*.

Congrats on such a fulfilling one-shot!


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Review #7, by blackballetThe Kings and Queens of Hogwarts : Just Another Marauders Day

24th August 2015:
Hello! I'm here from the forums completing a review swap I promised.

First of all, I love how you've introduced the characters. I use a similar tactic in one of my novels, and thought it was fairly clever and useful. However, I was not sure if you were speaking as a narrator or as an author, because when you admitted to not having a song for Peter, you asked for the readers to mention one. If you're talking as an author, I would suggest putting it in an author's note like you did at the end of the chapter. Otherwise, it takes away from your story.

I did really love the description of the group right before you introduced the characters, though. It was very blunt and decisive. I felt like the third person voice is unashamed of the Marauders' popularity, and it works well for the tone of the story so far.

The first chapter was a nice start at introducing the antagonists as well. You captured the childishness of the James, Sirius, and your characterization of Dorcas incredibly. The only minor complaint I have about a character is Bellatrix. You refer to her as Bellatrix Lestrange, but her maiden name is Bellatrix Black. I doubt that she would be married while she was still in Hogwarts.

I do love that Lily let slip that she is interested in the prank even after she threatened to punish Dorcas. It shows that she is also just a kid and still wants to have fun. The only complaint I have is with the interaction between her and James. I don't feel that Lily would tolerate him constantly putting his arm around her and things like that. It come across as borderline harassment, so I would be careful with things like that in the future. It was perfect for this scene, but just make sure you don't use it too arbitrarily.

Other than these small things, I really liked this as a first chapter! I'm so glad I got to read it!


Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you for taking the time to review! :)

Yeah I like to kind of mix up the structure of my writing to keep it entertaining :) I hadn't though of the Peter, but I will definitely change it because I think it might be confusing a few people. Thank you for pointing out the exact part though!:)

I think I'm quite a blunt writer to be honest and just get straight to the point, but I think that keeps the reader on their toes soI'm glad you like it. I hope it makes the story seem light heart at the start, because that really what I'm going for to begin with!:)

Thank you for the characterisation comment! It means a lot because I really do try to get it perfect :) And I didn't realise I had used the wrong surname, that was a complete accident! Thank you for pointing it out, I'll change it right away!

With the lily still being a kid part, I really love pics that portray her like this. I really hate when people portray her as so stern and often quite horrible when she's at Hogwarts, because I just feel that James would never love a person like that! So I'm glad you think it works well :) I'll take the arm touching think into account and make sure I keep an eye out for using it because I totally get we're you're coming from and you are right, she wouldn't tolerate it at all.

Aw I'm glad you like it! Thank you so much for such a nice review!:)

Katie :)

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Review #8, by blackballetHealing is a Two Way Street: Chapter 2

1st August 2015:
I like this chapter as well!

The only major thing I had a problem with was Hermione seeing Ron when she was out for lunch. I think it was a little too predictable and easy for the story. The scene might flow nicer if Hermione didn't immediately recognize Ron. It might be better if she saw a familiar gait or habit, but it doesn't really catch her eye. Something along those lines may make it a bit more subtle and make the next scene have even more power.

Other than that, I really loved the chapter! I'm so excited for Hermione and Draco to interact in he upcoming chapters!

Author's Response: Thanks for the second review!

Yeah I didn't know how to set that up, but again it's a story full of cliches and that's a huge one :)

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you like it!

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Review #9, by blackballetHealing is a Two Way Street: Chapter 1

1st August 2015:
Hi there, it's me from the forums!

I really like how you've begun the story. His stint in Azkaban really helps explain his softened behavior. I think his characterization was spot on for the purpose of this story! I'm really excited to continue reading.

I think the interactions with the trio were well placed, but I think that there were a few too many times where Ron was giving a disgruntled look or acting bored. With a dramione story, it is almost built in that Ron is the antagonist, so I think that it might have been one too many times that Ron was being disrespectful.

Other than that, the story is lovely so far! I love how you explained his journey as a death eater through vertiaserum. It really worked with how he acted through HBP, and I was really invested in that. You created a great backstory for your characters already!

I can't wait to read and review the next chapter.


Author's Response: Hey!

Thanks for the review and the swap! It's a story built around cliches so naturally you'll find many in here! Including Ron being the Antagonist.

I haven't read much of the Veritaserum being used in courtrooms and I think that should be practiced - to find out the truth!

Thanks again,

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Review #10, by blackballetA Force Of Wills: Half and Half

31st July 2015:
Hi I'm here for a review swap from the forums!

I love Astoria's character so much. I am a little confused about her half-blood status. Is she a child born of an affair, or are all her siblings half-bloods? Anyway, I'm sure that will be revealed in the future, along with more of her alleged family secrets.

I really like your characterization of Malfoy, especially the fact that he has no shame. The bit where he blatantly stares at Astoria's neck really proves his arrogance and self-confidence.

I love how you got into the action so quickly as well, and I already feel as if there is a cliff hanger! I DETEST writing first chapters, so it was lovely to see one that was so daring and inspiring. Congratulations on that front.

I was also afraid of reading such a long first chapter, as I usually stick to 2000-4000 word chapters, but this didn't seem too long at. It was the perfect length, and definitely leaves the reader wanting more.

I'm happy to say that you've absolutely made me look at Draco in a new light as a love interest. I haven't read any Draco fics since my dark dramione days back in 2012!

Thanks so much and I can't wait to keep reading

Author's Response: Hello!

Thank you for stopping by! I am happy that you liked Astoria, she's a very complicated character to write for and I'm always glad that people love her. You actually don't find out about her half=blood status until much later on in the story but it's not what you think.

The Greengrass family secrets are more disturbing than you may realize but I won't spoil it for you. Hahahaha.

Malfoy is a spoiled little rat, he wouldn't find it in himself to be discreet about anything. Hahahaha. He wants Astoria and so, he's going to do whatever he can to have her.

I always write cliffhangers because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing most of the time, especially with a first chapter. Hahahahahhh.

Most of my chapters are long, I'm glad that you survived!

I'm not sure if you'll be able to look at Draco as a love interest for long but I'm curious to know what you think about him after chapter four. Hahahah. I hope to see you again!

Much love,


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Review #11, by blackballetNutshell: one.

23rd July 2015:
This seems like it is going to be so adorable! I can't wait to see where it goes.


Author's Response: Hi, blackballet! I think I remember you leaving me a few reviews on some of my other stories so it's great to hear from you again. It will be adorable due to the Marauders being in the story (all four of them are adorable themselves) but also some angst because of Jodie's feelings. thank you for taking the time to drop me a line! Really appreciate it!


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Review #12, by blackballetfirst: first kiss

21st July 2015:
I'm so obsessed! The characters really brought me in. I can't wait to read more.


Author's Response: Catherine, you beautiful person! Thank you! :D I'm definitely going to update soon since I have the firsts drafts of the last two chapters done.:D I'm glad you like it, though. :)


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Review #13, by blackballetL'optimisme: Silence

19th July 2015:
Hi there! I'm here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle for team Bronze

First off, I'd like to say that I love how you've started this first chapter. I think it really helps set up the tone and mood for the story, and flows together easily. It switches perfectly from an analysis to a narration of someone's (main characters?) life It doesn't seem at all forced, and eases nicely into the beginning of your story.
The introduction to Dumbledore and Grindelwald perfectly sets their relationship as well. It explains enough without being obtuse, and also reflects the acknowledgment of same-sex relationships in the 1800s- non-existent.
When Dumbledore begins recalling the events leading up to Ariana's demise, it is also clear that the story has taken a turn for the darker. It didn't give anything away, but I somehow immediately knew that something bad was going to happen. Your technique is SO thorough and subtle!
Finally, after Ariana's death, the silence comes back into play. The fact that you tied together all of this is so fantastic. It fit so well with the beginning and was not redundant in the slightest. It also fits very well with Dumbledore's canon character, and is something I could see him calling back on.
Overall, I loved this first chapter so much! It could definitely stand alone as a one-shot, and I can't even imagine how you've expanded on it. Thanks for such a lovely piece!


Author's Response: Hey there - thank you so much for stopping by! :)

Thank you so much! It was strange writing it - I wrote the analytical part and wasn't sure to include it or not really, since I didn't know if it really worked as a section, so I'm so glad you liked it! :)

Yeah, I really didn't want to make their relationship incredibly overt, because, as you say, it wasn't at the time - but at the same time, it needed to be overt enough, because obviously they lived it, you know? Kind of a balancing act to do there...

Thank you! :) Ariana's death was one of those scenes which was so terrifying to actually write, because it needed to be right, I felt, so it was really hard to do. I really liked getting to tie it back to silence, too - though it wasn't planned at all, haha. And yeah, writing suspensful things is something I've worked on before this, so it wasn't perhaps as hard in terms of technique as it could have been (before I practised it I was so bad at it, haha), but I still struggled a bit with that scene so I'm so glad you liked it! :)

Thank you so so much for the lovely review - and thank you again for stopping by! It was such a nice thing to get; I'm just so glad you liked the story! :)

Aph xx

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Review #14, by blackballetNo Strings Attached: one.

18th July 2015:
Love it! Nice twist with involving Albus already. It separates itself from the cliche already with that. The characters were both introduced very nicely, and I feel like I already know them. I can't wait to see more!

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Review #15, by blackballetThe monster within: Impertinent brats

27th January 2015:

Author's Response: Thank you! As much as I dislike Lucius I had a lot of fun writing about him. :)

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Review #16, by blackballetFlawless: Flawless

19th June 2014:
Oh my gosh! I never even considered Bill/Fleur because I don't really like Fleur, but now it makes me so happy! My absolute favorite part is the last couple of lines. They really wrap together Fleur's thoughts really well.

I think that in some spots you were a bit rambly, like when she spoke about her family. I didn't find it relevant to the task, and it distracted a bit from the point of the story. Other than that, I really enjoyed this.

My favorite part is that Bill doesn't seem to expect that she will tell him why she loves him. I think that's a great part of his personality that you pulled in slyly. He believes her on her word, and doesn't need reasons. She feels obligated to give him reasons because she just realized why she loves him, and is desperate to voice them.

Thanks so much for pointing me towards this one shot on the forums!

Author's Response: Oh, really? :O Bill/Fleur is one of my most favorite ships from the series. But I'm glad you gave the pairing a shot and my story made you like it! That's kind of the best compliment for me. :)

Well, thoughts never take one direction in my opinion. They tend to ramble. In this story, I had to write her whole thought process. I hope you get what I was thinking about!

Yeah, that's the difference between both of them. Also, Bill had told her why he loves her for so many times that she was too eager to return the favor. :)

I'm so happy you enjoyed my story! Thanks for the lovely review!


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Review #17, by blackballetFounding Hogwarts: Normandie

19th June 2014:
Hi there! I'm here from the review battle on the forums.

This was a great characterization of Godric Gryffindor. I love it when authors describe a character without saying directly I have red hair, I have green eyes, I'm 5"2, etc. (I still have trouble with it, but your imagery is SO spot on.

I also loved the third person narrative you have going on here. It gave me the sense that Gryffindor was watching over an opening feast one night. The jab at Salazar was great too, as it gave you a sense of rebellion coming from Gryffindor, which is so like the house.

This is so great, and I'm thinking I will be reading and reviewing your next couple of chapters soon!


Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!

Yeah, I read fanfiction for several months before I started writing it, and one thing that I saw a lot was the "telling" of physical characteristics. I promised myself that I would try not to do that if possible. :) Don't worry--it takes a bit of practice to get characterization exactly where you want it. I'm still working on it! Thanks so much for pointing my characterization of Godric out. :)

Thank you! I wanted to try something different for this story, so I wrote it in second person PoV--hence the use of "you" so very often. Godric definitely watches over everyone like the protector he is, and even though he and Salazar are buddies, he never misses an opportunity for a jest at his friend's expense. :)

Thank you so, so much! I hope that my incredible tardiness with this response has not deterred you from wishing to read on. :)


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Review #18, by blackballetAshen Petals: Chosen

23rd March 2014:
This was so beautiful! Your imagery was super on point, and I was drawn in. I was actually really surprised and upset when it ended. I guessed Draco Malfoy when I first started reading, but then changed my mind to Tom Riddle when you wrote about him controlling the fire.

I also don't think it seemed rushed at all. Each of your sentences had meaning, and it worked really well. Love this one-shot so much. You're a great writer!

Author's Response: bb,

N'aww, thank you; this review brought a smile to my face like thaaat :) It's always reassuring to hear that the imagery was able to serve its purpose by being capable of drawing the readers in with its images.

This is another proof of how upset feelings of the reader means positive feedback for the writer. It might have the feel of lack, but I guess it's short length, like the spark of a fire, is what gave the fic more power.

Despite it being super short, I'm glad you don't think it to be rushed. Thank you muchlies for taking the time to review, you flatter me too much.

You're a great person!
~ Sevvy
*offers flowers*

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Review #19, by blackballetWaiting Room: Green Eyes Against Blinding White

14th February 2014:
ugh this is so amazing! I can't believe how long this was because I felt like it went by in a flash. I love James' characterization in the beginning and the fact that he still couldn't believe that Peter would do such a thing.

I also loved how Lily was portrayed as the one who would have it all figured out, because I sometimes forget how smart she is supposed to be.

I really love this and all your details are extremely well developed and well placed.

Can't wait to see more from you!

Author's Response: Hi, there!

The length of this one really got away from me as I was writing, so I'm glad that it didn't drag. I just enjoyed all of the little thoughts and details so much, I couldn't stop myself.

The sort of complimentary personalities you see here are how I've always imagined James and Lily. The brash, impulsive, somewhat irresponsible pureblood rich kid and the cautious, thoughtful, pragmatic muggle-born. The go so well together!

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

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Review #20, by blackballetTruth Will Out: Breathe.

6th September 2013:
I'm here for the review battle!

This is so great! I've been seeing people raving about it on the forums, and I'm so happy I got a chance to review. I was trying to think of all the Next-Gen characters it could be, and I'm glad you made a new one (Frank the II).

It was actually really unexpected and I was very satisfied. There was one word I noticed, Veala instead of Veela, but I'm sure someone has already pointed that out and you just haven't gotten around to it.

I liked your characterization of everyone, and I almost wish this was a story! I want to know your characters more from this. Her progression was awesome throughout this, and I think it would be even better in a longer story. From her doubt that anyone would believe, to the belief in the muggle saying.

You're also just a great writer! So, great job I would say. Have fun in the battle!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely review, it made me day reading it :)

Ugh, yeah I noticed it. My beta just got done editing this so I'll post an updated version with Veela instead of Veala soon. Thanks for pointing it out though!

I am prolonging this to a short story series...I think that's what it's called. The next chapter will be in Frank's POV and then there will be one final chapter.

That's the nicest compliment ever so thank you :)

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Review #21, by blackballetIn Sickness And In Health: Perseverance

5th September 2013:
I am here with your requested review!

I don't think this chapter was too fillery at all! I think that it was obviously important Harry and Ron found out. It was action-less, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I really like this chapter and story, but something still bothering me is the name switching between mudblood and Granger. I think Malfoy should use either mudblood and Granger or Granger and Hermione. If he was calling her mudblood left and right, I really don't think Hermione would stand for it. Sorry, just me being picky about characterization again. I also think Harry was a bit too mellow and Ron was a bit too furious. I think Ron is more of someone who bottles anger up and then explodes like in DH2. Of course, he would be mad, but I don't think he would have screamed. Remember, he's matured from sixth year.

Speaking of Ron being mad, I still am finding it distracting that you use things like capitalization for screaming and ?!? for punctuation. It's just a personal preference, but that's really all I could think about for the rest of the chapter.

I think the best part for me was the scene where Harry, Ron and Hermione were just hanging out how they usually would. It wasn't a forced conversation or anything. They were really just being friends. It was very nice.

I liked this chapter, and I can't wait to read about Blaise and Pansy!

Author's Response: Hello! Yay! Thank you for reviewing :)

Oh good! I was very seriously thinking about trashing this chapter, because even though It really had important information for later on in the story, it seemed really blah and irrelevant to me. So i'm glad its not!

I understand where you are coming from in regards to the names. I will definitely look into that :) Same with Harry and Ron. I have always seen Harry as the more logical of the two, taking into account all factors, and he trusts Hermione's judgement above a lot else. Ron has always been the explosive tempered redhead to me. But maybe i should tone it down a bit.

Fair enough, i do know that it can break up the flow, so i will look into making it flow better and describe anger minus caps :)

Its was such a cool scene to write that one, because their friendship is so important to this story, and i don't want that to be forgotten, so scenes like this are great :)

I am just finishing the next chapter at the moment! Blaise and Pansy are going to be interesting characters to add to the mix, that's for sure :P

I'm so glad you liked the chapter! Thank you for reviewing :D

Grace :)

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Review #22, by blackballetChanged: Changed

5th September 2013:
I'm here for the review battle!

I think this is so beautiful! I mean, all of these every word count challenge entries are. I think it's great that you've challenged yourself to work within boundaries because I think it really helps develop description skills.

I love her quiet sadness. I would actually love to read a short story or something about this character! I think it's very interesting that she left the life of an Order member to become just a muggle teacher.

It would be great to see the scene with her Frank and Alice, although it would be horrible to imagine. I've never even heard of the concept that someone else might have been in the room while it was happening.

The only thing I didn't like about this was the paragraph about how she changed from school. I feel like you used much better and descriptive words throughout your story. That paragraph seemed a bit juvenile for some reason. It didn't feel like the same narrator was speaking.

Overall, I really liked it! I think your writing is definitely promising and I really would enjoy watching you grow.

Author's Response: Hey there! :)
Thank you so much! The challenge of writing a one shot of such a short length was really challenging but fun. Illeana is inspired from the interview I watched on the TV. It was a survivor's interview and it touched my heart.
As I was sure about what Illeana would be like, it was easy to describe her through her life. Though I went through the chapter again and really found the paragraph you mentioned a bit off. I'll edit it later.
Thanks for the lovely review! You really helped a lot. :D

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Review #23, by blackballetHiding In Front of You: Hiding In Front of You

4th September 2013:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review, and I apologize for it taking such a long time!

Regarding the problems you mentioned on the forums: I think this was very interesting, and I always always want to read and write more about Alice and Frank at this time. It's not really widely recognized that they must have been just as scared as Lily and James. The dialogue was good and realistic. It was a nice tilt to Peter's character when Frank mentioned something about him acting strangely during the meeting.

I think your inner monologue with Alice was definitely a strong point, because that's mostly what this consists of. One sentence that struck me as odd was: Neville made his unsteady way over to.
It should be Neville made his way unsteadily.

It even scared me a bit when Alice saw the man and then Voldemort, but I'm a bit confused as to whether or not they're both Voldemort. That doesn't really matter, but I just had to mention that part because I could really feel her fear if you know what I mean.

Overall, I really liked this and I love what you've done with the characters and story!


Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I thought that Peter had to have been showing differences in his character about that time given that everyone seemed to remember that he was weak-willed.

I've made the correction to the sentence you pointed out. Thank you!

No, the first person at the window was a Death Eater scouting out the house. Voldemort only stopped by on Halloween.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!

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Review #24, by blackballetMoney Can't Buy You Love: Instability

2nd September 2013:
I'm here from the review battle!

I think this is a really lovely one-shot. I didn't know where you were going with it at first, but I like how it ended up. I think, at times, it almost felt too much like a first chapter to me. That was mostly in the beginning when you were introducing some of the healers. The first sentence is also a bit jumbled and full of words.

Now to the fun stuff! Blaise is so well thought out in this, it's crazy. Going through the marriages helped explain why he's been this way and it's a great addition to the Family Challenge. I felt a bit of a Sirius and Blaise parallel with the ending, but that's just because I am obsessed with Sirius Black.

The best part for me was definitely when he noticed the picture of his mother and biological father. I loved how that changes his mind. It was bittersweet. Like, even though his mother is dead, she's still teaching him things.

Awesome one-shot, and I'll look forward to seeing you in the review battle!

Author's Response: Hello again blackballet :) Thank you for the lovely review!

Originally this fic was going to be a chaptered fic rather than a one-shot. I will be going to edit, so will see if I can make it seem less like a first chapter and more of a one-shot (or maybe I'll end up adding more chapters :-0 but I doubt that!) I'll also have a look at that first line, I see what you mean about it.

I'm so glad you thought Blaise had been well thought out :) I was worried about writing Blaise for the family challenge but then I thought about how many times his mother had been married. It struck me that this instability in his childhood would have had an affect on him and his decisions in life. And haha, I too am obsessed with Sirius Black, he is my favourite character ;)

I am so happy you liked that part with the picture :) It was one of the first things I thought of when planning the story and the rest of the plot came from that, so it is really great you liked it :)

Thank you again for the great review!

Haronione ♥

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Review #25, by blackballetFree Fall: Free Fall

30th August 2013:
I am here with your requested review!

I love the second person POV! I think it would be hard to do an entire novel like this, but it worked really, really well in this. It somehow multiplied the emotions and made it even sadder, more depressing. Which is unfortunately a good thing.

I think the flow of it works very well, and I love how you broke it up. However, people tell me that my stories don't flow very well so I would get a second opinion. I really enjoy the abrupt sentences and scene changes, so that's why I think it flows nicely.

I'm definitely moved by this, and I love the repetition in this. It gives it an overall sadness that one thing can fit so well into so many aspects of her life. Very well done.

The only CC I have is that it was a bit too vague in some places for me. I love your use of vagueness, and I'm not saying AT ALL to get rid of that. It's very poetic. I just think you could use a couple more literal words instead of imagery and symbolism. You also have a couple of words misspelled/misused, so scan this over for those when you have time!

I really loved this, I did. I only mentioned what I did to help you make the one-shot it's absolute best!


Author's Response: Hi there!!

Thank you so much for the review! I will get a look at those misspelled words asap ;)

I'm really pleased you liked the POV, it's only the third time I'm trying it out, so it's still a bit rough around the edges.

Yeah, vaguenes. I get what you mean, but I really want that poetic feel to it. The metaphors and symbolisms are how I love my one shots. But I totally get where you're coming from, so thanks for the input - it's really useful!

Thank you so much for reviewing. It really means a lot.

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