I am annoyed. This is annoying. Not you, or the writing or anything, I mean I am actually annoyed right now that this stupid bloke doesn't just TELL FRED WHERE HE IS AND HOW TO GET TO THE NEXT STEP.
Sorry, I feel a bit better now that I've gotten that you, though. Really though, you absolutely did your job with this purgatory/limbo sort of place and creating the combination of frustration, fear, and down right anger. I was getting so fed up with the Fred/George but not Fred/George thing answering every question with a question. I mean, this boy has suffered enough. Though I suppose he doesn't even realize he's suffered because he doesn't remember what happened or anything he left behind...
Good god. You're giving me a seriously mind twist over here. In the best way possible, because I love when stories twist me up and make me really think. The fact that you managed to tell this in such a state of confusion, but still narrating it clearly, is so awesome. I've seen a lot of times when people try and get across this sort of extreme unknowing, it almost comes across as sloppy writing that hasn't been given enough care into what it's trying to say. But this.. my gosh. You writing is gorgeous like always, but more than that you know what you want to say and you say that clearly. You leave the character confused and the reader confused because Fred feels that way, not because of your writing. And that's such an awesome talent.
You took us back into these small memories of Fred's, though I suppose they aren't even so much memories because he still barely remembers a thing, in a really smooth transition in and out of the fog. I think keeping Forge in there, calling out while Fred is inside the sort of memory, was the perfect touch to tie them all together. In my head I have this really awesome visual of him going through these but still surrounded by the fog and a Forge off in the distance.
I promised myself I would make your review a million times more intelligible than my responses to your reviews, but now I'm blabbing on trying to get across how much I love this.
I'm excited to read the new chapter two. I hope when you rewrite it and switch the order, you'll PM me so I can come back and read all four in the new order!
As always, gorgeous job you amazing author, you.
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: JAMI ♥
Your review has pretty much PUREED ME GAH ♥ Honestly, all your lovely compliments mean so much to me you have no idea, so thank you so so much!
Yup, this chapter is definitely meant to be a bit of a mindtwist. It's because the story got out of hand - I mean originally this whole thing was just meant to be a quiet drama (with grief and all that) about the Weasley family post-Battle dealing with Fred's death and all...but somehow, aahh, something happened to the story :P And now I've begun writing Limbo.
That weird annoying Forge character that makes everyone want to push off a cliff is sort of inside Fred's head, and is /probably/ an extension of Fred's personality, and of his lost self. Hope this makes sense :P
And all those memories, they're kind of wrong. I mean, they're essentially right (the Weasleys did go to Egypt for a holiday and all) but they've been warped, whether through his sudden shocking death wiping out all traces of his earthly existence, or by something else. At any rate, whatever poor dead Fred is experiencing is certainly more than just regaining his memories and all :P
If all that sounds confusing to you, it's my fault :P I'm really experimenting with things and ideas in this fic, and hopefully some of them will work :)
Thank you for this amazing review, Jami! Of course it's intelligible! And I'm so excited that you're excited to see the changes ^.^ It will be some a few weeks before I get down to changing stuff, but I'll let you know! Thanks again *hugs*
teh ♥ Report Review
I don't even know what to do with Tori in this chapter. I seriously don't.
She's still terrible. She's using James and I don't think she even knows why anymore. She wants to prove she's the best, the most popular, by hanging on to him then breaking up with him. But it's making her miserable.
And she's seriously messing around with people's lives. And Albus! I'm quickly getting more and more angry with him. He has no right to do this behind his brother's back, and they all just need to be put in time out! Haha!
When she told James about what she was before their incident at the start of the year, I honestly didn't believe her. There were parts in this chapter where I felt so bad for her for being with him when she seemed so miserable, but then I remembered that it's HER fault and ugh! Courtney, you're making me so frustrated at a fictional character! Haha!
I loved seeing a glimpse at the Potter's life! It counteracted what I said in the last chapter about feeling sad that they weren't picking Charlie and James up. And NOW I know why Albus made the comment about James not inviting her over for Christmas when he'd invited Tori over the year before. Why didn't he!? I wish he had. It would have been a much better dinner and holiday than the Tori filled one, haha.
That dinner scene. I couldn't figure out which one of them I was more annoyed at. That was a disaster. Poor Harry and Ginny, haha. The mention of floor and Ginny's joke was hilarious, though.
And now she's puking. That really, really isn't good. I'm thinking things are going to get a lot worse from her here on out.
Have you ever heard the Walter Scott quote, 'What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive?' I think that quote is basically Tori's motto. hahah.
Awesome chapter, lovely!Author's Response: I definitely think you're right when you say that Tori doesn't even know why she's with James anymore - I think she's so used to being manipulative and twisting people around her little finger that she doesn't know how to stop.
i really enjoyed writing Lily, Harry and Ginny into the story, even if it was just for a chapter. The dinner scene was great to write! Tori really is a scheming little...witch, to put it politely and in 12+ terms.
I have not heard that quote but that definitely seems to suit Tori!
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
Courtney:) Report Review
Okay I actually have a huge love for Charlieís lists. Haha. Theyíre fun. Sheís such a sweet girl, and watching her and James together feels so cute. A million times more natural than him and Tori, thatís for sure. I really liked the way she was embarrassed by Fredís comments, also. You do an awesome job keeping her character consistent!
Those badges are so ridiculous. I would be tempted to start ripping them off of people if I was Charlie.
Oh the scene in the classroom is steamy! See, I like that he still does stuff like this and doesnít totally change now that heís with a new girl. Though itís clear things wonít go nearly as fast as they did with Tori.
The train ride back is, for the most part, adorable. Obviously there was that moment of tension with Albus, but I still canít feel too terrible for them. I hate what he did to James, but at the same time itís understandable how it probably felt to have Tori coming onto him. ugh. I donít know. Iím all torn between if Iím angry at Albus or angry at James for still being angry at Albus and why do you have to make me care about these characters so much?! Haha!
I love Fred teasing James for their money. I do hope we get to see the Potterís though, because right now Iím kind of sad to think about Harry and Ginny being too busy to pick up the boys. Although you canít really blame them both for having busy careers, and itís not like Albus and James are young children or anything.
Hahahahah I love Charlieís mum. James and Fred chorusing, We love you darling! Was just the cherry on top for me. That was a moment I wish so much was on film or something haha.
The Potters have a dog! I love that that was included in the note to Charlie, because it brings back the happy family feeling I was missing. Charlieís holiday seems really average so far, which I love.
Okay Iím skipping ahead (not in the story, just the review) because Iím afraid this is getting way too long. I loved the glimpse into everyoneís holiday, though. The interaction between Albus and Charlie was so odd... I canít wait to find out whatís behind that. He didnít seem... I donít know, like he was trying to rub in that James didnít invite her over or anything. I canít figure out what he meant by it! Want to give me just a tiny hint? ;)
Awesome chapter, my dear! I noticed a few things, I hope you donít mind me pointing them out:
*NEWTS is punctuated as N.E.W.T.s in the book
*Semicolons are only used to separate two dependent clauses or to separate the items of a list IF they include a comma. For example, f youíre listing city and state it would be: Iíve been to New York City, New York; Sacramento, California; Nashville, Texas... and so on. If the items donít include a comma, the semicolon wouldnít be correct. So this:
--James gently kisses the left side of my face; my forehead, my nose my chin
Should be punctuated as either:
--James gently kisses the left side of my face, my forehead, my nose, my chin
--James gently kissed me: my face, my forehead, my nose, my chin
*Lastly, this chapter had a lot more paragraphs whereas your others were spread more apart. I REALLY like this style over how the last few have been. I havenít commented on the lack of paragraphs before, because this is your story and everyone should do whatever style they like best, but now that youíve done more paragraphs in this one I just thought Iíd point out how much I like them ;)Author's Response: Gah, I am so annoyed with myself! I had typed out a big long response and then somehow pressed a button which made it all disappear! Ugh! And now, because I super lazy this is probably going to be a very short response.
First of all, thank you so much for the lovely long review! I always really appreciate them. And it's funny you mention the paragraphing because recently I have been going back and editing earlier chapter for that exact reason: to make sentences into paragraphs. I've found, after reading other amazing stories on here (like yours:p) that that makes for a far easier read.
Albus always acts pretty strange! But we will be finding out the reason for his strangeness during his meeting with Charlie in the next chapter, I promise.
Charlie's mum is definitely a strange character! It's a wonder, what with her parents, she turned out so almost normal! And I always love writing Fred's appearances in this story - he is such a fun character!
Thanks again for the review, I'll be sure to edit those mistakes - I've always been useless at grammar. I probably should have paid more attention in English.
Courtney:) Report Review
You know, I wish for about the millionth time that I could leave running reviews. There are so many things I thought about wanting to comment on during this chapter and I have no idea how I'm going to remember those. Maybe if someone wouldn't have kept me up until midnight distracting me while I edited, my brain would be working better. Oh... wait. I was the one keeping you up, huh?
Anyway, I think the additions to Gamps scene are awesome. Draco still managed to keep a cool head when the man countered his excuse about the weapon, and I have to say I was really impressed with the turn he chose to take.
Can any of us disagree that Voldemort's biggest downfall was being so obsessed with Harry? I loved Gamps comments, and it's hard to think that people involved in the war wouldn't think something similar. Of course the DE like Bellatrix and the first few who new Voldemort from Hogwarts days wouldn't think twice about their master, but I love that the supporters who'd never seen his cruelty would think something along those lines. Gamp actually said something I sort of agree with. Creepy.
Although he best watch the way he talks about Lily. That's one group he doesn't want going after him ;)
I'm getting pretty nervous about Draco and the way he seems to be letting all of this get to him. He's getting too involved with the trickery and the sneaking, and much too involved with that alcohol he's drinking. I wish he'd just go over to the Greengrass's and talk to her dad, man to man, instead of ever having gotten involved in all this.
Then the scene at Gringotts was really lovely. I adore watching Astoria learn so much more about what's outside of her sheltered world. She sees these things people went through, things she never could imagine with her parents firm stance of not getting involved and the money they had to keep them in them that way. The war was real for her I'm sure. She knew it was happening, but in the way that people across the world know there was a terrorist attack. It's sad and terrible, but she wasn't involved the way that Draco was, or Narcissa. She's learning so much more than I'm sure she bargained for, and I'm so impressed with how understanding she's being. I think the serious conversation that took place between those two was the perfect balance to the spoiled daughter vibe from the first part of that section. Not that there's anything wrong with being a spoiled daughter. I've managed to do it well all my life ;).
I had to remind myself this story was about Draco and Astoria, because I was half tempted to ask you to make the next chapter about Narcissa and Andromeda, haha! Well, maybe that's something Astoria can bear witness to in the future? ;)
I really liked that you added Astoria enjoying shopping for Daphne. Astoria is a girl, enjoys being a girl, enjoys looking pretty... and the fact that Daphne has good taste couldn't hurt. It's funny how different the two of those are. My sisters and I are so much alike, but neither of them are similar to Daphne so that's probably why ;).
This was an awesome chapter, m'dear! I can't wait to see these two lovers reunited!Author's Response: Jami, Jami, Jami. I love how much thought and effort I have to put into responding to your reviews. It's like a really pleasant homework assignment.
One odd thing about Gamp is that he's actually pretty insightful for a lunatic. Voldemort was completely obsessed with Harry because Harry's very survival made his power look less than absolute. As long as Harry lived, there would be proof that there were things beyond Voldemort's control, and I think that thought ate away at him night and day. Gamp saw things about him that all of his most ardent supporters missed. So, yes, great minds like you and Gamp think alike. :p
Draco is putting an awful lot of eggs into one basket with this plan he has to attend Gamp's wedding. It's obviously taking a mental toll on him. You can see it in his drinking and in his reduced ability to control his temper. I can't see him doing that with Mr. Greengrass, however. He's already had his pride injured once by Astoria's father. Being a Malfoy, he will definitely go the route of trying to prove that he's worthy rather than trying to talk his way in.
I loved writing the scene at Gringotts. Here I am letting Narcissa steal a scene again, just like she did several times in Marked. I think the conversation did a lot of good for Astoria. Perhaps a bit too much. You'll see... ;)
I think I'd like to write about Narcissa and Andromeda someday, but I'm not quite sure what I could bring to the story that I haven't read already. It's a surprisingly well-covered topic.
Astoria loves her sister, even though Daphne acts like a shallow idiot sometimes. They have a pretty strong bond in my mind, and Astoria definitely enjoys letting her sister spend their father's money on her. ;)
So glad that you enjoyed it! Thanks for the awesome review! Report Review
Oh my goodness Tori really is a piece of work, isn't she? I wanted her to chop Rebecca's hair off and leave it at that, then for everyone to notice Rebecca when they walked in together. Haha!
I'm actually sort of angry at Albus in this chapter, too. Before I was more annoyed at James for letting a girl come between them in the present day and staying angry at him, but in these chapters I find myself pretty irritated with Albus for the way he lets his and Tori's. relationship... continue and not telling her what a stupid... um...yeah.. (non 12+ word) she is for using his brother the way she does.
BUT Tori is also this amazingly beautiful person, Albus is obviously not as popular as James and not as classically handsome, so he's probably amazed by the kind of attention Tori's giving him.
I LOVE that you keep James the same, btw. He's a bit different with Tori than Charlie obviously, because they're two different people, but he's also still a lot the same. He's caring, but doesn't take crap and can sort of fly off the handle like he does with Charlie's Halloween costume. You're doing an awesome job giving him a different sort of personality with the girls he's dating, but also making it obvious that he's still the same person.
You're characters are all *so* different from one another. I really, really like that. You've given them their own traits and made them their own people... it keeps your story so awesomely addicting!
I'm seriously so excited to find out why Rebecca is so devoted to Tori in present day chapters after Tori treated her so poorly. Maybe she just didn't realize how much she was being walked over.
I tiny part of me is still wanting to sit Tori down and talk about the deep rooted issues making her act like such a.. mean girl! hahahah. I could straighten her up :P! (Not really, she'd scare me).Author's Response: WHAT? Another review! I feel so spoiled!
Tori is certainly a piece of work - not the type of girl I'd particularly like to be friends with, at any rate. And yep, Albus can be very naive. I think in the next few chapters it starts to become a lot more obvious why he and James are fighting in the present day.
I'm actually really glad to hear you say that James is the same, because I've always been a tad worried that he's too different in the two timelines. But I think Tori brings out the worst in him, Charlie brings out the best in him, giving him a minor shift in personality.
Thanks again for the review!
Courtney:) Report Review
Okay I have to get the side of me that works with children all day out -- WHERE ARE THESE CHILDREN'S PARENTS. Hahahahah.
I thought this was really, really entertaining and made me want to hug each of them, but I do think you maybe should include something in the beginning about either them sneaking off, then end it with a worried bunch of parents showing up, or maybe the lake is barely a pond and in reality the parents can see pretty clearly the whole time?
I think that would make this more realistic but keep the exciting adventure sort of spirit alive. It would take someone Lily's size (3 or 4) less than a minute to drown. The size of her lungs would be small enough that with an accidental swallow, it could kill her really quickly. So I kind of kept freaking out about why on earth the parents weren't around, hahaa. Not that that's actually your fault or the fault of the story... sorry, I'm turning my worrier brain off. Haha.
You did such an awesome job giving Victoire both a bossy but loving sort of personality. I bet either you're the oldest, or have a strong personality older sister. I swear, I felt like I was a kid again following my sister around as she ordered me to do crazy things, haha!
I also think you manged to get both her personality one that fits so well with both her parents!! I feel so often like people either make a sibling an identical version of a parent or nothing like them, but you really found a perfect balance in this!
She has her mother's pride. She's in charge of keeping them all happy (Oh! Also! Maybe you could show them all coming back and Victoire and Teddy getting in big trouble because they were supposed to watch over the youngsters and keep them in the back yard or something? That would tie up the, why aren't these parents watching them!Feeling nicely, haha!). Anyway-- she refused to give up, going above and beyond to do well as the oldest cousin. Then look at her bravery! So much like Bill! LOVE it!
All the age differences were so adorable. Watching them interact...you really captured that free spirit of childhood so well.
One last thing -- there are a few paragraphs and lines that you don't have the spacing between :)! I think adding that would give this lovely story a nice, clean feel!!
Awesome job ♥Author's Response: Yaayyy Jami!! Thank you so much for dropping by - your helpful advice is always needed! :)
I'm glad you thought it was entertaining - and I must admit - I did think a bit about the parents. Buuutt I totally lost the whole parent-y instinct vibe - so thank you for pointing that out! I think the parents would be worried sick about the whole bunch of children gone missing, and I was too dumb to realise that parents would notice if a huge bunch of children went missing! Doh! Thanks for showing me :)
Yeah, my older sister is some what a strong hearted soul. One of the reasons why I'm a gryffindor is probably because I'm one of the only ones in the family who can stand up to her, haha. I did just follow my older sister around constantly, and do what she told me!
Yay I'm glad Victoire reminded you of Fleur (and brave Bill)! I did try to show a decent bit of resemblance between the siblings and their parents, but then make them their own as well, so I'm thrilled you thought I got the balance right. I love your idea! I will definitely go add that in! Like that the parents could see them the whole time! Awesome! And yeah, a bit more space could help the story be a bit more easier to read and a bit more esthetically pleasing.
Thank you for reviewing, it's lovely to hear your expert opinion, and your reviews are also so long, detailed and awesome! Thank you so much Jami :D Report Review
Yay!!! First of all, the appearance of Sirius and sort of Belle made me happy. Hehe. Thank you for the very sweet mention and dedication ♥
This chapter was so much different than I expected. I'm really happy they half talked things out as opposed to sort of going weird about what happened. It's obvious that neither of them regret it, and seems like Scorpius is actually more sure of his feelings than Rose thinks. He knows he cares about her and that she's almost like a safe place for him, but doesn't have to question that.
Poor Rose the analyzer. You can't blame her, though. She just spent the night with a man she cares about, now in the light of day you never know what's going to happen. I think Scorpius did really well actually trying to explain to her that he did care, even using his annoying riddles, haha.
I loved the added bits of humor with the mentions of Ron and Scorpius's first answer to Rose when she asked what happened. Leave it to a man so to be a sarcastic brat when we're just trying to get answers :P
You did a really lovely job creating the 'what could be' sort of feeling. Picturing them waking up together, sharing a lazy breakfast before both heading their separate ways for the day and end up back home with a warm dinner sharing their days with one another. A really sweet mental image, and I loved that Scorpius was sort of thinking along those lines with his thoughts about a flat in Diagon Alley.
Awesome chapter, miss Ral!!! ♥Author's Response: My lovely Jami! √Ę¬ô¬• Your reviews make me so happy you have no idea!
I'm so happy that you liked the mention of Belle. Like I told you when asking for permission to borrow her, she is part of my head canon now and I wouldn't want it any other way!
I guess it's just something girls do, over analyze things that for men are simple. Needless to say I have no idea how men think and I asked my boyfriend some very odd questions along the lines of "how did you know you liked me?" when researching this chapter! I'm almost sure he thinks I'm mental by this point!
And yes, men love sarcastic answers.
I'm so happy you liked this chapter, it was special for me to write and knowing you liked it just makes me happy! Thank you! Report Review
Oh gosh this chapter was such a roller coaster!
Okay, let me rewind to the beginning. Those badges are terrible and I want to rip them all off. These people are so easily manipulated. It's like, they all feel too bad if they aren't helping because Tori had them so wrapped around her finger. I'm sure they do want her to be found, but they don't understand that they're missing out on the chance to get to know a really great girl (Charlie!)
Btw, my sister's name is Charli (no E) so if I ever misspell it, that's why :P
But I wish the school would realize that wearing those badges isn't going to do anything except make a very sweet girl feel bad. At least she has her little group of friends.
The twins were particularly annoying in this chapter, haha. At least they're just sort of air heads and not cruel like Rebecca. That stunt she pulled.. god. I thought at first that might be it, then when you made sure to not have Aine seeing her before they got down to the ball I was pretty positive that's why.
I was so angry at James first for his anger when he had to have known it wasn't Charlie's fault, but then really pleased with him for coming to that conclusion on his own. I guess I have to give him some credit for that and for being so willing to apologize.
Ohhh and now you've made me so much happier with this ending! I love the irony of it. Rebecca gave her the dress to embarrass her and make James angry, or something close to angry, and all it did was bring them closer together. Now that's some good karma!!
I think this is moving along at a really awesome pace. It keeps me really entertained without feeling over exhausting, if that makes sense.
Lovely chapter ♥ as always!Author's Response: Haha, I do hope that is a good thing!
It really does seem that even though Tori is not around anymore, she still has everyone manipulated and wrapped around her finger, doesn't it? I guess she got her wish - she has definitely been remembered by the majority of the school.
As annoying as the twins are, they are always fun to write. I have to admit, I have a twin sister, as she can be extremely similar to Lavender at times. But no, I don't think they're really cruel at all. And if they are, they certainly don't mean to be.
I think James is always going to be a slightly angry person, especially after his relationship with Tori. But I do think Charlie brings out the best of James, which is why they are so great together!
Thanks for another review!
Oh my gosh Tori makes me want to pull my hair out. You're showing us that she does have a real heart, or at least emotions, somewhere in side of her though because she's absolutely feeling a bit more toward Albus than she should. And not in a 'What will this benefit Tori' kind of way, but you can see she's struggling to drown those out.
Oh goodness, the stunt she pulled with James. I'm not surprised, obviously, but I do just want to strangle James for being so easily manipulated. I wish Tori could just see that everyone being jealous of her won't equate to happiness. She can still be liked without dating James, and she wouldn't be playing a very dangerous game where someone is bound to get hurt.
I'm really anxious to see what has Rebecca so devoted to Tori in the newer chapters. It's not like she was a particularly sweet friend... haha.
Despite the fact that Tori isn't nice to Rebecca, it is nice for her to bring her out of her shell a bit. It's funny to watch Tori talk Rebecca into things, then be surprised when she finds out Rebecca isn't the terrible dull person she thinks. Like when she thinks how pretty Rebecca looks when she smiles, but is immediately jealous of it. I swear, this girl needs some serious therapy.
Awesome chapter, Courtney! Frustrating, but lovely ;)!.Author's Response: Hi Jami! It's nice to see you back here again:)
Haha, Tori is definitely a very...frustrating character to put it politely but I think you're right about her having a real heart very, very deep down!
Tori is definitely a very manipulative person and poor James is just one of the many that has been pulled under her spell. And no, Tori was certainly never a good friend to Becky!
Thanks so much for the lovely review.
Courtney:) Report Review
Hi there mídear!
Iím going to start off by saying that Iím not entirely sure whatís going on, but I think thatís expected for a chapter like this.
I love the intensity youíve drilled into the start of this. Marianne seems like an interesting character, and Iím curious how she will fit into everything. I have to say those first few paragraphs, despite the fact that theyíre short, probably were my favorite part of this chapter. I loved the old feel to it and think it started us off really well.
A few things about that - on your first sentence, you donít need the colon. Not the colon and the period. Then with, ďďYou are Germany Marianne, because you keep..Ē I would consider putting a comma after ĎGermanyí and changing it to, ďYou are Germany, Marianne. You keep...Ē to give it less of a jumbled feel.
Iím so happy that the woman wasnít Hermione, and was really impressed with the information you were able to pass through us from him. We learned that this woman knows that Muggles are in danger, extreme danger, and that sheís in danger too simply because of her boyfriend and the company he seems to keep.
I like that you made Pansy very complex even in such a small amount of time. Sheís going to stay with this person who is hurting her, but is also informing someone of the danger thatís about to occur. Whether she was planning on escaping with the money or she just wanted it, Iím not sure. Either way, it doesnít seem like her plans worked out.
Iím anxious to see what you have tangled together, mídear!
I really enjoyed this start!
♥ Jami Report Review
Hi darling! Yay here for chapter two!
I really liked the pace you set this chapter. I think you did an awesome job giving us a natural chance to get to know Emily more. Being in Hogsmeade was a creative way to bring up the war again and what her life is like now that sheís free, and was done so in a way that didnít make it feel like it didnít belong in the story.
You address a few really powerful things in this chapter that helped build Emilyís character. We learn more about what the war was like for her, but at the same time we also learn she isnít one to let it kill her. Sure, she gets those twinges and there are plenty of memories that hurt. Too much happened for her not to be tainted, but she also isnít living in some sort of terrible darkness. She dealt with a lot and understands other people dealt with more, and is just stuck at this cross roads of what to do with herself. Itís clear that she needs more but doesnít know just what yet.
One comment about the beginning I have is the first small section felt a big unnecessarily choppy. I loved getting the bit about what it feels like from the eyes of a teacher, but I think you could fit it more smoothly into the next section. Just doing something small like:
Oh yeah, Hogwarts Professor... itís a charmed life. On that thought, I stretch my arms above my head to work out the kinks caused by three hours of sitting and grading.
The transition into Hogsmeade was perfect! Perfect. It was quick enough that we didnít get bored on the walk over but didnít go too quickly to feel unnatural. The thoughts she had regarding Hogsmeade made me feel so warm and fuzzy. Just knowing that she can still see beauty in a place that most witches and wizards consider a part of everyday life makes me happy. The comment regarding feeling like she was standing in a Christmas postcard created a really lovely picture.
Meeting her old Hogwarts friend felt ver appropriate. It brought a new side of Emily, or Em, out that we hadnít seen yet. I liked the subtle reminder that no one really wants to address the war. I also liked getting to see how other people think of Emily. Obviously Michelle liked and misses her enough to come up and say hi. Weíve all been in the situation where we are in the store or something and see the sort of friend that we donít want to talk to. You know, you cover your face then walk quickly away. But Michelle didnít do that so she actually wanted to talk to her, and then to watch Emily act much happier than sheís seemed lately was very sweet.
I enjoyed the first chapter, but I *really* loved this one. The rhythm was good and it flowed easily, a very pleasant read!
Just a few grammatical things:
ďItís Michelle,Ē She adds helpfully. ďMichelle Briar.Ē
--The ĎSí in she should be lowercase.
ďBut thatís amazing!Ē She says...
--The S in she should be lowercase as well.
ďOh, well I live here now too,Ē She replies...
--The S in she should be lowercase.
As well as in these ones:
ďThanks,Ē She smiles, her cheeks glowing
ďWeíre looking at developing a new range just for the Hogwarts kids,Ē She explains.
Awesome chapter, lovely!
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: Yay! :) I've been looking forward to this review.
I'm glad the chapter flows well, I though it was important to have a fair bit of action with Emily out of the school because, as much as she feels trapped there by work, she is an adult and unlike the students, she can come and go as she pleases in her free time.
This whole piece is about Emily and my intention is to gradually build her character over time, giving the reader a little bit more insight each chapter. But at the same time, Emily is trying to piece herself back together because she's lost sight of who she is, so it's like the reader and character are learning about her together. My point here is that I'm happy you said that you felt Emily's character developed well in this chapter, I must be on the right track :)
I have to agree with you about the first part of this chapter, I was never completely happy with the way it flowed. I like your suggestion though, that looks like it might really help. I'll go back and look at it when I get the chance. Thanks for the idea :)
I'm happy the transition worked well, I really wanted to make Hogsmeade a good place for her, and I think that even after being a witch for 14 years, it would hold a lot of charm for her. It's also somewhere that holds a lot of good memories, so it makes her feel safe and comfortable. The Christmas card comment is my own personal thought from looking at pictures/seeing Hogsmeade in the movies :)
Yes, very true about bumping in to old friends! I think Emily herself is a little shocked that Michelle wants to be friends with her - it shows how different she is from who she used to be. But Michelle sees Emily as the girl she know at Hogwarts and treats her accordingly, which is the end will be very good for Emily. I also think how Emily sees herself is very different to how others see her. She's been through a lot and during the war spent a lot of time with her own thoughts as she does now as well. As result, she'd got a sort of skewed perception of what she's like and capable of so there's this tension between her perception and everyone elses. That's where a lot of Emily's problems lie.
Argh, all those capital S's!!! That is such a stupid habit I have and I don't even know where it came from! Thanks for pointing those out, I'll go back and fix them.
I'm glad you like the chapter, I really appreciate all your thoughts and comments. I'll put in a request for chapter 3 soon :)
Bec Report Review
Wow this was a very moving one shot. Colin's death is one that never really made me sad before Fan fiction. I think because, among the ones we'd lost, he wasn't really the top concern. Of course it was sad but nothing compared to Fred or Remus or tonks.
But this little piece really brought my sads out. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for Dennis and his family, especially when the parents knew next to nothing about the world their children lived in, the move on alert Colin's death.
I loved how you captured so much of Colin through the photographs. That's what he was. A boy behind the camera Honoring him the way Dennis is, and Dennis giving himself the chance to heal whatever he's able of his own broken heart, was such a sweet thing to write about. I love how long it took him to finally look through his brother's things. Then even longer to find a photo of him.
The ending, with Dennis recreating the self portrait Colin has, of my gosh. I wanted to cry.
Beautiful story, m'dear!Author's Response: Awh! I'm the opposite - being small, annoying and obsessed with cameras myself, I took Colin's death a little personally :P
I'm really glad this story did manage to move you - I sometimes worry that my writing is too clinical and matter-of-fact, especially with this piece.
Thank you for the lovely review! ♥ ♥ ♥ Report Review
Iím a cheater. I read ahead ;(. This is why I donít like reading ahead. It takes me too long to get back to reviewing.
I know Iíve said this a million times, but I really love the dynamic between the siblings. Lily being so sure her brother told on her, already expecting it as she came into the kitchen. Youíve made me very hungry with the start of this, by the way. And I love the sort of peace over the Potter house right now. Is everything dandy? Well, not from Lilyís PoV, but itís still a quiet Saturday morning and there arenít enough of these in stories.
Oh sheís so tangled up with Scorpius thoughts. I love her being willing to do just about anything though. I know Iíve been there, when Iím so upset about something that I just canít handle thinking about it so taking a way out of your own mind is something I wouldnít so no to. Having Lily feeling that way just felt very realistic to me. She canít really do anything right now. Sheís angry with Scorpius, sheís grounded, sheís already in over her head with all this... whatís she supposed to do to fix it? Nothing. So instead she needs a way not to think about it, and I have to say I think the way was very creative. Iím so excited to see Luna and to see her close to the Potter clan. I love Lilyís analysis of the family and Mr. Scamander being the odd one out in a family of already odd people. Iíve always seen him described as sort of nerdy, but I really love your version. In my mind, this man and Luna would make a very lovely couple.
And in one sentence:
ďSee, I knew they wouldnít be late,Ē Luna said in way of a greeting.
Youíve gotten completely to the heart of Luna, haha. That was just so right. And we get a James appearance! Hahaha I canít say Iím crazy about Liza though... Iím sure the Potters often arenít crazy about their eldest sonís girlfriends if this one is any indication of previous ones ;).
I also loved that thought Lily did seem to enjoy her party, she wasnít over the moon or anything. Like she thinks, sheís seventeen. She clearly appreciates what was done for her loved her family clan, but at the same time sheís seventeen. Not your ideal Ďget wild coming of age party.í
Okay. Iím giving myself an F for running reviews. I figured since Iíd already read the chapter it would be easier - nope. Sorry, I got too into it and now the chapters over again. Haha. This is your fault. If your writing was easier to stop reading, I would be able to comment on it.
This chapter is one that really makes me want to shout at you for not having this complete. Everything is all tangling together with the twins and Severus and the break in and Scorpius and LILYíS PARENTS NOT LISTENING TO HER. I really felt for her with that one. You know, you couldnít give me enough money to make me go back to being a teenager.
Youíve just thrown me in the middle to Ďmust know what happen,í world and Iím going to have to start poking at you after I review the next chapter. Youíre a very talented writer, you know. Iíll admit that I do enjoy your adult characters more... you have such a skill for crafting them so perfectly and making them people that Iíd want to know (or not know, in Reginaís case). But I still really love your younger characters.
Writers block please go away, please!Author's Response: lol, I'm the same way. I can't be trusted with reading ahead!
Writing Luna and James and the gang was a lot of fun. I wrote this chapter way before I started OtE, so this was my first time playing with a lot of these characters. I guess I'm lucky in that other people's characterizations don't get stuck in my head very often, which leaves me lots of room to make them act however I want :P
It didn't seem right not to mark Lily's birthday with some sort of celebration, since this is such a big one in the wizarding world. But it also didn't seem right to suddenly throw in a bunch of made-up friends we'd never heard of before for her to go off and celebrate with. I can't imagine Luna being "hip" to what anyone wants in a party, let alone a teenage girl... but Lily appreciates the gesture in a you-REALLY-shouldn't-have kind of way.
Based on the two stories, I like my adult characters better too! Part of it, I think, is that some of this was written a while ago. While you'll never get me to admit that I actually LIKE anything I've ever written, I will say I do think I've improved over time. But also, I was really bad at being a teenager. I didn't do any of the fun, rebellious stuff at ALL, so I have a harder time taping into teenage angst, I think.
Plus, logistically, it's just been harder to write. I needed Scorpius to be 18 to make all the arrest stuff work, but to stay with canon, that would make Lily 16/17, when I really see her in my head as closer to 14/15. I think I write her too young at times, but also having a 14 year old child of Harry and Ginny Potter running around unsupervised didn't seem very realistic.
Haha! Okay, I just veered way off-topic. Sorry about that. Thank you for the lovely review. I did manage to write about 300 words yesterday. Certainly not enough to knock anyone's socks off, but at least it's something!! Report Review
Hi darling! I was excited to have a reason to get back to chapter three!
There were a lot of things I really loved in this chapter. I think the you did an excellent job putting Dom in a place that feels very realistic for the situation she's been through. She's had her life completely changes and it'll never be the same again. We know it's possible to still have an incredibly decent life under these conditions, but we watched Remus ruin half of his in self hatred. I really hope Dom is able to understand what Remus never really could and accept this. She has people that really love her, and unlike Remus who lost all those people for over a decade, it seems like they're going to stand by her. And that will make all the difference, I'm sure.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, I loved that you had her still so very upset still but sort of needing to move on. Her boss is there (though I'm curious if you meant to write the woman as mean she came off as) reminding her she has an article to complete, her work needs to be done, and she's put off her boyfriend for much too long.
The comment about her scar and Teddy's thoughts felt absolutely perfect. My sister has a scar that goes from the base of her neck all the way down her back to her hips. Not a small scar, a big scar, and after. seven years, it's still something she'll get moment of insecurity about. Having an ugly bite mark in such a fragile and delicate place would be a big deal to the person wearing it, so I'm really happy you didn't gloss over that.
The memory with Dom and Teddy + Victoire and bf, was really sweet and I loved seeing how they started dating. If felt a bit formal at times, nothing that turned me off or anything.
The only thing I'd really suggest is in your last section, and that's to clarify if she's still in the hospital or has gone home. It felt like at the end of the first section that since she's going back to work soon, she'd be well enough to head home. So when that last section started her I imagined her as being home. But then I thought it was odd that Fleur and Bill hadn't insisted on being with her or her coming to stay with them, and that's when I realized she may still be in St. Mungo's :P. Maybe just saying something small at the start like, 'reading the material she'd had brought from her flat to the hospital..' Just to continue giving you reading a clear picture of where we are.
Awesome chapter as always, m'dear! ♥Author's Response: Hey hon! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Sorry for the late response.
I am glad you found a lot of things likeable in this chapter. Yes, Dom's life will never be the same again and I tried to portray her thoughts as realistically as possible. Well, whether Dom accepts it or not, we'll only find out in the very later chapters.
I exactly meant to write her boss the way she came across, and you'll see why in the next 2-3 chapters. Indeed, Dom now needs to start dealing with things, especially since more 'stuff' is coming along the way.
I always believe that scars, being physical reminders of what we've endured, can have huge impacts on people, so I included that for Dom. Pleased you liked it =)
I am glad you liked the memory as well. I'll try to go back and edit out the formality.
Um, actually Dominique is back at home and I hinted that in various places, like-
"Dominique stared at the blank wall in front of her silently, perched on the edge of her handsome black couch."
"As she allowed her gaze to wander around her living room, a sigh escaped her."
"After she had been discharged and allowed to move back into her home, a stream of people kept coming to visit her every few hours or so."
Isn't it clear enough through these sentences that she's back home?
Thanks for all your lovely comments! Report Review
Hi darling! Iím here for your review. First of all with your AoC about not knowing how the piece comes across to readers - I think itís really, really heartbreaking. I canít imagine there being much more painful than your spouse of so long not only forgetting you, but disliking you, and I think you got that across really beautifully in this. Your writing as clean and intriguing, and I never had to try and force myself to imagine what was going on so your imagery did itís job.
Starting it through the nurseís eyes was really clever and I loved the way you made it clear where Bill was and why without giving us an ungodly amount of unnecessary information. I did feel like the part where you brought up the Dark Lord was a bit rough. Considering the nurse is a woman who wasnít involved in it, this:
Even in old age, when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, horrific memories still brought these to the surface. The war was always at the edge of their thoughts: Lord Voldemortís face leered behind every crisp white curtain, the Dark Mark was carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather...
Felt too sudden. Maybe just rewording it so it doesnít seem as matter of fact that the residence would get these thoughts about the dark lord. Something like: when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, it seemed that horrific memories were the first to surface. Many of the residents from Britain fought against their nightmares about the years that Lord Voldemort had been in power, and often said they saw his face leering behind the crisp, white curtains or the Dark Mark carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather cloth...
Considering so far this story is being told through the eyes of the nurse as she sees her residents, I think that would keep in more in line. It makes it clear the residents think about all this when their minds start losing control, but keeps constant with your later statement that this nurse wasnít alive during that time.
I loved, loved the line that you used as your summary. It felt just perfect where you placed it. One thing I would suggest is adding a page break, either with the line or a * after that sentence. You switch into Billís thoughts at this point and away from the nurses, so this would help break it up and make it clear to the reader that youíre altering something.
I have nothing to CC on regarding your memories that Bill was thinking of about his love for Fleur. The kind of wife she used to be is exactly how Iíd imagined her and it makes it so much more painful to think of how they are now. You switched smoothly from thought to thought, painting us such a clear picture of what their life was like together without over doing. I thin you did a really, really lovely job with that.
This story was incredible engrossing. It made sense and I believe you hit the feelings you wanted to. I can very much see these characters age this way, although we never want to imagine Fleur forgetting Bill. The small details you added, like Billís earring and Fleur blaming him wondering if he took her necklace, all gave the characters plenty to make them feel canon. Aged canon, but canon.
Awesome job, mídear! I hope I was helpful, and good luck on the challenge!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello, thank you so much for such a long and thoughtful review!! :) It's so great to get this feedback on the story, and that the mood of the one-shot was very sad which was what I was of course going for! I also thought that the situation would be so sad, especially for a couple like Bill and Fleur who went through so much at such a young age.
I'm glad that you liked how it started through the nurse's POV- I wanted to emulate a little the third-person narrative JKR begins some of the books with, such as her description of the Dursleys at the beginning of Philosopher's Stone, haha. That's an excellent point you've made about the sudden introduction of the Voldy stuff, and I definitely agree and will be editing soon to polish that up. So thank you!! :) This is why reviews are so great, to tell writers things we don't always notice about our own writing!
Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, and it's wonderful to hear that you thought it stayed true to canon. Thank you for taking the time to leave me such a kind and helpful review, it made me very happy!!! :D
Hi there! I got your message and wanted to stop by!
This is a really sweet story and I think the lyrics for it fit perfectly. Song fics are definitely a challenge but you did really well on this!
I think starting with the two of them meeting in the slug club was a good idea. You might have a few people that have an issue with it because Draco wasn't in the club, but I don't think it matters and it starts for a really logical way of how they'd have gotten close.
You definitely show a softer side of Draco in this. His and Astoria's conversation in the astronomy tower was very powerful. It was a different Draco than we're used to seeing but it was still so nice to watch them be so open with one another! And the way you continued to move the time line along with the song felt very realistic.
I think Draco's worry in the battle was expressed really well. I loved seeing him so concerned for Astoria's safety and protecting the boy he questioned, and it made the wedding day years from that point even more special &heart;
The after battle scene was almost surreal. If fit really well with how you'd imagine something like that feeling and I love that Astoria was worried about interrupting. You write her in such a sweet and awesome way.
I do have a few comments that are a bit more CC, I hope you don't mind. This was a really really lovely one shot, carefully written with no grammar issues. Feel free to ignore what I say next because it's mainly just opinion stuff.
One thing that allows us to get attached to people and really believe in their bond is by seeing what they can withstand together. We understand they're in a difficult time with the war and everything, but that's sort of glossed over. Maybe showing more of it as opposed to telling would help? Like, instead of you narrating that Draco was having a hard time with his mission by Voldemort you could have him talking with Astoria about it. We could be part of the pain and frustration he feels instead of it being narrated to us. Little things like that throughout really might take this story the extra mile. The other thing that I wanted to mention was Narcissa's behavior. Her actions were incredibly sweet at the end and I do think what she went though and almost lost may be enough to force her to see her wrong doing and wanting to help. I just felt like maybe you could keep her more in character if she was offering the manor but also wanting something in return. What if she bargains for the manor in trade for her, her son, and Lucius to all be pardoned of their trial for the war? That would make us feel like she's changed enough to really be making progress but no so dramatically that it feels a bit fast.
Okay I did this review on my iPhone some hope there aren't too may typos :P
This was such a sweet story and I loved reading your take on how these two fell in love ♥
JamiAuthor's Response: thank you so much for your lovely and constructive review- it truly made my day!
I did take your advice about Narcissa and edited the story a little to show that her ego, rather than her maternal instinct was what fueled her offer, and I am going to try to fill in a short draco struggling scene.
Also, I know Draco wasn't in the slug club initially, but I do like to think that during his seventh year at Hogwarts, Slughorn was trying to make nice with some of the more powerful students in order to protect himself either way.
Again, thank you so much for this incredible review!
~M Report Review
Hi darling! I glanced over this story when I was assigning you and Alli as a pairing. I really try and assign stories that I think one another will like, and your style reminded me as hers. Anyway, I got really interested in this when I was glancing through it and then I couldn't pass up reviewing when I noticed you on tag!
Anyway, something that I love most about the constant story telling through the number of chops. It was so gruesome but so heartbreaking, and not gruesome in a... over the top sort of way. You made this story incredibly realistic which makes it all that more amazing.
The crowd trickling off as the chops passed may have been my favorite part. They wanted to watch something intense and fast and. done. But seeing him die like this, slowly, almost like there's no climax to it, didn't interest them. It's terrible how much human nature can love misery, but we've known it to happen time and time again. With public executions and hangings and floggings... but the fact that it's always happened doesn't make it any less terrifying.
Then when the executioner himself started weakening, unable to perform his task, inexperience... my gosh. You made me feel bad for the man killing another innocent man! What are you doing to me!!!
Your writing in this was really superb. It captivated me from start to finish!
Awesome job!Author's Response: Hi!
I'm so amazed to get this review from you because you're such a wonderful writer yourself! This really made my day!
I was afraid at times that this could seem over the top with the axe strokes and some of the gore (I was wincing myself writing some of that!) so I'm pleased that you didn't think it was.
The crowd's reaction was really important for me to include. It's always been incomprehensible to me that people consider executions to be entertainment, but sadly, like you said, it's happened throughout history.
I'm so happy that you felt bad for the executioner! To begin with he was a faceless figure in my mind, but once I started writing he was a character who really wrote himself. The mistake with the blunt axe is something only a very inexperienced executioner could do, and as a result I don't think that couldn't affect him.
Thank you so much for this amazing review - you really did make my day!
nott theodore :) Report Review
Hi love! I'm so sorry for how long it's taken me to get here. I'm sort of in a blurry state of blur from Thursday until Saturday trying to post, but now I am here and yay! I even resisted reading this chapter the other night in bed, not wanting to read it until I had the chance to review.
I want to hug Johanna. What she went through is so sad, and her choice understandable. Though I feel like she' the type of person that did what she had to and, for the most part, closed the doors to that part of her life. Those brief memories will come back at terrible moments, but other than that she's managed to separate herself from that. Still, I want to hug her :P.
I thought you wrote the entire section of murdering Jean's uncle really, really well. I loved knowing who had the different parts and was incredibly engrossed with the way you were describing the effects of Polyjuice potion on each. The poisoned rag was so sneaky... and I love the way you ended an already tense section in chaos.
Describing the way each of them looked as they walked into the Ministry was absolutely perfect. I loved that they all sort of fit in in their own way, as well as that disgust for how people live in such poverty while these people are in nothing but luxury. I really enjoy the amount of time we spent in Johanna's head during this chapter. She might be my favorite so far.
Camille's anger! Amazing! Can you blame her, though? I can't see being thrilled either, and I'm happy she took it out on Jean instead of Astrid.
Ending this chapter on such a tense note, leaving us to imagine what those files could say (though you give us hints to make it clear it's something dark enough to make our gang question what they're doing) was both awesome and infuriating. I want to know what happens next!
Awesome chapter, m'dear!! ♥Author's Response: &hearts
Writing Johanna's flashback in this chapter made me feel really horrible, because while I do enjoy making some characters suffer, this is not the case in this story - the context does that without me. Hug her as much as you like!
Yeah, the Ministry isn't really as fair as it seems to be in chapter one, is it? I had to balance them out though, and I also wanted to show that generally those ith power are less affected by wars than other people.
Ah, Camille! She most definitely was not going to take it out on Astrid - poor girl doesn't even fully know what hit her yet.
Thank you for the review Jami, I will update this soon!
Hi Kiana!! Regulus is a really fascinating character to me, so I was really excited to see this!
I think the constant metaphor of the stars was so well done. Obviously it fits because of their names, but more than that you give it so much significance with the dimming of light in Regulus. It's usually set the opposite way, with Regulus being the bright star and Sirius being the dim one who could never compete, but seeing the opposite here with Regulus thinking of his brother as the brother one was very creative!
I love your idea of him wanting to make Sirius proud. I wish so much he'd have had the chance to find out his was his brother who risked his life, well, lost his life to get he Horcrux. It makes me so sad that Sirius died never knowing what Regulus did :(
I love the desperate tone you've created this entire piece in. It matches really well with what I would think Regulus would be feeling those last few days.
Regulus's thoughts about Bellatrix and about realizing that he wasn't taking the world to a brighter place, but a darker, was really eerie. I think seeing how Bella behaves through another's eyes is super fascinating. The section you have about him watching her eyes light up (or something similar) when she kills... oh wow. That was just awesome.
I think the pressure his family put on him to be the Black who helped restore the world would have really driven him to signing his life away to Voldemort. He just wanted to make everyone proud, and you highlight that so well in this one shot. But in the end the only person he wants to make proud is Sirius. Ahh you're drowning me in feels, here!
This was really beautiful, Kiana! ♥Author's Response: Jami! This was a lovely surprise :D
I'm so glad that you liked the metaphor of the stars, as it seemed so fitting! I've never seen it done the other way round, but it seemed to make sense to do it this way, as Regulus did gradually fade from existence.
I agree about Sirius not knowing about what Regulus did, I think that's possible one of the most tragic things throughout the entire book. I really do hope that he wanted to make Sirius proud, as it would show he wasn't just a death eater.
I'm so glad that you liked the Bellatrix scene, as you write her so well! It just seemed to make sense that he would have looked up to her, and thought she was doing the right thing, and for the relisation to all come crumbling down.
I think the only person Regulus loved in the end was Sirius, so I'm so glad that you loved that part, as I found their relationship so interesting! I'm sorry I drowned you in feels!
Thank you for this wonderful review Jami! Report Review
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! So I was searching through the people who have yet to leave reviews, but then decided for such a special birthday i wanted to leave it myself ♥
I hope today is all about you and that you get to have some serious fun, and get lovely presents and cake!!! hehe!!
This was such a sweet one shot. I like that you used just a small thing that most people don't think about, getting one another Christmas gifts, and gave it its very own one shot. Christmas is already such a romantic time that I just felt myself get all fuzzy and feelsy.
The fun banter at the start with Sirius teasing Lily and James, then between Moony and Sirius, was so awesome. I loved that Remus was looking up the laws regarding Sirius's flying motorbike. It seems so Remus-sh, and then even better that Sirius hadn't even asked him to look it up. Haha! They're the best, this group is.
Sirius's impatient nature was so fun to watch coming through in this. His constant need to be doing something, whether it's teasing his friends or passing the ball back and forth. And then I was really happy when you added Peter in as Lily and James were going upstairs!
The gifts were so sweet. I think it's so hard to think of presents, and I love how personable you made both gifts. The nervousness that Lily felt upon giving James his was so precious. I just wanted to hug her.
This was such a delightful little one shot, Adele ♥!!! It's smooth and sweet, although it did make me want Christmas time to come back!
Happy birthday, lovely ♥ Report Review
First to address your comments in your AN: I LOVE following the dialogue. I think you write it with a very smooth touch. There are enough tags to understand who is saying what, but you donít over to it or make it feel monotonous at all. Darcy is a really fun outside perspective considering the rest of our MCís are all related. I loved her thoughts about the flower box. I totally thought how funny it would be if they were their Ďnameí flowers, so when they were and she basically thought, Ďreally?í I totally Lolíd. Darcy and I are going to continue getting along very well, I think.
Later in the chapter, Dominiqueís evaluation of why the two work well together with their contrasting appearances, at least to the public eye, was so awesome! It made perfect sense. Every man is attracted to a certain kind of woman, even if itís the sort of woman heíd never want to actually be involved with but is really intrigued by. Iíd even go as far to say every woman has a specific kind of woman they want to be like. Some days you might want to be all Angelina Jolie or Keira Knightly hard core, other days you might wish you were more softer and just a naturally charismatic person like Rachel McAdams. I never really thought of how genius it was to have both kinds of women working along side one another for their modeling, but it really is! Maybe you should be an agent :P.
Darcy was clearly out of her comfort zone but still acted perfectly natural. You can tell she doesnít love to be surrounded by divas, but she still plays the part well and itís necessary to further her career. Sheís devoted to what she does, though she currently isnít loving exactly what that is, and she isnít this socially awkward person who canít handle these kind of situations. I really, really love that because I feel like so many OCís have been cropping up as these quirky girls who stammer their way through situations but are still adorable. Not that thereís anything wrong with that, but Darcy feels a million times more realistic. More than that, I actually found myself liking her. The sort of, Ďthis girl would be nice to be friends with,í kind of life.
Iím excited to watch her and Albusís next encounter! You set up just enough, hmmm without making it feel *too* set up. I think that theyíre really going to enjoy one another, these two :D!
I really enjoyed this chapter and hope it doesnít take nearly as long for me to get back for the next!
Also, you write these fluffier, easier sort of scenes really well. Youíre a very diverse author, miss Amanda.Author's Response: Ooh, that's great! This story is more dialogue heavy than a lot of my others, I think, and so I was worried that it would be too monotonous. It seems like it would be odd to be on the outside of the Potter-Weasley gang and to interact with so many of them at one time, particularly with Darcy being as awkward as she is at times. I love that you had a similar reaction to the flowers as her :)
Hah, I'll add 'modeling agent' to my list of back-up careers... though between you and me, just the motivation of wanting to stick it to my advisor is enough to make me want to finish the one I'm in! :D It's great that you like the idea of Lily and Rose's double act. I do think their differing personalities could enable them to become anything they needed to be for a particular photo shoot or runway show.
For some reason having an awkward main character seems to be integral to writing a next-gen story. It is comforting to hear that the sort of awkward I chose is at least realistic. She can still suck it up and deal with things at work that annoy her, and she's not falling over herself so much that she can't deliver a smooth line or enjoy a moment from time to time. I'm very proud of how she turned out and I think she's a bit like me, though I say that about most of my characters.
It's really great that you are enjoying the story so far and feel like I've pulled it off well. I'm so excited to hear what you think as you continue through the rest. Thanks again, dear!
-Amanda Report Review
Ohh what a terrifying way you've started us out, m'dear!
I've never read something that showed what happened the moment she'd decided to take ranks among the death eaters, and I love the irony of it being Rodolphus that led her there. I'm sure if he understood how enamored his young wife would be with Voldemort he'd never had made that first step of connecting the two.
The idea of Bellatrix enjoying that someone has the power to look into her mind and see the things that maybe she doesn't want to admit or doesn't want to accept is really creative as well. I can't imagine the impression she must've made on Voldemort as well as the present company to be asked a private moment with him... and of course to actually walk from that private moment alive :P
I love how everything in this first chapter tied into one another. Andromeda leaving, Bellatrix being unable to standing being in the house with her moping sister, her heightened distaste for Mudbloods because of Andromeda, and finally all of that forming together and creating some of the puzzle pieces that got here where she is.
This was a really interesting start, dark and creepy just like the woman herself!!
I'm excited to see what's next :)Author's Response: I'm so happy you enjoyed the brief excursion into the dark and twisted mind of Bellatrix. I gave myself the creeps writing it, I'll tell you!
I wanted to explore what happened in the exact moment when she first met him, because as I imagine it, Voldemort was rather charming back then. Nothing like a pretty face to get you to commit mass-murder. And I also thought of a trigger. As seen in the books, the purebloods don't really care about much as long as it leaves them alone. And since none of the Blacks besides Regulus were actually Death Eaters, something needed to have happened to throw Bellatrix of the deep end.
Again, thank you for the lovely comment. Coming from you, it's the best compliment! Thank you lovely! Report Review
Hi darling! I was very excited when you request this. Mainly because I love reading fellow Gryffies work, but now that I've read the first chapter I'm even more excited because of how different this story is!
To address your first concern of this being too information heavy: No, I don't think so at all. I think you've set Emily in a perfect position to be dwelling on this. The last day of school after two terrible years of teaching seems like it would put anyone into an introspective kind of mood, and I think you really moved her train of thought along well. There were a few parts that I think felt unnecessary. Mainly when she was talking about her year on the run. I think that instead of her thinking of what the facts to to (she'd been on the run, she'd met up with people, Snatchers occasionally found them, and so on) you should focus on her feelings. We know what is was like for a Muggle-born on the run during the HP series, so we don't need the added bit about snatchers and such. I think instead if you ever wanted to edit this you could focus on what it was like for her to not know where her next meal would come from, being so cold and tired and sick of it all. You do that a bit at the end, but I think you could make it primarily about that. Wanting to stop fighting, to let yourself just be done with it all, is a really powerful sentiment so I think surrounding that in all the things that drove her to feeling, instead of just the facts, would be really powerful in that paragraph!
I love that Emily has lost so much spark. That sounds mean, right? But I'm thinking this story will be about her finding that spark again, about recovering and moving on and learning to be Emily again, so starting her out in such a dull sort of feeling, almost like she's on autopilot and has to remain that way to get through the day was absolutely an awesome choice. That gives you so much room to build her character back up, to let her grow into a person who has a passion for life again, and eek that all just makes me so excited!
Her realization at the start of the story about it being *her* that is making the class boring was really awesome, as well. I also think that you could really tie in that first section and all her thoughts about the war if you could insert something during the first part when she's still with her students about her feeling like if maybe if they understood how lucky they are to be alive during this time, if they understood what everyone had to sacrifice to get them in that school and free, maybe they'd pay more attention. That would kind of build her feelings later in the chapter up, so we'd really understand how much the war has changed her.
To be honest, all the things I'm pointing out are just suggestions for an already amazing start. You can not listen to any bit of what I've said and leave the first chapter how it is, and it would still be a really intriguing beginning.
Oh! And McGongall! She felt perfectly fine to me. I think that you put her in a good balance between being the McGongall we see with students and the one we'd imagine with colleagues. Not bright or bubbly or anything, but not as stern as she is with students. A very good combination!! I also liked that she believed in Emily so severely. That made me want to believe in her, which already made me feel like I was getting attached.
This is a really lovely start, and I hope I was able to be helpful!! Please feel free to request for the next chapter ♥
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this :) I really appreciate your comments and it gave me lots to think about.
I'm glad you don't think this chapter is information heavy, I guess you just hear a lot of "make your first chapter catchy, reel your audience in" blah blah blah so when I wrote a non-action first chapter that's all this internal moping, I worried that it might not work, but it does seem to set the tone.
You know, I hadn't thought about the whole reflections being purely about her actions/facts and not her feelings. I might have a little look at that section and see if there's some tweaking I can do, although I don't want to put too great a focus on her feelings at this point, because the plan is for her feelings to seep out slowly throughout the story, almost like she's hidden them away from herself but they start to escape. So there may not be a lot I can change there but I'll have a look at it all the same. It's always good to look at things with fresh eyes I think.
lol...not mean at all about Emily losing her spark. As the story progresses you see just how much spark she has lost - almost like who she is and who she was are two different people! This story is definitely about the rebuilding of a person who had been deeply affected by war, I mean yes there's a little bit of romance and a bit of action planned, but essentially this story is about Emily's journey. I'm glad you picked that up :)
When I wrote that bit about her class being boring, it made me smile. :) I think it's a good demonstration of how low Emily's self esteem is - how little she thinks of herself. That's a really interesting suggestion about tying in her thoughts about the war with her thoughts about the kids being bored, but unfortunately I don't think it would work, mostly because I think it would be out of character for Emily to think that way. Whilst she does get cross with her students and blame things on them sometimes, she mostly sees her student's lack of interest as her own fault. She places a lot of blame on herself (something that's explored in further chapters) and believes that her classes are boring because she's a terrible teacher. Also, I suppose this isn't obvious yet, but Emily doesn't see the war as something to be proud of - for her it is a source of fear and nightmares. Oh and this class is sixth year so they would have actually been first years during the war/at the time of the Battle of Hogwarts...I think. I need to get my timeline sorted out properly but I'm pretty sure that's right. But like I said, thank you for the suggestion all the same :)
Oh I'm so pleased you liked McGonagall...I think she's the thing I'm most worried about in this whole story! I will be interested to see what you think of my characterisation of her as the chapters progess though.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this awesome review. It was so helpful and really did make me think about aspects of this chapter that I hadn't considered before. It also helped me to think about my main character and why she acts and thinks the way she does, which was actually really encouraging because it made me realise I have a pretty deep understanding of Emily.
Really, thanks again and I'll request the next chapter once your review thread is empty :) Report Review
Amanda! Hi m'dear ♥ Well, at least your advisor has done ONE good thing since working with you. This one shot is incredibly intriguing.
I'm so behind on your new short stories, and it made me so happy to see you request! I feel like there's so much I need to be doing all the time that opening a thread back up felt like the only way I'd get myself to review, haha. ANYWAY I'm really excited you requested this one shot. It's more of the classic Amanda work I love so much, though a bit less abstract than some of your other pieces.
I love that you took into account the fact that Lavender wouldn't have gotten away with either life or death. It wasn't that simple, and instead she's been left in the sort of limbo between being not quite human but not quite werewolf that we watched Bill enter into. But Bill had the support of his family and unwavering love of his fiance. What does Lavender have? A dream long gone of being the princess in the fairy tale. That's so, so sad.
Maybe if she would have had someone to care for her the way she's able to use the potion to alter her brain and care for herself, she would never have felt the desperation of this. She just wants to look at herself and see someone beautiful, someone charming that could be the desire of every man around, and the love potion does that. She doesn't deal with her feelings of inadequacy, she covers them up. I love that. I love that she clearly hasn't come to terms with anything, because even surviving through what she's been part of would be hard enough. Surviving it without someone like the strength of the Weasley clan would be damn near impossible, and the idea of her needing that potion just to pretend for a while that she's the best version of herself is twisted in the same that that it's inventive. For both of you! Instead of letting herself live in this sort of hate, she's found a way to be everything she wants. It's a messed up and unhealthy way, sort of like an alcoholic that uses it to dull their pain, but it's still a way.
You said you wanted to know if this made sense, but now I'm over here questioning if my review even makes sense :P. The story made perfect sense to me, so I don't see why it wouldn't to other people. You leave enough clues to tell what she is and to make it clear that she isn't a full werewolf. I also love the idea of it being the full moon that induces either this further hate of herself, making her need to create the potion, or induces the need to love herself more. I'm not sure which it is, but either way it's still a really creative idea.
The only thing that I could spot CC wise in this is that there's a bit of excess commas. But I'm terrible at actually understanding what is too much... There were just times that I felt like it would have flowed smoother without a few. Like:
--When I was a little girl, I used to read and re-read Beauty and the Beast.
I think this first sentence would feel more fluid without that first comma.
--Some months, I am weakened, and I sit and stare at the stars, a book open in my lap and Professor Trelawneyís voice in my head.
--For a while, I would wrap the bottle up in ribbons and make a show of presenting it to myself, just to make sure it would work.
I think both first commas in these two sentences make it feel a little clunky, as well.
Like I said I am far from understanding the best way to use commas and am just now training comma splices out of myself, so feel free to ignore that. Those were just a few places that felt more complicated than necessary because of the comma.
This was really beautiful and dark one shot, Amanda. Not that I'd expect anything less from you ;). I think you should start making writing a priority every time you can't sleep! ♥Author's Response: Ugh, blame my advisor for why it took me five days to respond to this. But thank you, love! :D I feel like I haven't talked to you much lately and I miss you, and I just couldn't resist the opportunity to get your opinion on this piece. (And I know I've said this every which way I can, but it's my full intention to catch up on Before They Fall at some point, hopefully over the summer.)
It's so great that you caught the similarity I tried to pose between Lavender's condition and Bill's after the war. You're totally right that there is a major difference between them due to the contrast between having a huge Weasley support system and having no one. I definitely viewed the potion as being like alcohol or a drug, in that Lavender uses it to numb herself to sleep and try to capture that feeling of love that she's never experienced.
I'm glad you feel like this piece makes sense. I had gotten a few people who seemed to miss that Lavender wasn't a full werewolf--I tried to allude to that in her comment about Greyback, but it seemed like people saw that as being a sort of suicide wish, which wasn't exactly what I meant to convey. I just meant that if she was a full werewolf, she would at least not be in this terrible limbo state. As for the ending, I think that self-hatred is always there under the surface, but the full moon makes her moody and irritable, which really brings it out and causes her to feel restless.
I seem to overuse commas; I think it's because I get annoyed when I read stories with endless run-on, comma-free sentences. You're probably right that some of those could come out, especially in your last two examples :) I'll make a note to go back and edit this when I have some free time and declutter it.
Thanks so much for this wonderful review, Jami!
-Amanda Report Review
Hi there! Tag!
Wow, this was such an interesting start! I've never read one that centers around Rose as an adult, and especially with so many children! And Scorpius is an Unspeakable! Very neat!
I think you did a really good job getting the story started. There's already so much to wonder about. It seems like Rose and Scorpius may be on rocky territory, but maybe that's just because the graduation was already stressful and she was worried about her little one being disappointed. It did open up a lot of good questions about their marriage and what Rose and him mean to one another.
I think that this was a very cute moment to capture as well as a serious one to show what Scorpius misses for his career. Children are so forgiving until they're disappointed too many times, then they don't even care anymore. I hope Scorpius isn't always as absent, because I can't help but feel sad for the little ones :(.
Rose seems like an incredibly loving mother! I think that fits her perfectly, and I love how much she's working to keep her kids happy.
This was an excellent start, dear!
JamiAuthor's Response: hey!
Thanks for the review!
im glad you liked it =) I tried to bring in things about their lives and give readers an idea of what their personalities.
thanks alot for the review! it really meant a bunch.
Mya Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection