Hello. Marcie here from the forums, and I have to say that this is very promising. It seems like you know where the story is going, and it sounds like youíve fully planned out your original character. I must commend you for your ability to create a voice that gets the reader involved in the story; when it comes to stories written in the first-person perspective, I think itís the internal voice of the character that really keeps the readerís attention.
This chapter is filled with many lines of dialogue that made me chuckle and smile, which is always a good thing. I like how you opened the chapter up with internal monologue; it made me get into the shoes of the main character, who is obviously (for lack of a better word) nervous about the whole situation.
The character Logan seems like heís also fully developed, and it would be nice to see how their relationship began and the moment when he proposed. Also, you (well, Cass) mentioned that James Potter II is her ex-boyfriend. I think it would also be nice to see why they broke up and what their relationship use to be like, etc. Stuff like that.
I did find a couple of problems that stood out rather prominently.
The first one was the use of indents to start a new paragraph: I wouldn't exactly use them because it ruins the look of the chapter. I think just skipping a line and starting from there is better.
The second one is the little details youíve provided: descriptions of the setting arenít as detailed as they should be. If you go into more detail, the reader will have a better understanding of where the characters are, and it adds flesh to your chapter.
The third one is the introduction of Albus Potter II: At first I thought he magically appeared out of nowhere. Maybe you should describe where heís coming from, etc.
The fourth and final one is errors in grammar. Consider having this chapter betaíd.
I think the flow and pacing is great, and the chapter wasnít awkward. I donít think this should be an AU.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, and I hope you continue with the story :)Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to R&R! :) And, no, I don't think you were harsh at all! You've been very helpful :D I'll go back and change the formatting and make Albus's appearance more...natural haha. I'll also check out the grammar.
I'm seriously considering doing a flashback every other chapter. I already wrote one about Cassie and her family, but it's not really an important thing.
But thank you so much for a great and helpful review! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it :) Report Review
Wow, this is great! I really want you to continue this. I like your writing style; it's very beautiful, and it made me really get into story. This story is becoming something amazing, and I can't wait for the next update. I think you captured Sirius really well in this piece, and I haven't read a lot of fanfiction that included characters from the Marauders Era. I'm on to read the next chapter. 10/10, and keep on writing ;*Author's Response: Aw, I'm so glad you like it! Since this was my first story, and I really haven't edited it very much, just breaking it down, I've very surprised you like it so much :)
I'll update this as soon as my chapter from my novel gets validated :) should be within the week.
Thanks for reviewing, and the 10/10! :D Report Review
Review swap! Okay, first off, I want to say sorry for not logging on. I was too lazy, haha. Onward to the reviewing: You've outdone yourself here, but that seems to be the norm for you, so it's no surprise you were able to write yet another chapter that managed to grab hold of me and never let me go. Oh, Pippa. Gotta love this character. I NEED another update, because this story is addicting, but you're such an amazing author that I'll try to stand the wait while you produce something wonderful. 10/10, and keep on writing ;*Author's Response: Heya :) Haha, don't worry, I do that all the time :) Aw! Wow. That is such an amazing thing to hear! And I'm glad you like the story that much. And Pippa! I'm so happy that you like her. And don't worry, I'll update soon. Thank you so very much, hopefully the next chapters won't disappoint you. Thanks so much for the amazing review and I hope you have a wonderful day!
xx Report Review
Okay, I just want to say that this story is VERY promising. I can really imagine being in Lucy's situation, which means you are a very good writer. Anyway, there's some beautiful writing in here, and I'm sure this story is going to be great! 10/10, and keep on writing ;*Author's Response: Oh thank you!
I think Lucy's situation is not very uncommon at all. I just wanted to write something which captured how a teenager would feel. I normally don't write stuff that's Hogwarts centric, but I'm enjoying this.
Thanks so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it. Report Review
I'm not good at reviewing, but here I go:
1) Okay, so I read this, not expecting to be completely blown away by beautiful writing. This was incredible.
2) Great song choice! Gorgeous lyrics.
3) I never read a song-fic before, so this was a bit of a pleasant surprise. This makes me want to read more of them.
Overall, this is amazing and keep on writing ;*
10/10Author's Response: Really?Awwh(: thats great! the only review I had gotten on this was an awful flame,so Im glad to hear this!
I do love that song,its amazing.
They're addicting,I've just made a monster! haha!
thanks for the wonderful review!
Ever Report Review
Reading this story made me want to get up in dance. Haha, just kidding, but this one-shot was incredible. Writing is something you're amazing at, and I'm in awe of your beautiful talent. Oh, Arthur, I can imagine his reaction to the last line. If I were him, I'd say something like: "Are you sure I'm the father?" Haha. A couple of mistakes here and there, but that didn't change my view of this story at all because it was just too good. I'm sorry if my review isn't good enough for your liking, but I tried my best and keep on writing. ;*Author's Response: Please don't worry about your reviews! They're amazing because you're commenting on peoples stories. People don't judge them on length, I'm just grateful for everyone I have!
Thank you for saying I have a talent. Most of the time I doubt it because I don't believe my writing is anywhere near the standard of most of the wonderful authors on here so it's nice to think that.
I liked leaving this a little open ended as people could imagine their own ending.
Thank you again :) Report Review
Okay, so I'm not very good at reviewing, but I'll try my best.
First off, I just want to say that I envy your ability to write beautiful stories that display your mastery of the English language. I bow down to that. Second, this story kind of blew me away. I loved it so much that my eyes were practically glued to the computer screen. I bet all the money that I don't have that I looked like a zombie. Third, I thought you captured the spirit of Hagrid very well in this piece. Congratulations to you for doing something that I can't, haha. Anyway, great job here, and keep on writing. ;*Author's Response: Hi, there. I always love meeting a new reviewer. Don't worry about whether you're "good" at reviewing. As an author, I just like to hear whatever you think.
You're making me self-conscious here. My "mastery" of English really boils down to one part spell checker, one part awesome beta reader and one part OCD. Bad writing drives me to distraction.
I'm really glad that the story captured your attention. It's an idea that I've had in my head since shortly after I finished reading DH and I finally managed to finish it in between writing chapters of my main ongoing story.
I honestly won't believe that you can't write something good. It sounds silly and cliche, but with effort, you can make things happen.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
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