Reading Reviews From Member: UnluckyStar57
  
738 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57Year Five: The Hex Head Express

15th September 2014:
Duddde...

WHY didn't I come back to this story sooner?! I feel really bad about the delay, but you know, life got in the way. :/

BUT I'm back! And oh my gosh, the first chapter might have been fueled by Tristan's angst and whatnot, but this chapter was plumb HILARIOUS. I can't offer you any sort of constructive criticism about the plot/grammar/spelling/dialogue/et cetera because you've absolutely perfected it all. Gosh.

To preface the rest of my review: I am comparatively innocent in comparison to your fifteen-year-old characters, and I don't really condone the use of mid-altering substances (because I'm that sort of old-maid-librarian-cat-lady type). But in the context of this story, I definitely approve because there were so many silly things that happened that would not have been possible had the characters not been so into substance use. :)

First of all: Cheering Charms=drugs?! You know, that makes far too much sense, and you're totally brilliant for using such a charm in the context of this story. After all, they DO alter your mood, and if no one feels like partying, using magic to cheer them up is a simple and fun fix. :D I loved the mention of Trevor the Toad after the four cast their charms--because I definitely knew exactly whose toad it was, and I knew that the firsties would be looking for him later.

FRED AND GEORGE ARE TOO MUCH I CANNOT HANDLE THEM BOTH AT ONCE. They are completely adorable despite their mischievousness and hijinks. All those jokes about Percy... And Harry's clothes!... And Ron! I laughed all the way through that scene--your sense of humor is obviously incredible, and I'm in love with this story already.

I love how you've taken the House stereotypes and twisted them a little bit. The most obvious example is Emily the Hufflepuff, who is a nice girl with a taste for partying and mind-altering substances. I'm super happy to see that she's not being labeled as a "scarlet woman" or any synonym that would degrade her, because that's such a common label in fanfic and it needs to stop. So yeah, I really loved your characterizations of all of the girls!

Just to get this straight: Emily is a Hufflepuff. Tristan is a Gryffindor. Isobel is...? Laurel is...? I don't know if I missed an important detail, but I wasn't quite sure what Houses the other two girls were in. Maybe that information is divulged in the next chapter if it isn't in this one. Sorry if I just accidentally missed the memo!

One question: When you wrote "Slytherines" in the sentence "If Slytherines weren't so categorically opposed to muggle drugs...", did you mean to write "Slytherins?" Because here's the thing--if you meant "SlytherinEs" (with the E on the end), then I am 100% okay with that. It made me think of Snape from A Very Potter Musical, and that is ALWAYS a good thing. If you actually meant "Slytherins," well, that's okay, too. :)

Okay, after revisiting this story and reading the hilarious and superb second chapter, I can totally see why this story keeps popping up in the Dobby noms. You definitely deserve at least one or two awards for all of your brilliance. :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hello again!

THANK YOU SO MUCH! This is really the first piece of prose fiction I've ever done, and I just had NO IDEA whether or not the comedy would even work! I'm sososososo glad you found it funny!

You know, I'd be interested to get your opinion going forward, because I'd HOPED that this story would still be readable even if people have very little tolerance for substance use. I really wanted to kind of submit a lot of this story *without comment*--to leave the readers their own room for interpretation. And I NEVER wanted to glamorize or condone (but also didn't want to preach). Anyway, I'm very interested in your honest opinions!

Heehee--Trevor! I just couldn't get over the childhood-destroying idea that while Harry was having his magical first journey to Hogwarts, some kids a few departments down were experimenting with recreational magic!

The Twins were SO MUCH FUN to write! I really feel like I *know* them, you know? So writing their manners and dialog seemed so, I dunno, *spontaneous!*

THANK YOU SO MUCH about your comments on Emily! In this story I wanted to both use common teen dramedy tropes, but then still sort of subvert the stereotypes (because real life *rarely* conforms to such narrow characters). I also feel like Hufflepuffs don't get enough love, so I really wanted to write a Puff and do them JUSTICE!

AhaAaAa, so all their Houses are revealed in the next chapter--super glad you're thinking about it! (Here it's mentioned that Emily is a Puff, and Isobel/Laurel are Claws--but it gets reinforced soon).

GAH! THANK YOU for the note on "SlytherinEs"--definitely a typo (I ALWAYS want to spell it like that!) Will fix it in my next edit!

Yee! Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words! I'm in what I think I could best describe as a state of shock! I am not exaggerating when I say I'm about 30% convinced that I'm still dreaming, and 70% JUST WHAT?!?!?!


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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57Detox: Epilogue

15th September 2014:
What's this? I've finally come to review the last chapter? Oh wow, it's been quite a while! :P

Well, this one certainly didn't disappoint me--and I knew that it wouldn't, considering that all the others were so fun to read. But seeing the Epilogue from Draco's perspective was really interesting and quite funny, so I'm going to have to say that this is one of my favorite chapters in this story. :)

As for this being a realistic scene from Draco's perspective, my answer is YES. I like how the scene began with Scorpius and all of his nervousness, unlike the actual DH epilogue (with Albus). It made everything a little more personal and expounded upon the relationship between Draco and Astoria (especially now that it's been a few years) and introduced Scorpius's character in a really brilliant way.

Ugh, Lucius is always going to be Lucius. That's never ever going to change, unfortunately, but I guess there's nothing anyone can do about it. I hate that he went and passed on his pureblood mania to Scorpius, but the kid is pretty smart. He seems like he has a good moral compass and a penchant for eavesdropping. Maybe he won't end up as prejudiced as his grandfather.

DRACO, YOU SCAMP!!! Okay, as a rule, I NEVER ship Scorose when they're only eleven--that's like forcing them into something that seems "inevitable" and that just isn't right. But Draco is doing all of the shipping in this chapter--and he's doing it for very devious reasons. SCOROSE IS NOW AN ALLIANCE TO SHOW THAT THE MALFOYS DON'T HATE THE WINNING SIDE. WHAT IS THIS?!?! Ugh, what a weirdo. If Scorpius DID run into Rose on that train, I hope that they at least became friends or enemies or frenemies before they started making kissy faces at each other.

That being said, are you writing a Scorose? What with your writing style and the overly cliched nature of the pairing, that would be an interesting experiment! But you know, it's probably better if you didn't...

While I didn't necessarily like Draco's initial response to Scorpius's question about getting Sorted, I did think that it was a very Draco thing for him to say. OF COURSE it never crossed his mind that his kid might not be in Slytherin--Draco was a Slytherin before the Hat even looked into his brain! But Scorpius might be different--I can definitely see something of a Ravenclaw or a Gryffindor in him from this chapter, and it would be rather interesting to see how Draco deals with having a son in a different House. (Despite his final response, I still think that he'll have a hard time of it if Scorpius doesn't become a Slytherin.)

Hahaha, Draco and Ron will NEVER be friends. Ever. Even if Rose and Scorpius get married as soon as they graduate from Hogwarts. Some rivalries never die, and Ron was always the stubborn sort. It made a lot of sense for Draco to have another go at picking on him, even if it was indirectly--through their children. It might not be the nicest form of revenge, but I suppose that's the point. :D

So, what's next? Are you going to write a sequel to this? Maybe a one-shot with Scorpius's Sorting? (I'm kind of curious to learn what House he's Sorted into.) Or maybe even *gasp* a noncliche, action/adventure Scorose?!

Whatever it might be, I'm sure it'll be awesome. This story certainly was, and although most of this review concentrates on Scorpius/all the drama surrounding the Next Generation, I can't forget how this story made me think about Draco a little differently. This is character development/evolution at its finest. Bravo to you, Dan! :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #3, by UnluckyStar57We Are One: Sunshine, stay

4th September 2014:
Oooh, chapter two ramps the mystery up a notch! D:

Okay, I can understand why someone would want to kill Umbridge, but Xeno?!?! The only connection that I can find between the two is that they both helped the Death Eaters in some way--and in a rather indirect way, at that! (Well, Xeno was more direct about it, but he wasn't actually on their side.) Grr. I am not a detective, so I can't figure it all out!

Ugh, creepy bit of second person PoV there. Just enough to keep the mystery alive, but not enough to reveal any clues about who the killer might be. I'm wondering if it could be a Ministry worker who is under the Imperius curse by a former Death Eater? Or maybe a former Death Eater who escaped Azkaban? Or maybe a regular citizen who thinks that they should exact revenge?

Arggh, I don't even know.

Luna seems very mystical and Luna-esque. I thought you did a brilliant job of writing her character, especially after she's been married, had a child, and so recently lost her father. She's definitely one-of-a-kind. :)

Who will be murdered next?! Or maybe the murderer will take a day off in chapter three... Either way, I'll be back for more very soon! :D

~For the September BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #4, by UnluckyStar57The Mildly Perilous and Mostly Tragicomic Misadventures of Sir Roderick Gryffindor and 'Sir' Ivan Harris: In Which Ivan Dreams Like a Man

2nd September 2014:
Hi Rumpel! I'm here for the swap. :)

I've definitely read this chapter before, but I haven't reviewed it... Most curious...

Well, I'm glad I'm reviewing it now, because I think I can fully appreciate the humor and the gender politics that are happening. There's so much satire and sarcasm! I'm loving it, seriously.

It seems to me that you've got some overtones of Terry Pratchett--is that right? Max-the-Amazing-Narrator reminds me a lot of Pratchett's narrative style, which I love! It's just too funny that only certain characters can hear him. That's going to lead to some interesting situations later on, I'm sure!

Ugh, the start of the story is DEFINITELY the way I try to start chapters. Except I erase my failed attempts. All those cliched beginnings were super silly, but I think that they added a lot to the story. After all, this is a story about a time period that we know from fairy tales, but this story is a fairy tale that makes fun of fairy tales.

Ivan is totally cool. I love that she defies all of the usual stereotypes, and in contrast to Nicholi, she likes all of the super-fun, adventurous stuff. It sucks royal hippogriff that she has to maybe get married to that weird Lord Grundyblossom fellow, because he sounds hideous. :P

In addition, I like that Nicholi doesn't long to chase after lassies and laddies, as it were. He seems to be totally content with his knowledge of things, and that's totally cool! He would be a brilliant Ravenclaw. :) The poor thing, having to pretend to be a man's man when all he wants to do is look up at the sky and dream about calculus. :/

This is just so funny and well-written. The themes about gender stereotypes and cliched medieval tropes are set up in a light-hearted way that I don't think they could offend anyone. Instead, it's a brilliant example of how characters can defy those awful boundaries and be whoever they want to be. :D

I really enjoyed this chapter!

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #5, by UnluckyStar57Here, There & Everywhere: Here, There and Everywhere

2nd September 2014:
I'm here for our swap! :)

Okay, to be perfectly honest, I had to step away from the computer for a minute before writing this review. Why? Well, it's because this story made me cry.

Yes, I cried. I don't know why I cried, really, because this is not a sad story. It's a very happy story, in fact, but my tears were shed, nonetheless. There were just so many emotions that your prose evoked in my head, and so I let them out through tears.

...And I knew that I would ruin all these lovely words you've written with my own weird words, but this story only has one review (besides this one) and that makes me a little sad. Why aren't people exalting you to the heavens, as some goddess of HP fanfiction?!

Yes, that was strange. Sorry if I'm being too weird. :P

Let me be honest with you again: I don't normally read Romione. It's one of my favorite canon ships, but in fanfiction it seems so stultified, so stale. NOT THIS STORY. No, you've written something that sticks perfectly to canon, while taking on a new meaning and life of its own at the exact same time. You brilliant, brilliant person. Like, seriously, I don't know what else to say about that.

I loved all of the parallels between the sections--how it was always in July, just before Harry reentered their lives to add more danger to the mix. I loved that each year, Ron realized more and more what Hermione had known all along. I loved that July was their month, a month in which they began to explore their own minds and discover feelings that were only half-formed in the beginning.

Gosh, it's all so beautiful, but I've got a few favorite quotes that I'm going to quote right back at you, just so that you know that your genius has not gone unnoticed. Seriously, if I had your gift for metaphor and simile and diction, I would die of happiness.

"...she stays up in the early hours helping him brew an antidote while he hides his eggshell head under a hand-knit jumper like a turtle with a maroon shell."~I'll be darned if this fragment doesn't capture their whole entire relationship perfectly. Love.

"He would eat slugs, attack a troll for her; he would face spiders to rescue her; he would throw himself in front of a werewolf for her, and perhaps he has always known these things. He is the knight who would sacrifice himself to win the game of chess for her, and perhaps he has known this for a long time, waiting to discover the knowledge within himself."~This is the point at which the tears started flowing. I'm such a weirdo, honestly, but this is so, so shimmery and marvelous. It really puts Romione in perspective, and I don't even know why ANYONE would hate Ron after reading this story.

"Everybody assumes that she and Harry are together who would choose blundering, gawky Ron Weasley, after all? but she can't quite put into words how he's the one who causes her mouth to go dry with excitement, his name that feels like porcelain against her tongue, and when she thinks of him being in danger her heart leaps against her chest, leaving an empty place inside."~This one is quite a long sentence, but I love the way it flows like a thought that is in Hermione's head. You did such a stunning job of showing both of their thoughts as the feelings began to surface. :)

"They quarrel over things like lamps and chess moves and kiss away the irritation."~YES. Such a realistic portrayal of their relationship, and so very canon. I like the thought of them having little tiffs and things, even after the war. They're still the same old Ron and Hermione underneath all the grime and worry of the war, and that sentence proves it all quite succinctly.

Okay, I'm listening to "Here, There and Everywhere" right now and it is GOLD. I've never actually heard it before, but I can definitely see how it inspired you to write Romione.

Anyways, I have so much love for this story that I don't even know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll just go cry some more... Jenna! You've turned me into a basket-case!

Arrrgghh, you're such a fabulous writer and I need to read and review more of your stories very soon.

Thanks for letting me word-vomit all over your one-shot! :)

~Mallory

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Review #6, by UnluckyStar57Knight Takes Queen: Rook

2nd September 2014:
Ahhh! You ninja'd me in the Review Battle, so I'll just have to leave you a quick review before I go off to class. :)

I hate that I didn't read this sooner. As with Romeo in Ivory and House of Cards, your prose is flawless. But in this one, it seems even more poetic and simply astounding. You have such a knack for simile and metaphor, and if I had time to quote some good examples, I would probably be quoting the whole thing. It was so incredibly fabulous. :)

So, this is about Rowena Ravenclaw? Is this pre-Hogwarts or during the founding of the school? I'm guessing that it's before, because she thinks about how she's so bound by societal constraints--I really appreciated that line, because to me, Rowena defies all of those constraints (and Helga too, but we're talking about our own Founder for now). I love that her curiosity was pretty much reflected by the merman's--you gave some more spark and interest to merpeople, which is awesome. :D

Sorry for such a daffy review, but I've got to be off to class now! Hopefully I'll come back and review more later. :)

~For the September BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #7, by UnluckyStar57We Are One: It begins with pink

2nd September 2014:
Hello! :D

Wow, I am kicking myself for not reading this much earlier! As soon as I saw the chapter title, I knew that it would be about Umbridge and I was very intrigued. Umbridge is a toad, but who killed her? Some former student? One of the adults that she worked with in the Ministry? Who knows?!

I like that you introduced the villain in second person--now there is absolutely no way for me to figure out who it could possibly be! It gave quite a nice air of mystery to the chapter and set the story up really well. But why did Umbridge let her guard down? She was so careful about locking her office at Hogwarts--maybe the centaurs drove her insane so she forgot? Hmmm, I don't know. I'm no Sherlock. :)

I really like that Harry is not the Head Auror at this point in his career. This is obviously taking place during the nineteen year stretch between the end of DH and the epilogue, and if James is a little kid, then it's fairly early on. It's very realistic for Harry to be one of the good Aurors, but not quite in the Head position yet. :)

Really brilliant first chapter! Hopefully I'll be back to read more later on. :D

~For the September BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Mallory! (totally went and looked up your name.)

Hehe yes, I shamelessly got inspiration for the title from Sherlock ep1. Plus, Pink. :P I think everyone hates Umbridge that no one really feels sorry that she was killed off. :D

I luuurve second person. People have told me it's weird if I *don't* write in second person. :P and it fit the situation so I figured why not? And the point is to also bring a human aspect to the murderer and let the readers get a glimpse into what the murderer is thinking or feeling.

Ah, well, Voldemort is gone, and the threats nowadays seem comparatively less. Also, it's possible that she'd locked it a bit better but the murderer just found it easy to open due to high magical abilities. That's open to interpretation if you'd like it to be. ;)

But seriously, it's mostly because there's no major threat out there anymore and things are kind of peaceful now. Well, not anymore.

Yeah, I always found it weird how he just got promoted so quickly in a lot of stories. Even if he is Harry Potter, he still has to go through the levels that other aurors do, so.

Thank you for this amazing review! :)


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Review #8, by UnluckyStar57Crossing the Borderline: Albus: The Confrontations

31st August 2014:
Hey there! I'm back to review chapter four--a little bit faster this time, yay! :D

Okay, so having Albus's point of view after he made me so angry in the last chapter was pretty good. He isn't as overtly jerkish and horrible as he was in the last chapter, which made me happy. I guess it just took a PoV switch and some more character development, whoohoo! :D

Wow, Charlotte Ronan is basically the worst. Why would she write a whole newspaper article about how Albus and Aaliyah won't make it as a couple because of his "lack of experience" and her inability to learn from the past? That's just awful. I hate her for being so shallow and awful, but if that's the kind of articles that she writes about everyone, I can see why Al and Aaliyah decided to start fake-dating in the first place. It definitely takes a lot of pressure off the other kids who just want to live their lives without a school newspaper journalist trying to interfere.

One thing: When Albus was talking to Rose, he said that red-heads are good at arguing. Earlier, Rose was described as having brown hair. Just a continuity error, I think.

I'm glad that Al and Rose are friends though. It establishes an interesting dynamic, especially since she isn't too fond of his new girlfriend. Where will that go? Will Aaliyah and Rose end up reconciling their differences? It's too early to tell at this point, but I sure hope that Rose doesn't just hate Aaliyah for no reason. That would be kind of shallow of her.

Gabby and Al are friends, but Aaliyah was never friends with him. Did the two families hang around together a lot as children? How did Gabby get to know Al so well? And why is he always so removed and closed off from the general population? I guess it's good that the slightly-misogynistic side of him that I disliked so much in chapter three is probably just an act, but why did he choose to act that way? He's nice to Gabby; why does he have to be so rude to Aaliyah? And does he really like her, as he assures Gabby that he does? All the questions are being asked today, sorry! :)

Whoa, Scorpius. Whoa. Don't be that way. Ugh, he seems like he's kind of a womanizer/player type, what with his comment about Aaliyah as she walked away. I hope that, if he ever starts dating Rose, she'll put him back in line very quickly!

Al has to make a list about Aaliyah's finer attributes--obviously that's not going well for him. Does he know nothing at all about her, save for her physical appearance?! He'd better figure it out quite quickly. I know that everything is operating on a very superficial level at this point, so I hope that as the story progresses, he finds more things to like about her.

Uh oh... What is Fred's problem with Al's new girlfriend? It appears that he might have dated her before, but why is he still so bitter about it? Did he act like a jerk all the time? Whatever the reason for their break up might be, it appears that the Al/Aaliyah thing is going to cause some tension in the Wotter clan, what with Rose and Fred being weird about it. I'm interested to know where that will go!

Very good chapter! I am quite intrigued by the personalities of Rose, Scorpius, and Fred, and I can't wait to see how Al and Aaliyah's relationship progresses, especially when they're around their family members. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #9, by UnluckyStar57The Internal Monologue of Annett Sinclaire Kluge: The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

24th August 2014:
Hello! I'm finally here with your review! :D

Alright, so this is a very interesting beginning! I think that science and magic would be cool counterparts, and they don't interact nearly often enough. I think you've set up the science part really nicely, which will enable you to explore science as Annett goes to Hogwarts. I'm sure she'll do a lot of science experiments and observation when she gets there. :)

As for Annett herself, I think she's intriguing. She's really lucky to be the daughter of two people who allow her to explore her powers on her own, but she seems so very serious in this chapter, especially since she's just a child at this point. Well, I'm not saying that children can't be serious, but the part about her recording her interactions with her peers kind of made me sad. It seems like she's never had many friends, maybe because she's just so smart and isolated from the Muggle kids by her powers...? The university-level chemistry and biology thing was a bit shocking to me as well--I can't even fathom knowing those subjects on a high school level, but I can see that Annett is just the type to seek out this knowledge and learn it for herself. So while I haven't warmed to her yet, I can definitely tell that it's going to be cool to see what she gets up to at Hogwarts. Good job with creating an interesting and complex character who is so very young! She's unlike other ten and eleven-year-olds, but that makes her unique and memorable, definitely. :D

I was rather uncertain about Teddy Lupin, simply because the changing of his hair should be something that he can control when he's around Muggles. After all, he wouldn't want to give the parents heart attacks! But Annett was obviously intrigued, and I think her parents would have been okay if Teddy's hair changed in front of them. They're scientific and accepting of interesting things like that. Just as long as he can control it for people who might not be as willing to accept the idea of magic...

Question: Did Annett buy The Monster Book of Monsters for Care of Magical Creatures? I mean, did she buy it at all, or did she just look at it? The only problem that I have with her buying the book is that only third years and above are allowed to take Care of Magical Creatures--it's an elective. However, now that I think about it, I can see her buying it just so she can figure out how it works and what sorts of creatures there are in the magical world. Maybe you could include a statement about that, like whether or not she bought it to peruse for fun?

Although she's such a serious one, I think it's very realistic that you wrote her being afraid to leave her parents for the first time. That's an awesome thing to think about--older kids might be okay with it, even excited to get away from their parents, but an eleven-year-old who's never really left home before would be absolutely terrified. Still, I'm sure that she'll have lots of fun at Hogwarts. :)

I think you did a brilliant job on this chapter! I know that I mentioned a lot of things that I was uncertain about, but they're actually minor details that are super nitpicky. Your writing style is really different and cool. I can't wait to read more from you!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: UnluckyStar57,

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. :)

Annett is isolated because of her abilities. Her parents don't want to risk her abilities being witnessed by anyone to keep her safe. That being the case, they homeschool her. Homeschooling is what has allowed her educational advancement.

Haha. She did not buy the book, she was just almost bitten by one whose belonged to another student. I will see if I can for this explanation somewhere. Thank you.

Annett is an introvert. So her having fun depends on what she does and what she finds as opposed to who she meets. That's not to say that she doesn't meet people.

Thank you so much for all your compliments, too! :D

Cheers.


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Review #10, by UnluckyStar57L'optimisme: Silence

20th August 2014:
Hi! I'm so sorry that I've taken quite a while to write this review, but life always, always gets in the way. :P

I must add that I would have reviewed this sooner, but I wanted to read it twice just to make sure I was talking about the right things. Before I go any further, I will say that your prose is as good as ever, but this is a very tricky thing to write about, especially since so much fanfiction is so fluffy and unserious. You tackle the deep, dark, scary stuff, and I think you've done a brilliant job thus far. :)

The section about silence and words was wonderful. I could definitely see how the themes ran through the rest of the chapter, and you captured it all so brilliantly. The first person voice can become so dull, but you kept me interested with the content and the tone in which this was written. I can picture Dumbledore saying the words, as if he was telling a story to Grindelwald's broken body after their great showdown in the 1940s.

I did spot a typo at the very end, but it might be a stylistic thing: "For he and I, life was a single, long conversation from the moment we met." In this sentence, the "For he and I" doesn't really jive for me. If you take out "he," it reads "For I, life was...". You need to replace "I" with "me," and perhaps "he" with "him." So the sentence would be "For him and me...". Trust me, it's grammatically sound, although it might not seem so. :)

One overall suggestion that I'm going to offer you is that you watch your commas. I personally like the way your prose breathes--the commas are like inhales and exhales, which is particularly beautiful. But it sometimes became a little too much, and occasionally I had a bit of trouble following the main idea of the sentence.

Ooh, but that lazy August morning scene is beautiful. You've got me shipping Albus/Gellert already, and that's mean of you because I know how this ends (in sadness). I love the imagery of the birds outside the window and the continental summer, and how maybe the scene is tainted with the rosy retrospective with which we look back on the past. Albus really loved Gellert, didn't he?

I like how, although the scene mostly sticks to itself, the few mentions of the future really color the action. What "papers" are telling of Gellert's new flames? Newspapers? Did he take companions and dump them on his rise to power?

Oh dear. "We never talked much in the mornings; the silence was lovely then, but now I cannot help but wonder if there was only silence because neither of us knew what to say, or if it was because we knew everything there was to be said." This is so lovely and so true (just like everything else you write). It establishes the uncertainty of youthful passion and the fallible certainty of youthful arrogance. Forever isn't real for them, but had they spoken more, they might have had a little longer.

"It all started with a crescendo." Brilliant musical imagery there. I pictured an orchestra, poised to begin, and at the first note, they do something of a sforzando before the real tension begins. (Sorry, musical terms are what I live for when I'm being a music major.) It was rather brilliant of you, and it set the tone for the nasty, raging minor key riffs that were to come.

"...Aberforth, my spell missing him by mere inches, attacked me in return, believing on your side." Did you mean to put "believing me to be on your side" there? I felt like there were a few words missing.

YES. More musical imagery. Lovely, and so, so terrible. I imagined a crash of cymbals just before the silence. Did you listen to an orchestral work as you wrote this?

You captured Albus's feelings perfectly. It was a bit melodramatic, but he acknowledged his melodrama and apologized for what he was about to do. I don't think he sounded too whiny at all. It's all a part of reminiscing about the past--you have to look back on it and see all of the mistakes and the regrets, and it can all pile up on one's soul. Whatever he's about to do, his memories must have some relevance. I'm interested to see what will happen. Is he on his way to fight Gellert? That will certainly be an interesting scene.

Brilliant beginning! Hopefully the next review I give you won't be so very tardy. :D

~Mallory

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Review #11, by UnluckyStar57Claw: An Owl, a Hat and a Train

19th August 2014:
Hi!

Hmm, this is an interesting first chapter! Rose is a first year, but she seems fairly mature for her age and she knows a lot about Hogwarts already--one of the perks of having lots of relatives who attended school before her. :) I find it very intriguing that she is friends with Scorpius Malfoy before she even starts school--how did that relationship come about? I'm very curious to know. :)

Ugh, Rita Skeeter shouldn't even reproduce. Or is Saffire her niece? Either way, she's sort of detestable and I dislike her already. Like, who names their kid "Saffire?" Someone who obviously likes semiprecious gemstones... Blergh. Good job on making Saffire appear with a bang and a roar. I'm sure that she'll be causing problems with Rose later on.

Oh wow, Rose isn't a Gryffindor? You almost had me fooled, and that was pretty clever! She imagined the Hat saying "Gryffindor," but alas! Now she is separated from her two best friends and she's going to have to learn how to cope with that. Hopefully Saffire isn't in Ravenclaw...

There were lots of little humorous things that happened in this chapter, such as Scorpius and Dom standing on the platform and Rose thinking that they were really tall. It made me giggle. :)

Brilliant first chapter, especially since this is your first fanfic! Wow! I hope to come back and read some more one day. :D

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response:
Hello!

Thanks for the in-depth review! I cracked up when I read the line on 'semi-precious gemstones'.

I haven't actually outlined her friendship with Scorpius Malfoy, (even though I probably should have), because later in the story, the way in which they met will play a key role when Rose starts analysing their friendship, and begins to question whether or not Scorpius's actions are beginning to reflect his father's.

Sorry for that long and convoluted sentence! Yeah, so basically, I'm going to bring it up later in the novel, because I forgot to in the first chapter, and then I had another idea.

I am so happy you laughed!

Thanks for ze review,
xx snufflesthedog


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Review #12, by UnluckyStar57Romeo In Ivory: Icarus in Mourning

15th August 2014:
Gah, I wanted to be the first reviewer for this, but Georgia beat me. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Your writing is so, so brilliant.

The first section was so perfect, so bleak, and so, so vivid. It's the kind of thing that I love about your writing-how you don't stop at describing the scene-you make me feel it. (If that makes ANY sense at all.) I love the way everything perfectly matches Teddy's mood without saying what he's feeling-the scenery does all the feeling for him. Instead, it is revealed that he comes like clockwork to visit the grave of his lover.

AND YOU MADE THE WIND DO THE THING. God. You always just... God. You make the wind do the thing, and then my feels start acting up. It reminds me of HoC when the wind does the thing all the time.

In case you're curious, this is what I mean: "The wind ghosted along the tops of stones, glowing white, picking at poppies and roses left in the ground, before rising and reaching to run through soft brown curls, as though welcoming a friend or a wayward child."

SEE?! YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE WIND DO THE THING. And I love that about your writing, and I LOVE that you put it in this one-shot. :)

Ugh, I love how all the flowers wilt and die to show the passing of time. So gruesome and so beautiful, in a zombie kind of way. They're like tiny corpses, like the corpse Teddy will become.

WHY is Hugo away? Why won't he visit his sister? I'm curious about this, and I like that you've got the Fates looking in on the graveyard. Those three ladies are truly where life and death meet-it's only a scissor-clip away from ending. Ugh, and I love how Ron and Hermione left roses (stereotypical) and Teddy left daffodils and all sorts of different flowers-which, to me, means that he knew a different side of her than her family knew.

Ooh, and Teddy's definitely going through a lot of change during this time. Why is he feeling guilty? What cripples him so much that he has to sit and drown in his sorrows at her graveside?

Also, let me ponder about this romance that was never meant to be. She died. Why? They were in love. How? When? He seemed to have loved her deeply, and he's obviously having trouble moving on. Were they together when she died? It's all these mysteries that weave in and out of my mind as I read, and I LOVE IT. Thank you so much for writing romance without fluffy happiness. For some reason, that's just not my favorite thing. This sort of angsty, graveside, symbolic sadness, aww yiss. :)

Oh man, I love how the youngest Fate is so invested in Teddy's life, and the others are just like, "You gon' learn, child." (Except more elegantly, because they're Greek.) :) She just wishes for his happiness, she wants him to move on from pining after his dead lover and be happy with Vic. But the other two know better, and she's going to learn later on that sometimes there are no happy endings.

AND HIS LITTLE GIRL WILL BE NAMED AFTER HER. That's so sweet, but I'm curious to know what Vic thinks of that. Did Vic know of his romance with Rose? If so, is she okay with the fact that he keeps visiting Rose's grave every week? Potential trouble...

Uh oh, but the older Fate is so cynical and biting with her "Foolishness. Nothing lasts. It is merely an illusion." line. I loved that. So cynical, but so honest.

And the middle Fate senses a change? Has Teddy Lupin done the impossible and *gasp* gone against the three Madams who govern human life? I saw in the summary that you referenced Icarus-love that, by the way-and it seems that Teddy is about to soar and maybe plummet to his death when he gets too close being happy? Ugh, poor guy, but I love the way I can see parallels to Icarus in this (even if I'm just making up the connections).

No, no why didn't he come what's wrong what's going on? Why is he falling out of love with everything? Is it the Fates getting back at him for daring to defy them? Why?

Yes... "He brought it upon himself." Some people just weren't meant to be happy, and that's so sad, but so true. Ugh. Argggh. Rawr... (Sorry, that was me moaning incoherently about how unfair life is sometimes.) But what's going on? Why is he turning into a skeleton? Or is that even what he's becoming? Gah, why does he have to be so sad?!

AH NO THE THIRD TO LAST SECTION KILLED ME. "Life, it seemed, had given up on him. Now, it was only a matter of time until she abandoned her child completely and handed him over to Hades." STOP I'M DYING OF SADNESS. Arggh. Teddy Lupin has died, and all that's left is a skeleton. BUT WHY. WHAT DID HE DO THAT WAS SO AWFUL? WHY IS LIFE BEING SO MEAN? I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HELP. And he put stupid roses on her grave, just like her family did, just like probably every other person who visited her grave did, and that is just not. Okay. At. All. I feel like he's just completely forgotten himself and how he used to be and how his life was when he had her. Sure, Vic was a good substitute, but she wasn't ROSE. And something about Rose made Teddy love her so much that now he's completely wasting away, and Fate won't even allow him to be happy.

Potent roses, then. Tragic, desperate love. That makes me think that no one knew about their romance, and so it was all the more important to him because of that. Bless the youngest Fate for picking up the roses and winding them in the bower. Maybe they'll bloom instead of shrivelling and dying.

Ugh, and now he's dead, too. Oh my gosh, I'm crying so much. This is awful. This is wonderful. I don't know what to feel. And time just keeps going, it doesn't stop for things like love. :(

I wish I had more space to gush about how amazing this is, how amazing you are, and how I can't even believe that you wrote this for me. I love it so much, and it came at a perfect time-I read it, and the struggles of today went away. So THANK YOU for being so wonderful. I should write you a story. :)

~Mallory

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Review #13, by UnluckyStar57Detox: Yes

15th August 2014:
Hi there!

So, this started out as another action-packed chapter, but it settled down at the ending, all winding up to the big finish--who knew that Draco and Astoria could be so fluffily, deliriously happy? :D But it would seem that happiness has indeed won the day, and peace reigns again--for now.

Okay, so as if AVERY weren't enough, MULCIBER comes in to wreak havoc... BUT THEN THE PLOT TWIST!! I didn't see that one coming, let me tell you! The battle between the Aurors and the neo-Death Eaters was pretty frightening and fantastic--I think it's really realistic that Astoria wouldn't have known who was friend and who was foe. It was in the midst of a battle in which the good guys were dressed as bad guys! I would be confused, I know.

Oh dear... Ron's little confrontation with Draco made me cringe. It's totally realistic for him to act that way, but I sure do hope that he mellows out with age. You know, during that part, I couldn't tell if the harsh depiction of Ron was due to the fact that Draco has a vendetta against him or if you, O Author, have some sort of grudge against everyone's favorite redhead. :P It was probably a rather accurate depiction of him, though, considering that he was talking to Draco, but this story is from Draco's point of view--we can't totally trust him to be honest about Ron, can we?

But Harry was chill. I admired him for telling Ron to stand down. And the fact that he masqueraded as Zabini was another plot twist that I didn't see coming. :)

One question: Who contacted the Aurors? That might have been mentioned in an earlier chapter, but I think I missed it. Was it Draco? Narcissa? The Greengrasses?

At any rate, Gamp goes to prison, yay! I hope Daphne sees sense and dumps him. Even though she's sort of dumb and vapid, she doesn't deserve a husband who doesn't love her. Nobody deserves that.

Cue the "aw"s as Draco chats with his future father-in-law. The scene was quite realistic! You seem to have a certain knack for realism--I like it! The part about Draco asking Mr. Greengrass to call him by his first name was very interesting and I liked the bit of pureblood etiquette that was thrown in--did you get that from pureblood wizard canon, or did you take it from Muggle society traditions? And I appreciate the fact that, even though Draco asked to be called by his first name and shows immense respect for Mr. Greengrass, he isn't going to allow himself to be cheated just so that he can potentially marry Astoria. He's got potions skills, after all, and he deserves to be salaried thusly. :P Also, he gets to escape from the cold-hearted research lab of Madame Blishwick, hooray! :D This is a very good career move for him, indeed!

Cue more "aw"s as Astoria and Draco start being all cute. Srsly. They are definitely going to become the pureblood couple that shares love and also the responsibility of running an empire together. As such, they're going to be cute when they're alone and totally domineering in public. And Astoria isn't going to let him push her around--ever. I like that! Drastoria for the win! Basically, you've written this last scene with the specific purpose of showing how adorable they are, and now I want to go read more Drastoria fics. Thanks. :P But in the end, Astoria helped Draco become better than he was at the beginning of this whole mess, and they are such an awesome couple. You couldn't have written a better ending for them. :)

Great job, all around! Only one more chapter left for me to read, and it's the epilogue! I am incredibly interested to read about the scene from Draco's point of view--I'm sure it will be very enlightening. :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Only one more to go? Doesn’t seem at all possible! Actually, I guess if I think about it, it is possible. You were one of the earliest reviewers for this story and definitely one of the most loyal. You have my undying gratitude!

I really enjoyed unleashing both the idea of Mulciber and that little plot twist on the world. I wanted things to seem about as bad as they could possibly get before heading into the big finale. It seems like the sense of confusion and mayhem I was trying to create from Astoria’s PoV worked well, too. All around, I’m pleased with how things seemed to play out for you.

Part of me feels badly about how unkind I’ve been to Ron in this story. I definitely owe him a good one-shot or something. I don’t have anything against him, but you recall his prior confrontation with Draco. I also needed some way to introduce Harry’s role in the capture of Avery and the other conspirators. And, no, you can’t ever trust Draco’s PoV where Ron is concerned.

Harry’s masquerade actually ties directly into a small subplot of Conspiracy of Blood. I enjoyed coming up with that one. To answer your question, the Aurors learned about Gamp’s conspiracy when they were trying to track down Avery. They’d been communicating with Avery in the guise of Mulciber for some time. When Avery told “Mulciber” about a counter-revolution brewing among recent Hogwarts grads, Harry and Ron put two and two together. They went after Zabini first because they saw him as a soft target who would likely sell out the others to save his own skin. Zabini’s mother was tipped off by a former flame inside the Ministry, however, and she slipped her son out of the country. Instead of seeing it as a setback, the Aurors decided to take advantage of the situation by impersonating Zabini and using him to infiltrate the conspiracy.

Gamp will be going to prison for the rest of his life. Essentially, that amounts to a divorce. Daphne doesn’t completely abandon him because pureblood ladies don’t do that sort of thing, but she doesn’t have to stay with him, either.

The scene with Draco and Mr. Greengrass was challenging to write, but I really enjoyed it. It was fun to try to think through all of the little intricacies of how a couple of aristocratic purebloods would interact. I don’t think there is any canon on the topic, so I borrowed a few bits from here and there and I made up the rest. You’re correct, even putting aside the fact that it advances his relationship with Astoria, this is a tremendous step up, career-wise.

Draco and Astoria have great things ahead of them. I was definitely tempted to instantly have them jumping each other like a pair of hyenas in heat, but this felt a lot more natural. You know, I haven’t found any other Draco/Astoria fics with this sort of dynamic. Then again, I haven’t looked too hard.

Gah, one more chapter! I’m excited and a little sad. I see you just posted in your review thread, so let’s go request. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


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Review #14, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Let Us Break A Few Heads

14th August 2014:
Rakes really IS a troll. Grrr.

I think it's awful that he just had to do all of those things to Fitz: have an affair with Mariah, hex him on the pitch and keep quiet about it, and et cetera--and THEN he had to go and rub it all in Fitz's face. Fitz had every right to be angry, but their brawl could have caused a stir in the League if it weren't covered up so quickly!

Ron is AWESOME in this chapter. He seems to have gained a bit more sense than he had in his Hogwarts years (growing up does that to people, I've heard), but it's so nice to see his loyalty to the Chudley Cannons is still intact. And major props to him for not identifying Fitz for the records. :)

And Molly comes to Fitz's rescue again! I love that she is the one who keeps him in line most of the time--they balance each other out perfectly. And despite all of their awkwardness after Fitz's dramatics in the previous chapters, they are still willing to have a professional relationship as coach and captain.

Rakes really ought to pay for what he did. It's good that Mariah didn't know about the hexing thing, though. That would just give me another reason to despise her...

Ouch. The match sounded positively brutal. I know that I wouldn't want to be a professional Quidditch player if I had to go through that sort of roughhousing on a regular basis! But I'm glad they won--that gives the Prides a victory in the midst of their attempts to regain a good reputation as players, and it gives Fitz a bit of a victory over the insidious Rakes as well. :)

One question: When Fitz kissed Molly, did she get blood on her lips? (His lip was cut, right?) Or... I guess the blood had dried by then. But seriously, Fitz. That had to hurt, at least a little. He obviously doesn't care about slight pain if it means he gets to kiss Molly. ;)

Great chapter, as always! I hope they find a way to convict Rakes of his crime and get him out of the League.

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #15, by UnluckyStar57The Letters to No One: a girl can dream;

14th August 2014:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I'm glad that I picked this one-shot to review for you, because I love writing letters. There's something so inherently romantic about it, something hearkening back to bygone times. So when I read about Draco writing letters with only his return address, letters about how he felt so alone and wanted company, I fell for it. YOU TRICKED ME!!!

Honestly, my thoughts about Astoria went from "oh yeah, she's pretty awesome, I totally sympathize with her because she is drawn to letters like I am" to "oh my gosh, why is she so awful?!" I love the way you've presented the layers of Astoria Greengrass's personality--from a seemingly wide-eyed post office clerk to a scheming and devious woman who is willing to choreograph an affair behind her sister's best friend's (dead) back. (Sorry, that was a super long description.)

Anyway. When she met Draco face-to-face and they starting going on dates and such, I believed that things could only end well. But then Narcissa brought up the whole issue of Pansy being Draco's WIFE, and when Astoria kept up the shenanigans, I was a little concerned. Her thoughts about fitting into Narcissa's dresses also unnerved me--clearly she's halfway to psychopathic if she's thinking about inheriting dresses from a woman who isn't even dead yet.

And then Astoria finds the body. And she's OKAY WITH IT. And so she accepts his proposal with all of her scheming and deviousness attached. She's got information on him, and she knows that he's capable of cheating. I'm sure that she's going to make sure that he never cheats on her the way he cheated on Pansy.

Or did he cheat? Because Pansy is obviously not very mobile, and who knows how long she's been there, rotting? Or perhaps she's only just snuffed it--and that's why he proposed.

Oh my gosh, I can't even express how much I'm in love with this one-shot. It's so creepy--and the fact that there are so many twists and chilling revelations only makes it better. You've written a story that, at first glance, looks like a romance. But underneath... Oh no. There's more going on than just love. (Such as obsession and blackmail and utter scandalousness.)

And I got to be the first reviewer! :D

Please write more about this pair of creeps soon. I want to find out how their relationship will affect poor little Scorpius! >:D

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hi friend! Thank you for christening my new baby! Haha.

Right?! Who wouldn't fall for it? I mean, it's a bit weird, but they were just so romantic. How could Astoria resist?

Yeah, Astoria was meant to kind of evolve and show her true colors as the story went on. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile, as they say. All she needed was an opportunity. She's already planning out her future and executing her schemes, and she's basically blind to whatever is happening right in front of her. If Draco ever did cheat on her, I imagine she would be the kind of wife to wrap it all up with a bow, quietly dispose of the other woman, and pretend like everything was just fabulous.

And the weird part is that my head canon of Astoria isn't even like that. She's kind and down to earth and makes Draco better as an adult after all that he went through as a kid. I don't know where this psychopathic version came from! Haha. But she is fun.

I kind of leave it to the reader to think about how long Pansy's been dead. (The longer, the creepier, right?) But yeah, Draco in a moment of weakness (and likely some serious mental illness) fits just fine into Astoria's plans. It's all about the image and control and making /her/ dreams come true. She's a predator, and she struck.

I'm so glad you appreciate all of the layers in this story! I think "a pair of creeps" is just about the perfect way to describe Draco and Astoria in this story. They definitely deserve each other, in a sad, twisted way. Not sure if I'll go beyond this point with another story, but never say never, right?

Thanks so much for your fab review :)

-Amanda


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Review #16, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Strength of Will

13th August 2014:
I'm back to review another chapter! :D

Wow, Fitz is being super dramatic about the situation with Molly. Threatening his best friend? Max out to make him pay his tab for that. But I guess that he knows that Fitz is completely and totally stuck in his own head and needs to work himself out. Still, that was pretty confrontational!

You know, I have trouble thinking about writing male characters because I've seen so many stories where they seem too much like they were written by girls, and so they behave more like girls. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I like to see stories in which male characters are portrayed just as accurately as girls are by a female author. And vice versa, of course. I think that you've done a fantastic job of this--especially when it comes to Fitz. He's a very masculine character, but he's also incredibly emotional. And yet, his emotions are not out-of-character. They burn like his anger, and if he eventually cries about something, I know it's going to be a HUGE thing. Not something like losing a match or being cold-shouldered by Molly. So thank you for writing such a true-to-life character! :)

Beathan would totally be a neo-Romantic poet if she weren't a Quidditch player, just sayin'. She's so in awe of the gardens that it makes me laugh. She reminds me a lot of my mother, actually. Hahaha. :D

Molly's hair!! Dreadlocks sound like just as edgy of a hairstyle as a mohawk, but Jinks seems to think that the mohawk was better. I think he should definitely grow one, and maybe the others could cut their hair in funky shapes, too. The Prides would certainly make a splash that way! ;D But I like the change. I think that it was time for a change, and if it got Fitz to daydream about it a little bit, then I am totally okay with that. :)

Ooooh, Mariah! I really don't like her at all. Of COURSE she tattled on Fitz and Molly just because she wants to jump into the sack with a few of the team members. She's acting out of jealousy here--jealousy that Fitz and Molly had a romance behind McCormack's back--and that's never a good motive for acting on something. The revelation about her father being a rabbi comes as quite a shock! I guess that what they say about preacher's kids is true, after all...

AHAH! So this Rakes fellow is the one that Mariah cheated on Fitz with, the last straw before Fitz divorced her. He seems pretty raunchy right from the start, and I've barely seen him in action yet! I think he'll be one to watch.

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #17, by UnluckyStar57Shades of Red: Auburn

11th August 2014:
Aww, this was equal parts cute and serious. Strange combination, but I like it!

I say that it was cute because of Ginny's love for her baby and her interaction with Harry. They make such a nice couple. :) He seems to have gained more confidence and know-how as an Auror, and his reassurances to Ginny were not out-of-place or condescending. (Which is good, because condescending!characters are not very nice.) I like that they are talking about the future together, being realistic about what Ginny can and can't do, and yet still coming up with a good compromise. Ginny will not hate her baby, I'm sure. I think he'll grow up to be a mama's boy. :)

I say that it was serious because Ginny is obviously worried about the future. She agreed to give up playing Quidditch, but she knows that she isn't exactly like her mother, she can't just sit at home and tend to seven children all day. She wants to do things, to see people and places, to be the firecracker!Ginny that we all know and love. Just because she's temporarily out of commission, doesn't mean she's forever resigned to stay at home. And the part about hating the baby was serious, too. It's a conflict of interest to hate your own child, but it happens sometimes, to awful effect. I think that it's very realistic of her to worry about that.

Great one-shot! I'm interested to see what Ron's defining moment is. (Especially since I thought that this one was about Ginny meeting Aragog because of the title.) :)

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #18, by UnluckyStar57Starfall: Prologue

11th August 2014:
Hi Isobel! :D

Ooh, there's my name in the Author's Note! I'm so glad that I could help you out with this. :)

Okay, so this. Is. AMAZING. It's an AU, but I think it's definitely going along the lines of "what might have happened if the Boy-Who-Lived had to die." Instead of being overwhelmed by the "good side," Voldemort and the Death Eaters are getting stronger and have taken the fate of the Wizarding World into their own hands. It's very frightening to think about, really.

Lily was OOC, but that's because it's an AU! I think that it makes sense for her to change a little bit, especially if it's been a year since the Happening in Godric's Hollow. What I'm wondering right now is: What made her change so much? She was so willing to protect her child, to give her life in exchange for his, and now it's the completely opposite case. Perhaps she fell in love with living and decided that it was better just to submit to the Dark Side? And you did mention that this was a Snily... To what extent is it a Snily? Is Lily perhaps... MARRIED TO SNAPE?!?! Is James Potter... DEAD? Oh my gosh, I just thought of these things and now I'm freaking out. I MUST know what happens next! (I'm sure that the answer to all of my questions is "no," but now that I've thought of these things, I can't stop.) So PLEASE update as soon as the queue reopens!

The thing I liked about Lily was that, even though she's sacrificing her son to save her own life, she's defiant about it. That's definitely an attribute of canon!Lily's personality--she is being forced to obey a more sinister power, but she isn't happy about it. And she sacrificed Harry, but she so obviously didn't want to. It was a choice that she was forced to make, and she chose the more selfish option. How many humans can say that they would do the same exact thing? (Probably a lot of us. We have a tendency to be selfish.)

Despite--or maybe because of--its brevity, this prologue was captivating and informative. It gave just enough information to draw me in, and then LEFT ME HANGING. The Dark Lord's speech is perfect--very in canon and VERY Voldemortal. And I liked that he was looking into the minds of potential future traitors--I'm sure that there are probably more traitors than just those three, though.

BUT HE CAN'T KILL HARRY OH MY GOSH. What's going to happen now?! Is Harry REALLY dead? Please say he isn't! Who will save the Wizarding World?! Is it up to Neville now?! Oh no!!! I need to know all of these things!

Sorry, sorry. I'm being incoherent again. (This is usual.) In short, I really love the start of this in all of its dark and scary glory, and I can't wait for you to update!

Also, it was basically word-perfect. Grammar, spelling, syntax, everything. I am SO interested in the characters and what they've been doing since 31 October 1981.

Thanks for requesting a review! Feel free to request again because I'm dying to know what's going to happen! :D

~Mallory

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Review #19, by UnluckyStar57Crossing the Borderline: Aaliyah: The Reaction

10th August 2014:
Hi! It's been far too long! I'm glad to be back, reviewing your story again, especially since it has eight chapters now! Wow! :D

Okay, so the tension can only escalate from here. Albus is an awful person (more about that later), and Aaliyah's friends don't really like her choice in a boyfriend. But why do they get so angry about it? Hmmm...

Wow, so the first section about a sleepless night is one I can totally relate to right now, having just woken up from a sleepless night myself. :P I particularly liked this quote: "It feels right. And sometimes you need something to feel right to balance out all the things that go wrong." It was really interesting and actually much more mature than the Aaliyah that presented herself in the rest of the chapter. (I guess sleepless nights have a way of making people less mature.) :P

A question about the Albus/Aaliyah thing: Could they have planned out their interactions a little bit better? Maybe they might've held off on the declaration of their "lurve" for a week, and in the meantime they could've dropped hints about how cute they think each other are, and et cetera? Just a thought. I think it's really awful of Albus to just jump right in and do whatever when he knew that Aaliyah wasn't prepared for it.

But before I get into my rant about Albus: The roommates. Gemma and Naomi seem like the types of girls that I would never want to associate with. They got into a major fight just because of a boy!! I don't know, I think that they, being Ravenclaws, would've found ways to sabotage each other instead of catfighting. But maybe they didn't think of that before they let their emotions run wild. Ugh, they're insane. I don't like them at all! They should probably just forget about Luke and find other people to date, to be honest. :P

Hmmm, Seth. For all of Aaliyah's protests, I think that Seth might have a bit of a flame for her. But he's just too shy to say anything and now she's got a "boyfriend," uh oh! What's going to happen there? I was particularly intrigued by the shifting nature of Seth's physical features. Would it be safe to assume that he's at least a little bit of a metamorphmagus? :P

Okay, Albus rant now: I HATE ALBUS POTTER IN THIS CHAPTER. The whole sitting-down-in-the-midst-of-the-Ravenclaws thing was bad enough, but then he kept doing things that Aaliyah wasn't okay with. Gr. Why did he have to keep his plans a secret from her? Couldn't they have planned things out so that the events at breakfast were less... tense? And what were her friends doing while she and Albus had their little whisper-fight? Ugh, I just wish that he would be more considerate. And the "marking his property" thing made me REALLY MAD. NOBODY should be allowed to do that. But people in real life probably do, which is sad. So I'm glad that you've shown Albus in a less-than-pleasant light, because maybe he'll get a chance to redeem himself later. As long as he apologizes for being so chauvinistic first. :)

Arrggh, sorry for turning this review into a rant-fest. I just want to express how angry I am with Albus right now. I think it's important for you to know that you've managed to make me dislike Albus so much already, and I'm glad that he's not-so-nice (for now). It will give him more room for character growth. :D

The confrontation with her friends was honestly the only part that I felt was rushed. You spent a bit of time building up to it, and then they just instantly forgave Aaliyah. What I don't understand is why they were so worked up about it in the first place. Do they have something against Albus? Or are they just so close to Aaliyah that they feel left out of her life because she kept her "relationship" a secret? I can't really tell, but I would have liked to see a bit more tension after Annie said, "Guys, calm down. Let's just talk it out." Maybe a more gradual lightening of the mood? But anyway, Aaliyah has some pretty loyal and caring friends if they get worked up about her secret relationships. :)

A few grammar things:

"Either my decision making skills have gone straight down the toilet or I don't actually know the other option, but.. yeah."~I think that this sentence might be better without the "I don't actually know..." part. It seemed a bit out of place in the narrative. Perhaps just shorten it to "My decision-making skills have gone straight down the toilet." Just a suggestion, though!

""I DIDN'T STEAL HIM AWAY. HE LOVES ME!" I snort."~This makes it sound like Aaliyah is the one who said this particular bit of dialogue. Perhaps make "I snort" and the words that follow into a different paragraph?

"She is what you call the 'cute and sassy chic.'"~Is "chic" supposed to be "chick?" I wasn't quite sure.

"Not only is she smart but wise in a way."~I see what you mean in this sentence, but I think it could have been a little bit more clear. Perhaps reword it and give a qualifier? What makes her "wise" as opposed to just "smart?" Is she intelligent as well as good at reading people? Does she give good advice? That's what I would like to know. :)

Sorry for the length of this review. It's a bit unwieldy. :P

But anyways, here's what I like about this story/chapter: Aaliyah is realistic. She's just stuck in a situation that she can't really control right now, and I'm rooting for her in hopes that she'll take control. You've managed to make me hate some characters with just a few scenes. In my opinion, that is MUCH better than just feeling so-so about them. Maybe I'll be surprised in the next chapter! And of course, the writing style is great. I really enjoy reading these chapters! So keep doing what you're doing, and I'll see you next time you request a review! :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: I hate sleepless nights but then... I can wake up earlier if I get less sleep, idk why. I totally forgot about that quote. It's been some time since I went back over Chapter 3. I'm glad you like it though. Maybe it was the sleepless night(s) that makes her less mature? That or maybe it was because of a certain Potter's presence? Who knows? :P

They definitely could have planned it better, but... they didn't. The thing is not everyone gets everything right so that's the part they didn't get right. They didn't time it right. But as they grow, they'll learn. I guess I wanted to add in some aspects about being a teenager.

I wouldn't want to associate myself with Gemma and Naomi either but there are those girls in school that even if you don't know them too well, you want to stay away from them. Or maybe that's just me. They aren't going to make many appearances in the rest of the story but they do forget about Luke.

Seth... I don't really want to reveal too much. :P But let's just say he's coming up in the next few chapters. He is a metamorphmagus... when it comes to emotions. He isn't as controlled as Al.

I had a lot of fun reading your Albus rant. You HATE him? Well, he really isn't that likable, is he? But he does grow... a lot. He's the character who changes the most (positively) in the story. And maybe your hate for him will turn into love? :D

I do see why you would feel that part was rushed. When I have the time, I'll try and look back at it and maybe make it feel more well paced. And her friends care a lot about her so they weren't really angry at her... more hurt. Ellie just shows hurt as anger.

Thanks for catching those mistakes. I will definitely go back and fix them when the que opens again.

You are probably one of the only readers that outright hates someone with a passion at the moment and I love that. Feeling strong emotion toward a character is always better than nothing at all, as you said.

And now I have a new goal... I'm going to make you LOVE Al. Granted, it's going to take time but I totally going to make you like him. I'll show you how much of a SOFTIE he is. :P

Overall, I LOVE reading your reviews. I need to re-request more often. You give great and honest feedback that I love and thank you for that.

100/10 on this review! :D

~Sama


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Review #20, by UnluckyStar57Until the End: Together

9th August 2014:
Oh no... This was so lovely and sad and sort of happy at the same time. I'm not sure which emotion I should pick! D:

Fabian and Gideon Prewett are really rare in fanfiction, but I love the way you've written their relationship. It would seem that they are similar to Fred and George, but not completely similar, which is really really good. Who wants to read about carbon copies of Gred and Forge? Not me!

So I really appreciated the fact that Fabian was the serious twin, the one with a prefect's badge. Gideon gave him a lot of grief for it, but Fabian obviously valued keeping the peace--though when taunts were aimed at him about his sister, he wasn't going to stand by and let it happen. :)

The vignettes that you chose to write were perfect. I like how you showed them in each situation, and how their "together until the end" thing took on new meaning each time. Actually, could you just write a novel about them soon? I want more! And I seriously love your writing style in this. :D

The one thing that I'm not sure about is the babysitting of Fred and George. I don't know for sure, but weren't Fabian and Gideon...*sobs* dead by then? I don't know, maybe there's nothing in canon about it, so you can take creative license (you can do that anyway, of course). However, it was a really enjoyable scene to read and the story was better for having it in there. :)

The end. *cries harder* They tormented Molly for her whole life, no doubt, but they died with the same mindset that they had on the Quidditch pitch--"no one messes with our little sister and gets away with it." Arrghh, I love the Prewett twins.

Please write more about them. Please please please?

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #21, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Something Real

7th August 2014:
Poor Molly. :/

Despite his being not the quickest Snitch in the Quidditch chest, Hilarion spotted that something was wrong with Molly pretty quickly. I think that being with her family for a little while helped her out a lot, and even though she wanted to talked to Lucy, it was Percy who helped her the most. Who knew he had such great parenting skills?!

I love Percy in this story, just because he seems to have lost some of the pomp and circumstance that plagued him in his Hogwarts years. He is frank and honest with Molly, and he lets her cry on his shoulder. That's so beautiful. :') Also, I think he's been where Molly is right now--too busy being a leader to realize that it's okay to NOT be okay sometimes. You did such a masterful job of writing that scene. It was brilliant. :)

Molly's time to be "NOT okay" is now. It's an oddity for her to be late for Quidditch practice--whether five minutes or thirty--but she's trying to keep it all together. Fitz can't see that, perhaps because he's not good at telling emotions or perhaps because Molly is so good at keeping up a facade. :/

So I guess the junior league coaching thing is out for him, then. That makes sense--he was particularly rude to the team during practice in this chapter. Molly wanted to shout at him--I think he deserves a good chewing out. :P

And Molly's going to change her hair! From a mohawk to...What? I'll have to find out! :D

And maybe she'll start to be okay again. That would be good. :)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #22, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Colour-Coded and Perfect

7th August 2014:
...I forgot about this chapter.

Really, it must've been a dissociative thing, because I don't enjoy remembering all of the high drama and utter angstiness that happens. :/

It's very well-written, of course, and I KNOW that it all needed to happen, but WHY?!?! Why are you so excellent at pairing the very, very good with the soul-crushing, heart-wrenching bad and making me think that it's supposed to be this way?! *sob* Stop making me FEEL things, darn it!

So, since I forgot about this chapter, I thought that things were looking up for a longer period of time (for a change). And the first little bit of it was all happiness and gruff!Fitz and cohesive!Prides. It was great. Really, I loved seeing the team finally coming together after their devastation at the loss to Appleby. They're learning from their failure.

BUT MARIAH WALDMAN IS AN AWFUL PERSON. I'm sure that you get a lot of reviews that snark about her and her utter ridiculousness, and this review isn't going to break that tradition. Gr... She is so utterly awful, and it seems that her main mission in life is to stir up trouble for Fitz. She is jealous, lazy, ambitious in the worst sort of way, and positively conniving. In short, she's probably the embodiment of characteristics that people see in themselves (I know I do). As unfortunate as it is, I can understand why Mariah Waldman is so necessary to the plot of this story. But that doesn't mean that I like her. :P

And McCormack is just being dumb at this point. She's willing to believe MARIAH WALDMAN, who is FITZ'S EX-WIFE. Of course, the things that Mariah said were true, but why did McCormack have to go and get all angry about it before hearing Fitz's side? Why would she believe a player over a coach? Is she in cahoots with Mariah? Gr. Ugh, you know, at this point, I'm thinking that this story will end with Fitz taking a different coaching position (maybe in the junior league) just so that he can date Molly. But I don't really want that to happen. :/

AND THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND KILL MY FEELS. Because Fitz just HAS to go and tell Molly about McCormack's inanity, and then he tries to pull away from her when he doesn't even want to. And he thinks that she'll leave him later because he's just "someone for her to fix." Oh no. No no. Fitz is being so overdramatic in this chapter. He's got a terrible temper, yes, but can't he think rationally? Why don't he and Molly have a legitimate conversation for once, and sort things out?!

Your characters are giving me a headache. But in the best possible way. :)

I'm going to read on, just in case everything turns around again in the next chapter. (I hope it will!)

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #23, by UnluckyStar57Year Five: Dozens of Little Televisions (1991)

7th August 2014:
Hello!

I'm so sorry that it's been aaagggeeesss since you requested this review, but better late than never, I guess! :D

I'll just start by saying that I don't usually read this type of fic. I'm more of a Next Generation fan, and the fics in the Hogwarts era never really appealed to me.

BUT!!! This story is quite different! I really enjoyed having two perspectives--Sophie and Tristan--although I thought at first that Sophie was going to be one of the main characters. (I guess she won't be, since she's a Muggle and such.) And I know that Tristan is going to be connected to the Weasley twins in some way, but I can't even guess how right now. It's all a mystery. I like Tristan's character--he could stand to stop moping, but I think that it's part of who he is at this point--and I like the way you write! So I'm super glad that I've found yet another facet of fanfiction to enjoy. :)

Okay, so you asked me to check for any grammar mistakes/bad writing in general, and I must say that I found none of those things. The writing style flows very well, and the grammar was impeccable! No worries. :)

Characters: I liked Sophie. She seems to be a sort of lost soul, just trying to find a way to fit in or stand out, since her boyfriend dumped her. And the "dozens of little televisions" thing had me laughing. Perhaps her musings about whether or not Tristan's parents are drug addicts was not out of place--it never occurred to me that Muggles would think that if they didn't know that they were in the company of wizards. So I was sad to see that Arnold Peasegood went ahead and Obliviated her. I would have liked to see her in later chapters.

Tristan--he seems like he's a mess right now. He finally found a girl that wouldn't pry (of course, Sophie only wanted to get to know him because she was hurt by her breakup with Stuart), and he was so careful to hide the evidence of magic in his room. Perhaps she made him happy for once, only to be sucked out of his life again by fate. Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for not making him a super-hot, super-muscled manly man. My biggest complaint about Next Gen is that there are too many "pretty boys" acting as love interests, and Tristan is definitely not that type. He fits in with my idea of Hogwarts-era people really well--not beautiful to the point of being a god, but simply just an average human being. I like it!

And so he sank into sadness. Watching anyone get Obliviated is hard enough, but he took it extra hard, I think. Did he care for Sophie very much? I couldn't quite tell by his actions, but that seems to be the case. And of course, his parents aren't the overly pushy type, they're not going to pry. They'll just let him do what he needs to do. I wish there was some way they could reach out to him without being obnoxious, though, but I think that you've written this very realistically!

I like that his dad is a Muggle. It explained why he was so knowledgeable about "secret government projects" and Muggle technology. Of course, he's actually not a secret government researcher, but it made sense to Sophie and calmed her down. That was a really good scene. :)

My one complaint is that Arnie Peasegood was like "Boys will be boys" when he came to Obliviate Sophie. I'm not so much a fan of that statement or the implications of it, but it definitely makes sense. It paints Arnie as the type of character who is willing to excuse messes as long as they can be easily cleaned up, and that's realistic. But it doesn't mean that I'm Arnie's biggest fan. If he appears again, I'll probably hate on him just a bit, if that's okay with you. :)

Please don't let my tardiness in reviewing this chapter deter you from requesting reviews from me again! It's been quite a busy summer, but I'm glad that I finally found time to read and review this. :D

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Oh yay! Thank you so much for leaving a review--no worries about the wait!

Yeah, I didn't really realize that this was a very different kind of story. I wrote "Year Five" first, and then found HPFF when I was looking into places to put it--and I'd never read fanfiction before (wow, so much talent on this site!) So yes, the story was conceived outside of HPFF fandoms.

I'm glad you liked Sophie! She is, as you noted, kind of a throw-away character--more of a narrative device to introduce the story. That said, I did want her to be realistic and sympathetic, so I'm really glad that came off!

And YES--I wanted all of the characters in this story to be realistic looking teenagers. That said--I find something weirdly attractive about the actor who I chose as Tristan' faceclaim (*weirdly* attractive, though. Not traditionally handsome :p )

And AH! Yeah, the idea of the girl who someone justhadtheirfirsttimewith(!) getting obliviated was SUCH a sad idea to me. I really wanted this story to examine the way that the wizarding world be also be cruel in novel ways (outside of just like, blood purity stuff).

Everything you feel about Tristan, his parents, all that--I'm actually really glad you said what you did, because all these characters are going places.

And oh yes, we are supposed to despise Arnie a little here. He's definitely not *evil*, or anything, but you'll see that this story takes a rather different approach to the Statute of Secrecy ;)

I will definitely re-request! Take all the time you need!

And thank you so much for your review! It's really helpful for me to see the perspective of someone who wouldn't usually read this kind of fic (I recognize it wouldn't be to everyone's tastes).

Thanks again!
-Roisin




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Review #24, by UnluckyStar57The New Pride of Portree: Stamp of Approval

6th August 2014:
So the repercussions of the bar brawl aren't too terrible, then. That's good! But the team is still taking the loss a bit hard, considering that they're a fairly new line-up and they've only won one game out of four. There is still disagreement amongst them, as evidenced by Zara accusing Jinks of losing the match for them. I can only hope that the highlights that Fitz shows them will make them think about what they need to improve!

Ooh, random thought--how do these training reels come about? Is there a magical film industry in the Next Generation world? Or do they just have a quick-clicking camera that takes a bunch of pictures and animates them? Or did the wizards finally wise up and start using Muggle technology? *smirks* I'm kind of curious about this now! :D

Like the good, ale-quaffing Quidditch players they are, the team is only too happy to accept Molly's invitation for drinks. Adding Lucy in their midst is just hilarious--but she doesn't think so, of course! Her differences from Molly are really emphasized in this chapter, and it's nice to see them compared side-by-side. So many fics write Molly and Lucy as carbon copies of Percy, and it's quite obvious that neither of his daughters are exactly like him in this fic. :)

D'awww, Lucy is being so obvious around Fitz. She may be able to keep a secret, but she can't resist a comment or two. :) And Fitz was being quite adorable himself, alerting Molly to her firewhiskey shortage so that the team wouldn't see her meticulously-arranged bottles.

Hmmm, in the bar on a Sunday? What are their livers made of, steel?! What I'm curious about is the reason why Molly and Fitz went to the bar when they were going to have to wake up early the next morning. Rough weekend? I'm not sure...

But I'm not complaining, because it led to more fantastic awkwardness and sexual tension between them. That's the best part! :D No, just kidding--while it is one of the best parts, it's not the only thing that drives the story. But in the past few chapters, there have been a lot of those little moments...

And of course, Fitz finally realizes that what he's feeling for Molly might be just a wee bit more than physical attraction. Uh oh. I'm sure that if there were no relationship bans, they would be together and already sick of each other by now, but that is entirely not the case here. The Great Romance Crockpot is slowly starting to simmer, and I'm waiting for it to boil over! :D

(Sorry, I like weird metaphors/comparisons...)

Anyways, there were lots of interesting interactions in this chapter, and I enjoyed it immensely!

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #25, by UnluckyStar57Actions Speak Louder than Words: Blown Away: Scorpius POV

6th August 2014:
... Holy cow. This is a LOADED chapter!

I'm back to review your story once more! I'm loving the Scorpius PoV so far--very insightful as far as certain events go! But what could've happened in the time that he was away with Mason? What changed? Who attacked his parents? (Is it the same person who kidnapped Rose?)

I love how different Rose and Scorpius's thoughts are. You did a wonderful job making a distinction between the two, and I can definitely tell that this is Scorpius and not "Rose 2.0." It's funny how she thought that the Ravenclaw t-shirt was his, but he knew that it was hers and thought that she believed him to be creepy/weird for holding on to it for so long. :)

Did I catch another secret that's being kept from me in the second paragraph?! Scorpius starts to think about a similar situation to the one that he was in with Rose when Albus barged in, and then decides that he shouldn't think about it. I want to know what it is!!!

The flashback was great--I could sense Scorpius's tension with his parents as far as Muggle things and the Potters go. It makes me really sad that he didn't have a chance to make up with them before they died. I bet he regrets that every day. :/

And I think that every single person has felt like Mason at some point in our lives. We just want to fit in! But unfortunately, we end up being more annoying than anything. I'm very in awe of the fact that you wrote in a side character who is so relatable in such a short amount of time. :)

This keeps getting better and better! I must make more of an effort to read and review more than once per month! :)

~For the August BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hi!

Oooo - thank you so much for this awesome review!!

I can't say just yet about Scorpius's parents. The next chapter has a little bit of information on that.

Sooo glad (and relieved) that you approve of Scorpius's POV. That is probably the thing I am most worried about. I really wanted to give him his own voice but, alas, I am not a twenty year old male wizard who lost his parents as a teenager - haha!

He does regret it every day. It haunts him, really. He will carry that guilt for a while.

The secret hinted in the second paragraph is revealed in the next chapter. :) The rest of Scorpius's flashback answers a lot of questions.

Haha- yeah Mason. I totally know what you mean. He is so desperate for friends, but just annoys Scorpius to no end - although Scorpius is really annoyed with his parents.

Thank you so much - this review was simply wonderful!

Beth


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