When I saw the title, I HAD to read this story! You have some funny lines in here; "I hope it doesn't make you get bloated" had me laughing out loud.
The paragraph in which you describe how Lily doesn't want to feel this way, but she loves James so much it's like a hole in her chest when she thinks about never seeing him again is very good.
Here's something that's a little fuzzy: Do the three friends know, or have a really good reason to very strongly suspect that James is being tricked or coerced into marriage? I have a hunch that this is what you have in mind, because otherwise the wedding-crasher plan would never work. You've established that Charlie has the scoop, and that he convinces Lily that Madison is tricking or blackmailing James, but what we don't see is HOW Charlie convinces Lily of this.
Speaking of Madison, the name pulls the characters out of time. This story is happening in the late 70's, when the name "Madison" for a young woman born in 1960 would have been virtually unknown. If you tell me the reason you chose "Madison," I can suggest a name that would be in keeping with the times.
Can't wait to see what kind of plans they are making!Author's Response: YAY! I'm glad you like the story and it made you laugh!
So to answer your question. Ginger and Charlie know something is definitely wrong because they are friends with Sirius. Sirius confines in them and that's how they come up with the whole idea of breaking up the wedding ;) So Charlie and Ginger believe him but that doesn't mean Lily will. But everything will be better explained in the next chapter!
I didn't really think much about the time frame when naming the bride to be, Madison. To be honest I actually googled stuck up names and that's one of them that popped up :/// But I will definitely PM you on HPFFF to see your suggestions. I was thinking of just sticking to a present day time period but I think I'm going to actually try doing a 70 theme kind of wedding! that sounds like fun :) Report Review
I'm enjoying this so far! I do have one thing to point out: She's a quidditch player. In a quidditch stadium. Exactly why is she CLIMBING to the 40th floor?
As I pointed out in your other story, marking pause points with punctuation marks would really take your writing up several levels, even if you don't change a single word.Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review :)
So the whole climbing the stairs thing is a rule of the stadium- only players and coaches are allowed to ride their brooms in the stadium. Because Lily is only an intern she isn't authorized. If you think about it, with all the people that could potentially be moving around that stadium, if everyone used a broom the air traffic would be rediculous, so people have to use the stairs.
As for the punctuation, I have a beta that's curently working with my first chapter, hopefully things will improve once I put in the beta'd version of each chapter :)
Thanks again for the feed back
-Liz Report Review
Ooo, evil, evil Bella! But of course, that's why everyone wants to read about her -- to enjoy her misdeeds!
Bella's personality really shines through in this story.
You can entirely transform the experience people have reading this chapter without changing a single word: just add punctuation marks in every place where a narrator or a character would pause when speaking these words. Suddenly your prose will flow freely and easily through their heads.Author's Response: Hi thanks for the review :)
So I'm glad that you like the way I write Bellatrix, she was just as fun to read as she was to write because well she's just so darn evil, even though she's really young in this fic.
So I never got this chapter beta'd I'll be sure to go through and edit in some commas soon :)
-Liz Report Review
When I saw your story was about Lucius at school, I had to read it! There hasn't been much action yet, but I'm interested in reading more. I thought I would point out a few things I noticed:
1. Several times you've misused words. I wonder if you've heard them somewhere but have misunderstood their meanings. Examples: Enticed, unpretentious, acknowledged, aimlessly.
2. "The lesser of cruel" is not an actual idiomatic expression. You won't be able to use "the lesser" in this particular context.
3. You say there is no comparison between Bellatrix and Narcissa, but then you do compare them and describe them as being remarkably similar.
4. The section you have labeled as a flashback seems like a dream rather than a memory. Did you mean to say that this section is a dream? Whether it's a dream or a memory, since this isn't a script, you should not label it. You can use words to set up the change in time (if it's a memory,) and if necessary, you can use dashes or stars to separate this section from the rest.
5. Why is the word "kind" enclosed in quotes? Was Narcissa's favor -- returning Lucius' book -- in some way unkind or insincere?
6. Pick a tense! You switch between past and present, sometimes within the same sentence!
7. Don't rely on your spell-checker. You have a few mistakes that are probably typos, but your computer can't help you with them. For example, Lucius can't BEAR to ignore the light. Getting BARE would not help him to ignore it! (Plus it would make him cold.)
8. You describe James' sorting, but what about the person who will be far more important to Lucius in the future: Severus Snape?
Normally I don't go into this kind of detail, but I saw that you were looking for reviews, so I thought I would be more thorough. Will read more!Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to reviewing my chapter.
This chapter is currently going though some revisions ^_^ The things that you pointed out will be changed soon ^_^
What I had wanted to come out of this scene was how Lucius wasn't appreciative of her gesture...I think I needed to work more on developing this part of the story. Report Review
This a great story! It's so hard to put all of those elements into the challenge, and you came up with such a wonderful idea! If it's true that it's over the word count, please shorten so that we can submit it as the Slytherin entry! (I don't even know how to vote for it, but I would!)Author's Response: Angelique,
THANK YOU! I'm so happy that you liked it. Truly, you put a smile on my face. :) I had fun trying to fit all those prompts in there. Tee hee.
The word count of the story is actually 2497 (3 words to spare. LOL!). The rest is from the top Author Notes, which they will not count. So, it's good to go!
The answer on voting is in our House Forum.
Thanks so much! Go Slytherin! Yippie!
Dark Whisper Report Review
You are now one of my favorite authors! This was just perfect! I absolutely love it!
Poor Seamus! (I love Seamus.) And a totally realistic Malfoy ending. 10 out of 10! Report Review
I enjoyed this very much! What a great idea: a squib who will teach Muggle Studies! I also like the fact that the made it through part of the year a Hogwarts by doing well at subjects that don't require a wand. I wonder what Dumbledore would have said to her? I hope you address that!
One important note: I found it jarring for Linda's father to storm out without word to her. I actually thought he was going to leave the school and leave her behind! If he's going to storm out, he should shout for her join him. You can think of some reason for her to remain behind for a moment so that Umbridge can deliver her last zinger.
Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: You know something? You're absolutely right! Your note was so good and really helpful. I couldn't agree more. I'm actually going to have to go back and change that. All of your comments and notes were so helpful to me! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave such a smart review! Report Review
Just a few notes:
The "Marauders" name was a secret between the four friends, as were their animagi-themed code names.
During that time period, no one would even think, much less say, "whatever."
She didn't want to find out if James was UNclothed in that manner! If he's naked, he's not "clothed" in any way!
James wasn't particularly tall; Sirius was taller.
Peter actually had many good qualities, which is why no one suspected him of treachery.
I hope you don't think I didn't like your chapter; I did! These are relatively minor things compared to your overall story.Author's Response: Thanks for the notes! I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I will probably change a few things that you suggested, as they are all very good points.
Thanks for reading! Report Review
LOVE the Neville line!
And fun with Crabbe and Goyle! Very good!
You may want to make a note that you're following movie canon, not book canon.Author's Response: Yes I sort of wanted to mix the two up and make this story. Like I said it was my first ever! So I did everything insane! Soo sorry everyone! I'm glad you liked it :) Report Review
Okay, this one DID get confusing! Hermione is simply behaving too differently from the character created by JKR. And I'm not talking about her insults to Malfoy; that's just a stretch of the character. I think that the LAST thing she would've done in the Draco-protecting-her situation would be to ridicule him. She might have kept her surprise to herself; she might have confronted him about it; she might have softened her attitude toward him; she might be angrier than ever about his contradictions. But whatever she felt, she would have questioned, not attacked.
Once Lucius appeared, the action was hard to follow.
Great Ron dialogue! And good scene at the very beginning, when she's trying to find Draco.Author's Response: I know! I really didn't like the fact that I made Hermione attack Lucius but I don't know why, I couldn't change it either. I wanted to keep it. And the Draco-protecting-her situation. Another similar situation. I know, I'm learning :) Thanks for the review love. I need to work on a lot of things :) Report Review
Okay, THIS story is perfectly clear! I know exactly what's going on and how Hermione is feeling. I think this one is great!Author's Response: Awww thanks love. :) This was my first ever story so I was a bit nervous. Thanks :) Report Review
Okay, now I see why you're concerned about confusing people! You make your readers hunt reread for information that you might not even have included. For example:
How old are Helena and Willoughby in this prologue? You mention the age of ten for Willoughby, but I wasn't sure if that was a mistake. If he's ten, what is he doing at Hogwarts? Helena isn't a student; is this because she's too young, too old, or for some other reason?
Is "Princess" an affectionate family nickname that Helena doesn't want the students to adopt? Or is it a mean nickname given to her by the students?
You should address the contradiction between Helena's wish for normal friendships and the imperious manner in which she treats Willoughby. I'm not saying this is a bad thing; I'm saying that you should let your readers know that this is actual hypocrisy rather than an oversight on your part.
Now for the good stuff: The entire Grey Lady/Bloody Baron topic is a fantastic idea. I like the idea that Helena grew up at Hogwarts. I also like the idea that the two met as children, if that's indeed what happened. I'm looking forward to finding out what happens next.
A few vital notes:
"Alright" is all wrong. The phrase is "all right." Always.
NO BLUSHING. It's way overused. Way way WAY overused. Did I mention that it's overused? Peole simply do not go around blushing all the time, even pale-skinned people. Even people with blushing problems. Save it for a time when it's important to the plot. And then reconsider.Author's Response: See? :9 This is the issue. Helena's ten and Will is in the second year. She's not because she's still . Helena is called Princess because she's one of the founders' daughters. Ravenclaw's daughter actually. So that's why. She's adored and respected by all students.
The blushing part was I think because I blush a lot. And when I say a lot I mean a lot! So I tend to make m characters blush a lot. Sorry. Must stop that.
Thank you so much for doing this for me. Totally unexpected. I love getting criticized! Thanks *hugs* Report Review
Finally! A story in which Scorpius is not nice! Interesting start. I must point something out to you. The following sentence doesn't mean what you intend:
"I’m sure Astoria has no wish for Scorpius to be so far from home, as I did when Draco was that age.”
I know you intend for Narcissa to say that she didn't want Draco to go to school in another country, but what you've written is that Narcissa DID want Draco to be far from home.
I suggest breaking this thought into two sentences:
"I’m sure Astoria has no wish for Scorpius to be so far from home. I felt the same when Draco was that age.”Author's Response: Aha, I was sat there for ages trying to work it out, but I understand now, I'll change that then. Just to warn you, he becomes a LITTLE bit nicer in the third chapter (I think it's that one :s) but he does go back to being mean again later so if you read it, don't be too disappointed! Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Very interesting premise for your story! I'm not signed up as an official beta person, but you can bounce ideas off me by messaging me in the forums. Same name as here: Angelique Aspis. Report Review
Oh, no! I've reached the end of what you've written so far! Now I'll have to wait for a new chapter. I have to say I'm stumped about where Draco and Hermione will go from here. I hope you're writing as we speak!Author's Response: Angelique,
Well, you have really surprised me at all of your repeated, wonderful reviews. Each one is so important to me. You went out of your way to read so very much, as my story is now very long. Thank you so much for doing such a sweet thing for me.
I have been writing the next chapter, but it is not ready yet. I'll be working on it this week and hopefully it will be ready by the time the queue re-opens again.
I have a lot planned and the book's magic will appear again as well as it will become very important during the war.
Thanks again for all of your kind words. I shall see you again on the forums and in the Archives.
Dark Whisper Report Review
Very, very romantic! And sad :( But in a good way :)Author's Response: Angelique,
Ah, Dramione romance! Certainly my absolute FAVORITE. These two can be written in so many ways it is not possible to count. :)
This particular chapter is romantic... with his letter and all that he revealed. Sad indeed.
Her three kisses from under the courtyard were returned here in this chapter by his vault.
I'm so glad you liked it! Thank you so much for telling me. Thank you!
Dark Whisper Report Review
Great idea about the magical art event, and about giving Pansy an interest!Author's Response: Angelique,
Oh, I'm so glad you like the art event idea. I wanted something different and unique and fun that would reveal a lot, but in a mysterious way.
Pansy? So many people hate her and probably wanted a dramatic fight between them. But I really wanted Draco to be 'better than that' and be smart about when and how their breakup would happen. He might've broken her heart a little, but I wanted a kind breakup... one that Pansy would remember forever and REGRET what she did to him.
Thank you so much!
Dark Whisper Report Review
A most excellent chapter! Ten out of ten! You know what's so special about this chapter? A realistic Hermione. That's so rare! Her serious talk with Draco was great. She was totally believable, which she rarely is in fan fics. I liked Draco's backstories, too. I think you can tighten up the table tennis scene; it's really running from Filch that matters. And really nice scene with Draco and Blaise, too.Author's Response: Angelique,
Ah, thank you so much for your 10/10 for this important chapter.
A realistic Hermione? Thank you! Yes, this conversation about her true feelings with her parents and her lonliness and how she feels she must lie to them, which she hates doing is really expressing what is really inside her.
I think sometimes people believe she is 'super woman' - brave and stong about everything. But I see something else. I think even the most confident people have issues deep within, even if they hide it well.
I think part of JKR's brilliance is having these four main characters with completely different kinds of parents, which really shapes who they are (or will become).
In Draco's backstories, I wanted to basically explain how it is he got to be... his thoughts, his abuse beyond normal, but not fully evil, which is how he can stay loyal to them.
The tennis, yes, I agree that did go a tad too long, but I honestly tried to think of something fun they could do and that is all I came up with. LOL! I may shorten that piece later.
Draco and Blaise will be coming up shortly again. We'll have to see what happens with that.
Thanks so much for this lovely review. It was a true compliment and I thank you so much...
Dark Whisper Report Review
Great story! I thought for sure Neville would be friends with Draco, but then there was another twist!Author's Response: Thank you! I considered making him befriend Draco, but figured their dispositions were way too different.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
This is a WONDERFUL chapter! I love the "triple kiss" scene, and the ending? Triple "Aw.!"Author's Response: Angelique,
Awe... I'm so glad that you liked this little triple kiss of hers. It was a sweet moment for them and a good memory for him to hold dearly.
Her triple kiss from this chapter is VERY important in chapter 17. *hints & winks*
I cannot tell you how you pleasantly surprised me with multiple reviews. It is lovely to hear your thoughts on my story and I appreciate them so much.
Dark Whisper Report Review
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the graffiti wall, and its special place, and the fact that there are places on the grounds that the Mauraders and Harry don't know about, places important to Slytherins. (Love the little snake!) What a cliff-hanger, with Draco about to tell Hermione about that ill-fated Christmas. Will he reveal everything Abraxas told him about the future? (And Hermione was funny with that Scrooge comment!)Author's Response: Angelique,
Ah the graffiti wall... I am so glad that you liked it. *smiles*
I really wanted a place that Mauraders wouldn't know about. I mean... if I remember right, even Dumbledore said there were mysteries and things about the castle that even he didn't know about.
And I'm happy to read that you liked the little snake. He was so cute to write and I wanted a little magical detail to make the place a bit of fun.
It truly was a cliff-hanger and I'm glad that you feel that it worked. As far as Hermione's comment, I wanted to be a bit realistic in her response to his dream.
Angelique, thank you so much for this review. It is so much appreciated!
Dark Whisper Report Review
More insights into the mind of Malfoy! It seems like the other reviewers feel badly for Astoria, but I don't! I mean, just who was unfaithful to whom?
I know you wrote this a while ago, but in case you're going back for another edit, here's something you may want to change: Draco would not recognize Bill and Charlie. He would probably correctly guess that those two redheads were brothers or cousins, but a narrative from his point of view would not include those names.
I've actually read further ahead and am enjoying this story, but I wanted to leave the Bill/Charlie comment.Author's Response: Angelique,
Very pretty name by the way...
No sympathy for Astoria? LOL! While I agree with you as she was unfaithful, I think people feel sorry for her because she really had tried and his heart just couldn't love her. But I see your point. :)
Thanks for telling me about Bill and Charlie. I shall consider that in a future edit.
Dark Whisper Report Review
Oh, great. You made me cry. But I don't mind, because I'm really enjoying this story. Your reason for Draco's black suits is very inventive! (He does look good in them, doesn't he?) And I think Draco's fascination with Hermione in your story is very realistic. (So many Dramione stories are not.) On to the next chapter (dot)(dot)(dot) (Did you know you can't put a series of dots in these reviews?)Author's Response: Angelique,
Wow. What a pleasant surprise to see you on the Archive to write a review.
I am doing cartwheels right now because you are my 400th Review for my story! Woot! Woot! Pardon me while I dance a jig in my living room. Yippie! XD
Okay... my apologies for that brief embarrassing celebration. It couldn't be helped. LOL!
He does look good in those black suits and I'm glad you liked my little explanation of how it all started. It seemed to fit with my Stella story. :)
His reason for wanting Hermione actually becomes quite realistic as this story moves on. I hope you like it.
And the dots... well, they work but only if you do three in a row. More than that and it defaults to one. Strange, I know.
Thank you so much for seeking out my stories. I'm surprised you picked the longest one! Great to hear from you!
Thanks so much,
Interesting how Rose got her job. Can't wait to read the next part!Author's Response: Thanks. It was a little back-story heavy but I'm glad you thought it was interesting. Report Review
You know what? I marked this story as a favorite before I even read the first part because it looked so interesting. And I was right! Great start! I'm very interested in what happens next. or rather, what happened in the past. I already hate that government guy.
Typo (I assume your spell-checker did it): It's "advance" copy, not "advanced."Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad the story caught your eye before you even read it. Hopefully it lives up to the summary. And I just did a quick edit and fixed a few typos. Thanks for pointing that one out. Report Review
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