Reading Reviews From Member: flying without wings
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Review #1, by flying without wingsUnfortunately Fortuitous: Prologue

16th May 2012:
Hi! It's flying without wings from the forums, here with your requested review!

First off, I love your use of the second person, it really helps us to connect with Louis and feel part of the story, which I like!
The quality of your actual writing, the vocabulary, the phrasing, the flow; I think it works. It's very poetic, which is great, the only thing is it's quite hard to keep it like that while managing a plot at the same time, so that will probably be a challenge, but I'm sure you'll do fine!

You wanted to know about characterisation, and I think that yours is excellent. Louis feels very familiar, and his obvious love for his siter is very sweet and charming. I love the brother/sister relationship that Dominique and Louis have, I think it's wonderful and very realistic, and is such a nice break from the typical fanfiction stereotypes in which Dominique is 'Dom' and Louis is the typical protective brother. This way is far more believable and I think, less clumsy. I adore Louis' surprise when he hears that a 'young woman' has dropped a letter off for him, just adds that nice little, hopeful human touch to his character!

You also mentioned plot in your request, so I'll talk about that. There appears to be some kind of plot, but not huge amounts. I think this is fine, since it's a prologue, and what you've got is showing a great line, but I do think that a little more might just add another element of interest to the story. I like it fine as it is, but I think you just need to be careful not to overstep the 'Hi, I'm Louis and ... has happened to me so far' line, because in places it feels like a bit of an overload of information. Maybe hold some of it back and release it in later chapters, that way you can keep the reader guessing. Just personal opinion I suppose, not really urgent.

The only other thing I wanted to mention is Adrian. Who is he? I sort of assumed that he was Dominique's boyfriend or personal assistant, but maybe just a quick bracket specifying which one would stop any distractions from the actual storyline?

Overall, I really enjoyed it and think that this has got a lot of potential to become a very exciting story!

-Rosalind (flying without wings)

Author's Response: Hey there! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond!

Thanks! I had no idea about second person before I decided to write things using it on here, but it's kinda grown on me. It's quite fun, lol. I know! I wanted to see if it would work - it might do, it might not. Either way, it should be a fun challenge! :D

Thanks! I've read quite a few Victoire/Dominique/Louis-centric stories where Louis is a typical over-protective Weasley and while he is a Weasley, he's also half Delacour and I want to show that a bit more. Also, I'm so glad you like the bond between Dominique and Louis - it took me a while to get the feel of that right, because I didn't want it to be the normal kind of relationship between them, you know? Haha, thanks! Louis is a little bit hopeless with girls... as in, quite a lot. But that doesn't come up much ;)

Yeah, I know - I'm terrible at writing plot-centric stuff, hence this will be such a challenge for me. I'll definitely look over it and see if there's anything I could cut out - unfortunately there's not really anything more I can put in, in terms of plot - so thanks for mentioning that! I'll also bear it in mind when writing further chapters!

Adrian... Adrian's role in the story is a bit complicated, tbh. It's to do with something which I don't want to reveal yet, because it's not hugely relevant at this point. He's not really anything to her, as such, which is why I didn't put anything to describe him - he just kinda is, lol.

Thank you very much - I'm sorry my answers to some of your questions weren't very helpful! Your review was lovely and very helpful!

Aph xx

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