Reading Reviews From Member: Elphaba and Boyfriends
253 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsEverto Trucido (Hidden for edits): Words, Words, Words

18th November 2013:
Hi Elphaba here! Sorry for being so tardy, NaNoWriMo has taken over my life. :)

I like the opening section, where Grace is trying to explain their unique relationship to a less-than-enthusiastic Remus. I did notice one simple proofreading fix, there's an extra "and when" here: "so that I can turn into this wolf completely and when and when I will not turn into this wolf."

I especially like this bit: "Remus and Sirius exchanged looks, as if having an entire conversation of their own."

Aha, I see you've also incorporated some of the new details from Pottermore: "So your father is Lyall Lupin, I assume?" :)

I was a little confused as to why the staircase would be her enemy? "Out of all the enemies she had, Grace felt a particularly strong emotion for the staircase" It seems like plotting against it would be a waste of energy, and I wasn't entirely sure whether this part was supposed to be humorous or not. I could see how irrational anger could be one of her character flaws, and if so it's a very interesting one.

Here are a couple more little editing things I noticed during her encounter with Lily: I'm not 100% sure about: "...speaking unheard words to one another in content," but think "content" should be "contentment." This am sure about: "...she became away of the body crouched down next to her..." away should be "aware."

While she's very independent and has been hunting evil creatures since at least age 14, I found Grace's attitude toward Dumbledore at the beginning of their conversation a little over the top. I would think that, as freaked out as she was when she discovered the scars, she would appear a little more afraid and a little less angry when she asks him for help. Maybe this is just more of her characteristic irrational anger, though? I like that Dumbledore remains calm the entire time, and that she is surprised to learn that he doesn't have all the answers. I think their conversation is very well done once she calms down.

After the lengthy discussion about Remus and lycanthropy, the mention of the separate war that Grace is fighting was a bit jarring: "The vampires have retreated considerably but are holding against the Cruors with vigor." I think it would be helpful to include more details about this war, and an explanation of portal jumping. It would be great if it could be worked into the plot. Might she demonstrate opening a portal to the Marauders to prove herself to them?

Discovering that Severus is Grace's true love came as a surprise, even after having read that they have a daughter in the first chapter. I like surprises! There first interaction certainly doesn't go well. :) I laughed when she kept calling him Snivellous, thinking it's his real name. :)

"She did not deserve him." I hope the last line of this chapter is just her overreaction to his rejection, and not a literal truth!

Author's Response: Hello!

Not a problem, I never mind waiting. Especially when you've come to help me!

Ah, yeah, I guess there were a few errors that I had missed. Thank you for pointing those out, I'll have to give this one another reread.

Grace has the tendency to overreact to situations. The staircase will continuously act as a distraction point for Grace, something to focus on when she's feeling overwhelmed and confused. That specific part could be taken has humorous, but that wasn't the main intention. Her overreaction also caused her to be so aggressive when she approached Dumbledore, but I may have over exaggerated the scene if it is appearing over the top. I'll see if I can rework that a bit, thanks for bringing that to my attention!

Yes, I've been trying to incorporate some things that ground this story to cannon as it is a strong AU. Thus, Lyall Lupin :).

There is more information about the war and portals in the next chapter. I felt the need to split it up a bit as the chapter was getting lengthy. Actually, there's an entire scene dedicated to explanation and another one where Grace is actually in Cruor Terra. Perhaps I need to include a bit more information a little sooner in the story, though.

Oh, I'm happy that you were surprised :). And, no, it didn't go well at all. That's okay though. It wouldn't be very interesting if they hit it off right away. Actually, I don't think it would have been very plausible if they did given Severus' personality and his grudge with her brother. Snivellous was for my own amusement, and seemed like something Grace would mistakenly do.

Oh, yes, more overreaction :). She does that. And will do that.

Thanks so much for your help!


 Report Review

Review #2, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsBreakoff Altitude: Where Amelia lays us out the deets

17th November 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! I apologize for taking so long to write it - NaNoWriMo has been getting the better of me so far.

Okay, so first of all: the plot - I really like your inclusion of the beginnings of the wizarding war, and that so far it is secondary to the personal issues Amelia faces: the aftermath of her one-night stand, and her job search. This seems realistic to me, big problems that don't directly affect us take a back seat to the stuff we're dealing with day to day, until something really big or disastrous happens to catch out attention. The only question I have is whether the year (1968) is a little early to have so many wizards disappearing. It's hard to imagine Harry's parents having somewhat normal school years when the war was already that heated. That's just a question in my mind, though, you could totally prove me wrong. :)

Next, the Quidditch commentary: I think the most interesting section of commentary involves Ike's anti-muggle slurs. I cringed as I read them, which demonstrates that you use use them effectively. I think that Ike's comments are believable after hearing clips of people in real life saying horrible things on TV. The other commentator is never identified, and I think it might be helpful to give him a name to make their back and forth dialog a little more clear. Hmm, I wonder whether Rita Skeeter was involved with the news story about Gideon's muggle girlfriend?

On to characterization: I like Orly and Amelia's banter, and Orly's well-meaning meddling into Amelia's job search. I also like how you show that Amelia has not been acting quite her usual self without making it over-the-top. Amelia seems especially well-developed and likable as a character so far. Towards the end of their conversation about Gideon, I got a little lost as to who was speaking. I think it would be helpful to identify that Orly is asking this question: "Then why say it to a magazine reporter?"

I enjoyed getting to know Amelia a little better in this chapter, and finding out more about the circumstances preceding her waking up in Fabian's bed. I'm most interested in reading more about (in no particular order) her job interview, what will happen next between her and Fabian and what Edgar and the others have been up to during their secret meetings with Dumbledore. I also wonder whether Amelia will tell Orly where she was that morning, or keep it a secret?

Author's Response: We're so glad you liked it! You might be right about it being a little early, but I don't think we'll be heating the war up very quickly at the moment. A lot of the decision to make the story start now was in that we wanted to give Fabian and Gideon enough time to live out their lives before the end we all know is coming to our brave Prewett brothers. When we eventually go and rewrite old chapters (ugh) we'll definitely keep your comments in mind.
Thanks again for all the help

 Report Review

Review #3, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: The Archives at the Hogwarts Library

4th November 2013:
HI, Elphaba here! There are a lot of fascinating things going on this chapter, and I'm not going to mention them all but just a few highlights. It seems like this chapter is important as a sort of turning point.

I like the cameo by Dobby! :) You show an appreciation for House Elves powerful but mysterious magic, and also do a good job capturing his speech patterns: "Oh, Dobby is remembering little Devlin!" I also like the creepy little moment where Dobby seems to pick up on a bad magical vibe from Devlin: "For a moment the elf's face crumbled and a worried line grew between it's eyes..."

I caught a vocabulary issue here, when Devlin is watching Harry on the quid ditch pitch: "Dubhan watched him, because this gesture seemed to engender him to others." I wonder if you meant "endear" instead of "engender?" The meaning of endear would seem to fit better within the sentence.

Once again, I appreciate all the little details you include, like the shrunken broom that Harry pulls out of his pocket. :) I had forgotten that they learned shrinking and un-shrinking potions at Hogwarts. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that they didn't shrink things more often in the books; it would often come in handy!

I didn't recognize the boy described here from the earlier chapters: "The boy had umber brown hair and brown eyes and a smattering of freckles across his cheeks and he reminded Dubhán of someone else." So, I'm not sure whether the incident he recalls had happened earlier in the story and I just forgot about it, or whether he encountered this boy when he was with Voldemort. If it's the latter, I wonder if he speaks up now because he feels guilty for something he did to the earlier boy? That would seem to fit some of the hints he's dropped about his past.

I love Devlin's initial reaction to Hagrid: "...Dubhán had pictured a handsome, charismatic man. Not this." I also love the reference to Tom Riddle's dialog from the series, "I can make them do things, if I want too," and Harry's fearful reaction.

Here's one spelling thing I caught in the section where they go to visit Snape: "This far down there were snacks carved into the stones, wriggling with magic." I assume "snacks" should be "snakes"? :) The scene in Snape's quarters was a treat to read, especially when Snape reminds Harry that his aunt's dog once chased him up a tree.

This realization that Devlin comes to seems like a major theme to the whole story: "Wasn't it entirely possible to hate something even as you clung to it?" This dialog between Harry and Devlin may be my favorite part of this chapter -- though the snarky conversation about the dog may be a close second. :)

And one other spelling error, in the library scene, "Daily Prophet Achieve."

The dates that Devlin looks at in the newspaper archive are the only major issue I found with the chapter: "1999-2000. He would have been four and five that year" Going by Rowling's timeline, Harry would have been 19-20 that year. If Devlin were four and five, then that means Harry would have been 15 when he was born. Unless he became a parent while still at school, that would seem to necessitate a timeline shift of several years. I know this story is AU, but I don't recall such a major time shift being mentioned earlier. (Maybe it was and I just forgot) It seems like an easy fix, though.

Devlin just discovering that Potter had been presented with a body purported to be his own is quite a revelation -- I had thought Geoffrey or another Death Eater might have told Devlin about this at some point. It certainly makes sense that this new knowledge would change Devlin's whole perception of his father and his relationship with both him and Voldemort. This is the part that seems like it could be a major turning point in the story. Will this new knowledge cause a major shift in Devlin's world view?

Author's Response: Thanks about Dobby - it was weird to write him. I felt like Devlin wouldn't yet have much hate for House Elf's if he hadn't seen them, let alone seen them abused. All he knows is that Voldemort doesn't trust them and they aren't right in the head. I thought maybe it would be easier for Dobby to pick up on that kind of thing.

I fixed "engender" to "endear" - not sure how that happened, but endear was what I meant. :)

You have never met this boy before and you have never met the boy that Devlin is reminded of, either. Devlin met him during his time with Voldemort. We won't know how he "wasn't very nice" for a while, though.

Thanks for picking up on the Tom Riddle words. :)

OMG, "snacks" I giggled as I was fixing it. lol

I thought it would be Snape-like to mention the dog, especially in front of Devlin. I am really beginning to enjoy writing him. My favorite is the upcoming 'lesson' with him.

I fixed the 'Archive' misspelling. Also the dates *scratches her head* not sure how that happened. Probably wrote the scene to late and looked up dates from the book and wrote those down instead of the proper ones. In general I suck at math.

I don't imagine Voldemort would have wanted Devlin to know - he would have rather that Devlin felt abandoned by his parents, like he wasn't worth looking for. That Potter had given up on him. Therefore it was Voldemort who hadn't. Voldemort who had ordered him healed. Voldemort who had, in a sense, protected him.

I think this will definitely be a major turning point. Your question is answered in the next couple chapters. :)

Thank you for such a wonderful review!

 Report Review

Review #4, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsFinally Mine: Finally Mine

2nd November 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, I like Kyra's energetic voice. I also like that you don't reveal her situation with Albus right away, you just show that she is upset with him. :)

Watch out for occasional sentence fragments like this one: "The huge dark trees which formed part of the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid's hut at its edge." This sentence just needs a subject at the beginning to be complete.

There are a few minor typos, but the only major spelling issue is that you write "bestfriend" as one word. I've only ever seen it written as two separate words.

This is my favorite line: "The power that Hermione Weasley had on her husband was as scary as Ginny Potter's deadly glare - I can tell from my own experience." That made me laugh. :)

One tip I have with writing mechanics is to break up some of the dialog-heavy paragraphs to make the speakers clear. For example: "'Do you really think that she'll go on a date with you?' Albus asked, snorting. What? Are they arguing about me? 'I think that Kyra has the right to choose whoever she wants to date! Who are you her dad? Or maybe her boyfriend?' Jared retorted." Generally, it's best to start a new paragraph each time you change speakers. I would give Kyra's thoughts their own paragraphs, too, since it's like her brain is talking directly to the reader. :)

Most of your dialog seems natural for teens, but this line of Albus's near the end stuck out, "Boy! How I was wrong!" I don't think I've ever actually heard someone say, "Boy!" like that, so I might just cut that out.

Then, at the very end, when Albus asks Kyra to Hogsmeade, I can't believe that she'd actually be surprised: "My eyes shot open and I stared at him wide-eyed. He's asking me out!" After admitting that they love each other, I think she'd expect them to go together, and her reaction might be something more like, "Of course I will!"

Finally (and this is just an idea that you are totally free to ignore) given that the story begins with Rose worrying about how her dad will react to her relationship with Scorpius, it might be fitting to circle around back to that somehow at the end. Maybe Kyra could suggest the couples all going together to soften the impact of the news?

Congratulations on your first story! I'd be interested to read more of Kyra's adventures. :)

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for the review!

I took all your CC into consideration and actually edited the things that you pointed out. It's actually good to have someone showing me the little errors here and there. Makes me learn about what should be edited and all that.

Thanks again for your constructive review :)

Cee xx

 Report Review

Review #5, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsCareful What You Wish For: Dating Advice

31st October 2013:
Hi Elphaba back!

I really enjoyed this chapter from Oliver's perspective. Up until this point I've been guessing at his feelings based on Dani's perceptions, so it was fun to have the perspective flipped.

I found it funny that Oliver was so concerned about how Bran dating Alicia would effect the Quidditch team. He's so fixated on Quidditch that I think this reaction makes perfect sense for him.

I also like the awkwardness Oliver feels about potentially liking his friend's sister. I wonder whether Bran knows, or suspects?

I especially like the Divination scene, and loved this line: "The words just spilled out of my mouth, like spaghetti." :)

Now I'm left wondering what Dani was thinking when she blushed. :) does she have conflicted feelings about him and Radley? Is she counting on Angus to act as a buffer between her and Oliver on their date?

I'm looking forward to finding out the answers! :)

Author's Response: Hey there! I'm so sorry I've been so slack at review responses! I feel terrible!

I had fun writing Oliver's POV, especially as I've never really done a first person guy's point of view before, and was wondering how I'd do!

Oliver's main trait from the books is that he's Quidditch obsessed so I definitely could forget about that!

Thanks for the lovely review, and sorry for the horrible response - my whole body is like mush today.


 Report Review

Review #6, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsSheer Abandon: Prologue

29th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

After getting to know these characters as adults, it's quite an adjustment to go back to their childhood. :) I like your insight into Tom's motivations to succeed. It's interesting that his assumptions about his parents lineage are backwards. His theory makes a certain kind of sense, though and it fits with the canon that he resents his mother for not stopping her own death. I also find it interesting that he blames his father for his mixed lineage; again the opposite of the truth. I really like these contrasts. :)

This line of Walburga's made me laugh: "If you are not in Slytherin when we get Sorted, then our conversation on the platform and the fact that we share this compartment will be forgotten." I love it!

Of the four main children, Tom is the most developed, and with only the prolog to go in he seems like the protagonist, which is a significant change from the previous version of the story. I d like that he is so well-developed, here. Walburga comes off as a hardcore blood purity advocate, which fits with her portrayal in the earlier version, while Alphard seems like a sweet boy who was born into the wrong family. I think that also fits with what I remember of him.

Fiona is more of a mystery in this version, but I like that we get to peek in on her conversation with the sorting hat.

"I was remarking on how a mother could possibly leave her daughter in the street, abandoned and alone." It's really interesting to me that the hat points this out; I wonder whether it knows more about the situation than she does?

I also like your inclusion of Walburga's rationale to bend their social rules: "I understand the rules dictate that we shouldn't socialize with those who were raised by filth, but if they had been tainted, I am sure they would have been Sorted elsewhere." I like that she is so funny, albeit unintentionally so. Abraxas Malfoy seems like he'll be the butt of a lot of jokes, but I hope to see him developed more, as well.

You asked whether your writing is concise, and I can say that it doesn't feel weighed down by dull or extraneous details. The inclusion of Dumbledore's speech and the sorting hat's song in fanfics usually feel like filler to me, but in this case they seem right at home in the story. If you really wanted to cut your word count you could edit the hat's song, but I don't think it's necessary.

It's hard to say whether this is better than the original, yet. The order of chapters seems like it will be very different, and the main thing I notice so far is how the characters develop as children. I think this will be a positive change. :)

Author's Response: Hi Elphaba! Sorry for the time it's taken me to respond to this review -- I'll be more prompt about responding in the future!

I felt that this would make more sense in the long run, to have their childhood in a prologue instead of flashbacks, so that the more significant flashbacks can have their own chapters and the story could be chronological. It's actually canon that he originally believed his father to be the wizard, and his mother to be the Muggle, because in his opinion, if his mother had been a witch she would have survived. It was when he couldn't find anyone called Tom Riddle in Hogwarts' history that he realised the truth and shunned his name for the persona of Lord Voldemort.

Thank you, I really like that line too! I thought she would say something along those lines, because if she refused and Tom turned out to be far superior to her, she'd have lost her opportunity at ascending the social ladder and tarnished her reputation, yet accepting him into her compartment /was/ a risk for her.

I felt that in the original version, Tom was undeveloped, so I wanted to really shape his character here since his narration doesn't come until later. Walburga and Alphard are indeed very different -- it's marvellous how they're brother and sister! Fee plays quite a major role in this novel, so I didn't want to overwhelm Tom's and Dumbledore's perspectives with too much of hers, too. I feel that the hat is able to see memories; after all, memories define us in some way and the hat is trying to decide which House best defines a person, and the hat saw that incident in her memory -- probably because it would be quite vivid, since something like that is bound to have quite the effect on her.

Walburga likes rational explanations. She can understand, explain and accept things as long as they're rational and justifiable. I'm pleased you think she's funny, and yes -- Abraxas Malfoy will be developed more in this story too.

Thank you, those compliments are great! I'm really pleased that I've accomplished not waffling or going off on a tangent, which I felt like I was doing in the original version. Don't worry, I don't have plans on cutting my word count, I just wanted to make sure the words actually needed to be there. You're correct in thinking that the order of chapters will be different, although the earlier ones will be more or less the same. It's the latter chapters that have received most revisions, and I hope they fulfil your prediction of a positive change, ^.^

 Report Review

Review #7, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsCorbeau: Raven

28th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

Your insight into Cho's view of Cedric's death is poignant and gripping. This line, especially, pulled me in to her state of mind: "To them, you're gone. But I can't believe it. I won't. This isn't real. It's only a nightmare."

I really like how you use present tense to make readers feel like they there are in each moment with Cho. I did find some occasional conflicts between the verb tenses you use, as here: "Then, my feet are moving without knowing where they are taking me; my voice screaming louder than I ever have in my life, yet I was unaware of the piercing shriek escaping my lungs." In this case "I was unaware" doesn't quite fit; you might change it to "I'm unaware."

Here is one other verb tense conflict: "Memories burst through my mind like water flowing through the cracks of a dam that was about to give way." Here, I might just change "was" to "is."

I love Cho's wise words, here: "Life can be cruel. No, not life. Life can beautiful and bitter. It's the people in it that can be cruel." :)

There was one other thing that I might change: "Slowly, years later, I'm starting to escape that creature with such strong hold in my heart." - The statement "Slowly, years later" doesn't quite fit with the feeling of immediacy of the rest of the piece. Perhaps you could begin the sentence with "I'm starting," and let the details in your writing signal to the reader that time has passed.

I got the sense early on in this piece that this could be a letter from Cho to Cedric, and so I was very pleased at the way that she signs it at the end. :)

I was unfamiliar with the lovely song you based this story on before reading it, and was inspired to seek it out and listen to it as a result. Thank you for including the translation of the lyrics in your note!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your helpful review! I will definitely go back and fix those issues. I'm glad you're much better at grammar than I am:P That song is so pretty and I'm happy that people are discovering it:)

Thanks again for your lovely review!

 Report Review

Review #8, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsA Halloween Visit: A Halloween Visit

25th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

I enjoyed this vignette, and think it fits just fine with the series canon. :)

I think you do a good job writing Harry, here. I can definitely imagine him wanting to visit his parents' grave on such a momentous occasion. His pain is certainly understandable, too. I think it also makes sense for him to talk to the graves; he's talked to their spirits with help from the Resurrection stone, so it doesn't seem odd for him to speak aloud to them again, even if he can't see them this time.

One little technical detail: Instead of Harry getting, "an empty grave dug for his fallen godfather," I think he would have just had the memorial stone put up.

Then, this line had me slightly confused because Harry says "miss" twice: "I miss you both, and I miss you all." Did you mean to say something like, "I love you both, and I miss you all?" Otherwise, maybe he would just say, "Happy Halloween, I miss you all."

Although I really like that this story is short and sweet, there is one thing I think you may want to add. That is a specific message from Harry to Sirius. How would Sirius react to Harry's news? Maybe Harry would anticipate Sirius's response and reply to it.

I think you get the wistful tone to this piece just right. Sometimes, trying something different pays off. :) Thanks for sharing!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.

I am pleased you enjoyed this and think it fits with canon.

I tried my best to write Harry well so I am glad it worked for you. It's great that you can imagine something like this happening and that it made sense to you the way he talked to them.

Thanks for pointing that part about the memorial stone, I'll go back and change =)

Oh oops, I didn't realise that, it was a typo. It was supposed to be "I love you both, and I miss you all." yeah xD

Ah that sounds like a nice idea. I'll incorporate Harry talking to Sirius for sure when I edit.

I am glad you liked it, thanks for your valuable feedback!

 Report Review

Review #9, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsOnce More We Fight: Prologue

25th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

I love the premise that you establish in the story summary: evil is afoot a generation after Voldemort's downfall. :)

You develop a dark and creepy tone from the very beginning of the prolog, and keep the suspense up through to the very end.

There were a couple of vocabulary issues that jumped out at me. The first is, "Williamson rushed forward and fought back the urge to throw up the contents of his intestines when he saw what was lying in front of them." I think "intestines" should be "stomach," because I don't think you can actually throw up your intestinal contents.

The other one I noticed is, "They formed trails in the snow and branched out like distributaries of a river;" I think you mean "tributaries," here.

Also, I thought this line here was a little repetitious, and didn't fit the overall tone as well: "Like sick, splintered pink rubies."

The old woman who Teddy Lupin encounters at the end is especially spooky. I think she provides the best chill in the prolog. I love your vivid description of her voice here, "her throat opening up in a croaky, uneven whisper. She had been accustomed to silence and her voice had been stored away in her larynx, like an old music box in a dust coated attic."

This is also very creepy: "'Maggie Bagshot.' Her whisper clashed with the sound of the closing window, but the winds carried her words up to Teddy Lupin's ears..." :)

I'm left with many questions at the end of this chapter, which I assume is by design. Is she related to Bathilda Bagshot? Is she alive or a ghost? And what did she see, exactly? Does she know who the bodies were?

The story is very intriguing so far! :)

 Report Review

Review #10, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsCareful What You Wish For: Making the Bet

21st October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with another review!

I like all the action during the DADA class. You do a great job of describing Dani and Radley's duel.

One tip for this section: "A sight for sore eyes" means that you're glad to see someone; I assume that here you mean to say that Dani thinks she must look terrible: "I probably looked a sight for sore-eyes."

I really like the girls' dialog in their dormitory that night. This especially, because it's so familiar: "'Shut up, Kat,' my sister echoed, in a mocking voice." It always drove me nuts when my sister mocked me like that. :) I can hear Kat's nasty tone.

I also really like the dialog about compliments on the quidditch pitch. :) I think you get Fred and George just right in this scene. It's telling that Oliver points out Dani's flying ability -- almost as if he's reminding her that they went flying together before she dueled with Radley.

Hmm, if I remember correctly, Dani may end up having to do whatever Oliver tells her for a day. I'm sure he'll go easy on her, though. :)

Author's Response: Hey there!

Ooh, I'm glad you thought so - for me, writing the duel was so terrifying!

Wow, I didn't have notice that - thanks for pointing it out!

Yes, the mocking! My twin sister and I are always doing doing it to each other and it drives both of us insane.

Oh, I'm glad you think I got Fred and George right! I really enjoyed writing them!

Thanks for the review!


 Report Review

Review #11, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsAll Bets Are Off: Bets, Awkward Encounters and Prongs

20th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here again with your requested review!

I like you idea to switch to Sirius's POV for this chapter. I like getting to see his contrasting version of events. The he-said/she-said conflict adds humor and drama to the story.

There were a couple of spots where I was not sure who was speaking. Here is one of them: "He smirked. 'Yes. Losing ... must give you a fair appetite shouldn't it?' I growled. 'First, I want to point out that it's been a month. How's everyone on their bets?'" I think it's best to place a paragraph break any time you switch from one character's dialog to another, just to make it crystal clear who is saying what. "He smirked," would seem to refer to Remus, while "I growled," would have to be Sirius. The presence of both pronouns makes the identity of the speaker(s) unclear.

Speaking of Remus, I know he turned a blind eye to his friends' bad behavior, but spurring them on with rather mean bets doesn't really seem in-character. I think James would be more likely to come up with the bets for Sirius, and Remus would just resignedly go along with them.

There a lot of really funny moments in this chapter. For instance, Sirius's complaining about his privates being put on display for the giant squid made me laugh. :) So did the moment where Peter shook Sirius out of his head space.

Their panic at Lily's discovery of the bet is also funny, as well as the Marauders Dictionary. :)

I think the humor is the best aspect of this chapter!

Author's Response: Hi!

Okay, I was planing on rewriting some of those scenes anyhow as soon as NaNo's done, but thanks for pointing those out so I know exactly what to look for! :)

And yes, now that you mention it, Remus would just kind of go along with it normally, but I think he's trying to do this to prove to Sirius that Sirius isn't all that he thinks he is. Does that make sense? When I redo these chapters, I'll try and make that clearer. Remus is really just trying to knock some sense into Sirius and deflate his ego.

But, I guess that doesn't really translate... But I fix it for you! and Others of course, but mainly you because you pointed it out ;)

Yay about humor! I really wanted this fic to be funny, so I'm glad you liked that!

Thanks so much for taking the time to do this, it was very insightful, useful, helpful, and appreciated!


 Report Review

Review #12, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Chapter 1

20th October 2013:
I really like your portrayal of Minerva McGonagall in this chapter. :) I think you get her reading and vacation habits spot-on. I also like her expressions, such as, "Oh, Merlin's fallen arches."

Ophelia is enjoyably kooky, and I suppose it is her transfiguration skills that allow McGonagall to tolerate her kookiness? :)

It's still a little early to have gotten a feel for the time period; the only reference to time so far is that Sadie survived the death of her parents seven years ago. Judging by her current age (16) I'm guessing that they were killed after Voldemort's downfall.

I want to know more about Charlie and Jenny McLaughlin, and I suppose that is by design. I'm guessing that the details of their tragic end and how Sadie survived in the intervening years will be parceled out over time? :)

Thanks for another enjoyable chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for another great review.

It was fun to write Minerva in a more relaxed situation, so it's nice to hear people liked my portrayal of her.

In my head, sometimes opposites attract, which is my justification for the friendship between Minerva and Ophelia. Kind of a think excuse, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And yes, it is probably very hard to tell the time period of the story. I think that is revealed in the next chapter, so I guess my request was more long term. If you don't mine me re-requesting, maybe you will get a chance to comment more on that.

Oh, and you are correct in guessing that Sadie's parents were killed after Voldemort's downfall.

Glad you want to know more! Makes my day. :D

Also, I think I was a little whiny in my last response and I didn't mean that. I probably sounded really lazy, not wanting to do everything I can to make my stories better. Sorry about that.

Thanks so much for reading, and for giving two reviews! That was so very kind of you!

 Report Review

Review #13, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsGravel on the Ground: From the Ashes: Prologue

19th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

So far, after just the first chapter, I do find your OC compelling enough to want to keep reading. I haven't gotten far enough to know whether it fits with the timeline, but I'm definitely interested to find out. I think your exceptions to the canon and addition of abilities from Charmed are intriguing, and am curious to see how you use them throughout the story.

And now on to the critique. :)

"The rain was pouring" - I say this an awful lot, but it's true: you can easily tighten up your writing by getting rid of passive verbs. Instead of "was pouring," you could say "The rain poured."

"It didn't block the rain entirely, but it was lessened in its force." Here, you could change the second half of this sentence to, "but lessened its force."

I really like your vivid descriptions of the characters: "In the shadows outside of a deli a young girl crouched, huddled inside a ragged sweatshirt that did nothing to keep out the rain." And also, "She was dressed in a baggy pair of overalls, a bright green bathrobe, pink galoshes, and a black hat adorned by flamingos." I could easily picture both characters, and even feel the rain and cold.

Be wary of letting the descriptions overwhelm the story, however. While you evoke powerful imagery in this next example, it does turn into a run-on sentence: "Trying to ignore the hunger gnawing at her stomach, she weaved and dodged between the crowds of umbrella-bearing people who were hurrying to their destinations with heads down, anxious to be warm and dry." You might pare this sentence down to its essence, something like: "Trying to ignore her hunger, she weaved between the umbrella-bearing crowds who hurried with heads down, anxious to be warm and dry."

I also like the revelation at the end that the strangely dressed woman is an animagus! You end on a cliffhanger that makes it tough to stop reading - always a good sign, in my opinion. :)

Author's Response: Hey there! So sorry I'm very late in responding to this amazing review. Oct/Nov are very busy months in my job and I'm only starting to slow back down and find time for non-real life things again.

It makes me very happy to know that after the prologue, which I know is very short, you want to keep going. I know it was probably hard to comment too much, given there wasn't much to work with in this chapter, but knowing you want to read more is comforting.

I have to admit, your review has sort of given me a writing crisis. Let me explain, lest you think I didn't appreciate the review, because I really did.

I'm sure at some point in my school life, I learned the difference between active and passive verbs. But over the years I guess I let it fade to blissful oblivion in the back of my mind and stopped worrying about it. I actually had to go on the internet and do a little research to make sure I understood your suggestions correctly.

I wasn't happy with what I found. After half an hour or so of reading up on the subject, and realizing how frowned upon passive verbs are in writing, and then going back my story, I realized it's completely FULL of them! All over the place!

And I had no idea. It's such a part of my writing style, I never realized it was wrong. I should have, but I didn't. (In fact, I'm SO used to using them, I think this review response is full of them as well!)

And now I don't know what to do. Now that I'm aware of what they are, I could certainly start fixing them from here on out, but I'm pretty sure the change would be noticable in my writing style, jaring with earlier chapters. So, I'd need to go back and edit everything already up, and I'll be honest, the thought of ALL that work, when I have so little free time to give to this hobby in the first place just makes me tired.

I'd ask you what you suggest, but I know you can't respond to review response.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that your critique wasn't falling on deaf ears. That I gave what you said serious thought, but I honestly haven't figured out what to do yet.

I AM very glad that you enjoyed the story so far. I am having fun writing it and exploring the characters. And I do try to work on my descriptions. So that was nice to hear. (Run-ons noted. Will work on that.)

Thanks so much for reading and forcing me to think.

 Report Review

Review #14, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsDevlin Potter: Riddle and Rescue: Professor for a Day

14th October 2013:
Hi! As usual, I have been a bit slow about posting my review. :)

Devlin's comparison of Dumbledore's and Voldemort's offices is funny ... and accurate, I think! I've never thought about Voldemort having an office before, but I suppose he would have one, and it makes perfect sense that he would keep it very orderly.

I love how Devlin asserts himself here: "I kept me. If I wasn't me I wouldn't be alive!" He was a victim of kidnapping, but he's not only a victim; he kept his identity even as he was manipulated. This is obviously important to him, as I think it would be to anyone.

I think this detail is an interesting creation: "You must not be seen by men wearing white robes." I like the idea of Aurors wearing a uniform, especially one that is the opposite of the Death Eaters' costumes. White robes couldn't be helpful for undercover work, but like Muggle police there could be a combination of uniformed and plainclothes Aurors. :)

I wondered about this: "I am the only Ministry official licensed to cast or give permission to cast, the unforgivables..." Wouldn't it make more sense for a small group of trusted officials to be licensed, just in case something happened to one of them?

These two sentences are a bit repetitive, and you could probably collapse them into one: "The green-cloaked Slytherin's were mainly regarding him. Their eyes flickered from Potter and Remus, but remain regarding him longer."

I like that for his demonstration of the unforgivables, Harry transfigured the knut to look like Peter Pettigrew. I suppose that's how he mustered the willpower to perform the Imperius and Avada Kedavra curses. ;) It couldn't have hurt Remus's ability to do the Cruciatus, either, even if he didn't entirely mean it.

One final note, I noticed a spelling error at the very end, "gallon" instead of "galleon": "Potter took a gallon from his pocket this time."

Well, as usual, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! I will try to get to the next one in a more timely fashion. :)

Author's Response: I think I'm getting a sense of you're timing, though. I just checked for this review an hour before it actually appeared. lol. :)

I had a laugh at the office idea, too. Devlin uses the same metaphor in the next chapter in a funny/morbid sort of way.

Thanks for picking up on Devlin's "I kept me" theme - I think it's already played an important part, but will play an even larger one was we go forward. He has never truly stopped to consider himself a victim, I don't think. A favorite quote of mine from a future chapter seems to sum this up (no spoilers, don't worry): "The faintest possibility that he was right had always been enough to make Dubhán persist at something as seemingly futile as keeping [removed for spoiler]. "

I think if we recall that Devlin was six when he was kidnapped, it seems logical that Voldemort would give him very concrete orders at first. No, it would not protect him from all Auror's, but if the camps as raided, Devlin would likely know them (like a muggle swat team).

On the note of Unforgivables. That does make sense and that is kinda what I intended for the reader to think. Harry is the only one licensed to GIVE PERMISSION to cast the unforgivables. I imagine that people that he trusts such as Ron, have permission to cast them when necessary. I kinda imagined it was a responsibility that went along with being Head Auror and that if something where to happen to Harry this responsibility would be magically transferred to whoever is next in line to the position.

I will look into those two sentences.

Yes, I thought that it was a bit more believable that way, with the rat and it looking like Peter. I thought I snuck that in very nicely. ;-) And that it would be like Devlin to think first at the failure to make the rat perfect and then to have a hint of curiosity at the end of his thought - the rest of the rat was flawless.

Good catch on the Galleon - thank you!

Well, as usual, I thoroughly enjoyed your review and don't really mind how long it takes to get another fabulous review. ;) THANKS SO MUCH!

 Report Review

Review #15, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsIn Sickness And In Health: Information

13th October 2013:
Hello, Elphaba back again! I really enjoyed Blaise and Pansy's visit in this chapter.

One thing I would have liked is a little more physical description of the two of them. Pansy, especially, since I don't already have a strong mental image of her.

I have a couple little grammar things to point out. First: "Pumpkin juice poured and half drank later..." I understand what you mean, but the phrase "half drank later" sounds a little awkward. I think simply removing "later" would make it grammatically correct, and readers would still understand that a little time has passed.

One other thing: "This was the story in which I was told." In this case, "in which" should be "that."

I like how Draco prods his friends for information, and also that Hermione is eavesdropping from the next room. I like that you keep them in character: she's smart enough to make up something about Quidditch after revealing presence, and Draco is smart to play along. :)

I think I'm almost as surprised as Draco that the Dark Lord would have preferred His death to his father's. In the last two books it seemed that all the Malfoys were in a bit of trouble, so I wonder whether something happened to get Lucius back in his good graces? This story is slightly AU, so it's perfectly reasonable to assume so. I would like to get more information about the relationship between the Malfoys and the Dark Lord at some point in this story. :)

I think Pansy's reaction to Hermione is a perfect blend of hostility and matter-of-factness: "Mudblood got hit too, didn't she? She doesn't look like she's healing faster than you, Draco. She looks like hell." :)

I also like that Draco thinks of his mother's feelings, and decides that she would like Pansy's company. This seems spot-on.

I found it a little far-fetched that Hermione was able to break Draco's nose so easily -- unless it's a lingering effect of the curse. I've experienced some hard knocks that resulted in a lot of blood but no breakage. If the curse is still at work, then they should probably reference it in their dialog. If not, then maybe Draco could claim that it's broken and Hermione could tell him not to be a baby as she tends to it. Either way, they'll still bicker and get his shirt off! :)

Author's Response: Helo once again :D

I'm glad you liked their visit , as I was a bit blah about how i wrote them, so i'm glad it came out good :)

I did just change that sentence, as I realized it didn't make much sense haha.

Typical Hermione and Draco antics huh :P I wanted them to still be themselves, and what better way to show it then in a situation like this one! :P

There is something that Lucius did to get him back in the Dark Lord's good graces, which is semi explained in the next chapter, definitely worth a read ;)

Yeah, I wanted Pansy to be her normal disgusted self, but also know that there is a lot more going on then hatred at school, but the dislike still had to be there.
We learn more about Pansy and Narcissa later on, which aids with the plot (hehe hiints :P)

I acually read this and then changed around some things! His nose is more broken, but i do explain how the sickness has weakened them and does end up able to break his nose. Hehe thought it was a good way to begin some sexual tension :P

Than you again, really appreciate this :)

 Report Review

Review #16, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsIn Sickness And In Health: Repercussions

12th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back!

Draco's ominous dream made me very curious ... Could Hermione be sicker than him, or is it just a sign that he cares for her?

This chapter flows nicely, and grammar is pretty clean throughout, however there's one sentence fragment here that stuck out: "One aspect in particular was really driving him batty. Not knowing if he would be punished once he returned to the 'real world ' for turning his back on the Dark Lord was a thought that had begun to plague his mind more then he wished." I might change the period after "batty" to a colon to join these two sentences into one. Then, since it would be a very long sentence, I would place a period after "Dark Lord." To complete the last sentence, I would add "This" right before "was."

I really like that they spend their time in the house discussing the curse and trying to figure out what happened to them. "They would usually converse about the curse that Bellatrix used, trying to decipher what it was and what it did to them." It'd be neat if you included some of these conversations, even just a little taste. Would he tease her for her dogged research, even as he admires her for it? Would she prod him to read more, even as she appreciates his willingness to help?

I also like that you include details about Draco's stress over his fate, and Hermione's stress over not being able to help Harry and Ron. Her idea to glean information from Pansy and Blaise seems like a good one. How will she try to do this if Draco wants her to lay low? Will she just come right out and ask them? Or eavesdrop on their conversation in secret?

I like that she and Draco are still bickering at the end of this chapter, despite their mutual attraction, that seems realistic. :)

Moving on to the next chapter...

Author's Response: Hiii! I am very slowly getting through the reviews, I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond!

Thank you for reviewing once again, I really appreciate these :)

Oo.. an insight into what could be the future??? You'll have to keep reading :P

I get what you mean with that sentence fragment, I will change that. It does seem to flow more better with the change that you mentioned. I will go and sort that out :)

I never though of adding in specifics like that, it would definitely help! I will add those :)

I wanted to add some inner thoughts with them that seem normal, so we can see that they would still be in their own worlds, as these are big problems for them.
Guess you'll just have to read the next chapter huh. :P

Aww, awesome, glad they sound good :) Thank you :D

 Report Review

Review #17, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsCareful What You Wish For: Quidditch Practise

11th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here! This was another solid chapter.

I enjoyed the conversations in the library and great hall as well as the confrontation on the quidditch pitch. You write consistently good dialog and description.

While it's very strong overall, I did find a few things I might change. The first thing is your description of the bright morning: "To my absolute delight, Saturday morning dawned bright and clear, not a cloud in the sky. The sun wasn't too bright either, which made for perfect flying conditions." These two sentences seem to contradict each other, because if there are no clouds then isn't it going to be very bright? Maybe you could say that there are just a few puffy white clouds in the sky?

The second is just a typo during the quidditch practice: "I flew over to the three goalposts I was meant to be guarding, hovered in front of the mirror one and waited for Roger's whistle." I think "mirror" I supposed to be "middle."

Here is another little typo: "I wasn't going to tolerate any more of Filch's rubbish this year." I assume "Filch" should be "Flint."

Then there is one sentence where I think you could replace some passive verbs with more active, vivid ones: "It was a great feeling as the three Chasers came barreling towards me at high speed, being able to quickly swoop to the left goal post and catch the Quaffle before it was able to go in." You might get rid of "being able" and "able to go" in favor of more present tense verbs like "barreling." The sentence could go like: "...quickly swooping to the left goal post and catching the Quaffle before it sailed through."

I like your inclusion of the starfish and stick from "Quidditch Through the Ages." :) it's a nice touch.

I also really like that Dani invited Oliver to fly with her, on her broom, and he accepts. :) It came as a bit of a surprise, but I appreciate how they share a love of quidditch and flying. I wonder where it will lead next? ;)

I didn't see this chapter as filler so much as character development, and the spells the use on the Slytherins are also really funny (love the bat bogey hex). :)

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you for coming back with another great review.

Erm...that's a little embarrasing about the contradiction, I did NOT pick up on that until now, so THANK YOU! I will definitely go back and change that, haha. And thanks for pointing out those typos.

Anyway, thanks for the review - I would make my response longer but then you'd have to endure endless 'thank you for pointing that out' and 'I'm glad you...' I'm not a very original person!


 Report Review

Review #18, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsEverto Trucido (Hidden for edits): The Big Bad Wolf

9th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back!

Okay, this scene, this discussion between Grace and Anne about turning her into a toad to bring to Hogwarts is the one that I think should open your story! The humor is a great hook, and I like seeing Grace as a student.

I would like to learn a little more about Noctars and Grace's special gifts. Where do they come from? Are there other witches and wizards with these abilities? How will she explain them to her new classmates at Hogwarts? I do like the bits you include about her connection to werewolves. :)

Grace seems to toss this line out a little too casually, "The only clear thing I can see is how some of these people die, anyway." I'd think that seeing other peoples' deaths would be very upsetting, as it was for Gretchen. Wouldn't she feel nervous about meeting people who she knows will die so young? Would she struggle with her desire to warn them, even if she knows she can't change their fates?

I like the chaotic scene before the sorting ceremony, as well. The moment where she picks up a first year made me smile, and McGonagall's reaction is spot on.

Next, I absolutely love your vivid description of Remus's scent! :) So many writers forget to include sensory details like sound, taste, touch and smell. The idea of the Servator is intriguing, a well. This is another detail that I'd like to learn more about, although I think it might add more suspense to the story if we didn't know at this point that Grace would not be his true love. Although I understand the importance of establishing that she's seen visions of them already, it would be really interesting for her to not know everything. That way, readers could see her discover and react to some I these events as the story progresses.

How would she feel, for instance, to discover that Peter would betray her brother only after getting to know him?

Speaking of her brother, I think that her first meeting with James might be more emotional for both of them. She's seen him in visions, but she hasn't met in person and he's never seen her. I think their relationship might be very complex, especially since she knows that he will die. She may not spontaneously hug him like she hugged Remus (and I think that hug might make James jealous) but I think they'd have a lot they'd want to talk about.

I like Sirius's reaction at the end; he just takes everything in with laid-back stride and a clever quip. :)

I hope my comments are helpful! I am interested in checking out chapter three; if you don't see a review for it within a few days then feel free to prod me with re-request. :)

Author's Response: Yes, this is extremely helpful!

I suppose I need to focus a bit more on her feelings and reactions to her visions than just the fact that she's had them. I also agree that it would be more exciting if I saved some of the information from Grace and pepper it into the story as it progresses.

I believe more in-depth information on Grace's powers is in what was going to be the seventh chapter, which seems a bit off at this point.

There is some discussion between Grace and James in the sixth chapter but perhaps I need to drop that in a bit earlier.

Thank you so much for taking the time to review this! I am seriously considering your suggestion about putting the first chapter where it belongs in chronological order as it may clear up some confusion!


 Report Review

Review #19, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsEverto Trucido (Hidden for edits): The Trial

9th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! I've read the first two chapters, so I will leave some comments on the next one, too.

This probably isn't what you want I hear after rewriting your chapter multiple times, but I think you might actually hook more readers if you begin with your second chapter, and let the story unfold in chronological order.

The reason for this is not the way it's written, but rather the enormous amount of new information it contains. Characters who have died in various ways at various times are suddenly alive, several new characters have been introduced, and your OC, Grace, has abilities that are different from the story canon. It may be easier for readers to digest all this new information of it were parceled out over time as the story unfolds.

I don't mean to discourage you at all! The idea of all these beloved characters coming back to life is intriguing (who wouldn't want their favorite characters back?) and your description of Grace - cut up, bloody and *smiling* - is quite gripping. :)

I am interested to find out how everyone got to this point, and to learn more about Grace's abilities, I think I just may want to learn about them before getting to this scene!

Moving on to chapter two...

Author's Response: That's actually an idea that I had not even considered. My intention was to create some kind of mysterious beginning that would intrigue the reader. I may have just caused more confusion this way...

This is defiantly an idea that I will have to consider.

Thank you SO much!


 Report Review

Review #20, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsJust Seventeen: Victoire's Goodbye

7th October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here!

Despite the length, I got through this chapter very quickly. It didn't feel like 6000+ words at all. :)

I really like this line from the scene at the apothecary: "... It was odd, she thought, how unimportant childhood memories seemed to surface at apocalyptically important moments." It's true, I think.

There are so many Weasley cousins that I had trouble remembering who is who during the Christmas section. I realize this would make the chapter even longer, I think it would be helpful to have a few more details about them - like their ages and whose kids they are.

I like Teddy's reaction: "'How? When?' Teddy mumbled in confusion, stealing a glance at Victoire. 'Sorry,' he added quickly." It's funny because it's so natural to think 'how did that happen?' even when the answer is obvious. :) I like that Fleur asks the same question, though she reacts out of anger rather than shock.

I also really like the flashbacks that show the warm relationship Victoire shared with Grandma Molly, as well as Vic's current longing to have her grandmother there to support her.

Chapter 3 isn't validated yet, but feel free to re-request once it is!

Author's Response: Hi Elphaba!

Wow, that's fabulous to hear! If only I'd managed to write it so quickly too :P

I like that line too - I've had those kinds of moments too, so I added it in for realism.

Personally, the Weasley cousins make sense to me - perhaps I've memorized the family tree, but I automatically know which child belongs to whom. I'll re-read this chapter and see if I can add a couple more details in, though :)

Heh. I'm really pleased that you felt their reactions were natural, because that was what I was aiming for.

Aww yes, the relationship that Molly and Victoire had is really sweet, and I'm glad you felt the flashbacks added to the story.

I definitely will! :D

 Report Review

Review #21, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsThe Worst: A Ray of Light

4th October 2013:
Hello, Elphaba here!

Wow, this chapter is certainly explosive! I was happy to see the big showdown between Dom and her boss. Delilah is really nuts, I think.

I was a little confused, though, about Delilah's "cabin" where the big confrontation takes place. Is a cabin the same as a cubicle or office? Both cabin and office are mentioned during the scene, so I wasn't site whether it was a mistake or not.

I noticed a few mechanical issues, a couple of them in this sentence: "All color drained off Delilah's face for a moment as she looked at the three men, before she rearranged her expression into one of politely confused." Instead of "drained off," I think "drained from" would work better. I think Delilah's expression would also be one of "polite confusion."

Finally, one nit picky spelling thing, in "pensive" should be "pensieve." My autocorrect thinks it should be pensive, so that's probably what happened there. :)

I like that Delilah plays innocent at first, and puts up a fight against the charges. I think the threat I the verity serum must have been what really caused her to panic and slip up.

It's also really good to see that Dom sees hope for herself at the end of the chapter. :)

Author's Response: Hey! It's always a pleasure to hear from you.

I am pleased you liked the chapter, and the big "showdown". Delilah is definitely nuts haha.

Cabin is the same as a cubicle/office yeah. In my country, we often refer to an office/cubicle/workspace as a cabin (in English) but maybe it's not a popular word everywhere else.

Thanks for pointing out that little sentence phrasing issue there. English is not my native language so I tend to make mistakes like these often, so thank you for pointing it out, I can now fix it =)

Uh yeah I think my autocorrect did that, lol. I'll go back and edit.

Yeah the veritaserum sure caused her panic. I am glad you liked the way she reacted. I am pleased you liked the end as well.

Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #22, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsPicking Up the Pieces: Lonely

2nd October 2013:
Picking Up The Pieces
Chap 4

Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

I think you get the slightly hostile banter between Draco and Anaxandra just right in this chapter. It's perfectly paced and I found their exchanges to be entertaining rather than irritating. :)

There's one cliche phrase, "... she was beginning to see red," that I think could be removed. You provide ample descriptive details (cheeks growing warm, slouching like a child) to show that she is angry.

I noticed a few editing hiccups here and there that don't really interfere with the flow, and one run-on sentence that does: "Again, this was a plan that had a very slim chance of working, seeing as her and Draco weren't on the best of terms and the rules she had already laid out to him strictly stated that there would be no pleasantries exchanged, things could get complicated." I get the overall idea here, but the pieces don't all work together. I think you could clarify things by putting a period after "working."

I like Anaxandra's self-assessment a lot: "when you strip away its freedom, its ability to hunt and prowl, and its pack, you take away what makes it a wolf and you are left with nothing but a mangy dog." I think you reveal a lot about her character here. :)

I also really like how the chapter ends, with them silently enjoying each other's presence as they eat. I assume this assignment will put further strain on Draco's relationship with Astoria; I hope to see that addressed in the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

It's been a while since I've gone back and read what I've written before to make sure I didn't have any run-on sentences, etc, but I just haven't had the motivation :( Sorry about that.

I had no idea that was a cliche phrase, and I always say her cheeks are growing warm so I decided to stray away from that phrase.

Glad there were some things you liked, and I'll address other things right away.

 Report Review

Review #23, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsAll Bets Are Off: Quidditch, Bludgers and Cartwheels

1st October 2013:
Hi, Elphaba here (at long last, sorry for the delay) with your requested review!

Lexi is a really complex character, and I like that a lot! I have a couple of suggestions, but first I have a couple of notes on quidditch.

First, while one of the movies mentions that James Potter played seeker, Rowling had said in at least one interview that he was a chaser, and that's what most people accept as canon. The other thing is the dirty play that you mention during their game. "...Aiming the bludger at players who weren't playing, such as our keeper and our seeker, they hit the ruddy balls when we had our backs turned ... one of our chasers, was lucky to keep her skull intact as she dipped when the other Gryffindor beater ... narrowly missed her with his bat." - I don't think aiming the bludgers at the seeker and keeper is dirty play (from the descriptions in the books it seems pretty normal) but aiming the bat at someone's head definitely would be. Other dirty tactics could include grabbing other players, interfering with other players' brooms, and using wands against opponents.

I like that Lexi has an attitude, but while I sympathize with her and can understand her anger, she is so mean to Lily! If she continues to slap and call Lily names (after she tried to help her) then I can imagine readers losing sympathy for her.

The last critique I have with this chapter is that I am troubled by Dumbledore letting Amos Diggory go unpunished for punching Lexi. Sure, there were scuffles that went unpunished in the books, but only when they went unwitnessed by the professors. It seems clear that Amos's unprovoked attack was reported to Dumbledore, and it seems off for him to refer to it as a "mishap." It also seems off for him to gently remind Amos to keep his distance from Lexi. While Dumbledore always had a lot of tolerance for the kinds of fights that Harry as Draco got into (and even they got detentions) this situation is different and I think his reaction would be stronger.

All that said, I am curious to know what will happen next. How will the characters react to Lexi slapping Lily? Will Amos leave Lexi alone? What will convince Sirius to pursue her? I'm also curious to learn more about Lexi's history, and about what happened to her father and sister. There's definitely a lot going on with her, and I appreciate that you've developed her so thoroughly!

Author's Response: Hi!
Okay, where to start...
The James thing is actually explained in a later chapter. I completely know all about James being a chaser, but I wanted to incorporate the snitch thing from Snape's Worst Memory, so hopefully, if you ever read that chapter and review it, you'll understand.
The beaters thing is actually true for the keeper part. I own 'Quidditch Through The Ages' and one part stuck. I'm taking this from a Wikipedia article, but basically:
"Bumphing: Beaters must not hit Bludgers toward spectators, or the Keeper, unless the Quaffle is within the scoring area (in the first film, however, Marcus Flint, a Chaser, commits this foul with a Beater's bat, and Madam Hooch does not penalise him for it)."
The seeker thing I'll redo.
The Lily thing is something that will come into play a little later on. Basically, I was tired of everyone thinking Lily had no faults other than being friends with Snape and in my fanfic, she's a little gossipy.
The Dumbledore thing, I'm working on. My weakest thingy in this whole bubble of weak thingies. It's just... weak and... gah! It's my horrible writing at work.
And yay! I developed Lexi well! Double yay!

 Report Review

Review #24, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsIn Sickness And In Health: Perseverance

29th September 2013:
Hi, Elphaba back again!

I really like the first section of this chapter, where Hermione attempts to write a letter to Harry. One tip, since you're writing from Hermione's perspective as she struggles with what she should write, you might change 'does' in the following sentences to 'should': "Hermione couldn't decide what to write. Does she explain the situation? Or does she write a minimal amount and leave all information for when they arrive?"

It's nice to see Hermione and Draco adjust to being stuck together in the house. I like the little jibe Hermione gets in, in advance of Harry and Ron's visit: "'but please Malfoy, I'm asking nicely, don't be ... yourself.'" :)

One thing I wonder about is whether they would ever discuss what what might be happening outside the walls of the cottage. Would they speculate about what is happening with the wizarding war? Would they express concerns about their families? I'd be interested to see these types of discussions.

I think you get Ron's reaction to Hermione living with Malfoy just right. :) Harry's calmer reaction makes sense, too. I can't imagine that Blaise and Pansy's visit will be as civil (poor Hermione) but we shall see...

Author's Response: Hi hi! Thank you for reviewing! I am so so sorry i have taken so long to get back to you! Uni is really busy right now.

I didn't think about that tense, so thank you for picking it up! On the next edit (which is always around the corner, i edit these chapters like every two weeks!) I will change that.

Hehe, I like it too! I thought it worked with Hermione and Draco still having that somewhat distance between the two of them. But also shows that they know more of each other than they are willing to let on..o :P

That is actually a very good idea!! I was going to put more of that later on, as there is a bit of a bombshell in a chapter or so, but I may be able to incorporate some into this chapter. Thank you for picking it up :D

Ohhh yay! I 'm glad you think so :D I love writing those two but they can be so hard t get right!

Thank you again! Your review was very helpful :D

Grace :D

 Report Review

Review #25, by Elphaba and BoyfriendsIn Sickness And In Health: Healing in Hell?

29th September 2013:
Chapter 2

Hi Elphaba back!

I like all the details you put into describing everything Hermione feels and experiences as she wakes up. One tip I have is to streamline your writing by getting get rid of the verb "was" whenever possible. Here's one example, "Her head was aching, like her brain was pounding against her skull..." I think you could also remove "like" from your description of her headache without confusing readers. The edited sentence may go something like this: "Her head ached from her brain pounding against her skull..."

The hostile dialog between Hermione and Draco in the kitchen cracked me up. :) I especially liked this line, "'You look awful Malfoy, what happened to you?'"

There are also a few places where you may want to play around with word and phrase order to clarify the order in which things happen. Here, for instance, "Hermione took this opportunity as Draco got up to grab something from the pantry to look at him." I might move, "Draco got up to grab something from the pantry," to the beginning of the sentence, because it happens first. Then I would add, "and Hermione took this opportunity to look at him," as it happens second.

I love the name of Dr. Cartwright's clinic: "St. Mungo's Unknown Disease and Rehabilitation Clinic." I don't recognize it from the books, so kudos to you for inventing it! :)

I thought that it was out of character for Hermione to collapse out of fear of Malfoy, but after learning the details of her illness and how weak she is it makes sense.

Hmm, the fact that Draco and Hermione have been put in the same safe house to heal together makes me think that the circumstances of their being cursed (him trying to help protect her) are well known. The doctors cryptic statements about the war situation being too stressful to share with them makes me think it must still be going on. I can imagine Hermione soon becoming very frustrated about being left in the dark if this is the case. Maybe she hopes to get the facts from Harry and Ron? ... I suppose I will need to keep reading to discover tell whether my guesses are correct? ;)

I will get to the next chapter very soon!

Author's Response: Hello! SO so so sorry its taken me so long to get back to you, life has been crazy, and is finally settling down, at least for this week :P

I usually suck at description, so I am happy that you think it is good :) Your ideas are really good! I will look into my writing and see where I can include that sentence, thank you :D

Aw good! I wanted to make them hostile but also reserved and afraid, so I'm glad it came across well. They are hard to write those two!

I will look into my sentence structure, it usually only consists of long sentences so i will change it up a bit :D

Hehehe keep on reading and much more shall be revealed!!
Thank again for reviewing and waiting so long for a response :D


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>