Reading Reviews From Member: JessiesGirl
  
18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by JessiesGirlFinal Bloom: Final Bloom

24th August 2012:
Hello there, it's JessiesGirl here from the forums with your promised review.

Among the many aspects of narrative used in this story, I would have to say that the chief one that stood out for me was your preference of setting. I can't help but marvel at the time and imagination that must have been spent on this; your use of imagery and symbolism is quite lovely.

I also very much enjoyed your characterisation of an older and much wiser Draco Malfoy. Despite him being moderately different to his younger self, everything that you have proposed strikes me as being plausible taking into consideration the context of his life that you have provided for us. It's nice to think that Draco could have transpired to this - although personally I would never have gone as far as to say he would have become Harry Potter's friend. Regardless, that's of no real importance taking into consideration that this is just fanfiction and you've approached the situation with very realistic intentions.

Your writing style was also quite beautiful and I felt as though your acute use of imagery really helped to make it all the more easier to read. I also really liked the ending...it was a sad surprise to discover that Draco would have to suffer from this fate but it made the purpose of this One-Shot a lot more relevant and logical.

This was a lovely One-Shot, and in answer to your areas of concern yes, I did happen to enjoy it - very much!

Well Done

Katherine

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the R&R. I'm glad you enjoyed it ;) This was the first time I've really written any of the main characters as an adult so I was a little nervous. LOL
I've always had a soft spot for Draco, and really believe that the effect the war had on him and his family would have seriously changed his outlook on life, so I'm glad that came across successfully.
Thanks again for checking it out and being the first to review it!
Much love
~Moon~


 Report Review

Review #2, by JessiesGirlOutcast: Ice Skating and Belly Dancing

23rd August 2012:
Hi there, JessiesGirl here for the review swap.

Wow, a school for squibs? Darn, I wish I'd thought of it first. I think you've got something really original to work with here, it'll be interesting to see how you go about developing it.

I also enjoyed the dash of humor you've employed - you actually had me giggling at several points whilst I was reading this which I can tell you is quite the achievement. Your characterisation of Molly was interesting. It's nice to see you've broken the popular stereotype that usually involves her being a pompous, swotty pain in the backside who bears an extreme annoying resemblance to her father. I mean who would have imagined: Percy Weasley's daughter - a squib!

The only criticism I can make is about the amount of description you have applied to this piece. I just found it all to be a bit too vague and generic; there were times when I really struggled to form pictures in my head to match up with what you were saying. I realise that this can be a particularly difficult feat to achieve when you're writing in a first person narrative but if you took a few moments to allow us to hear what Molly hears and see what Molly sees I could imagine myself enjoying this a little bit more. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed it, but I think there is definire opportunity to improve on that particular aspect of your story.

On another note, I really like the writing style you have here. There were no glaring errors or mistakes and everything seemed to flow nicely.

Overall a very solid 9/10. I really enjoyed this!

- Katherine

 Report Review

Review #3, by JessiesGirlMemory Dust: Living in a Lie

23rd August 2012:
Hi, JessiesGirl (Katherine) here from the forums with your promised review.

SQUEAL, okok so I've been reading this story for quite a while now and I actually couldn't believe it when I realised you were the author! First off I'll start by saying that I adore your writing style; you have a great ability when it comes to showing and also telling a story. You won't believe how many writers I have come across in the past who don't adhere to this rule. It's the most frustrating thing in the world!

I am so in love with the concept for this story! If there's one thing I adore it happens to be originality (as long as your story is original you're already half way there when it comes to impressing me)...and before you ask, YES, this story is probably one of the most original I've read on here so far. You see, when I hear Ron/Hermione I hear the words 'boring', 'predictable' and 'tiresome' purely because I have spent seven thick volumes experiencing pehaps the most famous shipping in the entire series from an account of the author herself. I mean what can a person do with them that JK hasn't already done herself? Surely now all that's left for them to do is get married, possibly row a few more times and have a few kids. This is one of the main reasons why I love this story so much. You've broken through every stubborn piece of brick wall that bars my excitement from the Ron/Hermione ship!

Your characterisation for both characters is very much spot on, and I also really enjoyed experiencing those new OCs such as Chelsea and Jonathan that seem to represent the weaker parallel versions of the two main protagonists.

I can't really find anything to criticise to be honest which is strange for me. I really really like this story and I'd review every other chapter but I'm already half way through the story as it is so the next time you hear from me will probably be around about chapter ten if that's ok. You have something really good here and I hope I'll still be around on the archives to see you complete it.

Well Done!

- Katherine

Author's Response: I wish I knew how to properly reply to this, but I can't because you're so nice and amazing it blew me away. To have a story called original is something I guess every author craves, so thank you for that. And I agree that most Ronmiones are really going the same way, so I wanted to write something new since I love Ron and Hermione so much. And yes, exactly...when I wrote Chelsea, I wanted her to be a little like Hermione, while Jonathan was supposed to be a complete opposite of Ron.

this review, like I said in my PM, has made my day. Thanks so much and I hope you're enjoying the rest of the story and I'm really looking forward to hear what you think!

Liz


 Report Review

Review #4, by JessiesGirlThe letter: Who is D.Malfoy?

23rd August 2012:
Hey, it's JessiesGirl (Katherine) here for the review swap. So I was skimming through your authors page wondering which story to choose and then I saw this and couldn't resist taking a look as I am a self-confessed Dramione nut.

I don't think I've ever come across a Draco/Hermione fic before where both partys haven't been in it. The fact that Draco's voice is only present through the epistolary style creates an air of ambiguity that I find quite interesting on the whole. It's a very defferent approach to what I'm used to. I also like the fact that you have opted to tell this story from the point of view of Rose. Considering she's just a child it throws quite an innocent perspective onto this sordid secret that Malfoy apparently had which I personally find to be quite refereshing. Good choice! Also, I really liked the fact that I as a reader was made to feel completely omnipotent in the respect that at one point during the story (upon reading the letter) I knew more about the goings on than any other character.

Your writing style on the whole is very good although there were one or two moments where I did feel as though things could have been worded better.

Your character of Ron and Hermione were both very much spot on so kudos for that. Overall a very nice read. Well done!

- Katherine

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
I'm glad you liked it and I'm in the middle of getting it bete'd so hopefully it will be better after that.
Thanks again for reviewing! :)


 Report Review

Review #5, by JessiesGirlThe Joker and Her: The Dementors on the Train.

23rd August 2012:
Hello there, it's Katherine here from the forums with your promised review (or possibly 'reviews' at this point - I did click on yor authors page with the intention of leaving one but rafter discovering this story I think I might just be sticking around for a few more chapters to see how this pans out). Your story shows promise - a lot of promise in fact. I don't think I've ever read a Fred/George/OC fanfiction before and what's more, it's very rare that I read storys set in Harry's third year. It makes for a nice, refreshing change I can tell you.

I feel the need to comment on Luna's presence in this chapter. I feel that by choosing her you have spoken volumes about the type of OC Brienne is going to be. The fact that both she and Luna have lost their mothers creates quite an invisible potency. The fact that two characters who are nothing alike can have something like this in common really emphasizes this apparent theme of loss and grief you have going on here - and by making the dementors present you are showing a contrast in how we as people deal with these bad experiences in very different ways as was made clear by both of their very different reactions.

I also found it fascinating to experience the introduction of characters I know so well all over again through the eyes of a character very different to Harry. It was both refreshing and quite humerous (and when I say this I make particular reference to the way she denounced Malfoy as a 'princess' - that actually got a laugh out of me). I still feel as though there is a lot more to discover about your OC. You've given a sufficient amount of detail to get me interested but the fact that you've held back on particular aspects of her life makes me hungry for more.

Sometimes your writing was a little bit choppy in places (and by this I mean there could have been better ways to phrase particular sentences) but there was nothing too glaring that I could pick out.

I can't wait to see how this story develops. This was an excellent start! Well done! I don't have the time to review the rest of this right now but I'll favourite it and try to get back to it within the net few days.

- Katherine

Author's Response: Hi! :D I love finding new, massive reviews, it makes my day! I really glad you liked this opening chapter, and thanks for your comment about the sentences xD I'll have a look at them and see what I can do :)

Thanks again, and I look forward to your other reviews!


 Report Review

Review #6, by JessiesGirlLife As We Know It: chapter one

23rd August 2012:
Hey, it's JessiesGirl (Katherine) here for the review swap.

I really enjoyed reading this. I think you did a very good job of portraying Hermione's heartbreak; you could really tell how hurt she was. I think your characterisation for her was pretty spot on as well, although I can only make the judgement from what I've read of this story so far which isn't much. Your characterisation of Ron and Lavender was also very well done so kudos for that.

I think it's both interesting and clever that you've chosen to trigger a Dramione relationship at this point specific point in the series. Hermione is heartbroken and Draco is obviously worried and vulnerable about the task Voldemort has set him so the likelihood of the two developing feelings for eachother is a lot stronger than it would be under normal circumstances. I think this is important considering the fact you're writing a Dramione novel because they're not the most realistic of pairings. You seem to have given this thought and consideration and I like that you're taking a realistic approach.

Ah, I'm tempted to read more now because so little has happened in this first chapter. I might pop back in an hour and give chapter two a read. Great job, I really liked this!

- Katherine

Author's Response: You have no idea how much this review has given me feels! Its very hard keeping this canon and adding in the whole dramione bits so people saying that I'm doing a good job with that just make me so happy! I do love dramiones very much and I'm so excited that even people who don't normally read dramiones can at least see it happening with how I have set it up! I'm so glad that you think my characterization is great with Hermione as well! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!

~Slytherinchica08~


 Report Review

Review #7, by JessiesGirlThe Child of my Beloved: The Child of my Beloved

11th August 2012:
Hi, it's JessiesGirl here from the forums for the review tag. I've opted to review this story in particular simply because I am a hugely devoted Snape/Lily fan and I've never read any Sirius/James material before.

You know I've never considered how different the two protagonists are. The style of repetition you've used in this story was really effective in bringing their glaring contrasts to light. It was a really impressive way of going about it. Initially the italics confused me but I picked up on the change of voice soon enough so I can't really criticise that.

I think you did a very good job conveying emotion in this piece and your characterisation of both Snape and Sirius was very effective. Your writing was good - there is of course room for a bit of improvement but nothing negative can be said about it. Some sentences were also worded a bit awkwardy I noticed but other than that there's nothing else I can find wrong with this story.

It was a very enjoyable read!

JessiesGirl

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for reading and reviewing! :-)

I was a bit surprised by myself when I wrote this story, because I'm not much of a Snape/Lily fan myself. ;-) But I just had to write this.

I was a bit uncertain about the italics. I know some readers find it confusing without an authour's note explaining it. Maybe I should add that?


 Report Review

Review #8, by JessiesGirlTime turner Mayhem: Lilies, Mudbloods and discussing Draco Malfoy = Hell

10th August 2012:
Wow, that really is a breathtaking chapter image! A nice follow up you have here; there's nothing I can really criticise with the exception of the few typos dotted here and there. Also, in a continuation of expressing my distaste for abbreviated versions of names I must confess how much I strongly detest the nickname 'Mione'. I could perhaps imagine somebody exceedingly irritating using it like Lavender Brown for instance but I think Ginny's a bit too sophisticated for it.

I couldn't help but chuckle at the concluding sentence; sounds a lot like my own personal idea of hell too. I really enjoyed your characterisation of Harry, and Ginny seems rather well done too. Again, I would have expected more theatrics from Draco but I suppose I could let this one slide taking into consideration how much I enjoy the witty banter being shared between the two.

Good second chapter.

JessiesGirl

 Report Review

Review #9, by JessiesGirlTime turner Mayhem: Time turners suck!

10th August 2012:
Well, considering you requested this review from me nearly four months ago now I must confess that this has been sincerely poor time keeping on my part. For that I most sincerely apologise.

Nice strong start you have here; short and straight to the point! Time turner and Dramione; two very controversial concepts in the Harry Potter fanfiction world that I just happen to have a soft spot for. From what I do know about Dramione I can tell you that if you don't get the characterisation of the two subjects perfect it's going to be an automatic flop. You seem to be on the right track with both of them; there were only two niggling little things I managed to pick up on. First of all despite their steady, long-term friendship I just can't envisage Hermione referring to Ginny as 'Gin'. Not even Harry and Ron do that and they're a lot less well-read than she is. I'd also have expected a slightly more exaggerated response from Draco. I don't know, maybe I'm just being picky but I'd expect him to be slightly more disgusted.

Apart from that I didn't spot anything else too glaring - the odd typo here and there maybe but as a whole it's good. Your writing style seems promising; there's definite room for growth in that area but I wouldn't class that as a down side.

I like your concept; it shows a lot of promise for being a good read and haha I loved your chapter title (though personally I wouldn't mind having one myself. Who doesn't need more time?)

JessiesGirl

 Report Review

Review #10, by JessiesGirlIn The Hollow Valley of Our Lost Kingdom: green (eyes like your mother's)

13th April 2012:
Hello foresakenphoenix

All I can say is...wow! This was absolutely stunning; wherever did you learn to write like this? Everything from the colourful imagery to the poetic timing is, for lack of a better word, perfect. I really can't fault you on it, which is strange because that never usually happens when I read somebody's story on here so kudos for that.

I strongly despise the James/Lily ship (it's been overused to the point where it completely sickens me) so I'll welcome any alternative with open arms and I have to admit; your story may have just made me fall in love with the Snape/Lily ship that little bit more. Admittedly, the whole prospect of Lily choosing Snape over James is a tad bit unrealistic for me personally but I don't even care; if it's something I prefer then any obligation to side with realism goes completely out of the window.

I was particularly impressed by your characterisation of Snape. He's my favourite character in the entire series so for me if a story doesn't characterise him well enough then I'll refuse to read it. You got him down to a tee though and ditto with Lily. I simply cannot fault this story; you should be so proud of it.

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Hey JessiesGirl,

Thank you so much. I must admit that this comes with years and years of practice, and I'm still learning new things every day! I'm so happy that you loved this story of mine so much.

Aw, that's too bad. Jily is one of my favorite pairings, so I'm sorry to hear that fanfiction has ruined it for you. I'm actually not a huge fan of the Snape/Lily pairing, haha, so I'm glad I could write it convincingly enough. I don't know, I kind of see Snape as Lily's first love that she never really got over, despite his cruelty (at least in this case). Mostly it was just an excuse so I could ship James/Sirius in my other fic and the revelation of Snape's feelings for Lily kind of spurred on the Snily pairing from there.

I was pretty terrified to write Snape, to be honest. I'm so used to writing the Marauders that writing anyone else is scary, especially when people like you, who adore his character, are reading my work. I'm always worried that I didn't do your favorite character justice. I'm thrilled that you loved him.

Thank you so, so much for your kind words. This was such a sweet, lovely review. :)


 Report Review

Review #11, by JessiesGirlLetters to Prongs: Love Isn't A Reality

13th April 2012:
Hello BlameItOnTheNargles

^ I love your name by the way - completely irrelevant I know but I just had to get that out there. Anyway, on with the review. Firstly I'd like to start off by confessing that I've never been that much of a marauders fan but time and time again today I've been forced to reassess that judgment, the most recent being this brilliant little One Shot of yours. Have you ever just clicked onto a story, only to realise that when you've finished reading it you're smiling? Yeah it doesn't happen often with me but it did with this one. Right, seriously I need to stop being so prosey now and get down to business.

I absolutely adore Lottie; her story is so sad and relatable and it broke my heart that I didn't see her get her man in the end. I've never been that much of a Lily/James shipper anyway so I really had my fingers crossed for her. At first when I read the letter I thought he'd written Lottie and not Lotto; silly me, for a second there I thought he had feeling for her and my heart practically lit up with joy. See, Lottie's an OC and she's already my favourite suitor for James haha. I could never read a marauders novel from start to finish, especially if it was one of those painful James/Lily overused cliche types - however if it was James/Lottie I would be checking for updates every day. Bit of an extreme point to make but that just shows you how much you've made fall in love with that pairing. I'm a complete sucker for the underdogs!

There were a couple of grammar mistakes here and there which did disrupt the flow slightly but I honestly don't care because I friggin' loved this story so much; it's going straight into my favourites!

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this review! XD
Thanks, I love my name too as Nargles rock ;D I actually like your name as it always makes me sing Jessies Girl when I see it XD (I love that song)
Ahhh all these kind words make me so happy! You have put a smile onto my face XD
I fell in love with Lottie as well, & I really did want James to end up with her but we all know he ends up with Lily D:
Alas I do have a sequel up of it in James POV =}
I have always wanted to write more on them though, I might one day :}
Ahhh I'm terrible at grammar, i'll admit that XD but I'm glad you still love it!
You literally made my day with this review!

~BlameItOnTheNargles


 Report Review

Review #12, by JessiesGirlNo Comment : Mangos

13th April 2012:
Hello lizmusic45

I found this story rather interesting; particularly the way you attempted to structure it. If I have to be completely honest with you I usually don't tend to enjoy stories that switch tenses too much over the space of such a short piece of writing; they always come across as too detatched which can be distracting for the reader. Personally however, I feel that this method really seemed to work well with the storyline. It reinforced the significance of each moment in Harry and Ginny's relationship that you chose to draw upon; nothing seemed out of place so kudos for that.

There were a few minor grammatical errors that I spotted here and there, nothing too drastic or distracting from the storyline though. I also really enjoy the fact that you chose to use Romilda Vane of all people to interview Harry; it's very rare that I get to see her make an appearance in a story so that made for quite a nice change.

You also did a very good job with Harry and Ginny's characterisation; I couldn't find fault with either of them and little Al and James were positively adorable!

You've got quite the unique one shot here; it made a refreshing change from the stories I'm generally more accustomed to reading.

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Hello JessiesGirl,

I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for leaving me such a long review, that was very nice of you. I for some reason and quite found of them, when written well, I don't know if I did that, but I hope it didn't bother you to much :)

There kids are so cute, I have so much love for James, Albus, and Lily.

Thank you, and thanks for reviewing that was really nice of you :)

Lizzie


 Report Review

Review #13, by JessiesGirlCupboard Love: Cupboard Love...

13th April 2012:
Hey there! JessiesGirl from the forums here with your review!

Well, where to start? I simply adored this! I will admit that I've never been a massive marauders fan; Lily and James have been so overused that it gets boring reading so many similar versions of their love life. This little one-shot that you've got here however ticked all the right boxes for me. It was original and fluffy but not too cliche.

There are however a particular few points I would like to address. Firstly, the part where James tells Lily to 'piss off' seems a little bit out of character for him. I wouldn't find it unusual if he said this to anybody else; I just struggle to envision him saying that to Lily. The use of taboo lexis makes the statement sound slightly too aggressive and inappropriate for the given situation; perhaps 'sod off' might work better. It's just a suggestion though so feel free to ignore it if you wish. Also, I have a quick question because I'm confused. If they were able to summon a house elf for food, then couldn't they have asked the house-elf to notify somebody that they were locked in a cupboard? I'm sorry if you answered this already in the story and I missed it, it's just left me a bit baffled.

I absolutely love the fact that it was Lily who asked James out and not the other way round. It makes for such a refreshing change! I also found it really sweet that James chose to tell Lily about his mother before he told Siirius; not only does it show how much he loves her but it also suggests that he's got her figured out and he knows he can trust her which personally I think is so romantic.

I really enjoyed reading this!

x - JessiesGirl - x

 Report Review

Review #14, by JessiesGirlSnatched before my eyes: Snatched before my eyes

13th April 2012:
Hey, it's JessiesGirl here from the forums with your review.

I don't think I've ever cried this much whilst reading something, at least not in a very long time anyway. This was such a beautifully composed piece with such a heartbreaking storyline. I particularly admire your use of emotive language here; it's quite clear you've taken out a lot of time to connect the audience to Ginny's agony and distress.

Had this been written from any other character's point of view I'd argue that psycologically not all the ingredients for death and loss are there but taking into account how strong Ginny is I couldn't imagine this being written in any other way. I also like how you don't just focus on that particular moment, you reflect over Lily's entire life and enable us to sympathise with her mother.

There were a few choppy bits here and there but over all your style of writing is quite beautiful. Perhaps investing in a beta would be a good idea though; I did happen to notice a few grammatical errors - nothing too distracting however.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. It was a very moving piece with a very inspiring ending. Well done!

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Hey thank you for the review.

I'mglad you liked it but sorry that you cried! I'm so happy you thought it was beautifully composed and had a heartbreaking story line. I love Ginny but when a plunny strikes I knew I had to write this story.

I tried to make it not too overly emotional but at the same time I wanted people to see that Ginny was breaking down over it and that she wasn't able to cope with the death of her daughter. Especially with reflecting over Lily's life and then seeing it come to such a sudden end.

I do have a beta (well she's getting to this) so hopefully the grammar and all else will soon be sorted


 Report Review

Review #15, by JessiesGirlHeadmaster Tom Riddle: Goebbels and Emoorn

10th April 2012:
Ah, I get it! So Harry is no longer the chosen one then? I feel so stupid for not working this out earlier. The entire concept strikes me as a lot more realistic now.

I positively adore Draco in this! Granted, he's nowhere near as proud or judgmental as his canon equivalent, but taking into consideration the fact that this is an AU and altering in external factors could have affected his personality, I'm not going to complain. I also have an excuse to like him now (he was always a guilty pleasure of mine beforehand). I also like the dose of humour he contributes to the group dynamic. Usually this would be Ron's job; it's interesting to see how Draco as an addition to the trio helps to change this. Really good characterisation of him; you've maintained all of his fundamental characteristics regardless of the fact this is an AU story. Also, good job with Harry, Ron and Ginny.

The new History of Magic teacher strikes me as a more mediocre version of Snape (thank goodness you got rid of Binns though). I also really enjoyed the historical input you made concerning Hitler and Grindelwald; I too have always marveled at their similarity. One question though, should I at all be worried that this Wizard's surname is Goebbels?

One thing I would like to request - more as a reader than a reviewer - would be more contextual background. Maybe in your author's note you could provide some information that distinguishes more between JK's world and your own (just to make things less confusing for the reader perhaps?). Just a suggestion, it's not really an adequate criticism but I do think that it could be helpful.

There isn't really much else I can comment on; you tick pretty much every box. I must confess at first glance I probably wouldn't have read this story but now that I have I'm really interested. I'm fairly busy at the moment but if I do ever get some free time over the next few weeks I'll try to get back to you and read and review more. It's a really promising story you have here!

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: I'm glad you like Draco. I've always had a soft spot for him and while I'm not a particular fan of some stories with a redeemed Draco, I think there's always been potential for him to be more than Harry's school antagonist in canon. I always found Draco pretty hilarious when mocking Harry in the movies and assumed he had a streak of sardonic humor to him.

There's only one Severus Snape, but the fact his surname is Goebbels does hold some historical importance.

I understand what you're saying. I didn't include context because it's not particularly necessary for the plot though I can see where people would be easily confused. Thanks for the recommendation, I'll use it.

Thanks for the detailed review again. It's one my favorite ones and I'll definitely re-request from you in the future if you ever get around to this again.

Cheers!


 Report Review

Review #16, by JessiesGirlHeadmaster Tom Riddle: Lord Voldemort's Request

10th April 2012:
Hey there! JessiesGirl form the forums here with the first of your requested reviews.

Naturally, in an AU story the characterisation is bound to be different so I've allowed a little lee-way for that. Regardless of how unrealistic the story proposal may strike me, the concept in general does seem to carry with it a lot of potential; it makes a nice change from the fanfiction I'm usually more accustomed to reading.

To begin on a positive note, your concern for characterisation to me seems unnecessary. On the contrary I think your portrayal of these two characters is one of the best I have ever seen done for them. Granted, they do create a severely difficult task to pull off but you manage it exceptionally well.

The taboo adjective 'whore' Dumbledore applies to his speech midway through the chapter does strike me as somewhat uncharacteristic however. I realise I'm not the first one to point this out but to me it signifies a loss of his control over the conversation; something that isn't very common in the headmaster's canon dialogue. In my opinion, 'You think you can bribe me.' would be enough.

When you go on to describe Dumbledore as 'raging' I can't help but be slightly put off by that as well. Perhaps 'cold' or 'disappointed' or even 'scared' would achieve a similar effect without making him seem out of character.

I truly admire your writing style. Your words flow exceptionally well and I'm particularly impressed by your use of jargon and field specific lexis.

All in all a good introductory chapter.

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed review. My concerns with characterization were mostly centered around Dumbledore and I think I've largely found my answer concerning the second half of the chapter. But such is the life of creating a plot contrivance for the sake of the plot bunny.

 Report Review

Review #17, by JessiesGirlMeet the Muggles: Chapter Two: Slipping from my Fingers

10th April 2012:
Hey, me again here with your second review.

'Every time we kissed felt like the first'

As an avid reader of Shakespeare, an unexpected case of foreshadowment in a more modern day story never fails to excite me! I'm not entirely clear of what this is meant to signify but in the world of romance the reader can never be denied a neat selection of their own theories.

I also like how you adapt the tenor in the centre of this piece in order to suit the narrator in her childhood. Your use of taboo lexis has also been sensibly placed; I don't tend to take well to ill-used swearing in a piece of fiction so I'm glad you avoided that.

One thing that does strike me as particularly odd about this chapter would be the date in which It's set. Forgive me if I'm wrong but going by my calculations James would have still been his infancy during this time. Also, there were a recurring number of mistakes here and there but I won't harp on about that when I've already given the topic enough attention in my previous review.

Again, the flow and the pace were excellent and I would have to say that your use of dialogue in particular strikes me as being one of your stronger points.

I like the storyline in general. There's clearly enough going on and her situation of course is relatable for a lot of readers; particularly the possibility of her still having feelings for her ex. Overall a good follow up to the introduction.

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a thorough review! I really appreciate it :)

I know the year is messed up :P I need the story to take place in the present because I'm adding in some current events and things. I'll add that note to my "Author's Note" at the beginning of the chapter.

I'm so happy you enjoyed it! Thanks for a great review! :)


 Report Review

Review #18, by JessiesGirlMeet the Muggles: Chapter One: Lies Upon Lies Upon Lies

10th April 2012:
Hey there, JessiesGirl from the forums here with your first requested review.

I do have to admit, OC stories have never been high on my list of favourites, mainly due to their tendency to stray into the more cliche areas of fiction. on the contrary however i think you've handled Cassie and Logan very well. I'm particularly impressed by the lexical choices you have used to personalise their voices; the dialogue was realistic and flowed smoothly and the slight touch of humour added an attractively light tone to the piece. I also like how you have introduced Cassie to us as readers; her characteristics are made strong and believable through her dimensions and realistic flaw.

The only criticism I could possibly make would be to perhaps consider investing in a beta. I noticed the odd overlooked grammar mistake dotted here and there, nothing too severe or distracting from the content, but prominent enough to notice.

On a more positive note however, I really like the way you have structured the piece. The comfortable range in syntax allows your writing to flow quite beautifully and your pace, for lack of a better word, was perfect.

Good introductory chapter!

x - JessiesGirl - x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a nice review! Ahaha, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I'm really happy that Cassie and Logan came out well; I personally thought they were a bit over-the-top o.o I'll also think about getting a beta.
Anyway, you've been very helpful :D Thanks again!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login