Afternoon. *waves* Sorry about how long you've had to wait for this, I fell asleep and then woke up this morning with work to do.
On the bright side, I've read this chapter three times, so maybe this review will be slightly more intelligent than my usual crap. No promises there, though.
Your Memory Chamber thing's a really cool idea, you know that? It seems exactly like the kind of thing someone like Hermione would've pushed for in a post-Sirius Wizarding world. (Although maybe not on Level Nine, 'cause that's the Department of Mysteries according to the Lexicon. Level Ten is where Harry's scary courtroom is in canon, so maybe put it there instead? )
Your description of it is concise and it really works, too.
While your descriptions of the Great Hall are similarly pretty good, I feel like the structure of them is a bit awkward. It's easy to believe that the Great Hall is empty at the beginning because you start with the great cavernous rooms etc. etc. rather than the more immediate and obvious (and logical) OH MY GOD THIS PLACE IS FULL OF PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. I'm also wondering what kind of person Albus is for noticing the furniture first, considering this is mostly in his perspective... I don't know, maybe I'm just stupid?
As for Greyback... hmm. Okay, so he's how he would've been depicted in canon. Problem is, though, that JKR wouldn't have thought of this either: he's at least in his late seventies here - probably older - and he's spent over twenty of those years doing not much in Azkaban. As well as the fact that he'd have spent a part of his sentence in pre-inevitable-reform Azkaban. I'm not sure how agile he'd be at this point to be able to attack as well as he does, even if they are almost all distracted. The only person he should really be able to attack is Albus, who's had no training or any idea what he's up against... unless the Hit Wizards are still as useless as they were in the eighties.
Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong; I have no idea what I'm on about, probably.
It's pretty obvious you've read Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness, as the only difference between your Seamus and Thanfiction's is that yours says "lass" instead of "darlin'". :P
Anyway. The clues make sense now! The meeting between Seamus and Hermione makes a pretty good ending - it takes us away from all the bureaucracy and danger and reminds us of the quieter, sadder moments implied by canon. I was unsure of where you were going to take it at first, but it's nice. Well done.Author's Response: So I've been pondering this review for a couple days now, not quite sure how to answer. I appreciate some of what you're saying and in other places I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. I'll do my best.
The Memory Chamber solved a very significant problem for me. I didn't want to write a scene where umpteen members of the Wizengamot all line up and tumble headfirst into the same pensieve, one after the other. That just sounded dumb. So why not a room that's a gigantic pensieve? As far as Level Nine vs. Level Ten. Sure. You got me. If it means that much, please feel free to imagine it's on Level Ten.
At the very beginning of Hermione's memory, the Great Hall is empty. This is the time when everyone is outside, mourning Harry's apparent death and watching Neville decapitate Nagini. Then the action moves inside and yes, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL ONE ANOTHER! Albus notices the furniture first because he starts out looking upward, toward the partially destroyed ceiling, and gradually looks downward.
Greyback is definitely getting on in years, but he's still a werewolf and he has the element of surprise. I don't think the Hit Wizards expected him to try to escape because nobody else did.
I did read Year of Darkness and that version of Seamus definitely influenced the way he's portrayed here. This Seamus isn't covered with runes, however, or dabbling in dark magic. He simply can't abide the notion that the monster who killed Lavender is allowed to go on living. I'm really glad that you liked the ending. I thought that the way Hermione encourages Seamus to seek forgiveness and redemption made a nice contrast to the way she's determined to see Greyback die in prison for what he's done.
As always, I found this review to be challenging and though-provoking. Please feel free to stop by any time! Report Review
OH MY GOD YOU UPDATED I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
This review, therefore, will contain a lot of gushing. Sorry.
Your descriptions of the two different kinds of rain in this chapter are utterly delightful. In general, the weather you've described in this fic tends to suit James' emotions really well. In fact, one of the great strengths of this fic - and what I've read of your works in general - is that it always feels really immersive, character-wise; I genuinely do become your characters, because they're so realistic and they're so relatable. I don't know if I'm making any sense whatsoever, so if I'm not, sorry. It's just that you're really good at narrative voice and that makes me happy.
The kind of details that you only throw in when they're happening, as if James' only just remembered or thought about them, help with that immersive feeling too, like "Edgar's returning from Liechtenstein today" or "the hot guy's name's Cesare". It should feel jarring, but it doesn't. I don't know how you do it.
Erm. Moving on from that gush-vomit up there (hopefully).
I like the lack of gay angst in this fic, too. Your casual mention of discussing boys with Edgar despite the fact that the latter's straight shows that, and it's a reminder that this fic is actually set in the 2020s. That kind of social context is cool, and also you've basically eliminated at least a quarter of the slashfic cliches I so loathe.
AND YAY, THEY KISSED. I've nothing even vaguely intelligent-sounding to say about that... just, it made me happy. I hope Cesare + father are innocent of whatever it was in the first chapter because I really want them to be happy even though they've not actually gone on a date yet, despite whatever Edgar says.
Anyway - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UPDATING. And now I'll shut up before I embarrass myself further.Author's Response: OH MY GOD YOU REVIEWED - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW :) And sorry for the late response - uni has been kinda difficult recently, but moving on!
Rain! The excellent thing about writing fics set in England is that I get to describe many different types of rain, seeing as how we get them all. I think we have about twenty different words for 'raining'. And I'm not joking. Gah, thank you so much! James is kinda every person, only he's not at the same time - and hey, I can't explain anything about this, so don't worry about it! ;) I love doing that! This style is so much fun because it's so easy to just throw things in like someone's reminding him. I kinda imagine a light bulb flashing above his head occasionally, lol, but for some reason that never makes it through the editing process...
Yeah, I never really like next gen fics with gay characters which are filled with all this angst about their sexuality and their family because it's a time in the future, you know? So why can't it be fairly normal to be gay? Also, in my headcanon for this story, Edgar's known for years, so even if there was a case for gay angst, he's had plenty of time to get used to it. And yes, I hate cliches, so it's so great to hear you think I've avoided them :)
Hehe... Edgar does like to assume things when not told otherwise... and yes, they kissed! They'll kiss again, don't panic ;) As for Cesare and father being innocent (I literally typed his dad's name and then had to back-track because I'm not sure I've revealed that yet...), well, you'll have to wait and see, I'm afraid ;)
Thank you so much for reviewing - I loved reading this so much and I'm sorry it took so long to reply! :)
Aph xx Report Review
PLOT TWIST! Several, actually.
Blakeslee's character's interesting, in that you wouldn't expect a severe-looking woman with a good heart to work at somewhere so soul-sucking as Witch Weekly - you'd expect her to be a teacher, or something - but she does. I hope we see more of her, she sounds fun.
Awkward!Wood, too, is fun and makes for good fluff, however much I tend to prefer the Goblin feminism and drunken debauchery, and surprisingly I can believe that he's the same guy as the one from earlier. You can actually write drunkenness vs. hangovers vs. not-drunkenness, which is pretty rare in fanfiction 'cause we're all underage.
I'm the tiniest bit concerned that there's a possibility of making Wood a Quidditchier, masculiner version of Edie, but as we've only just met him sober, I'm reserving judgement.
Anyway - you've set up a lot of future Rose-Edie and Oliver-Edie conflict and/or romance here, and it seems like it'll be fun. Well done. :DAuthor's Response: SO MANY TWISTS. :)
I think Blakeslee's being a nice person was partially derived from my intentions of making this as little like The Devil Wears Prada as possible, and also my inner desperate desire that people who aren't horrible backstabbers can get ahead in their careers, hehe.
Unfortunately, I am old and not underage. XD At least you said it makes for good writing?
Thanks for the swap! :) Report Review
Hey, I'm here from tag.
Okay, so this was several kinds of fluffy.
Teddy's voice really stands out in this fic. He's awkward and tells bad jokes and remembers the oddest things from National Geographic; he's a burst of uncontrollable adolescent energy. He's relatable, too, despite the random saving-Mother-Earth-green hair, and it works well.
I'd say that if you were to write a Teddycentric WIP with this kind of characterisation, you'd have to be careful about turning him into an actual character rather than a collection of cute quirks, but for a one-shot you don't really have that problem.
I do think Victoire fades into the background here a little bit - we don't get as much of a sense of her individuality as we do Teddy's - but considering how this one-shot is from Teddy's POV, that's okay.
Anyway - this was fun, and cute, and I s'pose that's what you were going for, so well done with this fic! :)Author's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you like Teddy. I adore his character, and I really think that he's just and ordinary kind of teenage boy who has a rather coloured past, but is trying to make the best of things.
And I'm not sure about a WIP Teddy fic... You're right - this kind of voice would be very difficult to sustain over a large word count.
And yes - Victoire is a weak point - thank you for pointing that out! I wrote this in something like two hours, and that's not a good thing when you don't really have a handle on your leading lady's character!
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Report Review
Hey, I'm here from Gryffindor Review Tag.
Wow, you do like your obscure references, don't you? I know Terrence Spungen is probably one, but all I can think of is Sid Vicious' girlfriend Nancy Spungen, who is probably irrelevant to this fic.
Anyway. Your Snape is rather Snapey for a Slytherin Mary-Sue fic - as I'm sure you know, those kinds of Snapes tend to be inexplicably endlessly adoring or loathing of said Mary-Sue - but it works fantastically, and provides me with my favourite sentence from this chapter:
"The excessive lip twitching of the staff alone would cause my eyes to roll in the back of my head, and I need them to stay where they are."
That is so fanon!Snape. As well as fanon!teachers in general. It's wonderful. Also, a Snape with only the whites of his eyes visible is both a horrifying and hilarious mental image.
And then you've actually paid attention to the details, which sadly is rare in parody fic. Pansy flushes beet red while Peony (or Pe'onia, which sounds suspiciously like "pee on ya") is attractively pink! And then the instant Peony/Terrence UST!
I love your OOC Pansy and Draco so much. As well as the actually sane, absent Roderick. I honestly think that's the only thing I can say about those three.
This bit of writing made me gigglesnort:
Maybe he was completely unaware of how his sideways glances were making her nervous. The silence was making her nervous. Being in this hall with him… she was a nervous wreck. Nervous warmth spread behind her ears and she wished for anything to break the thick layer of nervousness that had built up around them.
Made me a bit nervous, though.
Your convoluted romantic love triangle is coming on quite convolutedly. Which is a compliment, by the way.
And now I'm going to shut up before I embarrass myself further. This was awesome, Dumbledore's Army FTW, I'll see you around. :DAuthor's Response:
Spungen was one of the sir names that JKR was considering for Draco Malfoy, by the way, but you get points for noticing. :)
Yay! Favorite line time! That IS a horrible mental image of Snape. *shudder* But it fits.
I love your pronunciation of Peony's name! Perfect! (Just like her little birds! And if you connect those dots and arrived at the short metabolism rate of finches...)
That nervous section was such fun! I'm sorry it made you a bit nervous, but then you're relating to the characters, and that's a good thing, right?
Dumbledore's Army! *fist pump*
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Hey, I'm here from Review Tag.
So I'm a little unsure what to make of the concept so far - first chapters tend to do that to me - because, on one hand, I love stories about Dark Lords and Ladies and the like, and about the general messed-up-ness of Wizarding society, which is what your summary seems to be promising. On the other hand, however, AU Russian girl with an implied chaotic and abrasive streak has an immediate dislike for Draco Malfoy, ends up getting Sorted into Gryffindor, becomes Dark at some point maybe... well, I've seen that before, and it tends to end up awful.
I should probably have more confidence in your writing ability than that, but still.
Okay. Now onto the actual chapter.
Your use of your mysterious, dramatic, assumedly unreliable narrator is interesting. Ze's drama leads me to assume ze is or has been fairly close to Morgan, at least enough so to be able to piece together her story or make it up entirely, so I'm guessing they're one of the students in Hogwarts era... am I close?
Your opening is nothing short of beautiful. It gave me a real sense of how committed the narrator is to this whole thing (in fact, I'd say this chapter seems to be far more about the narrator than it is about Morgan herself), but at the same time, it feels like zir hands are tied, because ze 'must' welcome it rather than wants to. I don't know, am I reading too much into this? It's pretty damn good, anyway, and your use of imagery and the analysis of the Wizarding world's reactions to people like Voldemort and Grindelwald is particularly effective.
You've got some really cool descriptive sentences throughout, especially this one:
The only way Morgan knew that they weren’t a poster was that her mother was a little bit taller than her father, and it was her firm grip that led the distracted man at her side, not the other way around.
You know the whole "a picture is worth a thousand words" thing? Totally applies here. With that one image, you've shown us the level of Morgan's alienation from her family, as well as the power dynamic between her parents.
...as well as the whole "how does an assumedly external narrator know what Morgan's thinking" thing. That too.
The initial meeting - more specifically, the not-meeting - between Theodore and Morgan is a refreshing change from the usual canon character/OC fics wherein they come across each other and instantly despise each other, or instantly become friends. Basically, your eleven-year-old characters are actually eleven years old. I couldn't do that, so well done there, too.
...and you end it all with the promise of mayhem and/or war when she comes across Gred and Forge! Sounds fun, though I'm not sure why Lee Jordan ain't there too.
Anyway, well done for a fairly interesting first chapter, and you may see me around in the future to catch up with the rest of this.Author's Response: Hey!
What a wonderful review! :) Thank you for your compliments on the narration! I am going to try and pull that streak throughout the story just because I really like the narrative voice...as to who the narrator is, that will remain a secret for a while still ;)
I do hope you come back to read some more, because I would be very curious to see your opinions on how I develop the story further. You will probably hate it that I left out Lee Jordan all together, but otherwize, since you aren't a big fan of dark boy-broken girl shipping it seems, you might have a thing or two to say about the way this particular ship will develop!
You sort of freaked me out with this, though :P "AU Russian girl with an implied chaotic and abrasive streak has an immediate dislike for Draco Malfoy, ends up getting Sorted into Gryffindor, becomes Dark at some point maybe... well, I've seen that before, and it tends to end up awful." Could you tell me which story has that same constellation? I was under the impression that my story was not too typical and would like to inform myself as to what else has ben done in this direction :)
Well,thank you for a great review, you pointed out a few useful things Report Review
Okay, so the summary and the East Asian Audrey attracted me to this fic, because everyone loves strippers. :D (Although Audrey is probably more of an exotic dancer rather than an honest-to-God stripper).
Seriously, the idea for your characterisation of Audrey is fantastically original and you should be proud of it. The fandom in general does not normally view Percy as the kind of person who'd end up marrying a Muggle dancer, but it does make a certain kind of sense.
Anyway, I'll start from the beginning, because that's generally the place you're meant to start from.
They were the eyes of a dead man.
That's a lovely opening sentence right there. It's dramatic, yes, but it also establishes your characterisation of Percy before we've met him, and it's really effective. Well done.
The description of Percy that follows is extensive, and carries on creating the impression in our minds of what post-war Percy would be like, which is really cool too.
I will say, however, that what you make up in detail you lose in realism - I'm not completely convinced that Audrey is going to be inclined to study this man. (After all, desensitised, strange, dead-eyed men are not necessarily uncommon at strip clubs.) It makes more sense that she'd note some details about him and then, when she gets a less awkward chance, get a better look. At least, in my opinion. I don't know.
One nit-picky thing: you've used colour in your description of Percy. If he's sitting under assumedly-coloured neon lights, that'll affect the colouring of his hair and eyes as seen by Audrey.
Mr. Arnold Remmington had a certain respect for the girls that danced at his strip club but allowing them to leave the club, Bare Back, without having a sample was his real intention. Audrey had never liked him but she had been working at the club for the past three years and had always avoided his greasy palms on her skin, his lips on her hair.
I really can't tell if Remington here is actually intending to have sex with all the strippers and exotic dancers or not. :S
The first encounter between Audrey and Percy is so cute and funny. Awww. Percy, the man who could inspire a million Socially Awkward Penguin image macros. And I really like how assertive Audrey is, too!
There had been a dark time in her life when any attention from a man had been wanted desperately but she’d taken some counseling and had gotten herself through that phase…hating that her father had brought it out in her in the first place.
Oh, and it was going so well.
This bit's a tad stereotypical, in my opinion, and I'd be surprised if current psychological theory supports this whole 'abusive/absent father ---> feelings of specifically sexual inadequacy ---> hyperdependence on a male presence' thing. I'm also not sure as to what this whole part about Audrey's turbulent romantic life adds to the narrative as a whole; it's a bit like you're implying that Audrey feels like one bad relationship should mean that she never experiences heterosexual attraction ever again, which is a bit drastic.
I don't know. Am I reading this wrong?
The girls who worked here all had some sort of history and sometimes they were never very good but in their own way they supported one another and Audrey took a seat at a bar stool and held up her fingers to the bartender.
More criticism for you: the bit that starts with 'Audrey' has no direct relevance to the bit before it, and this isn't Joyceian stream-of-consciousness, so this should probably be two sentences.
On a happier note, the interaction between Audrey and Percy is extremely interesting. Percy just, quite rightly, feels a bit like he's being stalked (and probably tired and a bit drunk and he wants to go home, etc.), as well as having the strict sexual morals you'd expect from a guy like him. Audrey comes across as a more easygoing yet a more practical person; she'd be Sorted into Slytherin if she was a witch, but that's a compliment rather than an insult.
I will admit to struggling to see why Audrey is going to persist after this encounter; if I, having had some moments of the practicality that you've shown Audrey to have, were to find someone immensely attractive and intriguing, and they acted like how Percy acts to Audrey, I'd probably just shrug, leave them to their own devices and go home and catch up with my Netflix queue or something, y'know?
But - obviously, you've given yourself the space to develop and change the Audrey-Percy dynamic, and you've probably made headway with that already, so you can ignore this if you want.
It's been a fun read so far, so happy writing! :)Author's Response: Hello!
What on earth am I supposed to do with this monster? I was idly checking and saw this and went, "My God...Caoty has gone mad." But it was nice getting a review from you really quickly, I wasn't expecting that at all!
Well. Thanks for coming onto this story first, its always a nice surprise when I get reviews at all for this story. I wasn't really sure if I had done this one particularly favorable, considering that, firstly, Audrey's Asian, Percy's not quite right and I've made her a stripper/dancer, however you want to look at it.
I'm not going to lie and say that I knew exactly what I was doing when I was writing this first chapter. I'd had a brief idea for it but there were, as I noted many a time over rereading, millions of character flaws and mistakes.
As in, the lighting and Audrey's interest in Percy in the first place. I suppose I wanted to play around with her noticing something inside of herself in another person but that may not have come across very well. :p
Ah, her whole thing with her father is a bit stereotypical. I wasn't really trying to do it on purpose but I thought that showing how different her life was from Percy's, who we know comes from a very loving family would be important down the road. But I probably should have come up with something a tad more original than that but I didn't want to delve into say, drugs or anything like that. A bit too dark, even for me. :p
And you're right about the lighting as well too with her description of Percy. I'd meant to go in and change that. Just haven't done it...laziness! Hahaha.
Okay, I'll just let you know right now that Remmington intends on sleeping with more than one stripper at the club. Just throwing it out there. Might not have really needed it but, there you go, this story on some points for me is a tad over dramatic. Sigh.
Audrey herself will say that her romantic life, and I'll add that she's had more than one bad relationship, puts her off on having anything genuine with someone. But, that might be a flaw I added in for her on purpose since her interactions with Percy later on (Chapter 5 anyone?) aren't going to go as planned and might just teach her a lesson about playing with fire. Or red hair. Or something. Something.
Anyhoo! Percy/Audrey themsevles are really interesting for me to right and thanks so much for thinking so! I tried so hard to grasp what their dynamics might be like and the way she is just makes it all the more fun. Loud, rude, Audrey. :D
Hahaha, I will admit to not knowing why Audrey is so persistent on pursuing this encounter. Perhaps I should have had them talking a bit more, getting the feel of kindred spirits or something because otherwise, you're left going, "Well, he's not all that great."
But then again, Percy does warn her off more than once, its Audrey actually going for it. She knows something is off about him and she's probably one of those girls that would poke at a bear just to see what would happen.
Yeah, so that's a flaw in my writing for her, I think.
But I played around with her interest for Percy in the next chapter and the one after that. I'm not going to say that this is the best fanfic that I have, but I do really love it so you'll have to bear with me. Not sure if you'll come back but this was a really great, helpful review and thanks so much! I left one of your one-shots a review too! Look at that thing!!!
See you on the forums!
Gabbie Report Review
Hey there, I'm from review tag.
So, Daphne. I'm not sure how much Daphne fic you've read, but I tend to read quite a bit, and it's very refreshing to see your non-impossibly-beautiful-ice-queen characterisation of her! She feels realistic and human, and that's great.
Theo also feels real, even though we haven't actually met him yet. It's really cool how you've introduced him; he's a kind of present absence, so that by the time he turns up in person to this fic, we're almost as familiar with him as Daphne is. Very clever.
The way you've incorporated the darker undertone of post-war guilt and politics into this is also very well done. It's not something you can shake off easily even as you move on and are known for fantastic carrot cake rather than being the heiress to a wealthy neutral Slytherin family, and you've clearly shown that.
I've got a minor nitpick for you:
I’m going to spend all evening mopping up, she reflected
With the domestic charms that Daphne uses throughout this chapter, this feels a tad bit incongruous, don't you think? :P
Anyway - well done, and good luck writing. This could turn out to be something great. :)Author's Response: Hello there!
It's good to know that you like Daphne. I haven't actually read many stories about her, so it's great to hear that she sounds realistic from someone who has!
I'm really pleased you picked up on the thing about Theo too, because I quite consciously wanted to make his presence felt, even though he's not technically in this chapter.
Post-war guilt, and the war's effects on Daphne's generation, are (hopefully!) going to be quite a major part of this story, so I'm glad that there's some
suggestion of that already.
And thanks for pointing out that inconsistency! I'll go back and rephrase :P
Thankyou so much for the review! I really appreciate it! :)
Hey, it's me from review tag. :)
So, first of all, this is an interesting premise - though I will admit I was a little bit sceptical at first - and a good, solid start to the kind of fic you're hoping to write, which is great. Well done!
Both Draco and Hermione are fairly IC, which is something sadly not often seen in Dramiones, and so well done there too.
However - I don't know if it's just me being stupid, but I cannot fathom this bit at all:
Draco bit the inside of his cheek. Just for books? Any books? "Tell you what, Granger, stay here until I'm done looking around and I might let you leave with only one hex as well as whatever you came here for."
Erm... what wasn't he?
Anyway - apart from that - this looks to be developing into a decent read, so good luck writing. :)Author's Response: To answer your question:
He wasn't going to let her leave with only one hex as well as whatever she came there for. He was going to turn her in to Umbridge anyway.
Thank you for the review. Report Review
Hey! I'm here 'cause you asked for a swap and I took you up on it. *waves*
So, this is a nice little romance so far. That's a pretty significant statement, 'cause Bella and Rodolphus don't seem the type to have nice little romances, so I'm glad someone's writing that - like quite a few people, I ship one-sided Bellamort, so I don't often see the Bella/Rod ship in the limelight.
It's going to be interesting to see how you transform her into the super-crazy Bella we all love and how the relationship between Bella and Rodolphus will change. ^.^
I know you've addressed Bella's OOCness in your author's note, but personally I think you maybe could've hinted at what she will become more - she seems almost like a young Narcissa here, and I'm wondering how you'll distinguish the two's characterisations.
This review probably wasn't the most helpful you've ever received, and I'm sorry about that, but good luck writing this anyway. :) Report Review
Hey there! It's me from common room tag.
So this is a good, solid start to a mystery - you've introduced us to the crime, the victim and the Aurors without heaping tons of information on us, and there's still plenty of stuff we don't know, which is good.
Your mention of Scorpius' and Teddy's relationships with their families is also very well done - we get a lot from a few sentences, and it's very fitting for both their backgrounds.
That twist at the end is fantastic. Wow. Parvati, of all people. It'll be fun to see how she is in this story.
Your grammar isn't amazingly perfect - you've got tons of sentences like these:
"The wizard finished his analysis." he announced and looked grave.
which should be
"The wizard finished his analysis," he announced, and looked grave.
Anyway - good luck with writing this, and you may find me around in the future. :)Author's Response: Hello there! Thabks for the feedback!
I'm really happy you enjoyed this first chapter of my story, characters and all. It's really fun to write!
As for the grammar, I know I'm struggling, because in my native language the grammar is very, very different. So spell and grammar check are my best friends when writting, but I guess even they fail sometimes.
Hope to see you around and once again thanks!
Hello, it's me from tag this time.
So I kind of love Greyback because he's so depraved, and I'm really glad he's here. Just because.
But anyway. Your Hermione is perfectly characterised here, equal parts caution and passion, and very well suited to attempting to navigate the absurdities of Wizarding laws and class systems. And I've always liked the idea of Albus being the quieter one in his family, so having him as the protege works well too.
The reveal of his identity at the end of that debate-resembling-thing was way fun by the way. Didn't expect that at all. :D
And then, we moved onto Greyback. Hmm. I'm conflicted. On one hand, his characterisation is exactly like how he's seen in canon, and the way he's perceived in post-Remus Wizarding society is very interesting. On the other hand, I wish that there was more ambiguity to his morality - it seems like he's just straight-up evil, just because, and that's it. While I do understand that Hermione is absolutely justified to react in the way that she does, I feel like a little more objectivity in the narration could've made it better.
I don't know if I'm making sense here so I'm going to shut up now. See ya.Author's Response: Hello, dear!
Part of the reason that I picked Greyback for this instead of the other Death Eaters who were presumably captured and sent to Azkaban was for precisely that reason. He was very different from the others in that he was never after wealth or power in the conventional sense. His goal was to infect as many other people as possible. Greyback wasn't so much a villain as he was a contagion. He was the Typhoid Mary of lycanthropy. And he obviously has several very personal scores left over with Hermione.
I tried to create a sort of duality with Hermione's character in this. On the one hand, she's still fighting passionately on behalf of the underprivileged and oppressed. Yet she turns on a dime where Greyback is concerned and does everything she can to keep him in prison. You're not the first person to comment that you would have liked to see more ambiguity in Greyback's characterization. Honestly, I tried several different ways to get there and they all would up reading kind of stupid. Maybe some day I'll figure it out...
I enjoyed your perspective, as always. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hello, I'm sorry this review is late - something IRL came up. :s
So, erm, I will admit I've been avoiding these Teddy-Dom-Victoire love triangles, because I tend to assume they're full of cliches. You know how it is, right? *sigh*
But anyway. This one-shot was a very entertaining piece, and you've shown the moral contradictions of your characters really well. It doesn't glorify cheating - Teddy is clearly not a good guy here, and Dom clearly needs to sort out her priorities too. Even Victoire, who's the most innocent of these three parties, is a difficult person to live with. It's really cool how you've written them like that.
I will say I'm not convinced that Teddy is in love with Victoire at all here, but maybe that's what you were actually trying to get across - reading this as Teddy trying to convince himself that he should be in love with her makes this piece even more interesting, because what the hell is up with that guy?
The structure of this, with the flashback and all that, is something that usually goes terribly wrong but doesn't here, so well done on that too.
Anyway, sorry for the lateness (again) and happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it. :)Author's Response: Hello! And no problem xD
It's good to know that even though you dodge the Teddy-Dom-Vic triangles, you chose to read this.
I am glad that you found this entertaining. I could never glorify cheating, and I hate to read stories that do, and thus I wrote this :) I am so happy that you think I have written my characters "cool" xD
Well, I leave it up to my readers to interpret whether Teddy loved Victoire, or he loved Dom, or neither. I just wanted to get across how confused and a little selfish he was. He wanted everything, yet he still didn't know what he wanted actually.
I am forever worrying whether my flashbacks work with the flow or not, but I am so relieved to know that you think that it worked fine.
Thanks a lot for reading & reviewing! Report Review
Hey, I'm here from common room tag. :)
So, this was interesting. You've clearly made an effort to incorporate the vocabulary you've been given for your challenge, so well done there. The voice you've given your OC, as well as the romance, feel believable and fit well with the words you've been given.
That said, I have issues with your reveal of your characters' identities - or at least first names - near the end. If this is the Sirius of the Marauders, then you can improve on his characterisation; from what we see of him in the books, and from the environment he's probably grown up in, his language is going to be far more colloquial, and this'd be also true if, say, these were Next Gen kids named after the Marauders. The only possible explanation I can think of really is that this is Sirius' namesake with some random chick named Lily... I don't know. It threw me off.
Anyway, good luck with your challenge, and I'll see you round. :)Author's Response: Hey there!
From the way I see it, both Black brothers were raised in the finest education. The idea actually came from the letter signed RAB and the language there. This was not a story about how he dealt with his friends, but rather his internal turmoil, which he alone could understand. I couldn't possibly imagine him telling any of the others these things.
Thank you for your feedback! :) Report Review
Hey, I'm here with a little something for your birthday.
So I've been shipping Luna/Dean since DH - they are pretty much together during that book, and you've shown it wonderfully. Your Dean stood out in particular as being perfectly IC. He's quiet and down-to-earth here, yet with enough appreciation of the unreal to fall for someone like Luna. That's exactly how I see him, and that doesn't always translate as well in a lot of fic as it does here, so well done on that.
The way you've written Luna is also interesting - she seems so... ephemeral? Like she's almost not there. It works, surprisingly - she's totally the world's biggest tease, yet she's still full of surprises. It's cool. I like her.
The contrast between the kiss and the impending battle is a lovely image. Maybe I would've expanded the tight focus you've got on these two here, to really drive home that contrast - dark skies, Gothic architecture, the sounds of war, all that kind of stuff... it just really helps to set that scene a bit more. I know we all know what Hogwarts looks like, but still, I think more description there would've been more effective.
Anyway, that's all from me today. I hope you continue with this, but more importantly, that you're having a fabulous birthday! :D Report Review
You? Incompetent? Never. And I'm not even being sarcastic.
So. Where to begin. I'll try to start at the beginning, but I don't know how successful that'll be.
I don't know if the Burrow's current state and Molly's reaction to it is meant to reflect George, but it does, shattered photo frames and the like. As do the fragmented sentences you're apologising for. I love it. All of it. Just thought I'd remind you of that in case you'd forgotten.
I also love your messing around with pronouns to refer to Gred & Forge. You've turned confusion into an art form. I'm jealous.
Your use of synaesthesia, too. Bloody hell. I'm synaesthetic, but I feel kinda mundane after reading your delirious descriptions.
But mostly - yes, there is a point to this review - dark humour! Yay! I'm the kind of person who laughed near the end of Requiem for a Dream, so I laughed at lines like:
and just high!George throughout the funeral. It was hilarious, and hilariously sad. I don't know how you do it. It's not fair. D:
This would be a more detailed review, but I'm not very good with words. You may have noticed.
I will say that I'm not sure I quite understand the whole headstone thing - I mean, I get that it's significant and stuff - but I just... don't get it. Doesn't click for me. I'm not very bright and you are very subtle. Could you explain that one to me, please?
Anyway - I'm sorry for this crap review and thank you so much for updating.Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much for this uh, "crap review", you said!? No, it's brilliant and it's made my day :D You're synaesthetic? Wow, that's something. I can't imagine how it's like so I did a lot of guesswork here...also I did remember having a conversation with someone else who has synaesthesia and tried to be ahem, accurate.
I was worried that George being high in Fred's funeral was a little silly...but then I thought, it's silly? Then I'm definitely writing it! I'm glad you thought I pulled it off :D
As for the gravestone thing, it's just one of those moments that don't make sense without the rest of the story in context. Um, I do have sort of an idea (a very very vague one) where this story is going, and I guess you will have to wait (uh, several chapters?) before it sort of starts to make sense. Am so sorry! It's me, not you :(
And stop being jealous of me; you're a fantastic writer yourself! You say more than I could ever manage in such few words :) That's a skill that's hard for others to master.
Thanks so much once again :D Always look forward to your reviews!
-teh Report Review
Hey, I'm from the Review Pairing thingy in the common room.
So. This was a very realistic portrayal of the experiences of a Muggleborn witch in the Muggle world; the kind of isolation and alienation someone in Lynette's position has got to feel is... well, a lot... and you've shown that really well. I love realism, so this makes me happy.
I like how you've also got a bit of irony there in Nate's sexism - he thinks Lynette knows nothing about sports, yet she's a competent player of one of the most difficult and exclusive sports in the world. It also highlights a complete divide between the Wizarding and Muggle worlds that is pretty difficult to reconcile.
And, of course, Daniel, ever the rationalist. The sort-of-romantic tension and the cute-funny moments you've shown us between them really make that ending work. Even though it's technically not an unusual decision on the part of a Muggleborn/half-blood/Squib, Lynette's silence is still really sad. I like it. (In case you hadn't guessed.)
I've got a bit of criticism, as well:
Firstly, the spacing between your paragraphs needs to be sorted out (please) because it's quite distracting and, unfortunately, there are many people who'll think that formatting issues = badly-written story.
Also, you've still got typos (so you or Elenia may want to look that over again), and I'm not sure about the last couple of sentences. To me,
"After all, magic is not real," she said quietly.
would have been a killer last line on its own, and the last couple of sentences are telling us what we can already infer from her interactions with Daniel. In my opinion, you don't really need them.
Anyway - this was a well-written one-shot about things that we don't really think about. Well done! :)Author's Response: Hi Caoty!
First of all, I would like to apologize for taking so long long to reply to your review. It's just that I have been busy with my term papers and all that.
About the review. Thank you so much for appreciating my story the way you did. I am so glad you thought my story was realistic enough. I was really worried that I wasn't able to portray the friendship between Daniel and Lynette properly. So it's nice that you found them cute. The conversation between Lynette and her brother was also very important. I think it's great that you thought it was nicely done.
As always, I love constructive criticisms. Thank you for pointing out the spacing issue between my paragraphs. You're first one to point that out for me and I would try to get it fixed as soon as possible.
I also understand why you thought the last few lines were unnecessary to some extent. I think it's about time that I start editing this story.
Once again, thank you so much for this wonderful review. I really really appreciate it. :D Report Review
Me again, from tag.
So. Your descriptions are lovely, especially for the gold vine, and I'm interested by how different Sin is to Hermione, even though they both (god, I'm talking about them like they're different people!) are intellectual. Nature versus nurture, and all that.
I really like that sense of security you get us into until BAM! Random guys turn up who know who she is. It's fun. I'd honestly thought this was going to be a nice fluffy chapter. XD
It's all very interesting and suspenseful now.
Anyway. I'll admit this isn't the longest review in the world, sadly, but good luck with this and happy writing, it's got potential. :)Author's Response: While brainstorming Sin ( originally she wasn't Hermione, but the first draft she fit the role better than the other notion I had...) I kept thinking of if Hermione were to grow up different, or have all of her past erased how would she be? It turned out far more interesting than I thought it would lol. Thank you so very much, I hope you come back to read the next chapter. :3 Report Review
Some nice, shiny new word friends coming up courtesy of yours truly, since you asked so nicely.
I will admit to being more of a Queen fan than an ABBA fan, so now I've got Another One Bites the Dust in my head which is obviously going to make me happy. Prepare for a good review. :D
So, this was great fun. You've got that elusive teenage-boy-voice down perfect - Dean's funny, angry and sad and it definitely works well.
You've also captured the mood of Another One Bites the Dust well without resorting to violence, which is impressive.
I'm not quite sure about the Lavender thing, though. It seems like... maybe a bit random? Like, is he even attracted to her? I think that might be just me though.
Otherwise, this fic was well-written and the flow was pretty consistent, you've incorporated the song well and so... good luck with your challenge. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it and I have to say my ABBA over Queen preference is only a slight one ;) You thought the song was incorporated nicely?! Yay! Thank you so much! I'm also glad you think I captured Dean well. Since he's not really a main character in the HP series, I was worried he wouldn't fit with the little we do know about Dean.
I see what you mean about Lavender. I meant it more that neither of them really care much about for each other, but that they're both sort of empty and hollow from the relationships they were in where they both really cared about the person, but were eventually left. It was just that they each needed someone to make them feel like they were... loved, I guess. Does that make sense? haha Obivously it didn't translate very well from my head to the writing. I'll have to see what I can do about making it more believeable.
Thank you for the lovely review!
~cb ") Report Review
You are far too hard on yourself. I thought this chapter was great fun. You're a good humour writer.
Regulus and his mates-that-he-hates are very realistic - getting drunk, whining about not being able to have sex without there being strings attached - yeah, I've seen that in real life, and it's funny and stupid here. I would say though, where you've used 'pureblood' in that drunken wedding conversation, maybe you should replace that 'proper' or 'rich' instead? 'cause, you know, it's pretty much a given that they will not date anyone whose blood can't be compared to driven snow.
Your introduction of the mysterious-tormented Bess isinteresting, too. She's funny, naive and brave, which is a fun combination. She obviously is in danger of being infected by generic-romcom-OC syndrome, but you can work through that.
I also thought that the writing style here's a bit different from that of the last chapter - it's not an inherently bad thing, I'm just not sure what to make of it.
Anyway. I know you said you hate this, but I don't think it's terrible. :)Author's Response: Hi there! =)
Yeah, my inner critic tends to be quite demanding. =P I do like to write humour, but I'm just not sure if it serves the purpose here. This was supposed to be originally more angsty/drama and now it looks like there's going to be some black comedy spins on it.
I love writing teenage boys with all the crudeness and vulgarities. I guess the 'pureblood' comment underlines the idea bit too much, so I guess have to reread and maybe even rewrite this chapter after NaNo.
Yeah, the change of tone is definitely one of the things I worry in this fic. I guess I just have work through it and find some kind of happy medium between black comedy and angsty drama. =P
Thanks for stopping by for the review. =) Report Review
Okay, this was cute. This was adorably cute. I wasn't expecting to have such a reaction to a fic based on a Snow Patrol song, but... d'aww.
James' voice here is perfect. He's the right mix of sarcasm and adorableness, and I like him. You've managed to go from his self-depreciating humour and teenage boy-ness to the more poetic descriptions of Lily without it feeling jarring, so well done on that.
Seconds later, she's pushing her warms hands through my own locks
Can I just inquire as to who refers to their own hair as 'locks'? :P
Slightly less minor nitpick:
The shift in narrative voice from James-talking-to-imaginary-Lily-in-second-person to James describing his actual interaction with Lily is a bit confusing, because it's just a bit like Monty Python - and now for something completely different... you know what I mean? It's a bit too subtle. I mean, that could be just me being weird, but still.
Also, Imperius curse as a prank? Dude. Pads wouldn't do that (or have I just missed the point and James is just being stupid?).
Anyway. Despite this being rather critique-heavy, I did very much enjoy this fic - I love a good bit of fluff, and this was a very good bit of fluff - and it made me smile. So thank you, and well done. :) Report Review
OH MY GOD, ACTUAL PHYSICAL CONTACT! Though I do love my slow-growing relationships.
Erm. Anyway. I'm going to spend this review going HOORAY FOR MINOR CHARACTERS, in gratuitous capital letters, just so you know.
So, HOORAY FOR MINERVA. I was not expecting you to write from her perspective, but you've written her well - she's calm and brave and yet infinitely scared at the same time, which absolutely captures the Order's war spirit. Her fond and proud recollections of current and former students are lovely, and absolutely make that scene.
And HOORAY FOR RANDOM ORDER MEMBERS. You've given them all distinct personalities and integrated them well into the Order, which is sadly unusual for Marauder fic. Your Dorcas is pretty cool, and shows no sign of getting together with either Remus or Sirius. Yay.
And HOORAY FOR MOODY. Or rather, everyone's reactions to him. He shows similarities and yet key differences with the man he'll be around the time Barty Crouch Jr. shows up to kidnap him, and the way you've had people making fun of him and calling him out on his chauvinism is just... awesome. It shows the humour and friendly companionship (as opposed to unfriendly companionship? God, I've no idea what I'm going on about half the time) that the Order members still share despite the dark times. Despite that rather cliched description, I actually do love it.
And HOORAY FOR ALICE, because you can totally imagine her as passing down her genetic material to a guy who grows up to rock cardigans and slay Horcruxes. But mostly because she's a really awesome, strong young woman in her own right.
And I could carry on like this for years, so I'm just going to end with telling you how much I adore James and his emotional vulnerability, and brush up on your canon spellings (like Muggleborns and Sorting) will ya? :PAuthor's Response: Hiii! Sorry for the forever response. I accidentally caught the Christmas fever early and spent all weekend decorating.. haha!
Minor characters!! Yay! I had so much fun including them in this chapter. I want to introduce them bits at a time, so in Book Two, when we see way more of the Order, everyone already has a good idea of these people and understand them to an extent.
No Dorcas action with either them, that's for sure! And writing from Minerva was SCARY. Dan alwasy tells me to pick the character that knows the least or has the most to lose. And I feel like she has the most to lose in this case, then her voice just started lecturing away in my head and the line, 'are you referring to one of my students as that brown haired thing, Mr. Moody?' popped up almost before the chapter itself :P.
I am so happy you liked this chapter ♥ I'm going to start trying to do regular Friday updates, so you're going to spend even more time over here. Mwahaha. Anyway, errrmm you're awesome, but you already know that. And YES, SIR OR MADAM, I WILL LOOK OVER MY BOOKS IN THE MORNING! Deal? :P Report Review
Hey, I'm here from tag.
So this was adorably fluffy. Can I congratulate you, first off, for writing an honestly healthy romantic relationship between two teenage characters? That, sadly, doesn't often happen in fanfic, but it was really awesome here. I especially like Victoire's retelling of the two learning to live without each other and the importance of space and autonomy in a relationship. That's amazing, especially for Next Gen, which tends to have the more cliched and problematic relationships.
The whole thing with Teddy and the chocolate is fun, too - he's both like Remus and entirely unlike Remus in that respect. (Remus would have that much chocolate, but let you eat all of it so you wouldn't think he was selfish. Your Teddy has no such qualms, thank God.)
Victoire and her awkwardness are lovely, too. You've got lines like this:
I discreetly attempt to take a whiff of him, inhaling his very familiar scent that now sends a tingle down my spine.
That's a childishly adorable, and yet so much like adult sexuality... if I'm making any sense at all.
By the way, you've got a few typos and such - I'm not talking about the bit where Victoire's mouth is full, because obviously that's intentional, but missed apostrophes and the like popping up a few times in this fic as a whole.
Despite that, though, this was fun, and well done with the challenge. :)Author's Response: Wow! Thanks so much! I really appreciate you leaving such a thorough review.
I'm really glad it wasn't too cliched because I know it's hard to avoid in next-gen fluff.
I'm also glad you felt that the characters weren't to two- dimensional; that was a main concern of mine, since it is a) a one-shot and b) incredibly fluffy.
Again, I super appreciate your review!
P.S. I hope this isn't a no-no to say how much I loved YOUR story. So much loveliness! Report Review
Hey there, I'm from tag.
I love Narcissa. I love the Narcissa/Lucius 'ship, and even though it's come to a sad end, I still quite like the way you've written Narcissa - haughty and warm at the same time. And Lucius as the golden boy, the ideal man.
I've got a bit of critique for you though too. Firstly:
and that had been the night she had lost her virginity
I'm... not really convinced by this. The conservative values of pureblood society would probably extend to women's sexuality too, because they'll want to know that any children she has are most definitely pureblood, and therefore Narcissa would probably wait until marriage. That may be just me, though, being all sociology-geek-y.
The Blacks are also known to support the Dark Lord and so Narcissa would probably do so too, in my opinion.
Anyway, despite that, well done with this. :)Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
I love the Lucius/Narcissa ship too. I am glad you liked my portrayal of them.
Thanks for your critique, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. To me, Lucius seemed liked the guy who would lure girls into his bed since Hogwarts, and since Narcissa was smitten by him, I assumed that he would sleep with Narcissa as well - maybe after a little persuading and charming. And I think I am pretty sure Narcissa knew Lucius was a pure-blood.
And if you remember from my story, Narcissa wasn't against the Dark Lord. She was just neutral towards it - being sort of a 'family' person, she didn't want to get involved in the war, on neither side.
Thanks :) Report Review
Honestly, the minute I look the other way you've got a whole bunch of fic up that I haven't read. This and BTF? Hell yeah.
I wouldn't have known first person was a challenge for you if you hadn't said so; you've got Charlie's voice perfectly here. I love him. I don't generally ship Tonks/Charlie, but you're slowly starting to change that.
I like this dragon reservation hierarchy you've got set up here, with this whole masculine toughness thing being valued by these hardened dragon keeper/trainers/handlers/trainees. It suits both Charlie and the dragons well, and it made me wonder how Ashton's experience in the reservation is. /sociologygeek
Tonks is all kinds of adorable in this one. Milk everywhere! Limp bacon! Oh, the horror. Love her. And the reference to Alice (as opposed to Frank, unusually for fanfic) being one of the best Aurors Mad-Eye's ever seen... awesome. Made me smile.
You've still got typos and Americanisms in this, and you know that, because obviously you're just putting them in there to test me. :P
And sometimes your pronouns get a bit confusing, like with:
They forget that they're only following their instinct.
Using the same pronoun in the same sentence to refer to two different things... yeah, that's a bit awkward.
Anyway. Am eagerly awaiting the next installment, etc., etc.Author's Response: Hi darling! Mwahaha can't turn your back on me for a second :P
First person is really, really difficult. I constantly feel myself trying to switch back into third. I'm so happy you couldn't sense that in the writing!
It's funny you said that, because wanting to see how a woman would do in this situation was something I really thought about, as well. Thus, Ashton was born! That sentence would have been better if she had a last name... maybe I should give her one..
I can't help but have a bit of my Before They Fall head canon slip into other stories. I do think Frank was an amazing Auror, but I think Alice was better.
I think the Americanisms I have left are ones that I really don't know are Americanisms, because I can't for the life of me spot them in this! I wasn't sure about Jeans, but one of the British online Dictionaries said it's used over there, but those things probably don't know what they're talking about half the time...
Thanks for the awesome review, m'dear ♥ Report Review
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