Ok I think I was a little too excited to this was a Petunia-centric chapter. I always found her a truly fascinating character due to her relationship with Lily and how she treated Harry so I was really excited :D
I really loved how you started the chapter with newspaper clippings, Iíve never really seen that done before but it was a really interesting technique. I liked how it provided a fresh perspective over what had been happening recently through someone elseís eyes and that really changed the dynamic of it all.
I think another I really liked about them was the content of them. It showed that the wizarding world was still a sharply changing landscape and you really canít predict what may be happening next. I think one which showed this idea the most was the one about the centaur uprisings and that Bane had been killed as it was so shocking as they had held an inferior position for them for so long and then to see them challenging it was great.
I think it was a really great idea to start with the same line as JK did about how the Dursleys were normal and how they were just like everyone else, as that was the start of the Harry Potter series whereas this seems to be the start of the next gen era. I really liked the inclusion of the detail about their time in hiding as it added a humorous element to the story.
The part where Petunia was thinking about both the Lilys was really powerful. I always wondered how she viewed Lily II and I think you conveyed her thoughts perfectly. She was bitter over at, yet at the same time you can sense how she still loved Lily I and perhaps loved Lily II too. Her characterisation really was excellent and the idea of Moony the dog was also a great.
This was a really wonderful short story collection and it showed a realistic idea of what may have happened after the war through minor characterís perspective which added a certain level of freshness to it. Iím so glad that I came back and read the final two chapters :D
-Kiana Report Review
I really enjoyed the first three chapters so I thought I would come by and check out the final two. Iíve actually been meaning to for a while, but I kept on forgetting. Oh well, Iím here now :P
I remember you posting on the forums about Stanís accent and I thought it was done really well. It was neither over or understated and perfectly captured his accent. I found it so hard at times to know where to change peopleís dialect and what extent to do it to, but you clearly had no issue with it here. You also used vocabulary appropriate to him too, which was a really nice addition to the story.
You managed to make Stan appear as a sympathetic character which is unexpected to say the least, as he always irritated me in the books. I think it was the line about him not seeing his reflection in over a year, as that was really shocking. Itís the sort of thing you see every day so it showed how horrible his experience in Azkaban must have been.
I really liked that we got to find out about what happened to Nott as it was a nice way to tie in the overall story. As well doing a great job with Stanís characterisation, you also did an excellent one with Umbridge with all her little Ďhmm hmmingí it was really great, as she is a hard character to pull off and Iíve only tackled her in a parody as anything goes then.
I didnít anticipate the twist at the end, but I really loved it. I can imagine that the Death Eater court cases must have been tense places and you managed to convey that well, so now Iíve seen that scene it almost makes think that fights and uprisings during them should be expected.
I think I only found off was that I thought Umbridge was sentenced to Azkaban too for her crimes against muggleborns so I was bit surprised to find her there. But that was a really minor thing.
Anyhow that was a really great chapter and Iím off to the next!
-Kiana Report Review
I saw this story on the recently added list and as I love this whole era of Albus, Gellert and Arianna I couldnít resist reading it, and Iím so glad that I did :D
I really loved this one-shot, as I find that Dumbledoreís such a complex person and you really managed to catch of it all. I think it was the fact that you went into detail about his family and its history and I really loved it. I may be being biased as I find the whole Dumbledore family and their story fascinating but either way it really was great.
I really liked the idea of the Deathly Hallows sign being a reminder of his past. It was a really powerful idea and you managed to maintain that idea throughout the entire story. I think my favourite part of that was the bit with Gellert, as Albus + Gellert = pure awesome. I think it was this line Ďyoung Dumbledore nodded, leaned in towards him and whisperedí which really showed the power Gellert had over Dumbledore, and how Dumbledore held those views.
You managed to ease the reader into the flashbacks which is something rarely done, so yay for that. I really loved Percivalís characterisation and you really caught the love for his children and why that drove him to such limits to do what he did. That entire scene was so tense with Percival nearly crying, Albus shouting and Aberforth arguing. I felt so bad for Albus for having all of that on his shoulders at such a young age, and it made sense the way he stepped up to the mantle.
I really liked the ending part ĎOne year. One year, and then Iíll be with you.í it was really powerful and really showed how Dumbledore had been waiting this for so long. Even though he denies being like the third brother he was like that in that case due to him wanting death and knowing that he will have it one day.
The only CC I would give is regarding your grammar with dialogue. In several cases like here ĎďThey will come for me any secondĒ, Percival explained.í And here ĎďWe will take care of themĒ, he promised. Ď the comma was placed after the dialogue when they should be after the them and the second.
Other than that I thought it was a really great one-shot and perfectly captured Dumbledoreís complex past with only a few flashbacks!
-KianaAuthor's Response: I'm very glad that you decided to read this too! :)
Yes, Dumbledore certainly is complex. It makes me so happy to hear that you think that came across in this story. And I agree, their family is very fascinating!
I'm so glad that you liked the part with Gellert. In a way, I wanted to write more about him, because the two of them together are so interesting, but then again, that wasn't the focus on this story. It's also nice to hear that the Deathly Hallows sign worked well!
It's great that the flashbacks didn't confuse you - that's the challenge of writing flashbacks, so that makes me very happy! So does the fact that Percival's character seemed fitting - yes, that is an extraordinary love he feels for his children (or maybe just any parental love? I'm not a parent yet, so I don't know!) I feel bad for Albus too! He really was too young for it, which really showed in the way he ended up handling it.
I'm also very glad that you liked that last line. I wanted to show that death would be almost a comfort for him. Yeah, he is like the third brother in that way.
Thanks for pointing out that mistake! I wasn't actually aware of the fact that the , should be before the " in English, but now I do! So thanks for teaching me that ;) I'll go back and edit as soon as possible!
Once again, thank you so much for reading and for leaving such a wonderful, encouraging and helpful review! I appreciate it so much :) Report Review
Haha your summary made me laugh about not guessing as itís the title, so I had to come and check it out and I was glad to find the rest of the story made me laugh too.
I always wondered how Fred and George found the map and knew the password to it, and I think you showed a way in which they might have perfectly. The idea of them having to take an oath, as I was confused probably as much as Fred and George were and I was sitting like what are they going to have do a prank or something, but it was really clever and fitted in well with the rest of the story.
You also managed to catch the Marauders unique personalities really well. There was Moony who was heeding more to caution throughout the story, whereas Padfoot was like no letís trick them its way more fun. It added so much to the story and made it a considerably more enjoyable read.
There were a few grammar issues. ĎďGeorge!Ē Fred said exclaimed.Ď said and exclaimed are both dialogue tags, so you either need one of the other note both. Plus this line felt a little un Fred like ĎďI found a piece of parchment in one of Filchís drawers. Why was it in a locked drawer? It must be something magicalÖĒ Fred continued.Ď I like the first part of it, but the other part felt too inquisitive so perhaps if it was something more like āI reckon itís worth stealing, Iím going to take itĎ.
Anyhow besides that it proved to be a very enjoyable read :D
-Kiana Report Review
Hey Madi, Team Blue for the win!
You really caught the arrogant and superior air I would have thought Draco would have at the age of ten. It was really funny to read, because he changes so much throughout the course of Hogwarts. I suppose he hasnít matured yet so thatís the reason for it.
He really believed that his family was superior to other ones and it was those little comments such as if you didnít know his name you must be a muggleborn and that his fatherís friends with all these high up people.
The activities he was going to do such as play quidditch or go to Floreanís for ice cream really fitted him and reflected his age. Not many people remember to do that and have him off chasing girls, I know Malfoy is a bit of player but I donít think he would have started that young :P Also his remarks about Blaise and Pansy were really cute and appropriate for that age!
I have two CCís for you. Sometimes you slipped out of the formal language you would expect from Malfoy such as saying Ďmumí instead of Ďmotherí and Ďmateí instead of Ďfriendí. Itís quite easy to do that, but easy to fix too. Also the spacing between the chapters were a little on the large side, so you may want to think about reducing them.
Overall I thought this was a great insight into the mind of child Draco :D
-KianaAuthor's Response: Oh thank you! I'll have to take a look and fix a few things, as I haven't put anything new up for this since new year's eve D:
I was worried that I wouldn't capture his character correctly, but I'm glad you think I did! When you're eleven, the main focus of your life is friends, family, and fun. You don't worry about girls and stuff like that because you don't have the maturity nor the hormones and all of the lovely things like that that go along with it.
I'm hoping to end this around their third year as a sort of lead-in or prequel to Love Makes Me. Or just end it however I see fit. :)
Thanks for the lovely review! :) xx
~MadiMalfoy Report Review
Iím a massive fan of prologues, and they donít appear as often as they should so to see you include one here was great. Plus the fact its set in the 1400s has made me intrigued considering this is a story about Snapeís parentsí so it will be interesting to see how this Penelope, Ursula and Reynold connect to Eileen and Tobias.
The birthing scene was done really well, it was neither to graphic nor did it stray away from the reality of childbirth so you had a perfect balance in place there. Another thing I really liked about it was the historical accuracies of it all. I am not by any means a history expert but it felt like it fitted there and nothing felt out of place.
Penelopeís character really intrigued me here. There was no husband, or man present which is unusual in those times, so it makes me wonder who the father of Reynold is. Then thereís the letter she wrote to him. Due to it being worn away I canít make out anything, but I suppose the Prince family must be related to his father so he would carry the surname on, and the witch part got me intrigued. Is she a witch or perhaps something happened with a witch?
Ursula intrigued me too. I feel as if sheís has some hidden depths about her, or thereís something special about her. Iím interested to learn more about her children as theyíre Snapeís ancestors and it will be cool to learn more about their roots. The idea of the curse was really interesting and has definitely got me thinking. I canít possibly think of what it could be, my only idea being that it relates to Penelopeís death in some way.
Well, that was a really interesting chapter and Iím definitely going to keep on reading :D
-Kiana Report Review
Iíve seen this story popping up all the time and Iíve been meaning to get round and review it so here I am. Surprisingly enough I have actually found a one-shot which is longer than this, I think it was about 11,000 words :P
Wow, I was simply blown away by this. Iíve never come across anything like this before, and Iím sitting here in awe. Everything was perfect the characterisation, the structure, the description, the dialogue. I could go on forever really. I can definitely see why it won all of those Keckers!
I think the addition of Viola is really what made this one-shot. Lavenderís always been a mystifying character to me, I always felt that she had some hidden quality about her which was hiding the real her and you brought to life here. The feeling of envy is a powerful one, and if you feel it so young like she did thereís bound to be scars of it in her later life. Viola was an amazing character, not in her likeability factor but in her complexities and how thought out she was. Sheís one of the best villains Iíve come across, due to her two sides. The nice one most people see and then the other side, which only a few see.
I really enjoyed seeing the world through her perspective, it was so refreshing. I think what I enjoyed most was her naivety towards Hermione and Harry. She didnít seem to pick up on their dislike for her, and took it all as a joke, and that provided a really endearing nature to her. She also proved to be a sympathetic character and a relatable one too, which is something I never would have thought I would say about her.
I have a confession that I knew about Lavender/Padma ship due to it saying on your awards, and thatís part of the reason for coming here. Yet I was still taken by surprise and I never thought it was going to come about in that way. I thought that Padma would be friends with Viola due to their reserve and almost coldness at the beginning, but I really liked how you eased her gently so her presence took me and Lavender by surprise. Their first kiss was perfect and the mention of the pineapple ring had me guessing.
The inclusion of sub-plots was also wonderful here. I liked how you showed how Lavender and Parvati were so close, and how they matured together which made Lavender and Padma being together even more shocking. You made me want Parvati and Seamus to get together yet that didnít draw away from the main pairing. The comments about Trelawney and Firenze were also wonderful and drew in her love of Divination brilliantly.
I think I only spotted one truly tiny error here ĎďYou will be well, LavenderĒ,í where there was a misplaced comma, but unless youíre planning on doing a massive edit, I wouldnít bother just for that.
That was just an amazing one-shot, teh. I am definitely adding that to my favourites and your writing has blown me away yet again :D
-KianaAuthor's Response: KIANA OMG ♥ ♥
Hello again! Eeep this review has turned me into a pool of non-human mush agghs I don't even know how to respond! But I'm really so astounded at how this fic of mine has been picking up bits of attention over the last few weeks - it did collect a few awards, but I've always had the impression that not many people apart from Hufflepuffs knew of this story. But I can't express just how grateful I am.
I am glad you like Viola's characterisation! She has quite a mean streak to her, and yes, plenty of envy. But I didn't just want her relationship with Lavender to be purely antagonistic all the way; I wanted there to be some variation. After all, despite these bullying tendencies of Viola, the girls still grew up together, played together and even parted on good terms at the end.
And the Lavender/Padma ship bahaha! Initially, for this story all I wanted was to write Lavender in a femmeslash pairing. Hearing you say all those things about Padma is so gratifying :D You've pretty much got everything about her and her relationship with Lavender - it's a quieter kind of relationship, a lot mellower than the Ron/Lavender bit, and a completely different experience for either girl. And Seamus and Parvati did get together! I'd like to think that they remained together for quite some time :D
I will be editing this fic soon; there are bits where I need to tidy things up. So thank you for pointing that out; I never noticed that misplaced comma!
Eee thank you sososo much for this amazing and completely unexpected review, Kiana ♥ And for favouriting! These are such wonderful compliments you've given me and they've completely made my week :D
teh ♥ Report Review
Ah Iím finally here and itís so exciting! Iím going to read it in reverse chronological order, as I assume thatís your preferred way if you put it on here like that, and I think it will be more fun as Iíve never read a story like that before.
I loved this line ĎHer story is well-known, to a degree, but there are always secrets, even in the lives of the beloved and the virtuous.í I think it shows perfectly what issues Iíve had with all of the Jilly stories and how I always felt something was missing, which is odd to think considering theyíre meant to be my OTPÖ
I really liked how you showed that there were faults in their relationship and it was far from the perfect one we all too often see. I think it was the part when she referenced her husbandís eyes, because the word husband suggests a certain level of distance and perhaps even contempt for him. Then her measured movements about who did the washing seemed strange for a married couple, as you would assume that they would be more at ease, so the only justification is that theyíve just had an argument.
Wow you really caught Lilyís internal conflict really well. I would like to assume that, as you said, she still felt some level of love towards Snape and that she was unsure about how she felt about him, but I didnít anticipate the change in her relationship with James. It was really refreshing to show that she almost doubted her love for him, and that perhaps she had made a mistake. The way you portrayed her confusion here almost implies that she chose James because he was the good one, the one she was meant to love, not the forbidden fruit Snape is seen as.
Lilyís characterisation was simply brilliant and you really delved into the complexities I always imagined there to be. I think it was the fact that you got rid of this idea that Lily is this incredibly selfless person and someone who has no faults and made her a real person. Eek I canít even formulate anything to describe how great it was as nothing really describes it other than saying she appeared real to me and I rarely see that done.
Ok I attempted to come up with a reason as to why I loved her characterisation here and I think it was due to you giving her traits that we so rarely see her with such as a certain level of naivety when she defends Snapeís honour despite being called a mudblood, and then a level of selfishness too by her somewhat willing abusing Jamesí trust by being in love with someone else but marrying him. She wasnít too changed to feel like completely as you still kept some of her original traits which perfected it.
Yet again your writing has blown me away. Iím still sitting here in awe of it. The structure was really unique and complimented the idea of the story perfectly. Iím glad I read it in reverse order as I donít think I would have felt such an impact if it was the other way. I will be definitely checking out the other Lily one-shot!
-Kiana Report Review
I loved the pun in the story summary, it was simply brilliant. I actually have another egg joke and if you speak/know basic French you should get it! Why didnít the boy have two eggs for breakfast? Because when was an oeuf. Yeah I know that was terrible, but you may be a lover a terrible of terrible jokes!
If Archie really didnít want to not refer to her as the Charming Charms teacher he should stick with Devil Incarnate, it does convey the point in a better way than just adding not-so to the name, but each to their own. I have to give Fred some credit in this chapter, I honestly thought he was going to tease Hugo mercilessly for his poster making but he managed to restrain himself, more so than Archie.
As much as introducing cross-curricular things into Muggle Studies sounds great, Archie really should give up on that idea. This is the second time heís mixed things with fire and it really isnít turning out well, and itís even worse considering someoneís hairs on fire! And blue pancakes? How on earth did Lysander end up with them? Perhaps Dom or Fred spiked them with food colouring for fun.
Ďin his normal snooty I-know-more-about-muggles-than-the-Muggle-Studies-teacher-voiceí this line cracked me up so much! Iíve always held a great dislike for people who think theyíre better than others, and in this case it was Elliot. I can fully understand Archieís mental rant for him.
Yay more puns! I am definitely going to write these down and say when appropriate next Shrove Tuesday. Though thatís almost a year away so I may forgetÖ Thatís a pretty good tongue twister too, (ooh and I sort of made one there :P) I havenít just sat here and said it for two minutes or anythingÖ.
And Iím half way through! You could go on writing this forever you know. Like Archie visits China or Archie takes on a gecko, or make him go on a muggle reality TV programme. I would love to see what would happen if he met The Only Way Is Essex cast :P Another fantastic chapter, Helen :D
-Kiana Report Review
I somehow donít think Iím going to be able to catch up with all the chapters by the 17th, but I can do my best and I should be caught up by the next posted chapter at least.
I suppose the person they were referring to about never being particularly social was Snape, due to the loss of Lilyís appetite after they had spoken about him. Itís really interesting reading a Marauders story from a Snape lover perspective, as they tend to be from Snape haters, so Lilyís friend take a negative view of him too, whereas youíre making her friends unbiased. Itís a refreshing change to say the least.
The boyís tired faces and the use of Moony let lose what they were up to last night then. I thought they were just up to their usual pranking ways, but Iím guessing they were helping Remus out with his furry little problem.
Iím really liking Celestina, she seems like such a character and Iím currently sitting on the fence as to whether and her Sirius will ever date. She has such an exuberant personality it may phase Sirius and make him run away instead of date her. I liked it when Lily brought up Regulus, as Sirius was really bitter about him. I wonder whether itís purely due to him being a Slytherin and going along with the familyís ideas, or something else.
I really liked that scene with Regulus and Wilkes, because I can view Wilkes in a new light now you said that he is going to be a Death Eater. They both seemed so innocent and care-free it will be interesting to see how theyíre drawn into the darkness. I know the family influence on them is a big factor due to the brief mention from Regulus about agreeing with some of his parentsí views, but I would imagine there would be some of others influences to it as well.
Snapeís and Regulusí relationship is a complicated one. Iím still not entirely sure whether they view one another as theyíre friend or merely someone who they talk to due to having multiple similarities. I think it was the request from Regulus and Snapeís response which is what threw me off. I canít imagine the relationship will grow to be any better if Snape finds out about Regulus talking to Lily, as I would imagine that he would get jealous of it.
The scene with Sirius attacking Snape was really well done, and Lilyís reaction to it was great. Remusí reaction to it fitted with canon too, even though he probably would have stopped it if it wasnít Sirius, he has the reluctance to do wrong by his friends. Then the note at the end was great, I can only imagine that itís Regulus, as it seems like something he would do.
Another fantastic chapter, Amanda :D
-KianaAuthor's Response: Please, feel no rush! The sixteenth chapter won't be up for a while (following my posting the fifteenth chapter on Friday) and I feel bad posting a new chapter when I have reviews waiting for responses on the same story anyway, so take your time catching up :)
I definitely tried to keep people's perceptions of each other balanced here. I think that's one of the advantages of changing up points of view; you get to explore each character's biases in turn and build a more interesting, multifaceted story at the same time. You'll find that the Marauders don't do a lot of pranking in my story. I think it's a bit of a tired plot line, but beyond that, they're in sixth year and they have other things to worry about (as you'll see when you read further).
Oh, it's great that you like Celestine! (Never mind that I keep accidentally switching between Celestine and Celestina, urgh.) People immediately worried she'd turn out to be a Sue because of the hint of a relationship with Sirius, and I really hope she's not. You'll have to see what, if anything, develops between them.
Well, I didn't exactly say Wilkes would be a Death Eater :) Without spoiling you, I can just say that his role in the plot is important for Regulus and he's worth keeping an eye on.
I'm sure I've said this a hundred times, but I love exploring the idea of Snape and Regulus being friends. Their sub-plot is connected to Wilkes's, in a way, and the whole idea of the Slytherins and the budding Death Eaters. You're right that things could quickly get awkward if Regulus gets too close to Lily!
I have so little confidence in my ability to write action scenes, but I'm happy that you liked the little attack there at the end. You'll find out more about the note in the next chapter.
Thanks for another lovely review, dear!
-Amanda Report Review
I saw that youíd just posted any new chapter and I metaphorically ran over here!
Seriously how do you make things which are generally classed as boring things such as cleaning and preparing the castle for the wedding sound interesting? I was drawn in by the first paragraph and I donít think itís ever been like that before. Itís a talent you should be proud of, Amanda :)
So thereís still a certain level of animosity between Helena and Rowena then? Even though Iím sad for them to be like that, I did like the fact that Witter got to make a bigger appearance because of it, and I always enjoy it when he appears. One thing I did notice in this chapter is that Helenaís stubborn nature was becoming more apparent due to her insistence that her mother came, and then with her mother being ill it can only mean one thing. The big scene which Iím sort of eagerly anticipating and dreading is getting even closer.
I see what you did with the locket! As Venn is a Selwyn, Umbridge was partially right, as she mentioned it being a Selwyn locket and how she was related to them. That was very sneaky, Amanda, as I wasnít even guessing one it was going to appear. Perhaps Gryffindorís sword and Hufflepuffís cup will also make an appearance, as the Diadem made a brief cameo just then, too. I liked how you weaved the reasoning for it being there into the story, and I can guess what happens to it after the wedding.
I was beginning to wonder when the cracks would emerge even more between Helena and Venn and they just did. There were two divisions you brought up there and they were both really effective. The first being the more obvious one of how they both view the importance very differently. Then the second one being how Venn views women as inferior to men, with that remark about how the land would be his and she neednít interfere with his affairs. Iím really enjoying the subtle hints, because theyíre gradually showing me how Venn and Helena seriously misjudged the other.
Everything really is beginning to escalate now, with Salazar being asked to step down. That scene was really well done, and both Godric and Salazar were perfectly in character. Iím not sure if Iíve said this before, but Iíll say it now, Iím really impressed with the balance youíve managed to maintain between the younger generation and the Founders, as itís made the story really interesting on the whole yet kept it focused on Helena and Venn.
I think Helenaís beginning to realise her doubts about the marriage with the last-minute dress change. Either way, it shows what a good nature Helena has deep down with the way she does want the less well-off people to feel envious of her. Then the ending scene with Rowena was wonderful, even though there was a little bit of bitterness lurking the background I think it was more disappointment in how she couldnít save her daughter.
That was another fantastic chapter Amanda! I really donít want this story to come to an end, as I really have grown to love it and itís one of, or if not, the best Founders story Iíve come across. I have a little more free time at the moment so I should be heading over to Post Scriptum more often :D
-KianaAuthor's Response: Yay, first review on a brand new chapter -does the dance of joy-
I thought it would be cool to open this chapter from the servants' point of view and show how much work went into planning the engagement party. Too bad it didn't go well...
Yeah, Helena is really self-absorbed in this chapter, which I hope you can see replicated in what we know about how she ends up. First she decides that her mother is just faking being sick to be difficult, and then she delays the wedding on purpose to teach her groom a lesson and avoid having to face up to her commitment (which Rowena tried to warn her about). She won't just get to carry on this way forever, as you'll see in the near future.
The necklace and diadem are both symbols of the fact that Venn and Helena have heavy burdens to bear in their life as husband and wife, not only in terms of the problems between them but also the responsibilities that come with being rulers and close relatives of the Founders. Both of them suddenly seem turned off by the objects they previously desired, but they can't quite explain why.
I think the honeymoon is wearing off for Venn and Helena, so to speak. They're actually getting to know one another and their love isn't enough to outweigh the nasty little secrets each of them is starting to uncover. You brought up some great points about Venn, and I think Helena, too, has some faults--for instance, she ran out on her own party, humiliating her hosts and father, instead of trying to resolve the argument or put it aside for a more private discussion. It shows that they are both selfish and juvenile and not really ready for such a commitment.
Thanks for your comment on the balance! Several reviewers had pointed out previously that Godric had not had much of a say in things so far, and I agreed that he deserved more of a strong personality, so I tried to give him some of the spotlight in this chapter (if only briefly). I hope it's clear that he has been paying attention to the strange way Salazar's been acting and that he does feel the need to take a stand for the good of the school.
Well, Helena does seem to care a lot for the people in her kingdom, but I really think her motivation with changing the dress is more selfish than that. She just needed a legitimate-sounding reason to do it, you know? As for Rowena, her pneumonia here is related to her time spent out in foul weather back in chapter twelve. If only she hadn't shut herself away, Helena might have realized she was actually ill.
Thank you for another fantastic review :)
-Amanda Report Review
Ahh! I loved this chapter Ė it was simply brilliant, I loved every part and there was never a boring part. I didnít expect the George and Izzy scene to be appearing so quickly, and when it popped up I was so happy. I can see why George is acting like that, he really has part of himself taken away from him, and itís so heart-breaking. I felt so bad for Izzy when George hadnít read her letters, and I wonder whether they would have made any difference to him if he had.
Then the scene with Izzy and Harry was wonderful. Despite being brother and sister (well sort of brother and sister :P) theyíre such good friends too, and you could tell it in his conversation. I think Izzyís safe from him telling Sirius as heís a good brother and he would probably face some of the brunt of anger from Sirius, though the reaction would be great. There was another awkward scene when Harry brought up periods and I was sitting here telling him mentally to shut up. Fortunately he did, and that was generally a really cute sibling scene, and I hope we have more of them.
Then the cliff-hanger you left us on! I think itís right that George went to Remus, as heís suffered a lot too and would be able to understand Georgeís pain. I can guess what he was referring to when he mentioned the biggest mess up of his life. Well Iím hoping heís talking about Izzy!
Another amazing chapter and Iím eagerly awaiting the next!
-Kiana Report Review
Another amazing chapter! I really loved the scene in Diagon Alley Ė it was all excellent. Even though it was a really tiny thing in comparison with everything else I really loved that scene with Izzy and Ron, as we havenít seen them talk that much, but it was sweet that they got along. Then the scene with George Ė eek all the tension. I was sitting there pleading that something happened, and all George did was stand there and say of course itís busy around now. Oh well, thereís still hope for them.
Aw and Teddy was too cute to, I love him and Tonks and Remus, they make sure a cute little family and I love every minute theyíre there. And yay Luluís back! I felt so bad for both of them when she thought it was Fred, not George, that Izzy liked and I was sitting there thinking awkward. She did give some good advice though, so that should help.
Poor Molly too, sheís so distraught about it. Iím glad that you showed people are still really affected by the battle as I would imagine something like this would leave them grieving for months and not to recover completely, I guess itís what Lulu said about Gabe and his family. Iím looking forward to the big confrontation between George and Izzy as Iím sure itís going to be a good one. Another amazing chapter :D
-Kiana Report Review
I finally remembered to check back on your page for the sequel and there are already three chapters up - yay!
This was just a perfect chapter, and everything was wonderful. You got the balance between the sombre mood of the post-war but the fluff of Hermione/Ron and Harry/Ginny. Eek it was just perfect! I felt bad for Izzy though, as everyone was pairing off and she was just left on her own. I can tell that the visit to Diagon Alley is going to be eventful though, and Iím hoping dearly that it will straighten George, though I have feeling it will be a much longer and harder process than that.
There were some lovely humour scenes in this chapter too, with Tonks being awesome as ever, and then Alex was adorable. Whereís Mary though? I love them being so troublesome together, though Iím sure theyíll feature soon.
Iím sure boosting the story up to M is well reasoned and I have no doubt that those scenes will be classy. Eek this chapter was simply perfectly and I canít wait to read on, as it made me realise how much I love this story and squeal excitedly whenever Iíve seen itís been updated!
-Kiana Report Review
So Iím finally caught up Ė yay, and itís a beautiful chapter image again :í)
I liked the scene with Minerva and Alastor a lot. Even though she becomes head of Gryffindor and ends up fighting against Voldemort, it made sense that she wouldnít want to go and fight in the war. Even though her brotherís death hasnít been the main focus of the story, whenever itís touched upon she still closes up and shows that she hasnít fully recovered from it.
I liked how you made Moody philosophical in this chapter, it suited his character. Even though he appears to be a gruff man on the outside, he must have a lot of intelligence to be such a successful Auror. I liked that he could understand Minervaís decision and didnít have a go at her for not fighting, as some would expect him to do. It echoes the softness of his and Tonksí relationship and shows that he does have a heart and he can understand each personís decision.
Riddleís characters beginning to change in a worrying with other peopleís observations about him. I suppose the mention of the Restricted Section may be a hint that heís begun his research into horcruxes. I canít remember the exact time he killed his father and grandparents but it would make sense for him to be starting around now.
I view Ravenclaw as possibly the least united house at all of them due to the rivalry as to who can excel most, but I think it was right to show them as a united force in the face of Myrtleís death. That was reflected when the third year girls were clamouring to tell Grimm what had happened. Admittedly, I may have forgotten that Myrtle comes back as a ghost, and just assumed she was dead, even though sheís one of my favourite ghosts in Hogwarts. I suppose itís because in her ghostly form she has more confidence due to others, possibly, viewing her with fear.
I liked the subtle hints in this chapter about the basilisk and the chamber of secrets; it showed how easily rumours can be dismissed, and how easily Hagrid became the scapegoat for it all. It would be interesting to see McGonagallís perspective during the CoS considering she was there for the last reopening and experienced someone she knew die.
I can understand Myrtleís reaction and her refusal to talk to other people. I think Grimm needs to view it from her perspective, as I doubt most people anticipate turning into a ghost once theyíve died. Minerva seemed to understand the dilemma a little more than Grimm, but then she tends to be more composed in situations like these so itís not surprising she acted in that way.
That last section was really great. I liked the brief scene with Hagrid, as I have been wondering how heís been coping with all of this. Iím dreading the scene when Riddle blames him and Hagrid gets thrown out of the castle, as heís probably one of the most genuine characters and doesnít intentionally cause harm.
I thought I recognised that line from Dumbledore, and it really fits with the chapter title and how everything is finally coming together, and it is the endgame for Hagrid and possibly for Minerva and Grimm depending on what Grimm decides to do. I liked that Myrtle got an appearance too, as she appeared to be really relishing the fact she had been brought back to life. Youíve left me on a cliff-hanger though, as to where the scream came from. I guess it could be someone being petrified, or relate to Hagrid or something entirely different.
That was an excellent chapter, and Iím now eagerly awaiting the next one :D
-Kiana Report Review
Yeah I kind of gave up on the idea of not coming back until tomorrowÖ The only consolation for me nearly catching up on This Longing is that I have the Lily one-shots to read after, then all those other WIPs to get stuck into. Itís rather exciting rather than sad that Iíll run out of posted chapters!
Iím having more of those semi-guilty thoughts where Iím hoping that Grimm becomes a soldier. I scanned your MTA page when I was posting in there earlier and saw that you liked historical books, so if you did decide to send him to war I would love it, because it would, no doubt, be historically accurate which is something which is often missing from many stories and it saddens me.
Grimm doesnít often think of Minervaís physical appearance all that much, so when he did it in this chapter it was really tender. What emphasised the specialness of the situation even more so was when he began to realise that he, perhaps, loves Minerva. I had a little inkling for a while now, and he always gave off hints, but I think this time was possible one of the most sincere ones.
Was this line possibly hinting about the basilisk, or was it me just being clueless? ĎThere was some real worry of a something wandering through Hogwarts,í either way I really loved it, and if anyone was going to deduce what was going on at Hogwarts other than Dumbledore, it could only be Minerva and Grimm.
Haha I just realised that Iíve always referred to Grimm as Grimm and never Tiberius. Iím not really sure why Iíve done that, probably due to reading The Fires Within before this and thatís what he was mainly referred to. It would be too weird to change now, so I guess Grimmís staying. On another minor and probably more relevant note than the one I just made, I really liked the brief cameo from Eileen. I always wondered what she would have been like at Hogwarts so I really liked this brief snippet.
You touched upon a key theme of the story with this line ĎThis was no world for youth, for innocenceí I canít believe I didnít even pick up on it at all. I suppose itís because Iíve taken this journey with Grimm and Minerva and that Iíve seen them mature at the same rate as they did. Itís only when you look back in retrospect that you realise how much theyíve changed from when they were having light hearted banter outside of Dumbledoreís office.
Iíve been waiting to see when Hagrid would feature again after the Myrtle incident and it definitely lived up to my expectations. Each characters reaction perfectly reflected how theyíve been portrayed throughout the story, which is great, because Iíve often see them go to pieces when they reach the iconic scene.
Hagridís characterisation really shone through in this chapter. You perfectly caught the feelings of guilt he had for what Aragog possibly may have done, then his love for him still remained despite the persecution. It really showed Hagridís loyalty for anything he loves, and even though Iím not partial to spiders, I was really touched by it.
Ooh you did spoil in this chapter with the scene between Grimm and Riddle at the end of this. It was so measured and balanced and didnít veer into OTT at all. I felt impressed that both of them managed to keep their composure and not draw wands at one another, but that reflects the intelligence and methodicalness (yeah I made it up, but no other word seemed appropriate enough :P) they both possess.
Ok this is actually going to be the last chapter review tonight as itís half eleven so I probably should go to bed! It was another excellent one and I feel with the last scene and what happened with Hagrid something big may be about to happen.
-Kiana Report Review
I really liked how you made Lily have a feeling of inferiority to James and Sirius due to her muggle upbringing. It's great that you put emphasis on that, as I always imagined that it would affect her a lot. I really loved her descriptions of Vernon though, they were really humorous and it already gave me an idea of how youíre going to be portraying him throughout the story.
I really liked your characterisation of Minerva. I think it was the remark about her eyes were sharp yet kind, and that really showed what she was going to be like. I think it was right that she would comment on what was happening outside, partly due to her work with the Order, and partly due to her being rather liberal in terms of knowledge the students know. It reminded me a lot when she was challenging Umbridge in OoP.
So the Marauders are up to something then? You really caught the dynamic of the overall group really well, and if felt that there was an equal balance between them all. I felt the same with Jamesí interaction with Lily, which was really well done. I think both of their responses to Jamesí question were perfect and it showed the evolution of their relationship you would imagine there to be by sixth year. Iím eager to see the developments in that respect.
Even though it was tiny mention, and wasnít even romantically inclined I liked that Lily preferred Regulus to Sirius. I never got the Sirius/Lily ship as it just didnít make sense, but Regulus and Lily always seemed to have more similarities and it was nice to see that you drew upon it here.
I adored the tentative conversation they had on the way up to the kitchens. With most characters you wouldnít be able to pull it off, but I think with Lilyís kindness and Regulusí softer side it really worked well, and it had me awing throughout. You kept the balance of them not really knowing one another, humour and cautiousness perfectly. I really loved that part about a possibly potions genius love child, as it seems like something Slughorn would actually do.
That was a really excellent chapter. Itís so wonderful to be able to read your work as it flows beautifully and the scene changes are seamless, and I canít often say that about peopleís work. If it does take me a while to get back itís due to exams, because if it was my way I would have been caught up a long time ago!
-KianaAuthor's Response: Hello again :)
I'm pleased that you think the characterization is shaping up nicely and particularly that you liked seeing multiple dimensions to Lily here. I've really tried to make her seem as normal as possible, not too introverted but also not a caricature.
Definitely keep an eye on Lily and James. The two of them will continue to grow together and show how much each has changed as the story moves forward. It's great that you can already see changes in each of them from fifth year until now.
Well, Lily knows Regulus a little better than Sirius at this point; she really only knows Sirius through his affiliation with James. As you might imagine, that could change as the years go by. For now, though, yeah, they're just kind of awkwardly getting to know each other and realizing that first impressions (and hearsay) aren't always the most reliable source of information on a potential new friend. I'm glad you think them bonding, so to speak, over Slughorn made some sense.
Thanks for this lovely review, Kiana!
-Amanda Report Review
Yeah Iím back again :P I noticed a typo in the last review just as I hit submit, and I mean more not me! Thereís probably quite a few other ones, but Iíd rather carry on reading than proof reading! A more minor note, but that is a truly stunning chapter image.
You tease me too much, first with all the scenes with the thief and now we get another flashback. This line had some really lovely imagery ĎThe snow cut into her face.í Well, thereís a lot of beautiful imagery in all the chapters but I would probably go over the review limit if I included it all here. I just realised that you personified snow here and in one-shot, is it you favourite weather by any chance, or a mere coincidence? It was really lovely to get a glimpse at their earlier relationship, and how it still mirrors there present day one.
I like the scene when Minerva told the other prefects what had happened to Myrtle. You really caught the morbid curiosity people have when an incident, like Myrtleís one, occurs. Another subtler thing which I really liked is the change in the way Riddle spoke to Minerva. If you compare it to the party where he wanted to dance with her and was playing her pleasantries, to now where he appears to be bitter you can really tell how much killing someone, even if it was the basilisk, has changed him.
I like this daring nature of Minervaís even if it had to come about through unfortunate circumstance. First she plays truant and then she sneaks into the Ravenclaw common room. It reminded me of how she was during the Battle of Hogwarts where she had a rebellious spirit there too.
Iím rather worried about Grimmís current mental state. I didnít anticipate him to be so shaken up by Myrtleís death and for him to flee. I suppose I can console myself with what Minerva said about him hating enclosed areas. I thought this description of Grimm was perfect ĎWild, dramatic, intolerable.í It captures all the key characteristics which draw so many people into him. Ooh I found another perfect one for him ĎďYou are entirely nonsensical.Ēí Minerva really does have a wonderful vocabulary when describing him, or I should say you do.
There were two tiny remarks in this chapter which I really loved. The first being the fact that they were too young as it reflected how Harry, Ron and Hermione felt and showed that even in the wizarding certain events repeat themselves and a few will always rise to the challenge and defeat them. Then the second was the remark about the U-Boats and bombs. Though WWII hasnít featured much at all in this story, the brief comment about it here and there makes it all the more authentic.
The idea that Grimm had to join the muggle army reminded me of Amandaís Yellow and how magic and muggle events do merged together at times. It sounds horrible, but I would almost prefer him to join the army then go to the school in Canada, that way heíll be somewhat closer to Minerva, and I would prefer to read that then him being at school as it would bring him out of his comfort zone.
That was such a powerful line to end it on and it really made me reflect on how both their lives have changed throughout the course of this story. Iím going to stop reviewing for today so I still have some more of This Longing to read tomorrow :D
-Kiana Report Review
After that amazing chapter you left us on, I couldnít resist coming back for me :D
Iím so glad that this chapter picks straight off from where the last one left, even if we did miss the night in-between. I think it was right that it did, because otherwise I donĎt think we would have felt the full effect of Myrtleís and how it affected Minerva, Grimm and the rest of the students. Iím intrigued to see how Riddle reacts to it, heís such a good liar heíll probably act as if nothingís happened, though he may still have some touch of humanity left. Itís interesting to ponder.
Even though there was a kissing scene, which I loved, it wasnít too fluffy or romantic and had a touch of sorrow about it which reflected the circumstances which brought the two of them together. I could sense it in the way Grimm was talking and acting towards Minerva, as it seemed more measured and tender then beforehand. I think it was emphasised even more when Grimm was talking about how he didnít know how Minerva could stand him, and it seemed as if he thought she was weaker than him. But Minerva proved him wrong when she reminded him about what happened the night before, and I was glad about that.
It was interesting how you touched upon Minervaís brotherís death in this chapter. I like how weíre learning more and more about him through little hints and snippets as itís a lot more fun than just stating everything. I like that scene for another reason too, as it showed a more vulnerable and scared Minerva, thus making her more relatable. I think it was reflected the most when she couldnít go into the bathroom, as I wouldíve thought someone like her would be fearless in that respect, but this has clearly shaken her.
I donít think Iíve mentioned it before, so Iíll just say it now, but I really love the dialogue of Grimmís friends. It fits perfectly with the time period and the social standing I expect them to have, so itís such a pleasure to read.
I really liked Dumbledoreís measured response as to where Riddle was when it happened, it seemed very like him. Confirming that he does share a similar belief, yet telling them not to pursue it. Iím still puzzled by Dolores though, she always appeared to be one who looked up to higher authority, and though she does respect, and like, Grimm I would have thought she would have felt some loyalty to those in her house. But her being such an intriguing character makes it far more enjoyable to read.
You did a really great job of making them be in the unknown, and I donít think many other writes would have such control as you do. Itís interesting seeing it from my perspective as it seems so obvious that Riddle would open this mythical chamber and release the basilisk which would kill Myrtle. I suppose the only way I could understand their situation is remembering the first time I read CoS, though that was a long time so itís hard to recall :P
This was another excellent chapter and you managed to even weave in a bit of humour in an otherwise sombre chapter with this line ĎShe watched him, unable to understand. Did he think that she and Grimm hadĖ?Ď
-Kiana Report Review
Wow thatís a really haunting chapter image; itís making me wonder what on earth could happen in this chapter to cause Minerva to look like that.
I think the parts of the chapter when we get a glimpse of the thiefís perspective and learn more about his background are fast becoming my favourite parts. I think itís because of their effectiveness. You only say a little in them, yet they convey so much and itís really surprising. Though the only annoying thing about them is that it increases my desire to know whoís behind the stealing even more.
I really loved that scene when Minerva was confronting Walburga and Avery. It was great they you weaved even more canon characters, as itís always interesting to have a story behind people you know. I always found the pureblood families and their society fascinating to read, so I really enjoyed getting a flicker of it here.
I liked how even though they are Slytherins you added a humane touch to them to show that they do feel love, and have to suffer the consequences of it. I think the situation you created with Walburga not truly loving the person she is meant really great as it reflected Siriusí views of his parentsí relationship and it tied in perfectly with canon.
And we get another scene with the still unknown people. From the way they interacted with one another I think it may be Tom and Dolores. It would fit both of their personalities, and I can imagine that Umbridge would have this warped belief that this would separate Grimm from Minerva, and then she could then date him. I suppose youíre not going to tell me whether my assumptions are correct or not, so Iíll have to wait and see.
Hagridís accent was great, and I could just imagine his voice in my head. I suppose he was in the dungeons seeing Aragog, which must only mean that the attack on Myrtle must be coming up soon. Iíll be sad to see her die, as Iíve really grown attached to her throughout this story. Ah I was right! So Myrtle was the once-thief, I never saw that coming, but it makes it even more exciting due to the unpredictable nature of the book. I can fully well understand how terrible Myrtleís life must have been at Hogwarts with that bullying scene with Olive; it sort of justifies her actions for doing what she did.
Wow is all I can really say for that last scene. There were so many emotions ranging from guilt to love and it was simply wonderful. Even though I knew what Dumbledore was going to say to Minerva I still felt tense and afraid for her, in case of it being something much worse. The way Dumbledore told Minerva what had happened definitely suited him. He had the sorrow for the student dying, then the anger that he failed to do anything to prevent it from happening.
Minervaís and Tiberiusí reactions were exactly how I imagined them to be. They, too, felt guilt about it and if they found out what circumstances led her to be in that bathroom at that time; they would probably feel it even more due to them failing to prevent Oliveís teasing. I think it was right that something as monumental as this would bring them together, as theyíre both such stubborn characters and, therefore, couldnít give in unless it was something like this.
Another excellent chapter and I canít wait to see how their investigations further!
-Kiana Report Review
I somehow stumbled on this one-shot, and Iím so glad that I did as it was truly wonderful. I really love reading stories about the war from the Death Eater perspective as itís fascinating to studying, and you portrayed it excellently here. I think you chose great characters to work with in this one-shot and we really got a sense of them.
Bartyís characterisation really shown through in this one-shot, which is really great considering you only have one shot at making it work. I think you caught his confusion and paranoia brilliantly, and it was exactly how I imagined him to be in this stage of his life. When he was being put under the imperius you could tell how he wanted to fight it, yet struggled and that could almost be considered as a metaphor for his life as he never seemed to flourish like everyone else could.
You had some really wonderful imagery in here too, like here Ďits tan color now blossomed with splotchy, crimson dots.í And here Ďeagerness dancing in her eyes, and a sardonic smile on her lips.í It made it a real pleasure to read as I could tell you had put thought into the story and it really raised it to another level.
I liked the contrast you created between Bellatrix and Rabastan too. It showed how though most people view Death Eaters as all out extremists, there are different levels to them. You have the more moderate ones, like Rabastan, who are still have some humanity about them. Then there are the ones like Bellatrix who are just piped to the post of evilness by Voldemort.
The only CC I have for you is that at times I felt that the characters were overtly familiar with one another given their social standing and relationship. Like here ĎYouíre mad, for a rather decent looking woman!"í I had to get rid of the b word to make it 12+, but it did feel a bit strange as I always imagined Barty as someone timid. Itís only a minor thing though.
Other than that it was a really fantastic one-shot, and Iím so glad that I read it :D
-KianaAuthor's Response: Kiana,
Wow...just, wow. I'm just blown away with your review, truly, I am. I can't put into words how to respond to this, so I'll try the best I can.
First off, I just want to say how flattered I am to hear that you thought I captured Barty's character pretty well. I wanted to capture his crazed mentality, but I didn't want it to go overboard like Bellatrix's personality, so I had to admit, I did struggle some in finding the perfect median.
As for the link you made between his inability to throw off the imperius cure and his life in general, I must say, I wasn't fully thinking that at all when I typed it out. But now that you did point it out, I must say, metaphorical wise, it makes sense.
As for the imagery...I tried to put in as much detail as I could. I love a good description when I read stories myself, and I know many other readers do as well, so whenever I write, I try to put in as much as I could into the focused work.
And Bellatrix and Rabastan! I personally adore Bellatrix, even though I'll probably be forever sore that she killed Sirius--but I felt so comfortable writing Bellatrix's character! In the original draft, I made her more darker and her intentions with Barty more violent, but after two rejection notices, I realised I couldn't achieve that Bellatrix level I wanted. It honestly tore up my little writer's heart...
As for Rabastan...him I wasn't so sure of. I debated to myself pleanty of times, "How dark do I want to make this character?" "Is he like Bellatrix, after all, he did help look for the Dark Lord and torture the Longbottoms into insanity." But the more I thought about it, the more I believed that it was all Bellatrix's dirty work. Being married with Rodolphus, the husband joined, and through his brother, Rabastan joined in with the ride. And then there was always my personal opinion that Bellatrix truly had no love for her husband, or as I had Rabastan quote: "It was a loveless union". I'd like to imagine what you said was true, that Rabastan did at least have a drop of humanity in him, at least...more than Bellatrix. Bellatrix was just crazy!
And for the CC, I totally get what you're saying, and I do consider it. It's just that, with Barty, I was never wholley familiar with his character, and I researched as much as I could about him, but it's kind of hard without the book actually in front of you. The internet can only provide so much...
I personally never imagined Barty as timid. Quiet yes, but in a cunning, overly-observing way. I suppose my characterization of him can be further described in my other one-shot of him, "Shadow". It's rather hard to explain straight-up how I feel about him
I just want to thank you so much for reading and taking the time to actually type up this wonderful, thought out review. So much depth, it made my mouth hurt from making me smile. It truly was a way to end my day. Thank you so much!!
Pearl Report Review
Haha I loved the plan about Archie giving up magic for a month, if I was a witch I donít think I would be able to do that. Poor old Neville too, I do feel bad for him as heís such a forlorn character who always ends up in mishaps.
Ooh I just remembered something; I donít think you ever mentioned which house Archie was in. Iím going to go with Slytherin as he has not so nice thoughts about the students at times or Ravenclaw because he seems quite smart.
This part really cracked me up ĎďNo, but well... thatís your last warning. I hope you learn from it.Ē
ďSure,Ē Kevin said, dropping his potato peeler onto the desk and folding his arms, ďlike a Ravenclaw on a Sunday.Ē Considering Iím a Claw and my revision tends to peak by Thursday, I would say that was fairly true :P
Poor Archie that class really didnít seem to go well at all. Though itís more amusing on my behalf, if they were sitting there getting on with their work it would be nowhere near as fun to read :P
So they get to experience a food tech lesson then? Mine were nowhere near as eventful as thereís was, but then again, I actually knew how to use the muggle cooking things which probably made a big difference. I was feeling all proud of Archie finally cracking down on the discipline front, then for him to realise that he didnít have wand with him was sad.
Aw poor Archie needing comfort food, at least he won award and that should cheer him up :í) Another great chapter :D Report Review
I think it was a good idea to choose to make chapter eight a more school work focused one. Besides quidditch, school work is the thing which reminds me that they are still at Hogwarts so now weíve had those two chapters we can go back to school work.
I liked Andromedaís evident caring nature in this chapter; it was really lovely to read. Aurora seemed to be a really lovely girl too, and I canít wait to read more about her and Domís friendship. The plot is thickening with the revelation about James though, and I hope we get a scene where Dom and James meet one another as Iím sure it would be powerful.
I have two things about the last paragraph. It was the longest paragraph, I think, to date and it meant that I began to lose my concentration as reading such a large block of text can make that happen so perhaps cutting it down to two or three smaller ones would be a good idea. Also, there were a lot of dashes which just lit up and proved a little distracting, so if you found another form of punctuation instead such a semicolon, period or comma.
Ok this mystery is definitely turning into a great one! With the secrets between Aurora and James about what they could do and Albusí confusion about what itís about is seriously bugging me. And thereís no more posted chapters after this one, so I canít find out this big thing theyíre all stressing about it. You really displayed their emotions and atmosphere well here.
I noticed in a couple of places like here Ďďsorry about that.Ēí And here Ďďsay, Xander, you donít know anything about how Domís doing tonight, do you?Ēí that you forgot to capitalise the start of the sentence.
I did find a little odd that Albus was crying, but then I figured his eleven boys still cry at that age and it will be interesting to see how he continues to be a sensitive boy. I hope these reviews have helped you in some way and I canít wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: I'm glad you like the school work part- I love the intricacies of Hogwarts classes :)
I'll edit the paragraph--thanks for pointing that out (both the length and the dashes).
There's another chapter in queue that reveals what is going on, so as soon as that's posted, you'll find out what has everyone all antsy.
I'll go back and fix the capitalization, thank you for pointing that out.
And Albus is only 11, and I figure Lysander probably hurt his feelings when he was harsh and that was just Al's breaking point.
Thank you SO much for your constructive feedback- I'm going to have a massive editing fest later tonight when I'm done at work. Your reviews are so helpful yet so awesomely nice they just make my day :)
next chapter should be up tomorrow, btw!
~M Report Review
When writing prose itís often best to keep dates or times in their letter form like here ĎIt was 4:30 AMí, it would better to sat it was four thirty in the morning, it just looks better and keeps the writing more sophisticated.
Ok I was seriously worried then. I thought they were going to jinx or attack poor old Scorpius then, and I was getting really worried for him, as he is lovely. Thank goodness it was only some ritual, and we got to meet more of the Weasley family which is always fun. And it was for the quidditch team which makes it even better. I think it was cool that Scorpius made it on that way through sheer skill compared to how his father made it onto the team.
I really loved the Molly extract. It was funny to know more about Percy, and I loved how he met Audrey. Iíve always loved that pairing as itís a funny thought thinking Percy could be in love and where they met matches that perfectly. Itís always fun to get a bit more background info, and you weaved it in such a way it wasnít too much at once and we managed to remember it.
There was a few run on sentences. Like here ĎMolly hopped off her broom and towards the locker room, where she quickly showered, packed up her gear, and then pulled a slightly beaten apple and a muffin out of her bag, so that she could sit by the lake and eat breakfast undisturbed before having to face a chaotic day of NEWT level classes.. You could put a period after room, and then get rid of the where. Itís just one idea, as there are lots of ways in which you could split it up.
I liked the quidditch talk in this chapter, you made it fun to read which is something I donít say all that often. The move suited Dom a lot as she seemed to be a bit of daredevil ever since we first met her with her skateboard. One thing I would perhaps suggest for her characterisation is include more thoughts about her werewolf, so we donít forget and it will be a good build-up to the future plot line!Author's Response: I'll go back and change that bit about the time- thanks for pointing that out!
I love scorpius- I'd like to think he was raised better than his dad was, and I can see James setting aside his hatred for Scorpius for the good of the team.
Molly is one of my favorite characters- I love the idea of Percy having a Luna-esque daughter to drive him up the wall. And I figured he had to find a way to meet Audrey- why not through quidditch (plus I can totally see Ginny playing match maker).
I'll be sure to fix the run-on sentences- thanks so much for pointing it out!
That's a good point about the characterization-I'll go back to the story and edit for that. Thanks so much for pointing that out.
And thank you for this great review!
~M Report Review
As much as I would love to review every chapter, Iím going to have combine some as I have a ton of exams and time wonít let me otherwise, so my plan of reviewing section by section may not work as well here.
I really liked how you made Slytherin a nice house, and I almost wanted to be a part of it. I liked the idea of the First Friday and how they had to be nice to one another, because Slytherin almost seemed like a cult at times to me, so this fits perfectly with my mental image of it.
The idea of Dom being the protector of muggleborns suited her really well and it made me laugh. I wonder what part Ivy will have to play in the future chapters, as sheís a really relatable character and Iíve grown to like her in this chapter.
Admittedly, I did find a little odd that Andromeda was the head of Slytherin as she wasnít a teacher beforehand and I assumed that you would have to work your way up first. So if you provided more backstory for that later on it would be great, as I think itís cool that sheís find a way to rebuild her life after Ted and Tonks died.
Hahaha James is back to his grumpy old self, he resembles a lot about his namesake, especially with the hint about Kate not wanting to date him. Is Scorpius the Snape in this situation? I liked the diving scene too, and it was fun to read. I really like the first yearsí connection with one another they making a tight knit group. I wonder who Jamesí friends are, because I imagined that he would be fairly popular and have several.
This line confused me a little too, ĎThe professor raised an eyebrow at the son of his former colleague. ďDo elaborate.ĒĎ we werenít told, or I donít remember being told that Ginny and Harry worked there, so perhaps include more backstory to that too. It only needs to be a brief line or two, nothing more.Author's Response: I have a hard time believing that Slytherins are evil, and I do feel they are discriminated against (often unfairly). So I'm assuming Slytherin has to have a close-knit group within because they always seem to be so united. Plus the whole pride thing would mean they wouldn't want to air dirty laundry in public, I'm guessing.
Dom's a bit of an oddball in Slytherin, being a Weasley and all, so I figured it made sense that she would look out for Ivy. Ivy is one of my favorite characters too, and I'm really excited about writing her :)
My take on Andromeda is that she probably became a teacher around the same time as Neville, and worked her way up to head of house (plus, nobody else wanted it). I will include more of a back story to her in future chapters, don't worry!
James is obnoxious but i love him. Scorpius isn't the Snape in this situation because he's younger, in the same house, and Kate's more his protector than anything, from James. So different relationships compared to Lily/James/Snape.
Williamson was an auror from them books--I figured he probably worked with Harry at some point. I should probably clarify that though. Thanks for pointing that out!
thank you so much for your amazing review- reading your reviews has made my day!
~M Report Review
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