Hey, LeCygne here with your review!
Well, that was unexpectingly dark, wich I absolutely love! And yet, it's worth a review, because it could've been better.
First, I don't think the format you chose actually fit the story.
It's a shame, because your plot is actually pretty good. Badass Neville comes a bit out of nowhere, but hey, he slained the snake, so it's alright.
But a one-shot? I always felt one-shot were for precise moments, insights, or for several levels of reading. But there, you're trying to recap a lot in a very short time.
You plotted well enough for at least four chapters there, so why the rush? Everybody loves a good several chapters long story...And it's a bit frustrating when nevill's speech is so cool we imagine 4 chapters like that.
It's that precise choice I've had a problem with. because it also ruins the pacing of your chapter, wich is overly unbalanced.
Apart from that, you write pretty well, maybe a tiny bit grandiloquent -the suicide, particularly, came overly dramatic-, but it fits the story well...
Your characterization is also very good. I love your Ginny, and
I really enjoyed Hermione too, she usually one of my least favorite characters, but you respected her style.
So, great potential mate! You can keep on writing happily and without stress. But as it is, it's still too short, too much, too fast. Still worth a 7 though.Author's Response: Well, thank you so much. You have given me much food for thought. 3 or 4 chapters, I'll see if I can block it that way. It won't be anytime soon though, I have other issues to deal with first. Not least a new bathroom in my house!! Report Review
Hey, LeCygne here with your review.
First, my overall, personal appreciation. To be honest, it wouldn't be the kind of story I'd spontaneously write or read. But there may be a great deal of machism in that.
Anyway, it's still very pleasantly written, so it was not going to prevent me from reviewing.
In order to put that aside as fast as I can and go on with compliments, my main problem: you barely skim the surface of your text's potential by yourself.
This text would be the perfect introduction for something longer, but as a one-shot, it lacks deepness. The movement is alright, you went through god changes and perturbations. But you go too fast with them. Way too fast.
We have barely the time to seize any psychological insight you hint that you've changed them with your next move.
As a whole, it leaves us with the impression of a pleasant but unfinished business we have to fill with our own clichés. The frustration is even greater because it's obvious you designed your character deeply, and only gave us a glimpse.
Apart from that pacing issue -I recommend fewer moves or longer text- your writing it self is good. The way you introduce descriptions, in the flow of your text, is perfect for a one-shot. We picture the ambiance well, with descriptions and general rythm and tone, wich is excellent.
Sorry for being harsh, that's kind of my style, and I deserve no less...But again, I'm never harsh with hopeless writers, only with those who can improve greatly.
Happy writing!Author's Response: Hey!
First off, thanks a lot for reading & reviewing this, especially when it's not the kind of story you usually write/read. I'm happy you think it's pleasantly written, thanks :)
Hmm, I was afraid over the deepness, but I admit I'm a little careless person when it comes to details, yet I'll try and see what I can do to give my text more potential, and enhance its density.
I am a fast paced person, and I feel lingering too long becomes draggy, that's the way it is for me when I read, so it comes out in my writing. I'm afraid I can't do much about that :( Yet I appreciate your comments.
Well, it was supposed to be a one-shot, and I essentially think of one-shots as glimpses/scenes from a story, and not as an independent story on itself, so I write that way. I'm sorry for your frustration though, I'll see what I can do when I edit :)
I am glad to know you think my writing is good, and the descriptions & flow is good for a one-shot, and you find the ambiance well along with the tone & rhythm. That makes me feel that I haven't completely disappointed you with the story, so thank you :)
It's okay, I don't mind harsh, and I appreciate your critical comments. I always welcome constructive criticism. I'll keep your comments in mind when I do an edit of the story.
Thank you again for reading & reviewing :) Report Review
Hey, this is LeCygne, with your review. I'll make a single review for the three chapters. As I said, I preoccupy mostly with general pace, plotting, and characterization.
To be completely honest very fast: I'm not a great fan of your story. Not that it's bad or anything, but I'm definitely not an Hermione fan, particularly not in the very hard position you put her in.
To be fair though, your writing is pretty good. The mix between self-anger and self-pity that Hermione feels is leaking through the text. I also liked your Draco, who's exactly the "new man" with relent of his previous arrogance he should be.
So, there's not much to say about characterization.
I'll not be that dithyrambic with the pacing though. It is alright, and the text is quite pleasant to read. But you've chosen a very slow pace, wich I've no problem with, and it made of constant actions. There are descriptions in your text, but they're subbordinated to actions.
I think that ambiance also emanates from descriptions made for themselves, particularly in slow paced fiction. The world should have an independent rythm from your character, it may be as slow if it's seen from her eyes, or faster if you want to oppose it. But for now, it seems like the whole worlds is part of Hermione's neurastheny.
I realize this is a bit harsh, because actually it's not that terrible -it's even good. But it's easier explained in the extremes.
Also, your writing could be a little lighter sometimes, in style if not in ambiance. But that's very hard to point out precisely, so I won't dare to. Just be aware that you can stay slow with light sentences.
As a critic, I should've rated your text 8/10. But I'm also a reader, so it'll be 7/10.
Keep up the good work, and happy writing.Author's Response: Hey there! Sorry for the long wait for this response. I really appreciate your honesty, I've been attempting to work on what you've said here so I'll make this brief.
- I'm not usually all that great at writing women or grief so I decided to do it to challenge myself. I'm glad you like my Draco though, he is one of my favourite characters to write.
- I chose a slow pace so that I could make the fic as believable as possible as many these days throw them together for the sake of being together. I want their relationship to be as natural as it would be in real life.
- I've also been working on my descriptions, and finding that happy medium between emotions and physical things.
- As this is third person limited (to Hermione) I wanted the writing to somewhat reflect her emotions. It wont always be this slow and "emo"
Don't feel bad about being harsh. I very much appreciate it. It is a welcome change, to be truthful. It helps me understand my writing better when someone comes by and lets me know straight instead of beating around the candy bush.
I've also been attempting to work on lightening my writing style slightly, I've always had heavy sentences and my teachers always gave me flak for it. But if I can't change it, oh well. That's just my style.
Brittanique Report Review
I just reviewed the first story you published, and I'm going for it's exact opposite. In my opinion, this is yet the one-shot where you've shown the most mastery.
I still love the way you have to create a rythm so strong your text barely need any descriptions, just weel-places clues that leave to imagination and rythm to construct all the rest.
The fact that even your character answers to that silent music -oh, how do I love oxymorons- made it story your best work.
It's so easy to keep on composing from your text, I don't think I'd seen a text that fluid on the internet before. Reminds me just a tiny bit of Gao Xingjian -an author worth trying, by the way. Particularly on the way you have to evoke sadness.
There are still some very, very small details that feel like a note played a bit too heavily. ("But then again, he never could") But hey...It's still the right note.Author's Response: Thanks so much - it means a lot that you went through it. :)
I hear the words in my head as I write, so sometimes the story does end up adopting a rhythm, intentional or not. I'm glad you liked it though - I didn't want to go overboard on the description, especially because the big one was the one of the sunset.
That's one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten, so thank you! And I definitely will give that author a look.
There's always room for improvement, so thanks for pointing that out - I'll keep it in mind as I keep writing. Thank you very much for the review! :) Report Review
Interesting one-shot, but from what I read, not your best though.
It's very well written, and the rythm is excellent, you create a sort of litany that overpower everything in the story, so sounds, descriptions are not missed. It's quite impressive.
You also manage to give life to a back character of the books, but yet, I'm not an absolute fan. First and foremost, because I do not think this is how the banality of evil starts. You present it as a sort of logical consequence of powerlessness, wich is interesting actually. It's one way to look at it...
But in this case, why isn't there any kind of power transfer? You have to be extremely strong to be apply violence without fury, and be as lucid as this character seems to be -which is great by the way.
In this case, Goyle seems more a completely detached wizard, and I don't see him using Crucio or even making any kind of limited choice.
Still a very good story though, but I had to point it out :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! Yes, this was my first one, so it's definitely not my best! I like to leave it up as a reminder of where I started though. :)
I'm glad you pointed it out. There's definitely a lot of different ways to look at evil, power, and the desire for power and I can hardly pretend to really know what I'm doing! It's one interpretation, but you definitely brought up a lot of valid points. I see Goyle as someone who became of Death Eater out of peer pressure, mostly, and fear as he was protecting all that he knew. There's definitely a few things missing in his characterization, so I thank you for the wonderful feedback - it really does help me grow as a writer. :)
I appreciate the review a lot, thank you! Report Review
I couldn't even begin to express how much I like your story. But I'll give it a try anyway.
The fact that you managed to keep a nearly perfect rythm all the way through eleven long chapters is amazing. Your descriptions are very proactive, but yet you managed to create an ambiance with them so they feel like extremely natural, leaving just enough to imagination.
You plot-design are also very good, you managed to stay fidel to the books by concentrating on characters insights, wich is smart, but dangerous. Fortunately, you do it extremely well. Even if you don't use your full possibilities by moments it's a story and not a Freud casefile, so it's very good the way it is.
If I had to point out something, your dialog might be a bit too "written" sometimes. As if you can feel the quotes instead of forgetting them completely. It's not that annoying, as you write well enough, but it creates a sort of dichotomia with the in-character point of view you adopted. In a way, we read the writer, and not the characters.
It's something that is vital in narration of course, but in dialog, it's a bit off.
But that's a very minor and picky remark, only a small idea to improve again your fantastic writing.
By the way, as you asked. You master quite well the characters too, and you did a decent job with Luna, even if I think you might have pushed her innocence, happy-go-lucky type too far.
She's my favorite character from the books, because she's eccentric, but not completely unaware of her surroundings or effects. I don't think she's even naive, just a perfect fatalist, had she been broken or friendless she would have just grown into a cynic.
I actually think she becomes more and more conscious and insightful as books passes, and maybe even a bit calculative by the end. At least, that's "my" Luna, the way I read her.Author's Response: Hello there!
I'm so sorry for how long it actually took me to respond to your wonderful review. Life is completely crazy at the moment, and it was all I could do to just find some time to sit down and write and get rid of some of that tension. On the upside, I have at least some raw material to post.
That's a good tip there, and I shall try to heed it ;) Constructive criticism is always welcome.
I'm glad I managed to not make it sound like a 'casefile', as you put it - which was one of my concerns when I came up with the idea. I was not at all convinced switching point of view so often would work; but so far it seems it does.
Thank you so much for your opinion - and especially for taking the time to share it. I hope you'll be back and enjoy the rest of it as well.
Cheers, Leo Report Review
Excellent story, I of course can't judge for grammar and format, but you definitely have got style, and you really master dialog. It makes it really pleasant to read, and fun to follow.
I also love your interpretation of the next-gen characters, it's unexpected to say the least. And the particular atmosphere it gives to your world.
I'd argue that it's a bit fast-paced for my liking. Descriptions, or even narrations are good, but too rare. It seems to be fully intentional, it gives it a sort of urgency, a "shoulder cam" rythm if you like -definitely cinematographic.
But I still think you could take the time to install an ambiance, through details maybe. Maybe you've seen "Once Upon a Time in America", well, the endless coffee stirring scene would be awesome in your story.
Anyway, I'll follow the Game.Author's Response: Helloo xD Thank you, and I'm glad that it's unexpected- it's much more fun to write if people can't predict the events.
Timing is an issue, I guess, and it will slow down. I wanted to establish basics at first and, as you said, inject some urgency, but it will slow down and give you time to breathe xD
-Tasha Report Review
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