Reading Reviews From Member: SiriusAura92
  
50 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SiriusAura92From Sytherin to Gryffindor! Adventure awaits : An Eager Acceptance Letter

10th July 2015:
Hi there!

While I do like the look of your story so far there are a couple of technical things that you really should work on.

Okay, first things first, punctuation. There's a lot of lines in here that really need breaking up with either full-stops, commas or a combination of the like.

eg. "good job Ari looks like you're going to Hogwarts wish I could go with you to gather your supplies but i have to go meet my instructors they will help me become a Auror...

Should ideally be:
"Good job Ari! Looks like you're going to Hogwarts then. I just wish I could go with you to gather your supplies but I have to go meet my instructors. I wish I could get out of it but they are the one's who'll help me become a Auror...

It not only tidies up your layout but make it so much easier for your readers.

Secondly is details and descriptions. You have all of these lovely new characters (and have clearly done work on their characteristics/traits) but we still don't know what any of them look like. The same is true of your environment. Tell us what their cozy family-house is like. Never fear that you're telling us too much when writing about those kind of things!

Finally is that honestly gorgeous opening. You have no idea how few people on this site never introduce the Wizarding world when starting their own OU. My ONE AND ONLY point on this is that you really could've rolled that out for a tiny bit longer (Maybe explaining all things magical to us in the first chapt J.R.R.Tolkin style).

I know it probably sounds like I'm relentlessly hashing at your story but trust me, if you want to dive into writing all seven years (AND I REALLY HOPE YOU DO!) you won't regret working on these things at all. (I wish I did when I started but I was very big headed back then :P haha!).

Wow, that's the longest review I've ever done!

Can't wait to see what you do next!
Regards
SiriusAura92 :)

P.S. Oh, and you left the italics on for the second half of the chapter ;)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! :D

I already fixed a lot of things! ^-^ I also thanked you at the end of the first chapter so again thank you so so much!

I promise i'll do my best to work on the punctuation. Along with the grammar (trying to do that now actually XD lol )

You will see the changes I made once it gets Validated.


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Review #2, by SiriusAura92Equal Measure Good and Bad: The Curse of the Stonehenge

29th June 2015:
Hey,
You have a very interesting story here and I'm very interested in where about it goes.
First things first though, you need to get rid of every 'The' you put in when mentioning Stonehenge. It's just "Stonehenge", no The.

You also need to keep an eye out for repeating yourself such as with "Long-time friend" and the word "barriers" used in two sentences one after the other.

And make sure, everytime you do a P.O.V swap you remember to let the audience know where the character is if its the same location as a previous section.

Minor complaints aside you have given quite a bit to be interested in and I look forward to reading more.

Keep it up!
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thanks Sirius for a comprehensive review. I surely shall look into the issues you have raised. Thanks for taking the time to go through the story minutely and I hope the further chapters shall be better. :) :) :)

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Review #3, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Panic

25th June 2015:
Hey!
Sorry for being so quiet for so long!

I really like the drama that's finally unfurling between the sisters and I'm actually hoping that this isn't the last time they see each other.

The Battle of Hogwarts! (YAY!) Firstly I want you to know that I do like the way you've approached your climax and the argument of whether they should get involved fits in very nicely. However, traditionally I would recommend more build for a action/battle-climax, especially one the size and scale of The Battle for Hogwarts.
The reason it works here is because we all know about the battle, we all know it's coming and are (on some level) waiting for it.
Perhaps a cheeky POV of a character who's readying for the battle/knows about about its advancement in a previous chapt to wet your audience's apatite for what's coming.
Just a general note for you as a writer really.

On the whole, a very well written chapter and I cannot wait to see what comes!

P.S I also like the new name ;)

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hi there!

It's definitely me who should be apologizing for having not posted anything new in so long. I'm still working on the next chapter, but I swear I'm getting there (just at a truly glacial pace).

I also think there's more to add to this in some parts as you've said. It's annoying that I've sort of posted this as I wrote it instead of writing the whole thing and then posting, but I suppose this way, I get feedback from wonderful people like you and can improve my writing as I go! I've actually spent some time over the last few weeks going back and editing the past chapters, not sure if you noticed. Nothing major changed, just word choice, flow, and the like, but I may change bigger things before I finish this.

Thanks again for your feedback and hopefully I've have a new chapter up soon!

Much love,

Stefanie


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Review #4, by SiriusAura92Taking Back My Life For My Own : To Hell With Them

25th May 2015:
Hi,

While your story is very interesting, as you already know, the spelling and punctuation really does leave little to be desired.

Might I suggest looking for a Beta reader on the forums to help you as I think you could benefit a lot from it.

Good story and once you learn how to go over your stories with a fine tooth comb, I have little doubt it could become a great one.

Always Keep at it!

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hi There
Thankyou for your advice on that i'm sorry about the mistakes i will try harder next time. I've been trying to log in to forums but for some reason it wont let me on and yes i very much so need an editor Fancey the job ? he he. But in the mean time i will try my best next time also thankyou for kind words on the story itself i just hope i will get ther in the end and become better in time. You take care and thankyou so much for taking the time to reviewing my story by for now.
Bruce x


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Review #5, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Learn

13th May 2015:
Hey there,

It's little wander why your not so impressed with this chapter as it is a bit of a slow burner.
While the character progression is very nice there is quite a bit that could've been trimmed and replaced with something a bit more progressive (Such as the P.O.V of another character). Even if it's something small it gives your readers the sense of learning something more about your story and where it's going (or think it's going).

Not a badly written chapter at all!
Well Done,
SiriusAura92 :)

Author's Response: As always, your comments get it exactly right! It is a slow chapter, though I suppose necessary for some important character development. It doesn't quite match with the fast past of other chapters. I actually have a different POV bit written, but it didn't materialize until after I'd posted this one, so I wanted to wait to see what people thought.

Thanks again for the review!

-Stefi


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Review #6, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Run

27th April 2015:
Hey,

The past couple of chapters have been really enjoyable!
One technical thing I would point out is you should pick a way to write out numbers (I personally prefer writing them out to digits) and stick with it as it can look messy especially when you've done the differently in the same line. (As done in this chapter at the end of the sixth paragraph of the Greengrass' POV).

I'm enjoying your story a lot and I'm genuinely looking forward to what happens next!
:D

One thing a bit off topic: I've recently updated the first story of my main series (The Battle of the Survivors) and am looking for people to go over it and let me know if everything's a-okay (I've always found readers can find things that authors could never spot lol). I was wandering, if you have time of course, if you wouldn't mind going through it and letting me know what you think.
No harm if you can't, it is a 35 chapt novel.

Well done again,
SiriusAura92 :)

Author's Response: Hi again!

Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you like my story so far! I've generally gone by the rule that one digit numbers are written out and everything else is numerical, but I can see why that would look messy to some.

On the topic of your novel, it seems really interesting and I'd love to check it out, but I don't think I could be of much help to you right now as I'm quite swamped with work. I can look at it, but it'd be a slow process I think.

Sorry about that!
Stefi


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Review #7, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Cast

30th March 2015:
Hey!
I'm so glad you mentioned Astoria's Charms talent in your AN because that really was my biggest problem with this chapter.
Yes, you have said she's talented at Chamrs but (As a man once said) when it comes to traits in a main character you must always Show not Tell and build up their abilities to show your reader what they're capable of.

Aside from that I am enjoying the pace of your story and look forward to where it's going.

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hi!
I think you're totally right with the whole show not tell thing. I thought about it too, but felt it was too late to go back and change some chapters. I may still do that later on, but I haven't decided yet. I regret a little bit not writing the entire story out before posting so I would know exactly what does and doesn't work, but in the end, I'm glad I did it this way.
Thanks again for your feedback!
Stefi


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Review #8, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Unite

23rd March 2015:
Wow.
Reading your three new chapts at once is kind of exhausting haha!

Firstly, I really enjoy your action scenes. Considering you said you've not done anything like that before, you do them incredibly well and the result was BRU-TAL!

The plot twist with the parents running the safe-houses was also really nicely done though I was surprised when Daphne admitted that she was the attacker.

Very well done
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hi again!
Glad you liked it! I do accredit some of my action writing to the plentiful and gratuitous action movies I watch.
I'm also glad you liked the safe house thing, I'm working out some details with that now and the newest chapter will hopefully be up soon!
Stefi


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Review #9, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Enlist

21st March 2015:
Hey!

I think you did Bella very well personally. I think she would have been able to put up a better fight against Daphne though (unless she wasn't trying too hard which does make sense).

Your descriptions already are getting better so definitely keep it up! :D

I think you could've done a lot more with Daphne being gone. Show us what she's going through (Maybe for a couple of chapters even!) and show us what Astoria would/could do at Hogwarts without her and then really hit us with a reunion.

Anywho I still really enjoyed this chapter and am still excited to see what happens next!

Keep up the great work!
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you for the review! I'm glad you like Bellatrix! Yes, I'm 100% sure that Bellatrix could beat Daphne in a fight, but went easy to see what she could do.
I'm not spending too many chapters on this part because something is happening very soon that changes the focus entirely, so I don't want to spend too many words here.
Without giving anything away, I think it'll be something really unexpected...
Anyway, thanks for reviewing!
Stefi


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Review #10, by SiriusAura92On Crumbling Lives: Change

17th March 2015:
Hi there!

I think you have a really strong story here.
The torture/action scenes are really effective, your take on the Greengrass' story is something I find very interesting and your writing style in general is nicely done.
I've really enjoyed what I've read so far and I definitely want to see where this goes.

What I would say is you would gain a lot from adding in some finer details (such as environments/surroundings) just to add a bit of colour to it and maybe slow it down just a bit. While you've done very well, this is just the third chapt and we've already had a pretty harsh torture scene and our main character has just attempted murder!
Slow down a tad (Just a tad!) to work on building your characters and their relationships up a bit more before chugging away again and I guarantee you, not only will your readers get more out of it, but I bet you'd probably enjoy more too! (I always love writing for the characters I've built up.)

Well done for this and I cannot wait to see how this all pans out for the Greengrass'!

Hope this helps
SiriusAura92 :)

Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! This is my first time doing something like this, so I really appreciate your suggestions! I think you're completely right on all fronts and will definitely work on that, maybe even editing the existing chapters. I think you're especially right on the whole setting the scene thing. I did want it to move quite quickly because I didn't want it to be too long, but I completely see where you're coming from and will definitely be taking that into account when I write more chapters.
I'm so glad you've enjoyed this little world I've created for these way too often ignored characters.
Thanks again!
Stefi


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Review #11, by SiriusAura92Assassin: Prologue

11th February 2015:
Hi there!

I'm really interested in what you'd do with this.
I also really like your writing style. It's nicely descriptive, no obvious errors, it's paced well and I find the premise really exciting.

You might want to look over some of the repetitive descriptions though. You have some really nice details (such as when you're describing Voldemort) but the number of times you say "Young boy" gets more noticeable every time and repeating yourself like that can get in the way for your readers.
And maybe we could've done with a little bit more detail into the Young woman (Such as what she looks like), but all in due time I'm sure.

Anyway, I really liked this intro and I would certainly continue reading if you continue writing (Which I hope you do!).

Well Done!
SiriusAura92 :)

Author's Response: Hey SiriusAura92!

Thank you for the comments! It's really refreshing to get another person's point of view, and I appreciate it a lot.

I'm hoping to continue this story, and am working on the first chapter but it's taking a while since I want it to be good. I'll bear in mind that repetitiveness, and try to add a little more detail but, since it was the prologue, I didn't want it to be too specific.

Thank you again for your review, I really enjoy hearing others opinions on my writing!

Thanks

charlotte elin :)


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Review #12, by SiriusAura92Fallen Redemption: Torture

2nd February 2015:
Wow again!
I don't think I've ever seen a whole chapter dedicated to torture before but, although there was a nice amount of detail throughout, I think you would've benefited a little from just a bit more detail at the beginning. Really show us what He's done to her in-between chapts.

I'm also not quite sure how I feel about Voldemort using Muggle inventions (Such as the TV) considering how much he hates them. Maybe magical creations based off of Muggle tech.

Anyway, these are just small points as I really enjoyed this chapter and am, once again, impressed by how you can grab that much attention with the final paragraph.

Well done and I look forward to the next one!

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! Glad you enjoyed it. I know exactly what you mean about Voldemort using muggle inventions, but I can also see him being attracted to the added power and influence they can give him. I've also been thinking about how he tends to try to lull people into a false sense of security and might be able to do that by pretending to embrace parts of the muggle world before completely taking over. Do I necessarily think he would do this? I don't know, probably not. But I decided to play with it anyway :)

Again, thank you for your constructive, thoughtful, and positive review. I'm glad I'm able to hold your attention! I'll be posting the next chapter soon!

~hermionegarner


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Review #13, by SiriusAura92Fallen Redemption: Harry

28th January 2015:
Well worth the wait!
I was a little surprised at Harry's slight memory loss, forgetting he was a Horcrux and his meeting with Dumbledore (If that event even happened in your AU) but I guess he was in a coma for seven (I see what you did there!!!) years and anything could've happened to him.

And that ending... Oh I'm looking forward to what happens next!

Well done,
SiriusAura92 :)

Author's Response: Thanks! I figured he would have at least some memory loss. And don't worry, the next chapter is already being validated!

~hermionegarner


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Review #14, by SiriusAura92Oh dear, Regulus: The Hogwarts Express

12th September 2014:
Hey,
Considering it's you first story, you've done a good job.
Your characters and the way they interact are all pretty well done. So you're good there!

You might want to edit this spacing wise though. Close the gaps in-between paragraphs (as they're like ten spaces long) and start a new paragraph every time someone different starts talking.

eg. Regulus passed one of their house elves. "Take my trunk and owl from my room, and load it in the carriage."

"Of course, Master Regulus, sir," it replied before hurrying off.

It'll just help you tidy it up a bit.

You could also look into working on some finer details, such as the environment we're in, but the more you write the easier that'll come to you.

Hope this helps and I look forward to what comes next!

SiriusAura92
:D

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Review #15, by SiriusAura92Crimson Linings: PROLOGUE: Run, Little Girl.

12th September 2014:
Hey!
This was a really good read! I loved how dark you've already made the story and you've given us just enough to go on to give us an idea on what's happening (which I enjoy a lot!).

Your details in both environment and emotions are done incredibly well too.
Maybe we could have done with a bit of a physical description on the men chasing her to give us some recognition for them later... But that's me being really picky!

Really well done for this and I can't wait to read what happens next,

SiriusAura92
:)

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Review #16, by SiriusAura92Lily and Alice: Chapter 2: A Celebration and A Contest

15th August 2014:
Hey!
My advise for the last two chapters is pretty much the same for the prologue.
Only these chapters REALLY need a good coloring in with some details especially since you're introducing new characters to us.

There's also a feeling of being rushed. Not that you rushed in writing this but that we go from one scenario to the next within a flash. One second Frank's asking Alice out, the next we're half way through a joke that's interrupted by a Death Eater. Try to just take your time with things and let us know where we are first (unless you building tension) before you start getting into the meat of the scene. (Can you see what I'm saying?)

HOWEVER, like I've said before your writing has real potential (I wouldn't be posting if I thought it didn't).
There's little to no grammar mistakes that I can see, your idea is one I haven't seen before and is very interesting and you build relationships incredibly well. Everything between Frank and Alice and Lestrange and Alice (when the man turned out to be a Lestrange, I genuinely did gasp) I loved.

Trust me, once you start picking up details they start becoming second nature and it gets easier.

I'd recommend going over and updating these chapters again and just having a play around with them before going on much further. Again trust me, you'll be thankful of it later.

I really hope this helps (Sorry if I went on a bit. I think this is my longest review ever haha!) and definitely keep it up!
Best of luck!
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: I appreciate your feedback. I think you're right. I do need to re-work my chapters to add detail. I'm not sure when I'll get around to it, but I will do it at some point.
I tend to want to rush things and get to the meat of the story. I will work on that.

Thank you for your thoughtful review. So many people read stories without giving any feedback. You took the time to not only review, but to give meaningful feedback. Thank you!


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Review #17, by SiriusAura92Lily and Alice: Prologue: November 2, 1981

7th August 2014:
Hey!
This is a really nice intro!
I really like how you've already built a strong relationship between Alice and Lily already and, while I'm not usually a fan of showing the ending before telling the story, you've actually made quite an effective use of it (So well done for that!).

You would do well to add in a few more finer details/descriptions (Such as characters and environments). Once you get those down, it will triple the enjoyment of your already nicely done writing style.

Hope this helps!
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! It is so nice to get feedback. I'll work on being more descriptive. Thanks for the tip. I appreciate that you told me what you liked and what you didn't. This may sound weird, bit you're a very good reviewer.

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Review #18, by SiriusAura92The New Future: Making the Arrangements

28th July 2014:
Hi,

Considering this is your first Fic, you've not done a bad job!
The chapter started out quite strongly and the introduction of Arianna was really quite nice.

I think what you might want to look into is that you may have tried to put in a bit too much a bit too soon into a single chapter.

I'm not saying that having multiple plots is a bad thing (My main fic at the mo is full of them!) but you would definitely benefit from learning to focus a bit more on what your chapter's going to be about. (It did feel a bit unnatural when they just randomly stopped talking about their time-travelling mission to gossip about what happened at a party.)

I think you've got something good here though and your story has a lot of potential!
Keep it up!

Just remember to slow down a bit, take your time and let us enjoy meeting these new characters and the journey they're going on.

Hope this helps

Best of Luck,
SiriusAura92 :)

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Review #19, by SiriusAura92The Chosen One: The Unbreakable Vow

29th June 2014:
Hey,
Considering it's your first story, you've done a good job. I would strongly recommend adding in some more finer details such as Characteristics and the environment we're in.

I'd also suggest just sticking with the star border * when changing scene as opposed to just writing down where the scene is taking place.

Definitely keep it up and take the story to wherever you want, whether you put in one, two or ten stories! You're the author and the one in control.

Hope this helps,
SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I've had trouble trying to keep the star border on one line, and I've always had a hard time with descriptions/characteristics so I will definitely work on that. I really appreciate your review :)

Melissa


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Review #20, by SiriusAura92War by Moonlight: THE MISSING MUGGLE

12th May 2014:
I think you've got a really interesting start to your story. You write incredibly well (Though watch out for odd typo Eg Pork Chops) and add some really nice details to your environments as well.

I think you could've made more of the Prologue and maybe kept it going until Voldy did kill Scrimgeour but it was still a really nice piece of writing and a great way to open.

I'll definitely be back to find out what happens next.

Keep it up!
SiriusAura92

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Review #21, by SiriusAura92Foreign Affairs : Two Masters

16th April 2014:
Ah, the plot thickens.
I really found the first part of the chapter in particular really interesting. Though I can't decide whether he's talking to an Acromantular or if he's the spider equivalent to a Parsalmouth. Either way I really like how you built up Casimir in such a short span of time so well done!

Can't wait for your next installment!

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thanks for another insightful review, you always ask me the question that I find I most need to answer for myself. I think Casimir is my favorite character to write in this story, because he's dark and twisted. In answer to your question about his conversation, I think it's kind of both, but I left it a bit ambiguous because I haven't completely decided yet if he shares this affinity with all spiders or just the acromantula. I'm excited for my next installment too, because I honestly only have a hazy idea of what is going to happen in the next couple chapters. I'm just going to let it come to me.

Love always,

FawkesFelicis


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Review #22, by SiriusAura92Foreign Affairs : Mind Games

8th April 2014:
Another really good chapter.
In fact I think I prefer this cave scene to the last one as it feels a lot more personal to Draco than the last one did Hermione. (I'll have to go back and have a re-read of it though to make sure but that's what I get from first impressions.)

I really cannot wait to find out more about this cave and it's enchantments.
Well done again and looking forward to your next update!

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Well spotted! Yes, Draco's experience in the cave is much more dramatic and personal, care to guess why? My new chapter should be validated sometime today, and our heroes will have a moment to discuss this, but the mystery won't be solved just yet. Other things are stirring in this story right now. Thanks for sticking with me, your insight is always so valuable.

-FawkesFelicis


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Review #23, by SiriusAura92American Wizardry: An M.D.I. Wizardís Journey: Gathering the Team

9th March 2014:
I really enjoyed this!
I've always wandered what the Ministries of other countries did during the war against Voldemort.
It's written really well and beautifully detailed.

I maybe would've liked a bit more detail on his selected thirty but I'm guessing it's all in due course (It is only the first chapter).

I'll definitely be back when the next chapter's up!
Keep up the great work!

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

Details on some of the thirty will be available in the next chapter. :)

Thank you very much!
LEP:)


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Review #24, by SiriusAura92Liar: Prologue

7th March 2014:
This is a really nice little intro.
It sets the mood for what I suspect the rest of the story might be like, it fits the time nicely and you've already got me hoping this man makes it home.

Looking forward to reading on and can't wait to see how you mix the Wizarding world into things.

SiriusAura92
:)

Author's Response: Thank you!
I'm so glad! I was really worrying that I hadn't framed the time era correctly, or that my characters wouldn't be realistic enough, but I'm feeling very reassured now :)

I can assure you that I have a plan ;)

Thank you again for such a nice review :)
~JHWRJL


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Review #25, by SiriusAura92The Last Battle: Minerva McGonagall

6th March 2014:
Hey,
It's not a bad chapter but I feel as though you could've gone a lot further with it such as actually following her through the battle rather than ending it before.

Also, the spacing of the paragraphs kind of makes it look a bit messy.

But, like I said, it's not bad. It follows the book nicely and you've got a nice focus on Minerva's thoughts/feelings it just could've done with a bit more fleshing out.

Hope this helps
SiriusAura92

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