This chapter was such an awesome way to move the story forward.
I loved seeing the start through Scorpius's perspective, and was really impressed with your details! I loved that you're keeping consistent with the hot Egyptian weather, and really enjoyed the descriptions about the sand tussling around on the ground and the stray cats. And I think I'd have a bigger issue with my shoes turning color than Scoprius had. I like my shoes :S! But it made it all that much more realistic!
The interaction between him and Rose and D was really interesting I think she's probably just shy and not as used to the casual interactions, and maybe she's a bit put off by Scorpius's handsome face? Hehe.
The transition into the dinner was well done and felt very smooth, and it made me so hungry! I got really excited when he started telling us the myth. I love certain types of history, especially when myths (or what they think are) are intertwined!
Scorpius already having some knowledge of it made a lot of sense, and I LOVED how we could tell how intrigued Rose was. It stayed very true to the character you're building for her.
This was such a good chapter and really served to move the plot forward. They're going on an adventure!! I'm probably a little too excited for that, but it's going to be so much fun!
Awesome chapter, Kiana! Report Review
Ohh Amanda I'm getting worried. You can't just give me easy fluff, can you? I was so happy with her offer to help plan the wedding and thought there was a chance we'd see smooth sailing after that, but of course we know what happens in the end and the difficulties with the wedding planning as well as how Venn handled it all make me so nervous. I JUST WANT THESE TWO TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE PRETTY BABIES.
BUT. Even while I felt like this was setting us up for more bumps along the road, I still understand both PoVs. Helena wants something intimate, but Edeline understands what pleasing the friends and family means and knows a wedding must be built for them as well. Helena wants Venn's help in this, but he can only thing of why should it fall on his shoulders when he has so much else to do. It's hard to decide who I agree with in this situation. Maybe a bit of all three of them?
I loved her father's attempts to make her happy. He seems like an honest to goodness good guy who loves his daughter, and that makes me happy. I also liked that you included her getting her choice of the servants. It was a good reminder of their class and of how things in this day and age run.
Wedding at Hogwarts where giant snake lives. I'm already seeing some serious issues.
I'm having such a hard time imagining how this man would be capable of hurting Helena, much less killing her. I really hope there's a way for you to twist canon a bit so he doesn't come out as just a murder. And ugh. Why do you have to make me fall in love with such tragic romance?? I'm going to be very sad by the end of this :(! And now I'm a bit happy that I let myself fall out of this story for so long because I'm loving the freedom to continue on to the next chapter :P! Are you done with school for the summer? Are you chaining yourself to a desk to finish this story? Please? Report Review
I'm too far behind to think this review is going to be a long juicy one, because honestly I just want to get caught up! And I'm impatient! Haha!
Salazar has snapped in such an odd way. He's so rational inside his own head and it's nothing but clear that he intends his plan to play out and he will not allow it to be disturbed. A man who isn't willing to compromise or thing clearly mixed with his arrogance and his lack or regard for human life is a very frightening combination. I feel like this chapter was one of the most important to showing us how far he's gone and to start the path to his own destruction and the destruction of the castles founders. And I'm officially blaming him for what will happen in the future to Helena and Venn!
Helga was everything I'd want her to be in this. I loved that she couldn't not tell Helena the other option, even though it's clear she realizes the issues it will cause with her and Rowena. Are we seeing the first thread of their friendship break perhaps?
I love seeing how far these two have come in terms of caring about one another, and the fact with talking Helena down a bit and wanting to give her an actual wedding was one of the sweetest things I think I've seen him do in this chapter. And Edeline watching this all was just too sweet. I hope she knows how much Helena cares about her son and isn't put off by the marriage because of Helena's dramatic actions. She seems like a woman who might actually appreciate them.
Okay, shutting myself up so I can go on! Report Review
Amanda! I was so excited about getting paired together for this month's exchange!
Ginny will never be one of my favorite characters, but you've made me like her more than any author has before. The fact that you let her feel angry at harry, sad that he left her, made her into the girl dreaming of a future she may or may not have, all really helped create more of a person than most people are able.
I really can't stand with she's portrayed as constantly strong, constantly holding her chin up and ready to fight because Harry is there somewhere and Harry loves here. This girl was just left by her brother, her lover, and her best friend. No way can she be strong all the time, or not feel that terrible anger that they left her and now she's stuck trying not to get tortured in this castle prison.
You showed all of the emotions that anyone would realistically feel so insanely well. She isn't a bad person for being angry at Harry or weak for crying and missing him. She's a girl who's broken hearted and scared and I love that you have her a chance to be that person.
The fact that there was the constant underlining fear that someone may catch her was a super neat addition in this, because it just made everything feel that much more tense. I loved how strongly you made us feel her emotions, her claustrophobia in the castle was especially one of my favorites. She could barely move without someone's permission, and the need to break away from that was so real and felt so fitting.
Then when she wondered if she had actually ever enjoyed Hogwarts... I think that was one of the things that just made this story perfect. She's been through so much in such a short amount of time, half numb, half feeling everything too much. Barely being able to imagine a time when she loved the school was just so sad and realistic and gah. Loved it.
This was a really awesome first chapter. I noticed her and Hermione's are the exact same word count, and for some reason that made me super curious. haha! But I'm even more excited to see what you do with her, now!
♥ Jami Report Review
Hi there! Tag!
I was planning on reading the second chapter of the story I started, but it'd been too long since i read the first so now I want to wait until I have time to reread the first THEN read the second.
Anyway, I'm really glad I chose this one. You know when you take a bit of something that's just right? That's how I felt about this. It was so short, so blurry, but so well done both aspects enhanced it.
I honestly didn't even notice that you'd used no dialogue or apostrophes until the end, which I think shows just how smoothly you were able to pull it off. If i would have noticed, that means I would have been jarred by it. And obviously that wasn't the case.
Draco seems so pensive in this, so stuck in his own thoughts, and I really enjoyed that. I loved being stuck inside such a messed up head, and especially with the fact that he didn't seem all too comfortable with the thoughts. If that makes any sense.
And I LOVE when people use italics to make a sentence stand out that deserves to stand out. Really, you use of them was perfect in this.
I'm surprised at how much i really loved his short piece. Usually I like longer, more involved, but this was just really great. And congratulations on pushing yourself past comfort zones!! Report Review
Hi lovely! It's been way too long since I played at your AP!
This was such a sweet story. Fleur and Bill are one of my soft spots. I loved the way you showed little snapshots of their lives all the way through!
The start of it, with Fleur nervous about the interview but wanting to stay and prove she could be something for herself, not just for her looks, was perfect. That exemplifies a lot of my feelings for Fleur and just made me really happy.
I think the note about seeing a small fleck of disappointment in her mother's eye helped round her out as well. I think showing that even the princess could let her parents down ever now and then is really an important thing.
Then her horror at how it had gone when speaking with Bill - awesome! I'm sure she did great, but she's Fleur and a drama queen and that catered to her personality perfectly!
I honestly started getting worried that she was stood up by Bill, and I really loved the waiters feelings about her. Can you blame him for being disappointed when he saw her date had arrived? Ha! Poor guy!
The post wedding craziness, then the sweet moment she told him she was pregnant and moving into motherhood were all so sweet. I think you kept her the same women while adding in the changes that her life gave her, bringing her a bit more down to earth and allowing her to become less of a self involved person, all created a lovely picture of her. It makes me so happy when an author can do Fleur justice, because I think it happens so infrequently.
Mind if I offer a bit of CC?
Because it's on a computer screen, the spacing killed my eyes. Just spaces between each line would make it a LOT easier to keep my place :)!
Also, I mentioned loving the snapshots of her life, and I really do. But the amount you have made it feel like you were rushing to get to the next. You did such an awesome job with her that I wanted to get more of each, and I really feel like you could have expanded on all the sections and just slowed down a bit to let the picture form. Have you ever thought about turning this into a short story collection and using each of these snap shots for a chapter? That would really let you give each scene the time it deserves!
Am I trying ot talk you into writing more of this? Yes, yes I probably am. Mwhaha.
You had a handful of typos that I'm sure a quick read through could fix. Or you could ask for a quick beta!
This was such an enjoyable story, my dear. Thanks so much for writing it ♥ Report Review
Hi m'dear! It's been a while since I played on your AP!
I LOVE adult wizard world stories. This one already had a really interesting start, and I love that you gave us a very clear look at our MC without making everything over detailed.
We know Lucy must enjoy her job enough to continue at it, but her personality makes her a fun character to follow around. And you can't blame her for not wanting to hear chicken skwaks all day! I loved her thoughts about the difference it takes to become a magical healer as opposed to a doctor. Though I guess that's the benefit of having easy fixes to everything :P
I loved the easy feeling of camaraderie between her and the team. She has a really amusing way of showing us what's going on, and I couldn't help bu want to bundle the Niffer up for myself!
ALready getting us into the plot was a really good idea, I think. We have a very good hold on what's going on, what Lucy is like, and what the main conflict will be early enough to get attached to the story, which is always something I love when authors do.
This was a really lovely first chapter, m'dear! ♥
Oh, a few errors with dialogue punctuation :). These ones should be periods, not commas.
ďWhat every good healer does, upped her dosage of calming potion to make her fall asleep. Not that that stops the bloody chicken noises,Ē
ďItís ruining the aura of whatís supposed to be a happy working place,Ē
ďWell, donít mess them up to badly Adam Spring-roll,Ē
ďGo back to the chicken lady Lucy Weasel,Ē
ďWhat every good healer does, upped her dosage of calming potion to make her fall asleep. Not that that stops the bloody chicken noises,Ē
ďCome off it, Iím a witch, Iím still alive and kicking,Ē
ďCan easily be put into a draw or, I could give it to Molly next time I see her, itís cheap tat anyways, makes me break out in rashes,Ē
ďCome off it, Iím a witch, Iím still alive and kicking,Ē
ďBrilliant, now take your soprano ass upstairs whilst I get out of here,Ē Frankie threw his overcoat and stethoscope
ďCamden Market is the place to go, they have literally everything and most pieces are one-off items that you canít get anywhere else. I got my piercings and tattoo done there, very cheap,Ē Report Review
Hi lovely! Well, you've thoroughly creeped me out for the day! Although I can't complain, because dark stories are some of my favorites.
The way you gave Lucius enough pride not to cry, but snatched just as much away was really well done. It almost feels like he hardly realized how serious his situation was, like he thought if he demanded he be released enough then the fact that he's a Malfoy would make it happen.
When he thinks back to the humiliation he suffered upon being sentenced, oh that felt so realistic! You did such an awesome job keeping him in canon but added enough tweaks that he's very believable for a man who's been imprisoned and suffering.
His thoughts around Narcissa, and how they seemed to soften him, really made me feel for the man that he could have been if he wouldn't let have darkness taken such a hold on his life. It's sad to think that his little family could have had everything...
and oh my gosh. We knew it was coming, the fact that they hadn't visited him yet was a clear sign of it, but you made that so amazingly chilling! I'm really impressed with the fact that you managed to keep it dark and almost blurry without making it all confusing. It was a lot of intensity without tangling it, and very well done.
Suggestion? If you ever want to expand on this, I think it would be awesome to see a bit of bitterness when he thinks about the Dark Lord. We always now he needs to blame someone for his actions; any failings aren't that of his own. Maybe just a fleeting thought of, if it weren't for the dark lord he wouldn't be here, or if it weren't for potter or something. Though I'm probably just suggesting this because I'm selfish and want more ♥ Report Review
Hi darling! I read through this when matching up review exchanges and became really interested.
I don't think many people are brave enough to write Tom Riddle, understandably so. I think he'd be a nightmare of a character to get right, and you did such an awesome job with it.
His clean kind of thought process -- no grey area attitude -- real sealed the deal for me. He wasn't concerned about what opening the chamber would do, didn't think twice if he would be able to control it, just went in with no other idea than him being the one that possessed the power and blood to be able to do this. His obsession with certain things is what we eventually see will be how downfall, so showing here that same way he become obsessed really made him feel like a realistic de-aged Voldemort.
I loved the detail you went into showing how he'd gotten that far. Especially his thoughts about how his 'friends' dimness was useful, because we see him later surround himself with easily controlled and manipulated souls.
This was another really great story, my dear! I really loved the look into such an already disturbed human being. Your writing was smooth and lovely as always!!Author's Response: Jami, you're really spoiling me with these lovely reviews!
This was for the challenge on the forums, and I think otherwise I wouldn't have been brave enough to write such a well-known and complex character. I had to put a lot of thought into him but I'm pleased you think I got it right!
His obsession with power and sense of his own self-importance were two of the things I wanted to convey in this story, because I think those characteristics would have been part of his personality even from an early age. I'm so happy you picked up on the mention of his 'friends' because that is exactly what I intended when I mentioned them.
Thank you so much for this great review!
Sian :) Report Review
I'm finally here for the first chapter! Will you put RL in time out for me? Or get on skype so I can learn who you and I need to put in time out? You know, I'm not even sure how to review something like this. Can I just send myself to you, rolling on the ground and laughing?
I already told you this before, but I love the 'author stepping outside of the narrative' style. No, that's not the actual name for it, I don't think. but it seems to fit.
I think my favorite part was when you said that Madam Hooch appeared from the depths of her chair because you've only just remembered about her. HAHA.
EXCEPT there's also intoxicated Mcgonagall to think about. and how can she not be anyone's favorite? Something about the line that said drunk cats don't always land on their feet created a hilarious mental image for me. Her just wobbling down the hallways... haha!
No wait! I just remembered the part about luna's saucy surname! How am I supposed to pick a favorite???
One thing i love most is that, even though this is a parody, your writing is still incredible in it. I may have told you before that I don't like comedies that are funny because they're stupid. Napoleon Dynamite style. I like when things are funny in this sort of way, turning what we know (like the headmasters giving a speech) into something different... like the headmasters always being sloshed while giving said speech :P
And her admitting the reason Draco was really head boy! Oh my gosh, could anything be more perfect??
I wish I had more to say in this review, but if I keep going on it's just going to end with me quoting every one of my favorite parts. So excited to review the next chapter ♥ Report Review
Finally! Sorry, RL has been killing me lately!
Okay, I absolutely loved seeing canon events from this perspective. We're so busy with Harry in the books and watching him, we don't really take the time to wonder what everyone else was doing during the times. Of course, now in the venture of FF we can do all the wondering we want and have perfect people like you to help us answer questions!
I never wondered how Remus felt when he heard the Harry news, and oh my gosh this was just the perfect way to introduce all that. I loved how protective Remus is, even just in his own head, when they start questioning Harry at the cafe. It honestly would make sense for people to think like that though. I mean, Harry did to amazing things from the start, and know one really knows how powerful he is. Not that it's right for them to start suspecting a young kid, but it does make sense. Still though, the fact that it irritated Remus so much was perfect.
THE BOY. HAHA Poor Sirius! You're a good puppy, yes you are. I loved the humor you used between them, it felt very fitting!
And now we're back to the world's most depressing house. You did an awesome job making that all feel very canon, and Mrs. Black was every but as terrible as she was in the books. Or portrait her, at least.
This entire chapter gave me such friend fuzzies and I want to hug these two. There's so many exciting and chaotic events coming up... I'm so anxious to see the through Remus's eyes! Report Review
I've been putting off reviewing this, cause now I have no more of it until you start updating the next book! but I could only put it off for so long until The Last Chapter won out and sucked me over here. Naughty chapters.
I was really excited that you continued the attack scene, and loved how you gave us enough detail to understand what was going on without spending ages on it. The Order Members showing back up was awesome, watching them all come together again and fight alongside one another was just so awesome and gave me all sort of warm fuzzies.
Molly cooking enough to serve an army because of stress is more than believable, ahah. I just wish I could have been in the kitchen to taste test! I loved Rose's new take stance on their 'talk' and it not needing to happen right away. It seems that she's calmed down some, just happy with things the way they are. And now Harry has given her a way to stay there! Yay!!!
I loved that you made is clear we'd be set up for a whole new story with Harry's talk about needing to bring down the society.
I can't believe it's the last chapter... this was such a fun adventure and I'm so excited that I stared reading it. Get on with book two, miss Ral ;)! Report Review
Finally! Iíve had to delete about half of what I wrote Friday night, so letís put some coherent thoughts back into this review.
The girl talk turned out really well. Having a friend as inappropriate as Isadore is something that could really come in handy in instances like these. And from the way she lectured Astoria about what they read in the articles, Iím fairly convinced youíve flipped through your wifeís cosmo magazine :P
I loved Astoriaís shaky nature with it all. She knows she wants to do something, though probably not everything, but not knowing how is creating a lot of turmoil for her. Though her naive nature is probably something that will astound Draco more than disappoint. He had someone who was knowledgable about all this, as Isadore points out, and that wasnít enough to stick them together. But of course Astoria is a teenage girl, and thatís an impossible age to think rationally :P.
Oh my gosh. The line about her not being able to see Draco. I donít even know what I feel about that, haha! Itís like when you witness an overly private moment and feel like you should look away but donít want too.. thatís how I feel :P Definitely gave me an awesome giggle.
The idea that sheíd start on safer grounds, like a massage, definitely felt like a good solution. She gets the chance to get use to that more intimate setting and to gauge his reactions more, plus she probably wonít be as shaky from nerves that way :P
Dracoís entire section was one of my favorite so far. You know how much I love when magic is described, and creating things with it, so watching him handle the potion was a lot of fun. I was excited to see how careful he was with it, though still seeming completely confident in his abilities
That plant really had me confused at first. I was worried it was just a normal plant, behaving badly as sort of a test for is temper. They know his past and we werenít entirely too sure of what was thought about it, so I was afraid that it was her own way to see if Draco could handle it without losing his temper.
Than when I learned it was the opposite, a test to see if heís able to do anything necessary to preserve his potion and not let interactions ruin what he has going, I was super exciting. I actually really liked Madam Blishwick. She was to the point, didnít play games with Draco, and made it clear that his past did have some to do with her interest in him. Her job and what she can do with the potions she invents seems like the most important thing to her and she wants to put the people who are going to be most helpful in achieving these on her team. I actually can see her and Draco getting along very well in the future, and Iím anxious to see how the boy whoís always tested authority to the max will handle working at the bottom of the food chain, having to take orders and be a nice boy :P.
Awesome chapter, Dan! And it feels like both Draco and Astoria are really headed in a solid direction. Iím excited to see how her plan plays out, and even more exciting to see what she thinks of Dracoís new job! Report Review
This is one of the most fun little one shots I've read in a long time. I really loved how you started the scene with Arthur's obvious excitement, especially how you made that excitement easy for
us readers to feel.
The detail about Arthur leaving lunch and an annoyed Molly behind was so adorable; if was like a brief glimpse into their future with her forever adorning and being annoyed with his obsession :D!
The professor fit his role perfectly. He was easy going, sweet natured, and it felt like Arthur looked up to him. I was grinning when you mentioned the detail about him wearing muggle attire, neither caring about nor noticing the attention it got him.
I was actually pretty impressed with us through this. Like, yeah we can't fly brooms, but hey we invented cars! Haha! It was funny to read about our types of transportation through such enthusiastic eyes. And can I just say that I fully agree with the professor. I understand why an airplane stays up and how, but still part of me DOESN'T GET IT. We're in the damn air! With tons of weight and sitting in an enlarged TIN CAN. WHY DON'T WE FALL? Yeah, that's just some stuff that I can't help but thinking every time I board a plane. :P. But really, you did such an awesome job keeping my attention stuck on something that I already know about, which is really impressive.
I also loved how you were able to bring a realistic kind of knowledge to Arthur without making him seem too much 'in the know.' Like he knew a form of muggle transportation but not everything about it. Very believable for a pureblood who is fascinated with muggle things.
And the rubber ducky being in there just made it that much more awesome. I loved how light this all was. Sometimes the best story is one that just makes you smile and feel all sorts of fuzzies. Also, I LOVED how well you de-aged him but still kept him Arthur! That always impresses me when an author can do that.
Awesome one shot, Sian ♥Author's Response: Hi Jami! Aw, this review has me grinning like an idiot right now!
Fun was exactly what I intended this one-shot to be, and I'm so glad you could feel Arthur's excitement while you read this! And of course, how could I write something like this about Arthur without some mention of Molly?
Professor Bumble was really fun to write for this as well. The only Muggle Studies teacher we know from canon is Burbage and I wanted to invent my own character to fill the role.
When I started writing this, I definitely didn't realise how many forms of transport we actually have! It took me a lot longer to go through them all and explain them, so it's great to know that it didn't bore you to death! And I definitely agree with you about aeroplanes - I have no idea how they work at all. But I have to say us Muggles are pretty clever!
It means so much to me that you liked Arthur as well, and that it was a believable representation of him. He's one of my favourite characters in the series and I loved writing him.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and leave a lovely review!
Sian :) Report Review
Hi there! To be completely honest, Iím not sure what feedback Iíll be able to give you that you havenít received. I did a quick scan through your reviews and have noticed that the majority of the errors have been pointed out, so I wonít go over those again. Though I would definitely suggest editing if you get a chance, because that will make a huge difference on how many people decide to stop and read the story :).
Instead, I hope you donít mind, Iím going to focus a bit on something all of us hear at one time or another: show vs tell.
Itís so difficult to get yourself in the habit of letting your characters speak for themselves, but itís really important. We want to get to know them, learn more about them through their story.
You want to get through that our MC has had to be independent and grow up a lot by herself, with really her brother as her only crutch. But telling us that, though of course it makes it obvious, doesnít help us connect with her. Itís just like... if you were going on a date with someone. This person could write a ten page paper about themselves, but unless you met face to face and got to know each other, you wouldnít know if you have an actual connection with them or not. Us, as readers, want to know that we have a connection with the character. For example, you spend a lot of this chapter letting us know how important her and her brother are to one another, but we donít meet him. You mention that he wanted her to do this on her own so she can be stronger, but he has to be somewhere in the house since theyíre both leaving for Hogwarts, right?
Getting those two together, just watching their interactions, seeing him being protective on the hogwarts express or something, or being the one to make sure sheís backed everything... those are the sort of things that could *show* us how close they are instead of you telling us.
This is also true for her mum. You mention how busy she is, how much she has to work, and you do show us a bit when the MC is surprised that her mum is home, but you also tell us a lot more than we need to know. Remember, this is only the first chapter. Finding out the motherís employment and that sort of thing isnít necessary, and of just creates this flat picture.
You really did an awesome job showing a mother daughter type of scene when she tells her mum not to use her real name! Those are more of what we need to really feel connected with the characters, or curious enough to continue :).
I think that you definitely have a good sense of where you want Eva to go, and if the ending is any indication you have a nice plot worked out as well! Those are two huge things to already be ahead of the game with, and I think youíve received some awesome feedback in terms of grammar assistance from other reviewers. Taking those into considering will make a huge difference if you are looking to improve this :).
Thanks for requesting!
Jami Report Review
Hi there, and thanks for requesting!
Your AoC are structure, flow, and characterization so Iíll try and hit on those as I go through :)
First off iím going to start by saying that adding another Weasley child is a bit of a risk. I would actually suggest putting AU in your genres so people arenít thrown off, because at the start I was struggling to figure out which Weasley boy married someone named Cinderella :P. Though if youíre trying to avoid AU except for the additional Weasley, I can see why you would want to avoid putting it.
You had a nice dynamic at the start with the characters rushing around to get ready to leave and cramming into Arthur's car. We know they were hardly early for anything, so that felt really appropriate!
On to flow! For me, a few things can influence flow. One of those being grammar, and another being the authorís ability to get us from scene to scene. Your grammar and sentence structor were incredibly easy to slip into. You didnít have any glaring errors and had a nice balance of narration and dialogue. The way you moved us through the story was also well done, but consider youíre giving us an OC (even if she has the name Weasley on her) I would suggest slowing it down a bit. We have no idea who this girl is. How she fits in the family, if she is a real Weasley child or an adopted niece or nephew or something... itís easy to gather that sheís under 11 considering she isnít starting Hogwarts, so her age isnít an issue. But right now weíre not getting past her surface. Since this is just the first chapter, that usually wouldnít matter. Considering youíre introducing an 8th Weasley though, it does become more important.
I think giving her more interaction with her siblings other than Fred and George would help a lot. Also, keep in mind this girl is ten. As readers, we want to connect with the character *youíre* creating. You donít want to alienate her from the readers, and your narration and dialogue (although really well written) make her seem very educated, rational (with her finishing the chores so that Molly doesnít get on their case), sweet... things that of course arenít bad qualities for a ten year old, but combining them all together and only showing us those parts of Ella just give her an unrealistic sort of feeling. I hope that makes sense!
It was fun to see Charlie and Bill so early on! I love when writers include them because theyíre so often ignored, and I think in the small sections you had of them, you really did an awesome job! I also liked seeing Ellaís opinions of her siblings, and that she has a closer relationship with some. It seems natural with that many brothers and sisters that youíd end up sticking closer to a few.
I do think this is a really interesting start! You do a really good job with moving the story forward and not feeling like itís dragging, and Iím excited to see how Ella develops!
Jami Report Review
First of all - awesome job describing the heat. I'm actually chilly right now, and would love to be in the sun, but you made me thankful for the mild weather and not to be in the sweltering heat :P!
I really liked the way you introduced us to Dalila, especially since Rose also seems to have met her first and maybe most important person for the article! We didn't get to know her a ton, but I enjoy what we are learning about her! She seems rather no nonsense, smart, loyal to her family and their business, and kind enough to invite a stranger in.
If I could suggest anything with that section, it might letting Dalila ask a few more questions about this article. What you have of her so far shows she's very smart and cares about her business, so many just asking to see proof that Rose is who she says, asking her a few questions about the profit... just so it doesn't seem like she's taking what Rose says completely at face value.
OH the meeting with Scorpius was lovely! He makes such a delicious curse breaker, haha! I like that you've made him from Ravenclaw and that he and Rose are obviously friends. Not the love hate stuff, but actual friends that enjoyed one another company in Hogwarts and still seem like they will. Having them both a bit older in this is also someone a really love.
This second chapter did not disappoint! I liked it even more than the first! I'm really excited to see where you go with this, m'dear! I know it's going to be an awesome story!
♥Author's Response: Hey Jami!
Haha, everyone who's reviewed loved the heat, it's quite surprising as I live in England and all but I suppose it's my wishful thinking!
I'm so glad that you liked the introduction of Dalila, as I always think it's really important how you introduce characters. Yeah I used to dump all the information on people at once, but then I figured it would be fun to weave it in throughout so I'm glad that you liked it!
Ooh that's a good idea actually! I felt that something was missing from that scene but I couldn't put my finger on it, so I'll definitely go back and edit that in!
Haha, that was my exact thought when I made him a curse breaker and it gave him a reason to be in Egypt so I went with it ;) I've read the love/hate stuff far too much and I thought as they were adults now they wouldn't be arguing so it's great that you liked it!
Thanks for this awesome review, Jami, and I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot more than the first too! ♥
-Kiana Report Review
I can't believe I'm at the very end! Boo!! Well at least this means I can start another one of yours.
Ugh. Where to start?!
You've grown so much over the course of this story, Courtney. Getting to read the new chapters and read how much your writing improves over each one was such an awesome experience. You wrote an insanely compelling and addicting story while continuing to push your talent and improve it, and I just think that's awesome.
I got so attached to all of your characters. Even Tori. I find myself liking her a little more knowing what she did -- I"m not sure why. She lived in this bright shiny sort of world where she glowed everywhere she went, but in reality she was in this terrible cold and numb place where she wouldn't let anyone really reach out and help her. I think that is so damn sad. But I also think you crafted the perfect character for the role. She was beautiful and breathtaking but insanely detached form reality, until her reality became too much.
And Charlie! She was such an awesome OC to spend time with. Her combination of naive nature and sarcasm, and the fact that she really is just adorable and funny, sometimes annoying, just made her feel very realistic. Watching her and James learn to be together was really exciting, and this last chapter was such an emotional way to end it all.
I love that she didn't feel okay about the funeral and that it caused some issues, but even more than that, I love you fixed those and ended us on a positive note.
This story was so much fun to slip into, Courtney, and I hope you're so proud of yourself for it! Report Review
As odd as this may sound, I love 'stress exam' sort of chapters. It's so much fun seeing how all the characters handle it, and I loved the balance you had between them all. Charlie was stressed, but not snapped. Aine was stressed AND snapping, and of course the boys were meandering through life as happy as could be. HAHA.
I really loved the line Aine said to James about his head being full of fluff. But still, with last chapter, we knew this one would keep to it's light, easy (well, for the reader. Not easy for the exam takers) mood for long.
Rebecca's apology was actually really sweet. She's seemed a bit less insane lately, and I think with the end of the year coming she probably reflected back a bit on how she's treated Charlie. And, if what I'm thinking happened, she probably doesn't want to risk leaving things on bad terms with someone else the way she did with Tori. If the note proves true, and Tori really did do what we think, I think it's going to be a hard blow to the whole school.
Awesome chapter, Courtney! Report Review
I really thought I reviewed this. Wow. Haha.
I'm probably going to be saying this about almost every chapter, but so far this one is my favorite :P. The way that you showed the transition from last, Eileen finding an assistant but not actually taking us through all the steps, was perfect. Moving a story forward is one of the most necessary things in a novel and finding smooth ways to do that always seems like a struggle, so I was super impressed with the way you did it here.
Lorianne is such an awesome contrast to Eileen's more serious and capable personality. She's fumbley and a bit scattery but so sweet and fun, and I just think these two are going to make an awesome blend in the future chapters.
The meeting in the shop was the perfect way to set us up for the later recognition of one another. I loved how you gave him enough importance to stick in our mind, but still let that first section mainly be about Eileen and Lorianne. Then the warmth of the celebration was just perfect. I loved watching all the friends get together, and of course the interactions between our future love birds ;).
Reading your take on these characters is such an awesome joy, Shelby. You bring them to life like nothing I've ever read before and I'm already so emotionally invested in seeing where their future goes. Which means, if you go on a hiatus and quit writing, you'll be in big trouble :P!
Another incredible chapter ♥Author's Response: HI JAMI! ♥
If you keep saying that about every chapter, then I know I'm doing something right! You know how this chapter was such a struggle for me, so I'm so super excited that you liked it.
Lorraine is wonderful, isn't she? I agree with you - these two are going to be fantastic in later chapters. I'm happy with my decision to add her and know that she's going to be an important part of the story.
Ahh, the future love birds! I can't wait to explore their relationship. I want them to be so completely enamored with each other. I'm glad his introduction was good. It needed to be important without being overly ridiculous or out-of-this-world, you know?
I'm just all giggly and bubbly and ridiculous right now. Your reviews and praise and wonderfulness always send me over the moon. (And don't you worry, no writing hiatus for me! I'm in this for the LONG run!).
♥ Report Review
Hi Kiana ♥ I really should be doing the reviews for my thread, but when I saw your name in tag I couldn't resist!
First of all, your writing improves every time I'm on your AP. It's always been a pleasure to read, but the way you just keep getting better and better is serious so awesome to watch. Or read, I suppose.
I think you had an awesome combination of background in this chapter without making it feel that way and a jump start for the story. You fit a lot about Rose in without it feeling like you were cramming her down our throat, and that's a huge thing to be able to do. We know she wants to be a serious journalist, that her brother is the one who really has the genius brains, that she suffers a bit from feeling like she needs to live up to her family's standards... though you made it feel like *she* put that pressure on herself and not her family. Which I loved.
I also liked seeing her take something so seriously, and see her as an adult. Next Gen is something I'm likeing more and more, but even in the small amount of stories I've read I've come across a lot of the 'same' Rose, so I really like that yours already has her own personality in my mind!
Showing us her drive was also a really great way to make it clear on why she'd be up and ready to go to Egypt. She's obviously a go getter sort of girl, and just because it isn't the article of a lifetime doesn't mean it wouldn't be the trip of one! And it's still a project she can impress her boss by doing well!
Really awesome first chapter, Kiana! I'm going to make sure I stop back by to read the second!
♥Author's Response: Hey Jami! I was always like that when I had my review thread, tag was always a lot more tempting :P
I'm so glad that you're finding it's improving! It's means so much for me to hear that, so all I can say is eek really ♥
I'm so glad that you found that there was a combination as it took ages to find a sort of balance so I guess those hours of agonising paid off! Yes the pressure is mainly down to her being ambitious and I'm glad that you picked up on that, as no one else had yet!
I have a similar feeling with next gen as I'm still take baby steps with this era, but Rose's personality was always something that surprised me as it always seemed kind of similar, so I'm trying to make it different here :)
Haha, yeah the article is a pretty minor point in the story as things do begin to change around chapter five, if I remember correctly, so Rose's excitement is justified in a way she doesn't yet know ;)
Thanks for this amazing review, Jami, and I hope you like the second chapter too :D
-Kiana Report Review
Hi there! Sorry it's taken me so long to stop by!
This is a really lovely take on such a terrible night. I haven't heard a ton of Snow Patrol, but I have heart that song and it does fit beautifully.
You did such a great job putting your thoughts to words in this. The way you wrote her saying goodbye in almost a peaceful way created a soft sort of blanket over it all that I really enjoyed. I very rarely read Marauders, but I'm so happy I chose this story of yours.
I think the way you moved through Lily's thoughts and balanced the pain -- never getting to tell her son to comb his hair, but knowing someone else will love him enough to do so -- was a great way to give the clear impression that even in this sort of peace she's found, letting go still hurt way too much to imagine.
I also really liked that you wrote a story and let the song slip in, instead of the song being what was necessary to keep the story alive (if that makes sense :P). Song fics are too often just retellings of the lyrics, so the fact that the you wrote an actual story then included a few sections of the song just to help set the mood worked really well.
One thing that I think you could define more clearly is when this is taking place. Whether it's in the moments just before Voldemort kills her or if it's in the moments just after and she's seeing his as sort of a ghost of herself. Doing that shouldn't be hard at all -- you could add something about her seeing her body on the ground if it's the latter. If it's the former, something about he preparing for the monster that was just seconds away from breaking into the room would do the trick :). It isn't even necessary to include if you don't want to, I just found myself curious about it ;).
This is a really pretty one shot, Miluv! You have such an awesome start with FF and I can't wait to see where else your writing takes you!
♥ Jami Report Review
Hi there! Review Tag!
Okay -- I've read a few different stories about Dominique and Teddy being unfaithful behind Victoire's back. This is by far my favorite.
You captured something that I feel like most authors aren't able to: the absolute pain this puts Dominique in. It isn't just he own pain, but what she's doing to her sister and that made a big difference for me.
You also made her weak, very weak, with the memory of the strong girl she used to be. Again, something I absolutely loved. I loved how she couldn't let go and she *knew* how stupid she was being, but she couldn't walk away from it. She was too weak to tell him goodbye, too in loved with him in such a terrible terrible way. They're so bad for one another and hurting so many people in their path, but it's killing Dom just as much and i love that.
This is hands down one of the most realistic from the mistress's PoV story I've read. You made sure not to leave anything out. Her anger at Teddy, her anger at herself, her disgust with both of them, her jealousy of Victoire even though she knows that it's *her* fault and not her sister's. And more than anything her desperate desire to go back to that time when she was young, when she would have laughed at a stupid girl doing this sort of thing.
This was a really impressive one shot. I really enjoyed it!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello there! Wow, thankyou so much for this review!
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this and that Dominique made sense as a character. When I wrote this, it felt more like of a story about an unhealthy, destructive relationship than a story about infidelity, so I was trying to put her weakness and misery at the forefront- it's absolutely wonderful to know that that came off well!
You're completely right about all those emotions, and it's fantastic to know that these things make sense! I think that somebody in Dominique's position would have to be pretty broken up to end up there...
This was such a lovely review to get! You seem to have got exactly what I hoped people would from this story- thank you so much for taking the time to comment on it!
-Bethany Report Review
Hi Bec, here for the Gryffie review exchange! This was a really, really good chapter!
I loved the way you started us out in her classroom. I enjoy watching her teach as well as the details you make up surrounding what she has to teach. I think she does an awesome job with getting things started and balancing being a nice teacher but still strict enough to keep things going.
Her thoughts regarding the Ravenclaw Slytherin class made me giggle. I can't imagine that being an easy class. We know that both Houses can be quite the know it alls, but it was nice to learn that Slytherins have toned it down since Harry's time at school. And, well, hers too I suppose :P!
I was really curious where you were going with the build up of the student liking to transfigure human parts. With the essay I thought it was just a fun detail, then when the teapot came about I figured you had something up your sleeve.
However, I did NOT expect a Cedric flashback :(! That was so sad but really well written. I think keeping the fact that this girl did see horrors alive is so important, and you really places the reminder perfectly here. His body transformed so smoothly that I could feel her pain, and i just wanted to hug her!
The hospital wing scene was also really well done. I liked that her first concern was for her student. The only thing I wasn't crazy about that section is when McGonagall says she doesn't know what happened, because her next sentence shows she does know. It was really heart wrenching, but it wasn't hard to figure out why Emily had broken down, so it was just odd that McGonagall doubted the reasoning she told Emily.
The arrival at home felt just right. Relief, the annoyances of parents, then ending it on such a soft note when her mother says it's lovely to have her back.
All in all a really awesome chapter! Report Review
Oh Courtney! I had a feeling you were going to end it with something like this, the way Tori has been spiraling out of control. For a while, when the story first started and we all realized either we'd learn Tori was gone for good or would come back, I tried to think what could have happened to her. Something like this crossed my mind, but I thought she loved herself too much to do it.
But then with the last handful of her chapters, when we just watch her break more and more, it became clear that it's not she loves her self too much, it's that she doesn't love herself at all. She struggles to get people to love *her* because she can't do it, so I started thinking this might be a very real possibility but actually reading it was so much different than what I thought.
The memory of the fire, of her being the cause of it, was a really powerful way to lead Tori into the kind of desperation she's feeling. And it's obvious to see why Rebecca is so intent on finding her. She realizes what may have happened, and is probably blaming herself, thinking that if only she'd been a friend to Tori when she needed it the most maybe it wouldn't have happened. But someone like Tori wouldn't ever have been okay, and ugh now I just feel so sad for her and wish she'd have held on a little longer.
I loved the way you wrote it, by the way. Obviously you have to stay on the right side of a very thin line for ToS, but even if you wouldn't have had to I still like this way better. Not descriptive, not graphics, just the line 'and then, very suddenly, there was no now.' was an amazing way to make it clear what happened but keep it almost poetic.
Awesome, awesome chapter Courtney! Report Review
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