Reading Reviews From Member: Kwan
38 Reviews Found

Review #1, by KwanOblivious: Meet the Redhead

20th May 2012:
Tagging from the Slytherin review thread!

This was a good start with a decent premise. There's nothing wrong with your writing, but there were a lot of formatting issues that made it difficult to read. Paragraphs that weren't double spaced and the strange breaks sort of disrupted the flow and made it difficult to read sometimes.

Otherwise, I like the character of Belvina is interesting and the interactions between Ron and Draco, while a bit overblown, were in character and well portrayed. It'll be interesting to see what happens once Hermione wakes up.

Author's Response: thanks so much for reviewing :)
i know i suck at formating the story and i'm working on finding a beta to help me with my mess of thoughts :$
i will revise the chapter and update the story soon!!!:)

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Review #2, by KwanThe Price of Redemption: The Price of Redemption

20th May 2012:
Tagging from the review thread!

I do love myself a good political courtroom drama. You didn't disappoint here and the machinations on Wilton and Harry's part were well done. I particularly like Harry's blackmail and use of clout to convince Wilton to vote for something that he truly believes against. It's one thing if Wilton is just being played, but the drama is increased tenfold when he truly thinks Hagrid doesn't deserve to have a wand.

I liked Dodge's character too as Kingsley's inside man. His conversation with Harry was thoughtful and provoking and there was an added dash of humor when he told Harry that Dumbledore's problems were much bigger.

The addition of the Elder Wand at the end was both poignant and scary. It is a show of Harry's goodness that he refuse the Wand's call and used it to repair Hagrid's wand instead of trying to claim power and glory like it's previous owners.

The writing was superb here and I'm really glad I got to read this story.

Author's Response: Hello, and thanks for the tag!

I'm not sure I started off planning to write a courtroom drama, but that's sort of where the story ended up. Much like I went into it planning to write a Hagrid story and somehow ended up with a Harry story. Sometimes you start off writing one story and end up with another entirely.

Ha. You're probably the first reviewer who actually liked Harry's choices in this. It was a difficult scene to write, because it was really hard to get Harry's words to sound correct. At any rate, I'm glad that somebody like it. ;)

I was really intrigued with the concept of Elphias Doge. As a longtime friend and confidant of Dumbledore's, I always assumed that he had to be a pretty astute fellow.

I'm still going back and forth on whether the ending with the Elder Wand will survive the cut if I ever get around to going back and editing this. I'll take this as one vote in favor.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

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Review #3, by KwanPost Scriptum: Catalyst

20th May 2012:
Finally tagging! Sorry it took so long, always kept getting delayed as I was going between chapters.

I don't think I need to tell you that your writing is good. You probably know as much and I'm not going to harp on any minor mistakes. I didn't see that much and you have a very good blend of mixing description with dialogue.

I must readily admit that I prefer reading Regulus' POV. Perhaps it's because I'm so used to reading the several iterations of Lily, but Regulus' approach is fresh and different. His acceptance of Voldemort is tempered with questioning restraint of the extent of their atrocities. His exchange when he finds they also murdered patients is very telling and cast the first shade of doubt in his mind. He's a very compelling character, neither hero nor villain, and it's that mix of gray that draws me to him.

That's not to say Lily, and inevitably Snape, is poorly written. They're very well written, especially Snape. I do wish some of his witticism would come about him when he's dealing with Lily and the Mauraders, but he has good lines on his own when just conversing with Regulus. Regulus isn't left about and I love the bit where he comments, "I bet that's not the first time his nose was broken."

Indeed, you have a knack for stylistic dialogue that maintains a very purposeful lexicon and purposefully casts a light on each character when they speak, particularly Slughorn. It's an underrated part of writing where a lot of authors don't try to distinguish each character's dialogue besides the perfunctory difference between adults and teens. I appreciate your attention to detail there.

Plot wise, I do believe the introduction of characters is well paced. Again, I must admit, I read a bit faster through the Lily parts to get to the Regulus parts but I think we're all guilty of that when reading stories that have different POV's. Regardless, it's all very well written and great job once again!

Author's Response: Hey there! I'm sorry this response took ages!

People do seem to prefer Regulus, probably (as you said) because he's a bit less fleshed out in canon than Lily, and thus has that mystery about him. I'm glad you can appreciate that I've tried to paint him in shades of gray, and I'm hoping to do the same for Lily as the story progresses, though it will be hard for me to taint my beloved heroine.

You make a valid point about Snape's wit. I think I was trying to focus on his negative qualities, because I usually write him in a rosier light, and for me his sense of humor is one of his better attributes. I do think I'll try to include more of that, though. Thanks!

I'm very glad that the description, dialogue, plot, pacing and characterization seem to be working well together in your eyes. I hope you'll continue reading when I finally get around to posting more, and that you continue to enjoy this as it develops further.

Thanks for your very kind review :)


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Review #4, by KwanWith Sirius Black: When Things Go Badly, With Sirius Black

15th May 2012:
Aww this was a medley of emotions and very well written. The first person voice really let us into Sirius' thought process and it was exactly how I envisioned Sirius. Thoughtful yet grateful for an opportunity to live again.

It was also a really clever way to explain his absence between the 3rd and 5th books. I only wish there would have been a section where you had Sirius talking to Harry via Floo during GoF, but the time lapse is never really explained while he's in the Mediterannean.

It was sad, knowing that his temporary vacation was never meant to last. Even more so that it would be that douche who would cut it short. Still, I had a fleeting hope that he could somehow pull it off, but we all know how this story ends.

There were very few grammar problems and most of them just related to tense and things that are easy to forget when writing so many words. Otherwise, a bittersweet and very well-written story.

Author's Response: I can't get enough of hearing how well I seem to write Sirius :D I'm contemplating making the story longer so that's why I haven't been able to bring myself to say it's complete :P but while Sirius is on the run in harry's 4th year, and how he got back into grimauld place would be interesting. This would also give me the opportunity to go into an area I've haven't gone yet, which is Angst. So thank you so much for the review since it's gone and sparked some more thoughts on what I can do with this :D oh, and Thanks for giving me my 30th review! it's very exciting since this story stemmed from my very first one-shot that got too long and had to be broken up lol.
Very unexpected and welcome review, thanks again!

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Review #5, by KwanThe Long Lost Tale of Mrs. Pettigrew: A Trip to my Tree

15th May 2012:
I thought this was an interesting beginning. I'll get to the grammar parts as they're my least favorite.

You omit capitalizing things like Aurors or Death Eaters or Muggle. It would be fine, but you capitalize Lord Voldemort and other magical related things. It's a small thing but consistency is important. There's also a tendency to avoid using commas after prepositional phrases and it's fine sometimes, but confusing to read in other times. Just something to keep note of.

As for the story, not much to comment on plotwise so far, but I do like the writing style. The journalistic phrasing lends itself to a very introspective perspective. The only problem is that the journalistic motif is semi-broken in the second chapter when you have to break into regular structured dialogue. It reads well as a story but then I forget that it's supposed to be a journal. It's a tough balance.

The characterization of the different Slytherins were solid and each character got a small spotlight to highlight their personal traits. It will be interesting to see how Aly approaches Peter as I suspect that's where the meat of the plot will be. I also like that she's a Yaxley and I'm sure her brother (or other form of relation) will come into play very soon.

A good start with some minor quibbles here and there, but the writing is very solid. Feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing:)

So as far as the grammar thing goes I guess it could use another once over. I wasn't sure what needed capitalization as far as magical things go, so I've been leavining them lowercase, but I'll be sure to fix it now that I know.

As far as break in the journalistic motif I guess you could call it the writing style. I've drawn some inspiration from Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden in how I'm writing this. If you've read the book someparts are more like a person looking back on the past and others are more like the regular dialouge. I'll try and go back and make it slightly more journally though.

Thanks again for the review :)

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Review #6, by KwanBefore They Fall: Hogwarts Express

8th May 2012:
This chapter flowed well again though it lacked the natural flow of dialogue that the first chapter had. James' description of helping her through dark times was well done and I agree that something drastic would have needed to happen for Lily to change her mind about James.

Its not too slow because, honestly, not much has happened. I know you wanted these sections to stand alone but this could have been combined into one chapter. The first chapter could be the introduction. The middle part could have really showed James caring for Lily and this chapter could have been the end of the first chapter. Its one thing to just say, James took care of Lily, but if you show it instead of just saying it, it creates much more emotional ressonance.

The way you have it structured right now could lead to something that reads very fractured so focus on really tightening the plot instead of breaking it up into such short chapters.

Cheers and feel free to re-request from me as you post more chapters.

Author's Response: I'm having a hard time wanting to combine chapters.. these first couple are my babies ;). The chapters do start to hit 3000+ words by the third, after I have the next few ones I think I will consider scrunching these two up. I agree, there does need to be more detail about the first few weeks after Lily's parents' death. I am thinking of editing and adding in a few flash nightmares mixed with reality... to keep it just a little different from narrating through a few weeks. Thank you again for the reviews!

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Review #7, by KwanBefore They Fall: Sirius Black

8th May 2012:
Hi there! Here with your revise request.

First, just to get some grammar out of the way (my least favorite part). You have a typo in your summary (infamous). The sentence where Lily doesn't know how the words to tell them is a run-on. Too many commas and not enough conjunctions or full stops. The last sentence should be, "They're dead." Other than that, it looked good.

You write bouts of dialogue very well and it flows organically. Your characferizations seem to be spot on for the moment though I do question how Sirius knew where Lily's was. If James just became friends with her, hoe would Sirius know where her house was?

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing and critiquing! I really hope you continue to be a part of this process with me. Your reviews are very helpful!

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Review #8, by KwanWhy: Why

8th May 2012:
I love Voldemort stories, hes such an interesting character. Structurally and gramatically, there was nothing wrong with this story. It flowed well and your descriptions and use of similes and metaphors are top-notch. You really have the ability to paint the scenes with dark and light colors.

My only minor quibble is that the man realized too quickly. The rest of the storybwas paced really well but something about the wording on the paragraph where he realizes who Voldemort is makes it feel rushed. I wish there would've been something that tipped him off besides Voldemort's smile.

Otherwise, a very interesting and dark piece. Feel free to re-request from me in the future.

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I guess the man does realize pretty fast, but Voldy is Voldy, and he's kind of infamous. I feel as if if you were put in the presence of Voldy, you'd know exactly who he is, and a second after you realize who he is, you know you're going to die. It's like the normal chain of events for someone as sick and twisted as him.

Thanks again; I really appreciate your review!

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Review #9, by KwanYellow Soul Birds: Average

8th May 2012:
I thought this was an interesting piece in that it was a reflection of how a lot of writers on this site probably feel. Moreover, if it wasn't for the fact that there were some Weasley and magic things involved, it could have easily been an original work. I dont know if that's to your benefit but it is interesting.

There were several areas where a comma would have been useful in clearing up sentence confusion. Its difficult sometimes when you're writing long monologues to get everything right but still important to note.

It was an interesting beginning and didn't sound like a parody at all. Feel free to request future chapters

Author's Response: Thank you for your compliments, they're all so lovely. :)

I'll make sure to go back and read over the chapter (I've been meaning to do so for ages now) and improve on the sentence structure in general!

Its definitely helpful to know that this is something I could potentially convert into an OF considering I have so many plunnies for them right now and I can already think of a few where this would fit in! So, thank you for that.


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Review #10, by KwanIn The Black: The Path

5th May 2012:
One month later and I've finally finished this whole story. It took me a while to get going and it took me seemingly two weeks to get through Chapters 12-15, but I sat down yesterday at Barnes and Nobles with my kindle and determinedly read through the rest of the story. I owed you a review and have delayed this long enough so I finally finished!


I admit I have mixed feelings about this story. On one hand, it's technically great with very believable characters and in depth character development. In particular, I think the chemistry and relationship between James and Beth is particularly well realized, so much so that they almost seem like brother and sister. The way they can read each other's emotions and recognize one another's moods is the best part of this story. Though the rest of the Mauraders are incredibly developed, James and Beth steal the show with their heartfelt scenes together.

I'm also a fan of what you did with Severus, creating a flawed character that's torn between his inner darkness, yet trapped by Beth. I was disappointed in the end when his Patronus didn't change, marking his inability to let go of Lily. I'm normally not a fan of the 'Fifth Marauder' character, but I really liked Beth here. At times, her indecisiveness and shyness frustrated me, leading to incredibly strained conversations with Severus. It was a wonder they managed to create any chemistry with each other with all the awkward pauses and longing stares. Yet, there was an endearing inner courage within her. The Gryffindor in her definitely showed when it mattered, luring werewolf!Remus into the Shack and injuring herself in the process and standing up to Snape over the blood issue. I thought her character arc was very appropriate and you did a fantastic job with her as your OC.

My biggest criticism would be that the plot never gets out of second gear. I was waiting for this build up and this crescendo, but it was just a slow burn, an examination of characters and their interactions, but little to show far in the end. In particular, you created a very interesting chapter of the creation of the Marauder's Map, yet it failed to show up for anything for the rest of the story. I know that you are created the books a series, but its difficult for this one to stand on its own without a backbone for a plot.

Most of it is centered around Beth/Severus, which is fine, but their stop-start relationship never creates those ups and downs or swings. James and Lily getting engaged and the interaction between the Marauders are a nice distraction, but I don't think the story could carry itself enough with just Beth/Severus and the Order of the Phoenix story line. It just didn't get going, and the dramatic impact of Sirius vs the Slytherin was lost on me.

I know this was the first book of a series, but it felt more like the first act of a book if that makes any sense. There was a lot of development and introduction and character origins, but nothing to show for in the end besides a graduation and introduction in the Order of the Phoenix. Going forward, I'd like to see the future books of the series really be able to contain a plot within itself instead of relying on future books.


I'm sorry if that seemed too critical, but I tend to leave a lengthy response after a long story. I enjoyed this very much and your handling of characters is impeccable. I just wanted the story to really hit that high dramatic point, but it just stayed as a cold simmer.

Hope you keep writing and let me know when that second book starts!

Author's Response: As you no doubt remember, you got a PM from me about this, so I don't think a lot more needs to be said on this front. ;) Thank you for taking the time to read the full story, at any rate.

The sequel will be posted on May 13th and if you're so inclined you can most certainly stop by, although it is, of course, not necessary. Maybe the plot of that one will entice you more, now that the books are moving along instead of just having one to go off of. ;)

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Review #11, by KwanStrawberry Fields Forever: Strawberry Fields Forever

3rd May 2012:
Hey there! Tagging back from the review thread.

I thought this was a very well-written story. You have a natural flow, jumping between flashbacks and the present easily and allowing the story to flow organically yet still keep us within Sirius' disturbed mind frame. There were a couple instances where his monologues were incongruent with his Wizard upbringing ("It was like those memories were on am and I was constantly on fm.") and you should watch out for little things like that because its easy to get lost in a monologue sometimes.

There were also other areas where you had a couple run-on sentences. For example...

"In fact she was one of the most talented duellers in our year at school, she can hex like no tomorrow."

There needs to be some sort of conjunction between the two independent clauses or else they just run-on. There were a few other spots where you could have used commas to avoid confusion (mainly for prepositional phrases), but they're just tiny things in the grand scheme of things.

I did like his eventual transformation, physically and mentally, at the end of the story where he realized he still had something to live for. The progression between his nightmares to his hope was done very well and I commend the writing in that area.

Good one-shot!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :D

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. That line in particular was actually a reference to one of the lyrics form Strawberry Fields Forever (''That is you can't you know tune in but it's all right'') but I get what your saying. I'll remember that for future reference. :)

Ahh yes, I've been meaning to edit this story for a while. Thanks for pointing that out!

I'm so glad you did. This story was definitely one of the most challenging that I've had to write so it means so much to me to hear such nice things about my writing.

Thanks again for the awesome review! :D

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Review #12, by KwanThe Ladykiller: Darkness

24th April 2012:
Hi there! Tagging from the Slytherin Review thread.

But oh my, this was wonderful. I usually have a slightly pessimistic predisposition to one-shots, but I read this one straight through and didn't even nitpick anything. I was too enraptured, much like Bellatrix, by the story to do anything. Your descriptions of her succumbing to Voldemort's seduction were effortless and really gave a picture of her flightless feelings being swallowed up by his darkness.

Her back story was also very compelling, describing her feelings without clamoring to the maniac that HBC portrayed so well in the movies. Indeed, I think Bellatrix gets amusingly typecasted as this crazy, sociopath and while there is some truth to that, your story gives it a more grounded feel and avoids the tropes usually associated with her character by assigning actual reasons behind her actions.

I entered the Film Noir challenge too and so I enjoyed this very much. I hope you end up doing very well in that challenge!

Author's Response: Hello! First off, I apologize that my response has taken a little while. My schoolwork got really crazy in the last month or so of the semester. I hope it doesn't put you off reviewing my work in the future :)

It's so lovely that you felt so pulled in to the story. That's so magical, to imagine that my readers could get swept away along with Bellatrix as she is romanced into giving up her Gringotts vault.

I know exactly what you're talking about, and I did want to show a more vulnerable side of her here, so that she's more like the anti-hero and Voldemort is the "femme fatale" of sorts. How's that for a twist? :D I did put some thought into the reason she might have turned out as she did, and I'm glad you could tell and that you appreciated it.

Thanks very much for your kind words! :)


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Review #13, by KwanBaby Steps: Prologue: Marshmallows, Fudge and some Unexpected News

18th April 2012:
Bald Al and tattooed Scorpius. Sounds like an album cover!

I'll wager an ordinary guess and say his tattoo is a scorpion. James, Scorpius, and Al were all very funny, interchanging humorous lines that didn't seem forced or contrived at all. Scorpius, in particular, shines as he balances traditional Pureblood thinking with less malicious jokes than I imagine Draco would have delivered. James is a bit over the top for me (how can anyone possibly be so conceited), but it sort of works and I can overlook a little bit of the craziness if he's just hamming it up.

Lorcan is also a funny and weird character and a good way to introduce different characters and weave in some exposition without just stating it in paragraphs. You have a very deceptive way of informing the readers what happened without bashing us over the head and I applaud the discretion. Towards the end of the chapter where there's more dialogue, the formatting is tough to read and might be something you want to take a look at for a re-edit. Merlin knows I run into the same problems though. Something about the site's editor just doesn't like me.

The only quibble I had was James' and everyone else's avoidance of profanity. Here you have three guys in their 20's, smashed with tattoos, bald heads, and a out of wedlock baby and all they can is fudge and shiz? I know you might have had to do it for rating purposes, but it really throws off their character and undersells their wild sides. Maybe once or twice, it would have been okay, but it becomes distracting when I'm trying to believe they're these party boys.

Other than that, an interesting start on what could have been a very usual trope, but luckily, you pull it off very well!

Author's Response: Hey, aw thankyou for reviewing. I see what you mean about the language but by using words like 'fudge' and so on I was really trying to enhance how childish James still is despite the fact he goes out and drinks and so on - but it's a good point you make, I'll look at decreasing the number of times he uses words like that. And ah yes, I was in such a hurry to get it into the queue after I'd read it that I wasn't really focusing on getting all of the mistakes so i'll definitely look at getting them edited as well.
Thankyou so much for the lovely review!!!


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Review #14, by Kwana tale of war: paul heyer: hope was the strength to die

17th April 2012:
Hello there. Here with your review request.

I did actually kind of 'feel' it. The time jumps are a bit jarring and I had to re-read it once or twice to make sure I was getting everything chronologically in my head. Technically, it's incredibly written and every line of pain and angst is compounded by your repetition. It's as if you're pounding this sadness into us and I genuinely felt a bit morose by the end of the story. There were no grammar or misspells from what I could see and, honestly, I don't think you need to worry about your style. It's great.

The only thing I have to counter with is that you could do a bit more in your pleasant parts. I understand you wanted to convey a sense of hope at the end of the story, but the painful and angsty parts were so well done that I couldn't feel that hope. Maybe play up and find a way to make the reader feel a bit more alive during the hopeful parts as well so you can really have that sense of retribution at the end. I feel as if you underplayed the good parts and really pounded us with the sadness.

My only other minor squabble is that you should probably capitalize your story titles and chapters, but that's just me! Great writing and feel free to request again from me.

Author's Response: Hullo!

I'm so glad you liked it enough to review - that's always an up, haha.
As for the grammar/spelling mistakes - you should thank my brilliant beta for that since she ironed it all out fantastically!

Its actually the first time I've dealt with non-linear chronology so I was a bit nervous about writing it in that way, but this wrote itself and I liked it the way it was. I'm glad you got round to it and enjoyed it enough.

I understand your point about the happy moments, mostly I was trying to keep them sort of short and small seeing as I thought that all those moments would flicker brightly enough because of all the hardships in between them. I'll look over that again and see if I can try and make them more poignant. :)

Thanks for all your help and your compliments - they've been brilliant!


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Review #15, by KwanThe One That I Should Have Married: Regrets

16th April 2012:
Hi there! Review swap!

I'll preface this by saying I'm not the biggest fan of Dramione. I've read a few and they're probably in the middle of the list when it comes to my favored ships, but I thought you captured the realization of mistakes well. Your writing is very poetic as if it's bouncing along with descriptions and inserting dialogue and monologues very sparsely.

There were a few moments when there were comma splices and the wording was a bit awkward. For example...

"The worst part was, is that I could never fix my mistakes."

You don't need the comma and the is. It flows better as...

"The worst part was that I could never fix my mistakes."

There were a few other instances where some strange wording arose, but all in all, they're minor things and things you can easily improve.

The other thing I had a small contention was Draco stating he never hurt her. Besides the bullying and the name calling in school, Hermione clearly punched him in 3rd year! Perhaps you're speaking of a post-Hogwarts Draco, but there definitely have been instances where Draco has hurt Hermione.

But, I did like the brevity and simplicity of the letter. Instead of a detailed explanation, you left a small mystery to what exactly happened and it's in tone with the vagueness of the story.

It was a bittersweet story with an interesting and very poetic writing style. Just shore up some syntactic issues and characterizations and it would be even better!

Author's Response: Sorry for taking such a long time to respond:P

Thank you so much! :D that's absolutely wonderful to hear!

Sorry about the errors:/

Ah, yes, there has been some debate on that. *inner turmoil* I'm debating on whether to fix it, or somehow cover that mistake up in a sequel?




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Review #16, by KwanBetter Days Than These: Pure blood is pure blood, except when it's not and then it's... not.

16th April 2012:
I'm normally critical of parody stories, but I think you pulled this one off nicely. A strong balance of straight characters to the hammy and Mary-Sue'd ones give it a purposeful feel instead of just existing to be a parody. Strong characterizations of Neville, Snape, and even Peony run this story as well as witty one liners, "Polish my broomstick," and "Needing to keep my eyes where they are."

I thought the bird was a bit overboard on the Mary Sue, but what's a Mary Sue if not overboard? Her reactions to Squiggles dying and other parts of Hogwarts are a good mix of confused yet blase. She's concerned about what's happening but could care less what actually happened because nothing can go wrong with her.

It's definitely well written and didn't have any grammar problems that I could see. The second chapter flowed a bit better than the first chapter. Perhaps it was the juvenile nature and inconsequential events in comparison to the second chapter, but the second chapter was stronger and had a better blend of humor with plot.

Good parody writing and amusing, superfluous chapter titles.

Author's Response: Thanks so much!

I knew the second chapter was stronger, but I wasn't sure how to "fix" the first chapter to strengthen it while still keeping Peony's character-building scenes in place. You're right. There are a lot of seemingly inconsequential events compared to the second chapter. That's a good observation and gives me somewhere to start.

Thanks again for your words. They were very helpful!

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Review #17, by KwanShattered: Mirror Mirror on the Wall

16th April 2012:
This was heartbreaking in it's observation, deftly passing time yet explaining Petunia's childhood all in one fell swoop. It was impossible not to feel the range of emotions sweeping up and down as doll after doll was crushed by Gareth. Her transformation into the cold, sheltered character was sublime. I particularly liked the descriptions of her personality in her Spartan style room. It suits Petunia so perfectly.

I enjoy things written in second person because they transpose a rather unique feeling to the reader. It's impossible to not to feel as if some of the angst and pain was directed towards you. Sure, it's not good for a long story, but for a one-shot like this, I thought you pulled it off beautifully.

There are some inconsistencies with Vernon at the end of the story (he was a bully but never an abuser), but I can overlook it for the sake of the story and what you were trying to portray with Petunia. I feel as if the first part (Petunia's backstory) was fleshed out to perfection but the second part felt a little rushed. Nonetheless, it was still excellent overall.

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for this. I'm glad that Petunia was able to communicate so well! I wanted to get her to be real to the reader as she wasn't as much in the books.

I know what you mean on Vernon. I felt that this was him being a bully. He didn't actually touch her but was intimidating her.

I can see what you mean on the later part of the story.

Thanks for this!

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Review #18, by KwanLet's Play a Love Game: Chapter Seven: Tilt

14th April 2012:
I like your title. I feel like titles go so under appreciated sometimes.

I have mixed feelings about this one and it's mostly centered around Angie. There's just something very off putting about her. This might just be a personal thing and not really an indictment about your writing, but I didn't like her as much in this chapter. Whereas before, she was sarcastically humorous, she seemed to gush at everything in this one whether it's Remus or Greg's caring for Lily. It came off as rather more tilting than funny. That's not to say you didn't write her poorly, but I suppose her girlishness is just getting to me a bit?

The rest of the chapter progressed nicely with James poorly overreacting and Sirius obsessed with the money. Your other characters are well done though I think James was a bit over the top. The character that's best written is Remus I believe. He has the right amount of sensibility mixed with a little mischievousness.

Keep on writing and re-request from me anytime you want!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like my title! :D

I read your comment about Angie, and I went back and perused my chapter. I noticed I really played up girly Angie here, so I'll tone it down in future chapters. I like sarcastic Angie better too haha.

I'm really happy that you think Remus is the best written! I thought I was going a bit out there when he got really aggressive :P

Thanks so much for a great review! You've been very helpful. I'll keep your advice in mind, and I'll definitely re-request :)

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Review #19, by KwanAll Hail Our Dark Lord: All Hail Our Dark Lord

13th April 2012:
"Luscious Malfoy, a friend of my father looks down at me."

I know some people like the elder Malfoy, but isn't that a bit much ;).

I rather like the tone and perspective of this story. Not many stories are written from the view of an unknown Death Eater and Death Eater stories in general are scarce. It's moody and dark, hitting despair at all the right moments and then acceptance at the end.

The only thing I would advise is tense confusion. You start off in present, but then some sentences indicate past tense while other sentences have present tense. Without a definitive cue for a flashback, it's hard to discern which is which. You also slip on some parts and refer to things in past tense even though you actively started in the present tense.

But besides the tense issue, it's a good one-shot.

Author's Response: Thank you very much, I don't know why, but I always stuggle with tenses... it's rather strange.. Thank you for your time.

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Review #20, by KwanMeet the Muggles: Chapter Two: Slipping from my Fingers

12th April 2012:
Hi there! Reviewing from the forums.

I have to preface this by saying I enjoyed your other story (Let's Play A Love Game) a little better than this one. Perhaps it's just that an OC is the main character, but I struggled relating to her. That's not to say it was poorly written. Perhaps it's just my beginning into next generation stories that has me befuddled so far.

Anyways, I liked your use of modern day technology as a way to establish the setting. Though I should warn that I hope it doesn't stray too far into using Muggle technology. Some of these stories of people travelling to America tend to just become stories that have nothing to do with magic and just use HP characters. It's perhaps one of the hardest things to do (moving the characters to America), but I hope you can pull it off.

Their relationship is gentle though without the added counterweight of James yet, it feels rather flighty. Cassie, as a character, is quickly established, but Logan is rather generic so far, only having lines of response and reaction to her. Besides his appearance, I don't have an inkling of what makes him tick.

I do like the different viewpoints of various characters though. The identification of Luna and other various spots during their stay on the Platform was amusing. Furthermore, her difficulty passing through Muggle customs was a healthy reminder that Cassie is not as attuned to Muggles as others are.

I must admit that I think it's just the lack of back story that has me confounded so far. Without any basis of knowing Cassie, it's hard to feel for her for the moment though I think that might just be due to the brevity of the story so far. As it goes on, there will probably be more to sympathize.

There's some minor words misspelled and misplaced, but I think that's more to do with typos than any lack of grammatical understanding. Just a careful read through should mop those up.

A good beginning that I couldn't quite grasp as quickly as your other story. If you need another review, feel free to re-request!

Author's Response: Thanks for such a thorough review! I figured I'd ask you to R&R so I could get a different perspective, since you're new to Next-Gen. ;) You definitely opened me to a different view, which I appreciate!

I took note of your comments on Logan's character. I'll definitely add more to him :) A little more of Cassie will be revealed in Chapter 3, but I'll keep your comments about her in mind!

Oh, and about the whole American thing... I'm just more familiar with the States, and I thought it would be interesting to see how Cassie would react to it. But there will definitely be some magical mishaps throughout the story!

Thanks again for your review! :)

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Review #21, by KwanIn The Black: Gossip and Guilt

11th April 2012:
What I meant with forced dialogue isn't so much the writing of the dialogue, just the content. It ties it to my observation concerning Maurader stories so when James says he's Head Boy or they want to prank First Years and etc, they're repeating things we already know about them. It's not an indictment on your writing as much as it is just a necessary part of writing Maurader stories.


I liked this chapter much better. It flowed better and I think you really got to into their characters a bit more. Beth, the guilty compliant of her friend's pranks and cruelty to Snape. Remus, serious and proud (took plenty of time adjusting his Prefect badge), but willing to turn a blind eye to his friends. Peter, the worrywart that voices his issues but never does anything about them. Oddly enough, I felt most disconnected with James and Sirius. Sirius showed a lot of his cruel and care free style that's hinted at but rarely shown in canon. I felt more sympathy towards Snape than anything in this chapter.

I am noting a recurring pattern in Beth's parents. Is there something more to this than just a troubled family life? Are there threads connecting her parents to Voldemort or Dumbledore or is it just to show her parental issues? It will be interesting to see which direction this storyline goes.

Overall, I enjoyed this chapter much more than the opening.

Author's Response: I think that you're going to find a lot of similar content in Marauders stories, especially in ones when they're young, and especially in first chapters. :) Partially it's because that, although JKR didn't give a lot to go on, authors in general try and keep to canon as much as possible with as little information to circulate as we have!

Character development is definitely not going to be an all-at-once thing, not by any means. This story is a growth in how they interact and react, if nothing else, and I hope you'll see that, if you choose to keep reading. :) Sympathy for Snape was what you were supposed to feel, so I guess I'm glad you did!

Thank you very much for taking the time to leave me this review! ♥ It is, of course, very much appreciated, and I'm so grateful you did. Hope to see you back before long!

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Review #22, by KwanPoisoned Honey: Arrest

11th April 2012:
ďI thought you couldnít use the trace on a grown up,Ē

I think you forgot the rest of the paragraph ;).

But otherwise, a good story that quickly summarizes the events leading to Umbridge's capture. There's nothing wrong, per se, but I felt as if a bit more description would have gone a long way to really capture the emotion of Umbridge's arrest.

While the first half of the story set a reasonable premise, I feel as if you rushed through the second half of the story. Perhaps a bit more detail in how they approached Umbridge and creating a more tense atmosphere as she takes a hostage? It's hard to convey the severity of the situation through just sheer dialogue and the dialogue sometimes ends up looking hokey.

All in all, a nice, short story that probably could have used just a bit more fine tuning at the end.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) It was slightly rushed, Still, glad you enjoyed it

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Review #23, by KwanThe Prankster and The Prefect: Black Markets and Falling In Love

10th April 2012:
Hi there! Tagging from the review thread.

Let me get the grammar things out of the way first. They're my least favorite part.

You frequently use however to draw contrast...however ;)...I think you used it a bit too much and it became a distraction. Commas should also be placed around however, but honestly it's just a syntactic thing more than anything. Much like how we find different words for 'said', you shouldn't use however as your main point of showing contrast.

There were also a few moments when I thought you were either missing a word or inserted a repeated word. Nothing big, more a typo than anything, but just in case you didn't see it before.

"It confused her because he was neither was he a prefect nor was he invited (well she didnít know that for sure but come on, it was George Weasley)"

I think you added an extra 'was.'

There were other areas where you didn't insert a comma after a preposition or used a comma when it wasn't necessary. The sentence structure can be confusing and I ended up reading a few of them back to me when I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say.

"Although she knew it was probably nothing there was just something that intrigued Hermione about the situation."

There should be a comma after nothing.

"In all fairness it was common knowledge throughout Hogwarts that there was a Black Market..."

There should be a comma after fairness.

"Walking back from her verbal (nearly uncalled for) attack she felt upset with herself."

There should be a comma after attack.

It's strange because you do it correctly at some points and then you omit it at other points. I think it was more the inconsistency that bothered me, but it's not something that is really a bother. Just something you should keep an eye on.

There are other areas where you rely on run-on sentences when the sentence can be restructured to look stronger. For example,

"This hadnít been taught in lessons or books, how to overcome emotions, and she didnít know how she was going to cope with it."

It would be stronger as...

"Overcoming emotions hadn't been taught in books and she didn't know how she was going to cope with it."

It's cleaner and not as unsteady as having commas all over the place.

There are other areas like that, but I think it's just something you'll improve on as you keep writing. I just thought I'd point it out in case no one else had flagged you over it.

Finallly, onto the story.

I think it's an interesting pairing and one that's always held merit in my eyes. Hermione's struck me as someone who needed an older, mature person and George, although a prankster, has certainly proved himself as a shrewd businessman.

Her internal conflict over her appearance towards other people is a believable conflict a girl like Hermione would have. Thus, turning towards George, an invariable opposite, would be a logical step for her and Hermione, if anything, is a logical person.

The interplay between the two was well written and I think the story really started to flow when she discovered him after berating him earlier. You write their brief interlude very well and I appreciate the little nods to their characters (Hermione saying she's jotting down all the names and George - I'll sort everything about tomorrow. Very guy-like).

All in all, a cute story with strong characterizations. The grammar could use some work, but it's more inconsistency than it is lack of understanding.

Author's Response: Thank you for the excessively long review! I am sort of in the middle of doing an edit for this so I will be sure to add some of your points.

My grammar is sort of a problem but I'm sending this to a beta so hopefully it won't be as bad once she sends it back :) I have a lot of problems with grammar in general so I am trying to sort my commas out!

I love the pairing of George and Hermione in general because I agree that he is a business man.

I'm glad you think it was believable and worked. I love characterising them :D

Thank you for the review

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Review #24, by KwanIn The Black: Same Old Secret

10th April 2012:
Is that Kristen Stewart? Please don't be Kristen Stewart. I hate her.

But otherwise, a good start! Let me get the grammatical things out of the way first as they're the parts I like talking about the least. There were few errors and your writing style is easy to read. Light but useful on descriptions and generally good banter. A little forced in some parts, but that's how introductory chapters always are. Have to instigate the plot somehow.

You should be wary of comma splices. There weren't a whole lot, but they popped up here and there. It's always a strong comfort to use a comma, but it's not necessary. Example:

"It really didn't make sense, when she looked at it from a bystander's perspective."

No need for the comma before when. It would have been perfect without it! It's not something that's a big issue, but just a general thing to try and pick up. We all have our little errors.

As far as characterization goes, I think Beth is a good OC to start out. You establish her parameters quickly (socially uncomfortable, troubled family life, and at ease with boys). It's an archetype that's used a bit too much, I think, with girls that join the Mauraders, but it serves it's purpose.

Her infatuation with Severus, at this point, is her biggest trait and one I'd like to see expanded. Of course, I hope there's more than, "I just can't help but like him," but she's written well enough where it avoids being a cliche. I'm glad you didn't disservice Peter in the story. Often he's the pudgy, bumbling idiot, but I see you have placed him in a more sarcastic but disapproving role so far. The interplay between the Mauraders is good and solid.

At this point, I'm interested in seeing how the story develops. Maurader stories tend to suffer from having their endings known, so I'd like to see the different twist you put on it. Of course, I imagine Beth/Snape's relationship will be a driving factor in the story and I wonder how it intertwines with Snape's love for Lily. Is this canonical or does it take a different route?

I'll read on to find out!

Author's Response: It's Katie McGrath -- she plays Morgana in the TV series Merlin. I can sort of see where you draw the comparison, though. :)

Ooh, I'm interested as to where you found the dialogue forced, as I've not yet heard that from my other reviewers. What points seemed a bit off to you? And the comma is technically correct, as my style tends to use a lot of commas in its syntax. It's more a personal thing, I think.

Ooh, I hope Beth's largest trait isn't her infatuation! Particularly as I tried to /not/ make it an infatuation -- and, if you read further, I hope you'll see that it isn't. After all, I only ever mention Snape by name in this chapter in the very last line. ;) This story's grounded in a lot more than that ship, believe me. As for the Beth/Snape, I try and adhere to canon as much as possible, but for very obvious reasons -- namely, adding in my own character entirely -- I had to take some liberties.

Thank you for doing this for me. It was very lovely of you to offer! :)

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Review #25, by KwanBattlefields: Chapter Two

10th April 2012:
I enjoyed this chapter more than the previous one. Perhaps it's the Slytherin in me, but I do like the discretion Rodolphus used. It shows that Death Eaters aren't the thick headed goons they're shown in canon. Severus' reactions were also spot on, from his excitement to being recruited and recognized to his fear for Lily. Poor Eileen, so distraught with her husband's death that she overlooked something so easily.

The rather straightforward beginning from Lily has taken a more mysterious turn in this chapter and I can see the threads start forming. I wonder if the story will stay focused on Lily and Severus or if it will introduce the larger set of characters. Both storylines have potential merit and you have ability enough to tell a good story with both. I'm interested in the outcome.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing again! I'm glad you liked this one better. This whole thing was originally written and posted elsewhere as a one shot, but at near on ten thousand words I decided to split it up. The split between first and second chapter isn't really ideal, I know, as it leaves the first chapter a little dull, but without major re-writes, I couldn't think of any other way to do it, so I split it as you find it.

I'm very pleased that you found Rodolphus to be decently discreet. I found that ridiculously hard to write as I struggle with subtlety and also was worried that I didn't have Snape's characterisation quite right here, so I'm very grateful that you've picked up on it. Thanks once again for the review!

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