Reading Reviews From Member: UnluckyStar57
805 Reviews Found

Review #1, by UnluckyStar57Isabella: Thirteen Candles

13th May 2015:
Hello Kaitlin! I'm finally here for our swap (thanks so much for your review!). I would've been more prompt about it, but I had to take a road trip with my father. :P

Omg, you are KILLING ME with this imagery thing you've got going on. It's AMAZING. I love how the tone of this story is so... I don't know, earthy? There's something very down-to-earth about the narration, while having this incredible poetic nature. I can't quite describe it, but I love how you wrote it.

The first person, present tense style really adds to it, I think. Putting things in present tense always makes them seem more immediate, and so this is a really great start to the story. While reading the chapter, I could picture the heavy clouds and the breeze blowing through the tall grass. I could see the cows grazing and I could smell the mole (almost). I mean, that's just really cool, man.

It's really amazing that you wrote this for the Diversity Challenge. There really aren't many stories that explore other Wizarding communities in general, and setting a story in Oaxaca allows you to mix what you know about JK's world with the culture-both ancient and modern-in Mexico. I can only imagine the possibilities! Will the wizards there use Latin spells, since Spanish is a romance language? Perhaps they'll have a mixture of European magic and magic derived from the ancient indigenous peoples in the region? That would be super cool, and I really can't wait to see what you come up with!

So it looks like the wizards in Mexico start their kids at magic school at age thirteen. Or maybe Isabella just hasn't shown any magical abilities until that age? But that disregards the old lady at the end of the road, so I'm going with my first instinct. Why do they start them two years later? Do they go for seven years? What is the school system like? I really should just wait for the next chapters to explain this to me, but this is just what I'm thinking about right now.

Oooh, before I ramble on about something else, I have to quote some of my favorites from this chapter:

I am caught in a sea of grass. In any direction that I look, all I can see is the waves of wind rippling across the tender green stalks which have grown tall from the late summer rain. ~Yes. THIS is how you start a story. I will never not love these opening lines.

Carefully, I slip my right foot into the stirrup and pull myself up onto his back. Just as I do so, the wind gusts and my skirt goes flying up all around me, a rainbow of colors, woven by my mother. ~Dang, I was lost in the loveliness of that image. It's so simple, but this moment was just electrifying to me. I love the dichotomy of simplicity and complexity that you've got going on. I can't say that enough, really.

If you were to ask everyone in town for their family’s recipe, you would notice that everyone does it differently. Personally, I think my mother makes it the best out of all of them, but I may be slightly biased. ~You did such a great job of weaving in the dynamics of family in such a short space in this chapter. It really gives me a good sense of how things might go with Isabella's family when they find out that she's magic.

Of course, I can't not mention the food. I really like it when you talk about food because you obviously know what you're talking about. Have you ever read Like Water for Chocolate? This chapter reminds me a little of it, talking about the mole and the mixing of the ingredients. If you haven't read it, I think you would enjoy it! Anyway, I love the attention to detail in Isabella's mama's mole-making process.

Ooh, the mysterious woman makes a Hagrid-esque appearance! I wonder why this had to happen late at night...

I can't wait to read more!!


 Report Review

Review #2, by UnluckyStar57Meals With Muggles : Burgers And Chips

12th May 2015:
Hi hi hi!!!

Wow, this has so many reviews already! It's incredible what Dudlietta will do to people's shipping sensibilities. :D

First of all, thank you thank you THANK YOU for writing this! It's seriously so great, and asdrfjlaksjdfokj, I don't even know what to say. It was all so perfect.

I love the way you used your experience as a chef to color the narrative. I really want that croissant now because the imagery you used to describe it was so vivid and wonderful. It's a croissant of the imagination, a perfect feast for the figurative senses. Actually, I'm calling it--this description of the croissant is my favorite description of food in all of fanfiction. I'll probably remember it forever. :)

Also, the amount of research you did for this really comes through in the little details. I love that you were so fastidious about it, because the details like the pub and the university situations really added substance to the story. It wasn't just about two people bonding over a mutual menace, it was about Marietta and Dudley bonding over basically every detail of their lives.

And if I shipped it before, boy, do I REALLY ship it now!!!

Dudley has always interested me as a character because he's one of the few that specifically has a weight issue. In the books, he doesn't seem to be too self-conscious about it, but here, he's pretty aware of the spacial limitations that come with a larger frame. That's the funny thing about growing older--you become more aware of your perceived "flaws." And you treated the whole weight issue really well--it wasn't a thundercloud over his head, but it was one of those slight nagging things that people tend to worry about in the backs of their minds. The way he skirted the tables was described really well, and I love that you kept that part of his physical description close to canon. If he came back as a super trim fit guy with rippling abs, I would be super disappointed. :P

Dudley wonders why Marietta wants to have lunch with him... I say it's because she likes his face. (Not just because she feels she has to repay him for knocking his lunch down.) Also, I'm a HUGE sucker for the whole attraction-at-first-sight cliche when it's written well, and this is DEFINITELY written very well. The falling-over-onto-his-lap sequence was very funny and a perfect, fluffy way for the Dudlietta ship to begin its maiden voyage. :D

I am so interested in knowing more about Dudley and Marietta's life up to this point and beyond--like, what's the "real" date going to be like?! There is so much room to explore with this ship, and you've done such a brilliant job of showing one little snippet in their lives. Ugh, I am SO disgustingly happy that you wrote this. I can't get over it! ♥

I've probably dithered on enough for you to get the picture, but just to reiterate: This was totally brilliant. You're great at writing dark stuff, but I think you may have found a new thing to be good at--Dudlietta fluff! :D Hopefully your willingness to be a Dudlietta pioneer will spur other people on to write their own versions of the ship, because now I want to read more about these precious babies. (Also, if you ever write another story about them, I would be deliriously happy!)

Thank you so much for writing this!! I just can't get over how great it is. ♥


 Report Review

Review #3, by UnluckyStar57The Defenders: Chapter Two

22nd April 2015:
"I'll review it tonight!" she says as she doesn't review it tonight. Trolol, I'm later than I thought I would be, but here I am to shower your lovely story with more compliments and love!

First, let's start at the end. This whole chapter was like, "TOTAL BABES BEING AWESOME," and "To strong women" is the thesis statement of the chapter and the entire story. Can it be the thesis statement to my life? Because YAAAS.

That being said, I love, love, love how you're incorporating traditional views of Victorian women with modern attitudes about feminism. The Victorian era is that awkward in-between time, and nobody can decide where women should be in society (of course, MEN are usually the ones who can't decide this. The women usually know). So having Clara be such a strong character is 1000% amazing, especially since there are other strong women and she's not just the only girl in a "man's world." Theodora Ollivander for the win!

Oh! Question because I noticed some things--like Edwin, which is reminiscent of Edwin Drood, which is a Dickensian character. Did you name your characters after those in Dickens's novels? If so, that's a really cool parallel, and it makes it even cooler that you've had him become a crossover link between Victorian wizards and Victorian Muggles. Super cool! Except the really interesting thing here is that Dickens always had... weird views of women. Like, he thought that they definitely should have been placed under men in society, but like all good Victorians, he presents contradictory views and the reader has to pick which one works for them. (I prefer to think that women in Dickens novels are struggling to be heard, but their author won't quite let them out yet. He's like one step away from it. But still.) Sorry if I'm being boring and long-winded, but like I've said, Victorians are my favorite weirdos!

Wink wink nudge nudge to Clara's interactions with Dugald!! Love it! Except, another question: How old is he? She's twenty-one, and I know it was the case with lots of Muggle Victorians to have the male love interest WAY older than the female (Jane Eyre was 18, Rochester was 38; Louisa Gradgrind was 20, Josiah Bounderby was 50; etc). But still, if I'm going to ship these two, I don't want them to be vastly separated in age. I can't ignore my modern viewpoint enough to convince myself of it. At any rate, Dugald is hopefully only in his late 20s or early 30s. And I totally ship them right now, so we're good.

(I hope you don't take any of this weird rambling the wrong way. I sincerely love your story, but the insanities of the time period are just too insane to NOT talk about.)

Edwin is awful and the Ministry is ineffective. I'm glad that hasn't changed throughout Wizarding history. :P

Anyway, I really should go to class now, so I'll have to shut up for now. :/ But this is such a great chapter, A++, and I hope that your Muse cooperates enough for more chapters in the near future! This is absolutely one of my current faves. :)


 Report Review

Review #4, by UnluckyStar57Conspiracies: Nothing left to say

15th April 2015:
Hi! I'm here for the April BvB. :)

Because The Defenders has no more new chapters, I thought I would stop by this one. I know that you've marked it "Abandoned," but the summary drew me in.

And I'm happy that I read this chapter, even though after I write this review I'll probably read the others and be left hanging for all eternity... But that's beside the point. The point is, I really like the premise for this story!

Melody seems like a really cool girl. I love that she's in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, which is not a place where you see a whole lot of female OCs in Next Gen fic. And she's really good at her job--which she's been doing for only a month. That seemed slightly too-good-to-be-true to me, especially since even she was questioning why Harry and Hermione would pick her to do the job. But the explanation that she's less biased and doesn't have her own political agenda was legit. So I'm definitely sold on the idea of her being a super awesome DMLE officer. Ladies kicking butt and taking names is what I live for!

So, James Potter's in a spot of trouble and his daddy's trying to get him out of it? I'm DEFINITELY sold! I really wonder what your version of James is like, because there are so many ways that this could go. Is he a spoiled brat? Is he a mama's boy? What's his relationship with Harry like? When do I get to meet him?

Ooh, and the name "Heather Merryweather" is just phenomenal. Like, what a perfect name for someone who's trying to follow in Rita Skeeter's footsteps! Gah, just one more detail that makes me love this story already.

I really enjoyed that beginning description of Melody's ride on the lift. I could imagine all of the people crowding in, and it can definitely get claustrophobic! I especially appreciated that you used that space to give a voice to Melody's insecurities about her job--she seems to be slightly nervous at the beginning, and maybe that's because she's afraid she's not qualified enough? But hopefully her work on James's case will help her realize her full potential.

Okay, I know that you maybe don't want reviews on this story because it's Abandoned and all, but I just wanted to say that I hope you change your mind and continue this someday. What I've read so far is really great, and I can see this going in a really fun direction.


Author's Response: Oh Mallory, your reviews always make me smile! :)

Thank you so much! I actually really enjoyed writing Conspiracies and I adored Melody but then I lost pre-written chapters and between that and uni, I never found the time to get around to finishing it!

I do love Melody! No it's not and that's why I wanted her there - I figured there should be a little girl power in the Magical Law Enforcement! Well i'm glad my explanation was legit.I was a little unsure about having her be recruited by Harry and Hermione and I know I've had a review that wasn't sure about that. But the whole 'being neutral' to me makes perfect sense but then again, i'm biased because this is my story! Yes! Girl Power all the way! Kick ass females all the way!

I wanted a James II plot that wasn't like everything else I had read and that's what I came up and it was definitely inspiration for the rest of the story! James is...well you'll see him in the next chapter and the others (if you read on, that is).

True Story: A Geography teacher in my high school was called Mr Merryweather and that's where the name comes from! I needed it to be ridiculous and I think it fits! Awww, thank you!

Thank you so much for this review! You'll definitely know how to give a girl confidence in her writing! Hopefully I will because I did enjoy it but some reviews and then me losing the chapters put me off but one day, I hope to come back and you'll be the first to know!


 Report Review

Review #5, by UnluckyStar57A Single Point In Time: 1984

15th April 2015:
Hi Laura! I'm here for our swap. :)

I decided to review this chapter because it was looking a bit lonely and it isn't connected by storyline to the others. And I'm glad I did, because Narcissa is a fascinating character.

First of all, the language you used in this was absolutely phenomenal. The emphasis on appearance was really made evident by Narcissa's comparison of herself to Mrs. Vaisey--I love the description of her as a "Renaissance hen." Overall, the language had a very aristocratic slant to it, and I could picture Narcissa thinking that way.

The "proper wife and mother" theme was a fabulous one to explore for Narcissa. She's so uncomfortable in her position as this perfect domestic housewife, and it fits very well with her canon personality. Of course motherhood doesn't suit her; she's an aristocrat! I have a feeling that she would rather make her own statements about the war instead of making empty comments and talking about motherhood. And it isn't that she doesn't love Draco, no, you made it very clear that she feels a sort of affection for him, but it's just not the same for her as it is for people like Evelyn Vaisey.

Ooh, the comparison of Draco to Harry was spot-on. It's so hard to think that while Harry was being orphaned by Voldemort, Draco was sucking on a silver spoon while his parents expected a victory for their side. Oh--but I just caught the even deeper comparison, about how Harry and Draco were both unwanted. Oh man, this changes things. Because what that tells me is that Narcissa was really on the inside of Voldemort's circle, and then she had to stop when she got pregnant. So she now has to deal with this new position that she's been suddenly shoehorned into, because of not just one baby, but two.

Whoa. That is some crazy cool backstory right there. I am totally convinced of this because you did such a brilliant job of conveying it.

They had arisen like some problematic kitsune, demanding attention and causing havoc, stumbling to find their feet. ~I especially love this line. It describes Harry and Draco perfectly as children and as Hogwarts students. And the comparison to kitsune makes me wonder if Narcissa is maybe of Japanese heritage? If so, that's another really cool interpretation of her character!

Really brilliant work on this! I hope I can come back sometime and read the other chapters, because I have a feeling that you reinterpreted the other characters in new and awesome ways, just like with Narcissa. :)


Author's Response: Mallory!!

This review makes me SO happy, because you've absolutely hit the nail on the head and understood exactly what I was trying to say here, and that feels so great! :D I really wanted to write Narcissa as a character who feels so bound by her gender that she resents it - but that's not to say she hates her child or her husband or anything - she just hates that she as a woman is always beneath someone, always tending to them. I'm so glad that that came through and it's honestly so rewarding seeing you write that out in your review because it was my intention here.

I'm really pleased the language reflected Narcissa's personality, because writing this chapter was a little different to the other ones and I was worried that I'd got a bit lost with all the info I was trying to convey. This review has absolutely put my mind at ease though - honestly, thank you so so much for such a fantastic review, you are 100% the best person ♥

Laura xxx

 Report Review

Review #6, by UnluckyStar57The Defenders: Chapter One

12th April 2015:
Hi again!

RE: Your Author's Note: Um, no, you're not silly for writing this. You're awesome! Like, this is so exciting because you're writing about a period that we don't really have canon information about. You can make stuff up! You get to make the rules. :)

Oh wow, Edwin is a pouty jerk. Just because Clara was smarter than him and noticed a link in the pattern first doesn't mean he has the right to go complaining about stuff. But I do agree with the sentiment that it was a rough time for factory owners and workers. (Mostly the workers.) Because on the one hand, you've got workers who are trying to get a few more rights/more pay, and then you've got the factory owners, who won't give it to them/are afraid of uprisings. And what a mess it was! Oh yeah, and I love, love, love that Edwin owns Floo Powder factories. Like, what?! That's amazing!!! Wow, I can just picture the Wizarding World operating like Victorian society/industrialism, using factory systems to manufacture things with magic. Oh man, just amazingness! Also, corruption, if Edwin is anything to go on...

It's so cool that you've pulled in Muggle current events, like William Gladstone and the factories. It gives the story a great authenticity. You've really done your research! :D

Ooh, I wonder why the Muggleborns are disappearing? It's a little too early for Jack the Ripper, but maybe it's an earlier Wizarding version? Who knows?!

There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that could detract from my excitement/overall enjoyment of the story. If you have a little time, I would suggest rereading this chapter to do a bit of rewording. But really, it was beautifully written overall, and I really loved it.

Oh yeah! Almost forgot. The mysterious feel at the beginning, with the rain and the way you imagined Clara through a far-away perspective, was really fabulous. It set the tone nicely for what was to follow.

I'll be on the lookout for the next chapter!


Author's Response: Hey!

I'm still not sure! I think the whole fact I can make stuff up scares me a little! But it's my story and my victorian world so i'm just going with the flow!

He really is but I still love him (but maybe that comes from imagining Aidan Turner playing him?). Yes, he's definitely under some stress so he can be forgiven for the most part. It was a mess indeed! I have no idea where I got the idea for Floo Powder factories - I think I just figured it all had to be made somewhere and it's used everywhere so it would have to be made and distribted quickly and viola - the factories were born! Well again, I wanted a link to the Victorian era and i thought that would be the best way to link both worlds!

Thank you! I researched and researched so I'm glad it's paid off and you think it's cool!

I know, I admit I rushed to get it out because the queue was practically empty but I have gone back now so hopefully I've got them all. I do struggle sometimes with my grammar and typos but that's because I dislike proof-reading most of the time because it reminds me of uni too much but I will definitely take more care for the next chapter. I might look into getting a Beta if I can, just to double check a few things!

Oh thank you! I hate just diving into a chapter so I do like the set the scene! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thank you so much for reviewing! Honestly, your reviews are amazing and they're helping me so much my confidence in this story has doubled so thank you for that!

It'll be coming soon, hopefully!!

Vicki ♥

 Report Review

Review #7, by UnluckyStar57The Defenders: Prologue

12th April 2015:
Hi there!

I'm in a Victorian Lit class right now, so this story is basically everything I could ever want. You obviously know stuff about the times, which is AMAZING, because the way you put little details into the story was absolutely wonderful to read.

I love Clara already--she's perfect for the time period. Women were in a super awkward position, but one might expect that to let up after the census of 1850, which showed a "surplus of women" and so then women were allowed more freedom and such. I would expect Clara to be an inheritor of her grandfather's estate, and his position in the Defenders! The Wizarding World has always been a little more progressive than the Muggle world--where it counts, anyways, so the inclusion of Clara in the Defenders makes a lot of sense.

As does Edwin's obvious dislike of her. The question of gender roles was put under heavy scrutiny, especially for middle class women, so because he's a factory owner, it makes sense that he would be skeptical and even downright rude/condescending to her. What an awful man! I like that he's a factory owner, because that was also a huge theme in Victorian England. Industrialization really took the country by storm, and having that link to Muggle current events is really amazing and important.

I wonder what Milton knows about the Leaky Cauldron that Clara doesn't? It seemed like he didn't trust the place, so I'm wondering if ominous things will happen there...

Ooh, Dugald McPhail seems like a bae. I can't wait to read more about him!

Also, I love that you've got canon surnames in this. Origin stories for underexplored canon characters are always welcome!

Well, I just wanted to drop by and review these chapters because of my insane love for Victorians and their literature. (Also, I have to write an essay about Hard Times by Charles Dickens and it isn't going so well right now. Procrastination is my friend!) I'm sorry if I scare you with all of my ramblings, but just know that I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read the next chapter! (Which will happen as soon as I stop typing here and submit this review.)


Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reviewing!

oh wow, I bet that's super interesting!! I adore Victorian England so I knew I wanted a story set in the times and this is what I came up with! Aw, thank you! I think the little details matter and it's let my inner history nerd come out!

I'm glad you love Clara! I feel quite protective over her so to hear that you love her makes me so happy! I'm glad she's time period appropriate in your eyes - I'm taking that as a huge compliment seeing as your in a Victoria Lit class and clearly know your stuff! She will be sole inheritor of the estate and his position - I wanted her to have her independence but with just a hint of the oppression of that time so that's where the whole 'marrying for wealth and security' comes from! I didn't want her to be too out of place! But yes, I used their progression to have Clara and also Theodora, who is a women of status and power already, to be their own person!

YES! I'm so glad that his dislike of her doesn't come across as unfounded! I took the basis of the story from Elizabeth Gaskell's 'North and South' and the fact that John Thornton, as much as he admired Margaret Hale, he was stuck in his times and looked down on her independence a bit! The inclusion of the Industrial Revolution also came from watching 'North and South' - I just knew something so big in the Victorian Era couldn't be ignored as much as the Wizarding World is more progressive, I would imagine it would have the same working problems, especially in that time. Edwin's character definitely takes some basis from John Thornton and how Richard Armitage played him!

We'll just have to wait and see haha! No, I didn't actually meant for it to across that way but your view has definitely given me something to think about!

He is! I absolutely adored writing him and James McAvoy is definitely the basis for him so he's just super adorable and of course, Scottish!

I'm glad you like that! I needed some way to link to the future hp universe (because I have ideas for a sequel already) and I thought the best way wuld be to use familiar surnames and I think it helps the reader to feel a bit more comfortable in the story being non-canon!

Well thank you so much for dropping by! I am with you with the love of Victorians! (Oh I know how that feels although I am done with essay writing now - it's all worth it in the end!) No, no, you definitely didn't, honestly, this is the best review ever and I've definitely rambled in this reply!


 Report Review

Review #8, by UnluckyStar57Touché: Touché

11th April 2015:
Yes, hello, I am here for the Modern Muggle AU Jily genre.

Seriously, you have no idea how excited I am that you came on HPFF and published this story. I am a big fan of Modern Muggle AUs because of Tumblr, and I also write them. It's a very underappreciated niche on HPFF, so as I said, I am SUPER PUMPED that you've joined me in my quest to make it more well-known! (Not that you knew you were joining me in a so-called 'quest,' but let's pretend, right?)

Okay, well, now to give you an actual review:

I super love this. 100%. I can absolutely picture James being the dumb twenty-something who gets on the nerves of everyone because he's trying to take ironic pictures in London. Brilliant characterization there! I can tell that James isn't exactly a tourist in this story, but he doesn't seem to be originally from London. Where is he from?

Lily!! My fave, my queen, et cetera. She was perfect. Her panic about James fit really well with the Lily I know from canon and my own headcanons; she's a cool character, but she does tend to freak out sometimes. And it's so cute that she cares so much about James's wellbeing that she would invite him to dinner to make up for his injuries. Of course, there might be ulterior motives in play... :D

The slightly-angry-ish banter between them while James was in the hospital was spot-on. Kudos for that! AND OMG FAKE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't know what it is about that particular trope that gets me, but it gets me every time.

So, to summarize this slightly-wacky review, I am super psyched that you published this, and I love it to pieces. Please write more of them, and if you're interested, we can form a Modern Muggle Jily AU alliance! :D


P.S. I love your penname.

Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you so much for your review! I've been writing fanfiction for ages but this is the first jily fic I've tried and it's lovely to get such a fantastic response!
Yes, you're completely right about James, I haven't decided where he's from originally (Surrey maybe?) but has recently moved to London so I'm glad you caught onto that!
Also I did a stalk of your account and OH MY GOD YOU ARE AMAZING. Aesthetic Alterations is absolutely brilliant, I love how you write so so much.
I would love to form a Modern Muggle Jily AU alliance!! Let's do this *high fives* we can cry over how perfect they would be in 2015.
P.S I like your penname too!

 Report Review

Review #9, by UnluckyStar57a slow shattering: the mirror thrown to the ground

3rd April 2015:
Here for the April BvB!

Oh no... You did this to me with Daphne, now you're doing it again with Lavender... Whyyy... And also, shame on me for not reviewing this sooner. Arggghhh.

But anyway, you really address the serious issues in your writing. It's amazing how powerful these situations can be when put into writing, and putting the story in a position that the reader experiences Lavender's thoughts and feelings just impresses upon me the awfulness of mental illness and how truly painful it can be. (These are not the right words to talk about this. I'm not sure that I have the right words. I'm sorry.)

Lavender is a sore spot for me, and she's become one of my favorite characters in the past few weeks. I want her to be okay, I want her to be happy, and I want Parvati to be alive. Her thoughts about Parvati's death were some of the worst and most graphic parts about this, because to lose a best friend before your own eyes is traumatizing beyond belief. Ugh, please tell me that what Lavender witnessed was an illusion, that Parvati isn't actually dead, please tell me that.

You did such an incredible job of writing Lavender's breakdowns. The biggest one was the last one, and that was the most difficult one to read. She was fine, she was okay, and still, while I was reading it, I didn't believe it for a second. But that doesn't mean that I wanted her to break down. The screaming of "Thank you!" was absolutely raw and so, so scary. I hated it.

(Of course, when I say things like "worst" and "hated it," I mean it only from my role as reader, not reviewer. As a reviewer, I must say that these things added to the pathos and utter devastation I felt as a reader. Glad we've cleared this up.)

Throughout the story, Lavender was as much an observer of herself as the doctors were. Her desire to have control of her own actions is something that everyone feels, but people who are hospitalized because of mental disorders must feel it stronger. That point was reinforced over and over again, as the doctors continued to restrict her freedom. Even giving her lentils instead of peas, because they didn't bother to ask her, because they don't see her as entirely human... Ugh, that is so awful, and yet, I think it happens a lot in real life.

This line: "She was Lavender Brown. Lavender Brown died when the werewolf began to scratch her, and now she doesn’t know who she is." Oh my god, oh my god. It really sets the tone for the rest of the chapter, especially since she woke up at the end with her hands tied again. Looking at herself in the mirror, while cathartic, proved that she is not ready for any of that. I agree with the doctor in this case, but I wish that he saw her as a human, not as just a screaming patient. :/

Poor Lavender. Listen, I really need Parvati to be alive. I don't know if that would help Lavender recover better, but I think Parvati would understand her much more than the doctors ever will.

Again, you've written something that makes me so sad and that makes me think about situations outside of my own experience, which is always valuable. It's crazy how you can write these things in such a poetic manner while managing to impress upon the mind exactly how horrible it all really is.


 Report Review

Review #10, by UnluckyStar57Curiosity Is Not a Sin: Eavesdropping in the Corridor

2nd April 2015:
Hi Branwen! I'm here for the April BvB. :)

I know you said you would prefer reviews from chapter 4-onward, but chapter 3 looked lonely, so I thought I'd start here. Now I can just keep going whenever I get a chance! :D

Okay, one thing about formatting before I get into the reviewing part: Your entire chapter 2 is italicized. I think it's because you forgot to close the HTML tag at the top. Just a heads up!

Okay, now the good part:

Omg, I read and favorited this story aaaggeess ago, when I was still a little HPFF muppet. And I'm so glad that you've decided to refurbish it a bit, because it gives me a good excuse to reread it. :)

The first thing that I love about this story is that your Next Gen kiddos have such a great dynamic. I love how Rose is friends with James and Albus, and how Albus would punch Scorpius if Scorpius punched Rose. :D It's such an interesting dynamic, though, because while Rose loves Albus, she can't look past the superficialities of each House. She judges the Slytherins really harshly, and I can definitely see that that's going to change in the future. However, it requires a lot of character growth from her, so I'm looking forward to watching it unfold!

The Pivotal Conversation was my favorite part so far. You set up such a great rivalry between Rose and Scorpius--how they compete for Albus's attention and grades and basically everything--but Scorpius totally thinks she's hot. Have you ever read the Anne of Green Gables series? The Rose/Scorpius interactions up to this point remind me of the relationship between Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe, who eventually married her. Long story short, I'm a sucker for rivals-turned-lovers, especially when it's written so well!

The Red Hair Prank always gets me. I hope that more fun shenanigans happen along the way. And I agree, Scorpius would be a great Weasley. Scorpius Malfoy-Granger-Weasley has a nice ring to it. :)

Brilliant story! I hope I can be back soon to review more. You've got a lot of lonely chapters for me to give love to. ♥


Author's Response: ♥ Thanks, Mallory! :)

I hadn't ever really drawn that comparison between Rose/Scorpius and Anne/Gilbert before, but oh my god, you're so right! I loved that series when I was a kid, but I haven't read it in years. I should find time to revisit it soon.

I'm glad you like my dynamic between the next-gen kids - Rose-Albus-James-Scorpius (and all the combinations therein) are so fun to write about, especially because they all change pretty drastically over time. I'm editing/continuing the sequel now (finally), and Scorpius and James seem to have decided that they're totally friends now. I've got to say, it's really bizarre to have a scene pop into my mind where Scorpius is getting relationship advice from James, especially going back to that story right after editing CINAS.

I love this conversation, and I'm really glad you do, too! Scorpius is usually a pretty deliberate guy, so I love it when his emotions do run away with him and he says things that maybe he shouldn't - because even without knowing that Rose was listening in, really, Scorpius, you probably could have kept a couple things back here and been better off. :P

Thank you so much for the review! (And for the nomination for Rose for the SotM! ♥)

 Report Review

Review #11, by UnluckyStar57The Shadows Within: Prologue

2nd April 2015:
Hi! I'm here for the BvB. :)

Ooh, this is such an interesting beginning! I like that it didn't immediately start with an interaction between James and Lily or the Marauders, just because this whole intro gives the story a really dark feel. It's got me wondering how the underage Death Eater recruits are going to handle their last years at Hogwarts. And of course, I'm wondering what Lily and James are up to...

I think you built the atmosphere up very nicely with your descriptions of the house and the people in it. I had a clear picture of who was there, and although there seem to be some OCs, they're connected to the Death Eaters by their last names. (Of course, I'm not a Marauders era expert, so they might be canon characters... Forgive me if they are!)

One tiny grammar mistake: "There only a few were out of their twenties," ~I think this is supposed to be phrased "There were only a few out of their twenties." It makes sense and it would fit in a story with a very particularly stylized narration, but it didn't seem to fit here. Just a heads up!

Voldemort's plans are insidious! You really made me hate him even more by showing how he used younger people to further his bigotry and awful ideas throughout Hogwarts. It's hard to think about, but seeing it in this context hits the point home: He doesn't have a conscience. Ugh, and he's already creepy. Thanks for reinforcing my hatred for him! :D

Really brilliant beginning! I hope to be back to review more later this month. :)


Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked the beginning. I found that most stories tended to start similarly so I tried to change it up and bring in the impact of the war a bit. Thanks for pointing out the weird wording. And I'm so glad you feel like Voldemort was uber-creepy in this, since he is an intimidating character to write!

As for canon/original: older Avery went to school with Voldemort is canon (Cassius is a made up first name), there was an Avery (Julius was again made up as a first name), Bellatrix is obviously real and Cygnus Black is the name of her father as per the Black Family Tree. I tried to pull a fair few of my OCs surnames from the Harry Potter Lexicon in general.

Thanks for the lovely review! =)

 Report Review

Review #12, by UnluckyStar57Destiny Beckons: 1. An Unexpected Delivery

31st March 2015:
Here for our swap! :D

I've never actually read a Snamione time travel fic before, so I thought that this would be a good place to start on your AP. Verdict: So far, so good! :D

It's really interesting that Hermione's story starts immediately after the Battle. I mean, come one, Dumbledore! She's still grieving! She needs at least a week before you send her off on new adventures! Ah, but Albus Dumbledore is always true to his character as a mastermind of plots, even from "beyond the grave..."

I did think that you handled Hermione's grieving process very well, despite Dumbledore only giving her a short time (and that's his fault). She's exactly the type to rationalize and compartmentalize her grief on her way to recovery, and that was very clear in your writing. Good job!

Snamione is a pairing that I've never read before, just as I've never read a Snamione time travel fic. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes, and why exactly it is that Hermione is the one who can save them all. I guess that Harry's had his turn, but when it comes to the aftermath of destruction, it's Hermione's brains that will clean up the messes. :)

Oooh, that is a shivery quote of Latin! If you have any questions about translating, I know that a few of my Ravenclaw buddies are well-versed in ancient languages and could probably help you out if you're not sure you've got it right in the future. :)

Anyway, you've caught my interest with this chapter, and I hope that you go on to write more! Happy Camp NaNo!


Author's Response: Hey Mallory,

Thanks so much for swapping with me, and for not picking the shortest fic on my page. It bugs me when people do that. I really enjoyed your fic, and it's nice to know you enjoyed mine too. i do hope you'll be back for more when I update. =)


 Report Review

Review #13, by UnluckyStar57Bunny Slippers: Kingsley

30th March 2015:

I failed miserably. I'm sobbing into my keyboard. :'( It's so awful, all of it. Ugh. I'm gonna try to be coherent in a minute.

...Okay. Seriously, do you cry when you write this stuff? Because this is so sad, and I almost can't handle it. Thoughts of Benjamin keep running through my head and I just... HOW COULD YOU INVENT ANOTHER LONGBOTTOM?! That just triples the feels and it's hard to be coherent when Augusta Longbottom saw the body of her dead grandson.

No. No, it is not okay for Kingsley Shacklebolt to be the only one who notices baby Neville. That's terrible, and I could totally picture him cradling Neville to his chest and just... So much emotion here! Ugh!

That's a mark of your skill though, so you really ought to be proud of that. To evoke such emotion in a reader is a powerful thing. I seriously don't usually cry at stories, but this one does it for me.

AND THE BUNNY SLIPPER. No. Unequivocally no. Even through my tears of sadness, I sympathized with Kingsley's rage.

OH NO DON'T GIVE ALICE DIALOGUE. Oh man, that is just scarring on Neville whether he knows it or not. His own mother can't remember who he is. His father is unconscious (maybe?). Talk about a character with not much luck. Now I just want to hug Neville and cry some more. Uggh...

Sorry, you must think I'm a cavewoman because I'm being so incoherent.

Anyway, Kingsley's breakup with Kiara was also extremely sad and awful, but I can understand why he felt he needed to do it. It certainly isn't safe for anyone connected to the Aurors at that moment in time, so they are better off apart. However, I wish that he wouldn't have closed himself off to the possibility of renewing that relationship. You summarized it very succinctly and very well, and I wish with all my heart that it could've continued. However, I do hope that Kiara found someone new, or at least was able to recover from the awfulness of the breakup. Broken hearts all around tonight. < / 3

More brilliant work on this second chapter in this Saga of Feels. If there are more sad things in the next chapter, I might melt into a puddle of tears and drift away...


Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you so much for the review swap!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't want to kill Benjamin! I promise!

I also wanted to write a happy Kingsley who moves on and has a fulfilling life, but alas I couldn't. After finding baby Neville and the scene around him, I just couldn't justify writing a normal, happy Kingsley.

The bunny slipper is what started this whole thing. It was part of my prompt and it turned out to be possibly the most gruesome part of it all.

I pretty much wanted to hug Neville the whole way through the series and while writing this. His story is incredibly tragic.

I feel like once Kingsley makes up his mind then it's set. There is no revisiting later. I think Kiara was the only woman he ever loved and I think since he gave her up he would never love another.

The Saga of Feels...hahaha I like that one. The next chapter is definitely sad, but not in the same ways that chapter 1 or 2 are.

Thanks again for the swap, although I'm sorry I caused you to cry. :(


 Report Review

Review #14, by UnluckyStar57broken, broken: after the Battle.

30th March 2015:

No really, it's been so long since I've read one of your stories and now I'm fixing that. :)

Oh, but I shouldn't smile because this chapter was so incredibly full of... sadness? tragedy? Well, suffice it to say that this was very heavy reading material. And I loved every bit of it.

Contemplating what it must have been like for Slytherins who went back to Hogwarts after the War is such a shivery concept. I can imagine it, but seeing it depicted here is so much more evocative of their pain and fear of backlash from the Ministry and those who fought on the "right side." Never mind that there were lots of Slytherins who acted against their will during the Carrows' regime.

Oh man, you did such a brilliant job on Daphne's characterization. I love how she is so different from Astoria, so reserved where her younger sister is so passionate. It sets a sharp contrast to her decision at the end of the chapter, which seems very much like something Astoria would do if she were in Daphne's situation.

And I know I say you write beautifully over and over again, but I mean it every time. Your sentences are never awkward or clunky; they tell a story while containing something of a sad music that is all their own. This is BookDinosaur, but on a whole new level. I love it.

Oh my goodness, words aren't enough to describe the sadness I felt (and disgust) when Daphne saw Millicent's wand snapped in half. It's disgusting that someone should be made to feel so awful about themselves that they take their own life to escape. It's awful that the Slytherins have to deal with depression, PTSD, potential suicide, and on top of all that, impending trials, and it largely goes unnoticed by the authority figures in their lives. Meanwhile, are the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws receiving some kind of aid from the Ministry, or at the very least, some sympathy? My guess is: Probably yes.

Draco and Gregory Goyle... :''( No, that's too sad. I can't handle it. I've always, always thought of Draco as a bully and a menace, but this story shows a new perspective, no matter how ephemeral the moment was. You managed to characterize post-War!Draco in one moment better than some do in entire novels. Brilliance, I say. And utter sadness, because now I'm thinking about Crabbe and that's just no good.

One thing: After your Author's Note, the rest of my screen is in italics. I think you might have forgotten to close the HTML tags or whatever. (I don't know technical lingo, but it's the part.) But literally, that was the only mistake I found in this whole thing.

As far as the PTSD and anxiety parts go, I think that you handled them with grace and delicacy while managing to show the rawness of the feelings that Pansy and Daphne were experiencing. It was so incredibly awful to see PTSD through Daphne's eyes, and the voice that whispered such terrible things to her... Ugh. However, I have experienced neither PTSD nor anxiety. I only know that you drew me into the scenes with the terror of what your words were saying, and you convinced me that those were the horrors you were trying to convey.

But to dwell on these things is to ignore the ending, which was at once tragic and somewhat hopeful. It is heartbreaking that Pansy thinks she can only count on Daphne, when there are so many other Slytherins going through the same thing. I wish that Pansy would just go with Daphne to France so that they can recover together and avoid all of the potential angst of separation. :/

The kiss was written wonderfully. This story is obviously not meant to have romance in the foreground, because that would undermine the recovery process of both girls. It is apparent that they have feelings for each other, and whether the feelings materialized before the Battle or in the aftermath, I cannot say. However, I can say that I've never thought of this ship before, but I am 1000% here for whatever materializes in their future. I almost wonder if Pansy chose to kiss Daphne in that moment in order to make her stay at Hogwarts...? But I'm glad that Daphne ultimately pointed out that the kiss-and the potential relationship that might follow-is not healthy at all. The fact that Pansy kissed Daphne right after having had a panic attack adds to the general unhealthiness. So, for the ship, I think it'll be good for them to be apart, although Pansy needs to realize that she just can't deal with anxiety by herself.

Ugh, this is all so sad! Why would you do this to me, Emily?! Why...

In conclusion, I hope that you can continue this story very soon. I enjoyed reading it because of the incredible way you construct sentences and plots, and it made me very sad to read about post-War reconstruction from a Slytherin perspective. Where is Harry when you need him, and would he do anything to combat the prejudices if he knew about them? I certainly hope so.

(And I'm sorry if this is kind of a weird review. I've been reading Victorian poetry criticisms...)

Review at you later!

 Report Review

Review #15, by UnluckyStar57The Art of Small Talk: Introductory Measures

30th March 2015:
Hi Kiana! I wanted to leave this review for you for the Gift Tag because you posted the thread and all. So Happy Easter, and here we go!

I noticed that this story is really close to getting 100 reviews, so I wanted to help you get there. :)

Okay, review time:

This story is awesome. I will now defend this thesis with a series of points:

Point One: The humor in here is so clever and strange. I lol'd several times because of something one of the characters did or said. Audrey is such a vibrant and interesting narrator, and I can already tell that she's going to be an Unreliable Narrator, so that's going to be a lot of fun. The characters who feature in this chapter have such varied personalities and they definitely aren't throwaways, which adds a lot of color and general amazingness to your story. From the beginning to the end, I was very much reminded of Bridget Jones's Diary/Pride and Prejudice, which are two things that I can never, ever resist.

Whoops, did I consolidate my points into one big point? Hopefully Verity won't come after me...

Seriously, I think of all the side characters in this chapter, my favorite one was Eileen. This line was an absolute gem: "Then again, over-enthusiastic Eileen is also Eileen who is in charge of overseeing the personnel of the Potions department and unless I want her to be over-enthusiastic in cuts I have to be nice." There were so many good lines, but this one really did it for me. It summed up Eileen's whole entire personality in one humorous swoop, and I was really impressed by that.

How do you keep the humorous tone so present in your story? Like, I've read some of your serious stuff, but this is so funny--I can still tell that you've written it, but I applaud you for having the versatility to write in such diverse styles. :D

Ooh, forgot to mention that I really love how the acronym for this story, TAoST, looks like "toast." Toast is always good.

The Bridget Jones vibe was especially strong in Audrey's first meeting with Percy. I got really excited, because the "ooh, you're such a prat" scene is always what gets the ball rolling for P&P-inspired stories. The romance train is leaving the station, all aboard! And Audrey herself is a brilliant character--she does have that stereotypical awkwardness that a lot of fanfic characters have, but she subverts it in interesting ways. I love the presentation of a stereotype and then its subversion, so reading her narration of events was really fantastic. And I mean, I definitely identify with her, so that's a major plus. :)

Draco is such an awkward baby, I just want to squish him in a hug. :P

Well, anyway, you did such an amazing job setting up your story and characters in this chapter that I'll have to be back for more in due time! I look forward to seeing where Audrey's story goes.


Author's Response: Hey Mallory! Aw, thank you, that was so sweet of you! ♥

Oooh, yay, thank you for that! I'd forgotten how close it was :P

Bahaha, I'm so glad that you liked them and whoo for Bridget Dairyness/Pride and Prejudiceness as I love those two things too and they definitely did help inspire (a lot I should say :P). I'm sometimes worried about how crazy the characters appear as though because this writing this is quite relaxing for me, so sometimes I release too much tension and I'm like people will think I'm insane if that person says/does that, but so far the results haven't been too bad. :P

Aw, thank you so much! I love Eileen too, even though she isn't really a character you're meant to love but go ew at as she is kind of ew worthy but she's just so much fun to write too as she's just so crazy and I love her for that! ♥ (okay, I did not know I liked her so much until I started replying to this review :P)

Aw, thank you so much! I'm not really sure, I wish I could write more humour as I enjoy it a lot but at the moment life isn't all that fun for me with exams and stuff so I tend to write more angst. :P

Bahahah, toast is good!!! ♥ ♥

I know, the romance train is definitely ready to rock and roll though I'm not if Audrey's ready to join it. I'm so glad that you didn't find it too stereotypey because I was worried Audrey might be the typical clutzy girl falling for the serious guy, so everytime I write her it's like please, please, please be okay. :P (if that makes sense) and whoo for identifying with her, as I do too, probably too much as I'm prone to have at least 10 awkward moments a day.

I know, he does need a hug!

Thanks for this fab review, it definitely made my day and gave me a kick to go post the next chapter! :D


 Report Review

Review #16, by UnluckyStar57Stronger: You and I NOTHING!

29th March 2015:
Here for our swap!

Oh wow, Albus/Lysander and Lysander/Scorpius. These are very interesting pairings, especially since the default is Albus/Scorpius.

The first three paragraphs set the scene really well. I loved the imagery of the blustery day and the wrinkling sheets in Albus's mind. It was clear that he was there for an unfortunate purpose, and it played out very unfortunately for him, indeed.

This version of Albus seems to be a self-serving, entitled person, so it made me chuckle when he thought of Scorpius as a "pasty white rich kid." Albus is very selfish, only going back to Lysander because he feels the need to be in a relationship again. The fact that they've broken up four times in three years causes me to assume this about Albus, because there's no way that it isn't the same old story, over and over again. And Albus might think he loves Lysander right now, but if they'd gotten back together, I fear that the cycle would repeat itself.

You did a really brilliant job of not glorifying what seemed to be an unhealthy relationship. Albus was clearly in the wrong, and he's going to have to live with that forever. Lysander is hurting even now, because Albus keeps coming back around. That is inherently destructive on both sides, and if it takes moving to Moscow, then Lysander has made a very good decision. I hope that Scorpius treats him better than Albus did.

This one-shot makes me want to know more about how Albus and Lysander started dating. Do you have any plans to write more about their relationship? Or even Lysander's relationship with Scorpius? I would love to read the stories if you write them. The way this was written has captivated me, and I want more!

I've never seen Sex and the City, but as a college student in my last few weeks of the semester, I'm always looking for another procrastination tool. I might check it out because of this story. :)

Really brilliant work with this!


Author's Response: Hey there!

Thanks for swapping with me!

I'm glad the imagery helped to paint the picture that Albus is there for an unfortunate purpose. I really wanted that to be immediately apparent.

Albus is absolutely, unequivocally wrong in this, so you are right, it's quite ironic of him to call Scorpius "a pasty, rich, white kid. He has hurt Lysander time and time again and now that he's about to loose him for good, he wants to try and woo him back.

As of right now, I don't have any immediate plans to write more about their relationship, but maybe somewhere in the future I will. I'm so glad that you liked the pairing and that the writing pulled you in.

In regards to Sex And The City, you should absolutely watch it! It's one of my favorite shows!


 Report Review

Review #17, by UnluckyStar57The Best Day of My Life : The Best Day of My Life

26th March 2015:
Hi! I'm here for our swap! Thanks for doing it, and sorry that this is a bit late. :)

Oh. My. GOD. You tricked me! Having Albus behave so nervously and Scorpius so pushy was a really good move, because of course, I assumed the "obvious": That Albus was about to come out to his family. Here I was, thinking that it was going to be sweet, albeit a bit cliche... BUT NO! TOTALLY different!

And that's not to say that cliches are bad, but you had me expecting a joyful family scene. And then you undermined that expectation and made me think about the previous behavior of the characters in a new way. I mean, I'm in AWE of your awesome storytelling skills.

And the animal hospital is SUCH a good idea. Like, I want a novel about this, please. I just love that Albus and Scorpius are going to chase down their dream with each other. It makes my heart happy. :)

"Do you think that's a good idea, son? Starting a business with your boyfriend?"~YES. The scene would have been incomplete without this line, and it's SO PERFECT. If clueless people like me hadn't already been able to figure it out, this is the clue! Albus isn't coming out because the whole family knows about (and likes, hopefully?) Scorpius. Yesss! Love it!

sUPER CUTE HARRY AND ALBUS MOMENT. OMG, he was talking about WWW. I'm crying. It was beautiful.

AND THEN THE PROPOSAL STOP YOU ARE KILLING ME WITH CUTENESS. And they have nearly the same ring, d'aw. I sincerely hope they get married after their business has become successful, so that they can have beautiful wedding photos with all their magical creature patients.

Ugh, as if I didn't ship Scorbus A LOT already, this made me ship them more! You know how to spin a yarn, m'dear! :D

Thanks for such an awesome story! ♥


 Report Review

Review #18, by UnluckyStar57Bunny Slippers: The Longbottom Family

25th March 2015:
Hi, I'm here for our review swap and I AM SUPER UPSET ABOUT THIS.

Oh my GOODNESS, WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THIS?!?! Thinking about the beautiful Longbottom family is already bad enough, but AN OLDER BROTHER?! Who DIED?! I wasn't prepared. Not by a long shot.

Oh, but you wrote it so convincingly! It was just another normal day in the Longbottom household, just another dinner, no big deal... NOPE. You know, I always pictured the Longbottoms getting tortured after being captured by the Death Eaters while on Auror duty, but your version of the scene makes things MUCH WORSE. Neville was only a baby, but he was still a witness to his parents' descent into insanity and his brother's death. I wonder if Augusta Longbottom ever mentions Benjamin? I wonder if Benjamin's extraordinary magical talent at such a young age contributes to Neville's feelings of doubt about his own magic...? UGH NO, I'VE CAUGHT THE FEELS.

I really think you did their story justice, oh yes. Murder and bunny slippers? Who knew it would be such a tragic combination?! Seriously, the writing of this was so smooth and so filled with trickery--I totally thought that everything was going to be fine, but then the Death Eaters came. You did a really great job of setting up the scene, and I could almost smell the dinner cooking! Great use of imagery and figurative language to pull me into the scene!

But shame on you for making me want to cry. :/ Anyway, I hope I can come back and read the other two chapters sometime! Brilliant job on this! ♥


Author's Response: Hello there!

I'm sorry you're super upset. :hides:

It's funny. I never imagined the Longbottoms getting caught at work. I always imagined they would've been attacked when their guard was at dinner time.

I'm so happy to hear that you think I did this story justice. I was really nervous about writing it because Neville is one of my favorite characters and the whole thing is just so tragic.

I have to admit that the prompt really threw me through a loop. I spent several weeks trying to figure out what to do with murder and bunny slippers. I had been wanting to write a Longbottom story for a long time and after mulling it over, this finally clicked.

Thank you for the review swap! I sure hope you'll come back to read the rest!


 Report Review

Review #19, by UnluckyStar57Her Choice : A New Beginning

23rd March 2015:
Hi Lindsey! I am so, so, so sorry that it's been SO MANY MONTHS since you requested this review. You didn't think I'd forgotten about it, did you? I've just snagged a bit of time to come and give you a really thorough review, so I hope you can accept my humblest apologies for the long, long wait. :)

Alright, so this is very interesting. I've seen some of those stories where Harry's twin magically shows up, and I'm never sure how I feel about them. However, THIS is really different, because the struggles of being related to the Malfoys must be tenfold in comparison to being a twin in Harry's shadow. Purebloods, man. Messed up family lines.

Speaking of messed up families... Laynie's got a pretty bad one. Her parents were pretty good, but grandmother is absolutely awful. At first, when she was discouraging magic, I thought "oh, maybe she isn't so bad, she'll take care of Laynie." But nooo... She's quite bigoted, isn't she? And now Laynie's got bigoted Muggles on one side and bigoted purebloods on the other. Ugh.

The dropping-off of Laynie on the doorstep of the Home was just... too much. Ugh, Grandma, isn't it enough that you're really mean?! Can we report her to child services?! Seriously, what is her deal?!

Oh, but if Grandma was bad, what will living with Malfoys do to Laynie? Lucius is already trying to instill in her the idea of bigotry, which I'm hoping won't work because she grew up around Muggles. He's being absolutely awful, and if he ever went into a Muggle orphanage, I would imagine that he would act exactly as he did in this chapter. Doesn't he realize that his Dark Lord came from a Muggle orphanage? Clearly not.

And so Laynie will maybe become a sort of double agent? Especially since it seems like she's going to hang out/sympathize with the Golden Trio? Their ideology seems to match hers more than the Malfoys' does. And the fact that the entire family gives her creepy feelings does NOT up their reputation. Why have they only now decided to adopt her for their sinister purpose?! What is she going to help them with? Is she going to be Draco's helper in the plot to kill Dumbledore? This is really interesting to me, because I'm wondering what the Malfoys are playing at, trying to get a girl who was raised by Muggles to do their evil bidding...

Overall, the flow was very good and I loved your descriptions. This sentence in particular stood out to me: "Quickly she looked away, remembering that her mother had always told her that a mirror told lies if you looked into it too long." I could not agree more, Laynie's mum. Couldn't agree more.

There are a few things that I wanted to point out, just to suggest improvements.

1) "Laynie Victoria Martin sat silently on her worn down twin sized bed in thought as she gazed silently through the open curtains of her bedroom window."~Since this is your first sentence, I thought it could be worded a little differently. You really want the first sentence to hook the readers in, and while this caught my interest, the wording threw me off a little. The opening phrase "Laynie Victoria Martin sat silently on her worn down twin sized bed in thought" was a little off, as my mind wants "in thought" to be placed closer to "Laynie." Right now, it seems like the twin sized bed is in thought. And you mentioned that she was silent in the opening phrase, so the return of "silently" is a bit redundant. So, my suggestion for rephrasing is this: "Laynie Victoria Martin gazed pensively through the open curtains of her bedroom window as she ran her hand over the worn down comforter of her twin-sized bed." You definitely don't have to take my suggestion, but it's one way to rephrase things. :)

2) My only other question is about this sentence: "This, dear, is Malfoy Manor. Welcome home!" This sentence is said by Lucius Malfoy, a notoriously cold person. I don't picture him handing out "dear" as a pet name to people, not even ironically, so the addition threw me off a bit. Maybe substitute it with a term that doesn't imply endearment, such as "girl," or "child?" However, it's just a suggestion, so please don't think I'm trying to change your writing all around! :O I tend to nitpick at little things when everything else is flowing smoothly. :)

In summary, this story flows really well. You've already set up a compelling back story for your main character and your depiction of the Malfoy family is quite accurate. I can't wait to see Bellatrix in her full glory, because I bet she's gonna be wicked creepy. Laynie is an intriguing character, and I'm wondering what she'll have to do with the success of their evil plans.

'Til next time!

Author's Response: Hey there Mallory,

I am sorry it took so long to write back to your review. I am so grateful you took the time to come by and leave me a long one! I am glad you think that I am doing well so far on my story- I've worked hard on it although right now I am at a blank spot and haven't written on it in over a month.

Thanks for all your CC, and I appreciate this whole review! I will take your advice and edit my story! ;)

 Report Review

Review #20, by UnluckyStar57Rabbit Heart: Stone Hearted

15th March 2015:
After months and months, I am BACK to review chapter 9, and maybe I won't be so tardy next time. There are so many chapters of this crazy, creepy, brilliant story now! :O

Honestly, I'm sort of the dumb, gullible reader who will believe anything you throw at me, as long as it's mildly plausible. So the hints of zombie-ism, wandless magic (or lack of ability to do magic), and Gran's dark and tragic actions are spinning around in my head and I have no idea what to do with them.

Ugh, but I love it. Wren is dealing with a WHOLE LOT, rabbits aside. Like, she could probably be diagnosed with a Muggle psychological disorder at this point because of how messed up her life (and thereby, her mind) has become. But is she turning into some kind of weird rabbit zombie?! I'm not sure at all...

It's absolutely terrible that she had to find out about Gran's decision from some paperwork at St. Mungo's. That in itself is scarring, coupled with the fact that the person behind the decision is the one who gave her a passion for saving the lives of animals in the first place... All that revelation really makes me think about the perspective we have on Gran, though. Is she having these spells of un-Gran-ness because of repressed guilt over "killing" her son and daughter-in-law? Has she somehow been affected by the creepiness of the rabbits/other creatures she took care of? Is she turning into a zombie?!

Seriously, that stuff with seeing Alice Longbottom's hand twitch and imagining zombies really was very creepy. Thank Merlin for Albus the Nerd, who tells zombie jokes that calm Wren's nerves--as well as my own. Like, if I thought killer rabbits were bad, killer rabbit zombies are even WORSE.

Question: Is any of this inspired by Bunnicula, that children's book about the Dracula-rabbit? It sometimes reminds me of that, except that this is WAY darker and I continue to be baffled by the rabbits (but in a good--albeit creepy--way).

I'm definitely on Team Smeed-Is-Not-A-Bad-Guy, but I could be very wrong. The tea that he gave Wren seemed to help a lot, and I'm hoping that he kind of knows about the rabbit situation and is on a mission to stop it. (Plus, I might remember from a few chapters back--is he a vampire/immortal-esque being of some sort?) I thought the tea might make her forget about that stupid rabbit, but no, she thought of Bunny immediately after drinking the tea...

Aggh! Such a brilliant web you weave! I've really got to start keeping up with this story more, because every time I read it, I get sucked back in...

Again, sorry this review was so late. I apologize for being the human equivalent of a trashcan, but I hope you won't hold it against me. :P


Author's Response: Oh Hey!!!

After many weeks, I am finally giving a response to this awesome review of yours!

You are definitely my kind of reader! Mildly plausible is a specialty of mine, as is zombie-ism, wandless magic (it's canon, sort of :P)and old people with secrets to hide. So glad you're on the same train with me on that. Which is why I'm also so happy you have returned to this story! Woot!

Aww, no. This story is not inspired by Bunnicula, but a friend of mine pointed out that vampire rabbits have been done before. I never read that book, but after someone told me about it, I Googled the plot. Interesting. I might have to read those books, just to say that I have. :)

Team Smeed-Is-Not-A-Bad-Guy is a good team to be on. And yeah, he's a vampire. That might make him sort of bad, but not in a bad way. Wow. That just didn't make any sense at all. Now I'm messing with my own head.

Feel free to get sucked in anytime. You're always welcome! Currently, I'm writing the last five chapters (30 in all), and I won't be posting again until this thing is done. I have this unnerving fear of posting too early, and then discovering that I dropped an essential thread. Eek! The nightmares!

Thanks for the awesome review!


 Report Review

Review #21, by UnluckyStar57Bruises : Bruises

11th March 2015:
Hey! I'm here for our review swap. :)

I've never actually read any Sirius/Emmeline before, so this was a new and interesting experience for me! I loved the opening description of them, trying to sleep in a time when sleep is difficult to come by. They're quite good together, I think, and they don't come across as too "love-lorn," which would be inappropriate for the tense times in which they lived. So you did a wonderful job on setting their relationship up, yay!

I also love that you didn't just concentrate on their relationship dynamic. You added so much more than just that. Emmeline, although I don't know much about her canon personality, is a warrior who is torn by grief over losing her two best friends. She isn't a throwaway character and though in this moment she exhibits vulnerability, she is strong.

D'awww, the party was so cute! Except HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! At first, I thought it was for Harry's birthday, but the costumes gave me a clue. And it's just AWFUL to think that the Potters were having a cute little Halloween party only hours before they died. Ugh. Thanks for the feels, but can I return them and get my money back? I'm sad. :/

Peter's appearance was very telling, and you did an excellent job of describing him. I can definitely imagine that being a mole for the Death Eaters was taking its toll on him, and here you're putting Peter's character on a different level than the one I usually see in fanfiction. Here, he isn't dismissed as "the unwanted friend." His friends actually care about his absence from the party, and they worry about his haggard appearance. This tells me that your version of Peter, instead of maliciously turning against his friends, caved in to the pressure because the strain became too much. And to me, that's a much more interesting version of Peter than the "default" one.

Oh man. Sirius's note to Emmeline... I can't. That's so terrible. I mean, it's one thing to think of Sirius-the-bachelor going to Azkaban, but to think of Sirius-in-a-relationship appearing like a traitor to the person he loves... Arggh. Of course, I can imagine that Remus would feel especially betrayed, but Emmeline was with Sirius right before he went off and "killed" Peter. Wow.

Question: Have you written anything else about Sirius, Emmeline, and the gang? I would love to read something about their Hogwarts years or expeditions for the Order pre-Harry, if you've written it. :)

To be honest, I thought this was really well-written and I couldn't catch any spelling mistakes. Hence, the copious praise and rambling about Marauders and things. :D

Honestly, I love that you've shipped Sirius with a non-OC character. I want to know more about Emmeline's life and how she got into the Order. Normally I ship WolfStar, but I certainly can picture Sirius with girls and boys, and Emmeline seems to work really well with him.

Brilliant job on this! Thanks for swapping! ♥


 Report Review

Review #22, by UnluckyStar57Dark Birthright: A Muggle in the Ministry

9th March 2015:
Hi! I'm here for the March BvB. :)

Ooh, I really liked the beginning of your story. It was sad, establishing Julia's frame of mind since her brother's death, but it was also pithy and it sort of gave me an expectation of how the rest of the chapter would turn out. Julia herself seems to embody the whole thing about being "mad" and working at the Ministry. She's an interesting character, and I'm not sure I've seen something like her before.

Is she really a Muggle, or was Lucius Malfoy exaggerating? Perhaps she's a Muggleborn? Or maybe she is a Muggle... If so, how did she wind up working for the Ministry? I'm very curious to find out the answer to this, and I hope to revisit this story so that my curiosity can be satisfied.

Anyway, I can totally believe it that Lucius Malfoy likes to "step out" on Narcissa, so to speak. He's kind of a crummy person, and cheating adds to his level of crumminess. Especially since what he was saying to Julia was basically fetishizing her while condemning her, and that's even worse. I feel like that's a theme of the Wizarding World that people haven't explored much--the way men tend to fetishize things about women that aren't meant to be fetishized. Anyway, I might be getting out of my depth here, but it was really cool that you shed some light on this dark and sinister topic.

Arthur was definitely believable! I like him already. :) And I like the way you established the time period without specifically saying "The year was 1995 and Harry Potter was at Hogwarts." Because this story isn't about Harry, but using the picture on Arthur's desk was a great way to give me a clue of the approximate place that this is happening in Harry's timeline. :D

Brilliant chapter, and I hope to be back for more very soon!


Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review, it's really appreciated! I'd love to think it made you want to read on!

 Report Review

Review #23, by UnluckyStar57Through the Black: Trying to get Ahead

6th March 2015:
Hi there! I'm here from the March BvB. :)

Wow, I'm really glad I discovered this story! Julianne seems like an unusual character, and I can't wait to get to know her better.

The most curious thing to me was how she has a surprisingly civil relationship with Sirius Black. I mean, she's not so keen on James, but she gets along with Sirius and they went to the library together... What's their history? Have they been friends for very long? I feel like it was a good strategy for you to start the story in the middle of things without giving a lot of back story at the get-go, but now I want to know what's going on! Oh, and as for Sirius, he doesn't seem like the typical jerk-face that I usually see in Sirius/OC fics. (And if this isn't a Sirius/OC, I'm sorry for assuming!)

What's Julianne's deal with Lily? It seems realistic for Julianne to have a few enemies/frenemies, but as with Sirius, I want to know the back story! It must've been something really bad...

A few points of spelling:

Is the "Madame Prince" you refer to the same librarian as the one in Harry's time? Because if so, her name is actually Madame Pince. However, I completely understand if it's a different librarian altogether! I just wasn't completely sure because there's such a small difference in their names.

The word "corporeal" is used to describe a Patronus. It means "having a body." The word "corporal" refers to an army officer. Again, a very small difference, but it was the only spelling mistake I caught!

You did a really good job of establishing Julianne's character. It's very obvious that she's a different kind of Ravenclaw altogether. She doesn't care so much about schoolwork, but I bet there's something else about her that makes her a Ravenclaw. It isn't all about books and cleverness, after all! :) Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you've done really well with her in this chapter, and she's very likable even though she has several rivalries with the Gryffindors that make her seem a bit petty... Character flaws are what make the character great!

A question I have: What are Ivory and Kassie's last names? I'm sure they'll be revealed later, but I'm curious to know if they're part of any recognizable Harry Potter-universe families. :)

Really wonderful job with this! I hope to be back soon!


Author's Response: Hi there!

Hehe, I'm so glad you like Julianne. She is probably my favorite OC that I've ever created for anything and I just love her to death!

I did want to go a different route and have her actually be friends with the Marauders from the get-go, especially since I've always had her in Ravenclaw, so she would need a reason to interact with them more. I probably didn't do that great of a job explaining it in this chapter (I do explain more later), but the story I had was that she and James have known each other since birth pretty much since they lived next door to each other. That's how she got to know Sirius so well, since she and James are so close.

I've also never really seen Sirius as being a real jerk past his first or second year, especially once he started to unlearn all that crap from his family. He just acts like a stereotypical teenage boy sometimes haha.

Yes, this is very much a Sirius/OC story :P

If I remember right, I think I explain what happened in chapter three? But then there is also the whole thing with Julianne and James being close, so that wouldn't earn her any points with Lily either haha.

Oh, my god. I looked this up because I was so sure that her name was Prince and now I know that I have been spelling this wrong since I was eleven. I don't know how I never realized that there was no "r" in there. Oh my god, thank you so much for telling me, I feel like I've been living a lie now haha.

Yes! I really wanted to show that while there were Ravenclaws who fit the stereotype (coughIvorycough), not every single one is academically smart. There are so many different ways that someone can be smart/intelligent beyond just doing well in school.

For your question, Kassie is a Bones and Ivory is an Abbott :)

This was such a wonderful review! Thank you so much and I hope you come back soon!


 Report Review

Review #24, by UnluckyStar57Year Five: Loose Lips

18th February 2015:
OH MY GOSH, I am actual trash for leaving this story unread for two whole months. TWO WHOLE MONTHS.

Ugh, and it's such a pity that I'm such a trashcan, because I love this story so much, really I do. There are so many things...

First of all: LOVE the further characterization of Tristan's friends. Emily is definitely an interesting character and I can't wait to see more of her. So righteously angry, yet so nice that she can't really express it like someone else might. And in this chapter, I'm really seeing how everyone's parentage sort of defines what people expect of them at Hogwarts, even though their perceptions rarely match up with the reality (especially in the case of the Hex Heads).

Tristan becomes more complex with every chapter, and I love it. He's caught in such a struggle--between being a Slytherin, but having a Muggle parent and a Muggleborn mother, and having friends from other Houses, and identifying as a Muggleborn even though he could identify as halfblood if he chose... It's all building up, and if this is angsty for him, I would hate to see what SUPER angsty looks like. Poor guy. Here, you really show how he's the victim of his own circumstances--he doesn't like his Housemates, but he hates Oliver Wood and most Gryffindors. So people assume things about him that aren't true, and he just isn't going to have that. It really fits in with the 90s vibe that the rest of the story puts off. (I mean, I wasn't really part of 90s culture because I was a small child when 2000 rolled around, but I can assume...) Tristan is struggling to reconcile himself with his identity, and that is some hard stuff right there. But he also likes being the pariah, so that makes it extra cool when he tells Reece off.

The idea of the Weasley twins being Hex Heads is more appealing every time I see them in this story. The only way we see them interacting with Wood is through Harry's naive eyes (in the books), so I can totally believe it that they would have a bit of anger reserved for their pompous Quidditch captain--cuz at the heart of it all, they're little rebels and they need someone to rebel against. (Even if it's just Oliver and they like to get on his nerves a lot.)

Speaking of Oliver, THIS CHARACTERIZATION THOUGH. A++, and that's no lie. He's so glorified in fanfiction that it is extremely refreshing to see this portrayal--Oliver as a bully, as an egomaniac, as an obsessive zealot. Like, the boy is MARRIED to Quidditch. That isn't very good, especially since he knows he's good at it and that's earned him a lot of fans over the years. His confrontation with Tristan... just UGH. I mean, I'm always down for a cutesy little Oliver/OC fic, but after reading this incarnation of Oliver, I'm like, "Nah, son. Not today." Thank you for showing a side of this character that is maybe more honest than normal. (Of course, this story is heavily centered on Tristan, so it might be a bit biased, but I still dig it.)

Magic beyond all we do here... Darn it, Weasleys, you're too clever. Again, the drugs and addicting behaviors are there, but you aren't glorifying them. These kids are doing these illegal things because it's an escape from their less-than-awesome realities, and there is no glorification in that. It's a way to cope, and I think you showed that very well. Also, it's a way to let off steam, and they're 90s teenagers. They kind of need it...

One grammar thing, because I had to have something, y'know?

"They usually found him entertaining, but when high, the little knight tended to freak Tristan out."~Sorry, but this made it sound like Sir Cadogan was the one who was high. I know that you meant Tristan, but the wording was just a bit off.

...And that's all I have for criticism/correction/making it better. In general, I love the amount of thought you put into this. I love that you really gave a lot of thought to what Tristan's wand is like, and how the "less important" characters are getting highlighted and gaining backstories as the story progresses. It's really, really brilliant, and I hope I can be back sooner rather than later to review chapter five.

Thanks so much for requesting again, and I'm sorry that I'm such trash for waiting this long to review! ♥


Author's Response: No worries, it's taken me FOREVER to reply to this, so I'm guilty as well!

Ooh, I'm really glad you mentioned the stuff about parentage! I put a weird amount of thought into all their families and backstories, and there's a ton of stuff I worked out that never even gets mentioned in the story. But yes, there is much family stuff in this story :)

Haha, yeah Tristan has a pretty high base-level of angst, partially because of those reasons you mentioned. Throw in some specific incidents to deal with and the angst level goes through the roof! And I'm really glad you see some of the problems with his character. Like, I want people to identify and like the MCs, but they're still pretty complicated, and certainly have flaws. (In fact, there are times when they can be downright obnoxioius!)

I wouldn't call the Twins Hex Heads, since they don't use charms recreationally, but I figure you use that term because the actual one probs isn't TOS complaint for a review ;) But yes, I liked the idea that they would get up to more shenanigans than young Potter truly realized. And I remembered a few incidents of them taking the mickey out of Oliver, so that was fun to play with!

Bahahaha! I'm sosososo glad people have responded well to this characterization of Oliver! I mean, I DO like him, but I needed someone to kind of antagonize Tristan, and those elements to his personality are definitely THERE in canon. Mostly though, I just think he's kind of young and hotheaded.

I'm really glad you didn't think the substance stuff was glorified! I wanted to have that be in the story, because it IS realistic if you're writing about teenagers (certainly not ALL, but MANY). I wanted it to kind of just BE, and sort of reserve any judgements of my own, because I trust readers to make their own analysis. But it was tricky to show how THEY think it's cool, without actually making it seem cool. But it seems to be working out!

Ooh, thank you for pointing out that grammar thing, I will certainly adjust it. And no worries about taking a long time, this review was fantastic and totally worth whatever wait!


 Report Review

Review #25, by UnluckyStar57Illuminations: Alfajores

11th February 2015:
Hey Laura! Here for our swap from earlier--thanks ever so much for the lovely review! :)

This is such a cute concept for a story! I love the idea of Pomona and Albus being bros and trying to play cupid for people. And you've got so many different storylines weaving themselves into the thing. It's beautiful. :D

First of all, the food! The setting! You are always so, so wonderful at describing places and rooms, and now I know that you're amazing at describing food, too! Have you ever had an alfajor? The way you described it as Pomona was eating it... Oh man. Now I want one. (Or more than one.) Seriously, is there going to be another food next time? I can't wait to find out! By the way, I love how Albus pronounced it with a Spanish accent. That's definitely something he would do. :)

The storylines! It's only the first chapter and you've already set up all these love stories: Minerva/Dougal, which is over and that's super sad; Minerva/Albus, which will never happen and this sort of makes me wonder when and how she got over it; Pomona/Bessie--what happened to Bessie? Will Pomona find someone else?; Albus/Gellert (one of those pairings that you love and you're good at writing them); Horace/Septima (was he good-looking at that time? Additionally, was he someone that Septima Vector would be interested in?); and Minerva/barkeep (where will that one go?). It's pretty cool how you can manage to juggle all of these crazy things, balancing out the awkwardness of Minerva's crush with her eventual acceptance of the barkeep's affections. I have a feeling that Pomona and Albus are going to be playing cupid for a whole bunch of people, until maybe Albus finds someone for her...?

The way you write relationships between people is just insanely good, and I don't even mean the romantic kind here. Albus and Pomona are two people that I never would've thought about having a friendship, and yet, here we are. It works so well, considering that they seem to understand each other. They seem to have very similar woes in the love department, what with his boyfriend turning out to be an awful Dark wizard, and her girlfriend...dying? leaving her for another man or woman? turning into a tea kettle? I don't know, but I hope to find out!

When Albus said that he doubted there would be a Darker wizard in the century... UGH! This proves it! He CAN be wrong sometimes, and HOW WRONG HE IS!! Hopefully he and Pomona don't try to make Tom Riddle a match with some student. That would be cruel irony. (I could see them making bets with Minerva over James and Lily, though.)

Incredible chapter! I hope the next one is not too long from being posted? :)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>