This was the closest I've ever come to really feeling bad for Tori. Every is falling apart so, so much. I didn't even think of her being pregnant! Why, I have no idea, but oh my gosh. This is also the first time that I can see a tiny bit of hope that she may have the chance yet to become a good person. She's changing and she knows that, but she doesn't want that. Yet she needs to realize that's the only thing that can possibly give her a chance at become a person again, ha!
Oh I do NOT condone her actions at the party! You are pregnant, missy! Not that she cares, I'm sure. And it seems very in character. But still, bad!
You really did an awesome job in this building us up to the sort of breaking of everything. The pregnancy, James catching her with Albus, Becky seeing it... it was all just so, so perfect. And it starts to show is why Rebecca may be so devoted now. Something must happen very shortly after this chapter and we'll see why that resulted in Becky's unwavering devotion. I'm guessing whatever happens, they don't make up before it does and then she feels terrible.
So much stress and drama in this chapter! I loved it! And now I'm torn between trying to figure out if Tori will do something bad to herself or if she'll just up and leave... eek!
Also, awesome job showing more of James's anger in this. It was the same sort as when he told Tori to shut up as when Charlie is wearing her costume. Not nearly as angry of course, but you really do well with keeping him the same person! Just a worse version of himself with Tori and a better version with Charlie. Report Review
Fine. You, miss author, you. Have forced me to review the last published chapter on this. My plan was to wait until you posted a new Undertow chapter, then review this. Then review that. Hoping by the time both of those reviews were done, there would be ANOTHER chapter. That plan did not work. I'm probably going to poke you as soon as I finish this review, btw.
Anyway , Lily. Is it bad to say that I love that she lied? When her mom confronted her about Lorcan. And I love that you've tied us back to the first chapter.
Back to the lying. We know how much Lily has put into this plan. We know how important it is to her to see it through, and with nothing being able to be done about Lorcan and the fact that she's a moody teenage girl, her lying felt very realistic.
The scene between Lily and Harry was one of my favorite to read. I think the realization of how young her father really was when he did what did did was an excellent thing to add in this chapter, and I felt like I wanted to hug them both. Even if Lily did use Harry's more push over nature to get herself to the Owlery :P. Their relationship seemed really natural though. I know I've said it a million times, but the fact that you can write such a normal and relatable family really makes me happy. So many stories have terrible parents or parents that spoiled their children to pieces and blah blah and this is just so normal. It's perfect.
And the end of this! The article and Lily's reasoning behind why it had to be someone framing Scorpius were just so solid. I love the way she's able to think things through. Obviously we see a bit of her own biased in it, but she definitely got Harry's skills for solving puzzles. She goes through and eliminates what it *couldn't* have been to help make it more clear of what had to have happened, and I love that.
And I also feel like Lily just got herself in way too deep... haha Report Review
Shelby Shelby Shelby!!! Finally! So, right now Iím new (used) car shopping. And itís a nightmare. I know exactly what I want and I canít find it. Anyway, I spent about ten hours the past two days in and out of dealerships and naming negotiations and THIS CHAPTER has been planned as my Monday morning reward ♥
I took some notes of things I wanted to mention back when I read this the first time, so if this review seems off itís from blending old notes and new thoughts :p.
Fabian has such a perfect of Fred and George in him. The fact that heís going through all the trouble to get a Muggle suit made so heís able to attend this date as opposed to just blowing her off (like most sane people would do) just reminds me so much of the twins. Itís bitter sweet, but for now Iím just going to focus on the sweet. You made such an awesome and creative decision by bringing a canon character that we all love, but donít really know anything about in this. Even just briefly, it connects Eileen to the wizarding world and gives us a glimpse of how successful she is a seamstress. She isnít running a hole in the wall barely staying afloat shop. Her business is thriving, and thatís something I really like.
Before that though, with Hannah, we see how kind Eileen is. You really slipped in the perfect details to show us why Hannah needs that kindness. Sheís joking about the amount of children she has, but it sets the stage for a perfect Mrs. Weasley type of woman. Sweet, not wanting to talk of her trouble, but barely getting by. So Eileen offering this small gesture really made me want to hug her. Youíre developing her into such a relatable and likable character. ♥
Viola! I loved what her introduction meant. Of course it was nice to see a bit of Eileenís past, but it was even nicer to see that she isnít completely happy with where her life is at. But she also realizes itís a good one so that isnít something sheís going to dwell on. I love the touch of longing you had in that last section though. It really did a lot to make me, as a reader, feel like I had to find out just what would change in Eileenís life to help with that longing. And the mention of her parentsí death was perfect because it opened up a whole new set of questions. Why hadnít she told Fabian the truth and why was their death so unknown? Dun dun dun!
Your writing is gorgeous, as always. I loved this chapter and canít wait for the next ♥! Report Review
Ohh Draco has made so much progress! Even some of the things in this chapter that are just smaller details, like Draco using the servantís staircase and acquiring Muggle money, show how slowly but surely heís able to morph into a living, breathing human. A few years ago heíd have been appalled at stepping on the same stairs that the servants use. But in this situation, where itís either do that or deal with his father again, heís able to chose the one that best suits him. That part, choosing what best suits him, is very Draco which balanced out using the servants staircase nicely.
And I loved that, even if he wouldnít admit it, there are a few things about the Muggle world he may enjoy. I really want to hear what Lucius would say if he knew that his son was not only using Muggle money, but spending a signifiant amount of time surrounded by them. Mwahha.
His thoughts about the past argument with Lucius reminded me what an unstable life Draco really does come from. Iíll always see Narcissa as a good mother, to the best of her ability. And Iím sure Lucius, despite destroying his son with his own messed up ideas, still spoiled Draco. But from the moment Voldemort regained power and came to life in book four, Dracoís life would never be the same. Now his dad isnít just the feared Lucius Malfoy, heís a possession of the Dark Lord. Making Draco a possession of the Dark Lord. And now, after itís all said and done, heís left with a shell of a father who is too detached and messed up to realize itís time to let go of the past.
Iím so happy youíve made Narcissa the way she is. I think itís nice that Draco has at least one parent a bit more in touch with reality.
Ohh this was such a big step for Draco! Heís gained a lot this evening. Respect from Minerva, which I canít imagine being easy to get, his freedom around the school, and a real, solid reward for all the work heís been doing. He started out to build something of himself. To get rid of the pathetic drunk that parents didnít want their daughters talking to. And this was such an awesome confirmation that, no matter how challenging it may be, what heís doing does mean something and it is working. I think heís even enjoying getting himself back into society more than he thought he would.
And this opportunity could be a huge one for him! I hope he follows through with the Potions job at the Ministry, because it could be a huge step in the right direction.
Oh this last section! Okay, all Iím going to say about Isadore and Astoriaís section is HAHAHA. I donít really love Isadore, but I do think sheís a good balance for Astoria. Sometimes I wonder if sheís more interested in being Astoriaís friend because she cares about her or because she likes to gossip. But I suppose if she was just a normal sweet friend she wouldnít be a Slytherin :P. But still, their conversation absolutely cracked me up. Nice euphemisms ;).
Now I want to move on to my favorite part of this whole chapter - the very end of the last section. I have such a hard time really getting my opinions on Mr. Greengrass accurate. Itís clear he loves Astoria and wants whatís best for her. But he doesnít value how smart and capable she really is. I just wish heíd stop trying to control her and let her make some of her own choices, but he wouldnít be pureblood father of perfect pureblood princess if he did that. Still, it was a very, very good way for Astoria to realize that this wonít stop and sheís going to end up hurting someone. Sheís not going to let herself get hurt, sheís not going to hurt Draco. Sheís going to hurt the people who are trying so desperately to run every aspect of her life.
Iím very, very excited for the next chapter! So much happened in this, and itís easy to see just how these two would have fallen so in love.Author's Response: Yay! Jami's here!
Draco's coming along quite nicely, yes? He's still a work in progress, but the key pieces are in place. Now we just have to see whether they come together properly. He's figured out what in idiot his father is. He's got something to live for. And he's even managed to dial his muggle-hate down a notch.
Draco really does come from a messed up background. I do think that Narcissa really loves him and does her best, but she comes from the terrifyingly dysfunctional House of Black, so I her ideas about how to be a good mother are probably rather skewed. And Lucius is probably the world's wealthiest wannabe (say that 5 times fast...). He fills Draco's head full of nonsense, makes him think that he's royalty, buys his way onto the Quidditch team, constantly interferes with Draco's school... Basically Lucius is the Little League Dad from Hell. It's a miracle Draco didn't turn out any worse than he did.
I feel like McGonagall felt duty-bound to acknowledge Draco's progress, but she felt dirty when the conversation was over. She probably went straight to her quarters and took a long, hot shower. ;)
I don't think of Isadore as lovable, really. She plays a role in Astoria's life, and a fairly important one at that. Isadore is "that friend" who kind of holds up a mirror to Astoria and lets her see an exaggerated version of some of her own less positive traits. Also, I imagine she's a good laugh. I'm glad you liked the euphemisms. Some of my best work, right there. :p
I'm glad that you feel ambivalent toward Mr. and Mrs. Greengrass, because that's exactly how Astoria feels. They're her parents, they've always been good to her, loving and supportive, and she loves them in return. But she's reaching an age where she wants to be in control of her own life and they simply aren't ready to let go. That's not the background they come from and Astoria is their baby.
I have lots of ideas for the next chapter! Let's see how quickly I can knock that sucker out. Thanks for another awesome review! Report Review
Hi there :)! Sorry about the tardiness of this review. Last month was crazy for me. Just a heads up, you may want to add a link to your AP in your signature :). You liked me to the wrong area with your story link, so having one of those is a good back up in case that happens again :). If you arenít sure how to do that, you can send me a PM and Iíll explain :)!
On to your story!
This is definitely an interesting start. You really did a great job with painting us a clear picture of Ana and her surroundings. I really liked that you slipped in her appearance while she was glancing over the daily prophet.
I know you asked about plot, but itís a bit too early to make any sort of decision on that. I think the idea of Bellatrix NOT being Bellatrix when she was killed is very creative, and I really hope you follow up with who was killed/why someone used the potion to look like her... all that sort of stuff. Once the tutor did a double take with the newspaper and Ana, I started assuming that she must be related to Bellatrix, so I was happy to see that she was her daughter!
You did an awesome job getting the readers interested with the combination of Anaís parentage and Bellatrixís escape from Bellatrix (with her still being alive, of course!)
There are a few things I would suggest to get the flow down a bit better. Like with this paragraph:
Narcissa knew that Ana hated the extra studying, but never cared. Maybe it was that she did it on purpose to annoy and aggravate her. Whichever it was, neither Ana, nor Lucias ( Narcissa's husband) would put it past her or find it out of the ordinary. Narcissa constantly was on the lookout for another opportunity to make Ana miserable.
You could smoothen it out a bit like this:
Ana was certain that Narcissa knew she hated extra studying. Despite that, the woman still insisted on it. Maybe she did it purely to annoy the teenager, which wouldnít come as a surprise to either Ana or Lucius, Narcissaís husband. It seemed Mrs. Malfoy was constantly searching for opportunities to make Ana miserable.
I really like the idea that Ana thought maybe Narcissa didnít like her because of the memories sheíd bring back in the war.
I think you have an awesome start here! Itís a creative plot, and I think with a bit of cleanup this chapter would grasp even more readers than it already has :)!
♥ Jami Report Review
Ash. Cliches aside (which I still enjoy) this was awesome. Obviously your writing had gotten a lot better since this, but this is still really, really good. Usually when you click on someoneís older story itís very rough, but even your older ones are still so awesome.
Hermione and Draco is something I actually donít dislike. Lady Malfoy was my first story on here :P. And I think Iíd really love a story about them getting together as adults, maybe after theyíd both lost their significant others. So I really loved that this took place so many years forward, and even when they did get together in the past, that it was still in their adult hood.
You know how everyone says stuff about people, like Ďtheyíd never do that!í Well, okay. Cynic side talking here, but you never really know what someone would do. If Ron and Hermioneís fighting had been bad enough, if she was watching so much theyíd worked for crumble and they werenít seeing eye to eye and couldnít get along, something like that could very well happen. No one ever thinks theyíd cheat on their partner nor plans that, but it still happens all the time. Because people get hurt, they get fed up, they get sick of whatever is making them so sad and they forget the reasons that they thought theyíd never betray someone they love. Anyway, what Iím trying to say, is though I think itís very unlikely, I donít think it would be impossible for Hermione to make that kind of mistake.
Though Iím sure youíve read so many stories in the queue like this now that youíll totally disagree :P.
Having Ronís death shake Hermione so deeply is a clear fact that she loved him very much. So no matter what happened in the past, they worked together and worked things out. And to have such an amazing wizard die such a... muggle death :(. itís so sad that his mother outlived him. Molly should never have to outlive any of her children again :(.
Hermioneís emotions felt very real during this. Especially her need to do the mundane to keep it together. Take care of her house, clean, try and be normal. I loved that Ginny wasnít going to let that happen, though. She was going to stay there and help Hermione whether the girl liked it or not. I was kind of sad we didnít see more of the Potter/Weasley bunch, but I suppose since this story wasnít actually theirs, thatís understandable :P.
Ohhh the twist about Connor. I did NOT expect that. And even when Draco started saying that sheís lucky he looks so much like her, I thought it was just going to be some remark about how Ronís ugly or something, haha! And then when I started getting it! Youíre a sneaky author, you. And it was actually really nice of Draco not to try find out until after Ron had passed. It showed that he did have respect for Hermione nad Rons marriage, and wasnít going to disrupt everything.
Itís not going to be long now until I have everyone on your page (besides Snily :P) reviewed. Which means you need to get yourself going on writing, missy.
Youíre awesome. That is all. Report Review
FINALLY. Hi Ash ♥ Iím going to try and erase me James mushy lovey feels and remind myself that this was back when he was a little brat. Hehe.
I love that you stared off sort of giving us a great look at where James stood. He realizes heís handsome, well liked, though maybe not as much as Sirius but itís clear that doesnít really bother him. And Iím melting over the description of Sirius.
ĎPerhaps not quite as desirable as my best friend, whose floppy dark hair and ignorant disposition give him that ďrebelĒ look, but I at least have the quidditch thing going for me.í
That could possible be my favorite part, but considering Iím still in the paragraph thereís a very good chance that could change. But who can resist a rebel? *Swoons over Sirius.*
We see a lot of Severus jealous of James stuff, and not as much of the other side. I think itís pretty clue through what we know of canon that James was jealous of Snape, at least of his relationship with Lily. And focusing on that widens the picture up so much. I wish I was sitting next to James so I could make fun of him for being so enamored, haha.
Their thoughts, James and Severus, are really similar in this. How we know Severus was often accusing James of paying attention to Lily just to make him angry. But here, itís James that suspects that of Severus. Poor Lily... with both of these boy obsessed she never had a chance, haha!
I also really like that this is taking place in the library with just James. Itís nice to see him studying, even if heís spending all his study time thinking about his hate for Severus and love for Lily, haha. But itís still a really natural place for the three of them to all be together, or at least near each other.
I really love the argument between Severus and James. Itís sad that neither of them realize that Lily is capable of making her own decisions, and that no matter what they think Lily will end up with and be friends with who she wants.
Most of Jamesís points are very true. He knows Lily isnít going to become what Severus strives for, that his desire for power and dark arts are too great and will eventually break them apart. But itís still sad to see such a conniving side of him. Someone needs to have his snack taken away :P
I really loved the more unique similes you had going through this. It was written in more of a formal tone, and that was so much fun to read. The way James kind of went on tangents of descriptions revolving around Severus seriously made me giggle. Creative mind, that boy has. And his author ;)
And first person point of view! You pulled it off really, really well - great - perfect. I feel like the biggest downfall of first person is a lot of people have trouble figuring out how to get descriptions in and paint a picture while keeping it natural. Being stuck in one head but still getting a picture of whatís going on isnít easy, and you did such an awesome job of it. I canít believe this was your first experience with it, because itís really, really awesome.
I also had a lot of fun reading the more snarky side of Lily. Not that she didnít have every right to be angry by how Severus spoke to her, but watching her take that anger out on James too made me giggle. Those red heads :P
This was really, really great Ash. Iím so sorry itís taken me so long to get here, but the writing was superb! LOVE YOU. Report Review
This was a really sweet one shot. I'm not sure if I've ever read this pairing, but this was an awesome introduction to them.
I think you highlighted Katie's feelings really well. You made it clear she cares about Oliver but isn't willing to keep trying if it's only going to result in her becoming heart broken.
The twins' appearance in this may have been my favorite part. The way they obviously knew what Oliver didn't, seemed so in character. Especially hinting about it right in front of him! Very clever!
I loved the part about Snape and how his private hours are causing him to think up more pop quizzes in his cranium. I can't think that a surprise exam from that man would be anything less than miserable ;P
If I was to make a suggestion, it would be to let your story play out a bit more. Give us more time with Katie before Oliver interrupts her. Give the two of them more time together to talk things out. It was really really lovely but just felt like there could have been a lot more. I think that's true for most one shots, though.
I still really enjoyed this story and found myself ginning by the end!
Jami Report Review
So much amazing in this chapter; let me explain before I start this review that I have to begin every sentence with adverb so that's why it's going to sound so odd. Always love a Sirius story, but you've one and broken my heart with this one :(. After Lydia was killed, I wasn't sure where you would go from there, but of course you had to continue to twist the knife you plunged into my heart.
While Sirius was remembering the movie/photobooth date, it was easy to hope somehow she pulled through, though we knew that wouldn't be the case. Because of her and Sirius's involvement, it's easy to see how he'd blame himself, but I'm so happy James is there to remind him that it wasn't his fault and he only hurts so much because he cared :(. Intentionally murdering is obviously Bellatrix's forte, but to show how much she destroyed Sirius with this just breaks my heart :(.
Sometimes we forget that these people all had lives; they had families, love interests, so many things besides the order. Now, to watch Sirius lose something amazing he'd found is just a terrible way to make it clear that the war really did take nearly everything from him. Then when you tied all this into the Secret Keeper, that was so creative! Seldom do authors give a reason for the switch other than he thought it would be a better idea, but this back story is really, really a great thing (though heart breaking) to give the canon moment a new back story.
While I was reading it, I noticed a few things like, "He continued with a look of pure glee on his face as he continued to ramble enthusiastically" that could be cleaned up a bit. Because you already say continued in this sentence, you could so something like, "He continued with a look of pure glee on his face as he rambled on enthusiastically." So that would sort of tighten up the sentence, but that's nothing big obviously and this entire story was really lovely, Lauren.
Finally, I want to say how excited I am for you; you completed your first chartered fic and it was such an incredible one that really showed off how much you're improving as an author ♥ Report Review
The ending of this chapter with Rose going to Scorpius was really, really sweet. I'm impressed that Ron is managing to hold it together for so long, but we all know when he snaps it will be a nice dramatic one. Our poor little Ron... I loved Harry's thoughts about how he was glad it wasn't happening yet, because he'd need Hermione and Ginny there with him when Ron does flip out, haha.
The lead playing out with Draco made a lot of sense, and I can't help but think the Society is more dangerous than ever if they wanted to Recruit Lucius. It has to be some old family name... ugh I can't figure it out! You sneaky mystery maker, you.
Rose needing to process what had just happened before talking to her mother or aunt was an awesome detail. So much has changed for her ever since coming back home, and I doubt she ever expected to fall in love. *insert warm fuzzy hearts here.*
I really loved that Harry wasn't shocked by the relationship. Like he said, they were two people that had a lot in common. And he isn't holding any sort of grudge with his niece dating a Malfoy. At least, he doesn't appear to be. Now if we could just get Ron to agree.. ;)
Another amazing chapter ♥ Report Review
Oh Val, this was such a heart breaking chapter. I really loved how much of it revolved around Simon.
A while ago I was at the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC, and everything I saw there was just brought to the surface with this chapter. I wanted so badly for them to Disapparate. I knew they didn't obviously, but I still wanted it. And Simons's father's reasoning was actually really solid. It's just sad that know one realized what kind of place they were really going until it was too late. Like he said though, he is a French citizen. He fought for his country. Why would he be worried about them hurting him and his family? It's just so terrible how much was done to these people.
Can't Simon Disapparate from his camp into the girls and and find them and then take them away? I know I know, he would never be able to do it fast enough without the Nazis shooting him. But it's so terrible and ugh ;(.
Simon's mom being pregnant and the detail about his baby brother being born dead. You're trying to break my heart today, aren't you? Val, will you please get him and his sisters and mom out alive? Pretty please? I'll give you chocolate.
Your details are perfect for Simon's section. You don't make anything over the top. The simpleness of it all, the bowl of milk, the being woken up in such a crude way, it just highlights the kind of life they were living and the terrible one they were headed to.
I'm not sure what I think about Astrid being separated from the group. It does seem like, as long as false alibi plays out, she's safe. But I don't like her being there without the rest of them. I hope that she's able to stay safe here though, and maybe even get enjoyment out of being back at teaching.
A really sad, but lovely chapter, Val! I'm anxious for the next! Report Review
Hi A&A (if you don't mind me asking, are you Alicia or Anne?)
I listened to this story over at HPPC and had to come review it! I'm excited to see that there are two more posted chapters, and can't wait to get the time to read those as well!
This was a really creative beginning to what seems like an awesome story. I loved that you gave us something to grip into: Harry's fear. Was his family attacked? Was the man who never gets a break going to have to deal with more horrors even after the terrible things he'd seen as a teenager?
Or...was he going to find his teenage son laying face down heart broken over his mum cancelling which weekly... hahahah!
I think that the annoyance Harry starts to feel is perfect. He was sensitive when he thought James had his heart broken by a girl, and that was awesome. He's been there; he understands. Then when he realized he'd hurt himself and been scared out of his wits because his son was mourning the loss of a magazine, his impatience grew. That felt really natural and I was just giggling all through that section.
One thing I would suggest is maybe changing the Santa Clause thing. I know it's meant to be funny, but in sort of disrupted an already really funny chapter for me and de-aged them in a not awesome way. I do like the idea of something being spoiled in the process of this for Albus, but why not making it age appropriate? Harry is logical and Ginny is very no-nonsense, so I do think they'd have already told their 12/14/15 year old son that Santa Clause does not exist :P. Maybe you could do something like, 'Who knows, she's probably off ruining more lives. Maybe she's telling Albus that his Quaffle signed by *insert quidditch player here* is just a plain old Quaffle that she signed herself.'
Just something that would still be really disappointing without making us wonder all the sudden if Albus is actually a seven year old :P.
Moving on! Your writing flowed so perfectly in this. You transitioned us from Harry's fear, realization, annoyance then by the time you ended it we had a very good idea of what kind of story we're in for. I love that. I love that you captured my attention from the start and by the time I reached the end, I was even more excited to find out what happens next. Harry dealing with a house of three teenagers, one of those being a daughter who has him wrapped around her finger, all without Ginny is really going to be a challenge. Everything from your first paragraph to the last kept me really submerged into this, and I'm so excited to read on!Author's Response: Heya hun!
I'm actually called Tammi haha, so neither of them actually. It was the name of two characters from a story that I wrote with my friend when we used to fan fiction together, and now it's just me.
I'm so glad that you liked the podcast, Aditi is great isn't she? :D I'm so glad that you like that there's more chapters. I hope that you enjoy them.
I'm so happy that you like the whole fear factor with Harry, who would have guessed that he would find James heartbroken over a magazine?
I'm so glad that it made you giggle with Harry, I would be annoyed as well if that happened to me.
Thank you for your suggestion, I was trying to think of something that would cause Albus to react like that and Santa Claus was all I could think of at the time. But I love your suggestion, is it okay if I use it? Just change it up a little? I absolutely love your idea!
Your kind words in this review have made my day. I'm so glad that you liked my writing in this and I'm so thankful for your help, I appreciate it so much.
Thank you! Report Review
You know, I guess maybe because I've been reading these quickly that I haven't noticed quite as much before, but now that RL went a bit psycho on me and I'm just getting back I have to say that your writing has gotten so much better through the course of this story. Not that it was ever bad or anything like that, but you're adding in more description in more subtle ways, your giving your characters way to develop themselves through their actions. Like in this chapter--
Charlie is really embarrassed about getting in trouble, well sort of trouble, in class. But she also thought James's joke was funny with the curse me sign. Those are two very small things and just fit naturally into this chapter but they do a ton to help keep us on track about what kind of person Charlie is. She's a good student to a point and wants to do well, but it's more authority that scares her than bad grades. She's only ever really had her mom to yell at her, and who cares about that. So getting called out by a teacher is a lot scarier. But she's also not exactly a goody girl that has a problem with a joke now and then. She's very normal in the best sense of the word. You haven't tried to make her over the top with anything and I really love that about her.
Anyway, your writing really has improved a lot through the course of this and I'm anxious to finish and start one of your newer novels and see the difference between those and this!
Although I'm partially not excited to finish this because then I know somethings going to have to happen :(. Either Tori will come back, and that will cause some serious issues, or she won't and the reason that she won't will cause issues too I'm sure.
Another thing I really love is that while Charlie's life seems to be getting better, more stable, Tori's is falling. Tori started out on top of the world ready to take on the school, and now she's just breaking more and more severely. Charlie started out terrified of this all and really not okay, but she's slowly coming out of her shell and is becoming not just social, but she's really making such good friends and a very sweet bf.
Speaking of sweet, James's line about what he would do if Tori came back. Oh gosh, heart throb much? Maybe I'll switch places with Charlie ;).
Another very lovely chapter ♥Author's Response: Gah! I can't tell you how sorry I am about how long this review took! *looks away in shame* However I'm here now, so everyone can let out a giant round of applause and I can go beet red and stammer out my thanks.
Right. I'm glad you think my writing has improved! I think so too (I know, I'm spectacularly modest) especially when I compare the first chapter of this to the last chapter!
Yes! You are 100% right about Charlie's life getting better and Tori's slowly getting worse. I was wondering whether anyone would pick up on that :P
Thank you for the lovely review!
Courtney:) Report Review
Ohhh I feel so sad :(. I thought I submitted my review on the second, and then just looked to see if youíd responded, and I realized the review never went through :(!
Iím sorry this is now late! But I couldnít let anyone else get your birthday review when I wanted it all to myself!
Happy late birthday darling!
I love the way youíve started this. You set a perfect scene with Ginny. Not a comforting one of course, but perfect for the feeling youíre conveying with the start. Having her be unaware of the time that has passed was a really awesome touch because that just immediately makes the reader for desperate for her. Having even the basic sense of time taken away because of the darkness is a scary thought, and one that fit so well into this.
The pot calling the kettle black comment was so true, haha. I feel so bad for Ginny though being in that situation of having on idea whatís going on then having to hear these two bicker.
OH my gosh that was NOT expected! Now how disoriented she was makes a lot of sense!
Ohhh this turned so much darker than I expected but I canít say that Iím disappointed. I think the twist was really well done, especially considering Ginny didnít even know what she was. The missing students having been thought dead is the perfect way to sort of create this group of (sorry Ginny) monsters. Obviously theyíd be as good as dead to their family members, now part of this vampire cult, and Ginnyís slow realization that she was now part of it was really well done.
Iím happy you left it the way you did and never actually told what happened with the girl, though you leave the impression that Ginny wonít be able to fight what she now is.
There was a lot of really lovely description, well not lovely because it was quite terrifying, but you get what I mean.
I really enjoyed this Meg, and happy birthday ♥ Sorry again that itís a few days late :(.Author's Response: JChrissy.
No worries:) I couldn't get on this weekend anyway. I was horribly busy! Thank you for the sweet birthday review.
I've been wanting a vampire fic for a while now but I didn't want it to be cliche. It seems like vampires are all the rage right now so I wanted to stay away from being like every other story. I wondered if I over did it in the first part where Ginny is in the room alone.
Hehe, I couldn't help myself. Most of the time I think of Pansy that way but not Ginny.
I will have a bit more fun with the group of 'misfits' :) I'm glad you liked the idea of a band of missing students and group of people. I wonder if Ginny will be able to just give in and be a part of the group. Hmmm?
Thank you once again for the great review. I love hearing your thoughts.
Meg Report Review
Review tag! Hi there!
I'm sure someone has pointed this out, but your format is a bit off. I know that probably doesn't seem like a huge thing, but having your first chapter look as clean as possible is a really important aspect of getting new readers. When you update a chapter and your story goes to the
'recently added' list, you'll have people click on it out of curiosity and the odd paragraphs can be a big turn off. I'd definitely suggest either using the 'paste as plain text' option or using the simple editor option.
On to the story! This is a really interest start! AU can be a lot of fun, and I like that you're bringing back so many students we know from Hogwarts!
Having Harry and Ludo as judges together is a really creative idea. I wonder how long until they get on one another's nerves? :P
I'm anxious to see if Rita ends up sticking to her word and writing unbiased, factual articles or if she'll pull the same stuff we know so well.
The competitors being required to sleep out in the tents is an awesome way to show that it really is a competition. Giving them a more rugged living quarters as opposed to the comforts of the castle is a really fun idea!
I do think you could benefit from doing a little more showings vs. telling and really helping us create a mental image. Like here:
Ludo and Harry led the contestants and Rita inside the castle. The students looked around in awe at the castle they learned from. Not a single piece of damage from the final battle was present.
You tell us that they're in awe and that there is no sign of the damage, but what about showing us? If you wanted to do it from Harry's perspective you could do something like:
Ludo and Harry led the group through the heavy doors of the castle, and from behind Harry could hear a chorus of gasps and murmurs. A small smile crept over his lips as he realized what the excitement was about; this was the first time they'd seen the school since the final battle, since the countess hours that had been spent putting the large concoction of magic and wood back together. Harry had been treated to an early peek at it considering he'd been in and out helping Ludo set up, but the beauty of it still surprised him.
So that ^ is sort of what I mean by showing vs telling. Not the best paragraph I've ever written, but you get the idea :P
I do think you're off to a great start on what promises to be a fun story! And I'm happy to see Lavender is as annoying as ever, haha.Author's Response: Hi Jchrissy!
Thank you for the review. The next couple of chapters should look better. I just made a mistake on the formatting, and fixed it.
I will try to work on the show more, tell less aspect, although the next two chapters have already been submitted and I don't have any changes.
Thank you for the advice and I hope you read more! Report Review
I have been trying to review this all stinking day and work keeps distracting me. Why I can't quit and just be an HPFF reviewer, I have no idea. Oh. I'd starve to death.
I love that you've started his in a matter of fact sort of way. I'm not sure if you've seen desperate house wives, but it reminds me of the voice overs delivered in that. I really like that you've given us enough information and kept your style consistent, without drowning us. We got a very good feel for Eloise. She's average on a lot of fronts, but it's easy to see that she's average more because she makes herself be. Except for her intelligence of course. There's nothing average about that.
This is random, but I LOVE that you used chrysalis. So many people say cocoon for butterfly and I always want to correct them and inform them that only moths makes cocoons. But I'd feel like a nerd so I never do, haha. So I just had a huge smile when I read that.
To answer your AN, I think Eloise feels very realistic so far! I'm excited to get to learn more about her, and very excited to see where you take this story!
Another novel... you crazy girl :P
Also-- this was, imo, some of your best writing. It felt really clean and polished. Wonderful job!Author's Response: But I would send you food!
I haven't seen Desperate Housewives, but I'm happy you thought this flowed well. Eloise is definitely trying to make herself average so she goes unnnoticed -- as long as people let her wander about in peace, she's happy.
Haha, well I didn't know only moths made cocoons, but I'll keep that in mind for the future! (I just chrysalis because it sounded prettier, if you really want to know.)
Another novel, I know... And I have exams so I'm not sure how everything will fit, but once July kicks in updates should be more regular :)
Also, your last comment really made me smile, and I'll try to keep that up throughout the story!
&hearts Report Review
I've been trying to make my way over here all weekend! Rawr!
I love this chapter even more than I did before. I think you made the perfect choice in where to start the story, and seeing the kind of pain Penelope underwent, both emotionally and physically, was a really powerful way to begin your tale.
I still found myself wishing by some tiny ray of hope that Penelope would survive. Obviously I knew how this chapter ends, but I really found myself rooting for her. Stinking optimistic side of me, haha.
The fact that Ursula hurts for Penelope, but also for herself at the idea of raising another child is more than perfect. A lot of people would have taken a different route and had her more than willing to raise the boy, ready to throw everything aside and delve into motherhood again. That's sweet, but for Ursula it's not realistic. She's old, she's tired, and she was ready to be done with this. She's a good woman, kind enough to take in a newborn, but you kept an astonishing balance of 'good' and 'realistic' for her. I thought that on my very first read through then decided I'd wait until I reviewed to mention it ;)
I love seeing you put your talent for descriptions into a story like this. There are much less of them, as it should be because no one wants to swift through a zillion prose to get to what's happening. We want to feel your characters. But you still don't neglect them, and the things you choose to describe as well as the way you describe them is, to me, what really makes your talent shine. Obviously it takes a lot of skill to describe everything in numerous beautiful way, but I think it takes *more* to know what to describe and to paint a picture of it without pulling your reader out. You do that so, so perfectly.
Okay, this is quickly turning into a Jami squee on Shelby fest. Haha. But before I go I just have to say how honored I am to get to go on this FIRST NOVEL journey with you ♥Author's Response: Hi darling! I'm sorry for such a late response - it's been crazy, as you know!
You know you didn't have to review, right? You are just too sweet, I can't handle it! I'm so glad you liked it even more than before - that means I'm doing something right! Oh, I was the same way. I was hoping that I could figure out some way for Penelope to live. I really wanted that for her, but as you know, it just couldn't happen. And you, always the optimist - it's a good thing!
Yay! I don't know if mentioned it, but I wanted that struggle for Ursula. It's not fair at her age to be saddled with a newborn. She's worked for the right to die with a little peace and no worries. Despite that, she takes in this child. I love it because it's so human, you know? So realistic. And I'm glad you approve!
Thank you, thank you! I tried really hard not to pour every ounce of my soul into each description, but knew I couldn't. I have to keep readers interested and engaged. Perfectly? Oh, you're too much of a doll. Absolutely too sweet to me! I'm all mushy-gushy and OMG, all the feels right now!
I'm okay with a Jami sqee - it makes me happy! No, you have no idea how thankful and honored I AM to have you on this journey with me. I know you'll always be honest and will help me make this the best novel it can be! Thank you, thank you! Report Review
Hi there! I was excited to see you requested again because I very much enjoyed Grizzled.
As for the writing style which you mentioned in your concerns. It was extremely clear and I was able to follow exactly what was happening. You did a really great job explaining what was happening without giving it all away. I wasn't confused at all about the characters. You did a great job with telling us right away how many was surrounding him, but did it in a sneaky way. This paragraph:
Because I know him Iím sure heís taking his measurements of the room before showing he is alert. He will see that there are four large, dark figures surrounding him, wands pointed at his heart. Perhaps he has not yet detected me, watching, cowering behind his captors.
Was a really, really, awesome example of getting information across without making it seem like you're just blurting it out and telling us. That related to exactly what was going on and helped increase the anxiety. You made it part of the story by instilling the idea that this boy was alert and trying to asses, but you *also* got it across your readers that this is a boy surrounded by four death eaters/supporters, and that our MC giving us a view into all of this isn't part of this circle, but hiding off in the background.
Anyway, I'll stop blabbering about that paragraph. If I get really nit-picky, I can find a few places where your sentences got a bit wordy. Like:
ďState your name, fool,Ē he snarls. ďNow! Do not stay silent in the presence of the servants of the Dark Lord!Ē
You could clean this up a bit by doing:
"State your name, fool," he snarls. "Do not remain silent under the questioning of the Dark Lord's servants!"
That's not a great example, but you get what I mean. Again, this is just me being insanely nit picky.
I think you definitely conveyed what you wanted in this start. Seeing this through Astoria's eyes, realizing that she's not even safe despite the fact that these are men she's grown up with, is such a terrifying but cool thing. Not cool for her, but cool for the reader because it creates one of those 'chills up your spine' sort of moments.
Also! I think you need to go back and clean up your spacing again. Something must've gone wonky when you posted. If you're having trouble, I'm a huge supporter of using the 'switch to simple editor' option. You can find a guide in there on how to create all your style like italics, bold, the page lines, and all that. And the paragraphs always come out looking just as you want them.
Anyway, this was a really brilliant start and I'm looking forward to seeing your request for the next chapter!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hi!! I'm so glad to receive another of your lovely, thoughtful reviews. :)
I'm really glad that you liked the writing style so far: it's a bit tricky because it was such a short chapter, but I'm so happy to hear that enough was put across. I really try to exercise "showing, not telling" when possible so it's great to hear that it was effective in both setting the mood and filling in the scene!
Ah, being wordy is definitely one of my difficulties. Also, I find dialogue really hard to write for some reason! I can have a huge section of a stream of consciousness flow smoothly, and then the moment I get to dialogue it becomes really awkward and clunky. :P Thank you for pointing that out, I'm planning on going back over these early chapters and doing some edits so your feedback is very helpful and much appreciated!!
I am really helpless with this spacing issue!!! :P I'll keep the simpler editor in mind for the next time it acts up on me!
Thank you so much for another kind and helpful review! I'll be keeping an eye on your review thread and will definitely be re-requesting when a spot opens up. :) Report Review
Hi there!! Sorry for the delay to get to this!
Okay in your review you asked if I like the characters, plot, favorite line and things Iím not so crazy about.
Iím going to start with the plot. I think this is a really interesting idea. Itís clear from that they donít end well, yet they canít help but give it a go. Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I think that setting Catherine and Dom up at this age also works out well. Theyíre still young enough to make mistakes but old enough to be allowed to make them and learn from them.
I did enjoy your characters, although we donít know much about Aston and Dom yet. There are parts where you tend to contradict what you show. For example--Aston runs away from Catherine at first because he doesnít want to be around a girl after just getting rejected, but then is quickly begging to see her again. I think this is one of those important instances where, as a writer, you need to show us whatís happening as opposed to narrating. Was Aston surprised at her persistence in chasing him, and thatís why he chose to stop and have a conversation with her? If so, you can show that to us through their interactions. Maybe heís questioning her on why she followed him, obviously curious as to what would make her go to such lengths.
The same goes with Catherine. She had no desire to be there, was sick of getting hit on, but then suddenly sheís following him down the road simply because he didnít want her. Again, I think you need to *show* us what makes that change inside of her when most people would simply let him go.
Iím not sure if Iím explaining this the right way. I think an example is the best way to go.
--He started to walk away without waiting for another remark or question from that weird girl, but she didn't want the fun to end just yet.
†"Hey, where do you think you're going?" She started to walk behind him and he ignored her. He had just gotten rejected by a girl he had liked for years, so he did not want anything to do with this strange girl who had really started to creep him out by following him. He didn't bother to turn because he knew he was right, he kept on going on thinking that she would eventually give up and go back. He couldn't be more wrong.
"Hey! Stop!" She was stumbling more and running less, but she was not going to back down, especially not today, because today was all about taking chances. Oh great, I have a stalker now.
These ^ are a few paragraphs where I think we could really use a better idea of whatís happening instead of you just narrating the bare minimum. Adding enough to really give us an idea of whatís happening and sink our teeth into it is a large part of getting the reader invested. Something like:
--He started to walk away, not waiting for another remark or question from the weird girl. But as he turned to leave, Catherine realized she wasnít ready for the fun to end just yet. Sheíd spend all day bored, and been dragged out practically kicking and screaming by Dom. Well, she might as well get a bit of fun out of the night.
ďHey, where do you think youíre going?Ē Catherine asked and started to follow him, getting more and more persistent as he continued to ignore her.
Aston kept his eyes trained ahead, not willing to give his attention to the girl. Heíd just gotten rejected by a girl he liked for years, and right now the last thing he wanted was to deal with any more of their kind. Especially not someone who was following him like a crazed nutter.
ďHey, Stop,Ē she yelled, and he could see her half stumbling half running behind him. Aston felt a serious sense of confusion take over, unable to see why she hadnít given up and left him alone. Brilliant, he thought, I have a stalker now.
Okay, not the best paragraphs Iíve ever written, but you get what Iím saying :P. We really need to understand whatís happening in the story, as opposed to just you narrating what the characters are thinking/feeling.
I loved that you gave us a glimpse into her home life! It was an interesting contrast knowing she came from what seemed like rather dark and stressful home life, but seems like a sweet and caring girl.
I loved that Dom played co-conspirator into getting the two back together! That was a really sweet touch.
Also, the forth section confused me a bit. Maybe clarify what point in time itís happening?
I think this is a very sweet beginning. Iím excited to discover what would be so wrong with these two being together and seeing how that plays out.
I hope this review didnít come off as overly critical or anything! If it did, Iím really sorry but I hope I was able to be helpful!
Oh, and favorite line, I think the one about where she mispronounces Ipods. It was really funny. Oh, also, there were still quite a bit of typos left and punctuation missing from dialogue, so maybe give it another go through? Iím the queen of typos, so I understand how easy they are to miss, haha.Author's Response: omgg, the length of this review. wow. IM IN LOVEEE
THANKYOU SO SO SO SO MUCH!
this was very helpful.
there is so much to this story. you just hold on tight.
i will surely edit this chapter.
Em Report Review
I am annoyed. This is annoying. Not you, or the writing or anything, I mean I am actually annoyed right now that this stupid bloke doesn't just TELL FRED WHERE HE IS AND HOW TO GET TO THE NEXT STEP.
Sorry, I feel a bit better now that I've gotten that you, though. Really though, you absolutely did your job with this purgatory/limbo sort of place and creating the combination of frustration, fear, and down right anger. I was getting so fed up with the Fred/George but not Fred/George thing answering every question with a question. I mean, this boy has suffered enough. Though I suppose he doesn't even realize he's suffered because he doesn't remember what happened or anything he left behind...
Good god. You're giving me a seriously mind twist over here. In the best way possible, because I love when stories twist me up and make me really think. The fact that you managed to tell this in such a state of confusion, but still narrating it clearly, is so awesome. I've seen a lot of times when people try and get across this sort of extreme unknowing, it almost comes across as sloppy writing that hasn't been given enough care into what it's trying to say. But this.. my gosh. You writing is gorgeous like always, but more than that you know what you want to say and you say that clearly. You leave the character confused and the reader confused because Fred feels that way, not because of your writing. And that's such an awesome talent.
You took us back into these small memories of Fred's, though I suppose they aren't even so much memories because he still barely remembers a thing, in a really smooth transition in and out of the fog. I think keeping Forge in there, calling out while Fred is inside the sort of memory, was the perfect touch to tie them all together. In my head I have this really awesome visual of him going through these but still surrounded by the fog and a Forge off in the distance.
I promised myself I would make your review a million times more intelligible than my responses to your reviews, but now I'm blabbing on trying to get across how much I love this.
I'm excited to read the new chapter two. I hope when you rewrite it and switch the order, you'll PM me so I can come back and read all four in the new order!
As always, gorgeous job you amazing author, you.
♥ JamiAuthor's Response: JAMI ♥
Your review has pretty much PUREED ME GAH ♥ Honestly, all your lovely compliments mean so much to me you have no idea, so thank you so so much!
Yup, this chapter is definitely meant to be a bit of a mindtwist. It's because the story got out of hand - I mean originally this whole thing was just meant to be a quiet drama (with grief and all that) about the Weasley family post-Battle dealing with Fred's death and all...but somehow, aahh, something happened to the story :P And now I've begun writing Limbo.
That weird annoying Forge character that makes everyone want to push off a cliff is sort of inside Fred's head, and is /probably/ an extension of Fred's personality, and of his lost self. Hope this makes sense :P
And all those memories, they're kind of wrong. I mean, they're essentially right (the Weasleys did go to Egypt for a holiday and all) but they've been warped, whether through his sudden shocking death wiping out all traces of his earthly existence, or by something else. At any rate, whatever poor dead Fred is experiencing is certainly more than just regaining his memories and all :P
If all that sounds confusing to you, it's my fault :P I'm really experimenting with things and ideas in this fic, and hopefully some of them will work :)
Thank you for this amazing review, Jami! Of course it's intelligible! And I'm so excited that you're excited to see the changes ^.^ It will be some a few weeks before I get down to changing stuff, but I'll let you know! Thanks again *hugs*
teh ♥ Report Review
I don't even know what to do with Tori in this chapter. I seriously don't.
She's still terrible. She's using James and I don't think she even knows why anymore. She wants to prove she's the best, the most popular, by hanging on to him then breaking up with him. But it's making her miserable.
And she's seriously messing around with people's lives. And Albus! I'm quickly getting more and more angry with him. He has no right to do this behind his brother's back, and they all just need to be put in time out! Haha!
When she told James about what she was before their incident at the start of the year, I honestly didn't believe her. There were parts in this chapter where I felt so bad for her for being with him when she seemed so miserable, but then I remembered that it's HER fault and ugh! Courtney, you're making me so frustrated at a fictional character! Haha!
I loved seeing a glimpse at the Potter's life! It counteracted what I said in the last chapter about feeling sad that they weren't picking Charlie and James up. And NOW I know why Albus made the comment about James not inviting her over for Christmas when he'd invited Tori over the year before. Why didn't he!? I wish he had. It would have been a much better dinner and holiday than the Tori filled one, haha.
That dinner scene. I couldn't figure out which one of them I was more annoyed at. That was a disaster. Poor Harry and Ginny, haha. The mention of floor and Ginny's joke was hilarious, though.
And now she's puking. That really, really isn't good. I'm thinking things are going to get a lot worse from her here on out.
Have you ever heard the Walter Scott quote, 'What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive?' I think that quote is basically Tori's motto. hahah.
Awesome chapter, lovely!Author's Response: I definitely think you're right when you say that Tori doesn't even know why she's with James anymore - I think she's so used to being manipulative and twisting people around her little finger that she doesn't know how to stop.
i really enjoyed writing Lily, Harry and Ginny into the story, even if it was just for a chapter. The dinner scene was great to write! Tori really is a scheming little...witch, to put it politely and in 12+ terms.
I have not heard that quote but that definitely seems to suit Tori!
I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
Courtney:) Report Review
Okay I actually have a huge love for Charlieís lists. Haha. Theyíre fun. Sheís such a sweet girl, and watching her and James together feels so cute. A million times more natural than him and Tori, thatís for sure. I really liked the way she was embarrassed by Fredís comments, also. You do an awesome job keeping her character consistent!
Those badges are so ridiculous. I would be tempted to start ripping them off of people if I was Charlie.
Oh the scene in the classroom is steamy! See, I like that he still does stuff like this and doesnít totally change now that heís with a new girl. Though itís clear things wonít go nearly as fast as they did with Tori.
The train ride back is, for the most part, adorable. Obviously there was that moment of tension with Albus, but I still canít feel too terrible for them. I hate what he did to James, but at the same time itís understandable how it probably felt to have Tori coming onto him. ugh. I donít know. Iím all torn between if Iím angry at Albus or angry at James for still being angry at Albus and why do you have to make me care about these characters so much?! Haha!
I love Fred teasing James for their money. I do hope we get to see the Potterís though, because right now Iím kind of sad to think about Harry and Ginny being too busy to pick up the boys. Although you canít really blame them both for having busy careers, and itís not like Albus and James are young children or anything.
Hahahahah I love Charlieís mum. James and Fred chorusing, We love you darling! Was just the cherry on top for me. That was a moment I wish so much was on film or something haha.
The Potters have a dog! I love that that was included in the note to Charlie, because it brings back the happy family feeling I was missing. Charlieís holiday seems really average so far, which I love.
Okay Iím skipping ahead (not in the story, just the review) because Iím afraid this is getting way too long. I loved the glimpse into everyoneís holiday, though. The interaction between Albus and Charlie was so odd... I canít wait to find out whatís behind that. He didnít seem... I donít know, like he was trying to rub in that James didnít invite her over or anything. I canít figure out what he meant by it! Want to give me just a tiny hint? ;)
Awesome chapter, my dear! I noticed a few things, I hope you donít mind me pointing them out:
*NEWTS is punctuated as N.E.W.T.s in the book
*Semicolons are only used to separate two dependent clauses or to separate the items of a list IF they include a comma. For example, f youíre listing city and state it would be: Iíve been to New York City, New York; Sacramento, California; Nashville, Texas... and so on. If the items donít include a comma, the semicolon wouldnít be correct. So this:
--James gently kisses the left side of my face; my forehead, my nose my chin
Should be punctuated as either:
--James gently kisses the left side of my face, my forehead, my nose, my chin
--James gently kissed me: my face, my forehead, my nose, my chin
*Lastly, this chapter had a lot more paragraphs whereas your others were spread more apart. I REALLY like this style over how the last few have been. I havenít commented on the lack of paragraphs before, because this is your story and everyone should do whatever style they like best, but now that youíve done more paragraphs in this one I just thought Iíd point out how much I like them ;)Author's Response: Gah, I am so annoyed with myself! I had typed out a big long response and then somehow pressed a button which made it all disappear! Ugh! And now, because I super lazy this is probably going to be a very short response.
First of all, thank you so much for the lovely long review! I always really appreciate them. And it's funny you mention the paragraphing because recently I have been going back and editing earlier chapter for that exact reason: to make sentences into paragraphs. I've found, after reading other amazing stories on here (like yours:p) that that makes for a far easier read.
Albus always acts pretty strange! But we will be finding out the reason for his strangeness during his meeting with Charlie in the next chapter, I promise.
Charlie's mum is definitely a strange character! It's a wonder, what with her parents, she turned out so almost normal! And I always love writing Fred's appearances in this story - he is such a fun character!
Thanks again for the review, I'll be sure to edit those mistakes - I've always been useless at grammar. I probably should have paid more attention in English.
Courtney:) Report Review
You know, I wish for about the millionth time that I could leave running reviews. There are so many things I thought about wanting to comment on during this chapter and I have no idea how I'm going to remember those. Maybe if someone wouldn't have kept me up until midnight distracting me while I edited, my brain would be working better. Oh... wait. I was the one keeping you up, huh?
Anyway, I think the additions to Gamps scene are awesome. Draco still managed to keep a cool head when the man countered his excuse about the weapon, and I have to say I was really impressed with the turn he chose to take.
Can any of us disagree that Voldemort's biggest downfall was being so obsessed with Harry? I loved Gamps comments, and it's hard to think that people involved in the war wouldn't think something similar. Of course the DE like Bellatrix and the first few who new Voldemort from Hogwarts days wouldn't think twice about their master, but I love that the supporters who'd never seen his cruelty would think something along those lines. Gamp actually said something I sort of agree with. Creepy.
Although he best watch the way he talks about Lily. That's one group he doesn't want going after him ;)
I'm getting pretty nervous about Draco and the way he seems to be letting all of this get to him. He's getting too involved with the trickery and the sneaking, and much too involved with that alcohol he's drinking. I wish he'd just go over to the Greengrass's and talk to her dad, man to man, instead of ever having gotten involved in all this.
Then the scene at Gringotts was really lovely. I adore watching Astoria learn so much more about what's outside of her sheltered world. She sees these things people went through, things she never could imagine with her parents firm stance of not getting involved and the money they had to keep them in them that way. The war was real for her I'm sure. She knew it was happening, but in the way that people across the world know there was a terrorist attack. It's sad and terrible, but she wasn't involved the way that Draco was, or Narcissa. She's learning so much more than I'm sure she bargained for, and I'm so impressed with how understanding she's being. I think the serious conversation that took place between those two was the perfect balance to the spoiled daughter vibe from the first part of that section. Not that there's anything wrong with being a spoiled daughter. I've managed to do it well all my life ;).
I had to remind myself this story was about Draco and Astoria, because I was half tempted to ask you to make the next chapter about Narcissa and Andromeda, haha! Well, maybe that's something Astoria can bear witness to in the future? ;)
I really liked that you added Astoria enjoying shopping for Daphne. Astoria is a girl, enjoys being a girl, enjoys looking pretty... and the fact that Daphne has good taste couldn't hurt. It's funny how different the two of those are. My sisters and I are so much alike, but neither of them are similar to Daphne so that's probably why ;).
This was an awesome chapter, m'dear! I can't wait to see these two lovers reunited!Author's Response: Jami, Jami, Jami. I love how much thought and effort I have to put into responding to your reviews. It's like a really pleasant homework assignment.
One odd thing about Gamp is that he's actually pretty insightful for a lunatic. Voldemort was completely obsessed with Harry because Harry's very survival made his power look less than absolute. As long as Harry lived, there would be proof that there were things beyond Voldemort's control, and I think that thought ate away at him night and day. Gamp saw things about him that all of his most ardent supporters missed. So, yes, great minds like you and Gamp think alike. :p
Draco is putting an awful lot of eggs into one basket with this plan he has to attend Gamp's wedding. It's obviously taking a mental toll on him. You can see it in his drinking and in his reduced ability to control his temper. I can't see him doing that with Mr. Greengrass, however. He's already had his pride injured once by Astoria's father. Being a Malfoy, he will definitely go the route of trying to prove that he's worthy rather than trying to talk his way in.
I loved writing the scene at Gringotts. Here I am letting Narcissa steal a scene again, just like she did several times in Marked. I think the conversation did a lot of good for Astoria. Perhaps a bit too much. You'll see... ;)
I think I'd like to write about Narcissa and Andromeda someday, but I'm not quite sure what I could bring to the story that I haven't read already. It's a surprisingly well-covered topic.
Astoria loves her sister, even though Daphne acts like a shallow idiot sometimes. They have a pretty strong bond in my mind, and Astoria definitely enjoys letting her sister spend their father's money on her. ;)
So glad that you enjoyed it! Thanks for the awesome review! Report Review
Oh my goodness Tori really is a piece of work, isn't she? I wanted her to chop Rebecca's hair off and leave it at that, then for everyone to notice Rebecca when they walked in together. Haha!
I'm actually sort of angry at Albus in this chapter, too. Before I was more annoyed at James for letting a girl come between them in the present day and staying angry at him, but in these chapters I find myself pretty irritated with Albus for the way he lets his and Tori's. relationship... continue and not telling her what a stupid... um...yeah.. (non 12+ word) she is for using his brother the way she does.
BUT Tori is also this amazingly beautiful person, Albus is obviously not as popular as James and not as classically handsome, so he's probably amazed by the kind of attention Tori's giving him.
I LOVE that you keep James the same, btw. He's a bit different with Tori than Charlie obviously, because they're two different people, but he's also still a lot the same. He's caring, but doesn't take crap and can sort of fly off the handle like he does with Charlie's Halloween costume. You're doing an awesome job giving him a different sort of personality with the girls he's dating, but also making it obvious that he's still the same person.
You're characters are all *so* different from one another. I really, really like that. You've given them their own traits and made them their own people... it keeps your story so awesomely addicting!
I'm seriously so excited to find out why Rebecca is so devoted to Tori in present day chapters after Tori treated her so poorly. Maybe she just didn't realize how much she was being walked over.
I tiny part of me is still wanting to sit Tori down and talk about the deep rooted issues making her act like such a.. mean girl! hahahah. I could straighten her up :P! (Not really, she'd scare me).Author's Response: WHAT? Another review! I feel so spoiled!
Tori is certainly a piece of work - not the type of girl I'd particularly like to be friends with, at any rate. And yep, Albus can be very naive. I think in the next few chapters it starts to become a lot more obvious why he and James are fighting in the present day.
I'm actually really glad to hear you say that James is the same, because I've always been a tad worried that he's too different in the two timelines. But I think Tori brings out the worst in him, Charlie brings out the best in him, giving him a minor shift in personality.
Thanks again for the review!
Courtney:) Report Review
Okay I have to get the side of me that works with children all day out -- WHERE ARE THESE CHILDREN'S PARENTS. Hahahahah.
I thought this was really, really entertaining and made me want to hug each of them, but I do think you maybe should include something in the beginning about either them sneaking off, then end it with a worried bunch of parents showing up, or maybe the lake is barely a pond and in reality the parents can see pretty clearly the whole time?
I think that would make this more realistic but keep the exciting adventure sort of spirit alive. It would take someone Lily's size (3 or 4) less than a minute to drown. The size of her lungs would be small enough that with an accidental swallow, it could kill her really quickly. So I kind of kept freaking out about why on earth the parents weren't around, hahaa. Not that that's actually your fault or the fault of the story... sorry, I'm turning my worrier brain off. Haha.
You did such an awesome job giving Victoire both a bossy but loving sort of personality. I bet either you're the oldest, or have a strong personality older sister. I swear, I felt like I was a kid again following my sister around as she ordered me to do crazy things, haha!
I also think you manged to get both her personality one that fits so well with both her parents!! I feel so often like people either make a sibling an identical version of a parent or nothing like them, but you really found a perfect balance in this!
She has her mother's pride. She's in charge of keeping them all happy (Oh! Also! Maybe you could show them all coming back and Victoire and Teddy getting in big trouble because they were supposed to watch over the youngsters and keep them in the back yard or something? That would tie up the, why aren't these parents watching them!Feeling nicely, haha!). Anyway-- she refused to give up, going above and beyond to do well as the oldest cousin. Then look at her bravery! So much like Bill! LOVE it!
All the age differences were so adorable. Watching them interact...you really captured that free spirit of childhood so well.
One last thing -- there are a few paragraphs and lines that you don't have the spacing between :)! I think adding that would give this lovely story a nice, clean feel!!
Awesome job ♥Author's Response: Yaayyy Jami!! Thank you so much for dropping by - your helpful advice is always needed! :)
I'm glad you thought it was entertaining - and I must admit - I did think a bit about the parents. Buuutt I totally lost the whole parent-y instinct vibe - so thank you for pointing that out! I think the parents would be worried sick about the whole bunch of children gone missing, and I was too dumb to realise that parents would notice if a huge bunch of children went missing! Doh! Thanks for showing me :)
Yeah, my older sister is some what a strong hearted soul. One of the reasons why I'm a gryffindor is probably because I'm one of the only ones in the family who can stand up to her, haha. I did just follow my older sister around constantly, and do what she told me!
Yay I'm glad Victoire reminded you of Fleur (and brave Bill)! I did try to show a decent bit of resemblance between the siblings and their parents, but then make them their own as well, so I'm thrilled you thought I got the balance right. I love your idea! I will definitely go add that in! Like that the parents could see them the whole time! Awesome! And yeah, a bit more space could help the story be a bit more easier to read and a bit more esthetically pleasing.
Thank you for reviewing, it's lovely to hear your expert opinion, and your reviews are also so long, detailed and awesome! Thank you so much Jami :D Report Review
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