Wow this was a very moving one shot. Colin's death is one that never really made me sad before Fan fiction. I think because, among the ones we'd lost, he wasn't really the top concern. Of course it was sad but nothing compared to Fred or Remus or tonks.
But this little piece really brought my sads out. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for Dennis and his family, especially when the parents knew next to nothing about the world their children lived in, the move on alert Colin's death.
I loved how you captured so much of Colin through the photographs. That's what he was. A boy behind the camera Honoring him the way Dennis is, and Dennis giving himself the chance to heal whatever he's able of his own broken heart, was such a sweet thing to write about. I love how long it took him to finally look through his brother's things. Then even longer to find a photo of him.
The ending, with Dennis recreating the self portrait Colin has, of my gosh. I wanted to cry.
Beautiful story, m'dear!Author's Response: Awh! I'm the opposite - being small, annoying and obsessed with cameras myself, I took Colin's death a little personally :P
I'm really glad this story did manage to move you - I sometimes worry that my writing is too clinical and matter-of-fact, especially with this piece.
Thank you for the lovely review! ♥ ♥ ♥ Report Review
Iím a cheater. I read ahead ;(. This is why I donít like reading ahead. It takes me too long to get back to reviewing.
I know Iíve said this a million times, but I really love the dynamic between the siblings. Lily being so sure her brother told on her, already expecting it as she came into the kitchen. Youíve made me very hungry with the start of this, by the way. And I love the sort of peace over the Potter house right now. Is everything dandy? Well, not from Lilyís PoV, but itís still a quiet Saturday morning and there arenít enough of these in stories.
Oh sheís so tangled up with Scorpius thoughts. I love her being willing to do just about anything though. I know Iíve been there, when Iím so upset about something that I just canít handle thinking about it so taking a way out of your own mind is something I wouldnít so no to. Having Lily feeling that way just felt very realistic to me. She canít really do anything right now. Sheís angry with Scorpius, sheís grounded, sheís already in over her head with all this... whatís she supposed to do to fix it? Nothing. So instead she needs a way not to think about it, and I have to say I think the way was very creative. Iím so excited to see Luna and to see her close to the Potter clan. I love Lilyís analysis of the family and Mr. Scamander being the odd one out in a family of already odd people. Iíve always seen him described as sort of nerdy, but I really love your version. In my mind, this man and Luna would make a very lovely couple.
And in one sentence:
ďSee, I knew they wouldnít be late,Ē Luna said in way of a greeting.
Youíve gotten completely to the heart of Luna, haha. That was just so right. And we get a James appearance! Hahaha I canít say Iím crazy about Liza though... Iím sure the Potters often arenít crazy about their eldest sonís girlfriends if this one is any indication of previous ones ;).
I also loved that thought Lily did seem to enjoy her party, she wasnít over the moon or anything. Like she thinks, sheís seventeen. She clearly appreciates what was done for her loved her family clan, but at the same time sheís seventeen. Not your ideal Ďget wild coming of age party.í
Okay. Iím giving myself an F for running reviews. I figured since Iíd already read the chapter it would be easier - nope. Sorry, I got too into it and now the chapters over again. Haha. This is your fault. If your writing was easier to stop reading, I would be able to comment on it.
This chapter is one that really makes me want to shout at you for not having this complete. Everything is all tangling together with the twins and Severus and the break in and Scorpius and LILYíS PARENTS NOT LISTENING TO HER. I really felt for her with that one. You know, you couldnít give me enough money to make me go back to being a teenager.
Youíve just thrown me in the middle to Ďmust know what happen,í world and Iím going to have to start poking at you after I review the next chapter. Youíre a very talented writer, you know. Iíll admit that I do enjoy your adult characters more... you have such a skill for crafting them so perfectly and making them people that Iíd want to know (or not know, in Reginaís case). But I still really love your younger characters.
Writers block please go away, please!Author's Response: lol, I'm the same way. I can't be trusted with reading ahead!
Writing Luna and James and the gang was a lot of fun. I wrote this chapter way before I started OtE, so this was my first time playing with a lot of these characters. I guess I'm lucky in that other people's characterizations don't get stuck in my head very often, which leaves me lots of room to make them act however I want :P
It didn't seem right not to mark Lily's birthday with some sort of celebration, since this is such a big one in the wizarding world. But it also didn't seem right to suddenly throw in a bunch of made-up friends we'd never heard of before for her to go off and celebrate with. I can't imagine Luna being "hip" to what anyone wants in a party, let alone a teenage girl... but Lily appreciates the gesture in a you-REALLY-shouldn't-have kind of way.
Based on the two stories, I like my adult characters better too! Part of it, I think, is that some of this was written a while ago. While you'll never get me to admit that I actually LIKE anything I've ever written, I will say I do think I've improved over time. But also, I was really bad at being a teenager. I didn't do any of the fun, rebellious stuff at ALL, so I have a harder time taping into teenage angst, I think.
Plus, logistically, it's just been harder to write. I needed Scorpius to be 18 to make all the arrest stuff work, but to stay with canon, that would make Lily 16/17, when I really see her in my head as closer to 14/15. I think I write her too young at times, but also having a 14 year old child of Harry and Ginny Potter running around unsupervised didn't seem very realistic.
Haha! Okay, I just veered way off-topic. Sorry about that. Thank you for the lovely review. I did manage to write about 300 words yesterday. Certainly not enough to knock anyone's socks off, but at least it's something!! Report Review
Hi darling! I was excited to have a reason to get back to chapter three!
There were a lot of things I really loved in this chapter. I think the you did an excellent job putting Dom in a place that feels very realistic for the situation she's been through. She's had her life completely changes and it'll never be the same again. We know it's possible to still have an incredibly decent life under these conditions, but we watched Remus ruin half of his in self hatred. I really hope Dom is able to understand what Remus never really could and accept this. She has people that really love her, and unlike Remus who lost all those people for over a decade, it seems like they're going to stand by her. And that will make all the difference, I'm sure.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, I loved that you had her still so very upset still but sort of needing to move on. Her boss is there (though I'm curious if you meant to write the woman as mean she came off as) reminding her she has an article to complete, her work needs to be done, and she's put off her boyfriend for much too long.
The comment about her scar and Teddy's thoughts felt absolutely perfect. My sister has a scar that goes from the base of her neck all the way down her back to her hips. Not a small scar, a big scar, and after. seven years, it's still something she'll get moment of insecurity about. Having an ugly bite mark in such a fragile and delicate place would be a big deal to the person wearing it, so I'm really happy you didn't gloss over that.
The memory with Dom and Teddy + Victoire and bf, was really sweet and I loved seeing how they started dating. If felt a bit formal at times, nothing that turned me off or anything.
The only thing I'd really suggest is in your last section, and that's to clarify if she's still in the hospital or has gone home. It felt like at the end of the first section that since she's going back to work soon, she'd be well enough to head home. So when that last section started her I imagined her as being home. But then I thought it was odd that Fleur and Bill hadn't insisted on being with her or her coming to stay with them, and that's when I realized she may still be in St. Mungo's :P. Maybe just saying something small at the start like, 'reading the material she'd had brought from her flat to the hospital..' Just to continue giving you reading a clear picture of where we are.
Awesome chapter as always, m'dear! ♥Author's Response: Hey hon! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Sorry for the late response.
I am glad you found a lot of things likeable in this chapter. Yes, Dom's life will never be the same again and I tried to portray her thoughts as realistically as possible. Well, whether Dom accepts it or not, we'll only find out in the very later chapters.
I exactly meant to write her boss the way she came across, and you'll see why in the next 2-3 chapters. Indeed, Dom now needs to start dealing with things, especially since more 'stuff' is coming along the way.
I always believe that scars, being physical reminders of what we've endured, can have huge impacts on people, so I included that for Dom. Pleased you liked it =)
I am glad you liked the memory as well. I'll try to go back and edit out the formality.
Um, actually Dominique is back at home and I hinted that in various places, like-
"Dominique stared at the blank wall in front of her silently, perched on the edge of her handsome black couch."
"As she allowed her gaze to wander around her living room, a sigh escaped her."
"After she had been discharged and allowed to move back into her home, a stream of people kept coming to visit her every few hours or so."
Isn't it clear enough through these sentences that she's back home?
Thanks for all your lovely comments! Report Review
Hi darling! Iím here for your review. First of all with your AoC about not knowing how the piece comes across to readers - I think itís really, really heartbreaking. I canít imagine there being much more painful than your spouse of so long not only forgetting you, but disliking you, and I think you got that across really beautifully in this. Your writing as clean and intriguing, and I never had to try and force myself to imagine what was going on so your imagery did itís job.
Starting it through the nurseís eyes was really clever and I loved the way you made it clear where Bill was and why without giving us an ungodly amount of unnecessary information. I did feel like the part where you brought up the Dark Lord was a bit rough. Considering the nurse is a woman who wasnít involved in it, this:
Even in old age, when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, horrific memories still brought these to the surface. The war was always at the edge of their thoughts: Lord Voldemortís face leered behind every crisp white curtain, the Dark Mark was carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather...
Felt too sudden. Maybe just rewording it so it doesnít seem as matter of fact that the residence would get these thoughts about the dark lord. Something like: when people began the constant battle against the decay of their bodies and their minds, it seemed that horrific memories were the first to surface. Many of the residents from Britain fought against their nightmares about the years that Lord Voldemort had been in power, and often said they saw his face leering behind the crisp, white curtains or the Dark Mark carved into the beautiful wooden grandfather cloth...
Considering so far this story is being told through the eyes of the nurse as she sees her residents, I think that would keep in more in line. It makes it clear the residents think about all this when their minds start losing control, but keeps constant with your later statement that this nurse wasnít alive during that time.
I loved, loved the line that you used as your summary. It felt just perfect where you placed it. One thing I would suggest is adding a page break, either with the line or a * after that sentence. You switch into Billís thoughts at this point and away from the nurses, so this would help break it up and make it clear to the reader that youíre altering something.
I have nothing to CC on regarding your memories that Bill was thinking of about his love for Fleur. The kind of wife she used to be is exactly how Iíd imagined her and it makes it so much more painful to think of how they are now. You switched smoothly from thought to thought, painting us such a clear picture of what their life was like together without over doing. I thin you did a really, really lovely job with that.
This story was incredible engrossing. It made sense and I believe you hit the feelings you wanted to. I can very much see these characters age this way, although we never want to imagine Fleur forgetting Bill. The small details you added, like Billís earring and Fleur blaming him wondering if he took her necklace, all gave the characters plenty to make them feel canon. Aged canon, but canon.
Awesome job, mídear! I hope I was helpful, and good luck on the challenge!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello, thank you so much for such a long and thoughtful review!! :) It's so great to get this feedback on the story, and that the mood of the one-shot was very sad which was what I was of course going for! I also thought that the situation would be so sad, especially for a couple like Bill and Fleur who went through so much at such a young age.
I'm glad that you liked how it started through the nurse's POV- I wanted to emulate a little the third-person narrative JKR begins some of the books with, such as her description of the Dursleys at the beginning of Philosopher's Stone, haha. That's an excellent point you've made about the sudden introduction of the Voldy stuff, and I definitely agree and will be editing soon to polish that up. So thank you!! :) This is why reviews are so great, to tell writers things we don't always notice about our own writing!
Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, and it's wonderful to hear that you thought it stayed true to canon. Thank you for taking the time to leave me such a kind and helpful review, it made me very happy!!! :D
Hi there! I got your message and wanted to stop by!
This is a really sweet story and I think the lyrics for it fit perfectly. Song fics are definitely a challenge but you did really well on this!
I think starting with the two of them meeting in the slug club was a good idea. You might have a few people that have an issue with it because Draco wasn't in the club, but I don't think it matters and it starts for a really logical way of how they'd have gotten close.
You definitely show a softer side of Draco in this. His and Astoria's conversation in the astronomy tower was very powerful. It was a different Draco than we're used to seeing but it was still so nice to watch them be so open with one another! And the way you continued to move the time line along with the song felt very realistic.
I think Draco's worry in the battle was expressed really well. I loved seeing him so concerned for Astoria's safety and protecting the boy he questioned, and it made the wedding day years from that point even more special &heart;
The after battle scene was almost surreal. If fit really well with how you'd imagine something like that feeling and I love that Astoria was worried about interrupting. You write her in such a sweet and awesome way.
I do have a few comments that are a bit more CC, I hope you don't mind. This was a really really lovely one shot, carefully written with no grammar issues. Feel free to ignore what I say next because it's mainly just opinion stuff.
One thing that allows us to get attached to people and really believe in their bond is by seeing what they can withstand together. We understand they're in a difficult time with the war and everything, but that's sort of glossed over. Maybe showing more of it as opposed to telling would help? Like, instead of you narrating that Draco was having a hard time with his mission by Voldemort you could have him talking with Astoria about it. We could be part of the pain and frustration he feels instead of it being narrated to us. Little things like that throughout really might take this story the extra mile. The other thing that I wanted to mention was Narcissa's behavior. Her actions were incredibly sweet at the end and I do think what she went though and almost lost may be enough to force her to see her wrong doing and wanting to help. I just felt like maybe you could keep her more in character if she was offering the manor but also wanting something in return. What if she bargains for the manor in trade for her, her son, and Lucius to all be pardoned of their trial for the war? That would make us feel like she's changed enough to really be making progress but no so dramatically that it feels a bit fast.
Okay I did this review on my iPhone some hope there aren't too may typos :P
This was such a sweet story and I loved reading your take on how these two fell in love ♥
JamiAuthor's Response: thank you so much for your lovely and constructive review- it truly made my day!
I did take your advice about Narcissa and edited the story a little to show that her ego, rather than her maternal instinct was what fueled her offer, and I am going to try to fill in a short draco struggling scene.
Also, I know Draco wasn't in the slug club initially, but I do like to think that during his seventh year at Hogwarts, Slughorn was trying to make nice with some of the more powerful students in order to protect himself either way.
Again, thank you so much for this incredible review!
~M Report Review
Hi darling! I glanced over this story when I was assigning you and Alli as a pairing. I really try and assign stories that I think one another will like, and your style reminded me as hers. Anyway, I got really interested in this when I was glancing through it and then I couldn't pass up reviewing when I noticed you on tag!
Anyway, something that I love most about the constant story telling through the number of chops. It was so gruesome but so heartbreaking, and not gruesome in a... over the top sort of way. You made this story incredibly realistic which makes it all that more amazing.
The crowd trickling off as the chops passed may have been my favorite part. They wanted to watch something intense and fast and. done. But seeing him die like this, slowly, almost like there's no climax to it, didn't interest them. It's terrible how much human nature can love misery, but we've known it to happen time and time again. With public executions and hangings and floggings... but the fact that it's always happened doesn't make it any less terrifying.
Then when the executioner himself started weakening, unable to perform his task, inexperience... my gosh. You made me feel bad for the man killing another innocent man! What are you doing to me!!!
Your writing in this was really superb. It captivated me from start to finish!
Awesome job!Author's Response: Hi!
I'm so amazed to get this review from you because you're such a wonderful writer yourself! This really made my day!
I was afraid at times that this could seem over the top with the axe strokes and some of the gore (I was wincing myself writing some of that!) so I'm pleased that you didn't think it was.
The crowd's reaction was really important for me to include. It's always been incomprehensible to me that people consider executions to be entertainment, but sadly, like you said, it's happened throughout history.
I'm so happy that you felt bad for the executioner! To begin with he was a faceless figure in my mind, but once I started writing he was a character who really wrote himself. The mistake with the blunt axe is something only a very inexperienced executioner could do, and as a result I don't think that couldn't affect him.
Thank you so much for this amazing review - you really did make my day!
nott theodore :) Report Review
Hi love! I'm so sorry for how long it's taken me to get here. I'm sort of in a blurry state of blur from Thursday until Saturday trying to post, but now I am here and yay! I even resisted reading this chapter the other night in bed, not wanting to read it until I had the chance to review.
I want to hug Johanna. What she went through is so sad, and her choice understandable. Though I feel like she' the type of person that did what she had to and, for the most part, closed the doors to that part of her life. Those brief memories will come back at terrible moments, but other than that she's managed to separate herself from that. Still, I want to hug her :P.
I thought you wrote the entire section of murdering Jean's uncle really, really well. I loved knowing who had the different parts and was incredibly engrossed with the way you were describing the effects of Polyjuice potion on each. The poisoned rag was so sneaky... and I love the way you ended an already tense section in chaos.
Describing the way each of them looked as they walked into the Ministry was absolutely perfect. I loved that they all sort of fit in in their own way, as well as that disgust for how people live in such poverty while these people are in nothing but luxury. I really enjoy the amount of time we spent in Johanna's head during this chapter. She might be my favorite so far.
Camille's anger! Amazing! Can you blame her, though? I can't see being thrilled either, and I'm happy she took it out on Jean instead of Astrid.
Ending this chapter on such a tense note, leaving us to imagine what those files could say (though you give us hints to make it clear it's something dark enough to make our gang question what they're doing) was both awesome and infuriating. I want to know what happens next!
Awesome chapter, m'dear!! ♥Author's Response: &hearts
Writing Johanna's flashback in this chapter made me feel really horrible, because while I do enjoy making some characters suffer, this is not the case in this story - the context does that without me. Hug her as much as you like!
Yeah, the Ministry isn't really as fair as it seems to be in chapter one, is it? I had to balance them out though, and I also wanted to show that generally those ith power are less affected by wars than other people.
Ah, Camille! She most definitely was not going to take it out on Astrid - poor girl doesn't even fully know what hit her yet.
Thank you for the review Jami, I will update this soon!
Hi Kiana!! Regulus is a really fascinating character to me, so I was really excited to see this!
I think the constant metaphor of the stars was so well done. Obviously it fits because of their names, but more than that you give it so much significance with the dimming of light in Regulus. It's usually set the opposite way, with Regulus being the bright star and Sirius being the dim one who could never compete, but seeing the opposite here with Regulus thinking of his brother as the brother one was very creative!
I love your idea of him wanting to make Sirius proud. I wish so much he'd have had the chance to find out his was his brother who risked his life, well, lost his life to get he Horcrux. It makes me so sad that Sirius died never knowing what Regulus did :(
I love the desperate tone you've created this entire piece in. It matches really well with what I would think Regulus would be feeling those last few days.
Regulus's thoughts about Bellatrix and about realizing that he wasn't taking the world to a brighter place, but a darker, was really eerie. I think seeing how Bella behaves through another's eyes is super fascinating. The section you have about him watching her eyes light up (or something similar) when she kills... oh wow. That was just awesome.
I think the pressure his family put on him to be the Black who helped restore the world would have really driven him to signing his life away to Voldemort. He just wanted to make everyone proud, and you highlight that so well in this one shot. But in the end the only person he wants to make proud is Sirius. Ahh you're drowning me in feels, here!
This was really beautiful, Kiana! ♥Author's Response: Jami! This was a lovely surprise :D
I'm so glad that you liked the metaphor of the stars, as it seemed so fitting! I've never seen it done the other way round, but it seemed to make sense to do it this way, as Regulus did gradually fade from existence.
I agree about Sirius not knowing about what Regulus did, I think that's possible one of the most tragic things throughout the entire book. I really do hope that he wanted to make Sirius proud, as it would show he wasn't just a death eater.
I'm so glad that you liked the Bellatrix scene, as you write her so well! It just seemed to make sense that he would have looked up to her, and thought she was doing the right thing, and for the relisation to all come crumbling down.
I think the only person Regulus loved in the end was Sirius, so I'm so glad that you loved that part, as I found their relationship so interesting! I'm sorry I drowned you in feels!
Thank you for this wonderful review Jami! Report Review
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! So I was searching through the people who have yet to leave reviews, but then decided for such a special birthday i wanted to leave it myself ♥
I hope today is all about you and that you get to have some serious fun, and get lovely presents and cake!!! hehe!!
This was such a sweet one shot. I like that you used just a small thing that most people don't think about, getting one another Christmas gifts, and gave it its very own one shot. Christmas is already such a romantic time that I just felt myself get all fuzzy and feelsy.
The fun banter at the start with Sirius teasing Lily and James, then between Moony and Sirius, was so awesome. I loved that Remus was looking up the laws regarding Sirius's flying motorbike. It seems so Remus-sh, and then even better that Sirius hadn't even asked him to look it up. Haha! They're the best, this group is.
Sirius's impatient nature was so fun to watch coming through in this. His constant need to be doing something, whether it's teasing his friends or passing the ball back and forth. And then I was really happy when you added Peter in as Lily and James were going upstairs!
The gifts were so sweet. I think it's so hard to think of presents, and I love how personable you made both gifts. The nervousness that Lily felt upon giving James his was so precious. I just wanted to hug her.
This was such a delightful little one shot, Adele ♥!!! It's smooth and sweet, although it did make me want Christmas time to come back!
Happy birthday, lovely ♥ Report Review
First to address your comments in your AN: I LOVE following the dialogue. I think you write it with a very smooth touch. There are enough tags to understand who is saying what, but you donít over to it or make it feel monotonous at all. Darcy is a really fun outside perspective considering the rest of our MCís are all related. I loved her thoughts about the flower box. I totally thought how funny it would be if they were their Ďnameí flowers, so when they were and she basically thought, Ďreally?í I totally Lolíd. Darcy and I are going to continue getting along very well, I think.
Later in the chapter, Dominiqueís evaluation of why the two work well together with their contrasting appearances, at least to the public eye, was so awesome! It made perfect sense. Every man is attracted to a certain kind of woman, even if itís the sort of woman heíd never want to actually be involved with but is really intrigued by. Iíd even go as far to say every woman has a specific kind of woman they want to be like. Some days you might want to be all Angelina Jolie or Keira Knightly hard core, other days you might wish you were more softer and just a naturally charismatic person like Rachel McAdams. I never really thought of how genius it was to have both kinds of women working along side one another for their modeling, but it really is! Maybe you should be an agent :P.
Darcy was clearly out of her comfort zone but still acted perfectly natural. You can tell she doesnít love to be surrounded by divas, but she still plays the part well and itís necessary to further her career. Sheís devoted to what she does, though she currently isnít loving exactly what that is, and she isnít this socially awkward person who canít handle these kind of situations. I really, really love that because I feel like so many OCís have been cropping up as these quirky girls who stammer their way through situations but are still adorable. Not that thereís anything wrong with that, but Darcy feels a million times more realistic. More than that, I actually found myself liking her. The sort of, Ďthis girl would be nice to be friends with,í kind of life.
Iím excited to watch her and Albusís next encounter! You set up just enough, hmmm without making it feel *too* set up. I think that theyíre really going to enjoy one another, these two :D!
I really enjoyed this chapter and hope it doesnít take nearly as long for me to get back for the next!
Also, you write these fluffier, easier sort of scenes really well. Youíre a very diverse author, miss Amanda.Author's Response: Ooh, that's great! This story is more dialogue heavy than a lot of my others, I think, and so I was worried that it would be too monotonous. It seems like it would be odd to be on the outside of the Potter-Weasley gang and to interact with so many of them at one time, particularly with Darcy being as awkward as she is at times. I love that you had a similar reaction to the flowers as her :)
Hah, I'll add 'modeling agent' to my list of back-up careers... though between you and me, just the motivation of wanting to stick it to my advisor is enough to make me want to finish the one I'm in! :D It's great that you like the idea of Lily and Rose's double act. I do think their differing personalities could enable them to become anything they needed to be for a particular photo shoot or runway show.
For some reason having an awkward main character seems to be integral to writing a next-gen story. It is comforting to hear that the sort of awkward I chose is at least realistic. She can still suck it up and deal with things at work that annoy her, and she's not falling over herself so much that she can't deliver a smooth line or enjoy a moment from time to time. I'm very proud of how she turned out and I think she's a bit like me, though I say that about most of my characters.
It's really great that you are enjoying the story so far and feel like I've pulled it off well. I'm so excited to hear what you think as you continue through the rest. Thanks again, dear!
-Amanda Report Review
Ohh what a terrifying way you've started us out, m'dear!
I've never read something that showed what happened the moment she'd decided to take ranks among the death eaters, and I love the irony of it being Rodolphus that led her there. I'm sure if he understood how enamored his young wife would be with Voldemort he'd never had made that first step of connecting the two.
The idea of Bellatrix enjoying that someone has the power to look into her mind and see the things that maybe she doesn't want to admit or doesn't want to accept is really creative as well. I can't imagine the impression she must've made on Voldemort as well as the present company to be asked a private moment with him... and of course to actually walk from that private moment alive :P
I love how everything in this first chapter tied into one another. Andromeda leaving, Bellatrix being unable to standing being in the house with her moping sister, her heightened distaste for Mudbloods because of Andromeda, and finally all of that forming together and creating some of the puzzle pieces that got here where she is.
This was a really interesting start, dark and creepy just like the woman herself!!
I'm excited to see what's next :)Author's Response: I'm so happy you enjoyed the brief excursion into the dark and twisted mind of Bellatrix. I gave myself the creeps writing it, I'll tell you!
I wanted to explore what happened in the exact moment when she first met him, because as I imagine it, Voldemort was rather charming back then. Nothing like a pretty face to get you to commit mass-murder. And I also thought of a trigger. As seen in the books, the purebloods don't really care about much as long as it leaves them alone. And since none of the Blacks besides Regulus were actually Death Eaters, something needed to have happened to throw Bellatrix of the deep end.
Again, thank you for the lovely comment. Coming from you, it's the best compliment! Thank you lovely! Report Review
Hi darling! I was very excited when you request this. Mainly because I love reading fellow Gryffies work, but now that I've read the first chapter I'm even more excited because of how different this story is!
To address your first concern of this being too information heavy: No, I don't think so at all. I think you've set Emily in a perfect position to be dwelling on this. The last day of school after two terrible years of teaching seems like it would put anyone into an introspective kind of mood, and I think you really moved her train of thought along well. There were a few parts that I think felt unnecessary. Mainly when she was talking about her year on the run. I think that instead of her thinking of what the facts to to (she'd been on the run, she'd met up with people, Snatchers occasionally found them, and so on) you should focus on her feelings. We know what is was like for a Muggle-born on the run during the HP series, so we don't need the added bit about snatchers and such. I think instead if you ever wanted to edit this you could focus on what it was like for her to not know where her next meal would come from, being so cold and tired and sick of it all. You do that a bit at the end, but I think you could make it primarily about that. Wanting to stop fighting, to let yourself just be done with it all, is a really powerful sentiment so I think surrounding that in all the things that drove her to feeling, instead of just the facts, would be really powerful in that paragraph!
I love that Emily has lost so much spark. That sounds mean, right? But I'm thinking this story will be about her finding that spark again, about recovering and moving on and learning to be Emily again, so starting her out in such a dull sort of feeling, almost like she's on autopilot and has to remain that way to get through the day was absolutely an awesome choice. That gives you so much room to build her character back up, to let her grow into a person who has a passion for life again, and eek that all just makes me so excited!
Her realization at the start of the story about it being *her* that is making the class boring was really awesome, as well. I also think that you could really tie in that first section and all her thoughts about the war if you could insert something during the first part when she's still with her students about her feeling like if maybe if they understood how lucky they are to be alive during this time, if they understood what everyone had to sacrifice to get them in that school and free, maybe they'd pay more attention. That would kind of build her feelings later in the chapter up, so we'd really understand how much the war has changed her.
To be honest, all the things I'm pointing out are just suggestions for an already amazing start. You can not listen to any bit of what I've said and leave the first chapter how it is, and it would still be a really intriguing beginning.
Oh! And McGongall! She felt perfectly fine to me. I think that you put her in a good balance between being the McGongall we see with students and the one we'd imagine with colleagues. Not bright or bubbly or anything, but not as stern as she is with students. A very good combination!! I also liked that she believed in Emily so severely. That made me want to believe in her, which already made me feel like I was getting attached.
This is a really lovely start, and I hope I was able to be helpful!! Please feel free to request for the next chapter ♥
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing this :) I really appreciate your comments and it gave me lots to think about.
I'm glad you don't think this chapter is information heavy, I guess you just hear a lot of "make your first chapter catchy, reel your audience in" blah blah blah so when I wrote a non-action first chapter that's all this internal moping, I worried that it might not work, but it does seem to set the tone.
You know, I hadn't thought about the whole reflections being purely about her actions/facts and not her feelings. I might have a little look at that section and see if there's some tweaking I can do, although I don't want to put too great a focus on her feelings at this point, because the plan is for her feelings to seep out slowly throughout the story, almost like she's hidden them away from herself but they start to escape. So there may not be a lot I can change there but I'll have a look at it all the same. It's always good to look at things with fresh eyes I think.
lol...not mean at all about Emily losing her spark. As the story progresses you see just how much spark she has lost - almost like who she is and who she was are two different people! This story is definitely about the rebuilding of a person who had been deeply affected by war, I mean yes there's a little bit of romance and a bit of action planned, but essentially this story is about Emily's journey. I'm glad you picked that up :)
When I wrote that bit about her class being boring, it made me smile. :) I think it's a good demonstration of how low Emily's self esteem is - how little she thinks of herself. That's a really interesting suggestion about tying in her thoughts about the war with her thoughts about the kids being bored, but unfortunately I don't think it would work, mostly because I think it would be out of character for Emily to think that way. Whilst she does get cross with her students and blame things on them sometimes, she mostly sees her student's lack of interest as her own fault. She places a lot of blame on herself (something that's explored in further chapters) and believes that her classes are boring because she's a terrible teacher. Also, I suppose this isn't obvious yet, but Emily doesn't see the war as something to be proud of - for her it is a source of fear and nightmares. Oh and this class is sixth year so they would have actually been first years during the war/at the time of the Battle of Hogwarts...I think. I need to get my timeline sorted out properly but I'm pretty sure that's right. But like I said, thank you for the suggestion all the same :)
Oh I'm so pleased you liked McGonagall...I think she's the thing I'm most worried about in this whole story! I will be interested to see what you think of my characterisation of her as the chapters progess though.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this awesome review. It was so helpful and really did make me think about aspects of this chapter that I hadn't considered before. It also helped me to think about my main character and why she acts and thinks the way she does, which was actually really encouraging because it made me realise I have a pretty deep understanding of Emily.
Really, thanks again and I'll request the next chapter once your review thread is empty :) Report Review
Amanda! Hi m'dear ♥ Well, at least your advisor has done ONE good thing since working with you. This one shot is incredibly intriguing.
I'm so behind on your new short stories, and it made me so happy to see you request! I feel like there's so much I need to be doing all the time that opening a thread back up felt like the only way I'd get myself to review, haha. ANYWAY I'm really excited you requested this one shot. It's more of the classic Amanda work I love so much, though a bit less abstract than some of your other pieces.
I love that you took into account the fact that Lavender wouldn't have gotten away with either life or death. It wasn't that simple, and instead she's been left in the sort of limbo between being not quite human but not quite werewolf that we watched Bill enter into. But Bill had the support of his family and unwavering love of his fiance. What does Lavender have? A dream long gone of being the princess in the fairy tale. That's so, so sad.
Maybe if she would have had someone to care for her the way she's able to use the potion to alter her brain and care for herself, she would never have felt the desperation of this. She just wants to look at herself and see someone beautiful, someone charming that could be the desire of every man around, and the love potion does that. She doesn't deal with her feelings of inadequacy, she covers them up. I love that. I love that she clearly hasn't come to terms with anything, because even surviving through what she's been part of would be hard enough. Surviving it without someone like the strength of the Weasley clan would be damn near impossible, and the idea of her needing that potion just to pretend for a while that she's the best version of herself is twisted in the same that that it's inventive. For both of you! Instead of letting herself live in this sort of hate, she's found a way to be everything she wants. It's a messed up and unhealthy way, sort of like an alcoholic that uses it to dull their pain, but it's still a way.
You said you wanted to know if this made sense, but now I'm over here questioning if my review even makes sense :P. The story made perfect sense to me, so I don't see why it wouldn't to other people. You leave enough clues to tell what she is and to make it clear that she isn't a full werewolf. I also love the idea of it being the full moon that induces either this further hate of herself, making her need to create the potion, or induces the need to love herself more. I'm not sure which it is, but either way it's still a really creative idea.
The only thing that I could spot CC wise in this is that there's a bit of excess commas. But I'm terrible at actually understanding what is too much... There were just times that I felt like it would have flowed smoother without a few. Like:
--When I was a little girl, I used to read and re-read Beauty and the Beast.
I think this first sentence would feel more fluid without that first comma.
--Some months, I am weakened, and I sit and stare at the stars, a book open in my lap and Professor Trelawneyís voice in my head.
--For a while, I would wrap the bottle up in ribbons and make a show of presenting it to myself, just to make sure it would work.
I think both first commas in these two sentences make it feel a little clunky, as well.
Like I said I am far from understanding the best way to use commas and am just now training comma splices out of myself, so feel free to ignore that. Those were just a few places that felt more complicated than necessary because of the comma.
This was really beautiful and dark one shot, Amanda. Not that I'd expect anything less from you ;). I think you should start making writing a priority every time you can't sleep! ♥Author's Response: Ugh, blame my advisor for why it took me five days to respond to this. But thank you, love! :D I feel like I haven't talked to you much lately and I miss you, and I just couldn't resist the opportunity to get your opinion on this piece. (And I know I've said this every which way I can, but it's my full intention to catch up on Before They Fall at some point, hopefully over the summer.)
It's so great that you caught the similarity I tried to pose between Lavender's condition and Bill's after the war. You're totally right that there is a major difference between them due to the contrast between having a huge Weasley support system and having no one. I definitely viewed the potion as being like alcohol or a drug, in that Lavender uses it to numb herself to sleep and try to capture that feeling of love that she's never experienced.
I'm glad you feel like this piece makes sense. I had gotten a few people who seemed to miss that Lavender wasn't a full werewolf--I tried to allude to that in her comment about Greyback, but it seemed like people saw that as being a sort of suicide wish, which wasn't exactly what I meant to convey. I just meant that if she was a full werewolf, she would at least not be in this terrible limbo state. As for the ending, I think that self-hatred is always there under the surface, but the full moon makes her moody and irritable, which really brings it out and causes her to feel restless.
I seem to overuse commas; I think it's because I get annoyed when I read stories with endless run-on, comma-free sentences. You're probably right that some of those could come out, especially in your last two examples :) I'll make a note to go back and edit this when I have some free time and declutter it.
Thanks so much for this wonderful review, Jami!
-Amanda Report Review
Hi there! Tag!
Wow, this was such an interesting start! I've never read one that centers around Rose as an adult, and especially with so many children! And Scorpius is an Unspeakable! Very neat!
I think you did a really good job getting the story started. There's already so much to wonder about. It seems like Rose and Scorpius may be on rocky territory, but maybe that's just because the graduation was already stressful and she was worried about her little one being disappointed. It did open up a lot of good questions about their marriage and what Rose and him mean to one another.
I think that this was a very cute moment to capture as well as a serious one to show what Scorpius misses for his career. Children are so forgiving until they're disappointed too many times, then they don't even care anymore. I hope Scorpius isn't always as absent, because I can't help but feel sad for the little ones :(.
Rose seems like an incredibly loving mother! I think that fits her perfectly, and I love how much she's working to keep her kids happy.
This was an excellent start, dear!
Jami Report Review
It has taken me entirely too long to get here but yay Iím here!
I think this is one of those moments in Snapeís life that people tend to stay away from. The kind of pain he mustíve been in is unfathomable. Then not living to see everything they had set place fall together (he and Dumbledore that is) and it being a snake bites of all things that does him in... thereís just so much that I canít imagine knowing where to begin.
The idea that Snape has been taken back to a more happy place in his own memory, somewhere that his life hasnít taken all the turns it did and heís still left with Lily, is such a sweet one. I canít imagine him dreaming of anything other than the small moments of happiness he and Lily shared, and I think you chose those so perfectly.
Just being around her, getting to know her, having her there in Hogwarts and working side by side, it all makes you wonder how he could have ever chosen his friends over her. But still, even in this, sheís never fully his. Theyíre young and friends and cares about each other, and itís obvious he wants so much more of her, that maybe never being able to have that made him choose not severing his friendship with the DE in favor of theirs. Or maybe he just thought he needed some sense of power after being made powerless for so long.
This one shot really makes you think about the sort of pain Severus must have spent his life in. Your AN says exactly what Iím thinking; heís such a complex character.
I think youíve written this in such a gorgeous style. You donít slip into Severusís cold nature at all, but you also donít make him too loving. You balanced a perfect line, and that combined with your really lovely writing just made this such an awesome read.
I canít wait to see what you come up with next! ♥Author's Response: Hi Jami!
I actually really like reading stories about Snape's death because it seems like this is one of the only times we get to see who he truly is. He doesn't have a mask up when he talks to Harry for the last time, and that's one of the reasons I love this moment. I'm really glad you enjoyed the memories I chose of Snape and Lily together. I think Snape probably thought about all of the heartbreak in his life much more than these more simple times, but in his death his happy memories of Lily could really help him find peace.
I agree, it is hard to imagine why Snape would ever chose his friends over Lily. I think maybe Snape figured Lily would come around and he would be able to have both. I really don't think he ever thought it through fully. I'm so glad you thought the characterization of Snape was okay. It was difficult to find that balance between trying to stick to canon but also showing a more warm side of his personality. Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Good gracious, finally! Hi ♥ Have I told you recently that Astoria and Draco are hands down the best characters I think you portray? Thatís a huge deal, because I thought you wrote the trio like JKR herself. But Draco is so difficult, then we have no idea what Astoria is. But youíve created a person that fits Draco without being a ton like Draco. You just blow my mind with this story. And now Iím going to attempt the actual review.
I donít even want to think about wedding planning. Not even a tiny bit. Feeling Astoriaís pain here, and you havenít made me excited for when I finally decide to pick a date and get to work, haha. Umm. her dress sounds. lovely. Just lovely. Iím going to say this was all created from Danís brain and not something your wife actually put her brideís maids/maid of honor in? Haha!
I love that you have the fitting going on in the Greengrassís home. It makes perfect sense. With that kind of money, youíd hope you could get the dresses and the fitting brought to your mansion, but I feel like this is something that not everyone, or hardly anyone, would keep in mind when writing the scene. It just served as an excellent reminder to Astoriaís class, and kept everything realistic considering that class.
Ohh Astoria is such a sweet mixture of personalities. I love that you donít forget sheís a teenager, but you still hold her in the place of good daughter that does what mommy and daddy say. Then, when she finds herself not wanting to do what they say, you can feel her mixture of shame and excitement. You know what they say, girls go kind of crazy when they hit seventeen. I just hope that sheís able to go about convincing her family that Draco isnít like they think instead of doing something rash. But I would like to see her act on these more... free spirited thoughts, so I think Iíll be more than thrilled with whatever happens.
Again, you show what a sweet daughter she is when her and her mother first started speaking. You know, I really canít blame her for her reaction. I think I would have reacted the same way, and I wanted to throw a fit right along with her. Itís bad enough being told who she canít date, but now to be told who she has to let attend the wedding with her?? Being a teenage girl really is hard :(
The letter! Itís just so perfect. It holds enough back that she isnít acting too serious too fast, but also gives enough to sort of... place a few of her cards on the table. I really love these two, you know.
Oh I donít even know what to think, Daniel. Iím almost angry at Draco for playing into them , because Iím afraid things will get back to everyone. We know how it works in these small circles. But like he said, did he really have that much of a choice?
On the other hand, I LOVE the irony of this all. Dracoís tactic to let Blaise think what he wanted, and word things in a way that didnít make them untrue but didnít make them seem like they were were. it was all just the perfect game to play. Iím worried about what the old cronies will say though. And really, how are they stupid enough to think that they could do something the Dark Lord failed? I almost with Bellatrix was still alive to curse them just for thinking things like that.
You put me in quite a tense mood during this last section. Usually Iím excited about the wait for the next chapter, and when I finally talk you into emailing me a bit over, but all I wanted to do was click up and over to the next chapter. I could go refill my coffee... sit back and read hours of Draco and Astoria right now. You know, the more I talk about this, the more I want to email you and tell you itís time to pick up the pace. Wife? Work? Twin boys? PFF. Itís all about Draco and Astoria and Jamiís need to read their full story, right now!
Hehe. ♥Author's Response: Hellooo, Jami!
I, um... I don't know quite what to think about the idea that Draco and Astoria are my best work. I guess I have probably written more about them than any other couple. Hmmnn... something to think about.
Anyway, I'm glad that the dress fitting sounded like the right sort of setting for a wealthy, somewhat stuff, traditional old family. I wanted to make Daphne's bridesmaid dresses the stuff of nightmares, because that's just how I think of her. She isn't going to spare her bridesmaids one bit of discomfort in her pursuit of the "perfect" wedding. And you're right about the fitting being in the Greengrass home. Part of the point was to emphasize that Astoria comes from a great deal of money.
When I read back over the first six chapters of the story, I realized that Astoria had been coming off as pretty mature for her age, not that there's anything wrong with that, per se. In this chapter, I did want to remind everyone that she is sixteen years old. There's still a lot going on inside her head and the way she reacts to situations in the sanctity of her own home can be different from how she reacts to them in public. She loves her parents, but she's very upset with them right now. She's caught between the values that she was raised to believe in -- respect for her elders and her family traditions -- and the reality that she's falling in love with a man who her parents do not approve of. I'm glad that somebody can confirm that being a teenage girl isn't easy, because it looks really difficult to me.
Whew. I'm glad you liked the balance I struck with the letter. I wanted it to be brief but expressive, with just a bit of a leading statement at the end.
Draco is walking a very tricky line in this chapter, and I'm sorry to say that it will get worse before it gets better. He needs certain things from his former friends, and since we're talking about Slytherins, nothing comes for free. He's definitely running the risk of something bad getting back to Astoria's parents, but he doesn't really have much choice. You've only seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to just how deluded Zabini and the others are. More to come...
All I can say is that I'm working on it. Life is always busy, but hopefully I can find more time to write over the next few days. Thanks so much for all of your support and awesome reviews! Report Review
Ashley!! This is so very sad but so beautiful at the same time.
I really hate the idea of Ginny being completely fine after Harry left. When authors show her just strong and ready to take it all on because she's tough and can, that dehumanizes her for me. So to read this moment of real pain and weakness, when she isn't tough and she isn't independent, when all she wants is Harry by her side, was just perfect. She doesn't want to be Ginny Weasley, kick butt youngest sister and start Quidditch player. She just wants to be a girl who gets to hug her boyfriend and not watch him walk away.
I loved that her self pity didn't last too long, as well. It happened and it was intense, and it will probably happen again, but she's realized that committing herself to loving Harry means this kind of pain and loneliness. If she can just stick by him, it will all be worth it.
I always wondered if she felt left out for not really being part of the trio. Brother of one, close friend of another, and love interest of the third, but still not on the inside of it all. She was never told about all the things happening, and I love that you have that not usually upsetting her -- the thing that separated her from them -- but in this case it just kills her. She didn't want to be left all alone not knowing where they were going, not knowing when she'd see him next.. ;(. I'm getting so sad for her, and I NEVER get sad for Ginny!
In the end, when she left this heart crushing sort of thing pass and then picked herself back up and made herself realize it was time to get on with her life, to be the strength that she'd have to have, ahhh that was just so perfect. You're awesome, you know?
I'm so mushy and feelsy now ♥ this was beautiful.Author's Response: Aww Jami!
I'm glad that you found my little one shot here.
I don't think that Ginny would be 100% alright with everything. I think that JKR wrote her as this really strong character sometimes without showing any vulnerability and so it was important for me to show that in this chapter. Because it honestly sucks when you get left behind.
And I agree with you, I don't think that Ginny would sit around and feel sorry for herself for that long. I think she's a bit like me, because that's what I do. I sit down, and I have my 10 minutes of crying after he leaves, and then I'm done! And maybe I still get sad from time to time, but my tears are mostly done after that 10 minutes. So that's kind of how I modeled Ginny and I think that's really how her character actually would be!
I'm actually not a big Ginny fan but here I found it really easy to relate. I agree, I never really get sad for Ginny either, but here I definitely do.
I'm glad you liked this story so much, it's one that I really writing and it's one of my favorite one shots :)
You! You are a naughty author for leaving me at this! You understand that, right? Okay. I'm going to try and back up and review this form the start before I start saying HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US LIKE THAT.
I really enjoyed the private moment that they shared on the deck. And even more than that, I LOVED your decision not to have Jeremy spill his darkest secret just yet. Well, not dark, but you know what I mean. It wouldn't have been bad, but it would have felt too soon. I wouldn't have felt like I'd gotten a chance to see what they did to deserve this kind of honesty with one another, but then you gave me that by the end of the chapter so that made me even MORE thrilled that you've held off on spilling the wizard secret.
Mathilda is really likeable. Elizabeth is too, but in a different way. Mathilda is just very sweet and I want to hug her. Elizabeth I want to be bffs with :P.
My heart sunk when the knock came at the door. We knew what it would be for, but that doesn't mean it made it any easier to accept. I really believed there for a moment that everything could go off without a hitch. Mathilda could get into the lifeboat and Jeremy would portkey or apparate or something him and Elizabeth away. No my stomach is in knots and I'm going to need you to finish the next chapter quickly so I know that they're okay!
Really lovely chapter, your writing was some of the best I've read of yours in this.
♥Author's Response: Oh, I do understand, yes. *cackles* I'M SORRYYY!
I'm so happy you liked the moment on the deck -- I was afraid it'd be too soon. Jeremy is a good boy, he knows he's not allowed to say anything about the magical world.
Hug Mathilda all you want, she deserves it! I really didn't want to make her too bland, if that makes sense, which is why I included the scene with Elizabeth.
Well, Jeremy couldn't apparate if he's not allowed to break the status of secrecy, could he? (Also, this is for a challenge and I'm not allowed to include Apparition or Portkeys, so...)
I'm going to post chapter 3 very soon, I promise! Thank you for your lovely review Jami &hearts ! Report Review
Oh Rose is having a really rough day, isn't she?? I can absolutely sympathize with her distaste for being woken early on Saturday mornings. I hate getting up early, but especially when it's a weekend.
I really wanted to make her tell her family what's going on in this chapter. I mean, I knew she wouldn't because it's too soon for you to let that happen (naughty author!) but still, they could help! Between them and their parents' brain power, something could be figured out!
I think that the Weasley/Potter Clan Meeting was very amusing! I love all their contrasting personalities, it was so funny! Molly was the best and her 'impending doom' kind of attitude :P
And Scorpius! What are you thinking showing up! Poor Rose must have really been caught off guard to simply be able to nod her head... she's usually so ready with her snappy remarks. And now!! Can this clan perhaps tie into what's happened to Rose?? Ohh I do love a good mystery!
Last review I mentioned grammatical things with your dialogue, so I won't mention it again, but do you mind if I make a suggestion? You have a really great and amusing start here, and it's very easy to slip into. One thing I feel like I'm craving though is more understanding of who these people are. Just small bits of description can really help with this. You do it well with Rose, like when you describe her annoyance at being woken up on Saturday. It's a small thing but it helps create a more realistic person. This is harder to do with first person and have it pertain to other characters obviously, but just things like, -- I could tell Roxy didn't believe me, her always knowing eyes searching mind a second too long before placing the biscuits down, but she at least pretended to. -- I've expanded on what you basically said to give Roxy just a bit more to her. Adding these throughout the entire chapter is just small suggestion make your characters feel as realistic as possible :). Feel free to ignore me, though! This chapter was still lovely the way it is, and I'm excited to see where you take us next!
♥JamiAuthor's Response: It was so lovely to receive another long, sweet review from you! Thank you so much!
I'm glad you found it amusing - I love creating different personalities for different people - and I always think of Moly Weasley as a seriously cute hufflepuff! :)
Oops sorry - I will go back through spell check again!! I do think I need to add more description - you don't mind if I use your example, do you? It's brilliant advice, thank you Jami! I will definitely go back and edit/add some bits!
Thank you for reviewing - you're totally awesome and your reviews are legendary :D Report Review
This is such a sweet little story. Cho and Cedric is actually a pairing that I really like, and I think this small glimpse into such a simple part of their life was a really sweet piece.
I'm sure we've all been in that position where we really have no idea what to get someone, or if we're even expected to get someone, but the fact that Cedric is spending so much time into it actually shows quite a lot about his character. He isn't the kind of person to just grab something and hope it works. Someone like one of the Weasley twins would have just grabbed the first thing they saw and figured out a way to spin it into sounding like it was meant for the receiver, but Cedric really put thought into it.
I was so happy when he chose the hair clip. When he walked in I was going, No Cedric don't get her a pair of Quidditch socks or anything stupid! And then the clip was just perfect!
Your writing style is very dreamy. That's the best word I think I have... but I really love it. Everything just feels so perfect, nothing overly harsh or overly definite. I don't know. I'm not making sense.
I really enjoy this. I wish you'd write more! Report Review
Ohhh what a steamy chapter!
I think you had Rose reach a lot of really important parts in this. The first section was very contemplative, and she had her guard down enough to admit, if even just to herself, that she felt lonely without Scorpius in the house. For someone who's trotted off to study wandlore, handles herself and her adult life without the help of anyone else, and is just really an independent person, that's a big deal! I thought that moving into the next section was very well done.
It was sad to see Scorpius so upset, and with what he saw, who could blame him. You chose a really great way to mix his anger and disgust with just at touch of innocence left. The way that they sort of fell into this mixture of neither being on comfortable ground, and both being a little too open with one another was awesome.
I think that adding in a bit of the insecurities Scorpius is feeling was awesome as well. It was scary there for a moment that they'd blow up and I'd have gotten all excited for nothing, but then they smoothed it all out. Good characters. You can have cookies.
Moving from the sort of darkness our little hero witnessed to the emotional kind of night they've turned to was really great, and now I'm looking forward to learning a little more about both of them through one another.
Awesome chapter ♥Author's Response: Nobody's getting any cookies until the bad guy is caught! Grandma Weasley's rules!
I do believe that the strongest people are those who are the most conflicted. Nobody just goes off and leaves their family like that. I don't even like it when Mom's on vacation and I have the house all to myself. Rose has some issues that she finally admitted and she was nice and behaved while I sorted them out.
This was one of the first scenes I had in mind with them as a couple when I started this and for me it was a milestone of sorts. You know the feeling when you finally get the idea out of your head and there's so much room for other story ideas!
Thank you so much for the lovely review! You are amazing! Report Review
Itís been way too long. Thatís the only negative about reading ahead, is I donít have to read to find out what happened so itís easier to not come back and review. But I love getting to read the chapters again to see the changes in such a more direct light, and I WILL not continue until Iím caught up on reviews, haha!
Anyway, I love that Pansy had to sort of build her confidence back up. Instead of being constantly confident like she would have been before Voldemort fell, it takes a bit for her to get there. And sheíll never be there again, which is good but almost a tiny bit sad. I know it shouldnít be, because she was terrible. I just hope she gets stronger by the end of all this.
I really liked her thinking of the Goblin as an its. It is incredible fitting. Oh she works so hard to be poised but not appear cruel and further ruin any chance at being able to feel like a member of society.
Oh she has such a long road ahead of her. But this chapter was really a turning point to get her to push forward with her life. I didnít realize that then, it just seemed like anotehr stepping stone, but it was a really a big ĎPansy Moment.í
Excellent chapter as always ♥Author's Response: Hi! It's great to see you again- and it's been too long since I've reviewed your story as well. :P
I'm glad that you're enjoying Pansy's build back to confidence (though even in the latest chapters she still isn't quite as sure of herself as she was before the war). I don't know if I can reveal the "end" of her character growth without giving away the ending itself, so I won't speak about it here! :)
Writing about the Goblin as an "its" was a test of my dedication to writing through her perspective, because I really wanted to use "her/him", but I knew that she wouldn't use that language while describing them. They are to her, after all, just beasts.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and hopefully I'll get a chance to read "Before They Fall" again soon! Report Review
Hi darling! I'm just derping around the forums and wanted to find something to read!
This is very, very powerful. I think that bullying is something that's not addressed enough, and even when it is made more mainstream it still isn't stopped. This shows something that everyone doesn't want to accept; what people do can make or breath another person. Without getting too much into my own opinion, the way people treat others, especially if it's a gang of people, can have a lot to do with why schools have maniacs coming in to hurt people and why people much too young to ever think about their life ending, are trying to do just that.
You've put so many incredibly tough and serious issues out there with this piece and handled them beautifully. You didn't downplay her suffering, just as much as you didn't intensify the cruelty of the girls. They were being very mean, obviously, but I've seen girls do just as mean things. It was more of the fact that they were just so careless and thoughtless with their words. I think you balanced teenage type of cruelty with the impact it can have on others so well... I know I'm probably going rambly.
I loved James's part in this. I think that casting him as the one who does see and helps is such a lovely contrast to his usually carefree portrayal. And again, alternating between the two was just awesome.
If you don't mind me pointing out a few things... if you do, just ignore this next part :P.
So, what you're building up here is really amazing. Arianna's sense of being worthless really enhances her desperation, just as well as James's need to help her. At the end when she confesses her feelings to him, at much as I loved it, I think that it kind of brought her character to an unrealistic level.
What I would suggest is what about something along the lines of her accepting his words, but being unable to express her own? She's been crushed and broken so many times in her life, saying that and giving that kind of affection is a lot. Maybe just leave it with the idea of James wanting to give her a reason to live, and her wanting to try and fight for her own life? Just a small suggestion, I hope you don't mind!
This was a beautiful story ♥Author's Response: Aww, I'm just sitting here smiling like an idiot now! This is just so sweet!
I'm glad that you thought I did the portrayal justice, as that was something I struggled to bring to life in this story.
I like James too, for the same reason you do. I like when the next-gen characters aren't suddenly footloose and fancy-free. (I can't believe I just used that expression... oh dear.)
I love constructive criticism - it's a major part of what reviews are for, after all! I agree with you completely about her character changing too quickly. I noticed that too, but didn't really know how to deal with it. Your suggestions are just perfect, and I will probably go in some day soon and fix that ending. It was just a little too idealistic-fairy-tale for everything that just happened.
Thanks so much for the review!
-ShadowRose Report Review
FINALLY I AM HERE.
So throughout this story youíve really kept Hermione giving, and almost making it so she doesnít have enough time to think about whatís going on break down because of it. Like sheís on autopilot and just doing what has to get done next. But with this first scene, her shutting herself away and alone, you really got to explore her feelings. And they were so heartbreaking :(. Watching her tackle this almost impossible kind of battle, but also fight against not even recognizing herself because of her actions is just very sad, and you did such a good job making me feel it all. The line about wondering if she would ever again be the young mother that snuggled her children at night was just so simple but so serious. I think allowing us to see how broken she really is through this was such a perfect thing to do.
Oh sheís just like a young girl again scared and lost. Even more so than she ever was as a young girl... this conversation with Professor Flitwick was not something Iíd have seen coming, but something I love so much and just added a whole new dimension. I really liked the tiny ounce of humor you slipped in with him wondering why she was never in Ravenclaw, just to lighten the mood. Not enough to make it actually funny, because that wouldnít have fit here, but enough to make me smile.
Oh that whole section was really great, Ashley. Iím all feelsy now.
Teddy is so delicious when heís all in control. I bet admitting what happened to him wouldnít have been hard for Hermione, and it would have felt wrong for him to be angry with her because of it so I loved that you just had him stick to focusing on what to do. AND HARRY CAN APPARATE. I knew that already, hehehehe. But If I didnít, Iíd totally be going UH OH right now. Well I am anyway, but even more if I didnít know. Apparating? Aint no body got time for that!
Ohh stop making me feel so bad for Draco ;(.
You managed to end this chapter on such a strong note. Weíve seen Hermione go through so much in this story, but this chapter was really the most focused on whatís going on inside of her, what sheís struggling against within her self and ugh I really, really loved that. Things have been so chaotic and busy, we needed a break to understand what was happening in our beloved Miss Granger-Weasley. I just want to hug her.
AND NOW I want to know what happens next!!!Author's Response: Jami!!
Thank you so much for reviewing this chapter! Whoo!
I'm so glad someone has finally picked up on the fact that Hermione was kind of on autopilot through the first few chapters! I've been getting a lot of heat for not delving further into her feelings, but I really wanted to do that with this chapter because she's really had time to slow down and thing about things.
I know, to be perfectly honest I didn't plan the conversation with Flitwick, it just kind of happened. I was like, oh, he apparently wants to get a few words in, so why not? And there we have it :P
I have tried to continue to insert little bits of humor here and there, because this story should never take itself too seriously. AT the end of the day, it IS a story about zombies :P
I love Teddy, and every time you talk about him, he gets hotter and hotter in my mind!! I think that I will start writing him hotter and hotter too, pretty soon he's gonna be big and muscly and like...wait no. NO. This is not the right story for that.
Harry CAN apparate, and thus fixes one of the biggest plot holes in the story! YAY!
I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter, I really am. It gladdens my heart that you still love and connect with the characters and it makes me totally want to write faster!! Report Review
I said this before but Iím just going to go ahead and reiterate it. I LOVE that you used both the lyric and the title. It just sets the mood for the story so perfectly. As well as this chapter image. Youíre just getting me all geared up for quite the ride, and I want to hug you for it. And now IĒm going to continue on actually reviewing the story!
Well I didnít get far. Iím terrible at running reviews, yet here I am doing on. The first paragraph, I just want to eat it. Itís so asdsjf. That. Thatís what it is. The description and the way youíve made your words and style fit in with time is just prefect. I canít even understand how your brain does what it does most of the time. I canít even write a coherent review to this piece, yet you managed to create it all!
Iím attempting to go on...
I made myself continue. I wanted to stop again right after you did the italicized bit of what Williamís father told him about The Raven, but I made myself keep reading. Go Jami! Not very far though, because now Iím at the part where heís remembering his sister being brought into the world. And Iím backtracking to talk about the part anyway sooo...
But itís just so perfect! You donít give us enough to know what to think of him, yet we want to like him. Or I do. Ravenclaw, that is. The description of him being able to strip the meat from your very bones is just insane. Itís that good. I forgot how much I loved this story since I read it last, and Iím even more anxious for you to continue. William feels almost naive up until this point. Like a young boy put into an adult world that heíll morph himself into eventually, but isnít there just yet.
Ohh I just kind of love them. I really love anything revolving around knights and squires, and you just fit it all in there so it feels so right. Have you ever read Tamora Pierce? Youíd like her stuff. Most of it is set around that. The idea of Rowena teaching wandlore, arithmancy, and herbcraft (good adjustment, there) is perfect and tells a lot about her and ties into canon. We know what Ravenclaw is known for, and this show exactly why their traits are what they are without shoving it down our throat. Just a small mention of something she does that builds her character up an incredible amount.
And her lecture to William about his actions to the bully, I just canít say enough about how perfect youíve made her!
Hahaha I love the mention of Ravenclaw and the midwife having the disagreement. Okay, I really do like Reyneld (Reynold?) Reynald! There we go. His comment about being there when the babe was created was just so perfect. You make this really amusing, which I think a lot of people would struggle with because of the style it needs to be written in to fit the time. HOW ARE YOU SO AMAZING?
Oh Sarah!!! Goddd I canít even... this just started out so beautiful. I need more right away. The image of the little baby curling her fingers around his hand and gahh itís just so sweet. This is a perfect start. You have so much talent. I canít even tell you how happy it makes me at how much youíve been writing lately. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR BRAIN. Report Review
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