hi, this is cartoonheart94 with the requested review.
i have to say that the story compelled me at the first sentence. somewhere down the line i begun to wonder 'is this about the brothers peverrel?'
anyway, aside from that, i liked it very much, you've kept it all hush hush on their names and i am guessing that their father must be godric gryffindor? nice first chapter, albeit a little short but lovely.
until next time, your friend, Cartoonheart.Author's Response: Hi! Sorry it's taken me a few days to get to this, but I really appreciate you stopping by :)
This isn't going to be about the Peverell brothers, but good guess about their father :) I have no idea when I'll get around to updating, but this prologue just sort of came out and I had to go ahead and post it. Thanks so much for the feedback, and I'm happy you liked it!
--Maggie Report Review
hello, its cartoonheart again.
so, i have just read the chapter and i have to say that it looks like it'll pan out into a pretty decent story.
i like the way that even though draco is in trouble, you haven't made him seem all 'innocent and just a victim'. that way, you have still kept his personality intact and we the readers don't feel forced into feeling sorry for him. well done on that.
i like some of the british terms in there, such as 'loo'. most writers tend to forget that this is a british book and so it is a rarity to find such brit terms anymore, so cheers!
the breakup with pansy...well, i liked it, it seemed realistic based on where you're looking at it from. i personally thought that pansy would have been a little more snarky because of what i've seen in the books but its only fair to say that maybe she's softer when she's with draco (like we see in HBP when they on the train).
another thing that made me a little uneasy was that alastor and tonks referred to them by their first names, aren't they supposed to be on last name terms? but anyway, i like that tonks was still her bubbly self.
i like the way you've created narcissa, instead of being the innocent victim in her family's vendetta, she's the true embodiment of her name a narcissistic pureblood.
great story so far, i like it. 8/10
:) CartoonheartAuthor's Response: Hi, there!
My biggest goal for the story wasn't to make Draco sympathetic or warm and fuzzy, it was to make him realistic. He still harbors most of the same prejudices and character flaws that made him such a disagreeable antagonist in the first 5 books. But he's also just beginning to realize in this chapter that he *might* be in over his head. Not that it's going to change his approach to dealing with life right away. After all, being a snobby, arrogant brat has gotten him this far. So overall I'm pleased with your reaction.
I try to pepper in British terms to make the story sound more like the books where I can. I'm obviously culturally handicapped in that regard, but I have an awesome beta reader who floats me some suggestions and keeps me from messing up.
The thing with Pansy is that she really does care about Draco. They've been schoolmates for 5 years and a couple for some amount of time. But she doesn't care about him *enough* to go against her father's wishes. She probably doesn't care about anybody that much. She's a Slytherin, and she embraces those values.
Ah, Narcissa. Nothing has changed about her, at least not yet. She is much more aware of the danger that they're in, but she's not about to suddenly make up with her blood traitor sister or half-blood niece.
I'm really glad you're enjoying it. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Report Review
hi, this is cartoonheart94 with the requested review.
lovely start to a promising story and i think that so far you have managed to portray draco's arrogance well. the love scene between him and pansy was -dare i say- classy. i like how you put his thoughts in between all the lines and that also added to his character. you also put a little bit of everyone's personality through, which is generally a hard thing to do since most people just tend to focus solely on one person, but you gave a bit of back story or description, which is wonderful.
i look forward to the rest of the story, it's interesting, original and i like that it has canon underlying it.
well, all in all, good chapter.Author's Response: Hi!
Yes, Draco is quite a little twerp in this chapter, isn't he? He has a lot of growing up to do. Unfortunately for him, circumstances are about to make that happen a lot faster than he probably ever imagined.
Ha. I think you're the only reviewer thusfar who has called that scene "classy". My objective was to show Draco at the absolute peak of his self-indulgent egotism. Here is a moment where he believes that there is nothing in the world that he cannot have or, more to the point, that he does not deserve to have. And then it all goes terribly, terribly wrong...
I really glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
nice chapter, i like the way ron is so apt to taking responsibility for hermione and the baby, even goin to the extent of overworking himself. no complaints, good chapterAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing! :)
Glad you liked it and don't have any complaints!
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
okay, i don't even know where to start from. Just like in 'Once We Were Kings', this is another deliciously dark piece of literary work. like, where do you get your ideas from? and the repetitions, they are so lyrical, so poetic in an eerie sort of way, it was like listening to a broken record but never wanting to stop.
never once imagined anything like this and yet you put it on the table with flair and attitude. i have to say that from your request when you mentioned that it's unconventional, i was instantly curious as to why it is so.
your portrayal of the snapes is unique, it is the polar opposite of what canon hints, but somehow, it works. because who knows, severus' point of view could have been biased from his memories.
anyway, this is a lovely story, there is nothing negative i can say about it, you always deliver. so, spot on.
cartoonheartAuthor's Response: Hi darling! :) Thank you so much for reviewing!
Mind blown? I'll take that as a compliment! :P It is so incredibly dark, isn't it? You know, I don't know where I get these ideas from. They just come to me ready to be written - it's a bit odd! I love that you describe the repetitions as being like a broken record - that's definitely what I was going for!
You know, I don't know how I imagine anything like this either - it's this weird surreal writer thing or something! Flair and attitude? Haha, I love that, thank you!
I'm so glad you picked up on that! We see a horrid marriage from Snape's POV, but that is a rather limiting and biased view of their relationship. We really don't know exactly what happened in their relationship and I try to show that every time I write them!
Thank you so much for the absolutely lovely review! I do hope you enjoyed and I appreciate the wonderful feedback! :)
Shelby Report Review
hello, cartoonheart here again.
i read this chapter and i think it's still going good. you kind of lost me somewhere in the middle but i re-read it and all is well :)
i think that you have still managed to keep the characters real enough, though i would make hermione a little more smart-alecky, like she was in the books.
great chapter though, i look forward to seeing the next chapter.
your mate, cartoonheartAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing!
I'm glad you liked it and I'll go through it, see what I can change to Hermione.
Glad you liked it though and thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Hi, this is Cartoonheart94 from the forums with your requested review. i thought the beginning was really gripping, i could feel the desperation of alice trying to save her son. then i got to the part of the italics. you know, at first i thought they were just random quotes until i reached the 'james' bits. this made me re-read it and then i got confused.
i theorised at first that if might have been a conversation between james and lily, then james and one of the marauders. the dementor reference has made me conclude that it must be sirius talking to james.
anyway, aside from the confusing italic parts, i thought it was a pretty decent story, you portrayed alice's motherly instincts well and her fading into insanity was good as well.
i found a few spelling errors, but they were not so bad so i have decided not to dwell on them. good story, not so many frank/alice stories like this out there so nicely done.
your friend, Cartoonheart.Author's Response: Aww thanks love. I read it and thought it might be a little confusing, but since I know the story it was hard to tell. But I'll get to that as soon as I can :)
Oh yeah the spelling mistakes. I want to edit this story further, so I'll take all your comments into consideration when doing so.
thank you so much for the review love :D
*Hugs* Report Review
hi, this is cartoonheart94 with your requested review.
so far, i think i like where this story is headed. You got in so many details in so little words and this could either be disastrous or genius, but good for you, it went the other way. i felt like i was given the adequate background info on the characters without feeling like i had just been dipped in an angsty pool of the without. i think so far, you have managed to keep the characters in character and that is another thing i like about it.
i noticed a few grammar flaws but nothing too severe to worry about, it was a good chapter, one with a promising plot ahead.
-Cartoonheart-Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!
I'm glad you like it and where it is going and I have requested a beta so hopefully those little grammer mistakes will clear up!
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
oh my goodness.this is so...i absolutely...i'm in shock. a good shock though.
i love it!Author's Response: Haha, oh, I love your reaction! It means I'm doing my job! I do hope you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review - I really appreciate it! :) Report Review
what! it's over??? huh...wha..what!
so, like do they ever get happy? do they ever find true love, does henry's mom stop drinking? omg! you can't do this to me.
that was an amazing chapter, i'm sad it's over, are you doing a sequel? please do one :)Author's Response: I haven't given it much thought, but maybe I will! I don't know if they could ever get back together though, but maybe I could try writing a sequel and put it up if it is worth the time! Haha, thank you! I am glad that you want to know what happens to them. I guess, for now, you will have to imagine what happens! :) But keep checking in case I do write an epilogue as a one-shot or something extra for this story, because now that you are curious, I kind of want to write something!
But otherwise, thank you so much for sticking with this story, you definitely gave me a lot of good advice throughout it, and I will definitely keep those pointers in mind when I work on other stories, so thank you!! :)
~AlwaysSev Report Review
another great chapter. sorry i've been awol for a while, i sort of was caught up with something. anyway, enough excuses, that was an amazing chapter, but just one question, when does it get happy? i'm so sad for rose and henry right now, anyway, off to the next chapterAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review, and I am glad to see you back :) Thank you, I am glad you liked it. About it getting happy, well, don't get your hopes too high! For some reason, I couldn't figure out any way that they end up happy together! Thank you for your review, it means a lot to me!! Report Review
hehehe! i like that you've added another guy in the picture. great chapter, it's kind of funny the way draco has transitioned from being the bully to being the bullied, i guess karma hurts huh? nice chapter, please post another one soonAuthor's Response: I believe another chapter is up now... I actually hate writing scenes with Gianna/Leon together; it makes me want to puke. Thanks for the review, once again! Report Review
another great chapter!!! i really like this, and first person or third person, i think the story is great no matter who's point of view it's coming from, on to read the next chappie. :)Author's Response: Glad you like it still :) I think I'm gonna stay in first person for some continuity. Report Review
finally reviewing this chapter! sorry for late reviews :(.
i really like this chapter and i got to get a glimpse of kaleb and gianna's relationship. well done! i liked itAuthor's Response: Hey don't worry about not reveiwing; I have been slacking off on writing chapters anyway, when I thought this summer would be my chance in finsihing this darn story. No chance now... But thanks for reviewing all the same.
And yes, Gianna and Kaleb's relationship is an interesting one. Gianna cares for her younger brother, but he takes it for granted, focusing on other, less real things in his life, and not the real deal. Report Review
okay, it's official:i think i'm in love with fred.
another brilliosso chapter!!! please update soon, i can't wait to see what happens nextAuthor's Response: Aw, thank you so much! I love Freddo so much. I definitely have way too many soft spots for him. Thanks! Report Review
i like how sappy you've made james, as opposed to his usual playboy persona most authors give him (me included). lovely chapter, i like how it flows.
sorry for the crummy review but i can't wait to read the next chapterAuthor's Response: I love sappy James. He absolutely cracks me up. His heart is only for Ollie, which I love. Thanks! Report Review
i really like where this story is going. it has a balance of humour and seriousness that most stories fail to achieve without seeming overdone.
poor fred, i guess he's really done it this timeAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! I wanted to do something more serious with some humor since my other story (BTQC) was humor with a bit of serious. Nice balance, I think. Thank you! Report Review
interesting first chapter, it's quite rare finding stories written from Fred's point of view, so kudos for that. moving on to the next chapter, nicely doneAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! I have an extreme fondness for Fred so I'm glad other people are interested in reading from his point of view. Thank you! Report Review
another great chapter!!!
i like this relationship between rose and henry, it's really fragile and borderline crazy. i hope it doesn't turn unhealthy, though it would be fun to watch.
please post another chapter soonAuthor's Response: I am working on getting another chapter posted! For some reason I have had this crazy writers' block with this story in particular, but once I sit down and try I can usually get something to work! I will definitely work on it in the upcoming weeks as I have a lot of time. I hope you keep up with it! I just need to wait for the queue to open up after the break, and then there should be a new chapter soon! Thank you so much!! Report Review
the plot thickens:
i love this! we get to see how magic could come between the two, i really hope they don't get separated though. great chapterAuthor's Response: This chapter was definitely a turning point in the story, and when I was thinking about writing it, it seemed like magic would definitely come between them no matter how hard Rose tried to make it not. I am glad that you are liking the plot! Thanks again for your awesome reviews! Report Review
nice chapter, i like the way the characters are so sincere and believable now. its a bit sad, but i like it, keep on writing, sorry for the crummy review, i have to move on to the next chapterAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! i am glad that you have seen progress in the story, because at the beginning you really helped me with what I needed to focus on in the characters. It has been so nice to read your reviews throughout the piece! Thanks again! And the review was definitely not crummy :) Report Review
eewww! draco threw up! lol! i like this chapter, it shows a side to mcgonagall that is rarely seen, like it's not everyday that she shed a tear.
and harry is the new DADA professor? all i can say is, poor draconis.
anyway, great chapter, on to the next one.Author's Response: Yes, I wasn't sure if how I portrayed McGonagal really was acurrate, but Dumbledore's death was serious stuff, and I liked writing Harry in there with her as well. It gave a lot of insight on what was happening. I'm stil debating on whether to keep writing in third person; but so far I've switched my writing to 1st. Glad you like; new chapters shall be posted more regularly (more regular? most regularly?) as its summer and I have more time. Thanks! Report Review
i kind of stumbled upon this story by mistake and haven't stopped reading ever since! i really really love it, it's different and has a fresh approach to the whole angsty malfoy stories!
may i also say that stories that have original characters of colour as the main people in the story are hard to come by and i was really glad when i saw this one, job well done. please publish another chapter soonAuthor's Response: Thanks for the encouragement! New chapter up now! Report Review
okay, this story is getting interesting, in direct words, i can't stop reading! please keep writing, i want more!!!Author's Response: Just posted a new chapter! Thanks for keeping up with it! I will be working on it as much as possible in the next couple of weeks. Thanks again for all your reviews, they have certainly helped me a lot during this process! Report Review
hi, i finally read this chapter and i really like it! i like that you are now giving the characters more reading-time by separating them and giving them a chapter each. so far, i like where this is going.
PS: sorry for going AWOL on you for so long! i was just working on my story and i kind of got caught up. anyway, i'm back now. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for all of your feedback, and thank you for sticking with it! And don't worry about taking a while, it might take me a while to get the next chapter up, just because life has been so hectic lately, but keep checking back :) eventually there will be a new chapter. I am glad you like that they are split up! I think I will continue with it, at least for a while because it makes sense with the story getting more complicated! Thank you so much again for your reviews, you have helped me so much with the whole process! Report Review
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