This was a very interesting take on Draco and Astoria, but I loved it! :) You have such a gift for writing her, and developing a strong narrator in a one-shot under 700 words is a brilliant skill :) There weren't much mistakes, although I did see this:
You've become to thin. - it's with two O's, love, not just one, to make 'too'. Just thought you ought to know :)
I understood it perfectly well! I loved the plot it had - most one-shots don't have one since they are so short and all, but yours... wow. You explore canon, making things your own, what with Daphne's death and Astoria's grieving and your imagery! *squish* I loved the idea of the game with the questions and the honest answers - it's like the Truth in Truth or Dare except more real and more raw and more hesitant and more dangerous, which I adore - and the bit about the dams breaking! Oh, goodness me. Beautiful, all of it. It definitely flows well, so don't worry about it.
Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request on another story, and speaking of which, good luck on them! :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Thankyou so much hun! :D I have a goofy grin on my face right now.
I'll just fix that. I'm not going to be able to write much now that the holidays are almost over, this was a very-suddenly-written-at-4am oneshot, but I'm glad you liked it!
Thanks again, I'll be sure to re-request if I write something else :) Report Review
Ah... progress! James/Lily type progress is my most favourite type of progress, which you probably already know since they're my OTP and all. The chapter wasn't at all slow! It hooked me in from the beginning, from when Alice was trying to calm Lily down to Belle's story to Lily's flashback to Sirius and Belle's spying - which was hilarious, by the way. The way Belle revealed herself and Sirius to James and Lily talking made me laugh out loud. Very creative ;) Still not many mistakes that I spotted, but I did see these two:
Neither spoke while the walked - I assume you meant 'they' and not 'the'?
beat read - it's 'beet-red' or 'beet red', love. Just wanted to point it out because I do hate to see any mistakes in such a lovely piece of writing :D Speaking of which, loving your new banner! Fits the story more, in my opinion.
Is it weird that I feel bad for not getting the sentence you meant in your A/N? Because I do :p No clue why, I admit, but anyway, on to the rest of the review. Your Lily is different from others in the way that she is actually facing her feelings for James head-on, instead of being frustatingly in denial, so well done! I loved that :) It definitely shows that she is recovering from Mr and Mrs Evans' death - she would probably never truly get over it, but at least she can think about them without wailing and running out of the room :p You're really making Alice and Belle and everyone else - especially Peter, which I like - your own, so well done!
You didn't mention this in your areas of concern, but I loved the last bit, a glimpse into Remus' mind and looking out on his friends with happiness and not worry though I am anxious to find out who the dark green eyes belong to. I love how Remus is good at Flying, too. You don't see that everyday, let me tell you. All in all, this was a brilliant chapter, Jami, and I'll certainly be watching and waiting eagerly for the next :D
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hahah don't feel bad for not getting it, I'll tell you ;)
When James says:
"We have all the time in the world, right?" when he is talking to Lily about not having to know exactly what they want. It made me so sad because the day he says this (September 30th) him and Lily live another 4 years, 1 month, and 1 day. The fact that he thinks exactly the same thing every other teenager does: that they really do have all the time, and has no idea how short his life span is, seriously kills me. Haha. I almost started bawling. The Marauders+Lily Alice and Frank are by far the characters I get most heart broken about. Bawww. Okay I'm going to be done before I blubber.
Anyway, thank you for pointing out the mistakes!! I'm going to edit them right now! Honestly, I love when reviewers point out mistakes because it actually means they're reading the story and not just skimming through. And it gives me the chance to improve.
Making these characters in *my* characters is really important, so I'm happy you feel like I'm achieving that :)! Peter and myself don't talk about what he does in the future, otherwise I just want to write a chapter where he gets ran over by a heard of centaurs. So as long as I don't think about his future, he actually becomes pretty fun to write :P!
The next chapter is going to my beta tonight :)!!
Also, I saw your reviews that made your day post, so happy that it made YOU happy! I was on my iphone so it had to be short :/. But, I try really hard to repay the amazing reviewers that read my story, please feel free to send me a message any time you want an opinion. Otherwise, I'll continue popping over when I get the chance to read and review some of your stories :)!
Thanks again for this amazing review! ♥ Report Review
*sneaks in ... sneakily* Erm, hi Amanda *awkward wave* Woops? Just because of my own stupidity and late-ness, I'm going to give you an extra long review, m'kay? *deep breaths* Get ready!
The Lily-Regulus scene was awesome. It wasn't too dramatic with me expecting them to do an Unbreakable Vow or something, but it wasn't too casual either with me thinking is that it? It had just a bit of everything - some uncertainty since they don't really know each other all that well, kind of tense and ohmygosh... can I just say brava? Definitely makes sense, I, myself would ask Regulus to do something in return if I was Lily, which of course I already obviously knew would happen from the summary and it really lived up to expectations :)
James was brilliant, I loved the opening scene. I thought that it was a nice touch, being with the Marauders for once, instead of always staying with Lily and Regulus, so good twist! James' routine made me smile - sadly, at his thoughts of how the others would react if they knew what he was doing, but smile all the same.
Surprisingly enough, the differences between Severus/Regulus and Sirius/James weren't all that, well, different. Sure, Severus is a little more hesitant around Regulus than Sirius is with James, but the scene when Snape was crying in the common room bonded them a bit, if you know what I mean :) I also liked the evolution of the Marauders' Map! It's nice to think that the four are human, too, and didn't just make it in a matter of months and that they're still working on things like adding names.
All in all, another brilliant chapter, and I can't wait for the next ;) I'll definitely been keeping an eye on this, that's for sure, and sorry again for the super long wait!Author's Response: Hi Linn! No worries, seriously - I don't consider this late at all, and thank you for coming by :)
I'm so happy that the 'pivotal' scene in this chapter worked well for you. I was trying to make it realistic, so yeah, if it had seemed too over-the-top or too subtle, that wouldn't have been so good. I'm glad that you felt like characterization was on point there as well.
I'm happy you liked the twist! The more I toy with James, the more interesting he becomes to me. I don't think his friends would be really mean to him if they knew about his little habit - very different, naturally, from how Severus's friends would react - but they would definitely tease him a little, I think. I just wanted to show that the confident Gryffindor boy has a softer side, too, and his share of secrets.
Interesting! They should be a little different, but not too much, I guess. I want it to seem like Regulus and Severus are bonding, just not as quickly as James and Sirius bonded. That map would definitely take more than a semester or two to create, I think, and I'm glad you're enjoying watching it come to life.
Thanks so much for this wonderful review! I'll be by to request again when I get the next chapter posted! :)
-Amanda Report Review
Ohmygosh, Jami. Epic fail. Horrid timing. Gah. I'm going to quote McGonagall here - loved that scene with Dumbledore, by the way - "The summer wasn't kind to [me]." Still, I adored this chapter! It added just a touch more fear for Lily and the Marauders' lives, and just a bit more seriousness to their story in general. And Bellatrix at the start! I loved Voldemort's punishment - in the modern world, it's called 'three strikes, you're out' but much, much more serious.
Your imagery is amazing! I envy your talent with description. I'm bad at it, myself, but yours is so flawless and effortless and so darn natural - hmph! No fair on the lesser individuals like me :p You really make everyone your own, and McGonagall's reason for letting them throw the party made me laugh :D One thing I do want to ask you is why does Voldemort call Bellatrix by her first name and Regulus by his last? That was just one thing, though, because other than that, your spelling and grammar was absolutely flawless.
Anyway, all in all, brilliant chapter :D I can't wait for the next one, and see you there soon!
--LinnAuthor's Response: This is such an amazing review ♥ thank you so much!
Before I forgot to answer because you've turned me into mush - He calls her Bellatrix because there's two other Lestrange Death Eaters (her husband and his brother) and the Lestranges are currently his most trusted. Regulus is still proving himself. But mainly it's to save the confusion of wondering which Lestrange he's referring to :).
I'm sorry you didn't have a good summer :(. I'm always here to talk if you want to send me a message over the forums ♥
Imagery is something I constantly work at, constantly. I find myself completely ignoring and have to go back through the entire chapter to add it, it's horrible. So the fact that it seems so natural here makes me extra excited!!!
Thank you again so much for this amazing review, it has made my days!
Jami Report Review
In all honesty, I really, really liked this! :) I love the way you've written Lily - she's not like anyone else's, not your regular fireball, all sassy and snappy and such, she still might get into some trouble - as evidenced by the fact that she lied to her family about going to the World Cup - but she's more careful about it, and I did like Scorpius, too. You have a good plot set up already, I can tell, and I seriously can't wait to see where this is going - I loved everything. The TV and the explosion - why would there be an explosion, though? That bit I don't get - just, ah. This was a lovely read :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Aww thank you so much Linn. I'm really glad you like it. Yeah the explosion was supposed to be the owl hitting the window (Like Errol?) Yeah I have to redo that bit. I've used it metaphorically. Didn't think about it much but I'll correct it.
Thank you for pointing that out :) I hope you follow this :D
*Hugs* Report Review
So I only came here for Pass the Parcel for the HC at the forums, and I found a new favourite story instead :D Hurrah! I really, really enjoyed this one. I adore Louis in general, but yours and Tam are absolutely hilarious. They really caught my interest, and the last line *falls over giggling* Well, that will certainly make an interesting second chapter is all I can say!
I didn't spot many mistakes at all, though there was this one - shouldn't it be Professor Beamish instead of Mr? It just makes more sense and all, but other than that this story is a perfect one for the summer. Everything made me laugh, or at least smile - the explanation about Lysander and Dom, the horrid dye job, Tam's hate for haggis, everything! This was an absolutely lovely read and I can't wait for the next chapter :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
Pass the Parcel was so fun! Glad you found a new favorite, that's the best part of participating in review competitions, finding all the hidden gems. =)
Yes, he's the Charms professor, but I wanted to give some extra info on him. Thus he became Charms professor, Mr. Beamish. =) Plus I haven't yet decided his first name.
It's so cool to hear what things each reader finds fun. The next chapter is going to queue this weekend. Hint hint. ;) Report Review
Holy cow, Jami! Way to make a girl cry! I totally should have reviewed Before They Fall instead, but this just caught my interest and I don't regret reading it at all. This one-shot was so raw in its emotions, but so sweet and sad at the same time, and Fleur's memory! Wow. I loved everyone's speeches after the Battle of Hogwarts - I like to imagine that they really did that, and then leave their memories in the Pensieve - but why would they have a Pensieve in the first place, was what I'm curious about. I think in the books I only remember one, in Dumbledore's office, but still.
I don't recall any spelling or grammar mistakes, so well done! I loved your version of Bill and Fleur - I haven't read them before, sadly, but yours were really good! And Fleur talking to Bill while he was 'asleep' *laugh* All in all, a wonderful read, and I promise to get on the next chapter of Before They Fall soon-ish. See you around!
--LinnAuthor's Response: I am so, so happy you liked this! It needs some work as it's one of my older pieces, but I haven't gotten around to it.
Bill and Fleur are such a wonderful couple to explore, I hope to do so more often in the future. I'm really happy you decided to review this piece, I forgot that I like it until someone else tells me they do too ;)!!
Jami Report Review
Amanda... two days late, bah. Stupid summer. Always so busy but so boring all at the same time. Anyway, I did like this chapter a lot! :) Regulus and Severus (the last two letters in their names being the exact same makes it sound so weird -.-) were a bit more friendly in this chapter, but you made the transition quite naturally. I like how the Marauders' nicknames weren't exactly common knowledge, but Sirius' cover-up was really quick thinking, so hurrah for them keeping their secret for just a little bit longer.
I agree with Lily being a Prefect. She certainly seems like the type, and I like the fact that Remus actually went along and helped her for once. He had to be a Prefect for a reason, no? And anyway, he'd probably want to make the Professors proud and stuff and something else to do with internal guilt. I also liked the action scene! I have a bit of trouble with action scenes, myself, but you did do well with this one. I also enjoyed the whole scene in Potions.
Your pacing is really good, and I barely noticed the three dashes in the middle, even though I use them myself and should have probably that they were right there. Still no mistakes, too! You should become a beta, or something, I bet you'd do really well. Anyway, thanks again for requesting, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! 10/10 - again :p
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hey again, Linn :)
I'm happy that you thought the Regulus/Severus interaction felt natural, and that you can appreciate my attempts to avoid cliches by not having the Marauders announce all their secrets loudly and proudly! Haha. I definitely wanted to preserve their brotherhood and not let Lily in too easily. I feel like her knowing their secrets is the mark of her being trusted very, very much by them, and we haven't quite gotten to that place yet.
Yeah, I figured Remus would have to have a certain level of regard for the rules, being a Prefect and a bit of a peacemaker. It's great that you liked the action scenes, too - I don't think I'm very good at writing them, but maybe I've gotten a little better. The Potions scene was one of my favorites to write; I think it's part of why I love Snape, because he's an academic and a scientist like I am. Potions always fascinated me a lot in canon.
Haha, thanks! I'm glad the pacing worked well, and the scenes flowed together. I actually do quick-beta fairly regularly, and I am working on beta-ing a longer story right now. I just don't take on too much at once because my plate is usually pretty full. If you ever need beta work, don't hesitate to look me up.
Anyway, thanks for another awesome review! I'll be back over to re-request soon :)
-Amanda Report Review
Holy cow. I don't know what I was expecting when you had requested a review for this - sorry for being such a slow-poke, by the way - but this just exceeded far beyond my expectations, whatever they were. I was surprised, at first, to see that you were portraying Voldemort, because not often do people dare to dive into his mind, but you actually pulled him off really well - perfectly, in fact, so well done :) I didn't spot many - if any at all - mistakes, though I did see this:
In return you took years from theses supposed sins - I suppose 'these' isn't meant to be plural, because this sentence kind of confused me a little. Other than that, however, your grammar and spelling were picture-perfect.
This was a lovely read - I really enjoyed your imagery, because you have such a talent for it, and how Death had bright green eyes really just... wow. That is seriously all I can say. Absolutely zilch complaints from me. Voldemort was Voldemort through-and-through, and his fear for dying and his last thoughts before the Killing Curse rebounded - gah. Speechless, that is what you have made me.
Anyway, thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request on another story, and good luck with the rest of your stories! I really enjoyed reading this one :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hi so thanks so much for this review. It totally made my day. I'm glad that you thought I portrayed Voldemort well because personally I feel like there are two characters that you just can't mess up the characterization for -Voldemort and Harry because the story revolves around the two of them.
I'm going back right now to fix that typo.
Again I'm really happy you liked this. Thanks again for the review
-Liz Report Review
This was a really good start to the story, even if it was a little short :) You asked about general things - characterisation, grammar and spelling, reader interest and all that good stuff, and I think it's safe to say that you really have captured my interest. I can't wait to see what the next chapter holds, and where the Marauders come in, and all about Sera and what happened with her mother. Your grammar and spelling is actually really good for someone who claims English wasn't their first language, but I did spot two things:
a small frown appeared on her forehead - normally, this would make sense, but in context, if you take in the sentences before and after this one, I think it would be better if it was read as a small frown appearing on her forehead.
You don't have to worry a thing - it's 'about a thing', love, not just 'a thing' ;) Just thought that you ought to know.
Anyway, other than the above two little things, this was a really nice read. Your characters seem very real and interesting, and I seriously can't wait to see what the next chapter holds. Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! If it turns out as good - if not better - than this first chapter, than it's bound to be brilliant :D
--LinnAuthor's Response: Yeah, it's quite short, but it's only the prologue, showing what her home life is like. The next chapters will be longer (:
I'm glad that you found it interesting. First chapters are always the hardest!
Haha, thanks ^^ I'm actually Finnish, and I don't even speak English more than maybe once a month? (plus what I write here of course)
Thanks for pointing those two out! The second one I already knew, the 'about' just seemes to gone missing (x
Thank you so much for such a lovely review! I'll be sure to re-request once the next chapter is out (: Report Review
Ooh! Another fantastic chapter :D According to the scrolling bar on the side of the page, this was quite a long chapter, but somehow, it was a really quick read for me :p Time flies when you're having fun and whatnot, and the saying definitely applies to this. You have a very fresh style of writing - most get on with the dramatics, but you take time to get on with the normal-ness of everyday Hogwarts life before you throw us in to the sharks, and I really like reading that. It's definitely a nice change.
I did like the class scene. I was suspicious of McGonagall, too, like Lily, wondering why she was being so soft and hesitant and quiet all of the sudden, though the reason for it made sense in the end. One of the ways you can get people to take you seriously is if somehow, the situation hits a little closer to home than anyone would have liked. I like the Slug Club, too! And the idea of it being set in the Trophy Room was a very nice twist, so well done! I'm surprised Severus wasn't there, but I suppose I'm so used to it being written that I kind of expected it, though I don't have any complaints.
Some people get along instantly, or at least, better than with others, so I'm taking that as the case between Lily and Regulus. Kind of how I would act around a person I haven't really talked to properly, before, which I really liked because you make everything so real, and so effortlessly, too! To cut all of my ramblings short, this was another amazing chapter, and I can't wait to see what the next one holds. Feel free to re-request, but even if you didn't, I'd go read it for myself anyway :p
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hi Linn! Thanks for coming by once again, and I'm very glad that you're still enjoying the story!
This one was a bit on the longer side, but I'm pleased to hear that the flow still worked for you and you had fun reading it. That's a huge compliment that you've given me, and I really appreciate it! As you can see from my author page, I've only just begun to really work on longer stories, and so keeping things fresh is something of which I have been trying to remain conscious.
I'm glad that you liked the opening and the Slug Club scene. You're absolutely right about Severus, and I'm glad you noticed. I'll touch on that point in a chapter that is coming soon.
It's good that you felt like the interaction between Lily and Regulus was realistic. I didn't want to make it too intense (i.e., him yelling at her just for existing as a Muggleborn), and I obviously didn't want them to just ignore each other. You kind of captured it perfectly - they're just acquaintances that Slughorn introduced to one another, and they're still feeling each other out, maybe even a bit suspiciously.
Thanks so much for another lovely review! I'm sure I'll be by to re-request quite soon :)
-Amanda Report Review
AH, I'M SORRY I'M SORRY - I took forever in getting to this, I know :( Just to make it up to you, I'm going to give you a big, extra-long review so that it seems like the wait never happened, capice? Apologies, Jami. Anyway, when you said long, you certainly meant long! :) I loved this chapter! Since I'm a 'Claw, and all, I quite enjoyed the start and all of the stuff about the potions :p It made everything seem a bit more real, and it was fun to read. I did, however, spot some things when I was reading:
You didn't say we are going to talk to her now - since everything's in past tense and all, it had better be You didn't say we were going to talk to her now to keep it consistent.
but came from enough money to buy anything they could ever need - I'm assuming you meant Belle came from a rich French family? I kind of got that, but reading over this sentence made me a little confused. How about but also came from a rich French family who had enough money to buy anything they could ever need?
in a quite tone - it's 'quiet', love, not 'quite'. Just thought that you should know.
McGonagall was still McGonagall, intimidating as ever :p Anyway, the memory was adorable! Lily as a five-year-old was so sweet, and I really enjoyed the glimpse of a younger, kinder Petunia, as well as Adrianna - I love her name, by the way. You really make your characters shine, and I approve of Mr Evans working in Ireland ;) How Lily turned that into Illendran is beyond me, since I'm pretty sure 'Ireland' is easier to pronounce :p
Anyway, this was a brilliantly long chapter, full of everything and anything, and finally an explanation of Belle, too! I forgot to mention in the last chapter that it confused me a bit, since they were introduced around the first paragraph and that was all I remembered. Still, there was nothing big to complain about in this chapter, and the amount of transfers astounds me. Another lovely read, and thanks for requesting. Feel free to re-request - is the next chapter the last already? - and good luck with the rest of the story! Sorry for taking so long with this, again.
--LinnAuthor's Response: Ahh my fingers are so use to typing quite they always mess up quiet. Then my eyes somehow always miss that edit, thank you so much for pointing it out!
And thank you for this amazing review! The sixth chapter is already in the queue, don't worry, you aren't going to get rid of me anytime soon... mwahahah!
Anyway, thank you for your amazing reviews and I'm so happy the length didn't kill you!
Ahh every five year old I have worked with somehow manages to mess up the easiest words, but it' so cute to hear their little voices talk that it's okay ;)!
Thanks again ♥ Jami Report Review
Ahh. Albus is like a sweetheart in his own little way - kind of annoying, kind of mysterious, lovable and easily frustrated, and not to mention truthful, but a sweetheart nonetheless. Their date was awesome :) Everything was sweet, and the whole dating Priscilla before thing was a brilliant twist :D Nicholas and Priscilla together was a nice touch, too, along with everyone in Hogsmeade the time June would want them all to be back inside the castle :p Sugar quills! I don't know if I'd like them like Albus or hate them like June, but I'm pretty sure I'd like the Chocoballs. I'm glad June has her shot at getting a job at last, and I loved the sound of everyone's jobs, so I can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon, again? :p
--Linn Report Review
Ahh. This is an absolutely breathtaking story, did you know that? I love your Molly - she's so real and so confused and just... wow. I always enjoy reading Next-Gen stories because I love seeing - reading - the author's takes on all of the characters, and yours is no exception :) There were few mistakes, but I did spot these two:
but they feel like sand that keeps getting sucked away - you know how present tense usually uses verbs in plural and all? I suppose I just felt like the balance was knocked off because of this sentence, so maybe it should say but it feels like sand that keeps getting sucked away? However, other than that minor thing, I loved all of that paragraph :) Your imagery and descriptions are beautiful.
and I breathe exhale in relief - reading this over, it really should be one or the other, so either and I breathe out in relief or and I exhale in relief. I like the second option better, but that's just my two cents.
James was adorable :D I love everyone's James, and yours is no exception. He's a breath of fresh air for Molly - sure, a quick-talking, never-staying-on-one-subject breath of fresh air, but something new for her, all the same. I still like Molly, and her job - I approve ;) It's definitely written realistically, and the pacing is perfect for the story. All-around awesome, in short. Thanks for requesting, and good luck with the rest of this story and all of your others!
--LinnAuthor's Response: You're reviews always make me feel like i'm a pile of mush! :P I haven't read that many next gen's or written any myself (this is my first proper WIP) and it feel SO good to hear people say that my Molly seems so real! emotions and characterization are the most important things to be concerning story so it gives me happy butterflies when someone compliments me on one of them!
Thanks, i'll go in and change that! :D and it is i exhale! haha, boy, i don't know how that little mistake in their slipped in there like a ninja.
James! I'm glad you like him, there is SO many stories out there with him in it, and although i've only read a few, i don't want want him to be generic here or typical. I think he's something that she needs at the moment, someone to help her though her life.
Thanks for your lovely review!! I found it really helpful! :D Report Review
Urgh. I took forever in getting to this review, so sorry about that, Amanda! At least I'm here now, no? I love your Regulus - have I mentioned that yet. I want to give him a great big squish - he's not like anyone else's Regulus, all cold and aloof and whatnot, yours is more like a real teenage boy with the whole Black and Slytherin factor added in. I love your characters, because you make them what they are - kids. Even the other Slytherins, like Wilkes, stuffing everything into his mouth and not waiting for Dumbledore to finish his speech :p I liked Slughorn, too, and I hold a certain amount of distaste for Rosier and Avery and Mulciber, of course.
Oh, and Severus! I did like him too - very awkward and very Snape in general. I think some people have him as close to Regulus, or something like that? However, after reading yours and thinking about it properly a bit, this makes more sense, probably knowing each other by name but not really talking, and I loved the library scene :) You have a talent with descriptions which I absolutely adore (and envy). Oh, and I also loved all of your characters' names ;)
No mistakes as of yet, so well done, because you haven't mentioned having a beta at all! Another lovely read, I say, so thanks for requesting and letting me discover such a fantastic story! I patiently await your re-request, and I can't wait to see what the next chapter has in store for Lily and Regulus. You're alternating between the two of them, right?
--LinnAuthor's Response: Well, it certainly didn't feel like forever to me! I really appreciate you coming by again!
It's great that Regulus and his friends worked well for you. I was a little worried that I had made Wilkes too much like Ron, what with the appetite and comic relief, so I'm trying to pull him away from that as I move on through the story. I definitely wanted Regulus to feel very real, with his doubts and confusing feelings and desire to just be a free, happy young man. Just like with any other young man, I imagined that the best parts of his life at this time involved playing Quidditch, visiting Hogsmeade, and flirting with cute girls. I like him a lot, too, so I kind of wish that I could leave him like that, but sadly, canon calls :(
I sort of like the idea of Snape and Regulus being friends, but in my mind, that wouldn't have really developed seriously until they both were initiated into the Death Eaters, just because they have that measure of doubt in common. Right now, I tried to convey that they know of each other (since Hogwarts is only so big), but that they aren't best friends. In fact, you might say that Regulus is a bit curious about Severus, or at least that's how his behavior seemed to turn out for me. It's great that you liked the library scene and felt like it worked well with Snape's character.
Nope, no beta - just me. I promise it's not perfect, but the technical stuff does seem to be a strength of mine. Yes, I've been trying to alternate between them, though I'm not necessarily sticking to that strictly the whole way. The next chapter does come from Lily's point of view, though, so I hope you enjoy it.
Thanks again! I'll be by to re-request soon :)
Ooh :) Your chapters amaze me every single time, and I really adore seeing your requests and then getting to read and review them.
Dumbledore and McGonagall were excellent - the absolute picture of concerned, but still stern, professors, and the rest of the characters were lovely, too. I love seeing them interact, as it just feels so natural, like a real group of friends. There was a mistake that I spotted, though, that I just wanted to point out:
his agreement towards Lily’s words - I think that this would make more sense if you said his agreement with Lily's words. Just my two cents :)
You're right, the whole shared-common-room thing is a bit cliche, but you've said yourself that you wanted to make it a little different from the usual, so I can't wait to see what you end up doing with it in the end :) The fight scene! Bad Lily, for bringing it up in the first place - can't we get a little peace, for once? :p Anyway, I think you did it really well - I have a hard time with fight scenes, myself, so well done!
I loved this, as I've already said, so thanks a bunch for requesting and making me read it! I wouldn't have discovered such a lovely story :) Feel free to re-request for the next chapter, and see you there!
--LinnAuthor's Response: Aww I'm happy you like them because the next one is HUGE!
Thank you for pointing that out!! I will make sure to edit it as soon as the queue goes down a bit :)!
The fight scene kind of wrote itself, I just felt so bad for both parties. Lily goes much deeper into why she's so afraid in chapter 6 (which is in the queue, yay) but they have both just been through so much.
Thank you so much for all your amazing reviews! I will be by your page very soon to return the favor ♥
Jami Report Review
This was such a sad, but beautiful one-shot that made the tears well up in my eyes :) I love the idea for this, I loved the characters you used, I loved everything! I'm glad you used Hugo - he is so underused nowadays, but you pulled him off perfectly, and I felt so sorry for him. Acacia was lovely, too, even if it was only in memories. There was one mistake I spotted, though:
I recalled Acacia to smell like vanilla - this doesn't make much sense when you read it, so it should probably be something like I recalled Acacia smelling like vanilla.
Ohmygosh. They lost the baby. I'm still tearing up, even now. I feel so, so sorry for Hugo and Acia - losing something so precious as their first, newborn baby, and it is gutting to hear that Acia walks around with a baby doll in place of what should have been her baby girl. You really did make me cry. I also really loved your names - they were quite pretty, and just added to the whole thing. It was definitely believable, too.
You really made me wonder what Hugo would do now, what with his wife stuck in St Mungo's for what seems to be for a long, long time, and this was a lovely read, even if it was a bit sad. Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of your stories! I really liked this :)
--Linn Report Review
I feel kind of honoured to be the first review for this, strange as it sounds :p Anyway, finally here with your requested review! And, let me just say, the idea of this was splendid ;) I haven't ever seen Gilderoy (see what you do to me? Calling him by his first name!) written before, but even so, I think you pulled him off really well. I loved Regulus, too. Some people make him a lot like Sirius, but you made Regulus your own, so well done on achieving that!
You asked about reader interest and the plot and all that stuff, and I think it's safe to say that I really am interested in this story, and I'm not just saying that just because :p I think that this story will really be something - as well-liked as Seeing Double, even. I seriously can't wait to see what the next chapter holds in store! By the way, I can also see the whole multiple reality thing - at first, of course, I was confused, like Which is real? Hogwarts? St Mungo's? The beach? Argh! so yes, you definitely sent that message :p
At times I have trouble with descriptions, myself, and I really admire your talent with them :) You do them so well, and no worries, there wasn't at all too much - in fact, I actually think that there was just the right amount for a story like this, so brava! Thanks for requesting, Laura, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! I personally can't wait to see how it turns out, if it will be as good as this first chapter :D
--LinnAuthor's Response: Honoured? Nah, I'm honoured coz you're my first reviewer :P Haha (I will corrupt you! *cackles*) yeah, I've only ever seen Gilderoy written once before, but when I saw this challenge I knew that I wanted to do it and I knew that I wanted to do him. Everyone always thinks of the Longbottoms in St Mungo's, after all, and when you think about it what happened to Gilderoy is horrible - even a fraudster like him doesn't deserve something like that, really!
Gah, thank you! Thank you so much! I'm still kinda excited about this story because it's still new and it's so different and just so much fun to write! Gilderoy is turning out surprisingly deep, lol. Multiple realities! I'm so happy you think they're working - I really have no idea how to write them, lol! (just a little fyi - there wasn't intented to be any Hogwarts reality, lol)
Thank you so so much! You are far too nice! :)
Aph xx Report Review
Ahh... this has literally made me speechless. I'm so glad I'm typing this instead of saying it out loud, or else I would just be blubbering nonsensical words. Lily and James and the rest of the Marauders were just... brilliant. You wanted to know if they interacted well and if they were believable, and I can safely say they were :) The Marauders, of course, interacted like the grand ol' friends they were, so good-hearted and bright in their natural habitat, and I can easily see some of my own friends in their easy-going characteristics.
At times the flow was a little choppier than normal, mostly at the parts where we shifted from scene to scene, like at first I didn't understand if it was the next day or a few hours later until I re-read the first sentence, like I was missing something, but I don't blame you >.< Probably just me being stupid, so don't worry about it, but I just felt the need to point it out because you requested it specifically.
I could spot next-to-no mistakes, so well done! :) They definitely felt like Lily and James, kind of confused at where they stood now and trying to go back to the old ways, but kind of failing, because even after Lily yelled at him, James actually listened to what she was saying :p I found it interesting that it was only now that James actually took Lily seriously, that he didn't just see his pestering of her as the thrill of the chase anymore, because so many people put him down as asking her relentlessly, day after day after day, so you broke out of the mold effortlessly :) Bravo!
This was an absolutely lovely read, so thanks for requesting! Of course, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! I really can't wait to see what happens next :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Oh wow! This review had made me speechless!! Seriously. Thank you so so very much!!! This was a wonderful review and I felt so good about the story reading this! I will try and fix the flow, thanks for pointing that out. I'm so sorry its taken so long to respond to this!
And re-request! I'M THERE! :D
Thank you so much again!
~Cali. Report Review
Still as good as ever, I say ;)
I envy your talent for opening and ending lines :p No fair. You always hook the reader right in, making them wonder (the opening line) and then making them want to see what the next chapter holds in store (the ending line) I adored how you portrayed Lily - so many people make her sassy and spunky and hotheaded and constantly yelling, but yours is quieter, more normal and occasionally a little awkward - like a real teenage girl.
Hurray for the first sighting of the Marauders! I approve of Remus being the one that Lily sees first :p I like him the best - and you didn't even leave out Peter. Have I mentioned you're amazing? No? Well, I am, now. You gave all of the Marauders equal attention, no worries about that - Sirius, of course, got the least, seeing as he had the good fortune to star in the last chapter, so no complaints. James was adorable, and I loved him. I'm glad their first meeting after the Mudblood incident had no yelling or anything - a refreshing change. You're breaking all of the stereotypes here, breaking out of the mold, and you're doing it so well, too, so well done! :)
I'm glad Lily didn't yell at Severus, either, and I even felt kind of sorry for him, though I still felt sorry for Lily, having to go through that - but you didn't favour either of them, and you know what? I'm just going to leave it at that. This chapter was brilliant, no mistakes as far as I can see (and I'm usually picky about this, spotting commas that should be there, but no complaints from me about the punctuation!) and... ah. All-around amazing. Thanks for requesting - again! - feel free to re-request - I'll mentally hold a place for you, because I wait for these as anxiously as I hope you do - and bravo :)
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hey again! Thanks for returning for chapter two!
Oh, that's such a relief - some people so far have liked her, but others have commented that she seems too whimsical or dainty and I didn't really want to pull her away from the fiery extreme only to throw her to the other end of the behavioral spectrum! Haha. I really love Lily, and that portrayal of her that you mentioned really drives me nuts. I can't help but critique it whenever I see it in a story. I definitely think of her as being very normal, so it's lovely that that came across for you.
I didn't want to leave out Peter - I've tried to bring him every up now and again, even if he doesn't play a major role, just so that we all remember that he's there. I really love the Remus/Lily friendship alluded to in canon, and I usually can't help but play it up here. I always imagined that Remus was the Marauder Lily probably became the closest to first, since he seems to be "safe" for her.
I'm happy that you liked James, too - I find him hard to write sometimes, since I'm so very Snily oriented, but I've enjoyed working with him for this story. He and Lily will obviously have conflicts, but I really wanted to get away from that hot-headed stereotype. I wanted to make it clear that something about him is different, that he's trying to work on himself, but that it's still imperfect and is causing him to feel a little unsure, especially around Lily. A lot of the plot so far in this story has been about James growing up, and Lily trying to find ways to deal with that.
If you felt sorry for both Severus and Lily, that's great, because that's exactly what I wanted. Their relationship will also be a source of conflict for Lily as the story develops. Since I'm usually so biased toward Severus, I'm trying to deliberately play up his negative qualities here, just to make the story balanced and challenge myself with him. I'm happy that all of that seemed to work well.
Thanks so much for another very kind review. I pretty much watch your thread like a hawk these days, so I'll definitely be back to re-request shortly :)
-Amanda Report Review
Hey, love, here with your requested review! Sorry for taking so long, but I'm here now! Anyway, you remember how I said in my thread that if a story makes me cry, then it's good? This made me cry. This made the tears well up in my eyes for Rose, so broken, for Scorpius, so confused and just... ah. You have an absolute talent with imagery - it came so naturally in this and I could practically see everything that was happening around the two of them.
The way you wrote the emotions was gutting. I felt my heart go out to Rose - and while at first, the story confused me a little, I read it over again and then I got it. It was like a parallel reality, I thought, where Rose's thoughts were real or not real, but I'm pretty sure Scorpius' words were real - they were a stark contrast to her dark, inner thoughts, and this was absolutely beautiful, and oh-so-raw... I can't even begin to describe it.
My own tears are gone now, but the present tense was just haunting in all its rawness (have I mentioned this before?) and I am completely in love with this. Definitely going into my favourites, 10/10 all the way. I could see next-to-no mistakes, so brava :) Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and well done in general.
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hello Linn! Don't worry about the delay or anything like that - I have the patience of a saint! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!
Well, in that case, I'm glad this made you cry! Thank you so much - I'm a huge fan of unique, gripping imagery and really try to bring it across in my writing.
I'm really glad you liked the emotions. I believe that, as humans, we are so intense and complex - our thoughts, dreams, subconscious, and conscious all intermingle to create this emotional vortex - does that make sense? I like that you called this a parallel reality - I think it's a very good way to describe this piece. I'm really glad you liked the contrast between Rose's thoughts and Scorpius's dialogue - it's a testament to the fact that life goes on, while our past and emotions and traumas control our present.
I'm just over the moon over your review! The rawness of the piece, as you so wonderfully put it, is actually something I pride myself on - I feel that it's rawness puts it that much closer to the reader, you know? Your favorites? Oh, you've got me all happy and fuzzy and junk! :D
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it! :) Report Review
I have heard many, many things about this story - many great things, no worries, and I'm pleased to say that it has far exceeded my expectations, even on the first chapter :) I haven't ever seen Regulus written before, but I'm certain that I can say that you have completely made him your own :) While Sirius acts like he hates Regulus in the books, here I can see that he has just that slight fondness left - James may have been Sirius' best friend, but you can never replace a blood brother ;)
You wanted to know if too much hatred for one brother and too much favouritism for the other, but from what I can see, so far Walburga and Orion treat Sirius and Regulus almost exactly the same, like a proper family but with the Black seal firmly stamped on it - while they treat Regulus with love and smiles and show him things like the newspaper, they don't hurt Sirius in any way. They give him the cold glances and ignore him, but unlike many authors, you portrayed them as a family, and I applaud you for that :) Not many people would have been able to pull it off, but you did.
This was a hooking first chapter - your description is brilliant and I felt like I was really there, and I can't wait to see where Severus and Lily and the rest of the Marauders come in and what happens next :) Thanks for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! I really enjoyed reading this, so 10/10
--LinnAuthor's Response: Hi Linn! Thanks so much for stopping over! Given that you've heard about this story - and thank goodness the things you've heard were good! - I'm glad that you enjoyed starting it!
It's great that you liked my portrayals of the two Black brothers. I wanted to make them very different, and yet still pull them together as being family. I wanted to show that Sirius's hatred toward his brother would have grown over time, since I'm assuming that they probably got along okay as young children. I always imagined that Sirius's being sorted into Gryffindor would have been the spark that ignited the deterioration of his relationship with Regulus, though I'm sure things began to fall apart with his parents even before that.
It also seems like the portrayal of the family unit as a whole worked okay, which is good. You're right; I wanted the differences to be subtle here, because the Blacks are still supposed to be "proper." Orion and Walburga's slights toward Sirius aren't overt, but they still (hopefully) convey the message that Regulus is the only son they're proud of. As you can imagine, it puts Regulus in a bit of an awkward position, even this early on.
It's awesome that you felt like the beginning hooked you and you liked all the imagery. The other characters will be making appearances beginning in the next chapter, and considering how helpful and comprehensive this review was, you can be sure I'll be re-requesting! Thanks so much for this very lovely review :)
-Amanda Report Review
I don't think I've reviewed this story before, yet, and I sincerely apologise for it :p I love your characters, every single one of them - from Lolly and her complete craziness (she makes me laugh), Imogen and her attempt to stay sane (only in vain, unfortunately), Albus and his... weirdness to Scipio and that brilliant plot twist you've got in this chapter :D Scip, in love with Lolly, of all people? I'm not jealous like Albus thinks Imogen is (hmm, oh, I wonder why? *evil laugh*) but I wonder how and why. I would have liked some more explanation of Scip and Lolly and all and ooh, I'm all rambly, aren't I? I love your character's names, by the way - very creative - and all the plot twists! A brilliant story under your belt, I say :)Author's Response: I totally agree with you about Lolly's craziness and Imogen's futile attempt at staying sane. There will be some explanation of Scip and Lolly later in the story, I think, so watch out for it! Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Still brilliant ;)
You pulled off the first three parts of the chapter perfectly. My heart wrenched for poor Lily, still struggling to keep her head above the water that is the darkness that claimed her parents. I did wish that Petunia would at least talk to her about the Evans' death, but, you know, it's Petunia. What can you do? All hopes of her and Lily reconciling - even for five seconds - are in vain, and even if you had done so, it would have seemed fake and unreal, so brava!
I disliked Violet very much >.< It doesn't seem to me whether she and Lily are friends or enemies or just talk to each other because they are roommates, and that is one of my few complaints. It confused me a little, but I was too busy aww-ing over Lily and James! You asked me what I thought of it, and it was really sweet. I half-expected the other Marauders to barge in and comfort her, too, but I'll let them have their moment :p Poor Lily, the year's not over yet, it's only just begun!
I did wish the chapter was a little bit longer, but I'm not complaining. All in all, another fantastic chapter you've got under your belt, and I can't wait for the next one :) Thanks for requesting - again - feel free to re-request, and I can't wait to see what the next chapter holds, so brava!
--LinnAuthor's Response: I think I just have Violet as someone who knows Lily. She comes in again in chapter 6. in a bad way! haha!
The Marauders enter in very soon :)!!! Yay!
I actually sort of decided to tell the story of the Evans sister split through memories, you'll see what I mean in chapter 4 :).
Anyway, thank you again for such an amazing review. It makes me happier than anything to know when someone is enjoying my story ♥.
I can't wait to re-request! Thanks again Linn!
Jami Report Review
My Godric :o This was... beautiful. There really is no other word for it. At first, I didn't know what you meant, and then Molly went on about how Lucy 'isn't sleeping' and then I got it. And... wow. Present tense works brilliantly for this - I can see her emotions, feel her emotions, and while it would still be a lovely read in past tense, present tense makes it raw, somehow, magnifies her emotions and her thoughts as if it's floating right off the page. Present tense is so hard to write, but you pulled it off perfectly.
I can see next-to-no mistakes, so well done :) Molly was just so heart-wrenching in her grief, and everything she thought was just - gah, I really can't even begin to describe it. Your imagery is beautiful - I can practically see everything right in front of my eyes, the coffin, Lucy's ghost and dead body, even Molly herself and her parents and the other mourners and just... I don't understand why this doesn't have many reviews, because it was an absolutely brilliant read. No complaints at all :)
Anyway, all that aside, thanks a bunch for requesting, feel free to re-request, and good luck with the rest of the story! I can't wait to see how it turns out in the end :) A marvellous story, I'm sure. 10/10
--LinnAuthor's Response: Eeeps! Thank you :S I'm a bit overwhelmed by all your lovely comments i don't know what to say!
I did want it to be ambiguous at the beginning because i wanted it to reflect Molly's mental state and how she wasn't sure what this whole thing was and wanted to believe that it wasn't real. So it does please me that it came across and that eventually you did get it.
I like the present tense too and i'm glad that it makes you feel with the character. The thanks goes to my beta (PenguinsWillReignSupreme) as she suggested that i switch it to present and i'm glad that i did because I think it's made it a better story than what it was.
Gah! I just don't know how to respond to this lovely review i'm all happy and squeeing over it. Grief can be a hard thing to write and i'm just pleased and flattered you felt it so much and saw so much in this chapter. I've been to funerals myself so the only thing i could do was try to draw from those experiences to get the emotions to come out right.
Thanks again for all your comments! I really appreciate them! ;D Report Review
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