Firstly, I've got to say what an awesome idea I think this is! I'm all for anything that shows different sides to characters, and this certainly did that!
I thought you got into Greyback's head perfectly, and actually managed to make his actions seem logical, if not sympathetic. It seemed very realistic that his violence would be motivated by his own loneliness and loss. I loved the way you had him compare himself with Lupin, as their experiences of lycanthropy are certainly very different! And you raised the very interesting question of whether werewolves are better off being outcasts in normal, magical society like Lupin, or embracing their wolfishness, like Fenrir...
And your Dementors were absolutely chilling! They really gave me the creeps. I sort of like to think that the Ministry would have stopped using Dementors after Voldemort's defeat, but it did work very well with your story... I loved the horrible irony that he only admitted that he had a heart moments before it was taken from him...
A brilliant insight into a usually maligned character! I really enjoyed this :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like the exposure of the other sides of the characters - I definitely do too, hence this little mini-collection! :)
The contrast between Fenrir and Remus was definitely fun to play upon, because it shows just how much outside interactions can shape a person's character.
Yes, that irony was fun. Irony is seriously one of my favourite literary elements, so I love incorporating it whenever I can!
Thanks for the review!
-ShadowRose (Taylor) Report Review
Aw! This story makes me smile so much!
I love the way you write Molly and Campbell's conversations- there's something easy and comfortable about them, even when they're teasing each other. It was interesting to find out a bit more about Cyrus' past with the band and everything, and I think I like him even more for the fact that he not only wasn't taken in by the celebrity lifestyle, but that he chose to do something worthwhile (if a little crazy!) afterwards.
There were some hilarious moments in this chapter- the "patients from St Mungos with irremovable Rictusempra" made me laugh, as does pretty every one of Molly's references to her family. You certainly manage to show why she finds them difficult, but I liked that showed them as not all insufferable, with the bit about Dominique covering for her.
And Molly and Campbell's little romantic moments are so cute! You write them really well :) The way he told her that he loved her was perfect, I thought- all spontaneous, and unprompted and heartfelt. I can't wait to read on!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi Bethany!
This is the 50th review on this story! Thank you so much! *Happy dance*
I'm really glad you're enjoying this. I wanted to write a romantic story without it being too sappy and over-the-top, and I hope I managed it. I've never tried writing humour before either, so it's great to know that it seems to have worked!
Cyrus doesn't really care for the celebrity lifestyle, even though it gave him access to a lot of things. I think that's one of the reasons they fit so well. I'm pleased you like the way I write their romantic moments! I was so worried about writing the "I love you" scene and I wanted it to come across as in-character and natural.
Thank you for another fantastic review, and I hope you carry on reading!
Sian :) Report Review
She said yes to him! (Well sort of!)
I love Molly's insistence about it not being date- it seemed very in character and really made me laugh! I like Cyrus as well; he seems like such a nice guy, and I was pleased that he didn't pay any attention to that waitress :P
I liked how you highlighted the fact that Molly and Campbell both have the same problem with being recognised all the time- it was a nice thing that draws them together, and you handled it pretty subtly. Molly's awkwardness and bluntless are not only endearing, but also pretty relatable. I imagine that Campbell doesn't encounter many girls who feel sorry for him!
I'm quite curious about Molly's friend Felicity, and hoping that we'll get to meet her soon? It's clever, the way you've mentioned her without us actually encountering her yet, so we feel her presence in Molly's life without having seen her properly yet...
And another great ending- one that really makes me want to read on! I can't wait to find out where Campbell and Molly are headed...!
Another great chapter! Well done!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi again!
There was no way Molly was going to admit to herself that she was on a date, because then she might have to face the consequences! Even though I wrote this, I took great pleasure in the fact Campbell ignored the waitress, just like Molly did. :P
I'm so happy you saw the similarities between them, even though they're such different people - I wanted to show they might have more in common than they first thought. The filter between Molly's brain and mouth doesn't always work, which explains the comment about feeling sorry for him. But it makes a nice change for Campbell to meet someone who is honest with him.
You're the first person to pick up on Felicity being mentioned in this chapter! Despite how awkward Molly is, she has to have some friends, right? As for whether you get to meet her, you'll just have to read on and find out...
Thanks for another brilliant review, and I hope you get the chance to continue reading and letting me know what you think - I've really enjoyed reading your thoughts!
Sian :) Report Review
This was such a great first chapter. I already love Molly! She has such a distinct voice and I'm immensely enjoying her no-nonsense-ness (is that a word?), and her dry, understated kind of humour. She seems very much Percy's daughter, but not at all in a bad way!
I think it's really original to have a Weasley who's not super close to every single cousin, although having said that, I did like the way her relationship with Charlie was portrayed.
Haha Molly's collegues made me laugh! Your description of how everyone in the office was trying to act so cool when Campbell came in was hilarious, as was Molly's sort of disdain for it all! You've certainly shown what a strong character she is here- when she turned down his proposal, despite him being a sexy a rock star, I was like "you tell him, girl!" at the screen! :P
That said, he does seem like a genuinely nice guy from what we've seen of him- Dragon handling seems like an interesting job for an ex-rockstar- I'm hoping we'll get to find out what prompted the change? He seems like he could be someone good for Molly, maybe being a bit more outgoing and spontaneous...?
And I do love a bit of a cliffhanger! I suppose I'll just have to go read on to find out what she'll say!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi Bethany!
I'm so pleased you love Molly - I do too! She was such a fun character to write. There are definitely elements of Percy in her, but she's not completely the same.
I've always thought that in such a big family someone must have felt left out, and I see that as Molly in this story.
The way people react to celebrities is hilarious sometimes, and I wanted to use that here. Molly's not at all that sort of person, and when she has a job to do she's completely focused no that, so Campbell didn't have much chance persuading her to give him his own way.
Campbell is a genuinely nice guy, even if he comes across as quite arrogant at times. He's certainly very different to Molly, and he could very well be good for her!
Thanks for a fantastic review!
Sian :) Report Review
I love the blend of humour and tension in this chapter. The way that your characters can be discussing Quidditch one minute, and joining up as Death Eaters the next is brilliant, and feels totally natural. I'm enjoying all the different dynamics you're setting up amongst the different groups of Slytherins, and I'm sure they'll come to be very interesting later in the story! So far, you've done a wonderful job of making typically unsympathetic characters into real, 3D people- partly good, partly not-so-good, just like anyone else. The part with the House Elf was a good example of this.
I like the way you write Tor and her friends- it feels very comfortable. The way they treat Voldemort issues with a kind of fear and curiosity mixed with bravado feels perfect, and very realistic... and ohmygosh Voldemort on a broomstick! What an image!
By the way it's nice to read a female character with guy friends who aren't all in love/ in awe of her! And their conversations do make me laugh!
Tor's mother sounds wonderful! Her letter made me laugh out loud- especially the bit at the end about choosing an acceptable partner! I imagine Tor has quite a force to contend with at home with a Death Eater father and such a forceful mother and father!
Ooh and she gets on with Slughorn...? I can actually see Astoria as being good at potion-making somehow! I look forward to seeing how that will pan out...!
There were a few little typos I noticed in this- I think there was a missing apostrophe somewhere and the odd spelling slip-up... maybe have another read through and iron those out?
Overall I thought this was a great chapter. I simply adore how you manage to bring across the contrasts in this story- between comedy and anxiety, between anticipation and fear... Great job!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi there! :)
I'm glad you liked the story, and that the characters are coming across as realistic. I definitely tried to blend being serious and silly, and to show that despite their strict beliefs they really are just impressionable teenagers. It's wonderful to know that the characters seem dynamic, and neither good or evil but somewhere in between, just like everyone is! :)
I thought Voldy playing Quidditch was just too silly as well. He's so independent, he would probably play every position at once, or just use dark magic on the other team. :P
It's great that you enjoyed Tor's mother as well! You're right, their house would certainly be full of many big personalities! I think since Tor's dad isn't known to be a DE, and because she's good at talking people up, that Slughorn would take a liking to her!
Thank you so much for this really lovely review, it was a real pleasure to read! I really appreciate all your thoughts on the story! :D Report Review
Here from review tag!
This is such an original idea for a story! I love the idea of Rose as a journalist, and her investigation certainly sounds intriguing...
I'm enjoying your characterisation of Rose already. It feels very realistic to me, that some of the Weasleys would feel overshadowed by their family, and as if they had a lot to live up to, and you brought across Rose's feelings really well here. I also like her dedication to her work (there was something pleasantly Hermione-ish about it!), and it seemed to fit with what we know so far of her personality. I also really liked that she hated her red hair- again, it seems to fit her character, and it makes a change from every Weasley/Potter having perfect long red tresses!
"Gnome fancy dress competitions!"- that bit really made me giggle!
Another thing I loved were your descriptions of good ol' British wet weather! The metaphor with the "pellets of rain" and "artillery fire" was particularly perfect.
The only bit of CC I would bring up, is that her friends appeared a bit quickly and numerously- it made it hard to keep track of them, and it might have been good if you'd told us a little bit about them when they were introduced so that they were more than just names?
And that little teaser about Scorpius at the end! It definitely makes me want to read on! I think that this could be turn into a great story, and I really enjoyed reading the beginning of it! :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: I'm glad that you loved it. I thought it might be a bit too original as I hadn't had that much response on it, but yay that it isn't!
I'm glad that you liked Rose's characterisation, as I was worried that I may have made her have too much of an inferiority complex. I thought it would be fun to make her someone who didn't completely fit in with the Weasley theme, as it's done so much and I get bored of it!
Haha I loved including that bit too! Yup I have far too much experience than I would like to have with it, so I'm glad that you liked it and the metaphor :')
Yeah I thought I had rushed it a little as well, but they do pop up again so I'll go back and add in some more info so they're not just blurs.
Haha, I'm glad that you liked the teaser it was fun to include :D Thank you for this great review and I hope it lives up to your expectations!
-Kiana Report Review
A very intriguing beginning! It's so fascinating to read the Hogwarts era from the point of view of the "bad guys," so to speak, and you do a great job of making them into likable, even relatable characters. You really manage to capture a sense of community among the Pureblood characters, which I liked, as I imagine them to be quite a close-knit group.
There was this brilliant contrast between their everyday, teenage concerns- about Quidditch and missing their friends- and the concerns about the Dark Lord. It was pretty chilling to here all the Pureblood-superiority stuff coming from the mouths of fourteen-year-olds, but I guess they don't know any better...
One thing that confused me a little bit was why she's Tor Yaxley and not Tor Greengrass? Maybe you could explain that at some point? Tor is a great nickname for Astoria though, by the way!
Ooh and the bit at the end with Malfoy was spooky! I'm hoping that he's going to be part of this story, even though Tor doesn't seem to have a very high opinion of him! That last paragraph or so was beautifully written- you brought across the tension and uncomfortable-ness of the situation absolutely perfectly!
Another great chapter! Well done!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi! Nice to see you back!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far! It's really fun to write Hogwarts era, and both easier and challenging since JKR has already laid out the plot foundations and I've been trying to fit Tor's experiences around those events. It's great to hear you like the characterization so far, and that they're coming across as relatable and human.
I think it's chilling too! And they sort of think of the DE stuff with a certain amount of detachment, and yes have a contrast between their ordinary teen lives and pureblood ideals.
Yeah, I gave her Yaxley as a father, but she goes by her mother's last name. It's explained a bit better in the upcoming chapters, but I was worried that it was a little confusing and that I should clear it up here. So thanks for pointing that out!
Malfoy does have a big role in the story, though he's not really one of the main characters. I'm glad you liked his appearance, and he does grow on her! :)
Thank you so much for this lovely review!!! :) Report Review
Hey there! I'm here with your fourth review from the swap! And may I say how much I've enjoyed reading your story :)
I've got to admit that I had to read this through a second time, because the first time I kept sort of skimming ahead to find out what the awful news was going to be! -you kept up the tension really well, and I was actually dying to find out.
I was also very relieved that her and Teddy ended up okay! They seem like such a perfect couple, the way they deal with each other's faults, and the way the don't have to say anything for the other one to understand... it's so sweet. And I'll bet it's good for Dominique to know that whatever happens, Teddy'll be there :) Also, the "two-way conversation in which you listen to them with your full attention and respond as appropriate" bit made me laugh a lot!
I'm glad that she's connecting a bit more with Victoire and Fleur too. She's lucky to have such a supportive family. Are Bill and Louis' attitudes going to be a part of this?
Another thing you did really well was the medical jargon. Your Healer actually sounded pretty professional, and it was good that you explained properly why she's unable to have children, instead of just going "because she can't!" so well done for that.
I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOUR CLIFFHANGERS. :P I'm already desperate to know what decision she's gonna have to make. I have a horrible feeling that she might already be pregnant and not know yet, but I don't know... Either way, I can't wait to find out!
This was another very tense, very well-written chapter! I've really enjoyed swapping with you, and I'll be watching out for updates on this! :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing again! I am glad you enjoyed my story!
Haha, naughty you xP I am pleased the tensed atmosphere worked though.
Yes, Teddy is amazing ain't he? It's good to know you're liking my OTP!
Um Louis is not exactly a part of my story *hides* I kind of forgot him... sorry! We'll definitely see some Bill-Dominique time =)
Ah it's a relief to hear that you liked the medical jargon. I worked really hard in making it sound believable, thanks.
Haha I love cliffhangers. The next chapter is in the works, but with exams and all, I am finding it hard to make time for writing. However, I'll definitely update before the end of May and I am pleased that you look forward to updates.
Thanks! Report Review
Hello again! Third review time!
Ahh I love Teddy so much! The flashback was the cutest thing- Dominique's life does seem to have been pretty idyllic before the events of this story! I'm also glad that you explained the Victoire/Teddy situation as I had wondered what their attitude to each other was. As it is, it seems to have worked about pretty well for all of them :)
You seem to have Dominique's emotional state down to a T. That feeling crying until you don't think you cry anymore, that kind of simmering hysteria, the blankness of her future- it all seems completely appropriate and you convey it very effectively. Aside from
Delilah Jones (another awesome name!) piques my curiosity- she seems very capricious, and it was almost spooky, the way she changed from all concerned and motherly, to busisnesslike and demanding in a matter of moments. I really liked her at first, when she told Dominique she could have her job back, and seemed really to sympathise, but I'm not so sure about her now! Either way I certainly hope to see more of her!
And what a cliffhanger to leave us on! So far you've been fantastic at keeping up the tension, so I'm now dying to find out what Teddy's got to say to her!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Sorry for late responses.
I am pleased you liked Teddy and enjoyed the flashback. Yeah I didn't want any complications between them!
Aw I am glad that you think I have done well on Dom's emotional state, thanks.
I just came up with Delilah's name on a whim but thanks! She is weird yes, and there's definitely more of her =)
I am glad you like the whole tension and such, thanks. Report Review
Hey there- here with your second review!
I feel so bad for Dom! It was especially sad to have her not remember what happened at first- it seemed to make the reality all the more crushing. The description of the hospital as "clean and sterile but not quite familiar" was perfect. A minor nitpick is that I think "Healer" is meant to be capitalised?
I thought that her family's reactions were all very realistic. Fleur and Victoire seem quite similar at the moment in the way they found it hard to deal with, and Bill seems very in character, trying to comfort everyone. And ohmygod Teddy is just the sweetest! It was so lovely how he was trying to comfort her, and I get exactly why she pushed him away, but I still feel sorry for him!
And moving onto Dominique, I thought you captured her emotions brilliantly- the grief, then the anger, then the awful flatness. The bit where she screamed at Victoire was especially poignant.
A very emotionally fraught chapter, but another good one! I hope that Dominique can learn to deal with her new identity somehow :/
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I apologise for how slow I am in responding to your lovely reviews.
I am pleased that Dom's emotions came through easily in the narrative, and that you liked the description of the hospital. Yes uh that's a typo maybe, I'll look into it.
I am glad you liked her family's reaction, and that they seemed in character. Teddy is awesome isn't he? I love him =P
Its great to hear that you think I did justice to Dom's emotions as well, thanks.
Thank you for all your kind words! Report Review
Hello there! Here with your first review for the review swap :)
This was a fantastic beginning! I loved the tension and mystery of it, and the way you threw the reader into the action right away! I really wanted to read on and find out why Dominique was so afraid... You also do a great job of describing the spooky forest, and the storm- I could just see it in my mind!
This is a really original idea for a story- I don't think I've ever read anything like this before. I liked how you pointed out Dominique's connections to werewolves, with Bill's scarring and Teddy's dad- I'd never thought of that before. I also thought that you did a great job of explaining Dominique's attitude to werewolves. I'm hoping that we'll get to meet some of them in later chapters?
I was genuinely on the edge of my seat when the werewolves were approaching the cottage. You captured her fear perfectly in that last paragraph- the bit when she screamed was just chilling!
One thing I wasn't quite sure about was why there was an anti-apparation zone around the cottage? Maybe explain that a little more?
Anyway, a really gripping start- great job! I can't wait to read on!
By the way, Cannock Chase Forest is a great name! :)Author's Response: Hey! Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing.
I am glad you found this a good beginning and enjoyed all the tension and mystery, and the action. I am pleased you liked my descriptions too, thanks.
Wow, original really? thank you, it means a lot to me. I always wondered how Bill's kids would react to their father's scars so this was just an extension of that wondering xP And of course, Remus' stories too. We'll meet a werewolf or two, in about chapter five or six ;)
Its great to hear that you think I captured the whole fear perfectly, and that you liked the end. Hmm many reviewers have pointed that out, so I think I'll explain it when I edit, or you may find an explanation in future chapters - around chapter five or six!
Thanks a lot for all your lovely comments, and yes Cannock Chase Forest is awesome eh xD Report Review
Oooh this was really chilling!
I love how you plunged the reader straight into the story. A trap I often fall into is over-explaining everything, so it was great to read a story where you just get to work everything out for yourself, and I could just picture the scene, even without you having to explain every little detail.
The tension was also portrayed beautifully in this, and I'm dying to find out more about Astoria and the boy, and the other Death Eaters...! Using the present tense for this is a great touch, because it feels so immediate and so really- I can definitely sympathise with your main character.
Another thing I loved was the contrast between the violence and the close-knit, almost familial sense of the Death Eaters and Astoria. Like how Nott uses a nickname for her, but is ready to kill this boy who is about the same age as her... it's all very sinister!
Something I would recommend sorting out is your spacing- there are quite big gaps between your paragraphs which makes it feel a bit disjointed and kind of interrupts the flow- just something to think about.
And the ending was great! You raise so many intriguing questions, which I'm desperate to discover answers to! I can see this turning into a brilliantly dramatic story! :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked the action of this chapter, your feedback is really great to hear! It's great that you felt the tension and are curious to read more! I've found that writing in first person seems to always come out in present tense for some reason, so I'm glad to hear that it works for the story and adds to the immediacy of the chapter! :)
I'm so glad you liked the contrast between the dark DEs and their connections with each other, it's a huge theme throughout my whole story so great to hear it came across well in this introduction!
Ahh, the spacing on this chapter just refuses to cooperate! :( I shall be trying again to fix it soon, though.
Thank you so much for this lovely review!!! :) Report Review
Here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle!
This is one of the cutest fics I've read in a while, and bearing in mind, I'm not very hot on Rihanna, that's pretty impressive! (I do love a good Draco/Astoria though :) )
First off, I loved your Astoria- she seemed so sweet. I liked her shyness in the first scene at Slug Club where she was hiding behind her hair- that was a lovely little detail, and her concern about Draco seemed veyr human right through this piece. I've never imagined them getting together at Hogwarts, but you really made it work, with Astoria's quieter personality. I enjoyed her passion for Potions as well- maybe you could work that into the narrative a little more?
On the subject of characterisation, I also loved your Narcissa. I've always sort of hoped that she'd find some way to move on after the battle, especially after she's saved Harry's life, so I think her gesture here is a great way of showing that and very original.
Your writing also flowed really nicely, and the time jumps didn't seem to interrupt it at all. I sort of liked the effect they created, like we were seeing a series of snapshots from the couple's lives...
I also liked how you used the song, especially at the end with the repetition of "We found love in a hopeless place"- that was really effective! And Astoria's Apothecary is just the most awesome name for a shop- I now want to go there! It was a lovely way of ending a great piece of writing- with all the safety, and security and hope for the future that it seemed to represent :)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your incredibly sweet review- I'm so glad you like this story. I'm a bit skeptical of Narcissa handing over the Manor just like that, and I do think she has an ulterior motive, though I wasn't sure if I should weave that in, or just leave it fluffy and upbeat.
I'm a fan of alliteration, and so Astoria's Apothecary just felt right- I'm glad you like the name :)
Thanks again for your amazing review- it totally made my day!
~M Report Review
Saw this on recently added and couldn't resist :P
This was one of the funniest things I've read in a while! I laughed out loud while I was reading it. I think it's an amazingly original idea- it's one of those myriad things that one doesn't think much of in the books, until some author makes a whole story out of it and you're convinced that that must have been how it happened!
The ghoul had such a strong personality which really came across, and all his dreams about going to RADA were hilarious. I loved his reflections on his cousin Dorothy too :P You created such a perfect voice for him- he felt very real even though we're not with him for long, and it was brilliant to see everything through his eyes!
I loved the ghoul's perspective on the Weasley family. Although we only see them through the ghoul's eyes, they all seemed very in character which is pretty impressive! It was also great to hear his side of the story on the wailing and rattling pipes- one of my favourite bits was his attempt to do the 1812 Overture.
And the part with his "wardrobe" and "make-up!" It really made me giggle. Poor Ron- the ghoul doesn't seem to think very highly of him!
This was a very funny, very unique one-shot, and I really enjoyed reading it! I'm gonna start campaigning for that ghoul to get his Academy Award :P
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Haha I'm glad that I managed to convince you it happened. I'm not even sure how this idea formed, but I just got thinking about the ghoul, and I wanted to write about him and this seemed to be the only way I could fit him in!
I'm glad that his personality came across as I think that's thing I struggle with most when writing a story. Yes, his views are rather strange, and I think that's why I had so much fun writing him as they were so unexpected!
I'm glad that the characters were canon, as the Weasley family are special to me, so I wanted to do them proud! Classical music for the win, I was tempted to make him a Bleiber for the reaction, then I realised that he wasn't around then :(
Yeah I didn't imagine that Ron and the ghoul would get along. I love you Ron so it's ok!
I'm glad that you're campaigning as he could win in 2014 then! Thank you for this lovely review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hey there! I'm here from the Ravenclaw review battle!
I absolutely loved the way this started, with the description of Dom flashing past on the skateboard- it was great, and really caught my attention as a reader! You've gone for quite an original characterisation of Dom in this which I applaud- a Slytherin Weasley is always going to be interesting, and I can see a cause of some friction if Bill, and Fleur, and Victoire reacted badly to her Sorting! It's also great to see a Slytherin who isn't automatically evil, as I think they're a- somtimes unjustly- maligned house. Incidentally, I loved Harry's response- it seems like the sort of kind, open-minded thing he would do! :)
Your description of the platform was really good; you managed to convey the hustle and bustle of it all in just a few words. I do think that this chapter would have benefited from being a little longer- there were several things which piqued my interest which I would have liked to have seen explored a little more- her friendship with Sylvester and Sebastian, or where her parents are in this. I also have a tiny nitpick about her wolf pup... would she be allowed that at Hogwarts?
All in all, an engaging beginning! I really love Dom, and how original she seems, and you are great at conveying scenes and feelings simply and effectively! Well done :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for your kind review and constructive feedback! I'll go back and edit the chapter to add more about her parents and friends. As for the wolf pup, I explain that in more detail in a later chapter (has to do with bill and greyback and Dom getting the werewolf-y gene that bill has). Her relationship with victoire is explained a bit in chapter 2 but is fairly complicated (as you can imagine- with one being head girl and the other a rebel of sorts).
I'll be sure to go back and make the changes you suggested- thank you again for the feedback!
~M Report Review
Here from Review Tag :)
Wow- this was so lovely, but at the same time so sad. I could just perfectly picture the old folks' home, and poor Bill and Fleur.
I thought that your characterisation of Bill was spot on: he seemed very believable as a person, and in his continuing love for Fleur. The idea that all the other residents want to hear stories of the Second War made me smile- it was a really nice touch.
The line: "There was one person who loathed Mr Weasley..." made the transition to the second half of the one-shot perfectly. It was a real surprise to me, and made me want to read and have the situation explained! I liked how the tranquil setting of the home belied the emotional turmoil of the principal characters.
I can't decide if I feel more sorry for Bill or Fleur, but I can certainly understand why Bill loves her so much! The part where he was remembering their life together was beautiful without being cheesy. It wasn't fancy or overdone, just a man remembering his experiences, and all the more touching for it.
And the ending was just perfect, if uncompromising. I'm so glad you didn't have Fleur suddenly recognise him or something, as I wondered might happen- the way it ended was heartbreaking but genuine. :)Author's Response: Hi there! I'm so happy to hear that you liked the story and that it brought out some emotion. I was worried about the characterization, especially of Bill, so it's wonderful to hear that you thought he came across appropriately. I had a bit of trouble imagining how he'd be in his old age.
It's also very good to hear that the story didn't come across as being cheesy. It was a difficult but interesting voice to take on.
Also, so lovely to hear that you thought the ending was good, I really wanted to make it as genuine and accurate as possible. Thank you so very much for the lovely review, I loved it! :) Report Review
Hello there- I'm here from Review Tag!
So first off, I've got to say what an original idea I think this was! I've never really thought about Sir Nicholas beyond the books, and this was a really dramatic account of his final moments.
The first paragraph was excellent- it really hooked me. I loved the description of the "inky skies tearing themselves apart"- it was beautiful. The way you built up tension throughout the story was great too. The counting of the strokes worked really well: I found the repetitiveness and the monotony of it very powerful. It was quite horrible really, but worked perfectly for the story.
One of my favourite things about this was how you spent time on executioner as well. It would have been very easy to just make him into this violent, faceless figure, but the way you wrote it, I could actually sympathise with him, and properly understand him as a character. The bit about him turning from man to boy was particularly poignant.
I feel so sorry for Sir Nicholas! It was clever how you wrote him with no fear of dying in battle, but with this terrible fear of being executed. It really fits with his character. I'd forgotten until I read this that he died at Halloween- I would have loved it if you'd tied that in even more to the story, seeing as it's such an auspicious date for wizards...
This was a really great read, and a completely gripping piece of writing! Well done again for making such a minor character into such a vivid story!Author's Response: Hi!
I hadn't thought about Nick much either until I realised what a brilliant character he would be to write about, and then this idea just popped into my head. I can't imagine having to face a death like this, and I really wanted to get that sort of fear across.
I'm so pleased that counting the axe strokes worked the way I wanted it to! I realise that it can seem quite horrible but I felt it was important to build up tension.
When I had the original idea for this, the executioner was a faceless figure, but when I began writing it he really came to life and even I was surprised about how sorry I felt for him! I'm happy you liked the idea of him turning back into a boy.
Thanks for a great review!
nott theodore :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here from the Ravenclaw Review Battle :)
What an intriguing beginning! I loved the way you didn't explain everything straight off at the start of the chapter. It kept me guessing as to what decision Rose had taken, and definitely made me want to read on!
Rose is a great narrator. It can't have been easy to combine her chatty, slightly humourous voice with the gravity of her situation, but it worked really well. As a character, I like her already!
Your grammar was pretty good- there were a couple of slips I noticed: where you spelled Lily's name as Lilly, just the once, and put practically where I think you might have meant practical. In the last paragraph there were a few inconsistencies with tense as well, but overall it wasn't a problem.
I was slightly sceptical about the flashbacks, but they actually worked really well! The second one I thought was particularly well written (I love best friends fall in love stories :P) and the conversation between Rose and Scorpius seemed very realistic- just how two people might talk in that situation. I liked how it wasn't all polished and perfect for them, but so romantic nonetheless.
I thought this was a great start to a story! You've done an excellent job of engaging the reader, and if you hadn't mentioned that next gen was out of your comfort zone, I wouldn't have guessed! :)Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the beginning, as I always love using suspense so yay for that! I can't believe how great it is to hear that you think Rose is a great narrartor, I think that's always the think I'm paranoid about the most, so I'm so glad to hear that you liked her!
I know there's some grammar issues with this story, as I was trying to get it finished for a challenge, so thank you for giving me the reminder to go back and edit it, I'll do it just after I finish this response.
I was sceptical about the flashbacks too, as I'm not always a huge fan of them, but the response to them here have been pretty positive so that's great! I'm glad that you didn't think it was perfect, as they're not perfect in my opinion and I wanted to reflect that here.
I'm glad that my lack of experience of next gen didn't show, and thank you for this great review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hello- I'm here from Review Tag!
Haha I did NOT see that ending coming! It was a really great twist and really made me laugh! So original! I liked the way Kate kept bursting in- she seems like an awesome friend to have, and the parts when she and Venus interacted were very well written- they seemed so realistic.
I loved how you created tension through this piece. I could really feel Venus' anxiety and concern! You also did a great job of defying the drunken-one-night-stand cliche of some teen pregnancy stories by giving her and James a real relationship. I would have loved to know more about the two of them, especially because of her mother's anti-Potter feelings! I did think that James came round to the idea of being a father a bit quickly, but it sort of worked with your plot!
All in all, a great piece of writing! I loved the way you wrote Venus, and the twist at the end was just inspired! I really enjoyed reading it!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Haha, yeah, the ending's too different than expected. ;) Original? *blushes* that's a really big complement! Thank you so much! :D
I thought their are too many stories, making their heroines pregnant after a drunken one night stand and if James and Venus would've had a night stand, James probably wouldn't have taken the responsibility so easily.
What I wrote is right for my story.
Yes, I've edited the chapter and the new version is in the queue. Don't forget to read it again for more descriptions of their relationships!
Oh and I really loved your review. Thanks! Report Review
Hello! I'm here from Review Tag!
I've always found Narcissa a fascinating character and this was a great little look into her mind! It really fitted with the Narcissa we know in canon, but gave an insight into her mind which you don't really get in the books.
I really admire how you brought across her nervousness with her desire to hide it: her childishness is definitely there, but you can also see how she will evolve into the inscrutable Black lady one day. Her nagging worries about the reactions of her family are subtle but pervasive. I thought that she seemed extremely realistic.
Before reading this, I'd never considered that Narcissa has Ravenclaw qualities, but I can really see it now... I liked the Hat's parting words to her about being a Slytherin. It's often a house represented as very two-dimensional so it's good to see it being given more depth!
I also liked the way you characterised Bellatrix and Andromeda, even though they were only directly mentioned at the end. Their reactions to Narcissa's Sorting seemed very telling...
All in all, a really great study of a character and of the Sorting process itself! I really enjoyed reading this!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I am glad you liked this, and found my Narcissa in tie with canon, and found her eleven-year-old self realistic.
I always thought of Narcissa having some Ravenclaw qualities (look at her cleverness and pride) so I wanted the Hat to take that into consideration.
Thanks again for your sweet review :)
So I wrote this review for review tag, but then someone posted before me- I figured I'd post it for you anyway! :P
I really enjoyed getting to know Thalia a bit more in this chapter. Her chatty, slightly sarcastic narrative style is so easy to read, and makes her sound very human.
Another thing I think you do really well is writing the conversations between friends. I liked Lily's joke about putting Thalia in detention and Thalia teasing Maia about liking Remus. It all felt very natural. Thalia's descriptions of her friends were very sweet too.
Thalia's description of Sirius and James was also great- I could just picture the pair of them on the platform being all overenthusiastic and crashing into each other :P
The big thing I would mention is your punctuation- there were places where I thought it could have been better, and sort of disrupted the flow of what you were writing.
So far, it's not the most original plot I've ever read but I'm enjoying it all the same! I'm certainly intrigued as to how Thalia and Sirius are going to get together! I like that you've introduced some other plot strands, such as the Lily/James thing and Maia's feelings for Remus. I'm sure that (as Thalia says) it's going to be an interesting year!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks for reviewing me anyway! I'm glad that Thalia's easy to read, as I wanted to make her sound human, and not too superior or inferior of her views of herself. Just hopefully someone you could maybe relate to:) Yeah the punctuation is the one which always get me, I will review it sometime I just don't seem to have any spare time at the moment! Yeah I do feel the beginning is a bit unoriginal, but hopefully that will change as the story progresses. Report Review
Hey there! I'm here from review tag!
Poor Victoire! Poor Teddy! Poor Dominique!
I really enjoyed reading this, although it ended so sadly for everybody! The way you portrayed Victoire's feelings was especially beautiful; the transitions from happy, to angry, to heartbroken were completely believable and very relatable. I really felt for her all the way through. Even though this is only a couple of thousand words long, I felt that I really got to know the characters. There were several places where you seemed to bring across really complex emotions in just a few simple words, which really impressed me!
I think it's clever that you managed to make me feel sympathetic for both sisters and that aspect made the whole piece of writing far more engaging than it had just been a simple good-guy/bad-guy situation, if you know what I mean. I found Teddy much less likable, in the way he'd sort of manipulated both Victoire and Dominique. That said, I thought the letter he wrote to Dom was beautiful: sweet, and sad and eloquent and just lovely.
So yeah- a really intense piece of writing! Your characterisation was brilliant as were Victoire's final reflections on how she'd been betrayed (although I must admit that the ending did leave me with a lot of curiosity about what happened to them all afterwards...!)
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hey there! Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Yeah, poor Vic, Teddy, and Dom indeed *sigh*
I am glad you liked reading this and found the feelings well-portrayed. I am glad that you also were able to feel for the characters as that was my aim.
Teddy was definitely less likeable, he was quite selfish indeed, and he hurt both Dom's and Vic's feelings very strongly. I put in quite some effort into writing the letter - struggled to get it right - so I am glad you liked it.
Thanks again for reading and reviewing! I have not yet thought about what happens afterward, but if I ever write a sequel (by turning this into a trilogy), you're welcome to read it xD
Hey there- CalypsoJenna from the forums here with your requested review. (I should be revising, leaving me with nothing to do but fill your request :P)
I was blown away by this! Just brilliant!
First of all is your use of language, which fitted the story perfectly. You write with such incredible flow, reading this chapter was absolutely effortless. The way you bring across Narcissa's emotions is honestly flawless- understated, yet powerful. I found myself really feeling for Narcissa (who is not always the most sympathetic of characters.) The vocabularly you use describing her feelings for the child she has not had is so touching.
Little details like her red nose and her fondness for the bay windows made this piece of writing even better. The way you described the scenery throughout this piece added so much- it made your writing even more vivid.
You mentioned that you were concerned about the characterisation of Narcissia, but I really don't think you need to worry. I thought that you caught the icy pride that hides her real, deep emotions wonderfully well in here. Her desperation for a child so exactly explains her possessive protection of Draco, and seems to fit in with her personality. I also thought you nailed her relationship with Lucius- his wordless comfort after she'd been disappointed again, but then the feeling that his was the final word when she raised adoption.
I also really admire the way you've structured this chapter, with the different months. It made Narcissa's plight, that awful sense of waiting all the more painful.
And then the drama of the ending! I'm honestly on tenterhooks over what her desperation has driven her to do, and the consequences that it will have...
The only small thing I would raise is that I'm not sure that Narcissa would think of herself as a "Mom." Maybe substitute with Mum, or Mama, or Mother? Just a thought.
I thought this was a fantastic piece of writing. The flow, the characterisation... just superb. I'll definitely be waiting for the next chapter! :)
-Bethany Report Review
Hey there- I'm here from Review Tag!
May I first just say what an awesome name Thalia Longwood is? It sounds absoutely wonderful, and definitely seems to fit what we've seen so far of her!
I thought this was a really great introduction to your story. You gave a first peek at the characters, and the setting was beautifully vivid- I can just imagine the station with all the parents and students, and the Thalia and Sirius waiting to get on board. I'm really interested to find out more about both characters- especially Thalia as she's an OC. You've already mentioned problems with her parents, and I'd love to see that explored further!
I thought that you showed the similarities between those two characters clearly right from the start- I can easily see how they might become friends. I also enjoyed the little details you added in about James and Lily, although I wasn't sure how likely it would be that they would all single each other out as friends right from the off.
There were also a few grammar errors that I noticed- maybe have a read through and pick those up, or get a beta reader?
However, as a first chapter, I thought this was really well done- the scene and the characters already seem engaging, and I'm definitely interested in the future Thalia and Sirius are going to have!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah I know I always forget to completly proof read and I tend to miss a few mistakes. Thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
Hello! CalypsoJenna from the forums here with your requested review!
Oooh this was spooky! I really loved the way you built up the suspense with each sighting, culminating in the final appearance of him in her kitchen. I think the idea of this story is fascinating, not to mention original, and even though this is only a short chapter, it really piqued my curiosity about the storyline! I'm especially interested in the way Ginny is going to deal with Riddle turning up- you've already mentioned her worries about hallucinating, and I'm curious about how other characters will react to it.
I do like the way you've portrayed Ginny and Harry's relationship- the moment when she "could tell by the look in his eyes that he believed her before she even answered with a nod," was a really nice touch, underlining the trust and solidarity there seems to be in their marriage. I haven't read that many fics from Ginny's POV, so it's nice to hear her voice!
I was also impressed by the little details about their lives you managed to include in so few words- their friendship the Weasley's, their care and attention for their kids... It all seems very in character.
And your last line was just wow! It was a great way to end the chapter- creepy and intriguing but also slightly humourous... Just perfect!
So yeah a very tense and interesting beginning! I'm fascinated as to how you're going to tackle Tom Riddle as a character, and already interested in the characters and their relationships! If you'd like to re-request for further chapters, feel free to do so!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: First of all, thank you for the review. I lost internet some time after you reviewed and got it back a few days ago (by then I forgot people had reviewed)
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the sightings. I had wondered how I would introduce Tom for a while so its nice that someone likes it.
Someone else mentioned that they liked the little details of their life. It's funny because I hadn't exactly planned it that way, I just threw her in likely situations. Funny how that worked out. I'll probably throw in little details like that now. Also, if there's one thing I don't like, its a skeptic, which is why I had Harry take her seriously.
I found the last line weak, actually, so thank you for that bit of confidence.
How I'm going to characterize them is what makes me nervous about all my stories. So, so nervous.
Again, thank you for the review :D Report Review
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