Hello! Here with your first prize review! :D
I was going through your Author's Page, trying to decide what to review and the story summary made me curious. =] Besides your banner is VERY pretty. I loved it! ;)
Nala? Is it taken from The Lion King? Well, I haven't heard it anywhere else and I love ALL the names in the movies... Nala, Kiara, Simba even Scar. They're so clever aren't they? This story had variety of names too and they fitted well here and there. But I didn't understand your intention behind the different nicknames... why Kit and Mili? Childhood pronounciations of their original names maybe?
I thought the flow was a bit slow and you described too much. I'm the kind of person who likes "short but sweet" things and my chapters are always short. So maybe that's why I thought this was too long. And I know that I'm the only person on the site who hates descriptions so don't mind. It's just an opinion. :) But still you could cut off some unnecessary detail.
Otherwise this was an enjoyable chapter. The grammar and spelling was good. =]
Ashwini Report Review
Hello! Here from Review Tag 3.0!
First of all, I want to give you a big hug for writing a story about Padma. I have a thing for minor and kinda ignored characters and being an Indian myself, I have a soft corner for the Patil twins. =]
Malfoy! Haha it's funny that you've written a story about a character I like and a character I don't like at all isn't it?. :P Anyways you have written well and good. Your plot is original and I didn't spot any grammar error. The flow looks good too.
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hello!
Aw, minor characters are my favourite, and Padma was so fun to write about! I can see myself writing about her again some time in the future!
Draco...he's normally someone I'd never consider writing about, but he was on the list of antagonists for the challenge and it fit in here. But if you don't like him, hopefully he works as the antagonist here!
Thanks for a great review!
Sian :) Report Review
Zacharias Smith! That was really good! I mean, I had thought it might be him, but him tracking for the hallows and joining the DA for it is something I've NEVER imagined. Actually, it makes sense. We always wonder why Zacharias had joined DA. And did Rowling tell us Zach was heir of Helga Hufflepuff? Coz that isn't ringing a bell. But it's a cool idea. Good job. =] What about the Peverell Society? Was it a trap or something?
Go Rose! Let's see what happens in the epilogue. I hope no one dies and everything becomes normal.
Loving your story! Please update tomorrow? ;)
Ashwini Report Review
Hello! Here from review tag 3.0! :)
This looks like a promising fic. The introduction of the characters, scenes and the overall situation was nice. You're not getting into the plot in a hurry, which is good. I think the upcoming chapters would be interesting than this. =]
I loved your OC's name. It's really cool- Evangeline Nightingale Feather-! But I think you need to work on her a bit. She is just eleven and her thoughts seem more like a teenager's. Kinda mature you know. Besides, the actress you chose is much much older. She seems like she's over fifteen.
I liked the way you write this and the grammar is good too, but there are some typos throughout the chapter. Like you sometimes don't capitalize the first letter of the first word of a sentence.
But it was a nice read overall! Good job! :D
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Thanks for your likeness towards the story.
I know that her thinking is mature than her age but the circumstances or should I say her past had done that to her. The cause or reason for that would be told soon and there would be hints of that in next few chapters.
Thanks for your review :D Report Review
Bellatrix! Did I tell you that you write her amazingly? She's so cruel and cold and she gives me the chills. It's hard to write a villain for me, so I might get inspired by your characterization of Bella. :)
Aah, finally Frank and Alice are not arguing. They're so perfect together aren't they? Author's Response: Awww I'm so happy you like Bellatrix in this! And I hope you're able to get inspired by her!
I have a trick I use with her that may or may not help, but i'll tell you anyway in case it does. In my head, Bellatrix bears a lot of similarities to a very battered spouse, with Voldemort being the abuser. Now, obviously there's plenty of huge differences, like the fact that she really is insane. But her attitude, her willingness to do anything for Voldemort, to always come back to him no matter what he does to her - and not because she's afraid of him, but because she needs his approval - is just what I connect that to. If you ever want to use that mentality to try and write her, feel free! It really helped me for some reason, haha!
Wow, sorry to ramble so much. But I'm so happy you liked this chapter, and yes, I totally agree that Alice and Frank are perfect together ♥
Hi Jami! Sorry for not reviewing all the chapters! I wanted to, but I wanted to keep up with the updates. The chapters are quite long so it took me weeks to be here to read the 29th. =] Anyways, from now on, I'll definitely review the upcoming chapters.
I really enjoyed the story so far. You are sticking with canon but you are applying your own ideas as well. The combination is nice. :) I really like Belle now. She's so right for Sirius! Oh and I also liked the Lily being a Healer thing. =]
Waiting for updates!!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hi Ashwini! No! Really, I'd rather you do what you did. I want you to actually enjoy reading and not feel like you have to stop every chapter and review, and I'm so honored that you spent the time getting caught up!!
The chapters are SO long. I have problems. haha. I just get so carried away :P.
I'm so happy you like Belle. I know she wasn't a lot of people's favorite at first, so it makes me really excited that after you've gotten to know her a bit more you like her ♥
Thank you so much for taking the time to get caught up and I can't tell you how much it means to me that you enjoyed it enough to continue reading. This review was the best thing to wake up to. You've absolutely made my week. thank you ♥ And I can't wait to see you on Saturday!
(Ps. I'm still in love with your name. haha). Report Review
Hey! Just a note to tell you that I'm reading your story now. =] It's long and interesting so I might not be able to review each and every chapter, but I'll definitely leave reviews for interesting or special chapters.
I liked that you're telling Tori's story from her own PoV. Her characterization has been done really well. She's a bit hatable, but no doubt Hogwarts talks about her so much. She's so different from the Hogwarts population.
I liked Charlie too, but in a different way. I like that she's so shy around people and prefers books. I'm a bit like her, but I'm more social. =]
Your plot is very original. Now I look forward to the connection between the two stories you're telling us. By the way, the idea of a party at the Black Lake is amazing. ;)
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hey there! Yay! You're reading my story! *happy dance*
Thanks so much for the review, I hope to hear from you again!
Courtney:) Report Review
Just a couple of chapters! :O And then the story would be finished? =[ Anyways I'm glad I can't wait to see what happens next and who is doing everything.
Lovely chapter as always! =] Report Review
Hi! Here from the Ravenclaw review battle! =]
I loved your plot idea. Next-gen kids pretending to be marauders is something I haven't read anywhere. I think this could be developed in something longer, but the one-shot is pretty awesome too. I liked your dialogue too. It's very natural. I think some more descriptions would certainly improve this. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: thank you so much for your awesome review- i'll be sure to add more descriptions when i go back and edit this :)
i have chosen to leave this as a one-shot, but my longer fic, Werewolf's Trace is a continuation of this story (but 4 years later) and follows the stories of Dom, James, Roxy, Freddie, and their friends.
Feel free to check it out and let me know what you think!
again, thanks for your review, and i'm glad you like the story :)
~M Report Review
Hi! Here from the review tag 3.0! =]
I've never read 2nd person PoV before so I decided to read and review this one. And the main thing is, you aren't using the 2nd person PoV because you like to write it, you're using it because it suits the plot. The pov makes it even better. =]
I was a bit confused at the beginning and thought that you're talking about Molly the original, but I went back to your summary and it made things clear. I liked your plot idea. The grammar looks good and the flow is nice too. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Yay! You gave my little piddly story some love! I'm glad you thought that the 2nd person POV was fitting. It's always a little nerve-wracking to post such a story as it isn't often done but I'm glad you liked it.
Yay for flow too! I deliberately made it more jerky than normal, just because I wanted to so I'm glad it worked. Glad you also became un-confuzzled about which Molly I was talking about :P
Char Report Review
Hi! I'm here to review your entry for my challenge. =]
I liked your plot idea. Umbridge is certainly a perfect character for the emotion you got. The choosing of characters was perfect =] Your flow looks good and the grammar was good too.
I think you need to work on this story overall a bit. I'll say that you should write a description of why Umbridge hates everything and everyone so much instead of writing her opinions about the things and people she hates. There must be a reason, don't you think so? If you could explore it, it'd be nice. =]
Your title is- Pink: The Colour of Hatred but you aren't quite describing why pink is the colour of hatred. Either you should write a bit about the relation between the colour and the emotion or you can think about a different title.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this. =] Well done! Oh and thanks for your participation in the Single Emotion Challenge!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Thanks for responding! I do agree that more is needed with this one and I do intend to elaborate more. The only reason I did not originally go into more detail is because the story that I am holding in my head that contains the "Why" for Umbridge's hate would not fit into the hate emotion and thus would go beyond the single emotion. I invite you to check back in a couple weeks or so to read more when I get the time to go back and add more! Thanks for the fun challenge! Report Review
Hi! I'm here to review the entry for my challenge. =]
I liked the idea of this story. A person going away from everything they love here happily is something I've never read here. The happiness was nicely written, though it had a touch of sadness to it. I loved your descriptions too- they were beautifully written.
Oh, the ending!! =[ It breaks my heart to see poor James... He wants to save her and he can't- that's so sad. The idea of the sun setting down was a clever one.
But I thought that your last few paragraphs can be a bit better. You've described your OC's emotions in the first few paragraphs perfectly, but you are not giving enough time to James I think. I couldn't understand why he was laughing and bouncing with her a minute before and then he was crying? I think that you could give a touch of sadness to James before the crying part. I also thought that "I tell him I love him" should be replaced by a dialogue like "I love you," I whispered etc. =]
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this. Well done! =] Oh and thanks for your participation in the Single Emotion Challenge. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hi Ashwini!!!
Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you liked it. I've never read anything similar as well, so it was something that I wanted to definitely write sometime, and your challenge was just the perfect opportunity!!
Thank you so much for your CC!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I actually wrote this quite last minute, so i wasn't really concerned about making it perfect, as to getting it in as soon as I could. But thank you so much!!! Now that I read it, I myself can see that the second half of it needs some work ;)
I will definitely use your advice, and improve it very soon :) Thank you for such a great challenge!!! I really enjoyed it :D
Thank you for the challenge, and for such a lovely and helpful review :)
- Abhi Report Review
Hi! Here from review tag.
I read and reviewed Ending It a while ago and I had really enjoyed it. I hadn't even thought that Victoire would know about their relationship until I read this, but yeah, this seems realistic. I liked Victoire's reaction to the letter. Dominique was very very nice , I loved her. Teddy- I admit that I didn't like him. He's kind of cheated both of them you know.
Anyways a nice read. Enjoyed it. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am glad you enjoyed Ending It, as well as this one. I am pleased that you think this was realistic. I tried to make Victoire's reaction as strong as I could so it's great you liked it. It's great to hear you liked Dom as well. Teddy wasn't meant to be likeable here really, he was a bit of a prat indeed xP
Thank you! Report Review
Hi! From review tag 3.0! :)
This was short but sweet, I'll say. You've potrayed Draco's whole life perfectly in just a few words. The bits about Astoria were my favorite, though I enjoyed it all. =] Your Bellatrix was amazing too. All her cruelty was reflecting through the paragraph.
Good job! Keep writing! =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hello!
I love Bellatrix's character so much, so I am glad that you think I did her justice! And thank you for all your other wonderful compliments! They seriously mean a lot! Report Review
I was hoping until the last sentence that he'd change his mind and choose Beth. I know that it's impossible if you're staying canon, but I just feel like it. Well, thinking practically, this was a sort of perfect ending.
I really loved the story- all 34 chapters. Author's Response: Oh, now... he couldn't do that, could he? There are two more books to go! :) As far as staying canon, just remember that Beth's got a lot of impact on the Marauders canon. Things that were once true may not be true now that she's present. And that's all I'll say on that front! ♥
I'm so glad you loved this story, and I loved watching you reading it. Your comments and responses never, ever failed to make my day. :3 Thank you so much, and I really hope you make it to ITR and enjoy that book just as much! Report Review
HOW? Just how? I don't get it. Why his patronous is still a does? Rachel, and why DID you let Beth know?
=[ Aww. I feel so bad for her.
Haha, you see? I've read so many chapters in a go without taking time to review them! Anyway now excuse me coz I'm determined to finish this today. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Don't lose hope! I promise all will be revealed in ITR -- the issue of the patronus returns. ;) Beth knows about it for a singular reason, as well, which of course you know by now.
Honestly, don't feel obligated to review every chapter. I always say that, but I want people to know I truly mean it! ♥ Thank you so much for reviewing and letting me know how much you're enjoying the story! Report Review
Just to be a little faster, I've decided to review on two chapters at one time. I mean, right now I'm leaving a review for chapter 24 and 25. Sorry for doing this Rachel, but I have 10 chapters of ITB and then the whole ITR... and I'm a slow reader. My eyes hurt if I read too much on Computer. =[
OMG. Why did Beth say sorry?? It wasn't her fault!! Aah...love! *sighs* Anyways, I'm glad they've forgiven each other. :D
As for this chapter... this is kind of bittersweet. =] Sirius is trying to be happy for James and Lily, but it looks like he's not doing it. He's jealous... or something I guess. =[ Poor Sirius, he's never been perfectly happy. But I love James/Lily. They're made for each other! Author's Response: Absolutely no apologies are necessary, Ashwini, seriously. You were never obligated to review this story in the first place, and I have no problem with reviews every few chapters! I sympathize with the aching eyes, too. ♥
I feel like Beth apologized because I would apologize in her shoes. :P I'll apologize for EVERYTHING. But you're very right in that this is a rather bittersweet chapter, and you know, there's a lot of bittersweet coming up. There's quite a lot of darkness in ITR especially! Sirius has a lot more emotional conflict coming his way...
Thank you so much for reviewing! It always makes me so happy to know you've returned, no matter how often you do it. You're awesome! Report Review
Belle! She's one of my favorite characters from Before They Fall. :D
Hmm... Nothing related to the mystery in this one too. =[ I'm so curious that I wish that I would've begun to read this after you've marked it completed! ;) How many chapters do we have left now?? Please please please keep updating!! I'll give you cookies! :) Sad for Penelope though.
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hey there! I'm happy you liked my mention of Belle! I love her as well! Jchrissy is amazingly talented like that!
This story will be 15 chapters in total. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Every mystery needs a touch of romance to it, so I liked this chapter. I don't know why Rose's not getting that she's head over heels in love with Scorpius. =[
Nothing related to the mystery plot happened in this one, so /i'm curious about the next!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Well, nothing worth having in life is easily obtainable and love I believe is one of those things! She'll come around... I hope :)
Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Oh my god. That's all I can say right now. This story and the mystery is so awesome that I want to read chapter 11 right away and I'm forcing myself to type this words. The Order is still there? Whoa.
Anyway, just a note to tell you that you're awesome.
Just one thing- Rose calls "Harry" and sometimes "Uncle Harry."
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Haha! Thank you so much! It means a lot!
As for your mentions on Rose and Harry/Uncle Harry, it's something I do as well. I call my uncles by their names and when I'm talking about them with somebody I call them Uncle. Report Review
I've never read anything like this until now, so this was kind of new genre to me, but still I enjoyed it. :) I liked the way you wrote the office chit chat and even the descriptions were nice. Though I thought I would've enjoyed this even more in past tense. Don't worry about it by the way, I personally don't fancy present tense that's it. I just told you my opinion. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Hi!
I'm glad you enjoyed it even if it isn't the sort of thing you normally read. Sometimes it is nice to try something new :)
I did begin writing this story in past tense, and usually all my stories are in past tense, but this one seemed to flow better for me writing in present. I thought it kind of reflecting the idea of living in the moment.
Thanks very much for the review!
nott theodore :) Report Review
No, no! The Elder Wand's in danger!!!
Haha, it sounds like I'm present at the scene doesn't it? :P But I love mysteries and I go mad while reading or watching them. That's why I'm not reviewing some of the middle chapter... hope you don't mind! I'm curious!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: If you can see yourself at the scene, I've done my job right! :)
I'm happy you liked this! Thank you for the comment! Report Review
I feel like I'm watching the magical version of Crime Patrol (an Indian tv show where cops investigate cases like this =]). So many clues and the mystery...
Now I'm sure there'd be some revelations after Rose's arrival.
AshwiniAuthor's Response: You probably know this by now, but Rose will bring both answers and more questions. :D Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
I felt like I was slapped on face, when you said the wand was Parvati's. ;) She's just a dear simple character for me.
Hmm, duplicate wands? I think so because Parvati has her own with her. By the way, I can smell something related to Harry... Dedaulus was one of the few wizards he'd seen before he went to Hogwarts, he took Parvati to Yule Ball and now Hestia took the Dursleys to a safe place.
Going to Hogsmead to see what's happened to Hestia now!
AshwiniAuthor's Response: By this point you already know that something leads to Harry, it's always him, poor soul. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Wow, I love this mystery! :D I'm not going to say much as I'm curious why on earth would Parvati do such a thing, but just a note to tell you I enjoyed this. =]
AshwiniAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
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