Reading Reviews From Member: UnluckyStar57
  
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Review #1, by UnluckyStar57Claw: An Owl, a Hat and a Train

19th August 2014:
Hi!

Hmm, this is an interesting first chapter! Rose is a first year, but she seems fairly mature for her age and she knows a lot about Hogwarts already--one of the perks of having lots of relatives who attended school before her. :) I find it very intriguing that she is friends with Scorpius Malfoy before she even starts school--how did that relationship come about? I'm very curious to know. :)

Ugh, Rita Skeeter shouldn't even reproduce. Or is Saffire her niece? Either way, she's sort of detestable and I dislike her already. Like, who names their kid "Saffire?" Someone who obviously likes semiprecious gemstones... Blergh. Good job on making Saffire appear with a bang and a roar. I'm sure that she'll be causing problems with Rose later on.

Oh wow, Rose isn't a Gryffindor? You almost had me fooled, and that was pretty clever! She imagined the Hat saying "Gryffindor," but alas! Now she is separated from her two best friends and she's going to have to learn how to cope with that. Hopefully Saffire isn't in Ravenclaw...

There were lots of little humorous things that happened in this chapter, such as Scorpius and Dom standing on the platform and Rose thinking that they were really tall. It made me giggle. :)

Brilliant first chapter, especially since this is your first fanfic! Wow! I hope to come back and read some more one day. :D

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57Romeo In Ivory: Icarus in Mourning

15th August 2014:
Gah, I wanted to be the first reviewer for this, but Georgia beat me. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Your writing is so, so brilliant.

The first section was so perfect, so bleak, and so, so vivid. It's the kind of thing that I love about your writing-how you don't stop at describing the scene-you make me feel it. (If that makes ANY sense at all.) I love the way everything perfectly matches Teddy's mood without saying what he's feeling-the scenery does all the feeling for him. Instead, it is revealed that he comes like clockwork to visit the grave of his lover.

AND YOU MADE THE WIND DO THE THING. God. You always just... God. You make the wind do the thing, and then my feels start acting up. It reminds me of HoC when the wind does the thing all the time.

In case you're curious, this is what I mean: "The wind ghosted along the tops of stones, glowing white, picking at poppies and roses left in the ground, before rising and reaching to run through soft brown curls, as though welcoming a friend or a wayward child."

SEE?! YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE WIND DO THE THING. And I love that about your writing, and I LOVE that you put it in this one-shot. :)

Ugh, I love how all the flowers wilt and die to show the passing of time. So gruesome and so beautiful, in a zombie kind of way. They're like tiny corpses, like the corpse Teddy will become.

WHY is Hugo away? Why won't he visit his sister? I'm curious about this, and I like that you've got the Fates looking in on the graveyard. Those three ladies are truly where life and death meet-it's only a scissor-clip away from ending. Ugh, and I love how Ron and Hermione left roses (stereotypical) and Teddy left daffodils and all sorts of different flowers-which, to me, means that he knew a different side of her than her family knew.

Ooh, and Teddy's definitely going through a lot of change during this time. Why is he feeling guilty? What cripples him so much that he has to sit and drown in his sorrows at her graveside?

Also, let me ponder about this romance that was never meant to be. She died. Why? They were in love. How? When? He seemed to have loved her deeply, and he's obviously having trouble moving on. Were they together when she died? It's all these mysteries that weave in and out of my mind as I read, and I LOVE IT. Thank you so much for writing romance without fluffy happiness. For some reason, that's just not my favorite thing. This sort of angsty, graveside, symbolic sadness, aww yiss. :)

Oh man, I love how the youngest Fate is so invested in Teddy's life, and the others are just like, "You gon' learn, child." (Except more elegantly, because they're Greek.) :) She just wishes for his happiness, she wants him to move on from pining after his dead lover and be happy with Vic. But the other two know better, and she's going to learn later on that sometimes there are no happy endings.

AND HIS LITTLE GIRL WILL BE NAMED AFTER HER. That's so sweet, but I'm curious to know what Vic thinks of that. Did Vic know of his romance with Rose? If so, is she okay with the fact that he keeps visiting Rose's grave every week? Potential trouble...

Uh oh, but the older Fate is so cynical and biting with her "Foolishness. Nothing lasts. It is merely an illusion." line. I loved that. So cynical, but so honest.

And the middle Fate senses a change? Has Teddy Lupin done the impossible and *gasp* gone against the three Madams who govern human life? I saw in the summary that you referenced Icarus-love that, by the way-and it seems that Teddy is about to soar and maybe plummet to his death when he gets too close being happy? Ugh, poor guy, but I love the way I can see parallels to Icarus in this (even if I'm just making up the connections).

No, no why didn't he come what's wrong what's going on? Why is he falling out of love with everything? Is it the Fates getting back at him for daring to defy them? Why?

Yes... "He brought it upon himself." Some people just weren't meant to be happy, and that's so sad, but so true. Ugh. Argggh. Rawr... (Sorry, that was me moaning incoherently about how unfair life is sometimes.) But what's going on? Why is he turning into a skeleton? Or is that even what he's becoming? Gah, why does he have to be so sad?!

AH NO THE THIRD TO LAST SECTION KILLED ME. "Life, it seemed, had given up on him. Now, it was only a matter of time until she abandoned her child completely and handed him over to Hades." STOP I'M DYING OF SADNESS. Arggh. Teddy Lupin has died, and all that's left is a skeleton. BUT WHY. WHAT DID HE DO THAT WAS SO AWFUL? WHY IS LIFE BEING SO MEAN? I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HELP. And he put stupid roses on her grave, just like her family did, just like probably every other person who visited her grave did, and that is just not. Okay. At. All. I feel like he's just completely forgotten himself and how he used to be and how his life was when he had her. Sure, Vic was a good substitute, but she wasn't ROSE. And something about Rose made Teddy love her so much that now he's completely wasting away, and Fate won't even allow him to be happy.

Potent roses, then. Tragic, desperate love. That makes me think that no one knew about their romance, and so it was all the more important to him because of that. Bless the youngest Fate for picking up the roses and winding them in the bower. Maybe they'll bloom instead of shrivelling and dying.

Ugh, and now he's dead, too. Oh my gosh, I'm crying so much. This is awful. This is wonderful. I don't know what to feel. And time just keeps going, it doesn't stop for things like love. :(

I wish I had more space to gush about how amazing this is, how amazing you are, and how I can't even believe that you wrote this for me. I love it so much, and it came at a perfect time-I read it, and the struggles of today went away. So THANK YOU for being so wonderful. I should write you a story. :)

~Mallory

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Review #3, by UnluckyStar57Detox: Yes

15th August 2014:
Hi there!

So, this started out as another action-packed chapter, but it settled down at the ending, all winding up to the big finish--who knew that Draco and Astoria could be so fluffily, deliriously happy? :D But it would seem that happiness has indeed won the day, and peace reigns again--for now.

Okay, so as if AVERY weren't enough, MULCIBER comes in to wreak havoc... BUT THEN THE PLOT TWIST!! I didn't see that one coming, let me tell you! The battle between the Aurors and the neo-Death Eaters was pretty frightening and fantastic--I think it's really realistic that Astoria wouldn't have known who was friend and who was foe. It was in the midst of a battle in which the good guys were dressed as bad guys! I would be confused, I know.

Oh dear... Ron's little confrontation with Draco made me cringe. It's totally realistic for him to act that way, but I sure do hope that he mellows out with age. You know, during that part, I couldn't tell if the harsh depiction of Ron was due to the fact that Draco has a vendetta against him or if you, O Author, have some sort of grudge against everyone's favorite redhead. :P It was probably a rather accurate depiction of him, though, considering that he was talking to Draco, but this story is from Draco's point of view--we can't totally trust him to be honest about Ron, can we?

But Harry was chill. I admired him for telling Ron to stand down. And the fact that he masqueraded as Zabini was another plot twist that I didn't see coming. :)

One question: Who contacted the Aurors? That might have been mentioned in an earlier chapter, but I think I missed it. Was it Draco? Narcissa? The Greengrasses?

At any rate, Gamp goes to prison, yay! I hope Daphne sees sense and dumps him. Even though she's sort of dumb and vapid, she doesn't deserve a husband who doesn't love her. Nobody deserves that.

Cue the "aw"s as Draco chats with his future father-in-law. The scene was quite realistic! You seem to have a certain knack for realism--I like it! The part about Draco asking Mr. Greengrass to call him by his first name was very interesting and I liked the bit of pureblood etiquette that was thrown in--did you get that from pureblood wizard canon, or did you take it from Muggle society traditions? And I appreciate the fact that, even though Draco asked to be called by his first name and shows immense respect for Mr. Greengrass, he isn't going to allow himself to be cheated just so that he can potentially marry Astoria. He's got potions skills, after all, and he deserves to be salaried thusly. :P Also, he gets to escape from the cold-hearted research lab of Madame Blishwick, hooray! :D This is a very good career move for him, indeed!

Cue more "aw"s as Astoria and Draco start being all cute. Srsly. They are definitely going to become the pureblood couple that shares love and also the responsibility of running an empire together. As such, they're going to be cute when they're alone and totally domineering in public. And Astoria isn't going to let him push her around--ever. I like that! Drastoria for the win! Basically, you've written this last scene with the specific purpose of showing how adorable they are, and now I want to go read more Drastoria fics. Thanks. :P But in the end, Astoria helped Draco become better than he was at the beginning of this whole mess, and they are such an awesome couple. You couldn't have written a better ending for them. :)

Great job, all around! Only one more chapter left for me to read, and it's the epilogue! I am incredibly interested to read about the scene from Draco's point of view--I'm sure it will be very enlightening. :D

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #4, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Let Us Break A Few Heads

14th August 2014:
Rakes really IS a troll. Grrr.

I think it's awful that he just had to do all of those things to Fitz: have an affair with Mariah, hex him on the pitch and keep quiet about it, and et cetera--and THEN he had to go and rub it all in Fitz's face. Fitz had every right to be angry, but their brawl could have caused a stir in the League if it weren't covered up so quickly!

Ron is AWESOME in this chapter. He seems to have gained a bit more sense than he had in his Hogwarts years (growing up does that to people, I've heard), but it's so nice to see his loyalty to the Chudley Cannons is still intact. And major props to him for not identifying Fitz for the records. :)

And Molly comes to Fitz's rescue again! I love that she is the one who keeps him in line most of the time--they balance each other out perfectly. And despite all of their awkwardness after Fitz's dramatics in the previous chapters, they are still willing to have a professional relationship as coach and captain.

Rakes really ought to pay for what he did. It's good that Mariah didn't know about the hexing thing, though. That would just give me another reason to despise her...

Ouch. The match sounded positively brutal. I know that I wouldn't want to be a professional Quidditch player if I had to go through that sort of roughhousing on a regular basis! But I'm glad they won--that gives the Prides a victory in the midst of their attempts to regain a good reputation as players, and it gives Fitz a bit of a victory over the insidious Rakes as well. :)

One question: When Fitz kissed Molly, did she get blood on her lips? (His lip was cut, right?) Or... I guess the blood had dried by then. But seriously, Fitz. That had to hurt, at least a little. He obviously doesn't care about slight pain if it means he gets to kiss Molly. ;)

Great chapter, as always! I hope they find a way to convict Rakes of his crime and get him out of the League.

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #5, by UnluckyStar57The Letters to No One: a girl can dream;

14th August 2014:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I'm glad that I picked this one-shot to review for you, because I love writing letters. There's something so inherently romantic about it, something hearkening back to bygone times. So when I read about Draco writing letters with only his return address, letters about how he felt so alone and wanted company, I fell for it. YOU TRICKED ME!!!

Honestly, my thoughts about Astoria went from "oh yeah, she's pretty awesome, I totally sympathize with her because she is drawn to letters like I am" to "oh my gosh, why is she so awful?!" I love the way you've presented the layers of Astoria Greengrass's personality--from a seemingly wide-eyed post office clerk to a scheming and devious woman who is willing to choreograph an affair behind her sister's best friend's (dead) back. (Sorry, that was a super long description.)

Anyway. When she met Draco face-to-face and they starting going on dates and such, I believed that things could only end well. But then Narcissa brought up the whole issue of Pansy being Draco's WIFE, and when Astoria kept up the shenanigans, I was a little concerned. Her thoughts about fitting into Narcissa's dresses also unnerved me--clearly she's halfway to psychopathic if she's thinking about inheriting dresses from a woman who isn't even dead yet.

And then Astoria finds the body. And she's OKAY WITH IT. And so she accepts his proposal with all of her scheming and deviousness attached. She's got information on him, and she knows that he's capable of cheating. I'm sure that she's going to make sure that he never cheats on her the way he cheated on Pansy.

Or did he cheat? Because Pansy is obviously not very mobile, and who knows how long she's been there, rotting? Or perhaps she's only just snuffed it--and that's why he proposed.

Oh my gosh, I can't even express how much I'm in love with this one-shot. It's so creepy--and the fact that there are so many twists and chilling revelations only makes it better. You've written a story that, at first glance, looks like a romance. But underneath... Oh no. There's more going on than just love. (Such as obsession and blackmail and utter scandalousness.)

And I got to be the first reviewer! :D

Please write more about this pair of creeps soon. I want to find out how their relationship will affect poor little Scorpius! >:D

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hi friend! Thank you for christening my new baby! Haha.

Right?! Who wouldn't fall for it? I mean, it's a bit weird, but they were just so romantic. How could Astoria resist?

Yeah, Astoria was meant to kind of evolve and show her true colors as the story went on. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile, as they say. All she needed was an opportunity. She's already planning out her future and executing her schemes, and she's basically blind to whatever is happening right in front of her. If Draco ever did cheat on her, I imagine she would be the kind of wife to wrap it all up with a bow, quietly dispose of the other woman, and pretend like everything was just fabulous.

And the weird part is that my head canon of Astoria isn't even like that. She's kind and down to earth and makes Draco better as an adult after all that he went through as a kid. I don't know where this psychopathic version came from! Haha. But she is fun.

I kind of leave it to the reader to think about how long Pansy's been dead. (The longer, the creepier, right?) But yeah, Draco in a moment of weakness (and likely some serious mental illness) fits just fine into Astoria's plans. It's all about the image and control and making /her/ dreams come true. She's a predator, and she struck.

I'm so glad you appreciate all of the layers in this story! I think "a pair of creeps" is just about the perfect way to describe Draco and Astoria in this story. They definitely deserve each other, in a sad, twisted way. Not sure if I'll go beyond this point with another story, but never say never, right?

Thanks so much for your fab review :)

-Amanda


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Review #6, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Strength of Will

13th August 2014:
I'm back to review another chapter! :D

Wow, Fitz is being super dramatic about the situation with Molly. Threatening his best friend? Max out to make him pay his tab for that. But I guess that he knows that Fitz is completely and totally stuck in his own head and needs to work himself out. Still, that was pretty confrontational!

You know, I have trouble thinking about writing male characters because I've seen so many stories where they seem too much like they were written by girls, and so they behave more like girls. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I like to see stories in which male characters are portrayed just as accurately as girls are by a female author. And vice versa, of course. I think that you've done a fantastic job of this--especially when it comes to Fitz. He's a very masculine character, but he's also incredibly emotional. And yet, his emotions are not out-of-character. They burn like his anger, and if he eventually cries about something, I know it's going to be a HUGE thing. Not something like losing a match or being cold-shouldered by Molly. So thank you for writing such a true-to-life character! :)

Beathan would totally be a neo-Romantic poet if she weren't a Quidditch player, just sayin'. She's so in awe of the gardens that it makes me laugh. She reminds me a lot of my mother, actually. Hahaha. :D

Molly's hair!! Dreadlocks sound like just as edgy of a hairstyle as a mohawk, but Jinks seems to think that the mohawk was better. I think he should definitely grow one, and maybe the others could cut their hair in funky shapes, too. The Prides would certainly make a splash that way! ;D But I like the change. I think that it was time for a change, and if it got Fitz to daydream about it a little bit, then I am totally okay with that. :)

Ooooh, Mariah! I really don't like her at all. Of COURSE she tattled on Fitz and Molly just because she wants to jump into the sack with a few of the team members. She's acting out of jealousy here--jealousy that Fitz and Molly had a romance behind McCormack's back--and that's never a good motive for acting on something. The revelation about her father being a rabbi comes as quite a shock! I guess that what they say about preacher's kids is true, after all...

AHAH! So this Rakes fellow is the one that Mariah cheated on Fitz with, the last straw before Fitz divorced her. He seems pretty raunchy right from the start, and I've barely seen him in action yet! I think he'll be one to watch.

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #7, by UnluckyStar57Shades of Red: Auburn

11th August 2014:
Aww, this was equal parts cute and serious. Strange combination, but I like it!

I say that it was cute because of Ginny's love for her baby and her interaction with Harry. They make such a nice couple. :) He seems to have gained more confidence and know-how as an Auror, and his reassurances to Ginny were not out-of-place or condescending. (Which is good, because condescending!characters are not very nice.) I like that they are talking about the future together, being realistic about what Ginny can and can't do, and yet still coming up with a good compromise. Ginny will not hate her baby, I'm sure. I think he'll grow up to be a mama's boy. :)

I say that it was serious because Ginny is obviously worried about the future. She agreed to give up playing Quidditch, but she knows that she isn't exactly like her mother, she can't just sit at home and tend to seven children all day. She wants to do things, to see people and places, to be the firecracker!Ginny that we all know and love. Just because she's temporarily out of commission, doesn't mean she's forever resigned to stay at home. And the part about hating the baby was serious, too. It's a conflict of interest to hate your own child, but it happens sometimes, to awful effect. I think that it's very realistic of her to worry about that.

Great one-shot! I'm interested to see what Ron's defining moment is. (Especially since I thought that this one was about Ginny meeting Aragog because of the title.) :)

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #8, by UnluckyStar57Starfall: Prologue

11th August 2014:
Hi Isobel! :D

Ooh, there's my name in the Author's Note! I'm so glad that I could help you out with this. :)

Okay, so this. Is. AMAZING. It's an AU, but I think it's definitely going along the lines of "what might have happened if the Boy-Who-Lived had to die." Instead of being overwhelmed by the "good side," Voldemort and the Death Eaters are getting stronger and have taken the fate of the Wizarding World into their own hands. It's very frightening to think about, really.

Lily was OOC, but that's because it's an AU! I think that it makes sense for her to change a little bit, especially if it's been a year since the Happening in Godric's Hollow. What I'm wondering right now is: What made her change so much? She was so willing to protect her child, to give her life in exchange for his, and now it's the completely opposite case. Perhaps she fell in love with living and decided that it was better just to submit to the Dark Side? And you did mention that this was a Snily... To what extent is it a Snily? Is Lily perhaps... MARRIED TO SNAPE?!?! Is James Potter... DEAD? Oh my gosh, I just thought of these things and now I'm freaking out. I MUST know what happens next! (I'm sure that the answer to all of my questions is "no," but now that I've thought of these things, I can't stop.) So PLEASE update as soon as the queue reopens!

The thing I liked about Lily was that, even though she's sacrificing her son to save her own life, she's defiant about it. That's definitely an attribute of canon!Lily's personality--she is being forced to obey a more sinister power, but she isn't happy about it. And she sacrificed Harry, but she so obviously didn't want to. It was a choice that she was forced to make, and she chose the more selfish option. How many humans can say that they would do the same exact thing? (Probably a lot of us. We have a tendency to be selfish.)

Despite--or maybe because of--its brevity, this prologue was captivating and informative. It gave just enough information to draw me in, and then LEFT ME HANGING. The Dark Lord's speech is perfect--very in canon and VERY Voldemortal. And I liked that he was looking into the minds of potential future traitors--I'm sure that there are probably more traitors than just those three, though.

BUT HE CAN'T KILL HARRY OH MY GOSH. What's going to happen now?! Is Harry REALLY dead? Please say he isn't! Who will save the Wizarding World?! Is it up to Neville now?! Oh no!!! I need to know all of these things!

Sorry, sorry. I'm being incoherent again. (This is usual.) In short, I really love the start of this in all of its dark and scary glory, and I can't wait for you to update!

Also, it was basically word-perfect. Grammar, spelling, syntax, everything. I am SO interested in the characters and what they've been doing since 31 October 1981.

Thanks for requesting a review! Feel free to request again because I'm dying to know what's going to happen! :D

~Mallory

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Review #9, by UnluckyStar57Crossing the Borderline: Aaliyah: The Reaction

10th August 2014:
Hi! It's been far too long! I'm glad to be back, reviewing your story again, especially since it has eight chapters now! Wow! :D

Okay, so the tension can only escalate from here. Albus is an awful person (more about that later), and Aaliyah's friends don't really like her choice in a boyfriend. But why do they get so angry about it? Hmmm...

Wow, so the first section about a sleepless night is one I can totally relate to right now, having just woken up from a sleepless night myself. :P I particularly liked this quote: "It feels right. And sometimes you need something to feel right to balance out all the things that go wrong." It was really interesting and actually much more mature than the Aaliyah that presented herself in the rest of the chapter. (I guess sleepless nights have a way of making people less mature.) :P

A question about the Albus/Aaliyah thing: Could they have planned out their interactions a little bit better? Maybe they might've held off on the declaration of their "lurve" for a week, and in the meantime they could've dropped hints about how cute they think each other are, and et cetera? Just a thought. I think it's really awful of Albus to just jump right in and do whatever when he knew that Aaliyah wasn't prepared for it.

But before I get into my rant about Albus: The roommates. Gemma and Naomi seem like the types of girls that I would never want to associate with. They got into a major fight just because of a boy!! I don't know, I think that they, being Ravenclaws, would've found ways to sabotage each other instead of catfighting. But maybe they didn't think of that before they let their emotions run wild. Ugh, they're insane. I don't like them at all! They should probably just forget about Luke and find other people to date, to be honest. :P

Hmmm, Seth. For all of Aaliyah's protests, I think that Seth might have a bit of a flame for her. But he's just too shy to say anything and now she's got a "boyfriend," uh oh! What's going to happen there? I was particularly intrigued by the shifting nature of Seth's physical features. Would it be safe to assume that he's at least a little bit of a metamorphmagus? :P

Okay, Albus rant now: I HATE ALBUS POTTER IN THIS CHAPTER. The whole sitting-down-in-the-midst-of-the-Ravenclaws thing was bad enough, but then he kept doing things that Aaliyah wasn't okay with. Gr. Why did he have to keep his plans a secret from her? Couldn't they have planned things out so that the events at breakfast were less... tense? And what were her friends doing while she and Albus had their little whisper-fight? Ugh, I just wish that he would be more considerate. And the "marking his property" thing made me REALLY MAD. NOBODY should be allowed to do that. But people in real life probably do, which is sad. So I'm glad that you've shown Albus in a less-than-pleasant light, because maybe he'll get a chance to redeem himself later. As long as he apologizes for being so chauvinistic first. :)

Arrggh, sorry for turning this review into a rant-fest. I just want to express how angry I am with Albus right now. I think it's important for you to know that you've managed to make me dislike Albus so much already, and I'm glad that he's not-so-nice (for now). It will give him more room for character growth. :D

The confrontation with her friends was honestly the only part that I felt was rushed. You spent a bit of time building up to it, and then they just instantly forgave Aaliyah. What I don't understand is why they were so worked up about it in the first place. Do they have something against Albus? Or are they just so close to Aaliyah that they feel left out of her life because she kept her "relationship" a secret? I can't really tell, but I would have liked to see a bit more tension after Annie said, "Guys, calm down. Let's just talk it out." Maybe a more gradual lightening of the mood? But anyway, Aaliyah has some pretty loyal and caring friends if they get worked up about her secret relationships. :)

A few grammar things:

"Either my decision making skills have gone straight down the toilet or I don't actually know the other option, but.. yeah."~I think that this sentence might be better without the "I don't actually know..." part. It seemed a bit out of place in the narrative. Perhaps just shorten it to "My decision-making skills have gone straight down the toilet." Just a suggestion, though!

""I DIDN'T STEAL HIM AWAY. HE LOVES ME!" I snort."~This makes it sound like Aaliyah is the one who said this particular bit of dialogue. Perhaps make "I snort" and the words that follow into a different paragraph?

"She is what you call the 'cute and sassy chic.'"~Is "chic" supposed to be "chick?" I wasn't quite sure.

"Not only is she smart but wise in a way."~I see what you mean in this sentence, but I think it could have been a little bit more clear. Perhaps reword it and give a qualifier? What makes her "wise" as opposed to just "smart?" Is she intelligent as well as good at reading people? Does she give good advice? That's what I would like to know. :)

Sorry for the length of this review. It's a bit unwieldy. :P

But anyways, here's what I like about this story/chapter: Aaliyah is realistic. She's just stuck in a situation that she can't really control right now, and I'm rooting for her in hopes that she'll take control. You've managed to make me hate some characters with just a few scenes. In my opinion, that is MUCH better than just feeling so-so about them. Maybe I'll be surprised in the next chapter! And of course, the writing style is great. I really enjoy reading these chapters! So keep doing what you're doing, and I'll see you next time you request a review! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I hate sleepless nights but then... I can wake up earlier if I get less sleep, idk why. I totally forgot about that quote. It's been some time since I went back over Chapter 3. I'm glad you like it though. Maybe it was the sleepless night(s) that makes her less mature? That or maybe it was because of a certain Potter's presence? Who knows? :P

They definitely could have planned it better, but... they didn't. The thing is not everyone gets everything right so that's the part they didn't get right. They didn't time it right. But as they grow, they'll learn. I guess I wanted to add in some aspects about being a teenager.

I wouldn't want to associate myself with Gemma and Naomi either but there are those girls in school that even if you don't know them too well, you want to stay away from them. Or maybe that's just me. They aren't going to make many appearances in the rest of the story but they do forget about Luke.

Seth... I don't really want to reveal too much. :P But let's just say he's coming up in the next few chapters. He is a metamorphmagus... when it comes to emotions. He isn't as controlled as Al.

I had a lot of fun reading your Albus rant. You HATE him? Well, he really isn't that likable, is he? But he does grow... a lot. He's the character who changes the most (positively) in the story. And maybe your hate for him will turn into love? :D

I do see why you would feel that part was rushed. When I have the time, I'll try and look back at it and maybe make it feel more well paced. And her friends care a lot about her so they weren't really angry at her... more hurt. Ellie just shows hurt as anger.

Thanks for catching those mistakes. I will definitely go back and fix them when the que opens again.

You are probably one of the only readers that outright hates someone with a passion at the moment and I love that. Feeling strong emotion toward a character is always better than nothing at all, as you said.

And now I have a new goal... I'm going to make you LOVE Al. Granted, it's going to take time but I totally going to make you like him. I'll show you how much of a SOFTIE he is. :P

Overall, I LOVE reading your reviews. I need to re-request more often. You give great and honest feedback that I love and thank you for that.

100/10 on this review! :D

~Sama


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Review #10, by UnluckyStar57Until the End: Together

9th August 2014:
Oh no... This was so lovely and sad and sort of happy at the same time. I'm not sure which emotion I should pick! D:

Fabian and Gideon Prewett are really rare in fanfiction, but I love the way you've written their relationship. It would seem that they are similar to Fred and George, but not completely similar, which is really really good. Who wants to read about carbon copies of Gred and Forge? Not me!

So I really appreciated the fact that Fabian was the serious twin, the one with a prefect's badge. Gideon gave him a lot of grief for it, but Fabian obviously valued keeping the peace--though when taunts were aimed at him about his sister, he wasn't going to stand by and let it happen. :)

The vignettes that you chose to write were perfect. I like how you showed them in each situation, and how their "together until the end" thing took on new meaning each time. Actually, could you just write a novel about them soon? I want more! And I seriously love your writing style in this. :D

The one thing that I'm not sure about is the babysitting of Fred and George. I don't know for sure, but weren't Fabian and Gideon...*sobs* dead by then? I don't know, maybe there's nothing in canon about it, so you can take creative license (you can do that anyway, of course). However, it was a really enjoyable scene to read and the story was better for having it in there. :)

The end. *cries harder* They tormented Molly for her whole life, no doubt, but they died with the same mindset that they had on the Quidditch pitch--"no one messes with our little sister and gets away with it." Arrghh, I love the Prewett twins.

Please write more about them. Please please please?

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #11, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Something Real

7th August 2014:
Poor Molly. :/

Despite his being not the quickest Snitch in the Quidditch chest, Hilarion spotted that something was wrong with Molly pretty quickly. I think that being with her family for a little while helped her out a lot, and even though she wanted to talked to Lucy, it was Percy who helped her the most. Who knew he had such great parenting skills?!

I love Percy in this story, just because he seems to have lost some of the pomp and circumstance that plagued him in his Hogwarts years. He is frank and honest with Molly, and he lets her cry on his shoulder. That's so beautiful. :') Also, I think he's been where Molly is right now--too busy being a leader to realize that it's okay to NOT be okay sometimes. You did such a masterful job of writing that scene. It was brilliant. :)

Molly's time to be "NOT okay" is now. It's an oddity for her to be late for Quidditch practice--whether five minutes or thirty--but she's trying to keep it all together. Fitz can't see that, perhaps because he's not good at telling emotions or perhaps because Molly is so good at keeping up a facade. :/

So I guess the junior league coaching thing is out for him, then. That makes sense--he was particularly rude to the team during practice in this chapter. Molly wanted to shout at him--I think he deserves a good chewing out. :P

And Molly's going to change her hair! From a mohawk to...What? I'll have to find out! :D

And maybe she'll start to be okay again. That would be good. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #12, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Colour-Coded and Perfect

7th August 2014:
...I forgot about this chapter.

Really, it must've been a dissociative thing, because I don't enjoy remembering all of the high drama and utter angstiness that happens. :/

It's very well-written, of course, and I KNOW that it all needed to happen, but WHY?!?! Why are you so excellent at pairing the very, very good with the soul-crushing, heart-wrenching bad and making me think that it's supposed to be this way?! *sob* Stop making me FEEL things, darn it!

So, since I forgot about this chapter, I thought that things were looking up for a longer period of time (for a change). And the first little bit of it was all happiness and gruff!Fitz and cohesive!Prides. It was great. Really, I loved seeing the team finally coming together after their devastation at the loss to Appleby. They're learning from their failure.

BUT MARIAH WALDMAN IS AN AWFUL PERSON. I'm sure that you get a lot of reviews that snark about her and her utter ridiculousness, and this review isn't going to break that tradition. Gr... She is so utterly awful, and it seems that her main mission in life is to stir up trouble for Fitz. She is jealous, lazy, ambitious in the worst sort of way, and positively conniving. In short, she's probably the embodiment of characteristics that people see in themselves (I know I do). As unfortunate as it is, I can understand why Mariah Waldman is so necessary to the plot of this story. But that doesn't mean that I like her. :P

And McCormack is just being dumb at this point. She's willing to believe MARIAH WALDMAN, who is FITZ'S EX-WIFE. Of course, the things that Mariah said were true, but why did McCormack have to go and get all angry about it before hearing Fitz's side? Why would she believe a player over a coach? Is she in cahoots with Mariah? Gr. Ugh, you know, at this point, I'm thinking that this story will end with Fitz taking a different coaching position (maybe in the junior league) just so that he can date Molly. But I don't really want that to happen. :/

AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND KILL MY FEELS. Because Fitz just HAS to go and tell Molly about McCormack's inanity, and then he tries to pull away from her when he doesn't even want to. And he thinks that she'll leave him later because he's just "someone for her to fix." Oh no. No no. Fitz is being so overdramatic in this chapter. He's got a terrible temper, yes, but can't he think rationally? Why don't he and Molly have a legitimate conversation for once, and sort things out?!

Your characters are giving me a headache. But in the best possible way. :)

I'm going to read on, just in case everything turns around again in the next chapter. (I hope it will!)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #13, by UnluckyStar57Year Five: Dozens of Little Televisions (1991)

7th August 2014:
Hello!

I'm so sorry that it's been aaagggeeesss since you requested this review, but better late than never, I guess! :D

I'll just start by saying that I don't usually read this type of fic. I'm more of a Next Generation fan, and the fics in the Hogwarts era never really appealed to me.

BUT!!! This story is quite different! I really enjoyed having two perspectives--Sophie and Tristan--although I thought at first that Sophie was going to be one of the main characters. (I guess she won't be, since she's a Muggle and such.) And I know that Tristan is going to be connected to the Weasley twins in some way, but I can't even guess how right now. It's all a mystery. I like Tristan's character--he could stand to stop moping, but I think that it's part of who he is at this point--and I like the way you write! So I'm super glad that I've found yet another facet of fanfiction to enjoy. :)

Okay, so you asked me to check for any grammar mistakes/bad writing in general, and I must say that I found none of those things. The writing style flows very well, and the grammar was impeccable! No worries. :)

Characters: I liked Sophie. She seems to be a sort of lost soul, just trying to find a way to fit in or stand out, since her boyfriend dumped her. And the "dozens of little televisions" thing had me laughing. Perhaps her musings about whether or not Tristan's parents are drug addicts was not out of place--it never occurred to me that Muggles would think that if they didn't know that they were in the company of wizards. So I was sad to see that Arnold Peasegood went ahead and Obliviated her. I would have liked to see her in later chapters.

Tristan--he seems like he's a mess right now. He finally found a girl that wouldn't pry (of course, Sophie only wanted to get to know him because she was hurt by her breakup with Stuart), and he was so careful to hide the evidence of magic in his room. Perhaps she made him happy for once, only to be sucked out of his life again by fate. Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for not making him a super-hot, super-muscled manly man. My biggest complaint about Next Gen is that there are too many "pretty boys" acting as love interests, and Tristan is definitely not that type. He fits in with my idea of Hogwarts-era people really well--not beautiful to the point of being a god, but simply just an average human being. I like it!

And so he sank into sadness. Watching anyone get Obliviated is hard enough, but he took it extra hard, I think. Did he care for Sophie very much? I couldn't quite tell by his actions, but that seems to be the case. And of course, his parents aren't the overly pushy type, they're not going to pry. They'll just let him do what he needs to do. I wish there was some way they could reach out to him without being obnoxious, though, but I think that you've written this very realistically!

I like that his dad is a Muggle. It explained why he was so knowledgeable about "secret government projects" and Muggle technology. Of course, he's actually not a secret government researcher, but it made sense to Sophie and calmed her down. That was a really good scene. :)

My one complaint is that Arnie Peasegood was like "Boys will be boys" when he came to Obliviate Sophie. I'm not so much a fan of that statement or the implications of it, but it definitely makes sense. It paints Arnie as the type of character who is willing to excuse messes as long as they can be easily cleaned up, and that's realistic. But it doesn't mean that I'm Arnie's biggest fan. If he appears again, I'll probably hate on him just a bit, if that's okay with you. :)

Please don't let my tardiness in reviewing this chapter deter you from requesting reviews from me again! It's been quite a busy summer, but I'm glad that I finally found time to read and review this. :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Oh yay! Thank you so much for leaving a review--no worries about the wait!

Yeah, I didn't really realize that this was a very different kind of story. I wrote "Year Five" first, and then found HPFF when I was looking into places to put it--and I'd never read fanfiction before (wow, so much talent on this site!) So yes, the story was conceived outside of HPFF fandoms.

I'm glad you liked Sophie! She is, as you noted, kind of a throw-away character--more of a narrative device to introduce the story. That said, I did want her to be realistic and sympathetic, so I'm really glad that came off!

And YES--I wanted all of the characters in this story to be realistic looking teenagers. That said--I find something weirdly attractive about the actor who I chose as Tristan' faceclaim (*weirdly* attractive, though. Not traditionally handsome :p )

And AH! Yeah, the idea of the girl who someone justhadtheirfirsttimewith(!) getting obliviated was SUCH a sad idea to me. I really wanted this story to examine the way that the wizarding world be also be cruel in novel ways (outside of just like, blood purity stuff).

Everything you feel about Tristan, his parents, all that--I'm actually really glad you said what you did, because all these characters are going places.

And oh yes, we are supposed to despise Arnie a little here. He's definitely not *evil*, or anything, but you'll see that this story takes a rather different approach to the Statute of Secrecy ;)

I will definitely re-request! Take all the time you need!

And thank you so much for your review! It's really helpful for me to see the perspective of someone who wouldn't usually read this kind of fic (I recognize it wouldn't be to everyone's tastes).

Thanks again!
-Roisin




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Review #14, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Stamp of Approval

6th August 2014:
So the repercussions of the bar brawl aren't too terrible, then. That's good! But the team is still taking the loss a bit hard, considering that they're a fairly new line-up and they've only won one game out of four. There is still disagreement amongst them, as evidenced by Zara accusing Jinks of losing the match for them. I can only hope that the highlights that Fitz shows them will make them think about what they need to improve!

Ooh, random thought--how do these training reels come about? Is there a magical film industry in the Next Generation world? Or do they just have a quick-clicking camera that takes a bunch of pictures and animates them? Or did the wizards finally wise up and start using Muggle technology? *smirks* I'm kind of curious about this now! :D

Like the good, ale-quaffing Quidditch players they are, the team is only too happy to accept Molly's invitation for drinks. Adding Lucy in their midst is just hilarious--but she doesn't think so, of course! Her differences from Molly are really emphasized in this chapter, and it's nice to see them compared side-by-side. So many fics write Molly and Lucy as carbon copies of Percy, and it's quite obvious that neither of his daughters are exactly like him in this fic. :)

D'awww, Lucy is being so obvious around Fitz. She may be able to keep a secret, but she can't resist a comment or two. :) And Fitz was being quite adorable himself, alerting Molly to her firewhiskey shortage so that the team wouldn't see her meticulously-arranged bottles.

Hmmm, in the bar on a Sunday? What are their livers made of, steel?! What I'm curious about is the reason why Molly and Fitz went to the bar when they were going to have to wake up early the next morning. Rough weekend? I'm not sure...

But I'm not complaining, because it led to more fantastic awkwardness and sexual tension between them. That's the best part! :D No, just kidding--while it is one of the best parts, it's not the only thing that drives the story. But in the past few chapters, there have been a lot of those little moments...

And of course, Fitz finally realizes that what he's feeling for Molly might be just a wee bit more than physical attraction. Uh oh. I'm sure that if there were no relationship bans, they would be together and already sick of each other by now, but that is entirely not the case here. The Great Romance Crockpot is slowly starting to simmer, and I'm waiting for it to boil over! :D

(Sorry, I like weird metaphors/comparisons...)

Anyways, there were lots of interesting interactions in this chapter, and I enjoyed it immensely!

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #15, by UnluckyStar57Actions Speak Louder than Words: Blown Away: Scorpius POV

6th August 2014:
... Holy cow. This is a LOADED chapter!

I'm back to review your story once more! I'm loving the Scorpius PoV so far--very insightful as far as certain events go! But what could've happened in the time that he was away with Mason? What changed? Who attacked his parents? (Is it the same person who kidnapped Rose?)

I love how different Rose and Scorpius's thoughts are. You did a wonderful job making a distinction between the two, and I can definitely tell that this is Scorpius and not "Rose 2.0." It's funny how she thought that the Ravenclaw t-shirt was his, but he knew that it was hers and thought that she believed him to be creepy/weird for holding on to it for so long. :)

Did I catch another secret that's being kept from me in the second paragraph?! Scorpius starts to think about a similar situation to the one that he was in with Rose when Albus barged in, and then decides that he shouldn't think about it. I want to know what it is!!!

The flashback was great--I could sense Scorpius's tension with his parents as far as Muggle things and the Potters go. It makes me really sad that he didn't have a chance to make up with them before they died. I bet he regrets that every day. :/

And I think that every single person has felt like Mason at some point in our lives. We just want to fit in! But unfortunately, we end up being more annoying than anything. I'm very in awe of the fact that you wrote in a side character who is so relatable in such a short amount of time. :)

This keeps getting better and better! I must make more of an effort to read and review more than once per month! :)

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hi!

Oooo - thank you so much for this awesome review!!

I can't say just yet about Scorpius's parents. The next chapter has a little bit of information on that.

Sooo glad (and relieved) that you approve of Scorpius's POV. That is probably the thing I am most worried about. I really wanted to give him his own voice but, alas, I am not a twenty year old male wizard who lost his parents as a teenager - haha!

He does regret it every day. It haunts him, really. He will carry that guilt for a while.

The secret hinted in the second paragraph is revealed in the next chapter. :) The rest of Scorpius's flashback answers a lot of questions.

Haha- yeah Mason. I totally know what you mean. He is so desperate for friends, but just annoys Scorpius to no end - although Scorpius is really annoyed with his parents.

Thank you so much - this review was simply wonderful!

Beth


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Review #16, by UnluckyStar57Not Normal: {Chapter the Sixth}

6th August 2014:
*shuffles in awkwardly after an atrociously long amount of time* HI!!

I'm SO sorry that I haven't reviewed this chapter until now. With the HC and real life getting in the way, I had no time for normal review requests. (And then Event Five made me want to take a break from reviewing. You know how it goes.)

But here I am, back again to give you my thoughts about this chapter!

My first thought: Yay!! There's finally a new chapter!!! :D I sincerely love this story, along with all of Ellie's insanity and Albus' snarkiness. :)

And so, to get myself up to speed for this chapter, I reread all of the previous ones. (It was well worth the time, I assure you!) :D

Something that I would like to see more of in future chapters: At the beginning of this story, you mentioned that Ellie's brother, Chris (that's his name, right?), played a lot of musical instruments and was extremely good at composing songs. Well, is that going to come back anytime soon? I'm a music major in university, and I really like it when music shows up in fanfic. Is there any way that you could weave his musical prowess into the plot? :D

Just a thought. :)

Now, to speak of this chapter:

So Ellie FINALLY figures out what the gap in the shelves is for, and it's going to add a whole lot more fun to the story, I'm sure! Not only does she have ghosts dogging her every step, but now she has a mystery to solve! And she's not like Nancy Drew or Trixie Belden--she's actually crazy and goofy and awesome. :D

I loved your description of how the lion, snake, eagle, and badger interact on the stone. The booping of the snake's nose was so cute! :D But behind the stone was an incredible mystery--what's it doing behind a library shelf in Hogwarts? Is it some sort of gift that Rowena Ravenclaw left behind, similar to Slytherin's Chamber? (It's in the library, so that's why I asked.)

A note about all of the references to different fandoms/works of literature: I enjoy those references. They make me chuckle. :D But I think that using Sense and Sensibility is taking it a little bit too far. Using the names of people is fine--I could imagine Ellie saying things like "Holy Shakespeare" and "Good gravy, Galileo!", but "Holy Sense and Sensibility" is a phrase that I can't really picture anyone saying. BUT! That was the only complaint that I had with any of this chapter. Everything else--the writing style, the timing of jokes, the descriptions--was spot on. :)

To talk about the beginning of the chapter: Oh Albus, you meddling jerk. Spilling all of Ellie's secrets to Ben! Gah! Why can't he just admit that he's in lurve with Ellie already? Everything would work itself out, right? (Well, probably not.)

And it looks like Ellie's got a new ghostie to investigate, on top of everything else she's got going on. Why is the ghost of Charlie-call-me-Chuck haunting his ex-girlfriend? What's going on there?

I guess I'll wrap this incredibly odd review up now, but not without saying this:

PLEASE write/post the seventh chapter soon! I can't wait to read more, and I have so many questions that could be answered in future chapters! I want to know these things! I want to ship Albus and Ellie, but I can't right now because they're still in Snarkytown. :P

So goodbye for now! I'll see you at the next chapter! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Aww! Don't feel bad! I'm terrible with keeping up with reviewing myself so I'm just so impressed that you've put in the effort for this story *hugs*

I was pretty excited to post this chapter. I take so long with updates on this one for some reason, because I really enjoy writing it.

I haven't written as much of Chris as I would like. Him and his music awesomeness shall be putting in an appearance very soon...

Ellie is not really cut out for the detective business, but I imagine she read heaps of Nancy Drew novels when she was younger, so she totally thinks she is. Oh, how wrong you are, Ellie...

And I can't say too much about the secret room because it's secret! Also future plot points are in the future, so... NO SPOILERS!

Those references Ellie makes... I went ridiculously overboard with them in this chapter. I think I'll have to dial them down. They lose their effect a little because I use them so often :P Thank you for your feedback on that!

Oh, Albus indeed! And I don't know why he can't admit his feelings - actually I do, but I can't say that :P

Ellie's adventures are just beginning. She's in for a jam-packed year for sure!

I've started planning the next chapter so an update shall be happening soonish! Hopefully faster than this one at least...

Thank you so much for this lovely review :)


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Review #17, by UnluckyStar57Hate: Andromeda Tonks

6th August 2014:
Oh no... This is too sad. :/ I can see why you would cry about this, especially when listening to that song...

Andromeda/Ted (or Tedromeda, as I like to call them) is a new favorite ship of mine, but I *try* not to think about what happens when Ted and Dora die, leaving Andromeda all alone. It leads to an overload of sadness, which is what this story is. :/

Good sadness, of course! It is good to feel sad sometimes, especially in the midst of so much fluff. But still. Sad is sad.

Andromeda is sad. She is deeply and profoundly sad, and I love how you showed that. Her sadness manifests itself in hatred and jealousy, and maybe those emotions are sincere, but they are driven by sadness. She lost her balance, her Ted, and now everything is different and it has become okay to hate someone who died. :'(

The funny thing is, I never thought about Andromeda's feelings in relation to Lily Evans. I never even considered that she would have a reason to hate Lily, but this short little one-shot has taught me differently. Lily died to save Harry. Andromeda could not do that for Dora. And even though she has a grandson, a reminder of the daughter she lost, it isn't going to be enough. She's going to look at Teddy's blue hair and metamorphosing nose and think of Dora, think of all the times she scolded her for not washing her hands before dinner and all the times she didn't say "I love you." Andromeda is experiencing major survivor's guilt on top of her sadness and hatred and jealousy, and it is just awful to see her going through that. :/

"(Was it awful, that Andromeda could say so emotionlessly that her husband and her daughter had died? Death, dying, died, dead. Her husband and her daughter were dead. The words brought a dull pain into her heart.)"~One of my favorite quotes from this story. For Andromeda, Ted and Dora are dead in every sense of the word and she can do nothing about it. It has become a fact that she must live with. Separating herself from the emotion is the only way to cope with it.

Gosh, you've got such a brilliant command of the English language and such a knack for evoking emotion in the reader (namely, me). Just look at all these feels you've given me! *drops feels into a wheelbarrow* It's going to take a minute to sort through these...

I do need to take a break from the feels to ask a question about pronouns:

In this sentence: "Did it matter that if she could have, Andromeda Tonks would have gone to her sister and stood in front of her as the Killing Curse had come out of her wand?", do you mean that the Killing Curse would have come out of Andromeda's sister's wand? (I'm thinking that Bellatrix=Andromeda's sister...) The pronouns got a little bit confusing for me, but I think I worked it out in the end. :)

Seriously, you did such a stellar job with this. I'm incredibly impressed that you took a break from JulNo to write it! And I can't wait to read your JulNo novel. :)

~Mallory

P.S. Thanks for the help with my banner crisis earlier. (Because I couldn't end this review without mentioning it, y'know?) You are super awesome for putting up with my almost-meltdown! :D

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Review #18, by UnluckyStar57House of Cards: King of Hearts

6th August 2014:
Oh look--another review! Just what you wanted, right? :D

No, but seriously, THANK YOU for helping me with the stupid coding thing. As with most of the things I do, it was much more stressful than it should've been. *smirks*

Anyways, here's your review!

YAY! Regulus is NOT dead! But Sirius is super sad about it all. The line "He wants to ask, wants to know what's going on inside the house, whether Reggie... whether his brother's still alive or not, but the words seem to stick in his throat, bunching up as he tries to force them out." made me sad because he's already starting to prepare himself for the dehumanization of Regulus. This is a pair of brothers who aren't as close as they once were--in fact, they're downright awful to each other--but Sirius still has to think in less-general terms when thinking about Regulus' death. Maybe they did love each other after all...

And secrets are still floating through the air as Sirius finds out about Regulus' alive-ness and goes with his father to see his brother. What are Orion and Alphard going off to talk about? Hmmm...

Haha, Bartegulus sees the light once again! Seriously, this is a ship that I never thought of, and it's super interesting! What a weird dynamic they have, especially if Barty was Reg's attacker like Bella seems to think! It is revealed that Sirius may feel some affection for his little bro after all, as he feels the need to punch Barty for being all kissy-kissy with Reg. :)

Alphard... Hmmm... He knows how to spot a closeted Black... Can I take that to mean that he himself is in the closet? He got really defensive about it, and the way he defended Reg makes me believe that he has a few secrets of his own in that area... What's the story there? Where did he get his "experience" from? Will that come to light in the next chapter or so?

The dig at Bella: "Probably shooting spells at passing birds."! I could definitely see her doing that! She's so awful, especially in Sirius' estimation, but her family loyalties are quite clear. She's got a vendetta against Barty and it isn't because he is Reg's boyfriend. Where did she get the notion that Barty attacked Reg? Did she see it? Did Reg say something to that effect?

I wouldn't expect Reg to be kissing Barty if he knew that Barty attacked him, though. But he seems to be clueless about the WHO of the attack. He knows the WHY, though. But HOW does he know the WHY?! Was he present for the conspiracy that started the chain of murders? Did he see something that he wasn't supposed to see? So many questions!

I had to read the scene at the end twice to make sure I got it right. So after Orion leaves, Reg enters the realm of memory. He remembers the figure slipping into his room and he reaches out, expecting Barty. (Is this where Bella got the idea that Barty was the attacker?) And he is frozen, trapped, vulnerable, dying again in the memory just as surely as he would have died in reality.

But Alphard's voice brings him back. And then he screams. BUT WHY?! Why are you torturing Reg so much? Everyone else just died, but Reg keeps going in and out--is Alphard going to kill him?! What's up with that mysterious pink vial? The poison is in there, right?!

I am so confused, but in a good way. As far as your prose goes, it was all very wonderful, very chilling, and very very excellent. I was a little bit unclear about that last part--but only about the exact moment when Reg started remembering. It fits in with the rest of the chapter--sort of stream-of-consciousness-esque writing. It reminds me of Virginia Woolf's writing (and that is a compliment, if you didn't know).

So. Favorite quotes:

"The appearance of his father has jerked him out of his calm, cold-induced trance, and dumped him unceremoniously back in the real, physical world, where he can feel and think and panic, where people can cry and bleed and die."

"It touches, curls around, grasps and twists downwards. The door opens."~About the door handle. It really showed me how far removed Sirius was from the situation. He didn't open the door, his hand did. Sirius is just as messed up in the head as the other Blacks. :)

"Outside in the hallway, there's a series of shouts, a thud, and then the long, slow shatter of the chandelier falling, crashing and splitting into a thousand and one diamond shards."~Such description! I can see it in my mind, and I feel like the characters who aren't even present to watch it fall can see it, too. The chandelier falls, the secret breaks. Incidentally, I need to talk about this: WHO cut down the chandelier, and WHY?! What were they trying to prove? Good distraction from Reg's room? Does that mean that Alphard IS going to kill his nephew?! :O

"For a moment, there's no sound save for the shifting of cloth as Alphard walks. Then, Regulus screams."~Simple, right? NOT. WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON?!

Well, that just about covers it. All the confusion. All the terror. All the insanity. Gosh, this is such a good story. I can't even begin to imagine what the sequel is about! :D

Til next time!

~Mallory

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Review #19, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Spiralling Self-Control

5th August 2014:
Oh dear... Right when I thought that Molly and Fitz were going to have a rational conversation, they go and start snogging again. :) It really isn't a bad problem to have, but right now I'm wondering how they can possibly keep this up without McCormack finding out. I'm also wondering if there's any way for them to change McCormack's mind about her no-romance policy? That would make things easier, certainly, but a whole lot less fun/awkward. :D

Of course they lost. How could they win against a top five team? I think it's incredibly realistic, and although some of the team members are a bit upset, it's going to be worth it in the long run. And maybe next year they can take the league!

Hilarion and Lucy just keep getting cuter. Like, seriously, could you have written a cuter couple? Probably not. While Molly and Fitz are a bit like tigers--sort of wild and things like that--Lucy and Hilarion are like Pygmy Puffs. They're so cute! And Hilarion is really of a rare breed--a super handsome guy who's almost embarrassed by his looks? That's unheard of in fanfiction! Which is why I'm glad that you wrote about it. :D

This chapter was going along so swimmingly--no fights, no arguments, just some yelling and gruffness from Fitz--until the end happened and everything got messed up again. What could the Beaters have said to each other to make them start brawling?! They've really got to work on that, especially since the Prides are just starting to become a reputable team again and McCormack won't like hearing about the fight. Hopefully things will work out...

Jinks continues to make me laugh. He's such a goof. I love the personality that he's developing throughout the story! And also, I'm seriously in awe of you for being able to balance the characterizations of so many characters! It's such a wonderful story to read, and it makes me very happy. :D

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #20, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Tentative Hope

5th August 2014:
Well played, Molly and Fitz. Well played. :)

I don't think that the team suspects anything yet, except for maybe Mariah, and who cares about her? She's kind of my least favorite character right now, and out of all the cool and funny characters you've written in this story, I'm glad that there's one I can sort of hate. :)

Petition for you to write a romance novel about Hugo Weasley finding his lurve after you finish this story. :) Hugo is COOL. He's so smart and pretty sarcastic, and the way he deals with the crap that Fitz gives him is just perfect. And he's so understanding of Molly and he knows when he should stop badgering her (unlike Roxanne). So I think that Hugo should find somebody permanent to luuurveee. :) Or you know, maybe not. Maybe he's the Uncle Charlie of the bunch. But I would still like a story about it. :D

Fitz is seriously stepping up his role as coach! I think it's brilliant that he took a day off of training to show them Ballycastle's weaknesses. That can only make the team stronger and more confident in their abilities, so it was a good move on his part. And it was wise of Molly to suggest that he look at the reels in the first place!

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!! I really loved the scene in which Molly boosts Fitz's confidence before the match. He's obviously sort of a wreck, he has no idea how to be optimistic, and she basically fixes all of that. :D Yet another reason why they should be together. And that was one of the most rousing pre-match Quidditch speeches that I've ever read in fanfic. It made ME feel like I could beat Ballycastle, and I'm no athlete! It obviously made the team feel better about themselves, because they stormed out of the locker room, set to divide and conquer!

I'm so glad that they've finally won a match, but I don't doubt that they're going to lose a few more before this story ends. That's pretty realistic, but for now, they can party! :D

Another marvelous chapter! I really love rereading this story. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #21, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Surprising Depths

4th August 2014:
OH NO. LOADED CHAPTER ALERT!!!

I must stop myself before I talk about that last section for the whole review... I'll talk about the other stuff first, and save the best/most interesting for last. :)

It would seem that the team finds their solidarity in hangovers. Except for Jinks, that freak of nature, who doesn't get hangovers. The Wind in the Willow game showed them more unified than ever before, and this time, it was actually constructive. They are starting to overcome their various tiffs and lovers' quarrels in order to become a cohesive unit. Yay!

The one regret that I have about this chapter is that you didn't actually write the scene in which the team sees the Hebridean Blacks. I would have liked to see how that panned out, but I totally understand that it was not necessary in the grand scheme of things. I enjoyed the conversation about the Weasleys/Potters between Molly and Fitz, though. They're getting to know each other on a friend level, while still finding each other mind-blowingly attractive, of course!

The scene in the pub, with Jinks showing so much maturity and rationality, was super interesting. I'm so glad that they were able to own up to their faux pas and mistakes, and I think it's oddly fitting for Jinks to be their spokesperson. After all, he's the laziest one of them all, so hopefully this will lead to him pulling a bit more weight on the team. He's an interesting guy. I'd like to know more about him!

...Now I'll talk about the last part.

UH OH!!! UH OH!!! Molly and Fitz walking home together?! This could only lead to trouble and awesome shipping material. When I first read this, it was a scene that I read twice because it was just so perfect. It stuck in my memory, so I knew what was coming, but I was still awed by the total simplicity and utter right-ness of the scene. Molly and Fitz really open up about their attraction to each other here. There's no kiss-and-run like at the bar back in Portree, there's no admiration of each other's looks from afar. There's only Fitz and Molly, Molly and Fitz, holding each other close in the dark. No anger, no angst, no blackout-drunken stupor. Just the need for one another's company/a little more than just company. I don't know, the way you wrote this is so incredibly different from the usual drunken tryst thing. It might have been the alcohol that made them shrug off the responsibilities and rules that come with being coach and captain, but it was Molly and Fitz who decided that they wanted to take the next step. The problems of McCormack's no-romance policy can wait until the morning.

Beautiful work.

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #22, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: A Fine Line

4th August 2014:
I'm back with a few more reviews for you! :D

Wow, in this chapter I found myself sort of feeling sorry for Risa Lefoque. The team is uniting, that's true, but at what cost? Her sanity, probably. And this retreat is her life's work, and they're making a mockery of it. That's kind of indecent of them, and I'm sure that it hurts her feelings a little bit.

But the team is just so funny that I had to forgive them. After all, it wasn't by choice that they went to the retreat, it was by command of McCormack, who isn't around very much to know their personalities and such. It can only lead to disaster and wild nights of drinking in the local pub.

Uh oh, the hiking exercise! A three-hour hike?! I know that I couldn't make it that far! But the Quidditch players can do it, and they can do it with their usual mockery and jokes. How rude. :) And naturally, Molly is placed behind Fitz, to his utter distraction. The description of her hand on his shoulder and then their brief, joking interaction were very well done. They made me smile. :D

"What new hells do you plan to perpetrate on us?"~~Oh Jinks, you weirdo. :) Based on his previous jocular, lazy character, I wouldn't expect him to say this the way he did, but the expression on his face made it even more hilarious. Who knew that the sleep Seeker could have such an interesting vocabulary? :D

Hahaha, the interaction between the barman and his second cousin was really funny. It is true that "no one can hate you like your family." And I feel that these two, along with the cackling witches, embody the spirit of the little town that the Prides have landed themselves in. I don't even need a description of the town itself, because I get a sense of it from the actions and dialogue of the town's residents. :)

Another super-electrical sort of moment between Molly and Fitz. Me gusta! She obviously cares about him, asking after his shoulder and such, and they're already arguing like they've known each other for years. It continues to be a lovely, not-quite-there-yet ship. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #23, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: A Sabotaged Sorceress

1st August 2014:
Hahaha, I read "French roast" as "French toast" at first, so I was confused. Why would she need French toast instead of tea?! But I figured it out pretty quickly. :D

Ugh, this retreat sounds awful. Did you write it from your own personal experience? It seems like a lot of super annoying activities strung together that are supposed to build teamwork but actually just end up making everyone mad. Gross. :) But the team obviously isn't going to play along with Risa Lefoque. Their responses to her asking how they felt about the exercises was priceless.

And Molly and Fitz are having another one of their double-meaning conversations. Goodness. Leave it to Risa to pair them up in an exercise about comfortable social proximity... That only leads to trouble. :)

Oh my gosh, drink orders! That part made me laugh a lot. Risa Lefoque has no idea what she's gotten herself into. But the best thing about the stupid exercises is that the team is getting along much better now. They actually found something in common--they all think that team-building exercises are stupid. Ironically, that's the thing that is building their teamwork. :D

Oh dear. A night of drinking could only lead to more hilarity and trouble...

Also, as 1 August is soon to end for me, I have run out of time to write reviews. I will write the rest in the coming days!

Happy WTM Day! :D

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #24, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: A Pack of Wild Dogs

1st August 2014:
What a mess. First of all, the aftermath of the kiss was really messy, and now that I'm looking back on everything, here begins the real back-and-forth that Fitz and Molly have in later chapters (though it progresses to some more serious stuff). They would be so good together, but at this stage, there is no way to make it work. And that kiss in chapter six was just a tease. Don't do things like that to my shipping emotions! D:

And then the team is just being awful. It's like they're five years old and they all had a fight about who ate the last cookie. And so they won't share their toys with each other or actually sit down and talk it out. Although he's the coach, Fitz is the worst five-year-old of them all. He could act his age and try to mediate between the factions, but he won't. He doesn't know how. Grr. (Also, sorry for the weird comparison. It's what I was thinking about, so I had to say it.) Unfortunately, this scenario that you've written is probably true-to-life. We all act petulant sometimes, and the Prides are in this awful funk. I love how realistic it is.

Ahahaha, I'm glad that things are taking a turn for the slightly-more-ridiculous now. The loss to Caerphilly wasn't as bad, obviously, but the retreat!! Hahahaha, that's going to be fun to reread. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #25, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Magpies and Mistakes

1st August 2014:
I think that this chapter just dialed up the heat a bit between Molly and Fitz. Ummm, yes. This is totally okay. :)

There's such a variety of moods in this chapter. It seemed like training was going a little bit better--Fitz got a broom that he could safely maneuver, after all, and things seemed to be looking up. But then the game happened, and that was just a disaster. It's clear that they're not gelling like they should, and they have A LOT to work on, in temperament and teamwork as well as Quidditch. Oooh, I can imagine the fight being incredibly scary to watch. It's a mark of Molly's confidence and team captain-ness that she didn't run off crying when Mariah started to blame her for everything. (I know I would have...)

AND THEN. Fitz is so interested in Molly, and vice versa... I can't stand it! It's perfect! I won't call it cute because that's not at all what it is, but still. Perfect. His discovery of her almost-inhuman neatness could add an interesting element to things later on, and his revelation to her that she makes him less angry is just... So perfect. Gah. I don't even know what to call it, but it was very, very awesome. And that kiss!

I love your characters so much. And I ship Molly and Fitz TOO much. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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