So I'm here to review for the challenge, sorry its sort of been a really really long time since the deadline, real life has been busy lately with school starting, but I promise I'm getting through the entries little by little :)
Onto your story
I thought this was really cute, I feel like you captured Ron's sort of awkwardness when talking about the boyfriend talk, and at the same time he was totally accepting with everything, even though he was clearly shocked when he first found out who it was. The ending especially with Rose kicking of the ground right after she dropped the news on Ron. Very sweet.
If I had one complaint it would be that I would've liked a little more description. You have a lot of dialouge, but it would've been nice if you went into maybe some details about their surroundings, how they looked a bit more, even maybe a little paragraph about how the weather was really good for flying. I feel like it would enhance the story a bit more.
But over all you did great with the defying cliche concept, thanks for entering my challenge Report Review
Hi here with your requested review
Sorry for the obcenely long turn over time, I went away for a week and then I got pnuemonia, so my reviews have just been getting pushed back and back and back. But I'm here now right?
So again I thought this was aa very good chapter. I really love Hufflepuff's narration I think of all things, its the narration that really brings out the best characterization in this story. It definitely seems of the past and I can clearly see the personality coming out. But then I think I've already told you this.
Again I think you've still got your characters down. Everyone seems extremely realistic, and I liked meetting Godric's wife in this chapter. I think its different by the way that you've already given him a happy family, and I think I love the fact that you've written it that way.
There was one aspect that I think you could work on though. This chapter felt like a lot of dialouge, and I thought that was fine. I wish that you would add some more narration between the dialoug though. For instance when Helga was talking to Elaine you had the dialouge but then in between each statement you had a bit of Helga's thoughts or a snippet of what was happening around her. That part was excellent. I think if you could extend what you did there it would improve this chapter a lot. Not only would your paragraphs look a bit meatier instead of just having one line then an enter and then another line, but when you add things like that it makes your writing seem much more mature. You don't have this issue throughout the chapter. You seem to go in and out of it. But yeah I thought I'd point it out
Anywho overall this was another excellent chapter. So keep up the good work
-BWAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks so much for the awesome review! And I'm sorry you've been sick, but I hope you're feeling better now :)
Hey, don't worry about telling me things twice...I love to hear it! I'm trying to show the characters' personalities through Helga's eyes, and also to make her narrative seem firmly planted in that era. I'm glad it seemes to be working that way!
I've seen a lot of Founders fics that focus on Godric romance, and I thought giving him an established wife and family might be an interesting twist. And I love Elaine as a character. I hope I get more opportunities to write her :)
I get what you mean about the dialogue thing. I did try to put in some details and things in between the lines of dialogue, but I see that I didn't do a great job of that in the Rowena scene. I'll keep working on it! Thanks for the tip :)
I'm glad you liked the chapter, and I'd love to re-request for the fourth if you're not too busy. I'm working on ch. 5 right now, so hopefully it will be up soon :) Thanks again for the help!
--Maggie Report Review
Hey there here with your requested review (finally)
Sorry about the long turn around time. I've been away so this was the soonest I could get to this.
Anywho I don't really see why you were so worried about this. I thought that you pulled off the believability of it pretty well. There was chemistry between James and Sirius, and at the same time I feel like they were in character which sort of suprised me (being that I generally don't associate slash fics with either of them). But I did see the fun loving guys come out in both of them and at the same time the more serious parts of them.
Flow and pacing were good. You transitioned nicely from them entering to Peter exiting to them healing James to the kiss to the end. Everything was smooth and didn't feel rushed in any way.
I actually don't even have any concrit for your story, not even a spelling error that I could point out. It was a rather well written. So good job.
Keep up the good work
-BW24Author's Response: Eeeep, sorry for taking long to respond! RL and family crap have both really been getting on top of me lately. >.<
I'm glad you liked the story :) And yay to there being chemistry between James and Sirius! Haha, my favourite Marauder slash pairings are James/Remus, James/Sirius and Remus/Sirius (in that order), so I definitely associate slash fics to both characters. I can see why you wouldn't, though, especially James, considering he was with Lily and everything.
It's great to know you liked the flow and pacing -- I do think this was a bit rushed and needs a tidy-up, so it means a lot that you thought it was well-done.
Thank you for the lovely review!
~Soraya~ Report Review
This was really good. The emotions that you had going on were really realistic. Your take on Albus was really interesting. He actually annoyed me sort of, and I really love that he annoyed me because it was something different. I am sort of pictureing him as Percy in Harry's body, if that makes any sense whatso ever.
I also really loved your OC's character. She seemed really ecentric, and quirky, but at the same time not crazy like Luna. So like a sensible Luna. Definitely not the stereotypical Ravenclaw (stingy know it all type of person).
The one thing would be the last line 'Better to be happy alone, than miserable together.' Its got this weird indent to it. Like its not centered but its not completly to the left. Its really not that big a deal, and I'm probably the only one who is going to take the time to point this out (I've got serious formatting OCD), but yeah you might want to pick a spot, either to the left completely, or centered completely.
Anyway this was quite good, I loved your characters, hope to see you around the BvB battle some time soon.
BW24Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you enjoyed my different take on Albus Potter. Because this was a break up story, I didn't want to make him too nice. I never thought about him being like Percy, but yeah... I guess I can picture that now! :)
Melinda (my OC) is rather quirky. She doesn't follow the crowd, much like Luna, but she is a bit more down-to-earth than Luna.
Aughhh... The last line? I never noticed that. When I edit this (sometime in the very distant future... Time is short!) I will definitely fix that!!
Thanks so much!
~~UnluckyStar57 Report Review
Aw poor Albus :(
I love that you spent the entire chapter just sort of focusing on his feelings which I thought were portrayed pretty realistically.
Every emotion that passed through his head seemed well thought through. From him being bothered by Roxanne's crush on Scorpius, to him feeling terrible about himself just because he's gay. I think the last paragraph really pulled on my heart strings. Especially because I could totally see the entire thing happening with Ron saying that he didn't approve of being gay then Albus sitting there thinking that there is something wrong with him. Its really terrible, but its realistic.
I really don't have much concrit on this chapter, it was excellently written. I think in the last chapter I told you to work on your sentence structure, but this chapter definitely didn't have that problem, it was just perfect.
So keep up the good work,
-BWAuthor's Response: Thank you for your kind review! I'm glad you liked this chapter, and that you appreciated that it focus on Albus's emotions. He is feeling and thinking a lot, and sometimes I might wright too much of it. Report Review
Hey here with your requested review :)
Alright so heres what I gather after reading this. First off, I can tell that you have a good amount of promise as an author, you said this is your first peice in the begginning note right? Well usually first time authors don't have that much description, and their paragraphs are rather short. You on the other hand have put in some description, and you're paragraphs are sizable enough.
That being said, there are some areas you could work on.
You asked me if you should make the voice more formal? You shouldn't. Keep it as informal as possible, a good 1st person narrative gives you good insight into your OC's personality. If she's being formal, we'll get a formal personality from her which I don't think your going for.
Now that being said, I feel like her voice could be a little bit more organized. When you want to say something try and state it pretty clearly and don't go away from it and come back to it three paragraphs later. If you do want to leave off on another thing then come back to the topic, you have to have a good transition to make it seem sensible. Does that make sense? I noticed this particularly when you were giving me backround. It was like she was talking about her family then onto about how she wants to be elsewhere next summer giving us some names of her friends then you get back to the fam then you go on to how she's a Slytherin, then you go back to the fam while relateing it to the fact that she's a Slytherin. Basically this chapter could just use a little more structure. If that makes sense.
Also make sure your describing peoples actions as you go. Towards the end Albus shows up tells Becky off, then Becky disappears. Does she leave? What is her reaction to Al's telling her off? Or is she standing there awkwardly as Cataline thanks Albus for defending her? Then what about James? Where did he go? You told us that he sort of fizzled like he decided better than to prank Becky, but then what? Did he slip into a compartment out of view? Did he turn around and walk away? Is he standing there awkwardly as Cat stands there awkwardly trying to think of a reaction to Becky's no friend comment? Get the picture.
Basically you need to put some structure into this chapter. I know that you understand exactly who she is and whats going on, but your reader doesn't, and you need to make it as obvious as possible so that your reader does understand what's happening.
Your writing does show a lot of promise though. If you just edit this through a bit more, it could be a really great story.
Hope this review wasn't too critical.
-BWAuthor's Response: This was a great review, thank you. (: And yep, it's my first written piece (I've RPed before, but never written a novel/one shot/ect).
I am going through and making some editing changes to sentance structure/detail, so this will hopefully smooth out the trail offs that you pointed out, (Rebecca and James, as well as Albus' expression). I think that I was too preoccupied with giving background information that I wasn't focusing too much on the actual plot. :/ (Silly me). Now I know what I need to go back and fix.
But yes! Organized writing, maybe not the thing I'm best at, but definitely something now to work on in future chapters, as well as in edits of this one. This was what I was getting at when I was describing formality... I guess that was horrible wording, but now that I think on what was bothering me, I see it more as flow of thought rather than formal voice.
I understand where you're coming from, I'm going to go through and make a bunch of edits concerning the direction of thoughts and coherency.
The review wasn't too critical at all. How is it possible to become a better writer unless someone points out the faults?
Thank you for your views, they are greatly appreciated, and I'll work on what you suggested.
-Sarcastic Report Review
AH POOR HARRY!
right I've collected myself, so... here with your requested review.
This was really really well put together. The way you had Harry's insanity building throughout the entire thing was extrememly realistic. In fact I found him being insane extremely realistic. I could completely see him going mad, especially if in this alternate universe, there was nothing stopping Voldy from getting into Harry's head.
I thought over all that your characterization of everyone else was spectacular. With Sirius at the dinner table, Cho brushing off Harry's attack, and Hermione being all concerned. It was all very good.
The one thing that bothered me was at the very end, I felt like your characters didn't react enough to Ginny dropping the 'oh yeah by the by Harry's in St. Mungos.' I felt like they should've seemed more like upset over that. Even if they already knew I feel like maybe Ron would clench his jaw, and maybe Ginny would have a hard time saying the name St. Mungo's out loud. Subtle things, but still things. The impression I got after reading this was that they were more outwardly concerned about him knowing about Sirius. Which I understand that, but still I feel like there should've been some sort of reaction to the entire St. Mungos thing... unless Harry's been there the entire time and this is all happening in his head o.O. If that's the case then ignore most of what I just said.
Anyway other than that one little bit at the end, the rest was flawless, grammar, pacing, flow, were all done spectacularly well. You are a very gifted author.
So keep up the good work
-BWAuthor's Response: Thank you for being willing to stop by and have a look at this for me! :) I love writing about Harry's mental state -- or, sometimes, the lack thereof. I'm not sure why, but it's something that's really fascinating for me. If I ever get a good idea, I'd love to do a Harry-centric novel someday. So I'm very glad that you enjoyed this!
I work hard to keep my characters as in canon as possible, so I'm glad you found them to be so! And I do understand where you're coming from with the end bit. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are all fully aware that Harry's gone to St. Mungo's in that portion of the story; the shock value's sort of gone from it, if that makes sense. And you have to understand that Harry's not fully insane. He cracked, yes, but he's very much /normal/ before and after his episodes. ;) Thank you for commenting on that, though!
Thank you again for reviewing this for me -- I really do appreciate it very much. :3 I hope you've enjoyed the story, and I'll see you around, I'm sure! Report Review
Wow, this looks like a really interesting story.
AU can be a little tricky some times, especially when you start mixing things up so much. Its hard to let your reader know what changes exactly you made to your reader. That being said I think you did a wonderful job pulling this off. I wasn't confused about really anything after reading your first chapter.
The actual idea seems extremely interesting. I can see you using a lot of fairy tale motifs with the evil uncle who tries to kill the king and king's son. And I'm extremely interested to see where you're going with this.
Poor Sirius though, you go and give him a better relationship with his father than he had in the books, just to kill the man off in chapter 1!
Any who great first chapter, I hope to see you around the BvB battle some time soon :)
-BWAuthor's Response: This SHOULD be an interesting story, I hope! :)
AU can be tricky and it needs to be done well but it's A LOT of fun to play around with. I'm really glad you weren't confused about things. I try to explain everything as much as I can, but obviously some things can get lost in translation.
Yes, fairy tales are definitely incorporated into the main themes of this fic and were a huge inspiration for its writing. I do hope you come back soon to check out more.
Haha, yeah, I did kill off his father pretty quickly, but I didn't want certain things to drag on and while his father's death is certainly a catalyst, it's not a huge aspect of the story itself.
Glad you liked it! Hope to see you back and thanks for the review! Report Review
Hi so this was another really good chapter.
I thought that your characterization of Hermione was excellent. She seems just like the brilliant Hermione from the book (I could totally see her muggle job being in medicine). I think the part I liked best was that we sort of saw her curiosity bloom in this chapter. It was like seeing Ron unlocked this part of her (the curious half) and then set it loose looking for answers. Then I liked that you have her doing it without Ron. As bad as I want them together, it really furthered her character to do it without him (being a stranger and all). Hermione was never the most trustful person, so I think that this reflects that.
I also liked that you had Ron saying Hermione's name in his sleep. That sort of implied that their memory is still in there, which you know we are all hoping it is.
Anyway this was another good chapter, I really don't have any complaints about it. It feels sort of weird not leaving any CC, but oh well :)
Keep up the great work,
-LizAuthor's Response: Hey Liz, I'm Liz, too! :D
I was always so afraid of writing Hermione, but I found myself enjoying it immensely. It's great to hear you liked her characterization. And that's exactly what I was going for with this chapter, Hermione unlocking a whole new part of her thanks to meeting Ron. Thank you for picking up on that. :)
I'm glad you liked the two chapters and thanks for reading and reviewing. Report Review
Hi here with your requested review
So I thought that this was a cute idea. You don't really see Hermione/Krum stories around that often, I guess because people would rather see Hermione with either Harry, Ron, or Draco (some more major characters). But I think that you caught the gist of their relationship as in Hermione wasn't used to the attention and was flattered by it. You did that part, with Hermione's feelings very well.
There was one thing that bothered me about Viktor. I don't think that really anyone would talk the way he did. In a sense, he sort of poured his heart out to her. He said all the buzz words from 'your pretty' to 'I'm attracted to you'. How many seventeen year old boys would say 'I'm attracted to you' or 'I find you attractive'? Not many. I'd picture him being sort of sheepish, and well not a man of many words. He probably wouldn't complement her appearance unless Hermione specifically brought it up, or unless there was a situation where that would seem appropriate. (like when he first sees her before the ball). But while asking her out, I don't think that he would say anything like that. Maybe you could keep in one or two 'I think your prettys' but when you start using the word attactive, it becomes unrealistic.
I do think that this is a promising story though. If you just worked out the kinks with Krum, it'd be great.
Hope this helped
-BWAuthor's Response: Guys almost always compliment a pretty girl's appearance... especially when it comes to asking them out. That's why I included that. But I totally see what you mean about being excessive over it! Thanks for the review :))) Report Review
Wow, this was very intense. I could just feel the stress and confusion radiateing off the narration of poor Mary.
I thought that Alzheimers was a pretty brave topic to write about. I know that a lot of people probably can relate to this, I know I can. My grandma has alzheimers, and every time we go visit her she thinks we are her old neighbor's kids. Its rather depressing.
Since I do have a little bit of backround knowledge on the disease though, I can honestly say that I thought this chapter really embodied the feelings that went along with it. Everything from the confusion she feels, to the pain that Arthur feels.
The entire 5 ways to die thing was an interesting way to organize things. It made the emotions seem more intense since we know that she's dying, but since there are five different ways you really illuminate the idea of a slow death. Its very sad, but it was good.
Anyway, great one shot, everything was very well written. Hope to see you around the BvB battle some time again soon :)
-LizAuthor's Response: Hi Liz! Thank you for reviewing (and nominating this for SOTM :P).
Alzheimer's is actually a surprisingly common disease, and it's all the more awful becasue there really is nothing anyone can do about it. You're right- lots of people can relate. i don't know why, but I find it quite important that people can relate to my writing.
Yay! I'm so pleased you think so :)
See youa round the CR ;)
-Annon Report Review
Wow this was a really excellent chapter. I mean the entire idea that you have going on here is just so original I love it.
All the emotions you have going on in this seemed very real. The ones in the begginng with Harry and Ginny were so intense, it just broke my heart to see the two of them trying to cope with Hermione and Ron's disappearances. Then when you introduced Ron with Chelsea, and Herione and Jeremy, I was happy to see that they were happy, but sad because they weren't together.
I really appreciated though the way things were structured. I loved how you introduced the fact that they were missing and then gradually spun it so that they were thrust back together with this car crash. You've left me with a lot of questions about everything and I'm very interested to see where you go with this.
The one thing that I wasn't crazy about with this chapter was the very first paragraph. I felt like between the she's with the bird and the she's as in Ginny, it was slightly confusing. I'd maybe go back and make the owl a he, it'd clear things up a bit.
Other than that this was a flawless chapter. I loved it. Feel free to rerequest in the future :) Keep up the good work
BWAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. I really like writing emotions to the point of being scared whether I'm not overdoing it. It's good to know it was okay in this chapter. I hope that if you keep reading, you'll find the answers to your questions satisfying.
I'll look into that paragraph and maybe will try to rephrase it. Thanks for pointing it out.
And thanks so much for this review. I'm happy that you liked it and thought it was interesting. I'll be happy to re-request. Report Review
Here with your requested review :)
Alright, so I thought that this story had its goods and its bads. So I think I'm going to do a pro con list for you.
Ron's characterization. I thought the way he reacted to everything was quite realistic. He seemed hurt, and upset, and he did this in a completely Ron way, if that makes sense.
Also I thought Hermione was done well, I thought the entire 'I didn't want to hurt his feelings' and then being crushed when he did was completely her.
Harry I'm sort of iffy about. He seemed a little less I don't know how to explain this, but I'm going to say he seemed less secure in the books. A little more angsty I guess. That being said this takes place a little after the books, and its resonable that he is actually less angsty at this time because Voldemort isn't trying to kill everyone Harry loves anymore. So your Harry is certainly possible.
I don't think you have to lable your flash back. Just sort of say 'and then Ron drifted back into memories he tried to forget' (or something to that effect) and then switch to italics. It would make the piece seem smoother on the eyes.
Also I feel like you should add more in between Ron's reaction to him finding out Hermione was cheating, and him forgiving her. The way I read it I feel like he walked in saw it, then forgave him five minutes later. Maybe try and say he ran, and then after living in this state of pain for a week or so Hermione found him and gave her the apoligy. You could add like a lengthy paragraph of description on his feelings. It would make the pacing seem a bit smoother, and I just feel like it would make things a bit more realistic. It takes a little while for someone -especially Ron who can be known to hold grudges- to get over something like cheating.
Anyway overall I think you did a good job with this. So keep up the good work
-BW24Author's Response: Hey, thanks for reviewing and very organised :)
I'm glad you liked the characterisation of Ron and Hermione since they are the main people I write about. I don't really write about Harry so I'll go back and see what I can do with him.
I'll go back and edit it so thanks for the cc, it's really helpfull :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Wow this was intense. My heart is breaking for poor Dom, and Lorcan. I can tell that he was really loved by everyone.
This was a really well done chapter though. I thought it was excellent how you put it together. You gave me just enough information to sort of understand what was going on, but then you left me with a lot of questions. It was really a great set up for a story. I want to know who killed Lorcan.
Then you adde the stuff about Lysander and I can sort of tell where you're going with this story, but at the same time its definitely not the type of story that you just sort of know what's going to happen because its so cliche. No, this is very orginal.
I liked how you incorperated a lot of the Next Gen characters without making things seem crowded. You stuck in Albus in there, and Scorpius and Rose (by the by I love that they're just together, and that they seem to genuinely like/love each other), but most of everyone was just mentioned in passing, and you didn't talk about everyone. You mentioned them as they came up.
I did see one typo, when Dom is talking to Lysander she says : "I though you wouldnt remember" thought should have t on the end.
Other than that one little thing I thougt this was excellent. so keep up the good work, and I hope to see you around the BvB battle again sometime :)
-BW Report Review
Alright this chapter is my new favorite chapter in this story. I loved the way that you refer to the Keeper. You gave him a name, but the way that you just say The Keeper makes him seem like an authority figure. Then I loved his characterization. He seemed quite cunning. The way that he sort of brings everything up about Scorpius clearly saying that Scorpius doesn't hate her but then sort of doing it in this way that feels like he's daring her to challenge him had me holding onto my seat the entire time waiting to see what was going to happen next
The way your sort of are characterizing Scorpius through other people. You know the way the keeper sort of says that Scorp doesn't talk about Dom at all. Its perfect and it makes me think that he loves her too, but then its pretty clear that there is going to be a lot of drama before everything is cleared up.
There was one bit that left me going What??? you said this:
"And she already felt replaced, because suddenly there was this girl Carmella was dating - not that long, but they were dating - and the Captain lifted her on his shoulders after the matched ended, celebrating because they had won. And the girl looked smug and Carmella looked satisfied and the Captain wasn't looking at all. Looking everywhere but at Dominique."
And I loved the entire The captain wasn't looking at all thing, it was quite poetic. I really don't understand what's going on here though. Is the captain dating this girl? Is Carmella dating this girl because I'm pretty sure Carmella is a girl, and if she is then is she gay? I didn't see any slash warnings on your story so I'm going to say she isn't gay. But yeah I'm a little confused :P
Also I saw one typo you wrote this :
"everything ugly and t just made her so "
I think you meant ugly and it, with an i. Its not that big a deal, but I thought I'd point it out.
Anyway I'm still in love with this story, and I will be stalking it for your next update because I ned to know what happens next :) So update soon
-Liz Report Review
Hi I'm back :)
So I think I loved this chapter even more than the last one because you took Carmella and you had her lie, which means that this entire thing is all about how her lie effects Dom and Scorp.
Peregrine is such an amazing friend, his characterization was really great in this chapter.In fact I can tell the entire team was really close and so I can sort of understand why everyone is reacting so extremely to this rift in the zen.
I'm loving Scorpius more and more by the minute. He doesn't seem to fit into any of the cliches that people like to shove him into . He isn't a bully like Draco. He might be popular, but he doesn't seem all that charismatic. He is like that quiet hard leader that no one truely knows and I love that you're writing him like that. Its perfect
And then when he just sort of ignores her apoligy, I loved it.
Anyway I'm goingn to cut this review short and save some gushing for chapter 3 :)
-Liz Report Review
Here with your requested review...
I LOVED THIS.
I have been on the hunt for a Next Gen fic that I could stalk for the past several weeks. The problem has always been that the majority of them are al cliche, and generally all have the same story line (boy and girl are rivals, then they fall in love) I've been searching for something really original. The problem is that finding something original is really really hard. But I've found it in your fic.
Everything about this was wonderful. I love the way you write. Its just so poetic. And the way that you tied in this entire lie thing. I love it!
The way you called Scorpius The Captain, and didn't name the Keeper, or the one Chaser was great. Its gave them this air of mystery, and I loved it.
Then when she blew up on Scorpius, the way he seemed so calm about it. I love his character by the by. It was so perfect
Then I loved the last line. "It wasn't as if she had been in love, anyway." The repititon of that throughout the entire peice was great and then you ended it on that, which made it even more amazing.
So this review isn't very co herent. Its mostly me just rambling about how much I'm in love with this story which you know is very constructive, but whatever :) . Point being, I LOVED THIS.
Now usually I would leave off saying feel free to re request for another review or somthing to that effect, but don't bother re requesting because I know I'm just going to go ahead and review the next chapter now (and the next one) without a request because this one was so amazing.
So yeah this was really really really really good. I can't wait to see what you do with the next chapter :)
-Liz Report Review
Hey here with your requested review :)
Alright so I'm thoroughly enjoying your story. I think that this is probably the best founders fic that I've read. I feel like this was a sizeable improvement on the last chapter. Mostly because it didn't feel crammed with backround. Instead I got to read a little more into your characters, and I didn't feel like I was suffocating with all of this information.
Your characterization of everyone is excellent. Every one is so mysterious. I really really loved the dynamic between the founders. Its like they don't really know each other all that intimately. They're strictly buisness partners, except that the lines blur occasionally and they have these conversations like the one Helena and Salazar had.
And of course I liked the diction as well. You've done a wonderful job with making them seem like they were from another era without making it hard on your reader.
I also want to point out how I like that you seem to have changed the way the school has been run. It definitely seems like there isn't a headmaster, and you've sort of eluded to the fact that some students study with the founders i.e. Rowena had Evan as her student. Although it was clear that they did teach other students at times.
You asked about Salazar, and you really don't need to worry about him. His characterization was spot on. I felt like you got in all the cunning and such, but he doesn't seem like he is evil. Sort of like the way you see some people write Snape. And I thought that fire was an interesting thing for a bogart to turn into for him. Deffinitely a good cliffie.
Anyway great chapter. Feel free to re request any time you want :)
-BW24Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for coming back, I really appreciate the review :)
Wow, what an awesome compliment! It's great to hear that you think this is on par with other Founders fics, and I hope you continue to enjoy it. And I'm glad you're seeing improvement...that's definitely the direction I want to be headed :P
I did want to try and keep a little mystery about the characters at the beginning, but more will be revealed as the story goes forward. You're right, they don't know each other super well at this point, since they've just started teaching together. But they are on good terms with each other, so I hope to show some more of those "line-blurring" moments between the four of them.
I'm glad to hear the writing isn't hard to read...I definitely didn't want that! Sometimes I worry it doesn't sound ancient enough, but my first priority was making sure the reader wasn't frustrated or lost in all the medieval-sounding language (I never know how to spell midieval :/)
I love that comparison between Snape and Salazar! He definitely isn't an evil guy, but he's not exactly pleasant either, and I'm glad that comes out here. And the fire thing will come up again later :)
Thanks for the review, and I'm so glad you're liking this! I'll definitely re-request :)
--Maggie Report Review
Wow, this was amazing.
I've never thought about the house at Godric's Hallow as a prison, but now that you've brought it up, I can see exactly how Lily would view the house as a prison. Especially because I couuld see her having more connecions in the outside world that she couldn't talk to, while I got the impression from the books that James did have some communication with his best friends.
I love how you related the house to a burial ground. Again its one of those things that you don't think about, but when you hear it it sounds very accurate.
And then the last line, that was my favorite. The way you went through the colors describing where each was from then leaviing the last one Green for your reader to infer was perfect. I thought you executed the entire don't mention who's talking thing really well.
Again this was really well written and I don't think I can think of one complaint. So good job.
Hope to see you around the BvB battle again some time.
-LizAuthor's Response: Hi Liz,
That's definitely what I was thinking. It might have kept them safe, but it had to have been very hard for Lily to be isolated.
I'm glad that the imagery at the end worked for you, as did the ambiguity. I wanted it to be a bit mysterious at first, but still obvious once you thought about it that it was Lily.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! Report Review
Here with your requested review (finally)
Aw, this was sooo sad. I swear its stories like these that really make you want to yell at JKR for killing off poor Fred.
Everything about this peice was perfect. I loved the emotion you portrayed (heartbreaking though it is). I feel like you really captured another side of Ginny here. A lot of people like showing her as a sort of angry red head who dates a million boys. I loved that you didn't do that. She seemed sensitive here, and of course devistated. The way you mentioned her boyfriends didn't make her sound like she had a billion ga gillion of them. It was like she was just a normal teenager who dated a few guys.
I don't think I saw one error with spelling, or grammar. The pacing was perfect, the flow was perfect.
This was just brilliant. I read a lot of fics, that are like half way there. They are good, but there are
areas that need work. I can happily say that I don't see one thing that I could critisize about this piece. It was short, but sweet.
So really just a great job. Keep up the good work
-BW24Author's Response: Hi! Thank you! Your review made my day :P
I'm glad you liked Ginny :) I hate it when she's made out to be a girl who dates every boy she meets. It annoys me. She dated three guys, if I remember correctly.
I'm glad you thought it was good! I was nervous about this piece, because it's hard to write this way. So I'm glad you liked it!
~Sara Report Review
Hi here with your requested review :)
Alright so right off the bat I want to say that the concept is great. I love the idea that Lily sees Fred after he died. And the way you left off this chapter as such a cliffie I thought that was good. Now given that I did think that this chapter could use a little bit of work:
First off I felt like there was a lot of emotion in this chapter, and not all of seemed appriate. The way that everyone was acting seemed like the war had ended just yesterday. I don't think its appropriate for Next Gen kids to be sobbing about the war when in reality they never knew the people who died. Then the people who did know them seemed like the loved ones had died just yesterday. When loved ones die in real life, after a while you can think back and not sob endlessly over them. Sure you feel sad, but you don't fall down on your knees and scream why me? If that makes sense. Then I thought something was off when people were clapping because Rookwood died. That seemed kind of cruel for the wizarding comunity to be doing.
The grammar was good. I think I saw one or two words whose spelling was off but it was nothing a quick once over can't fix.
This story shows a lot of promise, the plot seems super interesting. So good work with that.
-BW24Author's Response: Awh, thanks for reading!
I'm glad you like the concept, I thought it was pretty interesting and I hadn't read a story with the same plot line. (:
I see what you're saying about the emotion, I hadn't thought about that when I wrote it. I'll definitly take this in to consideration and I'll probably go back and re-do some stuff. I get what you're saying.
I normally have a real big problem with grammar, so I'm glad it was good!
I'm glad you enjoyed, thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Hi here with your requested review :)
Alright so I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. The one thing I didn't expect from a Lucius/Narcissa was for you to introduce an OC and then set it up so it looks sort of like she might have a romantic relationship eventually with Lucius. Alright so I know that technically they didn't do anything that would sugest that, but you know I guess I've read enough fanfic tht I just assume that your going to make it a Lucius/OC to some extent (even if in the end he ends up with Narcissa) but I really love how you did that. It made things seem infinitely more original.
Your description was lovely as it was in the last chapter. You really have done a nice job of painting the picture in your readers mind. Description really transforms a chapter, and you've really utilized it to your advantage.
Now there were a few points that could use some work. The first is that you spent a long time giving this lovely description of Lucius when Sage was in class. Then you put her in the library and I felt like I was reading the same description for a second time. Now it was great and all, but I didn't need to read it twice in one chapter. Especially because you used a lot of the same wording. If you wanted to give some description to imply that she recognized him I would suggest using different aspects of his appearance than beforehand, or at least change up the wording.
Also I noticed one typo in the second to last paragraph. You said :
I admit, he I devilishly handsome.
I think you meant
I admit, he was devilishly handsome.
Other than that this was flawless.
Keep up the good work
-BW24Author's Response: Thank you so much for the points that you have brought up! I feel that they'll definitely help me with improving this story! Thanks again! Report Review
So wow this was rather emotional huh, but I thought you did a really amazing job portraying all of the stuff that was going through Lily's head as this progressed.
The characterization of Lily was great. From the part in the begginning where she was laying on the couch being lazy (that made me smile by the by) to the part where she started sobbing to the part where she sort of got really really mad and flipped out on Scorpius. You showed your reader a lot of different sides to her in a short amount of time, and made her seem really real.
Same thing with Scorpius, although you didn't have as much on him as you did on Lily. But I got the feeling that he was probably getting some pressure from home to break it off with Lily
Anyway I really don't have any complaints about this peice, except for maybe the formatting. It wasn't that bad, but the spaces in between paragrarphs did seem kind of large.
Other than that the spelling, grammar, flow, and pacing were all great. So good job and keep up the good work :)
-LizAuthor's Response: Hey Lizzie :D
Phew. I'm so glad you like it. In the beginning when people started to say that this is too fast I started to panic but now you guys like it :D So yay me :D
Ooo the lazy part. Story of our life isn't it? I thing I'm the laziest person in the world so that worked out well ;) Ah her character IS real. In that part at least. As I've mentioned in the summary, this is a VERY true story (This chapter) so every single emotion is true. I think that's what made this story realistic as you said, the actual reality of it. I was scared that I would ruin it with my writing but again, yay me :D
Ahh the formatting. I finally found out how to get that done. The spacing in my computer is horrible. I've redone it so now all the spacing should be fine. And yeah after my other story is validated, I'll repost this one with the correct format.
Ah the spellings and grammar is all thanks to my lovely beta Maybe. She's an angel.
Thank you so much for the lovely review Liz :D And so sorry for the late reply. HC held me up :)
*Hugs* Report Review
Alright so I love myself a good sorting story, and I thought this one was just as good as the next.
Your characterization was rather impressive. Sortings give us a good opertunity to really bring out certain traits in characters, and I thought you the ones that you brought out in Narcissa seemed right on point. The way she felt like she had to stay perfect with the stick straight posture and the expresionless mask was great.
The one thing I might work on would be the wording of things. You had a tendency to repeat words. For example in the last paragraph you said:
"Andromeda smiled at her youngest sister and Narcissa gave her a small but grateful smile"
You see how you repeated the word smile? Well when I read that sentence it feels awkward to me because of the use of the word smile twice.
Also the hats diction. Overall I thought it was good, and it seemed to be appropriate for the hat, but this one line bothered me:
"I can see you’re going to be one of those extraordinary Slytherins who will bring a change."
This sentence just doesn't seem like something the hat would say. Or rather its not how he would say it. I feel like something more like "Ah I see you will bring your house greatness, you shall." seems more fit. That's probably a terrible example, but point is the hat was made in the time of the founders, and so when he talks he should either talk like with dialouge a man in the Founder's era could uise, or just sound older, like the way Olivander or Dumbledore would talk to Narcissa. If that makes sence, hopefullly it does.
Anywho this was a great read. It was very interesting to see what was going on inside Narcissa's head when being sorted.
Keep up the great work!
-BW24Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and leaving such a detailed review!
I am glad to know that you found my characterization impressive and liked my Narcissa. Thanks.
Oh, I never realized that I was repeating words! Thanks so much for pointing that out. I will work on it =)
Naw that's not a terrible example, I see what you're trying to explain. I shall work on the Hat's words, thanks for pointing them out to me =)
I am happy you found this interesting, thanks! Report Review
So this story was different to say the least. I can't say that I've ever read a story in which Ron has animated a water tower before, but it was original which was good. The way you tied it into Ron's emotional drama made it seem more believable, and when you made it a dream it became realistic.
Your characterization of Ron was also good. He was angsty, and a bit immature, and you could tell he thought he could do no wrong. All very Ron like of him. And even though I am a strong shipper of Romione, and don't really ever see Harry/Heromione ever working out, you made it work for this one shot, so congrats.
Now there are some areas that could use some work. Most importantly would be your sentence structure. This entire piece felt like simple sentence after simple sentence after simple sentence. Try and vary it a bit more. Add some compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences in there, it would really transform your writing. Also I felt like you started a lot of sentences and paragraphs with Ron's name. Again a little bit of variationi would be nice. Whether you just changed a few Ron's to He's or re worked some sentencing to start differently, it would really help your writing.
But overall this was definitely a very original peice. Keep up the good work!!!
-BW24 Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection